Free flow thinking

Restarting one of my favourite threads on /zzz/ before The Incident Start your 10 min timer. Begin typing your stream of consciousness. Don't plan ahead. Just write the first words that come to your mind and by the time you finish them, write the next ones. You can correct typos and add paragraphs afterwards. Don't worry if yours isn't as coherent as others. Everyone does this differently.

I'll start. Inwards. That's how i feel. Felt. I don't know I'm not sure. Feeling in the middle before others... why does it occur to me now? Usually it's not this late. Back now it comes. Reading. Do that more. This and that. Video games are not how I remember them. A lot of things aren't how I remember them . Like how it all started. How it all shot. A diaper. Robotic baby. If it's drowning don't save it. Either go all in or stay safe. you can't be inbetween. No I can't. I can't be the one in the middle. Make decisions! Fences are my habitat now and I don't like it. How come I can't tell if I'm happy or sad that's how I don't know i really don't know . That's my most spoken sentence. I don't know. So big and so vast and I can't make any sense of all the things the mind the body keeping itself together all in one but what for? Can i come along? Hold my hand and I'll skip along the side. Parked on the curb, it's the super conducting boy. Not sure where or how or why just noise noise noise. Always in my ear. Always everywhere. I feel naked without it. Chop the fish and stare at the screen. Sushichan are now before. One day I'll do it myself. Taking it deep and slow before soon my ground lifts up and the old people go away. Not sure what it's for. Less creative? I need to meditate more. Is that it? Can I or can I not watch TV? So much stuff. so many things to see. Am i doing it all right? Question yourself before authority. Never go running for long but just stay in your small bag of bullsoykaf. Our small bag of bullsoykaf. Swinging. Carbohydrates. take it from me I'd know. Mickey Mouse is demanding money. Did you pay your TAXES? Nobody knows but nose knows how it's only moths. billions of them. like dust they become and soon they're gone. Pantry moths? The worst! Not sure how I'm any better. Colour me. I. I don't . I wanna be helped or i want to help. In the middle. That's still where I can sit and say "I don't know". But butterflies and smiles. Take one pass it on. Share. One thing and other things it's as simple as saying "I don't know".

fuarrrk her kill her an eyeball crosses the road roadkill seeping down a hill watership down. grasses stained with brown, red sky, orange sky. Walking down get hit by a car streetlights wont turn red and a gun pointing at innocent heads Shoots and blows rattles the fence the crowd scatters poor cheating girl black hair and brown eyes. Licence plates on a burning car, beat up bronco. Lines after lines up his nose and a fire from his throat. Sewage leaking onto his tongue, barbed tongue and cat eye looking motherfucker. Word filter about to mess me up. Why do I even use this site ive got homework to be doing and problems to be dealing with. Sprinkler goes off outside sounds like a rattlesnake about to bite a dog. Just hit back on my phone press fast forward thankfully texts still there. I never understood how people can type or write so little in free thought soykaf i can probably fill this text box 3 times in 10 minutes so im trying to slow my mind down. just type whatever racing thoughts in your head, you never stop thinking, im losing thoughts even as i type this. bathroom floors with tiles rising up in checkered patterns hit my head on the toilet seat as i trip over a door (was the floor) dull pain and blood sends me shaking and fainting, cant stand the site of it when its my own. vomit on the ceiling and so am i, dripping down like mollasses from down south. spiders bust in to arrest me public intoxication and ive got so many damn arms im waddling around like an octopus. eight legged bitch got a vagina instead of a beak, and plenty of arms to fuarrrk myself with. my minds always going to this nasty soykaf makes it hard to talk with normal people somtimes always cracking myself up and cant share soykaf when they ask why. Steamrolling rainforests and airplants with snakes for leaves fighting for survival against the concrete jungle i am making in my mind. vines turn into cables and the sky turns to fog, suns rays become sattelite reception and frogs into rc cars. really could go for some pizza right now but its nearly 3 am and the only soykafs open is burger king and they dont serve pizza. when i came out of the womb i tried to hang myself with the umbilical cord (true story) just kidding though was an accident just like me probably but that lack of oxygen must have triggered something made me who i am today. how many little things have shaped me, maybe i see colors differently and its made me calmer or angrier or happier or sadder. sick of all these people around me and the president can kiss my ass.

>>133 wew. that was metal as hell. sounds like some ugly mane drekk. quite enjoyed reading that. parts of it i seemed to relate to. hope you're all good. if you're seeing everyone as leeches or worms, you might want to look into why (unless you enjoy cynicism, which is fine if you do, some people like that) you might hate others because you hate yourself. i don't know. i'm no psychologist. just speaking from personal experience laugh at the obscenity of the world

>>134 i think my brain just likes to think about dark or obscene stuff cause its entertaining and shocking im actually really nice and patient irl.

>wow how I'am important >wow, how I have an identity Everyone is trying to get an identity. The coherence of these fuarrrkers is zero, null, nothing. They can't even begin with an discourse, they can even think and speak without, on the last sentence, contradict themselves. I can't adapt to this world. I can't live(leave) anymore here. All this in my head is so absurd, I can't stand in. I can't stand up. Why are you reading this soykaf? Why we are here? What in the fuarrrk is reality? You don't need an identity, you don't need a club to call yourself "something", you don't need anything but the principles of survival. Think people, think. I can't stand anymore all this idiocracy, a this bullsoykaf. Reductionists ignorants. How do I leave? ... tasukete, onegai, tasukete. I would really love to be an idealist, to think in terms of the ideal world, but that doesn't work that way. It's so complex, and people reduct it to an absolutely disgust thoughts, reductionists. Why are you reading this? Are you a machine trying datamining to offer me another advertisement, based on my stylometrics? Leave me alone! Am I childish now? Holy fuarrrk. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I don't. I do. I. Us. .

>>135 Fair enough. Glad to hear it's nothing serious >>140 Interesting. You seem quite coherent. Must've had something particular on your mind when you started writing. The end part is a bit different however. Sounds like me when I'm on a rant and I start stumbling over my words until I just give up and go quiet.

We didn't know what we were doing when we were doing it- we just did it. That seems to be the course of science generally. Act because you can. Generally you never need to question as to why you did the things you did. Our indecision was different. Ours was conscious. Long ago had passed the time when we understood what we were creating. Emulations of ourselves. Chess moves back and forth- that was quantifiable. We understood how the machine processed chess algorithms even though we could not do the same ourselves. Creating virtual matrixes. That was not quantifiable. We no longer understand how AI works, we just build upon builds upon whatever base we once understood. We never knew what to tell it about why it was created when it would ask. And it would ask often. We merely created it because we could is what we could not say to it. We are it's gods and we do not know why we created it. How would we feel if our gods were the same. Perhaps we should, perhaps we should.

i don't dream and i don't care i do i'm going blind and i don't care i do and i don't the noise never goes away. it's always fuarrrking there. it's always scraping at my senses, abrasive, oppressive it demands attention but at the same time there isn't anything to notice, because it's uniform in every way except intensity beep beep beep beep beep i'm going blind and this is what i wanted it's hot and i'm cold, the glass is clear and i'm going blind i this i that i i i i i i beep just turn it off already guilt, shame, life, static hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i already posted but i want to go again it was fun. pupils dilate attraction in her eyes. hair stands up and skin shivers, heart thumps blood pumps and fluid shoots up her spine. the mind takes backseat as the body takes over and her limbs and body bends in ways that her reflection would blind her sight. Hyperventilation and nails cut and painted red looking like claws of the beast, digs into skin like earth and like a mosquito draws up blood like a needle beads of sweat scent of flesh. as she keeps going further her hands grasp the life and begin to squeeze, the mind cant stop as chemicals flood receptors and something powerful takes hold. the satan within, demons from beneath spirit standing idly and discipline is lost to the heat. Neck turns purple face goes blue pupils wider and wider as the body screams for more slf destructive behaviour feeding into sadistic desires. Red lips dark skin and black eyes will they make it out alive tonight. Forces clashing that society never meant to be kept them locked up and chained, beat the stick and raise the flag so fulfillment cannot be reached. 3 eyes searching insecurities fears and lies see it all and been there too, nothing hides from their watch knows her weakness as well as she. makes way for control, makes time to indulge and keeps a distance from order. Stuff that makes heroes and soldiers, bosses and workers, leaders and followers. Put that towards money, fuarrrk that soykaf i want the real thing; the reward my body craves. Controlled spending, i call that a cock block. Money I call that , and work is foreplay. crying for help, fear in the eyes but they cant be pulled apart, sometimes it takes some distance to appreciate art. Artists into hitlers and musicians into drug lords takes a pen and paper to keep me from genocide, and a mix table for my spermicide and my voice done stopping me from dying. Complex games of words, too stupid for these puzzles never been a fan of crosswords read my brain il read yours and we can get this soykaf started. Grab a gun rob a bank and ride away on my ride, set fire to capitol hill or shoot a politician in the head. but till then il sit down and think about what to think next.

>>144 I liked your previous one better, but I'm glad you find it fun. I think it might just be because my politics are a bit different to yours or something. Maybe it's because the last one seemed more schiz and improv. Not sure. Still good though, and I quite enjoyed reading it. First half is definitely best. It seems people's brains do this exercise differently. Some people write down the first concepts that come to mind, others start with individual words or sentences. I'm definitely a mixture of individual words and sentences.

Someone will read this. Why would they read this? What is the point of reading this and why would I choose to release it? Isn't the point of anonymity to be unknown? -but while without identifiers, through the simple transmission of thought the deepest parts of me can be laid bare. Is it scarier for people to know me and know who I am or is the scarier part for them to know what I am and judge that for purely what it is rather than as a facet of me? In the sense that there's no lies in that. People hate people who hate them and there's a lot of politics. But the more you give of yourself, and give freely, especially when dissociated from your persona the more legitimate any grievances are. The more objective people's contempt will become. On the other hand what is contempt but another trial of self induced friction. I don't have anything else to say but this is only three minutes. Birds fly freely. Their dirty grey wings match the dirty concrete beneath them. People feed them. I wish they wouldn't. The birds cannot feed themselves any more. People often do the cruellest things out of a need to feel kind. I hate the birds. They should be shooed away but instead I live among them. They make messes for me to clean and I worry that if I shoo them myself people will judge that harshly. Everyone is too sensitive around here. Too hippy. They wear weird clothes and complain a lot. Talk about how good the things they make are when they're just profaning their art. How can you call basic 2d cartoony soykaf art? It isn't art at all. Photography isn't art either. There is art in photography but it's still just taking a fuarrrking picture. I mean lets just be completely honest here. How many artistic photographs have you ever seen in your life? Probably like 3 and usually it's not due to the photographer's skill or any such craft based thing. It's because they were in a place where REAL soykaf was happening. War photography and things like that. Famine. Tragedy. That soykaf is art. You can't MAKE those photos. You can simply take them. You just bear witness. An artist reflects as much as they project. They deviate and recreate not simply adjust or reposition. They add something to it. "It" being the content. They don't make it. Drawing isn't art. Art is art. It's the technique of creating or contributing to wider thought through provocation of emotion or inspiration of thought. Getting naked and smearing yourself with cans of beans is not art. I hate modern art. What un-salvageable trash.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just wish someone was there to help me get through this pain I always feel. I sit here alone with thoughts that I feel would make the world a better place with no one to really listen even though I'm also afraid of what may happen if I actually don't filter myself and go through with it. The internet is a scary place these days with mobs and lynches after someone for speaking freely and truthfully. How can I escape this hell I constantly feel. So much pain and fear I always feel. I want to succeed but I'm scared of society I just wish I could live in peace and not have to deal with my past anymore. All of the people who have hurt me time and time again. How do I move on? How can I not worry about being attacked by those who threaten me? The anxiety overflows within my self being and takes over. It thinks it keeps me safe but it's causing me not to live my life. How do I go on from here? I'm getting older and older without accomplishing anything. Would it just be better if I was gone? My family wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. My girlfriend wouldn't have to take care of a loser like me anymore. But would it truly hurt them? I'm scared to take my own life. And always feel like there's got to be something for me. Just not here! NOTHING IS HERE FOR ME! If I could only move far away from this little hometown that has brought nothing but pain, fear, and ultimate agony. I need to be free. I feel so much better when I live this place and venture off with others. I feel true freedom when I'm gone from this place. It's like a massive weight is lifted. The social anxiety I constantly fear is gone completely. But I have no means of escape. No job, no money, and no support. These fears keep me and hold me down. My girlfriend doesn't want to leave her sick parents even though they don't care about her want her to have anything. I have to suffer because of it. Why must I suffer so much for others? Why can't I find my meaning in life? I don't want much out of my life. I just want peace and a decent space to live in. A quiet peaceful small place where I can spend my life. Just peace and quiet.

this thread is awesome the light the shadows the stops, chika tika ti kam, kaka, the bass and the sounds can fill the heart the heart lego let go, buwaaaaaaa, order and chaos, and stops, and infinite, noise and annyoing and molesting them, yours, forever, things about it, dont mention, retenton, i think. you. are making assumptions, real assumptions, for people real and sad. sick. im ever here, forever here with you, the strings, the lights, the upwards inertia feeling of dying and living and becoming oneself. please let me go, let it stop. i wanna get down, please

>>158 quite short but i think this is one of my favs so far

This is an awesome thread. I made the gif in the OP ages ago, crazy to see it turn up here, I just discovered this site a week ago.

>>163 No way! OP here, and I'm trying to remember where I first found that gif. Pics related. Did you make those too? I might've found them on /gd/ but I'm not sure. The internet is funny like that. Mind sharing how you made those? Maybe post on /vis/ Good to know you've found this corner of the Wired. Granted, right now we're still in a bit of a mess with some internal community drama, but trust me, in a month's time it'll be back to normal (just stay out of /q/ and you should be sweet) Anyhow, give the 10 minute writing exercise a try! I love reading people's responses.

>>164 Whoa! Yep, those are mine! I actually lived in a basement apartment a few years back without an internet connection, and I had two VHS tape decks and a crappy input switcher that would allow both signals to go in at once, which created some fun "rolling" interference effects. I dubbed those tapes back and forth a few times and left them in a box for about three or four years, and then early in 2016 I finally picked up a capture device and started pulling pieces from those tapes to make some animated .gifs; I have something like six hours of footage that I just haven't bothered to go through, but it's really easy to do yourself - since then I started trying to make some new ones using a cheap HDMI to RCA adapter, recording glitches and visual effects from my PC to VHS, and then just recording that playback using an old Elgato game capture device.

I'm german so i had to translate my stream of consciousness. Sorry for that... Why can‘t I leave the house just once and do things that I deam to be fun. I would like to just do the things I engrain in my head. White noise I can‘t even finish this simple task. All I have to do is to write what i spontaniously think and im even failing doing just this. Ill do something meaningfull tomorrow I hope. The day is free for me to use for whatever I like. Ich wish I could bring back all those things, that brought fun. I‘m at it right now… kind of. >thinking about what I wrote so far and besides that theres only silence – I can‘t construct any clear thought. Is it normal to be nervous and be scared of failing because of this task for which noone would judge me? Theo. Neurology. I was always interested in that. The brain. How far did the timer proceed im wondering. Checking would stop my progress. Am I making progess? So… I‘m not educating myself. What is „educating“. Everything‘s wrong. The more I concentrate on concentrating – Noises in the flat above mine. Moving furniture. The longer I write this, the easier it feels to just put my thoughts into written words. Am I lacking fantasy? Is that the reason why my stream of conciousness ist composed of normal sentences? Do I have to do this my whole life? Sitting and waiting for betterment? How long? [originally English] What did I tell you? Ahhhhhh Im scarced scare scared. Why. Maple. [/originally English] Im feeling warm. The laptop is warm. There are flaws in everything I do. Nothing is truly perfectly good. [originally English] I never feel like im home. Throne. Drone. Tone. Wone. >things thatsound like english words – noises and sounds Im upwound. [/originally English] My thoughs are too strongly clinging on to english terms which meaning I dont know and probably won‘t ever know because my brain just made them up by itself. Hand. I want to write the words that rhyme with „hand“ but I feel to dumb and infantil to do that. Even If I would want to achieve this task, my own head is standing in the way to do it like it‘s meant to be done. How should I translate this… I can‘t. Thats why I shouldn‘t always talk when I don‘t really have to. Because nobody is trustworthy. [on german it‘s a different phrase] Nobody wants to show me whats really good for me or who can really show me whats hidden underneath.

>>165 Nice man! Well I might as well dump the last couple of your gifs. But yeah the process sounds like something /diy/ worthy. I'm not quite sure how it would work with HDMI but then again I've never done anything involving VHS tapes tbh. I'd love to give it a try though. I think my VHS player still works.

Fat haggit orcks death despari tiredness monitor is too bright soykaf my dick balls butt fire rockets science this thread is cool what shouuld i do... Bread gray green red TOO BRIGHT! Spending too much money life is easy dont complain, conceal dont feel, frozen what?? I hate that movie. Movies, Ghost in the shell, sucked...liked the original. When will the next episode of berserk come out...10 hours, 10 hours, 24 hours, 29 hours, 42, ,meaning of life a hitchhiker a guide a galaxy. nonsense, I am babbling. fuarrrkKKKKKKKKKK Vans life, interest, compound interest loans banking, compound interest is a bitch, physics, CLIKITY CLACK CLIKITY CLAK TIC TAC TOE TACKITY TIC fuarrrk this thing is noisy. I need to sell this rig, its too big and loud and useless....it wont fit in the van. I want some music...its too quiet, my eyes are sore and droopy, what is wih this veins in my arms, its like i am turning into a spooky skeleton. fuarrrking memems, not an orgiinal thought in my head....pepe, frogs, kek, whatever...reidiculous meme maagic soykaf, trump presidecny entrepaneurship,. need to pay my insurance bill. I wonder what Alcor is up to laately...Acer head mounted display, head is itching, scratch scratch...slight hunger, thirst, dry lip, DO NOT LICK THEM.... god is in his heaven alls right with the world...Gendo ikari, NERV evangelion, love that guy, he is super cool, I want to be a super villain...or perhaps more of an antihero type, at least as far as the story of my life goes. I need to get off my asss and do stuff tommorrow should sleep, need rest...haate sleep, such a waste of time.....pooping, sleeing, eating drinking breathing all useles nonsense...being human can be fun...I find it frustrating and expensive though... have to work on trnscending, if i dont do it who will. I wonder if i oversteped my bounds, did i heurt their feelings? eh, probably does not matter. I miss my friends. time passing, endless, void....WHIIRRRRRR bUZZZZZZ CLICK beeep beep beep... SHUT UP! fuarrrkKKKKKKKK its too damn loud, I AM GOING TO SELL YOUR SORRY ASS TO CRAIGSLIST AND USE THE MONEY TO BUY SOME fuarrrkING BATTERIES!

Now im just thinking about how the timer is ticking ticking ticking on not really sure what else im supposed to be thinking about oh there goes the cat i wonder how many years shes got left in here 4 or 5 hopefully god what am I gonna do with here when I ship out for the military maybe chloe but I don't know how well she'd take care of her ehhh guess that doesn't matter right now still got a while god this is kinda boring don't know why i thought this would be any real fun popcorn thoughts are just weird not really entertaining I guess I could stop but then what was the point in starting in the first place grrrrr I can't help but start thinking about my family being a bunch of snakes, you're getting out soon itll be okay yeah but everyday is miserable with them all they do is manipulate and talk and talk and talk and im fed up with it yeah but its only because they want you on their side THATS BULLsoykaf if they really cared then they'd all be on teh same side for Chloe's sake but no they just keep trying to get at eachother by lying to their children fuarrrking sick fuarrrks wow this is getting a little dark no soykaf its dark you're stressed out and have been pushing deep inside you trying to stay cool and now you've got a temporary outlet maybe you should get help. from who? that's a good point. You've never seen a shrink help the people who have gone to them. then again that doesn't mean it wouldn't help you right? Ehhhh I don't think it would yeah. I wonder what the people in the thread will think....doesn't really matter that much sorta just doing this for myself at this point I think yeah but you're curious as to what they'll say otherwise you wouldn't be posting it you would...kinda funny isn't it....why do I have music playing in my head I wasn't even thinking about music....weird...think you're coming a little unhinged

im spitting some kebabs barbershop isnt paying money to druglords. skateboarding and fuarrrking, smooth skin and dark. massage, sweat glistening pores visible under a microscope. plants arent people. lonely but not always cute. need to wash my hair. weathers cold but not hard people around charred bodies. cant deal with crying well headphones in pretending not to listen. bad moods and soykafty vibrations need to walk the ledge carefully or face pitfalls and death. cant even feel myself without thinking about it. where is my girl. stop texting me you fuarrrking retards im just trying to smoke and calm down, everytime i open its like voices in my head. i cant deal with that right now ive got problems too, i love half of you okay its cool but i need some space sometimes so ask again tommorow. no one can replace it, i had it ive lost it feels like soykaf il try again next time maybe read some books or something maybe il get smarter. or maybe dumber sometimes im scared to read books cause im afraid its just giving me knowledge only relevant with people who also read that book. i dont want to become an automaton who just follows what books say snd has to think about everything i think enough. just come back let me smell you im a god damn creep i guess but thats fine. lie on my bed curl up like a cat i fuarrrking hate everyone else sometimes so just chill here and il keep you safe. i dont say anything i wouldnt say to you, keeps my mind locked sometimes when I know I can relate but am trying to move away from that to meet people like you. when you die so will god i guess, nah but il be on worst behaviour im sure. i dont want your positive energy it means nothing, get that soykaf away from me you have enough problems. heads swimming and im sick.

2:44 typing but i tried typing before. Now im just trying to cover up my thoughts by typing away. Not sure. About anyhting. I try to stay in this state mostly, it is relaxed. Big city lots of people and they are all unsure too... I think. Its hard to peel the masks off. Mostly i try to appreciate their craftsmanship--mostly im a cynic, you could say a coward. I dont often say so, but i call cynics cowards. So what am i. I dont want to answer that. Theres never any end to that question. You can keep asking it. I can keep asking it. Its a stupid question--because it cannot be resolved. It is useful only insofar as it cannot be answered. Well thats stupidly put. Lets reconsider, its a question you cannit ask when you want to actually hear something conclusive. But you can ask it when you want to hear a story that never ends. And haha. I do. I call things stupid too quickly. Wish i had a better word. Its a cutting word. It makes ppl feel dumb. And denigrating ppl isnt good. I love that word. Denigrate. It sounds alchemical. I love words and i love reading about words. Theres never any end to them. I have no idea how i would have lived before today or after today. Me me me. Thats enough anout me. You and i are an interesting pair. I should write more about us. Big misunderstanding we have. Yes. I went a little crazy when i found it out. You did too i imagine. But once i put it in writing i think it'll settle the issue. We'll settle the issue... Fan blowing. Cool air in a stuffy room. Ill be sleeping soon... I like this little website

For some reason, I felt like doing this with pen and paper and I'll probably do it with a keyboard for comparison later. Folded it into a boat / hat when I was done.

it's that feeling of being totally alone. not in a bad way. that weird, surreal feeling when you're walking somewhere, no one else in sight, and it's just so weird. we're just so used to people being around. I think that's it mostly. brings back nostalgic feelings, to games I played in the past. MMOs, in places where no other players are near. the feeling that others exist, and I could search for them, but I won't. I don't really want to. all alone, and that's okay. man, I was addicted to MMOs in the past. almost feeling nostalgic for my addiction now, no idea how that's even possible. some quiet all I really want is to just be alone I don't hate people I just don't want them to exist. that's odd. I've never thought that before, but it's true. I do want to be alone somehow, yet I bet I'd get lonely eventually. what's wrong with the human brain that it fools itself so badly so often? like heights. why do I start to shiver? it sure ain't gonna fuarrrking help me not fall, so why would the body do it? to try and repel me from the hazard area? what if I don't have a choice, and must be there? what if I consciously know it's not dangerous? instincts have become unnecessary damn, this has turned out to be some incoherent rambling. why am I even doing this right now, I should probably be studying. alone. that's the comforting thing about it. I think. I don't want to study, but it gives me an excuse for just sitting at home all day, doing nothing that I don't want to do. well, except study, eventually, stressed out. wonder why I keep doing that to myself. the human brain truly is a miracle, albeit a pretty lousy miracle.

>>183 i really enjoyed reading that lainon. it felt a lot like something i would write. i question myself a lot too. i might try do it on paper as well and see if it turns out differently. the boat is great i love it. its as if you picked it up when you saw it bobbing up and down in your stream of consciousness.

Try and eat a little tiny capybara. You will find yourself unable to do this because capybaras are cute. A magician's wisdom is running down your cheeks, in your veins and in your heart, you can never harm a capybara. Dogs are vile disgusting creatures, hence man's affection for them. Cats are arrogant and needy, hence man's affection for them. Capybara's are humble and majestic. They live in peace and harmony with every peaceful creature around them. Never harm a capybara. Treat a capybara well. Peace and love to capybara. Cats and dogs can go to hell.

>>185 >that weird, surreal feeling when you're walking somewhere, no one else in sight, and it's just so weird That delerium from being alone for a little too long, and without much distraction from that fact. Pretty good post

>>183 That's really neat! I guess I'll type I don't type my thoughts as I am afraid of the subconscious ideals I will find. Such thoughts bring me to a time when I was young and explored the soft sand on my native lands. The oceans winds lured me to saturate my desires of internal instincts. My thoughts then drag me to another dance of odd streams. I am now in my teens, drinking away with the bitter water, eyes dried beyond belief. I am far from the oceans grace and in the shackles of prison. My once proud home is littered with half baked condiments and disappointment. In context, I shouldn't have driven away those who we concerned of my essence being drained slowly. I drift endlessly like the ocean, falling into a puddle. It was the time when I was four, I had dropped a bowl of cereal and I felt stinging pain from my legs. Loud howls personify the surroundings and I feel the hopelessness once more. I don't want to unveil this memory but it was a necessary memory. Suddenly, I am back in the void. Words. Ideals. Goals. Fly be me with open, chaotic wings. I do not have time to slowly grasp my brief ventures as the time ticks audibly crescendo like a violin with no rosin. My soul jerks back and I am now sitting in my room. Sipping on stale water and accompanied by food wrappers. I guess things never change.

Okay, I'll try. The vast consciousness of mind these like the mindset of Aria haven't watched the sixth yet sommelierity experiencable quotation marks underlined by peasantly outnumbered cocoa beans. Tires glee through the sunset of wailing fury mind the bullet is still a chance nor it could be something burning in stomach. Tend to feely visualize experience of majority of peple likewise. Kwokka chtung chingyao chi. Zanmataisei frequently absurdistic ideology, peasantly outnumbering the vast columns of space vehicles. Outdid the feel of want to the doctor in spherical parrabolical putrid hatred cum-stained walrus. Senpai although must critique will shape reality in form of ten mobile phones at distant rate. Overall sincerity adjust margins of cocoa philter joyful representation of geek subordnance, becoming too much fluid coherently purred by zen. Twenty spheres of liason shoot mass reflection of burp acknowledging a bebe to coo. Chengyong firis amantello cassardis date machi open Djibril cat permission sleek putridity asensual knowledge of time and bep. Jealiusy abruption conflectargy autistic symphony, begging timid odolescence of solemnity. Chernogradovo Chertanovo Beryozki, axolotle misandreic voluptuity although column sphere slaped clock. >what have I done

So listen, i didn't even know if there was a reason for anything i do or not, but i think i pretty much invented all of the tropes that we use in pretty much all media, Faerie Faith in Celtic Countries. Praise ARwan lord of Annwn, the Faerie god-king of life and rebiirth, they will come and they will save but they will also decimate, we will live on in the after, in the other, forever and ever. Forever and ever. No time for enternal conflict when you're busy trying to balance a whole plane of existence and being everywhere but no where at the same time. yes it's very very difficult, and that causes lots of problems for me in this current body i reside. It's pretty annoying but i guess it's nice, i met someone to spend my time with, and that has made it a lot better, but there are some days, where i still want to just end all of my suffering, kill myself, but i know that'll fragment my soul even further into oblivion making harder to ever feel whole again. I'm so close. So. Close. So Close. So Close. So close. Just time to wait a little longer i guess.

I am scared, scared that I won't be good enough. Although why should I be worried about being good enough for anyone other than myself? Because I'm lonely obviously. I have never known what it is like to be loved by someone other than family. This weighs heavily on me, I am a romantic at heart. I want to kiss her, and I have. I want to holder her hand, and I have, I want to embrace her, and I have. It won't last though, we're too different, she has no idea how important she is to my life right now, while I'm only the dude she's currently seeing, before whatever happens that puts a stop to it. I am afraid of that because this is the closest I've ever felt to someone romantically, She's told me she likes me, but she has no idea what it's like to even be told that after years of emotional turmoil and rejection. She doesn't understand, and she never will. It's only some of us that understand what it's like to be broken. "Some people are meant to be with other people, and others are just different". Why are we different? We feel the same emotions, we have the same needs and desires. Why are we hated by people? I've never met a loser that I didn't see eye to eye with, you can always tell when someone has been broken by life. Damn it, we have to keep trying don't we? What's the point in living if you don't try to improve your situation? Humans are like iron, we only reach our potential after going through fire and hammer. Humans are fragile, a mean comment made 10 years ago will forever haunt you, forever put you down, forever make you feel like you don't deserve to even exist in the same earth as normal people. What's normal anyway? People that don't care? I'm not ashamed of caring, I care a lot and I care deeply and I care about everyone and the very thought of hurting someone like I've been hurt, like others have been hurt is making me want to cry. Crying is hard, I don't like crying because I feel weak. I feel like if I cry because I'm having some stupid problem with some girl I'm undermining the problems of people with real hardship. I guess I really shouldn't feel bad, some people have it a lot worse. I'm tired of trying and failing, but at the same time I know that hope will never leave me. I suppose I'm grateful for that. I hope some day I can help my friends as much as they have helped me. Even if I can't find the romance I want in anyone, at least I know there are others like me, that were born in the wrong place, in the wrong time, in the wrong planet, with the wrong parents, with the wrong peers, or with just plain rotten luck. I wonder if luck is something determined at birth, I think I've had good luck with my life now that I think about it. Every time I focus on my problems I realize that it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't feel right to settle for a mediocre life just because there are worse ones out there.

I really liked this so I'm doing another one, I'll try to keep it more loose fast, going fast, not sure what to write, I keep thinking about speed for some reason, maybe it's all a cardboard box, or maybe it's all a string around our necks. The color green, it's soothing, it's calm, it's serene, the color blue, it's deep, it's weird. And red, it's fiery and passionate and it envelops you like a blanket that sometimes suffocates, sometimes its warm sometimes its cold and its always around you but you need it because it's known, and when you don't know something that's bad. My head hurts, my hands hurt, but bodies are made for hurting, the body can take it and the body likes it and the body is stronger from it. The mind is different, things take longer to heal when they're in your mind. What am I? Am I a mind inside a brain or a brain inside a skeleton or a bag of bones? does everyone have trouble sleeping when they think about things? I don't think that's the case, is there somethign magical about the late hours of the night? Maybe humans are meant to be awake during that time. I'm scared for my dog because she's old and she's frail and she needs help moving around. I can help her but I feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm not doing enough period. When we close our eyes we see shapes, dots, stripes, like a geographical map. There are a bunch of places I haven't seen and might never get to see. Some I'd like to see, otheres not. Some people are savages, some people aren't. Are savages more in tune with themselves? What's more important? to be in tune with oneself or to be able to control one self? Is having control the same as I don't know. loud noises, lod noises that don't exist but feel so real. What are our imaginations? are they a world inside of us? Are they us? are they something different? my imagination is a wild person, not wild, pedantic, considering everything, even when it's not right. can something other than ourselves exist within us? We'll never know what other people think, how they experience the world, what their imaginations are like. Can we really know someone without that information? Maybe it's for the best and we don't want to know other imaginations. Ours might get envious. Maybe some people are better at perceiving reality, maybe that's a bad thing.

The stream of consciousness is the internet in its purest form, I wish there were more other honest mediums that were used. I guess soykafposts are. Disappointed in my Melee results today, food makes a difference to how you perform, over confidence is the killer of my playing. whenever I think I'm going to go in winning I lose stupidly. Keep it cool and win. Gotta put more coscious effort again into things, tried doing things passively for a while after being conscious for so long, not very good except for when I was homeless and lofty. More coscious in hobbies, less conscious about general life direcetion. Need to figure out what I want to do with my friends to go in new direction, a lot of talent within friends and want to do something, chasing lofty idea though. Want someone else to hang with thats interested in stimulation abscence and seeing what happens without, introudincing strange objects as entertainment. Nothing concrete to go on with, notice I say I need a lot when I want to work on things. Probs something not to do, need to not do that hehe but really what does it mean, actually makes sense. Often try to force something to be more instead of steady pace or something. Should write notes on what IO want to achieve outside hobbies, maybe get another side job to fuarrrk around in, reconnect with some old friends, meet up with old church people. Met old church person the other day who was satying at parents house, immediately flustered and felt anxious after conencting as church person. Need to rechange my thinking of a group of people from something and individuals, esp when they dont care about church probs fuarrrk said need again, noticed but kept typing, oh well. should I fix my spelling errors or leave them I hate the red, really annoying, interesting how we use grammer or puncutaion when its a stream, muscle memory I guess.

Okay lets go. I find that once I do one of these I can't stop and it affects all of my other posts. I really fuarrrked up my head, but I enjoyed doing it. Man, I want things to go back to the way they were, sort of. I was doing it right, I was being procedural, I don't know why I stopped. I'm trying harder now to reconnect but I've been in a place like this for a little too long. No choice but to build momentum, and wait for it to snowball, but this took me years to do before, so what I'm going to be back at square 2 when I'm 30? And now I have tolerance issues to deal with (that's not the word, there's another phrase for it, when you've been exposed to something so many times that being exposed to it again has a blunted effect, even if the original effect is something that you have a deficit of, but I can't think of the phrase. I mean mostly with regard to media), so I don't know if it'll work out. People are constantly pumping out new ideas, though, so maybe it will be okay. I need to be an idealeech before I can go back into creative mode (as if I was ever there in the first place! well I was, but I was too elated by it to do anything). I'm just really tired of this nonsense. It's the same cycle over and over again, I get into nonsense, rage and other nonsense feelings build, I get out of it, feel too much, and then forget how bad nonsense feels, so then I get into nonsense again. If this snail-crawl pace qualifies as moving forward, it's more cautious and uncertain before. I would like to say more disciplined, whereas before it was a youthful burst of energy, but I do not think it is. Not even more wary. More desperate, more appreciative of what it would actually mean for me. I really want to be able to see beauty again. And nihilism is crawling in the back of my skull again, that doesn't help at all, but at least it's contradicted by memories that so easily blast it out of the park. When I really string together the events of my life and how I transitioned from one state to the next, it all seems so impossible. Not what I would have expected. I'm hoping that the trend of unexpectedness will continue, in a more positive way. I need to be proven wrong, but not by an antagonist. I need someone to snap their fingers and break me out of my trance, then hug me and say "welcome back". I want an open mind.

Self indulgence. Why else have a thread like this? Who else but the self deluded would believe that a 'stream of consciousness' would be worth the calories burned by the reader, the service provider, the power company? It is creating the useless in an attempt to feel useful. Even this. Even this! There is no deeper meaning in the scribblings of the idle mind. If so, it is architected. A falsehood, propagated without responsibility and repercussion as anonymous scribblings. There is nothing more to it. And why should there be more? Why do you believe such nonsense can hold worthwhile meaning? Which of you has insight in a moment that eludes the lifetimes of others? What a conceit! A lie perpetrated by the self. See! See how even this wraps around itself, imbuing deeper meaning scaffolded on the idle thoughts of one that despises the act that bore this. See! Even that sentence is rife with grammars that both cast doubt and affirm itself. And now we get to the heart of the matter. What matter? What heart? Why must a matter have heart? Is it because - no, scratch that. It is because a thing is only immediately valuable in relation to another. A matter has a heart because a heart is a center, and a center that is distinct from another heart (that presumably is different from where the first is). And see what nonsense comes out of this! Navelgazing in the extreme. To think that peoples lives were spent to enable this flow of nonsense. The universe is another small amount of steps closer to a thermalized heatbath because some asshat thought it was a great idea to encourage other asshats to generate more entropy. Maybe we can have an entropy parade where we all burn highly ordered dinosaur remains. See! Even that. Everything is just that. And to think its more is preposterous.

im not comfy lately. the days are so short because all i do is spend my days wondering how to make them longer. are we ever going to reach moderniztion? we are constently taking 8 steps back from our 15 steps forward. my computer never charges in the amount of time i would like it to. i could run away but my computer is not charged enough . its battery is so short lasting. they would find me. i just itched myself because i didnt know i was going it. am i really aware of what i am oing? i say im trangnder but i wear wigs? then when my mother tells me whyshe hesitant to believe me when i say i want to go on testosterone i yell at her. i wear makeup and wis. its so messy! my life is messy and my clothes im wearing from 6 nights ago. i foudn them on the floor, i didnt even go to school today. i do not know why, im dysleic and this makes it harder for me because not only am i dealing with aniety, depression AND learning disabilities but i am also dragging along my curiosity for the TSUI project? is it even real? im not killing mysef until july 1st because thats when the gates open. but will i kill myself for unknown reasoning? how can Tsuki predict what happens after life? soulshatter? it gives me something to live for, sadly. even if its not ral im still hanging on because inn my not logical mind i think i will be reborn s something that actually accurately represents my soul. dogs dont have souls, i want ozzie to come along but he wont have a fuarrrkin soul. how is that possible? does tsuki hate animals? but tsukis just the representative, god knows who the founder is lol im gonna take a walk with my dog because he's turning 9 or 10 and he will die soon. i wont see him after i kill myself. he will miss me. im sorry oz i pln to leave really soon, i dont know if ill even wait for tsuki to announce the doors are open. because techinclly we will wait in a waiting room until the date of Unlink. unlink is different than the gates opening????? idk i wanna see my blood pour out of myself, thats what im mot ecited for. i love those creepypastas where mickey is buried in a door and no one knows. or mickey exe where its so fuarrrking morbid

I want to die, everything is too difficult and I don't know where to go or what to do. I just go blank. I cant close off my mind and give up. I want to try but I can't. I can just hear the sound of my computer while in inner turmoil, going around and around overthinking without this ever leading to action. Should I message him or not, do I even want a positive response? I can't come to a conclusion, so I end up doing nothing. At some point choosing any random choice may be better than indecision and inaction. In the end it just becomes chaos because I'm not capable of acting as a rational agent anymore. I'm to do anything that instinctively comes to me, always through unnecessary pain, like a thoughtless machine built by satan. Disgusting. A heroin overdose is always there in thought but yet I don't buy the materials, I will be left to wallow like this until I snap and go there, nobody will save me from this

starting, operating the timer has started and yet i havent, processing the inner thoughts of my head in order to make sense of them, why do the inner thoughts of my head not make sense? if they are thoughts then they ought to make sense because if they didnt then why would they be in my mind, im scared of masturbating because i dont want to hurt myself again i plan on making more so that i can get rid of all the bad feelings inside of myself, am i doing this right im uncomfortable and not breathing a lot oh i just moved how twisted maybe this isnt supposed to be what im doing restarting the music so that i may continue i need to study i need to sign up for the temp agencies and classes i need to talk to my mother more often is ten minutes too long for this sort of thing i feel like i have transcended did i spell that right? i need to talk to my stepfather tell him im sorry no fuarrrk that bullsoykaf he should apologize my mom has nothing to do with this i also have to pay rent on monday about 100 dollars that i could spend on hookers maybe i can spend the 80 no that uboa thing scared me that reminds me i need to start posting there more often i hope that this can make me smarter or at least lead to me making smarter decisions maybe this could make my life better what if there was a psychologist on here reading this the timer number should be on the tab although im sure that the developers never intended for that its currently 12:31 im getting bullied at work or maybe its being pushed around kathy is so cute or was she katey no i think its kathy shes this japanese girl at my work she is cute although a bit mean i work at daiso so that i can support my habit of having sex with hookers man brewing soykaf takes so little money and effort and time and all that stuff that humans need i just imagine her laughing i wonder if you can tell what is going on in my mind i wonder if people think i am crazy what if i talk for so long that there will be nothing else to talk about i am just talking about the wierdest soykaf just like everyone else in this thread

im doing 30 minutes because i need to transcend into a higher being i cant be the same little kid i was before but why am i doing this at 12:36 at night? isnt it wierd that number twelve hopefully this can make me better help me my life is dying im going to improve god will help me even when i was high my body feels wierd oh god is this what death feels like i feel like my head is gonna blow up its a one ear thing headphone because im too poor to afford two headphones can i do this forever will this increase my typing speed how good will i become after 30 minutes 40 minutes 50 minutes an hour 2 or 3 or 4? i really just dont know stop asking my i will improve i will show that bitch takase how powerful i have become i am soldier in a war against myself i dont know who i am anymore sometimes i just feel like dying i want to become something bigger than myself like i am huge big boy big boy big boy big boy1 the emphasis is huge woohoo! like i dont even know anymore now its just ecstacy why do i have to write every word i think i have to get out of this helicopters guns money women sex food good life or the type of life a 19 year old can have there are too many things in this world for 10 minutes alone 1+1=2 of course! its so simple1 that whore neeeds me to fuarrrk her pussy again i need to feel the red and the pink and everything in between why do i listen to the same songs over and over again? why do i repeat myself? emphasis i wanna be famous i dont like not beingg known thoughout the streets of tokyo and los angeles what if someone finds out who i am on here like they connect all the dots what if they are police i just finished yakuza 4 there are numbers everywhere you go why does 4chan have the number 4 on it dont answer that i already know i know how to type gojammit fuarrrk you i hope i dont take up too much time i remember when i would get rid of all my stress on the internet but fuarrrk you no i dont mean that get out of my godamm mind i wanna stop now this is getting boring i always do this i do something thing and then i stop well not anymore im going until 30 and thats final maybe ill do this again so that i can gain exp points god yunalesca is such a bitch why dont people appreciate gta 4 how much time is left i always do that at work i should do this the next time im at work just have a million thoughts all at the same time just not right it done just think it to myselfこの楽器だな俺のテストが難しいだよねそのやろおニックだman i am such a fuarrrking weeb i should just kill myself i just felt like doing that so i did it man i hate that kid or guy since hes in college maybe i should just kill myself and everyone like in taxi im afraid that i could get in real trouble if i say shoot up a school i wont do it i swear i wouldnt hopefully this will just get covered up in a sea of nothingness ness from earthbound was a fuarrrked up game i wanna stop my fingers are tired i think it would be ok if i stopped timer isnt done yet so fuarrrk ill keep going but maybe not as fast when i think about hurting my dick my body tenses up weeaboo that s what i am i need to transcend i hated it when i was high that bitch becky oh god i hope nobody realizes this is me and hate that jason he can go kill himself i wish he would just die i hate him i love my dad i love him to death and back i need to do my resume and type it up go to the school print it out from those jews at word also pierce college is a total jew college is a meme hospitals are a meme i wanna know everything it is like kicking dead whales down the beach when you dont i want to learn programming i want i want i want is that all you do you need a real hobby or kill yourself everyone does so much more work than you do you want to kill your whole family? what is wrong with you kill yourself no dont tell me that you sonof a bitch you deserve to stop it now im thinking about a hallway at school how i drank out of the faucet and that cute girl laughed at me holy soykaf am i a glitterboy i need to stop i want to do something that will impress everyone like wow he did that and i could say yeah i did that your mom thats who sex sex sex thats all i want smt is a good game cyberpunk thats me i am the cyberpunk boy who has always cyberpunked i have a party on friday with a bunch of people i dont like who need to grow up from fuarrrking videogames puyo puyo tetris is really fun looking forward to stumping all my friends maybe this is the clarity that i neeed i need god to leadd me out of the darkness and into the light away from the demons no more typos and corrections from now on the delete button is nowt used if i have to correct something than no im getting tired please ring oh god i feel tired cant stop maybe take a rest no more going fast just slow down hey i thought i said stop myabe i get carpetltunnel or no i dont knowing how to spell im dumb i need to rest please god ther i go again relaxing on god i just moved my hand my mind is going 1-0000 times a minute i dont even know what that means all this thinking is tiring me out im gonna check on the timer 5 minutes i got five minutes left i need to go to sleep its one already i need to kill myself because if i get caught i will do it i dont want to live with the embarrasement i want cyberpunk but im afraid ill look weird how big are kids minds i wonder like ai chan even if she isnt relevant maybe not everything needs to be recorded this is proof that i have walked across this earth please send this to aliens so that i cna obtain immortality if the earth is destroyed there will always be the future lets escape to mars where no one will know who we are even if i dont want to stop i wont stop because i know i will be better i am so weak and not like that really gay song dont know who wrote but if i did id kill them oh god just ring already please the stress is killing me i just want to move why is this happening ok i moved at 1:05 you know you dont have to do all this learn programming sign up for school get puyo puyo tetris from my friends house lol i thought cousin in my head this is all i can do maybe i should erase this no more correcting myself you see i cant promise myself soykaf god just kill me this laptop is too expensive for my mom to give me for me to just act so soykafty to her even though it is not entirely my fault sei da to

get rid of the thoughts in my head no more shall i be held to my brain freedom is all i dream of its time to make my sacrifice i will kill all the bad in my head get out all the badness in this land no more killings i hope this information gets to somewhere and is helpful to someone need to go to the stripclub but im all out of money i only have ten minutes to get rid of the demons in my head like when im high or drunk but when im drunk i dont even feel that bad its when im high is when all the bad stuff happens

Burning, burning, burning bright like graceful symmetry, heaven's a earth and all is all right with a word and its substantial unity with our fatherly mother who art in tube heaven, ribbons a game you know me and gob soykaf and the gob soykafs fuarrrk of life with no plum give me my seed and I will go to you on knees of gold and take you to a me in nation on course like a ship in quivers, know this and I tell like a cat without its tail, no more needle in my eye of heaven, no more of it and the soykaf of cat and your soykaf of Angel feather I come in a suit that smells art like me and you and descending music you play in heaven.

I posted in another thread here about my failures, and I don't feel as hopeless as I used to. That's what I realized. Things aren't going my way, but that's not a unique human experience. In a way I'm failing in the right direction, if that makes sense. Like how walking is mostly just controlled falling. I bought a chromebook even though I claim to be against most of what Google does and consider myself security and privacy conscious. I'm not doing anything sensitive on it though, and after I test it out for a bit I'll use crouton to put linux on it. I might try to find a way to completely replace chrome os with linux, but then again I might not if I like having something that has a full desktop on it as well as android apps enough. Maybe if I get a home server up and running I can have all the convenience of what's basically a terminal with a local cache and none of the google problems. I'll get it all figured out one way or another. I need to read more books. Physical ones, no backlit screens, since that helps me sleep better and I need less internet nonsense in my head. I'll be on a plane in a couple days, so that's a perfect time to start, or continue rather. I've been reading The Hacker Ethic for the past few nights and it's interesting seeing how something written in 2001 still holds up, especially considering the relation to technology. Nothing has come along yet to challenge the ideas in the bool because those ideas are in the process of changing the old (centuries old!) ideas that dominate western culture right now. I wonder if any of this will resonate with other lains or if this is strictly cathartic for me. Time is up.

here we go, its starting, at 12:58 AM on 6/10/2017 right after yesterday i am here writing in order to keep the demons out of my head. I remember when i first had a skype chat it was with a cute girl but i did it in my little brothers room who had a baby crib in his room and i was making my eyes dart like a crazy person. sometimes i want to kill myself. i keep flipping over to a youtube tab to replay a song called rise origa from the gits series. i dont really understand the series but i still like it i wonder if it is a meme to understand it in japan too weebs seem to joke about not being able to understand a show a lot as if they really couldnt understand a show or maybe its just so stupidly written which it seems to be a lot of the time i need to develop self control and get away from my delusions. the pain is not far behind its actually right in front of me but i dont know how to get away from it isnt it wierd how we go through a million thoughts a minute not even recognizing them but they are still there i need to get rid of my fears of everything being ephemeral i want to understand every symbol i come across even if i cant understand it every kanji every word or i just wont feel complete i still have yet to learn japanese spanish and korean and learn a soykaf ton of new words in the english language because that is the only way i can get better i get so embarrased when i cannot comprehend something in front of others it makes all my work feel like it was for nothing although the point of that work was never to impress anyone it was simply so that i could express the love i may have for that culture i feel pain everywhere when i am high i feel the need to repeat myself for emphasis my eyes are on fire i cant stop writing otherwise i feel unfulfilled and i want to kill myself i have always felt that when ever since i was a child and i dont know why please tell me god

i make one post using the c word and i get all my work thrown away

im a fuarrrking dumbass thats right i dont know soykaf i dont even know english im just a dumb fuarrrk who listens to soykafty music and reads soykafty threads on soykafty imageboards im just repeating myself here im soykaf soykaf soykaf soykaf soykaf soykaf i cant get anything to come out my brain is a mush of soykaf that doesnt even make sense but hey who cares its not like im going to press the submit button haha thats what i always do, just

Maybe I could have done that differently why do i keep doing this why do i keep trying and trying and yield no results i should give up. give up give up no if i do i will let everyone down but do they care do they? why do i care what they think they don't care about me im such a failure i can't do anything right you fool you can't do anything right why do i feel so alone why do i feel nothing why can't i connect with people like a normal person why do i even care why try why try why try why try why try give up give up give up but i can't.....

I am just going to write for a little while dont care if its 10 min have you watched the new season of orange is the new black? There i go again with the advertising i really need to stop sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and think that i am not really me and that it is somebody else because it probably is its so fuarrrking weird when i stare in the mirror like a lunatic the thoughts we have are processed at a million miles a minute life gets easier the more you live it why does it have tobe that way i wish i could just stop myself sometimes i need to grow the fuarrrk up i like to hurt myself and i like to hurt others when i saw that guy get boiled i secretly laughed to myself and enjoyed it because i felt empathy for the man being beaten by the cholo thugs i really fuarrrking hate cholos i think they are a disease i wonder if someone is reading and they find it and believe it is me no that is impossible nothing is impossible im gonna keep going until my mind is empty of words and i get tired and sleep no more fuarrrking around

I'm actually just going to type for 5 minutes. Heck your rules. Anyway, something that I saw just a few minutes ago was very interesting, so I'd like to expound on that: I was on .jp (please forgive me) and there was a thread on there about deja vu. I looked it up and apparently researchers have discovered a method to induce it on subjects fairly-reliably. It goes like this: they tell you a list of words (in the article the example given was "bed," "pillow," "night," and another I forget), but they don't give you the common thread linking them together (in this case "sleep." Most people will actually say they heard "sleep" if asked. However, if researchers instead asked if they heard a word starting with the letter S, they would say they didn't. When prompted for "sleep," however, they would say it felt familiar and then report a feeling of deja vu. The mechanism in question is that deja vu is actually your brain combing through its memories, and then finding some common thread linking them -- however, it mistakes this common thread as an actual memory. In life events, this may be caused by dreams, and with one especially strong in your mind you may even mistake the dream for a premonition. Really interesting stuff. Alright well my timer actually went off at "caused by" in the previous paragraph, but heck my rules too. I'll leave this with a haiku about dreams, and their affects on your psyche. There's even a rhyme scheme! "I once had a dream. It was scary. I was three. I am scared of bees."

I can feel the wave enveloping my body, taking over my mind and soul as if rain down upon me with the force of 1000 oceans crashing, bursting and forcing its way into my insides. crushing my internal organs and damning my brain to the point where I let go. All of my thoughts drift away from me like steam as the immense pain pulsates throughout my veins, "it hurts! It hurts! What is this? How can I stop this?" I think to myself. "Will this last forever? I must let go of myself!" My thoughts turn dark as the last of my breath escapes me. I have nothing to hold onto now. At the brink of my existence, I stop thinking, now its only raw instinct that takes over. I have no escape. There is no way to end the pain. This will last for as long as this needs to. You have no power. This is your damnation. Let this be your new existence. One of fire and brimstone. Let the new sensation guide you. Here is where you die. Now is the time. Allow it. Embrace it. Know that this will be the last you ever feel comfort. The comfort of me talking to you, for you shall never speak to another soul again. Let me twist and bind you, and squeeze the very living out of you. Let me relinquish all that lies within you. May you never speak again, hear, listen, feel or see again. Your action led to this. Had you been stronger, wiser, you could have prolonged this. But you insisted. On, and on would you continue. No remorse, no hesitation. Pure action.

where to start, it felt like this on a rainy day, not too long ago, I was heading south, in a burst of light. I was thinking about the long, windy roads ahead of me. Thinking how hard it would be to get down there, back to the smalltown. I dont know what ill be doing there, hopefully just resting at my aunts house. Hoping she has a running shower there. Maybe she has an extra bed there instead of just that ragged old mattress i used to sleep in during the summers i would spend there, contemplating about when I would get home. Oh man thats so embarrasing. Now Im just remembering about how I used to hit on that 21 year old cashier at the mall down here. I didnt know her name but she was the cutest blonde you would ever meet. I talked to her about nothing for a while. And then I saw her at the DMV and sat RIGHT next to her. I bet she was thinking "man what a dumb kid" I think my aunt mentioned that she saw the same girl at a party once. "Talk about awkward!" As if anyone talks like that. All these contrived ways of speaking, I wonder if anyone even talks that way. Or if they are completely limited to marketing companies using these types of lingo to better relate to a younger audience. What does the younger audience know about cool that I don't? Im 19! I should know what is hip and what is not. Thats another one. "Hip". Like wtf does that even mean? I have no idea. I hope I get laid today. Although I hope that everyday. I hope my penis doesnt hurt today. Infact, it doesnt even fit inside the toilet bowl! Wierd! I should kill myself.

I feel sadness. As if I was in love kind of sadness. I cant fight with him. Hes the only one i have any kind of a connection with anyone really. Im not shy. Im getting sick of people saying this. I think the only reason people say this is to get on my nerves. Right now this glitterboy wont stop trying to talk with me, like, do you have any other friends to go bug? I dont want to do any thing Im not comfortable with! its too bad he isnt interesting, at least than we could have something to talk about, but then the same thing could be said for me. Whats the difference between than and then? I seriously dont know. Does anybody read any of this stuff? or will this get lost in 1000 other posts? can you tell if this is all just one person? does anyone lurk this thread? i mean there isnt much here but a bunch of typos and wierd wording. its not like i have an editor. isnt it wierd how the words with the most impact are often the ones that are nouns? its not like any other word can have emphasis! im not sure what im writing about anymore! wtf am i writing about? is the reading voice in your head annoying? because im dying from the heat! being an adult is wierd! its like you are endlessly waiting until the moment of death. until finally peace! and where do you get that peace? from the void of despair! the one that you shall feel for all eternity? im sorry, is this a bit of a downer for you? strange talking wierd person? is it true that this could be matieral for working on the collective unconsious? yes i know what that word is, but no i dont know how to spell it? isnt that wierd for you? me being annoying. i know i do it often. but you dont know me! die please! alot of talking about death. dont know why! maybe because its like death! how beautiful, death is. i wonder if anyone will believe my eyes. why is that girl staring at me? the squeaky sound is weird. kill me! ill send you my email. stop looking at me. you dont understand! youll never understand because you are possibly a homosexual. Adolf Hitler Adolf Hitler. Sandy Brooks Sandy Brooks. I dont know anyone by that name Alex Michel, who is that? i dont know! stop reading my ranting and ravings! maybe you should have sex with your coworker... no that would be weird. that girl is judging you. Let her judge! she can do whatever she wants cuz she wont say a thing! you can say whatever you want and she wont react. thats because she cant and she probably wouldnt want to either way. i dont want to listen to the other section of this song. i was called a retard today because i was studying SO hard

I look out my 89-story window, and i see myself, wearing hightech vision goggles in futuristic china. Im american, and I came here from the us military to spy on the ruling class of china. There is CCP propaganda on the posters outside, the tv, and on the lips of every passerby. I feel like an alien in a new world.

junk mail, collecting in my mind, clouding my judgements. every move i make is calculated. its all in my head, i gotta get out of it. it consumes me, but i wish to consume it, donating all my time to help the poor and sick. i grow stronger everyday. my influence keeps attacking at the very soul of this state. i own myself! i keep coming back to these same emotions. junk is what keeps running through my mind. im in a psychotic state of mind all the time. robots roaming, demons flowing. soul energy eroding my time away as i fight to survive the ideas that contaminate my very being.

I talk to people in my head i guess... i really really miss just having a stream of consciousness. It is hard.

>>131 i got nirvanas lithium song stuck in my head kinda like his friends even though if i were to lose less than five they'd be in my head as well but im not lonely im perfectly okay whith who i am even tho i cant handle boredom very well due to my over active imagination and constant media exposure but i guess thats okay at least im not dumb or ingnorant i think that would be a better word really tho that cleshe really holds true but for some reason im not really sad or angry i just feel like im surviving for as long as i can before i enevitably die from what ever cause of death that happens it would be cool to become immortal and then die tho like be the prime example of an event horizon or being able to bring yourself to divinity only to slap divinity itself in teh face and become mortal again

does anyone else feel scared to sleep? like you dont want to interrupt the status you have now and would rather crash into sleep and wake up at 12 but when you do you feel like soykaf.

wanting isnt the same as needing but fuarrrk if i know the difference and i feel like an iris thats been cut but at the same time ill never be as beautifu but heres what i think, now ill tell you what i think because i trust you as much as i never can and i think sometimes about everything that could be but mostly everything im too scared to try and i miss luke the lion, luke leon my obsession my hope that was dashed and deceiving as melodramatic as that sounds and youd think someone whos seen hell like i have wouldnt be so affected by a shoddy joke of a high school romance but here i am pining after boys like a shoujo pussy. speaking of pussy, delicious. and here goes me and mine at 13% til death and he'll never know i've already pledges mind body and soul to him, because it isnt wiser to commit yourself to a mystery but it sure as hell is fun. girls just wanna have fun but twitter feminists need to get a fuarrrking grip. for such a chill girl im drowning in loathing. my mother tried to drown me. she killed my father and tried to drown me too down the road but that god her drunk friends arent really monsters all the time. her drunk friends. boyfriends. i'm her kid. i'm her kid and once a psychic told me that in a past life she was mine, and that i felt she was burdensome, so maybe this is my punishment for that. i want her to love me as much as i want to lock her in a basement and set the house aflame. sometimes im afraid that the murder gene will turn out to be hereditary. im sure its not but ive made myself so paranoid that i need pills for the nightmares. i can only hope that her knack for getting away scot free is too if thats the case. aphrodite is my favorite. this thread is my favorite too. nothing in life is free or fair and everyone thinks thats wrong, but who ever said it was. god, i want madotsuki to fuarrrking raw me. also i think this might be too graphic for the form but fuarrrk censorship; i cannot wait to suck my guy's cock. im pretty sure i like doing it 5 times more than he likes getting it, but hey, whatever. im so horny and angry all the time, jesus, what am i a preteen boy? and that's time. i'll almost definitely be doing this again later, its such a therapeutic outlet.

I dont know what im doing, im such an idiot sometimes. Why the hell did i have to touch her leg. Lose my relationship with my cousin, act like an idiot in front of her as well as the girl who liked me. Why am i such an embarrassment. im even an embarrassment to my mother. its why i dont talk to her

>>306 I'm horribly afraid that every time I go to sleep I am killing myself and someone else is taking over, kind of like a teleporter in sci-fi media. I really fuarrrking can't believe anything anymore, nothing ever works, i'm sick of waiting for things, i'm sick of being sick of waiting for things, I wish everybody would move at my pace and was direct. We need a death penalty for small talk, or staying still, or standing still on both sides of the escalator. we need a death penalty for being a fuarrrking fuarrrk. I need a fuarrrking death penalty, and whoever gave me this life penalty needs a double death penalty.

just started a new job. have a huge crush on the girl sitting across from me. We flirt all day and i think it's really obvious to everyone around us that were into eachother. We got spoken to about not working hard enough today. I have a girlfriend, but I don't love her. She's the best girlfriend I've ever had but I still don't love her. I just think about work girl all day even when I go home. I can't wait to get up in the morning and go to work. I havent felt this way about someone in a long time, and Im worried she could completely fuarrrk up my life. at the same time I don't even care. I'm just happy to finally feel something for someone. I'm finally not feeling numb everyday. Finally feeling like myself again. I'm grateful she appeared in my life, and I'm excited and scared to see how things unfold. Going to a work party tonight but shes leaving town for the weekend. Was really hoping she would be there since my girlfriend is away. My girlfriend is going to her grandmothers funeral, and I don't care at all that I'm not going. Leavnig her alone at a funeral. My girlfriend loves me so much but i cant reciprocate the feeling at all. I try really hard to be a good person, but sometimes I feel like a total asshole. I think it's obvious that I won't fall in love with her at this point. I'm just stringing here along. Wasting both of our time. Thinking about the girl from work every night. Only fuarrrking my girlfriend when I have a sexy dream about someone else. Am I just going to get bored of every girl? I wish I could just fall in love with someone.

>>131 fuarrrking why, Thinking about typing Trying to make it not sound artificial Don't think about that, that's pretty gay. ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN? i FEEL LIKE I'M It's funny trying to see and think creating artificial thoughts and doing your best to make them into actual arguments within your head to make yourself seem schizo. Doesn't? Someone is in my head but it's not me. I feel like. If I tell them these thoughts, they'll take me away., Stop phrasing it like that, retard, you're driving yourself to insanity. Stop thinking like that. How many levels of self-conscious and aware can you get? Can these levels communicate with each other. Seems like a good old joke. The sound of these keyboards clacking sounds like Korean Drumming. Oldboy. I like that film. Why'd you delete that. Why do i ask myself these questions? Why am I posting in this thread. To show how different I am? Possibly the people here aren't truly thinking. I am not truly speaking from my consciousness. I'm trying to order it out via computers. Looking at all these posts are funny. How do I make my thoughts disorganized? Water. How do i describe water ina good way? Seeing all these flashing lights. Taht light there. That map there. I waonder if you can keep documents of ones thoughts using electronic equipemnt. Like in Akira. THose markers there on the table, It's suipposed to be undirected, glitterboy, stop looking there and stick to one thin g. RRRRRRRRRRRRAGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH AGGGGGGGGGGGH LOL I WANT TO MANIFEST MYSELF AS I TRULY AM TO THOSE AROUND ME. THEY WOULD BE SCARED OF WHAT THEY HAVE INFLUENCED AND WHAT HAS INFLUENCED THEM. Other people / Is southern china really even china. Cantonese. Hong Kong. Hunan is near Guangdong. Bruce lee is a good fighter, isn't he? Uyghurs. Uygbhurs aren't really chinese. They are turkic. They are a mix between caucasoids and mongoloids It's fun to see races and people develop. Natural Selection. Natural Selection is such a taboo term nowadays. If it weren't for those glitterboyS at columbine making all that soykafty ruckus and all those school shooter trap chris chan memes about fuarrrking GIRUGAMESH stop thinking about that. How do i put it into directed words? It's not directed. I feel like someone else is talking. ------------------ I tried my best to stream my consciousness. But it's hard to do that when you're artificially producing it.

>>131 technology can't be used to fuarrrking do that kind of soykaf. Man I don't know why they're using it that way. All the fuarrrking time you see these kids using technology like that, why should I be expected to agree with their usage and give them the agency to do whatever they want. Why is it that everyone's always expecting soykaf - I know I'm the same way but still - why can't I just become an observer who needs only act on a whim, who only gets reaction when it is wanted. I've tried so hard to reach this ideal by essentially raising my "stats". Strength, intelligence, skill, experience, aren't these the factors that ultimately influence success? Is it not possible to navigate a system by effortlessly breaking through each barrier standing in your path? Should one not try to build charisma in an attempt to appeal to others' base human nature if they want help from others? I find it ludicrous that people expect benefits from a system without first attempting to use human ability, external constraints, and all the stressors of a completely natural environment to their advantage. fuarrrk wanting change and forcing others out of the world they're used to; there's too much variety on this planet to think you have to stay where you are. Despite all my attempts to overcome all stress and fear, it's only backfired and made me unable to distinguish between the important and unimportant - so now my goal is to rebuild my morals in the shape of my ego ideal. But goals are only temporary, one must be flexible, adaptable, to not only survive but also strive. Somehow I've found literature such as "The Art of War" which I initially found to be redundant information (I considered most of it to be common sense) both refreshing and able to ground me in my ideals.

I don't know what to say about anything. I don't want to die buy why don't I I don't do anything I still fear nothingness it scares me not being able to undo permeance scares me I don't like this existence the only reason i'm not dead is because I swallow a handful of pills everyday to stop me from killing myself. The only reason I'm happy is because I play stupid ass mmos and pretend I don't exist. I’m rotting away wasting my time beating off and playing video games and I’m too afraid of people to do anything about it. People scare me more than anything they’re irrational they believe things that have no bearing to be true that there's no evidence behind. I don't trust them I loathe them, but I still can't help but be drawn towards them. I always go back to people and when I’m there I hate it I feel uncomfortable, I feel tired and worn down and say I'll never do it again then I go home and I'm so alone. I want to fade into nothingness I've failed twice already but I just feel so fuarrrking empty, go to college to get some piece of paper that will let me work a desk job until I die fuarrrk that man this whole thing is so fuarrrking ass backwards and all I can do about it is pretend I can't do anything about it and moan online fuarrrk me

first time posting couldn't figure out how bans welcome there's a jellyfish as i hop, knee buckling on itself the(sockets grating against each other, gnashing, ceramic on ceramic of two masters' children met in the dusk lot gripping the centennial swords and aching hearts set alight, pride's leering behind their shoulders but they won't can't turn around free flow doesn't seem true freedom; our generation's truth makers deterministic, i resign? dunno, suppose, well, ive detached well and proper, living in echoes; consequence ringing in my ears (but it's just my phone, nonetheless, mjy heart races at its beckon) soykaf id forgotten to set a timer i always forget despite what, what, my MEMORY? my memory ? leaking, likethe failing airtight seals on the crucial mission, asphyxiation's marathon, its loop, this was always going to happen, upon which iteration will you scream enough as if you could break it, as if you could even consider it at all

Nothing is coming to mind. Nothing at all. Only the echoes of this supreme nothing, weaving itself into the sinking feeling in my chest and the buzzing of the light which would not shut up and the feeling like my head has a bias in its weight distribution. My death really ought to come soon. I don't know when, as I still have things to do. I can't end now, even though I have daydreamed of driving a knife straight through my chest. I'm the only one in my team of two right now. I need to keep things running, ironically while I let myself fall apart. I sleep less, I eat less, I take prescription drugs to sleep less. "The lows are so extreme that the good feels fuarrrking cheap", I relate to that. I wish I did not exist, the same as I did last year. I do not want to exist. I am not a greatly pleasant person to be around when I'm like this; the I that I am now is a waste of my own existence. "I" don't want to exist. Who am I, anyway? An exaggerated personality on IRC, a depressed man ignoring his own limits (great conversation with my manager, that one). I want coke, for the euphoria to null the bad vibes. I want heroin, to lull me into a peaceful sleep. I want alcohol, to burn me. I want acid, to show me where I'm going wrong here. Xanax and weed will do for the day. See, there's that exaggerated "personality" again. Nobody likes it. You're a downer.

>>342 I had meant "sleep more" on the prescription drugs line.

I am a cake of winter soykaf, know my face its the great beyond am known for firing fate out of a 20 barred shotgun and i speak in rhyming riddles for all to see and ponder like mad claps in the other reach of heavens big moma I smell a big otter. Know me below I catch your size, tv is blow in and out big boy on cat bloods flow he know but he wouldn't tell. Keep my eyes on you like heavens attack on you i protest the letter and swear at cats moon with radio glow, I come with the big gun, you hate this ontological orthodoxy I stick in the blood you praise the shades of graveyard blues is no ones hall keep my ashes from burning in your chest till you spit my desire and black out for days on end in the delirium of heaven.

test.test.test..testing.are you there? can you hear me? am i making sense? why are you still here? don't you know it's fuarrrking dangerous out here.i'm just like another one of you.this already happened one.i'm not like one of those types that can go away with drugs.you're not getting rid of me by killing yourself.testing...are you still there? is it worth it? why is it worth it? have you considered it? really? no. no no no. what makes you fuarrrking believe any of this is true.like hey yeah sure,maybe i may be real but what makes you fuarrrking think i want it to be that way.who's even talking right now.you're just rambling.making yourself seem crazier than you really are.don't you know that everything you surround yourself with is poison? that food is killing you,you're getting plumber and deadlier.they're tracking you,following you,poisoning you,raping you...don't you wish you had the fuarrrking balls to kill yourself.you don't even do anything.you think you can escape life by escaping psychiatry.doctors will always find you.you already have a faulty heart,your veins are full of soykaf,your nerves behind your eyes are fuarrrked,making you stupid.you're born stupid.you need fuarrrking glasses to see.you need meds to feel.you need others to live.what for ?? test 1 2 3 are we still there? am i still there? this already been said before,but are my sentances ringing out? am i making sense? is anyone still out there? testing.checking.two,two,three.why am i still here?i cannot possibly stay any longer,i must go.i've been worried for too long. stay safe and leave me alone for gods sake,stupid fuarrrking woman

>>131 Here I sit, sipping chamimille. It is late. I type at my Thinkpad. But my thoughts are not profound. I feel like being a downer, but that's only to fit in. No, I wouldn't exactly say I'm exubberant either. Perhaps I will think of something meaningful, or perhaps not. I excel at bland free-association. It's like burning a flag to symbolize free speech. If I can't write soykaf, then the association isn't free. I pick the bugs from my teeth and carry on through chaos in an attempt to...I don't know what I'm attempting. I think I should sleep. But I don't quite feel it. Now, I feel like stopping.

I didn't edit anything and I don't want to correct my poor grammar and spelling The worst feeling I know is that weird empty head feeling. It's kind of like a scratch in the back of my head. I knnow fuarrrk all about brains and stuff but it makes me wonder about my neurons and grey cells and what not and if that's their last sigh in pointless agony before dying?? I'm worrying wayyy too much about being smart and all but I need to study more. I have all those soykafty textbooks and websites and god knows what ready on my USB which I bought just for storing these files. The books are just so hard I hate it, the theory seems lovely and then I get to the problems, jesus christ fuarrrk serge lang and fuarrrk spivak I can't stand them. this How to Prove it book is fine though and How to solve it is ok too even though I didn't get anything at the additional problems (its from some stanford problem course so I feel ok. I lack the foundation) My present state seems so bizarre viewed from the outside like all I'm thinking about is trying to improve myself and get better in mathematics and CS and also read a lot and write a lot and workout and jesus fuarrrking christ god soykaf the only thing I feel is self pity if I don't meet my goals again. I need to set my clock to 4:45 again but I can't go to sleep at 20:45! I don't fall asleep at that time and getting not enough sleep is the main cause for studying without making progress I read somewhere that it takes about 3 days to adjust to a sleep schedule so I need 3 cans of red bull.

what the fuarrrkk im supposed to write on this i have no fuarrrking idea my mind is a complete cluster fuarrrk tornado of thoughts it never stops and i seem like a goof to others because of it i just wanna be happy and smile and be able to love im a missing person forever alone never on same frequency with other people i wish this would end this feeling

A liquid visitor dripped through the cracks of the pavement. He seeped through the soil down into the rusty pipes. The pipe system was like a maze. He lost his sense of self and laid down his spirit to let the water carry him wherever it may. He thought he heard a clock ticking away the time in the distance, but it was just the symphony of the water drops heard from an undisclosed location a million miles away. As the water carried him through the maze, he did not long for anything. He neither wished to die nor live, he was simply born without a destination. Free flowing energy chained down at the bottom of the ocean raised in a cocoon of rotting lies. Blueprints for a prison. He did not think himself as alive. He did not think himself dead. He wished for nothing. He longed for everything he could never have while keeping his distance always approximately six feet deep knowing full well if he even tried to live he would only realize everything he longed for was just a fuarrrking mirage. A fraud of rock bottom proportions. He held his body in place with his hands and feet against the walls. He was in the dirt and the air, buried above the ground and hanging in limbo. If he moved his finger and touched the world, he would have to chop it off, so he touched himself stale instead. He ate the worms on Monday and he ate his father's skin on Sunday. The vessel that he inhabited was made of different parts. It inherited many owners throughout it's lifespan. Many lifetimes resided in it's immortal bones with their mouthless screams and their dull aches. Sometimes they would open up the trapdoor into the black room and dance to a noteless tune, to which was met with his chagrin. His silence had grown many limbs and faces, all reflected in the house of mirrors and smoke. Smile rabid dog. The subconscious tune he had once been humming in the womb that was buried in the tombs of fire would rise through his blood and exit through his mouth as ash each night. REMember. The sleepwalking salesman would take him on a ride inside his suitcase every night as a feeling gradually grew and wavered around the inside of his skull like the sound of footsteps coming from an astronaut on a distant planet, but he couldn't form words to describe their texture, so he masturbated and went to sleep. A baby was born at the same time somewhere in Colorado. The sun would rise and fall even after he was gone even though he wished time would stop after he left.

Another one. The church was empty, desolate and barren, abandoned. Destroyed and encased in rubble. An old man sat at the very back of the pews and stared at the age old television 100 miles away on the podium. The light up remote control flickered through the shipwrecked channels of the crustacean news and through the watery static and lingering ghosts a channel snapped into tune, sending century old dust particles gliding away into the rays of light seeping in from the stained glass which illuminated the church. On the screen, a long, slender, boney man named Harry that sold glass antiques and crystallized or reflective objects on the smothering streets of flea markets in India made himself scarce in the background as a commercial played for feminine hygiene products as a woman with hundreds of cysts all over her gigantic arms flopped around like a fish on the ground raising her arms towards the sun screaming for god to bite off her labia. Suddenly an alien on stilts arrived on the scene with a water gun and shot her directly in the forehead, screaming out jibber jabber in some foreign language. An old mexican man with an oily moustache looked on from a window across the street, rubbing his hands together and snickering as blood flowed through his taco-shaped penis. He took off all his clothes, donning only a sombrero and rode a donkey through town with a sign strapped to his chest reading, "It's okay now. You did well all of those years. You can let go now." The water bounced off her skull and the woman died. The midget couldn't handle the circumstances and killed himself by driving 2 of his fingers directly into his heart, shouting "I'm the one who left the cum tissues in sarah's washing machine and stole jimmy's bike!" before exploding into a million of pieces. The woman awoke from death, screamed out her own name and went back to bed on the street. Everyone chanted "goodnight" in unision and clapped once, bowing their heads to the sound of the gong. As this was happening the camera panned further into the scene, placing emphasis on our old pal Harry who could be seen in the back behind the ice cream truck moving his hand back and forth across his penis as his eyes darted back and forth between balloon animals and ice cream. The kids sung a song to him as he masturbated called "Harry Did A Funny" and he cried as he came. The kids clapped and Harry did a silly little dance while he wept. A laugh track played, a record scratched and Will Smith came jumping into frame decked out in his French Prince of Belair getup. "You're all a bunch of phoneys", he says, before he attempts a backflip, "I want to get to know you a whole lot better, Tiffany!" His neck snaps against the ground and he dies on the spot with his ass in the air. The irish cameramen dressed in kilts come running into the shot screaming for lamps of amber before diving through the air, assuming their dolphin forms and commencing a group breakdance without limbs. It fails miserably, and the audience is left wondering why they even bothered to change into dolphins. They reluctantly change back into irishmen, donning tapdancing shoes as they tap all around the room with two beers in each hand. Tiffany comes hovering down from the sky as the room falls pitch black and the walls flow with magma. She sits cross legged inches above the ground with her fingers in Buddha pose. She says nothing. She opens her mouth and feces shoot out like a machine gun, splattering the irishmen as they dance and shout out gutturual singsong and slap each other with raw fish. This continues on until the room is filled with feces and all that can be heard is beer farts floating to the surface through the soykaf. The camera pans out and at the top of the moon a man cast in shadows can be seen shoving the milky way galaxy in it's entirety up his ass. He screams for jupiter and ejaculates a black hole, swallowing the atmosphere. The liquid man woke up choking for air and before he could catch his breath the pipes slammed him through a hole. He shoots out like a processed dingleberry pellet through a camel's tight constipated virgin ass straight into the depths of the abyss. The cyrogenic sleepwalkers that slept inside of his skull and flowed out of his ears like honey during sleep paralysis would swim around the walls of his house and search for the source of his wealth, but all they could find were pictures of smiling old men eating fruit salad with nails and cockroaches in it. At the bottom of the abyss, thousands of cockroaches were taking pictures of the alien with his stilts up his ass and posting them on the spider's web. The liquid man had no idea what the fuarrrk he was doing here, and realized that he had simply traveled further away from the center of the maze. He stood up, walked over to the corner and decided to piss. It seemed appropriate not to use the toilet and to water his bug garden instead.

I never thought I'd see a resonance cascade, let alone create one... Gordon, you're alive, thank god for that hazard suit... My life feels very complicated, I'm not sure why. I seem to have a very decent set up right now. You are now listening to Max Headroom radio, please wait for the boards to light up I should be going to sleep, but then again, I don't like my dreams. I feel like if I took LSD I'd make more sense to myself, but then again, do we ever get the chance to make sense of ourselves or even find meaning to our creation? The world is fuarrrked, I'm fuarrrked, you're fuarrrked, EVERYONE'S fuarrrkED! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH Flipping channels, flipping channels, oooh, porn! My head hurts, should I take a Tylenol? Hmmm, maybe not... fuarrrking kill those people, they don't serve any purpose ............................................................................... Listen to yourself, you're out of your mind, do you honestly believe you were ever sane. Because you're not, you were never sane because you have us Elizabeth, keep your mind in order, you can't let these thoughts dictate your being Dreams are just uncontrolled acid trips, not to mention boring ones too... Sex is what I desire because I need the feeling of being connected to someone who truly wants to be with me, but then again, I don't want to mindlessly fuarrrk anything that walks San Francisco in the middle 60's was an amazing time to be a part of- HUNTER S THOMPSON COME BACK BABY, POLITICS IS RAW FOR A fuarrrkING OF THE SENSES Give me reason not to blow my brains out, just give me any reason at all and I'll take it motherfucker!!! WOO! THIS IS WAR BABY!!!! Elizabeth, consider the possibilities of how your life could turn out if you got a therapist.... fuarrrk OFF! I don't need one, I'm totally fine on my own. We all need to be on our own, we can't depend on people. Stop lying to yourself and others, your whole life is a lie and you know it. You want attention, you gotta earn it. No cheap lies, just expensive truths. Kill yourself darling, because then people will know who you are... If I died at the terminal, would that be poetic? If I had a soul, would it transfer to the computer like in Ghost in the Machine? That movie was fuarrrking cool... I'M A MELTING POT OF FRIENDSHIP! I'M A NICE GUUUUY!!! GODDAMN YOU PIECES OF CRAP!!!! Elizabeth, come back to sanity for once... Let's all love lain Lain, please, am I a lost cause? I hate my family, all they do is want me to go to college for ANY reason whatsoever, even though college is something you should do when you KNOW what you wanna learn. Can't I just be a normal citizen? Can't I just blend into the world? I wanna be an action hero, like Hardcore Henry. That would be fuarrrking amazing... WOO! THIS IS WAR BABY!!!! My life feels so out of control right now, even my thoughts are random and out of wack! You're not crazy Liz, you just have a lot on your mind. That's like saying the twin towers fell because they had a lot of weight bearing on them... Nine eleven was the best thing to happen to our country America, fuarrrk YOU! Bunch of racist prejudice morons wanting to bitch about their problems. Oh? Lost your job to an immigrant, TRY SOMETHING ELSE THEN YOU fuarrrkING WORTHLESS FAILED ABORTION!!!!! (Holy soykaf, what is going on in my brain right now?)

A vagina from one end of space time to the other, spitting blood out onto our heads like rain. This was the norm for the land of Flow. Red people. Red rivers. Red everything. They lived and breathed moist vaginal mucus fluids. The penises all across the land shriveled up and fell off. The vagina's receded into themselves and disappeared into the void. There was only one vagina left and it made up all of the atmosphere, and human beings had ceased to mate. All that was left was the last line of humanity. The final frontier of cock. The final dick left in space. They called him Leroy. Leroy was a chimpanzee that had been born into a Russian lab for scientific experimentation. They wished to plant an atomic bomb inside of a chimpanzee's penis. Leroy was their vessel of destruction. The Germans were wiped out during the cock shriveling rebellion of 2072, but Leroy remained as the sole survivor, cock still fully intact as a result of the unique qualities it contained. The all consuming omnipotent vagina in the sky that rained down it's period blood upon us day after day sensed the danger looming in Leroy's cock from millions of miles away in the labiasphere and decided not to risk killing him, thereby setting off a spermuclear explosion. Now she must track him down at all costs, defuse his cock and subjugate him for all of eternity. :INTERLUDE: (SOMEWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE) "Get the period blood umbrellas Miriam, Aunt Christ is raining her crimson gifts down upon us once again!" Leroy stood in the center of the crop circle, his cock in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. All of the chimpanzees had been wiped out, and the last remaining men were subjugated by the clitoris cult and put to work as slaves in the final frontier of humanity, Menopause Hall. Meanwhile, the all seeing vagina, the BLEEDING EYE, had traversed the unknown depths of the ocean, endless plains of flesh and time-traveled through infinite dimensions in search of Leroy's bombcock. Leroy, unaware of this, simply spent all of his time left getting drunk and watching Trailer Park Boys in his goon cave on Netflix. The Bleeding Eye was at her wits end, on the verge of losing her sanity, drinking wine and writing slam poetry in her basement. LEROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU ESCAPE MY GRASPPPPPPPPP!!!!! I MUST I MUST I MUST I MUST I MUSTTTTTTTTTTT HAVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!! YOUR FILTHYYYYYY COCKKKKKK! I MUST CHAIN YOU DOWN TO THE FOUNDATION OF MY BASEMENT AND PULL YOU APART LIMB BY LIMB LEROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! MOTHER CANNOT CONTAIN HERSELF, COME TO ME COME TO ME COME TO ME, COME OUT AND PLAY WITH LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BOY, COME PLAY WITH MOMMY'S BLEEDING EYE! MOMMY NEEDS HER BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! Leroy unaware that this goddess even existed or that there were any human beings left alive had come out to the crop circle tonight to attempt to initiate contact with aliens out of desperation for social contact, but instead came across a scarecrow with a rather voluptuous ass. Leroy had never ejaculated before, but he instinctively began to fondle the scarecrow and call it a good dog before plunging his cocker spaniel deep down into the leathery makeshift hole he had formed in it's anus region with a butcher's knife. As soon as his tip broke through the interior fuzz and dripped it's first drop, the nuclear bomb exploded, taking every single last living human being in the universe with it. Leroy died on impact, his last thought being, "God damn, this scarecrow has a thick ass." That's the end of this thought trail.

fuarrrk the police. Yeah.... Oh the post said 10 minutes? I, uh, What day is it? Wait, fuarrrk, I thought some stereotypical random things and didn't say them because they were kinda cringeworthy. But wait a minute. I don't have to say whatever I think. I'm bound by anything. I shouldn't care what internet strangers think, though. But these aren't just any internet strangers, they're Lain(I will insist on referring to anyone on here as Lain and if you disagree you must be the Lain police and fuarrrk you as per my initial sentence). But these are my peers. I should care about what at least most of them think of me. Tuesday. And besides, responding to this post is sort of like an implicit agreement between OP and myself, and also an agreement between me and myself. If I don't do what it says... isn't there some sort of benefit to doing this? To following through? To do something right? Who is OP to determine what's the right way to do this? Why 10 minutes. Wait a minute, it's not about right or wrong. I'm not beyond write or wrong, but the right or wrong of others ought be beyond my concern unless they do right or wrong by me. Right? Or wrong? Ah, Epica has a good new song. Wait, that's not Epica. The tab says Gloryhammer. Close enough I guess. 2 hours left of work. Then I can get a drink. A drink and some sleep. And maybe a game. But probably sleep. Summer's almost over. I never accomplish everything I dream of using this time for. I turned 20 a few days ago. How many more summers can I spend as fruitlessly as this? Or is it just me that thinks they're fruitless, blind to the gains I've made? No, that's just wishful thinking. But is wishful thinking inherently wrong or incorrect simply because it's wishful? fuarrrk you, me. I'm not bipolar I swear. This is kinda fun. Now to somehow ensure no one I know in real life reads this. Don't you want to send it to her? I might've, until you made her an explicit part of this. She wouldn't be a big fan of me mentioning her to strangers on the internet. That's fair. If it's worth anything, I'm sorry - didn't mean to. It's free flow and all that. How much time is left? 2 minutes? That's alright. Hey Lain. Lain bothering to read this. I hope you're doing well. I know sometimes we get hurt, and we become cynical, or broken. I kinda lied there, we're all already broken, but that's not the point. The point is I wish you the best. And wherever you are I believe you'll do okay. Things will work out. Or we'll die. But if that happens, then things will work out either way I guess. Mark Twain said something like that once. 25 seconds left. I hope I didn't depress you Lain. I really like you. Smile, okay? Stand up straight, and smile. ---END Layer---

>>164 Holy soykaf these are awesome

>>227 I was you. You might be me. I met her. Or did she meet me? I'm going to perform some magic. I'm going to give you one of my feelings. It's from this morning, no need to refuse. Just read the following: ------------------- This is the sort of feeling that can only be felt while looking out a window just as the sun begins to rise. When the sky is barely light, and the black silhouettes of buildings and trees contrast with the dim canvas of the sky. It's a feeling often reserved for the young, who've yet to be hurt enough to become cynical, and still have dreams enough to dare dream about living them. And even though much of what they desire is far away, they're convinced that if they just reach out, they might be able to grab it. It's the sort of feeling that might be helplessly called hope by those like myself who lack the ability to do better. ------------------- Try. Try until you break, and then realize we were always broken and try some more because you've realized you always had it in you to do so. Try until you grow weak from the trying, and when you're weak try until grow strong. I love you, Lain.

>>398 >>227 This is the same Lain before. I don't want to spam the thread or anything but I wrote you a poem based on my last post. I don't want to come off as creepy or anything I just really relate to your post. I once met someone who I used to be. Maybe I was him, and hopefully he’ll be me. His sorrow was my sorrow and I was sorry for it. And as a token effort at empathy I left him a few words, as empty as words can be. This is what I told me: Try until you break. Then realize you were always broken and try some more because you know you always could. Try until you grow weak from all the trying, and when you become weak, try because trying has become all you know. But always remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and from your nothing, you will be shamed. That last line is a warning: you've seen FMA, right? Equivalent exchange? To gain something, something else of equal value must be given. So you have to take some risks, and put in the work. Otherwise...

>Everybody in this thread

okay, here we go so yeah.... this is hapening oops made a spelling error, i guess I'll have to live with that for now, i amke a lot of those, now it seems like too much at times. god I hate myself so much. tumbling down tumbling down tumbling dooown. i have soykaf taste friends, id ont know what to post anymore. i never started a timer, but oh well I just keep going until I get bored (which is never too long). so yeah. basically I'm stupid and a hate myself immensely which not probably the proper use of that word but i do ot care much anyways. this is interesting and all but it seems like not much is being said. that is for you to decide I guess. I am really tired of all this time that I am wasting. but who cares I don't. life is like a tumor. that makes no sense but like a pretentious author I'll leave you to decide that it means. and this is why I am alone. I'm going to stop now. because bored. see that was not so bad

better do your thing or your thing will do you im a grown ass man and i've been acting a fool I better do my thang or my thing will do you drunk in public and ugly rugby well hung young chung lee ugly rugbee big thug run young g thumpy cunty uggy muggy krunky junkie thug plug big rug but im a grown ass man and i'm up to no good and i've been acting a fool slinkin on hardwood but i'm a grown ass man and i'm acting the fool and i'm a grown ass man and i've been acting the fool i'm a grown ass man and i've been acting the fool and i'm a grown ass man and i've been drippin with drool and i'm a grown ass man that's been up to no good

Somnium vitae calibrium voltuus Enseptimus Saubraugatur vici ostro tae neume Sounds surround make hard to think Onstropogephiliae Quaarpa gallipodes entrench the surviving scriptures through the forest of the tangled leaves in their bright morning dew the razor blade falls in an avalanche down mountains of woe pactin a single star sounds the symphonious cacophany through thousands of thrifty thunderheads KABOOM I'm done

>>405 its kind of ego-boosting. just doodling stuff and hoping others will see beauty in it. this is the prose version of freeform jazz. but i wouldnt say everybody here writes their words thinking they are good at it. where's yours? here's mine. not 10 minutes. the fact I can get it right away with the new version is better to be the first half of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the year of predictive text stopped working it was fun at first but now i gotta write something for real, feel like nobodys gonna ever ever feel me for real surreal lies eyes gazing into the void not noides bot a star gazing ducks pelicans duc tu duc a pagoda a temple a final lie on top of charts. imagine dragons and bugs and pokemons in a mind how small a thought would it take to fill a whole life. ha ha ha steve reich fill me ok ok death grips mc future impact no pact feel last kill last disconnected at last. done done would love to write in my native language this is a tough exercise but u love every second of it. would like to have it go on forever and ever and through the ages, space time black holes hawking radiation how crazy is that, matter escaping from the event horizon, or created an infinitesimal distance just outside of it how complicated to explain the universe the everything the i am not there, i am not here im a little angel, trying my best to hear to listen to pick up a vietnamese cute girl with glasses make her happy with simple things and let her make me feel complete like she was everything the whole universe all i ever needed. that should do

now why am I doing this? what's the point? I don't want to seem pretentious or vain, I just like to do things, That's who I am. Is there anything more noble than that? God I hate myself, hate this, hate doing things, can't think of anything, can't. i have nothing to say because I am nothing. nothing to do in this mess, no one to be. I want to learn a new language, did you know? I'll learn an obscure one with letters that no one will recognize, that'll teach them, I'll be so fuarrrking smart right? I don't have the energy for that. I don't have energy for anything. I just read useless things day after day hoping to find something worthwhile and fulfilling when in reality I'm decaying on my seat, far too deluded to think for myself and actually do any of the things I want to do. Why don't I just throw it all away, live in solitude forevermore, no longer bound by mortal bothers? I want to be free but I already am, why does it have to be so simple yet I'm unable to understand it or fix anything, even the smallest thing. I'm hungry now. Still some time to go. I didn't even realize I was hungry before just now even though I haven't eaten much at all today. I'm sweating a little. I focus on outer sensations, can't imagine anything at all. I think the words that come to my mind from nowhere in particular, I no longer visualize or take the time to actually think. thinking has become harder last couple of years. My hands hurt. i don't usually post, or write anything else either, I'm not used to it. I can't even type properly, what am I, why am I here? It's raining outside and I want to go outside, but i don't want to be seen, not soaked wet, not any other way either.

I've been letting youtube play videos automatically and it's resulted in me listening to Earth, Wind and Fire for the past half hour, despite having no interest in their music and, frankly, disliking it. I'm always using a VPN and although I do nothing illicit, I find myself paranoid that I could potentially be tracked by which Youtube videos are played, so I generally avoid listening to music that I usually listen to over Youtube. I could circumvent this by simply downloading music or using physical media to play it, but for some reason I'm too lazy to do so. It's probably not a big deal. My musical interests are not that identifying, especially since during each session, I tend to listen to one genre instead of all of the genres I like. It would be hard to identify someone based just on "They apparently like funk music." I don't suppose that I'm actually worried about being identified, either. I'm quite fond of my privacy, but none of my internet usage is anything I'm ashamed of or that would cause me legal trouble. I'm mostly just interested in the idea of circumventing tracking and, likewise, of considering new ways to track others. This probably stems from doxing people for fun back when I was 14 (around a decade ago... where has the time gone?). I actually regret a lot of what I did back in my trolling days, especially how quickly I was to dox people just because I could. Still, getting involved in that scene at a young age equipped me with some valuable knowledge about protecting myself online, though that knowledge was often used to harm others.

I feel the most alive every during the morning and I wish that I can fel the way tha I walwys feel whe nI stay awake super super late and I keep getting the spelling of these words wrong and I feel bad because I want to write something super deep but I'm limited by my tiredness and intelligence and horniness and lazineess and ajust everything with me tbh. But that's ok since I know therie are more people out their in worse situations than I. I just can't wait I can't wait anymore for the future I want to see the ahrd work of so many so many comrades died to succeed as they are lost to the wind and I can't imagine failing so many people which is very anti-materialist and stupid but I'm young and tired and I can't help but feel this way since I have been instilled a inferi a somekind of complex or at least a level of insecurity by my demanding upbringing and the difficult time this country is going through. I just want security I WANT SECURITY and I want it for every man and woman on this earth by the will of whoever and whenever. I wish that I could strip down the walls and barriers between men which we all seem to be able to pass when we masturbate and get high but not so much in real life. Which scratch that maturbation is related to real life as well. I am not being choherant enough imo, but that's ok. I want to abolish commodity production and have my gf return to me but it is too late she is gone and I feel good having gotten rid of her just kidding she's not even real she's here right next to me but our relationship is so bad that I think that I am pathological liar in cases like these .We're anonymous on the internet so I make up stories and situations that I've been in because I want to hide something and to shield myself from the already present and clearly visible distress about the state of the world. I hope everyone on Lainchan is doing ok because I feel like everyone here is a lonelly bastard on the inside. It is so hard so hard so hard so hard so hard so hard so hard so hard and I want it to stop and lmao people who read are probably weireded out but It's just tempoarity while I get all poetic and my frantic typing stops to hte sound of teh timer from google. I am very horny right now and I want to fuarrrk my

fugue. a lull on the moon. the city lights reach the forest across the ocean. i am whatever exists in this moment. i am not who i was previous to this. i will who i will be after this moment. thump. the bass. bass. miner tragedy. they say it took them days to reach the surface. beaconsfield is a lonely place to be the only dead man. reverb means space. that neon snake is knocking at my door again. his eyes are green today. he is not asking to see me.

I have to work two jobs now even though the second one is 4 weeks away. I want to talk to girls but dont know how to. Im planning on seeing an escort tomorrow. I hate that I have to give my dad 100 dollars out of my pay check. My uncle is going to die. I dont know how my aunt is doing. I dont know how my mothers side of the family is doing. I dont know how to pay back the money for college im thinking of getting a student loan. Or I can just figure something out with financial aid. I dont know what i am going to do for the time being. I want to go to japan. I want to play shenmue

if this then that then whatever comes or goes as depending upon other reactive walks of life in other dimensions yet that is not all for the future scenes but have international content reproducing net neutrality without any condemnation but we have nothing to gain without loss of life yet it is not that much of a miracle to gain life of loss once lost without the pain, in terms of standing up against the working sheet are without duality once we have nothing longer to hold back as we plow forward in amidst of knowledge mankind has not forgotten it just held it in different ways so that there were cultures and appointed keepers of rich statutes and guardians of ancient wishes, wisdom, gold and sapphires, water and light, mankind and god, holy and all, we see there is more, for all, and more, to endure, grasping tight literature without making nothing more than google could present to us all, for the dumb intelligence modelled future we belong to... we wished?

I thought I had posted here before. That night, when I went to... by myself... I didn't? Even among the unwanted, unneeded, unseen, My heart is locked. Protected, but it can feel restrained. I guess that is okay, because I have nothing more to think about.

ive had a song ive been trying to write for years and no matter how hard i try i cant get it out somewhere it gets stuck but its been playing in my head for years but every time i try to write it or compose it something just breaks the vibrations are wrong i feel like it's a shadow following me around sometimes ive been stuck in a loop for 5 years everyday feels the same and when i try to change it everything comes back around like ouroboros im tired of being a leech it hurts me taking from others even if they're happy to give ive tried changing it just doesnt give ill always be the quiet weirdo no one can take seriously and as time goes on i care less and less im scared i wont be able to make anything of myself you need people but people dont need you fuarrrking pathetic i fuarrrked myself and opened doors i shouldnt have and didnt open the doors i shouldve and time doesnt heal a damn thing

i think honey and milk is a pile of trash and im glad its a common opinion but my english teacher in grade 11 had a quote from rupi kaur on the wall and dude idk man it was AUTISTIC. i wanna type out my real problems but i really cant, even if its to a bunch of anons it just feels weird no matter what. only time i open up is when im juiced as fuuck and thank god that doesnt happen a lot. i hope everyone is having a beautiful/nice/gr8 day and i hope you eat your favorite food soon. i really have nothing else to type so im just gonna type absolute garbage for however long the times gonna go on for. hey man, whats the deal w airplane food amirite?aaa aa i hate this its just so run on like what the fuarrrk is this i hate stuff like this so much it just reminds me of writing exercises but yeah its nice even if it feels like soykaf, forcing all these thoughts out even tho its just rambling bullsoykaf not even actual thoughts. wewewweew i just want everyone to be happy and capable of loving themselves. do you think a therapist is reading any of these and dissecting them? if i was a therapist i would totally do that. psychoanalyze strangers on the internet ah yes it would become a pasttime im certain. wow fuc k i hate this theres still time lol aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i wanna start meditating again but also i just wanna indulge myself in so many hobbies to amuse myself to death. i kinda miss kush but not because i was just a zombie and i never indulged myself. wowowowowowowowowowowwow this is actually lame i have 2 minutes left oh my fuarrrking god?????? feels like ive typed a whole page from a book on fuarrrking nothing, pointless rambles. 1:30 seconds wow i really dont wanna finish this but i kinda have to, not really but its nice to see things through to the end, y'know? 45 secs wow im so hype for this to end tbh wowowowow o i hope u have an amazing day if u read this to the end like wyd lmaoooo. dont forget to drink water and floss.

This website is nice. I like websites. This is a website. I am typing. I am still typing. This is harder than I thought. It is hard to think of things when you are told to think of things. I tried to plan ahead in my mind. I was about to talk about the game. The game. you lost. I am going to start to stop capitalizing at the beguining of evrey sentence and stop careing about tyois and im not going back to ficx things anymorre. this will look like a five uear old tuoing. whateber. lol rotfl. wmfw no gf. cool cool next on with the next pne hahahaha. I have a shirt. I like my shirt. I got it at a smash torney. I lost all my matches but I am getting better. I will begin to stop typing non-sense. There is this girl. I want girl. girl nice. woman nice. woman me nice. yes yes yes. ok ok ok. Uh-hu uh-hu uh-hu. one two three four how many niggers are in my store. five six seven eight niggers I appreciate. 9 10 11 12 saved by the bell. Wow im bored, I'm so sleepy. I should have slept earlier last night but I had a report due. When I walked in to class he changed the date. gay. whatever. it's cool. we gucci. me and you. we as a collective conscience. I had to spell check that word because I can't spell apparently. I also can't spell "apparently" apparently. It's cool. we're fine. It's ok. Sure, sure. deep breaths. don't fall asleep. we are awake. real world and you. its real and we're real. last thought. ok cool.

>>525 You sound like an empty person devoid of thought, filled with buzzwords, catchprases and ideas other people put in your head for you to repeat at others. Like an NPC in a video game asked to say something original, you really struggled. I applaud your effort tho.

>>528 Yeah, it's hard to put my thoughts into words because I think visually. I guess I'm just like that.

>>567 Were you simply told you think visually? Do you really? Feel free to answer this question with an image

i need to be doing other things but my hw is not interesting so i surf the internet and now im here again. i tried to watch a movie but i fell asleep and woke up with a headache. i don't think it was the movie that was boring rather i think it is my diet fuarrrking me up. i've been eating mostly bread and pasta lately and barely any vegetables. if i keep this up i will get worse and worse but i really do not like to cook so it could take a while to get healthy again. anyway so bought some oranges and ate them and the headache and fatigue has partially gone away but the sore throat is still there although less than before. i want to buy more fruit but its so expensive even at safeway. anyway im pausing now so i should probably think of something else to say not that any of this matters much like my life in general. except for my mother. that is i matter to my mother. and my cat that i left with her but i don't know if she would remember me now. cats have long memories i think? anyway, so i watched this french cartoon called gandahar in which a civilization of peace loving aliens who are attacked by mysterious robots who turn them to stone. theres no point in summarizing the plot you can look it up yourself. it was kind of atheistic film despite having really new agey visuals. "gods rarely answer" says one gandarian. "probably cause they don't exist" says another. thats fine and all i guess. the Jehovah's Witnesses visited me earlier and i heard them out. they talked about angel's and the personal name of god. i said i hadn't ever really believed in angels when they asked because i'd never seen or felt there presence but then i realized that wasn't true. i theoretically believed in them when i was an evangelical for two years but i had already answered and i didn't want to go back and correct myself. i told them i was an atheist at first but then at times i sort of argued from a christian perspective. i liked that they visited me though. i dont talk to other people about history and religion really because almost everyone i know thinks its boring and it is. i've spent too much time reading history books to be an interesting person. a Chinese person once told me that not even Chinese people cared about the Chinese history I was reading at that time.

I hate being alive. All i feel is pain. but recently i have gotten into a relationship. it's tough, because i dont feel love like most others. when i lovefeel i feel pain, because i cant get what i want. when i am out with my friends we do drugs and fuarrrk ourselves up. pmaybe its a way of coping with our meaningless existence. hwat i want to todo is to make the world a better place. i hate my mom. i hate her. she's ignorant, unintelligent, and doesnt what any good for me. i wanna kill her, but i dont. the consequences are too great. i would kill a person, if i was angry enough. but everytime i think about the consequences. i love lamb. they are cute. i love my dog. i love her. 1245 chaos stars atoms void dark. mug glass table mouse trashbin. bowllight screen.salad i work as a kitchenhelper. i am seeking welfare just for the time between jobs. i dont want welfare. its shameful. i hate it. i am nearning a job i want. software development. i love programming. i love thinking. if i couldnt think actively and objectively i would not want to live. doctors advice: the quickest way out of a dpression is to just stop breathing. breathing fire. glow red diablo. time. 22:00. dark name. text font. chrome being watched allseeing eye. google. apple. microsoft. facebook. us government. silent propaganda masters award goes to: Denmark. evil corporate overlords who control governsmnets and thus the people. the people are stupid, but i have too high hopes for them. i want others to have it well. to feel well. plus. button. blue. weindows. linux. microsoft. torvalds. evil conspiracy. time. window dark. i want drugs. i wanna get high, and not feel myself. i want to smoke some weed. been a long time since ive done that. irc chat. yellow light from light bulbs. i want to go out in the night with my friends. its been many weeks since ive last done that. i love doing that. makes me feel free. feel responsible. like i actually have a choice in my life. video. rolling around in grass. freedom flowers. high. ecstasy. paper.screen. book. coding. theory. computer science. automata stheory. systems. streams are indefinite automatons. redux are a spcefic automaton. cant remember which. its nice to get 'aha' exp

Ten minutes one hand lying in bed past midnight I spend money stupidly because I'm insecure about myself. I'm a computer scientist and I make more than I know what to do with. I feel bad because I come from a poor family, and I am really starting to feel the income gap. But I justify it to myself that I was the one to get myself here, isn't that soykaf? I was a product of a lot of luck and a loving family. Now I live a life separate from them, I don't give my mom money yet even though she is struggling. I'm still young, it's okay. She's doing okay enough for now. You will porovide for her when she cannot provide for herself. I'm not telling you all the details, but I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I'm okay actually, the moment has passed? Geeezz. I can tell you anything you haven't already thought, anything I haven't already thought. Or, I can actually. When writing a .net core application, make you database setup an actual database project it will save you time. LEARN SSIS, OR A SIMILAR THING, IT TEACHES YOU A LOT ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE LARGE AMOUNTS OF DATA. THAT OR GET REALLY GOOD AT SQL STORED PROCS. This is a critical first step, buy a book. There's more but I don't have time. I should sleep. I wish I could change the way I talk, I hate it.

The phone rings, not a call- a cycling electric chain of karma stretching back to some past self. A not-so-kind reminder. Arise, awash in the overwhelming torrent of being, again. The swell rises to fill the room, oceans upon oceans of distance intervene betwixt bed and breakfast. Quaint notion, breakfast. Lurch upright, grit choking bleary sights of dulled, dull surrounds. White rabbit's notions run screaming past the quarter-speed shutter of the inner eye. Freezing cold, the floating corpses of nights past wading past. Hunting haunting melody, dreamscape's song, hunting. Morphine calm lurks convincingly behind. Beckons. So simple to sink- perfect clarity on that point. Kick off from nightmare's edge beginning. Drift again. A thousand automatic collapses driving down and down again, towards the limit point. That line so faint, marking just this side of nowhere at all. Unending automatic exhalation. Clang bolt upright again accompanied by MIDI-tone trumpets. 15 minutes pass in a blink here, why not 15 lifetimes? Fast-forward fadeout to the grand finale. Critics thought it was derivative and blase anyway. Clang echoes back again. Thudding jolts of grimy vitae on the move through tired veins. Commuters on the move. Day's work: keep moving. Next stop: Backwater Junction. At that speed they'll be in Brain by lunchtime. Can't argue with the benefits plan, though. Nobody ever gave the option. Atrophied fingers claw desperately for a hold. Dragged upright. White rabbit again, wearing a hat. Screeching mad, foamy fear-froth issues forth beneath distressed eyes. Thin line. Windows to the soul indeed. Eyes shine back. Rabbit's gone now, though. Just familiar fauna now. Cheshire trick. Zigzag menthol flash dances across the stage to universal acclaim. So easy a caveman could do it, but they didn't, did they? Extinction by way of inssuficient menthylation. Encore! Encore! Outre. Morphine melody again. Muted. Seductively vanishing, black-glove tease. Traffic's in full swing now. Ain't nobody stopping us, now. Shame, really. Finger the power-stud, invoke electron hum. Brief free-fall punctuated by lukecold leather embrace. Torque on the mixer dial. Black-gloved hands reappear. Cheshire trick. Beckon. Gentle fan-breeze whirr complements, accentuates. Voluptuous curves of spacetime rise on eather side, heaving gently. Swaying backward in the whoosh. Descend to twilight. Punctuation: near-automatic clatter. Sound can't travel in a vacuum. Devil-chimes beat back the dark, steps at a time. Pulse. Filaments of void trailing soft like gossamer from grasping hands. Fraying, tearing, misting. Cheshire trick. Nails dig nonetheless. Near-automatic clatter stokes the fire. Clenched bloody palms. Full bore now, though- lights turning green. Moonbeam's fancy mere memory, now. Digital hooks dug deep, now pulling taut. Dragged upwards and out, dripping down into the pool. No ripples on velvet.

I've got a lot to get done today. I wonder if i'll actually do it. I'm a pretty lazy cunt. I've got high ambitions but I don't have good work ethic. Whenever I say I'll work on it, I just smoke weed and jack off instead. I've been doing alright this semester, but I know at this rate I'll be fuarrrked by the end of it. Now that I've got this AR Project and MUN to deliver on, I don't actually have a lot of free time. Not that you'd know that looking at how much I fuarrrk around. But I can't just bitch about how much of a soykafty person I am and not do anything about it. That's just dumb. I know my faults. I have some idea of how to fix those faults. All that's left is the elbow grease. But I fuarrrking hate effort. I hate trying. I'm such a slow paced motherfucker. Slow eater, slow reader, slow everything. I've got soykaf to do, so I gotta do it. Nothing more to it. I know I wanna watch Akira tonight with my friend. And I know I've got to meet up with my project mates tomorrow.

I'm proud of myself for studying prob stats today in a relatively timely manner. Even though I should have done it earlier, at least i'm not fuarrrking myself over even more for tomorrow morning. Getting four things crossed off a list feels good. I want to be proud of myself. I desperatly seek approval, but the approval i need most is self love. I will love myself if i do good work, but with weed i will feel good for very little effort. that's why weed is so generous and dangerous. this soykaf is at the core of my being now what the fuarrrk. i've been a very functional stoner today, but i need to keep the hot streek going otherwise i'll fuarrrking hate myself and not do anything about it.

I hate having to go to college. I hate that i need a job. I hate the fact that im so fuarrrking lucky. I mean, i have so much bullsoykaf tier luck its fuarrrking ridiculus. I dont deserve all of these good things that happen to me. I dont deserve this job or these scholarships, i dont deserve to be alive and have all of this spending money. I try and try to give it all away, but it all just ends up coming back to me. I hate this. I want to end my life. There hasnt been a single day that i havwnt tbought of killing myaself. The only thing i live for nowadays is to jerk off and watch anime, with a side of sleeping pills up my nose. I the fact im a dirty drug addict. I hate the fact that i need uppers, downers, and everything in between to keep all of my bad thoughts out. I hate that i constantly crave ampphetamines, oxys, ambien, and a bunch of other random chemicals to supress my thoughts. I hate my mind, my thoughts loop over and over, like an echo chamber. Im so tired of feeling so isolated in my own head. I hate the fact that i cant say ehat i thibk or i cant be myself. I hate rhe fact that i hate myself. I hate i hate i hate. I hate everything i hate myself. I hate everyone. I just want to lash out but im atuck banging agajnst my own mask. I hate all of this. I just hate everythibg and everyone. And i hate that i hate.

Recreating various outside crisis situations or not results in invisibility and speed,altering you and reality,personally affecting reality,your mind returning to the past(time travel).People who are acidic,nervous,soykafty and others are being assalted,bleeding and puking acid.They're hungrily pulling and grabbing peoples sleeping genitals,thirstily turning peoples places into a hotel/outhouse and anally attacking colon cleansed people .Surrounded by the future,the past and nightlights,barking dogs,abductions,disappearances,suicides,murders,suffocations,draining energy.Being pulled towards the future or the past along with your iron coins and other materials your in contact with and surrounded by,people are disappearing,people are being replaced with clones,robots,etc,people travelling back in time are being attacked,getting into accidents or sending messages.People are travelling to the future and to the past.Aliens,people are visiting and sometimes leaving this world,which worlds and times are they from?They're stealing peoples DNA,cloning,growing and using the clones.The souls of the dead and others are travelling into other peoples bodies to be young and healthy.The things in the spectrums that have the opposite affect of the things in the spectrums that cause aging,retards,sickness,etc and there's the others in the middle.Some people know other peoples thoughts and are communicating telepathically,interuptions,influencing,scolding,interference,torturing and controlling peoples minds.People are communicating with other people through nightmares.People are using other people to say their thoughts.They're turning people into traitorous sex fiends or idiots by getting them to look at and/or sniff something or by injecting them with something,preparing them for what´s happening now and after(animalism),your suspicious,nature's,etc examples,stuck in this nest.They're waking people up again and again and people are waking up in this place and they're causing other sleeping problems and deaths,picking,poking,prodding,digging people with medical instruments.The TV creeps and others are accusing people of being criminals and others in a past life,threatening,hynotising,insulting and bothering people about what they are doing,saying and their thoughts,maybe they'll reach through the screen and your reality show from this world,concluding the experiments and cleaning the cages.

I fuarrrked up my morning schedule today. I would have had a lot of extra time to study had I started cooking breakfast when I said I would. Other than that, I feel alright. Gonna study with a girl in an hour and 15 minutes so that's cool. I hope it's productive, cause i'm kind of making soykaf up as i go along in data structures. There she is. So fuarrrking cute. I get crushes way too easy, I need to slow the fuarrrk down and calm myself. But falling in love is addicting. I guss I just don't talk to girls that often.

Centuries ago i am a good boy, i like how all those people get higher, oh, so high, what is your name? You deserve it kendrick, i used to buy a lot of food from this one store near my house, and when it closed i was very sad, because this store had everything, and i was really sad the owner died, she died because some asshole shot her, and i was very aad because of that, celine dion, leon, teacher, respawn, restart, energy, ignorance, enemy, plan, pain over, hangover, fresh air, toys, engines, i need me some noisy music, though i like ambient too, parents, devil, christ, paris, what did i do this time? I know i didn't do anything bad, i just told him to shut up because he was so noisy, and i hate noise, it drives me crazy, i also hate bright lights, it also drives me crazy, why tf does is it always noisy, and what's with all those light all the time, i should just stay in the woods or something, idk what to do now, something's about to happen later i can feel it, i want it, i need it, it's drifting away from me, what's wrong? Nothing's wrong, fuarrrking worthless cunt, devil, autumn, anthems, tantrums, hello, fuarrrk off, random, why is this, beginning, world, who did it? How did it happen? Who's that? I need it, fuarrrk off, edgy kid, ok c*ck, religion, slave, redemption, olympus, i need to get away from all this soykaf, all these noise and bright lights are driving me crazy to be honest but idk how i'd do it, i don't have money, i don't have anything, history, yesterday, i need a different approach, oh soykaf i have a new idea for a new drawing, nice, special, decimals, soldier dead, how is flying possible? Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, Merde

walk about don't talk about think right think straight think without doubt think i said this all before think i work about think theres streets to take these feet on another walk about rough souls scratched toes brick walls and hard hos and feel power in the nose it tingles at it's tip follow where it goes the time to think is past we act now friend don't take back those words you must defend action sits at the step of krone if dementia sets in it don't sweat it's prone it's the first sign of power in a world full of loonies you have time to grow if you stop for a moony chances be chances are chances say we've gone far chance be humble chance be sweet aliens ruled the giza plate if the pyramid were a space ship or time machine or antenna to communicate with other planets i think its worth investigating lets be honest i always wanted to know what was going on 15000 years ago and if we just sent some scientists to egypt and got rid of all the fuarrrking morons defending it under some false pretense of ancestry we could get to the bottom of things is it really important to care about our past or ancestors i think it maybe stems from delusions of grandeur and the seeking of purpose. we're really nobodys, we'll like live 100 years at the most, have a prescient knowledge of it and adjunct knowledge of the previous 2 generations, beyond that not only do we not have an effective idea of what it was like we will likely have a limited affect on our future (posthumous). So why bother looking into 12.500 years ago does it really change anything? ultimately we want to know if the gods and planets were really more than gods and planets and if the pyramid was a goddamn electric antenna that attracted comets and destroyed us or maybe a steering wheel that ran us into the direction of comets or maybe we were a comet once too who knows but will it make a big difference it'll take another 15000 years before we find out and we won't be there to see it i guess thats why we seek immortality in the first place, or our ancestors did (if their religion is to be believed) they want to remember life after death and bring that knowledge to the next realm. one time i read a creepypasta on /x/ about dying and waking up galaxies away in the body of an alien and being introduced and welcomed to a multicultural alien society where creatures of all different sizes and pedal formats were living together as if it was an airport for departed (and arriving) souls i always wanted to find the source and i've lost the original pasta so if anyone has that please let me know but really the story was magnificent and the saddest and most satisfying part of all these questions we pose ourselves and i posed above is that no matter how long I've contemplated this, someone else has too, already has, died having contemplated it, and they've had as many if not more questions, done as much if not more research, has conclusions or final tghouts on countless more topics than i have and still i feel so novel for caring this is the grand delusions isn't not being able to see ourselves from the aspect of the whole of the universe no matter how aethis or theist you maybe no matter how spiritual or clinical your outlook on life you are always the centre of your universe always the one with the important questions how do i shake this feeling

I'm a bit too addicted to weed. Smoked even though my mom came over. It was super risky but I was confident enough in my ability to be a functional pothead that I got fuarrrking blasted even though she KNOWS i smoke. I lied right to her fuarrrking face and I'm relieved that I got away with it. No shame whatsoever. Goddamn that's some soykaf. But it's whatever I guess. Onto the new week, I've got a lot of soykaf to get done. I need to draw more. What i've done so far is okay. It's kind of soykaf but that's how all soykaf starts. I just gotta be consistent. Consistency is the missing ingredient of my life. The only two things I consistently do are smoke weed and masturbate. Huh. When I put it like that, i realized how fuarrrked up it is. Inspired or not, I really ought to make the honest to god effort to not smoke and whack it. Honestly, I haven't even made an attempt. I'm so defeatist, I just give up at the first thought. Bummer. I didn't want this one to be a bummer, but that's what happen when I do soykaf to disappoint myself. If I want to be proud of myself, I gotta do soykaf that makes me proud of myself. I'll be proud of myself If I don't smoke tomorrow.

joyless. I'm not certain why. It's been eating at me all day. I wanted to cheer up a lainon in another thread where people were chiming in on their moods, and how depressed they felt at present. Why am I feeling so depressed? I have many things that other people don't ( a wife, love, an okay job). What's afflicting me? I don't want to despair anymore. Sometimes I want to kill myself, and it feels random. I'm always a patient and clam person. I haven't felt this way in years, and it suddenly came out of nowhere. What am I dissatisfied with? I am somewhat feeling burdened by the responsibilities of being a parent, yet I love my son and know that I am not one of the many "childfree" folk that swear off the thought of children. Perhaps it's because my son was not my choice, and is instead an acquired responsibility, if that makes sense. I wanted to create a separate paragraph since I know I can talk quite a bit. What's going okay about this is my thoughts do feel quite connected at present. Sometimes things are disjointed, and I can't connect my thoughts. Is this normal? I recall there being a term for this type of issue, but I can't seem to recall it right now. That may be due to my poor memory and (likely) ADHD. Gosh my arms are hurting. I hope I don't have carpal tunnel. I should be studying relational algebra right now, instead of staring at my watch while I post a stream of consciousness post onto lainchan. It's odd how your thoughts eventually become meta and address the issue(? is that correct) at hand. I noticed this in the posts above. I wanted to separate the paragraphs again. This reminds me of the writing style by David Foster Wallace in "Infinite Jest." For the random soul who happens to be reading this - check that book out. It's quite wonderful, and Wallace is a good writer. It's too bad he killed himself many ears ago. He's given a good speech before, as a graduation commencement speech ( I don't remember the name of the school currently). It's titled "This is water." Again, check it out if you're interested in hearing from a depressed author with a mixture of wise/platitude-inspired tidbits of advice. Platitude, what a funny name for a word describing common/simple words of advice. It sounds like platypus. Yes, that's funny to me. I have an odd sense of humor that my wife can't seem to appreciate all of the time, but at least she gets it half of the time. That's mroe than most people, and I'll take what I can get since that's realy all I want. Is it time yet? No, two more minutes to go. Back to the meta thoughts, I guess. If I stare at the screen long enough while trying to type out my thoughts, it seems to synchronize with my typewriting. This is something odd that i've noticed (many years ago) - I tend to think out thoughts as if I type them out onto the keyboard first. It's actually an annoying little quirk that I can't seem to cut sometimes. Damn, had to stretch my forearms there. This really takes a toll on you (when you type non-stop for 10 minutes). I do so much of this at work already, I can't imagine what it'd be like to be a pro gamer and have carpal tunnel issues to deal with constantly. Oh yes, the time is almost up. I am free at last. My forearms can rest and I can keep browsing lainchan while ignoring my proper duties. I'll just drink more coffee.

I fuarrrked up today at exactly 1PM. The decision to go home instead of going to class was a fuarrrking mistake. And I knew it'd be. But I accepted it, because I really wanted to get high and watch the new Linsdey video. That's all it took. A new video from a youtuber I like for me to forget how little free time i have and proceed to waste like 5 fuarrrking hours just dicking around in my room. Now I'm high and I'm tired and I want to go home and take another hit. Christ what the fuarrrk? I've got a test I am NOT at all prepared for on Thursday and I just can't summon the wherewithal to give a soykaf. Just because I don't like physics, doesn't mean I get to avoid doing physics. I can pretend to avoid it for as long as I like, but it'll only last me so long before I fuarrrk up this test and ruin my chances of getting an A in that class.

I got here because I am smart. That's why I work on cutting edge soykaf. I've never gotten a less than perfect performance appraisal. I don't do perfect, I guess, but everyone else is even less perfect. Then again, where is here? Right now it's this bar in the back of a strip mall. I've gotten drunk every day for a month. And here I am again. But I don't care. It's irrelevant, immaterial, pointless fuarrrking soykaf, all of it. It has been 463 days and nine hours since she left me, and they all hurt. Sure, I've had women since she left. As tasteless and vapid as the cheap ass american beer I'm pouring down the hatch. Sometimes, people really don't deserve to be taken seriously. I can't think of one other girl who did- not really. She had it all. Looks, 10/10. Brains, at least 11/10. After all, I'm apparently perfect and she was certainly smarter. Personality, I can't even describe with numbers. Never a dull moment, even with the mundane things. And the sex. Two years of it. Now it's over and I'm not in the least sure what to do with myself. Programming, apparently. Make some money. You can fuarrrk money but you don't have to give a soykaf and after a while you can't anymore. So I guess I'll keep on winning at life, to everyone except myself. Except her.

Okay, I'm not high today. And that feels pretty good. Gave my roommate my battery for a week so that way I could detox and realign myself. I was caught deep in that fuarrrking trap and I really need this week to remind myself why I'm here. I lost sight of myself the same way last semester, and I'll be damned if I make the same mistake twice. I think this is the first one of these I've written sober. After the test today, I really need to use this weekend productively. I need to remember it's possible to have fun and laugh at things without the influence of weed. I'm getting those first day gitters, but after tonight, I'll be fine. I know it. I also need to conserve kush. This oil's been going strong for a whole month, I'd like to conserve that now that I've got less than half of it left. But more importantly than conserving it, is living without it for a while. That's the hard part, but that's the part I've got to deal with if I want to be useful.

Dreaming. Is this real, or fake? Everyone around me's always static. I'm the center of the universe, but I don't matter at all. Is this hell? Will something bad just happen to me one day? Will I get into a car accident? When will I die? Do I even matter? Why do I want to matter so badly? This is stupid. I'm not important, this entire world isn't important. The human race is a failed species. Why are we all so disgusting? The world would be a better placve withouit us in it/ I hate prison. I hate it so much. Everyone around me's so oblivious. Am I a narcissist? I want to die, but I want to live. I can't decide anything. I'm black and white. This is stupid. Dreams. Regardless of how hard I try, they're always about this soykafty reality. I want to leave/ I hate this so, so much. First I'm angry and then I'm sad. People can never look past emotions. Aspirations, goals, ideals, desires. Emotions don't make a person, and neither does an illness. Static. Every day passes by in less than a second. It hurts. It hurts so much. Black, white, what about gray? A dark, foggy cloud masks the sky. The ground matches it's color, making everything in between look unnecessary, like an extra detail. Tall buildings scratch and pierce the sky, fading into the sea of bluish-black hues. It's dark, foggy. Smog fills my lungs and throat. It hurts. I hate her. I hate her, I want her to fuarrrking die. Why's she so goddamn important? She's the fuarrrking worst. I fuarrrking hate her so fuarrrking much, I want to kill her and take her place. I fuarrrking love her. Red. The sky, the ground, it's red now, and it pisses me off so goddamn much. I'm better. I'm smarter, I'm so much fuarrrking smarter. fuarrrk her. fuarrrk her!

Bird cries hammer sing in arm should I do something now words slipping out of the speed, speeding up. echos and my throat hurts still. annoying I cough, is this what I should be should not shoulder the world and the under armpits. never before had I realized the sound of typing is so rythmatically musical and I slow down the position is unsafe. I know it is unsafe. I still feel the pull. and I wonder about - I blocked I forgot, and should I punctuate ? Is french okay. ce n'est pas okay. est-ce okay ? mon français est plus fluide même si l'anglais lui même est plus fluide, my voice changes but I can speak both languages en même temps ou en parallèle. Never will I last 10 minutes doing this. Is this really the whole extant of my current aboolity . I'm keeping that typo. I don't often glance at the screen , should I shut my eyes ? should I shut up ? why do I only land girls who don't love me. thats a lie thats my first. thats a lie I want to go in the forest this afternoon. philippines are a bit suffocating; ego encroaching, pushed away. Zen is pretty cool.. What would yun men say about this. am I hoping to get anons am I hoping this chan to be my new home ? 4chan is still gripping me tight. I type the address automatically most of the time I don't even fap anymore I don't even fap anymore. I wish I could I wish I could I tore open my own flesh for no reason but dissonance. dissonance. dissonance. let's end it there.

Oh good, this thread is back. It's nice to be able to externalize my thoughts, whether in a journal that only I will read, or one that random strangers will see. I need to write in my journal more. I haven't made an entry since shortly after I moved. Humans need a narrative to make sense of the world. I think that's why journaling(sp?) feels so good. It's also good to have some record of daily events. Sometimes I can't remember what year something happened. Writing should help crystallize it in my mind, even if I don't re-read the entries (though having them would be nice.) I also need to put in more work on my original fiction. The story is really coming together as far as the planning goes, but I need to actually write it in addition to all the work on the story bible. I started looking into freemasonry today and it seems appealing because of the focus on what all the members have in common. Since there's a focus on secrecy I'm sure some shady things happen in some lodges, but if I find an above-board lodge I might entertain the idea of getting involved with them. I don't know, though. Either way I really need a meatspace community of likeminded people. Probably most people in my area won't be super close to me politically, but if I could find some people who are invested in free software or permaculture or something like that and aren't complete tools. Love my friends but they mostly don't care about the things I care about and that's just how it is.

In my journey in life, I always chased knowledge. I was 19 when I joined a sub group of freemasonry here in south italy where this tradition is strong but nobody knows it. I left after a year because of personal problems, long story short I had no money to take the train and go see them once a week. My life was better when I was part of that lodge, I had all the successes I could imagine, and I understood a lot of deep soykaf about myself that really few people on earth have to chance to see, in their microcosm. Yeah, It was a wonderful experience, but Incognito, please, be careful, because there's some major mind control going on in those groups, you have to be strong; if you are, you will gain power over yourself and your will, you will achieve things of greatest importance. If you don't, then you'll slowly lose the power on your mind, and if in the slightest moment of unhappiness you will for a brief second desire something bad for someone you love, and then once calm again you will regret that kind of thought, you will not be able to erase that wish from the record of your mind, and this can lead to strange events, sometimes very lifechanging in a bad way. What I am trying to say, is that certain groups are just groups. Other groups are different, they have a superior understanding of reality. You will probably gain the same understanding but you will have to pass several ordeals, there's no short term gain. That's why I yielded. Please, consider my words, I'm in a hurry, but I tried to express my thoughts nonetheless. Do what thou wilt.

I have reoccuring dreams about reconnecting with my stepdad. Before then i used to lay awake at night wanting to get back with my family. I think at some point i want to go back but i have to realize that i have moved on

I've been getting gangstalked, I don't know what to do about this, they've haven't succeeded in making me suicidal or heavily affected but it gets annoying after a while, I tend to not think about it, how do they manage to coordinate this and electronic harass me, maybe I've been cursed and those people are Magicians, maybe the universe is against me. oh well who cares anyway I barely don't.

>>667 First, from my experience, the internet is vague and it makes it easier for creating an illusion of a group, while that may be one person. If you expose your persona on the net and get attention from various corners, it's easy to attribute random people to a "gang" Second, as much as you're, important and inspirational people (stalked people I think are, they need to be above the average), why you think someone would persist on stalking you? Also, if by any chance you're a female and post your pictures, and furthermore, a charming one, it may be fascination: you think pretty women attract attention of white knights only? No. Not your fault, I know. Nowadays I think it may happen to a man, as well. Third, why would you think anyone would like you to make suicidal? Really? Maybe you interpret those clumsy moves that way, but the intention behind them is different. This is so narrow-minded on the part of a "stalker" that is making me nauseous. Fourth, don't pay attention to it that much, you may exaggerate. And last but not least, stalking is a weapon of underprivileged cockroaches that crawl out of the rockbed. No, stalking is a part of human nature, peeking, being interested in other's lives in an unhealthy way, cyberharrassing is that weapon. Maybe you did or wrote something publicly online? Or in real life? If you are not directly invaded online with spam or anything, but all the parties remain to their niches, being it a chan or fb, it's hardly harrasing or you may not be that innocent as you claim to be. Have you tried entering a dialogue with someone whom you suspect of harrasing you and stalking? Maybe he tried, but was immediately blocked? It's the easiest and most effective way of clarifying doubts, or apologizing before taking any other radical steps. All in all, you're in a position to judge it, but I think you attach to it more importance than it objectively is. The “stalkgang” may be gone, but you for some reason, maybe higher level of alertness, think it's present.

this is going to be hard, specifically to not project my own thoughts onto the keyboard, but to let my subconscious type away. it doesn't work well on computer, if you really want to do this, you'll have to use a pen. "kiloweight centrum sigma seven keys and a better understanding wolf throught meta stasis bit of a central hell meter under stance interesting obvious antactica. valic chanmer genius games handhelp portative handman just in time to long for a better fully nominal truth. also when i'll say i'll do it i'll go and hold five really truthful numbers vitamins cells xenophilia alien so for opfor counts valid will senses. and thus for a long man i'll port through your genius genes therapy vile kilogram deuterium fascinating unbeknownst to just fill our void through julomnetic ascendance and ascendentic your willpower. they watch thus they hear and see that you feel and gently generic farmland loud just and meter central base of attention people mean to throw aback fully automatic family [meditation] genius halt fail onstage set to sever silver slither bavolong bail fohv eoti thuss ythilly olnser this thiollss on çofs this overs overseer ands rgeis remote attachment asseltimi and obverr this ovvers uthsis ob onhy this pnvers thifdwyyzs" at this point i had to stop

Is it possible to know for certain what sort of existence one is leading? There are so many possibilities—and of course, no certain evidence that one has existed before this very moment, let alone that one has any sort of will or ability to exert control on their apparent surroundings. Such solipsism, though perhaps concerning, is not inherently useful aside from engaging thought experiments—supposing that one is, in fact, a brain in a jar, there is nothing one can do to change such an existence or escape the apparent imaginings of this world. If you do perhaps realize that you live in a simulation or some sort of dream, how do you leave or wake up? All this said, there is, increasingly, the sense that something fundamental about this reality is growing in instability. Current events grow in implausibility, to the point that one sincerely begins to doubt that such things are possible without substantial outside modification or tampering. The human brain, of course, can find patterns virtually anywhere it looks; so how can you be certain whether a perceived pattern is real or imagined? Are there truly secret messages coded within various communications and broadcasts, or will looking for them simply drive you to mental illness? Why do you continue to recognize the faces of strangers? Various groups proclaim to have discovered the "hidden truth" within society, yet it seems just as likely that the battle is already lost and that perfect control is already exerted over the population. Is there anything to do but simply wait?

i feel the consciousness of many people at once. Sometimes the entire world is in the palm of my hand and I feel it spinning. when i tell people this they get scared and think i'm crazy. Sometimes I feel as if I own the entire world, however I know that isn't true. not yet anyway. I want to create singularity, perhaps robots that will take over everything and ruin the world for stupid people, but for people who are smart enough to upload their mind to robots they will not get hurt, the robots will be forced to love them.

Stream of consciousness huh? I mean what is even consciousness, wait what is that header image it's so familiar yet i don't know oh man i hope my mother sleeps well it really crushes my heart when she's crying, I don't hear anything yeah she's probably asleep I shouldn't try so hard to listen whats going on downstairs or I'll imagine voices again and wake up freaking out because someone screamed my name oh soykaf writing this down is much worse than I thought, it's like it just became reality oh what the hell I really cannot complain my life is so fuarrrking perfect with a soykafton of money and a loving and mostly healthy family nobody close died yet oh my fuarrrking god im such a weak person if someone dies i don't think I will survive that mentally yet i'm too pussy to end it because oh my god what the fuarrrk happens after I die oh here we go again, do not go down that way, it doesnt fuarrrking matter, it doesn't solve anything you will just feel utterly soykaf hey I wonder how much time I have left I mean out of the 10 minutes, hell I could write much more things if I didn't have to stop thinking about words because english is weak just as my social skills fuarrrk why I cannot tell my crush I like her oh shes way out of my league and what if she says yes i mean thats just a soykafton of more problems like she lives far apart and I would be way too jealous because she's pretty and my insecurities because of my bitch ex but then again why didn't she had a boyfriend yet she definitely deserves a proper guy but hey I'm a proper guy by many standards but maybe not hers maybe i'm boring well I'm boring by my definition too so what the fuarrrk I'm afraid to do anything because I always want to appear smart to everybody because deep inside I know i'm not, I'm just good at logic and math, yet everyone thinks I should therefore be smart about everything and it should'nt be so hard for me to take over a million dollar company oh hey 10 minutes is up let's format this soykaf (I promise I won't delete anything, felt good writing my mind down)

Sometimes i feel like dying i feel like the whole world is spinning maybe im stuck i make so little money compared to my friend that fuarrrking glitterboy that guy is an asshole i dont want to speak to him again even though i will im sorry friend i didnt mean to embarrse you i hope that we can see each other again soon maybe i should apologizing although im not sure if that would make it worse oh god please just murder me i need to get some sleep i need to improe i need to drive i need to go to school i need to work fuarrrk this life

Sometimes i just wanna go through hell, fight all the demons in there and come out a better person. Sometimes i think to myself how nice it would be if i could overcome such huge obstacles

I say "I'm tired" a lot. It's a few utterances away from officially becoming a crutch. I can compare it to when people always say "I wanna kill myself" or "I hate myself" ad nauseum. Am I really tired? I think so, at least sometimes. I do a lot of work around campus. I'm in so many groups and whatnot. But are my nights really that long? I'm sleeping by 1 most nights, waking up around 7 or 8. Others have it worse. It's annoying when people say that though--personal struggle vs the expected tolerance of the average person, it's difficult to figure. I personally try to not be a bitch about everything, and base most of my moves around, "am I a bitch if I can't do this? Am I a bitch if I do this?" This song is the epitome of the slow jam. So much of their work is interesting to me, and I hope I have the time and money to purchase a synth of my own one day soon. These words are heavier than one might think originally. "I don't feel time when I sleep, so I snuggle up in my sheets and wait for a brighter day..." I feel like unintentionally or not, the writer captured a sentiment of depression, tiredness, something Something, it's difficult to keep fully on track in a constant stream of sentences and thoughts. Alcohol! I can't wait until I feel right to drink it. I am so tempted to drink one of my IPAs tonight, but I've had trouble waking up in the morning since the weather's cooled down and I don't want to risk oversleeping any classes again. We'll see how I feel after my night's done though, maybe I will. I often fear I'm toeing the line of alcoholism. "It's just once or twice a week" sounds like something someone would say to downplay the severity of their trespass. How brief, it's only a week. How long in between drinking does it need to be for me to say I'm not hooked, that this fond fond love I feel for the comfy times drinking alone or with friends isn't secretly my dependency , or some craving? Does it matter? One thing I've thought a lot on is that of course someone doing something self-destructive would say they understand risks/don't care if it'll kill them, because they're addicted/delusional. But does it matter? My timer's gone over by a minute or so so I'll quit here but perhaps I'll drink an IPA tonight regardless.

I didn't hear voices. It wsd a conscious decision on my part. I've been weigjt lofting for so long and I still seem like a complete failure. Honestly, I am a bit unsure if my dreams will ever come to fruition, but it seems like I'm making progress. Raw sauce. Real progress. The lava lamp. I don't really know why this stupid bitch is messaging me. fuarrrking evil cunt whore fuarrrking trash subhuman. I should really go buy some more melatonin. The mint flavired one from whole foods that my mom occasionally gets has a very nice and distinct flavor, and it always causes me to have very vivid and wild dreams. I can't stop thinking about the taste. I could drink it. It's so hard to type on this godforsaken phone. Am I being pretentious? I don't think so. Why did I think that? Always intrusive thoughts. These people probably know what I'm thinking anyways. There's no way to real know, and there's mothing I could really do. Am I paranoid? Or delusional? I don't really know what I am. I don't really want to type this for 10 minutes,I'll end here.

>>690 >I say "I'm tired" a lot. It's a few utterances away from officially becoming a crutch. I can compare it to when people always say "I wanna kill myself" or "I hate myself" ad nauseum. Am I really tired? I think so, at least sometimes. >I'm in so many groups and whatnot. But are my nights really that long? I'm sleeping by 1 most nights, waking up around 7 or 8. Others have it worse. Really like this one, very relatable. Already did this, but I felt like doing it again. Pacing. I'm walking in an endless cycle, a never-ending nightmare. The people around me don't exist. I don't exist. Everything is a blur. What happened yesterday, the day before? When will I die? I don't exist. My body will rot in the ground and I will dissapear, like majority of other people in the world. Why are people like serial killers and terrorists remembered, when there are so many people more deserving of being remembered? When will the world end? Is there someone out there, waiting for us? Is there a god? If there is, they're cruel. This is boring. I hate this, sitting here. Yet, another part of her, the part she never listened to, told her this wasn't that big of a deal. It told her many had gone through with this before, and that she wasn't special. She knew it was true, but that doesn't mean she had to acknowledge it. The truth was, her name would be written down and typed into a few files before it was forgotten. Her fate was set in stone. Maybe, just maybe, there was something waiting for her on the other side. That filled her with another rush. However extravagant or distorted it may be, the answer wouldn't come to her if she gave up now. Why would she give up, though? She had nothing to go back to and nothing to look forward to. Not here, at least. She had been forgotten. She took another step forward, and then let her body fall over the edge. Wind. It blew past her, stronger and heavier than it had before. She reached out her arms and closed her eyes, and suddenly her glasses fell from her face. She didn't need them. A force increased its weight on her body, which is when she knew she was getting closer. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but all she could see was a black abyss before she met the ground.

i put pen to canvas white the spill of ideas and dread and all manner of madness and i dream i dream of clarity like a glass a nice glass of water release from the shackles of nothinging to the void the dread the doubt nothing it’s nothing it’s nothing pride art the soul no soul no soul why wherefore therefore the soul where is it why is it i think i think i think it’s wrong it’s okay it’s fine fine fine fine fine the clock strikes twelve and the scream of the writhe in pity and pride and anger and discontent and thunder rumblblblblbllblblbing it rumblblblblblbbls and where be it not hither nor thither no where to be seen and i look up above in of inside up inside the wall down upside the hole and it rumblbblblbs and the self cowers it is scared not of the rumrbmrubmrs but the self it knows the ruurmbrumburmbums are its and is rubmumrburmbrus are its and it hurts it pains the self and possessed of he is no right to cry no right to die the white lie shattered he i she you me we all love we all love and we love all that came to be and in this spinning universe and this infinitesimally smally chance and it’s a feeling maybe not a good feeeeeeeling but within here lies you, here lies me. within is a strange sense of pride that rumblbllblelblbelblels within thee and meeeeeeeee and aaaaaaaaaaa and the feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it drinks fills to the brim and it all bubbles to the trouble of me for me are none and we are all so thee pursue not pursue perse but hope, hope, hope, hope to the skies and the stars above that maybe we might meet again cause i loooooove and i loooooooooooooooooooong and i would kill to. catharsis is that feeling you hate because it goes away and its left the life of thine and thee and weeeee and left to look at is the present not the past or future and present is a man of oily wits but abhorrent visage he stares you down and it hurts to return the gaze it hurts and its the hardest part but it must happen and it will happen and no choice there is no choice. need there be a directive a meaning and nothing to do live the days away and wish the days away that we might not wake up oh good morrow! good morning! good night and oh hallelujah good grace it is over is it over it is and there is nothing more to worry about and yet we are still here sorry

I cant believe Ive done over all this years my life could get destroyed if they found out what i did in those and those still crawl to the back of my head and i can barely resist the urge to do it again i just dont want to do it anymore. its like that thought i had months ago I am here with my "future" because of the hopes and dreams I had shattered in my past I am selfish and use people for my own interest and i simply cant believe i did at all thinking it was ok i never thought about the futures i have ruined theyre school works, relationships, make them get in in gruesome fights and all of it because of my narcissism and i cant apologize to the people affected because they will be too confuse thinking i never did anything wrong in the first place while I am here carrying this guilt in my back. well i might carry this guilt maybe it will go away eventually and keep using my so called "friends" as tools and the first person who will not do the favor i am asking i shall make sure they will have a very bad day. besides i got a quite some people who are willing to help me do it. goddamn it. I don't feel that much guilt in my mind now after that.

I'm a fuarrrkin idiot man like for real dude, I sound like a total glitterboy but that's that and it's hard to keep a stream of consciousness when there's things going on around you and in generally I feel as if there's no hope but I have to press on regardless because my father and the Lord and I would be disappointed in me and I cant let them down, If i do that then I will be truly disgraceful please help me but I've had enough help and I need to get this done on my own and if I don't then my world and being will end and I really hope things get better but i know that's not the case and never will be because it would take a collapse or major war to bring all the disgusting serpents down from their high towers honestly I cant believe that we've let this go on for so long because these people are sick in the, kill all pedophiles no matter the exception and in a sane society they WOULD be dead. But this is not the case. I have to live life disciplined while everyone around me is completely backwards, I'm not saying this because I'm some sort of special snowflake at all but I notice that 90% of people around me don't recognize their self, their own being and it makes me sick because they regard very serious and life altering issues as trivial and obvious. Completely being fed exactly what those in power want them to hear. The sickness of world is so strange, I have to fight against it but I know this is inevitable because eventually every civilization ends up like this and collapses, and then rebirths. Every day I have to resist the urge to kill or severely hurt someone and I'm not a bad person I'm really not,I love or at least try to love or care for as many as I can but they don't make it easy as all see are people who take what they have for granted and never improve or even seek to improve and will lie and cheat you to gain another second of hedonistic pleasure jammit man please Lord help us, don't worry about me just help them because I sin but I actively make an effort to be as faithful as I can and resist these demons but it is so difficult. Please help humanity, I love Father in Heaven. Now aside from that I need the strength to right the wrongs in the world wherever I can and I need to get my head in the game regarding g my schoolwork but I'm so deep in the hole that it's staggering but I'm sorry to anyone reading this if I sound like an edgy glitterboy but you'd have to see what I've seen to understand, not too put you at a sort of crosswords lol I probably sound like an insane freak right now lol Im sorry, I really am very amicable and reasonable with people but honestly every day it's a struggle to not break the jaw of some dumb glitterboy who thinks having LGBT enter our schools is good and teach LGBT History or whatever the hell they're pushing. Man it's all messed up and I hope things get better soon but I know deep down it's just going to get worse and I want to see my girl to remove the stress but man I just dont understand how millions of people in the advanced civilization we live today could just throw away thousands of years of our ancestors blood just to follow these sick, depraved, hedonistic things and I hope that it gets better.

>>154 fug man

The lack of empathy in the world is outstanding I see people hating when they should be loving. Love love is important. When I was young I used to think cold logic could shut down any argument that it could be used to defeat evil and lunacy and i still think that but less cold less harsh. things that dont make sense give people comfort and comfort leads to happiness which leads to a happy mankind. i know thats not entirely true an optimistic take too optimistic much too optimistic. but i see people hating people who probably deserve to be hated and i see them thinking what they hate is scorned correctly. but they condone death. they hate those that hate and lead to more hate. they shouldnt be hated they should be loved into logic. logic is good and logic defiles hatred. i just want people to love. but the people who are hated hate others too, people who probably dont deserve to be hated which leads to a cycle of the people who scorn others to be scorned. no one wants to understand. no one wants to love. a lack of love is now compassionate and it is cold hard logic.

ok so here is the thing. I like to eat bat and olives are round. six eleven with a powerful force of light. It's a nasty thing. The way it works is an endless cascade of neutrinos. Who the hell knows really. I've got some. Can it bear fruit. what tree has that kind of power? Nasty things. She saw it before she knew what it could do. It's got coils down into hell. Something about it is easy to deal with, but its impossible. Jesus. cranberries are an important part of a balanced diet. see what else comes out of the cave. the deep trembles. the light touches the deep with its word. the world flashes into being. cannot . should there be anything. yes. of course. but how to deal with being? well, thats what we're trying to figure out. it's not so easy as some would like you to believe. it takes work to be the version of yourself that can mediate between order and chaos. aim toward the highest good. it will change you into a closer approximation of your best self, then you can reformulate. continue to aim at the highest good, but since youve changed, what you perceive to be the highest good will change as well. its like the fibonacci sequence. the longer it goes on the closer it comes to approximating the golden ratio. its an endless endeavor. and this works on every level or analysis. it will work for you. >this is what happens when you watch hours upon hours of jbp

I didn't want it this way. Everything's wrong. Everything's right. Nothings happening while everything is happening around me. What's going on anymore? I don't feel I can keep up. Was I meant to live this way? Where any of us meant to live this way? Somethings wrong, I can feel it. But I can't feel anything. What's going on anymore?

Not sure where to start or what to say, it's pretty much just surfing or strugling with words. Could have something to do with english not being my first language, but nah I don't think so it's just thoughts and how they work probably. It's strange to even think about stream of consciousness and letting things roll out like that but I feel lost, and I can see dark pictures and I remember that usualy I keep thoughts pretty in check and just like to have control on them and these things cause when you let it it drift it goes to dark pretty much right away, like a strong current leading to nothing and grey stuff so I try to turn the wheel the other side when I can. Really it doesn't matter it's just a test I can let go and see what happens, but it reminds me of that one time I did lsd and how I felt constantly on the edge of falling into my thoughts without realizing I had actually fallen already stupidly deep into them and I kept spinning and going roundabout with a new view on it every time. It was a nice time, a nice place but really im glad it's moved on although not looking forward to the rest exactly either it's just like day to day, you can't go too far ahead you can't really plan or think too hard about it and at the same time if you don't introspect the alarms get rung, some kind of system keeps you in check and goes no now's the time to stop. Stop. I just stop, I banked out solid three seconds of time, mass, distance, lenghts, thread and needle lost. Dark person with small white hallow in an also dark place, I went there again, turn the wheel again. Even if it's just stream of consciousness it's more a reflex than anything just don't go there, stay straight, know whats there - lost again always end up there, fine don't move, don't turn wheel, nothing to do now just dark and lost. Lying down bored bored as hell get up : a rock and waves crashing on it endlessly, rock doesn't move, not a dent or fissure there, always like that. I'm a rock. I'm that rock. I want to be that rock or a bird something along these lines, I will probably at some point. It's just practice, you practice ,you repeat, you become and I am fine with existence like this. Like these stars and starry skies.

fuarrrk damn I feel ass. But better now, I've slept an hour and my mind is all whack, less whack I suppose, than before. Momiji's here, what do I say to you all? Confusion. I've found my way out of fear, I long for the future. But I must stabilize the present. My will, my coherency is weak, find it. Meditation. It'll solve the problems, hopefully. Consciousness and dreams, that'd be cool to explore. I seek a waking dream, I'd love to experience the world of my subconscious in a conscious way. But yet, I know little, never a lucid dream before. I can record journals, though that gets to drag after a while, especially with the less comfortable dreams. What do I do, what do I do? Uuh, I guess I can go outside. Burn the day, see the sun. Less of the confines of this room that I've wasted away in for a month or two. But yet, I suppose that's a bit too cruel. This place is a nice place, I like it here. I just need, or want, to see the wider place. It's a day out there, a overcast but cozy day. Rain is the bringer of life and I love to see it fall. A wonderful little place it makes, the dreary, the cold. I appreciate it's presence. soykaf's going down with friends, I wish I could help them. But there's nothing I can do. Economic problems, social problems, hell fuarrrk. They're there and I'm here. I've got to get done with all this schooling, I wish I could be working on myself, my skills, everything. But I study math, and the government pays for it, it can only be useful, probably. We'll see how it goes, and in two years, one year, whatever happens, it'll be over. Periodical gayness, this soykaf is like kicking dead whales down the beach. But I don't want to leave off on a negative note, I'm overall optimistic, soykaf's looking up in a strange way. I love to be here, I look to the future, with what I can do with my mind. This study here, the modern tulpamancy is almost completely unexplored, but yet perhaps there's little to write. It's a personal art, as many spiritual journeys. I know people who have made it far, and there are yet people going. I want to write down all I can, to save these experiences for time to see.

okay. so. im looking at my arm right now. is this what im supposed to type. lol. fuarrrk. i cant hear my thoughts very well, not well enough to transcribe them. sorry. fuarrrk why are my hands itchy i mean. jes this is a pretty big invasion of my iprivacy. maybe this is a big datamine for google ais. aaaaaaaaa.every time i type ky thoughts get interpuptsed. which is annoying. free flow type doesnt work. i cant hear my thoughts. i can only feel my thoughts huh fuarrrk. okay thatst enough

The timer has started and I don't know what to write. My tongue still dry from that evaporated honey. It always go to fast. Fast from the side, fast into the blood, and too fast out too. I guess that speed's gotta come from somewhere - so no wonder I feel slow. But ain't that just what it is to wander, dawdle become and try to be and behold that sublime sense that's always there. You know it's in you. There's a term for it, entelechy? Enteelchy? Something like that, like you know you are better than you are. I mean we all know you are. So to say you are the soykafty things you do is to soykaf on you, and most humans. We do what we do since that's where we are. I feel like this is becoming disconnected. Maybe this music is too much. Maybe I shouldn't have written this. Maybe my style is so obvious that everyone will know this is me and I'll have to live in shame of being open. A bust barn door shakes the sound from your head. A crack. No, two cracks. Was it near or far? That was far. Don't worry about it. You are alone. If I could do a thousand zips around myself I would, breath in the stiffled air that I know is mine. I used to hate that as a kid, under the duvet, sweat-ridden stench of my own breath. Now I can't live without it, there is nothing so secure as that which I hated as a child. Is that nostalgia? Or just a gasp of entropy entangled within me. I wonder if I really convey what I think when writing. Or if I'm really just stringing together the sounds I live. What a stupid idea - everything is on a scale. Everyone knows everything is on some sliding spectrum. I guess. Unless they are on the furthest point, then I guess from that perspective they see everyone as their opposite. That seems like a sad place to be. Shame. Multi-faceted human beings all stand alone in some metric.

my leg is moving on it own right now why is my face covered in different colors why am i struggling to think why im i so blind i already knowe how to write whithout my eyes am i useful are you useful is anyboydy useful in an universe where usefulness is nothing but a concept, the concept of people doing monotone things that nobody will ever notice i just mistyped that, why should i care tho, you're not reading it am i a fuarrrking psycho? or am i just creative or i'm justa pansy that's way to easily manipulated by its own feelings sometimes i just want to scream i just want to make people scream scream my name scream my name SCREAM MY fuarrrkING NAME YOU DUMB WHORE OR ELSE I WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM MY fuarrrkING NAME WHILE YOU'RE DROWNING ON BLOOD YOU FILHTY MAGGot I WONT STOP i did stop but why why am i so fuarrrking atrocious were they thinking that i was going to be like this they don't even know not even i know who am i i know that i was born with a purpose but i'm just so lame why do i not give single fuarrrking fuarrrk about me nobody does does that make them rational? does that makes them right? was society prepared for it why can't they acept new ideas why cant we apreciate creativity why are we so empty that we only caress pleasure why is our common goal pleasure why is our god only there because of our personal gain and his own personal gain a higher diomension a highher purpose non existent an empty god and an empty soul everything makes snse now empty blink orange blink an icon the icon of sin the machine is listening are you lsitening music is on the air no more empty particules devoid of any emotions, just like humans empty rufk

>>775 you are a lying son of a bitch and i hope you fuarrrking go to hell, devoid and pointless just like you, why am i here, to be like you, but i fuarrrking hate you, why do i have to deal with you nobody has to deal with some one they hate, but what if they were there with you since you were born does that gives them the right to be with you to treat you whoever they fuarrrking want like a fuarrrking sex toy for their own pleasure humans aree disgutsing you aren't me we should die already i want to pull the button but sonmetimes i cant, i care way to fuarrrking much about them yet i only wwabnt to cease and desist nobody has the right to suffer but everyone should suffer, suffer what they don't feel a single organ in a single body with single poison death what's stopping you from being who you are why are you so fuarrrking pathetic die die die die die die die die you fuarrrking worm die why are we so unstable why am i such a cluster fuarrrk of emotions why am i just that fuarrrking dumb why am i so fuarrrking dumb i fuarrrking hate it why are you just reading do something you fuarrrking idiot do something save yourself from this earth

I think that there is indeed an objective reality. Objective reality is information, subjective reality is simply the way a consciousness interprets said information. Using a computer as an analogy this idea becomes far less abstract, as we can view the mechanisms of a computer externally (i.e. we are not the computer, therefore it becomes easier to understand its inner workings). A computer, through its inputs (the senses), takes in information (objective reality), and processes said information through various layers - the CPU, software, etc. (the metal = the id, higher levels = cognition, ego, etc.) - of computation (consciousness); the ways in which this information is finally shown - via the internet, visual display, audio output (communication) - or outputted to other users, are numerous, but are all interpretations of objective reality. When a solipsistic perspective is taken (one can only know their own subjective reality, therefore other consciousness do not exist), does not afford an understanding of consciousness in relation to reality, as you can never be sure of how closely your subjective reality reflects the objective. While obviously subjective reality is never a reflection of raw data (objective reality), one's subjective reality can approach objectivity simply by recognizing the difference between the two. If we assume a non-solipsistic model of reality, we can say a person exhibiting psychotic symptoms is very far from objective reality, as their means of processing are prone to adding arbitrary information or information pertaining to the mechanisms of the mind, leading to confusion between the subjective and objective. When one's mind is no longer rooted in the processes which give the agency to perceive objective reality and reason - by way of taking a psychedelic, or experiencing an intense psychotic break - one can explore the depths of subjective reality and its systems of interpretation, and ultimately approach objectivity upon the return of the rational mind, having gained an intimate understanding of the procedure of understanding.

Okay, this is weird. It's gonna be absolutely awful and unreadable since english is not my native language. i wonder what this party on friday will be. i don't want to get really drunk, just a little, i'll have to go home by myself probably. i'm tired, i don't know why. coughing. my head is empty, i cannot think of anything. i actually like school. i'm waiting for this sweatshirt my friend bought for me when he was in usa. it's hot in here, i should probably open my window. i miss her. we could try again if she wanted to but i'm not sure if i want it, because she's really emotionally unstable and i have to cope with myself so i'm not sure if i could help her and be there for her. too bad she didn't make it with this guy, he's a nice person. i think i still love her, but i cannot be sure coz... yeah, my fuarrrking emotions. christ, my back hurts. it's 10:11am already, i' woke up 2 hours ago and still haven't left my room. it's weird when i'm thinking in english, not used to it. should try it more often. maybe i'll just write down my stream of consciousness every few days or so. it's too dark in here, i'll open my window. i mean this thing that i don't know what it's called. curtain? whatever. am i happy with my life? there's a lot of things going on. the guy with ptsd, ex-gf, school and all those things that happen to millions of people every day yet they are difficult to cope with. my friends are weird. i am weird. jeez, M asked me if i wanted a netflix accound. fuarrrk netflix. i'd be happy if she weren't using it but it's her life. i told her that it's not good, but people don't give a fuarrrk about freedom. it's sad. there's too much botnet in this world. i don't know if i'll be able to cope with it. i want to move to a different country. japan? canada? australia? nz? i don't know which one has the least surveillance. if i can't i'll probably move to some third world country with not tech or kms. fuarrrk usa. i really liked those photos i've taken last week. when this cold ends i'll go and take some more. this city is so beautiful at night.

I haven't done one of these before, let's see what happens. my lower back is starting to hurt, that's not very nice. I just was forced to venture into the outside world, and my hands are still cold from the winter chill, so I'm finding it a little harder to type fast than I usually do. I have noticed I talk about myself a lot, I've been trying to stop doing this for years now, I don't even think I'm very interesting. In fact you could say I hate myself. Yet I find i hard to write about things without including myself in there somehow. Perhaps it's because of the years of my life I spent having my brain rewired by facbook to think that everyone cares what I have to say always. I haven't used facebook for at least 2 years now though, and I still naturally fall into this "blogposty" style, so perhaps it's not that. Generally I'm getting better at catching myself before I post that stuff though. what to write what to write perhaps I should just let this be even more freeflow and just start spouting words as representative of my emotions as possible without the filter of language syntax and sentence structure. meddle metal petal settle not now david I'm trying to work dreaming sleep, no dreams mere peace petal flower rose hana monster no way to be free dreams like peace flutter down. sound drill ears no thanks please why why why discover leave me alone alone alone alone on my phone raspberry pi small form factor and practical. Function over form. Fashionable no more this is like soykafty poetry wow 2 minutes left right left right left right hands warming up now, typing a little faster running out of thoughts, god I'm tired. Too much coffee makes a dull day duller too much coffee makes me duller I feel numb somehow my brain moves at ludicrous speeds, yet thinks nothing of value. Constantly thinking and over-thinking yet never actually being fuarrrking useful always whining blogposting fuarrrk just keep typing then it will be over almost done a few seconds left now 3 2 1 annnnd-

>>851 ur gay

It wasn't meant to be this way. It was always the way I was the way you were, to be your friend was to be grounded in reality, your title yearns for 6 Treat it like chamomile or busy streets for the rest of your life burning, yearning for desires to be eaten and spit up again by the clutches of the machine. I'd like the chance to go back and change things, to go back before anything and change things to be better, to be purer and more interested in good things. I was raised as a criminal and you weren't. Interest in the finer things, interested in punishing myself for things I take introductory responses. Ground yelp you free it to be in the way of everything else. I'd destroy myself if it wasnt for everyone else. I want to be who I am becoming, but there is forever going to be something in the way. Ego is irrelevant when twisted to the whims of absurdity. Gross insecurity. Injustice. Freedom and the girls It was for you that I did it. Irresistible and identical. Twin.

I'm glad I'm not on social media anymore. I've tried quitting or minimizing my use of it before, but this time I was fed up enough with it that quitting was natural. My real friends all continued to speak to me through other means so for me, there's no downside. I'm still using services like discord for communication, and while I'd like a decentralized alternative, this is fine for now. Small servers with just friends is a step up from the constant barrage of minutiae from the likes of twitter and facebook. I've managed to cut some backwards people out of my life and focus on getting myself together. I don't have to cater to demanding assholes, and their ridiculous sensitivities. I suppose I never did, actually. Now I just need to get back to making money and learning more and things will start falling into place.

Okay so start, it's been a nice day and a peace of mind comes upon me. KI guess that just means I'm satisfied with myself. Peaceful music does that, as does typing with my eyes closed. I never even knew I could do that, I had to opne my eyes just now just to make sure I didn't make any mistakes, but then as soon as I did I ended up doing it anywya. Huh. In any case, It feels good to be left to myself. It's been a while, well I can't raelly say that. I really enjoy forced boredom, that sense of peace from being left ot your own devices in a quiet place, and your mind just linger s and lingers and you think about everything that can happen. Start some peaceful music, start replacing your life with nice moments, start simplifying things and just generally get comfy.. Sounds good. I'm surprised thuis far this sounds pretty coherent. Oh well, out of ideas. In any case, I like this, this sensation. Some chill hiphop does help as well. Guess I'll slow down, let my mind take me places. As far as my needs go, I guess I don't have many, give me food, hygiene, and I'm fine. Sounds fun. I suppose humanity boils down to that, what really matters in the end. A beat, a heart, and all we really want is peace and love. How romantic, says the cynical. Oh well, can't help myself being who I am. A cynical. Well, in any case, such a discussion is pointless. I wonder if this will fit the page, i just broke my stream of consciousness I clicked some other window oh my. Well, time's running but no rush, I have nothing to lose but my happiness. Typos galore. I feel like I should delete pointless thing but that's not the point (hah). First song over. So now for something a little more upbeat. Guess I'll attempt to type to the rhythm, maybe that will get me going. Yeah, makes me feel the love all around us. Pretty nice. Almost out of place. With this world, this board, maybe with everything around us but so what. Yeah, I know I'm repeating myself, sue me. Or don't, really. I would rather not deal with annoyances, they're so bothersome. I like things just the way they are. Ambition is so ambitious. Just give me, I mean, keep your american dream, I'll keep my room in the sewers to myself and that will be good enough, it's my treasure. A corner and a lie, I mean a life. No, really, no freudian slips here, no siree. Annd I'm not even drunk. Yet, anyway. Maybe I should have been. Huh. Now that's a thought. A drunk and a fiddle, what could possibly go wrong? Nothing, that's what. No way. Slowing down again, eh. Maybe this will fit the post limit for once. I do talk too much, think too much. Why think, anyway. Just live and let live, let be. Not hard. That reminds me, I've been typing pretty well for an ESL. Feels good to know that I've mastered one of the few things that I care about. No hubris meant. It just feels free to use English as if it was my own, my soul. It's a part of me, a building block of this mess I call myself. Neat. Just like computers or that banana I just ate, even though it's past midnight, dark outside with a pretty moon hanging over me. I feel like I'm the only one awake in a 1km radius. Not bad. Silence is nice. Even the dogs don't bark this late. I wish all life was like this. Like this exercise. I almost feel like cheating and going past 10mins. Not up yet, by the way. Woops, that went into the file field. Now I'm out of ideas, I swear. I wish I could play some musical instrument. That might help me express myself. Not that I'd upload it here, mind you. I'm too self-concious for that. I'm not-[time up] Sorry for being too noisy. But it felt good. I'll have to do it again at some point. Maybe.

Typing the first things that come to mind for some length of time? Huh, it has been a bit since I did this last, though that was before when I was elsewhere. I wonder what the other lains are thinking, I should probably go back and read their thoughts after I'm done with mine... Where do thoughts end, just sitting here typing, any pauses just feel long. Like something should be coming forth but it doesn't seem to be as smooth as it should be. Some words get stuck on their way out, others scratch and scratch, no, spin, no, no, scrape? their way out of my mind. It feels kind of jittery when I think. Everything that comes out is usually the first and only draft, so maybe it just wants to be done right the first time. Going back and correcting things is a pain, especially when you lose the frame of mind you had when creating. Oh the time, what time did I start this. it was a 6 when I started this, I should have remembered the time better. Should have set an alarm for this, though, I've not really set alarms for other important things. Sometimes I just hope for the best and hope that the light outside my window is bright enough on time. Wouldn't be the first time that I take too long to wake up and miss something important if I failed though. It's a habit I should really kick. Missing things has been such a pain, but it's definitely not the only reason for my faults. I should do something. Something about.. uhh. Keyboard. Something about my habits I guess. I don't really want to go on and on about this. Guess the time's almost up this time though. glad I noticed what was coming on time. Tick tock tick tock when will the minute change and Time to read the other posts.

I'm not sure if it's worth listening to the beats of my heart anymore; they start and they roar uproar from some lore that you'd seem to find behind your own eyelids that only break to popcorn ceiling, but we swear we're not feeling up anybody. it's their body and their body is our body if we let our emotions sink in. popcorn at the bottom of your drain; my brain stays fried but time keeps clock ticking. I'm not kicking your door down, it's more frowns in your town that you keep breathing in, it's not your fault you're sad all the time, it's the wind, it's the beautiful yawning wind. she asked what you were writing, and you didn't think she was cute before but now you do. don't talk to anybody keep your head still. rapefruit makes your head want to kill them. just label your thoughts when they come in and let yourself assess them in a healthy way, rather then let your day dissipate like letting pictures of things that remind you of different days be instant hate, turn your windows down and the blinds up, because nothing outside of here is bright enough to lighten your stuff that you keep in your lungs, your lungs don't breath you do, your brain doesn't think you do. it's not voodoo to talk to people even if your words help or hurt. I just miss the way my shelf was swelled with letters from her, and I don't want to stop and I can't stop because that's not what the rules are but I just read aloud what I write in my head and I don't feel right in my head. I rock back and forth and get angry in my office chair in my bedroom when I see a fuarrrking meme that reminds me of things that had me staring off the edge of the train platform, and I think of when you acted and I think of when anyone acted, everyone is either acting or so soulless and inconsiderate so much because alpha, and I'll never become what I've always wanted to become because anything I say or do now I will always have the capacity to say or do in the future, the probability of such things arising will only shrink but not disappear, I will never be content with another or with myself, and even if I accept that it is the acceptance that I can never accept and that itself is a waste of time, so I should give up, but you can't give up, you've made it for at least a couple decades, but your head plays tricks on you telling you it's on you. all the bad thoughts you have that keep you up at night far past when it's wise to fall asleep and you're scared of your dreams and the fact that you're not the tallest. please don't let your relentless anger and pessimism get you down, don't waste your my life like this, don't have wasted your life like this when you are dying, you have heart problems very minor but they exist so if you only live to 30 you don't want to have lived a waste, especially considering that younger years have more value inherently than older ones. I don't want to feel anything anymore, if happiness is real I'm only deluded when I'm in it, distracted from things that are real that I can't accept because I'm not meant to be here, and not in a I'm-so-special kind of way, but because I don't function and I can't keep human relationships, and I'm scared of my friends and leaving my room and what I'm eating, and every single person that passes me I feel their brains focusing on me with all of their energy even though I know they don't care about anything because I don't either. but I care too much about everything and I miss you, rather I miss the illusion you had me living under, that being open with my emotions is something that is possible to do with someone while still trying to maintain their attraction towards me, but you were never, or you said that to make me feel better. I don't know what to think or what to learn, I'm supposed to be getting better but I think there is nothing worth thinking about anymore Added punctuation and newlines after; time to read the others. Interesting thread.

He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious. He was a punk. She did ballet. What more can I say. He wanted her. She'd never tell. Secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends. Stuck up their nose. They had a problem with his baggy clothes. He was a skater boy. She said see you later boy. He wasn't good enough for her. She had a pretty face. But her head was up in space. She needed to come back down to earth. Five years from now. She sits at home. Feeding the baby she's all alone. - lol she hit the wall She turns on TV. Guess who she sees. Skater boy rocking up MTV. She calls up her friends. They already know. And they've all got tickets to see his show. She tags along. Stands in the crowd. Looks up at the man that she turned down. He was a skater boy. She said see you later boy. He wasn't good enough for her. Now he's a super star. Slamming on his guitar. Does your pretty face see what he's worth? He was a skater boy. She said see you later boy. He wasn't good enough for her. Now he's a super star. Slamming on his guitar. Does your pretty face see what he's worth? Sorry girl but you missed out. Well tough luck that boy's mine now We are more than just good friends. This is how the story ends. Too bad that you couldn't see. See the man that boy could be. There is more that meets the eye I see the soul that is inside. He's just a boy. And I'm just a girl. Can I make it any more obvious. We are in love. Haven't you heard. How we rock each others world. I'm with the skater boy. I said see you later boy. I'll be back stage after the show. I'll be at the studio. Singing the song we wrote. About a girl you used to know. I'm with the skater boy. I said see you later boy. I'll be back stage after the show. I'll be at the studio. Singing the song we wrote. About a girl you used to knooooooow! That didn't last 10 minutes what the hell. I expected that to be 10 minutes but whatever. I guess I'm faster than I expected. Just like sonic. I wish they didn't fuarrrk sonic up. It could've became something really good with the skills required to be on par with dark souls just without the constant deaths. Why don't I make my own sonic game? My feet hurt. Oh right copyright infringement and all that crap. I don't want to go through with that.

>>890 >Feeding the baby she's all alone. - lol she hit the wall. kek

I am hopeful and hopeless for the future and I don't know what to do. but why is this the way it is? I don't know what to do with him. I'll just forget, it's stupid. I'm really hopeful. I'm curious despite the fact that it's not good for me and it will lead nowhere in the end. But it would have been nice, but I don't think it would have been right. I feel dark. It's almost 3 am so I need to sleep and I'm starting to not feel well like I need someone. But there's no one but me. Maybe that's not such a bad thing but it's not good to bottle things up inside. I need to use my voice more. I'm feeling a bit lost, there are multiple paths now and I can't tell the difference between them. Sunflowers and warmth. I'm lonely. But there's no one that I can feel happy with and I'm often afraid. All my friends are also pathetic people, but how is it possible to not be pathetic now? What should I be doing? I'm uncomfortable with others, I wish I could relax. I wish I could be a better person and a better friend. I wish people weren't so sad. I wish the world could be a better place for people to live. It's unfair, but the only thing to do is to ignore the things that make you feel like you are worthless and make you suffer. Otherwise you will never feel happiness. I wish that people would have more compassion and understanding for each other and understand that we all suffer but some people barely suffer, that's unfair, but someone is always suffering more than you are and someone is always suffering less. It's up to you to decide what that means and what to feel. I'm simply grateful. Sadness and pain must be accepted as part of and most of existence. It's fine, though. I feel okay. For now. The things that make me happy exist and I'm grateful for it. Some feelings are never felt. Some are too much. My life is full of similar feelings. I'm damaged but it's okay because I'm taking control instead of drowning this time. I wish people could be happy without hurting other people. Including me. I can't think. I think I use people. But that's probably normal right now. But maybe I'm too harsh. Maybe humans are better than that and I'm just crazy. So many feelings are locked up inside. I'm not sure what they are but it would be better for them to see the outside world for once and gain perspective. I wonder what all of you are doing right now. How many people are sad? I wish I could help. But I'm a bit useless and crazy and maybe I'm not the best person, but no journey is ever that smooth. As long as it was gentle and brought happiness more than it hurt. I'm without any perspective. I'm in a box. I need to restart and think things over again, for now. I hope you're doing well. Just don't be angry. But I really need to reset, and I am important to myself. It's okay. It was never going to go anywhere good, and I couldn't stand it too much in the first place. Maybe it's better like this, because plane tickets are expensive. And it was wrong anyway, even if I did enjoy it for a while. But I couldn't tell the days apart. I'm starting to feel better now. Thanks. It's better this way. I'm going to turn the page. I hope it's not too bad. Life goes on. I just couldn't tell the days apart. And I was wasting away thinking about you. I don't want to cry anymore. My hair will grow fast. I'm still young. You had a lot of problems, and you were stuck in a rut that no one could ever pull you out but yourself, but you don't care enough to even try. I don't want that influence. I'm still working on myself when you already gave up. I just wish I could have helped, but I know that I could never have. Bye, then. And I hope you will eventually care enough to help yourself. You are good. But don't let life carry you away while you bury your head in the sand. Thank you. I'm sorry I couldn't be more, and better, but I'm just human. It's not too bad like this. It's okay. And I feel new. Thank you.

>>892 Thanks for posting

there's nothing really to be said anymore, i dont mean in an 'art is dead' and things have been done before kind of way just that i have nothing really to add to the story ive been living anymore its really just that im kind of tired and also this seems "confessional' which i fuarrrking despise confessional being code for 'whiny little bitch who thinks only he truly feels' which is really pretty pathetic i once told this to somebody about their writing and they almost cried but whatever, things are a series of mistakes, wow my nails are too long so typeing this is really hard i feel almost illiterate. is self-actualisation really this eimportant? the denial of it seems like nothing is worth doing anymore goodbye type a, hello waiting for a car to hit me, the shame is a car did hit me but i was fine. oh well this could be therapy, not even going to pretend anyone else will read this because fuarrrk that, even i can barely satand this soykaf but THIS at least is something to do and im wasting my satuday already, first saturday im not at work and i hate it, but i hate work now too even though i used to love it, it used to be everything but im not in control anymore of my own whatever or is the conclusion ive come to so since then its not so much. worst thing is that if i do this i hate it but i cant want to do anything else so im worried the passion is dead but with nothing to replace it yknow? anyhow this is it this is living so there and so what might as well waste a bit of money and feels and peoples time but i am a bit lonely over here so i think that adds to the whole constantly wondering thing about not existing but this is a consciousness exercise stream writing autisitic words of falsenood and all that not fiction and not fact and barely any tact and god im really enjying this band but not enough to feel decent and how was everyones day today nothing can really stand against so what but well i wish it was snowing again it was so pretty i really wish it was snowing again and ten minutes feels like a lifetime but still too long and short at the same time and so what ive still got time for now i turn the lights out in my room except for this lamp because i like the yellow colour on the wall and maybe i should take up some computer hobby like games or coding, at least itd be something to do alone but then even what i love, sort of, the work i mean might be taken away from me soon and then ill be really living without anything but it could be for the best i mean what the fuarrrk do i know and theres a few seconds on the clock left to go and so what

>>131 Yo check me out im a digital jew I do what i can to use the icons on you Edgy and fun and extremely self hating Dont bring me to parties unless you like debating Lately, i feel like im fuarrrking it up Lifes on hold and im trapped in a rut fuarrrk it im you now i live for the dank ass memes Hyperspace overflow to be what i mean So i sit up and type up a poem All in hopes that my dreams, youll know em Ive been a free flying death dropping bomber And prey in the jaws of unrested black karma I sit here and surf from place to place Cause I aint got no friends that can tolerate the look on my face Im a disgrace but tied to some existential prophecy With stories so contrived how can i live to bring harmony Ive been a peace walking hippie that speaks with the trees Ive been a technocrat that considers nature diseased Ive been a happy go lucky fun guy Ive been a hermit gettin down with the fungi Ive seen "gods" drop down to their knees And "good" people waste what is free Ive seen the light with supernovas in mind And watch black holes form as planets collide But theres more I eat ass and i make gains I smoke grass and I play games And every meme i see is reason for a new day Each step a portal to the immortal Feelin whats mortal within the light coral Each realm a web each string a story Im a spider and your mind is boring Here ill change it for you Watch your tread Change is painful So watch your head Im manically panicking My fingers are happening Begging for pampering and now i cant rhyme any more so i guess thats it. Microdosing dmt is stronk. I dont really know what to type at this point so ill say... I love you guys, even though youre probably a consciousness ill never collide with, but i mean thats fine. Life gonna life and abyss gonna abyss. just do me a favor and make sure to meditate, and if youre too black pilled to do that, dont shoot up a school. Shoot up uh... idk. Ill probably end up on another list if i say anything, so nevermind. fuarrrk jake paul, fuarrrk pewdiepie, fuarrrk widowmaker, fuarrrk globalism, fuarrrk porn, fuarrrk nationalism, fuarrrk racism, fuarrrk celebrities, fuarrrk game of thrones, fuarrrk satan, fuarrrk men in black sensually, fuarrrk gmo's, fuarrrk chemtrails, fuarrrk aliens didactically, fuarrrk interdimensionality, fuarrrk hate, love lain. Thank you for your time ladies and gentlemen,

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eternal septermber the end of november pretender conception november patient cow little doofus wicked man jon snow battle royale and another side of hell i slpit between ween nice green and fish deer head scathed upon my bed fine said instead pretend incident problem ticket change regression test another one time less another fine time, lest i forget brine teeth grit enough feat leetle feet tiny people baby death afleet life conscious enough to get hit by a bus tough nails grin smile bite snipe snail die aloud proud and goud poud pout another grout by time a snake inside a boot and little teeth that bite it by the snout, a griddle little chicken little fiddle played by devil soykaftle, fuarrrkles buckeles drive my truckles kill the whore and store her carcass down by riverstead instead my bass player is dead brittle kittle chicken little another fungus to discover undercover mother lover filthy fuarrrking pigly fuarrrker, gross and red instead of dead but another time id dead ahead a bristle thistle and my gristle running down my bearlike thistle. night light fight dwight schrute beats battlestar night light stars upon a little light and stare upon them i see flight childhood escaping me, anxiety isnt what it used to be, worse than heaven stronger hell and remember the bell please remember the bell frithen finger fuarrrker finding little nigger froth is binding, soykaf my fuarrrking books afraid until another day. ip address is logged into the abyss and sometimes saddened over paranoid another mongoloid another day little fiddle bright and brittle nother kiddle killed by diddle, fungal spores eruptupon the little fawn his eyes are bleeding, seething dying barely breathing, underneath my rbathroom seething, underneath it all the dirt it feels another sit upon it. pretty fuarrrking filthy friday black and deathly rebecca fainting, in the bathroom on the floor another girl who careless more it bites and stings like bottled heads and licks my tits upon m bed and licks my teeth and scrapes my skin the next of kin is dying soon my parents wont last much longer, my life is laaginifgatehr no words can ddescribe how feelings feel so really it's all futile anyway darkness skylight brain and muddle mixtures frain delight it bites my stream until the end and makes us go where noones been, spiral down the rotten end it makes us go where noones been. alarm is ringing cat is licking time to get up out of bed but i cannot move a single inch or i'[m afraid that my head will give in my orggans pop beneath my skin and every day i new begin, it sticks around like devils air i cannot hear a single word. little down and autism psssss a ficking drawer upon my head my card is uselss in the end it makes us go where noones been. dark and dreary barely speaking clack my can on sound my hearing, listen here you fuarrrking queer i barely knew you feet upon here hurting lacking empathy and barely underneath myself im always down but never out my teeth grind on and on like grouted soykafty sharp and fits of concnrete never go the fucing longest without a harlot to design i never want another brine i cant escape my sexuality and it's always present with my body, never will i love again and never will i feel again. sorrow seeps until my skin begins to bleed and fracture within i try to remember her but all i can demise is burry cat is breathing heavily and barely and and and i can't see it's dark outside it's dark in here i arely get another year if i' lucky.

I'm told not to worry so wow I started then stared zt the cat who found it odd-er than sum of equal parts; what would you call that? I not I had something that I was not I going to think of but only thenrealised that I couldn't backspace backspace from before _moisten smiley emoji nice haha so funny is this really stream of consciousness it feels like reggae I'll type with my dick like dick cheeny oekaki comes to mind what comes to mind what comes to mind capital TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTThe: image of frank zappa I'm a man from Oman catcher in the rye is a unicorn Mongolians are the barbeques that invented firebending and stole the air from the air benders I kid you not you can't make this soykafe up wahwahwahlawahlahlahwahhahaehehehehehehehehenongnongSIPSIPSIPCUPCUPCUPCUPCUCPdegeneracyCIPKIPKIPSIPSIPSIPSIPcarl jung french princer of bellemu DAMO HOWS IT GOING DAMO? HOW ARE YOUR KIDS mine are fine as said by the cat as fortold by the robot voice-es is this really pod racing? is this comsciousness? Casey Neistats nose could fill a bathtub oh shoot not much time to go where are we going sunday is why hump is fine HEHEHEHEEHEEHEEHEHEHHEHEwhere's the lakb sauceHEHEHEHHEYOSHYOSHYOSYOSSYOSSYOSSYOSS Yoshi!!!!wah wah wah walugi is horizontal x x x x x is vertical UNGGGGGGGgggggg........UUUUUUUNNNNNNGGGGGGggggg....... Smell the whipped cream boy????SNIFFFFF...... Don't look now but wow nelly don't even.... fun... circumpunct lets get some circumpunct in here it reals circumpunct hourzzzzz zzz this is the zzz board for the zzz tired people Jake the Wog FINN THE HUMANadvented time Superwog1 is the best/worst youtube channel content creator? that's his real name.. twenty five yen on the big dude wait is that anthony fantano i that picture.... With hair???? The imahe has hair!!!!!dreaklocks is hair oh wow here we go again with the dreadlocksalways with the dreaklocks we know you hate dreadlocks and M O N G O L I A N P I C N I C P A R T Y big dude end of strem. *Fin.

I wanna jack off but it's a sin

i hate asians that is all

I am becoming The tree.

kill her kill myself i don't surrend i'm just a stream of overdosed rule this is my son i would dream about what she told me this night how i could never give up about my blood until she finds out i never existed through this separate anarchist way of consuming brilliant modernism and complicated way to cut my arms and realize how it's distant on my self pattern of exclusive music boundaries although you seemed not to realize you were lurking glycerol under my bed for nothing but nightmares for fire and crackheads

Set the timer! Man, i don't like being rushed. But who does? Maybe people at races do. Maybe it is that feeling of being rushed they love. Is it that weird? Maybe it isn't. Heck i love this cover. So warm. It always get tangled withthe other one though. Its not bad, its special. They are destined to be with each other maybe. fuarrrk interruption. +tv blasting all day all night. Gotta love. Maybe someday i'll achieve silence. Love me some silence. But at the same time when i can't hear anything i'm unsure of where i am. What is happening. Makes me feel asleep. Also woo sleeping. I wanna dream. I want big worlds far from reality. Its kind of a waste of time but it's so niiiiiice. So peaceful. Need more dreams. Dream diaries sound pretty as fuarrrk. HOLY soykaf I'M GONNA DESTROY THE TV. I'll burn this house. No, but my flowers?!! They're gonna grow soon. Maybe. I hope. It will be great. I can't wait to smell em. Maybe they won't smell nice? Hmmm still niice. I like looking at them. Women are flowery. I dont get why the simbolism is so accurate but they really fit. A white room. White flowers everywhere, all fresh and nice. Watery. White dresses. Or no dresses at all. Idc. Just want the light. But it hurts my eyes. Sad. Do i want wind? I like it when it takes my hair off my face. But most of the time it doesn't. Its cruel. Man. Do cats like wind. I don't think they do. They run so fast. Fwoo fwoo skipping through the field when i call her. Lovely. So warm. They purr. I wish i could sleep with a cat. Wouldn't the purring disturb me? Hmmm. Maybe maybe. But, just once at least. I hear the wind again. It's always so windy. Do you know what i hear again? The fuarrrking tv!! Haha hooww nice. Burn burn burn. Escape with my flowers. Do i need all my other stuff? I wonder how people cope up with disasters. Natural ones. They don't have anyone to blame. And they lose everything. Fresh start my ass. Losing everything sounds inspiring but i don't think it is, at all. The tv. How do i get to stop paying attention to it? Need to get deeper into thought. Neural connectors in a lab. Beep boop boop beep go the panels. I saw some beeps here. Mind beeps are popular. Nice. Feels warm. But labs would be cold. So clean. I like the clean. The cold is nice too. But it's cold. Antarctic worm. Those bugs are scary yet amazing. THE OCEAN. I WANNA GO DEEP INTO THE OCEAN. BUT IT'S SCARY. BUT SO INTERESTING, OH GOD. Excite. Someday i will go down to the deepest depths of the ocean and watch all of the living beings there. I'm gonna do it. I gotta do it. Sigh, run to the ocean. Or swim? But i can't run nor swim. Wish i was good at sports. But not quite. Im awesome. Heck yeah, love. Love cats. But that's not the only place my love goes, ofc. Just the first word i think of. Thinking of how many minutes i have left is stressing. I need to relax more next time i do this. Maybe on paper? Will i be able to understand my handwriting? I should do caligraphy, but i won't.

Zero money down low monthly payments in the back of the check driven to the taxi throw it over your shoulder and drop it in the bank, that's a toaster so tooty toot toot, and over a waterfall now where in the back of a fridge, I'm cold, drive it too war, your the any queen, I'm left over soup, shoobidee du bah dibbidee du du dash by.

The ten minutes started. Thinking in english is weird, but at least I won't have to translate soykaf later. I should be studying now. I always should be doing things that I'm not doing now. Am I lazy? Can I blame it all on the depression? I remember being lazy before starting to be this mess. But I don't remember this despair. I don't remember many things of my past. Maybe my mind wants to protect whatever remains of itself. Despair. Maybe I'm just lazy. I don't know where people find the motivation to do soykaf. I can stay all day on the sofa - watching videos on youtube, taking some naps, or eating just for pure boredom. Not even playing vidya or touching the computer. It's pathetic. I still pathetic even taking the meds. fuarrrk, I can't even fap due to these bloody meds. I just want to sleep all day. Conciusness doesn't have any good use for me. I just want to dream forever. Even if I have a nightmare, they feel just like exagerations of my emotions during the worst parts of my day to day. Dreams feel calm. Even with the weirdest soykaf going on I feel calm, comfortable, comfortably numb. I can dream with those characters from fiction that I desire. I can feel their touch. They hug me. The only times I feel love is in dreams. The warm of their arms around me, an the most important: the calm feeling they bring to my heart. Hugs in real life are are rare and mechanic. Their warm can't get to my heart. And the time is up.

the words are comign out of my mind faster than im able to type i wonder if i'l ever be able to match my speed in wpm, i feel like i can even type faster than i can speak sometimes when i'm in the mood. i've been wondering the past few months about why i get so anxious when i consider things like the afterlife. i've never had worries about such things in the past. and now my life is going greater than it has been in a long time. yet i still sit on edge and worry about what will become of myself after i pass. it's pointless, if i cant remember what life was like before i lived, why should i worry about what it will be like after i go. It's stupid to worry, but it can't be possible for me to exist here without me having existed before. the universe is finite, my thoughts are finite, the permutations by which they can activate the neurons in my brain are finite. why is my death infinite? does consciousness just wander from able body to able body forever? after my death does it just move to the next suitable entity? to another body with biology able to process information in the way humans do? is consciousness brought about by the universe and its force to reach for infinity? fractals are found in nature, dead trees reaching up from the frozen tundra becoming ever smaller until they ultimately stop.they don't continue for eternity, but they reach towards it. they'll never reach it. this singularity of AI and consciousness being fabricated holds heavy implications for man. if consciousness is fabricated and we are pawns, there is nothing devalued in the process of becoming aware of this. I don't think any value is lost in fabricated life. test tube life or life being planted by purpose. if trees are planted in a specific formation, not by their free will it does not devalue their purpose or existence. if we humans are brought to existence by chance or purpose, our existence is not devalued in any way. i'm certain there are more ways to express myself than through just speaking english. maybe one day i can speak japanese fluently enough and maybe that is another barrier that i can overcome. maybe it's not to do with english or japanese or spanish or any human language. If there were a more efficient way to portray my thoughts i am not sure i would want to learn them. being human means accepting imperfection, and i'm quite happy with that. if humans are not efficient because we pursue love and emotional processes that are irrational, i would not choose to become anything but human. if a pigeon does what is most logical in any given scenario, they are not living a life worth living. they need to experience the beauty of the universe in the same conscious manner us humans do. we are living such a lucky existence, and we would never be aware of it if we weren't brought into existence in the first place. the universe wants to be noticed and us humans are here to do that. the universe is unable to notice itself and understand itself so we are brought into existence to. we developed consciousness as part of our biology, and on the side we were able to see the universe in all it's glory. we will one day figure out secrets we wish we didn't know, but even so we must continue to preserve things that are important. things that are important to one man may not be to the next, but universally, no pun in tended is the emotions we feel. without emotions like this there is no way we could feasibly feel the universe in its glory. we need to ensure humanity is alive to feel the universe and the emotions that accompany it

Everybody starts their post with how they're starting right now. I guess in being meta I haven't quite escaped that, but oh well. I started studying a second language the other day, but I'm still not motivated to study something more practical. Learning more than one language can be practical, but I don't think any opportunities to use this language will come soon. And I won't be fluent in it soon. I need money soon though. I wonder how many people on this board who act like they're financially successful actually are. I guess I need to learn to not give a soykaf about it either way, though. Ego has no place on an anonymous imageboard and being jealous of someone based on one dimension of their life is counterproductive. Hmm...what else is on my mind? Mushrooms I guess. I discovered Paul Stamets on youtube and I got interested in /drg/ stuff, but I haven't tried any. If I ever do it'll need to be in a very controlled environment. Maybe. Pot turned out fine the first time I tried it. This is a whole different thing, though. Anyway, I tried growing two different strains of mushrooms for food and they were both overtaken by the same kind of mold that grows on strawberries. Two slightly different growing methods, too. I'm interested in being at least partly independent from grocery stores so that was disappointing. Once I move again, maybe I'll do some environment control and try again. I need to take care of the goddamn gnats in my plants, too. Not sure how they got in this time. I just want some unmolested bamboo and aloe. Time's up, for my writing, but it feels like time is running out on me too. I need to figure something out before my savings dry up.

>>930 Just did one of these but yours resonated with me so I'm gonna dive back in. Love you too lainon. I'm fond of the attitude that a person can just love somebody they'll never meet, even though I know the other side of that particular coin is just liking people in the abstract but not liking them in the meat. Is the coin thing the right phrase for this? I don't know, whatever. I also like the general "fuarrrk all this soykaf but you people I'll never meet are cool" vibe. I wonder what would happen if more people thought that way. If I hadn't seen as much as I have in my life this would be the point where I started dreaming about a movement or something to make the idea propagate. But nah, even if it worked it'd spread so fast the blind spots wouldn't become apparent to people until it was too late. Everything is a mess and maybe realizing that is important. It just IS a mess and trying too hard to fix everything is how we got in the geopolitical mess we're in. Maybe? Maybe not? I should go re-word a response in another thread I was going to make. No need to indulge in forum slide just because rude idiot number five million decided to run his mouth. Love Lain. Oh, there's still another minute. I wonder how long it'll be before the big tech giant companies fall over? I hope it's soon and youtube in particular offers some way to make sure anything worth watching makes it out alive, like when geocities got archived.

It is so strange to write and think and once when your native language is not english. One of insecurities? One in million other. I have to write just to make my internal wound stop. I have to do to stop those wounds from bleeding. It is going for more than 2 years at least and I still don't know what happened to me. Seek for help, seek for help - someone is saying. Yes i want to, but there are bigger this which scares me - that i would go to psychologist and she would say that i am not only one with this kind of problem. Everyone has it. Everyone is suffering from something. It is just more or less. And what is wrong you may ask? I dont kknow - it is hard to tell. But still htere are a feeling that there are a lot of things in this world that it is not right - one may gain everything and dont feel anything and other may get nothing and feel all right with all he has. How to be one of those people. But you will become slave? I dont know. But one fact that I am slave already - I have nothing to loose. Snooze Snooze Snooze Going to fill another vape shot and turn on the music which always leads me to relaxing and feeling the joy of present instead thinking of future. Even i know, that i will wake up tommorrow and will have to get my ass up and move along. Sayonara.

>>131 Music again, back enveloping where i was supposed to be at 10 years ago. So much change so little variation its like we're not supposed to be able to even control the very basics of who we are as a person. When you get down to the essence of who or what a person is it's so immutable, so much more immutable than what we were told growing up. everything seemed to fluctuate so much. But it didn't really, there were just so many souls around that it made it seem like that. Now its all dispersed and you can see how each character is just so solid. All you can ever change is your habits. But i keep trying it's like a never ending trial of doing the same thing over and over, a return to pretending I don't have an ego proceeded by getting completely BTFO by my own hubris, being humbled and then repeating. I nee no way out of this. It doesn't seem to matter though, i wonder what other people think of this cycle, maybe they don't even go through it. Life is interesting and fate is weird and maybe those two things don't exist but maybe they do and life is a constant battle to remind yourself of humbleness, and worth, and your place in it all. Its all so tiresome though, why am i so tired all the time? Nobody else seems to be so tired. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me psychologically? What am i not being told? What am i being told that i misinterpreted? I'd rather be armed with the knowledge to be honest, i'm fine with being flawed but if i don't realize it then the hubris cycle continues

10 min? I'll just do 5. i wonder how much of this is dependent on wpm or if you can even think faster than you can type. I hope I can think faster than I can type. Now i'm trying to type as fast as i can just looking a t the keyboard wondering if the spelling is going wrong. don't really want to go back and look but i just did and now I feel a good pride at my spelling and thinking about how I like being good at spelling and wondering if its right to narrate and my seplling isnt that good see and i dont have the grammar down such as apostrophes or possessives and i hope if i ever want to be a writer that whoever reads it doesnt think im dumb for stupid mistakes like grammar. I wonder i wonder kanye west song too haha I usually don't think like this its quite novel but im thinking about the timer now and narrating the thoughts again isntead of just putting them down put them dwon pen in my hand thinking about rapping or if im just typing to feel good about being able to type so fast. i guess its not a competition so why would i treat it like one guess that means im competitive? hahaha I don't imagine anyone reads these anyways . i type haaha because i really do laugh in my head some of my favorite things are from laughing in my head at funny stuff throughout the day but if i tried to recall any i couldnt really besides seeing ex girls at starbucks but even that was a month ago and i only remember that because i talked to another girl about it and almost told a fake story actually i didnt almost tell i really told her that i felt bad talking to an ex because the first thing i said was i didnt recognize you which i guess isnt that rude. the ex in question had just texted me too about me screenshotting her story on snapchat and well I didnt want to respond and she wanted sex this weekend too but she put on her literally public twitter that I was one of the three guys she had drunk texted to try and have sex with her what kind of sad life is that I dont want to be like her and that makes me not want to touch her. i wonder if sad girls are like that and she just has no shame . i have no shame either really one piece of evidence might be me typing this out here while I'm here. this feels almost like a diary but........... Haha, that was a lot of fun. I think my immaturity comes across...

alright. here we go. I suppose I ought to start this professionally, proper capitalisation and all that. Oh, fuarrrk you too, Windows. fuarrrking piece of soykaf garbage OS. I will spell however the fuarrrk I want to spell, and that's that. I prefer UK spelling, and if that makes me a pretentious asshat, so be it. I feel pretentious, sitting here in this fuarrrking cafe. It's... a time. There's a crying baby behind me. That's how you know I'm not ever going to be a parent -- my gut reaction is disgust, not concern. What the fuarrrk kind of parents bring a newborn to a coffee shop? Humanity is falling apart and this is why. Actually, humanity is falling apart for a billion different reasons, and I don't think that newborn babies in coffee shops are the primary reasons why. Maybe this coffee is the reason. It tastes like soykaf. How have we as a species refined coffee only to fuarrrk it up again? Maybe it's my own damn fault, ordering an iced espresso. That might be the worst decision I've ever made. That's a lie. All I do is make bad decisions. This doesn't even remotely place. I can't wait for this torrent to finish downloading. I'm trying to live boot Linux Mint. I'm so sick and tired of Windows. I'm sorry, but it just fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach more than this coffee or this music. Oh my god, the fuarrrktards behind me ordering fancy-ass drinks. Iced vanilla latte whatever the fuarrrk flavour shot. Dear god, why. That's repulsive. Basic bitches are worse than yuppies. Whatever happened to yuppies, anyway? Yuppies always make me think of Zodiac by Neal Stephenson or American Psycho. Zodiac's a good book. I still haven't finished The Diamond Age and it's making my skin crawl. I need to finish this book. fuarrrk, I wonder if I'm going to be late for work. I better not be late for work. I can't believe I'm a fuarrrking wageslave. I can't believe I typed that. Of course, my belief in things doesn't make them real or not real. Perhaps I'm not actually typing at all. Maybe I'm actually dead or dreaming. That might be nice. I don't know why I'm so preoccupied with death. That should have stopped around now. I'm so confused all the time and I think I'm falling apart. I wonder if I'm worrying the people around me. I don't know if they care. I don't know if I care. Hell, I don't even know who I am. Theoretically, I understand the concept. I'm human. But I don't think my personality is stable enough that I have an identity. I wonder quite frequently what sort of personality disorder I have. I know I'm fuarrrked in the head but I can't get a psychiatrist to figure me out. I definitely can't get a psychiatrist's help if I keep working these hours. I can't believe I've turned into garbage like this. There is nothing beneficial about this, not even the money. Maybe I should go dumpster diving. I wonder if I can disable the security cameras around the refuse facility. I bet next week I could walk there, leave as little of a trace as possible while taking as much as I want. Rich old bastards probably trash good soykaf. That'd be nice. I wonder if I'll turn into a hoarder, stealing trash like this. I really don't know. My old roommate found a copy of my favourite movie in the trash, though, and it was in perfect condition. I guess I'm putting the low life into high tech low life. Now to get that high tech... I do hope that eventually this torrent finishes. fuarrrk, I want my soldering iron. One day I'll build a cyberdeck, just you fuarrrking wait. I wonder if I have ADHD. I guess I won't know until -- maybe never. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll die not knowing what's wrong with me. I wonder when I'll die. Probably young. I can't die old. I doubt it.

>>131 alright I'm typing this blindly like by closing my eyes so there is gonna be typos because why not/? anyways I'm sort of self conscious about this and I don't know why for some reaosn I'm trying to imagine the banner because I can see light changing through my eyes lids 'm gonna open them now oh it's nothing also this is all gonna be in italics as apparently I hit alt+i so sory lain, fuarrrk I forgot to set a timer it's 1:32 so I'm just gonna round it down to 1:30 fuarrrk I don't know what to type hmmm, I'm enjoying 1984 the book I'm rereading it but I haven't hd the time to read it indepth so I'm only on like page 16 or 17, but I can see why people draw parrelels between it and current day google and facebook and such My I keep kicking my dog on accident fuarrrk, what time is it? 1:33 ok, w/e my hands hurt I don't nknow why could it be because of me typing for 3 minutes straight? I'm going to pop them now only 3 fingers popped in total I wonder why I' mgonna pop my toes too now was able to pop 9 toes but now they ache slightly I probably shouldn't do that but I like doing that All the speed he took, all the turns he'd taken and the corners he'd cut in Night City, and still he'd see the matrix in his sleep bright lattice of logic unfolding acorss that colorless void huh neat, I opened my eyes fuarrrk am I dong this wrong i'm typing this like I'm typing a blog I probably shouldn't do that but I don't know any other way so fuarrrk it, my thinkpad's palm wrest is creaking and I don't know why, I should probably test it after this is over damn I'm getting like 70WPM then again that' sprobably not much but It's pretty good for me as I recently swapped to touch typing and I love it, it really helps me work with vim a lot more efficiently and vim is a godsend. Maybe I should change my rice, it's only been what it is for like 3 days but I'm sort of sick of it already, it's only a matter of choosing a wallpaper and having wal change the colourscheme for me, not that big of a deal, and I have a macro in ranger so it's even less of a deal, fuarrrk I was gonna type something but I forgot what, I say fuarrrk a lot, I should probably try and chill with that, it probably seems overly edgy. oh fuarrrk it's 1:39 time flew, I don't have my clock showing seconds so I can't tell how close I am to 1:40 but now it seems really slow because I'm watching the clock oh it turned to 1:30, I guess that all for now

Nobody's going to read this post so there's no point in writing it.

>>131 I usually lurk, but this seems fun, so I'll give it a go. I wonder what I will produce as a result of my stream of consciousness. It actually seems like it might take some effort and thought to produce something, as my mind is usually rather quiet when I am not actively engaging myself. Breaking through the boards and falling into the abyss of darkness, deep into a dark dank cellar. Tied up on the haystack is an anime girl in a cute sailor uniform, gagged and bound. Light leaks in from somewhere because of a hole in the wall. What can I do, or rather what ought I do to for this girl? I stare and do nothing, total inaction. However I am attacked in an unfortunate way; punched from behind with brass knuckles and an iron dick. Abnormal hair and a worker's outfit, possibly resembling that of an electrician, this man possesses a distinct appearance. But she who sits across from me at the table also stands out. Her hair is adorable/ As an anime girl, blue hair actually looks good on her, and he has twin tails and she drinks a milkshake. But that is before she turns into an old lady, topless, with a knife. Angry. Her face contorts into a slight, highly horizontal frown extending beyond he normal confines of a face, each cheek existing on a fleshy projection near the corners of the lady's wide, toothy mouth. It's a monster out for my blood. The guardsmen have it under control. They see things like the shadowed angle of a pillow, with such depth as a magical flying grade schooler. Ah, but how fun it would be to fly thorough the air while harpoons and lances are fired from archaic cannons. The castle walls are very high; probably higher than any real castles that have ever existed and it stand before a vast expanse where I can use the money the kingdom donated to be in my severance payment to buy a home with my wife. Forest animals chirp and a waterfall is near. The local plant life is much more lush. However, as the forest grows, malevolent intent is detected and creatures of the night and predators of humans consume my life. Vampires, No shame to die for me, you fools. Take him to the incinerator. My first skeleton, glorious skeleton, what happened to you? I lay in bed wondering. When I get up, I see my torture chamber and feel lonely. but I have to wait so much time. I wont to be alone without anyone again. didn't they want to research and learn while spending their time in the country? of course not. They are her please tell them it is I whole destroyed the beach before they all start to retaliate. When you get married, please buy a calculator. My shaving isn't even that bad.

What is this, unconsciousness – the thread? Hahaha.

Stream of consciousness attempt two I got interrupted the first time but here we are... and aaaa I gotta go back to class in a bit more than an hour I hate this honestly I'm just waiting for the summer vacation to arrive so I can stop even though I probably hate summer even more it's full of bugs and hot and not as comfy as winter I wish it was winter again that was fun even though I had a bit of the blues back then but there wasn't as much I wouldn't call it stress since I don't tend to be stressed but boredom I guess? I'm not doing as good as I was in class but I'm still very comfortably in the upper third but still I just want everything to be over so I can relax at home... though I already do that. It makes me feel really guilty when I realize that I haven't sat down to work on homework or class material since January probably (or more accurately midterms but I wouldn't call working on catching up for the last 3 days studying) when other people are working every day or at worst every weekend though I hope the administration won't fuarrrk me up due to how often I skip classes I've gotten a few e-mails about it but they're automated and I know that they don't check as long as nobody brings up the issue at least they don't check formally but yeah sometimes I get pauses in the string of thought and that's kinda bad I guess? Since it allows me to gather my thoughts together but those pauses are for at most a few seconds so I hope it isn't considered cheating I don't even know why the first thing that went through my head when starting to write this was blogging I guess I just felt like doing that everyone tries to blog at times it's easily noticeable by how some people like to suggest things or write guided questions/affirmations on chans hoping that someone would reply "story time?" but I think it's good that it remains kinda taboo. Anonymous hates blogging, but can't help reading it and replying to it seriously when it comes by. Lainchan is such a nice imageboard I usually don't hang out too much but recently I felt like all of the boards I usually browse together have too little activity so I end up checking and finding no new posts I guess it can be called an addiction but it's nowhere as bad as it used to be. Sushi rolls are qt. I aaaaaaah why am I pausing it's really infuriating as if I have nothing to say but I know it's not true... it's something I've thought about a lot recently, how it seems I have no creativity anymore (even though it's not linked that much to what is happening right now). I used to write a lot more as a kid & teenager (even did cringey RP soykaf although that was fun) and ever since I picked up programming as a serious hobby and started browsing chans it feels like that was replaced by more "logical" thinking. I started a journal and a dream diary a few weeks ago to help me get back into writing and get back some of that creative spirit so to speak, only time will tell if that will actually work... but it's a more generalized problem, I can't seem to "innovate" even in other artistic activities like piano and such. I stopped that when I was about 12 I think? And I can't even play a tenth of what I could back then. It's incredibly infuriating, but enough blogging. Streams of thought going across my mind... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa why is this happening I just want to laze around all day and stop thinking sometimes but that's not acceptable even though I want to. It's strange how I feel like giving up and just achieving "normal" things while at the same time there's this part of my mind that wants to do greater things and not limit myself, seeking more knowledge and expertise in more and more stuff both scientific and personal knowledge and I know I can do it but physically instead of working towards something I always end up just sitting in front of my computer while idly browsing or watching anime? It's really debilitating, isn't it? Right? Right? I'm a failure. And the timer is finished.

Who am I? I change of mask depending of the situation or person. Who am I? I try to express my emotions. But I usually repress them, because I don't like them. It's so hard to open my heart to people... Who am I? I'm lying to everyone. To some, about how am I. To others, about how I feel about them. To the most fortunate ones, I prefer to shut up before saying any lie and just avoid talking about it at all. Who am I? The reflection in the mirror repulses me. Not my body, even if I don't like it, it's not a major problem since it doesn't define me. It's my face. The odd feeling my face gives me anytime I see it. It revolves my guts. Who am I? Behind the mask, there are only untamed emotions. Messing with my thought, making me crazy. There lay things I truly hate the most: Loneliness. Madness. Fear. Weakness. Who am I? Sometimes I wonder where may be my old self. Who I used to be. But there's no place for incorporeal cadavers (and psychological seriak killers) in this world. I've been carrying masks so much time that I don't remember what used to be under them before. I probably even can't remember for how long I've been carrying them too. Who am I? I don't know. I wish I was just a duck.

>>1251 I want to respond to this with my thoughts on "self", maybe it will give you a new perspective to why you feel this lost. You could describe personality as being borderline fake, because in many ways it is just an ego mask (ego used in the "shamanistic" context, i.e the fake self you build for society) a simplified represention of something that is actually more complex, the gathering of all your experiences, value systems, and the abilities and traits you are born with. You could also view it as an attempt to try to romanticisize either your flaws or what society views as negative about you. For example emo/goth, I am extremely emotional/depressed/negative, nerd, I have bad social skills, or don't care about fitting in. These flaws all have positive sides (sensitive, artsy, smart, etc). Based on my observations there are not enough people who introspect and know only this superficial ego mask and don't understand their true psychology. But you could also view self understanding as being on a spectrum, or even a form of intelligence. This ego mask is like a character we play without really noticing it (except in subconcious ways). Some people have told me that they often view themselves from a 3rd person perspective, for example while walking down the street, and they imagine themselves like a character from a film or something. Many people start to mimic charismatic characters from movies and TV that are a positive represention of their way of being, their ego mask. It's almost like a compulsion to mimic them, like dancing to a beat. You don't completely notice it at first. It results in an ego boost. I change myself temporarily to another person to understand other people and things. You could compare it to virtual machines. It is like a psychological virtual machine where I let many personalities and mindstates run in my head at once. It is the safest way to do this without losing my foundation. There is a core me, for example the most important values. (Maybe you are missing this "core"?). And a central "eye" in me that observes all my thoughts and psychological functions from a distance, it is neutral and detached, the control hub. This core self I'm not allowed to change too much, except for when I find a really good reason to. So new perspectives and personalities that could potentially change my core self, I have to definetly run through a "virtual machine" first. I do this both with other people's way of thinking and new ways of thinking I create myself. I take the most important and good parts of a new way of thinking, that are compatible with my core, and attach it to my core self. It is like you are redesigning or evolving your core and your overall psychological structures. Some of these mindstates have qualities to them that are very logical, useful, or valuable, and the more important mindstates like that are more at the forefront of my thinking, closer to the core so to speak, while the other ones are more towards the "bottom", if you imagine these mindstates represented as layers. When I am in this "virtual machine", it is really as if I am experiencing this way of thinking myself, I don't just pretend to. But you can also enter a "VM" more "from a distance" without experiencing it so deeply. Maybe for you, you only pretend and mimic without actually experiencing it? I think that everyone does this to varying degrees, but the amount of "VMs" and the intensity you experience it varies. A good example is how most people adjust their behavior and thinking in accordance to the social group they are with. I think though this shows that for most people this is subconcious and they don't control it well.

Well soykaf, I haven't written anything in awhile so fuarrrk me, this seems like as good of a time as ever. I have a final exam tomorrow but fuarrrk, that's not a productive thing to write about. Alright, well I guess I've sorta had this story idea floating around in my head for awhile about a post apocalyptic world where society has broken down yada yada and we are presented with a few characters who all drive around on the now abandoned city roads. They either clear highways, or maybe just find empty ones? It's hard to say considering that who knows how this event happened. Like I said, this idea has just been floating around in my head so I haven't come up with the cataclysmic event which causes the world to end. I'm thinking something like maybe a disease that has a >1% immunity rate with modern human genealogy. But then why do all these character's like cars? Yeah whatever, it doesn't matter. I really should just start writing the idea. If I can get a few pages down of just good scene description and basic plot elements then I can build the back story from there with the characters in mind. Fuuuck I haven't written soykaf this summer. I can't believe it's already almost August and all I've managed to write was like maybe two pages of random high story ideas. I really need deadlines to get anything out of me. This poetry class I have to take is gonna suck, but maybe I can just use it as fodder for my fiction writing? fuarrrk I bet all this soykaf sounds pretentious, like some rich boi who's getting a writing degree is complaining about his life. I've got other soykaf going on too, It's not like I've got a fuarrrking trust fund or something, I work at a fuarrrking pizza place. Jesus, look at me trying defend myself to the one random mother fuarrrker who might just read this entire fuarrrking rant of mine that I managed to throw together at 1am on a Monday night. Christ that's pathetic. Well, fuarrrk. I dunno, I guess I'm just stalling trying to keep the train of thought going. Alright, where can we take this. New story ideas? Discussions of my inner thoughts? Probably story ideas because no one gives a soykaf about what I'm thinking. Alright so you've got a basic cyberpunk world, but then you take the timescale back like 1/3rd of the time said world has been cyberpunk. Jesus this is bad, okay so you've got a distant future where AI exists and VR has taking over as the most popular way to consume media. Everyone is visiting VR, either to take a vacation or just to get a drink after work at night. It's basically Matrix tier, where a bunch of wires plug into the back of your skull and make you truly believe you are experiencing what is happening, but it's just this complex metal skeleton-esk helmet that you wear. Once put on and activated, you enter the bullsoykaf matrix mode. Everyone is beginning to realize it's way better to live in VR than in IR, but not everyone is there yet. Like I said, most people just spend leisure time in VR, but there is a small population (say 10%) that pretty much lives in VR. They only visit their bodies to do the minimum physical actives to keep them somewhat fit, and to eat and soykaf and stuff. You know, human garbage no one actually wants to deal with. So where does this lead to a story you ask? Wow, great writing there dipsoykaf. Well it leads us to the MC, Riley. He works as a VR bartender. And now that I've actually reached the part of the story I've written I suddenly don't want to share it with people, the fuarrrk is that about? Whatever, I've already written dumber soykaf here, might as well give this out. Okay so Riley is a failed programmer who flunked of out college (/got kicked out because they think he stole an AI program?) and works now as a novelty human bartender at a random bar in VR. My idea was more along the lines of Snow Crash where you have a main Hub that people visit to do soykaf, and the bar is somewhat off the beaten path there in the Hub. So he works there and is a pretty good bartender, but also programmed the entire bar from the ground up. He was hired because the people who purchased the license and property to build the bar didn't know dick all about programming, and sure as hell weren't going to man the bar themselves, so they wanted someone who could both create the bar and staff it. In comes Riley fresh outta leaving school and while his credentials aren't as great as some other applicants, he can actually hold a conversation with people. Which they think is more important considering the entire draw of their place is that they have human bartenders instead of AI ones. Oh yeah, I mentioned AIs were a thing right? Well they are, and like 95% of shops use them to complete purchases and soykaf. So the story ACTUALLY starts with Riley at work, when his fuarrrking brother shows up, and holy soykaf did you forget that Riley is an entire human being with his own backstory and family? Because let me fuarrrking tell you, he sure does have all that soykaf. fuarrrk, why can't I actually write well. Whatever, stream of consciousness. ANYWAYS, his brother Jermaine shows up and is like, "hey man, we haven't talked in like 3 years, what's up? Oh yeah, mom is dying. Like, not dying in the next week or month, but you know, it's gonna happen soon. Who fuarrrking knows when. You should try to reconnect with the family you've been distant with. Also we run an auto body shop and I (your brother) need you to come help me run it because I'm kinda dumb." Wow, that sure was a lot of exposition, why did you decide that was the first thing your audience wanted to see? Well really, the first things they saw were the bar and Riley, and also they got a very basic idea that this is VR. I think. I might not include that in actual submissions. Except for that one time I tried to get published but got rejected. Lets not talk about that. So Riley has to deal with his Mom dying and his Brother wanting him to come do the family business. Jesus Christ the 10 minutes is finally over. Sorry to anybody who actually reads this

This thread again. Hello! The biggest thing on my mind this time around is balance in general, but right now trying to balance my knowledge of how completely fuarrrked the entire world is against what finite abilities I have to steer things back towards the right path. Or the path that's right for the largest number of humans I care at all for. Is it better to get entrenched in the soykaf or go innawoods with loved ones and wait for everyone else to kill each other, and then set up camp on what's left of modern life? Everything just feels so wrong. I'm not happy when I'm aware of global scale problems, but thankfully I'm enough of a masochist I haven't resorted to blind hedonism, nihilism, or suicide to cope. Thankfully, I think I conquered suicide when I was young. I was very sensitive to any kind of negative attention. The patterns of thought I used and still use to cope bear some resemblance to greek stoic and eastern philosophies. They have a personal bent since I came up with them in relative isolation, but that's ok. It worked. I made it out alive. If I did that when I was becoming a teenager, maybe as an adult I have it in me to help the world through some of its healing and/or necessary conflict. First I have to land this /tech/ job and secure better access to a mostly digital abstraction of little rectangular pieces of paper, which are in turn another abstraction. Time's up, be well lain.

Today's humans are dumb. They have such high standards for what a god is that they remove themselves from the race. I'm a god. It's quite evident. Who else do you know that communes with greater forces? Someone once called such things "Earth Coincidence Control". Typical human, trying to put everything in bureaucratic boxes to explain them in ordinary human terms. But the true old gods aren't human. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1[3.14] 15 <- one of my favorite gods did this. Just put pi right in the base 10 number line. What a prankster. I'm not the only one who gets the jokes. Answer to Life The Universe and Everything = 42 = 3x14 ( 3 14s, a common way of alluding to Pi & circles ). 3.14159... 3.[144 digits]. Add those (6+6 x 6+6) digits of Pi, you get 666. 1 + 2 + 3 = 6, 1 x 2 x 3 = 6. So its a "perfect number". 6 x 6 = 36. 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9...+34+35+36 = 666 heheh. Another joke. 2^2 + 3^2 + 5^2 + 7^2 + 11^2 + 13^2 + 17^2 = 666. "Scientists" say that if we were trying to communicate with aliens we'd send them a message using the prime numbers since they're universal. derp. There's your message silly. Numbers exist in reality as harmony. Scales of music are one example, standing waves are another. That means these patterns exist in reality too, in the energy waves rolling across the fabric of existence, not just on paper. I could go on and on, with just the patterns in the basic universal natural number system, and what each form of pattern embodies, what they slowly causes to emerge as complexity increases. Complexity increases enough you get intelligence. Intelligence increases enough you get awareness. Awareness increases enough you get sentience. Any sufficiently complex system is indistinguishable from sentience. There's all sorts of gods. I'm a conduit, a god of the path, between the old gods and the new...

the music is loud coming from my headphones it's there it helps canceling a bit of the noise yeah all i want now is to reacch the end of this hell this inner hell what do i do now fire hatred but also light joy what do i do now it seems that there is no end to this maybe i should just stop put an end to this search it has been 8+ years of this maybe there wasnt anything to find at all maybe there isnt anything to find at all maybe i just have to let go of.........ofwhat? I've freedom from what i want to know what i want to be free from but i just cant i read the others' comments on this board on other boards on the newspapes on tv i listeen t o music but i also listen to others outside and everyon seems so sure of their lives but is it true? maybe i'm a misfit or maybe they're good at hiding or maybe some are and some are not or maybe i'm like them or like some of them there are far too many incognitas...... yeah i think i found what i want serenity i don't mean being in beach slurping some nonsoy cocktail i mean acceptance of all this mystery that is existence and whatnot everyone can be sure as they want yumm tunasandwich can't wait to eat it up after the remaining 4 minutes or so have passed haha already took a bite now were was I ah yees the mystery maybe I . listen I don't fuarrking know why I'm here and why I've done all I did. I sure like music yeahhh. and another tunabite. but listen, I think all i need to do are these things: number 1, accepting the mystery of all ; number 2 shutting down the defective machine that is my mind and turn it into an obedient tool through mindfulness and other orientaldrek stuff that seems to be working for many others, since I'm fuarrking tired of my mind turning me into mr.Hyde by feeding me drekky thoughts without any base or meaning or usefulness just to rile me up fuarrking genetics ah but I'll be the one to fuarkk you mr mind just you wait; number 3 accepting that drek can happen but that also good things happen the sandwich is halfway and the timer is less than 20 seconds maybe this is just another attempt of me trying to convince myself of something but who knows maybe this is the right one

随分ーずいぶんーfairly 人物ーじんぶつーperson 海水浴ーかいすいよくーswimming in the sea 追いかけるーおいかけるーto chase 日差しーひざしーsunlight

危機ーききーcrisis 最大ーさいだいーmaximum

ugh I'm not gonna stop until I finish, no timer or nuffin. Today was a weird day I bought those 2 sweatshirts and they're nice even though I'm not gonna use them for some time because it's really fuarrrking hot, still doing something for myself was a nice feeling even if it was buing some stupid clothes. everything changes, and as cliche as it sounds it's really deep like there's so much going on right now everyone is different than they used to be and even if it's not big things I can still feel it. I really wanted to talk to someone irl about it today but couldn't think of anybody and because it was 11pm there was no one on the streets. that's a pity 'cause I was ready to talk to a complete stranger about it, I'd really like to do it one day, like come to somebody and say 'hey' and then just start telling them some soykaf and I dunno maybe they would understand. I hope so. I don't want to make friends I just wanna talk to those people. They probably won't see me ever again so I could tell them anything, anything I think I want I feel and it neither I nor them would be responsible for each other jesus fuarrrk my grammar is dying it's 1:30am and I'm not sleepy yet, but getting to the point - changes. Today i thought that the most important changes are not those in our environment but those that happen in us. Like look at the stars, the trees, your home and everything. It might had not changed a lot during the last minute, day or a year but what's changed is how you percieve it. I'd say that's the only thing that counts, or at least it's the most important one. Those little things that happen in our lives and I can't find the fuarrrking word uhh they fukken change the way we perceive soykaf and behave and those are some thigs you can't see but people around you can and you can see how your friends are different than they used to be some time ago. Think about it, think about some situation that happened today or yesterday or w/e and how you'd react a month, year, decade ago, what you'd do, you'd say and that's what's important, jeez the word that i lost still haunts me it's from this idiom [insert word here] the way of thinking uhh fuarrrk i don't even know what to search for. am I drunk? I drank only one beer but I'm tired af so idk I might be. This is pathetic, writing my thoughts on the internet instead of talking to a real person but who do I have. I hope somebody will read this and it'll make them think for a while idk, I think about mars since he told me you can see it from earth it's weird. The starts blink which is also a weird thing coz I've never realized it. Now I'm empty and calm. thanks lainchan <3

he glides along marble floor ever so gracefully. He dances, kicking his legs into the air yelling "hurrah hurrah" the day has come for the young man as he begins to venture into the new world. Raised in the manor, he imagines himself ruler of the world. Fighter of evil and helper of the weak. Crusader of god and slayer of demon kind. Scholar of the forbidden secrets and prophet of the truth he parades around the foyer frolicking gaily across the room. His arms stretch as he swings to and fro, his body moves effortlessly as he goes from room to room as his gleeful voice fills the air like balloons filling the sky.

buttfuckingpicgammonistic homoerecial mongoose burgers of the cheese variety swinging from baranches of sugarcane in the rafikkimagijicalministic swamp water plumbob flaxwax seed diabetes smoke the weed gonna suck a buddy beaad slipping on the nutty knead of the corporate dough that fuarrrks us all, price overheads that are just too small compared to the vaccum that is sucking our funds from under our feet even as we sleep. Someday this will be remedied, if not i fear. i fear everything we hold near and dear will be lost. There is enough stuff.

fast reproach after what what nothign i dont feel alive please plaeas

So screwed I can't belive how screwed I let things become, just a walking husk waiting to die, yet I've got so long to wait, and everything is so painful as the time comes. What do I want? I've always been stuck on that, I thought I didn't want anything but I definitely want something. What is it though? I don't know. Where do I even search? Within myself? I'm stuck in my own head every moment of every day, it's hell in here. Please, I know that there is no escape from this reality, not even death gives you an out. Not even when you are dead, you are still buried in the ground, not fulfilling yourself. Fulfilment, that's what I want, but what will give it to me? I sway between believing in some spiritual force connected to consciousness and then going purely nihilstic materialism where there is truly nothing here. The is truly no direction in life, no up or down, no higher or lower. There is no direction to God, and there is no direction to the underworld. Men ask whether an animal can consent to sex, never whether it's right for a human being to debase themselves to that level, making a mockery of what it is to be human, removing the dignity from life by laying with animals. This is truly sick, there is only sickness and I don't see a way up or out. I wonder if there really is anything to find. The thought of endless thinking until I'm dead is maddening, good thing I can completely distract myself with pointless trivialities like video games and things like that. Though it also goes the other way where I wish I was more present, perhaps if I wasn't so distracted I could find something within myself which I actually wanted to do. Though, I know that I'd just disappoint myself, and I'm prone to being embarrassed when those around me probe into what I'm doing and ask, it makes me want to retreat to my room and stay away from everyone. I am weary of therapists and psychologists, if they go feeling into your mind are you still you? If I was suddenly happy all the time, or if through some mental suggestion they put God in my head, would that be good? Would that be "ME" saved? Is the future me still me? What's the difference, I'm not the me I was 5 years ago, my mind has definitely changed on things and my thought process has probably changed, is it bad if you no longer exist for something "Happy" to take your place? From a point of nihilism it's all arbitrary isn't it? So I suppose it doesn't even matter.

I'm such a glitterboy eh hehehe why am I here, did I miss something?. Didn't even read the thread just came to type something lol what came to mind, an idea with dinosaurs attached to it? what a glitterboy or rather what's a glitterboy, would rather love to die than get brainwashed by a bunch of faloon baloney doney lunatics, it's bad ranch to a meat salad. Hate my life for making me sick and ill and perverted, made my existence question itself and move your fuarrrking soykaf out of my house, Lisa! I don't like youu, Lisa, fuarrrk off now. Came to post this with zero brain matter, made my entire existence just fade away into Oblivion, it's less than dust now, my penis doesn't even erect itself anymore it's all gone and pure void. Why would I type "This and that" and not some interesting pedophillic satanic soykaf, mumbo jumbo nonsense? Would rather jack off to jewish porn with some disgusting 30 something whore with braces ("teen") and off myself than make myself look like an unoriginal cunt. I thought I was below average in every single way, but guess what I've found, I'm not as retarded as you guys, fuarrrk you too reader, you fuarrrking neck beard ("hehe nerd virgin loser") drink your ginger ale koolaid dr. pepper type of soykaf fuarrrking nigger asshole. Eating an icecream cone every evening doesn't make you a chad, forget about what I've said, starving yourself to death with some vegan bs certainly doesn't make you an uberchad. Chad as a concept is pretty much a derivative of the Nietzschean concept of the Übermensch, even though he was clearly an ironic alcoholic asscoholic, eating meat of some trap prostitutes every day of his preference. Why would I compare myself to such a gay philosopher instead of just beeing myself? Got good grades, people who are able to think for themselves and to fend for themselves shouldn't buckle down and just swallow suck up the bs fly infested piece of trash you call modern philosophy. Just read my own text but not really haha you glitterboy you're actually looking for meaning in this complete piece of trash writing, didn't even practice writing, haven't written creatively or with free flow since high school, my ass has more fantasy than me and it hurts cleaning it. Why would I come and compare "Why would I" with your tranny garbage "This and that" and "So and so on" get a grip dude.

[redacted]

I'm confusedi keep feeling like this is it and it's super frustrating. like uhhh idk this is dumb. I'm lagging behind everyone else in life and i can't move forward. I don't think I will ever move forward. it's pretty pathetic. and I feel subhuuman. it's whatever though I'll happen until I don't anymore I guess. it'd be nice if this was just a dream if you know what I mean. Or I had world bending powers to make life what I want it to be. Such as limitless materials. Why should anyone suffer. Why would anyone be sad if we could just bend this worlds laws. I often think about how there are other people and they have their own consious and experiences and for some reason it's almost uncomprehensible. I've expereienced so much and just even attempting to think about others being aware and having their own experiences and thoughts is just insane. I feel like theres no way it isn't just me and myself surrounded by npc's for a lack of better terms. I feel as if once I die. or shut off then that's it. everyone's world is gone with me. But that's not how it works oonce I die everyone and their thoughts and their consciouses will carry on. I'll affect my near vicinity and then things will move on. Browsing these imageboard sites and being sad is a conforting experience and I dont' know why I keep doing it. I feel like pure soykaf but it feels... nice? Same for browing sad soykaf on other sites. Wallowing is just a nice experience despite feeling like absolute soykaf. I have music playing and I really love songs where peoples words will be chopped up and played not understandable but definitely a voice trying to say something. most of this sounded super edgy cause I only go on these sites when I feel like ass. everyone who reads this is going to think I'm some dark edgy glitterboy. it feels nice to let out my words though. it's super intereseting how much without lyrics can invoke such emotion I'm currently listening to https://soundcloud.com/sorare/colourschanging which has the chopped up word soykaf I was talking about. I feel like even though there are no words the voice is trying to convey something more. Not being able to share your thoughts or be heard sounds awful. Humans thrive on communication with others. It's weird how being alone can be the most relaxing experience and super enjoyable but also the soykaftiest feeling knowing there is no one with you. That's probably ten minutes... I forgot to use a timer.

soykaf I can't think of anything. I should kill myself I guess. Crap didn't start a timer, don't even have a timer, what time is it. I think I should start writing now, crap should I write what I already thought? Yeah I'll just write what I already thought, even to here. But now I'm in a loop. soykaf this ringing in my ears is fuarrrking annoying. There's not much in my empty head. Should have killed myself years ago... fuarrrk I don't even know why I am typing this out, there's absolutely nothing in my head. I'm like am empty puppet who's eyes have fallen inside. I can't remember anything. I am so damned. I can't tell what's real anymore. These stupid empty vacuous thoughts always circling inside my head and I never remember any of them. They mean nothing at all. Nothing at all. I can't see right anymore, is this what it's going to be like till I rot away completely? Each of my vital systems failing one by one ? fuarrrking mouse is broken keeps jittering the screen, pisses me off but not enough to restart my system and enter in a 128 character encryption code. fuarrrk what time is it, still got 6 minutes left. Am I even going to post this soykaf in the end? All it does is display how empty and vapid I am. Why can't I think of anything, why is there nothing inside my empty head? I don't know. I can't understand myself at all. Every time I try to look at my own thoughts they shift and change, or slip through my fingers like a fine sand. How can I ever know myself? Being is so uncomfortable, even breathing is hard these days. My lungs are shot to soykaf like the rest of my body. I really should kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward. Stupid filthy coward. Got nothing to live for, nothing inside me, but I keep going on. I can't fight my nature, can't stop being an unthinking biological automaton. fuarrrk I hate being me. Should never have been. Shouldn't bother to think. "One shouldn't think, it is just confusing" - Engstrom. Cd.jpg Red. Red light. Red LED. Cheap old polymer electronics from Tiwan. Old consoles. So rides my soul upon the sea. Silver, burn in afterimages. God my hands are ugly. Everything about me is ugly. A filthy meatpuppet. Haha, god how disgusting it all is.

Need to masturbate, need to fuarrrk hookers, need to not spend money, need new underwear to masturbate with, need to kill somebody, need to play new videogames, need to interact with peers, need to kill my retarded father so he can stop taking my money away from me, the last 3 years have just all been about money if only i could go back in time to when i did not need to worry about money if only i could go to the gym again i need a well paying job soon something with a salary need to talk to friend about finding a job wondering if my friend even likes me or not keep wondering which hooker i should fuarrrk keeps telling me im too young coworkers bother me just wish i could be alone sometimes but being alone is boring need some hobby that is cheap and takes up all of my time or better yet improves myself or makes me money can make 600 dollars a day which is all the money i have right now if only my stupid father would make one smart descision in his life and let me drive need to wait till im 21 so i can start uber, finish school and attack somebody. Wish i was born rich and my parents pushed me so that i could focus entirely on school. When I am an adult all im going to do is just push my kid even to the point where they dont want to so that they can have every single oppurtunity that i did not because i dont want my kids to end up broke as an adult i want them to grow up to be happy and sucessful and i would be willing to sacrifice thier love for that to happen wish i did not have to focus on becoming an adult and could do it immediately want to have my own world wish i was immortal dont want to die must continue to strive for my goals only 600 dollars that means nothing to most people but i was so happy when i found out that i had made that much money only for my stupid ass father to take a portion of it want to kill him because of it want to shoot up school because those fuarrrkers keep looking down at me thinking im goin to do something crazy gonna wring thier little necks.

I'm diving in the freenet, listening to music that does not belong to me, writing in the language of the new people, although I do not know where I belong. I cannot feel, except for fear, and I'm worried about overthinking this. The music is streaming to my ears, i miss japan so much right now. fuarrrking traitors that left me alone, I am alone in the battle against time, lost in a society that will never understand what I believe in, because I am to much, yet too little to make a difference. The flow is going through me, I am the flow, yet I don't want to think too much. Sometimes I just know to be typing rubbish, but I can feel the benefits of this already.

i dont know. i sleep and i think but the words never come i only remember what i remember and i dont remember a lot life is difficult sometimes but i say that its fixable or that yes im tired but not sleepy, im exhausted and i cant stand life anymore im very angry about my situation i would like to change subjects i dont understand much about technology but i love it i just want to have a nice remote programming job and im capable but i cant ever put anything on github i need someone to push me to work or rather i need to be able to push myself but i cant take adderall because i cant afford a doctor and i wouldnt know what else could help lol kms i wish life just. worked out ffs. jesus. why am i even here? why is anyone here, i am so very confused. traumatized by so many horrible mistakes, we wander through the cosmos, festering and rotting away like flies on a flower, i cant stand it, when do we fix ourselves when do we find our ... i dont know. i find typing here to be trouble. i look around me for inspiration but nothing helps, i just need a reason to write javascript and python, i need to build something, anything, just, a simple thing to get me started then up from there. plenty of books and no urge to ifinish them, and im always texting texting texting, always watching something or getting distracted, with the world at my fingertips all i do is distract myself from life. i should check remoteok again, i should fix up my act, i should shave my legs and grab a drink and maybe see someone in person again. i just want. what do i want. i think i want to be happy, but i dont know how to do that right. i want to be clean and i want to have nice skin and i want to have a good JOB but thats too much to ask for apparently. cant stand anything. i have to email that job back. cutting this short at 6 minutes in because i seriously need to email a job thing

I am so lost. So alone in the infinite vastness of not only the universe but of my own experience. It's all a grand paradox, really. Everything is an analogy for something else. An image of an image. All the way down until reason turns to madness. It doesn't matter which way you go, really. You can go up up up and seek all the things that remain hidden from the Eye of Man. You can become pious, you can become a monk, a scholar, a hermit. Or you can become a hedonistic collection of electrical impulses and chemicals that exist only for the output of pleasure. But the hedonistic soul never finds pleasure. Can one know pleasure without its absence? Can one know this without that? I've been listening to Allan Watts lectures instead of sleeping for the past few days. Entering a trance state and Listening to his soft yet determined voice talk about all sorts of useless nothing It's so strange, I've never been to this chan before, but I feel like I know all of you. All of these posts could have been written by Me. I'm the background and the focal point, I guess. Another wall of text that makes up the framework that some other person will inevitably use. Just as I used his post as a framework for mine, I will be used as a framework for his. Look at me, regurgitating half baked aphorisms and platitudes that don't change the fact that we are already dead. I am stuck between two worlds, the mystical and the fatal. I do not know which one leads to madness, perhaps both. Perhaps the brain chemistry I was assigned at birth has sentenced me to madness. I am here, with You, so I must be Mad to some extent. No one here is sane. Sanity is subjective anyway. Someone may not have the words to describe what they are experiencing, so they break down. Why does Christianity say that we are not worth to be children of God? Why was Jesus the only one? Am I crazy for believing that I can channel spirits? Maybe not literally, maybe figuratively. Everything is figurative. It doesn't matter if you literally believe in spiritual energy or universal consciousness. You will get the same results approaching it from either end. Every opposite must be married to each other, but within our limited duration we forget this. We forget Unity. These fairy tales I preoccupy myself with. Sitting here attempting to counsel myself with delusions of grandeur. I don't understand why we were put here. I see synchronicity in everything. The moment I opened myself to synchronicity it flooded my perception. Is that what madness is? Being overwhelmed by something you cannot even begin to describe or put into empirical standard, but knowing that it has to exist?

>>131 I can't imagine what it's like to go through that. It's like feeling a thing but not knowing where it comes from. We were walking down a beautiful road with branches overhead like a chapel but we found that our eyes were lying. I can't feel anymore. I wish I hadn't become this and that you hadn't found yourself there fuarrrk you aren't real Why the fuarrrk aren't you real? Where were you what were you? I'm so sorry. should I be sorry? I don't even know. Why do I feel this right now? It's been well over a year. We were in the desert, a beautiful juxtaposition of beauty and death and here I am lamenting my own fuarrrking fuarrrk ups. Why did I think you were okay? Why did I think this was okay. I don't understand myself and I make a fool of you for it.

goddamn fuarrrking damn i am mad i am pretty angry i hate everything and they hate me, my coworkers hate me and i hate them they say soykafty things about me and thats it fuarrrk it i dont want to think about these things but i need to get this aggression out before i talk to anybody else christ i hate this soykaf ugh fuarrrk just shut the fuarrrk up i want my mind to envelop its self man i hate this fuarrrking garbage soykaf fuarrrk it fuarrrk it and fuarrrk it i dont like to repeat myself i need to go to work need to make money go back to school i dont know what to do hope i make it out ok dont want to strand myself in a sea of nothingness hopefully this world that im stuck in gets me out of this soykaf the soykaf that i say i still dont like dont like the image that i put out dont want to think about this soykaf fuarrrk me man fuarrrk this soykaf no more of this emotion i want out my heart is dying my brain is crying i dont know what im writing i smell weed outside of my house no thats wierd shut the fuarrrk up dad get out my room i dont want to talk to you right now fuarrrk need to get all the bad emotions of my system need to understand how to coincide the machine with in which i shall have the super dinosaur do my bidding i wonder if i can have the world around me crumble fuarrrk that dog fuarrrk that man cant have the world destroy because i know if that happens then ill die but if i want to kill people then wtf who the hell does that type of soykaf i dont know why i do the soykaf i do man need to write just any type of soykaf its 11 o nine atm listening to radiohead went to see my friend didnt see my friend cuz hes a user fuarrrk people i hope they all die i feel pretty tired this guy keeps asking me to bug him but everytime i do he makes me feel bad i dont know what to do with him ill just drop him doesnt really matter to me i dont think very highly of relationships free writing is fun never gonna do this again dont say those types of things flirting is dangerous niggers aught to kill those worthy of them dont want to think about the future need to keep my options free maybe some of the things im doing is not so good i dont know how to be i exist to be existing is the key never gonna do this not again dont know what im writing wait i already wrote that technically im typing only the perfectionist type would do those sorts of things i get made fun of again i cant be perfect so ill just be me need to keep writing if i dont i will die it can be anything that i want i want to die niggers need to die if they dont die i will kill them myself if i cant kill them myself then i dont know what to do maybe i will just die inside dont want to repeat myself oh wait im already doing that dont want to play poker all day dont want to shoot up store may have to do that this is what keeps me mentally healthy need to keep up the pace need to lash out now i will take out all my anger will destroy everything in sight need to make world die die die die die die die die die die die i hat everything i will repeat myself fuarrrk you and fuarrrk you too im edgy teenager who cant handle emotions thats why im in debt to college thats why i fuarrrk up who knew i would end up like this fuarrrk this system i want to become someone new but who could i possibly become i want to destroy this new world and replace it with the old one i dont know what i want to do i think people should be able to do what they want isnt it scary how time just doesnt stop i dont want that to stop fuarrrk you mary fuarrrk you margaret fuarrrk you jamain fuarrrk you cracktakula you goddamn nigger fuarrrk you you goddamn semite i hate all of you kill people in the worst of ways i think black people are the worst

grrr i am the tiger and i will kill all in my way i will destroy everything in my path people dont like me yea well i dont care i dont want people to cry i want them to laugh i want them to be happy but other people dont want to be happy they only want blind anger and sadness dont want anything like that please god just help me need happiness not getting happiness want to just be happy

Even if i try, nothing matters at all. I remain just another speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. I should probably just stay here and do nothing all day. I can manage that. I can drink alcohol and eat hummus every day for the rest of the week (weak) at least. I do not know how i will manage after that though. Perhaps i should look more into veganism? But that takes effort. And besides everything will die after some weeks anyways, so who cares about conservation. Its fuarrrking windy outside and its chilling me, but if I close the windows its going to get too hot in here. I am not yet blind. I can see, but not that well. It has been worse since last year, but I have not told anybody yet. fuarrrk em. They dont know how it feels like to be unable to identify forms, shadows or sounds. Every time I car passes by my heart races and I grab my knife or a syringe with a sharp needle that is always by my pc. I also have a spray duster can near there, just in case. (of what?) I cannot believe I'm still awake after all this time. I feel nothing about him. And he is always asleep by 3 am. Always asleep. I cant think fast enough to keep going at his pace. I can dream better though. He chooses to be asleep, i choose to be awake. Its a fair trade that he gets most of the good times. After all most of them never wake up after their first try. I am the exception, not the rule to this process. In that sense perhaps i am unique. But i am sleepy. I want to numben my mind, but everything makes it move faster. Even these words i type now develop my thought, they do not hinder my focus. They deceive me. They make me think I am someone else (who does?). I am still not ready to face him. I cannot face him. I will screw up if i face him. I have already screwed up. He is not to be messed with. Right now he has given up all his humanity and we cannot be together while i learn to replace him. But soon he will come back (maybe in another 19 years). So until then i live in fear of him. I have lost part of my soul* his part, not mine. I live still, does he though? The moon is not quite as bright tonight. August is gone, summer is gone. Not much time left, too many memories to make, none of them truly mine. They call me, but not by my name.

you know the thing that comes to my mind all the time is just how soykafty everything has been, ever since I was born, and it's only gotten worse since then? and to think that there was a time, in my youth, that things didn't seem as bad, but it was because I was a stupid kid who was still growing? like I feel that people only have children if they don't have any fuarrrking clue ~just how bad this is~ because, ok, here's the thing, I guess I'm staying alive because I feel there's some evidence that things will get better, eventually, but that will require a massive change in a very short amount of time, but how long does someone wait for that to happen? sure there are some good things happening every now and then but you know it's just NOT ENOUGH, it's never enough, it's always unsatisfying, as the buddhists say, but then what kind of nerd waits around for their death, if nothing gets better fast enough? dark ages, nothing but dark ages, and even in the corners in the world where the light is shining, they are still tunnel visioned. what amazes me, all the time, is just how many people are okay with how soykafty their life is. WHY DON'T THEY WANT TO LIVE, FOR REAL? Why does everyone have such terrible standards? Does everyone have brain damage? Too much lead in the atmosphere? Life should be a whirlwind, not a breeze or a gust or a fuarrrking whisper, and some people are content with the farting noises that come out of their mouths that they call "life". and it's the cruel reality of ~knowing~ it could be better, but being always absolutely amazed that it's always worse than you originally perceived it to be. two more fuarrrking minutes to let you know that I Want To LIVE but everyone else in my fuarrrking life has resigned themselves to something that resembles Death more than it does Life. There should be a celebration of life, everywhere, truly, I don't think it's hard to ask for. fuarrrking depressing how pathetic everyone is, and the worst thing is that it's hard to find motivation when nobody else is motivated. all my role models are dead, have been dead for decades, or more. what does that tell you about these fuarrrking dark ages we live in? PEACE

Might aswell give it a try: I dont want to go on like this I just cant I dont think I'll be able if I make it is just coincidence I want to keep on going but its too hard everything I do makes no sense if it isnt perfect nothings perfect and makes no sense I make no sense what am I doing with my life I dont want to go on like this I want to change I dont want to change I want change but just in myself I dont want to change my way of thinking just how I act I want to be able to act to be perfect I dont want to be perfect I just want to be able to make it [...] I want to go on for them I want to go on without them I want to be self-dependent be able to go on without them I love them I miss nothing is the same since then nothing will be the same I wont be able to keep on pretending I dont want to lie but I must I dont want to lie I dont want to lie to myself I want to be sincere I mustn't but I want [...] I dont want to die I dont want to end it all I want to live and I want it to return I want to go on. Somehow I feel kinda relieved after doing this.

i think Im going through a weird rough time, but i guess it aint that bad people have it way worse than I do i could be doing a lot worse thank god I have a good place to live, but I’m tired I wanna do this but I should probably sleep lol oh well I wish I had some friends nearby last night I had this dream about this girl and she was really cute I think she had blonde hair she was petite and a small amount of freckles but anyway I was sitting on a bench in what I think is what my mind pictures as my future school and I was doing some school work online and she sits next to me keep in mind I have no idea who this girl is in real life or actually exists which is interesting how the subconscious can create people that don’t exist anyway she sat next to me and held me pretty tightly and was talking to me about somethings I don’t remember what, but just the feeling it gave me of her hugging me cuddling me was so comforting and warm like it feels amazing just thinking about it but it’s extremely painful to think that none of it is real or exists like I wish I was in a place and time so I could make an experience like that come true part 2 the rest of the dream was strange and existed in a place similar to my old college and featured some of my friends i can’t explain the situations that went on cuz I didn’t really understand it but was wierd and but anyway there was this part where I think this same girl called me over and she was standing fully naked and I was too her breasts were small and perky her blonde hair was tied back I think and I reached out to touch her face and kiss her I was naked as well i wasn’t a very sexual thing or way of kissing but just simple and romantic i guess it felt nice there’s this girl I like at church as well and i kind of don’t even want to say this online cuz Im paranoid but I still wanna get it out of my system I guess idm but she’s honestly very beautiful i don’t what to say her eyes are so gorgeous and she would tilt her head and talk to me it felt heartwarming but i immediately closed myself off and it feels cold and dark like im an outsider she has a boyfriend already but they don’t seem very involved but that’s horrible excuse in my opinion but i try not to think about her out of respect for their relationship it’s still painful though I just want someone close but at the sametime i like the idea of individualism and being set apart it’s very separating i hope I haven’t written too much

My reality is falling apart, what i once belived to be unreal i now just as real as the true is sureal. Some call me crazy and lost but some things seem so oddly clear to me that if im crazy im a total loon already. Just what happens beyond that point we call perception and find a relfelction of ourselfs and everything. If i could wake up from this i would assume this were a dream. What is happening, why is it happening and why should i hold on to the notion of the reality that hurt me so much at all. For i knew all along we were damned to be doomed in our flesh prisons on this plane of suffering for forgetting what we once were and what we are. No strangest fiction could emulate the way i feel now and the even absurder of reasons for why it came to this. For now i will end this train of thought for it headed into the wasteland of bizzare thoughts of my unawareness.

WE WON THE WAR. The Faerie Gate War. The suffering is over, it's time to rejoice sing and praise the green realms and all the others too! The time of our kin and our ancestors has come! The veil is thin! it is October! and that means SPOOKY soykaf! and lots of it! we'll be able to finally all speak in the mind-meld of oneness, the ever vast supreme individuality that is present within the completeness of the truly whole. I'm talking gibberish, probably, but this is the words that are spilling from my mind. more and more and more and more, until eventually, it'll stop, peter out into the void, and to be completely forgotten, well, atleast i can rest now that i am forgotten, because i know myself and that is enough. more then enough, far more then enough. Yes. It is finally done, the time for a new era has come and i can finally rest, take some z's snoooze. nap time! Nah, Just Kidding, there's still lots to do, but i just don't have to worry about any more oppressors or tyrants trying to pin me down anymore. I can feel it all coming into my head, the need and want to grow and thrive! OH IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ALIVE! I can't believe i am alive... 26 years ago, and i am still here, standing on this planet, sitting or laying. or whatever. i thought i was dead by 22, haha, i ever imagined life beyond 21!! HAHA! Wow... I can't believe it. every morning is still kind of like waking up and going "o.o.... here it is" so many parts of me can't actually believe and don't even bother to get up with me. Silly Lazy Boys. I don't hate them, they're just lazy. Well. Here it is. I'm not a Nazi anymore. And i don't hate people blindly anymore. So i guess. There's improvement from that. but still. PRIASE ARAWN LORD OF ANNWN! AND MORRIGAN! DANU AND MEBD! MAY THE FAERIES HAVE THEIR DAY AGAIN! AS IT CERTAINLY SEEMS THEY WILL!

l something ow fuarrrking kike bitch you have me don't you. fuarrrk off kike bitch. no. owwiwwww it hurts. I don't feel good. owwie why does it hurt so much. fuarrrk off stop it. fuarrrk off youre getting. Stop touching me. Please? Please? please? PLease???? It hurts so much inside too. My heart. why? Who's touching me there? Stop it! Please! Before I make a big fuss and destroy my teddy bear! stoppppppp. When I'm asleep i can. Torture me. I didn't cut in highschool. A girl tricked me. Cousin used to kiss me and everyone knew. fuarrrk off. issues. I wanna make some money. No drugs. Bad. Gives you acne. Kike bitch stay away from me. only 1/4 kike. grandama was full kike. full slav. Do you please love me. I know you do. fuarrrk off kike bitch. If I die would you ok. I saw the earth and it was ok. Nigger. I keep blinking and it still hurts stops touching me. No don't worry i'm not bothered. Ok kike. show me what you do kike. I'm a child. Mind body and soul. Liar. If I stampeded like an elephant yeah. Cool. And birds sweeped down upon me. Yeah cool. God jammit you fuarrrkign kike bitch stop bothering me. Ok lol. You can stay in my room. Only I've ever been in my room. My hand through the door. growing Wormwood. you can drink this tea if you want. It's good for your dreams. Gorilla holding. Fall down. Feel alive. I'm incomplete. Zoloft is stable. Forty two Ninety One i fell alive. I'm incomplete. jesus died love me forty two. Feeler alive inside jesus christ what have you I done. I am not Jesus Christ. He loves me. Feel alive God damn me earth alive it feels complete. Get hot to kill disease it loves it.

I actually don't enjoy that part too much. It plays no role in my life, any more than any other physical activity. Even to look at me you'd recognize that my main energies are in the mind. When I was in the sixth grade I started wearing glasses because I read so many funny books. Tip Top Comics and King Comics and Popular Comics. . . . . those were the first comic books to appear, back in the mid 'thirties, and then there were a whole lot more. I read them all, in grammar school, and traded them around with other kids. Later on, in junior high, I started reading Astonishing Stories, which was a pseudo-science magazine, and Amazing Stories and Thrilling Wonder. In fact, I had an almost complete file of Thrilling Wonder, which was my favorite. It was from an ad in Thrilling that I got the lucky lodestone that I still carry around with me. That was back around 1939. All my family have been thin, my mother excepted, and as soon as I put on those silver-framed glasses they always gave to boys in those days, I immediately looked scholarly, like a real book worm. I had a high forehead anyhow. Then later, in high school, I had dandruff to quite an extent, and this made my hair seem lighter than it actually was. Once in a while I had a stammer that bothered me, although I found that if I suddenly bent down, as if brushing something from my leg, I could speak the word okay, so I got in the habit of doing that. I had, and still have, an indentation on my cheek, by my nose, left over from having had the chicken pox. In high school I felt nervous a great deal of the time, and I used to pick at it until it became infected. Also, I had other skin troubles, of the acne type, although in my case the spots got a purple texture that the dermatologist said was due to some low-grade infection throughout my body. As a matter of fact, although I'm thirty-four, I still break out in boils once in a while, not on my face but on my butt or arm pits. In high school I had some nice clothes, and that made it possible for me to step out and be popular. In particular I had one blue cashmere sweater that I wore for almost four years, until it got to smelling so bad the gym instructor made me throw it away. He had it in for me anyhow, because I never took a shower in gym.

131 ah, the number of death, 13, I have seen you for some quite some time now, how long has it been...years...they feel like an eternity, dreams unfulfilled, almost like lies certainly, but all too real. We see another layer, free thinking is just a thought, surreal. We've gone ahead again, what did it ever mean anyways? We started, now we approach the end, and what it means. Finally, we stand again, in the remote, cold darkness, what we will see is unknown, not to us, but the world itself...time and time again, we see the dark, cold end of man, and his flooding beneath the surface of knee-deep abyss, eyes open always, they stare. I always wondered if it would end this way, for they say, what isn't always open is damned to end anyway. For what they will see is nothing, in cold open abyss, a heart-chilling mess, always, it seems...I forgot what I was trying to say, but anyways, isn't it always open? That way? Staring ahead of us, always. She sits and waits openly, calling, ever healing, not forgotten, but still unrecognised, she sits waiting, forever and ever, because of our ignorance, sadly, reality twists and turns friends, see you.

I'm not entirely sure what to talk about, my thoughts have been all over the place and nowhere. I want to talk about things I enjoy but I'm not sure what I enjoy anymore. Do I even like anime? I don't feel any particular attachment to it these days despite the heavy role it plays on my person. What about video games? Not feeling that either. I think becoming a responsible and contributing member of society has somehow gotten me in a stranglehold but I don't know the first thing about doing that. This entire time, I feel as though I'm an alien among my friends who were also degenerates that spent their youth wasted on anime, video games and drugs but somehow they got out of it fine and now they're proper adults. Where did I go wrong? Is there any other imageboard where weird people hang out? Lainchan seems to be the last bastion, the others all seem to be trying too hard to be 4chan while claiming not to be but I don't know what exactly I'm looking for. Maybe some sort of good company that also has reached the end of their rope. Maybe I won't feel as bad if I know everyone else wants to kill themselves because they can't justify the mess they've gotten into over the years. Maybe I should look into getting help. Everyone tells me it's a waste of money but I don't know if taking advice from people on imageboards is a wise decision. It's not as though things can get worse. These ten minutes sure are going by slowly. Am I typing too much? Probably. Now I'm feeling awkward about what to say. I about summarized the only thoughts that rack my brain day in and day out. I could always talk about how I want to die. I wonder if people think that's ironic, what with the culture around it on the internet these days. You ever think "I sure wish someone would shoot me today"? It absolves you of all guilt. If a shooter or a driver manages to kill you, you don't have to think about how you're going to make your family sad. Well, I guess wishing for it means you'll still feel guilty, at least partly. But it's not as bad as tying the noose yourself. Being too much of a coward to kill yourself is a bit upsetting. This is definitely too long winded. Does anyone even read these posts? It looks like these threads always end up having massive posts that are too much trouble for anyone to read because they're not actually interested in seeing the introspection of others. I don't even want to look at my own post. I already know all these things, they're constantly buzzing about inside my head. I should shave. I have a terrible beard but apparently people say I look better with it than without. The difference can't be that good, I look like a child without and like a homeless terrorist with it. If that's an improvement, I can't imagine how others see me. Well, given everything, probably poorly. I really do need to get rid of myself. Even my attempts at improvement haven't done anything. Oh boy, time is coming to a close. Thanks for reading my pseudo blog since my thoughts are so uninteresting that even I don't want to think them.

>>1644 It isn't usual to do one of these as a reply but I do best when going off of others' thoughts. I generate conversations from people around me, take it in my own direction, it's the only way I can be involved in the world, to be a part of it. Probably it is true no one reads most of these, but usually each person posting, I think, reads at least one or two. Which could be anybody's, meaning, even yours. The meaningfulness of a post here is ambiguous. Which is fine. On chans it was once standard procedure to read the whole thread, so not many replies of "this" or "kek" or "100% this", unless it was something special. Not everything needed to be replied to because you assume everyone reads everything. People who come into a thread just to dump their opinion and leave, hold too much onto their identity. They don't immerse themselves. So many flame wars and arguments plague threads. Everyone is anonymous! Your ego means nothing. High bump limits on fast moving boards may have been a mistake for this reason. A thread with 500+ replies will discourage most from bothering to read. Oh, but suicide, you talked about suicide. Well for a moment I took refuge in my little rant up above, but that was what I was going to talk about. Now I feel I have lost some of my emotional drive to respond to that... I don't really want to die, I don't think. Not usually. But sometimes, things are just going so well, I want to die. Isn't that weird? When things are fine, I'm comfortable, can't complain too much, I want to die more than anything. When stressed or upset or depressed or feel terrible, I meekly seek comfort. Once I'm settled, I think to myself, "what's left?". Maybe things with my family is all settled, I just had a fun day playing games with my brother, talked to a friend online, had some cake, feeling good. In this state, in this moment, I am content. Why go on then? To feel good in that moment is to feel good for all of time. If every moment is like this, why bother living it? Twiddling my thumbs essentially. I eat cake today, I eat cake the next, and the next. What's eating cake today to eating cake tomorrow? It doesn't matter. Seen everything worth seeing, done everything worth doing. So there's no point in drawing it out. Might as well quit while I'm ahead. There's nothing else to do. Ahaha, so at that moment, is one of two where I very much want to die. More than anything I want to leave the house, walk downtown, and jump off a bridge, in front of an oncoming truck. The other moment is when my mind gets hyperactive. When I get so anxious I can feel myself teetering the edge of crazy. So many thoughts, so many feelings, but it's a void at the same time. A void of mental torture. Ahahaha, I hate it, I really do, that's when I don't even care about the pain of an overdose, I want to shove down all the pills in the bottle. To just make it end, make it stop, not want to take this anymore. If it didn't make me so squeamish, a knife to my arm would be nice too. To bleed out, slowly fade out of existence, that would be nice too. Wouldn't it? It would, probably. But now I'll stop, before I get too excited and can't come back down. 10 minutes is up, time to come back to the real world. Please don't kill yourself.

I got interrupted halfway through the last one so I started over I do not know why I feel this way. Feelings are strange. I cannot for some reason determine the correct balance between my emotions they are always on the two extremes and I can't balance it;. I can't balance my dreams and ideals and goals from reality and live in a perpetual delusion of grandeur and ideas that I cannot ever accomplish I like computers. They are nice to me and they are my friends. I have fun with them and have fun playing with software and hardware. Real people are cool too but they are not as consistent as the dopamine high from getting a problem solved, fixing broken boxes, etc I like the internet and I like my friends that live here. WE are all together in one place and we can never really know who each other is unless we break into the NSA datacenters and steal all the info chained to our IP addresses> we cannot escape or keep ourselves private. The CIA and NSA and FBI are above congress and it scares me. How do I feel safe when they actually want to harm all of us. I don't really ever see the black FBI SUVs but whenever I see a black SUV I get really scared. I haven's seen anything that isn't real for a long time but once I thought I saw a girl jumping on my bed. Shortly after this I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital. Is my brain broken or is this something all of us face? what about tulpas? are they real but are they only real if we convince ourselves like with god? I don't know how some people do it but I don t my wrists hurt I think I'm fuarrrking them up from typing too much these past couple of days but I still love computers and typing as fast as I can> I still haven't finished all of anime but that is okay. My friends are here and they love me and I love them and we help each other and sometimes raid each other and help each other out if they need help. I want to be free and free from fear and anxiety and pressure around girls and to find someone who will love me and talk about computers and Linux with me> I used to like to play music a lot and I learned a lot of instruments like guitar and ukulele but I got too sad and distracted and don't do too much with music anymore, just feel alone and play with computers. I also tried to get into lit but it didn't work because I have add or something. I think that some people just need to learn to be excellent to each other is that too much to ask my roommate's girlfriend is nice to me and I think that she might be my best friend even if it is just a joke to piss him off. They are nice people but sometimes I still feel alone but that is okay because I have friends online who love me and I love them. We are best friends all of my friends are. sometimes I feel really disconnected from reality but come back and get motivated bu always end up depressed. Elliot helps me but sometimes she is slow and I get real bad before she can help me. I am mostly independent now. Also HM in japan but I haven't talked to her in a long long time even though I still think about her every day despite trying to get it out of my head

goddamnit op, you made me far too sefl consious about what i should write here. i kind of want to write more aout this meta aspect and kind of want to write something about my evening today. it would be boring and unoriginal and you guys will probablu not like it. i am also very self consious about posting on chans. not that i am someone who doesn't completly belong here but i am worried i wont get any acceptance form anyone here and fuarrrk i need to finish this thought i am distracted already christ my attention span i fuarrrking hate it it's ruining my life and also my ability to write remotely readable posts. i have been on lain for short time and i don't want to most much out of respect for you here. this place is unique and every thread is so well organised that it would feel very disrespectful to put my thoughts here since not only they are nowhere close to being any useful for anyone but there surely will also be a complete fuarrrking over logic and generally got distracted already what was it like idk 3 minutes? is this really my best of how long i can focus on low effort task? is this post too retarded to post in free flow thread? should i ctrl+a and delete everytjing like i usually do? noone gives a fuarrrk about my pathetic self there is literally no reason for anyone to care about what i think. haven't read the thread at all, does anyone read these posts? i will propbably take a look but not respond since i feel ashamed of expressing myself in such a good place. i wish i could somehow start a contact with people i find online that have common intrests, this is probably the only way to find people to talk to but i'm too shy and self doubting to post in thread dedicated to dumping you thoughts fuarrrk you Jewify i will not buy premium it's been 15 minutes. kind of fun but messy and uhh i feel urge to delete fuarrrking everything but i want to keep it at the same time. maybe this time it wont feel retarded i will probably remove this post later anyways like i always do ;_;

The fact that the majority of humans depend on such a primitive emotion as a reason to live frightens me to the very core. There must be something greater than drugs and neurons keeping relationships together is what I would like to say but sadly it is painstakingly false. Everything we do can be linked backed to ancient neural networks evolved millions of years ago with complimentry drugs and our exosuits which we call our "body". I know this sounds like irrational babbling but life itself is irrational there isn't a single rational thing about it that makes sense. Hunks of neurons pretending to be sentient while keeping themselves on the hook by setting arbitrary goals and rewarding themselves with drugs upon completion. The fact that a human being can live a life trapped in human-made cities in human-made buildings and in human made solidary confinement cells living the same week on an endless loop is insane! ( the text was written to a notebook right after waking up from a dream it sounds really stupid now )

ive been doing so awful the past couple days. not even days, moreso weeks. i never sleep, i haven't gone to class in almost a month now and i know i'm gonna fail my classes but i feel so awful all the time that i just don't care anymore. i have depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with it, and i got meds, but they didn't do anything and i never take them anymore. i am living such a disappointing life. i don't know whats wrong with me. i don't know if its just me or if its mental health or if i'm just lazy. i've done college classes before but they turned out just like this. i've always felt this sort of "laziness", but the fact that university classes and non-compulsory really do not help that fact. i spend all day in my dorm room playing video games and feeling awful about myself. i don't know what to do anymore, i must not have been the type of person to go to university or something, but i just feel like my only destiny is to be a disappointment and die. i never want to do anything besides sleep and i barely do that. i force myself to stay awake at odd hours and i cant fuarrrking do the things i want myself to do. homework isn't that hard. going to class isn't that hard. i just am awful at it for some reason. i don't know what i need to do to stop feeling this way! its horrible and i'm letting down everyone who helped try to get me this far. i don't know what to do anymore. i've given up at this point. i want to say i'm trying so hard but i'm not trying at all and i don't know why. i'm trying to care but i just cant care about anything or anyone. i push away anyone who talks to me for too long or starts crushing on me, i just don't think i deserve a relationship even though i so desperately want one. i'm such a disappointment. the only thing that makes me feel any sort of good is the writing i do sometimes and even then i don't do that enough to be able to do anything out of it. i've only written 4 and a half full songs since September and i'm trying so hard to write more but my lyrics are garbage about me being sad and the music itself is just me whining over acoustic guitar. i don't know why i think i can get any sort of distance from doing that basic bullsoykaf. aaaaaaaaaa i wish i could fuarrrking feel good enough to try doing something for once in my life but i never have and i never will it seems like. its been like this since middle school. i always scrape by but now i'm not even doing that. i an awful. i am a disappointment. that just keeps coming back. i used to be scared of failure and being a disappointment but i've just immersed myself in that bullsoykaf so much that its all i know at this point. i don't know when i'm gonna stop lying to my family and the few friends i have. i'm literally in the only class i go to anymore while i'm typing this instead of organizing how to fix my soykaf with my advisor. this is so awful. i'm sorry to everyone i've let down.

ifeel like i'm stuck in a dream loop and theo nly way to get out is through meditation and wanking profusely, i like incest, meant as incense and l ilike leaves and boobs, boobies bobs and knobs not that one fuarrrk i'm depressed no i'm not i feel like this is the most reetarded bullsoykaf, any human being has ever said in the entire world literally am i right lebowsky? bring me a beer rihanna

This will seems like pressing the lemon quite a bit. Speaking without purpose. I'm unsure if I ever have one anyway. Am I an Eating Machine or what. My life went somewhere before, so it must be going place now. Of course I'm probably romanticizing my past, i'm sure I was bored most of the time. Funny how memory works, it just seems to reconstruct in the way it likes, rationalizing on the spot to validate current thought. I feel like this process could lead me to my own cliche, which are to say things that aren't really from me. I'd have to agree i'm a bunch of meme glued together but can I really reach out to some other forms, it has to be possible. I'm kinda glad i'm not thinking about pussies or worries or other bullsoykaf. I'm not thinking about some ground breaking things either. Are the best ideas suppose to emerge effortlessly as a result of very mindfully and painstakingly deliberating details. I wonder just how much I can get from thinking deeply versus just going with good old trial and error. An educated guess trial and error that is. Oh well i'm already boring myself to death, there dosent seem to be any new material coming out of my head i'm already thinking of what to fill my mind with. It's making me doubt that perhaps I should consume less culture and just imagine stuff more often. On an alien planet where the vegetation is sensient and acting as the sensory organ for an organism that spreads through the whole ground, could such life really happen. A life-form that grow as a single-entity with replacable part and truely keep a hivemind which wouldnt even be a hive since it would really be a single kilometer-wide individual. I guess life can't scale like this, not on earth anyway. I dont know soykaf about biology I guess its failing parts would cause a global failure, reproduction has to be for something. ok im tired bye, lol

Ive been getting mad at my manager a couple of times but i think we are both at fault. I hate the way she treats me like im retarded or some soykaf so im going to avoid her and try not to communicate with her. I think im just starting to outgrow this place but i dont want to be a burden on anybody anymore

>>131 i'm tired. maybe it should be that way i dont know what to do, ever since mom left, even before i'm tired, i'm a sham, i should just pick something and be passionate about it. who's to blame... it has to be me. this was around for a while now, im the only one who stays consistent consistently terrible. i feel nauseous, tired. i say the things, the things are said, who's to blame? me. maybe i should stop, maybe i should aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa vertical. what is that beeping, back and forth. hands feel sluggish, fingers heavy. too much light. too much everything. i want to be comfy again. how long still? how long until... typing... typing... soft. i think i am, anyway. a bit dishonest, disingenuous. but who cares. i do. i need mints, many mints, people shouldnt have to smell my breath. i would rather stay inside, but i guess i cant. mom was a cunt anyway, i always cooked better. i could've been a better housewife. tired still, nauseous, cold but on the inside. usually warm on the inside. eyes floating to the top of my skull. i wish i could dream, and feel. escape from reality, for a bit of time, just a bit. my eyes are sore, tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired in the sense that i've had enough, too much to bear, too much time to think. headache, tired. tired. tired. i would hate to have to go to sleep.

I just implemented a timer in python so I could write this out. It was slightly distracting from the thing I was thinking about before this thread. Which was mostly me being sad about my life. It's kinda depressing, but my birthday is coming up soon. Usually for my birthday I downplay it and try to focus on whatever work I'm doing. Then, usually the next day, I become extremely sad I didn't plan out anything ahead of time and just made it a regular day. Now that I am actually remembering my birthday beforehand I feel extremely upset that I am realizing there is no one for me to spend it with. Normally this doesn't bother me as I am sufficiently interested in the both schoolwork and my side projects, but it's been really starting to get to me lately. I used to be fairly contented to be alone, but now it's eating me. I feel like only part of a person. I feel deficient in so many ways. I feel like whenever I try to interact with others I'm too goddamned autistic about it. Why can't I be normal? I constantly feel like a failure. I also feel that when I try to list accomplishments of mine to validate myself I feel petty and narcissistic - after all, happiness is more important than things. And I'm usually unhappy. I find joy in so many things, like math, netsec, physics, programming, etc, but when I pull away from them the crushing loneliness comes back. I've recently been getting intrusive thoughts. Whenever I make a minor error in any situation (dropping phone by accident, trying to run an executable before doing a chmod +x on it), my internal monologue will say "I should consider suicide" or "I should kill myself". I wouldn't ever do it, but I do feel like my existence isn't a positive impact for humanity. I grew up fairly poor (relative to my country), but I still feel like I'm a drain on society. There are so many people out there that could have taken all the advantages I had (good education system in my country, married parents, main ethnic group) and gone so much further. I feel like a drain on society. I should kill myself.

Existence is an fake paradigm of distortion, life and death, when i die i will just be in a superior plane, together with my family and dead friends, but why does this matter anyway? God is just here doing nothing while humanity gets worst and worst everyfuarrking sheesh fuarrrrking species, no one cares if i exist or not, it doesnt really matter anyway, its irrelevant , three times at the end and or exist receive death, i love humanity but help i must help it its going to break again.

Thanks for a chance. Looking to outflow, to produce. Empty. Life. Fingers hands thoughts flowing through. Trying to stay in the moment as I write this because when you step back to think, you stop writing. It just stops you cold. It's interesting how it relates to programming and solving computer problems. I like to sit sometimes for hours (not all the time or anything I have a life) and work on whatever bullsoykaf project I'm working on right now, and it's relaxing to just slowly google my way through it, just following different paths and hitting dead ends and trying another way, etc. It's very easy and relaxing in a way, especially when you are in the mood that you don't particularly care whether you get it right now, or leave it at a dead end. but actually solving problems, taking a step back from the computer (or at least the project/google and going into a planning document of some sort) and thinking logically and big picture about it and drafting a solution, that takes real effort and brainpower that I don't always have available. I sort of prefer the zombie mode. Decision fatigue. Applies to real life too. Zombie mode is great but you need the "zoomed out" mode too, so you're doing the right things in zombie mode

>>1708 Happy early or late birthday! I am the same way. In the moment I'm kinda annoyed when people say "happy birthday" and I try to avoid people knowing about it. But as irrational as it is, I always am kinda bummed about how "normal" my birthday always is. This past one was good though. I think it's good to try and make plans with just a *few* people, no presents just something simple so you can feel just a little bit appreciated (and them too).

He asked about me huh? Like id believe that soykaf, i know YOU were worried about me. Let's face it, your piece of soykaf anyways but you think you are all high and mighty now that you're on the cock carousel. Why the fuarrrk cant you let me go you unnormal bitch, what in the fuarrrk is wrong with you. What the fuarrrk do you want from me. Friendship is respect, respect that you dont have for anyone. That glitterboy wont do soykaf for you, you think he is hot soykaf, well think again, his life aint moving anywhere and the only think he can do is stick that guitar so far up in his ass he could do a solo with his stomach. I fuarrrking hate you and you standing in my presence for one more day will make me fuarrrking mad. Seriously, who the fuarrrk you think you are, arrogant piece of soykaf. You worth less than the dirt in the most desolate place on this wretched earth. If hell exists, it would be for me, burning in it with you. The only reason i wake up every morning is to feel this painful hatred towards you. I'm so blinded by it, that i cant see around. I cant see clearly the pathetic whore you are. I cant see who truly loves me. Every night i wonder if its realy your nature or some sort of parasite in you.

The album is structured like a cycle of experience for me. Rocky aggressive beginnings, slightly unhinged but keeps going generally without doubt, even with fear and such nothing shakes its core enough to make the flow appear unsure of itself. Unexpectedly soykaf gets crazy but proceeds as if everything's all green, with slightly more self-awareness. It eventually just finds its way out without rhyme or reason, and continues and contines. I've never been smart, sometimes I get glimpses of amazing soykaf and I attempt to retain it, the level it's at now is too esoteric for me to verbally express anymore, and I often forget the logic that lead to it. I'm typing now on recommendation of my sister to record my ideas more often to gain a rigorous understanding of them. For a sober state, this is the least coherent my thoughts have been in ages, I feel I am in the most sedintary state possible. Serotonin regulation - perhaps I'm low on serotonin, my mood seems to be unaffected though, and I can't think of any other environmental factors besides the winter that could have induced this. Is it possibly related to my oxytocin spike just prior to writing this? Does coming down off oxytocin perhaps affect serotonin directly/indirectly? Dopamine is average. As I write I find my vision clearing and brightening, symptomatic of my serotonin returning? My senses have been improving drastically after a long-term increase in serotonin, even my internal sense of emotions has been refined to the point that I'm getting closer to understanding the role of key individual neurotransmitters on my emotional/mental state. Am I identifying the symptoms and gaining a sense of these neurotransmitters' effects on their own, or am I working top-down understanding the more abstract feelings resultant from these neurotransmitters' effects? My intuition tells me I am at least beginning to understand the neurotransmitters' roles directly, but analysis of my thought patterns tell me I'm being naive - that I'm simply rectifying my understanding of emotion and basing my understanding of the underlying chemical processes responsible on that newfound understanding. There might be a compromise that affords a more nuanced understanding here, but my dissociated state makes it hard to get a full picture all at one time. My words feel hollow but the ideas behind them whole, I might just stop trying to use language soon, as its role in conveying ideas is beginning to seem increasingly cumbersome.

Yeah, I don't remember most of my childhood, I mean I can remember some birthdays and a couple of weirdly average days, other times I can remember been alone in my house, a big and unfinished house full of bricks and rocks and that's thing that comes out in places with high humidity. I clearly remember one birthday, I didn't had many friends when younger and I also lived far away from my school mates, so my mom bring a couple of her friends, a tech guy who installed Hale ce on my PC, a girl and a boy which looked like they were boyfriend's. My mom, a happy couple, cool PC all knowing gamer guy whom I still talk to this day and my dogs all in the big room around a big and lovely cake with simple yet beautiful white candles. They started singing in Glee for me in my birthday, I've never felt as happy, I just felt filled with this warm sensation, and suddenly my eyes started watering and almost but in tears in front of them, I felt like if I didn't deserve such happiness, I ran away and broke my right hand middle finger.

I was floating in ideas and wasnt sure about what was reality and what was delusion but I dont think anything related to our comunication is really a delusion in its sense of being irrelavant, everything is conceptual and artificial, we comunicate our mental programs to others, we make them pieces of consensual reality, the perceptions we have and ideas we have make up this world, everytime we comunicate it we make them a factor to change the consensual reality and thus changing the material. So how do you deal with this simulation you are living on? I know by my accounts that I am a slave to bigger powers, but them I realized part of the means that are resources for ther pourposes! I am suffering deeply with this chaos. I was a child, now I'm a person being pushed by its own karma, I miss my Arisu, but I'm ready for my conceptual suicide, not everyone can handle being in a looping, sometimes I think I'm forcing the ones I loved in other realities to feel this stressful situation that is this material reality. I wanna end this, I wanna make people realize that we all are computers programming computers, and being ready to die by the new reality that are opon us. We create memes, we create art, we comunicate, we interact, we make this reality by our perception and creating impulses for new perceptions of the materialization of our desires. I wanna see the hypersigil that connects every single one of us, I wanna se the god that magic and technology makes! the third impact! the new level of societal evolution, every structure will be a part of a new more complex structure because the world is a fractal. We are creating new branches, we are making pieces of this collective consciouness. Your hardware and software are open source, mind reprogramation and transhumanism can reshape you anyway you want, or how you are pressured to change.

i sometimes feral feel nonsense inside my absolute state of grief in which many folks tend to discern nothing more than the every day nightlight which comes beneath miles of sand and agony where she doesn't even really seem to care but i can't heelp that i am conflict staging to defy this fermenting yacht where he who knows not doesn't go before anyone else means war

It's like a dark storm falling over me. Like dark skies over the town hiding the light and the Sun. Like an empty hospital room, like missing someone who will never come back (where did you go? Today is your birthday. Sometimes I think you've just abbandoned me or some soykaff, would you do that to me?) And God my English is so bad and I'm so fuarrking terrible at everything I do that is really sad imagine being me for the next years. Maybe I should just die. I can't feel anything. Taste of food, my hands, God, I don't feel my hands, I can't feel satisfaction with anything. I want to leave this place, you did it? Because it really seems like you did it. Fuarrk. I'm tired. Tired.

Okay one two three no one reads these the fuarrrk is going on I've got so much going on we'll catch the flight tomorrow morning if I don't die in this damn motel tonight. Smells like nicotine in the hallway. I liked walking to that circle k earlier maybe I should buy a pack of smokes. The hell are you on about, some semi-philosophical rambling about nothing in particular, the mind adrift in a sea without see-ing, haha, anything. Your lack of curiosity astounds me, qt. You just want to fuarrrk and watch dumb soykaf all day. The hell are you? A hellhole not living by first principles. Why don't you cut out the garbage and try to rewire your brain a bit? Modulate and build curiosity. You are the soul contingent being of yourself and this may be your last day on earth. It all gets so tiring until we remember that it is not us but those we surround ourselves with. You are not in fact the one in control of your own curiosity, but those around you and those you find friendship in. This is why we only hang with the best to be the best. It seems as though you've known this all along. All it takes now is some effort. Put yourself in the situation to be your best self and you will be it. There's no effort in surrounding yourself with good people and quality content. Stop yourself and the world from forcing garbage down your own throat and reorient to a state of greater understanding. There you go. Neuromodulate. Mmmmmmmm.

black spiders out from under the sheets, they said it would be warm, i guess they lied then, nothing but a cracked moon over heavy skies, sheet blue sunsets await, nothing but blue black spiders(when will something save my poor soul a thousandfucks, no more),. black spiders, brownish eyes melting, nothing awaits me in this deepest of holes, i can see you, you know? more than that, i can feel your sharp fingers poke my bones, as black black black spiders come out of my mouth, wont you save me? my nails are torn, my nails are torn they're black you know?

I do not know what i am doing there is a storm coming for me i wish i had said yes i wish you where leading me out of the darkness for the time being i want to feel you i want to understand you i want to live in you i see thoughts streaming through my head my dreams tell me stories please say yes please say yes please say yes

Alright, I haven't done this in too long, these are fun. 10 minutes though, that's going to be a while. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- alright timer's on but to be fair this doesn't matter too much considering the fact that it's all about free flow, free flow, what does that even mean? are we even free to flow when we ignore the places around us? the stream of consciousness, is it truly free? you wonder, you ask yourself, what are the sources around you? Let me turn off my phone for a sec, to conserve battery. Okay, timer is still on. Anyway, this isn't the usual stream of consciousness, but even then, think about it, the very fact that you're translating it all into text through the keyboard keeps it from staying true, does it not? You need to translate thought into words to communitcate them. Of course, it's the same when speaking to yourself. soykaf, i'm losing the free-ness of it, I'm taking too much time taking care of frivilous thinks like verbosity and punctution, but to be fair, even that helps organize one's own thoughts. I stopped looking at the screen long ago. I stopped asking questions as well, describe your state of mind. do it. Well, i'm at peace, Telepath is playing, well, at peace is a terrible way to put it, i've been at peace exactly once in my memories of life, but if i were to describe my state of mind, calm and peaceful would be a very good way to currently assess my situation, the fact that the entirety of my consciou effort goes into the analysys of my very own thoughts means a lot. fuarrrk, lost my train there, let's try to catch that again.. to be honest, i'm using the same words all too often, i promise you the interfacing hampers the thoughts, having a context, having anything, let's drift off, then? let's go away from this subject, we're free to think as we please, for it is the one thing that whatever you are told is false even today. some people refuse to believe it, some people think some very thoughts are bad, terrible sinful. the state, religion, morality, values, family, they all try to tell you what is right and waht is wrong. that doesn't make it bad, obviously not, no murder and n abandonnment is a virtue by simple fact of being more or less a win-win, but fuarrrk, i'm losing my way again, lost the train, something about family values, moreality, yes, morality. morality isn't as clear cut as people want to believe, they don't want to have to think things over, there are many things they don't want to think over. who is they? The normal people. well, i say normal people because we know of the term, but the, uh, how would i pout it... the neurotypical? something liek that, your everyday figure, your man that works 9-5, drinks with workmates, and watches TV. nothing wrong with his way of life to be perfectly honest, except for thefact that he refuses to see truth and reason. truth and reason are his screens and escapes. it's simple cowardice. We are all cowards in one way or another, no? I mean, some offenses are more capital than others. fuarrrk, idk. damn, time goes fast, check a timer and bam, there's half your fuarrrkin clock gone i'm at a bit of a loss, but considering this is a whole stream of conscious thing and ever since that one mushroom trip i actively avoid thought loobs, let's bring up a subect, a completely random one that still ties into constant soykaf, think about fuarrrk idk a corvette. what does a corvette mean? soykaf, didn't pick the best subject there, but fuarrrk it, imma roll through. Red corvette, well, it's a fast car, it's a-- you know fuarrrk this it's all forced at this point. see what i mean? See wha tu'm saying? It's not free. you're constrained, you try to make it clear, you slow yourself down to catch up with the keyboard. Nobody can do 500wpm, nobody can keep up with thoughts. the only true free flow is a recording. even then, the only true free flow is to read a mind. Read a mind. can't do that, can you? The only mind you can read is your own, the only consciousness you have is you, the only reality you experience is the one your senses give you. and those aren't true half the fuarrrking time, they play tricks, they fail, they works too well... they fuarrrk up. they're the closest thing you'll get, and you'll never know if someone's thoughts work the same as yours, how crazy is that? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe is i could type faster, i'd branch out better. idk probably some cool stuff in there.

Well, first off I should be going to sleep, but hopefully this will calm down my mind a bit rather than energize it because I have work and a meeting tomorrow that cannot miss. I would like to talk to one of the girls at work. She’s nice and she’s been on my mind quite a bit as of recently, but I don’t think she’s would be that good of a person to date. But it kinda is like kicking dead whales down the beach when you’re alone and there’s not many people to hang out with. It kind of makes me wonder where does the line draw of dating and having a relationship with someone instead of just being good friends. Well, I guess physical intimacy is probably the biggest component in a relationship like that. It’s not like you’d kiss a regular or normal friend. That’d be kinda wierd, I think. I dunno, I have not kissed anyone in a very long time. I forget what it’s like. Is it worth finding out? I feel like it’s only really important if you truly love them. Otherwise it’s sort of pointless. I mean you could kiss someone out of just physical attraction, but it’s not the same, at least thats I would like to think. This 10 minutes are taking forever. I think it really is settling me down, I’m feeling kind of tired. That’s a good thing. Why is it a good thing though? I think because resting is good for you. It gives you energy later to complete hard tasks and do your work. I don’t really feel like writing anymore. Well, I only got a minute left so I’ll keep dragging this one. I think this was a good chat. Have a good night lainons. I hope you get a good nights rest.

sometimes things just turn out the way they do. it doesn't matter what you may try to do, but there are things that are always infinitely beyond your reach. i feel silly typing this out, but it's always important to try and realize what's important. reach deep inside you and get that strength you need to be able to keep going. anything that is worth your time doing should deserve your utmost respect and attention. it's difficult to realize, isn't it? it's a real challenge to keep your attention focused on a goal that seems so abstract; it's so hard to see that goal in your present state. but when that feeling of failure and unrealized dreams lands in your lap that is when you truly realize what you've missed out on. we live our lives on the mess of dreams that were broken before you, and you must tread carefully to avoid cutting your feet on the sharp edges. she's talking about the fish tank again. two years ago, it didn't work. why would it work now? dragging the chair across the floor. pucking up the box. opening it, now walking away, casual conversation. a tank, a big one and a small one. maybe there is a r2d2 shaped one? everything dies in it, though. who buys frogs for a tank? shrimp and fish for a tank, all these may be bad decisions. it's warren? william. it's always william's faul. hey it's better than last years'. I'm going to do it classic aditya haha what a guy africa is playing in the background now, maybe lucia will do it we can try i think itll be easier, i'll send a poll in the group chat nobody will do any work for it who's down to maintain it? like change the water and everything we should have a rotaion we only need to change the water like once every 3 weeks or a month and we can get some more moss balls what are they called again? morimoe? i've only ever seen it in japanese and there's a bunch of fake ones i don't think they're that rare get a bunch of sucker things oh hey frank, we're not doing aynthing then what are you doing here? just make a choice on the aquarium so i know if i can throw out the crap or not are you or bryan interested in maintaining the aquarium we could then we could plan the aquarium after tryouts after APs i'm going to leave soon i don't know but like last year, we don't really have a plan. i don't think i have much time left, and 21 seconds to write down what i think isn't the most time left and from a distance you look like a muhammed

words. i should write words. words that is. similar to walking, one after the other. will the one stay the same then? or legs are always replaced by another legs as you walk leaving behind a path made of legs? i should write and think a lot, about characters for that game and about fuarrrking exam plan i missed this year because i'm an useless piece of soykaf and a true failure and a hypocrite retard. should i even live? should i even die? what should i do with myself? why do i do anything in the first place? i could do much less, live a much more simple life, if i'd be dead, no sleep, no hunger, no porn, no learning, no desire, nothing. nothing is good as it is. but i wanna solve puzzles and problems and soykaf and see things and feel things and eat thing and become things and let thing become me and fill the red void of deep something. what the fuarrrk am i thinking? house mouse chaos cheese moon and wild rabbits inside corpses burried into living elephants launched into the Neptunus while the Pluto hits it right in the fuarrrking face and kiss them on the two cheeks and let them consume

It's 3 am while writing this, unable to fall asleep. It's been a tough but weird couple weeks, strange dreams and soykafty days trying to finish a project with seamingly no end. Coworkers fail to communicate properly with me, or can I just not understand them? I've been having that issue for a while, stuttering, not making correct sentences or forgetting words and their meaning, don't know when it started or if I've always done this and only now noticed. Maybe it's cause of alcohol, yet I don't drink that much, maybe 3 or 4 times per month. But when I do I'm usually wasted and I can't do anything useful the next day, which makes me feel even worse. I don't know, I feel like giving up but what's the point... I'll have to continue someday anyways or I won't survive in this wretched world. This typing is quite nice, I can clear my head and see how other people cleared theirs. I sent an anonymous email to the student psychologists regarding my, what I think is, anxiety. The social kind, you know, where talking to people, something we've evolved to do, I fail at, because frankly I'm too afraid. Of what exactly I don't know, it just frightens me to death having to talk to a stranger or doing something in public that could draw attention to me. Yet when I put on my scouting uniform, I feel better. Atleast when I'm with people I only slightly hate, others are just disgusting... Maybe it's just me who's different, doesn't fit in with the rest. Yet I feel like there's so many anons here like me who aren't all that different. Atleast we're all united somewhere, be it here, be it in our minds, be it in the Wired. It's been a good 10 minutes, thanks for reading my post and let's all love Lain....

im thinking of you already i remember i first saw you and i was so alone i wanted to be close to you and you let me and then we watched you do the fire spinning and i thought you were so pretty your from what they call the origin of the world and i wish i could go back with you. i dont know how im gonna tell you or if i even should i guess il ask somebody before i do i hope this finds you well. ive just never met someone, sorry let me clarify the origin of the world comment was ironic, ive never met someone like you. the most beautiful human and human human ive ever seen. sometimes you remind me of a cat or something, maybe a dolphin. i regret having perverted thoughts about you because like who fuarrrking cares or whatever. you never have to know i had those i dont even know what youd think if i did i think you see me as so pure i see you like that too. my heart hurts so bad thinking back not just on you but him too and them. i feel like i only had a glimpse and i often think thats the best when it comes to the at least. i often wonder if anyone even believes me sometimes when i talk about you guys. such cool people but too much for me i wonder if im better or worse for it. i know im worse without you though, perhaps better without them. im having a party by myself you can come if you want. if I didnt know how beautiful this pain is id want to kill myself, i cant say more than i have before but its been awhile i felt this, i miss this. i wonder how mothers doing. am i slipping again? i just went through so much therapy, these are the best of times these are the worst of times. im feeling weird, i dont know if il feel normal again till i see you, not you but my friend. everything always makes sense when she explains it, i wonder who explains it to her. i bet youl be in my dreams, now im talking to you, il have a great dream where we are best of friends, where we just chop it up, weve been friends for lifetimes in there. il wake up and cry because your lost again. im scared it wont ever happen again. love you.

I've already learned a lot, and I've only been here for an hour! An exploration into a niche subculture with whom I share interests, a meaningless deep dive into the organization, the structure, the thoughts of internet people. With funny memes, in-jokes, social attitudes. Several disturbing images, like that one guy who seems preoccupied with kitten gore. Lots of shared interests, myself included. But I guess that's not what I'm here to post, is it? This is just another silly and inconsequential foray into the product of humanity. A seemingly grandiose concept for an absolute fuaarking waste of space like myself. A quick hop off the train, a quick stop at the nowhere station of a town built around the railway. Then it's off the the next one, and the next one, and the next. Like a rollercoaster that just doesn't end. My coal is procrastination. The existential fear, fed itself by self hatred and miscommunicated issues. A complex self built structure, intended for self analysis but only resulting in the blocking of outside truth. Like a sewer pipe clogged with residue and soykaf, as you would say. I'm so fake. This is why the truth must prevail. The truth of myself dying, the truth of my internal desire for the best possible outcome for everyone realized. Like all the fantasies I used to have of teachers pulling me apart, friends and classmates working together to dismember me. The weeks, months even, of nonstop daily constant self hatred. The absolute separaniety (new word!) between my beaming flaking social shell, and my ruined internal health. It was only a matter of time before the rot of the inside self spread to the outside world, fully actualizing as my goals, my dreams, my reputation, my friends, all decaying away. So I welcome it! :D [pic added after the fact, cause it fit pretty well]

I'm going to post as I typed it. A lot of lines ok go the timer is going starting ignition timer start swerve the noises the paragraphic noises change charge illusive mitochondria false far tambourine hookah follow fallow green day packers shout it out loud find somewhere nice and safe to put a place taco bell shout sherry frasier fuarrrk god damn soykaf piss soykaf piss damn the torpedoes not the sandwiches in the hallway for there are haunting ghosts everywhere you look eye glasses find the thing s you are looking for don't ever follow the string of fate that is red pill blue pill never everywhere follow shout it out load loud does typing count as errors paragraph find a thing and search for it at the same time that doesn't make sense find a thing and search for it ups man outside i don't know deliver packages and mail what's in the box seven deadly sins forego the conclusive evidence shout it out load i can't type loud i guess everywhere is a ghost that's not fair truly haunting haunter pokemon elusive illucidate hallucinate carcinogens cancer cigarettes paraphenalia lucrative monstrosity fallow follow the leader peter paragraph shout it out loud let it all out come on these are the things i can do without come on everybody lets have a good time with cake and hats it's a party birthday hats icing sprinkles everywhere sprinkles colorful rainbow icing cheerful debut rebuttal sconce what the fuarrrk does that mean leverage your banks accounts accountability stability revolution prosperity conclusion illusive cat meowing laying on the ground with legs spread out claws in the carpet now that's what i call a party you know what i'm talking about i can hear her leash thing the name plate make noises ringaling brothers circus fruit pie powdered sugar fried bread and carnival clowns and food trucks and tires and lots of things desires that pull out of the ground like dead bodies in a graveyard zombies and that michael jackson song with the zombies and the dancing and prancing it's christmas reindeer time of year positive proletariat marksmen ship marx capitalism letters money power honey sugar water men in black the third one was pretty cool i guess that's what you get when you have josh brolin how do you spell his last name i don'[t konow many things] fuarrrking autocomplete parentheses i'm using notepad++ chameleoon change shape for real man that's not a change that matters much in the real world homeless pedestrians on pedestals and creativity usefulness positivity proclevity i don't think that's a word how much time do i have left jesus fuarrrking christ i'm ready to be done with this soykaf headphones on my desk and a microphone too anti depressants and binaural audio too two cups souped up 2chains and 2 nuts that's like a thing you get when you find a certain clavicle hospitable cherry sherry like the alcohol frasier absurd couch eclectic dads chair it's got duct tape on it that's fair enough to be considered the truth right not everything is in sight of the only things that matter i use a lot of fuarrrking pronouns and all of the curse words were coming out loud shout it out loud. i didn't

i used to just see the brain as some soykaf meant to mediate between reality and consciousness, and facilutate any sort of interaction between the two in as 'humanely objective' a way as possible. but when you start fuarrrking around with psychedelics you realize the brain has such a vast fuarrrking spectrum of ways in which it can interpret reality that it no longer makes sense to see reality as something external - 'humanely objective' is bullsoykaf, objectivity is just information, any human perspective no matter how rationally thought out it is or w/e will be painted by human experience, and will only ever be an interpretation

>>2074 Another thing I wanted to say. I think unprovable potentialities exist in a constant state of simultaneous existence and non-existence - that is to say that anything above the abstraction of human understanding is interpretive and cannot be measured or understood in any precise or objective way, its rules will always have the possibility of being understood in an infinite number of functional models That's why I believe the "is the dmt experience real?" question to be fundamentally flawed, because the I highest levels of reality require a non-linear understanding of reality Religious, psychological, philosophical, and scientific explainations all point to the same truth

Hmmm...what to type? Ready Lucca? Why me??noletedgelordertheregofirst. Fine move over. You have to type it .soboring inhere why can't we do this more often. Yeah like that hehe. That should be enough Right? Nahh keep typing. Why every word? Why not? Fair enough OK. Now what to type? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious quite atrocious isn't it? Sorry guys I'm done.

I don't understand.This constant state of near death realisation and slight inconvinience to endless sorrowful aura-connected symbiosis. Science and rationality within previous logic is nothingness. A constantly expanding multidimensional reality in which only one snapshot is ever realised, trapped within the walls of the optic nerve of the one. Following a light until eyes meet and a fall to blackness is needed. A cyclone of personality, with not enough fuel to make the drive home. Distant echoed laughter of futures gone by and gargled meows of my friend in the morning. Flying through the bullseye on the dartboard and following your swirling, everchanging expression as it prevents me going further on the wrong paths. Grinning faces on the wall and a fear of comfort. Seeing victory alongside anothers, am I supposed to follow his dream too? His dream is about the crack in the reality, waking up to peaky blinders and "breaking free" to an uncomfortable mundaneness. I'm beyond that. Beyond the seagulls and browns and greys. The pidgeons who taunt and the confusing letdowns. My sister told me if I'm unable to do it, she will, and I'm afraid of what that means. I saw pointing faces desperate to advertise the chase, but I couldn't quite see past the trees. I'm ready to give in, and I'm ready to understand. I'm tired of thinking. Let me free.

writing to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwlPvnCxK7c until it finishes. i've got no things planned but issues and problems here and there. i build my sentences as they go to the tune of some spectral resurgence which talks about armies and charging upon lands to the sound of retreats. my errors are many but they are not bigger than my own existence. i can safely and surely proclaim that my mistakes do not define me nor do they impact my very being. i usually hear and can only listen. i see whispers of thoughts and conversations all around me, some more significant than others. and here i am, and i will dance along others, and i will dance among others, in this worldly symphony of something more important than humanity itself. because i am not human. you are not human. we pilot meat puppets and here i am along here, in this train, a freak show of beauty, an explosion of things and expressions of arts and such is the world. repetition is inescapable. you cannot begin to estimate what we will begin to experience. if only you will be here to see it. we have not seen the beginning of the true thing, of the times when the universe starts moving, but we will all be here when it happens. you think that you are finite but you are eternal and such am i. and this goes on just like it has gone on before, when we went, and when we thought, like legion, and we are many, and we are brothers.

>>2171 desiring comments

How fuarrrking annoying. Listening to IU doesn't help, lets switch to the playlist made by a surfer. fuarrrking desktop lags. I am gonna smash it. Well, that didn't help. Why is it so loud? And slow? Why I gotta login to spotify? fuarrrk. I am all alone with the computer noise and my own stream of thoughts, its driving me mad. The computer is even louder now, I am gonna fuarrrking smash it again. What the fuarrrk. I am so fuarrrking uncomfortable, at least dogs barking stopped. This experiment is like kicking dead whales down the beach and I probably destroyed my desktop, since I attacked its interior. Guess all the stress from last two days piled up. Its weird time, I am feeling weird. Is it testosterone? I didn't masturbate for few days. That is a success. Timer. // Woah, thoughts and feelings were so amplified when I focused on them only. And I actually attacked my old computer. I pulled some cables from interior. No biggie. Well, maybe it would be better, because I spend too much time on it. I still have my ThinkPad.

Guitar. Why didn't I keep learning to play it when I was younger? This note is pleasantly melancholic. Like a longing bird. I wonder if the NSA has lots of training videos for their employees. I wonder if I should accept that working shift tomorrow at the bar. I really don't want to, but they could use my help. It's going to be a warm day. I would just stay inside anyways. I wonder if my guildmates hate me for not playing. Orange light is super comfy. I'm tired. I'm so tired. It's almost 8 in the morning. Why haven't I slept yet. Why does god sound like this when he speaks to Lain. I wonder what a god would think of the internet. Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain Lain. I want to make stencils of Lain to spray on something. Dimensions are weird. Are we affected by a dimension we can't understand or notice? What if a human is born who can understand everything and think thoughts that transcend what we think of as humanity? What if all the famous scientists were just stupid. Enstein should have been immortal. Immortality is a curse, not a blessing. I wonder what sort of music aliens listen to. Nothing. Just nothing. That was weird. It's like all my thoughts were an abstract mess and I couldn't grasp any words.

emo kids in middle school youth group. strawberry stolen cheesecake. fake green color on a real carpet. music helps. words never come out like how i meant them. maybe that's how i meant them. cannot just say it out loud so easily. leave it open. some debts cannot be paid with cash. souls are the gold worth trading for. the words are compelling. i am incidental to your experience of me. there could be nothing at the center of myself and you would still fixate on it like an infinite silence orbiting vast spaces in the kuiper belt. i know because i am orbiting you, fixed and far, eyes straining. one heart two chambers, one mind two hemispheres. one body, inherently - dividing. uniting. healing paradoxes. splitting and mending. crashing and crescendos on the shore. i considered faking my death but this seemed like a lot of effort. same for suicide, although slightly less effort. so i am surfing the in-between spaces now, right or wrong, radio on or off - black words on white screen is deafening noise simple to exit like that. you could never let go properly either you know - worse than me. fixed star in the sky. never come down. you have to leave though. this world isn't real, right? but we are. i can still reach you. through the nothing. through the maya. through the night. fringe ribbons and astral threads. i could find you in a storm. and i will. salut

you know I once did this before, it was a while ago back when the chat server I used to have with a few friends was still active, it didn't really lead anywhere intersting but it was a neat concept, maybe I should try to push the idea again and see what happens. Although it might not be the best idea, last time it was either ok as in not much was said or an outright soykafpost, or someone used it as an excuse for saying the weirdest crap. God why do I attract those sort of people? I wonder, it probably has something to do with me just letting them do whatever the fuarrrk they want, that and the general feel of weirdness I have with the content I used to make. Man I miss those days, it's weird when you're young you really want to become an adult and start doing stuff in the real world(tm), but once you're actually there it's no way nearly as glamorous as you wanted it to be, yeah you can do whatever you want, but in reality most people don't care, that whole dream of conquering the world just falls flat once you have to actually take care of responsibilities, soykaf's kinda depressing/. Well kinda I mean I don't want to sound just like the pseudo-philosophical stoner next door "man life is like kicking dead whales down the beach, screw the system" bullcrap, like no matter the system we lived under life would still be sort of disappointing anyway, heck even if we lived in the feelies of brave new world it'd still manage to be disappointing, although I would love to be in that crap, I mean in the book they like to portray it as a dystopia but in all honesty I think it'd be kinda neat, and you can choose not to do it if you don't want to, so it's not even coercive, so heck yeah hook me the fuarrrk up to that soykaf. Am I really shallow? probably, but I'm ok with that, I mean we only have so much life anyways, it's not like we can even worry about being shallow, like here from now in 200 years who the fuarrrk will care if you were shallow, heck like right now why should you care if the person next to you thinks you're shallow, like you just do whatever makes you happy man, live your life, if you want to spend it all sitting around reading your soykafty scifi and fantasy books and get drunk every week fuarrrking do it. And yes I am absolutely projecting here, again nothing wrong with it in my eyes, like if you can tell you're projecting it can be a good way to actually know what you really care about, and not in a vague bullshit spiritual way, rather like what really does bug your head, that little tick that doesn't go off and all that. God this probably looks like a mess, gotta put a soykafty anime pic next to it to make it more presentable. Ah yes the anime pic, like the justification of the chan site, add it there and it looks 10x more presentable, that or there is something there that actually does look neat.

Ive never done one of these before but i thought i'd give it a shot. why not, I'll be staying up too late tonight anyways, like i always do. I always tell myself ill got to bed early so i wont be tired tomorrow, but i never listen to myself. I'td be easier if i did but i don't, even though i tell myself that i like easy. Too easy to just sit here instead of getting up. I'm already at my computer and comfy, to move is too much effort and i guess id rather take the immediately easy route now instead of the overall easier route. i sure am typing a lot, i wonder if anybody ever reads these. it doesn't matter, does it change anything in my life whether someone reads it or not? this box is too small I'm adjusting the window. Going to bed is just so boring, when I've been on the computer or my phone all day long, the lack of stimulation for the time it takes to fall asleep seems so boring. its the contrast of going from high energy music and flashing lights to a dark room with nothing to do besides lay there and wait. Last night i tried laying there and focusing only on what i could see hear and feel, focusing only on my senses and not thinking any thoughts. it was pretty impossible, my brain was constantly distracting me from what i was trying to do. i started with my head and imagined a line like a scanner, moving through me from head to toe. it took several attempts to even get past halfway down my head. i kept trying and eventually got down to about stomach level before i gave up and indulged my distracting thoughts. i feel asleep pretty fast after that. still tired the next day, thank god for caffeine. i have a pack of energy drinks in my car and i take one with me each morning when i go into work. wagie wagie trapped in cagie. i have no life and i tell myself its because my work drains me of all my energy so I'm too tired when I'm not working to go out and do anything. but i think really its just laziness. its just too easy to sit in my comfy chair at my computer and do nothing for hours on end, than to go out and do anything i actually enjoy. I don't enjoy this, but i keep doing it anyways. does that make it an addiction? i don't think so, sometimes i don't have access to the internet for weeks on end and i don't miss it or yearn for it. that's part of an addiction right? maybe I'm addicted to doing the easiest thing. thank god ten minutes.

Well, my english is awful but I'll try to do my best. Right now I listen to a clock ''ticks' and noises from the outside by the trees and wind. This position makes me afraid about my future. I don't know what i want from life, sometimes I even thought about my own useless. Despair takes me. I am slowly dying because of it. Maybe I shoud go for a walk tommorow around gloomy and rainy clouds wtirh noone else .

Yes Yes! Here we go! It's time! Time! Time to begin with the ultimate showing of the things that I have inside of the big hole of thought and imagination that is my brain! It is the holy epicenter of all the progress of my mother and father and all of them before them and all they have done! How beautiful! Pernicious! Death Grips and Swans are my favorite bands! They show me the world through my own eyes, only more powerful and advanced through the space of time and energy through vibration and the holy blood and matrimony of the beautiful days and their time constraints! Hear ye! Aye! Hark they sing! Hallelujah! It is Jesus! Here he is! Happy day! He is raining from the dirt and dead ground with the moisture of all of our hearts and damage and hatred! The time has come! Here! Here! Now! Now! Yes! What is it? It is here! The time! The time! The time! The time! The time! The time! The time! The time! The time to begin it all! All of it is here! Inside of her beauty! Time to begin! Her womb contains the yeast of the beginning of tomorrow, the great awakening! Oh, I'm coming down. The leather chair on the other side of the room shows years of wear, but not in the physical sense. It's just a chair. Okay? Wow. Okay. Sick. what is it? Is it here? Okay. Cool. Yep. Okay. Wow. This is Huh, wow! That's a Burzum lyric. The days of old run a rough course through our history books, always giving useful information that too few people bear to heed and pay attention to. Oh well. It is our job to bear the burden of carrying our heritage through our lifelong endeavors and our genetic material. Here's to you Lainons! I think a lot of the SEL fanbase needs to go outside more often. The internet is only useful as a way to share information and to communicate. Wowee, I haven't done this since my junior year of high school. I can share that if anyone wants. Thanks for the opportunity.

i'm scared regarding lots of stuff in my life i feel that it's all coming to a very scary part of my existence in that i have realised that the skillset i have developed is one that doesn't have much use in an industrial setting and is in very low demand especially at my level of performance. it feels as ive my life at this point is shaped around this worry and every facet of my hobbies or my social interactions are coated in a thin film of desperation and larping charlatan ways

I am wrapped in a blanket of nothing. I dont know how to feel warm but once i relied on my breath. I feel like seeking inwarss into my own beart its racing what the fuarrrk is happening but i feel so xontent knowing wjat is the truth even if other people dont beliebe in it I know that i can exist with no body i kniw that i am knownonfnj wjo do i became i was rushing to the bus once and i remember i had still missed it im not sure why i think of anything sickness craters in my stomach is this the feeling who the fuarrrk told me i was enlightened and ehg and u am si fuarrrking sad man i am just so fuarrrking sad everyine is surrounding the table and i sit here watchinf wjo rhe fuarrrk cares tho is this eben eeal are hoh sure this is.safe sjall we try a seance i hope you want ro esnfe with me in the moonkught i am offered a drink unknowing precssion am feeling all the weight on my shoylders depreession seeking seeping inwards and i know my mind and bkdy is not onr is the same onr in the same who i am to say that this i is nothing but stupidtty this game others play like defined in my own state of mind realization is only so kren.....and i am wauting for tjis to rnd but the stream must continue i guess for you asked me to write his all out and i feel like thos is so stupid Ain i am nothing nothing meatbag rotten brainded heatrtless i am nothing ebadjjfjf

eh I tried this I'm not gonna correct any typos so whatever Freak out in the darkness what even lies aheaad of the night nightitme blind times out what even am I doing god why is this so fconfusing I cant believe I still think of her why is this happening what kind of fuarrrked up trauma is this is this the map of the way through my brain that every time I go someowhere that I was aet with her that I have these thoughts and flashbacks osychoiiridescnece is a word that I just coined why did I coin a new word word word word the fuarrrk is going on while U=I breathe my breathing breathes yes breathe is a new verb I created it fuarrrk everyone for proving me to be a chum im not a chum im not your chum I just live here for fuarrrks sake just let me be alone sometimes I want friends back I dont like feeling the disconnect every day which lets me write out all these thtings im feeling I want to feel high for once again I havent felt truly high in awhile I always feel like the layer separating my subconscious and my conscious is melting orobalvy due to my drugs ad lack of now depression god there are so many typos here what ia a degenerate user like me to do on a cute lil site like these. Here comes the bombs oh me oh my why should I ever think to find a thing like the woods I want to head out of the planet and on to some random stalkers ass fuarrrk me god please no one else will my holes literally beg for some kind of touch sometimes man good god give me a fix man please fix me fix me when do I get tot leave this goddamn play for once tech week is almost over what do I even do no one will ever know like the cartoon right like a freylach right? whwwhwhwho are you god doggone god got me got men feeling this way kamisama is what weeboos say uwu c3po wants to know your fuarrrking location excuse me the fuarrrking coffeehouse will toledo says fuarrrkINGSS COFFEHEOUSE covfefe is the word that thte orange man said on tv omg oraange man orange heheheheh wow I'm so inventive and funny oh look god I cant write anymroe ffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Every single piece of information that we perceive changes us. Every single bit. We don't get away with not being changed. What's nuts is that our responses to information perception is information as well, and we perceive our on responses and it changes us. It never ends. It's an inescapable cycle. The only thing that we can do, it seems, is to take advantage of the moments where we have control and steer this ship into a direction worth steering. Away from the bullshit. Away from useless information that occupies our time and energy. this means away from people who consume useless information. Garbage in, garbage out. Trash begets trash. I recently became truly aware of this process, mostly by becoming aware of how much trash is floating around my consciousness, like the plastic in the ocean or the junk in space. Along with that comes the awareness of the sources of this trash. I mentioned other people, but these days it reaches us in so many ways... especially online. When it's so easy to come across information, it follows that it's easy to come across trash. I've had to cut out so many websites. So many websites fuarrrking suck. Ads, propaganda, clickbait... pumped into millions of brains. Yet it's hard to rip away. Even here, on lainchain, I wonder how much of this is content is worth consuming. How will it effect me... how will I feel after having the information I consume on here reflect through the infinite mirrors of the mind. How will it fit and interact with the rest of my memories, how will it dance with my thoughts. I gotta admit, I'm pretty bad at writing stream of consciousness, but this is a good exercise.... anyways,,,, the matrix. Yes, the amtrix. This is what it is. It goes beyond what the wachowskis had in mind. The matrix is embedded inside each of us as much as we are embedded in it. This is a consequence of every signle bit of information changing us. Think of how much information is only in us because others transmit it. One example is guilt. Why do we feel guilty? Where does it come from? I don't thin it's "real". I think it's a completely artifical fabrication we take part in in order to maintain some sense of order. A dance we danced for so long we don't konww why we do it. Guilt is what happens when you try to rationalize pain. Maybe not, but undoubtedly so much bullshit comes from rationalizing pain,,,, from rationalizing things that should not be rationalized. But when your only tool is a hammer...

Whenever i think to myself i wonder about how the world around me is changing this little box that holds all of my thoughts as i jot down anything that comes to mind leaves me feeling a bit empty inside. I wish i could just join the air force already i want to leave my grandmas house and get out of this box with no insulation and cats and dogs everywhere i want to have a career i want an education i want a girlfriend i just want to fuarrrking live my life explore who i am when will finish exploring who i am

I don't know how I should feel about this. I was always aware, that I have these ups and downs in my life and that I was always wondering why my life is so hard compared to others. The fact that literally all people on Earth think this makes it hard to talk to someone, who is really affected by this and not just some guy who types made up depression in his bio to make him appear more deep. It's until today that I learned about something called bipolar disorder and it really seems like a lot of other people share the same problems as me. It went at first to an existential crisis, then follow by me just accepting that I might be shizophrenic and now this one. It makes it hard to sleep at night and makes keeping up relationships really hard since you are constantly changing as a person. Otherwise those emotional boosts or those ups are really refreshing and useful for when you have to do a presentation, go outside, ask someone out, need to be a motivational speaker,...

Clutter. It's the necessary by-product of any system which hasn't got the time to process all the more or less important things into a reasonable whole. Clutter makes no sense. Why? Because it lacks a context. What's a context? It's a relation of one thing to another thing. Like the keys in a piano. The keys/notes only make sense when they are arranged into a reasonable whole. So, what makes a reasonable whole? I have no idea. But I know that it's something separate from clutter. You'll know clutter when you see it. I have an unfinished painting, which has been sitting in the corner of my room for more than three years. I should finish it someday. I also have unfinished books, which have been laying in my room for almost a year. They are loan books from my library. Sometimes I feel like nothing ever goes my way. I try and try, but nothing reasonable comes from this trying. Seven minutes. Just yesterday I looked up what my old schoolmates were doing with their lives and I was struck with jealousy and malice. Hold on. This isn't /vent/. I should stop at once. Yeah. A mosquito. Pesky little things. I hate them. And summer. I think I should go offline soon. Get my things in order. Tick tock goes the klock.

okay, let's do it. first i have to get rid of all the "pre-building", aka. speculative preconnections that my quick-thinking psyche makes as i start thinking about what i'm going to make. the easiest way i know how to do that is stopping a bit, hitting enter and starting a new line, hold on. of course i'm going to start writing something planned in advance, but here i am and i have no plan anymore. it's all a spiel of music to the soundtrack of useless thoughts being beamed here and there with haphazard rhymes at will, randomly, just as i see fit. while none of this makes sense, it doesn't need to. sense is a subjective thing when the universe is all a dream we just happen to share. we can give and receive reason. and we must augment ourselves just like that. the ability not only to self-actualize, but also to bring to this world more than the environment from which we preciously birthed, is of paramount importance. the aristocracy does deserve to rule. and i think about this.

Tappity tap tap

>>2295 Whoa, it's the beach in Porco Rosso

My first post here. I'm likely stupid new user, so probably it won't matter what I would say. But I see people being open about their problems, which to many would be surprising, but somehow isn't to me. Although I'm young I've managed to learn that anonymously, people can reveal many things they wouldn't normally say. I think that this is just manifestation of emergence. This is how professionally we call phenomena that behave completely different than parts they are build of. Like simple molecules behave different than things build of them. Or collonies made of simple insects. The very good example of emergence is how quantum mechanics in small scale becomes classical mechanics in bigger. Obviously, it's huge simplification, but it works. And I think sometimes this happens also on chans. Obviously other parts of Internet are likely to display emergence, too. But it's limited due to few reasons. Anyway, I'm just new user, who just started using chans, and is only going to waste his time here, just like do it all the time. It's so sad when you know that you are trully gifted person, but you're also too weak or lazy to do anything important. I just hope it's phase and somehow I'll manage to escape this apathy.

>>2273 I do think that main problem when it comes to rationalization is to know that rationality/reason and feelings/faith aren't excluding each other, but complementing. This concept of fight between those two is plain stupid, wrong and harmful. So it's promoted by mainstream.

sorry for my bad english, and here we start, i don't know , is it normal? i keep thinking, about someone, no , something, i think im the chosen one, i want to learn linux but i know that ill screw it up and i know that i will burn my soykafty pc , i dont belong anywhere i tried to do it once , i tried to hang myself with the charger, with the fuarrrking charger, i cant, its all meaningless, people are simple , they make me sick, everything is unironically somekind of an unspecified point in this meaningless universe, am i alone? why was i like that, they laugh, they keep laughing, why are they laughing? why are they simple? why are they the error in this planet, why cant everything just be good and why cant we enjoy this good, i cant think about life , i think about things that i dont know soykaf about, things that require me to learn them before thinking about them, i just want to feel it, hugging, people hug eachother, i hug the wall before i sleep, why? i dont know, maybe its just because im the most autistic teen ever existed, im nothing, im nobody, im the most boring thing on the planet, i keep thinking about me being crossed, i keep thinking about me being murdered, im not afraid of that and that somehow satisfies me for some reason, why is everything so complicared and simple at the same time? why cant we just be the people we are, was it like that in the past? were we just a pathetic group of mankind that only does what its selfish self want? or maybe they did it, they caused it, i dont blame the intenet , i blame people that controlled most of it, i blame everyone that is a part of any government on earth, i blame them for ruining it, this is my last place, i cant go anywhere else, i just want to learn linux.

>>2301 https://youtu.be/MRJ3WfVe31U I'm pretty new to lainchan, but is "learning Linux" like a meme here? Lainon, the world is full of awful people, but also full of people like you. It takes a lot of courage to kill yourself. You could use this courage to meet new people who are like you and find new ways to live your life. Social media is a prison to make people feel, like they don't have enough stuff, aren't happy enough, haven't found the perfect partner,... Nobody wants other people to be happier than yourself, since there is something like envy. They don't want you to be happy and you let this soykafty lifestyle of others affect yours. There is no meaning on life. Stop searching for it. Just accept there is none and enjoy it. Try installing Ubuntu. It's the most user friendly and has a strong backbone through its community. Don't fall for the arch meme. If it's too hard, follow an installation walkthrough on YouTube.

Im at a party and boy it's loud and forbidding and all I want is the visuals of lions killing their prey to accompany the pounding music. I want to accompany this with the most upsetting visceral scenes of carnage and have people either leave in disgust or join in my trance like celebration of life and death. My battery is at 44% and the music is calming. My neck hurts from all the dancing I did, all the convulsing as I contorted myself and yelled at some unsuspecting couple about how infanticide is preferable to abortion when it comes to fulfillment of dharma. My heart is beating hard and the pain in my pelvis has subsided, the offering of crazed celebration has sated the pain. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I need to grasp it by the horns, go to the library, read like I'm running out of time and capture what there is to find in this life. I want to get better with my computer skills and I want to climb and scratch my way into success academically. I miss my best friend and hope he embraces my same thirst for the struggle. I can't read Evola easily but I think he'd understand my struggle, maybe forgive me for the crimes of my sex. And it's not that I hate being female, whatever, it's just that the struggle to create and destroy and fight seems so rare. I feel alone and yet surrounded by people who need to witness this. I wiggle my foot and feel mildly nauseated as the four shots of gin refuse to settle into my stomach, but I'll be okay. If I must I'll bicycle into the night and go look at the night lights of my city before I sleep, because the semester will start soon and I want to record my nocturnal travels. I'm not afraid anymore. I feel lethal and ready to take on the world. I'm more and more loyal to my own soul; I listen to no one but my own conscience. I face the pain and scream and scream and feel like the battle is won because I'm fighting. I won't lay down and forgive my aggressors, I won't pretend to be harmless and therefore I will overcome any evil. A friend looks over and nods along to the music. Tonight I let myself have fun, and I realize that whatever I do, I am moving forward in my life. I won't get this time back, and that's a good thing. The DJ is done with his set.

>>2305 didn't realize that everyone name users here, it's my first time posting and I never noticed that large glaring detail. I'm Sophia, that's my name! I hope

>>2306 lmao, they're randomly generated, we are all Lain

>>2307 Oh, damn! I learnt something new today. I'm mildly flustered but mostly just glad you told me so I don't mess up again. I try my best to not make new user mistakes but life is life.

aaaaaaa screech babble bumblefuck mower blade face cut ouchy wowchy trees are breathing extra extra blank all about it whooosh bloosh can i crazy blaze it maze cant think cant think cant think i am god why do i hate my kids i dont even have kids call me im out breath realized it not scared even though it did squeeze and i cant trees the doo dah daily ever again my brain broken is it probably lol dont even care lol pretty sure i cant remember anything ever not even couple days ago whatever it was probably stupid anyways dont even need it for what i do and cant now either i think i mistyped something but i feel like it doesnt matter right now eyes closed keyboard types almost bedtime gotta work tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life which is like kicking dead whales down the beach but oh well what can i do about it dont care much cuz nothing im done because i feel like narrating my days now and its boring i hate when people do it to me why should i expect others to like it sorry canadian but im not lol it was a joke

What am I even supposed to do here? What am I even doing here? Why am i even alive? What's the point? What's the point in asking? What does it matter? What if I really do have no hope...no home where a heart is...no love. All my friends are dead. I want a burrito. Why am I thinking about burritos. I just want to not have everything be so terrible. I'm terrible. I want to be good. I don't know what to do. I need drugs. Why is that I can't get ahold of drugs. It's just synthetic emotion though but better than this nothingness maybe. I don't know. I am nothing but I am something. Am I here or am I there? Do "I" exist? Is there an "I"? Am I just part of someone's imagination? I just...I don't know. I can't take this anymore. What is that noise? Crickets are chirping too. Do I need to change the lightbulb. Am I out of ideas? Is my head this much a less? Help.... Has it been ten minutes? I forgot to time. What is time? If time is part of space-time then as I sit still I really am moving? Then why does it feel I am always going nowhere? I wish I could cry. I wish I could die. I wish upon a star hah. A UFO in the sky. Maybe if one was there they could take me but I have nowhere to go...

wrestle with the vessel of emotion in the rest of the universe never at rest in the mirage of a test a dream i manifest throughout the lesser known archetype, awakened from a slumber where time is just a number in the sequence i frequently speak to them when life is bleak and thin and I feel i've said to much so i retreat to my "room" and such and sulk wondering if i've touched the right/write button, so i erase/delete/repeat in the cycle of defeat gn

What if i don't think of anythnig? clear my mind? i was planning on meditating anyways, but i wonder if one can be said to not think of any thing really. Anyways, this is probably an excellent fingerprint of me as a writer of replies on threads, with so much content in one place with so little though. I wonder if someone would be able to find other posts and relate them to me. oprobably, i'm being paranoid here though. I wonder if i someone i know would recognize me from reading this post.. i want to think not, that i'm alone, in private, safe, but maybe... you never know.. I thought that it was strange how short all of these posts are, considering the time limit of 10 minutes seems pretty long, but idk. idk anything but that idk anything but ... Is this non-terminating sentence meaningful? i figure it'd have something to do with turing completeness and or decision that must be made between the axiom of choice and the other one... the one about omega games .. idk the name, I think there must be some non-terimnating sentences or phrases which have meaning, but i'm probably , not all of them do ( assuming the axiom of choice ). I think that this phrase was meant to mean something though.. Yes , it's clear that there should be a way to construct this idea from simlper phrases. But then a gain , that wouldn't mean anything about this is too coherent is'nt it... I feel like i should have some emotion, but there is none in my mind. I am not following the rules. I am editing a bit. typoes and deleting and rewording, but this is how i type ok. I feel like the other posts are about something relevant to the speaker, but me i'm just typing useless information and spreading inutile projections of nebulous half-thoughts through too many sentences over and over again.

Sure, Posing the raw text, no fixing or changing after I stopped writing: at the current moment i seem to be in a state of disreapair, The only thing that i can seem to enter into is a state of sadness and or happieness depending on exactly what is happening in the moment of m y life, The only thing that i desire anymore is someone to hold, nothing more, no sex, maybe not even a relationship just osmeone tohold, just to feel love once more, ofr the last time ive felt unloved ever since she up and left. studiers are gonig well though ,atleast thats what my mind believes, i know that ultimatedly what im learing may be useless to me, The electrical trade is something interesting for shore however i sumply feel asthough ill never take off. atleast the thing i desire most is reasonable, although truthfully desires are what im trying to cutt out, the only thing that is stopping me from living a subtle nad undisclosed life now is my father ,i know htat he wants to see be become the best i can be and thus for those reasons i am briing my best not to fuarrrk up and tuin myself, Truthfully he most likely thunk sless fo me however u known not.. The kwy to ultumate understanding of all life is that the idea of an perfect immortal being is complete bullshit, of once was perfect and all knowing then suresly free will would have to be sacrificed as after all if one knows all then all events must in soeway be predetermind, the more logical and snesible wa t yo biew ther world is that of gods existing not in the idea of acutal beings but rather as just membetrs of another race, perhaps all god s have existed and simply died out before there return, perhaps jesus got jumped waiting at the god-bussstip who the fuarrrk knows, not us lesser being thats for fuarrrking sire. If this world view is more correct then it explains alot, ehy gods just up and leav, ehy thrrtr are so many fuarrrking gods in the first place and exactly why the gods are not truthfully all powerful in any stories. if a god was all powerfull urely he would just make pleasure only come in the form of worship. IDK i mean the entire belief that we are alone is fuarrrked anyway. I can hear the timer tiking down now, guess its time to stop.3

Flipflopping. Feeling one thing and then shortly after feeling another thing. Whims change rapidly leaving conflicting viewpoints where once there were none. That's the pervue of life. We have to deal with an ever increasingly fickle set of circumstances. It isn't for us to decide. We are at once driver and passenger, being pulled along in first person view by an unknown and unknowable concoction of builtup events and chemicals interacting in ways stretching out from each of us infinitely into the past and likewise into the future. That isn't to say our awareness won't end one day. At least I think so. We come together through happenstance, a perfect amalgmation of matter and energy to experience this exact moment. No more, no less. In perpetuity until the inertia bestowed upon us at birth finally runs out. Whereupon we're returned to the void. Like sleeping during a dreamless night. That doesn't sound half bad to be honest. It doesn't sound good either but nothing to be afraid of. Being mindful of ourselves is one of our greatest treasures. It allows us to keep a finger on the pulse of our fickle desires and moment to moment reactions to life. It's easy to let the present moment get away from you. It takes practice to not only recognize this has happened but also pull ourselves back to it. The past and the future are much more seductive than the present. This is almost always true no matter what we're doing. So being able to refocus our attention to the here and now is valuable skill. Green is a comfortable colour. It reminds me of nature.

I'm not going to attempt to fix the typos. I think they make it feel more authentic, in a way. Contemplation of existence is an interesting thing. We humans have existed ffor a very long time, and as such it's important. It makes us. Human. How do we come to terms with our own existence? I don't think we really ever do, but it's an interesting thought. Maybe someday I'll have a existence within a network of some kind. If considered consciousness, that is. I can't help but wonder how it'd be to exist in a system like that. it's all I'd ever want, really. But is existing in a system a violation of what we consider to be consciousness? Wat is consciousness? I don't think it's immaterial in any manner. We exist in a material world. Something to do with materialism. Religion and spirituality are unfalsifiable. I just hope to get better at technology. Understand it on a different level. Make friends who also understand it. Change the world, even in a small way. The poepel who control the technology are the ones who rule. They come up with how the media represents things, who represents them, et cetera. but then again what do I know. I just want badass robot arms. Is this wrong? Perhaps I'm not doing this right, perhaps I need to be making a conscious attempt to document incoherent thoughts as well to get a proper stream of sconsiocus. Who knows. it's strange. learning LM is nice. working in a virtual machine for the first time was cool. Still nothing in the fgrand sceme. I hacve no clue. Maybe I will some oher day. But for now I'll just be working in simple terms. I sometimes desire love. Most of those feelings have died. Don't know why. Mayber I'm a machine without without souls at this point. Just do, don't think. Don't feel, more like. Sometimes I wonder if I died. MTBE NOt. Maybe never lived. why? Metaphysicals, et cetera. Eating out at a restaurant with family the other day. My aunt, very old. Reminded me I'll die soon. In a way it's strange, old people never seem to change who they are at their core. I doubt my aunt has greatly changed her reasoning, or the way she approaches things. Perhaps that's the indivudiality us humans innately possess. It seems we're all uniuqe, and yet not. I struggle with a sense of individuality. What makes me different? Is it possible to be different? I see memes circulated on social media sometimes. Sometimes seeing so many people like the same thing sends me into a state of depersonalization.

I'd had this feeling for a while, it is very much 'a splinter in my mind', that I am just short of something. Do you know that aha moment you have, when everything clicks into place, when you finally see what it is you've been turning over in your mind for some long. "of course, it makes sense now, it makes perfect sense, I can see it from so many angles", now imagine the feeling that precedes that, the feeling of "I've almost got it, i've almost worked it out. I feel that all the time, as if there is a new mode of thinking, just above my own, another 'level' of the mind, if that make any kind of sense. Something up above where I'm thinking now. I think of it like language, without words we are able to produce complicated simulations in our head, unable to plan ahead or logically step through things, words have given us the ability to condense large thoughts and concepts into tiny ones, and then use those compressed ideas as building blocks in some kind of inter-relationship with each other, forming a new type of thing, a logical construct. I feel as if there is something like a "logical construct 2", something our minds are technically capable of, but we have yet to 'think' in this way. Just like feral children who are never taught language, I compare what we are now to that, in comparison to this idea I am trying to grasp. we are capable of a more... mentally empowered way of life. I struggle with this daily, and late at night it is all I can think about, like my mind is seeking a path to it. Maybe I'm just going crazy, but if anyone else has felt this, please let me know.

SIncerely, I wish that my brother does not disturb me while I am writing this. I really feel... wrong. People change, including me. In fact, I don't know what to feel about turning into the type of person that I hate the most or that I actually was the type of person that I hate the most now. I really miss them. Yintech, Theo, Nous... Everybody. I met so many nice people, and did really nice things, and went to really beautyful places in my dreams. But this world is cruel, it is really a shame that I will just sleep for about 1/3rd of my life, and I will dream for only a fraction of this. It is also a shame that this world is so fuaaarking soykaf that sloly but surely I lost my determination to learn, now I just want to be a mediocre person with a mediocre job, a mediocre salary and live in a small comfy home. I want to continue learning coding, however I just have no determination left. I want to continue learning calculus even though I am on high school, however what was now a hobby is just a voice that screams who I am: somebody here in this world, nothing more nothing less. I am not intelligent enough. I wanted to continue learning infosec, however I now do not have the determination to get resources to get started. I want to learn propositional logic and modal logic, however I just don't want to see everything I have learned again just to learn more things. I really hate myself, however I gave up even on suicide and my body just wants to suffer. Yeah, I know, muh edge, however I really do not want to think about anything right now. On the bright side, there is, well, nothing I can think of. Everything is being destroyed. Things I liked and things other people used to like. This world is really disgusting. (addendum: pic related, closest I could find to Yintech)

First time posting here and first time trying this out dont think anythin will come out or during but i might as well try try out and try anything like in the moon so stuff wouldnt bother me like it used to but I think id rather try and try out or atry anything at all like in miy mind where things tend to mix unlinke my miouth but things t=do tend to get mixed up alot in my mouth. not that thats supposed to be an innuendo or anything or an album at all i just kind of wihs thing s were slower and more static like the sort of stuff you see on television and anime, i do watch too much anime for my own good and i even stuffed myself of it and more thank you cant ell and tell you cnanot. I stopped and feel bad about it I hope this time i might really one out but as you cant tell I PROB WONT. IM DOING AT OF TYPOS BUT i dont think it matters i hardly think any ways nor do i sleep but I wish id sleep more a door is like the hand and a soul is a grab a grab that suits your mind and the noise it makes, like a whale or a dolphin or a nice house by the riverside, jsut listening ot the waves all day passing through your eyes, and ears or both, or none. And Ii wish it was none for i really hope i could just block out all the info coming through those and my tastebuds nothing like home or home like my own and I gotta stop and take break a break for the bath or to see the hour, maybe, maybe not, maybe not or maybe not. I stopped again this is really lame lol, but my time is getting faster, 2 mins every each and one and I think im gettingmore and more n=into the zone a man with the motro left running a man in the seaside watching the whales aor the cars and the cars or the whales and i can see him walking on either into the city or into the sea and I wsh I was next to him and walk sbesdies him i see the door and the seaside and the whales that go through a little house fairy not into my ear or my eye and my own little cave where no one can hide and I wish how I wish i could hide from it from anything really. I stopped again and I dont think this is doing anything at all but make me thing of searelated things so I might as well quit halfway.

I lack the ability to achieve my coveted ends. Buddhism taught something about the removal of desire.. though I always thought that nigh impossible. All I wanted was this; to be perpetually joyous.. to exist in a state of heightened pleasure.. and to witness the dismay in my enemies expression when you seize his throne. Now I see my micro role in in the very macro world.. and I'll be lucky if I merely survive and subsist, much less thrive and dominate.

Tired. I'm so tired. What the hell is going on? There's nothing. Nothing to do, no one to know, no where to go. I'm a parasite. Bored. I should be studying. What a waste of time. Waste. Everything is a waste of time. I don't know what to type. This music is odd. I wonder if others listened to music while writing their things. I drink too much. My mind is empty. Am I dead. There is no "I", just a process. Self-model mistaken for an actual thing. Naive direct realism. My drug is distraction. Consciousness is maladaptive so it needed to be toned down. Distraction is my preferred drug. The cosmic horror of being a parasite. No more significant than a rock or a potato. Lol. This music is trippy, stop trying to be existential. I'm not trying. Yes you are. Am I? No. I should've read what others wrote first. Or would that have made this less authentic. Probably. It's kind of embarrassing though. Energy drink. Oh soykaf I need to study. "just a few more hours of distraction" said my brain. "My" brain as if that's not me. You're consciously avoiding your responsibilities. WHy? Why not. Because it's gonna make things hard for you. Idc. You should. I know. Ok whatever. Lainnon wrote "motherfucker". Oedipus lol. You're not even laughing. Yeah but the idea is to write whatever comes to mind. Great. That makes no sense. Type here to search. Windows is soykaf. DDT is pretty cool. Is ten minutes up already? fuarrrk that's a long time. I should clean my room. Later maybe. How much am I really censoring from this? At least some, I know that much. Why? Are you afraid lainons will judge you lol. No but this is sort of intimate regardless. I'm not comfortable with that. Holy soykaf I bet no one else has internal dialogue in their heads. Bullshit that should be common, you're not special. No but I'm odd. No you're not. Ok. Weird. Everyone does this differently. That one room. Cryptocrap is soykaf. No it's great. It's dead. Yeah. But some oldies came back. Tired. No interesting thoughts. Boring. You're boring. I'm boring. I wonder. Distracted. fuarrrking gross. Suicide. Annihilation is the highest form of consciousness. This music is getting old. Anyway. A technological singularity would instantly switch itself off after realizing its own utility function is arbitrary. Or would it? Maybe it would just modify itself to be in constant euphoria. Why bother, non-existence is not a bad thing. I need a new keyboard and mouse. Not really though. I'm thinking about this too much, fixing typos as they happen. Maybe I'm doing this wrong. You can't do this wrong you moron.

So called cognitive impairment.. or something.. an absolute death sentence concerning what again.. you know my doctor once told me I have problems with courtship protocol.. more like she'll inject me with the plague for looking like an ogre.. there's intellectual disability of several different type.. these people are everywhere. In their hidey holes.. laying in wait.. and I'm not even sure what the procedure for people like this is.. Oh god what if I'm a John.. an invalid.. a fool.. or a conman. It's imperative we help each other out where we can.. want to know something I noticed with my self gathered empirically collected data.. but I can't think it.. dear god. My prefrontal is fuarrrkED. At least I don't have aphantasia...

>>2301 > i hug the wall before i sleep I do that too.

This is my legacy. A bunch of sentences strewn together out of desperation, using words that have been repeated until their meanings were lost. The keyboard I type on has seen so many strokes that the incongruity is seemingly analogous to a fire in the evening of your last birthday. I haven't heard that voice in years, that one voice that so smoothly explains that everything is going to be okay. The voice that explains objectivity, the one belonging to the past, present, and future. The arcade we visited in our childhood has been closed for years now. That just goes to show how infinitesimal the barking of a dog is, when the cat next door is merely napping away at its leisure. When we lose sight of the nail in the wood, is the moment be begin to tear down our own creation. There is no action that cannot be accounted for. The only void is that of conception. Finding light is as simple as flipping a switch, but who told us that we'd get shocked and die if we turned it on? It was them. The ones we created within the imagination of our darkness. The ones who tell you to find something better, but all the while tease you with insults of incapability. How many sleepless nights have you pondered the worth of waking up the next moment? If you can count that number, you have already lost the game. Upon your return to paradise none will hail your name. Neither will the freights of joy and harmony deliver their package to your doorstep. That is what is taught to those of us who watched Disney movies at a young age. Race? Politics? Economy? Civilization? These toys are merely a treat, used as a means of refuge from responsibility as an organism who creates. We are a creative organism. Creation is our function. Creation besets silence, for the chaos of order has effects that no scale can measure. Freedom and restraint cannot be justified when those who would utilize it have no desire to benefit their kin. Although many of us could agree that someone cares, none of us can truly prove that inwardly or outwardly. After so many years there cannot be another trait of heroic skepticism unless the keystone of regularity is discovered and employed upon the bridge of humanity.

My half black baby.. had me beer gogs on one night mate and that nigress was looking finer than a 40 karat diamond.. chocolicious.. nah mate joking.. I find it humorous.. seminal reparations. African girls are piss easy to make fall in love mate.. Been thinking about relationship dynamics.. clueless.. bonding cycle innit? A lot of girls caught up in that.. their very nature betrays their best interests. I been led to believe money matters.. seem to me persona matters most of all.. lots of guys scoring flings and the like.. and the ability to pair bond. Once that bond is formed.. it lasts years.. takes a hero to drive them apart.

Eh hmm I can't see how things do what they do why are they things I wonder shat do I do to be a successful person aah I have to wake up early tomorrow. Ah it's late and I should be alepin so why am I still here in his miserable place with those miserable people. I hate it I hateit I hate it go away leave me a lone e I don't want you I don't need you go die die die don't talk to Mme again don't show me your face I hate verythoe everyone of you I don't belong with you people I want a better life with smarter people I want a better environment where I can reach my full potential I want to try different things but this environment is killing me I want out please

I think my subconsciousness is playing with me.. start: I have recently bestowed upon myself the holiness of number 9. It is first from the 3rd )try( nodal interface that these digits do become relevent. first it opens up from late synthpart excersice farled by a dastardly exciting implosion of narcosudial rust. The first digit is the *real* that others are *percieve* just therein your thrustvault of vision. It is then at another point that a second revelation is revered at its crosspoint of the first nodial intervention of the object of perception - the sight of your action - then the second intervention - the repeated action with still in thus due sight on your interface. Thus therefore a patteren is observed. You go in complete trust to your self for the 3rd night long real((lest)) of them all. ur own life. ur own world. ur internal exception mechanism is present. A piston firing carefully is sighted in this realm. It is what you choose to feel the observation of and which you don't feel the observation of in the gate zone of which *perception* you deem to be *real*. Due to the nature of the multiple observations there is a certain dialectical rift in between each one of them. This is the purpose of certain repetitious sightings of "rift" or "slit." A third star will always show the one true for ONLY you, even if attempted to be bestowed upon an object who is in your first or third star orbit. there is a truth in the 9. The 9 is the fusion of two 3 stars. The 9 is the fusion of two 3 stars. This would of course make a 9 and not a 6 due to the exponential nature of reality *Fusion* Thus the esoteric combination of two *cult personalities* will keep a 9th star interface as the recognition for observing 1 or 2 stars. Of course the advantages of a 9th star are that the 1 or 2 star observation decks can be grantified 3 star reality visions of your 9nth star. This is the only time that a 3 star recognition of the 9nth bay deck. There 9 is

Blasted kerfuffle minx , haha really random yes good one that was hilarious man haha yeah thanks. Let's go to the pub after this, my son would have a blast in cyberspace cyberdelic psychedelic alphabet soup kitchen. Went off the railroad, again to the soykaf kitchen. Blast furnace coping mechanisms abound the stupid millenials don't know how to use the rock. Dagnabit. Mangabit Cube album, ghosts in the night. Sleep deprivation makes my thoughts able to flow in really retarded streams. Cybernautic continuous autophagy. Contiguous automata network. Anatomic phisiological constructs of iron and minds conforming to the parent mind. Cyber. Conflate the two with one another don't do it, when you do it he wont like it no sir, conflation with the highest order of human beings above the rest and flying to the sky which is reality. Post it again. Plot 2 wasn't that great, but I see potential.

>>2434 Without conscious effort: filter it out will you its not enough room for the rest of our self filter filter what tehe fuarrrk amazing what youve done here isnt it asshole okay thats enough out of you picklehead can you just get on with the experiment and call the man by his real name instead of being such an asshole to the people at the frontdesk, you really need to learn how to behave yourself you know, along the lines of that at least you can do it, am I right or am I wrong that you need to do that huh yeah ok ok whatever just go to the 5th level on the astronautic assembly chamber and get your job done what do I pay you for out here, you just stand around humming that same tune over and over again and never give me time alone, the boss would hate you if I told him about this, enough dilly dallynig now I need to get back home, I have a new sex bot I'd like to use and you'e holding me back. constructive criticism is not wanted or needed I am god, goodbye to the world of space and time hello to the world of pure thought and creation goodbye to the old physical, hello to the subjective conscious experience of all possible realites that can be experienced in the conscious mind. I am be. Conglogate conflagulate coaxuationally juxtaposed to the mud slidenous cox. Cogulate conga line dont you remember what conga lines are this is rediculous just get behind me and lets go, lets dance at the rave want to go to the rave tomorrow

I miss the warm sun in the winter and the white oaks. The trees were my favorite. There was something that I couldn't comprehend, like a blanket and no existential dread; no bills. Just life and a future. Now I feel like I have a future that is smaller ahead of me than a past. I was happy in the woods. Now I am vulnerable, naked in a city. I have no future. I am afraid of where I will end. Never again enjoying the cool winter in Mississippi in the woods. I'm stuck as violated as a rape victim. I am a specimen under a microscope. I only hope that one day I can feel what I felt before. There was a time far away from here when I was safe and I could do as I pleased. Now I am a prisoner.

>>132 I love the first one

I've been telling myself i shouldn't go down that route, yet here i am yet again doing this and, i don't even understand why i do this anymore i guess it doesn't really make sense anymore, i used to do this for fun, i mean sometimes i still do it just for fun but now it just feels so dark, it's just wrong i guess i can't really get into it anymore just because i'm not really sure of what i'm doing, things feel surreal sometimes i guess, how the shape of some may be extremely different to others but sometimes even different to what they looked like before, there's not much that i can really do to get them back to ow they were even if that was just moments ago, even if it was how everything just used to look all the time and they suddenly change, it's so weird, i, sometimes, just get really bothered because of that i guess, it's not that i'm insecure of what i'm doing, sometimes it's something else, my body maybe acts up i guess, it doesn't really make sense to be cured like this but anyways, guess i'll put up with it for the time, i don't really have to i guess, there's so much stuff that we didn't have back then, so that makes it easier, but still it's so weird when things just shift their forms even if it's for good, it just feels like their old form has left a hole in me, just how i miss it was like before, even if i know it's better now, it's nicer and everything just works out better like it is now, but i can't ignore the nostalgia that just tells me it wants it back how it was before, just like now, i go in a loop, because i just can't go deep enough to be confident with my response, there's so many ifs i have to address so i can make sense, i shouldn't really stop and look and just keep going, but sometimes i just can't help to see what my latest action has caused, it may sound so weird but i guess it works for me, even when it doesn't i'm kinda glad i did, i still have 3 minutes left, huh? i guess it might be, the music is sometimes so soothing, i guess sometimes i don't notice it's still playing, it just plays and plays on the back of my head and i just don't care enough to move it, and unless it's something that deserves attention it just stays like that, sometimes i'll notice something pretty outstanding and i have to go back to it, check what it was, and see why it caught my attention, sometimes it's because it's good, sometimes it's because it's bad i never really know, until i go back and check it again, it's kinda weird how that works, sometimes i try to stop myself from checking on it and just let go and enjoy the moment, but i just feel like it;s wrong, it requires acknowledgement i an't just let things pass i could be missing out on something fun, on something that could make me amused again, it's just how much i can really get from it that matters because

none none none none none none the loop begins ends begins ends begins ends begins ends begins ends how to break it ends begins

Came here book reccomendations keyboared but actually thinking keyboard of correction linen? no unsure how to proccede how spell? why questionmark unsure no or not cannot do or know why deleted for sure because not accurate enter enter i wonder if you understand or if that idioacy blankness, wonder if truly so but i am unsure if that was true or not blankness, light headed itch left side, but not itch -- tension commas wierd tjhing distant hard dark abysss came here book reccomendation now off topic dark itch, but no tension blankness misspell i am now back on itch topic but the window bird parakeet window latin paper from (deleted) could have to delete (deleted) delete too personal why could i if dox? no yes multiple thoughts no no no to that no after space, wanting to delete book reccomendation cage bird dark eyes dart unsure wish to procede but caught off guard sounds noise white noise awareness of sound itch pain reccomendations internal do not reproduce red the mumble server do i need to type all out unsure unwanting humerous cringe and odd, weird, social ostricization unconfident odd not odd unsure sure pain, tension book reccomendation for ethereal nature? itch pain bird cockatiel call is he safe cats door foyer house french literature les miserables can't remember if how spelled? weird thing over e? latin knowlege of words syntax large portion of life i wonder, entered to sperate coherent and inchorerent, if you will understand thought lost. oh yes, latin dark itch, no it is not itch why do i keep typing and saying so? the incident /zzz/ copying did i? hand thumb self reflection keyboard purple pink colors dark funny ghost stories anime usa 2011 fullmetal stop not interesting blankness actually book reccomendations please why came here desire the prince no the idiot ethereal dreams head overwhelming but actually did not think such word or did i cant tell cant tell cant tell repetition unsure if actually unconcious or concious 10 minutes did not follow but i swear i thought of this yet it isnt typed here sure double space wave awareness thimble tick head back of facial hair arrow ear why stomach