Bastard

I'm someone who's always been harsh on myself past a certain point in my life. When I realized I was no different than anyone else I'd hold myself to stern criticism when things didn't turn out great, because I'm not "special." Hardly anyone can say that about themselves. If I had to guess this has been going on for maybe tenish(?) years now. Point is, this has changed the outlook I had on myself to be critical to the point of being almost "self-bullying." Fast forward to today and I've partly given up on myself because I fuarrrked up a few things with the same form of selfishness helming it, and if I were a better person I maybe could've improved after the first two times it happened but never did. After this sort of self-surrender I internally paint myself in this new light and after awhile it's affecting my behavior. I'll have senseless, violent thoughts I type out just so they can leave my head for a bit. Sometimes I'll have images of myself twitching (usually my hands) in my head, which my body might do involuntarily if my anger's vivid enough. I've grown a new fascination with Hell despite not really being sure if I believe in it. Mainly so I can project the idea that I'll end up there. I'm not sure what mental illness/quirk this sort of crap would be classified under. Point is this harsh self-perspective is now physically and mentally affecting me like it never has before. Logically I know I should get help, but emotionally I tell myself I can't because I'm the bastard who backed himself into this corner. And maybe at that point it's something I should just live with if it's a problem I created for myself. I don't know what comes after this, I assume it isn't good, but at this point maybe I'll just ride it out. I'm a POS and if worst comes to worst whatever happens to me down the line is probably justified.

>>34376 Don't think so lowly of yourself. >I'm not sure what mental illness/quirk this sort of crap would be classified under. Doesn't matter.

>>34376 I did this for three years and ended up falling into depression which was fixed by meds and pma I guess. I'm quick to catch needlessly critical thoughts now but I still feel inferior to other people when confronted in social situations so that really is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Isolation is great but I can't keep running away forever...

>>34376 >I'm someone who's always been harsh on myself past a certain point in my life. >Point is, this has changed the outlook I had on myself to be critical to the point of being almost "self-bullying." I was pretty much the same and still am in a way. I would viciously overwork to the point of denying myself a normal life. I never had friends, never been on a date, went through college hardly speaking to anyone. Because I was a socially dysfunctional loner, the only reason anyone ever liked me was because of how hard I worked so I just doubled down on it. I'm nearly 30 and I feel like I wasted my entire youth. Now I'm a working adult and I never took the time to enjoy life. Just today, I saw a bunch of teens hanging out, chilling and doing juvenile stuff. It just filled me up with sadness, the fact that I missed out on that. I just feel depressed. Like my entire life is a failure.

>>34376 If it makes you feel better people who have chosen the doomed route are a lot more common than you might think. I am one of them and you sound a lot like what I'd say to be honest.

>>34376 Whatever they were putting out there with eg HAARP, injections, and chemtrails during covid ultimately triggered this self destruct response in me. My house of cards mind crumbled, my hollow life sprung many leaks and then finally imploded. I lost all inner control and tried to essentially brutalize the mind and body back into submission but the hardware wasn't capable of it. A lot of soykaf happened. >>34432 This except my body was damaged to the point where I couldn't disguise it and do normal person stuff like going to college. >I'm nearly 30 and I feel like I wasted my entire youth. Also literally and figuratively and utterly outright and honestly pretty plainly, this. Except I was trying to remain functional and being physically and psychologically tortured and punished daily for eating, moving wrong, facial expressions, showering / anything touching the scalp or temperature changes, and so on. Same result. I strongly believe things need to be done at the proper and ordained time. Our lives are actually scripted and run on a hard biological clock, most people are just engaged enough that their brain confabulates a narrative about how they came to feel and be such and such a way. In reality it happens regardless, because it's biologically scripted. To me this was very destructive. My options are to create an alternate reality (internal labyrinth), create a shell personality, imbue it with the traits required, then shift into it and gradually wipe my memory. Done it before. Or to just accept it. The notion that I'm just too old and lack everything required to constitute a real person or a fulfilled adult, loops in mind often. I was never truly a child, nor am I an adult. I am eternal and unchanging. An eternal adolescent watching everyone else grow old. I have to say Eva Rebuild 3.0+1.0 captured my psychology quite well. I have been all of those characters. I am gradually moving on. I know how to turn inner voids into power sources. At the core I associate connection of any kind with complete annihilation, death and rebirth. It is something that ends and remakes the world. So I suppose I am seemingly deciding to run away, again. I regret being more of a knower, hearer, and accumulator, a harvester really, than a real doer. Like I learned about "the dark retreat" 10+ years ago, where you block out all light and stay there for [days]. I regret not following through. I feel that I am too old now and that doing anything is more a matter of pretending, imitation, recitation, pointless and out of place, like me, pointless and out of place. I could travel but again, I am so old (and empty) now. A 15 (or 5) year old in an adult's body. I'm gradually getting over it though. Your post is hyper relateable, though I have no real feedback or advice to offer.