(untitled)

how does one build a something out of acquaintance-ship, ever since i have been trying to crawl out of my loneliness and create a network of people to whom i can interact and talk with, i have constantly felt and or am the "oh i know that guy!" kind of person. For example, i have been seeing this thai lady for a bit and she seems very friendly and lovely to be around and i want to hopefully build a friendship out of it but feel like I am stuck. Another example is when i joined a local group of young musicians playing, it felt like i was out of place despite my desire to be "part of them" >inb4 it takes a bit for one to build a friendship i understand and already know that it takes time and patience to blossom something out of it basically, how does one build a friendship out of aquinaintance-ship without forcing it or being a "weirdo"? are there any techniques, advice or any form of knowledge one can have to stimulate the proccess even better and or faster?

>>97374 Pure luck man. In my case, I've been mostly unlucky. Not worth spending time on other people. They just bring you down.

I don't think time is the question, so much as finding the right people. Some people you'll meet and they're you're friend in five minutes. Some people it will never happen. My thought is to just talk about things you're interested in and really care about. Avoid people who don't seem interested or can't make good conversation on those topics. If you find someone who is interested, talk to them as long as possible without dragging it out. Make sure you know how to meet these people again and stay in contact. Once you have a list of people who are good, try to organize activities with such people either as a group or 1:1 and talk to them more, or figure out collaborative projects and pursue them earnestly. If you're too much of a flake or can't collaborate don't do this, but it sounds like you're interested in music which seems pretty collaborative to me. Be interesting and knowledgeable about your interests so you have stuff to talk about and can merit respect from people who share these interests. Doing good work and having it visible is a way of drawing people interested in that work to you, so do good work and make it visible, and keep your eyes out for other's work in your vicinity.

>>97374 >basically, how does one build a friendship out of aquinaintance-ship without forcing it or being a "weirdo"? are there any techniques, advice or any form of knowledge one can have to stimulate the proccess even better and or faster? i think the technique question is kind of a trap because it implies the problem is behavioral, that something will happen eventually if you just showed up consistently enough. i think that's true for surface-level friendships (or closer acquaintance-ships?). but for the kind of frenships where someone actually knows you... they're probably not buildable through technique at all. in my experience it can just "happen" out of nowhere and when you're not optimizing for it (yeah i know, it's weird... maybe it's related to whether another person can allow opening up just little enough. i dunno). it tends to happen with pretty specific kinds of people and it doesn't have to be just with whoever's geographically available. i've had a weird range of online people and irl ones likewise, like trauma bonders who only surface when they're drowning and disappear when they're okay, and acquaintances who are really nice but there's a ceiling we know (and sometimes, they'd deliberately just not engage enough even when i try to), and judgmental types who make you feel like you're being evaluated, or people who sit in an awkward middle zone (they keep it just surface enough that real vulnerability never becomes apparent), and then veeery rarely, someone where it just clicks for no explainable reason and you realize you've been talking for hours lol. >Another example is when i joined a local group of young musicians playing, it felt like i was out of place despite my desire to be "part of them" i dunno... i think it's fine to hang around those people just without making the expectation that you'll be too close from them; i don't think it's related to social skills necessarily. maybe just keep showing up without having an expectation that you'll feel "home" there or not. i think being not "neurotypical" just make things a bit harder, but there might be someone just like you trying to engage... maybe it's worth taking a look at Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. i think i'm suffering from something similar but in a very different way, and maybe this can explore where some of these feelings come from at the root.

>>97374 As always I'm of the opinion that the best way to develop a real relationship is mutual suffering or incrimination in the service of some kind of work. This is something that happens naturally when you work a lot with other people. You'll notice that people bonded by this kind of "trauma" are not as receptive to you and that's what you experience.

Be ahead in terms of being loving in some ways so you provide something to emulate and enjoy, and "resonate" with people who are the same. Friendships are one form of love, and love is what (positive, worthwhile, lasting) relationships are made of. In other words, weed, pile on compost or dung, till and seed the ground. Desire alone doesn't help, what does is restraint to act on desires impulsively and to cultivate what's good in your life already further. Whether real or real potential, or less real in the worse case, you have to pick something to make more better and more real. What's "yours" to cultivate is wherever you are, here, so it doesn't exclude e.g. jobs, hobby groups, volunteer work. Your parents passed onto you your body and with it comes where it is, what it can do, who you meet... Love is cultivated from your ancestral heritage and not "built" as such. Another thing to look at is, being slow to get tilted and sustaining and not snubbing whatever joy you can muster. That's real willpower and relationships are more flexible and lasting when you have a sense of humor. It's not about techniques but about discipline, intent ("pre-emotion" / "general atmosphere / state of mind / feeling"; relates to moral values and types of joy) and becoming increasingly less confused. Socialization is a real, natural need so to lack it is to lack some level of health and/or personal development, which is totally individual. Though a social context is a necessary backdrop and acquiantanceships are that too, just more solidified and closer, it's purely individual work. Occasionally changing environments helps stay fresh. Wanting friendships and turning that into an agenda point often points at an avoided underlying personal problem. Maybe in the short term, "you need therapy" a.k.a. more contact with understanding people of varied experiences who reflect some things back to you, and to un-narrow your perspective, more than someone fitting your model of the role that is "a friend" and who's willing to commit to it.

>>97378 >i think the technique question is kind of a trap because it implies the problem is behavioral The problem is behavioral, it's through your behavior that people perceive and judge you. If you don't want to be seen as "forcing it" just be more honest, with others and yourself. >i've had a weird range of online people and irl ones likewise Don't compare online interactions with irl ones, they're far different. >Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. Do you have any convictions to support the veracity of this book, or are you just citing it to pretend to have any knowledge on something you don't even know soykaf? That's what most if not all of these coaching books actually serve for.

i really think we are living in a very fuarrrked up dystopian era where the effects of authoritarianism and corporate control over every aspect of our daily lives are destroying our ability to connect with other human beings on a meaningful level. i have friends i've known my whole life but we barely talk anymore these days other than brief idle chitchat, everyone is too isolated and distracted with other things that seem to dominate their lives, everyone just goes to work at their soykafty meaningless jobs and then they come home and turn their brains off scrolling social media or playing video games or watching tv or whatever, go to bed, repeat. everyone is in their own little isolated world and they've been isolated for so long that they've forgotten how to have a real conversation with anyone. at first i was skeptical of the whole "loneliness epidemic" that i keep hearing about but now i'm beginning to understand it, though i don't think i would call it a loneliness epidemic - i don't think this is some random phenomenon, i think it's a deliberate coordinated attack on human connectivity, i think the ruling class know that the only thing holding their empire together is division and people being isolated from one another and unable to experience consensus reality.

my biggest two >offering to help them with things no one else might be >accepting help and gifts from them with a lot of grattitude There is all this relationship style acts of service gift giving whatever the fuarrrk but truth is these things secretly everyone is looking for because it means actually having community or actually having someone they can depend on and also do things for in return. You have to be confident you can help because you often have to be kind of pushy about it and people can tell if you are hollowly offering help or actually are trying to. If you are confident you can its a lot easier to be like "are you sure you dont want it? Its not a problem we could do it xyz day, i do this all the time, we could do this or that, etc.". It often or can lead to cutting through the intimacy barrier despite maybe it not inherently being that intimate of help. Which there is a third thing I think and thats just touch, we are all increasingly nervous to touch eachother which doesn't mean you should be touching everyone but in our relationships we (often not always) all would like to reach a place where we feel okay to hug or hold the person. Helping someone and accepting help or even just showing up when its not expected often for one person or the other creates a reasonable "i cant help but make some emotional/physical gesture right now". And from then on the fear is gone and its a lot easier to get closer.