My Spirit

Hello. I have a really strange puzzle in my life and I can't seem to crack it open alone so far. The truth is that I have a strong sensation when I meet with cyberpunk things, 90-00 Internet culture, that sort of neo-noire, some sort of highly spiritual sense of IDENTITY. I really only feel myself in my shoes when I listen to some tunes from GitS or SEL. The only similar acute feeling of my own spirit happens in church or when I am deeply in prayer, but when we are talking about God, this is the feeling of "Truth", "Justice", "Logos", "Universal Reason", let us say, its colour is golden yellow. But this other feeling I have when I dive into the good old episodes of Lain and cyberpunk books, is rather blue or violet, it is not about universal Truth, but rather that "This is my identity", "I have to take the call", "You gotta put yourself in due place". I have a lot of other interests, but no other thing evokes a feeling of that calling in the distance, of wistful belonging to something, of destiny of sort, some sort of call to that point where I will reach wholeness of my own, do a task that I gotta do. I am dragged to something. I've been aiming to become a pentester, but I am only a DevOps engineer so far, as there are not a lot of vacant places for a pentester. This sense of "doing the thing I should do" appeared in less pronounced forms when I was learning networking, but more or less I find my current job rather boring, especially managing routinely things. I definitely don't feel anything with being a developer of some sort, because it feels like solving the applied problems for meatworld, like internet shops or some temporal things. Rather, I feel that I should be doing something more deep and pervasive, something transcendental. I never had that experience with this old Internet culture firsthand, because I was born too late for that, but revisiting the old magazines about PCs and stuff, it really turns this "I wanna be some sort of hacker?(???)" sort of thing. I feel like I should be hastening myself to THE PLACE where I am TO DO THE THING, and that I do not have much time. I really consider those feelings valid, I am through with materialism and stuff and I think, I should solve the puzzle and play the game, but IDK what to do. What if Pentesting won't be my thing? I've been learning by bits, but I can't say for sure If I would feel great doing just that. I had this feeling when I was learning about buffer overflow and how to exploit it, how it works, like if I am learning what is a must for that Great Goal. But I don't want to just learn the whole life, this seems some sort of scienc-y thing, when people learn for learning's sake, I see it as if I have to learn something before getting to The Place, where I will be doing The Purpose. The only problem is that I do not know where that place is. The worldly routines obscure the view, they distract me in many ways from that feeling that I must travel and unravel the secret. I'd really want you guys to help me out with this, I really am sane, and I don't want to sound prideful or arrogant, or like some victim of superhero movies, etc, etc. I just really have been just living a simple life and when I heard that one song, I felt that again, like that I am destined to be somewhere in the dark, solving computer-related misteries at the lowest levels of abstraction or something, literally do not know, guys. Please, recommend me something on how to find my place in IT sphere, I've got a calling to follow through, but I see many places in IT as boring and many corpos as disgusting, I really like the old ways of Internet much, I kinda feel good about imaginary possibility of possible restoration of the old net, of the old human interaction, without those walled gardens and so on. Would be of great help if someone gave me a good insight into this, unless it is something about giving up, "growing up" (I am at the levels of maturity when I feel myself an old man talking with my peers and even people decades older than myself), or just trying to forget the feeling. I gotta follow through, guys, I gotta, I really should before time is up. Could you suggest anything of help, please? I thank you in advance.

>>5906 Technology is always evolving. It isn't like some fields where you master your craft and then you just focus on the finesse of your work. You should really only learn to achieve your goals anyway. Your post does not seem to be sleep/dream related, but I would tell you that you sound more like you have apathy and maybe unrealistic goals. Picture yourself doing what you dream. >What is your end goal/where are you physically and intellectually >What will it take to get there >when you get there will there be a next step (once you become 90s hacker man, will you h4ck the planet? Become a corporate wageslave? Become a notorious criminal?) This is important because you may be interested in the aesthetic but nit the actual path and outcome. >You may need to experience ego death to truly understand who and what you are or where you are going. This is agonizing as fuarrrk, but it will lay your path out clearly before you. I don't recommend you try using drugs to find it. 1-You should define your goals and expectations 2-see what you need to do physically to get there 3-decide if that is realistic or worth your finite time 4-Practice introspective meditation, study psychology, and philosophy to get to know yourself better. Steppenwolf and Siddhartha by Hesse are books about a guy trying to find his destiny, you might like it. You might even try to find something you are willing to die for or die doing.

>>5906 I think you have the same problem as me. People like you or me don't feel like we're going in the right direction. We seek to transcend. We feel emotions in a more intense and diverse way than the rest. I also feel like an old man when I talk to people my age. It's normal. The mere fact that we are here, speaking in a forum almost hidden from humans, indicates that we are looking beyond the limits of human thought. Should you become a pentester? Go ahead, do it and break your limits, I recommend you do it.

I'm not reading all of that but OP you should check out the VA-11 HALL-A soundtrack.

>>5907 No offense, but telling OP that his goals might be unrealistic is cruel.

>>5910 Is it not more cruel not to tell someone the truth?

>>5911 You don't know for sure if it's the truth. Maybe OP can succeed but will give up because people discouraged him.

>>5912 Well it's both true and untrue until OP gives it a go, like Schrödinger and that poor cat in the box. Besides, if Lain gives up on anything because we told her too then she wasn't likely to succeed in the first place.

> it really turns this "I wanna be some sort of hacker?(???)" sort of thing >Please, recommend me something on how to find my place in IT sphere, I've got a calling to follow through, but I see many places in IT as boring and many corpos as disgusting I spent a while doing soykaf with Ethereum smart contract work and I swear it was the most cyberpunk dystopia hacker career I could think of. Writing and using unstoppable programs no one controls that will continue to act out their code forever, that interact with each other in a network, the scene a chaotic mix of idealists and criminals with a hacker mentality, crypto getting stolen directly from programs and trying to defend against that, being totally anonymous and paid in anonymity capable funds. Highly recommend trying it out given what you're saying.

>>5913 I absolutely agree. You can't just give up bc people tell you to do.

>>5907 The Hesse is an interesting recommendation, the rest I read myself multiple times on "sucessfull success" wikihows etc, in fact, I use the SMART methodoly myself on daily basis. The post as a whole is about lack of clear understanding of what my true goal is so I could answer the question No. 1 of your list, because I only have a strong intuition without any form except for what I already have written. You seem to honestly have tried to give a helpful answer though, so thank you for that. Picturing myself clearly is of no help, because I see myself in many possible roles. One common element though is that in all roles I have the most savoir faire, a guru of kind, IDK. One thing is that you can be a knowledgeable person in any position and career and I am trying to figure what is the best for me in that regard. Becoming the best everywhere is barely possible, so I am trying to pick a path that I would enjoy the most becoming proficient at. >>5909 I kinda don't like VallHalla, I played it twice, it is too low-life sort of some teenage story, idk, just too materialistic and grounded for my taste, characters sometimes are strange and unrealistic, sort of overly sexualised (like what they usually talk about)? IDK, sometimes they are hard to believe. I mean more the music from 90s and 00s that gives that dream of "better future to come" and reminds me of my childhood, which, after knowing, our millenial dreams were futile, sound like an unkept promise that someone has to follow through: Robert Miles - Children Hoverphonic - Battersea >>5910 Doesn't matter, since I'd follow either way. I cringe at weakness of will and cannot comprehend how people forsake their dreams to cope for decades in worldly pleasures for the rest of their lives. >>5911 Weak energy, hit the gym, brother. Be not the agent of ressentiment, be the agent of chaos, agent of order, agent of anything, save actually propagating loser mentality. Despondency is a sin, it is a direct consequence of losing God, exactly "losing heart", heart/νοῦς, your own connection to the Divine, why would a man severe it to become a flesh automaton full of consumerism? You are better than that. I am not talking about something unrealistic or hard, or something movie-size great, I am talking about something a person can do, given they apply enough patience and effort. I do not intend to crush mountains or to do something I am too naturally unaligned with; what I intend rather is to apply my nature-given talents in the most correct and rightful way possible to feel satisfied that I do not waste myself in vain. That's why you sound kinda unhealthy saying my goal is unrealistic before I myself even know what the goal is to judge its realism. Depression much? >>5914 Actually a sound-sounding idea, but I have always considered this whole crypto-industry a big scam that doesn't lead anywhere other than transferring moneys to the whales unbound by law. I'd like to do something Good, in that sense of putting some of the existing chaos into magnificent order that would glorify God or at least, controlling that chaos to exist beyond instead of being a part of the greater scheme that I find fraudulent and in the end overly money-focused. But I will consider your proposal nevertheless, because that's not what I hear from crypto-devs usually and I might be losing a precious perspective that would enable me to see another side of the world. >>5908 I feel you, but I also came to realisation that I cannot just waste all that "big smart brain potential" on vainglory, so I am trying to be the greatest version of myself at moment, granted that I see bigger picture than most. Luke 12:48 sort of thing. I am certainly not the smartest, but my intuitions of what is right are kinda overly sensitive, so I at least try to be the most honourable in my actions.

>>5916 >but I have always considered this whole crypto-industry a big scam that doesn't lead anywhere other than transferring moneys to the whales unbound by law. I'd like to do something Good, in that sense of putting some of the existing chaos into magnificent order that would glorify God or at least, controlling that chaos to exist beyond instead of being a part of the greater scheme that I find fraudulent and in the end overly money-focused This is honestly an ugly reality, and frankly all the cutthroat capitalism, corruption, lies and betrayals, is one of the most cyberpunk aspects. Many people sincerely want it to be better, and do what they can, but the basic reality of our world is that it is full of people who do not have what they need to survive and be free, looking for ways out. Crypto is by virtue of its permissionlessness a suitable arena for the zero sum bloodsport that ambition implies. It is contained within the broader economic system and cannot magically resist or resolve the inequities and suffering inherent in that system, though many briefly imagine it can. Shit flows downhill and money trickles up. However I do think all the gambling and grifting has led the general public to discount possibilities for broader change. Unlike just about any other platform for exercising power, anyone can have unrestrained access and agency within it. Cooperation can happen between people who can't know or trust each other, and between people and autonomous programs. Old power structures are bypassed and injured. It is a set of tools that do genuinely interesting things, and I honesty believe these tools will be instrumental in building what the world will become, for better or worse.

>>5906 Remember that you don't have to work for some corpo, you can start your own company or freelance.

>>5906 hey. this sounds a bit schiz above but you are not insane. its the kind of "higher duty calling" that is inaccessible to most modern men, and is pathologized through things like the Geschwind syndrome, try Sacks and McKenna. try hacktivism i had exactly the same thing happen with edgerunners - the duty that Lucy and David get out of themselves out of bravery and desperation combined, and the strength it took to preserve the innocence inside of themselves through all of the hardship. it is hard to be that brave, it is hard not to lose it, because, it seems, you have to have something to fight for, something to remind you why you do this and why fight. the strength to preserve humanity found in some people is one of those things. someone else helping you preserve that spark is another. im personally way past finding my faith in ordinary people - i find it in heros, characters from games. sometimes it so happens that ordinary people can be heroes too, but rarely. although when you find it, it is nice to see. i very rarely find them

>>5916 just wanted to say you're absolutely based. dm me could hook u up w smn

I kind of feel as I dont belong to this world. The things I feel confortable with or aspire for are so further away from myself. I'm studying cyber-sec and I even have an opportunity on moving to a cyber-sec position, but I know it's all corporate bull soykaf, and in the end I'll only end in a boring position anyway. I feel likge a ghost roaming this world without a place to call home. Honestly, I have no advice for you OP. Generally, try finding a job that pays enough and do the things you love on the side.