will you kill yourself?

i cannot imagine myself growing old. the thought of being alone at 40 with no skills and nothing to offer the world terrifies me, but so does the thought of ending my own life. every day i feel more and more like that old frank yang video: i was thrown into this soykaf world without my consent, and i am damned by thousands of years of evolution to fear death. i know the simple answer is to find something (or someone) to love in the world, but my brain won't let me. i obsess over transience to the point where i can't enjoy anything. music makes me sad, movies make me sad, anime makes me sad, imageboards make me sad, talking to people makes me sad. i can't help but feel i wasn't made for this world. i can't kill myself now because that would make things even worse for my family (i have already caused them great pain because of my sadness) and the last thing i want to do is hurt others. i want to die (i think), but i am afraid of death. i'm scared to lose all my senses and exist in the void. i'm afraid to do that to myself. i want to be unborn. will you kill yourself? can you see yourself being happy in the future? what in your life makes you want to continue living? do you fear the eternal nothingness you will eventually be forced into?

> i cannot imagine myself growing old. the thought of being alone at 40 with no skills and nothing to offer the world terrifies me You have no idea how possible this is. Try and find a skill or trade you enjoy. Not the one that will make the most money, one that you can stomach doing. Better yet, two or three things.

if you obsess over transience, you should learn to accept it. You are correct that nothing lasts but the correct response is to enjoy them while they last. Every experience is a little pinprick of light in the void, we should cherish them like the stars.

Geez lainon, i thought i had my share of depression today, but this tops it. I know how fuarrrked up you must feel right now, you can find something to hold on to, as much as it seems impossible to you. But i can ensure you that it is possible no matter how bleak it looks. Im sick and tired of seeing people go out like this, but if some cant pack it anymore its their choice. The wrong people keep dying, its frustrating. I have all that behind me, i will take what life gives me and try to play the cards i get the best way. Probably expecting a long or happy life is unrealistic for me, but as long as i achieve my goals i believe i can bear to live in this world. I once died before in a way, im not afraid of it. However for as long as i live i chose to persist in this wicked reality and fight against this stream of constant misery we are subjected to in my own way.

>>9334 I mentioned this in the other suicide thread, but I'll reiterate it here: read Hermann Hesse's Steppenwolf. I can't say that it will work for everyone, but it helped me when I didn't think anything could. I thought I would kill myself, but I don't think I will anymore, having finished this book. Also, I'll quote Ikari Yui here and say this: "Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you'll always have the chance to be happy." I remember that when I was suicidal I didn't really want to be happy so much as I wanted to be dead, but if sadness and fear are justifications for suicide, then the potential for happiness should be a justification for living. I don't know whether I will be happy. In fact, I'm inclined to think that I won't be. However, I no longer think of suicide as a reasonable response to life.

>>9337 So should I take that to mean no moment has meaning beyond its own present? If cherished moments can have meaning beyond that moment alone, so too will sufferings cling to you. If sufferings can be left behind, so too will cherished moments be left behind.

>>9355 >>>9337 >So should I take that to mean no moment has meaning beyond its own present? ...yes Lain. You can enjoy transience. It is the only constant.

>>9359 Enjoy transience? That's crap. Nobody wishes for transience except those who are suffering. Transience is bullsoykaf and anybody who doesn't think so either A. Doesn't see its complete tyranny over our existence B. Has always had a great life and can't picture anything else (inevitably the good will end and they will be forced to reconsider) or C. Has been Stockholm-syndromed into liking it just because we can't change it

>>9362 i dont know if id call it enjoyment per se, but what you're saying is even more ridiculous. it's like you've decided that you hate the force of gravity and want to kill yourself to escape its "tyranny". its also worth mentioning that its fully within your power to find enjoyment in anything you want. it's your mind, after all. even suffering itself isn't entirely unenjoyable (and you don't need to be a masochistic freak to thing so).

>>9372 >suffering itself isn't entirely unenjoyable You're just telling me you've never truly suffered. No it fuarrrking isn't. My position is merely that we should not ignore the flaws of the world, even flaws fundamental to it. Stop pretending everything about the world is good. Though it may be wise not to beat your head against a concrete wall, that doesn't mean you have to like the damn wall.

>>9355 "good" and "bad" are not inherent properties of anything, they are your interpretation of them. You don't need to interpret your life. When you die, you don't need to think "this was a good life" or "this was a bad life". It was a life, good or bad don't have to come into it. The meaning of a thing is the meaning you give it. If you give your life no meaning, it will have no meaning. Many people who did have some meaning to their life find this out, and become depressed or even suicidal. I am telling you, as someone who has run out of reasons to live, it is better to find peace with the emptiness. Now I just live, I suffer through the bad and enjoy the good, and I humdrum in the in-between. I'm still me, I still have worries, I'm still confused and often lonely, but I can take a step back and see how small those things really are, and see how beautiful life is. >>9362 >nobody wishes for transience except those who are suffering You don't need to wish for transience, it's already there at all times. Being happy about it just makes you happy, being sad or angry about it just makes you sad and angry. It's better to recognize it but not feel one way or another about it.

>>9379 also, I should note that when I say life is beautiful that doesn't mean it makes you feel good. Plenty of beautiful things are ambiguous or downright sad. We can still appreciate their beauty.

>>9377 >You're just telling me you've never truly suffered. Wah wah I couldn't possibly have it as bad as you, right? You don't know soykaf about me. But let's not turn this into a pissing match. >Stop pretending everything about the world is good. I'm not. Things aren't all "good" or "bad", stop trying to assign values like that. Listen to this guy >>9379 . I stand behind what I said. Unless you're a worthless hedonist you should be able to recognize the value in suffering. Or would you prefer morphine bliss?

>>9382 I'm not talking about pleasure/displeasure. Some suffering is useful. Some suffering you grow from. Some suffering is bittersweet. Some suffering you choose to go through. And then, some suffering is categorically unnecessary, needlessly cruel, and has no redeeming value whatsoever. You're right I don't know much about you, but I know you've never had much of the latter kind.

>>9385 >You're right I don't know much about you, but I know you've never had much of the latter kind. not them, but it's pretty rude to assume that somebody hasn't had the same experiences as you just because of their beliefs.

>>9386 Looking at it again with less emotional investment, I think we were meaning two different things by the word "suffering". I didn't wish to imply I'm any better than him in any way for having experienced value-less suffering. That's inherent in it being value-less.

I made a dumb video once, it was just a stupid little funny animation. Very much my humor, weird and semi ironic. My drawings, I can draw okay, but these were intentionally far below my skill level because I was admiring some soykafty art some kids in a discord were making that day. Something about it struck a chord and that's why I made the animation in the first place. Later I once again took some pills to make me feel good, had been at this point trying to quit (adderall and then norco on the comedown) so would do it then wouldnt for 1-3 days repeat. Used to everyday. In that moment of me being amped out on several adderall pills I watched this video I made while sober and it was cute. I knew I made it, but I wasn't seeing it as if I made it. And I thought "I don't want this person to die, I like the stuff they make". That person being me.

I really hope I can kill myself before I get too old to do it myself. When I was 20, I said I'd work up the courage to kill myself by 25, now I'm saying the same sort of soykaf at 27 about my 30s. It's not gonna get any easier to do, unless we force ourselves to just do it. I've been thinking maybe suicide by cop or putting myself in a situation where the only way out is death. Might make it easier. >do you fear the eternal nothingness you will eventually be forced into? I fear living again, I don't give a soykaf if I don't wake up, if it all just stops, but I'm terrified I'll wake up in hell, or worse. What if there is no way out? That's what terrifies me.

>>9334 The two main things stopping me from killing myself are that my family will feel sad if I do so, and God might punish me for committing suicide. I don't fear death, every day I wish I was dead. I don't think I will be happy for long periods of time in the future.

> i know the simple answer is to find something (or someone) to love in the world, but my brain won't let me > talking to people makes me sad Get a pet. Start feeding pigeons / stray cats. Grow some plants.

Asking here instead of making a whole new thread: Is there any rational reason I shouldn't kill myself once I have the means to do so reliably and peacefully? Life is suffering and endlessly mitigating that suffering through the fulfillment of desires. To some degree, we are in control, but we are still the product of a long line of natural selection. I don't say this to persuade anyone to kill themselves; I only say it to show you my reasoning. I understand that life can be enjoyable, but when not alive, the capacity to feel joy isn't at all important. Why endlessly spill milk just to clean it up when you can simply stop pouring glasses of milk to spill in the first place? Not a perfect metaphor, but you get the idea.

>>9605 There's no purely rational reason to do anything at all. The only reason to kill yourself is because you feel like it, the only reason to live is because you feel like it. >Life is suffering and endlessly mitigating that suffering through the fulfillment of desires. Why do you think the default state is suffering? Is the fulfillment of desires really the only way to not suffer? In many cases, people feel miserable once they have fulfilled all their desires(fame, fortune, etc.), and some people feel fulfillment when they deny their own desires. I am not very well read in philosophy, but I think the takeaway from existentialism is this: in an absurd life with no purpose, what is necessary is for people to make their own purpose. Make your own reason to get up in the morning. If it feels fake that's because it is, but that really doesn't matter, any reason you have for killing yourself is also fake. What matters is that you feel like living.

>>9334 >waill you kill yourself? Not at all, buddy! Take a look around, imagine all the changes that the universe has been suffering to me to be here. Look at the probabilities to me to be here. It's a little too unlikely, it's immeasurable, and because of that even though my can be tough sometimes, I treasure all that soykaf. Problems are there to be solved, so I'm gonna face them. >can you see yourself being happy in the future? I don't think in happiness and sadness as continuous concepts. No one is always happy, no one is always sad. It is all about moments. So I can see myself happy in the future as much as I can see myself sad as well. >what in your life makes you want to continue living? Goals. If you have some goal, it makes you breathe, it keeps you alive and gives you some happiness. If you reach that goal you kinda lose a little bit of happiness that you had in the pursuiting time, that's when you know that you must focus on another one an keep going. >do you fear the eternal nothingness you will eventually be forced into? I feel fear of average stuff. Being mediocre, and not having my goals reached is what I'm afraid of. Look for some help, suicide isn't ok.