Lets write some koans

I see a lot of people saying Lainchan is dead, but I don't believe that. As long as we still have our users, we're not dead. >What is a koan? A koan is a story, dialogue, question or statment used to provoke contemplation or doubt concerning some profound truth. They where originally used in zen practice to test a students progression towards enlightenment, but yours can be about anything. >Give me an example This is koan 14 from the buddhist koan collection "無門關" ('The Gateless Gate') >Nansen Oshõ saw monks of the Eastern and Western halls quarreling over a cat. >He held up the cat and said, "If you can give an answer, you will save the cat. If not, I will kill it." >No one could answer, and Nansen cut the cat in two. >That evening Jõshû returned, and Nansen told him of the incident. >Jõshû took off his sandal, placed it on his head, and walked out. >"If you had been there, you would have saved the cat," Nansen remarked.

Not mine, but the cicada 3301 has a few good ones. http://uncovering-cicada.wikia.com/wiki/Liber_Primus

Two men are sat on a train as it pulls towards a station. Suddenly a fight breaks out on the platform as two very drunk men go tumbling over each other and fall square on the tracks in front of the train. The train rolls steadily over them with a sickening crunch as it glides into the station. The men sit in shocked silence until eventually one turns to the other and says "Why didn't the driver pull the brakes?" His companion considers this for a long moment and then says "Why didn't you?" Not very good I know. Trying to write a koan is like trying to fall asleep. You just have to relax and let it come. This was far too forced. Maybe sometime in the future I'll rewrite it properly.

the sitting man said 'stand', regardless, it worked, and everyone obeyed, the end result was sky and water.

An old man happened upon an angry looking merchant while making his way back from the forest. The old man leaned down and asked the merchant what was wrong. The merchant let out a barrage of replies: >TFWNOGF&LITERALLY0/10BETAFEELSBADTBHFAMFUCKINGWOMENBLOODYHELLITISNTEASYBEINGGREEN.PNGTFWNOQT3.14MAKESMEFEELTBQBFHFAMALAM After calming down, he looked up to see that the old man was confused. He explained: "I er, don't have a girlfriend." "Oh I see", said the old man sympathetically. "I know how you feel. It's already noon and I haven't eaten since breakfast."

>>1868 > sandal on head > etching tool in pooper

this zen koan crap gives me the soykafs. if this crap makes you enlightened then you must have been pretty dull to begin with reminds me of when i 420 blazed it and read principia discordia thinking it would enlighten me in my 20s. >>1878 this is the only zen poast in this thread

>>1868 This story seems completely nonsensical. Perhaps some "enlightened" lainon can explain it to me?

>>2907 I feel the same way. These koans seem really interesting but I don't understand them.

>>2910 the point is that they don't make sense.

>>2911 The Wikipedia article on koans says that this is actually a Western misconception.

>>2915 Wikipedia itself is a western misconception.

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side. When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

>>2917 Maybe that's how these koans work. If you took out the last line, this story would seem nonsensical, but it would make sense for anyone who could guess that the stones were there. I don't know. That's my best guess.

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled. One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate." He did just as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him. His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a soykafhead." Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

>>2919 Of course this isn't mine, it's Camden Benares' or could be mine

I've recently been reading the book Wit's End, which is on the subject of Wit, how we cultivate it and why, etc. Towards the end of the book, there's a chapter on Wit and Wisdom with a special emphasis on the Talmud and the koan compilations The Blue Cliff Records and The Gateless Gate. The book makes the following point: >What the ancient Jewish and Chinese sages did in such situations was to keep talking, to keep arguing, and to keep amending and appending stories told by those who came before them. They developed a methodology of sorts - sequential series of commentaries and philosophical dialogues compiled across generations -- in which mind sharpens mind and wit sharpens wit The point of a koan, it seems, is not to enlighten per se, but to force the reader's mind to consider multiple ideas at once or to consider something beyond the obvious. Another quote: >The Talmud, the Blue Cliff Records, and The Gateless Gate esteem disputation over certitude, continuous inquiry over tidy doctrinal conclusions. Also: >The Blue Cliff Records and The Gateless Gate, compiled in China in the eleventh and thirteenth centuries, respectively present seemingly illogical riddles designed not so much to challenge a monk's intelligence as to test his or her tolerance for ambiguity. The insolubility oof a koan is an end in itself, reinforcing the Zen lesson that true understanding cannot be reached through ordinary reasoning. I don't know if this helps the discussion on why koans are interesting or how to make them, but I thought I'd throw that out there. It seems like it would be interesting to collect a bunch based on this site's focus on tech, this board's focus on discussion, etc. Maybe put them into a collection or something ("The Lain Koans"). It seems like the koans are supposed to respond to, expand on, or rebut each other as well. I actually have done little reading on koans, so perhaps I'm wrong on this part.

>>1868 Two men had collected many varieties of mangoes from different trees and started eating them. After a while, they had disagreement over the best tasting variety and asked the old man who was sitting nearby. The old man started eating the mango the first man thought to be the best and said after a while "The best mango is the one I am eating". The second man, discontented with the answer, hurriedly offered the old man the mango which he thought was best tasting. The old man ate the mango leisurely and said "The best mango is the one I am eating".