Learning to make friends

I always felt lonely in my life, but I always struggled with socializing with others, as a consequence I'm unable to make any friends. Can I have some recommendations for books on socialization, making friends, social engineering, manipulation, etc in order for me to be able to make friends and socialize? I also wanna learn how to socialize with women and would like guides on that as well.

I think what creates real bonds between people is honesty and care. You might be able make some acquaintances using strategies described in books but if there’s no real feeling on both sides then it’s unlikely these acquaintances will become friendships. Maybe you could explain how socializing is difficult for you. What specifically blocks you from forming connections to other people?

I think a lot of anons struggle with that, perhaps we can start a reading club? >please not discord

Just be there, it's awkward and boring and you just have to get used to it being awkward, remember that it's like that for most other people too. To ease the awkwardness you can do something that makes you feel like you have a reason to be there, participate in some formal way. Regardless be prepared for it to take some years before you've really become close friends with anyone.

I didn't research but probably books about this issue are likely a money bait. I would like to find hidden gems tho.

>>10896 The only way to get good at socializing is by doing it, noting your mistakes, and trying to improve. I suggest volunteering, going to community events, book/board game clubs, public sports (pickup basketball/soccer/etc.), dancing, etc. As >>10901 says, these give you a sense of shared purpose and a common trait that you can use as a conversation starter, i.e. "do you come here often (in a general way, not a flirty way)", "have you done this before", etc. > recommendations for books on socialization, making friends Books on socialization and the like are to be taken as guidelines, not step by step instruction manuals. As Bruce Lee said, "Absorb what is useful, discard what is useless and add what is specifically your own." That being said: > Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz The main idea is to imagine yourself succeeding at a small, incredibly basic task, then going out and performing (and presumably succeeding) at said task until it feels like second nature, then using the confidence in your ability from that to move onto a slightly larger one. There is an updated one from 2015(?) if you prefer. > The Book of the Courtier by Baldesar Castiglone How to behave like a gentleman, as written by 15th century courtiers. What qualities are desirable in a man (or in general), how should you act, etc. > The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene PUA courses are usually snake oil, make ridiculous generalizations about women, and are written by people with little to no credibility beyond "trust me bro". The Art of Seduction is based on various works on seduction written by people who made their living off of it in some of the most cutthroat periods and settings in history (Ninon de l'Enclos, Casanova, Don Juan, etc.). The main idea is that you need to put your own wants, needs, and desires aside for the moment and see the person in front of you as clearly as possible: what are they like, what do they like, and what can you offer them that no one else can? There are others, of course. The original works that The Art of Seduction are based on are worth reading. Other (video) recommendations > getting a personality is easy, actually https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9goOuIy8Ok4 How do you plan on talking to people if you have nothing to talk about yourself? > becoming social is easy, actually https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkPe4vT3NfI Once you have a personality, how do you go out and meet new people? > becoming charismatic is easy, actually https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WK6596qzPWo You've got a personality and consistently see people, now how do you make them like you? >>10898 > I think a lot of anons struggle with that, perhaps we can start a reading club? If you like. Post books in this thread and say what you like/dislike about them.

>>10896 only way to get rid of anxiety is through consistent social exposure. Friends are established over a long period of time. Identify your passions, values, and interests that internally fulfill you and join clubs/social events centered around them. Build a community in real life. You don't have to be good at any of these things, you just have to develop an interest in them. And then within that community you can develop deeper friendships or relationships. Take risks and seek more rejection. Ask them to hang out over something fun and contact them every couple days. Who fuarrrking cares we only live once! The best age to do this is in your younger years. Society is fuarrrked and it gets much harder to do this as you get older. Lots of young adults now are just wasting their life away on the internet not realizing that they are never going to get this opportunity again. Another thing I realized is that you don't need tons of friends... Just 3 or 4 really good ones plus a genuine fulfilling relationship will dramatically improve the quality of your life. School and College offer you a great opportunity to do this, but if you're working then check your local town for meet ups and clubs you're interested in. If your town doesn't have a social scene then it's time to get moving to places that do. Most social skills are only learned outside in social environments and vary depending from environment to environment. The only book I recommend anyone read regarding women is mark manson's attraction through honesty book because it's about internal game and almost nothing about attracting women. Anyone who actually has spent time around the idea knows that attracting women is paradoxical. Become someone you love in yourself and it'll get much easier dealing with people (and women).

>>10897 I can socialize with others, but I'm only to be able to make acquaintances and not actual friends who I'm close with. I also often feel left out in group conversations and sometimes feel ignored as well. >>10898 >I think a lot of anons struggle with that, perhaps we can start a reading club? Starting a reading club sounds like a good idea and I might consider it. >please not discord I hate discord as well, if we were to make a reading club we should use XMPP or IRC. >>10903 >How do you plan on talking to people if you have nothing to talk about yourself? I have a personality and am into open source stuff but it's difficult to explain that kind of stuff to people and the person I'm speaking to might think I'm some weird tinfoil hat guy if I talk about Instagram, Discord, Google, etc being spyware ( ˘︹˘ ). Thank you for the advice, videos, and the book recommendations anyway, I'll read the books you recommended later.

>>10905 The problem is that it's very hard to me to find people that share mutual interests with me, another major issue is that I also don't wanna contact or communicate with any of my peers through any proprietary social media platforms so it's hard for me to really build any kind of close community with my acquaintances. Luckily my town has a good social scene and I'm still a student, so there's plenty of opportunities for me to socialize. I'll try to take more risks and try to hang out with people from now on and will read attraction through honesty as well and hopefully with enough practice, I'll be able to make close friends (•◡•)

There's always that one Dale Carnegie book that people recommend. How to Win Friends and Influence People, was it? However, no amount of reading and resources will help with socialization if you don't bother to apply it in the real world. Join clubs and arrange meetups.

>>10896 I started a thread with a similar topic on /hum/ but seems it's gone. I feel many books are preying on people in an emotionally sensitive situation, many of them are scams. Often the authors don't know their audience, usually because they are people who find socializing easy and don't appreciate what problems some people have. I read one with '92 tips' in the title, forgot the name, but it was useless. Tips are more for chumming it up in a fake corpo environment than real human interaction. The best guide in my opinion is succeedsocially.com. It is honest, actionable, and the author seems to understand the audience. Shouldn't need to read much more; as others said, you cannot learn to socialize with a book. You learn by experience.

Is it weird to do OSINT on people before I interact with them?

>>10913 A decade ago I'd say this was weird, but today nah you should if you love yourself. Considering all that's going on in the world, doing osint would only enhance your safety, lest you come find out you're meeting a foreign adversary because you brush shoulders with an adjacent target who has access to something that you didn't know about, and get caught up in a crazy mess. Or just do for general safety reasons. So many crazy people in the world. Even females. Females are completely dangerous today. False accusations, blackmail, money extortion scams, etc.

>>10915 >lest you come find out you're meeting a foreign adversary I'm glad others agree. Normal people seem to think it is weird, even though they stalk people on Instagram all the time. One time I had a professional relationship with this woman that was a colleague of mine, foreign-born, only to do some basic OSINT and find out she was insane and had crowdfunded a civil lawsuit before embezzling the money and not following through with the litigation. I also discovered that several people in direct supervisory roles over me had contributed to those lawsuits, and that she had overstated her qualifications significantly. Another time I worked with this guy. I discovered social media posts he had made accusing a local bar of drugging people. These posts were made in connection to an incident that had happened on a certain date. Then I found an arrest record made by the police. His wife had not pressed charges, but he had brutally beaten and raped her. He had claimed the bar had drugged him, and that he was not responsible. This is what his wife claims after refusing to press charges. For the record, she had broken an orbital bone and had to go to the hospital. Some "outburst", right?

>>10910 >I feel many books are preying on people in an emotionally sensitive situation, many of them are scams. >Often the authors don't know their audience, usually because they are people who find socializing easy and don't appreciate what problems some people have. Yeah that's why I asked here, so I can get recommendations from real people who likely are or were in a similar situation as me. >>10913 >>10915 >>10916 I was gonna say that doing OSINT on people before interacting with them is weird, but now I change my mind after reading these stories.

Do not read How to Win Friends and Influence People because it's misleading and the book doesn't help you "win friends" at all! Instead it teaches you to be a good salesman.

>>10923 total nonesense, it's my #1 fav book on socializing. Of course I didnt make irl frens since I don't care but I had much better conversations with other anons.

I don't think I should try to make friends. I will probably just end up abandoning or neglecting them. In a way, I'm also afraid of making friends because it's unknown territory for me because I have been friendless for a long time, probably since start of middle school or something). I know it would be very hard to back out once someone wants to be your friends. There is no way of testing it, without harming someone's feelings. >>10898 lainchan irc has #books channel. maybe it can be repurposed?

>>10898 >>10925 You can easily make a new channel, you don't have to use an existing one. 1. /join #nofriends 2. /msg chanserv register #nofriends

It's interesting to see someone else say that they might be better off without friends because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Before I got brain damage, I had friends. Afterwards I lost all of them, but I kept trying to have friends and girlfriends. It always ended badly. Eventually I realized that I don't have the capability of socializing, and I have lived in isolation ever since. It prevents me from being hurt and from hurting others, and it prevents a lot of trouble. I still wish I could have friends, but I know I can't. It's not so bad as long as you keep yourself occupied and take care of yourself.

>>10923 Even the title makes me pretty suspicious of anyone with it on their bookshelf.

>>10925 > I don't think I should try to make friends. I will probably just end up abandoning or neglecting them. So, you're aware of the possibility of doing those things. Use that awareness to simply not do them, and correct yourself if you do. > In a way, I'm also afraid of making friends because it's unknown territory for me because I have been friendless for a long time, probably since start of middle school or something). I know it would be very hard to back out once someone wants to be your friends. Not really, no. If someone is a bad friend (taking advantage of you, forcing you to do things you don't feel comfortable doing and that are harmful to you, stealing from you, etc.) you're completely justified in cutting them off. If someone really wants to be your friend they will put in the effort to do so, and vice versa. Also, it depends on your definition (and theirs) of what a friend is. Someone to spend time with on a given activity? Someone to confide in and open up to? Someone who understands you? Start with something small, and build up from there. Easiest way to do so is to join a running club (even if you're a new runner) or volunteer for community service. Both are usually filled with kind and friendly people. If no one there seems like friend material, so be it. > There is no way of testing it, without harming someone's feelings. That's a risk you simply must take, if you want to make a friend. Long and short of it is, your mind will come up with countless excuses for why you shouldn't take the first few steps. Ignore it. Making friends may be hard, but I know you can do it. >>10929 Sorry to hear that happened to you. > It's not so bad as long as you keep yourself occupied and take care of yourself. What do you like to do in your free time?

if anyone is interested in chatting servers i recommend zulip (https://zulip.com), which is open source and free of charge (at least for the features i have used). In addition, the main features of zulip are listed below for interested anons: - native math formula rendering; - Hierarchies-like structure designed for topics and subtopics; - native markdown support; - native keyboard shortcut; - chatbot support.