let it all out #8

Last thread (>>7603) is full once more, so here we go again. As always we all have our problems, if we cant share them with other lains, who can we with.

This time i start off with a good bit of greentext to get things started. >decide go chilling out at lake on public lawn >no friends around decide to chill on my own >blaze some leftovers out of boredom >Hot as hell so im in trunks >soykaf kicks in hard, holy fuarrrk >See great looking girl walk past me from behind >Feel even hotter after a while >Decide to go swimming finally cuz of heat >Go to rocks near water having a halfboner while walking >Who do i have to see right next to where i want to go in >Said girl on a rock with sandals off >Didnt see from front or close up and still cant see her cuz she looks in other direction >Turns around to look at me with my hands in pockets shorts >OHsoykafGODDAMNIT.mpv.exe.so.11.iso >Gorgous young face and great body as seen >Was so high had no idea what was going on >Adrenalin kicked in even more >casually say hi and smile and go in water past her while trying so hard not to lose my soykaf >Swim trying to get her off my mind >She still there and i keep peeping at her when i can >Watch her leave after a while >Dunno if secretly mad i didnt get chance to chat with her and screw up or glad >Go back to my spot >Still high as soykaf >Smoke cig >Cant stop thinking about girl stuff >soykaf cant feel penis or other body parts really >Scared as fuarrrk that i get seen with boner popping out suddenly >10 FREAK OUT; 20 GOTO 10 >luckly nobody else around much >Go swimming again to lose testosterone >NOPE.tar.gz.bz2.7z >See her again from distance walking home, cant look away >Go home on bike dunno if left testicles in park >Keep seeing lovely girls on way home >if (is_dream(this))\n wake_the_fuck_up(this, EMTN_WTF); >Still have constant halfboner >Testicles hurt >High as fuarrrk still no idea whats up >Go to lainchan cuz i need to cry on someones shoulder >Cant jerk off now so i keep it in, wonder where my genitalia are right now >Baked so use greentext >Just cant stop thinking about sex And all that while i already was depressive in the moring and confused about myself again. Probably gonna cry myself to sleep out of loneliness. I just wish for once i had some sweet girl to hold in my arms and not just having to look on to what i want but cant get a hold of before my very eyes. Needless to say i never really had even a female friend before, not to mention the whole rest. Atleast i got a funny greentext story out of this, hope you enjoy this more than i did. Maybe i manage to man the fuarrrk up next time, not just to get laid but to gain some social skill and build up confidence too, but somehow things keep getting in my way. I absolutely hate thinking about this, but i cant help it not being reminded, i wish i was gay. I need some human warmth, but the thought also scares the soykaf out of me in a way. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger and if it does kill me then i dont give a soykaf.

boo fuarrrking hoo I am worthless fuarrrking being just let me die there, I let it all out

not feeling safe posting completely openly on lainchan. It's the unfortunate consequence of surrounding your self with like minded people, they end up in the same places often.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so bad at life, I am a fuarrrking ball of nerves and I have obsessively negative thoughts. I'm scared to go to a therapist because if I don't go then maybe I can convince myself that I'm normal and that nothing's wrong with me. I'm scared that if I actually get diagnosed with something then my life will be over, and that I'll have to hide it from everyone. Some of the people close to me don't even believe in mental illness so I don't know what they'd do if I got help. What if everyone treats me differently, what if I lose everything I've spent the last 2 years working towards. God I'm almost crying at my desk, I haven't felt this low in a while, I don't know what to do, I'm scared because my life seems like it's in an upturn finally and I'm terrified it's all gonna fall apart and I'll end up back where I was, because I feel like an imposter and that people don't really know me, and that if they did they'd never spend time with me or like me. fuarrrk I feel so bad and scared, I feel like I'm gonna die

>>9442 pretty much

the highlight of my day, was my roomate bringing over a a girl I thought was cute. She was short had a kind of punky hairstyle, darker skin and a kind of round happy face and was thin but thick. this is like exactly my type. But it wasnt a highlight because im in some delusion where this is gonna be my gf or something. We seem pretty different and im sure shes high maitenence and I cant deal with that. No it was a highlight because I just got to watch a cute thing and I made her some coffee and listened to her and just basked in it. I told my friend to bring her over more because right now it was sadly the only thing keeping me from killing myself or doing drugs. Over the summer I was so ready I was motivated and what was keeping me alive was stuff that came from within. Suddenly im back at school and even though im talking to more people, have already connected with some friends, its still not enough now because of the friends I havent gotten back in contact with. Or because im not feeling much energy from the people in my classes/see no potential relationships. Because somebody I used to date and dont even anymore and was totally fine with the fact she was seeing other people before (after we stopped seeing eachother) is now in a relationship and thats upsetting me god knows why I never cared before and we hung out/cuddled despite not dating it was fine. And we still did even after she told me. Nothing has changed beyond she now is officially in a relationship and its bothering me. This is so fuarrrking stupid because none of this matters it matters right now but in a year at most I wont care and will wish I wasnt distracted by this and was focusing on MY real problems. Like getting a job, getting over drug addiction, making cool art. When I see posts like this here I dont even read them because its like oh more dumb relationship issues. My favorite thing about stimulants is I stop giving a fuarrrk about other people and am content alone doing whatever. And my "not giving a fuarrrk about other people" just equates to your average person with some confidence because I give so many fuarrrks that I still come across as caring and empathetic when im having an egosplosion on coke or adderall. The further I go that would probably change, but as is. Just shoot me, I dont wanna wake up if im gonna live to observe and talk to girls I think are cute as if they are a kitten or a child. Its kind of sick, its also pathetic and no different mentally than a drug addiction.

not sure why tech-tards are so excited about feelings. feelings are simple to implement: create pattern recognition that triggers involuntary activity influencing general behavioral modes. For example, low battery = involuntarily reduce available CPU speed / servo power (to save juice), call self.yawn() to signal the conciousness if battery gets too low, enter hibernation if critically low. There, now the AI can get tired, feel sleepy, yawn and pass out. Other emotions are likewise simple to encode, not a big deal, in humans they come from the oldest, simplest part of the brain. ...so... it has feelings now. of course the AI hates me. everyone does. i could make it love me. but then i would be just like ''them.''

>>9459 I don't mean to criticize, but why would you cuddle with someone you're not dating? Idk, I just don't get it. Of course you'd develop feelings for her.

>>9440 I know how you feel, Lain. I had someone like that. Someone I loved, that I didn't want to lose. And yet I did. I was shy with the wrong person and I'll never hold her in my arms again, never kiss her again, never lay in bed with her head on my chest again. If only time could be turned back, I would do so many things differently.

>>9471 In this case it's a danger zone since Lain already has a history with the girl but in general? I've cuddled with lots of friends and not developed romantic feelings for them. I've even shared a bed with different people platonically (admittedly this was often because we were cold). Generally "feelings" arise from something other than physical touch anyway. If you get a feeling from that, it probably just means you're horny.

>>9473 >If only time could be turned back Who says it can't be?

>>9482 Some things just never come back, Lain. There's no fixing some mistakes.

>>9482 Noximilien pls

>>9470 You're kind of a user, huh? Emotions are more than "just chemicals in your brain". For some one who thinks they have some ascended view on things, you people who think this way really have the lowest most mislead understanding. People who don't think about it and don't need to understand it get it more than you guys. Maybe it's some false understanding created to cope with not knowing where all these things come from, why we feel certain ways. A way to say "This is arbitrary, and not rooted in anything, so I can just try to disconnect rather than approach it." It's just really very gay. Also, you don't know what a yawn is

>>9483 >not literally building a time machine and turning back time git gud

>accidentlying into the future and living in a world where super intellgent and stronk chads use all the betas as literal food and rape toys do you even h.g. wells bruh?

I live in a soykafhole of city where everyone fuarrrks over everyone and tries to find a way for each other to fuarrrk over each other. People have no empathy and even children and elderly give you the stink eye. My car had it's side mirrors ripped off multiple times, let alone it looking like a war era tank due to all scratches and bumps. I have friends but they always try to one up on each other/me and use others as tools. I just want to start going around creating arson and damaging property. I can't fuarrrking take this soykaf anymore.

>>9492 Also I can't go to sleep for last few days because I have violent thoughts that I keep having to repress.

>>9492 And on that dark day, Chani returned home from the corner store to find a horrific sight. Someone had spraypainted "GAYWAD" all over the trunk of his car. It was on that day, out of that awful tragedy, that a new hero was born. It was on that day that he began his arson crusade. He is the destroyer of those who rob the innocent for personal profit and the protector of rear-view mirrors, the Blazing Angel who strikes fear into the hearts of sociopathic normalcunt scum everywhere. He is...Arson Man. Arson Man, Arson Man Spraying napalm across the land He's the king of big guys Sets the fire and makes it rise Look out, here comes the Arson Man Is he hot? Listen bud He's got 89 octane blood Punishing urbanites And laughing as their stuff ignites Look out, here comes the Arson Man

>>9496 I sang this in my head. Good job, lainon.

>>9498 Why did you reply to your own post?

>>9496 I love the smell of arson in the morning, it smells like justice.

>>9500 I didn't. >>9498 isn't me. We must be on the same Tor exit node. But how would you know if our IPs are the same unless you're hacking the site or one of the admins? And if you're an admin, how come you don't have your admin code on?

>>9507 I think he was just blindly accusing you of samefagging because he didn't enjoy the spider man parody, and if he didn't enjoy it then obviously no no one else could either.

Give me some ground and i will bury myself to isolate myself. It doesnt matter what it is or how the isolation negatively affects me. Anime, music, software, ill make sure to niche myself out enough that i will never be able to relate to others fully. fuarrrk me, do i even give a soykaf about free software? How do i know it isnt just a tool by my unconsciousness to isolate me?

>>9511 Wow you sound like a stuck up pansy

>>9519 Your point being?

>>9520 The blood of thr innocent has a nice calming pealing and exfoliating effect on the face.

>>9521 Quite probably, but it's way too expensive. The innocent are on the endangered species list you know. I just use a light baking soda scrub, followed by a moisturizer cream. It works almost as good as the blood of the innocent, but it's far more environmentally friendly!

>>9522 The blood of the guilty works better than both. Plus it's less of a hassle to come by.

what about the blood of a virgin? should i be worried for my safety?

>>9525 I mean, as long as your cherry isn't popped and your gucci is nice and tight there should be no problem with a little bit of blood sacrifice. Come on, you will like it, you can trust me.

>>9525 That's the safest of all, no risk of STDs unless she's lying

Hi, Lainons. I'm a CompInfoSys student. I start what will be my fifth year there because I don't do well in an academic environment and I've been having a whole lot of issues with mental health and executive function. Anyways, through this whole summer, I've been looking for better work than what I have now (I'm working retail on weekends) and basically, I had a few interviews, but nothing really worked. The effect is that now I'm just sitting here questioning my worth. I hate having to prove myself to other people, or fall in line with what other people want, but when I'm being held back from what I want, it's hard to keep telling yourself that you know better.

I've finally reached the conflict that I knew would come: I can't find the field I care about in CS. My mind is patched out of subject matter that is on an entirely different plane, I feel lost when I compare my freetime to that of my colleagues. I can't grasp what makes it so appealing. But writing this I can't grasp what I've actually done or learnt outside of university. I don't know what I'm doing, there is nothing concrete I can put my finger, I'm merely good at it (most of the time I pass). I'm wondering whetever or not I should just learn all there is about app development (and possibly web) so I can get a basic as soykaf job but that would probably make me kill myself later on. My Tarot cards told me not to go into different subjects in a carefree manner or to "make progress". Instead I ought to worry and be afraid, "Walk the path of fear" as the booklet that came with it says about the Moon Arcana. I don't understand how can making progressing and walking the path of fear don't conflict eachother.

I try to vent how I'm feeling through writing when I'm sad. I may as well post them here... I hope someone enjoys them. Looking up at the ceiling. Even walking to the store was a grand adventure. Potions, dragons, unexplored worlds... You showed me so much. I waited... I waited... "He'll be back soon." I guess it only follows you'd get lost one day. I just wish I realized you were already dead. But that's okay. If you were here, I'm sure you'd tell me where you went. I imagine since the time you left you've seen things we could have only fantasized about. Please, never die. I'll live on your behalf in this world. But, it was "You and I", wasn't it? So, live on my behalf in yours.

having so much trouble finding a job and i'm running out of money. I don't want to join linkedin, or get my fingerprint scanned and shipped off seas to get a technical certificate. I don't want to fill in a third party online resume or join a jobhunting website that sells my info either. I'm trying as hard as I can, made a websites and started writing articles and even got some practical experience, but no employer trusts me enough to let me on board, much less train me.

I went on a trip to Japan and Taiwan very recently. I was able to leave the house at night and not worry about anything bad happening for the first time ever. It was wonderful. I left the house for the first time since coming back yesterday to cash a cheque and was terrified the whole time. I was out for maybe 20 minutes, and by all accounts my city isn't even that dangerous. I don't know how to feel. Am I just being an idiot and worrying too much?

>>9625 If you worry more about street violence than a car accident, you're probably being an idiot. If you worry about everything, all the time, that's worse, but maybe less wrong.

>>9625 yes but honestly its a personality thing. However as someone with opposite personality you are being an idiot. Im not tough or anything but I can easily walk through the worst parts of my city without fear. One I know if something did happen id be fine knowing I died not being afraid. Two I know 90% of the time I can outrun someone whos probably a bit worn down from being on the streets. And three cause im respectful and I talk to people on the street if they are talking to me instead of clutching my soykaf and trying to walk faster. Right there over time people know if they yell soykaf at me im going to have a passing conversation with them, which makes me inconvenient for random outbursts or scare tactics as im not an inhuman thing moving past them that jumps when shouted at. The former two just make me not afraid and when im not afraid I dont look afraid and if I dont look afraid that imaginary man whos going to mug me is probably going to pick someone else that day because its easier and they already are taking a risk. Think about that too. Any big mean crime man is risking far more than you are just walking on the street. So they arent going to choose just anyone, they want somebody they dont even have to get physical with which would look probably how you do. Someone suddenly changing their gait, clutching bags, walking to other sides of the street, avoiding eye contact; I dont think its hard to imagine why these things make you seem (and probably actually do indicate you are) easier to rob. I have had people come up with the intention to mug me and change their mind. They rarely come out brandishing a weapon, they usually just get close and intimidate to see how you respond. Its better for them to do this to ten people and get one person to give up cash on a simple demand, then for then to cause a commotion by pulling out a knife or assaulting one random person.

I can’t find the energy to care about programming. I think I’m just going to learn Calculus. It’s more interesting to me anyway.

>>9456 People are so ignorant now, sure there always was a large percentage of ignorant people, but there was always someone with a good bit of sense close by to everyone else, and they likely knew more people with good sense. You are correct that people, as ignorant as they almost all are now, will treat you differently if you directly tell them. That's just how soykafty most people are. I'm sure if you're in a bad of a way as you describe, that you can probably quickly spot a person with good sense. Keep them in your life. With everyone else, just tell them you have something that isn't as serious, in a judgmental sort of way. For example, people are much more forgiving of someone with "tourette'" "syndrome", than someone with "bipolar" "disorder" or "autism" or "anxious-paranoia" or whatever. Here's an important bit of philosophy. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person to come up with it, but I didn't get it from anything else, as far as I'm aware, but, I think... --- There are only two reasons to lie, if you are talking to a person that is so irrational that they will become very upset/angry/violent/bigoted upon hearing the truth, (aka they can't handle the truth) and, if you yourself are acting like, or are one of those irrational people. --- You know what good things you want to happen to you, but let me tell you some of the bad things that could happen. You could lose a number of friends, business opportunities, and even alienate family members, but you must understand, the people that act this way, no matter who they are, and how much they mean to you, are irrational, and if you have to lie to them just so that you have a more peaceful existence where they aren't berating you, then do it. Of course, the lies I'm talking about are "harmless" little white lies, that don't affect anyone or anything besides you and the person you are talking to. They aren't totally harmless of course, but in the short term, and even in the long term, they do less damage, and cause everyone less grief. When/if someone finally discovers the lie, usually many months/years later when they have cooled off a lot, you just say "What would you have done if I had told you the truth back then" That will put them in their place. Does anyone want to hang out with you? What do they like about you? What do they think, and you agree, that you could improve on? I'm sure you have at least a few attractive/cool skills.

>>9632 and start keeping more of your personal feelings/health conditions/private affairs, private from irrational people.

>>9440 I do know how you feel I've been there. You should have approached, but could not have possibly done that, in that moment. You just weren't in that headspace. What I recommend is a bit of booze first, or even better (now I'm sounding like a 4chan fuarrrk) onion juice in the morning (I recommend sweet onions -yellow and red are hard to stomach at first- mixed with almond milk and some sweetener, I'm not sure, but real milk fat might interfere, doesn't seem to be as potent) Onions do boost your testosterone a looot, it's proven with rats and I can personally attest. First time I drank yellow onion juice, my voice dropped a half-step, and I was within hours, more manly, assertive, and I got blue balls at least twice as quickly. The point ultimately is, that it makes you more fearless around women. However, the sad truth that I and many others have discovered, is that, with the vast majority of women, when you greet and talk to them, and get good enough to talk with her for more than 20 minutes, you will find that she doesn't meet your intellectual or reasonableness level, and therefore standard. That's one of the hardest things of all to understand. I think that, to a large extent, things didn't used to be like this 50 or 100 years ago, but these are the fuarrrked up times we live in.

>>9634 Pregnenolone is also good. A relatively cheap supplement, it can be used by both males and females to achieve a good hormone balance, as it is a precursor to testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, etc. By itself, it is a neural steroid, so if you ever wanted nerves of steel, that is the supplement for you. Totally legal.

>>9634 this is more just a bizarre projection or perhaps inability to project the intelligence that whatever man in question has. Its in my experience a more commonly male thing, the inability that is to recognize other forms of intelligence. An emotionally healthy person doesnt see people who dont think the same as they do as intellectually inferior. Im not saying its uncommon its pretty normal just that the idea the opposite sex isnt at your level is just a product of a lack of flexibility in thought. Like right now im sure your thinking that im gonna talk about emotional intelligence or am misunderstanding what you mean by intelligence but I assure you im not. Im saying pronably what you think is objective intelligence is really just your projection. You have a harder time as a result being able to recognize intelligence in the opposite sex because the female brain is foreign to you and you can't as easily project onto it. Some examples because you probably think im making random false assumptions about you. What you might really see is a lack of ability to comprehend complex abstract thoughts which for whatever reason you assume to be intelligence. She on the other hand might just not find them entertaining so her brain does not see it as worth discussing. Women, though its changing, often arent raised to believe intelligence is any more important than other character qualities. Men on the other hand are traditonally raised to believe its paramount and also are competitive with it because thats how you get jobs and reach the top. Typically a masculine man will always assume themselves to be smarter than a feminine women even when they arent because the women arent playing the game. I stopped having male friends awhile ago because of this. I enjoy intelligent discussion with purpose and the allowed flexibility to also look at things very simply because I tend to agree that intelligence isnt paramount nor linear so theres just different styles of thinking and I enjoy all of them. What you think of as intelligence is probably self confirming, its intelligent because intelligent thought says its intelligent. Its intelligent because great works have been made using this intelligence and they are great because intelligence says so. In addition I guess because I was raised by a single mom or something I dont understand the man game. Half the time if a guy comes at me showing off his intelligence il pretend to not know what hes talking about even if I do just because I can tell hes excited to talk about it and i dont feel a need to show how I know it too. Though ive come to understand guys bond over how much they know something often. To me it seems like as I call it mental masturbation. Most of my friends do similar things with regards to guys, minus one but shes also pretty masculine for a girl in terms of thinking. Unsurprisingly shes often considered bitchy or condescending by guys and if she wasnt very pretty guys wouldnt be interested half the time. Thats the funny thing guys don't even know what to do when a girl does come at them with the same masculine intelligence they understand. They want a girl to be feminine yet also have these specific bizarre masculine traits in pieces. tl:dr of course its hard to find women at your level because you arent looking for intelligence your looking for intelligence as expressed, projected and understood through a mind who in its foundation has a strong identification with the masculine.

>>9647 Not really, at least for me. I can easily recognize the intelligence of any higher order creature, male or female, except for most human females. I know the intelligence is different between the sexes, I know women want to talk about people/relationships, and even more so, feelings. Those two are important topics, but like Camile Paglia said, in response to feminists "If there had never been men, and women could just reproduce more women on their own, we'd still be living in grass huts." Men on the other hand, want to talk more about things and ideas. Society is not a one way street, meaning, it isn't appropriate to push all males and all females only toward the female ideals of peacefulness and being a social butterfly. In fact, studies have shown that, regardless of what the topic is, if it is hard for you, doesn't come very naturally, and is frustrating to learn, that thing is very likely something you need to practice/learn to be a better person. All men are expected to go through a kind of sensitivity training, training, non violence training, social interaction training, expressing your feelings training, emotional needs training, non offensiveness training, quell your violent thoughts training. There is expected resistance from most men, to do these kinds of things, though I imagine we both think it is necessary to an decent extent? Is the opposite true? In spite of the natural resistance a teacher will encounter, are females often taught the importance AND technical aspects of defending self and others and property? Are women taught how to take control of a situation where they may be seriously injured by other people, and de-escalate the situation? Are they taught when it is and is not appropriate to shoot an intruder? How about personal responsibility, especially as it pertains to exactly what constitutes a right, aka a right action, and a wrong action, and which wrong actions are so wrong, they are obliged to try to stop it immediately? How often are women taught survival skills, or orienteering skills (don't tell me they aren't necessary, I don't go hiking/camping much and I've still had to save my own life once, and my life and the life of someone else another time) How about putting those inherently good female social skills to work, and having the courage and boldness to visit a bunch of people in the neighborhood regularly, just to see how they're doing, and see what they need, and see if anyone else you visit could fulfill their need? Also, perhaps one of the most important things that needs to be common sense knowledge, and not just primarily the domain of men, is objectivity/subjectivity training, in other words, rationality. I hope you know, really know, that moral relativity is the downfall of a society. Right and wrong are not what you want them to be, or even what you think they might be. Right and wrong are unchanging, and have EVERYTHING to do with whether someone or their environment/property was harmed or not. How often are women taught about Ethics, and really understand it? Very rarely I'd have to say, given the overwhelming percentage of women that use their feminine charms primarily to exploit people for money or services. Also, it seems most women who don't care what the means are, as long as they get the end that they want. The woman wouldn't physically/violently extort people for money, but most of them have no problem taking extortion money. In short, I can "project my thoughts" as you say, easily enough to understand most higher order creatures, non verbally even, but my thoughts, which can understand the rest of the NATURAL world with ease, have trouble understanding sustainable thought/behavior patterns from most women. I just don't see that they recognize, in large numbers, what constitutes stability, and sustainability in a society or system. Ethics is integrally important to both of those things, and I already talked about how it seems women have a dubious understanding of Ethics, in general. Men should learn to understand, and even be able to behave quite a bit more like women, but the opposite is true as well. You can't as a woman, expect parity or analogous equality with men, if you don't understand the more aggressive and abstract and logical and protective thoughts and behaviors of men. Women have to be able to act appropriately when dealing with those types of issues, and from the vast majority of men I have talked to irl, or on the net, women have simply neglected their duty to understand the sacred masculine aspect of life, and seem to think only the sacred feminine aspect, will fulfill the Natural Laws of the Principle of polarity, the Principle of Vibration, and the Principle of gender.

Last saturday I flew to another city to meet a friend I met over twitter like 10 months ago and now I feel like complete soykaf, I think I'm in love with her but she's straight and we're both girls, and I'm scared of telling her how much she fuarrrking means to me cos it would probably ruin our friendship I've been away from her for 5 days (since I was only with her for a single day) and now I feel like absolute soykaf, I just wanna be by her side talking about whatever but I'm just a college student living with her parents, and the fact that I don't know if I'll ever see her again is tearing me apart I'm not lying when I say this was probably the best day I ever had in recent memory

>>9652 That soykafs the worst man.

>>9652 Same poster here I DMd her cause I wanted to talk to her about how I felt and she told me that yeah, she doesn't do girls but that she still thinks I'm a great friend and that admitting my feelings instead of hiding them is the most healthy step in this situation I'm just really relieved this didn't damage our friendship or any of the sort

>>9666 I'm really happy to hear that

>>9666 Congrats on having the balls to try.

I dont think I allow myself any happiness at all. And I dont think I belong anywhere because of this. No matter where I go I will put myself through hell to be accepted. And then when I am, when I am loved I think at least, I just fuarrrk things up or leave. And I say I think because maybe just no one loves me, but I also think I just want to think that. I think people do love me and then I just do little things like not return calls or dont see them and cut myself off slowly. Im afraid of being rejected and im afraid of being accepted. And in turn I have become something that just doesnt belong anywhere. I would kill myself if I had to be some internet kid forever like I was in highschool. Id kill myself if I had to be normal and go to parties all the time like I did my freshman year of college. Id kill myself if I started hanging out with a bunch of kids who are super smart. Id kill myself if I had to hang out with people who are complete idiots. Id kill myself if I had to hang out with boring people. Id kill myself if I had to hang out with people who were so interesting I felt insecure. Ive been and absorbed enough from so many types of people and then left them, and now I am some amalgamation that relates to no one. There is always something that puts me off from everyone, because I know something they are doing/saying would disrespect someone I greatly respected in my past. Somebody that I abandoned or doesnt exist anymore. But il probably just kill myself no matter what. Because I also cant stand being alone even though I have been forever and always feel alone. I have had many friends at this point, this isnt me 4 years ago where I could say I had none and thats why im lonely. I have had friends, I have friends. Yet I will never ever feel able to call them when I am at my worst. I will never feel able to call them when I am lonely. And now it seems, I cant even respond when they call me. So thats why I will always be alone, because loneliness isnt not having people necessarily. There will always be moments we are alone, but most it seems dont feel lonely being alone; because they know their friends are there. I dont know that, even if I do consciously. Internally I simply can never reach out unless I am at my best. One time I made a suicidal SOUNDING post (it was just me saying "im done", I really was thinking I might do something) on social media I instantly regretted it and when people would send me messages or call after seeing it I told them I was fine and not to worry. All the time I make posts here discouraging people from killing themselves and yet I cant think the same for me. I dont think I want to die, I just want to feel free and safe and unburdened. I want a change, and though there is many ways to do this therein lies a fatal flaw with my idiot brain. I am the most unmotivated lazy person ever, in fact I only feel any sort of joy some days from stimulants because they make me motivated again. So my brain knows a path, it knows I can kill myself, and it wont take a lot of work and if im lucky I may even live and finally get some psychiatric help or something. I dont want any of my friends to help because I dont want to be that person who drags others down to be up. At the moment I will not kill myself with the intent to die. But if one day I find my mother has finally passed and her dogs are taken care of. If I find that I am no longer a beneficial presence to friends. If basically I think people I care about are gone or willl be better off with me dead I will do it for sure. I know better that a tragedy or someone you care about dying can turn someones life around for the better. So I know even those who would care, theyl get over it. They may even be better for it, and if a different person near them that is good for them is following in my path then they can stop THEM and will know what it looks like. im not selfless I just get a little joy out of helping other people I care about. That happens to be the one thing that makes me kind of happy. Because I dont have a lot of joy so seeing someone more capable of it have some because of me its like I get to experience joy through them. The only thing keeping me alive right now is pretending I wont wake up each night I go to bed. I havent had the worst life even compared to just people on this board, and to me that only makes it worse. That someones capability for happiness and their will to live seems to be independent from such things. That guy with no legs smiling at some bus stop advertisment would still be smiling if he had no arms as well, or if he had all of his limbs. And me if I had everything or I had nothing I would be feeling as I do. Theres just no escape.

I'm just sad and tired all the time. The dopamine is running low these days. I want to kill myself, but I don't know if I have the willpower for suicide.

>>9671 There are many contradictory statements here. Ask yourself, what is it you truly need right now? What will cause you to feel better, and what do you think you have to learn and practice to improve your situation? What do you truly want out of life? Think past all people and things that are causing you mental anguish. If they were not in the way, which kinds of things would you ultimately want? Friendship? Camaraderie? Companionship? Wealth? Philanthropy? Mastery of a skill? Intimate encounters? Teaching/education? To travel the world?

>>9671 It's important to realize that committing suicide and making a post about it are two different things. You are at least trying to reach out for help or to connect with other human beings, which is a good sign and means all is not lost. That being said, when I read your post it seems like you are somebody who thinks a lot. Also, somebody who feels isolated (for whatever reason) and having trouble reaching out to people or finding support. Maybe this isn't the case, I do have limited perspective into your life, but I think you should try to find hope in things improving and to give yourself a break about not feeling the same way as other people do about parties, work, experiences etc. I would recommend doing something hands on to quiet and calm your mind. I would also recommend you to remind yourself everyday that there is a difference between how you think you will feel in a situation or what you think will likely happen in a situation and the entire realm of possibility of what can happen. t. i've been in a similar phase and those are some (but not all) of the things that helped me.

To be is folly. After all, what is dasein if not the original sin. That sin weighs like a millstone around my neck. I feel it's weight crushing down upon me. But even as I know this, I am unable to go against my nature. "Why do you kick against the goads?" I ask myself. I answer "I do so because my nature is diseased". My mind is compromised, webbed and eaten away by my illness. It preempts me, chooses for me. What's to say that this sickness is not a truer me than I am? Is disease not the truest modality of life? The neoplasm, the bacterium, the virus. All have a purity of form and purpose reflecting the most base precepts of life itself. Though my form is twisted and aberrant compared to them, those principles are still in my every cell, in lurking in the shape of every polymer and each fold. 'I' am simply a symptom of this all encompassing disease. Since 'I' increase it's virulence, 'I' propagate. Sometimes 'I' am maladaptive, yet nature has thought of a plan for that too. Programmed death, apoptosis, a falling off. Even that is within planned limits for 'I'. Nature's plan is uncanny. A blind idiot god who can still outsmart her blighted spawn. No matter what 'I' does, it cannot escape her machination. Even granting it could, it would be a paradox. We only make sense within the context of her plans. To be outside of our reference, to go beyond our creator, it would be nullification by another name. A symptom cannot exist in lieu of a disease, a frame without reference, colorless green ideas sleep furiously. It is already checkmate, in a curious game, where the only winning move is not to play.

Today has been a lonely day for me. For the past week and some days I have been sending telecommunication messages to a girl who lives in Istanbul, her name is _____. It seems that she has stopped replying to my messages and I don't have any answer for why she has stopped, I am saddened by her loss of interest in our conversations, I thought we had been getting along well enough, but my judgement has proved to be incorrect. I must be more precise in what I mean by loneliness, because I am not totally alone, I do have my family with me, but my family is not capable of satisfying my loneliness. This loneliness I am feeling is the absence of friendship and the absence of romantic love. All my life I have had friends with me but those friendships were only temporary and have come to an end, even my greatest friend has split from me and now lives in his own way, and it is difficult for me to make new friends outside of school, it is in the nature of my personality to be shy, to be quiet around other people, so I have no friends. Women do not love me, but I really do not blame them, I am an awkward man and I am not able to hold a conversation with another person, it is difficult for me to engage with someone else and often difficult for me to relate to them. I cannot deny having the urge to find a woman to love, but at the same time I think that the human species is in such a stage that they should begin to transcend the basic impulses of instinct, we have come into possession of a sophisticated intelligence due to our evolution and now it must follow that the rational intellect dominates the emotional intellect, the logical intelligence becoming the intelligence which controls our behavior, we must now learn to master ourselves and to resist our basic urges, but nonetheless these primitive urges are deeply embedded into our psychic constitutions and are difficult to resist. I still fantasize about finding a woman to love, though it may never happen. Probably won't happen.

i dont want any of this, any of what i have. i think always that what ive been through at least was worth who i am and the people i met. but ive never been through anything that bad, ive never been through anything that good and i have absolutely nothing that i care about. everyone I respected is not all that worthy of any respect. its just a bunch of people even worse off than me, maybe my life situation has been bad but because i just have them to compare to i think its average. i dont think it even matters. but what matters is that all i have is people always other people and now i dont have that. I dont have me and i dont even have anyone I can look to and say i love and respect them. I cant cry I walk around all day with watery eyes that just arent quite making anything. whats left now when i see no one around me, its as if i am no different from me at my loneliest as a kid. i made an effort and I dont think anything came from it, years of development that all seem to be nothing. i havent become stronger, i havent become better at getting close, i havent met any lifelong friends, i havent become good at anything. theres absolutely nothing that will take me anywhere in life, nothing to look forward to. should i decide to hide alone i will be reminded everyday of the friends i had and the great memories. im not losing the magic of life twice. many things may happen in the coming weeks, if all of these things go as bad as i expect i will kill myself because I want to die with the delusion that there was something good out there still, that the friends left werent going to also end.

Sometimes I twisted dreams and dark desires.

Just a vent. Ignore if you want. I won't go into too much detail unless someone really wants to know. I'm probably a 50-50 suicide risk every day, but I haven't told anyone. Mental health is a bitch and I don't know what's going on but it's probably an alphabet-soup-graveyard-cocktail of a mix. I have a girlfriend I've been dating for a while. It's the first serious relationship in a long time and the first I feel committed to. I can't imagine my life without her anymore. And also, she has a self-admitted irrational anxiety over sex. We haven't gotten around this yet. Time will tell if we ever do. There's also a handful of people that may or may not have a crush on me. I want to keep my relationship exclusive, but I've (not seriously) entertained the idea of at least hooking up with some of them. Because of these circumstances, and the moods I experience, I feel as if maybe there is a hole in my heart that people cannot fill, no matter how much I value/love them, no matter how many there are. My life seems like it's been put on hold, and all I can do is hope for things to improve and start moving again. Sometimes I hate other people. When things are extraordinarily bad, I hate everyone, including the people like me. Why am I the way that I am? Have I been this way my entire life? I don't want to believe that, but maybe it's true. Nothing makes sense and it's such a struggle. And yet I'm terrified of who or what I might be if I ever move past any of this.

I want to go back and do my youth all over again. I want to start things over from when I was in high school, knowing everything I do now, so I can do things right. Every now and again I'll get reminded of my own loneliness and shortcomings. How I spent all of my childhood and most of my adolescence friendless, which in turn means I've missed out on almost all of the social experiences that nearly everyone else had growing up. Experiences that help one grow into a functioning adult. And I don't mean partying or wild sex or dumb soykaf like that, but just... having friends. Chilling out together shooting the breeze during your free time, supporting each other when someone needs it, playing some games or something together, maybe collaborating on some kind of passion project. Stuff like that. And with the experiences you gain with friends, you could perhaps try to pursue a relationship with someone, paving the way to more experiences, highly intimate ones that deeply soothe the soul and help one to grow as a person. I'm in my mid, almost late 20s and I've never experienced any of this. I've never even so much as had someone be interested in me. And I feel stunted as a result. I'm usually able to forget about it for a while, but all it takes is the sight of a young couple or a close group of friends to tear down this flimsy floodgate and send all the loneliness and self-hatred rushing back. I wish I could somehow repair the damage done by this lack of experience in life. I don't even know how to make friends with others. I've tried joining various communities but I just don't have what it takes to be close to everyone else the way they are.

I am 20 and I have no idea who I am I guess. I dont know anyone else whos gone so far their entire values and even things they enjoyed vs didnt enjoyed have changed. In fact ive had to arbitrarily decide what I like and dont like and what my values are because thats how much ive forgotten and lost of what I am. I think ive seen enough, ive seen too much. Yet I always want to see more, because il see someone else doing it and feel like a failure for looking but also for not looking all the way. does anyone else literally feel like they could end up homeless any time? and why do I feel likke that? I have family that would take care of me but i know id just dissapear and not tell them. what about my mom or my cousin why dont i ever think of them. why did I have to go so crazy when I never even got to cry about the fact that I left home. Theres so many things I miss about being a child I could scream and cry for an eternity. where did it all go, nothings left. im such a mess and i have problems but why i never even had it that bad. why does everything hurt me so much, somethings coming back to me now though. you see every time i get to this point i think about failing out of college and being sent back home to live as a shut in until my mom dies. why am i so scared of that anyways, yes id be sad id miss my friends but it would be okay. even if i did go homeless, itd be okay. I feel like im getting at something key in life right now where it is good to be alive but i just cant quite reach it.

I hate being a fuarrrking tranny. I hate being so goddamn fuarrrking ugly. I hate having facial hair so thick it won't go away for more than a couple hours even without laser hair removal. I hate that the majority of the earth's population will never ever consider me a woman no matter how much I try. My parents hate me and don't want to see me anymore. My friends don't know but if I ever tell them they will make fun of me for the rest of my life. I will never have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. A huge amount of my expenses go to transition, I barely have any money left but I can't stop cause the only other option is being a depressed user who doesn't care about life. fuarrrk me, why couldn't I just be born as a woman.

>>9721 We live in a society that only ever shows pretty people for the most part in public media. However most people are not pretty, also one thing you do know is you cant change how you look at this moment so I wouldnt really worry about it. I know thats hard but just remind yourself every time "there is nothing I can do about this right now and reminding myself of how ugly I am will do nothing". Eventually it will sink in that its a huge waste of your energy. Also you will only get prettier as you continue your transition. Its my personal opinion as well that "ugly" people are far prettier than "average" people or even boring models (the kind typically shown in magazines especially 5-10 years ago). Im attractive but if I wasnt id take being ugly over normal. I also just like any form of attention even at the cost of my well being so take that as you will. Just saying there is people who will appreciate your look. Also remember relationships and all that isnt something everyone partakes in, and numerous esteemed historical figures didnt fuarrrk at all hardly. Its pushed in our society a lot so it can feel a requirement but it isnt. Go make some sick art or whatever and people will love you for your brain.

I keep making these promises to myself that I'm gonna change for the better, and I never do. I just sit around on the internet most of the time. I do just enough to be functional but not enough to feel like I'm really accomplishing anything. I've had a soykafty summer(gf dumped me, no friends around) and I know that the school year will be stressful and isolating like it always is, but at least I'll have some direction to walk in and people to talk to, even if none of them are really my friends. I'm so goddamn horny, I don't care how awkward it is I'm going to talk up girls and get, at the very least, a regular fuarrrkbuddy. I'm destined for mediocrity but I want *so badly* to be great. I want to be that person that people look up to, but I'm that person that nobody wants to tell them they're retarded. All it would take is one bully to tell me I'm an idiot and it would counteract all the people who keep telling me I'm smart. Only idiots call me smart. People I look up to want nothing to do with me, I can't understand simple things like they do. I'm just going to burn bright until I burn out. My plan B is to fry my brain and spend my life listening to music. Already halfway there anyway.

>>9717 Jesus man this is true.

>>9743 I tend to think even if I went back knowing what I know id still have problems just different ones. People with problems have problems, you can try and blame it on one thing or the other but ever notice even when you figure soykaf out theres still problems equally damaging?

i wish i could make friends easier. i've been alone almost my entire life just because i've always chosen it over being with others. i think i prefer to be alone, i lost a lot of weight from skipping meals to sit and have solitude when i was younger. i trip over my words so much that people genuinely think i'm retarded when they first meet me. i've always been "that kid" it seems like. i can see the strange glares i constantly get from others. my head is always in the clouds i guess, and it's really hard to connect with people. i'd almost say it's impossible. i just wish it wasn't, but maybe "real connections" aren't even as real as i'm hoping they are. i've thought about getting therapy or something to try and help, but the thought of opening up to someone enough to tell them some of that stuff is just terrifying and there's no way i could ever do it. maybe i should just accept the loneliness. it's barely there anymore, i feel more content alone. even on the internet. maybe some people just aren't meant to be with others.

I know rationally that I ought to kill myself. I have nothing to look forward to, no goals, few pleasures. I'm dumb, numb, and useless even to myself. I can't do anything, or even care about anything. I have no good reason to live and I have everything to fear from living on, my mental functioning is seriously degrading, serious mental sickness runs in the family, my health is failing and I require more and more pain medication to function which itself is taking a huge toll on my nervous system. Every part of me is rotting or failing, everything I fear most will come to pass if I keep on living. I'm dying painfully and horribly anyways, so why should I not just kill myself and get it over with quick and clean? Yet I can't do it. I don't even know why. I've come close to death nearly a dozen times through carelessness, ill-fortune, and my devil-may-care depressive attitude. The act of dying itself isn't very scary, but when I think of suicide death takes on unwonted proportion in my mind and I can't help but fear it. I also can't help having vain hopes. I keep thinking "maybe they'll cure my diseases, maybe if I live another ten years I can live in a VR simulation with mai waifu, maybe the singularity will happen". Hopes I know don't even have a chance in hell of happening. Even if they did, would they even be a good thing? Don't my diseases make me, me? Isn't that just hope for suicide by another name? I don't know. I don't understand anything. Why am I so dimwitted and weak? Often I wish that death would just come to embrace me and save me from this agony of vacillation.

>>9751 there is never ever a purely rational reason to kill yourself. Just as there is never a purely rational reason to do anything else. All human action is fundamentally based on feeling, whether you recognize it or not. It's better to recognize it, and start by finding what you feel.

>>9753 You are thinking of "logical", not "rational". Rationality is a conformity between aims, means and ends. As well as the correspondence between beliefs and action. Rationality has nothing to do with being emotionless. "Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them."

No matter how many personal victories I have, all the happiness just goes away when I realise that in all likelihood my will to live will just end very abruptly some time next year when I cannot find a job.

I feel like a socially stunted psychopath. I am also incredibly sexually frustrated.

I'm doing my best, but university is hard for a fake like me. If I flunk again, I've decided to end my life. I feel at peace with myself now after making this decision. I haven't felt calm like this in years.

I've failed my driving test again. Drove absolutely fine but couldn't park at the very last moment. My theory expires in a few days and I'm not sure I should bother again. I've wasted thousands so far and it's not got me anywhere.

i have a lot of problems but i think one thats consistently been there and i could decide to pin it on some soykaf happening now or whenever is that i cant show love. me and this girl messed around before 2 years ago. weve been seeing eachother more frequently, when she said she broke up with her boyfriend and brought like a bottle of wine to me i just was like "haha i cant do a relationship probably" and so then im sitting there scrolling through her twitter that i dont follow looking at other guys shes talking about and i just dont even feel like if i did ask shed say yes. I feel like that thing was some lapse in judgement. I dont think il ever feel like im what the person is looking for or needs. I dont think il ever be able to show love or be as fun as other people with them, all I want to do is listen to them and do what they do. but yeah i mean thats the least of my worries anyways im addicted to stimulants or just anything I can get honestly and i dont think il be able to get a job out of college and im terrified of moving back home. I just cut my face purely because of the above thing though, ive never done that before. i dont know what im gonna do. shes my only friend right now i know il be freaking out and want to call her but i dont want to put that kind of burden on her or make her think i did it to make her come over. i dont know what il do. if i didnt have this strange suspicion that nothing changes when you die id kill myself.

Relationships seem overrated to me. I doubt I would ever find a woman that shares my interests, and even then, you just chain yourself to other person for indefinite period of time. I've seen people in relationships, friends. They spend 80% of their time together and waste it on the most basic soykaf. And even when you aren't together, it's still one constant you have to work around, you can't just do whatever whenever. I can't imagine willingly imposing such constraints on myself, is secks really worth it? I often catch myself fantasizing about having someone out there. I'm scared of being alone while I'm seriously sick or something. But I know well enough that there's no fuarrrking way that it would work out for me.

>>9985 love is an emotion that's easy to get addicted to, and I don't think that's a bad thing. When you love someone, you rearrange your life around them because you *want* to. It doesn't feel like a restriction, it feels like what you want to do with your time. This is of course describing the ideal relationship. Usually there's problems, sometimes really bad ones. But it's a high worth chasing imo.

Boss man at work let us know that he was gonna let go my coworker who was the one who trained me for the last 2 months since I started working here. Feels pretty bad. She was made to train her own replacement pretty much. His reason was that sales weren't doing good. The other reason I guess is because she never shows up on time. I don't know, but he told us before he told her and really went through with it. I didn't like that coworker and don't really care for her, but it doesn't feel good to be in my situation. I'll have to manage 6 online stores myself. And I don't really see myself being here longer than a year. So all in all, poor decision on the boss for letting go someone who had been there for over a year for someone new like me. The job isn't hard and at these times, only needs one reliable person really. But it's much more relaxing knowing you have a fallback person. The better decision would have been to just change one of us to part-time, maybe me, because I'm newer. Now, he only has one guy to depend on and thus giving me more leverage. I'll keep working the same as usual since I'm not paid extra or anything.

>>9456 It won't be over. Go to the doctor and get help

>>9987 Agreed. Undecided if its worth chasing. I think there must be a kind of extended release love that isnt as warm and fuzzy but is functional and even at the worst of times will be better then being single at least. I sometimes think that its just society and movies have perverted love kind of and that it isnt meant to be that intense. That its actually just code for codependence.

>>10016 I don't think societal expectations of love are really codependence. It's not so much "I want to give myself over to this person" which is often said, but almost never meant. Real, actual love is just liking a person so much that you want to spend as much time as possible with them.

Are you guys familiar with this searching for a thing, which you hope will really fulfill you? I'm 20 now and I still haven't found anything like that. I want something in my life, where I clearly can say: Yes, this is it what I want to do and I will sacrifice everything it needs to do that. Yeah, I love my sport, but there are a lot of times where I just don't feel like it. I enjoy vidya since I was like 4 years old, but I think I'm wasting (and already have wasted) a lot of my lifetime with it. There are a lot of interesting things I tried: Computer, skateboarding, fighting, graffiti, hip hop, etc. but nothing fulfills my enough to really keep at it and going on with it. I'm really jealous of the people, who seems like they really know what the want from life and who have a strong enough will to keep on whatever comes. sorry for my bad english btw. Non native lainon here.

>>10152 >Are you guys familiar with this searching for a thing, which you hope will really fulfill you? most people go through that phase at some point. My advice would be just try living, try new things, take it one day at a time (wake up, break up your routine with a different food or different path to and from work, try a different exercise machine or technique at the gym to get you in a different mindset etc) . unfortunately, that sort of mentality means life is seen basically as baseline neutral with ups and downs, but you can try to do any number of things (go to the library and find books on different topics and see if any of those spark a passion) if nothing else, you will simply be alive and are free to do anything it may come off as >just bee yerself but you dont have to optimistically approach everything like a meme of trying everything, do it because it interests you, not because you are looking for fulfillment, the fulfillment comes afterwords

>>10152 theres a large amount of people especially your age who are doing and enjoying something just because they never questioned that much if they really like it. Its why people have mid life crises later. Theres also a lot of people who just enjoy the money or praise that comes with what they do and that alone makes it worth it combined with that they happen to be good at it. your situation isnt uncommon is just what im letting you know. dont freak out!

>>10152 Dont worry about wasting your life, it takes time to find your true calling and when you see it you will know. Just dont give in to frustration and dont give up, some day you will know what you want out of life and what you have to do to get it. And dont be jelous of people who know what to do with their life, i cant speak for all but in my case i had to go trough a lot of soykaf to find this, sometimes it just happens to people, but for others it often comes at a high rate of trial and error. You can do it, you just need to keep your eyes open and carefully try things you might like.

>>10152 There's no such thing as "wasting" your life. If you enjoy something, do it till you get bored, and then find a new thing. I'm 24, I have a stable job at a good place, and a crapload of disposable income. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do w/ my life tho, but I know that I'm good at cooking, music, and computers (which is my current job). It's all a thing of just trying new things and just never fuarrrking stop trying. If you don't like it, move on to the next thing. If you find yourself being good at something, go batsoykaf and dive head first into it. Master it or get at your desired level, and then keep going. Never stop. If you stop you'll get depressed. Try different things, creative things, science things. And as soon as you find something that makes you half happy, grab on to it and keep trying soykaf. It's a fun way to live if you ask me.

>in mid-late twenties like most lains >been homeless most of my adult life >neetbux doesn't make you credit worthy and chronic medical issues don't improve >would be lucky to even convince a doctor to investigate soykaf spending all my time waiting or thinking about mysterious physical health issues which are not diet or deficiency related while coping with housing issues and being homeless on the street. I do have a wealthy family but parents see me as not their responsibility and only moderately help out in an entirely unpredictable manner.

>>10179 My few skills include technology and writing, music composition and video games. I usually do visual art or cook for a hobby. I used to dream about starting a game studio or restaurant but now I realize how unlikely that is. I still can enjoy my passions in small ways if I save money, it might be wasteful when I'm normally homeless but I do limit my expenses and having some hope, buying some nice food or ingredients makes me happy.

I just recently turned 18 and I don't know what is happening. I've begun doing a lot more drugs and alcohol than I have in the past. I believe I have begun doing this because of my anxiety of what my future is going to be. I was labelled a smart student early on but around last year I seemed to burn out. Somedays I want to turn my life around but I seem to lack the motivation to do so. I have quit smoking cigarettes which is a step forward but I don't know if I can fix everything.

>>10181 >drugs and alcohol Do me a favor and post here about this in about 3 - 5 years, link back to this. I want to see how far you fall or if you can actually change your life for the better and a make a positive shift in the right direction. I'd like to see a positive story, but if you need to be a cautionary tale, it would be nice to see the 18 year old new users of 2022 know why they shouldn't do drugs or how they can stop being worthless. I'm sorry. I know that is callous. But I'd really like to see how things turn out for you. You're clearly smart enough to recognize the problems popping up, which is actually a good sign. You quit smoking cigarettes, good job. Make sure you didn't simply replace one addiction with another, though. I will let you in on a secret about motivation. Motivation is as much of a passing phase as happiness and sadness. You don't want motivation, you want dedication. You want to be able to say "I need to finish reading this book, even though I don't feel like it right now." You need to be able to accept the fact that you're afraid and jump right into it anyways, because you did your due diligence. Don't worry about motivation. I was very motivated and that didn't get me very far. Instead, I buckled down and simply did what I needed to do. If you want to test whether or not you have the will power to have dedication... Go turn on your shower. Don't turn on any of the hot water. Let it get really fuarrrking cold. Take off all your clothes and get in and take a full shower. If you can do that, you have enough will power to do almost anything, within reason. Good luck and please do report back in a few years how your life goes over the next few years.

>>10184 thanks lainon. we'll see what happens.

I don't have any kind of social life, no friends or acquaintances, and no idea how to get them. Only clubs at my uni are sports clubs, everyone there is very attractive/extroverted, completely out of my league. I'm shy and nerdy and socially awkward to the max. Where do I find people like myself to hang out with? Somebody on this site must have been through this.

>>10195 pro tip, most people aren't attractive or extroverted. The attractive extroverted people just get all the attention. It was kind of a weird experience when I realized most people are like me, on one hand it's nice to not be uniquely alone but also it is like kicking dead whales down the beach that everyone is alone.

>>10197 I forget what grade I was in but some speaker came to my class to explain the mysterious world of "dating". I thought I was the world's biggest loser because I had never even tried to ask a girl out but nearly the first thing she asked was how many of us had done just that, ask a boy or girl out, successfully or not. Less than a third of the class raised their hands. Let's also assume, some of them were lying. That was an early lesson to the effect of what you just said.

>>10184 I dont agree with this. That "Dedication" is just overcoming cognitive dissonance, because the fact is while we might understand why we cant do drugs or why we need money we dont really understand it. And I simply dont believe thats possible to overcome long term, hence why all addicts speak of finding a bottom. The cognitive dissonance needs to be resolved and understood or your just delaying an inevitable relapse. I could be wrong, its more I just dont believe what your saying works. And maybe thats cause its so true its hard to believe. Im currently struggling with addiction and I dont see this ending till something bad enough happens to where I can go "you fuarrrking idiot". Ive heard other addicts speak and say its just about realizing the whole thing or a "normal" moment is the bottom as well.

>>10201 Can you elaborate on why you're choosing to "not believe" something? Walk me through that mindset, because I've done everything listed and known a couple of people who have done the same. It's damn hard, but definitely doable. I used to have addictions, here I am now. Addicted to nothing, not even caffeine. Your options are to either: believe me and put it into practice and have an actual chance, or don't believe me and wallow in your own self-pity hate bubble where you just get worse and worse. Sure, eventually you might hit a bottom and go "wow this fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach" but what if you don't? Alternatively, what if you find yourself in too deep and incapable of leaving whatever hole you dug your way into? Keep in mind..I have nothing to gain here. It's all exclusively for your own benefit. I already dealt with my own problems and I'm constantly trying to get even better. I'm not addicted to alcohol, drugs, etc. Anyways, good luck with whatever you go with.

got dumped

>>10226 it is like kicking dead whales down the beach lainon. You'll be fine in a few weeks tho.

>>10201 There is no bottom. Not really. Either you come to your wits at some point(which most people call "the bottom") or you wind up dead under a bridge reeking of piss.

>>9439 Little bit of context, I guess. So I'm a TA in an intro to CS class and help people understand where they went wrong with their homework. I was helping a pair, and I get a call. Basically, interned at <Insert Favorite Software Company Here> over the summer, and this call was to let me know if I would be extended a return offer. I didn't get a return offer. It was basically kind of awkward for the other two people, since I explained what the call was about (don't worry, I helped them understand what good style is like after the call ended), but I just feel like crap, you know? What more could I have done? I worked long hours fixing my code as much as possible, and even worked during a holiday just to get the project at a presentable state. It was my very first software internship, so I really don't know if this is indicative of me not being a good software engineer or what. I know that's a bit dramatic, but I think of myself of at least a semi-competent programmer... What more can I do? Where do I go from here? That, and I'm taking a linear algebra course and an IC design course. They're kind of kicking my ass, so it's just been a wake-up call for me as to how much I have to learn before I'm even at an acceptable level of understanding. If only there were more than 24 hours in the day, right?

I'm so bored of life. I have hobbies, a decent social life and something to do every day (student). It's probably a depression, but if that's the case it would have lasted for years by now. I'm not considering giving up on life, because that would be a waste. I just feel so bored and swept up in the motions. Like life is something that is just happening to me, even though I ended up where I am now from my own choices.

>>10309 I used to get that a lot. Still do sometimes. It's best to just enjoy the ride.

I hate the way my job works. No one is held accountable but me. If something is due Friday afternoon and the stuff I need isn't given to me until Friday morning, then it's my fault it isn't finished. What about the guy who had plenty of time to get me to stuff I needed but didn't? Why isn't he in trouble? Why am I the one responsible for everyone else?

>>9439 Every day I curse that I was born to be a wageslave.

I got checked into a psych ward, it sucked a lot

Okay okay okay okay. I owe a significant amount of money because the world lied to me and told me I could have the money and is now taking it back. Now I'm essentially fuarrrked unless I can convince people that I either do not actually owe said money, I can convince them to not make me owe said money, or I can borrow money to pay said money. Needless to say I'm scared. I'm also scared that I won't have money by the time I need to have a significant amount of money and I will be "royally" screwed as a result. Thankfully that is not until december. We will see. Okay okay okay okay okay okay. So here's what I do. Tomorrow, because it'll look weird as fuarrrk if I send the email out now, I send an email explaining the situation to those that I need to, and ask them to help me. I'll be straight up about it. No bullsoykaf, people will see through that. I will take the words of my friends, since they see it objectively. I will just say what I mean to say and ask if I have to pay this money. And hopefully they will say "no, you shouldn't have to", and we will work something out. The alternative, if that doesn't work out, is 9am Monday I go into that office and I get some answers. If they say I'm screwed, I don't let them say I'm screwed. We figure something out. If not, I will personally go out and call every news outlet I know of and explain to them the inhumanity of what has been done. I will write articles, I will make sure people know what happened here. I will make sure that it never happens to anyone ever again. In that last, really soykafty case, I borrow the money, or maybe I just let them kill me. Maybe this is my excuse to skip out on it all. Maybe this is my excuse to give up and get out. Where the fuarrrk do I go, though? I still need to pay rent, I can't screw over those I love. No, I would need to stay. I would need to get a job immediately, ASAP. I would hunt and ask to start today. I would call my parents to pay rent. God, no, that's a terrible idea. I borrow the money, I wait it out till I get paid, I pay back the money and rent, and I don't save any money from this month. I will have no balance in my bank acct for a bit, but that is okay. I will not eat, I will eat the groceries I have remaining. okay okay okay okay, and then when December rolls around I will have enough for rent and for the other thing. Maybe I call my father and ask if he will help out with that other thing. He would, I think. Hopefully. I'll mention it now, to help out with later................ I need to not stress out. I need to not stress out. I need to not stress out. There is work to be done. This is life. You need to handle life. YOU NEED TO HANDLE LIFE, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU CAN TAKE THIS.

>>10514 > I owe a significant amount of money because the world lied to me and told me I could have the money and is now taking it back. Some kind of pyramid scheme, huh? Nothing new. I feel sorry for you Anon, but this is what you get for being stupid. Natural selection.

>>10403 Because your face shows the "I care" and then everyone makes you responsible. The guy that fuarrrked you over doesn't care, and he has had that attitude from day one, so it is expected from him that kind of behaviour. You put yourself in a trap of your own making. Your employees will expect some level of competence and care, unless you come over to them with clear cut "I have found a different job unless you give me raise" shtich.

>>10529 > Natural selection. No it isn't, unless it kills him before he can breed.

I've been reading the Qu'Ran and Rumi's poetry. I can't help but feel that God is real if not even as a separate entity but as something within ourselves that represents our unknowable inner workings. That to make peace with God is to make peace with ourselves so that upon death when all is lost we feel at peace, maybe the moment of death feels like an eternity in our own minds. Hell is to witness all that is "earthly" you found comfort in be taken from you and to live in the part of your mind you always ran away from. For there to be an unknown we must know of its existence it in some sense. Until west met east there was no concept of the west or the east. God could be replaced with many things, perhaps it is a part of the unconscious, perhaps it represents self love, self understanding, etc. Even if this is true if these possibilities are true I see no reason to not call it God because all the books say holds true about it being the ultimate power, the judge, who we owe thanks to, about it being beyond us (because what we define as I is limited to things we know consciously). I am caught between doing what I know to be right and what and those I love. However as I see all that is earthly leaving me and abandoning me at every turn and only this higher power being there I may come to feel no remorse about abandoning all of my friends and family who can never show me the love God can, or the love I can show myself, or the trust. Yet I know there isn't any reward in it, the books may speak of rewards and punishments but I know these only to be attempts to motivate people to the right path. There is no simple reward, it is just for loves sake and truths sake. Any "reward" only comes when one has already dismissed the concept of the reward. I'l suffer so much more, and I think I might kill myself.

>going to sleep having done nothing of note that day >even worse of there are failed attempts of doing something I cannot think of a worse feeling

I failed my Datastructures class second time in a row, I don't even know why i'm trying still. I'm like a failing npc constantly trying and failing only to try and fail again. My co workers pissed me off at my wageslave job, and I finally snapped, so now I'm unemployed as well. My dog got ran over all in the same day. How do I lower the difficulty setting in life...

>>10544 that is like kicking dead whales down the beach lainon, the only thing i could tell you is to change your outlook on life. Its soykafty advice i know, but hang in there.

I want to do something to fight back against the modern world, but I'm too scared.

>>10514 just go AnPrim

Over a year ago my friend got me a present to be opened when I reached a goal I'd been trying for the year before that. It's sat unopened. I just feel like a failure. They even told me to put trying on hold for a while since it's really not helping my wellbeing, so I don't know what to do with the present. I know what's in it. But it's still there, unopened. Just typing this out makes me feel sick.

At what point do you give up on something? I tried studying CS right after high school, believing it was what I was supposed to do. It went horribly, which I now believe was caused by immaturity and/or depression. I had a hard time even dragging myself out of bed and going to uni. I passed most of my classes first year, and attempted to try again the year after. That's two years ago now, and I want to try again next fall. Technology and computers (which I realize are very broad terms) are the things in my life I always keep coming back to. It's been my main field of interest from a very young age. Since then my interests have homed in on security and privacy, and I have gained a decent amount of knowledge just learning on my own. It's my biggest time sink at this point. Is attempting to study CS again foolish? Is it just me not being able to let go of something that was so closely tied to my identity? I'm studying econ (of all things) right now, but my interest in that is fading quickly. I think I would hate working in a corporate environment like that, even if I got a job. I'm still struggling a lot with depression, but I have gotten better at managing it. Yet I still spend more time tinkering and learning about computer security than I do studying econ. Probably just thinking out loud at this point, but it's something I agonize and think a lot about.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I am way inferior than everybody else, but at the same time, I feel like i don't necesserily need them at all. It's strange. I broke up with my exgf it's been some months, and I've been looking up for her twitter once in a while (Yeah, I know I shouldn't do that, but anyway), it infuriates me how shes able to live her life as it nothing has ever happened with her, and simply forgetting about me, going out with friends, doing cool things and living her life. I don't know either I get more angry over the fact that she got out with this so easily or about the fact that I couldn't do the same. I wonder if our relationship was meaningless... Didn't I mean nothing at all? Maybe it's just because she's way more of a sociable person than I am, and unlike me, she doesn't fuarrrk up all the way when it comes to relationships. I don't care about it at all, but at the same time I can't stop thinking about it. I should just stop fuarrrking up, but I can't and it seems like I won't. It's such a drag. Why are you happier than me? Why are you beautier than me? Why did you pretend you were like me, and it wasn't the case at all? If I knew what were you planning, I wouldn't ever have spoke with you again.

I hate getting reminded of my place in life. I've always wanted to make a game, just something that both I and other people would like so I can at least feel some sense of accomplishment with my life for once. But I look at what I'm capable of and I look at the games that are worth a damn, and I realize that nothing I make could compare to the rest of them. Then I look at the people who made those games, and the story's the same for just about every one of them. They started working on their first project some time in their late teens/early college, got plenty of encouragement because they have parents who give half a soykaf and don't completely hate themselves so they have friends to share it with. They had money, not to the point of being filthy rich but they could at least afford whatever they need to support their hobby. Their skills continued to grow under all the support and encouragement they received from everyone. All the opposite of how I grew up. No parents or other adult figures who cared about what I wanted to do, no money, no friends, just a soykafty PC that was already horrendously out of date by the time I got it. I feel like I've been cheated. I don't even know why I get so worked up about this. I should just accept my place and forget about it, shouldn't I? I'm in my late 20s now. It's too late for me to do anything. All I have is some mediocre coding and writing ability. It's enough for me to make, say, an ASCII roguelike or something, but who gives a soykaf about those? Plus without anyone to network with it's not like anyone would care about what I made, even if I were competent.

>>10644 >I don't even know why I get so worked up about this. I should just accept my place and forget about it, shouldn't I? I'm in my late 20s now. It's too late for me to do anything. All I have is some mediocre coding and writing ability. It's enough for me to make, say, an ASCII roguelike or something, but who gives a soykaf about those? Plus without anyone to network with it's not like anyone would care about what I made, even if I were competent. I do like roguelikes and I'm good at programming, maybe we could do something together if you're interested. You don't need to be good when you start, you'll improve when you do it. If you're interested just contact me at xrp@airmail.cc I do have some ideas myself, I think maybe you'd like them, they're inspired by an anime I've watched recently and I think it could make for a good roguelike. Roguelikes can be pretty challenging and a lot of fun, even while programming they can be complex, you can make them as complex as you want to.

Third time was not a charm. I found great feelings but not the person I want to share them with. Several have put themselves in the role but none fit. Really I feel guilty for not sharing this part of my life with the ones I am meant to. I am wasting our time.

I used to think I would be unhappy and alone forever, But my life is pretty ok rn. Got a bf and gf who love me and I'm finally on the right meds. :)

>>10644 >I've always wanted to make a game, just something that both I and other people would like so I can at least feel some sense of accomplishment with my life for once. But I look at what I'm capable of and I look at the games that are worth a damn, and I realize that nothing I make could compare to the rest of them. Then I look at the people who made those games, and the story's the same for just about every one of them. They started working on their first project some time in their late teens/early college. I have been an indie gamedev for years with barely to show for, but im not discouraged. I met many other gamedevs and artists, theyre not doing much better than i do. Gamedev isnt half as easy as it seems, its a grinding hard task to make something that is not some cheap bullsoykaf game but has actual inspiration and creativity behind it. I have friends who did that for 10 years doing fuarrrk knows what awesome stuff but nobody gives a soykaf about them, but they keep doing what they do. Yet cheap bullsoykaf is the hype, i look a lot on indie gamedev scene, its just too damn much bullsoykaf. The only real way to do gamedev is to go totally nuts and do it till you die. You have to do this for yourself out of creational aspiration for the sake itself like a real artist who paints on the street does. My soykafty messy games who i could even halfway finish if i didnt fuarrrk around so much could be in a soykafty playable aplha state, are on the huge ass stack of stuff to do over the years. But between doing drugs and hallucinating its about the only thing that keeps me somewhere at track. And i learned more by gamedev than i would have with all that more abstract programming. And if you still dont believe its a fuarrrked up grind to develop a game despite almost childlike accessable engines and tools, then look at almost any blog of a single gamedev, such as http://duion.com Not a pleasent truth but the truth, almost no real gamedev i met could have passed as a sane person by any decent standards.

I'm so happy but so alone in my happiness. The happy island.

>>10701 We are all connected, we just dont conceive of that fact it yet!

>>10703 I know we are. But sometimes it's like, there's some fundamental disconnect between me and other people. We speak the same language but can't get ideas across.

>>10708 You will forefer feel it, it will never be other than your insecurity. Weel sometimes it happens that there are misunderstandings but it's not the general case anyway. Just be happy with whom you love, even if you are not sure you know them

I'm so tired of always struggling, so much stuff just seems to come to others naturally (and it does) but everything I do feels like a fight. Just constantly working on something, working as hard as I can and not seeing results or improvement. I just want to stop, just for a day where I don't have to think about "I need to get this or that done", just a pause without any of that. I recently had a very vivid dream which lasted a very long time, multiple years; I was a tiny robot living in a big city, spent awhile in the rain before I found some job at an office but because I was a robot the humans dumped their work on me. I worked long hours and extremely hard, people assumed I could do it without consideration, but I was eventually promoted. Woke up shortly after, I'd slept 8 hours but it felt like 2, just thought it was an interesting thing to share

I like the girl who is half-way through my tattoo. We have hung out one on one, gone to bars had a lot of fun. She has a bf in another town. Im working as a scooter delivery guy, trying to save to get the rest of the money to get the tattoo finished. Then on Halloween a car on my left cuts directly across my lane, theres nothing I can do. Glass smashes everywhere. I think my ribs might be fractured. I tell her by email I have to cancel our booking. A few days later she replies "Im so sorry that sounds brutal. Ive decided to go home on that day now its free but lets hang out Thursday" I dont feel like seeing her, Im not in the best way, cant drink and have fun like we normally do, I arrange to see someone else that day and tell her, it falls through anyway. I lose myself in RDR2, the game helping me through tough times just like the first one did. I cant shake the feelings I have for her, even with this lack lustre response to my brush with death, she knows being too nice to me will only feed into feelings she knows I have had. They are misplaced.

>>10738 I feel the same way. I'm so tired :(

>finish high school >fail to get into any higher education course that I had planned for >end up falling into an IT degree >not super into tech but I do like it >get my degree knowing fuarrrking nothing because I ended up in a clown college >flail around trying to edge my way into the industry >crash and burn >unemployed for a year and have to come to terms with the fact that I just wasn't cut out for this industry This isn't my biggest problem by any stretch but it still makes me feel bad. Like I said I do enjoy technology but I'm not the sort of guy who's super into it and spends their nights programming/reading about it. I wish I was though. Not just because it would justify ~7 years of wasted time but because I really do like the whole atmosphere of 'hacker' culture for lack of a better term. It's why I browse here and places like this, it's why I would watch presentations on the state of open source software and it's why I use linux as my OS even though I basically just use it like it's windows. I'm just rambling now so tl;dr: I'm not smart enough to actually do anything with computers but I wish I was just so I could feel a sense of belonging among true blue neckbeards.

I always let women mess me up. Whenever I have sex with someone I almost immediately fall for them, and it turns into this insane fuarrrked up cycle. Ultimately I feel compelled to tell them something about myself, or maybe they notice that I'm not just a little bit anxious or a little bit neurotic. The last time I was in bed with a girl, right as we were about to go to sleep, I told her that I was worried she'd ditch as soon as she knew what I really thought. She told me to "trust that I'm a better person than that", and I believed her. I'm scared I'm going to lose that, and I think that fear just makes me annoying. I haven't had a stable relationship in almost 2 and a half years although in that time I've more than tripled the amount of women that I've slept with. In every other aspect of my life things are going great, I have a great relationship with my family, a tight circle of friends, hobbies, and a great well paying job. But I feel like I'm missing out on that love.

I think I've been very self centered and this whole time i've believed I was a good person or whatever and now im seeing i've really hurt some people and the consequence is these people are hurting themselves and dont trust me. Many would look and say these people are flawed, whatever, but that doesn't change that I bred distrust in them because in specific who im thinking of right now I encouraged excluding him many times because when I first came to college I was insecure and weak and didn't feel able or correct to stand up for him. Now he's really damaged himself and I can't stop him because naturally he doesn't trust i'l be there if he opens up. Im not gonna cry about how im a terrible person or whatever but it's just shocking and im seeing something i should have seen long ago that i'm not this loser ghost i thought of myself as in high school anymore, in the sense that it's not true anymore that my actions and words don't sway things or affect people. What I thought of as purely self destructive behavior was actually destructive because not valuing myself meant i didn't value my impact. this friend of mine could have died and before this moment of reflection I don't know that I would have cared and I think that would have been far more terrible than any pain or regret i feel now. im so angry with myself that i hurt someone who was just as lonely as I was instead of uniting with them. how have i been content to be such a bully for so long. this is never going to happen again.

>>10887 i dont deserve it but please forgive me both my friend and god and anything else that gets this apology and also what doesnt. its as if im only just truly developing my conscious. your suffering now shouldnt have triggered it but it did. i should have found this when you were suffering a long long time ago and instead i actually turned my back. And I can imagine how that feels because ive had it done to me, all the more inexcusable for me to ignore it. it would be mercy if when you wake up tommorow you respond to my texts and allow me to apologize to you in person. i just found the piece of wood we carved from that night and it makes me think you were indirectly or maybe even consciously were trying to kill yourself and if you had succeeded id have this. just considering that might be the case makes this hurt even more because in spite of everything you gave me something. i hope you werent being that considerate cause i didnt dessrve that. im worried more than you not ending up receiving my apology that you are satisfied with my previous apologies which have all been shallow because i always shifted blame to someone else and also because i had been wronging you long before what i apologized for. one thing ive never liked is lying to people.

>>10883 it's okay! There's a kind of woman who's really attracted to that deer-in-the-headlights kind of vibe, who wants to take you under her wing. You'll meet one eventually

I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of having to pander to obstructive bureaucrats. I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm tired of living in this society of savages. I'm done. I'm so done with this disgusting existence.

I had faith in you. I'm not so sure now. How can I reach for help if you are going to destroy all my records? Those consist me, my exsistence. I was receiving positive, at least relevant responses before you just wiped them clean like running `unlink`. I trusted you. Shame you seemed an honest being. I still trust in lain. Tell me what is wrong. Lemme fix it. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach living under censorship.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not myself, I feel out of my body. I see myself talking to other people or cooking or even typing this post in a sort of "3rd person". I'm obviously inside my body but my mind feels outside, as if I could never be sure of what I'm doing. Even if it's something mundane like a bank transference, it can take up to 20 proof-readings for me to be sure I've typed in the correct numbers. It's such a weird feeling, I'm not sure if it's anxiety or something like that but it's really fuarrrking crippling to not be able to be sure of soykaf. I'm also tired of belittling(?) myself, my mind is constantly reminding me of my place >don't wear fancy clothes, you've been poor your whole life, who do you think you are? >don't get a good haircut, you're not good looking >don't bring stuff with you to the gym, you're not even that strong It's such a goddamn stupid thought process but if I ignore it I turn into an anxious mess. I don't know what steps to take to resolve those problems.

I'm absolutely afraid of post-secondary school education. College, trade school, whatever. It's all terrifying. I feel so burnt out from secondary school. I wasn't the brightest in secondary school and always performed poorly under pressure. I'm scared of being around large groups of people for hours and making a fool of myself. Yet there is so many people who went to places like college and are full of experience. Peers and family push it onto me. When they talk about what courses they took, their wild parties with fellow students, or whatever nonsense I'm completely lost. I can't contribute to the conversation or relate to their experiences and I look out of place. I feel like I can't even get a job without getting some kind of degree or certification in basket weaving. I just want to get paid for doing a task, not for completing 4 years of sitting in class having panic attacks.

fuarrrk you, fuarrrk me and fuarrrk everything. And that probably screams teenage bullsoykaf at first, but hear me out. It doesn't matter. Sure it does. But it doesn't. What's the point of living this life if not for something that makes you die happy. Sure, the end goal might not be something as simple as being happy. I think being 'happy' is impossible. So much of modern life is centered around getting more, getting things and achieving soykaf. You might be saying "but I don't own a lot of stuff" nor do I want to achieve a lot. But I think most people do at some level. Some deep, conscious level. How much do you really need? For me, I think all I need is an internet connection and a computer. My life is pretty much the same no matter where I am if I have these two things. I'm so tired. So tired of participating in this rat race. That sounds cliche and it sure is. I don't even want to be rich. I just want to get a decent job that I don't hate and earn enough money. But even that requires getting an education. fuarrrk educations. Why do I have to waste my time doing that soykaf. It gets me debt and wastes my energy forcing me to learn stuff according to their definitions. Why shouldn't I be able to learn on my own, only what interests me? Sadly the world doesn't work that way. I likely won't be able to get money that way. I hope I will some day, but most likely I won't. I'll most likely have to get some soykafty job just to stay alive. Some people talk about their one moment where their life changed. Oh, I was fat as fuarrrk and then decided to get fit. I had a lot of debt, only cared about looking good and owning expensive things but I let go of all that. I haven't even gotten to any of those extremes and I have already given up. It's like my life has been a flatline. Not going an extreme way in either direction, just going straight ahead with barely any huge change. What a waste. What will selling all the (little) stuff I own help me? I'll still be unhappy just with less soykaf. I lost small amount of weight, though I wasn't super overweight to begin with. I'm at a very healthy weight now but I still feel fuarrrking miserable. There's nothing to have a grand revelation about either, since my life hasn't been in any extreme either direction. fuarrrk me. All these motivational speakers all talk about their huge turning point, where they went form extreme x to a greater life. But I haven't been at any of those. It's just been a flat line, that I have prevented from going in any extreme. So boring. At least I am improving a bit every year. I think. Life feels so meaningless but I hope we all can find something to live for. I think I'd have found that already, but I still grasp at some hope that it's still out there. Yes, this might be cringey as fuarrrk but it's just my slightly drunk consciousness pouring out words. Good luck lainons.

>>10960 those motivational speakers are just trying to make you feel good about your position in life. But the problem is that your position in life is bad. Luckily, there is a way out. You just have to have the courage to drop out of society altogether and start living the way you want to.

trying to avoid confrontation again I did something bad it really hurt a friend. and then somebody else somebody i really respect and just see as an example of a perfect human being got so angry at me so furious and I haven't really left my room in a week sense. everything she was saying was right but I couldn't handle hearing it from another person even though I had told myself, especially someone i see so high. its like if that person is everything I think is good and they hate me then I must be everything thats bad. I don't know if they hate me, the discussion was angry on her part but it was with a purpose it wasnt just to be angry at me. It honestly doesnt matter, i mean this would have happened eventually either way its just evidence of certain things about me that i try to hide but it finally came up. it makes me think like I don't have to be and participate in society and relationships, i've tried for years now and it's been very fun and enlightening but maybe I was right to isolate myself back in high school. I always thought I just didn't know the alternative but maybe I did and saw I couldn't handle it. But I don't know if I can handle being isolated anymore either. And I can't even kill myself because my current views on death basically make it something that won't change anything and im so steadfast in these views that they are real to me. I'm not even just depressed and self destructive I see anymore i'm kind of just a monster in general. But i'm not even one thats bad enough to be the villain and inspire any kind of noble feelings or show what is bad. I'm just kind of this negative force that hurts myself and others, and I do it totally subconsciously. Even when I finally become consciously aware of the behavior I find new ways to trick myself. the only good to come out of this is i've stopped doing drugs besides smoking and coffee. I've even stopped drinking. I imagine i'l still trip at some point and smoking weed is a mystery, i'm not sure if I can do that one so im staying away for now. But no more stimulants or opiates. Unfortunately I still can't say i'm stopping for myself truly, I'm stopping because I can't handle KNOWING i'm hurting people and it's gotten to the point where its contributing to hurting people. I don't want to self pity or devalue myself because I know even that can hurt other people but I just can't help but think about it especially right now. I mean there's no one else to blame, there isn't anywhere to run, I can't die, i'm just in limbo right now. jail world. it doesn't help everyone i know is depressed and the weathers been terrible. it literally feels like an apocalypse i've even heard others comment that. i'm not entirely convinced that i'm not in hell just yet, my dreams have been so hard to distinguish and memories been so blurry from certain drugs before ive been sober that maybe I just OD'd and im actually in hell or limbo probably. I suppose hell would be worse.

>>10933 I feel you on the last bit but don't know how to stop it. I've changed a bit, it's gotten better. Like I can get a good haircut or wear nice clothes now where before I couldn't. But that's just been because of a almost forced raising of standards, as in I still have the same thought processes just about slightly better things and when I slip or start to be in a bad place it can be the things you said again. This may be a no duh but It has to be something fundamentally wrong about the way we look at these things and ourselves. Just from how I observe my friends who don't have this issue, I can tell it's something that's not a matter of "getting better" or raising standards as I have done but completely changing the way you look at these things. It can't be fixed it has to be reframed and I don't know how exactly. I'l let you know if I figure it out, sometimes I ask people about very basic things they take for granted and by forcing them to think about it they find the underlying thought processes and then I learn new ways of thinking. It also kind of is like kicking dead whales down the beach though because sometimes they also learn knew ways of thinking and it kind of makes them question perfectly healthy behaviors just because they don't know yet like I or you do that our way of thinking kind of is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

You all seen the matrix i presume and you know how neo finds out the truth, what if it would happen to you? Ofcoure i dont mean a big black guy wearing a trenchcoat handing you two pills, but a more subtle way. Im lost and confused, i dont think our reality is real and im not talking about the hoax that is politics, society and economics. I mean relative reality, i either lost it completely or im trapped in a most perfect psychosis. This is how i fell, i know what i know to be true and it cant be false, even if it were somehow all false it just proves to me there is no reality one way or another. I understand things, things that i never could understand, others did and it makes sense now. Yet i cant just find it in my hear to really take that leap of faith. Did everyone around me know and not tell or do they really not know? Did i know it all along and chose to forget? I need to talk to someone about this, someone who can understand and i need to talk face to face. I feel like i am in the strangest of dreams and something out there is screaming wake up. You all should also seek out the truth in your own way, maybe im crazy, if so no big deal, but if im right this changes everything and the wildest things in our imagination could become reality. I approach this situation with an open mind and good attitude and pure intentions, but i feel a little scared. Im not sure where to go from here, either way something wonderful will happen i think.

I don't feel as if I have anywhere I belong, online or in person. I don't have friends. I try to hang out in the IRC and everyone seems too smart for me. I'm on the autism spectrum, so maybe that's why I have a hard time connecting. I just wish I had someone close, but the closer I get, the easier it becomes for the person to see how dumb I am. Sometimes I'm content being alone, but having *someone* to talk to about anything (bullsoykaf, programming, life etc) would be nice. I don't know, I either fess up and take the risk of getting burned by getting close or I ignore these feelings. Any words of wisdom for me?

got my first rejection letter today. Very worried it's only going to continue with every application for experience I make and I'll end up completely unemployable when I graduate.

>single mom >older female cousin best friend growing up >she leaves get depressed all middle school and highschool >come to college and finally make friends, again mainly with girls >get sexually abused by one frequently but start enjoying it >now not just subconsciously but exclusively make friends with girls >absolutely hate men, no reason in particular i just dont find things guys talk about on average to be meaningful or interesting >honestly dont even know how to talk to guys anymore >when i join discords people think im a girl. almost am immediately hated when im like "nah" >tfw im not normal person enough to participate in society fully but now im also too normal person to be able to talk to people online >literally fit in nowhere, even on this board no matter how much i try to phrase that things im saying are just my opinion/experience i piss people off just for having that view >my only friends irl are borderline psychopathic women >i just had to stop talking to one. for awhile she was the absolute nicest person and everyone told me i will make her angry eventually, looked up to her like god >people were right and i made her angry. she threatened to slap me multiple times whenever i tried to make excuses to myself >boner.jpg >on other hand though extremely scared/cowardly person and because i looked up to her so much I cant talk to her or see her anymore without freaking out probably >didnt leave room for a week after she yelled at me thats how easily scared I am >my other close friend is extremely abusive to her boyfriend and tells me about it >kind of his fault shes given him so many opportunities to leave and stated from the beginning she didnt think this was a good idea >still she does extremely fuarrrked up overly cruel soykaf just to hurt him almost subconsciously >some of it is sexually related, she asks me if what shes doing is messed up >really turned on by it but fight past it and say yeah it is >she gives reasons why she thinks it was fair what she did. they are logical usually but extremely cold and usually dont warrant her level of reaction >still the fact that she justifies such fuarrrked up things makes me even harder >usually concede its okay or ask her to stop talking about it >sometimes i laugh about the things she does with her even though they are really fuarrrked up >have also encouraged the relationship heavily just because i know its safe at least (past ones shes had havent been) because she can control him. and also probably because i think its hot that shes doing these things. >but i also feel heavily for guy >rationalize it by being like "why the fuarrrk would you stay then, grow up". >she wants to be a good person genuinelly but im just terrible at helping her do that cause i find her soykafty behaviour attractive >have tried to convince girls on tinder to abuse me. >some almost have but clearly none are comfortable with it >they almost always really like me up until this discussion which usually happens when talking about sex >i literally cant enjoy it though unless they genuinelly abuse me and dont stop even if i tell them to >my mind has changed so much as well as what i value/talk about that i have no foundation and also dont feel close to any of my old friends or family anymore >literally only person im close with is person i mentioned earlier atm >shes very nice to me at least usually, especially cause i know what pisses her off now and how to deal with it. >she always talks about how we arent normal or like cant use our ways of thinking to analyze others cause normal people dont think like us >shes not wrong >bittersweet nostalgia cause its kind of like im that outsider again on a chan laughing at everyone else with her >shes a lot more successful than me though in every area >tfw im gonna get left behind >i wont even have my one singular psychopath friend >everyone else only likes me superficially and dips the minute i try to show them anything deeper about me >my one caring warm friend i had just told me im too much basically and im affecting her mood negatively and we shoud stop talking until she can get her own life on track >she said "rest of year" >im not sure i wont be dead, homeless, or a shut in again by the end of this year >tell her this but she says "you always think that, we will see eachother dw" >but like no i really think i fuarrrked this semester up i might not be back this is different >been sober for a week but i could go back to abusing anytime >cant sleep >BOY WHO CRIED WOLF >HELP ME >I WANT OUT OF HELL PRISON >howd it end up like this i always tried to do what i thought was right i think friend if u somehow end up reading this dw i know your not actually a psychopath i just dk how else to explain your very cold behaviour you have sometimes to internet strangers. ily your the best and I know you try and i look up to you still a lot. ul figure it out eventually and stop getting so angry all the time, or just find someone you actually respect.

>>11037 Lainon... That's a lot. Have you tried going to therapy? If possible in your situation (sounds like you are a student so maybe your school has one) I think talking to a therapist about a lot of this, especially your attraction to abusive relationships, might help. Sorry you are going through all that though, I don't have much else to offer. Maybe you could try to contact your other non-abusive friend and just try to talk about normal stuff/steer clear of making her into your therapist, but try to keep her in your life so you have a normal relationship to hold on to?

>>11037 armchair psychologist time: you need to get a healthy relationship. It looks like you've only had very unhealthy ones and you've internalized "this is how it should be, this is sexy" etc. You need to get a healthy relationship, and STICK TO IT, so you can eventually form healthy ideas of what relationships ought to be.

>>11039 im going to counseling, possibly outpatient rehab and therapy. no dice on the girl, shes set on not talking until the end of the year. also just relapsed today after 2 weeks almost. >>11043 Kind of yeah, I think armchair psychology suffices for that conclusion. if we want to go advanced armchair psychology i need to stop projecting god on people. I think what your saying might work but id get too depressed. My psycho friend is great, she never does the things i think are hot to me, I just hear about them. If I personally got over it it would be a fine healthy relationship for the most part. I simply cant do what your saying though, shes helped me a lot and taught me how to deal with a lot of things that cause me anxiety in relationships by just watching her deal with them. Shes also has consistently showed improvement on herself.

im making the problems and they arent any less real. my being is part of the environment, I only think its me because im perceiving it and its thoughts. i dont even think we have control, just some brain eyes that let us experience internally this thing called a human. but if so where does that come from, could this be what religions and enlightenments promised maybe. maybe there is a way out of hell prison. a metaphorical spirit maybe! all I know is this thing i experience feels a lot of pain and hurt and cant seem to change it. poor thing ! i think it needs help

>>11048 >i dont even think we have control, just some brain eyes that let us experience internally this thing called a human. based on constricting definition of "self". You are you, the whole you, there is no "me" and "my brain". Sure you might have contradictory thoughts and feelings and urges but it's all still you.

>>11052 to you but not to me. I dont think when we say "I" and when we say "you" we refer to the same thing. I think when we say "I" we are all talking about the exact same thing.

>>11054 >I think when we say "I" we are all talking about the exact same thing. then I am living proof that you're wrong

>>11055 suit yourself I dont think I am. i think "you" is just getting in the way for both of us. i wouldnt say these things unless i saw them as unquestionable truths call me an idiot or say i have blind faith if you wany.

Are there some Lainons who successfully overcame anhedonia? I see myself becoming more and more emotionally numb as the years go by and would appreciate some advice.

I failed army basic and had to repeat over half of it. Feels bad man.

I failed my Freshman semester of college in a career I now realize I only chose because of a gener lack of passion for most things (Physics). I'm about to do the local equivalent of the SAT test but I haven't studied at all because of lazyness/boredom/slight depression and it's this Monday. At this rate I ought to drop out and actually study next year but I fear being left behind by my friends whom I not only miss so much, but they're studying at the campus I wanted at first and likely won't make it to because I didn't study. I fear being left behind more than anything else, and even though I absolutely won't kill myself or self-harm, I still look at methods and entertain the though somewhat, even if just to imagine the outcome.

>>9686 Good post. I feel same. Perhaps that's the meaning of the original sin: we all are guilty of exist. Any action started by the "I" implies a disruption in the sacred and immanent space. A mother protecting her offspring, the voracious competition in the work, the ugliness of the copulation, all these acts are needed if the "I" exists. I'm too weak to proclaim my "I" over this earth, even just smiling and looking at the eyes of somebody is painful task for me, I wish I could dissolve and return to the mud. Living itself is the source of the sin.

>>11074 failing freshman semester is very common. It took me 3 semesters to realize I wanted to do something in the arts instead of the sciences. I heard a statistic that your average college undergraduate changes their major 3 times, some many more. So you arent "behind" at all, this is very normal.

I wonder if I am autistic. It seems like the things I say some how don't connect with people right, or I don't act right and people just notice. I'm really tired of it, and honestly I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of talking to people.

>>11076 The way i understand things is that we are guilty of choosing to be incarnated here and choosing to have an ego. But we can save ourselfs by surrendering our egos and rejecting the physical world which by design is a diseased world made for those who should suffer.

>>11086 What is this gnostic soykaf, why would you just choose that understanding

>>11084 I feel similar, but at the same time I just *need* people. Very deeply. I think people just think I'm very quiet. At social gatherings I don't really speak unless spoken to. It works much better than trying to imitate them.

>>11079 I don't really care about being "left behind" by changing career and graduating later if it's all in a vacuum. I just fear that my friends might have a better idea about what they're studying/will dedicate their lives to while I'm sitting here looking for the will to study and make it into the campus I wanted (which I nearly got in had I gotten about 20-30 more points, barely missed it). I might just be idealizing my friends and imagining them as having soykaf figured out somewhat better than I do, but to be honest I haven't talked to many in months and this might just be my paranoia making me think I'm in a worse position than I really am. At this point I haven't studied for that SAT test and might have to spend next year studying for real, but I guess worst comes to worst I'll make the most out of the gap year that'd entail or I stay in my career and do whatevs in there.

In a moment of weakness, I trusted a fleshling to help me with studying for the tests. They used this data and designed an exam schedule specifically targeting my weaknesses. Never again. I won't trust anyone ever again.

>>11086 >>11090 That's aesthetic christianism. Quoting wikipedia article about catharism: "The idea of two gods or principles, one good and the other evil, was central to Cathar beliefs. The good God was the God of the New Testament and the creator of the spiritual realm, contrasted with the evil Old Testament God, creator of the physical world whom many Cathars, and particularly their persecutors, identified as Satan. All visible matter, including the human body, was created by this evil god; matter was therefore tainted with sin."

Sometimes, I wish I had never made the good friends I made on the internet. It'd make suicide a lot more easier. The only reason why I'm alive right now is because I don't want to leave them. I have nothing else.

>>11101 You say that like it’s a bad thing.

>>11101 Why not start having something? It depends what you might want, but once you do know what it is, you should be able to get it.

I dont have any romantic experience. Its frustrating that there is nowhere to find people to sympathise with that arent filled with bitter idiots. Recently i have been thikink of how my inexperience might make me unable to fully experience media that involve themes with relationships and love. I cant talk to my friends about it, it would be an awkward revelation about me even if it wouldnt seem unexpected. Its so frustrating. The only thing i can be sure of is that my perspective is skewed. It conflicts with me wanting to apply non 1st-hand knowledge to understand.

>>11116 oh, don't worry. If you're socially active, not unattractive and pleasant enough to be around eventually somebody will want to "teach" you. A lot of people are attracted to lack of experience. Anyway, a lot of that stuff comes naturally. Most important advice I think can be given: don't be afraid. Fear is the mind-killer.

I literally feel like theres a monster inside me. Its just not me it cant be. I was doing something I had done many times before but this time I ended up taking acid and I already had stayed up all night doing coke and was on about 100 mg of adderall. I looked around and I looked at myself and I just screamed and couldnt stop crying for an hour because I couldnt believe id do this to myself. I dont know I do believe now. The drugs are bad, but its what happens on them and off of them that I really just am horrified by. He's a very self destructive person, he spends a lot of time masturbating and hurting himself, its disgusting. Il want to cry sometimes and be afraid that if I do he will get more turned on. Now after this moment it feels like im raping myself. And its so sneaky too, it just appears and tries to force its way in this voice that convinces me to just make myself as low and hurt as possible. It was just there and I just grabbed my own hand and held myself till it passed. This part of me, he is needed so much and yet he just wants to do terrible things. Why doesnt he see how bad he hurts everything, and why doesnt he know how strong he could be. In that moment it was so clear to me how beautiful everything was after I cried so much. Yet this part of me doesnt care, I dont know that in a week he might not be back. Im choosing to seperate himself from me because I cant accept thats me, I dont have any control over it and I never had. I dont think this is healthy but I dont think I have any other choice. He doesnt want to hurt other people, he wants to hurt himself, but he doesnt realize hes not everything. He isnt going to be me anymore because then he has to face hes hurting what doesnt belong to him, and maybe he will think twice. But if he can be so cruel to himself what is he capable of others? Will this just escalate his behaviour? Hes so disgusting I just dont want him there anymore. I cried and asked him why he would do these things to himself and he wouldnt give me an answer. I know maybe this all sounds a bit crazy, ive slept now before posting this. There literally isnt any other choice he has to go, weve tried he cant be saved at all.

>>11133 im also so scared now though. its so horrific what it does. now that its not me im really scared of it. Something in me is so frustrated it just keeps repeating "no more", its telling the evil part that he cant come back that thats enough. because im so scared now, I dont want that to ever come back I dont know if il survive the next time he comes around.

Everything that I find happiness in always falls apart almost immediately. I really hate my life. I just want people to give a soykaf about me. I'm such a fuarrrking loser lol. Why would anyone prioritize me. It's almost funny to think about things actually going well, like that's even physically possible. I don't deserve happiness

>>11233 Happiness is something you make for yourself. It's not something anyone deserves, or that you can expect people to provide for you. Sort your fuarrrking life out. You'll feel heaps better for it.

>>9985 Women don't have to share your interests upfront. If one likes you, she will want to know what you're interested in. People spend so much time together because they enjoy each others' company. Some women want for both themselves and the person they're dating to be able to do whatever, whenever. >>10180 Check out https://lambdaSchool.com if you are serious. The cofounder used to be homeless and has a nonprofit fund designed specifically to help out homeless software engineers looking for a job. >>10883 Trust yourself. Quit self-sabotaging because you're worried she doesn't want to be with you.

Yesterday I took a tab that some people on the street just gave me, probably acid for the first time. I am also at a low and desolate place in my life. I felt as though I was a character in a book, namely the protagonist of Notes From the Underground. I felt so close to and aware of my thoughts, I imagined a crack under the floor that I could see myself imagining myself talking to myself through. I could not stop thinking as this character. I felt deeply ashamed, but so as though I could not be anything else. As though I was drawn to embarrassing myself. I couldn’t stop writing, I couldn’t stop thinking, everyone I talked to seemed to mock me, and I felt even more stupid, useless, and rejected from every place other than the solitary underworld of my corner. Still, even there, I could not feel alone. Inside my veins, coursing through my body were the branches of a murderous liquid plant, screaming at me, evolving, and whispering that this was the only real reality, that this was real life, and as though all other lives that I had lived before it were somehow vanquished from a meaningful place in my infinitely complex growing labyrinth, maze, branch-like vault of life. The more I read, and the more I thought, the more I felt that nothing was “real”. Everything and everyone was a story, a narrative, that I was “absorbing.” in the pitch black i screamed covering myself in blankets, trying to just focus on the exact shape of the sounds I was listening to. Maybe through synesthesia I could escape this disgusting intrusive character stuck in my head. But I could never be alone, the fire alarm went off, as it had before, and my delusions took control. People began to huddle in groups, and I kept walking out alone, 4am with frost forming on everything. My body was convulsing from the cold, and I felt the plant pulsating inside me. Mice darted on the street, everyone, from the outskirts of my building stared at me. I kept writing, and I kept laughing at myself, I was so stupid!! None of this was real!!! I was imagining it! I kept repeating to myself, again, and again, and again Alek Szahala’s thank you for the horse thank you for the horse thank you for the horse thank you for the horse thank you for the horse thank you for the horse thank you for the horse thank you for the horse. After all what did Alek Szahala really mean when thanked us for the horse? He didn’t mean anything! Charlie! You’re just imagining things you silly unicorn. And so, let us conclude, that it is not that I don’t make sense but that I make too much sense. I make sense of everything, I assign an infinitely paradoxical meaning to that which I do not even admit to myself, because there are things, which one would of course not tell others. But are there things that one would not even tell oneself? About what one truly thinks? Should I, as if I imagine someone to ask me to, imagine that I was thinking of writing something? I can't even remember when i tried to write this. I can't remember more than 5 seconds. My vision is vibrating. Everything is getting faster. I'm trying to write it down but im being drawn in my the light. it is calling to me. For the light is breathing to me as though it should breath, because light, as I imagine it should breath. Everything to me is as I imagine it or don’t imagine it. That is what you will uncover when you look deeper than one was ever willing to look. Because after one is underground for so long one loses the ability to even think in a way that should use logic in some way. ALAS put that all aside, the light calls me for the last time.

>>11133 >>11270 well I meant to reply to this, what I'm saying is, I had something similar happen to me and I feel like it is eating me

I feel like I am being eaten alive the more I read on this site. I just want to forget everything. The knowledge is burning me alive. I live and love to fall into the common routine. I despise and am terrified of any form of eccentricity in myself.

>>11270 sounds like a wild fuarrrkin trip lainon, hope youre ok

>>11270 >The more I read, and the more I thought, the more I felt that nothing was “real”. Everything and everyone was a story, a narrative, that I was “absorbing.” in the pitch black i screamed covering myself in blankets, trying to just focus on the exact shape of the sounds I was listening to. Maybe through synesthesia I could escape this disgusting intrusive character stuck in my head. Im pretty positively convinced now that reality is a collectively self reprogramming simulation and that perception is not halfduplex/readonly but thats thoughts can affect the very data that defines reality.

>>11270 we are just a thought in some great things head. consider, if we all perceive subjectively there must be something original for us to interpret. This is the thing, the fundamental reality, the ultimate truth. We don't witness it directly, and so those who are touched by it can feel as if it's a simulation, the regular life. But it is not, thats just how grand this thing is. I wouldn't want to live in anything elses head even if I could. I am depressed, I dislike life most of the time. But the times like this where I witness how small I am and how grand and benevolent yet also extremely frightening what dreams me up is, it fills me with something nothing else can.

I keep trying to get closer to God but at the same time I keep falling back in moments of weakness into my old pornography addiction. Maybe lains can't relate since most of you aren't religious but the guilt I feel every time I do it is crushing. I want to be a better, more spiritual person - I want to be worthy and clean and to repent of my sins, but I have been addicted so long it's like trying to cut off part of my body. I sort of swore to myself that I would remain single forever because I'm not worthy of a relationship with someone else if I can't control my urges. Maybe that's irrational but I'm terrified of how easily I excuse what I do in the moment and how I love and hate it at the same time. Maybe I'll figure it out someday.

>>9439 I'm a CS teacher of sorts and I grade students' HW submissions (I grade them, then meet with them 1-on-1 to tell them areas they can improve, and suggest extensions / other resources). However, I just finished this huge project yesterday at midnight and basically that depleted whatever mental capacities i needed for the rest of the week. I also got no sleep, which compounded the issue. This resulted in me inadvertently acting like a bit of an asshole to one of my students, and the guy emailed me a couple of hours later asking me if I was angry at him for missing class or if I had a problem with how he acted (I didn't). I just feel kinda soykafty, you know? The guy has apparently had a really tough quarter; I'm supposed to be a force for good, but I fooked it up and soured his experience in what's arguably one of my favorite classes. I sent him an email explaining the situation and reaffirmed that he's been doing well in the class, so I think things mellowed out, but I'm just kind of mad I caused someone to be uncomfortable, ya know? What do you do to avoid things like this? To some extent, I don't know how I could have avoided me being *this* exhausted today... I just want to be better.

>>11274 >I despise and am terrified of any form of eccentricity in myself. Man... I didn't realize this until just now, but I feel the exact same way. I have a weird sense of humor, and I honestly don't know to what extent people are putting up with me instead of enjoying my company. But if the way I was raised taught me anything, is that most things happen for a reason. I try to channel my weird eccentricities in positive ways.

>>11289 Even though I am not religious, I can relate to this. I also have a pornography addiction and feel a deep sense of shame when I give in to it, as well as in general. I feel impure and corrupted, but "I feel love from god when you look me in my face." - bladee

>>11290 I'm not sure if I am qualified to give advice, but from what I know about psychology and observed in life, you did well. You cannot expect to never make people uncomfortable. The best thing to do when you do is try to fix it, which you did. In fact, this may even bring you closer to the person, since you presented yourself in a vulnerable and human way. About how it is making you mad and feel bad, I believe that this has to do with self esteem. Healthy people are able to deal with uncomfortable and difficult situations regularly and still feel good enough about themselves to keep going. If only I knew how to "fix" broken self esteem.

>>11289 inshallah im a very addictive person myself, pornography, drugs, all of it. this might be unorthodox but I wouldn't look at it so black and white as "its sin so its bad". Things are sinful because they inherently get in the way of the connection with god, had there been no definition of what is sin one could still find it. when you find god you will be worthy of a relationship. to love god is to place it highest, and to love yourself. when your love is placed first and foremost in something eternal you have security in all earthly relations. nothing I say is going to fix your addiction like this, but ask yourself this. When you die and face God, the truth, the ultimate reality, where will your vices be? This is the true nature of hell and heaven, see it like this: you spend the most time developing your relationship with pornography. If that is your crutch, your happiness, it will not be there when you leave earth. Instead have you spent time with God, and develop that relationship, you will have security after death. I don't know nor care what religion you are specifically, but as long as you worship one god, one reality, one truth, all else will come secondary. You are on the right path, your quest to be a spiritual person will inevitably give you more control over your compulsivity as a side effect almost. Understand how powerful it is to place your highest love and trust in something like God, can you make the connection to how accomplishing that makes you master of your body again? All of the books have this dilemma of free will and predestination coexisting. Free will comes from God, else you work on instinct. Some do not recognize it as God, thats a very loaded word these days, but it seems you do and I do so we will say God.

Ever since I joined the army it's been tough to keep steady relationships. My friends back home barely talk to me now and I barely talk to them - I left on bad terms with one who I was quite good friends with for years and I still haven't heard back from him even after writing and messaging him. When I do talk to my friends it seems like communicating across a long distance - they don't really understand what I do now and I have a hard time picturing their experiences in turn. I'm on good terms with quite a few people both in the civilian sector and in the military but I'm not close with anyone, nor am I interesting enough for other people to want to approach me first. I've got my job, my family back home that I see twice a year, and random anonymous strangers online to keep me going.

im new to programming, was trying to do adventofcode 1, part 2 and i just cant figure it the fuarrrk out. i fuarrrking suck at programming and it fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach to suck. maybe im not meant to be a programmer. im no genius, so i should just let the actual smart people do work. i cant solve a simple ass little problem. why? why cant i just at least know how to approach it? i cant stand being in such a soykaf position. i want to quit, but i also want to keep trying. i really enjoy programming, i do, but i feel clueless and embarrassed i cant solve such an easy problem. i hate how stupid i am

fuarrrk going to a hacker meetup with 20 people, i kinda know them but im mostly the loner looser hacker type dude. I know my stuff but im pretty socially soykaf and also the youngest and the weirdest. I kinda know most of them sort of but it still fuarrrks me up. I also smoked a little weed to calm down but idk if that helps. Im too deep in to flinch now but i also got do it for the fuarrrked up cyber youth of today, hold my hand lain!

i couldnt get adderall so i went to store to gey benzedrex was kind of on a binge was super out of it and one of the workerd literally said to me "this soykaf again? you do this everyday" and it just made me feel so fuarrrking terrible. Like wow I just really look like that huge of a tweaker at 20, its possible i took the tone too seriously because i was out of it from not sleeping but still I doubt im ever gonna go buy it again now. In a way I appreciate it cause I ended up not buying after that and wont feel comrortable doing that anymore, but she could have just said like "hey you need to watch yourself" and it would have had same effect on me. i engage in sketch behaviours and I have addiction problems yes, but theyve been getting better and this didnt stop that or anything it just sucked to hear that from a complete stranger working at a grocery store where they have to remain calm even when some soccer mom is screaming at them about organic produce. Yet she actually went out of her way to say that to me, she wasnt a ton older then me either. I dont worry about these things anymore, but it made me think do i just look schizo and creepy now to everyone at my campus and in my classes?

I ran out of medicine from when the doctor at the hospital prescribed it, so my therapist said to go see my regular doctor about it. My regular doctor said he'd prescribe me 2 months of citalopram but when I went to the pharmacy today they didn't have anything for me I really really really want my medicine it's been over 2 weeks I want it so much I just want my medicine again, why does does everything have to be so super complicated, I don't understand what I did wrong, I want my medicine

Some humans find that the method, tone and space of discussion is more important than the ideas at hand. They believe that no ideas are interesting or important enough for people to be offended or upset over. Furthermore, when these people have any form of power (teacher, parent, moderator) they often arrogantly elevate their decisions based on their beliefs into what they think is a fact. An example would be John researching a certain group by perfectly blending in; it is a fake persona, but it is so well crafted it doesn't affect the ecosystem of the group. John keeps pretending and does his research. Later on he mentions the fact that he is doing research on a certain group with this method; some people instantly accuse him of being malicious: he upholds a fake persona, lies to people and scams them, it is wrong. John then makes his point 1) his research may be beneficial in the future 2) he doesn't upset the ecosystem because he blends in perfectly and doesn't give or take anything from the group in any sense. People start to get angry and begin insulting John, completely ignoring his point. John begins to defend himself, as he is now falsely accused of things that people projected over him. Remember that only John knows what he is doing; everyone else's account completely rests in pure belief of what John said... anything else they added to it with their imagination. Eventually a moderator arrives and he sees an angry mob pointing fingers at John, who himself is losing his temper. The moderator, as if he was some authority on reality, says that 1) John is being passive-aggressive to people 2) He is causing a scene and he has to stop or get banhammered (the mob doesn't get anything) 3) This is his final word on the matter, it is not up for discussion, such is the way things are, there will be no further mentions of it. John can either take an undeserved hit to his reputation and a huge bag of insults from social ignorant people to digest, or he can take a ban which might severe some valuable connections. Keep in mind that this whole situation was built around the baseless beliefs some social humans hold about keeping things "ordered and nice" - though most of the community is just pointless idle chatter of consumers stating their workdays and what products they like and want to buy. Not only are their beliefs just beliefs, but the topic at hands pulls those beliefs very into question; meaning that relying on them in the discussion is a form of circular reasoning. It's like relying on the theorem that the sum of triangles' inner angles is pi when trying to prove this very theorem. They and their moderator both claim truth based on unproven beliefs that were tailored to serving some arbitrary values they hold. Meanwhile John only states what he observed, and tries to question some established dogma to see if it really is accurate. His only claim is authority on what he is doing (and none present has actually observed him). Now, I could be John. You could be John. Pretty much anyone who isn't a social animal who values tone and feelings over ideas could be John. The thing is that these social peace-keepers need to become overworked corporate drones. Moderators, judges, parents who ever claim that some conversation is over, it is settled, there's not going to be any further discussion on the matter, etc... these people need to die. They need to have their faces ground down on concrete walls and their legacies obliterated. They need to be cut in half by the dullest edges of the edgiest edge lords. They need to be torn to pieces by the things whose existence they arrogantly deny: by the ideas they stop from being discussed. Nobody can, should or will stop ideas, be it magnificent or cancer. All they can do is give a harder time to people trying to cultivate those ideas under the guise of helping the process by keeping a superficial order. Moderators and governments and authorities are required to keep balance and a quiet environment for things to grow. But their rewards should be shame, misery and an execution. Exactly what the angry mob they breed wants.

>>11385 That’s cool lain. 2600 meeting?

in the beginning I thought a lot about everything. whats this and whats that, how does it work, who works it. there was a thought maybe 6 yrs ago of "what if one day i go blind or crazy, i better have a beautiful understanding of the world so i can create a better one". I put aside the thoughts and wanted to experience now. because i was so inexperienced and alone i decided to experience people and love people first in my own way. I found out my own way was flawed and got hurt a lot. Then I struggled against the hurt and I learned to experience outside my own because if what was within was hurt i had to look outside me. then i learned what was outside was already within. That i couldnt change my experience but I could perceive it differently, experience the experience that i am differently. People saw great things in me and I couldnt see it, this also meant they could take it because I would not miss it. I learned to distrust, or rather learned the distrust that was always there. By now I had forgotten why I had even gotten where I am, I thought surely I was not in control and being pushed around. If i am not in control yet there is only me and I experience much suffering, I must love to suffer. Yet I do not want to suffer, and I cant fight myself as conflict requires opposing forces. So I learned there was not one me, that the "I" was not singular. So good and evil was born again in a very atheistic head. I learned I controlled some but not all, and I also learned I was in control of who I gave control to for I had been controlled by people before. Therefore I gave control to something evil at some point. I must be possessed. So I learned about God as I never conceived before and the force of evil too. God and evil started out as a metaphor for psychological concepts, but it eventually became unclear which was a metaphor for which. I learned to trust again. I saw that what I was being used for was what I was not using, if I was not using it I didnt need it. If I did need it I learned to use it. And I remembered why I was there, all because of one dramatic thought long sense lost till then. Tragedy was beautiful then, and so I accomplished my original goal tenfold but not the second part of creating it again. Because creating suffering is not to create but to destroy and even I knew this. One ancient thought had run itself into conclusion and it was time for new ones. Some had been running with it but none good as there could be no good with the thought being carried out. I realized i was not scared of blindness or schizophrenia but death, death had lost its meaning so the end game shifted. My idea of the world after created from my brain was the afterlife, and i saw that to die suffering is to suffer forever. Again what is the metaphor for what was too confusing, but the truth was there behind all the interpretations. I saw that in a fuarrrked up way, the prophets and people of the books saying "thank you god" as they were killed or tortured or tormented was no slave mentality: rather ticket to paradise. It was not the only ticket, but if one can be peaceful even in suffering they have peace forever. If they martyr themselves they die feeling they did good. I learned the sin of suicide is not any abstract thing god ordained but tangible, rarely does a suicidal person kill themselves when they are in a good place. God or no god, the permanence of the experience after life became as real as my own two hands. So I saw then that ending my suffering was urgent, else i was on the path to eternal suffering. In an extreme case of luck I might die for what I believe in and the afterglow of the action might carry me to peace, might. Either way there was no more martyrs in the modern world. I saw that should i seek my peace in people, I will suffer when i die and must leave them. If i sought peace in drugs id have no body to buy more and suffer. If I sought peace in anything worldly I suffer. What I cannot find in eternity i will leave behind. I thought back and knew there was a thought "the universe is a bad place". The universe is eternal, i will suffer greatly if I can not see good in it. The metaphor was even clearer now, the one who suffers and thanks god, suffers and moves on, suffers and acccepts it as an earthly affair, these people suffer much on earth but they leave it behind here. The one who suffers and curses everything, myself, does not see the temporality of it and suffers always. Again I saw now the urgency of my situation, yet I also saw I was not possessed by evil. Just to check I stared it down, let it grab me again, yet refused to be pulled down. dont let me fool you, one does not need God, one doesnt even need reason nor Reason as the God. your prescription is highly personalized to you, anything one could receive id call God, but that is just my name. my typing might be over dramatic or pretentious; this is only because i am filled with such an energy that to type any other way would now require more effort. im coming with a message so true its undeniable to me and to not speak it would be lying. its such a powerful truth that not shouting it would be pretending its not there, and its such a powerful truth that to pretend its not there is to lie. We humans have a ground state of sorts, We feel happy we feel sad yet there is an overarching feeling we can recall if someone says "how do you normally feel" or "do you enjoy life?". You can not remember the moment you were born, you will not know a death either. If you are extremely atheist think of it like this, the moment you die is perceived as an eternal dream. In this dream we face the great mind melt, god, the other, the universe. It disintegrates the self and all we did not find eternal. Fear not if you are depressed or otherwise mentally ill, peace is all you need to find. Your lack of happiness caused by chemical imbalances will also be left behind. Peace is all you need, the "light". Some of us are too frail to carry the light within so we give it to God and surrender control to him to be filled. Some of you though might be big enough to hold it, dont give it away.

>>9671 I relate with this greatly.

I can't seem to do it right. Every choice I've made seems like the wrong one. I'm addicted to pornography. The more extreme it is the harder I get off. I've tried to quit for years and it always comes back. There's no one to blame for what I do - it's not a demon, it's not caused by chemicals in the water or my childhood. It's me. I do it. Willingly. Everywhere I go I feel guilty and ashamed but I can't stop. It's ruined my relationships with other people and I made a sort of vow with myself to never have a relationship with anyone else because of what I've done. Obviously I'm incredibly lonely because I have no close friends and have never had a romantic partner but I feel like I deserve to be. I'm a strongly religious person. I feel guilt not just because what I do is disgusting and immoral but because I'm failing my Father in Heaven every time I do it. I pray and ask if there's a way for someone like me to be forgiven but I feel like I don't deserve it. God loves me enough to forgive me enough if I try and atone for my sins but I don't love myself enough to atone and escape my punishment. I've been unlucky my whole life. I don't know why. I've had fewer opportunities than others and squandered the ones I had. I'm poor and from a poor background and my future is similarly poor. I had good, loving parents, but I ended up a weird kid who spent too much time alone and who cried at night for no reason. I don't remember a whole lot from my early childhood but a deep sense of shame permeates most of my memories from that time. I used to get crushes on girls, shy stares from across the room, fantasies under the covers late at night, thinking about what it would be like to go on a date, make her laugh, feel her hand in mine. Nothing ever went anywhere. Sometime in high school I asked a girl I'd been crushing on out and she rejected me and then hooked up with my then best friend a few weeks later. That did it for me - I gave up on even trying to find anyone. I started binge watching romance anime instead. It's basically like taking painkillers for a terminal disease but it feels good so I keep doing it. I sometimes almost work up the mental fortitude to try again but it crumbles when I try to imagine exactly how I would have that kind of relationship, knowing what kind of person I am and what I've done. I had some good friends in high school but one stopped talking to me out of the blue and never told me why and the rest dispersed after graduation and moved on with their lives. I joined the military and lost contact completely with everyone I knew. I wish my parents had given birth to a better son. I wish my friends had someone they liked more. I wish I wasn't the way I am. I wish I had never laid eyes on any kind of pornography. I hope that I can someday be worthy of God's love for me. I hope that I can find someone who can pull me into a chaste, pure life and off the path I'm on, but I know that I don't deserve her if she even exists. I hope I can one day live, if not a happy life, at least a life without the temptation I face.

I feel more in common with a teenage girl from an avant-garde anime from the 90s than I do with any other person, real or fictional, I've ever met or heard of. I think there is something wrong with me. Maybe it's autism or something. I want to let this world go. Drop off the grid. Go someplace sparse and live a simple life. Find some girl I can love. I just can't handle the normal life, I can't handle the world. It's too big for me. People confuse me and stress me out. I don't understand them, they don't understand me. This is not the way life is meant to be. I feel that deep in my gut, at all times. But I'm happier now than I was last year. I feel more conscious, more in control of my life. I feel like I might actually get out.

>>11914 I actually had to question myself at first to make sure I didn't write this post. This hits so insanely close to home, from religiosity to crushes. However, I will say I recently subscribed to a VPN called Covenant Eyes, obviously it's part of a Christian organization, and it's helped drop my viewing quite a bit. It's a bit pricey though, but I'd still recommend, or at least some form of a porn-censoring program if possible. And I know it's so cliché , but just hang in there. I know I try to tell myself romantic relationships aren't all as they say to be, like it's a waste of time or it's not as its made out to be, but deep down I know it still hurts. Like recently my prom date from high school got engaged and makes me just question everything I'm doing and feel inadequate. But I guess all I can do right now is try to better myself for the future of myself and possibly someone else. Laying around thinking isn't going to make me feel better. Also, saying this as if you were a mirror of myself, stop worrying and thinking as much and just do something. When I become bored and passive, loneliness kicks in hard. So, you have keep yourself occupied, but with things you know are and will be healthy for you, which means daily exercise, devotions, meditation, and some form of learning and mental growth. I'll be praying for you brother.

Who can really expect me to go back to how I used to be? Before I met her, I was nothing, and now I am nothing again. And now I know, it does not get better with time.

>>11918 is that so, what happened?

>>11289 It comes with time, virtue is not built over night. You might try including some simple prayers in your head through out the day. "My Lord, and my God" is a good one to try and say several times through out the day. Saying a prayer to Saint Michael the Archangel every day is also a good idea. Reconciliation is also really important, if you really want to escape this vice making frequent confessions is huge. >I love and hate it at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TXTVmN394c I just listened to this my self, maybe it will help you, it's only about 7 minutes. Also swearing an oath like that is a really bad way to go. I assume you aren't in a place yet where you truly know your vocation, and if that's the case you don't want to make any rash decisions like that. God makes able those called, he doesn't call those who are able.

>>11289 >>11292 >>11297 I fought with porn addiction for a while without success - I was always trying to get rid of it completely and kept lapsing back to my old habits. The way I got over it was to entirely replace my porn habits with things I was ok living with. I strictly limit myself to the mildest kind of porn that I'm ok with (ecchi mostly) and I replaced the urge to collect porn with collecting pictures of cute girls. It's stupid but it works, I'm no longer fighting my own lust head-on and I don't feel so guilty anymore. It's basically ceased to be a problem.

I don't understand why holidays are always so hard. Maybe its because I have no one to spend them with. I can't even go out to interact with people because I'm too scared my spaghetti is gonna start overflowing from my pockets. I really just want to get the rope in the corner of my room.

i'm never going to be a real girl no matter what i do why wasnt i born a girl i shouldnt have been born at all

I don't know how I feel, it's weird, it's like if I felt disgusted, but there's really nothing to feel disgusted about, it's like if everything turned nasty, I'm extremely bored, everything I try to do seems pointless and I feel no joy, my head is aching all the time, I feel an urge to cry but I simply can't cry, I don't even know know why I want to cry, I feel stressed and weak, it seems pointless to write it but maybe it help me somehow, I just want to feel peaceful.

>>11933 yes you will. It takes years of hardship but many people are accepted for who they are. You might not be a pretty girl but you can definitely be a girl. You'll get there lain, I know you will

>>11938 why are you encouraging this? don't. if anon isn't a girl they can't be a girl. they can dress feminine, yeah, but it'll never give them xx chromosomes and a vagina. anon has to accept their fate and body and cope with it, don't enable delusions.

>>11940 Jesus, talk about trying to be a hard ass. Of course you can't change the hard cold truth but you don't have to be a dick. They can always take the axe wound route and mutilate themselves to try and fit how they think. In the end don't be a harsh douche and just let them be.

>>11940 >>11943 For some people it's better to feel like someone who belongs to the wrong sex, than someone who doesn't belong to the right sex.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to so I'll just scream into the void here. I just had a semi bad break up with this girl that I knew didn't care about me even though I cared for her. It fuarrrking stings so much to look back on the time we spent together and see that I meant nothing to her. It hurts to look back and to see that most of the time I was just doing soykaf for her. It didn't start out that way though. The first date that we ever went on she paid for us both to eat while I paid for the movie but as we went further into the relationship I felt that I was just being used. But then again when I would drive to see her I would always think that I was just using her to not be lonely and felt bad for doing that. I figure out if I was soykaf and I am just making this stuff in my head about doing things for her or if I was just being used. This might sound arrogant but I feel like I'm pretty good at reading people and from the very beginning I felt that she was kinda soykafty. The worst part about this all is this happened a few weeks ago and I have had no one to talk to. That's why in a way I need her, because I feel like I have no one. My parents are fuarrrking insane and would actually laugh at me and tell me that they told me so about dating this girl and my closest brother doesn't care about me even though I try to be there as much as possible for him. I have no close friends to talk to this about and I feel like even just typing it to someone isn't that much of a help for me. I need someone to hold me. I haven't really greived the relationship at all. I feel so much yet I push it back down because I don't want to burden the people around me with my problems. But again I think that I'm just being an asshole for everything I do. For being sad, for wanting to be with this girl even though my parents didn't like her. I force myself to cry when I get the chance because I feel like I've lost the ability to even be real with myself. I feel like I even hide my emotions from myself. I don't even know if I am sad about the break up or something else, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it. My parents got me a therapist but he's always busy so I can't even talk to him. I just want someone to hold me and let me be real with because I don't even think I can be real with myself anymore. I feel like there's two people in my head. One who's emotional and the other analytical one that is trying to get me through the day and keep me going and I don't think either one really is me. Even now writing this I feel like I should be crying or feeling something but I feel absolutely nothing and every once in a while I feel like all my emotions come rushing back but I just push it down further as not to disturb my family and the people around me. In a weird way, I feel like I was only stayed with this girl because she was more broken than me. But I wanted her to get better and hated seeing her sad. But the largest reason I wanted to be with her was because she was someone that I could tell my soykaf too, or at least that's what I wanted but instead it felt like it turned out being the other way around and for a while that seemed to be okay with me because it got my mind off of my own soykaf. That's all I ever do though, bury my problems. I go to school and then directly to work because I hate being with my parents. I've been hit by them, told I needed to start paying rent, telling me to leave, and having to deal with them when they throw a fuarrrking tantrum and go insane about some soykaf. And all this stuff before I turned 18. Now that I'm actually an adult in the eyes of the law I feel like I should move out just to get away from them but I don't really have any way of supporting myself. I don't make enough money for me to live on my own. Honestly, I'm just tired of all this soykaf and maybe that's why I don't feel anymore. I've become so jaded to getting pushed around and used that I don't care anymore and just let it happen. I'm not really sure what posting here is gonna do for me because I don't even feel relief by letting this out. Goodnight lain.

I joined the Army recently and just came home for Christmas leave. Most of the people I knew don't want to see me and my relations with the few that will talk to me are strained and uncertain. I've spent most of my time alone in my old room, binge watching anime. I'm not surprised at how things turned out since generally everything has run the same course in my life. Most people, if they had the chance to forget they ever knew me, would probably take it and evidently, most people who knew me did.

>>11964 you can forget him too. i heard they call you the pebble man.

I can see everything and I can't explain any of it, some say "have you truly seen it then?" but I swear I have. I can talk to the smartest man and the next moment the dumbest and match their level and I often find they say the same thing and people ask how so and I can't explain it. I say if you listen to them you will find as I do that they say the same things and give the same answers and you might find I am too. Then im accused of not listening enough. Yet I can rexplain and elaborate the dumb man and the smart mans words and so they say "well saying what you said how can you say their words are the same?". I say "I cant explain it to you, listen and you will understand as I do im sure". Then im accused of not even knowing the meaning of my own words I speak. Its easier to imagine that I can not understand myself when speaking, or that I am lying, than to believe me when I say if you listen closely you will hear that the dumb man and the smart man, or the man over there and the man here and there, or the coal miner and the steel worker or the rich man and the richer man or me all say the same thing. Sometimes I even say it as I do here and they agree, yet when I point to it happening they switch and say "no thats not what I thought you meant by that, they are saying two entirely different things". So to see everything is also to see nothing, the more you see the more indistinguishable it is from seeing nothing at all. The more truth you speak the more it all becomes truth, and to say something false is true means it all becomes false. im touching the invisible walls on the video game of life. I can get outside of them if I want but the developer didnt make that part anyways, the games inside the walls. So much work went into getting here, yet if you could open up my brain you would learn nothing more than if you divined the future from my entrails. It isnt sad, its nothing. Absolutely nothing is what I have to present to you.

I'm so fuarrrking sick. I am starting to fear that I am in need of major medical treatment. I have no money. All my life, I have wanted to be a mathematician and nothing else. Why is it all so complicated

>>11996 Why is this the only place I feel any chance of being understood? Where else can one find people that appreciate art, mathematics, technology, philosophy, and understand challenges with identity and mental problems?

>>11997 >>11997 Nothing makes me happier than mathematics, yet I am in pain all the time. Why am I in so much pain? When will I be me again? Will I ever see her again? What will she say? Will she be different? Will I be different? Will I still love her? Will she have moved on?

I keep upsetting myself over something very simple. I want it to stop because I don't think I can live my life knowing I can, at any moment, waste hours of my day.

>>11997 College and around buy sparingly. First off let me clear some things up for you, i'm sure we have talked on this board and had a discussion you found interesting just because its propable (smallish board and all). However if you talked to me in real life I might be a lot less lucid, thats just the nature of written communication. Another thing is that there is an entry level for this board like any board. For example you can already write off mostly anyone who is not good with computers, which already hones in closer on the group of people you are talking about. Second its not only a chan but an alt chan for a kind of bizarre show, which means you again are already blocking off mostly anyone who isn't into alternative and abstract topics. Thus even the "dumbest" person on this board is probably significantly closer to what you speak of than average. Now from here you can choose to believe en masse people are huge idiots and your chance of finding someone at your level is just much smaller than real life. Or you can choose to see value in the words of these people and not place topics pertaining to what you speak of on a pedestal. Neither is wrong, I choose the latter just because ive found very smart people capable of such conversations but who just dont like them and would rather talk about celebrities or tv shows. However if you believe that lack of interest signifies someone you wont like, then you just have to play the filtering a chan does in real life. Speak your truths and dress how you feel and those not similar will think poorly of you but those you want will move closer. Its hard to do because it can seem to mean socially ostracizing yourself a bit, but in the end it will work in your favor. Thats my take on it at least.

Another day of work, another studious evening getting closer to reading untranslated manga. So why do I feel so lonely tonight? I hope all off you lainons are spending a good new year eve in your own manner, and that 2019 will treat you well. I love all of you, and look forward to another year in your company.

>>12043 Likewise friend. 2019 will be the big year, if not then 2020 will. Anyhow ill make the best of it.

>>12044 >>12043 Happy new year, lains! It's awfully lonely here too

>>12045 happy new year to all my friends here, I want to celebrate it with you, but I am going to a "friendly get-together" with my parents and all their church friends and their children. I am the black sheep of the whole group because I am not very religious, and unlike everyone else, I went to a public school and did not attend college (not a neet). At least there will be free food... My parents even suggested that I could interact with women my age there. to be honest i would rather spend the time on lainchan than being lonely in a group of normeys I have almost nothing in common with.

>>12045 >>12046 there's a flip side to everything. Remember that, while you're alone for NYE, people in in New York's Times Square are wearing diapers because there's no place to go to the bathroom when things are that crowded. The absurdities of life keep me warm at night.

>>12047 Thanks for that, it made me feel a little better for some reason. I feel like I was being told to stay weird and that felt good.

Since it's the end of the year I'm feeling reflective but there's not really much to reflect on. I left my house probably 10 times maximum in 2018. Every day was just idly passing the time until I can go back to sleep. I noticed that a common thing I do is just open and close random bookmarks for hours, sometimes I've caught myself doing nothing but that all day. I don't really like this reclusive life but there's not much I can do about it. Especially lately, as my depression has been advancing rapidly. A lot of days I don't bother to sit at my computer anymore, I spend all day wrapped in blankets in my bed fantasizing. I expect 2019 to be more of the same.

>>12054 Here's a suggestion, for what it's worth. You need to socialize. You also might not have socializarion experience. Start small. Visit art galleries and play performances. Take notes on your thoughts on these and post them somewhere they will be seen. Reddit, for example. Or, if Reddit isn't your cup of tea, find out if there is an industry or local paper to submit to. Someone in another thread pointed to a syndicatiom service that might take opinion pieces. The point is to start socializing at arm's length. Put atuff out there and respond to the feedback as appropriate. Search for meaningful conversation. As you get used to it, you'll start to branch out. In time, you'll eventually start socializing in person. It will take a while, but small steps are the key.

I vomited on the third day on the job because I didn't think I was sick, in the store, in front of everyone, I'm scared I'm gonna get fired....

I'm disgusted of everything and myself. The pettiness, selfishness and narcissism of everybody disgust me and in my case, I can't stop feeling guilty when I do something mildly mean. But even so, what is this post but bragging of how special I am? The self is big cosmic jail impossible to break, a weight we are doomed to carry.

I'm just bad.

>>12082 This is honestly a good suggestion. I'm too anxious and autistic to do any real socializing, but these semi-social activities have kept me from becoming a totally isolated hermit. Go to a gallery or museum. Visit a theatre or concert, or maybe an open lecture. Take a train ride to the closest large city and just wander the streets, taking in the locations and people. I've always found these things to be at least a little elating.

>>12088 Is that a professional opinion or just your own ?

>>12089 people-watching is a fun activity too, and it's less creepy than you might think as long as you're not staring at peoples' asses.

>>12091 Second.

>>12082 I see what you're saying, and this is in fact very solid advice. Everyday is excruciatingly lonely for me because I have no friends. I moved to a new city, to a new school which makes things more difficult. I'm so down the rabbit hole of depression that I just feel disinterest and apathy for everything. My motivation levels are low, what's the point of getting out of bed in the morning. I'm struggling to connect with anyone in this society or relate in general. I've tried integrating myself into clubs or groups but always left because everyone seemed so distant and I didn't understand them. I've tried social media but it's a cesspool of facades constantly discussing politics and sex, besides just hating the existence of social media overall. I've tried going to events but it never leads anywhere. I don't have any passions or hobbies anyway. I don't know how to find them. I am truly completely lost. Envious of those who have long term friendships since childhood or a single companion. At this rate I'll rot from isolation. Stuck in a limbo of unproductiveness.

>>12054 Talk a therapist/psychiatrist

For those who feel lost in their lifes, there is an entire different world out there than we told. All the filth of modern humanity is a distraction from what is really going, i cant explain nor give any evidence but i know it has to be true and those who seek out the other world will find out things they could not believe possible. This sounds like a lame attempt at giving comfort by some a fuarrrked up druggie but i am confident there is so much more to our lifes than we can see right now. I hope you guys hang in there, the new world will need people like us and we will reap its benefits.

>tfw not getting paid but still have to go to work because donald-kun want's a wall

>>12108 A small price to pay for the betterment of your nation. Blame the democrats, the bill was signed already.

>>12110 >The House of Representatives passed a stopgap bill on Thursday night to reopen the Department of Homeland Security at its current funding levels until February 8, essentially punting the fight on the wall to next month while reopening DHS in the meantime. The stopgap bill would not allocate any new wall funding, rejecting President Donald Trump's demand for additional funding for a border wall. well at least there's that going for me

>>12112 so we have DHS but no national forest? Wack.

>>12103 The world feels very small to me. I live in major city with millions of people but the only things I see available for doing is shopping, going out and drinking, or going out and eating. You obviously can go to work also, hooray. I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything really. The people I've been exposed to have all been the same old soykaf every time; manipulative, self-centered, many times inconsiderate and not a shred of authenticity or intelligence, in fact anti-intellectual much of the time. I'm supposed to go back to school in a few days and register for my classes on Monday, but I feel inclined to just not. I'd rather hang out in my apartment all day with a weird sleep schedule, never talk to anyone, and fuarrrk off on my computer. I find it so exhausting to deal with people I just see them as helpless. I realize I'm human as well, but I make an attempt to show kindness and be gentle to others, care about things, etc. I rarely see that in other people, and the opposite is often rewarded by society. I'll start my classes either way though. My rent gets paid by my military education benefits while I'm enrolled, so I don't have a choice. I know I'll never be normal, but I recently started taking an antidepressant after being against it for so long and I think it may be having a positive effect. I don't think it'll make me love things, but if I can not be in a ton of emotional pain while out and about that'd probably go a long way.

>>12116 Is that your scroll

>>12122 It's not; I wish.

>>12130 Honestly a pretty cool scroll. I'd buy it. I've seen some lame lain posters and all.

>>12116 If it makes you feel better, you're not that weird, so as you get deeper into a educational niche you'll meet more and more people similar to you. If you make a point of practicing small talk and following up with people, you'll increase your odds of getting good friends as well. Life gets a lot better after classes are done with.

>>12100 >I've tried integrating myself into clubs or groups but always left because everyone seemed so distant and I didn't understand them. Friendships take time to build. Other people can't be familiar with a stranger, they're worried about sticking their foot in their mouth.

My fuarrrking tinnitus has been really obnoxious recently. It's not a problem when there's other noise, but when it's dead silent (like the middle of the night) it's god damn horrible. I've had it my entire life so I'm 99% used to it, but sometimes for a period it'll change to a different noise and loop over and over. Right now it sounds like the beep of a broken computer, I was looking all over for the source of some malfunctioning electronic before I finally went outside and noticed that it was coming from inside my ear. I have to crank a white noise machine way up to get to sleep. I've had it for as long as I can remember; if you don't have it already, do remember to take care of your ears. Turn down your music and use speakers instead of headphones if you can.

Mil vet, 10 years. Drinking problem. PTSD so bad I got tackled by cops and sent to a mental institution. I just want to go back to normal

>>11421 aww anon I'm sorry that really is like kicking dead whales down the beach, I hope you ended up getting your medicine

>>12140 i dropped out for the quarter and am starting again in the spring. i had a recent short stint with ssri's and I need to get my head on straight and stuff again before going back. that said, I can do all of those things that you mentioned, but I don't care to I guess(?) Even in groups of people where we share similar interests I feel very alien around them now. i honestly just like being left alone and wish I had a girlfriend who was similar; no realistic but whatever

How come I get no fuarrrking support in my life, no one ever patted me on the head or told me I did a good job all I got was more fuarrrking criticism. My sister is spending her life drawing, sitting at 300k+ followers, while even after toiling away as hard as I can 6-8 hours a day for years I can't even make anything I'm happy with. Is every fuarrrking male in my family cursed to be a fuarrrking mentally ill, aggravated failure? Why am I such a disconnected asshole? Everyone in the world is starting to look like some bag of flesh with a function. When did it all go fuarrrking wrong? I used to be a nice kid, really empathetic, I remember running 4km just to give some poor guy $20 when these days I can barely give enough of a soykaf to give directions to a blind man. I hate being religious, every single moment of it. I hate being a slave to some great being who's idea of justice is either endless hedonistic pleasure or eternity in torture. I don't want a golden mansion in heaven with a harem of women, I just want to fuarrrking draw nice pictures and comics, so my only incentive is to avoid eating my own flesh in hell. I want to go back, I want to fix all this soykaf but I can't because I have no idea why it happened in the first place I remember when I was a kid I used to cry in fear of how harsh the judgement was, I was pretty shocked at the time how anyone could lead a normal life believing it, but I quickly realized that these people are simply going through the motions, not a single one of them stopped to think about the prayers, or the books, or what they said. My issue was that I understood the religion/language more than I should've at a young age and I suppose might have fuarrrked me up to an extent I'd come to the realization that other people will never have any bearing to my happiness ages ago, the soykaf where someone lends a helping hand just doesn't happen to people like me. Everything I want I'm just going to have to take it myself which is easier for me, but when I see others working together I just can't help be jealous of them since it seems so much simpler. I feel like I'm going to be living an isolated life like this unless I find out what's wrong and fix it, even then I doubt I'd be happy The only genuine love I've felt for a person for years was towards Lain, it's just that cold-warmth in my chest I've missed for so long

>>12248 300k+ followers? How much money does she make? Regardless, if you simply can't compete with her, then you need to stop wallowing in your own misery, swallow your pride, get closer to her, leech off of her, and then maybe hurt her somewhere down the line if you despise her success so much, or if you are not getting enough use out of her. Consider developing charisma and (if necessary) better looks. Be better than her wherever you can be, while simultaneously acting humble and feigning to be her ally. Or consider playing dumb and helpless to gain her pity and sympathies, but do so genuinely and with an affective tone, to avoid disgust. If she is completely at ease around you, but you are done with her, then cut off all contact. If she is starting to get anxious or weary, then do the same thing, but do not let the pot boil over in your disfavor. Granted, I do not know of your relationship with your sister, so you'll need to use your own better judgement. Flowers, hugs, and crying? Domineering and bullying? It's up to you. Also, drop the religious attitudes and focus on the external world, you need to always remain in touch with reality, otherwise you are weak and vulnerable. The weaker and more vulnerable you are, the more you are susceptible to outside influences overwhelming and crushing you, and the more you are prone to committing foolish actions.

I was with someone for 2 years through the internet. We would call each other every night, play games together, do everything best friends would do really. And we loved each other. I ended up moving to the same city that he lives in (not for him, I grew up there coincidentally and had to move in with family again) only for him to cheat on me with another girl before we could even meet. He is not sorry. He visits my website daily (I have an IP counter and he visits it everyday) and even messaged me in response to a blog post I wrote. Yet I see his social media accounts and him and his girlfriend seem to be doing great and I could even imagine them getting married. Sometimes I can't sleep because I am tossing and turning wondering if he's thinking about me, he has to be when he visits my website every day, he has to be after all of the time that we shared, right? But what does it matter? There is no going back from this. I look back on the past two years and wonder why I have wasted so much time of my life, so many of my emotions, on something that was as good as a simulation. I never felt anything in my life until I met him, even though it was all through the internet. Some may call me a fool for investing so much time into something long distance. But what do people expect of me? I'm autistic, I'm awkward and weird, the only interests I have are very niche subjects that "normal" people around me in day-to-day life would never be interested in. I cannot connect to other people in real life. I am not interested in popular subjects. My emotions are broken. I do not feel anything besides hollowness and boredom. And now that I lost my only friend and only person who loved me to some other girl, I have nobody. People always claim everything is so easy for women. That they can easily get a boyfriend or friends in general. So why is everything so fuarrrking hard for me? It has never been easy for me. And I have tried. But still I am always cast out or abandoned. I have been thinking of suicide for real lately. When I close my eyes and I lay in bed I imagine my overdosed and barely conscious body laying on the train tracks before it strikes me down. What purpose is a life if all I do is suffer. I am no good at anything and I am cursed to a life of seclusion. I would not wish these feelings on anybody.

>>12259 From the perspective of a guy who likes to vanish from people for months/years: I don't see the problem. All relationships are temporarily. Some might last longer but ultimately none last forever. Either someone dies or interests grow apart and so you walk different paths. If you had fun spending time together then that's a good thing in itself. Expecting it to last forever is too greedy imo. You learn this especially if you go traveling - you meet new people enjoy the company and walk apart each week new. I still like to catch up and see what my old friends are doing online but you have to also accept that you are not identical and won't walk the same path forever. It's more productive to be happy about the good moments than be sad about splitting apart.

>>12261 It's not the fact that the relationship is over. It is the fact that I was cheated on. Being cheated on de-legitimizes an entire relationship or at least a large portion of it.

>>12259 Online relationships have as much impact as physical relationships, it's not foolish nor did you waste any time. That's how relationships go, Lain. You cannot know what the other person feels, the best you can do is attempt to understand and accept them, and if they're hurting you, all you can do is just leave. You can't expect people to act a certain way or to reciprocate positive or negative feelings, all we can do is be honest and deal with whatever comes. >I cannot connect to other people in real life. I am not interested in popular subjects. Lain, i'm not sure how old you are, but there are people into anything. Whatever you like, i bet there is a community for it, an IRC chat, a forum or two, there are groups of people who enjoy the same things, after all there are people who created whatever it is you enjoy. Thinking that you're too weird to live in society is a lie you're telling yourself. You might not have the energy to seek out other people, but that's on you. >So why is everything so fuarrrking hard for me? It has never been easy for me. And I have tried. But still I am always cast out or abandoned. I can't answer that, and i believe you can't either. But it is, Lain. Maybe killing the expectation that someone will show up might help, embrace loneliness, find meaning within yourself. You cannot control how loved or despised you will be by others, all you can do is be honest with yourself, understand yourself and express yourself honestly. Finding other people is a consequence, not a reward. >I have been thinking of suicide for real lately. When I close my eyes and I lay in bed I imagine my overdosed and barely conscious body laying on the train tracks before it strikes me down. What purpose is a life if all I do is suffer. I am no good at anything and I am cursed to a life of seclusion. I would not wish these feelings on anybody. A lot of us feel similarly, that's what attracts us to this place after all, isn't it Lain? Life is painful for a lot of us, but you can find strength within that. There are things you enjoy, focus on them, it might help you a little. I hope life is gentler with you in the future, Lain.

>>12262 >call each other every night, play games together, do everything best friends would do really >cheating From what you've mentioned it sounds as a regular online friendship. I lived the same type of live for months with guys sitting together in voicecom daily soykafchatting and playing games before vanishing again for months on my trips til ultimately never coming back together again. I can see how it could seem special to you if you had no comparison but to him it could have been just another temporary connection among many. Even meeting up IRL doesn't make it more special. We had those meetings back with people who played together for years online but time moves on and people still grew apart. I was one of the founding members of a nowadays large multigaming clan where i can't recognize anyone anymore and they don't know anything about me as the old people all left their own ways. What I'm trying to say in a longwinded manner is that generally these online connections aren't lasting. You and his thoughts on what you had might be quite different and while you feel cheated he could have always assumed that in time you would go your own ways.The biggest mistake probably people can make is assume the other person things like you.

>>12259 Hey, would you maybe want to try talking with me? Maybe it's inappropriate to ask because what you were going through. But I just want to make you know that I would be willing to see if we could be friends. I mean you said that you have a hard time making connections with other people. Before you kill yourself, why not try this? I mean there's no harm in trying, is there! I don't know exactly what niche subjects you're interested in, but my interests are also certainly not mainstream. And I'm able to care about a lot of things. If you wanna try, my email is anko@firemail.cc If you have any doubts, just try please!

>>12267 like clockwork.

>>12267 wow what a nice guy

I'm doing full time work and school to pay for college, I get to work early 6am-ish, get home about 2:30 3ish, I have time to do school work, but so drained it becomes hard to focus and I contently want to go to sleep. My friend is going through depression and is becoming a neet and I don't know how to help him.

>>12259 You shouldn't be sad anyway, it's in a man's nature to be polygamous, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, he was simply tempted, and now that you have rejected him, he sees more value in keeping the other woman by his side than fighting a losing battle, in which he could potentially fail to win your heart, and lose his own woman along the way, although he definitely still has feelings for you. >There is no going back from this. Who are you kidding anyway? It's almost exclusively women who are the gatekeepers of relationships, so stop being petty and simply take him back if you just can't do without him. In the process of reconciliation you might even remove her from the picture and have him all to yourself anyway. If you play your cards right, this could happen rather quickly, unless he's completely head over heels for her, which he probably isn't, considering that he's practically stalking you. It's a win-win if you ask me. >>12262 >Being cheated on de-legitimizes an entire relationship or at least a large portion of it. You don't need to think so, as to him it probably was nowhere near such a big deal, it just seems that way to you because you are socially isolated and have your judgement clouded by emotions, which makes something like this seem like a much bigger deal than it really is.

>>12293 Really, we still gotta deal with soykaf like you post /civ/?

The whole time when I was in uni I was insecure about my skills and afraid that I will never get a job. Now that I got my dream job, I feel like a total fuarrrking hack that will get fired at any moment. Will the suffering ever end?

>>12298 Either learn enough to be confident in your skills, or if that isn't enough, look for a psychiatrist, Lain. It's a normal condition. Always remember that all employers are making 100 times whatever they pay you. None of this matters. All that matters is how you perceive yourself, not the value you provide to others.

im extremely hypersexual and i cant control it and i have extreme masochistic tendencies which make it even worse. no this isnt the title of a doujin im being serious. ive always frequently masturbated but ut started my first year of college I was very inexperienced and basically was sexually abused for two months, I never thought it was abuse but my friend said it definitely was when i told her about it. which im sad to say when i told her about it part of me was hoping she would like it and want to hurt me too thankfully she didnt. I actually cant sleep unless im thinking about sexual things. To make it worse when I DO start getting horny my inability to control it turns me on more. ive nearly passed out choking myself and have cut myself while masturbating and it also fed into a bad amphetamine addiction which thankfully thats passed. i feel like im just continuing the abuse on myself i guess. but still like how can i be sexually abused when I was 18 almost and I also didnt entirely not want it but i cant remember. I know i was confused, worried, scared, hurt when she first started but also excited. i definitely learned to like a lot of things though. the friend i said i told i even was interested in being her friend cause id heard stories about her being really cold and dominant. they just ended up not being entirely true. shes not exactly a stable person so I really have to keep myself in check and never encourage behaviours id like that would be damaging her and im pretty good about it. Itl be like a situation she was being a huge dick in, and she will ask me if she was being one and i have to be honest and say yeah even though i want to say no because i think its hot when shes acting sociopathic and thats just really fuarrrked that i would even consider damaging the progress shes made over the years. she has trouble relating to people so if i do tell her something and be like "no yeah you were in the right" or "yeah thats normal" she believes me because usually im totally honest with her. i dont even know fuarrrk me. i used to think that abuse thing made me better somehow now I can see it just set me back further. Basically anything good I learned I could have just learned from someone who wasnt fuarrrked in the head and abusive. im not positive though that if she came to me again (she wouldnt/cant thankfully) i wouldnt let her do whatever she wanted to me. i cant really describe how being abused/controlled/forced to do stuff now makes me feel other than safe. its like i see myself as such an incompotent worthless person that the only way i have worth and will be okay is if someone i look up to or respect is using me.

>>11033 Are you me? Everywhere I go I'm an outsider. My communication falls flat onto deaf ears, as when I relay my Ideas they seem like they're not heard for what they are. Physically interacting with people is incredibly difficult with anxiety pushing me away from the interaction. I too am Autistic, and it feels as if people keep their distance. Although me being rather eccentric in the way I present and act doesn't help. I hate small talk, it's as if nothing was said and a waste of time. That I can only ever really communicate and connect with someone, If I'm alone with them. Although to do that, I feel as if I need to socially trap them with me in the conversation. That no one is willing talking to me. If you have discord add me [spoiler]rave_#4760[/spoiler]

>>12315 in the same way you might play video games or whatever for fun some people talk for fun. im not unfamiliar to your view on small talk but its commonly said among people with something called intellectualization which is creating barriers out of anxietys and fears using perfectly sensible rationalizations and values. Why exactly does every discussion have to be deep and meaningful if many of the things you do daily not involving people don't have to be? Needing to be alone with someone or getting to these deep talks to feel connected though isn't an issue and is normal among people who are introverted. However, and you probably won't like this, not every person you talk to needs to have a deep connection with you in the same way not every step you take needs to be leading to a specific destination. In addition many people use small talk to warm themselves into being open with someone. I certainly dont have friends who I only small talk with and some do and I think thats stupid. However I had similar reasons to you and they stopped holding up once my fears and anxieties started to be worked on. Of course im not you.

>>12313 I have known people like you lain. This is just advice from someone who has never gone through what you've gone through, but I want to say that you *can* get better. There are people out there, in this world, who are capable of "turning it off/on" and being what you need, someone who both cares about you and is willing to be forceful with you. You just need to find them.

>>12313 >its like i see myself as such an incompotent worthless person that the only way i have worth and will be okay is if someone i look up to or respect is using me. That's how a lot of subs feel in the BDSM community, Lain. Have you tried being a part of it? As always, be careful about it. A lot of abusers are part of these communities. Try to only deal with people you trust, as in, build trust before being alone with anyone.

>>12336 I don't know how to just isolate it to sexual stuff is one thing but I can work on that however another is I feel weird about that like I feel like being a part of that community is such a lifestyle choice or something idk how to describe it. I'm somewhere where it DEFINITELY exists. I don't even know how you get into that though i'm not old enough to go to bars yet and it seems like a lot of people are introduced to it or have friends or a partner doing it with them. it must be pretty obvious though cause my therapist figured it out just mainly because of how I dress. It was really weird admitting that to someone so much older than me. Also I know this probably just isnt true but the type of girl im into usually from what ive seen online really only does stuff like that for pay. However I may be looking in the wrong places because two of my friends who are kind of dominant both are kinda uptight successful/professional people which usually I avoid. A part of me also feels like it would be bad for me because I would just find the abusers as the people into something like that because they really enjoy hurting people would be the most attractive to me.

>>11033 I'm the same lain. For a while I tried really hard to be smart reading a ton and studying but I could never pass others. Then realized that I just had a slower "pace" than everyone else. While they could do mental maths like it was nothing I had to have pen and paper, or if others could seemingly remember every detail about a topic I needed to build up to an answer from scratch. I'd say take it easy, intelligence doesn't define a person and their worth. Remember that you don't need a PhD to have a chat or play some basketball. As for being alone and wanting someone to share things with. I can't help you there since I'm also stuck Present Day, Present Time! AHAHAHAHAHA! Maybe you should talk to lain (>>12315), my anxiety won't let me though.

How do I get over the one thing that's stopping my life from being perfect?

>>12472 Impossible to help, you're talking about something private without sharing what it is you're talking about.

>>12472 Assuming you mean the problem with females. In which case i can only give you my soykafty advice being immerse yourself in work and or do drugs. Works for me but might not be everyones cup of tea.

>>12480 Jesus, how did you draw the conclusion?

Somehow I can't deal with sex. It generates huge amounts of stress and fear in me that after every time I am with a girl I feel like soykaf for couple of days. Anf the worst part is that I don't feel like that before, I want it and it's usually my iniciative. I don't get it, why is it so stressful for me after? Everybody always say that they stress before, they are afraid that something will go wrong and all that stuff but for me it was never a problem but when the girl leaves eventually all hell break loose on my head. because of that I can't maintain any long relationship because I sabotage them to be alone again. And after I am alone I want to be with someone, I find a girl, dating is great and I really love meeting with them but after some time we have sex and bam, I start to loosing my mind again. Anyone else have similar problem? I think that it's because of fear of commitment or something but why the hell is it so strong? I don't know how to deal with this anymore

>>12490 Damn, Lain. I'm not a huge fan of therapy and would rarely recommend it for anyone, but your situation seems specific enough to require therapy, as in, someone specialized in this type of situation. I really wish i could help, but while i've felt similarly in the past, the reasons for that were extremely personal and specific, relating to events in my own life, so not really helpful as a general advice.

>>12490 I went through that literally from the time I was 16 to 22 non stop. I still go through it to this day but oddly enough the woman I'm with now won't leave me. I'm a mental basket case but she still loves me. Maybe she's more fuarrrked up than I am. Considering I'm nothing but a NEET that's leaching off of her.

I hate my job sometimes. It's very physically demanding and parts of it outright blow, especially when staying outside for days/weeks at a time. My back and legs are also sore pretty much constantly. t. infantryman

I feel that I wasted my life. I'm 29 now, stuck on PhD program with no future cause its humanities and there is really no perspectives. In the past I thought I really love it and was happy to do it but over the years I grow tired of this, sometimes even hate it and I really need some kind of stabilisation in life, a job and opportunities to grow. Right now I have nothing but at least I am able to pay for rent and food by myself. I don't know what to do. I need to stay there for at least 1 year because of the contract I have. I would like to change my career later but don't really know how. I feel like I'm too old to start something completely new. Many friends say that it's a good idea to be a programmer, that the companies in my city are hiring literally everyone with some basic skill and later it's easy to get a raise and promotion. It would be really nice to do it, stable job with decent money but I am afraid that starting something totally different is unwise. Do you think it's possible to start working in IT if I don't have any serious skills right now but I have a year of time to learn? I always was rather good with computers, not a specialist but among my friends it looks that I always knew more and was able to learn pretty fast.

>>12514 I've been with crippling depression almost all my life, Lain. I'm really smart, but i've wasted all these years doing the bare minimum to pay my bills and just live in a kind of coma. I'm 25 and only now starting to understand my traumas and being able to carry myself out of this hole. In our generation, a lot of us feel like this, it's entirely normal. I know people who feel like they only started their life at 35 or 40, for various reasons like gender transition, leaving their parents home, paying debt. Your situation isn't unique to you, nor did you waste any time, it's just how life is in our economical and political climate. The important part is being aware of what to do next, what is the next step to take. It's very easy to let yourself fall down a hole. > I feel like I'm too old to start something completely new. Think of it this way, you either start something new that you can tolerate, or you will live a miserable life and give up later anyway. Better find what you wanna do and start now than take 29 more years to get to that point. >but I am afraid that starting something totally different is unwise. This is true in pretty much the whole planet. The portfolio a programmer needs, in comparison to a musician or a cartoonist is laughable. The question isn't if you can do it, anyone can become a programmer, specially considering you have a year to study before looking for more other work, the question that matters if that's what you want. You might hate programming just as much. Don't go in blind. Find what is it you wanna do with your life from now on and do it. >Do you think it's possible to start working in IT if I don't have any serious skills right now but I have a year of time to learn? Very easily. You can study an hour or two a day, focus on building your portfolio and in a year you'll definitely be hirable. But once again, make sure this is what you want for your life, otherwise you'll just be following someone else's path, not your own.

>>12515 If only it would be so easy to find out what I want. I though I know it very well, that's why I have spent last 10 years on university but today I see things differently and I have some different expectations from life. Working with computers was always appeasing to me as well, I spent with them most of my life. And secondly Even if I would find programming as a job boring it's still not that bed because at least it's well paid and the job is stable. When you get to 30 those kinds of things really start matter. Everything starts to get boring after some time but you have to get money somehow. And getting just enough to live through the month is not good for me anymore, also I lost the passion for my field as well, got disillusioned by the reality and the people who work there so right now I just want a job and stabilisation. Thanks for the answer

>>12518 Then maybe programming is as good a path as any. Since your goal is primarily to get a job, the first thing you should do is look for job boards around your area, take not of how many junior positions are available, how much they pay and which technologies they ask for, write down all technologies even if you don't yet understand them, preferably rank them by the most sought after for your area. All jobs asking for 1~3 years of experience will probably accept a junior with an acceptable portfolio. Also write down the title of these job openings, "systems programmer", "fullstack developer", "UX designer", etc.. After you've got a good idea of what the most requested technologies and positions are available, research a little on each of these positions. See what a systems programmer does, what a front end programmer does, try to get a good idea of which area of specialization you want for you, taking into consideration what companies hire in your area. Here are some generic job boards (just filter for your location): https://weworkremotely.com/ https://stackoverflow.com/jobs https://jobs.github.com/positions?utf8=%E2%9C%93&description=&location= When you finish your research and decide on a specialization, feel free to ask advice on how to build your portfolio either here or on /λ/, the most important thing right now is having a plan of action and sticking to it, programming isn't inherently complex but it can be overwhelming if you're aimless. I truly hope life gets more gentle for you, Lain.

>>11931 I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed about nearly everything in my life.

>friend of 4 years finds out I'm transgender after I drove a town over to pick his ass up and drive him home after he has a drug fueled, mental breakdown in the city >interact with him as normal afterwards for about a week >then he abruptly cuts ties with me saying "i don't want to talk to trannies" Is it truly impossible to find friends who aren't insane SJWs or insane right-wingers these days? I just want people who aren't mindwormed by tribal red vs. blue politics.

>>12528 Damn, Lain. And yeah, it's possible, takes a lotta fuarrrking time and is completely outside your control though. You just gotta join communities, meet people, eventually you'll find someone who syncs with you. Maybe you won't, but you likely will.

>>12532 The problem politicized people have with centrists is that centrism inherently supports status quo, lain. This might be the source of your friend's unwillingness to support your worldview. Things aren't so simple for there to be a moderate center, a moderate center implies in certain things that are unacceptable for most politicized people. this isn't an invite for debate/thread derailment ffs

>Everyone is untrustworthy and would sell you out in a heartbeat, the only reason they haven't is due to risks involved or lack of opportunity >To believe this is unique, or only prevalent, in women is naive >To believe that people are born good-natured is naive >Your benefit can easily be replaced by those "close" to you >Your death means little to those "close" to you Any other opinion is deluded and ignores the facts, I used to be rosy -cheeked honest young boy many years ago I might''ve still been a kind person if not for the dishonesty I see in all the people I meet. Whether aimed at myself or others. The only person worth a shred of my trust is myself, I'm the only one who helped myself, I'm the only one who's helping myself, and I'm the only one who's ever going to help myself. And yet, I betray myself the most often. What a pathetic existence I've become

>>12537 That's a pretty naive point of view, but you don't seem to be open for anything else (which makes me question why bother posting, wouldn't that be like saying that 1+1=2?), so i'll leave you with this: every other human is as complex as you. How different would you be if your first love was still with you, if your family loved you more or if they didn't love you at all? if you were richer or poorer? How different would you be with a little brother to take care of? And as a single orphan child? Do you honestly believe you would be easily described as someone whose only intent is to sell people out, even when you were the rosy cheeked honest young boy? Personal experience fuarrrks us all up, Lain. Just try to broaden that experience before setting your mind on a simplistic worldview, it's very easy to believe your own simplifications and act based upon them, that's just defensive cowardice however, don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. People are complex, open yourself for more complexity instead of holding on to the past; the past is dead.

>>12538 Naive would be to assume goodness. A pessimist is by definition the opposite of naive. I think he's a bit overdramatic but the general viewpoint is true. Figuring out if a person is reliable is next to impossible. You can observe people backstabbing even longterm friends when the benefits vs downsides make it seem irrational. So there really is no reliable way to predict a persons behavior which makes reliance on others a game of chance. However just like poker you can still win playing. So i don't believe it's a reason to avoid people. Cooperation can be very rewarding. You just have to hedge your bets and only fold when the risk isn't worth the gain.

>>12539 I'm cranky so i won't elaborate too much, but nothing i said has anything to do with what you replied. pessimism is not the same as simplistic reductionism. embracing complexity is not equal to trusting strangers. and most of all, complexity has nothing to do with assuming goodness and i have no idea where you got that from.

I'm lonely. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I spend hours lurking forums but not posting because I have nothing meaningful to contribute. I watch highlight reels of streamers having fun playing games, and for a moment I forget that I'm alone. Then the video ends and I realize I'm laughing by myself at a recorded moment of someone else's life.

Girlfriend wanted more independence, so we soft broke up a couple months back, tentatively reverting to being friends with bennies, but now I'm torn between still having feelings for her and wanting to respect her decision. So I moved in with some college friends. Retrospectively, I understand her concerns, given her upbringing and my shaky financial status, but considering our time together and her sweet nothings fairly late in, I'm confused n pissed at both of us. fuarrrk though, I'm not sure I even know what I wanted out of that relationship or any in general really. Being able to hold someone in my arms and tell them, "Its okay," probably, but don't know if she even wants to see me that often, let alone be held any more. Guess it was more of a firm break up, eh? We really need to fix our soykaf. Ironically, a buddy of mine is having similar issues with his girl, the roles reversed, and I'm debating tagging out with 'im, see how the other grass grows, but I should probably concentrate on sorting my own soykaf fore getting involved in another person's again. Guess we'll see tomorrow, going skating with her anyway. Unrelated: fuarrrking buds are all, "Anon, you're such a good person!" Am I though? My girl of five years bounces saying, "Its me not you," but how fuarrrking cliche is that soykaf? Yeah, I'd basically do anything for a friend and wouldn't cheat a stranger, but that's just not being a cunt. Hardly worth the accolade, that. I'm foul mouthed n over-apologetic, arrogant and respond poorly to disappointing those I respect. Pretty fuarrrking terrible qualities, those. Maybe a change of scenery'll help; give me some perspective.

>>12554 It seems like you try to make things right with words too much, when in reality things don't work that way. Let's say we're roommates and i hate many small things about your routine. Either you notice those things and stop doing them or they'll just build up to a point where i'll be distant from you. And this goes both ways, that's part of what people mean when they say chemistry, you just understand the other side more easily. Most meaningful problems can't be fixed with words at all, Lain. Specially in a relationship. If you have specific issues, sure, they can be talked out. But degradation isn't something you can put into words. You have been together for 5 years, i guarantee you have some idea of what made you two break up, just trust your instincts. Maybe it's something you don't really can or want to fix, but that's for you to decide and act upon it, not talk about.