Why do I want to kill myself?

Greetings, lainons. Like most of us here, I'm feeling something is wrong in my head and I'm posting in hopes any of you can share your own experiences, offer guidance, or otherwise make me feel a little less insane - or at least tell me to grow the fuarrrk up. It ebbs and flows, but as far as I can remember I've always felt like killing myself in the back of my mind. Unlike most people however, I wouldn't consider myself depressed, I think. My life is good. I'm seeing the world, money is fine, I have friends, family, a beautiful girlfriend far too good for me. Every day I'm so grateful to be alive, yet at the same time I've always had the temptation of blowing my fuarrrking head off, almost like a call of the void. I've thankfully been too much of a pussy to attempt but sometimes it's so bad I worry a few drinks deep and I might crack. The combination of it all makes me feel like a fraud even talking to those who've actually tried - like if there was some kind of imposter syndrome for being suicidal. The madness of trying to figure out why I want to kill myself is causing me more grief than the suicidal thoughts themselves. Does anything coincide with constant suicidal ideation which maybe flew under the radar? Do I need to get over myself? Am I missing a key part of life? Does anyone have any similar experiences and if so, how did you repress them? ITT: Share your own experiences with wanting to log out of life, outside of generally being depressed. Was there something in your life which made you want to do it? How long has it lingered over you? How close were you? Please offer your own thoughts and troubles and help me feel a little less lost.

I could be extremely wrong but I think it’s going out on your own terms

>Share your own experiences with wanting to log out of life, outside of generally being depressed. Was there something in your life which made you want to do it? 1. Awareness of my intellectual shortcomings. 2. Awareness of my moral shortcomings. 3. Paraawareness of my potential that I feel I am wasting that I delusionally think I possess (the potential). 4. Awareness that I have no control over my life. 5. Awareness that I am going to lose all four awarenesses (1, 2, 4, and 5). None of which apply to you, clearly. No, I am not depressed, clearly. >Does anything coincide with constant suicidal ideation which maybe flew under the radar? Maybe some kind of physical pressor in your brain. Get a scan or something.

>>92948 >None of which apply to you, clearly. This is not me being hostile. When one works in technology, one needs sufficient intellect -- 1.5 sd or so -- to be consistently self-aware of one's value, and immune to the danger of losing it. Under it, it is fair game. Minds / brains of sufficient quality threshold self-repair, self-solve. I recently had a chat with ai in which I asked it to name cases where iq doesn't let one fix one's brain. First example it gave was Nash, and I threw a handful of correlations at it which he would have / has made, which would have / have fixed his condition.

>>92949 Specifically and generally at the same time, as I extracted theories from ai over the last month, it more than once mentioned this one: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_energy_principle It sounds valid. When I looked into corresponding books, I came across a random passage rationalizing addiction and mental illness, for instance, I believe, which is an obvious conclusion (universal rationality). But this is not about that, but about sufficient brains' inherent capacity to do that. To form COMPLETE, deterministic theories of their own functioning. As proper as drawing from neurophysics, or as simple as "everything makes sense". And peace that yields. Any global view localizes all turmoil. Subcritical brains lack that. Do not secure that globalization's permanence.

>offer guidance go see a psychiatrist you fuarrrking schizo. unless all your family, friends and gf are a product of your imagination in which case enjoy the ride. holy soykaf you're literally asking mindless retards for mental health advice, are you fuarrrking crazy? people who fix their schizo leave lainchan asap

>>92946 >have loving family, friends, and gf >suicidal WTF?!?!

>>92952 It can happen. Let's exercise presumption of, uh... commensurate judgement.

>>92947 I'm certain that's part of it. I've always foreseen it that way. I expect to kamikaze for a cause I believe in when the time is right. But that doesn't explain why I look at my girlfriend asleep on my lap and vividly picture her waking up to a bullet in my head. >>92953 Hey lain, I'm just as confused as you are. Judge away, but that's not to say I don't have other problems. Things are generally good, I just didn't want to turn this into a whiny poor-little-me vent thread.

>>92964 >I look at my girlfriend asleep on my lap and vividly picture her waking up to a bullet in my head. >Judge away Certainly, consider my presumption of your sincerity suspended. I should be glad if this thread turns 100 % clinical now, disacknowledging you as a person and considering you as a brain solely. That said, wouldn't that sound ocdish or whatever? (I ask other people, not op.) Having violent thoughts, only towards oneself. Though frankly, would they be towards oneself? This may just be violence-by-proxy, so to speak.

>>92966 Indeed, maybe acute sucidal thoughts have more in common with self-injury, originwise, than actual completion. Maybe longterm and impulsive "suicidality" is just convergent as regards the result. And then again, a persistent history of periodic impulses may or may not be viewed as longterm, in search of substrates. An image of an end that serves as an escape or as a comfort, or as a preventor, renderer-useless, of one's agency, is different from vivid imagination. It's a landscape with barely an axis common, since suicide is conceptually same as escape, comfort, rest, solution, reward, apology, message, social act, etc. Plenty of disparate naterial to cover. Sage, of course.

>>92967 Or, just as an end, of anything. Infinity of traits is imposing itself. One may take "tendency to think of / in things' terminations". Or "tendency to take the maximal solution available". Or "tendency to locate the answer to things within the boundaries of one's own body". Or "the tendency to hold an identity between one's agency and one's body". And that's not speaking of those traits' measurements. It's senseless, truly.

>>92964 Well if you decide to do it make sure no one get hurt mentally or physically

>>92977 Didn't he imply just the opposite? Public selfimmolations are mental hurt on purpose, no?

>>92978 Oh soykaf you right my fault

>>92979 Tbf he may not have. Maybe he just meant, idk. Offering himself for organs while they're young. Ok, I can't actually think of many nonrandom (so no saving people from random dangers), consistently available ways to die usefully without hurting someone.

>>92980 >>92979 >>92978 >>92977 I phrased it very poorly. I think the main reason I haven't acted on these feelings is because I'd hate to hurt anyone I love, especially her. She deserves my best and for that I owe her nothing less.

>>92992 Alright, so how about you declare your condition to be a paradoxical reaction / reverberation of the depth of your devotion to her ("I care so much about us -- what could go wrong -- what is the worst thing that could happen -- ..."), and stop annoying >>92952?

>>92946 >how did you repress them? You don't. You transform/channel them. I know the majority of people aren't interested in hermetics/occult/alchemy/deep psychology, so I'll spare you all the details. Instead of indulging in the ideas, you must investigate them solo, head on. Know thyself. If you manage to get a competent and reliable psychologist, you basically won the lottery 'cause that's rare. So, in my case, the worries that makes me feed suicidal thoughts from time to time are: >I don't want to die slowly with sickness and old age, depending on others >I don't want to be homeless >I don't want to have to work my financial life and career from scratch all over again if things go south >I don't want to go to jail >I don't want to get tortured >I don't want to be blackmailed or obligated to do horrible things by an external force So in my case it's about control. I know things are extremely unstable in the world, so it's "nice" to feed a morbid illusion of having control over your own life. I tried to off myself when I was 10. Couldn't pull the rusty trigger of the handgun that was probably unloaded, didn't knew how to operate it. I'm happy it didn't work out. In my case, my motivation was my bad grades and I didn't want to get horribly beat up again and psychologically tortured for months. Eventually, I became a teenager and rebelled. So my death drive was directed to the outside for a while, which helped a lot. I picked fights, practiced martial arts and so on, until this obsession with suicide started fading away. I felt legitimate adrenaline and true fear of getting killed, many times. That, in a way, "fixed" my instinct of survival, and now I only contemplate that possibility in fantasies of control, which I'm currently working on. All in all, I don't think suicide should be such a taboo matter. Everyone should have the right to decide about themselves and in all cases, painless death seems way more desirable than a whole existence of suffering. Not that I believe all existence is suffering, but everything has limits.

I had a close partner commit suicide because of me. I repeatedly assaulted my ex. I scarred a kid. I have this distinct moment when I was in that hole, fixated on my own shame and regret, where I was laying down in the shower, face right where the water was landing so the water could ride up my nose. It was hard to breathe but I don't think it was an attempt at suicide, more just a wish that I could just go away and never come back. I don't think I was capable of doing that to myself though. Honestly though, the wanting to die I've pretty much moved on from. The mistakes though, the people I hurt, that'll stay with me all my life. I'd hate to forget it, lest I make them again. The biggest insight I'll say is that you need to be able to choose to live on your own terms, nothing can make you live you're life. If you want to keep going, then go explore, wander, try new things as much as you can. If you have nothing, start picking things up until something sticks, one little step at a time, and eventually you'll realize what you were put on the Earth to do. I know you say your life is great, but in my experience, that dread is still the greater sense that you're missing something, or that somehow your life is not your own. If that's the case, then I say go out and start finding something new. Challenge yourself, discover, and you'll find what's yours.