let me preface this by saying i'm not usually one for parties. i'm the type that will find any excuse to not go to a party simply because i don't like interacting with people that much.
with that being said, i was invited to a 21st bday party for a girl i used to work with, who we'll call jennifer. it was mostly girls from our old job that i already knew and my best friend from the same job (we'll call her chloe) was the one who invited me, so i agreed to go after fighting myself over it for some time.
from like 7am - 9pm we took a party bus around all the local bars and got trashed and in general just had a good time. i don't get out or drink much so it was a nice change of pace. around 5 or 6pm some drama happened and chloe asked me to go on a walk w her to get away from it before we got caught in the middle. naturally i went with her and we talked for about an hour or so about loneliness and society and just sitting by a creek next to the bar. this may have been the best part of the day for me to be honest, but it got me started on this emotional soykaf circus for the rest of the night and i didn't even realise it.
anyway, the end of the night comes around and we all go back to becca's house to watch movies n sleep. one of the girls from jennifer's college asks me where i plan on sleeping since there wasn't enough bed/couch space for everyone to sleep alone. enter the most thoroughly intoxicated girl at this party, we'll call her gabby, who immediately pulls me into the bed with her. problem solved.
now, i never had any type of feelings for gabby, she's very much not my type at all so i never saw her as particularly attractive, but we were always good friends. however, somewhere in her drunken state of mind, she decided to just hold me and smile, and then she kissed me. this was like the ultimate culmination of the conversation with chloe from earlier, and it wasn't until that moment that i realised how unbearably lonely i have made myself over the years. though i didn't feel a 'spark' per se, i felt some deep desire for connection being fulfilled and i had to hold myself back from actually sobbing on her.
i'm always very anxious staying away from home and i tend to wake up several times throughout the night from anxiety attacks, so i was weary about letting myself fall asleep with her but eventually we both passed out. i still did wake up several times, but every single time she would feel my heart racing and wrap her arms tight around me, assure me i was okay, and kiss me on the forehead. those short bursts of sleep were the best sleep i've had in a few years.
i know that i still don't have feelings for her, but damn i miss the feeling of being held like that, and waking up next to someone that cares about you. sleeping with someone isn't a new experience for me, but it doesn't happen often. i'm back to being anxious sleeping alone even at home now, and i know i'll get used to it again but it amazes me that one half-remembered experience can change so much so fast in your head/heart.
tl;dr a party reminded me of how much i miss being loved