I've been dealing with a problem in the last 2 years. I'm not sure yet if it solely from the lack of pressure. It must be influenced also by the lack of purpose right now.
To summarize: I usually don't do anything related to my obligations, unless the pressure hits hard. This pressure usually hits on deadlines.
Usually, in the past, when I was younger, it was possible to conclude everything the day before the deadline, because tasks were simpler. Nowadays, it is nearly impossible to achieve anything because my obligations usually require weeks of constant work. This discrepancy is making me suffer a lot. I did not create the habit of dealing with long term problems by my own will. I usually do them by obsession, interest or novelty.
When I lose interest in a task, or don't get obsessed over it, it has to become an imminent threat not doing it. Which means it gets extremely stressful, and I don't do anything else besides this task until it is done. For example: cleaning the bathroom on friday, because if I don't do it, the other people that use the same bathroom as I will get incredibly pissed off (quite literally, maybe?) and that will incur in social problems in my own living space.
I'm trying to figure out ways to handle this, because from the past year, I don't know if I lost purpose in my job or if I just don't have pressure to do it. I worked extremely well in stressful environments where I could just get the thing done and log off for the day. But my current line of work does not work like this. It is slow paced and long, small and incremental. For me to push myself to do this kind of work by myself, it is necessary an amount of "precaution with the future" which I lack. I usually deliver everything in spurts of obsessed hours of work.
This is not just regarding my job. There are many things to do that I do not know how to apply them to my schedule. For example, I have to get a document. I've been unable to get it from the past 10 months. And I should have gotten it by Feburary. Since this document made a minor inconvenience, and not a major problem, it was not a priority. HOWEVER this document CAN become a major problem, turning into thousands of dollars in taxes if I still procrastinate on getting it. What I mean is: there is no imminent threat on getting this document, only a probable one. Internally, this threat is processed as non-existent. So I don't bother with it, until it happens. Also, "don't bother" is not true either. Because it does bother me, just not enough to do something to end this once for all. And then, next year I will have to do it again, for this bullshit document. I also do not enjoy in the slightest paying taxes, since I believe I pay too much of these, so I guess that builds an aversion to it too. It is literally the most expensive cost I have. It is over my rent and food together.
I had many difficulties on university, where I had to find my own self-pressure to handle doing assignments. And still, I've done them at most 2 days before. Except at the times where I got obsessed with a subject, and did work on it everyday non-stop. I usually have "days" of subjects. Like, "day of the guitar" where I practice the guitar most of the day. Or "day to deliver this work I've been putting aside for months". And this style of work/living is getting unbearable. I feel good doing it, when i'm in the flow, but a lot of the times it was not the thing I was supposed to be doing that time. For example, this post here, writting this is not the thing I was supposed to do. I was supposed to be having lunch right now. In fact, I was supposed to have had lunch 2 hours ago. But I must eat, so it has to happen. It is non-negotiable. And after eating, I was supposed to handle a task in my job. And this train of thought happens every single day. Every single day, I do something that was not supposed to be done at that specific time[./b] And I've been suffering a lot because of this. And this suffering comes in these ways:
1. If I keep avoiding the things I was supposed to do, they bite my ass later;
2. If I keep avoiding the things I was supposed to do, they accumulate in my mind and notes, and it gets exhausting to keep track of everything I have to do now;
3. If I keep avoiding the things I was supposed to do, I have to do them in a shorter time frame later. And then, this shorter time frame will not be enough to get them done. This shorter time-frame, will also force me to skip meals, skip exercising, skip drinking water, and it will mess up my health entirely, just so I can get the task done and not face the consequences.
Type 3 of suffering is the worst right now. I remember being in a really good shape physically, and one of the reasons I stopped being in a good shape was the number 3. It hurts being inconsistent in everything I do. I never see anything that I work in resist the test of time. Castles made of sand, being wiped out of existence, either physically or the ideas crumbling out of my mind.
There are definitely some wins here though. I figure some things were not worth doing. And decided to not do them. But the amount of things I still should do is overwhelming. I wanted to learn how to drive. It takes 3 months where I live, to learn how to drive. It's been 3 years I've been attempting it. I did not get past the documentation phase. In this meantime, I learned shooting with a 9mm and maintaining it, I learned basic CPR during a course, I finished a fire emergency course, I finished a rock climbing security course, but did not learn the skill of driving. Even though driving is more imminent than those 3 skills I decided to learn them first.
Anyways, I wish I could hire someone that would help me organize my day. And force me to stick to the plan or rearrange it, to keep me on track. I feel like I'm in a carriage with 20 horses where every five minutes one of the horses decides the new course and I have to follow them. And worst part now is that I'm aware. And it starts feeling like I can't do soykaf about it, even though i'm the one with the reins in my hands, I can't control 20 horses.
If there was someone daily checking out if I'm doing what I was supposed to do, I believe this would force me to keep track. It would be terribly annoying, but I admit it, I can't do it myself. I don't know if it is out of will, out of discipline, I don't know. Probably both. I understand my head is also broken. I have a diagnosis of ADHD. I just revealed this now, because I don't want to identify with this, I just want to solve this problem, and I'm trying a thousand of different approaches. It's been like this my whole life, and I do not want pity because I'm "genetically unfortunate" I want to solve these problems in some way, shape or form. I've developed many strategies, out of habit and out of choosing the most natural and easiest path to take. But these took me only so far. I'm not prepared, but I think I have to try some kind of "battle" against it. And I'm looking for anything that can help me.
I'm already on therapy for years. Do not suggest me that. I've been through many therapists. I have a really good one for the past 6 months, but it takes time to change a pattern of 20 years. I'm already on ADHD drugs, Lisdexamfetamine. It only takes you so far. [b]If I do not propose myself to do the inner work on this, or try other approaches, it will not solve itself. "Have you tried just doing the things you must do?"- I have. I try everyday. And everyday, I start doing the thing, and I end up doing something that is not supposed to be the thing I should do, even inside the thing I was supposed to do! It is annoying to me, to my peers. To everyone. I start cleaning the bathroom, and then I end up somehow cleaning the kitchen and leave the bathroom uncleaned. I start doing something in my job, solving a specific problem, and then end up solving another problem in my job, unrelated, that nobody asked for. It is infuriating. I don't want to lose hope, but some days, man.. some days are rough to be self-aware of this. it is like playing one of those video game RPGs with all question markers open at the same time, but they change order every time I open the quest log.
This paragraph below came out of nowhere, and I'm making it spoiler because it is not that much related, but I want to keep it:
I try to live a very simple life. Most things I own, I usually lose them because I forget where I put them. So why bother having more things?
I invest most of what I earn. I have to, because there is always a chance I will lose my job. And I have to incur the costs with the things I lose. And the costs of health and inflation. I do have expensive hobbies, but they bring me joy and I mostly create and learn with these hobbies. They help me keep an active mind and get fulfilling experiences of life, such as playing guitar, exercising, going into nature, making music and so on.