(untitled)

At times I begin to wonder if I am the problem. Do places, including Lainchan, endlessly turn me away because I actually want it that way? How is it that I can do the same thing over and over again, knowing I have no desire to belong or be part of anything, and yet still bother to feel in some way cast out, rejected, or betrayed when inevitably it occurs. The mind knows and realizes, but the heart still responds under compulsion to this experience. Which causes self disgust and then amplifies severence, alienation, and indirected self destruction (death and rebirth, polarity) impulses in the future. It is an attempt to rid myself of this sensation, this divided mind. The will is trying to force the body and mind tobe one thing, but it won't cooperate. The world conspires to helpme get what I want but it's never enough. I keep trying to ascend and I just end up back where I started. Looping endlessly, a moth beating itself to death against a false light, hoping to finally burn itself to ashes and be remade. Truly ridiculous, in a way. I had a migraine recently and it is in these moments that the obvious truths come into view. An odd clarity.

Eat a lot of mushrooms and this matter will confront you head on. This may prompt you to change your ways, or to accept your nature as it is.

>>45547 Based and redpilled

>>45547 really hot take, but if you got the heat to take it, this is a true FPBP. been there before many times, will definitely be there again soon. we all can always improve, and be self accepting, more.

Hey, I feel the same way. I think it's just learned behavior from trauma. I think that looking into the feelings you get from going outside what is comfortable will help. There doesn't need to be action, just an observation of things. Maybe these untapped parts will be able to be integrated little by little. I think also trying to not feel disgusted and forgiving yourself will help. I hope you can feel better at some point and that people you care about you accept you during sucu change.