/vent/ - 2nd edition

>>71576 was full. Feel free to vent here.

For context, i am an iraqi trans woman, and i speak english and arabic. A saudi woman DMed me on Instagram the other day, started flirting with me (in arabic) and was kind of mean, and asked me to show her myself (nudes) and said something about my rose(she didn't call it that) and i was confused because I'm trans (i have it on my bio next to my age), but when i asked if she even knew I'm trans she said ew, then insulted really harshly and blocked me. It really hurt me and I've been thinking about it since. And yesterday another saudi woman called sarah messaged me, was flirty and i wanted to talk and all, but i was really hurt and kind of crying from the thing the woman before, so i told her right away I'm trans in case she missed my bio, how long I've been on hrt for, and tried to explain I'm trans in arabic (she didn't know the word for being trans, and the only other word is a slur), she didn't understand it, and said "cut to the chase, are you a guy?", i said no, I'm a woman, i just wasn't born with the same body you were. i said while it's fine if you don't see me as a woman, please don't call me names and insult me for it, it's really hurtful. But then she said it's okay, and that i am a woman, and shouldn't worry or apologize so much (i kept apologizing in arabic when she wasn't understanding what i said earlier). Called me cute, started flirting with me, called me really beautiful things, she really swooned(?) me over, made me feel things i never felt with guys, and since it was in my native tongue it hit so hard, and made my heart beat so fast. It made me feel so much, and she saw my body and said so many things, and i saw hers. She kept flirting with me, asked me about myself, and we talked till late at night. but this morning my Instagram account got derezzed and my whole week has been ruined. No one made me feel how she made me feel. I don't know if it's just that it was in arabic and that i don't speak to anyone online in arabic let alone like that, or if it was just something with her. It really made me cry losing contact after all of that. I've been moody all day long. One thing this made me feel is how much i loath my birth. I always see trans women and anyone really for what they say they are in my heart and mind, i don't see them as something separate from that gender, or anything to that effect. But with me i can't help by cry to myself that i couldn't have been born into that gender instead of having to choose it myself. I take pride in my womanhood, but i can't lie to say i don't feel like there is something deep inside separating me from the womanhood cis women have. I don't mean in day to day life, and i don't mean the ways people treat them differently than me which makes it so they live differently than me and develop differently. It's something in my heart that makes me feel that no matter how hard i try i would always be a "second grade woman". When she accepted me as a woman, how she said it, how comforting and how sweet of her to say those words to me... Don't apologize, it's okay. I don't see you differently. You are a woman. And it felt real you know. She talked to me like no one has ever talked to me. Even in the way she talked to me intimately, it was so different from anything I've ever heard before it really made my heart beat harder than it ever has. I wish i could hear those words again and be seen again for what i wish i saw in my mirror. I've hard partners that for months and at times years never managed to get me to feel this. They said they saw me as a woman but there always something to it that made it different than sarah's view of me, or at least how she treated me. I wish i was born a woman, into that gender, not having to struggle for years so i could realize what i am at heart, and still hide it as i get to only humor my identity in private. I hide my breasts, wear figure hiding clothes, i cut my hair short, i train my voice even though it has went through full male puberty to be more masculine as my voice by itself is not masculine, and i wish i didn't have to do any of it. Even when my father noticed I've grown breasts and took me to get my hormones tested, threatened to kill me if i was on hrt, and i somehow managed to convince the doctor i was intersex in some miracle of this world, he still saw me as a man, held me to the standard of a man, and did not take blame for himself taking part in my fate and development. It isn't as though my genes aren't partly his, and it isn't as though i am not his daughter. Yet he insists it is my fault; everyone in my life does. Yet sarah didn't. My partners whom i would've given up my life for didn't see me as a woman, yet sarah did. I wish i was born like sarah was, that i lived close to her, and that we would've been friends, and not something more as i don't dare to wish for something i would've felt all the guilt in the world for. But even then... I wish i could feel her grip on my throat, her words flowing into my ear, and her touch sliding across my body, doing all what she said she wished she could do. She said she wanted to take me, eat me, and play with me until we had our fill. She said " " which is... It makes it sound like I'm a snack or a dessert. It still makes my heart flutter. I wish i saw myself how you see me, sarah.

>>99171 I thought it would display arabic letters, but i guess not. I'm sorry for my poor writing. I already write awfully to begin with and I'm not in the best state of mind to write any better than i usually do. My head is more of a mess than my heart

>>99173 you don't have to apologize for that. im sorry for what happened lain, it sounds like an awful connection to lose.

>>99171 >women are the ones flirting and harassing men in iraq lmfao, I didn't knew this

I think I wrote somewhere else here that increasing my testosterone level was making me emotionally flat. I think I'm taking that back now. When it gets yet higher there's a lot of positive and joyful male feelings. I guess my mental model is now something like: Low testosterone: Hysterical, very sentimental and emotional Medium testosterone: Solid, flat. Higher testosterone: More "radiant", passionate. +- aromatase enzyme and other hormones and stuff like that. inb4 'ur actually low t bud'

>>99181 It may be hard for me to accept myself as a woman, but what i can say to your face is that I'm not a man. It's very disrespectful of you to speak to me in that way when you haven't got the slightest clue of what things truely are on the other side. It's a very foul thing of you to say, and it was clearly said to spite someone for kicks. I could not imagine the kind of heart you have if i tried.

>>99184 how do we get iraqi trannies over here now internet aint what it used to be ehh

>>99183 are you sure that your high T isn't aromatasing further into estrogen? maybe that's what you're feeling - rising E

>>99188 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

i've done terrible things which i can't even confess to and the only reason i haven't killed myself is a vain hope that one day i'll forget everything and that there's no God who will send me to hell when i die

>>99191 Like like stalk random people online an get them to sudoku or have a mental break

>>99199 >>99191 do it again homie, do it, do it again.

>>99171 girl stay strong there are many more people who will accept you for who you are, and I think that in time you will find many like sarah, most people when trans is explained in terms by trans people themselves do not think of it as perversion but instead as how one is born

>>99199 that's not one of those things though i do know a guy who did that

I'm not living. I don’t socialize or converse, mostly I lock myself in a small room and do nothing, I lie in bed sighing and vie for an end to the suffering that is life without living. Nowadays I cannot really comprehend what it is like to be a normal person, I know that I was one when I was little and it was automatic, requiring no thought or effort. How can I believe in anything it just makes me want to sleep whenever I try to figure things out, remember when I could live without thinking about how to live. So uneducated and unstructured I, I, I don’t know how to express myself or is there even anything to express, do (I) exist? Or has this mind been reduced to mere imitation? That’s what it feels like, (I) often act like I know I should but when I'm physically isolated there’s nothing left just nothing here I'm writing words but why am I writing them? I don't even communicate to people in the wired, it’s a one-way relationship, I let it shape me and don’t offer any resistance. I've never worked, but I have imitated it occasionally, showing up and doing the physical motions of work without developing any real skill, quitting when faced challenge. Though I am not physical in general in fact my body is so weak it somewhat surprises me I can stand upright, I only ever went to the gym for two months and quit when a very minor injury in conjunction with a bothersome cold gave me the excuse to. Never have I created anything, no art, nothing with practical application or any other thing. I leech thoughts and nourishment and love and give nothing back because i have nothing to give, utterly devoid of it. When I wake up I am so tired I could go to sleep again and I lay in bed all day but I stay awake until late at night until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I've always tried to change, to return to humanity but it never goes anywhere. How many times have I not gone to school, acquired literature, film, or other wisdom merely to put it aside immediately, am I just pretending at intent? Children can compose language more elegant than this. The disorder is too much even for its author. Belief escapes me now, everything and every thing feels like the same thing. My doctor hasn’t contacted me in months, I thought that maybe telling them I am depressed would help. My blood was good, or normal at least, so it is probably the mind. But what can you really do about it then? Medicate the mind? I’m sceptical that beliefs or lack of beliefs can be healed as much as they can be changed but why should I change? It would feel good. It would feel good. That's always what humans seem to return to. No point in writing a dozen paragraphs about it, that has been done already. I’m so tired. I feel dead, I think maybe we are dead. I think too many things and I know nothing, not really. This has also been written about before. Why do anything, it all been done and nothing comes of it, just the same endless hedonism. There is such a strong desire in me to know and to learn and to make, while I never do anything. Then the only reason is no reason, to act by default, to live when it is easy and die when it is easy and I'm starting to find that this slow death is easier than life, even in its misery. I want to sleep. What are my prospects even? Doomed. I just cannot make myself believe in anything. The sheer idiocy of claiming I cannot believe while making so many value judgements. Always contradicting myself. Psychiatry is an anthropocentric idealization of reality. I'm so bored. Scepticism is psychologically possible if you let it kill you. Melodramatic embarrassing paragraphs.

>>99207 >>99207 yeah homie, that hikikomori beatdown got a lot of people by the balls. i wonder if anybody is even alive anymore?

>>99199 tell us more about your experiences.

>>99191 have you considered repenting ? >>99207 why do you even bother with all that ? sounds lame! Also man I couldn't even get through that anime cause the guy bothered me so much, how breathtakingly stupid he was.

>>99202 It's my first time feeling like this. I've had partners before but they never treated me like this. I wish i could go back to read the messages but i can't do that now. For once i felt like a woman in a relationship, not just treated like a "trans" not just treated as a third category of gender, or some unicorn. It genuinely made me cry just how "normal" she treated me. I personally don't have a rose, and I've thought about doing srs even though everything and everyone has been none stop scaring me of it. It's futile and pointless to wish for it, but i do wish i was born differently, because maybe then my first partner would have been a girl my age and not a groomer on the other side of the world. Even now just having met sarah, i feel guilty, with this thought in my head that she doesn't *really* know what i am, that i somehow misrepresented it, maybe i made myself sound intersex, maybe this or that, and i just think to myself, wow, while she has not questioned me the moment i told her what i am, I've been questioning both of us in my heart and doubting things are what they seem to be. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I've been robbed of my every first show of affection in each form. My first kiss, my first relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, my first time being intimate was forced on me against my will. My view of love and acceptance is so warped it makes me cry that others could feel so earnestly and truthfully while I'm just left here feeling like a freak. I've tried talking about this to multiple groups and all I've ever gotten was being called transphobic because oh if i view myself like this i must view others the same, getting called "the raped", or a freak tranny or whatever else when i was just asked to talk and didn't just dump it onto someone. I know i should do something about my life but i don't know what. I keep crying and it makes me feel like a failure for sobbing my life away, but what is there for me to do at the moment? At least crying makes it feel numb enough to go on with my day. I couldn't afford much introspection with uni and housework the past couple of months.

from now on, my new rule of thumb is that anyone who is a political nihilist, i.e. anyone whose contribution to political discourse is statements like "that's just how it is", "it's all just corrupt", "there's nothing to be done about it", "nothing will ever change", "the cruelty is the point", etc. might as well just be a conservative as far as i'm concerned. in other words, most redditors and most white american internet users in general are conservatives. they might insist that they are moderates or liberals or libertarians or communists or whatever, but they're really just conservatives. cynical disengagement is just de-facto acceptance of the status quo, i.e. de-facto conservatism.

>>99218 you have levelled a nhilistic approach to dealing with your poorly-defined idea of nhilism. i guess that's just how it is.

i increasingly feel like the average american is basically evil. i don't know why people tell me the soykaf they do, if im just a magnet for confessions, but every day at work it just makes me want to start a new life somehow like why are you telling me you abuse your fiance, why are you soykaf talking the kid who almost got his finger cut off, why are you bragging about cheating on your wife, why are you talking about wanting to genocide people at the border, why are you soykaf talking the guy coughing up blood next to us, why are you telling me human trafficking victims deserve it. it just never ends. it feels like it's making me racist because the people i work with from other countries generally aren't like this but if it's a white american it's like they're going out of their way to have no redeeming qualities at all.

>>99219 i don't care about the semantics, i'm just sick of weak spiritless disconnected people who think that their sense of being outside of everything is some kind of enlightened guru superpower rather than just an obnoxious material consequence of their own privilege. >>99247 >i increasingly feel like the average american is basically evil. i've felt the same way for a while. i suspect that donald trump has something to do with that. like regardless of how people personally feel about him, just the fact that someone like him is the president of the united states, the most powerful and influential person in the us and the entire world, has got to have all kinds of subtle effects on the way people think, especially americans. everything he says and does sort of become the new normal by default simply by virtue of his influence and lack of accountability. the techbro oligarchs probably have a lot to do with it too, they're like the richest people on earth and they are all complete psychopaths and none of their platforms and tools are just passive machines that only do what the user tells them to do and nothing else, they're all algorithmically curated and structured and continuously tweaked to enforce a particular way of thinking, the techbros see themselves as gods and are trying to use their products to remake mankind in their image. i think that america and the world in general are ruled by evil people and they want everyone else in the world to be as evil as they are and they are trying very hard to make that happen, but i don't think that people are inherently evil, in fact i think people are inherently very stupid and naive when it comes to evil and are generally unable and unwilling to recognize evil when they see it, which is why evil tends to rule and proliferate so effectively.

>>99247 None of that happened, Rajesh White people are the only reason there is a functioning America

>>99253 Case in point. Like what do you even do with this day to day other than try to ignore it?

>>99253 >White people are the only reason there is a functioning America america literally has a national holiday to commemorate the day a tribe of red niggers had to give its colonist founders free food to save them from starvation

>>99247 America is the whore of babylon, the core of the epstein organization, and the commoners imitate the aristocrats.

>>99210 yes, the vast majority of people believe it or not

>>99280 sub-genre pro-green naivety leftist social justice culture war Try-hard emulsion social justice smears post-first-world aborted right-winged appropriation fascism Fascism floralism late capitalism

Life is complicated. After five years together, there comes a time when you realize there are things about your partner that no longer suit you, when you tell yourself you should think about what you want for your own life, what you’re looking for in a romantic relationship, your life goals, and ultimately weigh the pros and cons of staying together. For me, this signals a slow drift apart, one that will inevitably lead to a permanent breakup. It’s heavy, very heavy, the silences become deafening.

>>99252 >increasingly feel like the average american is basically evil. The majority of people who have the most control of America are old fuarrrks who have vested interest in the jewish fairy tale and they need to believe they are going to heaven or will be saved or whatever spiritual cult these billionaires believe in. They use that motivation to subvert and control the population and distract everyone from real problems. A highly narcissistic individualized country without real community or culture...

I'm not a regular here, just coming by as this is the only anonymous image board left that I know of. I've been meeting a lot of people lately, literally outside,vans I've come to realise just what sheltered really means. Hearing people's stories over the course of regular interactions.. one guy says that at the age of 12 Thier parent tried to involve him in the murder of someone and that he later almost lost 2 fingers while almost accidentally killing his brother.. then another guy recently told me about how, as kids, he and his sister would steal from their mother's clients while she was on the job (prostitution). Another guy is tramping about, running from the death of his father and other physical and mental issues (he's actually the most humble I've met - living close to the earth does that to some of us). Then there's me, reasonably intelligent but having done nothing with it. I've hidden myself away inside, online, not training or developing hobbies - just wasting time for at least a decade. The first guy has picked himself up through art and produces some incredible work and talks about famous artists - I've not managed to remember a single name for later study. The second guy was a weapons grade technician and shares a broad range of knowledge. The third guy, well I don't really know his deal as he's moved town now but he appears to know himself like no other (to an almost suicidal capacity it seems). Yet here I am, capable of doing something - anything - but opting for laying about continuing to waste time. Like, I can't confidently put together a tvdvd player for basic in-home entertainment without panicking about missed deliveries or carrying a bullshit TV home on the bus. I can't buy a fuarrrking bed so I'm not sleeping on the floor anymore. All the furniture I have is wicker baskets, floor cussions and a couple of wooden chairs. My furniture isn't a problem to me but if does reflect a state of mental poverty that I feel deserving of somehow. All I have to do left now is go out for yet another moped around outside, kill a few hours before listening to CDs in bed again. Again. Again. I want to go dance outside on my skateboard but I feel too embarrassed, maybe shamed? I don't know.. thanks for reading my soykaf.

So I've stopped alcohol and cannabis. They aren't fun anymore and only make me feel worse about everything. One of the many upsides of sobriety, is the return of my dreams. While most of my dreams are cool and fun adventures, the dream this morning wasn't: in the dream I had this morning, I was on top of a building and saw how the market square of my birthtown was under attack by machines which could've crawled right of War of the Worlds. No weapons were of use against their armor, and the machines wreaked havoc. At the same time when the machines were wreaking havoc, a fighter jet flew over, which was chased and destroyed by a machine which looked like one of those flying machines from Terminator 2. I cried 'SKYNET!!' and took shelter in the building. Outside, the war raged on. After I woke up from this dream, I felt fear, which rarely happens to me. This fear turned into an anger, for the reason that both the War of the Worlds machines and the advent of AI and it being used for nefarious purposes is something on the horizon. Evil will not shy away from trying to use these tools to enslave and eradicate us. They aren't nearly there yet, but I am not blind to what is happening as they are rolling out the infrastructure to facilitate this: >data centers build in staggering numbers, all to host the AI beast system to enslave us >precious waters being drained out of the ground for these data centers, with newspapers that are pre-programming people that there will be water shortages in this future. >lampposts with tracking devices in them, tracking every move of any that passes under them >(smart)phones tracking everyone and both extracting and implementing thoughts >alghoritms boxing people in prisons in their mind >the massive nanobot injection in the population that was part of the covid vaxxes >'smartdust' being deployed by airplanes, for those that didn't get vaxxed >biogenetically engineerd tics carrying diseases being dropped into our forests >cameras everywhere, monitoring everything >satellites everywhere, monitoroing everything >space lasers with the ability to fry anyone on Earth >and so on, and so forth For everyone with eyes to see, it is evident that the net around us is being closed. While thirty years ago, there was still a vague notion of freedom, the last fifteen years has been a neverending hellride into (bio)technological slavery. Now what doesn't anger me is that these evildoers do all these things - they are evil after all - but that there appears to be little to no fightback against this and that we are all being cradled to an absolute trashtier system of oppression. Why? Why is there so little fightback? Why aren't the lampposts taken down? Why aren't the AI data centers not burned down? Why aren't the camera's destroyed? Why do people still use their smartphones when those things are used against them? Why are we allowing newspapers to print their filthy lies? If this system isn't destroyed, it will destroy us all, yet most people shirk away from doing the needful, which is to completely destroy this system they have in store for us. I know these people. They act cool and high and mighty, but they are imps, terrified of death. Why are people afraid of these imps? In all my dealings with them, these imps shy away when confronted with real power. Is nothing happening because people are too comfortable? Are they too afraid to leave their bubbles of comfort? Would they rather wait and sit it out, thinking somehow these evil fuarrrks will pass them by? They won't. These creatures have no respect for any private boundaries and will take everything you have and murder you if you do not destroy them, completely. Why do most 'good' people trust that the government will safe them? Or that the justice system is capable of quelling the intentions of this evil? These imps have no respect for the authority of the law; they will crack down on you when you break even the tiniest of law, while they break every law in order to quell their insatiable need for power. Why do people listen to these imps? Why aren't these imps already dead?

>>99327 I don't think it would help you to know this, but I'm in a similar boat. I've been trying to do something with my life as i finish my uni degree, and it was harder when i first started. I think it's the investment of effort you have to pay forward for being idle for long. After that it gets easier to move from one thing to another. It gets better with effort is what I'm trying to say, and while it's obvious, i thought it would mean something worded well and coming from someone that's where you are

fuarrrk you you fat bitch and you you fuarrrking psychopath. As if my life was not ruined enough you sick fuarrrks had to ruin it more and you are call yourself family? fuarrrk you i hope you drop dead from your diabetes so I dont lose my home to you.

i just need to write my biophysics thesis which will conclude by sending jazzzberrry clips to ISS astronauts so they can watch femboy porn in space and record their physiological reaction to it in great detail to see if microgravity has an impact on deeper reproductive functions in space but the fuarrrking review boards are rigged against this as if there aren't huge gaping holes in the science we have on cardiovascular activity modification in space affecting long term reproductive capabilities (they're retarded) so i've been spending time instead trying to prove juridically that taking people to point nemo in a boat does not count as kidnapping as the captain has sole authority on the navigational aspect and operations of the boat (former ensign) been considering applying to practice to see what a EU court would say (i'm from EU). met a nice man in the virgin islands who agrees with everything i'm saying but now i need to weigh in whether criminal responsibility defers to juridically different territories or if the countries apply it universally wholesale jeffrey (virgin islands guy) says he has a boat but i don't have any money to make the voyage across atlantic and i don't think i can register an inflatable boat as a maritime vessel (vessel specifications don't apply) so i made a monero wallet for donations 47AJbrhjcPgPr83tbP6zyd56Vis6KiaBjAWjviuLbtZegSCRoKhwrPaPZUJtrewoq24pHZzwk6KADPFyxcAxzCdpGiK6NZi i plan to advertise online somehow or write somewhere popular (not the best idea) i though about tagging it over billboards but the string is too long and nobody will copy it so i'm experimenting with qr codes instead now i need to either buy the plane ticket anonymously or hop onto a boat for free somehow (like merchant vessel) i can't just buy the ticket directly since glowniggers are watching so i figured i could use the xmr donations to buy fiat, which i'd use to buy preloaded credit cards to buy the flight but then i still need to put my civil info in to register it (no good) so i've been considering breaking into a logistical transport hub in rotterdam to get onboard a maersk vessel headed for the US or even brazil but idk how to figure out destination of the boat with just their registration number (maybe there's a service online) then i'd have to hide from the crew for the duration of the shipping course and then figure out a way to get to the virgin islands somehow (while security is watching) this has been frustrating me so much i raged out and decided to start writing a retarded book to troll the australians called Contunga breakdown (the protagonist is a 31 yo depressed loser called kip who fails to become a mechanic and instead tries to win Contunga's got talent but gets beaten in a song contest by a goat) i can't actually write the book since i'm not australian so i don't know how they speak (bad talent) result is i've been trying to "australianize" myself by taking in a forced australian accent to myself all day and on the phone so it changes the way i think and i can write the book better the problem is my mental issues and history make me retarded and asocial so i always try to forcefully act like a normal person when i'm interacting with someone (like in public) and now i can't get rid of the retarded fake aussie accent when i speak to people tried recording myself in vocaroo and speaking on online lobbies in valorant and people have laughed at me (unkind) now idk what to do and this is all swimming in my head idk what to do first, maybe i should contact nasa again in august, does anyone know if spacex can be of literally any help at all? elon is a trillionaire now he can probably buy the ISS or something

Hating dry skin really is like kicking dead whales down the beach especially when you got fuarrrked over with bad genetics from being half italian and half jewish fml really I hate it

I've been feeling anxious for the past few days, so might as well talk about this here, here we go: I was talking to this girl, she was extremely clingy and touchy, so i though that was a sign, tried to kiss her and even grabbed her tits before going for a kiss(absolutely retarded looking back, but my libido overestimated the signs she gave me). Now she wants distance from me, and felt uncomfortable. What really frustrates me is not losing her friendship or whatever, but my lack of control, tact and levelheadedness with social interactions, be it romantic/sexual or just common banter in general. I had a lackluster upbringing and now I'm completely fuarrrked in the head. I hate being like this. I've already worked on fixing so many others issues i had, but now at the ripe old age of 24 I feel so jaded, I'm tired of living just to fix my head and to keep having these pathetic things happening.

>>99385 sincere question: what exactly was going on in your head when you leaned in for the kiss and grabbed her tits? what were you feeling inside when you felt compelled to do that, was it just a feeling of pure mindless lust, or was it a feeling of anxiety? did you actually want to kiss her and grab her tits, or did you have a moment of panic where you felt like that's the thing you are supposed to do and if you don't do it right now then you'll be a failure? i ask this because, something a lot of guys don't seem to realize is that it's not always so much what you did that matters, but the way you did it. like a woman might be talking to a guy and the conversation starts becoming intimate and touchy-feely and she's really into it, but then guy suddenly reacts in a way that is jarring and unnatural and this organic graceful sort of dance between two people suddenly gets weird and discordant, like a sour note on a piano. and the woman is put off by it, sometimes without even knowing how to really explain why, it just got weird. what it is is, people have vibes and they read each other's vibes and that's how people become close, but if one person is really inside their own head with a lot of anxiety and constantly talking to themselves, they can't really be present and fully immersed in reality, they can't be aware of the vibes and be one with the moment, and so they choke and they screw up. it's like trying to swing a bat to hit a baseball, if you are inside your own head thinking about when is the right time to swing the bat and you're not immersed in the present moment when the ball comes towards you, you are going to whiff every single time.

>>99388 Both anxiety and lust. I'd been with her in bed all day pretty much, and had already cuddled and touched her, and she has caressing my hand, but I was too inside my head, should've realized that was just her personality and that she acted like that with her friend that was here too. Timing was also soykaf, kinda jumped into the kiss hours after the whole caressing thing when we were in bad for a bit before she and the friend were getting ready to go. It was my anxiety making me think that if i didn't do it that time, there would be no more chances. I'm fuarrrking weird, lainon.

wanted to reply to this poster cause I felt it was important not sure if they will see here it is: >>95271 I had a period of this but im quite a bit older than you and didnt really get on the puter till I was 14ish, and the only reason was I had lost a family member who made my childhood prior to that point wonderful. I remember thinking while in the cycle you talked about how surely I was doomed to be a neet or go insane. I didnt somehow, got to college on a great deal (mostly paid for my grades were meh but my sat was good and I wrote a really good essay and was in a major said college didnt specialize in and was trying to develop) and the almost traumatic whiplash of room all day only seeing my mom to not having her and being forced into the light after a few weeks of just crying every night split something open in me and I just threw myself into people for better or worse. Often times early a lot of it was bad or embarassing, most of my early friendships totally failed as I didnt even know how to make friends anymore or what a good friend was or how to be one or anything. I would advise that or whatever equivalent is available to you but id be neglecting that even though losing my childhood of community and friendship created a serious depression in me that never goes away, I still had it. I often thinking back always thought wow I just got lucky I met the people I met at the right times and that they said and did the right things. But ive realized that being my early childhood just created an expectation in me of how my life was supposed to be, of what real connection was, and for better or worse I seek it out at any cost and did then too. Ive got an insanely addictive personality, not to anything specific I rotate substances and quit things when they get too scary and try them again later. I use them alone to not feel alone and with others to try and recapture that childhood magic which can never be recaptured. The drugs boost various feelings and emotions to some crude approximation of the ones I was capable of having as a child, stims to endlessly talk with a friend until 3 am out of pure excitement like I used to naturally do as a kid. Opiates to feel like its a rainy day and im sitting by a fire just reading or maybe even doing nothing. Psychs to feel like im on an adventure in the creek with my cousin. Dont know if thats any comfort but at least on just one front know that people with that childhood you wish you had they still with futility try to recapture moments of it to no avail, you cant you arent an unweathered kid anymore. But as im getting at they do try, at least in trying you dont have to imagine what if. You never had it, I can bitch and moan all day about losing my community when I was little and how much that hurt me, and id imagine not having it at all in terms of just emotional intensity might hurt less to you than if you had it and lost it. Not trying to compare but for example I never had a dad he died when I was too young to remember, I dont and never have missed him or having a dad or felt strongly about it. Like I hear what your saying and think thank god I didnt have one. Meanwhile friends I had that had parents divorce seemed much more broken up than i ever was. But when I see a man who just seems so unwarretedly self confident, who unlike me didnt have to figure out (actively) what kind of man to be and had the blueprint laid out for them and only had to hone it, I feel hate, jealousy, a need to tear down. These days its all faded into just avoidance, I can almost tell whether a man had a dad or not and I plain avoid those that do and talk to them extremely superficially. I can never have kids because I could never raise a boy appropriately, because hed have a father (me) and so any attempt to emulate me or live up to me or prove anything to me id just feel disgust at and at best total unfamiliarity and id ruin said child. I dont want to say never having a dad created something missing in me that not even I know, but it does make me not whole in the eyes of polite society and alienate me. Not all my friends are drug addicts most arent, but all are dadless. Im amazed I built community and friends, I constantly am in fear of losing them because of my recklessness or giving too much attention to the wrong person or forgetting a birthday or whatever else. I bring all this up because its the only insight I can give into your situation. Much of us elder retards even if we think we experienced what you guys are, neglect that there was a time we didnt. I will say if it gives any hopes I had some friends from highschool (whom i only talked to online despite us all going to the same school) who were a few years younger and describe their upbringing and feeling towards their parents and others exactly like you did. There was 4 or 5 of them, 18 then now 26-27. They all are alive, 2 have learned despite only ever experiencing it online the joy or drive to connect with people in real life. If constantly plead and argue with them to, that yes human relations are difficult and taxxing and that they might think they get all the interaction they need online but that there is more to life. They would look at the drama and mess in my life and say even if I knew how why would I ever want to live like you . One of the two who did give it a try was one who said that the most, who I least expected to ever break out of their isolation, the one who was raised sometimes left alone for hours by themselves with not abusive but totally incompetent parents who both worked and hardly loved eachother. Who started getting online at like 9, who was the most adamant and hard headed about how he would never understand others or connect with them. We had a falling out cause of this difference in our view on others and the world. We started talking again and he is the one of the five who has most blown open and is busy all the time now with friends and trips, he still is extremely avoidant of sex, romantic intimacy, and drugs of course (that one.as he should be) and still expresses bafflement about my life choices. I never thought my words motivated him at all because he only ever argued with them but he said he did listen and in the years we didnt talk began trying to break out.and connect and eventually successfully. Ive spent enough time online to know I cant do that for you, im an anonymous stranger not someone you would even feel any type of way about and I dont know you. But this is true story so know its possible, but its a miraculous feat. Despite not experiencing these things or having any innate drive or idea of how to do them youd have to blindly trust someone telling you you must at risk of shame and failure. I can hardly do that, if I could I wouldnt still use drugs because id just trust the horror stories instead of needing to see them for myself. If we met in real life maybe id find you abrasive or maybe id disagree with your views on something and dismiss you entirely off of them or maybe id even despise you a bit. Just like with that one friend I mentioned, i felt all these things towards him too. But I empathize with your struggle, and I also know its a struggle of a lot of peoppe your age and a bit older and definitely younger. Im sorry most did not take the direction society was heading in seriously enough to see how it was about to hurt you and others. Truthfully no one but a few niche thinkers and those at the top selling it really understood or could predict how as you say "stunned" the internet and tech and its consequences would make you all. A tale as old as time under capitalism, tobacco, lead, fibreglass, microplastics, social media. I guess just know your struggle isnt futile or stupid its not pathetic stop comparing yourself to those or me or anyone who didnt grow up as you did and look to those who did. Like with all these other toxins I mentioned the job fell unfortunately to those affected by it to figure out a way out or just how to survive. I know its grim and is like kicking dead whales down the beach but you and people like you are some of the most important people right now even though in all material ways you are neglected, everyone is looking to those in your situation for someone to emerge triumphantly with a way out of this mess or even just insight on how to cope, the generation under you especially will. You are important not cause everyone is special and important but because your situation is increasingly widespread and only you and those like you can even begin to answer what is to be done. Its possible no one likes your answer its likely I wouldnt, we are forced to contend with it regardless. Your gen has produced incellery as an answer, looksmaxxing as an answer, i hate both of them yet im forced to grapple with them and try to see why. I hope you come up with something better, but you dont have to, what im just trying to say here is though it might be hard to see with all the irony and self deprecation and memes populating the world, your life alone and many others will be what people look to and sift through regarding how humans dealt with the crisis of internet and social media and tech and slop world ai. Dont compare yourself to anyone dont idolize anyone you are in uncharted territory your life wont look like anyones except your peers. napoleon or nelson mandela or plato or marx or ernest hemingway or your uncle whoever you look to and idolize and stack your life up against if born now would be handed an ipad at 5 in a service and gig economy and use AI to pass classes and whatever the fuarrrk just like you did they wouldnt be soykaf. Look at anyone you are comparing yourself too and seemingly falling short and ask if they could even comprehend the situation you are in, I barely can. Uncharted ground, same as its always been, only its inwards instead of open seas and unexplored lands, so it feels less meaningful and important. Yet it is very important dont forget that.

>>99171 You were probably talking to sukhdeep who was catfishing for his next victim geg

>>99390 >I'm fuarrrking weird, lainon. what you're talking about is extremely common, especially these days when people are way too informed by outside influence and way too removed from present reality. people aren't attuned to their own feelings and don't trust their own feelings, they're constantly thinking about what is expected of them by others and how they will be seen by others, their sense of self is drowned out by social pressure and media bombardment and they don't know who they are or what they are doing or what they want out of life. it's not that you are too weird - you are too normal. you want so badly to be normal and to fit in that you can't just relax and be loose and have a good time with a girl and see where it leads without your mind racing and trying to control everything and consider all the angles and think about what is the right move. not everything in life is a chess game.

>>99346 >It gets better with effort Aye, I definitely feel that. The past 6 months or so have been huge for my development, starting with extreme difficulty and confusion where it'd take a couple of weeks adjusting to change, where now it can take only a few days or sooner if I apply the coping mindset I'm developing. My mindset has taken perhaps a more grounded perspective, if you care to read my latest blogpost, check it out; --- Am I wrong in coming to the belief that most humans, no matter how skilled in their particular hobbies or occupations, are ultimately not really that intelligent or dangerous, above the average baseline for human beings? What I mean is that .. this is probably going to sound offensive, but even here at lainchan. There's clearly people here who know some soykaf, probably a couple of real cyberpunks among the script kiddies and mere tourists like myself. But I'm starting to see key question, I suppose - how often do you admit being wrong and are you comfortable doing it? one of the dudes I mentioned in a recent post (prostitution) - I couldn't imagine him ever admitting he's wrong, he's simply too invested in maintaining a certain persona for himself. while here and other chans (it's worst in named-account forums, holy soykaf), I can see the cracks in the facade, that we're all just people trying to impress over people. maybe I haven't read enough yet to see we're all sincere. maybe it's a jaded perception of my own having limped through the past 15 years socialising only anonymously online Or maybe we are all just cunts fronting for internet and real life points. What's your take on this? like, I don't doubt my device could be hacked by many of you, but dipped it mean you're better or just .. different? Is there something wrong with my perception?

>>99207 It feels good knowing there are other people that struggle like me, yet at the same time it's uncomforting. I am afraid that I know what path I'm going, and it's not a good one. Sometimes I think that we are cursed, either we were too powerful in a past life and now we repent or we were just wired like this from the start. I am not religious I just don't know what to think anymore. I hate being a burden, yet I can't seem to dig my way out of this hole of mine.

>>99218 Do you go out door to door and communicate issues to everyday people? Are you a part of a political campaign? Do you organize community meetings and speak to representatives? What specific policy objectives have you worked towards and what has your contribution meaningfully accomplished? If your involvement in the political process is that you vote, that you sign up for a petition or say something on twitter, or that you show up to a meaningless protest holding up a sign, then what you are doing is shouting into the wind. It's no different from team sports. In fact it's probably less worthwhile.

i feel that columbine supporters won the culture war. I think it's because most people have suppressed trauma from their school years and subconsciously seek some kind of karmic justice. Broadly speaking I don't think the victims are actually mourned outside of their immediate families and friends. I think that for most mass killings the targets aren't truly random as much as indiscriminate violence is the only way an individual can "fight" the collective consciousness. The response to "There is no society, only individuals" arrived in the complete negation of the individual via ar15. The actual most concrete definition of terrorism is war within the societal superstructure. I think this is what media like cruelty squad or hotline miami are capturing from the current zeitgeist and trying to convey. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but this feels like the only place anyone might relate

I am struggling with feelings of discontentment due to being permanently single. I have accepted and welcomed the idea of not finding a partner, but it's difficult to stay content with my current situation. I dont really think about sex but the main problem is that I have nobody that I can really speak my mind with freely, if anything the closest I've got are irc channels and imageboards. I really wish that I could just stop thinking about this but I cant find any conclusion and this causes a depressive looop of thought

>>99882 >I have accepted and welcomed the idea of not finding a partner it kinda sounds like you haven't. Maybe you shouldn't, if it's causing you harm. Just my two pfennigs.

>>99882 my strategy is journaling. i then go and look back at what "speaking my mind freely" looks like and thank god no one's around to hear or read it. boom, no more loneliness. just relief and disappointment in myself.

>>99883 I hadn't thought about romance in a while, it's something that resurfaces once in a while and the thoughts tend to stick unfortunately, even if I try to not think about it. I have thought long and hard about this more than once, and there's no way that I can find true love. >>99884 I thought about this, but the notion that someone could find my ramblings (or the chance that I might reveal it by mistake) scares me

>>99885 you can skip the "look back and cringe" step to avoid that scenario. you can burn the pages, shred them, scribble over them, go crazy. alternatively, get creative about how you journal. renting server space for $3/month and telling no one about its massive stash of deranged text files is one. it's a stash most wouldnt accidentally stumble on to. most wouldn't even consider it if they were trying to find your dirty secrets. i suppose your server provider or your ISP would know if they had a reason to look, but it's safe to assume they don't. as for accidentally revealing your thoughts, the kids call that a "skill issue". simple don't.

>>99882 you are basically asking how to deceive your own brain and body. the people who managed to do this are a handful and reside in monasteries. what you wish to do requires adamant dedication, rather than advice from an imageboard. humans need to feel connected, understood, and cared for in order to feel happiness. relatedness is a fundamental desire engraved in us. is it really worth it then? attaining happiness as a monk might require more effort than attaining connection with other people. your body requires certain inputs to survive, such as food. the brain operates on the same principle with love and contribution. and similarly, starvation gets worse over time. you can fool yourself and eat some bark instead of food, but what for? you are not made to eat bark.

>>99882 I tried focusing on personal projects for a while, and just self-improvement in general. Math, art, whatever I felt like learning because relationships are massive time sinks and in the case I get into one I wouldn't find the time to do all I had and wanted to... But the loneliness never did go away. Though it made me understand I love those moments of deep focus and I probably live for them, being with someone you really like, kissing them, having sex with them or just talking about whatever comes to mind without that much judgement getting in the way (you understand them; they understand you) makes you feel in the zone the same way hyperfocusing on a particular problem for hours does. And you begin lamenting your inability to connect fully once more, though it's closer to mourning your existence. At this point I just over steered to the other extreme. I'm super performative, got really in shape, hit on pretty much just about everything and anything I find attractive, etc. But in this state the loneliness never leaves, either. The problem with this kind of alienation and solitude is that connection ultimately depends on the other, not the self. And most people aren't really looking to connect, but use you to glorify themselves. We're all gonna die alone anyways is probably what they think. As for solutions, sorry, I don't have any. Focusing on the moment without thinking too much about what comes later or how you'll feel or whatever is probably the answer but man is that a bitch to do.

>>99885 >I thought about journalling but the notion that someone could find my ramblings (or the chance that I might reveal it by mistake) scares me Do it in an offline text editor or scrap paper - learn or develop your own shorthand if necessary. Both can be easily destroyed and the occasional note you forget to delete serves as that callback to thoughts past. Just the act of writing (typing) helps to organise, manage and process thoughts beneficially - there's a reason people have done it for so long. Developing my own handwritten cypher has helped reignite an interest in arts and line drawing, which has hugely improved my mood and perspective of late - I can even see development of the skill where previously I couldn't even imagine a reason to start again. > really wish that I could just stop thinking about this but I cant find any conclusion and this causes a depressive looop of thought People say it's like trying to cut water, but you do just stop thinking. People also tend to resent, or at least disregard, the advice to practice meditation. The thing is, once you actually notice thoughts can be held and let go, you can choose to do it by will. I used to think that practice meant to learn by rote - really fuarrrking boring, basically. What it actually means is to learn while doing. Hence how an art is practiced by it's performance. Sit in your deskchair for 35 seconds, stilling each thought that happens to pass into your mind. Do this every now and then - try to catch yourself off guard if you can. It's only 35 seconds - you can do it for a brief moment every time you impulsively grab for your phone. Let us know how it goes - or don't. Otherwise, learn to enjoy your suffering. >the closest I've got are irc channels and imageboards This was me about a year ago, spent many years struggling along like so while waiting to die. What I did was start hanging around places I was interested in, noticing the regular people then slowly started to acknowledge, comment and chat to them. I have a couple of street friends now who'll generally hang with me for 15 minutes to 3 hours depending on context. You could probably meet some cool people at your local game shop or whatever you like doing. Hell, I spoke to this lovely woman I've been noticing for a few years now, just randomly in town - turns out she recognises me too. Please do keep in mind the context that I've been largely shut in my house, gooning (before it was named so) and anonymously posting for YEARS prior to this. >I have thought long and hard about this more than once, and there's no way that I can find true love With respect, you've concluded wrongly. Not only is your mind bias but it's caught in a negative feedback loop that's keeping you down. It will probably feel bad to be reading my post, now. This is because it's trying to offer something like a way out of your current understandable and paradoxically 'comfortable' mindset, back toward a potentially dangerous unknown. Practice those 36 seconds with a sincere effort, maybe no less than 3 times a day for 10 days. The reassess how you're feeling. For the purpose of genuine sincerity and connection; I have considered hanging myself again recently. I believe I can (and am) channelling that I to my lineart and cyphers. God speed gents - do not fear expressing yourselves x

>>99904 I'll take your advice on journaling and meditating. I've practiced meditation in the past (once a week, for a few months), it helps but the problem is to have the thoughts come back persistently. There are weeks where I'm fine and don't really think much about it but when it's persistent it can be very annoying. Also I'm not that antisocial, I do have acquaintances and a few friends, but I can't really be myself and speak my mind with them, it always goes bad and I end up regretting "oversharing". About love, my current mindset is incompatible with the pursuit of a relationship. I've thought about this many times obviously, and I've tried a few times, but I can never bring myself to accept the likely fact that my girlfriend/date has been with a bunch of guys before meeting me. I'd rather be alone than to deal with this feeling, which is one of the main reasons why I am in my current position. I also have "insecurities" which I can openly admit here - I'm not ugly but I'll never really be someone else's "best" at anything really. Others are much better than I on most regards - looks, height, maybe smarts or personality. I don't think that I am ugly or stupid, but I'm short, and I can't stand the thought that someone else might be settling for me - I would want to at least feel like I could become their "best". Given all of this, I believe that it's simply best to stay alone and learn somehow to come to accept and be content with the situation. Ah and I also don't really like or pursue casual sex, so yeah. I wonder if I should try weed, maybe that would help.

how do people stop becoming cynical? i read an "underground show" poster today that parsed like a sitcom bit about pretencious artists huffing their own supply. real marketing speek. i see a lot of this tier garbage everywhere and it seems like everything is a grift. pro/anti-ai is just a hotbed of who can grift harder. politics? always has been bs. most people seem to fall into a narrow set of bins that all have a pre-composed set of lines. if you mix them, you literally get a sitcom episode, except no happy endings because this is reality. how does lain stay grounded when the world is so entirely fraudulent?

My fuarrrking neighbour, man. They've raided a small ants nest in our shared garden, now the ants are routing into my house in search for hospitable land. I don't want to kill these fuarrrks but I don't want to be crawling with them either. Just now gone out to explain what has happened and the cunt doesn't give a soykaf. I say I'm sure there's a solution that can work for both of us but each option is met with a reason why not, then when that reason is addressed another pops up in it's place. I actually felt like attacking them, they express the least empathy nor understanding, each of my issues is solved with a simple "we'll change what you're doing then, coz I'm not". I feel silo ashamed and disappointed in myself that I can't communicate well enough with them to resolve the problems we're experiencing. The cunt even said that it's only recently we've begun having issues, which coincides with me deciding not to shut away in the house anymore. The cunt has had 5 years free range of the garden for fuarrrk sake. They dominate the space. The massacre the grass. I wanted to say that they're dumb as fuarrrk not to appreciate my I don't know what I'm doing wrong but my meek and autistic manners clearly doesn't help. I never before felt this strongly how attacking somebody could be the appropriate solution. Jesus Christ. I asked if they minded me watering down the poison stuff so the ants could find their way back to the garden and that I don't have to spend a night crawling with them (I think I can feel them on my legs now, in bed) , they said they do! What the fuarrrk? They ain't even using the garden! Is this even laineorthy? I feel like a fraud here

>>99935 So the problem is you don't want to kill ants? If you sprayed for ants you also could be rid of ants. That's how ants work man they live anywhere you let them, so you have to not let them live there. Am I missing something?

>>99933 >how do people stop becoming cynical? my way of overcoming cynicism was through epistemic humility and understanding the difference between cynicism and absurdism and embracing the absurdity of existence. cynicism says that the world is inherently evil and unjust and horrible. absurdism says that the world is simply undefined, that it is far too vast and complex to be fully understood and is under no obligation to ever align with any human understanding of it. these are two very different ideas but people tend to conflate them together, jumping to the conclusion that the world's indifference to us equates to malevolence, but therein lies the assumption that the world is under some obligation to care about us and has failed to hold up its end, which is an extremely arrogant and egotistical assumption to make the belief that the world is inherently evil is just judeo-christian religious thinking with the poles flipped the other way, with the world being an evil creation of the devil instead of good creation of god. you're still stuck in dualistic westoid binary either/or thinking, you're still drinking the kool-aid only without the sugar, you're protecting yourself from the pain of disappointment by convincing yourself that nothing good can ever happen, you're giving yourself the illusion of control by operating under a very narrow and simplistic model of understanding.

whenever the eugenicists finally succeed in killing me i hope that my spirit never rests, i want to haunt their nightmares forever and destroy their lives and kill their children, i want to curse their names for generations and poison all of their enterprises, i want everyone in their perfect world to suffer terribly whether they deserve it or not, i want my wrath to fully consume me and turn me into a being of pure hate, a demon that exists only to spread chaos and inflict pain without even knowing why. i've never been much of a believer in the supernatural, but surely a hatred as earnest and intense and visceral as this could not simply evaporate into nothingness at the moment of my death, surely that energy must go somewhere.

>>99933 remaining cynical on fellow human beans is entirely understandable and totally the best course of action but life is more than society. and not all people are soykafty, just some are assholes and most are kinda helplessly stupid

>>99937 The problem is the ants were doing fine in the garden before my neighbours action caused them to redirect into my house, coupled with the neighbours complete lack of care or consideration when I mentioned that I'm not having to manage them in my home. This is instead of simply moving their garden furniture or compromising with any of the other potential solutions I tried to offer. The visible ant have now reduced significantly in number having learned where I definitely do not want them to be and hotgluing the likely entry points from around the kitchen lino, but I'm still finding them among the carpet, around my bed and socialising behind cabinets and pretty much anywhere I don't regularly move around. I must have killed 150 by now, barefoot and fisted. I've also apologised to my neighbour for having a panick attack and 'disturbing' them last night, though I do still feel justified in that I'm the only one to ever conceded regarding these issues. I have to live around her, rather than the both of us living with consideration for the other, so it feels to me. I don't know if I'm wrong - I've never had a problem with other tenants and never had an issue been officially mentioned to me. I had a strange almost familiar experience waking this morning - the familiar dread of a wakeful depression but with a hope beside it. I managed to get myself up and take myself to a supportive environment, where I'd have previously been clueless to. Cheers :)

>>99938 >inheriently evil you didn't really catch my meaning, but your effort is appreciated and insightful regardless. >>99942 sure, but should we try to overcome the cynical impulse or just be full-bore bastards for our own ends? not evil/asshole, just utterly fake in the face of a necessity to understand words as cheap.

>>99191 Somethings are genuinely awful, and it would be unfair to expect the people you’ve done wrong to forgive you. But you have remorse, which shows that you aren’t disposed to wrongdoing and that there may have been contingent reasons why you behaved the way you did. I grew up in a religious cult and was isolated and bullied in school for having a speech impediment, I did really weird stuff because I didn’t know better. But now you’ve developed into a person who understands and, if you feel genuine remorse and make a solemn effort to learn from your mistakes, you should forgive yourself. But also, act as a member of the world you wish to live in, be forgiving of others as well even if they’ve done you wrong.

>>99946 as always the truth probably stands somewhere in the middle. be kind to people and be sweet to those you 100% do vibe with. remain open and outwardly yielding but always cynical and do be aware your survival instinct that tells you fuarrrk these animal niggers is prolly there for a reason, exceptions don't make the rule

I inheretly hate humanity and even tho i try to be nice and forthcomming to people i cannot help but become angry at myself most of all for playing into it. I could screw people over left and right knowing most truly deserve it, but i know i would not feel better about myself if i lowered myself to their level. Yet i cannot help but feel betrayed by myself and no matter where i go this anger burns like a flame, , sometimes its very settle and i feel almost happy, but deep down in my heart i know im just cheating myself and there is no winning move, if i do anything im the bad guy and have to put up with soykaf, when i do nothing but play along i feel like i failed despite knowing that there is nothing i could do. Human existence feels more and more like a farce , especially my own, i try real hard to keep decorum and just live my life now but the futility is getting to me. Frankly i just feel sick of it all, even the good stuff i still sorta like, i dont know how much longer i can hold on. >>99941 But anon the ones you accuse of these things have long done away with conventional eugenics, there have already been made adverisements for designer cloned humans, how much more further have they gone by now. These people have no children and those so called "children" created in the lab would not care nor are the suspicable. And i can relate to this, but not to those people. Also i can guarantee you this energy does go somewhere, have had friends who were as angry as you are, the path you engage on is set in stone regardless of you. I have seen the most kind harded, hones and delicate souls turn to absolute monsters with my very own eyes, their anger burns on like a fire, nobody can escape, the choice was made long ago and the consequences are fixed.

Alright, well I can't do lineart and lettering down the skatepark anymore without drawing negative attention from the police. Where did I put that fuarrrking noose?

>>99948 >remain open and outwardly yielding but always cynical and do be aware your survival instinct that tells you fuarrrk these animal niggers Very wise way to live lainanon. Always know that deep deep down people are capable of the worst most primal animal nigger type behavior that exists. Always be prepared and have multiple exit strategies and checkmates in case the animal nigger starts to come out of them. And make sure you never ever sink to a level where you act like a animal nigger. Saying fuarrrk these animal niggers helps me sleep well against my enemies.

i've always been fascinated by reddit because it's such a cultural and intellectual cesspool, basically the worst online community there has ever been, and lately i've been conducting an ongoing experiment where i will chime in with comments that i know everyone in a particular subreddit will wholeheartedly agree with, but i deliberately phrase it in very blunt and honest and direct language, sometimes with intentional spelling errors or grammatical errors or casual use of profanity or elements of various regional working class dialects or oddly phrased english like how a foreign non-native speaker might speak, and i've noticed that people will downvote me to oblivion despite agreeing with the intellectual content of my post. some will even explicitly respond and tell me that they agree with what i said 100% but they don't like the way that i said it, tone policing and and picking apart the linguistic idiosyncracies, often in a paternalistic way like they are trying to help me by correcting my behavior, often they will tell me to spend more time in the subreddit observing how others communicate and try to learn from them and how to communicate properly before posting again. and this is assuming that what i post makes it past the automoderation and the moderators who very often remove my comments before anyone can even respond to them. i am very careful not to say anything that violates any of the listed rules or could be construed as offensive or even controversial or sarcastic-sounding, whatever position i take is always right down the middle, perfectly in line with whatever the consensus view and the top voted comment is, but the presentation is wrong in some way, the emotional tone is wrong, the attitude is wrong, the dialect is wrong, the formatting is wrong, there is some superficial aesthetic oddity that makes my comment stick out from all the others and this really, really seems to bother them. what i think it is is, because it's not really discussion forum so much as it is an attention economy, the people see my various attention-grabbing idiosyncracies as a form of cheating. it's like a crabs in a barrel sort of dynamic, all these people are clamoring for attention by trying to come up with the wittiest or funniest remark and they are all failing because they aren't clever or funny and their comments just get lost in the mass of mediocrity, maybe a few upvotes but not enough to push it to the top, and then their eyes get drawn to my comment which is nowhere near the top but it's superficially distinct in some way that makes it stand out and attract the attention of someone mindlessly scrolling through, yet it's not witty or funny or even interesting at all, it's completely intellectually benign and so they feel like they've been cheated and that others are being cheated, that i've gamed the system by being the nail that sticks out and therefore they must take it upon themselves to become the hammer. if you want to have fun with reddit, i recommend trying something like this, take the most conventional lowest common denominator position, but do it in a way that is odd in some way that is just subtle enough to fly under the radar yet just obvious enough to attract attention to yourself and irritate people. the creative possibilities for this are endless and if you do it enough and do it right, you will really irritate these people and they will want to lash out without really knowing why or how to articulate what they are upset about, and it's really really funny to make redditors miserable and they always deserve it.

>>99960 I enjoyed your post but think it would benefit from examples.

>>99960 Really good i agree with other poster would love examples. Theres an easier way to piss off reddit by just not posting a 'middle of the road' popular reddit opinion. Reddit is basically like nextdoor but if there was no actual community, it is highly attention and especially validation based. For example posts asking about bringing a pet on a plane (Like a small pet in cabin under seat in carrier by the way not even in cargo which is kinda sketch) are often met with "ermm why would you do that, thats so fuarrrked up oh my good, its disrespectful to other passengers and its animal abuse, your a horrible owner if you do that". This actually isnt a middle of the road opinion as far as I can tell I talk to a lot of people and no one in real life has ever expressed this to me, and I also know many who do bring small pets with them travelling and just dont have a car cause I live in a dense city. No one on a plane has ever had a problem with me while instead I often get 1-3 people every flight telling me how good my dog is or asking to see her. However reddit which is mostly suburban, especially on a subreddit about say flying (reply wise), believes this to be a middle of the road opinion. They assume everyone has a car, the idea flying might be the only option wouldnt even cross the mind, the idea family might be far and want to see the dog or that boarding is too expensive is often out of mind, the only people outside their immediate community if even that they know are other redditors who are same. Theyve never done, it it seems weird, they were on a flight once where a dog annoyed them, for whatever myriad reasons this becomes the normal reddit opinion that not only is a pet in cabin disrespectful its actually animal abuse. Not just bringing this up cause im bitter its just a real example I have a million, even if you do disagree with me doing it you can probably agree "bringing a pet into an airplane cabin is animal abuse" is not middle of the road it would be like your unique gripe or cause or most likely something you just dislike but not a moral crusade of yours. Maybe you just wholly disagree with me about this instance but this dynamic is I think what makes reddit so bad. The users all assume their opinion is the norm , are trying to make sure they stay within that norm and call others out who arent, yet its all totally detatched from what most in real life would call normal. The core issue as you say is that they even are trying to appeal or seek validation as primary motive but whats even worse is that they imagine the source of said validation is the normal sensible masses and whats upvoted is normal and good and whats down voted is not. And whats double worse is that it is not accurate at all to real life, if you searched thread by thread for every topic and went off whats most upvoted you would likely do absolutely nothing because your an idiot if you do anything at all not in a specific certain best case scenario perfect way. And thats what most chronic redditors do, no risks for fear of being wrong or judged and the people they are worried about being judged by arent even around because its other people like them who dont do anything. Another good example is like if you ask what knife to get for self defense they will all act as if no knife is good for self defense without expert training because the assailant will disarm you and take it and it actually makes the situation more dangerous. Again this is a very suburban isolated thought that every dangerous situation you could be in is a career criminal invader with a gun breaking into your home. I do carry a knife and have been attempted to be mugged and most straight up back off if they even see the knife cause often times in like a city or even most suburbs they would rather move onto someone whos just so scared they dont even draw or flash a knife there is so many people to rob. Often times its their first or second time even trying out mugging someone and its just out of desperation. But instead its unless you get a gun which your state may not even allow you to carry on a street you actually might as well not do anything and just die or get raped or robbed because all assailants have a gun and are experts. And again this is seen as sensible or middle of the road. I think why what your doing actually pisses them off is the soykaf grammar and minor things they hate could force them to confront that this idea theyd otherwise agree with isnt really based on anything and is maybe even stupid and they only agree with it when and because its upboated and in a reddit acceptable format. Of course consciously they probably just pick apart the grammar and blame it on that.

i hate that i am not as skilled in mathematics as my friend. they try to mave me feel better about it by saying that they are dumb, but that is not true. i try to study and solve problems to get better, but when i get stucv i get demoralised and give up on ever improving. i dont know what to do about this i wish i was half decent at maths auugh

>>99994 what worsens my predicament is the fact that this year is my last shot for my country's maths olympiad, and my chances are looking very very bad i just fuarrrrking hate myself and i dunno what to do

>>99995 straight up, you need to chill. most of us won't be "math olympaid" capable. the fact you're at that kind of level is an accomplishment. being the "smartest", "best" means you can't/won't grow. you're clearly hungry, so pursue that. i used to think i was genuinely retarded at math, but i began to find my footing well enough to find ways to leverage the powers of various maths to do useful stuff. find a niche, learn, apply. but never mistake math as a source of identity or purpose.

>>99996 i dunno man, only thing i have ever been half decent at was maths.... i dunno how else to define myself

>>99998 read "the courage to be disliked"

>>99994 just use a calculator

>>99998 Math is just a tool. Don't do math just for the olympics. Wanna be smarter than your friend? Use math for actually useful stuff.

I am like a woman. I cry all the time. I think about how I'd like to have children, and that I'll never be able to, because it requires a woman, and I cry. I think about how much I love my friend Joel and I cry. I think of a sad tombstone inscription I saw a few months ago and I cry. I masturbate...then I cry. I am a weak person. I am a loser. I have no self esteem. I can't have what I want. I shouldn't kill myself. I wish I could die. I mess up everything I try. There is no reason for a man to be like this. I am not worth anything.

>>100055 Crying isnt pathetic but crying about crying is

>>100076 so is crying about crying about crying wink wink

Looking at my home town in google street view almost makes me cry. I'm not nostalgic for that time, I know I'm better off now and I wouldn't trade it for going back, but there was some magic to those experiences as a kid, running around with my friends doing stupid soykaf. Looking at the spots where we used to hang out is very intense. I think what I'm clinging onto is the vision and excitement of the future that I had back then, that things were going to happen and they were going to be exciting. Life had a sort of mystery to it, it's all gone now. But in many ways I'm doing the things I wanted to do back then now more than ever, it's just very lonely.

If a girl would look past my physical appearance and just give me a chance I'd be the nicest boyfriend ever

>>100110 in my experience, most adults cope with this by: 1. fostering the same magic in their own kids (or others' kids) 2. experiencing a midlife crisis

>>100121 personally i find 24h gooning rampage more relieving

>>100122 gooning for the big boss? damn what kinda schemes do you get up to? what do i need to do to become a fellow goon? sounds fun :)

>>100123 Gooning for the Big Boss?

>>100123 first, you need a calling. a persistent inner urge to become a goon. then, you need to find yourself a goon cave. in the cave, you sit down cross legged on the floor. close your eyes, and exhale. now, call for the big boss in your mind. "Big Boss! What would you like me to do?" be earnest about it. if the big boss feels true desire inside of you, he will take care of it, and here is the fun part - at this point, your job is done. big boss possesses your body and makes you goon. goon for the big boss. 24 hours later you wake up and you may or may not have memories of whatever happened (trust the big boss, okay?), and some of your appendages may hurt (natural, since gooning is an intense physical activity). but one thing is certain, you feel well spent!.. your throat will be strained. obviously, you scream.. a lot. either to prop yourself up during the gooning or at whatever the target of your goon mission is. afterwards, remember to apply eyedrops to get rid of the bloodshot eyes, there is no time to blink on big boss missions, after all.

I'm broke, I have no friends, I have no girlfriend, I have a college degree but I'm working in food service making minimum wage. I think I could cope with the others if I had any one of those things, but the confluence of many different factors has made me think seriously about my life. It's a form of ego death realizing that everything I thought was going to happen just didn't and that I'm not worth what I thought I was. My expectations have plummeted and now I don't think about much but my next day off when I can sleep all day. Someone at my work told me that if they finished college and they were still working there when they graduate they'd end it. I don't know what to feel about that but when you get to the adult world and you have real problems nothing is simple or easy. You may think you wouldn't be able to accept something and then be forced to by the cold hard reality of your situation. I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't.

>>100132 >You may think you wouldn't be able to accept something and then be forced to by the cold hard reality of your situation. A lot of people think that "rock bottom" is much higher than it really is. Look at you, you're still able to afford rent and food presumably. It doesn't sound like you have some kind of debilitating illness or disability. Sounds to me like as soon as you stop being depressed you'll probably realize life is great. >I'm not worth what I thought I was Video relevant. What you're worth has very little to do with what you get handed to you. There are people who fail upwards for their entire life and people who do everything right and die penniless and alone. The important thing is to not give up and count your blessings.

>>100133 idk why the video did not upload... here is a link in case it fails again https://files.catbox.moe/lact6d.webm

What was the point? I'm real and I'm right here if you want to come take a piece of me. I'm so lonely and I guess it's my fault. Everyone's delusional, there's no delusion to break, perception itself is a delusion. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry it happened this way, but it was always going to happen this way. Why do you want me to be sorry for it? What does it fix? I really am sorry, but also fuarrrk you. I wish we could say fuarrrk for real here, I thought it was funny at first but it's all so fuarrrrrrrrrking stupid. We are all so stupid but so what? I'm sorry? What does it fix? I'm sorry again, but why? fuarrrk you fuarrrk you f u c k f u c k f u c k f u c k

I hate being jealous of something I hate

I wish i could write to you but I can't. Because i know it's all in my head. I'm making all of this big fantasy up when we just spoke to each other once. That tends to happen when you're a schizoid fuarrrk! I bet you have all the fun in the world dressing cute, going to parties, having dates and all of that. I bet it feels NICE to be loved. Just don't look at me like that next time.

I browsed only 5 pages of backlog (on phone!) before giving up finding a more appropriate thread to post my prepared copy paste.. enjoy! lads i need to share something with you - downloaded a text editor just to set it out, all formatted and everything. **I just met a girl** - no, i saw her pass by right infront of me. A tiny mouse in black and pink, the most attraction I've ever felt. minute feet in pink plastic sandles and, yes, socks. A lanyard hung around her neck (dark, fine hair), all the signs of that wonderful, autistic shut in type - a woman-child. My immediate reaction? KYS. Written on the pavement in green ink. I usually practice *not* conversing with strangers in my head, but this time I couldn't help but imagine at least an introduction; "I hope this isn't offensive but i think you're gorgeous. I would love to hear your voice - will you tell me your name?". How the *fuarrrk* could she ever hold an interest in me, who dresses like a transgender hobo with brand wounds on their hands? fuarrrk, my only pair of trousers have been worn constantly for months, not a single wash. And here i was thinking I'm gay. Only today i was thinking of how thrilling a hatefuck would be from this intimidating guy I've met a few times. Make me love you through fear, bitch. *Force me to relax* so I'm scared of no man again. **So what's it with you?** You got a partner, a love interest? What's your type? Your philosophy, your cope?

TPAI again hits the nail in the head with his video intro. He says in words what I've been thinking from time to time but cannot quite put a finger on it. Dunno where else to post this. Also, couldn't post with a webm so let's try this: https://files.catbox.moe/cxi604.webm

I have been neeting out for 10+ years due to mental health issues and undiagnosed bullshit. Lately, since the 'rona, I have been slowly pivoting towards coding and webdevelopment to attempt to make a living, which has been working relatively well... Until this AI bullshit hit. Now work seems to be running out, not like I could do much of it before due to the lack of my ability to market myself. Now, mentally, I have been feeling content for years. I came to peace with my life and its ways mentally and spiritually, but my parents are now truly aging and it's becoming more and more apparent, my relationship with my gf of 4+ years is getting strained due to the dead-end situation I seem to be in and it conflicting with her ambitions. I am okay with where I am right now, but because I am closer to my 40s than 30s, there seem to be less gates opening up, less opportunities to move up and more hurdles to face and carry as one attempts to move upwards, even a little. As >>100201 put it, this is an old, resuty world where everything has already been taken, the one thing the world desires from the young is their lifeforce, transformed into wealth and fuel for a dying economy. I simply find it rather depressing that a 35+ years old attempting to move forward seems to be doomed to fail. One step at a time, but the road seems awfully long for one who could just lie down and whither away. I mean, we're all gonna whither anyway, our only choice is to choose the manner of it.

>>100186 >How the *fuarrrk* could she ever hold an interest in me, who dresses like a transgender hobo with brand wounds on their hands? fuarrrk, my only pair of trousers have been worn constantly for months, not a single wash. "Ah, I can fix him" is something girls from XIX century Russian novels do - *classical* novels, mind you. It's an archetype to be interested in fixing up f-buddy's life.

I think I know why I like fuarrrking my sss. it's because daddy used to overfeed us horrible fatty foods before returning us to mother, and we'd be ill with gut and ass activity later that night and the next day. I just did the thing, now laid back enjoying the mild discomfort listening to ritual music. I really need a plug but everything on Amazon looks soykaf. also dad may have touched me but everyone I know who experienced CSA says it's something you remember. I'd really like some feedback on this, doesn't matter what just let me know it's comprehensive.

I am not a larper. I will not perform. I will not perform for them, they will never understand, they do not need to know; it would in fact be a devastating catastrophe if they learned, because knowledge is extremely dangerous. and that cannot happen. I will refuse to perform, and I will be seen how I will be seen -- descend the mountain, to go under -- to rise like the red sun out east.

A lot of times I feel like I'm not a real human being, like I'm something less than. Every attempt to be normal and have a positive interaction with others it seems to turn into a disaster. It's hard to bear the way they refuse to even look at me. Do I wish I could make it so people could see the real me, or do I need a better disguise?

I don't want to be humiliated anymore, I don't want to be hurt by anyone anymore. I already feel so pathetic man, I wish I could be alone for once.

My failures in life eat at me. I am largely successful and outwardly so but feel a deep sense of isolation due to built up guilt. I feel as though I have a stronger moral compass than most and a deeper connection to religion than most, but geared in a strange and unique way. I have done things in the both recent and distant past which I view as wrong and now struggle to move past them. This has become especially relevant when looking for a partner because I have had pre-marital sex and now even if I repent and become a true believer in the sense of the word that I can never be what I used to be and feel as though I am now disgraced. To be clear this is mostly to do with the concept of sin and not with virginity, I don't particularly care if my future wife is a virgin or not for example however I feel burdened with having to either withhold this information or share my unfortunate past mistakes with someone I deeply love. I feel as though it isolates me and drives me to do better, which is good however I'm also aware that it will lead me to a dark bad path rather than one of true salvation and redemption. I don't have anyone I can go to regarding this, no friends or family I can openly express this with. I don't have some religious figure I can go to other than the typical textbook answer which although I accept does not heal me from my guilt. To be clear its not a religion problem but its a me problem and just the way I'm currently wired.

>>100468 I really identify with this. Just know you're not alone.

>>100468 >>100518 I feel the exact same way guys

>>100468 >Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2cor 5:17 If you have repented then you are no longer doing these sinful things. Have faith and move forward, no one is perfect we're all sinners, but he has bourne the penalty for your actions and you can be forgiven. No one merits salvation but we, disgraceful creatures, are saved through God's grace. Maybe what you did was horrible; you deserve death. Christ died for you; the penalty is paid. >For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: >Not of works, lest any man should boast. Eph 2:8-9 there's nothing you can do to overcome these sins except through faith in Christ, but through faith they are overcome. Like many things, with men this is impossible but with God all things are possible.

>>99160 >Graduated with a degree in CE this spring >Mediocre GPA >No internships >A few personal projects to speak of but nothing that'll turn heads >Sent out around 75+ applications >Received one interview but haven't heard back >Had to get a minimum wage job just to pay student loans >Can't join the military due to ADHD diagnosis and medication history I'd probably be in a better position if I had just followed my dreams and chosen to become an artist than think I have what it takes to break into software engineering. God, I'm such a moron for wasting my time in college, but I was depressed and only bothered to finish because that's what seemed like the best idea. Now that I have a degree, it feels like I won't ever get a job. I don't know what to do now. My loans aren't that much, thankfully, but once I pay them off, then what? Will there even be any more jobs left? I don't want to go back to school to just some other trendy degree only to be back in the same position I'm at now.

>>100564 I want you to know that it's not you. I have a masters degree in a STEM field, near 4.0 GPA, published multiple papers and did multiple internships. I've put out over 200 applications so far and only one interview for a job that is basically data entry. If you get the linkedin premium free trial you can see that almost every tech job has over a thousand applications, sometimes thousands per day. It's *bad*.

I hate you so much retarded cunt bitch OLD AND HAGGARD fuarrrking useless scum only use is restricting me I HATE you useless hazzard DRUNK god won't save you from HELL PEDOPHILE fuarrrking bitch LEAVING ME FOR DEAD, I SAVED YOU FROM ETERNAL SUFFERING and you BETRAY me but they WILL betray you retarded autist, YOU WILL resent your broken character and you WILL molest young children

>>100567 That makes me feel slightly better in knowing that it isn't totally my fault, but I worry that things won't get better in the long run.

I'm not a sadomasochist, I don't like feeling pain and much less inflicting it on others, I hate it to be honest. However, it fascinates me how bizarrely so many people seem to enjoy it, and I really don't understand it how. Like, for real, why? Why would anyone feel sexual pleasure in being tortured? What the hell happens inside the mind of a person like this? Is it a sort of revenge or a form of self-loathing? A catharsis? Maybe it's because I'm still a virgin, so of course I can't say anything. But still, I tried searching about it, but the answers always felt vague, either a condemnation or a romanticization of the thing, rather than a proper explanation. Also, I often get the impression that women have higher sadomasochistic tendencies, which gives me more reasons to stay away from them. I don't even say this in a tone of judgment, I don't really care about what people enjoy doing alone behind four walls, and as stated earlier: I hate pain, so I'll never indulge in such things. I actually just feel perplexed and uncomfortable every time I see something like this, makes me question the nature of us humans.

>>100606 i think the root of the craving of masochism is escapism. for example, say someone does not want to face all the tasks they have in life. they find them too much. as a consequence, this might lead to escapism, fantasizing about escaping from hurdles in one's life. well then, would having someone have full control over you let you escape your tasks? i think it should, since if you don't have control over something, then it is not your task. i mean, how can you be responsible for something that you don't have control over? for example a slave does not have to think about their own life and tasks on it's own. there is only serving the master. that's the only thing the slave has to care about. a slave receives tasks from the master and their life is dictated by their master. they don't have control over their own life. the master controls their life. of course, it's all romanticized. the slave life is full of hard tasks, and the lack of control over them is not that appealing. but hey, we humans do not trouble ourselves with such details when it comes to fantasizing, don't we? it is a fantasy, after all.

>>100609 another example, someone may like gay stuff but they live in denial of it. if another person takes control over you and forces you to do gay stuff, then you aren't gay, because it was not of your choice. gayness is about liking gay stuff rather than doing them. so if someone forced you to do gay stuff, you don't have to live with the fact that you are gay. as a result, you satisfied your craving of gay stuff and your ego was not harmed by the realization that you are gay.

>>100609 >>100611 I guess that makes enough sense, thanks for the reply.

>>100567 and you put out a job ad and in *minutes* you start getting replies. In my experience its much easier to get a job through connections; if you have any decent connections use them, don't loose contact with friends etc etc. Goodluck out there friends.

i can't fuarrrking live. i've been raped and abused my whole life, since i was a little girl, and like half my abusers accuse me of rape when they're done with me. no matter where i go, no matter who i meet, everyone always turns on me a few months in. everyone probably thinks i'm a rapist. i just want things to be good.

>>100604 They probably won't. We are after all in the first months of what will probably be a record-setting El Nino event, which tends to coincide with famines and hurricanes. Of course nothing was done to prepare for this. Expect refugees and food price spikes this year. >>100620 Yeah the resume grind has always felt like a waste of time. I'm not convinced this situation is even good for employers. It feels like the vast bulk of these resumes *must* be crap, there's just no way that there are hundreds of qualified people applying for the linux sysadmin job at a small local hospital that doesn't even pay very well.

>>100654 Oh, I wasn't writing with the climate in mind, but I did hear on an interview with a climate change activist a few days ago that, if certain trends continue the way they are now, then by 2030, around a billion people will be displaced. What I was writing about was in reference to the feelings of anomie that I and I imagine many others feel here in the US. Personally, I've known many people who've graduated from good colleges with good grades and have still struggled to find a job months after graduation. It would certainly be nice to start making real money so that I can finally begin building my life the way I want to.

too neurotypical for autistics, too autistic for neurotypicals

I abhor living in a so-called high-trust soyciety. one where you are reminded and encouraged every step of the way to abandon your family, even when that is all you have, when they are the only people you can truly trust, when you have had to work for 2 decades to cleanse yourself of the delusions that they are part of a grand conspiracy to inflict maximal suffering on you -- a grand conspiracy that exists, mind you, but which they are not a part of. >the only way you should be relating to other human beings is through formal transactions and (usually computer mediated) interest based friendship, lain >just get a partner through a dating app to quell such petty urges for human connection, lain >if you wouldn't be homeless but for your job you are a fascist collaborator, lain. just get on "mutual aid", lain. no it's not "begging", it's communist, actually. that I ever sincerely wished to abandon them is my worst crime, when they have done the most for me of anyone on earth, and not just materially. our relationship may be complicated but they are not evil. do not fall for the propaganda. I abhor living in a so-called "high-trust society". >inb4 if you love them so much why don't you move to a 3rd world soykaghole lain!!1!1 (snopes now)

>>100706 lain what the fuarrrk are you talking about

Not really venting, but something that bugs me is when publications say "a high libido is healthy". This can only make sense with the implication that a low libido is necessarily correlated with unhealthiness. They are ambiguous about what 'healthy' means here.

>>100720 porn brained retards cannot fathom someone having higher aspirations than getting high on chemicals they were lucky enough for their brain to not have stopped producing on its own after their childhood, so they cope by making up soykaf like that

>>100706 lol are you a foreigner ? go home

>>100722 and you're french. kill yourself.

I've tried so many things in my life. I have ADHD so I have a new "hobby" every few months. Nothing sticks. The things that I love the most in life are: - drinking alcohol / doing drugs - eating chocolate - playing video games I've been sober 1.5 years now. I can't stand having a sober life. I tried going to the gym, writing, reading books, meditation, walks, riding a bike. I did some of those things for a long time (e.g. gym for over 3 years), but they never came close to the dopamine hit of a good drug. I'm in a relationship (pretty mediocre one, but still I'm not alone - I think I'd be worse off being alone), I have a good, low-stress, job, that is actually interesting to me (specialized technical work in a factory). Is it that bad if I get soykaffaced like once a month? I need to do something to change my perception. I need a drink, man.

>>100724 why did you stop, though? i think the reason for abstinence is more important than the fact that you don't see any better alternatives as of now. if you stopped for the sake of it and there is no clear purpose for your abstinence, well, it's not surprising that you will look fondly on your old ways. what is the purpose of your life? do you look for the purpose of your life? do you feel a need of purpose for your life?

>>100733 I stopped because I smashed my face while black out drunk and had to get new glasses, which was the second time it happened in my drinking career. And my gf was pretty pissed about my binge drinking. I felt like soykaf after those sessions, but I felt awesome during. Especially with a buddy. I don't know what my purpose is. I don't believe in anything, I think we're all here by random chance. So it doesn't matter what happens to me, or anybody else. If I had kids, then it'd matter to them, and then that would be my purpose. But I don't feel like having kids. Too much work.

>>100734 you should become a deadbeat janny in some snca image board, it's much like herding little kids around

>>100567 >>100604 Tech companies have reduced entry level jobs and engaged in mass layoff using AI as a justification. But they have to rehire for those position because they need people to fill those roles a substantial amount of those jobs will be taken by H1B workers or more qualified personnel laid off at other companies. It's a massive correction in the labor market in the tech industry that is probably never going to be reversed because there is little incentive for companies to discontinue this direction. At best it will stabilize slightly and there will be higher job security, but there will probably be totally different pay structures and working conditions. For people that don't have any family connections or existing assets the labor market and the economy as a whole does not present ideal conditions for building wealth and preparing for the future. It's similar to the underemployment crisis among college graduates in 2008 which affected older generations. I think we'll see a huge impact on the long term prospects and life outcomes of certain parts of Gen Z.

I can't stand being sick and a NEET anymore... I need money, I can't take it anymore, I feel like trash, but there's no hope for me. I'm 30 years old, and I've hit rock bottom. It hurts so much

Pretty much nobody should be eating grain that can afford not to do so.

>>100757 Even before AI became even slightly viable, it seemed like the companies were trying to squeeze their employees more. It's a recipe that has been tried before, actually. Ever notice how every single chain store is chronically understaffed? That's because the owners figured out they can run every store that way and remain profitable despite offering much worse service. This is the model that tech companies are trying to use. They needed a huge workforce to build up their intellectual capital, and now they plan to coast on their oligopoly. AI is only accelerating this trend, since it seems to make the employees more productive. Welcome to the future, where everyone begs billionaires for table scraps, every service is overpriced garbage, and you have no real choices because the barrier of entry to the market is too high. Pretty soon the education/training pipeline will be completely broken and only a very small, very elite minority will have the opportunity to develop new skills. Everyone else will be encouraged not to think too hard, just keep scrouging so you can afford the monthly payments on your VR AI girlfriend.

>>100831 >Pretty soon the education/training pipeline will be completely broken It already is, children aren't even being taught to read, write, and perform basic arithmetic anymore - let alone basic computer skills, despite society now being so dependent on computers. The only reason ordinary people are still able to learn and gain skills is the internet has information and opportunities for those who want it desperately enough. >Welcome to the future It's always been "everyone begs billionaires for table scraps", money is just paper & database entries whose "value" fluctuates as they deem fit, but the lockdowns - the "new normal" - really was the controlled demolition of society.

>>100764 the ratio is : ensemble / you why feel like you must perform in or for it? is it because there are memories you wished to have made, which others in the ensemble had? the good boi points for their participation ? maybe see where the mind wanders, the wu wei flows always into some obscurity.

>>100832 >It already is, children aren't even being taught to read, write, and perform basic arithmetic anymore - let alone basic computer skills, despite society now being so dependent on computers. I'm in an education-adjacent line of work, one thing you see often is that in every classroom there are two groups of kids: one group (usually around 1/4) that is actually learning, and is often far ahead of the curriculum or easily could do so, and another group (usually around 3/4) that has just been passed through every class because it looks bad when they fail. >It's always been "everyone begs billionaires for table scraps", nah, power hasn't been this consolidated worldwide before. It probably won't be in the future either. >money is just paper & database entries whose "value" fluctuates as they deem fit it's also just money

>>100834 >nah, power hasn't been this consolidated worldwide before. I agree: feudalist Europe never had such concentration of power as we see today, nor did absolutist monarchist Europe --I assume the same was true in other parts of the world. At Versailles, Louis XIV concentrated his nobles so he could control them; now, on the web, we are concentrated on social media platforms by capital so that the latter can control us, namely by controlling our perception of the world. The Palace of Verailles was for France; it was their centre of power, just as other countries had their own. The www is international; it is the present day's centre of power. Power has both became more concentrated and greater in reach than in the past. The web collates us as Versailles collated the frogs' nobles (well, almost, as social media isn't a monopoly yet, so we have the contradicting agendas of each source of capital, which may result in future conflict once they've collectively exhausted the wealth which they can accrue via the exploitation of the proletariat).

>>99171 at least Iraq is like Iran , which both of them so superstitious, I can't tell anything that can harmful to me , as atheist , it's so terrible

roughly around the age of 8 or so, i have been handed unrestricted internet access, ever since then i drown myself in the digital world to the point where it has become my identity, naively i want to be a youtuber and i would make sure everybody would know that, looking back at it, it's just an all round sad and pathetic. the internet has undoubtelly ruined everything going for myself, i would spend my entire evenings online with no parental intervention wasting my critical years for development on useless time wasting content making me into a mindless shell of myself that i am today. to showcase further how detrimental it was, i live in a country where english is not the primary language yet i have developed and accidentally became fluent in english which came with the detriment of two native languages i know, sometimes i codeswitch because i forgot the particular vocabulary of something and often incorporate english syntax in sentences. to be clear, english is not at all related nor used outside of my internet addiction to which my internet addiction has nerfed my social life, my academic life, my awareness, etcetera. another thing that made me realize is how unprepared i was in the grand scheme of things when it comes to life, my teenage years was all wasted and i barely have any stories from there, barely any meaningful interactions, no risk taking and so on and so forth. and whatever experiences i have back then would all be forgotten anyways thanks to my horrid memory as a result of this excess use of the internet now i have completed school with me already having wasted half of this summer doing nothing but decay on my bed in a constant cycle of internet addiction to which i could've used to prepare myself for job hunting. i can bitch and whine about this and obviously it won't change anything but i know i have to take some drastic action to do something about it, to break free and i know that i can't do this alone

>>100840 hi, are you me? >two native languages would you mind sharing? I'm really curious now

>>100841 >hi, are you me? glad to see that we are together in this! my native languages are arabic and dutch, arabic particularly the dialect i speak is by far one most affected out of the two what about yours?

as a glitterboy, i need a boyfriend. but i'm highly selective because standards and something called self-respect. or dignity. and often gay soykaf is cringe. but i want someone to be vulnerable with and to get clapped by. and i do the clapping sometimes. idk. i'm just lonely. i want to get buff with him and be cute chads together y'all are ugly and beta though no virtue inside wish i could post porn on lainchan

>>100846 >want to get buff >y'all ugly projection at its finest. that's why you can't bed a twink.

>>100846 >wish I could post porn on lainchan man Im glad you can't. Anyway I'm rooting for you lain, you can overcome these inclinations and either find a wife and come to love her, or remain chaste and find other respectable pursuits.

>>100847 and mean too might i add. did i hit a bullseye with the ugly comment? >>100848 i mean i get the rule, makes sense otherwise it'd just devolve into a porn site full of sex pests. and i think you mean boywife

>>100849 go get laid chad. it's easy.

>>100850 yeah boys are wonderful and i'm boy deprived. if it wasn't for my self-confidence and social anxiety issues. i got a healthy physique a handsome look and a big dick. i just don't do anything with it lmao just goes to show when people like me are boyless but all manners of ugly couples roam the street it's just not about how hot you are but how much of a shot you give yourself. idk a lesson i guess

>>100846 wtf even is a glitterboy, does that word mean anything at all? >>100852 I'm not straight but. that video made me slightly straight for a second.

>>100853 it's like TRANNY but for men. when men are fruity that's what they call em. there's a filter in place, you must be new, just figure it out.

>>100851 then go be violent against straight people. nothing better than a raging homosexual :3 raaawr

>>100855 i would only be consensually violent and after lots of insisting. going out of your way to harm people is kinda cringe anyways

>>100842 >what about yours? spanish and (((catalan))). lived in the netherlands for a bit but I barely speak any dutch </3 I don't know how old you are, but it gets better I promise. there is a beautiful world out there and, internet or not, you have boundless agency.

I'm so pissed. My friend is dodging me because he got upset over something I said the other day. I dunno why. Actually, I do know. We have I guess what you'd call a "Depression friendship". Like it's two depressed people who are essentially just there to comfort one another. But if one of them starts to climb out of the depression hole, then suddenly the vibes get fuarrrked up. It doesn't matter if you think you're really close friends. Every time, the friend who is climbing out of depression hole will receive no encouragement or praise from the other friend. Instead, he'll get comments like, "Why are you acting like this lately?" What he really means is, "Why are you no longer validating my depression? Why are you acting like a normal person?" And in this case, I just didn't go along with the whole depression routine. It's only when I see some actual improvement in my life that I notice friction between this friend and I.

It truly feels like I've swallowed some bitter black poison and it's eating its way through my body, hollowing out my soul. I accomplished so much today, but to the outside world I'm still a pariah who belongs nowhere in society.

I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately for I guess would be some privileged things. I was at a friend’s place the other day and he showed me what he bought another friend of ours for his birthday. It felt awkward because I had given this friend something for his birthday, but he had not given me anything. Then I thought how no one except my family had given me anything for my birthday, which was just money and a gift card. It was the same for my graduation this year, I didn’t even get anything from my family. I get it because I have a single mom who works 60 hours a week and is supporting my sister through college too. But I still got 15k I need to pay the school (not even loans, just past due tuition, looking at 1.3k/month payment plan) and I just feel down. I guess I just wish people cared about me and supported me through this. All of my friends are rich and well off and I feel like no matter what I’m handed the short end of the stick and no one will even get me a damn birthday present because of it. How do I get over this self pity?

>>100859 Please don't stay in the bucket with the other crabs lainon. You deserve more. >>100860 What all have you accomplished? Not trying to talk down or encourage blackpilling, I'm just trying to start some conversation out of curiousity. >>100868 Well what other areas of your life could you focus on? I'm sure it's a stereotype but working out does help alleviate depression. Lizard brain like lifting big thing to prove big thing can be lifted etc. Otherwise I'd just suggest getting out and finding new friends to help things refresh and engage in something new. If you can't go out pick up a hobby and find someplace to discuss it online to meet new people.

I got exactly what I wished for and it's worse than death

>>100868 you unfortunately have to make people care about you in those ways. I used to and sometimes still do have the same thoughts as you till I realized the people I do the most for and feel the most need to care for are united in just one single thing, they had a meltdown or cried in front of me and I always tried my hardest not to meltdown or cry in front of anyone the idea is terrifying actually. this isnt universal some people get annoyed or pissed off by this behaviour, maybe some people in your family for example and thats why you feel this way. but its a popular one. some people get presents because they get mad, some cause they cry, on the positive side some people just look so happy and are so appreciative it makes people want to see that. some people operate in some very clear tit for tat way where they get the presents because everyone knows if they dont give something they wont get something. this might sound like hell if your schizo or autistic but I actually notice autistic people choose who they show special care for the same way. they just dont often notice or reflect on it cause if you ask them why they like someone they are satisfied with the answer of "I just do" and may even have intense opposition to any external or internal exploration as to why because they dont see why "i just like them" isnt satisfactory and feel it should be. of course the reason its important is what I said above, if you know what causes you to give more care to one person vs another then you can start to formulate why you might not be receiving the special care. its not that these people dont care about you either, or rather they might very much want to care about you. but until they see some kind of big expression that makes you vulnerable and human it can seem too awkward or scary to give. If you know someone kind of hides their expressions and vulnerabilities it creates this fear of never knowing what you thought of their gesture of care or gift or whatever, what if you thought it was stupid and are gonna make fun of them for it. You dont want to actually be reactive in life but once you are past being reactive i feel theres this full circle moment where you kind of need to bring back small to the rare big display of your knee jerk reactions to put people at ease and make them feel they have some control or sense of the situation with you.

turns out I can feel something for other people they just have to be really persistent turns out i do exist in the shared reality with other people i wish this wasn't the case :(

I'm so jealous of everyone. Everyone is great and wonderful and the best. I suck at everything I do. Everyone else lives their lives effortlessly, excelling at something is like brushing teeth to them, for me it's like cutting my arm off with a butterknife. I am a vile, sick lazy piece of soykaf human trashcan my ambition flickers like a lightswitch

>>100853 weird the video got deleted, there was literally nothing sexual about it just 2 boys kissing, NTR'd out mods >>100878 do you enjoy feeling bad? most of the time what you feel is a choice you made. you can take any situation that happens to you and usually you'll get the choice of how you decide to take it. someone plays a prank on you? A) find it funny and laugh B) get upset about it. in option A you end up laughing, in option B you end up seething. Would you rather laugh or seethe? Idk, i think i prefer laughing, feels comfier.

>>100879 nta but you are exceptionally retarded. in that situation the only correct answer is option C) 7.62x54mmR. it's just a prank bro.

I failed a date and realized something about myself. I was texting a girl and things got close. We decided to meet up. And at the end of the day she told me I am just mean, and that I am really unemotional. This brought me into a small depression and made me doubt myself. But I realized she was right. I just don't think there's anything here to help me. This is how I am. My life sucked ass. Complete ass. The only things that makes me still laugh is gay niggas doing funny soykaf online. You might thing this is bad. I agree, but toddler humor really is only thing which makes me laugh. I gave up further in life. Sure, I'll work towards trying to survive. Maybe even do quite good for myself. I don't know. But on some deeper level, I'm tired. I just want to say dumb soykaf and watch stupid videos online. I don't believe in relationships anymore. I don't believe in talking with people either. I wish I could. I tried escaping it, but yeah, that's it. Unless life reveals to me some dimension I wasn't aware of, I can't take things seriously anymore. I just never realized till the last few days how much I've been crushed. I fully admit I've become a retard. Realizing this is in some weird way liberating. I'm essentially a crackhead who doesn't do crack. Does it kinda suck? Sure. But is there anything I could do about it? Probably not. C’est la vie

>>100884 I,m studing a type o infectology mushroons. exist many nocive a humans body. but no/one scientist (maybe) -ichi+ = for exemple Histoplasma capsulatum ( can destroy humans in apocalypitic senarie off adpted off skyn boddyes. or Cryptococcus neoformans destroy every kill every person have hiv iff adpted for skin boddie. now imagine this tipe off virus modificated for adpted a skin human boddie? for it is like a man off picture say. test in monkeys. {iff you inject this (virus-fungi) in human bodie vain, you have a possible colonium, off this virus bot not adpted fur skin. but imagine scenarie off evoluted off this fungi virus fur upgraten and apten ha human skin 1-Many stupids die 2-every person hiv in this word die. for it i have many teorics fur upgraten mushron virus 1 iff you taken adptive in body human colonium off this virus, you have colonium off blood virus adpted fur adpted in skin, is not so hard, just inject and inject in epiderm in monkeys test, you have one off this monkeys colonium in skin, ≈ virus adpted to vain and skin human body. now imagine you taken has colonium vain blood and adpter fur du skin bodies? fur this (blood for skin) = result virus fungi adpted. now i think, many virus fungi is so dangeus exempol virus not fungi but react off this exeme is variula make a style off drop thosen off many sporuns off virus just invisible, now imagine make evolution off virus fungi fur kill hiv members Cryptococcus neoformans 1-adpted in human vain colonium for inject, one off this monkeys revels a new tipe off colonium adpted. after inject many tipes kff this colonium virus off vain in skin human in many monkeys (sorry for say humans but i told about monkeys) after colonium in vain = evoluted virus = inject in skins frish = adpted in circunstance perfect for adpted in moment you see a this pkace in labotatorium is perfrct climated and iluminated and isolated for adpted. after you taken 2 type off evolution virus, skin and blood the virus is reagent off , possible many tipes off skin, meybe you think, ist work in just skin or same blood, but in the moment adpted skin human body, adpted every sistem for system, evoluted gradativament. resolt off conclusion. {iff you adpted using this methods mushrons nocive, fur skin human gets} you have fungi virus.

>>100886 I mean, how many monkeys are you working with? Nice tard filter btw, very cool, thank you mr kkk

>>100887 +( Der Cryptococcus neoformans würde, wenn man seine Resistenzen durch Versuche mit Tieren und durch eine schrittweise Anpassung an sehr geringe Nährstoffmengen und Medikamentendosen entwickeln würde, theoretisch eine zunehmende Resistenz gegen bestimmte Medikamente zeigen. Nach einer vollständigen Resistenzbildung würden weitere Versuche mit neuen Tieren und veränderten Bedingungen durchgeführt werden, wodurch ein besonders angepasstes Cryptococcus neoformans-Stamm entstehen könnte. +) its guten billing die fugi, das hass shoön results

>>100886 This is remarkable schizoposting, but there's nothing special in having an infection that goes hard on HIV infected people. It's basically any infection ever already. And regarding targeting, it's also like that already: many infections are mild or even unnoticeable for regular people but deadly for HIV. Also, HIV is fully manageable now and even treatable. Also, there are some new vacciness against HIV apparently. Also, never expect stuff like HIV be "morally adjusted" with its carrier. It's too easy to get that from medical procedures, etc.

>>100890 >>100891 I think it's yet another bot. He didn't even tell me how many monkeys he's got :(

body too short??? I WISH I were short

I want to buy some acid even though I know the trip will be horrible but I need to feel something else, atleast I need the hope I can't live like this anymore, this anxiety is eating me alive I see a therapist but I don't know if it helps I'm probably gonna buy some vodka even if I almost never drank in my life either I beat this monster inside of me and become myself again or else I give up and just wait to die

>>100997 learn organic chemistry. deadass. the journey there is way better than any acid will ever be. you don't even have to take it at the end. the process is worth it.

>>100884 1) why are you redditspacing 2) why do you care so much about this puny soykaf you care so much you end up hating yourself, just do the funny haha and have fun it's your choice whether you feel good or bad >>100989 you tall boy?

>>100999 >1) why are you redditspacing lol tourist >you tall boy? unfortunately I will always be a heighthon in this country. not that I'd wanna move to the netherlands, I just wanna be short.

>>101002 it's ok to be tall, but i guess if you wanna be a femboy it's gonna be harder. you know what to do now! work out and get shredded, then put those femboys on a drawer.

what to do when you've done horrible thing due to trauma I was SA when I was kid, and as fuarrrk up as it sound I liked it, atleast my body, I tried to relive what happen and it lead to 15yo me watching illegal videos. At the time I didn't know that I was replaying what happened (I didn't remember it), it just felt good. I was also very angry, I wanted people to be scared of me so I shared those videos and other video where I killed some small animals. I know that deep down I hated what I was doing but I couldn't hold this pain in me longer I needed to show the world how I was feeling. But still I did those horrible things and probably the person who abuse me felt the same way as 15yo me, it's hypocritical of me to blame this person and not me.

>>101045 elaborate, im very interested :3

>>101046 Don't know what to elaborate on, I had a sexual relation when I was a kid it destroyed my soul but my brain loved it so I wanted to relive it which lead me to watching CP. At the same time I was very angry because I felt like everyone abandoned me, I hated the fact that people could hurt me so much with so little effort so I wanted to be a monster, I wanted them to be scared of me for once so I acted like a monster. Now I regret what I did, I hurt people like they hurt me. I contribute to what destroyed me, I know hating myself for that won't help but I can't forgave myself for what I did. I see a therapist but I'm scared they will see me different if I say what I did.

>>101047 i dont see a reason to moralize. And more so would have 2nd thoughts about the consequences of verbalizing certain things to a therapist. As thats a black box, with authority. why so >destroyed my soul i never had any relationship, so im curious

>>101048 By destroying my soul I mean it disconnected me from other, it was so weird like I saw another dimension, my brain couldn't understand what it was feeling. And there is the shame, you can't tell this to anyone so you bury it inside of you and this experience became like a memory of a dream. Never sure if it was real or not.

>>101049 ?isolation due to not speaking of the matter and shame of it. how did the sexual encounter emerge i.e. came to be ?

>>101059 Yeah not being able, not having the courage to say to other what happened but mostly not being able to say it to myself. I've always though something was wrong with me as if I'm not from this reality this led me to take LSD at 17 and discover Lain. As for how it happened, I don't really remember the context, I remember a black room and what we were doing but that's all. I don't know if it was a one time thing or if it was recurrent, I think I ask for it again but don't know if it happened a second time. The fact that it was someone very close to me, the person I trusted the more made it even more difficult. How can I be honest with other if the one that I trusted the more destroyed me. Sometime I'm not even sure it happened, I have this feeling of knowing and not knowing at the same time

I had a group of friends who cared about me, and who I thought didn't like me. I left them for some bullshit reason, and now many years later I've been unable to find new irl friends. I've attempted to make some friends but I always think i've left a bad impression (even if they respond, and even go out of their way to talk to me) but I dont continue to talk with them because i doubt myself. I don't even know where to make friends, it feels like no one around here actually wants to make friends, and just wants to make connections, it's soul less. The semester's starting soon, so i'm hoping to join a club and maybe meet some people, and maybe I can actually grow a spark into a friendship for once. There was this person I met somewhat recently who complained a lot about people who can't make friends and they pissed me off, like i'm so happy that you have an emotional intelligence above 3, but i dont so leave me alone. I'm beyond lost in what I want to do with my life, I love cs but that seems like a dying job. everything else seems so boring or maybe i'm just lazy. What I really want is to just live a simple life and just get a basic job where I have time in the evening to watch shows, movies, play games whatever, but doing this would disappoint everyone around me because i'm supposed to be really smart and get a good job or some bullshit like everyone else around me did. Finding reasons to not hate myself and the world is exhausting but i manage and I believe that I can make friends and get out of this hell hole.

>>101065 interesting as you describe it as vague from what i understand. why doubt it? i assume its emotional hedging. so what position in your cosmos of surroundings did the person occupy, specifically.

>>101083 I guess I doubt it because I don't want it to be true but also I want to understand myself that's why I keep thinking about this, it's probably unhealthy af but I feel like I'm just a shadow of myself and remembering will help me be me again. This person occupy the most important place in a child's life, it's my own mother, i guess that's also why I'm not sure it happened I don't want to blame her if she did nothing. I want to ask her if something happened when I was a child but I don't have the courage.

>>101095 i assume you could approximate such by tendencies she would have shown, or which others would have noticed. this removes the burden of asking, if she fits such profile.

>>101096 I don't want to guess if it happened or not, my therapist mentioned EMDR in one of our session, next session I'm gonna ask her if I should start one. PS: anyone got the image of Lain and Mc Ride on a stage, I saw it a couple months ago on pinterest but I can't find it now

I'm kinda firmly in my late 20's now, and am rapidly discovering the answer to a question that I'd always wondered about as a kid, which is: "Why are adults like -that-?" Why are adults always so zoned out, unplugged, detached from the world a little? Why are they not excited about life? Why don't they spring out of bed each morning? Why don't they run up the stairs? And the answer is they stopped dreaming. Because all of the stuff that looked easy to us as kids (like becoming a successful musician) turns out to be nearly impossible. So basically all adults give up on this kinda stuff by the time they hit 30. So if you hit age 30 and your mind is still in the place of, "I can definitely become a pro musician" or "I'm gonna make it big with streaming this year", then you're a statistical outlier. It really takes a level of craziness to maintain that mentality. I dunno how to even put it into words. It's like from ages 27-30 you have this invisible hand on your shoulder going, "It's okay. You did your best. Time to cool it down now. Start dating again. Get a job at the post office." It's like the whole world is trying to extinguish that flame that burns in you. And for 99% of people, that's exactly what happens. But then there's like a rare 1% of people who feel that presence, and they're like, "You want ME to cool down?" and they just get even more energetic, more lively, more passionate. Hopefully I can be that 1%

>>101134 >Because all of the stuff that looked easy to us as kids (like becoming a successful musician) turns out to be nearly impossible. This is because the difficulty of highly competitive dreams spikes exponentially if you wait 20 years. "Making it" as a professional musician, an entertainer, an athlete, a scientist (with a real position), really anything hard, is far more plausible when you're young because you have the next 10-15 years to do nothing but snowball growth and go fishing for lucky breaks, and you're embedded in a giant support network of caregivers and teachers and similarly motivated friends and training programs. As an adult not only have you used up those opportunities, you still have to compete with people who haven't. All the childlike mentality woo in the world won't make up for the fact that you aren't a child any more.

>power word soykaf instantly identifies you as a laintranner to the users of any other website ...oops

>>101151 Well yeah. I totally agree with you that age 18 is the prime age to be for most goals (though it's already too late for some goals, like being an olympic level athlete to be honest). And that it gets slightly harder as you get older. But when I say dreams, I'm not just talking about, "Being the fastest Rubik's cube solver in the world" or being pro at esports. I'm thinking stuff like, "Tried to get big on TikTok" or "Walked the Appalachian trail", or any number of things that a 40 year old could easily do. Older people lose that ambitious, adventurous, youthful spirit so they don't even try. I really don't think it's that much harder for an old person to, say, succeed on TikTok or whatever. What gives young people a competitive advantage is they tend to be delusional. Like think how delusional it sounds to think you could actually become a professional musician or a top streamer. In nearly all the top streamers' origin stories, you can see their parents believed it was an extremely stupid idea. Young people just have this really bizarre unearned confidence, but that's ultimately why they succeed, not because they're young in itself.

>>101196 It's great I have plenty of goals completed.

>>101182 Lain, ehm, how do I out it lightly... There are like few dozen people on the whole planet who are aware of existence of this website, and maybe 1/4 of them post anything here.

>>101203 There are definitely more people than that who know about lainchan, the altchan sphere isn't that small. https://github.com/lainchan/lainchan has 600 stars (that's at least 600 people logged into github who visited the repo, so already more than a few dozen) And sorry to break it to you, but laintrannies don't have a good reputation.

>>101207 Oh my god, someone commited into this piece of trash just a week ago and it's still full of absolute nonsense like posting cooldown, replacing words with other words, incredibly retarded filters, etc. I only assumed it was possible because no one maintained this board for many years. fuarrrk.

A week ago, I told my friend, "You don't have to worry so much when we argue. I'm not gonna block you and unfriend you or anything, that would just be immature". A week later I blocked and unfriended him. It's weird man. My father is bipolar and all, so I guess there's a precedent. I don't get "manic" or whatever. But my views on the world change radically about 2x a week. Like every 3-4 days, I have to completely switch up where my head/mind is at or I get super bored & depressed. And this shows up really well in my art. I hit a depressive phase of 1-2 days, bounce back, and afterwards my art looks different. I use different techniques, new inspirations every time. And after 3-4 days, I literally can't care anymore, I just move onto a new style. And looking back at my old work I really don't care at all. I honestly think I'm gonna be famous (so not posting my art here for obv reasons). It's just so weird how my brain works

How do I love someone and still let them go?

>>101215 Yeah, that is like kicking dead whales down the beach. It goes into particularly insane territory when you add alco to that. My current big struggle with something similar is how rapidly I burn out of anything when I do it in super focused way. For example if I sit on something that requires subjective judgement for a few days and work super hard on it, it's almost guaranteed that I completely burn out of it to extent that I can't judge it at all and it just feels very weak and underwhelming to me. I kinda need to move fast with those things and organize workflows in a way that allows to shift fast with projects that hold on feels and subjective judgement.

literally just cannot study. even now that technically my life depends on it. national exam in less than a week, I barely know even 10% of the material and I just fuarrrking canNOT get myself to go study the rest no matter what. I thought it was depression, but it's not like I can't do anything at all, actually I'm doing a lot of things aside from this. productive things even, learning, creating and such. but I just can't bring myself to do this one thing. it's been like this and gradually getting worse and worse for 2-3 years, I don't know what to do. used to be someone who read textbooks, school related or not, just for the fun of it as if they were story books, but gradually I somehow grew this intense aversion to studying anything related to class/school at all no matter what. so much that it's stopping me from doing anything else because I feel guilty knowing I should be studying, so I guilt trip myself into not doing things I actually enjoy or benefit from. but it's so bad that even then, I just start doom scrolling or some soykaf instead. so damn stuck hahaaa

>>101240 Think about how much the aftermath will be if you DON'T. More of the same or downhill. May motivate you a bit. It'd also be a shame to lose what you've put in thus far, don't let all that work be for nothing. I totally get academic burnout though, I'm utterly glad to be out of school and academic insider trading. I still like to read papers for fun though. I learn better when I don't have authority figures breathing down my neck.

>>101267 thanks for replying. idk what I'll do. it'll probably be fine I guess? not sure what I'd even do if I pushed myself to get through this exam and passed. I'd probably just drop out after. anyways, thank you for taking the time to reply

>>101277 > hope i can find a good ISP that lets me use dynamic IPs That's called mobile internet. Enjoy.

>>101277 Just use a vpn???? >i really don't want to go back to the transparent CIA anonymizing network protocol proxy Oh you're retarded, I'm sorry

>>99160 I wish my mom would divorce my piece of soykaf father already. She's with him only for the money, in particular because "we" are poor as soykaf, despite their decision to have three (3!) children and send them all to provate school (otherwise we would be influenced by public school plebs! the horror!). 0 would have been enough. She is literally killing herself working because of this reason. I think the last time I spoke with him about my personal projects was in 2021 (shot down again - "why is this useful?"). Never again. I don't think I've ever had a fulfilling interaction with him. He interrupts people all the fuarrrking time and has no respect for others. The financial situation lets him basically have unilateral control over everything in the house. And that's why everything is soykaf. I can't remember when we still had a working microwave timer. I typically have a desire to make things better for everyone, but I have lost any desire to do it in this household. I was the one to buy trash cans after ??? years of dumping rubbish on the kitchen floor in supermarket bags. I don't think either of them have tried to understand what is important to me in this life since I stopped playing with Legos. I don't care that I will spend more of my time in front of a screen than talking to them.

>>101277 Yeah that's a reasonable fear. Personally, I've dealt with the decline of imageboard culture by unmaking the self that I became all those years ago when I originally latched onto imageboard culture. And if you asked me, "What drew you towards imageboard culture?" I'd say, "counter-culture". Because imageboards are counter-culture, just like goths or old EDM or hippies, etc. They're all filled with people who see how hypocritical and wrong mainstream society is about XYZ things, so they get the collective idea to form their own pockets within society where they can decide their own values and tell the mainstream to stuff it. The problem is that "counter-culture" is a doomed premise. Now it's very honorable to see all the ways in which society is hypocritical and think, "We could do better!", but in practice the world doesn't work this way. Counter-culture movements simply last a few years, have close to 0 impact on society, and then die. So if you latch onto counter-culture not because you're bored and lonely, but because you really mean it -- because you view these places as an expression of your values -- then you must understand that you're being foolish by aligning yourself with them, no? In other words, you're saying, "I agree to make myself feel like I'm not violating my values, in exchange for the possibility of my values having literally any effect on the external world at all." When you put it that way, it's a rough trade, no? (1/2)

So practically speaking, an intelligent person will abandon counter-culture and embrace normality -- if they care about their values. Because only through operating within the framework of society which already exists can anything ever be done. Example: My parents were really big into counter-culture in the 80's and 90's, back when it was about music. But what's funny is that these people all believed that it was something more than music. Like they were paving the way for some kinda "alternative lifestyle". But that never happened. I just wish I could grab all these "alternative" people by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. Like, you don't wanna be mainstream? Fine. Just don't have any illusions about what all this means. It's a daycare for maladjusted people. It makes them feel good, make them feel like they're acting on their values, but in actuality it's nerfing their effectiveness down to 0. These movements serve not as vectors for real action, but really only as measures to stave off the guilt, of people who know that society is doing wrong. By no longer associating themselves with society, they shed that guilt, but they never fix the problem. (2/2)

>>101283 Perhaps it might be worth communicating over text over said personal projects and QoL purchases? Can't interrupt you over text. You may have good reasons for not doing this, but why not if you feel safe doing so?

Anyone else not really religious, but they had enough spiritual experiences as a kid to know that that stuff isn't as bs as people say it is?

>>101311 Not sure what you think that would accomplish. Excepting photos and administrative posts, family chat is filled with equal parts (all sent by him): - short form video slop/facebook links. not clicking on those obviously - copy paste blog posts (not sure why not just link the blog directly) (maybe some of these he wrote himself, I stopped reading those years ago when I blocked his number) In any case I don't know what you think it would accomplish to communicate with him (I stopped talking to him for maybe 2 years). When I move out (it will happen soon) I guess I will just meet my mom in a neutral space (like cafe) and talk about banal soykaf like the weather.

why am I watching youtube lolcows flinging soykaf at each other what is wrong with me

>>101240 >>101269 i answered to someone else already in >>101355 but tl;dr: your brain resists studying because you consciously or not perceive it as boring and difficult, even if you believe that your life depends on it. your brain cares about immediate survival. do NOT scare yourself about what will happen if you don't study and start panicking, please. you have to teach yourself how to WANT to study. find something in the textbooks your brain already values, and maybe also make little goals, and pretend like you're almost teaching what you're learning to an imaginary audience so your brain will almost think that what you're doing somewhat matters. above all, please don't think that "not having downtime" is going to help, it's inevitably going to backfire and you'll waste even more time. i did think the same thing and ended up spending hours on twitter everyday which thankfully i'd quit. if your head says you want to look up for something, write it down and wait till the day ends.

>>101356 thanks lain, this was the most helpful advice I've heard by far. the problem is probably that actually making yourself want to study or be interested in the material is damn hard. if only exams were as exciting as actually doing worthwhile work

>>101283 I'm fuarrrking dying lmao turns out a few months ago he sent an LLM generated analysis of my employer to the family via email. KEK

>>101290 >>101291 I very much agree with your idea on counter-culture and have held this for years. But to conclude that the only alternative is to "be mainstream" is weird. You can be merely an individual. You don't have to hate the culture or the counter-culture, or name your set of beliefs, or anything. Stand alone. >Because only through operating within the framework of society which already exists can anything ever be done. Getting what done, exactly?

>>101378 >Getting what done, exactly? Making the world a better place. Maybe I always misunderstood why most people join counter-culture movements. When I joined my first counter-culture movement (using old 4chan), I thought we all agreed that mainstream society was all bullshit and hypocrisy, and so we retreated into places like 4chan because they better represented what our actual values were. And in the short term it was like, "We're just having fun" or maybe "My real life is like kicking dead whales down the beach so this is escapism". But long-term I always thought, "This is just the beginning." Like over time I thought everyone would get more and more into Japanese culture, people would grow up, branch out into new hobbies like construction or tea ceremonies, they would found new communities IRL that promote these values. But none of that happened. I was waiting for people to start doing it so I could join it. But it just... never took place. So that's like going up to a 1960's hippie and asking, "Huh, you wanna found an ecological commune? Why?" The better question is, "Why not?" Like, if you actually believe in all that stuff about anti-war and pro-environment and "society is bullshit" then the only sensible response is to buy some land in Vermont or California and build an eco-friendly commune. Otherwise you don't -really- care, do you? They're not actually your values. Having values means acting on them even when it's inconvenient. It seems that 90% of counter-culture "participants" are fair-weather friends, and that's also the impression that you give off. (1/2)

>>101378 >>101398 My friend and I used to joke about Varg Vikernes and Dead from the Norwegian black metal scene, like these 2 guys who took the scene WAY more seriously than everyone else. Because when your typical dude put on the corpse paint it was like, "Oh wow so shocking!", but when Dead put on the corpse paint you know he really meant it. But as I grow older I realize, well of fuarrrking course he meant it, the real puzzle is why the other guys DIDN'T mean it! And the answer is the truth just didn't penetrate them hard enough. Or like when Kurt Cobain stage-dived, he REALLY stage-dived. Because while most rockstars "don't care", kurt REALLY didn't care. If you intellectually realize that you live in a fuarrrked up world, but in reality you wake up in the morning and your bread is still sweet, the truth hasn't hit you hard enough. You should never be able to live a happy and fulfilled life while you're compliant with a broken society. You shouldn't really be happy after the age of 14, because by that point you understand how bad the world is, how much needs to be fixed, and if you're happy you won't care enough to make a change. It's because of all these happy and complacent people that there continues to be pedophiles, rapists, evil businessmen, murderers, et. al. If we all lost the ability to smile until we had these problems solved, then we would get them solved. I think all the Varg Vikernes and Kurt Cobains and Greta Thunbergs of the world have way more common with one another, than they do with the other black metal musicians, the other grungers, the other activists. Some people just can't go on living while the world is bad. (2/2)

>>101400 I was reading the war diaries from Georges Bataille and comparing them in my mind to Ernst Jünger's experience of war in Storm of Steel. Bataille claimed to acknowledge war and violence as a part of human desire, but in his actual experience of it he had no stomach for it and was repulsed by even the actions of the partisans rounding up collaborators after France was liberated. It is clear to me who had the deeper "truth".

>neurosuggesting barna is a real place I hate the antichrist

>Be 26 >6/10 french khv >Been suffering from psychosis for the last 2 years: symptoms are voices in my head and panic attacks >Both parents are pedo so my only sexual experience is incest rape when I was a kid >Got a job and will soon move in a solo appartment hopefully, I'm couchsurfing and helping with rent at the moment Here's my problem, I want to get laid but if I try to have sex I'll either have a PTSD flashback and puke everywhere or I'll cum in 3 seconds cause I'm a virgin. If a woman flirts with me I have no choice but to say I have intimacy problems but I guess she'l assume I can't get it up which is not the case. I'm tired of being alone and I'm desperate I'll take anyone who wants me at this point, is there anywhere I can find women desperate enough to be fine with my PTSD ? Or am I just fuarrrked ? How should I react if a woman shows interest in me ? I'm a decent artist with beautiful blue eyes besides that I have nothing going for me.

im so sad no one can support my incest fetish. My sister has turned 27 this year and hence is no longer much attractive. so i can not satisfy it in any way (was not able to do so before). If i adopted a child i would have to convince myself it is genetically related to me, which is a lie and against my moral standing. hence i feel like im out of options.

>>101466 bait or severe grass deficiency? lmk your thoughts lain

Sometimes I just really wanna go back man. Back to the start, do it all over again, because there were a few moments in there that were really great. But it feels like the light is fading more and more, I'm staying alive just in case, I wouldn't want to miss out. So I'm dragging myself along, but man, if I could go back, and it could just loop around and around then the misery was worth it. It was worth it and I'd do it all over again.

>>101466 >>101474 actually I changed my mind after reading your post, I sincerely hope we only live this life once.

finally woke up from that fevered dream. I have a clear mind again for the first time in months. But sometimes, just for a few seconds at a time, I miss it. For just a few moments every day I want to throw myself into a new relationship just to feel something like that again

Its the smell i miss of my sister. I thought of drugging her years ago when she was still young but never had the masculinity to do it. I regret so mych

>>101513 The only solution is the spirit leaving the material. But even at ths i failed when drying my prolapse with a fan. I could have gone through with it, if my mom didn convince me to turn off the fan.

>>101512 as a man i appreciate this mentality because i need to nut once a week and i vowed to never touch my dick ever again but as a human being i can only warn you to stop, when something like what you felt comes again youll feel it in your gut. its instinctive, immediate magnetism and all the casual sex and attention you get will only turn you away from it

>>101527 dont nut. you will loose your masculine aura to the screen demons.

>>101117 I just ask my mother if anything happened, she said no and I don't think she was lying. But hit leaves me with even more question, why am I so sure something happened. And if nothing happened then how can I be sure of anything. I'm looking for a reason of why I am like this, I'm starting to come to the realization that there is no cause and it destroys me, I wanted something to blame but the only person to blame is me. I did horrible thing because I'm an horrible person, there is no big scary wolf that pushed me to do those thing. Lain I want to disappear, to remove the memories of me from everyone. I followed the white rabbit and it led me to nothing

The complete dissolution and rebuilding of my viewpoints makes me feel at odds with society. The personal history of my thought, I'd liken to a pendulum come to rest. When I was a teenager I swung hard between different ideas, from a liberal member of the LGBTQ community, to a hardcore alt-right idealist, my beliefs were unrecognizable from one season to the next. Eventually the dipolarity was so obvious to me, I realized all my beliefs were irrationally founded and temporal. My project began to demolish all old opinion and to henceforth proceed, as rationally as I can, in understanding the world and forming my own belief. I considered tradition and decided it has no inherent goodness; and I considered 'naturalness' and thought the word is a relativized weapon of unnatural urbanites to post-hoc justify their beliefs. I tend towards a tolerance and equitable view of man, and it may paint me as a 'left' person, except that I have an exclusive interest in European history and thought, am opposed to what people call 'liberal' causes (mostly junk pushed by the media), and in the more extreme, I totally reject the concept of identity itself and find much 'self expression' to be pointless and wasteful. Being unable to fit neatly in one camp or another is fine with me, it's other things that bother me. I feel there is a real swing towards alt-right ideas happening over the past year, insignificant now but forecasting something darker. Generally, the world looks more and more like a wasteland of thought. I don't want anyone to be better at computers or maths or science or art or any of that stuff. However, rational thought about the elements of our daily lives and that of others is within the power of anyone. Who does not have experience living, or with other people? I refuse to believe people are incapable. Worse actually, I believe people choose every instant of their lives to be irrational, and I don't know a way to encourage a change externally. Real change in any person, I've always seen it have an internal source. You can't 'Trojan horse' the true attitude of rationality into others, for the very word has been appropiated to mean dogma. Something feels harrowing about the fact that, as I feel I've made a true step beyond my juvenline ideas, I see others step back to where I was once. I truly fear a new cultural climate where people animate the rotting corpse of 'tradition' when they don't even care about tradition at all, it's just the way they justify something else. And I don't even want to call it hate, because I don't feel it could be. Many of these people I have known with ideas like this, I can feel they really hate these types of people, definitely not in the way a person of the past could have when 'tradition' was in fact their current condition. My old queer friends would hate me, and my friends before them would not appreciate my being a user sympathizer. I have been alone for a while, and the loneliness is feeling heavier. For all my effort, I can easily hit it off with lots of people now, I've gotten over being bad at talking, but so far if I get 'heavy' in discussion to see if anyone responds to it, the walls go up. It is difficult to remain level-headed about the nature of interpersonal relationships. Our younger generation is just too screwed up.

>>101578 CORRECTIONS >Many of these people I have known with ideas like this, I can feel they really hate these types of people Many of these people I have known with ideas like this, I can feel they don't really hate these types of people >user sympathizer homosexual sympathizer

I learned that one of my new street friends who's near enough a vegan and calls people evil thinks acid attacks are okay. They're not even muslim. >>101578 I would encourage you to begin selectively acting irrationalally, just to see what happens. Make a game of it; once a day, 3 times a week, irrational Thursday, whatever. Don't ask yourself why, don't make any predictions. Just exercise that part of your humanity and see what happens. We have the first caveman to thank for fire, who fuarrrked around and found out.

>>101584 >I would encourage you to begin selectively acting irrationalally, just to see what happens. Make a game of it; once a day, 3 times a week, irrational Thursday, whatever. Don't ask yourself why, don't make any predictions. Just exercise that part of your humanity and see what happens. We have the first caveman to thank for fire, who fuarrrked around and found out. Why?

Hi this isn't really a vent, more of a question? Or both? I don't know how to articulate my feelings well but I wanted to post somewhere that wasn't my journal Why do people keep people around that they aren't actually into, or attracted to, or fit the person that they're looking for? Have you done this? Why do you do it? I keep having experiences with people who string me along in a romantic/codependent way while having someone they're in love with more, or me not being their ideal type of person. Today, I was told by my 'friend' that I was just another evil female, that the only girl to prove that women were good he was wrong about, and that he was seeing me as a 'good one' in some delusional light. He talks about this girl very often, and is constantly seeking her out in other women (which is an issue in itself..) But I mean, if you think I'm the same as everyone else, why bother with me? I always try to listen and hear him out, but his words are starting to get more and more painful, and I've had too many similar experiences like this with both men and women. These days I've been fantasizing about being completely alone. It sounds alot better to me than dealing with broken people who are looking in my direction, but are searching for someone else, take advantage of whatever kindness or comfort I might provide them, and ultimately exit my life for one reason or another. I also don't mind my own company.

>>101459 bump, need advice im in despair

>>101459 >>101608 just build confidence and approach them (which builds confidence). see some sex workers for practice maybe, and grind through a large volume of matches on tinder. your goal should not be to find a relationship at this stage, it should be to shovel the coal of experience into the furnace of your self production. 5-10 yrs of this and you will be prepared for a relationship. don't get addicted to anything. the flashbacks will fade with time. t. knower

>>101609 >5-10 years of this and you will be ready for a relationship What that's ridiculous. You're ready for a relationship when you feel ready. That can happen on day 1 of meeting the right person. >If a woman flirts with me I have no choice but to say I have intimacy problems but I guess she'l assume I can't get it up which is not the case. You don't have to lead with that. A *lot* of women have been raped before, so they might be more able to sympathize with you and treat you lightly. A lot of women like a guy they can "fix" in that way. Don't worry about telling people you're a virgin people who are turned off by that are pieces of soykaf you don't want in your life.

>>101610 im confident that for this specific person in active psychosis a minimum of ~5 years self-dev is a good rule of thumb.

>>101585 >Why? To see what happens. I dare you. Getting specifically with 'not knowing' is the point. You've lost (perhaps never gained) a sense of self. Your perceptive framework has lead you to a dead end. It's time to throw down your old tools and developed new ones. Don't worry; rationality will be right where you left it to rebolster your capability when you need it, but that's clearly not right now. Take some time off, have some fun. See what you can create from nonsense. Or continue complaining on the internet. Your choice, I'm just an idea in your head.

>>101606 > These days I've been fantasizing about being completely alone. yeah pretty much it works. at this point I'm completely happy to practice my hobbies completely alone and behave (at least in my personal life lmao - can't let the coworkers know my power level) completely as an independent agent. of course my friends are really cool and I've got a lot to learn from them

I am wicked -- a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and save us. Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, both now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

>>101621 It just happens that every time I think I'm finally happy being alone, someone or something happens and shakes me up again. Maybe I need to do some work on myself, I just need to figure out the right things to ask.

>>101645 I got an F over Dostoevsky so screw him

>>101646 then you were never truly happy to be alone to begin with

>>101398 >>101398 We are out there IRL. An anon friend & I ARE those weebs who do construction AND small tea parties. We nerd out over Musashi and Kurosawa films. We're not a crazy commune (yet) but we do host house shows, if you are in the NE US, check @ u f o r e c o r d s on for any upcoming ones (I know, instagram is lame, but gotta meet people where they're at). Go outside places and dogwhistle memes. Older anons have woven themselves into the fabric of everyday life. We are at shows, cafes, nerd events, and meetups. We are still out there, we are everywhere, and we are still legion.

>>101617 I know what happens already though. Irrational is dull. We admire people when they go beyond normal capability in some dimension, physical, spiritual, mental. Athletes and strongmen, monks and gurus, the old scientists and philosophers. It makes sense, because we do not really like our 'human' aspects. And what's the point of deciding to limit yourself to be the archetypal human? >You've lost (perhaps never gained) a sense of self. Don't give me this smug, pseudo-psy***analytical stuff. You don't know what you're talking about, you gave me this bad advice that I didn't ask for and were totally off the mark.

i hate the flesh i'm not enjoying this material reality i don't get the idea that i'm supposed to want shiny expensive bullshit or big houses or whatever and work 40 hours for it but if that was all... i don't like the body, the flesh, all that, physicality, life has been painful and i hate pain, i hate suffering. i would rather die than suffer. am i assburgers? i don't enjoy it, i don't like gravity, eating, fuarrrking, it fuarrrking stinks. it's ugly. some people are matrixed up so far they like climb mount everest or something. or walk from UK to china. some grow swole at the gym or run marathons, and i'm like what? you just like pain or something? it still seems to me that most of our efforts in the material world revolve around our drive to escape it does it make sense? i know few lainons ever reply to what i post

>>101706 They're drug or sodomy addicts. They idolize the pain that promises a pretend reward because it reminds them of their past drug trips. They cherish their mutilation because doing so gives them a drug flashback. Seriously most on earth are really sick people, that's why so much messed up stuff is openly tolerated and celebrated here - it's not that different from what the "ordinary" engage with.

I'm a healthy 25 year old guy who regularly exercises and I despise my sex drive. It takes away from my life and is a distraction which alienates me from prayer, decency, higher aspirations. Porn has definitely rotted my brain and I am able to stop it but in absence of porn as an outlet I seek out woman in degenerate ways. Ill either be looking for hookups that I don't actually want (I have abstained for 2 months twice this year, from masturbating and fell into the trap a couple of times and genuinely contemplated suicide) or be constantly distracted by it. I don't even like sex it feels disgusting but is something I am compelled to need biologically. I don't have the opportunity really to meet girls for marriage so can't rush that aspect so stuck between porn or degenerate sex seeking which I won't even do most of the time. Idk what to do

>>101716 i haven't ejaculated in more than a month i picture a disgusting dryness inside my balls, like i visualize them shriveling up it repulsed me. i can jerk off but not cum. you're pretty good if you go months without it, a lot of people are too weak to last a week. so instead of feeling like kys you should feel proud of your achievement. you're hard on yourself! maybe it shows that you have expectations and standards for yourself which i guess is good but it can also be really tough on you. and you talk like you have higher aspirations and values. that shows inner worth, even though you're struggling. you say porn has rotted your brain yet you still strive for something greater. it seems to me that while you may be afflicted your inner core is doing okay. i mean there are people out there that are full-on degenerates and perverts and revel in it. it doesn't look like you're the same thing. since you see it as a problem you come across as different, even though maybe your self-hatred for struggling on your goals, and what you want to be, is telling you otherwise. i guess you should recognize that as a person possessing a human body you are just influenced by its natural biology which is normal. so you should accept that for now. that's just how the body works. most animals are like this. you have self-control though, and consciousness etc. so is suppose in some way you are above that. i don't know you but it also sounds like you have particular beliefs, possibly religious. i don't think it's a good thing if they're leading you to suffer from conditions you observe in yourself that are just plain natural and expected from a human being. are you just inflicting all this on yourself? for what? maybe consider accepting sex, i'm talking vanilla, boring, lovely, romantic. you're rejecting a part of yourself and it just blows right back in your face. if you just repress all your urges they're gonna bottle up and eventually boil over, and you end up doing the things you do. i don't really think sex or masturbation will necessarily keep you away from the right path, or the path of the divine, the angelic or the light or whatever you wanna call it. i think it's much worse if the dynamic you have is repression that boils over to turn into degeneracy. it seems to me that degeneracy is much more potent at preventing enlightenment! so give yourself smaller goals, or rather, fights you can actually take. sexual energy is known in occult circles to be pretty damn powerful, even dangerous sometimes. you're filling yourself up like a ballon, you're only gonna blow up! maybe channel all that strong energy into loving, admirable and romantic mental sexual dynamics. masturbation might also help keeping you level-headed. it's like... a firefighter's controlled burn! try therapy and also, it's not because some people say a book written millennia ago is the word of god that it actually is.

>>101716 first step is meditation. second is realizing eros is a torrent that will rush somewhere violently whether you want to or not. what you can do is guide it. towards the moment, a higher engagement with the self, a higher purpose and more genuine relationships. you redirect your lust from hookups to the work. but never reject what comes your way as a result.

The love of my life left me with a 20-minute phone call after a three-year relationship. They were some of the three most beautiful years of my life, and now all I see is a huge void before me. I know these are the stages of grief, but I keep swinging between depressive episodes and anger, and none of the emotions going through my head have a trace of positivity. I wish I could talk to her again to tell her how much she disappointed me and how selfish she was to leave me. It's true that, thinking about it rationally, and especially having reached this point, my partner wasn't the most stable person in the world, nor even the most mature in certain situations. She had conflicts with her friends, constant family problems, and—although she's never admitted it—a slight flirtation with drugs that will eventually -probably- become an addiction. I know it's going to end very badly, and the relationship we had served partly as a vital and emotional safety net for her, something she could fall back on, and partly as a way for me to absorb the blows of her comings and goings. I truly feel like I'm living in the aftermath of a nuclear catastrophe or something like that; so much of the world around me ceases to make sense when I'm no longer with the person I love. All of reality has been colored by her, and psychologically, part of my understanding of the world had been molded to a shared, intimate, common life. It hurts even more because the relationship was long-distance—about 150 miles—and I had gone to see her just a few days before the breakup. I was usually the one who put in the effort, time, and money to go to her ivory tower and worship her, and as time goes by and I accept that she won't be in my life again, I'm realizing that maybe she didn't love me as much as she claimed. Maybe she was with me partly out of self-interest, monotony, or pity, but even so, every second is more painful than the last, the loneliness becomes more acute, and the emotional collapse more pronounced. I know that deep down she's a completely unstable person who shouldn't be in any relationship, and maybe by breaking up with me she's doing my future self a favor, but the fact is, I love her, and I don't know how to live without her. Even worse, nothing saddens me more than the thought of having to get used to not having her by my side. It hurts too much.

I've had fuarrrking ringing in my ears for over 2 weeks and I'm terrified it's going to be permanent. I have not left my house in years and I will have to go to a doctor tomorrow and I am terrified. I feel like it won't even be worth it because I feel like there is a potential for them to make it far worse than it already is. I thought I wanted something to push me to the brink and convince me to kill myself but I don't, I didn't realize how good I had it. Trying to go to sleep is HELL. I feel like I don't even have dreams anymore ever since this started. The only thing keeping me alive is my friend who pushed me to take initiative to go to a doctor in the first place, but I'm scared it won't amount to anything. If things don't get better I think I'm going to lay my head on some traintracks. Someone please tell the glowniggers to stop blasting my brain 24/7.

>>101803 might be an ear infection, surgery can fix it. that or meds or maybe it's just liquid or humidity or something inside your ear system. at any rate the doctor will tell, permanent hearing loss doesn't just magically appear like that for no reason. also if you're young and the ringing is high-pitched it will eventually go away as you age since aging makes you hear very high pitch sounds way less. are you just scared of doctors lainon? what else are you gonna do, just sit and take it? by that logic should we sit out going to the doctor and all think about killing ourselves when we suffer from medical problems? doesn't sound very effective! if anything it's there that real damage will start to occur. you're not a fuarrrking doctor yourself lainon why do you think you know better than them? just go you fuarrrking retard. i predict your doc will just prescribe a weak anti-inflammatory agent probably some sort of -cillin (unless you're allergic) and you'll be stuck taking that every day for a while and you'll basically be an observation case. it will probably slowly go away. just make sure you don't stop halfway through or you'll breed superbugs okay?

>>101803 I had an awful skin rash last year. I didn't go to a doctor cause I thought it was a hypersensitivity reaction to a new drug I happened to start at the same time, and I didn't want anyone to find out. turns out it was a scabies skin infection, and a bad one. prolonging it made the symptoms way worse, and treatment harder. the whole ordeal lasted about 6 months of "this is not a nightmare because I'm awake". don't be a retard. go to the doctor.

and here's a vent: lainchan's too fuarrrking SLOW. expect a reply in 4 business days.

>>101808 >>101823 i'm a dramatic dumbass and it turned out to be an ear infection as you predicted, the doctor didn't end up doing anything drastic and if anything was quite brisk about the whole thing and sent me off with a prescription of antibiotics. i am still a bit scared of making things worse but it's probably my own obsessive tendencies and not any actual risk

Lately I've been daydreaming about harming small animals. In a way it feels like an urge. These thoughts are extremely vivid too. I don't particularly feel guilty or like a bad person for having them, I'm just concerned I think

>>101832 yeah in hindsight i said surgery but that was a bit extreme. i guess i extrapolated from your terror-induced state that it must have been serious. i guess it wasn't you know what to do next time you have an issue: just a cheeky doctor visit >>101838 stick to dogs

>>101838 animals don't deserve any hate frend people... there's plenty of people that deserve to get stuck

>>101854 I don't hate animals, I like them alot. I have the similar thoughts about people, I always have. >>101850 Why? Do you dislike them?

So I worked really hard to sell my car over the past month. And once I finally did I thought, hey this is awesome! My hard work paid off! I should get a cool little gaming handheld to celebrate!! So I take my cash and I get a $300 gift card from the dollar store, and the money apparently goes to the card just fine. But there's a problem. This card can't actually buy anything online. No matter what site you take it to, it will get rejected as a payment option, because it has such a strong association with scammers that literally all stores are just not accepting them anymore -- including Walmart, Amazon, Paypal, Google Play, you name it. You would think it is illegal to sell a card that's rejected by all vendors... but apparently not? I dunno man. I'm tired. I work hard at my job, I'm sincere, I try to learn every day, I put effort into life. So why does society keep trying to screw me over...? I know as adults we're just supposed to tolerate this stuff, to keep a stiff upper lip and deal with it, but.... I'm so tired. I don't want to tolerate it anymore. I just want to have a fun and meaningful life. It's not fair

>>101856 Perhaps you have some form of OCD ; It's more than just keeping clean. I used to have very similar thoughts to you, thinking about torturing small animals, harming others or myself. Although long lasting, how severe the thoughts are also have a lot to do with how stable you are mentally. Take care of yourself, if you don't want to cross that line. Most I did was kill one.

>>101934 this society is created by the devil and his worshippers. it's supposed to only favour rotten and corrupt behaviour.