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>live for years with a constant suicidal monologue, all other thoughts became unfocused >decide to get meds to see if it changes anything >they tune all suicidal ideation out, like plucking an entire color from a picture, it's just gone >after the initial adjustment to the meds I notice that my thoughts are strangely blank >there is no adjustment, the empty mind and soul persists >realize that beneath that self-destructive impulse, this thing that I and everyone else told me was supposed to be holding back some kind of "old me" or "real me", wasn't really obscuring anything; there was never anything there to begin with, I've never truthfully had ambition, beliefs, interests, my own thoughts or emotions, identity, or sympathy towards any force in the world, it's all acting. Despite me following the programming, "going out and trying things" to find something that sticks, it will always feel fake because it is. The excess of everything I do has a hollow stench. It's all empty mimicry to avoid pain and attempt to feel like a "person", to try and dilute that creeping feeling that everyone knows something I don't, that some kind of piece is missing. There is nothing missing, they just told you something is. I will not be deluded by bright modern lights, billboard platitudes, or drugs any longer. I now know there is nothing in me, and any attempt to the contrary is just mimicry, animatronic. The suicidal thoughts were reasonable the whole time, and despite the programming given to you, your self-preservation instinct is optional. I will now go back to my fantasy of making a realistic looking but fake bomb vest and planning a situation where I am a perceived threat to the public and a cop is forced to kill me. Life is a waiting room but I have no idea what I'm waiting for. Our gift of self-awareness is meaningless tyranny, slavery to "yourself", something we can't the prove existence of. We don't have to participate. Why do you keep doing the routines? Who are you trying to please? What are even afraid of? What do you think is waiting out there for you when you finally "decide" to go and be the "real you"? You are something yelling in an empty room, that's what your life really is.

I'm well acquainted with the emptiness you describe, my meds gave very similar feeling to me. My living conditions have vastly improved since then, and I am no longer suicidal, no thanks to the meds. Which is why i stopped taking them. From your point of view, it looks like the veil of "depression" was lifted from your personality only to reveal nothing beneath. However you must also consider the possibility that the person underneath was also erased by the same drug that removed the burden of depression from you. I don't know you, or your life. But I can say for my case, improving my situation (or really just waiting out a particular source of pain) did me a lot more good than any pills ever did.

>>29112 > live for years with a constant suicidal monologue > planning a situation where I am a perceived threat to the public and a cop is forced to kill me Interesting. Very interesting. Can you tell us more about how suicidal thoughts work? For example what could easily push you over the edge or worsen your mental state substantially? Is it possible for people to negatively influence your mental state over the internet? Could you be manipulated by someone over the internet in a way that would significantly impact your mental state and made you more likely to commit sudoku? Such information could be useful. Let's say (purely hypothetically) that I want to drive bunch of German children to suicide. How would I go about it?

If I was an architect of indirect murders of this description you paint, my golden operating rule would be "Silence, silences." Introspective thought thrives on silence. Suicidal monologues that ambush us come in silence, when our mouths aren't moving and our eyes stare at some amorphous worldly scene in front of us, when we're alone, this is where the shadow of the noose materializes. Keep them isolated. Play on the few thin pillars of ego they can perch themselves on that they have left, make them believe themselves to be a martyr or some kind of punished one, make them create a reason to want to be asocial. Imagine how many suicide attempts are prevented because of somebody near them. I can't think of something more specific, I'm a bit foggy, but your sharpest ally is silence and isolation and pensiveness when trying to really go for it. There is probably chapters you could write about engineering somebody out of normal acceptable status and suffocating their livelihoods to make them wither into tragic self-destruction but I'm not a real psychopath and I don't know how that stuff really works honestly.