i am severely mentally ill and developmentally messed up and i think people like me should be dead

i am struggling to not see suicide as the ultimate alternative to the meaningless business of my life and i am too trepidated to attempt something like charcoal asphyxiation or sodium nitrite my 2A rights are intact so ostensibly nothing can stop me from acquiring means, i just need to go and have the courage to buy a gun I've had an inkling since I was a kid that I'm sort of not supposed to be around and this grows more and more intense as i get older

i have no internal or external world i have no input or output im just an object at different places in time its all nothing. im not here for any reason. there's nothing out there. i am growing thin of all of this. i hate the people that have been in my life. i hate everything. i don't wish to be born again i have nothing except suicidal ideation to verbally communicate everything else i communicate is just a mask

>>95645 On one hand, I want to help you bloom into the person you should be. On the other hand, you're in control of your own destiny and that includes your own sudden end... and I respect that choice. >>95646 Nihilism has your balls in a vice, my man. Nietzsche and Evola cover this.

The government wants people like you around, and deliberately manufactures people like you through vaccines and ritual abuse. What is life but existing merely to spite the evil who corrupted me.

Good. If you really belive that, kill yourself and if you managed to breed, your children and free us of your dribble.

you dont know what suicide would entail you cant even be sure its at least "not this". Suicide is literally only appealing when you allow yourself to think of it as a way out, when you actually sit there and realize "way outs" is something that only is real in the context of this existence, that the "something else" you conceive of could only possibly exist here and not after death, you realize that suicide is just nothing as far you are concerned. Its be like thinking your problems could be solved by bouncing a ball up and down, its unrelated. You think it means "an end to this suffering" but "an end to this suffering" only exists in this life, there is no "end to this suffering" in death. Your scared to take actions that could change things because you know what they entail and shut them down, so instead you just are turning to the thing that you know nothing about because then you cant poo poo it or go "thats stupid" or "i cant do that". Also everyone under 30 who isnt completely normal feels that they were always meant to die before xyz age and then you stick it out something good happens and you think why did i ever feel like i was gonna die at this age and the age you think you were supposed to die at keeps getting pushed forward.

>>95645 What is mentally ill and developmentally messed up about you?

>>95829 i have clinical below average verbal and non verbal reasoning scores and several conditions that slow down my processing. OCD, ADHD, Autism level 2 without language impairment, CPTSD, and recurrent major depression. Basically I have no meaningful input or output. Internally, I am a mentally ill idiot and externally I am unable to communicate clearly and effectively and I don't really have the brain for learning things. I'm mentally unfit for everything except the most menial of slave work. I'm just not a high caliber human and this life produces nothing but pain and I want to stop it. I'm tired of seeking help and I'm tired of people trying to help me when I don't believe people like me are worth helping given the cost and damage it takes. My 2nd amendment rights are intact and I am considering signing the form to purchase a firearm so I can act on the impulse to die the second it comes up again. I can submit a 4473 legally. I can buy a Clock 20, or maybe a .357. Probably want to get a rifle for utmost chance of instant death when I kill myself.

>>95898 If you are as retarded as you say you are then how come you can write reasonably clearly and articulately? And have enough self-awareness to describe these things?

>>95898 the best way to fight this is adopt a fighters mentality, and get angry at your inflictions rather than the one hosting them. like everyone else is saying, there's someone bright underneath the avalanche you're trapped in. digging out hurts but others like you have already made it out. bruised and bleeding and maimed, sure, but they're living lives they could not even imagine when they'd started. i got diagnosed with a lot of the same stuff you're describing. i remember being 14, scrubbing my hands until they bled and then some more. it was more than a decade before i reached anything i would describe as "able" but im here now. i still fight manic depression daily, but the panic attacks are background noise, the anxiety is only a small hurdle and OCD has re-manifested in more useful ways. all non-medicated, btw. my methods were entirely self-taught CBT with a LOT of exposure therapy. ..maybe a little natural self-medication. caffeine does wonders for my ADHD. good luck, and remember once you kill yourself, you cant go back, and there's a huge mess for others to clean up: mental. legal, and with a gun now they have to call a cleaning crew. dont be selfish.

>>95903 alright thank you. i wont

>>95898 I can actually relate to a lot of this, and I sometimes feel the same things. I will say being a >high caliber human is not the end all be all. The hyperindividualism of today (especially if you're American) is a delusion. You don't need to be some superhuman, and most people are much, MUCH dumber than they come off as. They are just good actors, and are simply acting out a persona of somebody who seems smart. Whether you're a complete idiot, or not (I don't think you are, the way you write shows a level of self-awareness that NPC's don't have and you seem thoughtful) doesn't determine whether you do or don't deserve to live. I think life is precious even though I sometimes hate my own in similar ways to you, and the idea of you killing yourself fills me with sadness. You deserve better for sure; honestly we all do, and we shouldn't have to deal with this society of fakers who play themselves up to seem like they have some godlike level intelligence.

Ironically, when I turned 30, I fixed several problems that were ruining me, drivinv me to mental illness. Noisy cars that sound so BASS BOOSTED they seem to bass my room? Whoops, it was my faulty wooden window frame that was responsible for the reverberations. Just a piece of cardboard is enough to make it silent. Another window was hard to shut so i fixed it by replacing 2 lousy handles for a good one. Got an air humidifier to sleep well and avoid scratching myself in sleep instead of deep sleep... ah. Food. I removed dairy from my diet - apparently, it *may* do things to me. Also, avoid buying gallons of fuzzy if you have acne. Sugary water gives me acne.

I fantasize of a death like the old guy in breaking bad, very peaceful, looking at the horizon, I don't know why this isn't a real service provided

>>102067 I think it's less important that people want or don't want death, and figure out why they do or don't. There are a few Samurai who talk about the idea, and while they tend to favor the idea that you should be a warrior for what is right, I think that can lead people down a dark path if they don't have the right guidance. The end result is that humans need meaning and a sense of belonging. Most things in life are iterative. Everything from how to use your hands to do things like touch, grab, and push as a child need to develop over many years, and you can do things like play an instrument, do surgery, or paint masterpieces. This is where the saying that consistent practice beats natural skill 99% of the time. It isn't a matter of time, but rather a matter of how you spend your time. There is some kind of belief that suicide is a desirable outcome in response to the modern world, but in reality, those kinds of thoughts are just proof that a person wants to give up, not that they have actually given up. I know many people who have dealt with either trauma, or a loss of sense of meaning and I would encourage everyone to read this book for a TLDR on the idea. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning There are other good books on this topic, and Frankls view are somewhat disputed, but they may offer a solution to some lains https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logotherapy

>>102082 I'm not an academic, I learn more from experience, this civilizational switch is retarded and gen alpha

>>102163 >this civilizational switch is retarded and gen alpha Not that lainon, but what do you mean?

I'm the same but I instead think I should find some followers like Mason, possible or no?