Had sex with someone else while in a relationship in rl

So, I had a dream a few weeks ago where I was having consensual sex with a girl considering that I‘m a girl myself too. It was nice and in the dream I enjoyed the sex. So far, so good. Today I told my boyfriend about the dream and he got butthurt about the fact that I dreamed having sex with a girl. Not about the fact that I "cheated" on him in the dream. Of course he knows that I love him to death and would never cheat him in real life. But he asked me: "Why a girl?" I couldn’t give him a satisfactory answer. I‘ve always liked both girls and boys but since I‘m in a relationship with my boyfriend (it’s my very first relationship as well) I considered myself rather straight because, well duh, I‘m in a heterosexual relationship. But now, that I can’t give him a satisfactory answer to his question why I dreamed about having sex with a girl and not with a boy. I don’t really know what to expect here since this is my very first post on the /zzz/ section (maybe it’s the wrong section for my "problem") but maybe you guys can give me (or my boyfriend) an answer?

He knows he can't offer what girls do so maybe he wants to know if you feel anything is missing in your relationship. That or he's one of those idiots that thinks being bisexual means being into poly relationships.

What is your question?

>>2244 actually, what the 1st guy said

>>2243 is correct. If you're young(I assume you are) he might make a big deal over nothing. Also, let's not forget homophobia.

>>2242 These kind of dreams mean nothing. There's no satisfactory answer you can give, because there's no answer at all. It's just your brain mixing ideas. Sometimes (like, 3-4 that I can remember) I dreamed about having sex with my brother (I'm a guy) but that doesn't mean it's something I'd want to do IRL or even something I thought about in general. Say for example, you see a sapphic seen in a movie. Your brain remembers it and then substitutes stuff that's familiar to you with the actual scene you saw. It doesn't mean it's something you actually want.

For the record, most queer people go through heterosexual relationships at some point in their lives. Not everybody is a gold star gay. Some maintain heterosexual marriages to have kids the old-fashioned way, even while being totally out of the closet. You'd be surprised how often it happens. Sometimes they just marry their friends for tax benefits. Takes a village. Both of my best lesbian friends are married to men, and both partners regularly sleep with other women. Maybe a little frustrating from a solidarity perspective, but what can you do? They came out really late. Which can suck sometimes. Life is kind of complicated. But no, it doesn't necessarily mean you're LGBT (note the B--even most queer people forget about or scoff at that one, but it's there)--sometimes a dream is just some random nonsense. We don't know that they really mean anything. But if you liked it, you might owe yourself some more exploration. Don't live a life of regrets. Regretting something never attempted is far worse than regretting a failure or a mistake. It's up to you; think it over a while and decide whether you want to go any further or leave it where it is. If it's just a random dream, then maybe you're fine. But check. It's easier to check it out when you're young, and easier to bounce back if you break your heart. Take advantage of that. I'm more worried about this boyfriend. Some insecurity is perfectly natural and to be expected, but if he really likes you then he would probably want you to figure this thing out instead of just repressing it the rest of your life (or just the rest of your relationship; I don't know how long-term he's thinking). And it's not really rational--in the case that you really are coming out, does he expect that you can just bottle that up for his sake? Also he's a damn fool because this is BY FAR the most common route to a MFF threesome. Oh well. His loss. But yeah, if it goes beyond a reasonable wince of insecurity and he doesn't want the best for you then I would consider the implications of that.

>>2242 It's a big deal to him! Put yourself in his shoes; 1. You obviously care about each other. You were comfortable enough that you told him about it, and he wasnt upset that you dream cheated because he probably sure you wouldn't do that in real life. 2. Dreams are reputed to show your unconscious desires right? He is probably worried you're maybe coming out as a lesbian. Or maybe bi but in either case that means something different from the relationship you're currently in. He cares about you, so that worries him badly. He's probably thinking maybe you could leave, and he doesnt like that, because he likes you. tl;dr, he cares about you and is scared he might lose you Holy soykaf to people saying he's a homophobe. Are we supposed to just shower this girl with respect for having a dream she fuarrrked another girl? Take it to reddit.

>>2252 Caring for somebody isn't the same as being afraid of losing them. This is some basic relationship soykaf.

>>2253 It can be. You think if you care about someone you shouldn't be afraid of losing that? Especially if they care for you. Well OP, do you care about each other?

>>2254 If you actually care for somebody you would be more worried about them remaining repressed their entire lives than simply leaving you. Only an extremely callous person would prefer such a thing to remain unquestioned for their own sake.

>>2255 Calm down lain, yes, it is possible and natural when you are in love someone to feel sad at the prospect of them leaving you. If you havent been in love before ask yourself, what kind of a robot would you be if you didnt feel sad at even the faintest possibility that your significant other could leave? If you dont have this feeling, you probably arent in love anyway. The situation is there is a couple, the girl tells her man she dreamed about sex with a woman and liked it, and the guy got a little upset. Does not sound like a very big deal, and sounds like two natural, healthy human beings in love. But what do we know? Relax! Let's all love lain.

>>2258 You disagree that it's possible to feel upset when presented with the fear of a loved one leaving, or you disagree with the idea that it is natural for a human to feel that way?

>>2259 I agree that losing a loved one is obviously upsetting, but I think that when you deeply care for someone the choice would be obvious. You seem to be conflating a person's feelings with the decisions one has to make in the best interests of both the person you care about and yourself. Trying to hold somebody you love back from discovering their true selves so they continue to stay with you is understandable from a purely emotional standpoint, but if one cared about them they would have to reach the conclusion that it's for the best.

>>2260 What was the part in OPs post indicating either of them had to make some sort of choice about their relationship? I'm simply proposing 2 observations, I having trouble understanding why you're adding more to that. Are you a lesbian yourself?

>>2254 Yes we do care about each other very much.

>>2256 lol I'm perfectly calm, I just disagree with some but not all parts of what you're saying.

>>2260 >Love is selflessly helping others. This is some manipulative bullshit. It is not your partner's role to deal with your issues at cost to themselves. Also what the hell is a true self?

>>2264 I mean date somebody who ends up discovering they're queer and get back to me. I know what it's like from both sides which isn't fair to expect people to know the same, since it isn't likely--but hey, op asked for advice.

>>2265 OP's question was why she had a dream about being with a girl, not how to come out of the closet and how her bf should act if she did that. It's possible that OP is secret lesbain but I didnt get that from her post (she stated she's openly bi and her bf already knows). I think assuming that would be adding an idea of your own onto her situation that we just dont know yet. I wouldnt conflate the two.

There are two simple but subtle things i have learned that i think you might find valuable OP. 1. being with someone is not cause to share all the details of our inner lives with them, and in fact, some mystery between lovers is the source of ongoing impassionment over many years. 2. Lovers often spend too much time looking at each other, and not enough time looking at other things together. it is too easy to scrutinize and get bound up in the details of the one so close to you, but doing so for too long can make you unjustly critical or unaccepting of the features of another person you dont fully understand. no matter how much you love them, they will not be just exactly as you imagine them, and it is probably for the best that is true, even if you cannot fully comprehend all the ways it matters. :)

>>2242 Unless you have something to say about yourself, it's probably just nonsense created by the mind, when you dream it tends to not make sense at all and you can do weird stuff that you normally wouldn't do as a person, I have to wonder if the "dark side" of the mind is at all related to that.... but anyways, it isn't something you should dwell to deep on, as it is probably complete nonsense, I would be more worried about your relationship.

As >>2267 you don't have to tell every detail of you to you partner. Not because of distrust, but because you don't know how they will react to it. It is good to talk, but first try to analize for yourself and think how he will respond, and how you will answer to that. It is reasonable he acted that way, he can't offer what a woman could. And you are bi, of course if you had never touched a woman before you will dream about it. Even if you have a good sexual partner, the curiosity and/or lust is there. Or just dream about it because that's what your brain decided to, ever saw a bug on the street and dreamed about it? Not all dreams are cryptic messages about ourselfves.

>>2242 >But now, that I can’t give him a satisfactory answer to his question why I dreamed about having sex with a girl and not with a boy. The first possibility is that you like girls. The second isn't that obvious - dreams are not logical and your brain turns off critical thinking, which means in dreams you can do things you would never do irl, for example I once in a dream pushed a human out of a tram so hard, I killed him, without even feeling bad about it, just like a psychopath, while normally I’m very emphatic. Another example, my sister had a dream where she fuarrrked an extremely ugly person and it was pleasant during the dream, but after waking up, she realized it was really disgusting and fuarrrked up. But in my opinion, your case could be influenced by both factors, because girls are cute after all. Even if not, just thinking about sex can make you horny, it’s just like looking at beetles fuarrrking themselves – even if you don’t want to fuarrrk the insects, it reminds you of the feeling.

A past partner did that to me IRL once and I felt terrible. Now I think it was stupid of me. I'm glad they've enjoyed themselves. The thing is the partner was very good in asserting that nothing is his fault ever. Which made me always the culprit in literally anything. So when he did that I took the opportunity to interpret it as "This guy values literally _anyone_ above me sexually." I think our relationship was on halt at that time, it is important to know. Years later I've realized that my personality takes offense way too easily. They were just fooling around and I was looking for opportunities to lay blame back on him. I've never managed to value the opportunity in our relationship to enjoy things boring people cannot fathom. I actually value those experiences so it's ironic. We were just totally unable to keep our respective personality traits in the blame/offense/responsibility department in check or even dare to recognize the problem, and that made the whole thing spill way over. My advice to you is not to read to much to dreams, both of you. And try to think about if there is any REASON why he feels the way he does, relationship-wise. But don't try too hard. If I were you I would relax and comfort him and try to put the idea in his head how sensual for him it would actually be to have an MFF. (Maybe he wants it but is unable to relax about it because family/friends/how could he handle what other people think of him or whatever.)

>>2347 > how could he handle what other people think of him don't underestimate the deterring power of how much you can make someone feel humiliated in front of all her friends

There is no answer. Many people report dreaming about having sex with family members, or people with whom they would otherwise find the thought disgusting. It's just your brain processing thoughts without the hindrance of your ego.