For the first time in years of alcohol most nights I had a really vivid dream after not drinking for a couple weeks. I dreamed I was back in hs and a friend of mine I was attracted to from my first year came back from overseas. The strange thing is while this never happened, she had promised she would be back in my final year. As someone who has never had a romantic relationship of any sort, I was overjoyed in the dream and immediately embraced her, and she was pleased to see me too. At this point I noticed that she was someone else entirely, with and different appearance, name and demeanour although what remained the same way sour familiarity with one another and my attachment. I farewells her and went to a class. A good friend of mine had many sexual relationships with girls when he was that age while I lived a largely ascetic existence due to a combination of low sex drive, a growing and even then slightly larger interest in men romantically, and occasional failure when I did try to get in a high school "relationship". I returned from that class to discover that they were planning a trip overseas, and had obviously hit it off. I pulled him aside after the fact and asked him to let me have a go at this one first, because i'd liked her before first year. He kind of shrugged it off, politely declining. At this point I had one last normal conversation with her before the dream began to fade, and ended as I lied to a couple buddies I used to smoke with that I lost my phone and instead went to shoot myself. At this point I woke up (not another dream layer) and listened to 4 songs: Gorillaz' "kids with guns" and "sound check (gravity)" as well a's Kendrick Lamar's "PRIDE." And "LUST." After about 20 minutes of desperately craving a continuation of the dream I fell back asleep and as these things do, I instead got a thematically related but far more surreal dream. I entered the dream lying on my bed at dusk with the curtains drawn, only low light seeping through. I was smoking a cigarette and I could tell by blister packs all over the place I had been eating probably a lethal dose of ibuprofen. At this point there was a knock on the door. A friend of mine arrived with a massive crowd and told me there was a party here. I was about to get mad but I took a deep breath and instead said sure, just don't trash the place. Everyone came in and started playing my records while I went back into my room. The important thing here is that I can leave from my room onto the room very easily and this is where I used to smoke and also where me and the one girl I tried to get together with in high school sat together one night. I lefy my room onto the roof and found that my house was much larger but built in the same old and not very well maintained style. I began to walk around on the roof, growing weak from the medication. I began to cry slightly as I looked out across all the gardens in my neighborhood from up there, and walked back around the roof to a window that isn't there in real life. A new room had appeared in the house to accommodate the party goers, and I could easily get in the window next door. I cambered through and exited in to the hallway. A low orange electric light lit everything, and the house was far more moist and humid than usual. I cracked open the door and saw the friend who came back from overseas there, alone but seemingly enjoying herself. I lingered by the door for a few seconds, but instead of approaching her and ruining her evening I went back to my bed wordlessly before she noticed me and lit up one final cigarette before slowly passing out and waking up. That's all, but it brought forward a lot of confusing emotions for me. It made me confront a lot of suicidal thought's that usually only occupy my sub conscious and made me wonder why I can't be happy even in a dream.