vent 2!!

other thread got too croweded contenuing from >>95418 I would try to keep a good relationship with ur mom ngl make her know u are happy

>>95421 my life feels like its falling apart slowly and all i can do is watch thsi soykaf fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach

>>95424 >>95152 thank you so much this is "everything is rape" poster and what u said rlly resonated the fuarrrking rape god won but your right going into the light is the goal of that rape god to see the people it defiles corrupted and spit out on another note sex is so fuarrrking gross everytime i fuarrrking see a dick i just get flashbacks and soykaf i dont know how to deal with this in a world so controlled by sex ALL SEX IS RAPE

>>95456 >I suspect I am being poisoned. Whole digestive tract feels burnt, from tongue to anus. Red bloody stool came out earlier. >whole >burnt erm... My guesses are: 1. Allergy? 2. You ate something SPICY yet it you failed to realize HOW spicy it was - happened to me in 201X for several months (I was eating Tabasco without realizing it's bad for my gut, tummy and butt all at at once, silly me was thinking Tabasco is not even that hot compared to spicy-tasting piquant instant noodles) 3.0. Poison, OK, could be something straight-up poisonous. 3.1. Or toxic 3.2. Or your anus got hemorroids-like irritation from 1. or 2. hence bloodiest toiled paper you ever seen in your life

My friend intimidates me. We are supposed to make a zine together. I've just been fuarrrking around, getting drunk, cutting myself, feeling sorry. He read some of his entries to me today and they're incredible. I feel ashamed to put my writing in with his writing; the caliber of my writing being so insufficient. He's my only friend with whom I can discuss philosophical concepts or have any sort of interesting conversation. But I find myself feeling insecure, small, and stupid. I already feel lonely all the time. I guess the realization I'm having now that's freaking me out is that - to me - he is so significant in my life, even more significant than my partner at times. And my worry is that he feels about me the way I feel about everyone else: boring, dull, yet entertaining enough; sweet and loved but not helping in alleviating loneliness. Man, I just want to matter to someone.

>>95421 She doesn't comprehend the idea that someone could genuinely enjoy solitude. She thinks she can fix me. On another note, sometimes I feel I'm this way because I'm too intelligent. If I were dumber, I'd probably hang out with people, and if I were to abandon reality, that is to become schizophrenic, I wonder if I'd feel a more intense feeling of happiness. Until that happens, I'll keep rolling as I always did.

I want to be loved and wanted but I am also disgusted and repulsed by most people. I want to have friends and communities but I am revolted by social politics, tribalism, and cliqueness. Why did God make me this way?

>>95478 Exactly same here. I also just found out today that my contract won't be extended in the upcoming year. It was the only job I enjoyed. Excuse me for one-upping you in misery, I don't have anyone to tell.

>>95421 I can easily quit imageboards, music, entertainment but when i do, i have no motivation and just sleep all day. On the other hand, engaging in all kinds of other stuff while working makes for slow progress. Any advice?

>>95480 you're experiencing depression

>>95478 Plenty of people feel the same way. Just power through - meet new people, avoiding those who are too toxic. You'll find someone eventually. People who are similar to you will not seek out others like them, so you will have to show initiative to connect with them through shared acquaintances. Look for people different from you, but with whom those who are like you could be friends with.

>>95480 Find something to work on. When I found something I enjoyed I didn't feel like playing games or browsing imageboards, seldom would I watch 2h of anime but generally my day was 14h of programming. For some reason I even stopped sleeping 10h a day and reduced it to 8h without need of an alarm.

Thanks for replying >>95490 There's a lot to work on, so that's not the problem. Do you have times where you don't have something to work on or do you just immediately move from one thing to the next? >>95483 I'm experiencing weak pussy syndrome, for which the treatment is probably exercise.

>>95500 If I have enough time I manage to find something to work on, so far... It's not just any kind of work, something that gives you joy of working instead of having the work done. If anything I have periods when I have too little time and energy and it makes me miserable.

>>95381 Similar upbringing as you save for the political side of things. My father is an insolent loser who'd have most likely died alone had my mother's self-esteem not been low enough to settle for him. But they're both severely maladjusted, so it makes sense why they'd end up together. They'd beat and humiliate me when I acted out and never as so much as had a sincere conversation with me that wasn't marked by subtle irritation on their end (God forbid they express interest in their son's life). Neither of them could understand--actually my father didn't care at all--why I was so despondent by seventeen that, similar to you, I nearly dropped out of high school. When I finally pulled together enough strength of mind to schedule an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation I found out that I tested for an IQ of 135. I'm twenty-four now. Things are slightly better, but I'm still unemployed and without any savings. My degree in CS will be worth soykaf once it's awarded to me next spring, and I'm not looking forward to working a part-time service level job for the next six months to a year. Had I realized that the technology boom was propped up in the 2010s by low interest rates then I'd have studied something else like civil engineering. Sometimes I feel so jealous at the success of others that it turns into anger directed at myself and I begin thinking about things like immolating myself in the middle of a busy intersection.

>>95544 Are you in the states? I'm 23 about to graduate college and I am moving as far as fuarrrk away from my parents as possible. Got an internship in IT and will be moving to a nice city hoping to restart my entire life with new people. My parents were abusive degenerates and I pray to god my life gets better for the sake of my mental health. Been wanting to blow my brains off for the past 6-7 years. I am so fuarrrking ready to be independent from them and all this soykaft holy fuarrrk I was real close to offing myself during covid.

>>95544 If it makes you feel any better technology is here to stay and provide solid value if you can hop past the screen and into the real world. Don't expect a cushy soulless office job but you can definitely do wonders with electronics or business management or so much more with just your basic CS education, it's all about being creative. And that's really what it's always been about unless you enjoy spiritual suicide.

I've been gunning for higher education for some time now. But as time goes on I'm starting to feel like even simply soldiering on for the slip of paper is a waste of time. Younger and brighter people are getting CompTIA certs and so on, whereas I'm still stuck having to deal with group assignments where 85% of the people in my classes can't read and rely on AI chatbots to think for them. Whenever I have to work with these people it feels like I'm playing code janny and very scarcely actually getting to do anything new or learn anything novel. It doesn't feel like I'm going to get my money's worth either after all these years and like the opportunity cost itself will be more of a problem than anything else. It also doesn't help that all the faculty are dogshit as well. Half the reason these people don't understand how to use basic parts of their development toolkit is because they don't get taught soykaf. So it feels like, if these are the people I see in my cohort, perhaps I'm being set up for failure and should simply seek some other form of self-development. But then the papers you get for completing these things matter a great deal.

Got the job. Found a place to live together. In a year or two marriage and kids will be the next logical step. I don´t want any of this, but am too scared to run away and go back to being alone. All my best memories are of the wired. I don´t belong here. Tips? I refuse to take pills

>>95607 Why can't you be part of the wired? As in you can't be on all the time? No, but at least a little bit, right?

>>95609 I get about 1 or 2 hours of free and ¨¨alone¨¨ time (never truly alone, which is quickly becoming unbearable). I use those hours to play VNs while pretending to work on stuff. I unfortunately share no interest, hobby or anything with my future wife, so I tend to just hide and hope for the best.

>>95607 >>95610 How did you find yourself in this situation?

It snowed this time too. It's strange. Everything that mattered to me has burned away yet somehow I'm stronger than I was. What's the point when what was needed comes only too late? I'm better off than I ever was and yet I'm one broken thread away from death. I should be terrified, but I'm not. All the people and things I idolized have been shown to be lies. There's nothing left but to become better or die. There's no point to either, but they are all there is. Death may be the only sane choice. It's a source of novelty. A wild card. I can probably die later though. I'm driven by a desperation for something new. Why isn't there anything new? I think I might be god.

I dont know where i'm going. Feeling guilty when my dad who I look up to asks about my thoughts on job or education. He is contributing to helping others at his job and feels fulfilled meanwhile I'm NEET. I'm not sure I even feel enough empathy to want to help strangers. Every human interaction i fantasize about being pleasant ends up mildly unsatisfying. Seemingly I'm doing not so bad. I have own home, two people who love me, enough social welfare support to stay alive but it doesn't feel right. I long for solitude but I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me. I doubt I will be happy even if i was finally alone. I can't become creative again, last time I felt satisfied from making art was over 10 years ago in highschool. I keep trying to get my mental health to better place but years of therapy/psych/meds and making various changes to improve my situation still leaves me either empty or anxious. I can't express my thoughts to anyone irl who cares about me, they would only worry knowing i have relapsed into cutting, self hatred and reckless actions.

Sigh............................................. test.

I hate retards who get assblasted over getting derezzed for posting obvious garbage and start spamming (even spamming cp!) nonstop for months, even years. I can't escape it, I have to see it on french and german imageboards too. I hate how I have to keep being exposed to this public display of mental illness on every imageboard I go.

>>95656 When all you have is social rejection, then there is nothing else left to do, since you can't stop wanting to communicate, it's too deep a necessity to be removed over the course of a month or a year. I think you need at least 7-10 years to remove the desire to communicate with others, until then you have to spam once in a while. Though cp spam is a really pussy move, I condemn that.

>>95656 One thing that is like kicking dead whales down the beach about it is that they can be otherwise decent posters. You'd be surprised at how fuarrrking weird it can actually be. The final solution to the spam question is client side content filtering, but the people are retarded.

i miss psychosis. at least then there was excitement. i miss talking to shadow people. i am the only one who can be of service to no one but myself. everyone else may just be a figment of my imagination for all i care. they are just collections of particles. i am transcendent and exist both materially and immaterially. i miss heroin. i used to like seeing the powder melt into black liquid. and then i would melt. disappear into another realm for an hour and come back. i'm tired of thinking. i really need to be doing. i'm doing something right now and it's cool but when am i going to be doing more important things? soon. all i talk about is me. every sentence starts with 'i'. inner reflection is good but when it's been over a year of nothing but inner reflection and watching time waste away it gets boring. i only have a bit longer.

>vent thread 2 this is like the thirtieth vent thread on this website mang I can't TAKE it any more with this INACCURATE NUMBERING

I guess that's it, my Lains. Goodbye to you all.

There are times when I get an incredibly uneasy feeling that something is unresolved and that I’m missing something. As for the "unresolved" part, it feels as if there was something I should do in order to keep moving forward, but I’m not quite sure about what it is. The feeling of "missing something" gives me a sense that there is something I still don’t understand, like being very close to solving a problem or puzzle but not quite able to see the solution. This soykaf drives me nuts because nothing really comes to mind, at least nothing clear or specially meaningful to me, yet I feel like the solution is right under my nose. I just keep circling round and round trying to find a solution to a problem I am not even able to comprehend. Maybe it's just a pointless feeling I should just ignore and keep moving on with life, but still, it's hard not to pay attention when it feels so close and real.

>>95868 Are you missing what is true?

>>95868 I don't think it's a pointless feeling at all. I don't think that you should give up on something that's important to you. That's advice I need to figure out how to take myself.

The longer I live, the more I become aware that I just can't keep circling back to solitude. Wherever I go, whatever I do, whomever I meet - eventually, all friend groups eventually fizzle out or lose their magic in a short time span. During the last 3 years, I've lived in three different major cities in my country. Each time I've moved to a new exciting place, I just kept witnessing everything crumbling down around me. Even now, as I'm writing this post, nearly every single group I've engaged in throughout the last year has become a shadow of its former self. I may be going schizo, but i can't deny that i feel as if something's pushing me back towards solitude. I've experienced enough loneliness in the past that now I can't help but treat it as... strangely nostalgic and pleasurable. As I'm writing this, I'm not even in a particularly negative state of mind - I'm simply thinking to myself "what if I wasn't meant to escape that sort of solitude, but to embrace it" sorry if my rant is too weird, but i feel like i had to just dump it somewhere

I want authentic meaningful relationships with people so fuarrrking bad but I can't find compatible people with my personality and values around my age range and most people are so soykafty.

It seems my whole life I have been just portrayed as defective by psychologists just because I did not act like a steriotypical soykafheaded little American. What the fuarrrk? They said ADD and depression then claiming autism all while never once actually talking to me.

I'm getting surgery on my boy prostate to stop the boy bleeding from all the boy plapping my boyfriend did do inside of me

>>95479 Situation got worse. The only friends I've made at the past job have found new opportunities, and I feel stuck. Struggling to sleep, I cannot relax for a second, because I am avoiding my thoughts, as they're grim.

>>95460 This is a common manic and/or psychotic delusion.

>>95479 Similar situation. Was working as a temp at a school. When it came time to get someone permanent I was not chosen. My references even said they never got a call. It sucked because the people I worked with in the class really enjoyed my presence and felt that I was a good asset to the team. I took it hard because I got really close to the kids we worked with and now I'm back to floating around, something that is really detrimental to my well being lol. It's fine, we will get something long term and beneficial soon enough. （　＾＾）人（＾＾　）

Stop fuarrrking asking me if you can ask me a question and just fuarrrking ask it. Stop asking me if I have time for a call because you need to ask me something. Just ask the fuarrrking question. 90% of the time you're just fuarrrking showing me an error message that tells you EXACTLY what you fuarrrking need to do to fix it. I do not need to fuarrrking hop in a screen share for this you fuarrrking illiterate soykaf for brains. You're getting ANOTHER fuarrrking error that says there's an unclosed tag on line 123? CLOSE THE fuarrrkING TAG, JUST LIKE THE LAST 500 TIMES YOU ASKED ME THIS. Don't fuarrrking make me join a fuarrrking video call to fuarrrking look at this bullshit. I am not your 1st grade teacher. I am not here to teach you how to fuarrrking read. What the fuarrrk is going on during our hiring process these days? There is no fuarrrking way these people are passing the same interview questions that I did.

I used to be a pretty introspective person, but lately I have realized I don't know myself anymore. I try to change my behavior to fix stuff and it doesn't work, I try to predict how I'm going to act or feel if $X happens and I literally have no idea until it actually happens. My psychiatrist asks me stuff and I just say whatever comes to mind first, but deep down I don't actually know if I'm bullshitting, if I'm going to change opinion. I am losing the ability to keep a consistent story about myself and that kind of scares me.

>>95987 Reminds me one time at work. IT was at my desk for something and I forgot my password for software. I hit 'forgot password' and he was so relieved that I was the only person to ever do that instead of asking him for help.

I'm like 6 beers in so I can't make a proper post and I just want to say that life really is like kicking dead whales down the beach, it's been this way since 12 when I became aware of living with an alcoholic dad and I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to turn the same way as him. I'm 26 and I can't mention a period longer than a month when I've been happy. fml

>>96000 I'm like 4 glasses of wine in, so my response might be ignorable. I am in a similar age range and actual ... I would find it odd to be happy for a month. There are always up and downs and they make life "spicy", the bad days come, but they always go and as long its like this life is exciting and good.

I'm also worried I'll end up fuarrrking myself up, but whiskey and music are carrying hard. I'm fuarrrked and afraid, but not everything is grim. I may be too retarded to figure out how to take the help that peopleb keep offering me, but it makes me happy that people care. I wish people would be a bit more direct though. I don't need someone making friendship noises at me from a distance, I need someone to point a gun at my head and tell me that we're friends now.

I think I discovered another reason why I'm so avoidant of romance and romantic relationships, tell me if this makes any sense: Both of my parents were on their third marriage and had me and my sisters for some reason; who knows. The joke is that my oldest sister was an accident. Both my parents were loving in their own way and were very used to being around/taking care of many kids in a large family, so they always displayed "agapeic" love. As long as I was alive they never displayed any romantic or lustful love and, to make things worse, the concept of sex always carried a negative connotation in the household. To make things even worse, I was homeschooled throughout my later childhood and teens, so that environment was effectively the only one I was in. To make things abysmally worse, I got into anime and Internet stuff really early on in life for the time. Thanks Robotech. Nowadays I find the idea of being a relationship nice in theory, but the prospects of having one in real life don't appeal too much to me. I enjoy helping and taking care of people and can see myself loving someone given enough time around her, but it seems that a lot of people around my age don't exhibit love in the same way I do; people have told me that I remind them of their moms and wives despite being a guy, which is odd (sidenote: I don't "mother" people. I have enough self-awareness to not do that). A romantic relationship, on the other hand, sort of grosses me out. My sex drive took a nose dive after I graduated high school and completely died when I entered my twenties. What I really wanted in life was a slow relationship with a girl where we could discover ourselves with each other, but that's a teenager thing and I had to acknowledge that the opportunity to do that was long past me. My brain knew what to expect and when to expect it. I think it did long in advance and ruined any chance for me to experience that and grow up with a more healthy psyche. Whatever. I paint now. If it happens it happens, but meaningless twenty-something sex doesn't appeal to me.

>>95418 I'm sort of the same way minus the self-diagnosis faggorty, but my parents are sort of the same way in their own ways so we just get along. I'm sorry your mom's a normal user

I haven't talked to my dad in around 2 years and 10 months since he has been physically and mentally abusive to me for my whole life, berating me for every mistake that I do, constantly looking down on me, beating me so hard that my arm once got dislocated and so on, this is not the point of this post but I'm just painting a picture. I was celebrating the new years with my mom this year and I saw her reply to his "Happy New Years" message with an equally disinterested reply, then she went to his profile, I got to see his face again and suddenly felt this huge sorrow that I can't properly explain, it felt like I had a knot deep in my neck that would restrict me from properly talking and I got this sudden anger in me that only went away after I fell asleep. I just can't believe that I'm still so hung up on this and that by calming myself down I haven't truly "gotten over it", I just disassociated from it without solving anything. I still vividly remember the picture and thinking about it gives me serious homicidal anger.

>>95421 >My last remaining long time friend ghosted me after years of talking and flirting when I asked her if she wanted to start dating, pretty sure she blocked my number >Other friends grew distant because I don't share their interests in sports teams or going to parties >One parent is drinking themselves to death, refuses to get help >Other parent has an incurable disease and probably won't live for more than a few more years >Zuumer sibling is homosex/bisex now, and said the family is toxic and they don't want to deal with us anymore, creating made up "trauma" because my family said his lifestyle is dumb and dangerous because of drinking, drugs, and lots of sex partners >I'm an outcast at work because I got fed up at several meetings and made the senior managers feel "offended," by telling the truth. HR said I wasn't wrong, so they can't punish me, but try to not make management feel bad. >All of my workers either quit or got fired because the workplace is so horrible. One of my workers apologized to me when he left, because he said I did so much to protect him and everyone else. >Now I am alone, we're behind schedule, and my supervisor who should be helping me with our projects decided he was going to take a 3 week vacation on the other side of the world without telling me until the day before because "lainon has everything covered" When one of the managers told me his deadline expectations and asked what my plan was to meet them because our department is lagging behind on projects and our customers aren't happy, I said I'll just work 6 days a week + overtime, and I got told that "isn't good for my mental health, I need to enjoy some time off for the new year, and certainly there is somebody else who can do the work" and not grasping that I am literally the only one here right now who has any idea of what the fuarrrk is going on, and I just need them to hire more people. I guess it costs too much money to hire wage slaves. We should just straight up get slaves or something. My supervisor told me I'm too nice to the workers, apparently that's a bad thing. I'm getting pretty close to snapping and just quitting and going to move somewhere and become a monk. even though I am well paid, I can't deal with new management, and I don't have anything else going for me in life. But I would also feel bad if I can't be there for my family who does care about me.

>>96032 I'm sorry your parents are dying and your sibling is being a fagort, but you should take your savings and do whatever the fuarrrk you want to do with it. Like start a business or something

Do autistic people know they're autistic? I keep looking in the mirror; why am I like this? As time goes on I realise how similar I am to my caregivers. I don't want to be like this. Decades of being in a body that is just painful. Beaten as a child. Constantly clue-less as a student. Rejected by peers. They kept letting me into the higher level maths classes but I fuarrrking knew soykaf. Childhood was just soykaf. Couldn't sleep and then shunted to a place full of aliens that wanted me to do this or that. I hated school; it was full of noisy, dirty children. Anxiety so great ones sick. Day after day after day. Eat and you feel sick. Don't eat and you still feel sick. The only option was to withdraw... and now what? Insecure employment as an adult. No academic qualifications to obtain "dignified" work. 'Family' is clearly deranged. Something tells me life isn't supposed to be this miserable, but have I just absorbed that idea from hollow media? I see co-workers... alive. Kids too. Was I alive once? I write references for young students from foreign lands who speak multiple languages. They pass through these transient jobs, but I'm just stuck. Other adults just notice I'm odd. At first they think that I am stupid, than they... what? Pity me? I died a long time ago. I don't want to exist. It always comes back to this: nothing is worth it. Something has to be wrong with my body. As a child I was fixated on the idea of death. You're alive... and then you're not. Where do you go? As an adult I have nightmares of awakening from a 'simulation' into the 'real' world; this place is fuarrrking bizzare. We're chattel for something else... I must not have any interesting ideas: they all eventually tap out essentially saying "I'm just a cog". I know, but I was asking about your thoughts. I hated school because it was full of children. I hate work because it's full of children. On some level we're all the same, but why do I feel so retarded.

>>96032 >>96032 lok, lainon... >apparently, it's a bad thing Many modern managers are taught "burnout" is worse than being wacky. Take some rest. > I said I'll just work 6 days a week + overtime, and I got told that "isn't good for my mental health, I need to enjoy some time off for the new year, and certainly there is somebody else who can do the work" and not grasping that I am literally the only one here right now who has any idea of what the fuarrrk is going on 1ain'ton, I... IDEA Outline some of the *soykaf* your dum-dum colleagues *could use to know*. WHY Your superiors/manager guys will use it to *manage* soykaf by a) redirecting SOY to some SoyJack the newbie, leaving you the KAF to work hard on. The gain here is, youll get more time to "grind the real kaf" so to say, m8 Details: make sure that... well... Your HR/management in general will know they don't need a pro, a basic "hallo, world!" puter girl will do the stuff hard for you due to being MUNDANE or AUGH, AGAIN-ish

I have seriously made the decision to stop shunning social media and everything else that is actively preventing me from having a healthy social life in modern society. Even if that means giving up my data to the likes of Meta and god knows how many data brokers. If you couldn't guess, I am in no way a fan of this "system" – if you can call it that – or else I wouldn't have held out on it for so long; hoping I'll magically find my people someday while waiting around and doing nothing. But I'm still young, and nothing will change if things stay the same. Every time I come out of my shell to be social, I'm reminded of everything I'm missing out on just because of some autistic restrictions I place on myself because I'm "enlightened". But to be honest, I place way more value on actual human connection. It just so happens that this connection is somewhat dependent on online platforms with soykafty practices.

>>96057 > It just so happens that this connection is somewhat dependent on online platforms with soykafty practices. Something tells me you haven't been at this for very long, maybe five years max. It isn't hard to find people IRL who'll make a positive social impact on your life; in my experience the Internet has led to more duds then randomly bumping into people IRL, especially considering the time investment. That doesn't mean you can't use the Internet to find people in general, it only means that you don't need to use the certified Social ® websites to find them. >I'm reminded of everything I'm missing out on just because of some autistic restrictions I place on myself because I'm "enlightened" What you're missing out on are either dumbass trends that'll be forgotten in a year or funny videos that you could find elsewhere. The ocean of piss you need to swim through to find the right stuff and right people isn't worth it. It is true that thinking more makes you harder to talk to but that's a fine price to pay. Know enough about the world and you'll overcome that easily. The more you use these things the more you play into their power which you pretend to hate. In other words, you're making things soykafty for the rest of us by giving in.

im an ugly short straight man and only fat balding gay men hit on me and i dont know how to tactfully reject them because im autistic and cloying and it makes me feel uncomfortable and like im only somebody's warmed over leftovers at the end of the day

>>96057 >I'm reminded of everything I'm missing out on I have to hear what I'm missing out on. >Just because of some autistic restrictions I place on myself because I'm "enlightened". I'm sorry our enlightened club is not to your liking but you should not be in it just to hangout. These lainanons really don't feel the need to have an instagram account.

>>96061 >>96072 I guess what spurred this on for me was New Year’s Eve. I was at a gathering with family and got roped into a group of old friends and a couple of strangers. I won't recount the whole night, but it made me feel elated in ways I haven't felt since high school, probably. I don't know if you've ever been asked if you're on Snapchat or similar, but it's usually a sign that someone is interested in talking to you more. It actually pains me to say that I'm not – like a future with this person, who I really get along with, just slipped through my fingers. Now, I never meant to say that I intend to become a TikTok zombie or addicted to doomscrolling. But at least having a presence on – let's say Snapchat – would give me a reliable line of contact to this person. >I have to hear what I'm missing out on If you're content with your state of things, then absolutely nothing. That's fine.

i'm priviledged and I hate it. Because people hate me (or so I think) for my priviledge. My only way to make sure all that priviledge doesn't go to waste is by having some brains. But still, I hate myself because I probably wouldn't be smart without priviledge.

>>96081 I dont think it matters much to consider these "if or if not smart and privilege factors" You may be very ethical hence, feel sad for others who might mot be privileged as you say. Thats not a bad thing. If your modest and dont live in spectacular excess or show it off, rarely anyone will be mad at you.

>>96081 i wonder if this is why people get royally mad at me when i poke fun at them growing up middle class :|

>>96080 >I don't know if you've ever been asked if you're on Snapchat or similar, but it's usually a sign that someone is interested in talking to you more. Of course we have. Just because we're okay with not being on the biggest SNS websites doesn't mean we don't talk to people. >It actually pains me to say that I'm not – like a future with this person, who I really get along with, just slipped through my fingers. Nothing was stopping you from saying >I'm not on those websites, but I am on [rizon/pixiv/matrix/other non-intrusive website/network]. Here's my username. or, even simpler >I don't have any of those; what's your phone number? Both work fine depending on your audience. Almost everyone has a phone number and people worth talking to are usually willing to join a website to talk to you on-line. All in all, you're being a wimp. Stop thinking "Oh golly gee, I jumped on the anti-social media bandwagon too soon and now I need to join some retarded service to talk to this qt3.14!!!1" every time a girl talks to you for more than ten minutes. Think about it this way: None of this soykaf was necessary for anyone in years past, why should it be necessary now? Answer: it isn't! You just have to have a spine.

>>96082 I try my best to live as modestly as possible, but there's a guilty conscience in my head that other family members would definitely enjoy my priviledge far more than I am

>>96083 >royally mad I see what you did there

>>96081 who gives a fuarrrk? they're just filthy plebs

moving is such a schlep. real estate agents aren't human. this is like kicking dead whales down the beach

i want to go back to college but i just don't see a point. if i sink money and time into studying for a degree i'm certain it will be a waste, any job i want will be taken by someone better and the job search process out of college will be frustrating and emotionally devastating to the point of making me feel entirely worthless. i know i'm smart and capable and everyone i know thinks i'm talented but it doesn't seem like it's the kind of talent i can turn into earning a living. doesn't help that most wagie jobs aren't an option for me because i tend to pass out if i stand for more than 15 or so minutes. before you ask no i'm not trying to major in bigender basket weaving or whatever, i used to study cs before i dropped out, but i see it as a dead end now due to ai. i want to pivot to something more practical, but i feel like it's too late

i'm just a complex input/output machine designed to chase dopamine so i can survive and reproduce. there is no higher power that would give my life meaning. just a fuarrrking robot. i should be sleeping rn but i haven't slept properly in weeks. college exams in a few days. not too stressed, mostly apathetic. need alcohol more than ever

>>96118 compsci is essentially bigender basket weaving nowadays, for all its worth. Use the knowledge you gained from doing your mandatory classes to do something fun. Or pivot all together. It isn't too late you're just being melodramatic

>>96036 This is very relatable for me, >>96057 I thought of doing something like that but in reverse. Instead of joining the herd and selling out my private life i thought of joining social media with my real name and stuff just to get permaderezzed and unpopular with normgroids to the point where if asked or looked up i can proudly tell i am not wanted by these institutions no more. Instead of "resisting" modern life, i thought of wef cringe posting to a point where people will be really pissed off and i could drag down the system with it. The idea is to repost the wef crap rethoric but go overboard with to a cringe point, they cant ban me for repeating what the man wants me to say, but instead if will do it so hard and over the top that they will need to ditch me, i want to see how far i can go before they redact me for being too much. Social media is a good filter to separate the wolf from the normgroids, i dont like people who do social media because it is social media, so when almost coerced into it why not give in and give them what they dont want.

Moved in with my girlfriend recently. Overall it's okay, though I don't see this as a lifelong thing. Biggest problem is that she's an alcoholic and on top of that an annoying drunk who blacks out almost every time she drinks. Part of me is just waiting for a reason to break up, but she's still a good friend and it would cause a lot of waves in my life.

>>96152 The more you stay with her the harder it will be to break up. If you break up with her due to her alcoholism becoming an increasingly sever issue in, say, 2 years, then besides the grief of the breakup you will have the immense regret of not having ended the relationship 2 years sooner. It's cruel but at the end of the day only one's self can save himself. If she keeps spiraling down and you don't let go you'll also ruin your life too.

I feel so lost in life right now. I've finished my schooling and began working a stable well paying job. I have been in the routine of going to the gym for a couple years now and am close to my dream physique and I'm fairly well liked by those around me and generally perceived as happy. However under that facade I feel so empty, broken and lost. I have nothing to do in my free time which isn't too much of a problem on weekdays but weekends I flip between opening various games, movies, sleeping and other useless things to kill time. I used to be heavily addicted to porn however have made it a resolution to stop this year. Having said that I began joining dating apps to fill that void and when I was in a particularly bad moment decided to hookup with a woman nearly twice my age. I felt disgusted with myself for it and on top of the shame I also suspect I have some form of ED from all the porn use. I think my mind just blocks out that memory however I don't trust myself anymore the way I am. I was also going to go on dates and had some set up however don't feel as though I am in the right mental headspace to do so. I guess it just boils down to the core issue of having no desires in life. I believe in religion however feel so disconnected from it, as is the same with all other aspects of my life. Truthfully I don't feel suicidal however if someone told me I was going to die tomorrow I'd welcome the idea and feel as though i'd secretly be glad. I've managed to climb upwards my whole adult life through avoiding obvious pitfalls and it has worked for material success but I've always been avoiding negative outcomes rather than actually looking up and striving for positive ones. I've felt this way for nearly a decade now but I have a doctors appointment scheduled later this week and I'm thinking of finally seeing a therapist. I just don't know else I can do at this point and truthfully don't know what anyone else can do for me either.

>>96172 Childhood traumas? Could use friends, not girlfriend. Join interest groups. Find dysthymia cause.

>>96174 No childhood trauma to note, I do have friends and do well socially like I said however I still can't shake the feelings of isolation and emptiness.

I'm sad and lonely. I'm old. I'm a loser. I am ugly. I have no accomplishments worth mentioning. I am a genetic failure in every sense. I won't ever have any special connections or close relationships.I've been all but forgotten by the world. Nobody cares, nor will anybody ever cared. Life feels like being the protagonist of a video game long past the game over screen forever waiting for a restart that's not coming. There is absolutely nothing good waiting for me in life, but I still don't really want to die either. Even though I understand that happiness is not really an option , it's still something that I cannot really accept. Even now I find myself longing for things that never really could have been, things that I should have gotten over in high school, like the impossibility of romance, for example.I'll watch something, read something, see some depiction of a world that I wished I could have had and spend my hours lost in daydreams about it like a teenager staring out the window in high school. I just can't let go of all those hopes that I watched fly away from me.

>>96193 >I am a genetic failure in every sense. I won't ever have any special connections or close relationships.I've been all but forgotten by the world. Nobody cares, nor will anybody ever cared. Thats a good thing. Means you can do whatever you want.

>>96194 I like the optimism, but unfortunately your ability to do most things is tied to your genetics. I'm not just some athletic super genius who just happens to have nobody. And what if what I want is to have those special connections anyways?

>>96172 you probably feel that void from not using porn, fried dopamine receptors maybe?

>>96177 You have friends but never do anything with them on weekends? Hit your friends up. Heck, I need to follow my own advice.

i'm completely incapable of forming human connections. i don't think it's the autism, because back in high school all of my more autistic so-called friends always got invited to parties and hangouts while all i did was stay at home without as much as a single text. obviously later on when we parted ways they all got real emotional about how we're gonna miss eachoter or something but it really just feels kinda fake when even the girl who told me i'm her "favorite person" doesn't keep in touch with me. so with how everything's been going lately i see no way out other than losing myself to drugs or just killing myself. i'm really scared of death. also i have this delusion that i can keep up sobriety for more than maybe a week. but i see no meaning in continuing this life further. i'm really starting to like the idea of suicide. sorry for the blogpost lains hope you have a good day xoxo

>>96195 99% of all people are retarded braindead communists, religitards and homophobes who aren't worth your time. fuarrrk them. When you stop caring about what society thinks about you, you become based. When you are based, your personality becomes a magnet for people compatible to you. Remember that. As for strength and intellect, those can be improved. Go hit the gym and read some books, nigga.

>>95421 God, I'm tired. I just want my project to be ready already, so that I could maybe finally move on and leave the crappy situation I'm in behind me. Shouldn't be too much to ask, right? Seemingly everyone else from my past have managed to pull themselves by the boots and made something out of themselves. Why am I the one who still has to linger on, left scraping the barrel? Not only that, but there's no guarantees that this project would bear any fruit. The other ones didn't, so what would make this one any different? The funny thing in all of this is the fact that I've brought this all upon me all by myself, and now I'm reaping what I've sown. Nobody else left to blame anyway, so it has to be my fault. Ugh, the fuarrrk am I doing here, crying about it all? I should get back to it.

>>95421 I've pretty much accepted that I wont have sex or form a good relationship with anyone for at least the next few years. I just can't see it happening. I want to perform a study on virgins/people reporting "asexual" tendencies to see if their sexual inhibitions are the result of lack of social opportunities, a lack of exposure to healthy relationships, or some other gap in human knowledge that prevents them from interacting with people on a sexual basis

It's insane that Americans would rather use the 2nd Amendment to shoot school kids instead of it's stated purpose - tyrannicide. Why has no one thrown Curtis Yarvin into a locker and pumped it full of zyklon yet? AI Bros are gay and there are too many Indians in my country. There's a vent.

>>96231 school shooters are retarded and not all Americans are one same being. Teenagers who are groomed into shooting up schools are done so specifically

>>96234 Honestly, the point still stands. A billionaire coup happens and suddenly "give me liberty or give me death!" becomes "Yes daddy, please, steal my 401K!"

>>96228 I'm in the same place really. My last relationship was with this absolutely wonderful girl who I did, and still do love. We dated for 5 months before she broke up with me over text, which wasn't like her at all. She couldn't tell me what I did or why she made the decision, other than that she 'didn't love me'. She hasn't spoken to me in half a year. I love her and there really is no another girl like her. The months that we did spend together was genuinely the happiest I'd ever been in my life and it really felt like she truly loved me. We only had one 'sexual' moment when she tried to make a move on me and touch me or whatever and I told her that I didn't want her to. I didn't tell her why but its because I was scared that she was doing it only because she thought I wanted it. I wanted her to do it because she wanted it. I still think about her all the time. I had another relationship about 3-4 years back with this other girl who was really funny. Wasn't the prettiest girl ever but I didn't care very much at all. We made each other laugh and she was fun to be around. We dated for 8 months but after around 3 months she just started treating me like soykaf. Ignoring me, calling me names, disrespecting me in front of her and my friends. Nothing terrible but I hated it. It made me feel like a dog who kept coming back to its neglectful owner. After about a month of this behavior, I told her about what she was doing and how it was making me feel, she said she understood and would try her best to change. Nothing changed. I put up with it for the next 4 months and eventually broke up with her. She tried to get me to get back with her for months, she made up lies and told my friends things that weren't true behind my back until some of them hated me. As of recently I have been having "asexual" tendencies. The thought of sex isn't as intriguing or appealing as it should or used to be. When I think of sex or sexual things I sort of get grossed out. Although I know I'm straight and I know I like women, I don't be seeming to find many or any women really attractive anymore. At my place of work, the majority of my coworkers are older than me. I hate the way they talk about relationships. One guy, whom I was actually starting to like, was talking about this girl who broke up with him a week ago. He said "I feel like soykaf, I feel like she was just using me to pass the time". And then he proceeded to go ask another coworker if they could 'put him on' with someone and that he wanted it to be 'temporary'. It disgusted me. It disgusted me to a point where I felt like I was better than him. There have been other cases like that but I feel this is kind of dragging on. Maybe theres something wrong with me and everybody else is normal and better than me because everytime I start thinking I like someone they pull some soykaf like that. I'm more and more starting to dislike like the idea of having sex, the idea of being in a relationship, or the idea of even having friends. Sorry if this is too much to read.

>>96235 A billionaire coup is nothing new. The government was already captured by billionaires over a century ago.

>>96237 humans are social and sexual creatures even if you abstain from social interaction or things of a sexual nature, it is still within the natural rhythm of the human being to do these things so you will likely end up engaging in it no matter what instead of excess, do moderation the point of what i'm saying is that all these things are just normal things that humans do. your body and mind will eventually need social interaction, and most likely as well things of a sexual nature unless perhaps you are on an intense religious ascetic mission such as a vow of chastity or the desire to seclude yourself in a cave away from civilization for years where your only friends are spiders and lizards

>>96238 Thigs are worse now and you know it. The president did a fuarrrking crypto scam his first day of office for fuarrrks sake.

>>96240 The people running things are just becoming more and more evil. They always had authoritarian control but they were unwilling to be this degenerate and provoke the masses so outrageously until recently. They joke about how its all a scam, fake and scripted as WWE, having trump be in a WWE wrestling match and hire a former WWE CEO as the secretary of education.

>>96241 >more and more evil I dunno man, Nero was pretty bad

Being gay in a post soviet Eastern European country makes me want to kill myself. My mom is the only person in this world who knows and if I ever even show any sort of support for pro-LGBTQ laws I'll just get mocked so bad at the point of losing friendships. Hate crimes happen almost weekly but the news channels never cover them, every openly gay guy that I've known in highschool got beaten up at least once and about every president was really homophobic, this year we almost had a literal nazi win the elections. fuarrrk me man

>>96240 Is a crypto scam supposed to motivate people to throw away their lives and "use their 2nd amendment" to commit to an insurgency in a heavily militarized surveillance state which regularly uses extra-legal force? Or is because of Renee Good, or Venezuela, or Epstein? How about YOU pick up a gun, if you are so righteous. Because if we don't cater to everything you want caring about our civil liberties evidently doesn't matter.

>>96249 Yes obviously if I bring up one thing it is the only thing I think is relevant. Obviously. >How about YOU pick up a gun, if you are so righteous. I'm just saying, if the whole point of all these guns was to protect them from an evil state, and that evil state is here and nobody's using them... what was the point?

The worst person I ever know personally and also, not a piece of soykaf, but a complete big uttershit is my fuarrrking stoner whiney-ass 2nd older brother. He's like the typical insufferable art-hoe but male; jeez imagine that! He does NOT do ANY fuarrrkING REAL contribution to this house or family! Only he does is whining & bitching every single fuarrrking time!; and instead of finding a solution by himself like a darn adult, he just blame others when he really fuarrrks up something and/or asks in the rudest accent possible to force anybody, specially my parents, to help him when he doesn't deserve almost any help from me or my parents because we always give him more than enough help what is necessary for him. He doesn't do any fuarrrking chores, he leaves dirty any stuff he grabs with his filthy hands and any room he stays long enough he left it like a stoner crackhouse mess. This fuarrrk always finishes the snacks and leaves almost empty the potable water (yep I'm South American, none will drink water directly from a faucet here) and other drinks because he's a lazy greedy fuarrrk always leaving soykaf ton of glasses and recipients and avoid to wash them for himself and leaving almost no drink to me. He's more than 30 and still asking money to my parents like a basic obligation. When my older sister left home because of marriage, she give me her room to me. However, that drug addict fuarrrk locks in there when he is going to sleep because his bed from his room is full of his soykaf artwork. This complete uttershit of person has the nerve to complain where his going to storage all his newart stuff when he has the largest room of the house and now he has more space because I used to share room with him when we were kids but now I'm in my another brother's room who he also left home to work as a medic in the Amazon. That one sibling is the one I used to get along even though I'm not too talkative/sociable; he was really annoying but at least he used to teach me cool stuff like a big bro. Now our fragmentized family it's now only my pre-Gen X-brained parents, that evil greedy asshole loser, and me... To be honest, I used to get along well with him too when we were children, but I'm not too sure what the hell happened. I started to despise him when he started high school and me still on elementary school. He inmediately had turned into the annoying whiney/bitchy edgy emo boy looking for problems who he is now (now anarcho-punkie or whatever lib soykaf instead of emo). I wish my darn parents have the will to kick his insufferable ass out. I don't care how he would whine how everyone in the world is "unfair" with him. KEK, I don't fuarrrking care (f)maggot, you are the first person that deserves to eat pure soykaf! to be honest, I really wish he was dead; that would be a great favor for my parents and, of course, for me. Thanks to that parasite, he is the one of the big reasons to blame for my developing of my OCD. If I had my own dictatorship, all the filthy degenerate brain-rotten stoners must their skulls be severely crushed as a public event!

I had sex for the first time in more than half a year and while at it an ad about a children's camp came up with the children talking about how nice it was, I was directly facing the TV and got to see all of it so for the rest of the session it felt like I was having sex with a fuarrrking child. I tried to think of reasonable excuses to stop it all the way through that weren't "hey, I was imagining having sex with a kid this whole time" but nothing came to mind, absolutely nothing. I wonder if she felt the same while hearing the voices of the kids. I'm never having sex ever again, I feel like everytime I will this memory will strike back and it will play itself over and over until I'm sterile due to old age

ten years after my first suicidal thought i still want to do it there have been ups and downs but i will never stop wanting to kill myself

>>96336 ok once again im sobbing like a bitch i probably won't check this thread again lainchan tends to ban me for no reason anyways i'm so tired bros

I wish I were trans. If you're terminally online, you either have to be a rightoid or trans in this day and age, and I'm not a rightoid... Being trans makes you a part of community by default, you don't even have to do anything else you just fit into this terminally online space. I will never be able to find a community where I feel at home online.

>>96341 Lurking really just isn't enough anymore, but nowhere I go feels right. I wish there was a cool techie place on the web that didn't suck. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places.

>>96325 >>96325 >using XXI TV as your background audio/video >ads >context ads? 1. your excuse was "not now, guys" 2. you've been reminded sex is a feature built for procreation (and you BAAAAAWWWWWWed... why?) 3. The Matrix wanted to take some action? 4. hahahaahha not keeping a personal mixtape in 2020s

>>96287 Fluttershy talking about Zephyr Breeze

>>96325 This is whats called an intrusive thought, I have OCD and suffer from stuff like this from time to time. I can't tell you you aren't a pxdo, because we're 2 anonymous people online who don't know each other, but I can tell you that situations like this happen all the time. Maybe look into it anon

>>95421 Every time I enter here I just feel too...Retarded. Everyone here knows so much about tech and software, I started learning about c++ and python since I was 14 or 15, then I dropped out highschool because I had to work on a blue collar job to feed my family. 4 or 3 years ago i've got interested on learning mathematics again, ended highschool and learned just the necesary to enter on the university, I've got surprised that a retard like me could understand things like derivative functions...Then when I had to do the admission exam i've got scared and I just run away because there was a lot of 18 y/o kids answering easily. I have no excuse but what would you do in my situation?, I think fear was natural too. Recently, let's say 1 year ago, I've got interested again on these things, I learned (again) how to code on python, SQL, how to make your own home database, how to make a cluster, then I found this place and lurked a lot, asked for some general thoughts on linux and never came back, everyone here was what I always wanted to be, someone with advanced knowledge on something they like. I'm currently learning data science and data analysis (online, paid with certification, not just by myself like everything else), know how to clean and transform data to make my own dataset, know how to use some LLM, even know how to use the (manual) calculations to RSS and R² step by step, and it looks like in the future I would know how to make my own AI model. It's funny because I just started to learn Data Science and AI because of neuro sama last year, I found funny to create something like that, and how can you do it. Like anything I said, it came naturally just because it felt fun and bring me joy... It sound contradictory that I feel like a retard yet I still coming here to keep lurking and reading a lot of info that I don't understand, I just wanted to say it to someone, I have these mixed feelings and it's my first time thinking about them. I always felt more stupid that all the people I knew because I had to work instead of finishing Highschool like a regular kid, then going to college like 80% of the people of my age that I know. Thanks for the space to vent that out, it was good, thank you again.

>>96376 Some of the best people I know are retarded. Hell, I am a director on a FOSS board and I'm a god's busiest chucklefuck. Just keep at it, mate. You're going to do good things if you don't give up!

>>96378 thanks anon, sometimes I feel very proud of what I have achieve, learning with these handicaps of being left behind in the knoledge curve because of my academic story, but then someone come to my life and say "Oh you didn't knew how to do that?" like i'm a retard...I hope to keep learning things here, I feel a great connection with almost everyone here on a ideological level, it's just like sometimes I see knoledge walls and I got scare because there is people who has amazing Degrees here and I...Well, i'm just trying. Thanks anyway, you motivated me just by reading it.

>>96382 To put it in the words of the bashful Andy Hunter, "Who can do what you can do easily?". Someone who can do something easily may mog you for it, but it tends to speak more of their personality rather than their skills.

>>96376 >Retarded You don't have to feel retarded. Your circumstances were out of your control and not reflective of your own abilities. I was "homeschooled" and my parents stopped teaching me after the 3rd grade. After that point, I was effectively left to my own devices. I didn't learn long division until 17. I had never stepped foot into a school setting until I was 18. My dream was to major in one of the most difficult engineering fields with the heaviest amount of math. When I took the placement test, I placed into Algebra I and it took me 6-7 hours to take a placement test that should've only taken an hour. In addition, I had never written an essay before, either. I think it took me 8 hours to complete the placement essay. The academic advisor was judgemental and derisive based on my scores and implied I did not have the aptitude for that degree. In about a year and a half, I self-taught myself to place into Calculus I. I took the first placement test and got a perfect score. I took the second placement test and scored very high and placed into Calculus I. However, because of my inadequate highschool documentation, I was only allowed to take Trigonometry. I tried to place out of trigonometry by taking the final exam for the class in front of the head of the math department but bombed it because the resources I used did not go into the same depth that the college course did. When I did actually take Trigonometry, my first math class in a formal setting, I had a perfect score in the class and did not make a 100 under any assignment. In pre-calculus I had over 100 average due to extra credit. In a 6-week Calculus I class, I nearly had a perfect final score in the class overall but missed half a point on the final exam. Throughout my math career, I never had below a 92 on any math test or assignment. The lowest overall average I had in a math class was a 97 average in Calculus II. I had all A's in Calculus I-III, Linear Algebra, and Differential Equations. I excelled and helped students who had spent the last 12 years in public school. I was the person that people went to for help. I had a perfect college GPA and eventually got admission to a tier 15 university for that major. (which I had to decline for financial reasons.) I spoke with many students who applied to the same institution as I did who had gone to school for all of 12 years and did not get in. I am now over half-way done with college and am excelling in classes that have high fail rates. My GPA is well above average. I am easily scoring 30-40 points above averages on exams. In addition to this, I had an internship where I excelled (most of my peers are struggling to get internships) and after-graduation opportunities were discussed. This is after being treated like I was a retard in my youth for having academic deficiencies brought upon by a neglectful upbringing. Had I listened to the advisor or all of those who belittled me in my teen years, I would never be where I was now. I believe you are well-capable, lainon. I still don't have a GED or a highschool diploma.

i'm so profoundly lonley. I can't even begin to express it in writing. I act positive and really better my life day in and day out but have found this deepens the hole I'm in. Nothing in life feels as if it scratches the surface of my being, its as if im walking through a tunnel surrounded by so much despair yet I still continue on and excel in spite of it. The deeper I go the more I feel isolated and its becoming impossible to alleviate it. I so desperately crave someone to enter my life and tear down the barriers though I also have such little faith and hope in that actually happening. I know it won't fix me, I know I won't change and I know it'll never go as I expect it however its the only light in this tunnel. I have a girl who's actively pursuing me but she's not the one. I don't feel anything when I'm with her and have told her as well but she persists. I don't what my ideal looks like and can't imagine she exists but if she does I wish I could hold her for even a moment. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm trying to learn to lean into my desires in hopes that it will help me. The problem is my desires are humble however so elusive. Sometimes I take a step or feel like taking a step and feel so repulsive to me. Common advice would tell me that I'll need to learn to deal with it and its part of the process but i'm also completely certain when its right it won't feel like that. Do I hate myself? Probably not. I love what I am now and feel that my screwed up mindset has led me to success. Now I just need that specific unknown person to tie it all together and complete my life. I'm sorry for writing in this format but I really want to convey my thoughts here in the hopes that someone can decipher them. I will just continue to live my life and forget all about this post. I've done so countless times before if not here then somewhere else.

>>96429 I felt very connected to your story because I do know what it is to have people around you that the only thing they are capable of do is to limit your potential until you believe it. It was hard especially when I was a teenager, having peers, adults, everyone saying that I could be "good" in anything else that don't involve to think, math, development on software... I'm not here to cry more, but to be grateful with you lainanon, your story resonated with mine, and gave me hope to keep moving forward to my goal, I just want to learn, to be that guy that knows something because he learned how it works, you don't need a book to make coffee because your mind knows exactly how to do it (if you did it everyday). As I said, i'm very happy with my fast learning on data science, last week I learned how to make even hand-made calculations on the RSS,TSS,R2,H0,B0 and B1, and even I do know how to make a Matrix transpose. My isolation to the world only makes that no one who ever thought I was retarded will ever know my real capabilities, but i'm not even mad or coping with that, i'm happy that after all I didn't give up, just like you, I'm just keep moving forward. Again, thanks a lot...Also, do you have any study method that you use to assimilate content? I mean, you just repeat one operation again and again until are adapted to do it without "effort" or you just study until you understand 100% of what you are seeing?

>>96431 Child, you are dying of thirst. We all came here alone and we also die alone, having a partner it's just having fun in the meantime, but the only one who can control your own mind it's you, and i'm going to be serious with what i'm going to say, but you have a precious, wonderful gift that is called soul and it's human. There is no fate nor destiny, only you and this experience we call being alive, touch or feel. And that is why you desperately crave someone to enter your life, because in the deepths of your soul, it's your choice to do that, it may sounds like "don't be sad, just be happy", so let me explain. All of our choices are made by pure energy, that energy are so strong that not even God can change it because he gave us what they call "free will", if he make our choices for us, we will be toys, not a sentient creation. Any hole and fill came from the inside, from the heart of the spirit of the human being, you can't fill a spirit hole with another soul that is not yours, sadly. As I said, you are dying of thirst, you need to fill the holes but you are not looking where you should, i'm not saying "seek God" even when I think Jesus is the the truth, the way and the life, but what i'm saying is try to find your spirit hole, try to reflect, meditate with this kind of perspective, develop a stronger human spirit in the way to find your own soul. If you do that, if you really work on that dimension of this experience we call being alive in a physical life, then you will be closer. It's not easy and we all fail from time to time, but the only thing that matters is that you are aware of your surroundings, there is no "perfect life" to live, but there is a "conscious life" out there, waiting for you. I send you a hug, and hope you have a great day today.

>>96432 >I'm not here to cry more, but to be grateful with you lainanon, your story resonated with mine, and gave me hope to keep moving forward to my goal, I just want to learn, to be that guy that knows something because he learned how it works, you don't need a book to make coffee because your mind knows exactly how to do it (if you did it everyday). I don't feel like that it is that way even with actual geniuses. I think a lot of is is exposure to a lot of pre-requisite content and concepts and kind of making logical inferences to figure out the answer to the new problem although you have no prior exposure to the new problem - you have a lot of exposure in related topics. >i'm happy that after all I didn't give up, just like you, I'm just keep moving forward. I really do think hard work and persistence are more important than talent. The guy who is "talented" but sits around doing nothing, will of course, achieve nothing. >Again, thanks a lot...Also, do you have any study method that you use to assimilate content? I mean, you just repeat one operation again and again until are adapted to do it without "effort" or you just study until you understand 100% of what you are seeing? It really depends on the course. However, in my major courses, it's a combination of approaches. I will watch the lecture. Attending office hours to ask clarifying questions is crucial. I always sit in the front of class and pretty much imagine like the professor is only teaching the class to me, and try to be an active participant as much as possible. For instance, I will try to solve the problem before the professor does. If slides are available, I will try to do all of the work on the slides before class. I also make sure to read the textbook before class and grind out a couple of problems before class. I ask the TA's for a lot of help. I will sit and work with other students and ask other students questions. I have my own study group where I will re-learn content by teaching other students (they say to teach is to learn twice. I don't think you truly understand it until you can teach it to someone else.) What I do is just sit down and grind a fuarrrkload of problems. If there is a problem I am stuck on, I will try to find a multitude of similar problems that are similar but in different ways. I will try to kind of hack together the reasoning used those problems to get the solution to the new problem. Another thing I do is watch multiple videos on the same concept for a thorough understanding. Sometimes, the way our professor explains our concept doesn't really make sense to me or fully click to me. However, some random guy on youtube's explanation might align more with my way of thinking, so it helps me understand the concept better. It is helpful to be exposed to one concept being taught multiple different ways. As for repeating one problem or one operation, as I have gotten into my higher level courses, rote memorization of techniques has become useless. Of course, there are still some "plug and chug" techniques, but it is really necessary to develop intuition and way of thinking by being exposed to a lot of problems of all types because the professors tend to be pretty harsh on grading and tend to throw a lot of curveballs. As for "100% understanding," even if you understand a concept completely, it doesn't mean that you will be able to solve problems seamlessly. Like playing an instrument, you can know everything about it, and you can even read sheet music. But you can't play well unless you practice it. Sometimes, if all else fails, I just take a step back and do something else. Sometimes, it really takes time for one to digest information and a concept to "click." At some point, after taking time away from it, it will suddenly start to make sense, and I'll start seeing a lot of connections, and I will have understood the concept. Otherwise, I am happy to hear your progress in self-study, and I hope you continue to go further and not let anyone undermine you.

>>96444 Same lainon here. Also, for any STEM major, I seriously recommend the book, "How to Solve It" by George Polya. I really found that although it was a book intended for people interested in higher level math, I found it was useful for all sorts of other problem solving. I also felt like it advanced my reasoning abilities in general.

There's just no point in continuing anymore. Approaching late 20s with no social circle, online friends and communities don't do it anymore. There's just nothing to left for me to do.

I am tired, lains. Turn 30 this year. I've been in mental health treatment since age 14. I've done all sorts of therapy and tried every class of psychiatric medication and nothing works. Don't want to be overly dramatic but I don't know how much longer I can keep trying. I have autism, ADHD, bipolar 2, generalized anxiety disorder. I also struggle with dp/dr and trauma from my childhood, although I do not have PTSD. Not really looking for advice or sympathy, just need to shout into the void. I hope all is well with you, friends.

>>96454 can I send you a hug man?

I love ECM. anyway, I will change. This is unacceptable. Nothing coherent comes out from the way I've been dealing with everything for like past 5 years. I dropped out of highschool, only to fail college entrance last year. I've been stuck in my home with my family. Occasional schedules outside did nothing to me in part because I did not believe in. I don't even communicate with people online. No friends. Not even a deep memory of similar kind. Something probably amounted up from all those times that I wasted away. I've been passionate about Emacs for a long time. But really, it's a piece of software that is used only for irrational reason and I wasn't, great at that. I'm not even proficient at programming and linux. I've been letting my fuarrrking horrible self-consciousness and perfectionism to leave rot my ability to read watch and listen to soykaf to get something other than just pleasure. And I swear, there was some privacy schizo blog that I stumbled upon when I was like 14. That's probably the only thing I can confidently say to have ruined my life. So what's the escape plan? I have to study to try again for entrance. But god I don't know what should do to fill this void that I can't cope with any longer. I fuarrrking hate discord. Why should I memorize these little pictures and slurs. I don't even play vidya. What should I do. I thought I had plan, but I can't remember what it was now... It's better to think about what I shouldn't do...

lainbros, life got finally hard. my CV is total trash, nobody hires me for work. I could take a total min wage slave job and pretend to be a normal person while other normal people with only slightly better jobs will look down on me. nay, this is not the life for me. but a job is so out of reach by now. I am only left with crime now.

I'm thinking about going to a club, there's this club in the city that plays kinda experimental but also danceable electronic music. But I've never been to such a place before. I've never danced around people and I don't know if I could handle it. I think it will be too overwhelming and I'll just freeze? I don't know. Maybe I don't have to dance. But I need to do something, I need to go out... somewhere. I just don't care anymore even if I embarrass myself I have nothing to lose at this point, I'm so lonely that anything is better than sitting in my room. I can't continue like this anymore.

>>96534 it's just a big room with loud music, lain. don't take it too seriously

>>96534 fuarrrk nightclubs. They are full of degenerates dancing to loud nigger music. I wouldn't go to one because they are full of hypersocial people, and I don't think that that is my kind of company. I'd rather go to a book club meetup or something like that, or a meetup geared to a more niche hobby. Also, check your local library for meetups. They usually have soykaf like writing, gardening - stuff with a low barrier to entry. I think that'd be way better.

>>96536 Well, this club is different. You can even play chess there.

>>96537 Actually, that's interesting, I take back what I say (partially.) Is it more of an "introverted" type space?

>am BROKE >want to play fuarrrking subnautica or whatever >torrent >but surprise i actually care about anonymity >how the fuarrrk am i gonna torrent anonymously? >no VPN >no fuarrrking seedbox >nothing >ok >spend an hour hunting down nonexistent open hosted folders on archive.org/odcrawler/darknet >ok fuarrrk torrent it is >anonymously of course >i2p maybe? >install i2p >run it >oh wait, i need to open ports >i need to... open incoming ports?? >certainly fuarrrking not >i am opening maybe ONE outgoing and that's it >i2p doesn't work >waste some more time stumbling around through IPFS search engines (nothing of course) >ok fuarrrk it i guess i try tribler? >same exact soykaf >turns out i trust it even less than i2p (which is saying something considering i2p just shouts your IP to everyone else that ever used the service) >config is inscrutable >doesn't work >OK I'LL TORRENT OVER TOR THEN >no torrent client works with tor >even though i set the settings nothing moves >i think it's trying to bind to the ports i point it at instead of using the tor service on it? at least aria2c acts like it >nothing fuarrrking works >try coding my own fuarrrking python torrenting client >fiddle with pip for hours >nothing works ever and i just can't figure out why >i want to fuarrrking kms >end up consumed with rage at 3AM and can't sleep i want to deglove my nuts

Torrents are UDP. tor is TCP only. That's a stone wall you're cracking your head against. That route just won't work for you. If you want to make this more of a learning experience, consider what you could have done during troubleshooting to discover this core issue sooner. Not a real piracy type guy so I can't help you with more than that. I guess you could choose a vpn that you trust that has a free trial option. IIRC I've embraced airvpn's hospitality before.

>>96541 >That's a stone wall you're cracking your head against i'd deserve it. and i'd honestly rather go direct connection with torrenting over using a VPN-not-tor. the difference is either you trust the state/isp company/laws in place or a single opaque company which can do anything at all and you'd be none the wiser. anyways, i'm tired, i'm done with all this.

>>96540 this is the perfect microcosm of why power users are not experts

>>96543 did i ever pretend to be one? cunt, i just wanna play vidya. my life is like kicking dead whales down the beach and i would like to have fun. i'm stuck playing the same 2 ravenfield maps on loop, this is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>96544 then go peruse fmhy or the piracy subreddit for a direct download instead of jerking yourself off greentexing about software you don't know how to use you fuarrrking troglodyte

>>96538 I don't know. It's not advertised as such. I just saw some pictures of people playing chess there. Which I guess is not normal for a club.

>>96540 If you won't get into trouble due to your country outlawing piracy, just torrent normally. If you will get into trouble, either buy a vpn or download from clearnet mirror over tor. (not torrent) It's pretty cool that you started making your own torrent client before consulting a search engine. If things don't work out, one really has to calm down and understand what they are trying to do before continuing. Otherwise you get stuck in berserker bruteforce script-kiddy hell sometimes.

>>96545 a redditor is insulting me... hmm...

>>96548 how tarded are you? maybe its time to give up your l33t h4ck3r delusions and realize that if your baboon brain is incapable of basic internet literacy you should probably stick to the normal person web a bit first before graduating to this site or stick to dustbowl, the best ravenfield map

>>96549 wah wah wah, go bother someone else o grand king of nothing.

>>96546 Sounds interesting. Is there anything else different about the club compared to normal clubs? If you are insistent, you might try going but kind of getting a feel for things. I don't think there's much to think or worry about. I don't think I'd ever go to a club, myself, personally because it's probably just a bunch of norms talking about vapid crap like relationships or instagram or something like that. I don't even know why they go or what they do other than dance. If I wanted to dance, I'd play some touhou music over my speakers and start dancing like an autist, alone. If I wanted some interaction, I'd soykafpost on imageboards afterwards.

i hate how regularly sex predator allegations are thrown around, especially among / towards trans people. whats worse is how most of the people i see spreading these allegations have been groomed and will absolutely try to help their groomers find more victims, while looking for more innocents to blame for their predatory behavior.

>>96554 is this Protect trans kids speaking?

I realized the asmr artist I was getting a crush on is barely 20 and it would be entirely inappropriate for me to have that sort of feeling for her irl. Not that I had any intent to do anything with those feelings, but still it feels weird. And on top of that I'm getting kinda envious that she seems to have her life far more in hand than me, despite being a decade younger. By which I mean she has fully transitioned while I'm barely starting. I really ought to focus on the art side and ignore the parasocial aspect. Which I already knew because I went through this cycle at least twice before.

>>96540 i can't even find repacks.

Left college for depression, I'm sitting alone in my room in my parents' house now fighting opioid withdrawals with beer. I could cop more drugs by an hour from now but idegaf anymore. Intentionally left behind my laptop with all my logins etc because I thought it would motivate me to focus on the things I need to do, regretting it now. I have no close frens no one to talk to so posting here. In the start of my mid 20s. I'm a total fuarrrking bum but my brain chemistry is unimaginably fuarrrked, hard to hope my life will improve a ton from here

>>96583 >on the things I need to do like what?

>>96583 It's always possible anon, you talk about brain chemistry but you are not your flesh, the astral healers such as Raph can do fuarrrking anything Just don't fuarrrk yourself any further and be kind to yourself, sometimes life is hard and all the more honor for you to fight it.

People here really fuarrrk up when they think of computers as relating to personal expression instead of tools of the most brutal international finance and military regimes. Spit with the wind. Expressionism without power is meaningless.

>>96249 The appropiate response its not the use of the 2nd ammendment, its literally nuclear war, thats why everyone does nothing. All of them is literally agaisnt the wall, they subconsciously know if they fuarrrk up, a Fallout update comes down throught all their lifes. That... and also because the most probable outcome is that these assholes survive the nuclear war inside their bunkers. So, yeah, currently all of the, is waiting for the right moment.

Had my first kiss today with a female. It felt like nothing. She said she really liked it. My preconceptions about the romantic nature of kissing are crushed. In the end you cannot really kiss a person you like, you kiss just their bodily shell. Go touch any other solid object with your lips, it's the same. I kissed her lips, kissed her neck. It's crude and materialistic. You cannot kiss a person's heart. It will always be just a derivative function.

I'm lost in a sea of self-delusion, impotent rage and suicidal ideation. I give myself another five years before the weight of it all comes crashing down on me and I implode. But hey, I'm sure someone out there will find it funny.

>>96621 but through tending to their flesh in an emotionally expressing way you may reach their soul, you're at the essential distinction in fuarrrk vs make love

>>96622 >But hey, I'm sure someone out there will find it funny. Ah. Be a stoic clown just like I am instead and maybe youll get a new role - a comfier one. >>96501 1. google "how to use AI to make my CV look good" 2. Ctrl+s some soykaf that doesn't look like it is like kicking dead whales down the beach 3. Print 4-6 snippets from those guides, glue them to 1 A3 cardboard sheet 4. Start probing this AI or that AI to make you a CV answering that AI's questions on how you got some life experience here or there 5. ?????? 6. PROFIT 7. hide powerlevel at all costs - wipe whatever soykaf you have in your social media to save yourself from uncomfy real-time questions

>>96369 SAVE ME YOTSUBA >>96454 >void >Not really looking for advice or sympathy, just need to shout into the void. Oh no no no I have my experience to share in hopes youll get better too! Idea: got comfy at your home! Examples of things that may help you include: * white noise generator (to drown out the city noise), ** special comfy soft blindfold, ear plugs, * special traps against mosquitoes also * air humidifier (your skin may itch if the air's too dry. Mide DID itch a lot) / air washer, * blackout curtain, * orthopedic matress. ** Or just a maress if you sleep of a couch and not a proper bed ** Get a larger pillow if you're a big guy, * In case you feel a bit too hot too sleep: aha! I had the same! Try a thinner blanket (did help a lot!) ** Or vice versa, get a duvet if it's too cold to sleep in just pajamas Funny additional idea: And a <s>bear kigurumi</s> proper bodysuit pajama as a proper way to avoid getting your sides - your kidneys - cold once you switch from a thick wooly *duvet* to a thinner basic blanket Expected result: Either you'll get slightly better from finding some comfort or you'll get noticeably better via resolving some of your ''major contributing factors'' Bottom line: can you tell your guardians to, you know, make your room more standard?

>like kicking dead whales down the beach why do you like that phrase so much?

>>95620 Inertia. >stop being a rowdy emotional teen at around 19 >"I'm not depressed anymore! See? I'm not sick. No more pills no more visits no more fights" >start pleasing everyone >start hiding everything as best as I can >never fight for what I want since I do not know what I want >never stand my ground >do what my parents want; what my friends want; what my girlfriend wants >be the most normal normal guy with the most normal normal-est hobbies and ideas and looks and emotions >keep it up as long as I can hide in my room and be who I think I am at night >no more room (normalabomination cursus honorum has reached the "go away from parents house" stage) = no more being a pretend-NEET in my alone time = no more reason to fight the tedium >figure out living living like this is getting more and more tedious and painful and souldraining >get stuck in a cycle of "i figured it out" and "i didn't really figure it out; let's restart THINKING about, not DOING anything" >can't get out because I became to much of a weak willed pussy to choose something by myself and hurt others Some kind anon on this board has already helped me, but it didn't really work out (since I didn't really try). This is the hole I've dug for myself and I'll lay in it until I rot away, hurting everyone in the process.

>>96646 What do you think about the current state of the world?

>>96647 >>96647 ok, idea subscribe to random (literally. Roll a dice kind of random) AIs to draw haha funny stuff. Once busted, say youve been merely exploring the world of the neural 1. Telegram X >>> look up "gigachat" 2. Anitoon 3. Nano Banana 4. NovelAI 5. Just ask Grok 6. Reroll

>>96118 SCADA, driver writing, automation as serving industry-grade machines... ...see, you still can learn how to grok some algorithms for, say, Schneider/Danfoss/Mitsubishi Electric/Allen-Bradley stuff. Stuff where humanitarian-minded soi soi soi roflcopters like myself wouldn't be allowed to no matter how good my prompts are. All while anons who can actually PROGRAM and be responsible enough to feel the industrial seriousness of things WILL still be needed for a decade or two.

>>96628 I don't know, in the end it's just touching the reactive and sensitive parts. It's material. She likes these simple things so much though, it appears so silly to me. but I'm glad it's so simple to please a woman.

There are too many things to do. At the same time, sometimes there's absolutely nothing to do. Maybe the solution is to write the things to do down. But when I did that the last time, they "disappeared". Now, did I do the things I wanted to do, even if there were an overwhelming amount? Did I cross the unimportant stuff out, even if it seemed important before? Is the importance of things based on my emotional state? So if I'm disciplined, there's not much to do, and if i'm all over the place, there's a lot to do? Does anything get done or nothing get done? Or both, or none? Dafuq is a "meaning"? @_@_@_@_@_@_@

>>96670 That living is kicking dead whales up a mountain.

>>96118 >>96672 All these areas are not of the domain of computer science however, they are for electrical engineering. I pivoted from CS to EE myself. Well, I think there's a better career outlook at any rate.

haven't been able to get a job, so as a side hustle I've been disassembling lots of old VHS players and collecting all the copper from the power transformers and sell it all to a junk metal place. quite a laborious undertaking. minimum wage-wise it's not even worth it really, when an hour's worth of work yields a couple cents, with good luck maybe a bit more if you come across one of those older models that were designed to last a millennia and they seemingly spared no expense. I've now exhausted my stash of VHS's and I don't know what I should do next. I've heard people are answering questionnaires and playing freemium-trial games or something like that in order to make money, but I really don't know about that... even begging for handouts sounds better than that.

I was excited about moving out for the first time but just noticed 2 of the devs on my team are gone. Their company gitlab accounts are removed and I don't know what this means for me. Am I next? My contract ends in 3 months and I'm not sure they will extend anymore. I don't know if I should wait before moving out. It's like when things are going well it has to peak and then come back down to complete soykaf for maximum suffering.

my girlfriend who is the love of my life has been enganging in self harm and i have no idea how to really handle it. she doesn't really hide the scars and i talked to her about it and she told me there's nothing i can do it. it's giving me triggers and the urge to relaspe on it, but i don't want to tell her that and make her feel worse.

>>96677 They're called VCRs, and you might consider refurbishing and selling them instead​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Being neurodivergent in a socially collectivist country is a nightmare. There's no way to survive, if I try to blend in I end up attempting suicide. It's all too much. Whenever I hear about all the people who make stuff I like, they're all similarily weird and I relate a lot. So as a kid when I learned about these people, who actually exist in this world. It made me feel less alone and I thought hey if they can survive and make it maybe I can too.... right? Well, no. These people are like me, yes but they have their own little group of friends, people who are like them and they're being weird together and that's how they survive. In a collectivist society you can't find such people. It's a death sentence.

>>96691 Give her hug and tell her to talk to you about her feelings. They will be painful and might even be hurtful to hear. That's because she still wants to harm but there are better outlets for it. Worst case scenario, you can take some kratom when the feeling comes on.

>>96695 Collectivism is the root of all evil as ayn rand once said, it is the manifestation of lazyness, weakness, stupidity and most of all arrogance. Me and my friends also suffer from under collectivist idiocy and constantly complain about it, we hate them and only laugh at their misfortune. I understand the elites and condone all their actions seeing as they have the same hatred and despise brought on by these very collectivists, they use the arrogant idiocy by the collectivist fools against themselfs. The trick is not to resist, but to disguise themselfs as one of them and poison them then drive them down a cliff while turning back the last minute to watch them all fall. They cant think or act for themselfs, the trick is to herd them into self destructive paths from which they cannot escape and entrap them in their own lies and make them devour one another. Im so glad the world economic friends and co take care of the situation so swiftly and effectively and the sheeple keep running back towards them to get more poison, only because want to suckup to powerful people since they have none and neither the brains or guts to handle it. Most of the day i spend my time thinking about how to get one back at the conformist normgroids and what a soykafty world we live in, people could fix so easly but instead they keep throwing around trash that could be used for all sorts of things, its driving me nuts.

>>96702 Um, I was talking about social collectivism, not econonomical. Not sure if they're intertwined or why you brough up Ayn Rand at all.

>>96702 Watch out with that edge of yours. If you aren't careful you might cut yourself with it.

i've no clue how to better myself and everything seems useless

don't know what do or feel anymore i have a pretty nice life for being 18, got my own place, car, full time well paying job. a girlfriend who i love more than anything. but i feel worthless and still depressed most of the time, i'm on ssri's which are helping a bit. i have reoccuring temptations to self harm. i want to smoke opium again

At what point in live do people start to respect you? It feels like it s never coming

It's strange that I consistently rank last in every semester and every subject, despite my hard work. I graduated and enrolled in a PhD program, but I didn't receive any funding because I ranked last on the entrance exam. I believe the exams are the reason for my failure. I don't understand how someone who wrote three high-quality research papers during their undergraduate studies, each with numerous citations, a patent, and made a small but reasonably popular free software package, could have such a poor academic record. It's truly baffling. I still haven't begun my PhD. I will work harder, but I don't know if I'm simply not qualified for a PhD or if there's something wrong with the system.

>>96845 >I didn't receive any funding please don't do a PhD without funding. You will throw away so much money. > I don't understand how someone who wrote three high-quality research papers during their undergraduate studies, each with numerous citations, a patent, and made a small but reasonably popular free software package, could have such a poor academic record. sounds like you have high expertise in whatever the specific things are that you did research on / programmed, but poor generalist skills and fundamentals that are expected of people in your academic discipline. (NOTE: the 'generalist skills and fundamentals' expected of someone in *academic* CS are very different from those expected of someone in *industry* CS)

>>95421 I can't stop eating soykaf. I'm not fat but I feel disgusting and unhealthy. I had success a couple years ago and lost 40lbs by severely under eating for a few months but idk where to find the willpower to do that again. I want to, but then I end up eating more soykaf. I just want to feel normal again. I can't fit in pants that were loose on me a year ago. I'm recently sedentary for work and it just compounded everything.

I'm convinced I have adhd. People always teased me for spacing out, cutting them off, forgetting where everything is, etc. since I was a kid but I met too many airheads who claimed adhd or clean-freaks who claimed ocd to ever take it seriously. I don't remember what prompted my research but I finally looked into it and I have all the telltale signs. It explains my life too well to not be true. I read about others' experiences and it hit so close to home it made me emotional. I don't think I want meds and I don't care about a diagnosis for myself, but I feel like I can't tell anyone because they'll see me as one of those people I mentioned. So I keep it to myself and am venting here. to be honest I always thought a lot of mental disorders were just pathologizing personality differences - and I still think that is somewhat true - but discovering that my everyday experience is actually not normal at all has made me rethink everything. I feel lonely over this. I'm learning methods to cope so I can keep up with my work but no one else I know deals with this and I don't feel like I am able to talk about it with anyone. That's it. Goodnight frens.

>>96848 Sleep well fren, hope youll find your ways to go around the obstacles life gave you. Also, give a "digital adhd" theory a shot and try spending less time on the Wired for a month or two. Bonus points for a speaker full of your music/a mixtape/some radio to give you the background audio distractor

I'm struggling to maintain any desires in life. I don't want to live, I don't want to die, I don't want to work, I don't (truly) enjoy any hobbies and generally feel empty. I still go to work, have a nice job, go to the gym which truthfully is my only real escape from the numbness. I like to say I operate on duty; why do I work? because it's my duty to society and my future self, why do I go to the gym? It's my duty to myself to be in good shape and I have nothing better to do with my life. I hate to play the blame game but I just think it's more so a product of my society where everyone is closed off. I am friendly with people, people like talking to me however I can never get beyond anything surface level. I crave real intimacy and connection, not in a sexual way exactly but really just want to feel heard and cared for I guess. I'm the very definition of an emotional recluse and although I don't fear emotional connection I can just never let people in. I'm someone who thinks deeply about things, likes to read literature, enjoys politics, read philosophy and especially religion but outside of my few good friends who I know are also on the same wavelength I just can't speak about it. We may talk about things like the gym, sports, current events or other superficial things however I go my whole week without ever really being heard by anyone and I guess it kind of makes me sad to be honest. Case in point there's a couple of co-workers near my age who are into similar things. Among the 3 of them (hired as same bunch), 2 are socially inept and I have to force the conversation. The third is a girl who has a lot in common with me and is open when I talk to her however puts in no effort herself to ever inquire about me. It's strange because I feel like I'm forcing it so have pretty much ruled her out too, which is a shame because she's also quite cute. But I guess on the other end of the spectrum I had a girl pursuing me in the past for a couple years however I never really felt that true connection and shut it down despite her insistence. Now I'm talking to another girl I've met online and we have nice convos daily about how our day is going and I genuinely love talking to her but I feel like I can't truly date her due to cultural differences and with my wish-washy temperament and lack of desire I would never know if she's worth bending backwards to be together with. I guess this ended up being somewhat relationship focused however my issue still lies outside of that. I just can't open up to anyone and I so desperately crave connection, romantic is honestly somewhat easier in terms of developing that intimate connection but even a friend who's deeply interested in similar subjects. But then again I myself am unsure if I'm interested in things in that manner so even that is off the table. Before anyone else on here says it, I'm aware that I am likely depressed and am considering going to a therapist to discuss some of these issues. But deep down a part of me relishes in that depression and finds it a core element of who I am as a person and it's a huge part of what got me to where I am. Reading literature I've even learned to love that side of me and have almost come to terms with it as just another part of the human condition but the deep sense of loneliness eats at me day by day. I love coming here to vent, feels great to get stuff off my chest. Would be curious to hear what you lainons think about all of this and like I said I feel like it's very much society which got me here though I hold no spite towards it at all.

>>96856 > sociable, has good friends who are into the same subjects, good job, good health As far as the world is concerned, you have everything lainon. You say you are religious - maybe what is missing is prayer. Christ needed less prayer than anyone, yet was in prayer himself more than anyone. Everything we have is a means, fren, but he is the end that gives it all meaning. Ask him for strength, and use your gifts to serve others. > rejected a relationship for lack of connection Intimacy comes with time lainon, and sometimes a lot of it. It sounds like you really do want the relational intimacy of a wife. You should pursue that if you find a girl who is good for you. I've been married 6 years now: eventually marriage is just normal, in the best sense possible. Emotions wax and wane, some times are fun and some times are hard, but if you're both committed then the intimacy remains. Some people go their whole lives chasing a special connection that falls into their lap, but that special connection can be grown with the right seeds. Find a girl you're attracted to who is good and committed and who can be trusted with anything. Have a family. I'm not trying to make it sound simple and easy, fren. I'm in a depressive episode right now too. But feelings are beautiful and fickle, and life is well-spent training your heart to be content and to genuinely enjoy who and what you actually have. > society got me here You have everything you need, fren. I hope this helps in some way. I will pray for you

>>96860 appreciate the advice. Honestly I view things through a similar lens which you do and am grateful and hopeful for the future. >feelings are beautiful and fickle this is somewhat the issue im facing though, I am very emotionally disconnected and have really internalized this concept through life. Nothing in particular led me here however now I just desire the end but feel like I'm not equipped with the means to get there if that makes sense. I know its something I can work on and have undoubtedly improved over the years but fundamentally this is something which I feel should be impulsive rather than a logical problem. >religion in regards to religion I guess I should mention I'm not christian however have deep respect for the faith. My problem is a common one I think but it's regarding truly submitting myself to faith, and although I'd love to and truly desire to do so I just can't commit. Small acts of faith I try to do in day to day but it always feels like something is missing and thinking about it now perhaps my two problems are related.

>>96861 > this is something I feel should be impulsive rather than a logical problem. It's a bit of both. Impulse is emotion, but emotions can be understood and guided. When something is good, reflect on its goodness and beauty, and when something is bad, reflect on its tragedy and ugliness. Your emotions will begin to reflect these things, even if it takes a long time. I can only speak from my own experience, but when I feel unsatisfied in my marriage or a friendship, reflecting on its goodness and beauty and wholesomeness arouses my love for the other person. When I am confronted by someone for a way in which I've wronged them, I feel remorse as I reflect on the pain or indignity I've caused. When I don't reflect, my emotions can deceive me about the state of my marriage, or justify my wrongs. > Faith He came for the weary and the burdened, lainon. Every word of the scriptures is spoken by Christ, only listen to his voice. If you know he is God in flesh, dead and risen, and coming to bring the dead to life, your faith is only small, not dead. He will be strong for you when you are hopelessly weak. "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I'm just another lainon in the wired. You don't have to listen to me. But maybe you can hear his voice.

I find myself disgusted with humans. All nature seems to be beautiful, even the very strange looking creatures. Spiders, insects, crabs, flies, mites, etc., all have a type of beauty to them, but people? They seem to be diseased... I wonder if it's always been like this. Historically, say 3,000 years ago, were the majority of a populous this horrific looking? Is it a modern symptom, of the bizarre way citizens now live. Obese citizens complaining about walking... something has gone terribly wrong... people aren't people anymore. They're sick. I'm no exception to this observation. Even animals in cities look diseased compared to their wild cousins.

>>96864 >emotions can be understood and guided. honestly this might be one of the most useful pieces of advice i've ever received. I'll try to put it in practice and try to reconnect with that part of myself. Reflecting on it now my mind is a bit of an echo chamber and this sounds like it might just be enough to help me feel that which i've lost. > your faith is only small this also rings quite true. I've always felt that faith is something which cannot be forced upon a person and feelings and connection have to arise from within. I will keep trying and pray that I am able to open my soul to god's grace

>>96867 A somewhat recently published book called "humans are not from earth" by biology doctor ellis silver unearths some highly interesting findings. Such as human teeth and digestion being designed for plants, but the body still requiring proteins, often required from meat which actually is damaging to us and rare fish oils such as dht being required. Also while the human teeth are for eating plants, the skull and eyes is actually for hunting, the hypothesis is that humans are predatory towards other humans naturally, which also coincides with a earlier biological hypothesis that human penis is shaped in a fashion to scoop out semen of competitors. There are also other interesting facts such as all animal life on earth having a membrane in the eyes to shield harmful radiation from the sun, africa has the highest rate of blindness and also skin cancer, which in many ways contradicts the whole theory of human origin being from africa. Whats more interesting the so called junk dna is now referred to as alien dna since no single link to any organism could be found, the complexity of which cannot be explained trough cross contamination, epi genetics or any other kind of random mutation. I share your views, i never liked the human form, it always disgusted me, it never seemed fitting or appealing, it always stood out to me as unnatural and broken even in its most prestine form the most "beatiful" persons in the world seemed ugly to me compared to average animals. Obviously nowdays people have become a whole lot worse and broken unaesthetic monstrosities, but i cant see how even in its most optimal form the human fits in to anything. When we look at human history and culture it seems things only changed superficially. I started reading this book about how to restore your body and the author mentions the cause of all human problems is the use of high yield crops, everything else followed, he referred to it as "the grand mistake". I think we have come full circle by now to realize how badly we screwed up and now have to face the music. There still is a way to turn the ship around i think, but its gonna require major changes that most of mankind is unwilling to do, like it or not one way or the other we will go trough one of the largest ecological changes on this planet ever.

>>96228 I started to become interested about the assexuality sometime ago. I spend almost all my life without think about the sexual act. When I started to think more about it, the thought of sex made me feel disgusted. I was wondering if I was the only person who feel that way. I don't thought I will ever have sex because of it, but sometimes I still wonder how sexual pleasure make you feel like. It's more curiosity than lust itself. I tried to masturbate many times, but I'm not a imaginative person (aphantasia) and for some reason, my mind was always empty when I tried. I've never watched porn in my life. Anyway, the tries always made me feel ashamed of myself. I didn't have any personal bad experience with the opposite sex who could make me feel uneasy about a relationship with a person from that sex, and I'm also not homossexual. I think my actual situation is motivated by something I like to call 'sexual inertia'. I don't have reasons to have sex, I don't have anyone to have sex with, and even if I had, I don't have the ways to make it reality. And I personally don't feel sexual drive. So, all this reasons culminate on my actual situation. This is not a thing that bring me sadness, and I'm totally fine with it. I decided dedicate my time to improve myself, intelectually. And I say intellectually because I despise the flesh, for some reason I don't know. Maybe this is the core reason of my assexuality. I appreciate text with people and post on forums because I feel that the writed communication is the abstraction of communication. Everything that isn't essencial just go to the trash. Voice intonations, facial expressions, all this stuff fades and we have just the core of the communication, the words, and thus the ideas themselves.

>>96882 i don't mean to detract from your deep musings which are noble but i would like to remind you that sex and love can be the same thing but it can also be separate. you may not be a very sexually inclined individual but you may very well fall in love eventually.

>>96883 Yes, yes, I know it. I feel I'm specially susceptible to love. But in the most of cases, sex and love are pretty close to each other. People usually call sexual desire 'love'.

>>96882 There are a lot of opportunities for those without sexual desire. I think there is much to love about our bodies - it allows us to embrace one another, to feel the cool wind over the water, to see everything beautiful in this world. We use them to help those who need us. You can do something extraordinary if you devote yourself to it lainon. Certainly don't feel pressure to abuse your body just because it is a normalized vice. It's not good for anyone and you don't even desire it. That's freedom.

>>96888 Thanks for your kind words, lainon.

I am a subhuman that never should had to be born, and the only right thing that i can do is to kill myself. I am an autistic trash who is close to being 24 but is still in college (in my third attempt after 2 dropouts), still in the second semester in a new career (cs) that now is a dead end thanks to AI, and that I'm not interested in continue. I'm not interested in nothing actually, i did nothing for years in my hikikomori years besides thinking in killing myself but i still ended up living anyways, im not interested on having any other day but I still wake up every day. When i see any people; other lainons there, my family, my school acquaintances, or basically any randomly selected human. i see how much they did, how much they do and how little I have to show. I was born without energy, i never did anything because i lacked that drive needed to do something. I lack of any inner fire, and the only magnetism i feel is repulsion. i have the soul of a baby that was designated to be aborted, but unfortunately had to live. Some day i will finally kill myself and that will be the best day of my life. And before anybody says anything, i am medicated and has been in therapy for a decade.

>>96907 brothah, are you enlightened?

>>96907 >I am an autistic trash who is close to being 24 but is still in college (in my third attempt after 2 dropouts) I happen to be a quadruple college dropou and a literal warehouse worker. Somehow, my "lainpilled"-like traits (lacked healthy food availability; sugary coffee access without proper warning; family is really far from healthy family dynamic) *LANDED* me a good solo warehouse job OK?

>>96909 any job ye work is worth its salt in virtue no matter how lowly...take pride in your labor, lad

>>96907 go to the woods for one week, lainon. bring enough food and water so you don't have to worry. No tech. No people. Just you and the trees and the rocks and the water. You have nothing to lose.

>>96907 i hesitate to talk about it cause im kinda scared my advice would mess someone up, but as a long term hikkimori that eventually recovered - therapy made things worse. the biggest thing that helped was doing random manual labor jobs and wandering on my bicycle. sure talk to people, but to be honest the best people to talk to aren't therapist and a lot of what helps isn't even talking directly about your probelms i refused to take medications or be hospitalized, and stopped talking to the therapist because it was making me feel worthless. like i could sense they didn't think i was worth fixing. part of me goes back and forth on whether that was me being unwell and paranoid or if therapy actually is just destructive for a large portion of people, and i keep being convinced it's the latter.

>>96952 >I hesitate because I'm scared my advice would mess someone up this is your brain on pro therapy propaganda

I would be really mad if this post did not work

Ugh, I think I am getting old. In my 30s Philosophical matters do not interest me anymore. I do not feel like discovering the world anymore either, like other places and cultures. I don't feel like trying hallucinogenic drugs anymore. I just want to live in a hut near the beach and sip beer without getting fat. A simple and dull life. Enjoy the breeze. Alas, beer does make me fat fast (due to age also). Alcohol in general isn't as satisfying as it used to be when I was younger. Inb4: weed - makes me feel depressed. Working out is mandatory as well nowadays. I only feel okay if I workout regularly. All my hobbies I consider lame too now because most hobbies involve consumption, and I'm kinda poor. Due to getting older, I have also accepted that I will remain poor. So I dislike most hobbies now. So I am left with working out and drinking tea. And I consider this good as most people my age can't even stick to that. I'm doing better than my peers physically. But what really worries me is the mental demotivation that creeps into my life slowly.

Theres a cute guy who goes to the same college class as me, however theres this girl thats with him every day so i assume hes taken. I dont even know if he likes guys and i have horrible luck when it comes to that. So far every guy i fell for was straight, like not even into femboys straight. It also looks like all the socializing progress i made in highschool got wiped out and im back to being a shy fuarrrking retard so i didnt strike up a conversation any of the times i couldve done it. Im pissed and to add insult to injury hes really fuarrrking cute. At this point i cant focus on lectures because i think of him. If hes in the room ill sometimes space out all of a sudden and start fantasising about him and seething at myself for being too much of a pussy retard. I cant fuarrrking take it. I feel like a pathetic creep when i write this but i have to get it out of my system. fuarrrk. why are all the cute guys except me straight.

>>97005 have you thought about quitting being a homosexual

>>97006 What by becoming trans?

>>97019 If calling yourself trans is the only way that you a man can twist yourself into pursuing women then IDK what to tell you but have you considered suicide?

>>97021 how about you soyicide (soy suicide)

i keep trying to make a post here about stuff going on in my life but a lot of it involves girls who are my roomates and friends and I already know that instantly sends some people here over the edge. Weirdly though finally I have arrived at something devoid of personal relations for this board because somehow all this drama and balancing different relationships and seeing people close to me hurt so causally and the epstein files also my dog getting tapeworms led me to finally accept there will be no revolution for america and that marxism is in fact dead and only a ghost remains. Finally I understand why and how every single american can hold a totally seperate vision of what america was and where it needs to go and yet think we are all living in the same america. I understand now that america is dead that we only think otherwise because of various simulacra, that capitalism mapped over time is in fact a body without organs capable of decoupling and recoupling us to absorb any movement politic or idea. That there is nothing I can do other than what I have been doing, with marxism and dialectics I really doubted myself. Prior to this I had been really pushing that the only means of escape is a kind of radical new thought not based on logic, and while I feel more hopeless than ever I know I was right now. I am constantly worried about having erectile dysfunction during sex despite it never having happened to me, I know now instead of going back to the moment I first felt this worry and analyzing why or wondering if it had something to do with not having a father that in fact a secret cabal every day castrates me and only puts my penis back on as im about to have sex so as to not arouse suspicion from others. As I go through and audit every aspect of me and my body through this lense I can feel myself passing through reality, and a glimmer of "the real". Not enough to break me just enough to accelerate me. I have so many hungry mouths to feed and they will all feed off of me, the dead dont exist anymore because the dead dont produce value. There is no death in this reality, we dont need to try and become immortal because we are already. No altars and no martyrs, to be eaten alive by loved ones is the only honorable "martyrdom" for a man. Literally and metaphorically, livers and kidneys can be sold as long as you own them you have value and thus life. I am on a radical journey to become valueless, yet I will still be alive, and that will be the moment of new martyrdom. My broken and broke exhumed body will live, something will live that has no value. No i am not a danger to myself this is all just prose.

>>97026 A note for the less dramatic to me; the system cannot be changed but it can get absorbed into its own simulacrum. All you have to do, is opt out, quiet quit. The work will all continue through automated labor and the fact that most of the value in the world right now is not even in physical things.polls will be conducted about who will win what election what issues should be funded etc. Etc. and at some point maybe now even half of this data will be from not real people or foreign intervention. We will simply live underneath capitalism, we already are. Whether to work at home whether to go in to office, these are just rituals to appease a god, and once something is a god it begins dying. Its ghost follows everyone and heavily influences their psyche, and american capitalism will be same. Just like with god though one day we will wake up and think and someone will say it died and we will go huh, i guess it did. We will all still be working still doing jobs we were fired from even, the utopian vision of everyone working just to work for eachother, only the whole time we will have been under the belief we were working towards something within capitalism. Building portfolios, training, etc. to get that dream job that doesnt exist, doing things for people to make connections you cant make cause the rich have escaped. You will be in that camp or the one that has accepted we will live in hoovervilles with nothing but community to live for. Either way we will alll be working under a capitalism but not in it. From our current perspective it will just look like the elite in their castles while the rest of us wriggle in filth and poverty, like many predict. Like also prior I thought would be the "conditions for revolution", but it wont come and us in poverty is just us back in our natural state. We wont even know who these rich that escaped are anymore, and we wont want it.

i went to my fav bar tonight with some friends because it's closing. we waited an hour in line and about an hour after we got in i just irish goodbyed because three of the guys in my friend group were talking about their groupchat and joking of being a throuple and i just felt so out of place. i'm better friends with one of the guys than the rest but i never understood why i feel never included. i've had this exact same problem over and over again since high school and i can't figure out why. it has to be a me problem but at the same time everyone adores me and always talks about how i'm genuinely a great guy and all that. i have two friends from high school that i feel super close with but we are scattered across the USA right now. i just don't understand why this keeps happening. i don't know what i should change. after i left i just came home called my gf cried and passed out. now i'm it's 3 am and i'm trying to work on my honors thesis which is due in less than a week and that i'm woefully behind on and my gf's birthday is saturday and i haven't gotten any gifts yet and i just feel horrible. i'm about to graduate with no plans whatsoever and even though i've taken advantage of so many opportunities throughout college giving me a really good resume i feel like a failure. i spent last night jacking off on adderall induced horniness until 4 am doing no work and it's just been like this forever. i think i fuarrrked up my brain or something.

>>97033 don't be so hard on yourself, lad nothing to it but to do it. social skills will come with time. going to the bar occasionally is healthy. doing good in school is also healthy. life is a learning experience.

>>97034 thanks lainon but i'm 23 about to be 24 and i don't know how to fix this :(

>>97035 You cant, your way ahead of where I was at 23/24, I had graduated undergrad but hardly anything to show for it. Im back in school now at 28, I also flake on my girlfriend all the time (though not on her birthday!). You should pull the old I ordered your gift online but it hasnt arrived yet so heres some flowers for now just wait till it gets here you are gonna love it. And then you think of and order a gift um, asap. And then it hopefully arrives on a normal time. I dont like most of my friends, sometimes we have fun at shows but I pretty much always start glazing over at bars with them. All but two of my favorite friends right now actually dont drink, and the two that do are super avoidant and go through the same thing. You arent even at the worst of it yet buddy. As you get closer to 30 you start really going what the fuarrrk am I doing with my life inevitably. If your in a career you will be like why havent i spent as much time with friends why havent i travelled and if you arent in a career you will be thinking oh my god i have only a few years to make something of myself. Horrible job market horrible economy, its not your fault. Comp sci, biotech, graphic design, advertising, if your in law you might be look. Service jobs are the new wave I guess, not ones where you make things. Corporations and the third world have that covered

lalala lilili lololo lelelele it would be cool to have this kind of online welcome to the N.H.K. Like a anonymous chat where you pick whether you want to hold someone accountable or be held accountable and get assigned a dm chat with a random person of the opposite role. the accountee? would have to describe how their week went at the end of the week, and the accountant? would give them advice. i wonder what would happen, i wonder if there is something similar in irl contexts and how those turn out generally

>>97036 >Service jobs are the new wave I guess, not ones where you make things. Corporations and the third world have that covered Wishful thinking by 1st world countries. 'We will do the thinking and they will work for us' The reality will be more like the third world just makes up it's mind and does the thinking too, thereby replacing the current first world. Nobody wants to buy soykafty services from arrogant assholes.

>>97038 Im saying literally what you are saying if you reread what I wrote in your very quote. All thats left for us as in people in america who havent already broken into something or made a lucky connection is service jobs here. By making things I dont mean working in a sweat shop I think thats why you think im saying anything but what you said. I mean making, creating things. Working in fields of science or tech or robotics or whatever else.

What's the point of killing a retired one? There are active developers out there ruining the land.

people kept on telling me I could've been a "rugby chad" in school. Homeschool made me float past all the lifeh allmarks you're supposed to go through and made me this weird homunculus that only relates to other people on the surface. All I want to do is be around other people but be alone at the same time. If everyone in the world except me disappeared with no pain or suffering, I'd be happiest. I would make rhubarb pies forever

another day another setback. haha we tank those (i don't want to live any more). there are so many people i like that are optimistic. they influenced me to the point where i didn't believe they were hopelessly naïve anymore. i'm starting to feel bitterly disappointed that i've held out hope. i should have known better. nothing good has ever happened and not for a lack of opportunities. there was no chance of it working out and i was a fool. time for more drugs and self-pity, my most productive state, gotta think of the shareholders, and the people that would be disappointed. only i am allowed to be disappointed. like i said we tank those. cover up the scars and keep going. can't let it slip can't show the pain. life's a motherfucking uppercut, but we tank those

someone i don't know is accusing me of being a serial rapist, will not tell me who i allegedly raped or what the circumstances were so i can't even fuarrrkin' try to do better raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Haven't posted in a while here but love life is dead af. Apart from that everything seems fine. Kind of worried because our company ceo has said he will start downsizing from APAC region Let's see what happens. I hope I find a gf soon.

Sometime I look at myself and see a body made to be abused

yeah i have no idea how anyone ever saw worth in me

ive come to terms with reality, im a mystical borderline magical thinking sort of person. there is no ritual or magic I can conjure not even imagination to fix things, to fix this world, theres nothing anyone could conjure up. we are here, we are stuck here in this system, in this world. I have other things going on in life and im a bit older, im not just sitting here choosing to be sad about something I have plenty of real things to be sad about. But this really rattled me, I have faith in absolutely nothing right now its like ive seen the perfect incomprehensible spontaneously arisen methods and ways of this system, it cant be beat. We created an almost artificially intelligent golem long before language learning models, thats just an arm. A lightning multi tendriled all powerful thing now literally sets on every sign, stop light, business, house, person, in my vision. The world is darker and my vision is hazy, and im more depressed than ever in an existential way. I havent been this depressed since I was like 7 and realized not just me but the whole world and everything will end one day, only opposite ways, cause I wish this would end but it won't. But not at night, its midnight right now, and this is childish but I still when everyone asleeps and no ones watching me remember what I saw when I was non stop taking hallucinogens for weeks at a time. A darkling feminine force made up of a million eyes on its surface instead of a million arms. Its of the sea and of space, its unknowable through thought you can only glance and gleam at its surface but once you come to know something about it, it ceases to be inside the force. But in a metaphorical sense you could say its full of water sand and pearls and stars. I cant let go of it its all I have, the only thing that this system cant cast a light on and more stable than the christian God. It is the wild x factor I have to believe in to believe someone like Luigi did something when he fired that gun otherwise even that is pointless and if thats pointless what is anything I do or ever will do, a threat to no one nor myself. I was promised it would eat the sun one day and take its place, I thought it meant the actual sun, forever till just now. Capital is an all seeing burning glorious invisible hands, its brighter than the sun, entire stars dissapear everyday under the massive light pollution only capital can create. When it is time for my little force my work to eat the sun it will fly to the brightest lights and end up in san francisco or new york. I simply have to have faith in something that has some modicum of my best interests in mind no matter how imaginary or fantastical it is, there is no other option.

>>97240 oh that girl with pearls in her hair, is she real or just made of air

I don't know what to do anymore, not that I ever did, but there were always attempts to do something different. That's not working, let's try this instead. Oh, ok. That doesn't really work let's try something else. I feel like I've exhausted all the options now to force myself to change: drugs, exposure therapy, meditation, psychologists, psychiatrists, diets, exercise, etc.. I can't think of anything new. None of it has helped; I'm still an antisocial retard. Parents are dead. Family have just drifted away... I find myself completely lost. I can't play the social game and without that I feel I can't dig myself out of poverty. I'm not intelligent: can't grift through schools, but even if I could I couldn't get a job anyway. I flunk every job interview and thats not an exageration. It's not that I can't fake being social for an interview--I can't--but the will is not there. I don't want a job. I don't want anything. My will was stillborn. I've been employed for more than a decade, but that was through family connections. The reader might have the impression that family had historically provided help/support and that's not the case, at all. Family have always been remote and negligant, but they had been a way into employment when a position was vacant. Otherwise we're all strangers and as decades go by we become even more distant. I'm moving into middle age now and I'm begining to really wonder if I have aspergers. Coworkers have brought up autism in the past, but I always thought it was unfounded. I can interpret social cues I just have no will to engage. Peoples' behaviour isn't odd or confusing, it's just exhausting. I've been exhausted my whole life. Drugs--medication--have been bandaids that have historically provided temporary relief, but I always return to this withdrawn hopeless state. I'm not in school anymore. Seniors no longer see a body that could have potential. The social supports for young people are no longer available, not that they were ever helpful in the first place. I've solidified. This is who I am and that realisation is... not nice. The people that I know who have done "something" with their lives have done so via lies and deception. Lies annoy me the most. They irratate me unendingly. These people have drive though. Lies or no lies they have something which motivates them. Grift or no grift they'd be doing something. What is one supposed to do when the will is not there. Even the social has been missing. If you've encountered the homeless in your country I am like them, only I have fallen into employment. I am otherwise dead. I get further pushed out of the internet too. Everyone is demanding more information. The lack of social media accounts prohibits the creation of accounts on a completely seperated "platform". I have no doubt I will increasingly find it impossible to do the mundane. I'll be the last on every preference list, because I'm suspicious. If it's not suspicion I will be last because I have no talents, money, or social skills. I'm isolated to anon image boards and I don't even post, but to complain. Even online, abonymously I am not social. Just to take a step back: to talk of politics, things seem to be getting worse. The economic outlook is objectively getting worse for the average labourer. By policy that is already law: work for longer than your forefathers and expect less. I really do think the ruling class are winding back concessions that were given after the world wars. Poverty and the homeless are increasing. It makes me mad, because there is no governing force for good and like I alluded to before, the more I read the more it becomes clear. Societies have always had a slave class. Nothing's changed. Satelites, space stations, jets, computers, factories that make endless surplus, yet it's still impossible to feed, shelter and clothe the citizenry. It's depressing. I'm depressing.

I got a flipphone in 2017 because I was being a wap and wanted to be more like the characters in my japanese animes. I didn't give a soykaf about privacy or anything like that (which flipphones dont contribute towards anyways) for years

>>97296 Was it worth it or did you stick with it? Frankly I've had the same urge but never humored it.

You know how there are those students in every STEM program who are highly extroverted, industrious, and are in all probability the most likely to succeed out of anyone? Well I was just eavesdropping on a conversation of one such student, and she mentioned that out of the over two-hundred and fifty jobs she applied for, she only received two offers. I, on the other hand, am a fuarrrkup who hardly applied himself over the course of his college career. You can imagine the fear that I feel of entering a job market that's not only seen massive layoffs in the technology industry last autumn but will soon see stagflation affect the economy seeing as how WTI just surpassed one-hundred dollars per barrel. It's disorienting to think about how materially abundant we generally are (well, at least those of us who were fortunate enough not to be born in a place like West Virginia or Mississippi) relative to people of the not-too-distant past, yet there are credible journalists and academics out there saying that we're living through the dissolution of the US empire, and it only seems to be accelerating. I don't know what to make of it all or where my place will fit in this world.

At only 28 i feel the beginnings of my life force fading. It might be totally normal, but ive lived on various drugs, periods of drinking heavily, normalized lack of sleep. I want to write a will, I know just writing on some paper isnt legally binding but ive already took steps to ensure my mom if alive is the executor of my estate and wishes, and if she dies I have a secondary person. And i know these two people so long as they find this paper will do as I say. My family is fractured and most of them dont really know me anymore but I also have a family where I moved to and they know me well and I think the latter could fill in anything the former wanted to know and vice versa. Everyone is always focused on what kind of big death they can make to make a statement to strangers, but I know thats dead people make jokes if you burn yourself alive these days. Il let myself die however, I only want a funeral that hits so closely at these people that made me that they have no choice but to do right by me and become their most extreme versions of themselves less disrespect my final wishes. Whether my age or 80, to spend the rest of their lives doing whats right to free themselves and eachother. Let my people go.

I loathe the Sanctioned-Suicide forum. A good chunk of the users are attentionwhores, who put their actual face as their profile picture, because even when you explicitly tell them that being pseudonymous would be to their benefit, they don't listen. The other users are just awful, actually bad people, who are coddled ("Don't be too hard on yourself", "It's okay"), due to them trying to be some kind of "safe space", which, like everything else that calls itself a "safe space", is just a place where you can post about the awful things you did, but you cannot reply to the OP, and tell them that they suck. Moreover, they require your real IP address when you register, which renders all the VPN/Tor options a fuarrrking joke, since your real IP will be always attached to your account. I fuarrrking hate everything about that forum.

>>97344 never would i thought to see SaSu mentioned here but yeah, there are some folks on there that do put their real face on your pfp? i know that "good chunk" is meant to be an expression but it is quite a minority there and in fact looked down upon or treated with concern (or at least when i was active in the chat function) but to be fair it doesn't matter since they are going to kill themselves anyways, oh well but yeah i agree with you in that people on their coddle way too much and don't take a realistic perspective but honestly from what i have seen on there, i haven't encountered "awful" or "bad" people (to be fair i only spend my time in the chat than the actual forum) so it would be nice if you provide examples >they require your real IP address when you register, which renders all the VPN/Tor options a fuarrrking joke, since your real IP will be always attached to your account. I fuarrrking hate everything about that forum. this!

i'm sick to death of performative leftism, people who try to present themselves as tolerant open-minded people just because it's now become trendy to do so. i liked it better when the mainstream idiot masses were honest about their ignorance and lack of empathy. i had to leave a discord server i frequented for years because of an incredibly annoying extremely-online bigoted troll that constantly makes ignorant offensive remarks and tries to engineer conflict with people, then gives a phony apology and says he'll never do it again and whines about not having any irl friends and threatens to unalive himself to make everyone feel sorry for him and let him back in. the admin and other people on the discord all try to act like allies yet they continue to look the other way with this guy because they're too afraid of having a real confrontation, and i finally ran out of patience and called the guy out publicly and told him he's a misogynistic creep and a pathological liar and an emotionally manipulative asshole and i left the server and not a single person messaged me afterwards, they just completely wrote me off because apparently they would rather deal with the troll than deal with someone like me calling attention to it. people are such weak fuarrrking cowards these days, i feel like social media has created a society of nothing but parasocial relationships where people just want to get what they want and never have to give anything in return, everyone is just here to provide entertainment and talk about funny memes and marvel movies and other superficial bullshit and never talk about feelings or serious issues or anything that might harsh their buzz.

>>97385 theres nothing inherently wrong with being all of those things. i think your inability to stick to confrontation and merely run away from trouble after venting in itself is part of the kind of behavior that enables this bullshit. if you stuck around and kept bullying the feminized dumdum into growing at least half a pair of balls and duked it out in name of literally everyone else because people are milquetoast passive observers by design (lowest risk highest payout attitude to take in social situations) then at least youd have some of my respect. wait until the part of life when you realize people like that absolutely own your life and the only answer is ter

>>97386 idk if i made it clear, but i did have a big confrontation and we did duke it out publicly and it got very personal and ugly, the reason i left is because the admin and others on the server started admonishing us to sort it out amongst ourselves in pm instead of discussing it publicly, and that's when i got disgusted and left, when it became clear that they would rather sweep this under the rug than deal with it publicly. you say i should have stuck around and kept bullying the guy, but that's kind of what everyone else was already doing on this server, responding to his behavior with little passive aggressive jabs or mocking him behind his back, kind of treating him as the whipping boy, and that kind of behavior annoyed me as well - i don't like passive aggression, if i have a problem with somebody i prefer to confront them about it directly and when i did that it just made everyone uncomfortable. it's like they wanted to have it both ways, publicly demonstrate that they don't approve of what the troll is doing, but also sit on their hands and not actually call him out on his behavior, and that kind of thing disgusts me even more than troll's behavior does.

>>97387 then you kinda did yourself a favor by just leaving all those trashy people behind. they're just a dump of time you don't have. i do and don't get why you'd feel bad about none of them talking to you after you left considering that's exactly the kind of gross oversocialized monkeys they are. pure tar ego

>>97388 it just bugs me because that whole situation seemed to me like a microcosm of what is going on in the world today, narcissistic psychopaths running roughshod all over everything while "polite society" buries their heads in the sand. there's always going to be that one asshole who wants to cause trouble and ruin everything, that's just nature's way, but when nobody wants to do anything about it or even acknowledge it then the assholes end up ruling the world

I love femboys That is all If any femboys in thread you are cringe if left wing

>>97385 What did you expect? People on public discord servers are strangers. People on lainchan are strangers. There is no real relationship to maintain. Even if they think you are right, why would they bother PM'ing you? You are a name on a screen.

I find myself not caring about technology, privacy, selfhosting, anymore, and it's depressing. Which is probably fine, I just need to have other things to occupy my time and brain. When I was a kid, all of my best summers had tons of time spent on a bike in the sun, but adulthood has me not willing even to take the risk of using the roads or accepting the opportunity cost on my time (even though I end up not doing much with this time anyways, I find myself on standby for oncall) I suppose the things that I find fun and life-affirming just aren't falling into my lap anymore and I now have to find ways to actually advocate for doing them since I'm not unemployed anymore.

>>97409 Honestly for me technology feels like it's been completely used up. I've started like 20 projects and stopped about half way through all of them because the modern plumbing is migraine inducing. The most fun I had in the last two years was writing hashing functions in raw-text WASM (WAT). Wrote my own WAT preprocessor so I could make macros and whatnot, most of my implementations are 2~10x faster than what I can find online. Unfortunately though creating the UI, navigating between new standards and limitations (fuarrrk CORS), choosing between paradigms that all fall short in different ways, the lack of a proper web-app container for distribution, et al, has made me drop the entire thing despite a perfectly clear vision and good programmatic substrate. I almost feel like this was easier when programming languages were worse, I accomplished more with PHP5 and jQuery than I've ever accomplished after it. I might give up and go the agriculture route, seems more emotionally lucrative to be honest.

>>97416 I'm not sure if you're being hyperbolic but I love biology, it was what I wanted to do when I was a kid. What did you have in mind when it comes to agriculture? You'll need a bit of land and such.

>>97409 >When I was a kid, all of my best summers had tons of time spent on a bike in the sun, but adulthood has me not willing even to take the risk of using the roads i had this exact same feeling during the pandemic and on a random whim i found an old 1980s mountain bike for sale on craigslist for $40 and i went to the guy's house and bought it from him and took it home and rebuilt into a single-speed road bike, took off the shifters and replaced the rear cassette with a single speed freewheel cog, realigned and trued the wheel with a spoke wrench, cleaned and regreased all the bearings, put new tires on it, etc. i rode that thing every day, on the road, on bike paths through local parks, put lights on it so i could ride at night, it was great. i probably hadn't ridden a bike in like 15+ years before then and i was surprised not only at how i still had the muscle memory to ride as well as i did as a kid, but also surprised at how much i enjoyed it and how relaxing and therapeutic it was to get out of the house and just ride and be totally immersed in riding my bike and not thinking about anything else. maybe you should look on craigslist or fb marketplace for a cheap bike for sale in your area, might be worth it.

>>97419 I think I want to do something where the act itself produces something real, farming feels like a good fit; although there is a science to it and it probably has its own plumbing I feel like it would be more rewarding because at the end of it you have a real tangible result and there's a good process of discovery. Though you're right, I'd need land first which is difficult to come by (without going full bushman and living off native land or something). Chemistry might be better for me to look into, sort of similar (the act itself produces, rewarding process of discovery) with the added benefit of being more compact and the tool-set is easier to come by and use with less investment. I quite like biology too, I used to read through medical books when I was young but I shifted toward qualia and color science later, if I could recommend a new field to explore to anyone I'd definitely recommend color science, huge field with some pretty crazy results and still very ripe for exploration. Chimerical colors in particular are wild and work off of neural adaptation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impossible_color#Chimerical_colors

i have a really epic girlfriend but i can not stop or resist the allure of going on benders or running away with pretty problem girls. Its not even about sex or romance its about feeling free and being close to someone more attractive that lots of people wish they could be friends with

>>97428 That's great stuff. RE chemistry, biology, human perception, I would love to work on a self-experimental version of TPN or MEM if it could be somewhat safe. I'm really frustrated with the current state of these products in the medical industrial complex and I want to walk the trophic descent of humanity further. Record a bunch of parameters like body temperature and reaction time, could be great.

I remember once feeling sadness about having no social group. I no longer feel that sadness, not because I have a social group, but because I think social groups are completely faggy in the first place. I remember I was told by a lainon when I lamented my lack of social groups to create my own. I came to create my own group -- but not necessarily for social purposes. It was for study purposes. It came out of desire for my own academic success. However, as a result of my experiences, I realized that you can take a normal user out of a clique, but normal users are still going to bring their social bullshit into everything, like ape-like niggers. I am gradually watching myself be excluded from my own group. I told myself I would abandon the "us vs. them normal user mindset." I told myself I spent too much time online, I told myself I needed to get a better perception of reality. However, I lost sight of the fact that those mindsets were produced by a result of my own experiences, and this mindset is hitting me deeply with the recent experiences I have been having. I am perpetually left with the feeling, "What is wrong with me? What is so defunct with me?" I always walk on eggshells around people, trying to placate them, trying to avoid drama, trying to avoid starting soykaf. I always assume that I am the problem -- that if this long-standing pattern has been present, then I must be the entire reason why -- my poor treatment is deserved. I deeply have come to wonder what I have done, and I ask, what is wrong? To which they say nothing is wrong, but the discomfort in their eyes and their stand-offish body language says otherwise. I have sanitized every part of myself to make myself socially acceptable. I will not show my autistic hobbies to people. I will not say things that stray from the norm. I regurgitate what they like. I observe my body language - my tone of voice. But I am a skinwalker, walking amongst the human's world - human-like but yet ever so off - off in the ever-slightest way as to set off feelings of uncanny valley in anyone who observes me. I am watching my own study sessions become bare, and my core members stand off to the side, sniggering like highschoolers - evidently meeting elsewhere in the midst of my own sessions. In chat, they post the subtlest messages, indicating that there is stuff going on underneath the surface. Small messages calling out and excluding others. I hoped that in making my own group, I could avoid this. But I guess it can not be helped. And what was painful was for the shortest moment, I felt apart of something. I was no longer the "outsider" -- but yet, it came so suddenly, although it was likely happening slowly, like an infection. I am wrong. I am defunct. I am trying to make peace with being fully alone. I can not let myself feel sadness nor pain. I will not let myself slide into the failed normal user mindset. Alone is okay. You don't need anyone. It's okay like this. And so, I was so free in a world without social or societal obligations. I played Byakuren Hijiri's theme in my car on full blast, banging my head - stopping for only a moment to make intense eye contact with the couple that walked by - and I was alive. I am alive, only provided there is no one around. My world was so happy when I was on my own.

>>97477 >I am alive, only provided there is no one around. My world was so happy when I was on my own. I came to the same conclusion, but still can't find the courage to act like I truly believe it: I'm stuck in the failed normalcreature limbo. It sometimes seems that every single story ever told is a cautionary tale about the danger, the pain and the regret of being (or choosing to be) alone. Why is it that my own experience contradict everything I've been told? The only time I can feel like I exist is when I have enough space to do so.

eh i just dunno anymore unemployed for almost a year now. can't move out of childhood home cuz no stable source of income. got backstabbed by a life-long, closest friend, so im now more alone than ever before. last of my friend circle, actually. been several years when i vanquished and exorcised the dread and pain of a traumatic experience, but now even those thoughts/sensations have suddenly resurfaced for no apparent reason, which is like kicking dead whales down the beach ass. im meant to begin volunteer work in a few weeks from now in order to get at least some mark in my cv, but im anxious and worried i might fuarrrk it up so badly that people would end up killing themselves (its that sort of work with a lot of responsibility and negative emotions involved). honestly, the thought has crossed my mind on several occasions already that perhaps maybe i should just drop it since i clearly am not prepared for it. family life is toxic, and im miserable here. cant concentrate on anything cuz within 15mins of doing any deep work id be interrupted by the constant shouting and arguing and all that bullshit. and if i do happen to complete something, eventually everything i plan or try ends up failing or just not going anywhere. got a meme degree, and everything. took a hell of a time to get it too, my whole young adulthood in fact. didn't really live life either during it. just thought that with enough effort into my studies and lonely ponderings i might go places. didnt happen. i underestimated the importance of recommendations, connections and networking. there are still a few straws i havent used, but starting to think why bother, y'know? nothing ever works out anyway. "unpredictable economy/political landscape, elite overproduction, information surplus/saturation, ai pollution (soykafty content churned out just to get a few quick dimes, so producing books that demand effort is just a waste of time, besides, nobody reads books anyway today),", and all that, coupled with my inexperience, which makes progression impossible. too late to start YouTubing too, because its now a global market ergo global competition, algos being retarded, a fuarrrk ton of banal and mundane video essayists and commentators, so youd have to be really niche, which means youd lose adequate revenue cuz the majority simply dont care about too niche. ive invited the thought of just pulling an unabomber, but even that sort of thing is just too fuarrrking lowly these days when all these asshole kids, demented psychos and other illiterate fuarrrkwits who can barely write a coherent sentence, let alone a manifesto have sullied the name. no honor, no glory, no philosophy, no style, no decency, no morals, no plans, fuarrrking nothing. just meaningless random carnage and massacres that accomplish fuarrrkall and actually screws things for everyone else, cuz, why? mommy and daddy didn't love you enough, nobody would fuarrrk you, ppl said mean things to you, and allah told you to? pathetic. a big fuarrrking joke. wouldnt even dream of associating with such a lowly degenerate bunch of sad sobs. where are the situationists, the dadaists, the rafs, the bohemians? every place's dead, everything's been coopted, everyone's fake and gay. wherever you see something real there's the liberal parasite to suck the raw bone marrow of reality dry to keep his boredom at bay and to get his ego stroked to prop himself up in this ocean of faceless masses. christ all mighty. can't even pass the time like i used to by surf'n the web anymore, because places like these are dying out where people arent karma-whoring, advertising their soykafty half-baked mobile games, or havent completely fried their brains with tiktok. everything's just a one big disappointment and im beginning to have enough of this ride...

>>96647 This sounds oddly familiar. You wouldn't be the one who had the "mental blockade" or barrier that for some unknown reason made you forget your routines, which then reset all the progress you had made every time you gave it a try to get to the state of your ideal self?

>>97490 I am. Are you the kind anon mentioned above? How are you?

>>97489 i relate to you a lot and i'm in an almost identical position. but no matter what society seems to you, there will always be something positive with another being negative. i dunno either... i think i'd burnt myself out so many times and that kinda makes it worse. i just think that things often don't go the way you hope, but maybe won't happen as catastrophically as you might think either. they said "optimists die first" i wish you the best of luck

>>97555 I am. I hoped I wouldn't see you here anymore, because you were too busy living your life to the fullest instead :D. Me? Well, doing pretty good. Some projects in the working for which I'm excited and plans for going on an eurotrip this year. Sure, got a few bumps on the road, but nothing too serious. You probably have had more than a few bumps since last time, I take it?

>>97559 >You probably have had more than a few bumps since last time, I take it? Just more of the same. Distracting myself with work, junk content and house renovating makes it pretty easy to bear. The future looks grim. >I hoped I wouldn't see you here anymore I'm trying not to soykaf up any more threads with my incessant moping, but I still really enjoy this place! >plans for going on an eurotrip this year I hope things here settle down soon, or at least not get any worse, so that you'll be able to come without much of a hassle. Right now, everything seems uncertain and precarious.

>>97561 Hi, not the person you're replying to but I'm interested in what you find/found fun about the wired. Don't mean it in a sarcastic way; been struggling with enjoying things recently What kind of VNs do you like?

>>97563 >what you find/found fun about the wired First of all, on a social level, the ability to interact with like-minded people (if they weren't at least somewhat similar to you, even if just because of a shared hobby or interest, you wouldn't have found them) without feeling forced to create a stronger bond than necessary. In meatspace, I always feel like I have to try to please the one in front of me, to suppress myself and become as malleable and unassuming as possible in order to not be seen as weird or dangerous, to go along with the flow without causing alarm (which will, without a doubt, cause me suffering, tedium and all that good stuff); here 2 or 3 messages are enough to be content, to satisfy my need for human connection. On a content-material level, being able to read/watch/do anything I could ever desire: my backlog is already big enough to outlast me; my machine is powerful enough to play anything I'm interested in playing; my internet is good enough to download anything I'm interested in owning. Right now, and I'm extremely ashamed about it, I'm playing Lessons in Love, which I do not recommend (it's trash, but I got too far and now need to see it through). If you haven't already played it, Higurashi holds a special place in my heart, more than Umineko, being my first "real" VN and, while flawed, being the exact kind of story I was searching for the time I played it. I wish I had the moral toughness to go my own way and stop being afraid of the same tired "what if I regret it and lose the only people willing to tolerate me", but I don't think it's ever going to happen.

>>97565 >to suppress myself and become as malleable and unassuming as possible in order to not be seen as weird or dangerous, to go along with the flow without causing alarm This reminds me of a passage from Invitation to a Beheading: "From his earliest years Cincinnatus, by some strange and happy chance comprehending his danger, carefully managed to conceal a certain peculiarity. He was impervious to the rays of others, and therefore produced when off his guard a bizarre impression, as of a lone dark obstacle in this world of souls transparent to one another; he learned however to feign translucence, employing a complex system of optical illusions, as it were—but he had only to forget himself, to allow a momentary lapse in self control, in the manipulation of cunningly illuminated facets and angles at which he turned his soul, and immediately there was alarm." >On a content-material level, being able to read/watch/do anything I could ever desire There was a time when I would have agreed, but now I feel different, like the man in the Chinese room, going through the motions of enjoyment and consumption because I ought to. Perhaps we both simply lack the balance we need in our lives

I can't take it anymore. I need to rewatch Kaiji. Why is there simply nothing like it out there?

Hm. I'm at a weird period in my life. Just broke up with my girlfriend, situationship, whatever we were about a month ago. I had been single for two years, but was essentially married for eleven with the mother of my child. I met her while working in a neighborhood, and I'd sometimes see her outside and introduced myself. On my last day there, I was alone, and once again I saw her, so I started a car nversation and learned her occupation. I started off as her client, and had a few appointments. Note that when I initially got her number I never thought it would lead to anything aside from professional networking, though I did certainly find her attractive. The first one we talked for an hour before we even began the session. We connected on religious and philosophical ideas and were both fans of Erich fromm and spinoza. I had a few more sessions after and booked her once more but never received an answer. A week or two later she messaged me out of the blue, ostensibly to contract me for some work at her house. The first few night she would cook for me and we'd share ideas over coffee and cigarettes. One night after she cooked we arranged to watch a movie and she eventually laid her head in my lap. At that point I was no longer under the illusion a guy like me could never get a girl like her and I went for it. For six months I lived with her. She was going through a tough time in her life and due to these external limitations our relationship was only transient, but for the first time I lived it. We went from professional acquaintances to lovers weeks after meeting. I lived with her(and eventually her brother whom I'm still friends with), and we were all involved and integrated in our daily lives. We would often go on expensive dinners, random outings, and those little side quests you find yourself going on walking the streets without any unclear plan. We spent the holidays together and introduced one another to our family and friends. I remember one night I drove four hours just to see her and have a date, returning in the wee hours of the morning for work. Eventually her situation resolved and our incompatibilities became increasingly scrutinized. Her priorities shifted to the reality of her world. We broke up peacefully and without a fight one night. Anybody ever lived a whole relationship in six months? The whole thing still has me reeling. But that said, there is no bitterness or resentment in my heart. I learned that I still have the capacity to love and endure, even without guarantees. I was present for someone. She could have called anyone else in the world but she called me, because she could see some good in me that I was before blind to.

>>97582 Forgot to mention the sex was amazing. I'm no stranger to casual sex, though in my older years I definitely look for depth and connection rather than the act itself. She would often compliment my sexual prowess, saying I'm the only man to ever consistently give her orgasms. I was very in tune with her body by the end could quite literally feel the rhythm and tempo in our most intimate moments. Her body moving to climax was an unspoken signal that I understood when to pull the trigger.

>>97582 my relationships where I became fast friends with someone but never got to a point I could feel romantically secure (ie like a "this is happening we are together") im more nostalgic for and hurt more than when I broke off my longest relationship of 5 years. Even the ones that by now are like 10 years old. Ending long term relationships is very sad but in a different way, in retrospect its always just growing pains or changing pains at least. But the relationships like you talk about in my opinion truly haunt you forever with the only alternative to the haunting being to develop complexes or lie to yourself or learn to hate the person or I stay sane by always finding someone even when I am in a relationship with whom I can imagine I might run off with and start a new life with which I know sounds very evil but I never actually would. This is a complex of sorts, I used to say the reason it is how I am saying is because we love and feel most alive in the chase of desire more than the object of it blah blah. In small part its that probably but what actually hurts so much I know now and what can not be healed or let go of is loss of paradise, not the person but your future with them. You can know in your mind perhaps that if you knew this 6 month person for as long as your 11 year person new problems might arise or the magic of it all would eventually die and become routine as it surely always must. But thats just a story, it didn't happen, and so you will never truly know. It will always be what is not but could be if. A weird nostalgic sometimes all consuming hollow pain, not traumatic not violent, it always seems disproportional to its cause. Just when you think its gone you have a dream that brings it all back, it never truly goes away. Because for a moment a door opened and then just as quickly closed and you will never ever know what was behind that door and so as time passes you will create stories about what was behind it and constantly compare the you that ended up here to the one behind that door. Regardless of what would have really happened the fact that it didnt means there was the potential for you to be made whole again and any brain will latch onto anything that even has the slightest chance of doing that. And you will fall into it again and again because it haunts you and so you will always be looking for it in the background. Even if you find 'the love of your life' it will stay haunting you driving you to new friends maybe, new mentors, a work wife, an extra marital affair, a drug, a scene, a cult, a band, a new place. The repeated failures to play each new magic to its end so it can lose it will add up, again hurting forever, in time dying in real life closing the door truly forever. Haunting after haunting piling up until one day you are old with a million of these ghosts weighing you down and it will finally be clear to you how and why old people can reach a point where they aren't afraid to die.

the man with no place in this world

>>97605 Well, there was no question about what we were until the end. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. But in hindsight, I see she was always dropping hints that this wasn't something foundational. I would have preferred honesty about it, because I would have had no qualms with her renting me out as her personal boy toy for the season. fuarrrk, I'd still be her toy right now if we never passed the threshold of hazy commitment. We often joked that I was her gigolo, and she did take care of me. New clothes, new equipment, and she'd take me out on her dime sometimes as well, though I preferred paying as I had just gotten into a place of relative economic stability and it felt good dropping the cash at the end for my woman and I. The other day her brother texted me saying he missed me at the house because his sister was being a bitch. I chuckled to myself because I knew exactly what he was talking about. But I assured him she is a good woman with a lot she has to take care of.

i feel completely disconnected from all aspects of life: school, hobbies, worldly happenings, spirituality, humanity. my life has just become going from home to class to home again, never in any deep state of focus. being around people makes me unreasonably stressed, so i structure my time around avoiding people as much as possible. all i think about is primal feelings of escape. if this gets worse i worry ill have to drop out of college, but what worries me more is that ive stopped caring. how do i become part of the world again?

>>97638 I hope my post didn't make it sound like I didn't think she was good or that you guys werent officially in a relationship, just that by not romantically stable I mean you sound like you would have liked the relationship to continue and saw this future paradise but she it sounds like did not share the same happy future vision with you. It was romantically unstable in that I dont think you got to see it out or truly have closure while on her end whether its true or not she probably felt "i know where this is going". I mentioned learning to hate someone this happens with but I also dont think thats the answer in fact id be a total unlearning mess if I didnt still hold love everyone who split things off with me before I wanted so I think you are totally right to see her as not a bad person for this. I might be projecting a lot in assuming you valued this relationship enough to be haunted by it for likely awhile but I dont think I am, not to pathologize but the reason I assume was you making your second post kind of nostalgic about the sex. Thats something I would do for someone I really cant let go of (matter of factly not because I should let go) because in this world sex is pathogenic for better and worse. In a world of medicine and birth control sure strange curses and the miracle of life lose power and are treatable but almost everyone holds onto the mindset that with sex you have proof that the relationship happened. Its deeply shameful and embarassing to lie about having sex with someone so no one does almost, and we can trust that if someone can share details of their sexual encounter with someone it really happened. When someone has sex with someone we find gross we often find the person gross as well, sometimes taboos and repression and fetishes might make us find it alluring. When we have sex with someone we really like and admired and respected theres a desire to let it be known we did not to be perverse and weird but as proof we were chosen. As you said you appreciate she saw something in you, you thought she was someone who would never give you the time of day. And that you know now you can have love again. All good things but it also tells me (i think) that in your 10-11 year relationship where you had a child you probably stayed in it for god knows how many years out of obligation convincing yourself that kind of love you found again simply doesn't exist and its just reality that feelings fade till probably now in your memories especially compared to this new person you wonder if you ever even REALLY loved the mother of your child (in a romantic way im sure you have a kind of 'gods love' for her). But you probably did, in my experience the feeling always fades or at least waxes and wanes which should be a comfort but I guess what im saying is it is not as a word of very tepid inconfident (because I dont know you i just think i see you) warning because I sense you are trying to speedrun a closure on this amd being okay with it and it isn't possible without losing yourself a bit, in my opinion. You can totally be okay with her and the reality that its over with no psychic damage. However im really jumping the gun without knowing you at all but I came to tell you that if one day you have thoughts like "im sure if we stayed together id find things about her and us that made the love less magic, im sure id take it for granted if I knew we absolutely would be together forever" that this line of thinking won't help because heart cooks brain and also because they are just imaginings that your brain know can always be challenged or audited and it can circle around them endlessly to keep you up at night. My post maybe just sounded like doomerism but the intention is to put respect on your loss which for some reason here I have to do in the most mentally masturbatory way because you are couching it with a lot of "it was just 6 months" and "im happy i had any time at all (good thought though hold onto that one)" and I think if any of this rings true for you, you should accept its about much more than just losing her and it actually would make perfect sense if you see this breakup as more emotionally tough than the one of your 11 years. Just if it rings true. Even just realizing you can in fact feel butterflies in your tum tum again can be a bit traumatic even if its also sweet. Also something else maybe bad advice but you seem like someone who might understand I also think its fine and helpful to imagine what you could have done different to keep the relationship. Why did this other person see a dead end, what things did I do that told them I wasn't the one, what things did they like about me that kept them around. I think people are wrong that you can't find an answer to these things and that there was nothing you could have done. However flipways when you do find your answer to what we can kind of break down to "what did this person desire and how could I have embodied it more" you have to be able to see if its something you don't like or think is wrong and only change yourself if you truly think it is good and admirable. Often times it is as the normals imply something you wouldn't want to even meet them on but sometimes it is and then you realize if you meet someone like that again you want them to stick around and can change to make sure it happens.

>>97561 >I'm trying not to soykaf up any more threads with my incessant moping Oh, I didn't mean it like that! It's okay to mope in threads specifically marked for moping, right :D? If others can, you should too. It's just a shame I wasn't able to help after all, was what I meant. I'm sort of feeling like a hypocrite as well, because there's actually some similar routines and habits I haven't been able to break in my life either, despite all these fancy ways of conceptually framing them (remember the framework where everything we do consists of 'points' and 'links' and 'reasons' that undergirds each (ie. wake up >> oatmeal (because morning grogginess, so can't do anything else) >> turn PC on (to begin doing work), and so on)? Well, there was a reason I was so readily able to offer such a framework, since I have been struggling with the exact same kind of a relapse cycle you had described, only in regard to my creative projects which require an ungodly amount of effort to complete. Don't get me wrong, I actually have used these concepts and frameworks on myself, and I have seen real changes for the better. But it's like you said earlier: it's one thing to THINK about changing our habits, and a completely other to actually DOING those changes, but the key words are 'consistence' and 'permanence' (the pendulum swings up and down, but what we really want to see is to keep the pendulum suspended in mid-air, or at as high up a position as we can, and never to fall). I don't know how other people seemingly can manage that, so I guess that's going to be another research area for me to get into, but I suppose it has something to do with efficient and 'fidelitous' powers of recalling why they must hold on to their routines and the reason why they are doing what they are doing in the first place, just like the people who are coping with their suicide-attempts are given these safety plans where they have been instructed to list reasons not to go with their suicide plans, and, in the event that such a strong urge to do it were to suddenly arise once more, are urged to read and go over their safety plans in order to remind themselves of their reasons to keep going with life. So, maybe for people with the sort of tendencies to operate at a low-functioning, low-energy minimum state, and for whom sticking to change doesn't come easily, that's how we ought to approach it? >I hope things here settle down soon, or at least not get any worse You and me both, my good lainon. Gotta hope, and in the meantime slowly prepare for the worst :/

>>97651 Appreciate the response lainon. I suppose to dig into my psyche it would be necessary to understand my past relationship. She was my first and only real relationship, this new woman was my second. I've always been one for casual arrangements and never let anyone get close. But I have been caught off guard a few times lol. But I bear a lot of guilt when it comes to us. I feel I let my family down because I was so saddled with my own self hate id rather push them away than dealing with my problems head on. I wasn't a good husband either, I let her down so many times. If I had any regret in my life it would have to been a better man for her and my daughter. That's one thing I could never fully reconcile but it had more to do with my mind state than anything on the relationship I had with this new woman. I felt so bad because I'd done things for her I never did for my ex wife, I opened my heart in ways I should have for my first love...she's gone now and engaged with a man who treats them well and that's all I could hope for in my position. But I definitely felt a sense of tension between my capacity moving forward and the burdens id carried for years at that point. As for why we couldn't be together, well, there's quite a few but the main one is that her situation resolved. She was in a custody battle and didn't have her children at that time. Those conditions are what allowed our relationship to thrive, and once the course changed, so too did the trajectory of our relationship. Her priorities shifted and I wouldn't expect anything else... Then there was the fact we were from two different worlds. She came from money and I'm working class. I'm a tatted up Mexican just trying to exist and she's a church-going, well to do white woman running her household and running her own business. I'm not a good man but she's a good woman and needed someone to meet her in the middle. I saw her yesterday actually. Didn't talk much but we were polite. I'm friends with her brother...feel like the dude set me up but everything was fine

>>97670 noted, I was kind of on one I replied so truthfully your situation is very different from I imagined. We do have some surface level commonalities its funny, I am white guy also tatted up pierced messy person but whos kryptonite is kind of well to do put together black women. I also am not always appreciative of the relationships I have that are stable and with someone who I can be sure will stick by if I only do the things i was doing when they met. But also sometimes I feel or notice the more stable put together person, boy or girl, in moments (especially like after a breakup or divorce or even a difficult period in a marriage) want the messy person but only for a moment before they get a little freaked out and decide its back to normal life. I myself am always caught between this so im not judging I get it but I need at least a little messiness in my life. I sometimes think everyone on the neurotic side needs a little messiness in their life and everyone on the messy side needs a little neuroticism and in my friends those are actually the relationships ive seen turn into withstanding marriages. But both ends of the aisle can also get very scared or "this isnt me" and pull away especially when something else goes right for them and affirms their identity. Idk if this applies but food for thought.

>>97807 It makes a lot of sense. We used to have sex a lot, and she would allow me to cum inside her every single time. I know she wanted a baby because she told me and I was dumb enough to oblige her, in part for the novelty, but mostly because I felt I could have corrected my mistakes from my marriage. Thankfully that never happened as we are both in our late 30's where it's much more difficult for a woman to get pregnant. Either that or Im now shooting blanks, lol. But over time, especially when her big trial date rolled around, her attitude shifted. I don't know if it was some defense mechanism to help herself reorientate to old demands or what have you, or maybe she was warming up to another dude, I don't know. But the last month of our relationship she was just working all the time and on the weekends she'd have her children so I wouldn't see her much. She wanted me to hide my belongings from her children finding them. She would refuse sex if she was ovulating. In hindsight I guess it was just list, but if it was that she's an asshole because she could have communicated that to me and I would have been fine.

Most days I feel comfortable alone, but on others the loneliness is unbearable. My grandfather died, and as I get older I see the need to have someone around at the end of life. It's a somewhat selfish view, but it that we only form relationships and have children so that they are there for us when we can't even go to the bathroom properly. That scares me. Or maybe it's just biology. Getting old is terrible. I already see myself at an age where "certain things," like this vent, are frowned upon. How do you all live with this? Having autism is awful, the only place I feel comfortable is in the internet. And everyday loathe it more and more. I wish I could quit it. It doesn't matter if I'm well-adjusted physically, materially, and spiritually. I wish I could be okay alone, but I can't. But I also don't want to be with someone.

>>97901 >I wish I could be okay alone, but I can't. But I also don't want to be with someone. i feel you so much. but i want to ask some questions first. how was your experience with friendship (at least the modern conception of it) so far? have you ever found love or obsessed over someone? i think i stick to this place mostly because i've found some people who relate to this attachment-deattachment thing over the years and their resulting issues stem from this.

Ever since I was young I dreamed of escaping my abusive family. I got accepted to the university of my dreams, I am far away from these people, I have a house all to myself and I no longer have anybody to hurt, insult me or prevent me from leaving the house. Yet why do I not feel happy for all these achievements, and in fact I feel empty? Why do I end up nothing all day and hate going outside, even though I always longer for?

>>97907 could be for many reasons. To begin with, feeling fulfilled doesn't come about merely by escaping your past or turning away from something. A fulfilled life is one where you're aiming for something, having a direction, like a life goal, towards which you're heading. Bearing abuse and surviving toxic family life might provide a temporary kind of purpose to the victim's life, namely finding a way of getting out of that misery somehow. That temporary purpose can be extended as far as it is necessary, but when that state of affairs ceases, so too does your heading in life. Fortunately, now that all the toxic family dynamics are far behind you, you can start thinking about these sorts of things, which endeavors normally would have been disrupted previously. As for the reasons behind your self-isolation and idleness, can't be too sure until you tell us yourself. Could it simply be that you just don't know yet what you want to do, since all that energy was diverted to coping with the abuse, so you never had time to figure out the things you like and want? That could be one explanation. But if that's not it, then it might be something so complex that only a therapist could help you. Does any of this speak to you or seem to accurately reflect your situation?

>>96867 >Spiders, insects, crabs, flies, mites, etc., all have a type of beauty to them, but people? They seem to be diseased... I wonder if it's always been like this. Historically, say 3,000 years ago, were the majority of a populous this horrific looking? Is it a modern symptom, of the bizarre way citizens now live. Obedience. Subservient creatures, meek and compact, fit into tight cages. Big and proud blocked DON'T FIT IN.

>>96867 >Spiders, insects, crabs, flies, mites, etc., all have a type of beauty to them, but people? They seem to be diseased... I wonder if it's always been like this. Historically, say 3,000 years ago, were the majority of a populous this horrific looking? Is it a modern symptom, of the bizarre way citizens now live. Obedience. Subservient creatures, meek and compact, fit into tight cages. Big and proud blockes DON'T FIT IN though. >>96645 >>96369 Thank you Yotsuba I have cut my social media so now I have little to no time wasting rituals. Also, big thanks to Lain. Saved me from ... something even more addictive than it.

i don't want to live mainly out of my own selfish desire, i don't want to work 9 to 5 to contribute less than 1% of my work to a company's capital, i don't want to be forced to uphold social constructs, i just wished i was never born to begin with i used to be sensitive, really sensitive to anything, i would get emotional and empathetic to external stimuli but now i feel nothing, a compilation of flesh and bones wrapped around it with wires of blood vessels, it's been a good while since i responded to anybody's text whether it be it online or irl folks, i would delay it for a week for no discernable reason and i know that i might surprise the folks on discord that i am planning on passing along and hopefully streaming it with them, is like kicking dead whales down the beach to have to be this way, i don't write this to seek sympathy or go "woe is me" like 96% of my action i don't know why i even do it

>>96907 Psychologist-ish talk aside, get a water-based solution of vitamin D. Some people just can't get their vitamin D from food and vitamin D deficiency is a silent killer with vicious cycles, see vitamindwiki.com

Im tired of the hell hole known as los angeles. All the constant noise from the neighbors dogs and modified cars. These kinds of people are fuarrrking everywhere here, cant take a walk down the street without getting barked at by someones untrained mutt. I have soykafty part time job and only recently paid my debt off, i dont understand how people can stand the fuarrrking noise. I hate how even in my own room i can hear the neighbors dogs

>>97942 Where I live is also overrun with dogs. I just run a really fuarrrking loud fan.

feeling fuarrrked lately. feel detached and lost. my girlfriend almost broke up with me and feels that i sexually assaulted her. she went and told her parents and some of her friends. she felt pressured to consent to giving me a handjob, felt that she needed to, to not bring me further pain from my three days of blueballs leading up to the point. i feel like a monster, want to die, to think of myself as a someone who commited sexual assault. i didn't even enjoy the experience, felt gross and ashamed to be horny and have my cock out, brought back some repressed sexual trauma.

I don't think there's necessarily a housing crisis. I think there's a readymade housing crisis. The next generations are going to have to get used to the idea of either making or contracting their own houses on cheap parcels of land zoned for nothing in particular that grow as needed rather than having a prefab house with piping and everything already set up, neighbors and HOA included. Now I just need to make enough money to start a trust, buy a piece of land in Indian territory, and put that land under said trust

>>97974 I know that feel bro, I'd imagine you're pretty young no? Your sex drive will calm down with age and you'll be less prone to do stuff like that. It wasn't cool of her to tell on you to her parents. By the way unless you threatened her with violence or physically forced her to do something sexual, you didn't sexually assault her- at most i'd say you manipulated her, which also isn't cool. (for example if you threatened to leave her or kill yourself) This too shall pass. She just feels like a whore for caving in and she's trying to shift the blame to you. Unless you actually physically forced yourself upon her when she clearly didn't want to have sex. In that case you did something really scummy and you should feel bad. But to be honest man almost every straight man will have an instance sometime in their life when they did something really soykafty sexually. I've done it. Almost everyone you know has done it. Your elementary school principal has done it. That cop has done it. The president has definitely done it many times. Men are gross. Don't kick yourself too much over it, it's largely not your fault. Try to have better self control next time. -Love: Fellow Lainon who has been there

>>97977 i am young (18 Y/O turning 19 next month) i don't really think of myself being young, because i live away from my parents, keep a respectable full time job, and get treated older. my girlfriend is also 18. all i did was complain about testicular pain, because it was constant, painful and all i really could think about.

>>97982 yeah man you're a teenager, its very common to have these feelings and at that age i was so horny my girlfriend regularly bled. don't feel too bad you did nothing wrong. try to be more sensitive it seems like your girlfriend has some hangups with sex. in your case id only have sex as an expression of love, not lust. she'll appreciate that greatly. try not to be ruled by your hormonal impulses, its not very appealing

>>97974 >>97985 I'm guessing this was some kind of planned sexual encounter that she didn't feel up to in the moment. It happens all the time. She needs to be comfortable with saying no and dealing with the consequences of that (maybe giving you some time to masturbate alone), and you need to be comfortable with the possibility of not getting something you were looking forward to. It's sexual assault if you actually did put pressure on her or forced yourself on her, but it doesn't sound like you did. Even if she was afraid that you would get mad at her or hurt her, unless you made threats or have a history of that, it is just her fear and nothing you did. She wasn't sexually assaulted just because she felt like she should do something she didn't want to do. If your side of the story is the whole story then it's pretty soykafty of her to go around saying that, I would cut off contact. I'm 28 and I still feel like my hormones are some kind of beast inside that I have to control. But it's really not that hard to control it now. It's important to not feel ashamed just for having sexual urges, I reject the "men are gross" sentiment above and the idea that all men are low-key rapists. The only time to feel ashamed is if you actually do something wrong.

>>97977 >unless you threatened her with violence or physically forced her to do something sexual, you didn't sexually assault her Thats not true. If he asked her repeatedly until she said yes, it could still be rape. There doesn't have to be violence. If a woman threatens a man, telling him that if he doesn't have sex with her, then she will tell everyone he raped her, then what she did is rape too. >>97982 >Complain about testicular pain Don't do this. If there was no direct ask for sex then it wasn't rape, but you have to be honest with yourself about what really happened: only you know the events that transpired, whether it was just mentioning that your dick hurt or pleading her to touch you because it might help, or suggesting it would make you feel better. If you were actually experiencing pain from it, then you should be able to relieve yourself without someone else taking responsibility. So there's no reason to bring it up. Instead, you could do something sweet, like buy her chocolate and make her feel special.

>>97994 >If he asked her repeatedly until she said yes, it could still be rape There has to be some element of coercion. "I'm not leaving your room until you have sex with me" -> rape "Please please can we have sex" -> annoying, but not rape "

>>97994 >>98005 *sean connery voice* seventeen nos and a yes... is a yes

Is my only option for peace and quiet to move out to the middle of the fuarrrking desert? I hate the fuarrrking sound of cars, dogs, sirens, fireworks. The most annoying thing I cant fathom how everyone around me seems to tolerate the same fuarrrking noise without issue. Someone that lives on the same property with me drives an obnoxiously loud car and I just cant understand how these subhumans aren't capable of understanding that other people around them don't want to be subjected to the noise at 4am when they drive to work.

>>98035 yes, or rural fuarrrking country/county where you want have a neighbor for at least a mile and half i was raised in the county and dealt with animal noises, guns, cars, music and garage work in the night. i live in a city neighborhood complex now and it's more annoying despite less noise

I tried going to the local transfem meetup but I got too scared and I just sat in a corner of the park pretending to read. fmsbl

>>98077 >mentioning that you're trans on an imageboard ohhhh, now you've gone and done it. They'll emerge like roaches now. *gets broom*

>>98078 it would be more accurate to compare trannies to roaches since their ideology is basically an infestation, plus they are usually disgusting. both can also fly (more or less, usually hovering a few feet above ground)

>>98085 *whacks with broom* go on, git!

>>98086 To my shame, I chuckled a bit. >>98085 Why, do they eat human waste too?

>>98086 lore-accurate would be handing you the broom and saying go on git yourself >>98087 yep and on camera!

>>98077 >>98077 >>98077 Sounds right. Transfems are so difficult sometimes... almost as catty in person as they are on image boards (>>98091 >>98087 >>98086 >>98085 >>98078 ). :')

>>98085 >no u It's true, actually. We are also highly versatile scavengers, and impervious to nuclear strikes.

>>96016 I'm in a similar boat at 30. Modern romance is essentially dead and has been replaced by algorithms and the like. Just like modern friendships, it's very surface level and not expected to last. If you want actual romance (and actual relationships in general), it's the luck of the draw, although you have to find places to meet people that are at least conducive to that thought process. I'm not saying that you shouldn't find love so much as you have to be extremely intentional about it now more than ever nowadays since people have increasingly become simultaneously animistic and robotic.

i get looks from a transfem crush, but every time the fuarrrking heartbeat goes to sip soykaf, i start to shake and freeze all at the same time and i have to look away. i just hope she understands. what a great pick by the way, looking at the guy with identity disorders and paranoia

It's annoying when people ask "how are you still a virgin? How have you not dated anyone?" I get asked this because I'm fairly attractive and hold small talk well, but the simple reason is that there is no real precedent for why I shouldn't be one. I didn't have female friends growing up, I don't have female friends now, I barely leave the house, I never learned how to socialize romantically nor did I ever put much effort into figuring out how to, and masturbation satisfies me without making me lose a bunch of money I don't have in the first place. Is it so hard for people to understand that just because I look like I should be living a normal life doesn't mean that the rest of the ingredients needed to make that happen aren't there? Just because a house is painted doesn't mean there's foundation supporting it. My family and couple of friends have stopped asking about my "relationship status" because they got the memo that if I have lived a quarter of a century and still haven't done one of the most basic things humans do to socialize, then something besides "focusing on myself" is the issue. I don't blame randos for applying their internal ruleset to other people's problems, but for some reason I feel that the energy I spent hashing over the issue and the results I found should've been spewed out into the collective consciousness by now.

>>98150 I'm so tired of hearing virgins complain about being a virgin. first of all, sex is vastly overrated. second of all, it's not that hard to have sex, get a job, hang out with a girl and you will have sex within a year. third. I wish I had saved my virginity for someone that I truly loved and would be with forever, when you have sex with someone you give them a piece of your soul and the empty space in you is filled with them. when you have sex with someone you dont even love it feels awful and its almost like making a horcrux in harry potter, it splits your soul and you become a monster. i know this is the venting thread but honestly either get over it or take it to wizchan

>>97909 I am reminded of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when a person is going through difficult circumstances like starvation, they will not think about getting a new car, for instance. Rather, they will want to satisfy that immediate physical need. It's a similar situation, where being away from abuse and satisfying the base allows you to go higher in the pyramid, and eventually reach the top. Re: your question. That is partially it. Surely when it comes to child abuse, a period critical for the development of the self, there are always going to be defects in identity because this crucial process is disrupted. If another person came up to me and told me "I'm feeling like x", I would have a similar response and I'd explain to them that happiness is something that is not an island where people are happy all the time, but rather an animal that the more you try to catch the more you scare away, so it's important to instead make an environment that the animal would want to live in so that it comes to you when it desires, and leaves when it wants, rather than you running behind it trying to catch it. But this insight tends to disappear when I have to deal with matters partaining to myself. So it's 50% the fact that my own self and desires are a blindspot and 50% the fact that when I do know what I want and that part is no longer innacessible or invisible to me, I struggle to achieve it or I achieve a subpar version of it. I live in the land of ideas, not actions.

>>98155 >get a job Foid detected. Stopped reading here.