Lonely feels

I have a sorrow I cannot communicate. It's not something I can share. None of my friends know. My family doesn't understand it. I have no support and nobody to share my grief with. I am utterly alone. I know I'll never be able to share the beauty of what I found and lost with anyone, because it cannot be understood by anyone else. I'm left with ashes sifting through my fingers. There is nothing I can do. When you lose someone, life goes on. It feels like the world doesn't care at all. But there's always someone out there who can understand what you've lost, who can fathom your pain. But not this time. I doubt there are more than a dozen people in the entire world who have truly known what I've known. I'm an outsider now. Fundamentally different from everyone else, and I know I'll carry these scars to my grave. Everything that ever mattered to me is gone. My only ideal I have failed irretrievably. By what principle then should I live, when all that I've chosen for myself has disappeared? Who am I when everything I've tried to be has long lost relevance? At the mercy of fate, which is far too cruel a master, I have been denied ownership of myself. If God exists, I cannot love him for what he has done.

there is always someone who is able to listen to your experiences and life. >Everything that ever mattered to me is gone Life goes on Lain yo need to step it up. Once you think there is nothing else to work for you always have the most important ourselves you need to build courage to create a fresh start there is always a way go back to your family

>I have a sorrow I cannot communicate. It's not something I can share And what exactly can you share? Everything you feel and experience cannot be put to words that can communicate itself to another human being in a way that other person can fully feel that you felt. In that respect, you are truly and utterly alone. Everything you say can only echo in others as empty words, maybe triggering in them something similar that you once felt or are feeling, but they can never feel the exact same thing as you do. Even if they can, there is no proof. >But there's always someone out there who can understand what you've lost, who can fathom your pain. But not this time. People can understand to a certain degree, yes, but understanding is not knowing or feeling. Whatever they understand, they are just putting themselves in the same situation, which doesn't mean they are automatically having an identical experience of your situation. Their own experiences in life, cognitive and emotional capacities differentiate from yours so they cannot fully understand. >I'm an outsider now. Fundamentally different from everyone else, and I know I'll carry these scars to my grave. Everyone is different if you take them as a culmination of biology and experience. You are no different. >Everything that ever mattered to me is gone. My only ideal I have failed irretrievably. By what principle then should I live, when all that I've chosen for myself has disappeared? Find another principle. Rebel against the situation! Rebel against your current self! Rebel against the life you are leading now and the life that awaits you in the future if you continue to have these thoughts! Get a grip of your thoughts and with them, your life. Nothing is over as long as you are breathing. Fight till you make yourself right. In any case, I don't want to sound mean or anything Lainon. Just take everything in your hands, have some courage and never give up just because everything shattered. Sometimes, it is a good to start from the beginning, to start building your life anew. Whatever you feel, know that only you can know this pain and with it you must endure till it goes away. Learn from it. Once it passes, you will have scars, but also something to reflect upon and learn from it.

i dont know if the right thing to say would be "congratulations". You have finally understood your inherent value in the universe. the realization of what you are has finally set in, and any illusion you may have seen has by its power been erased. you are paradoxically always alone, but only as alone as you make yourself. Perception is the essence of reality at this stage. changing your perception is now all that you can do. fate both is and is not a mere matter of choice, as hard as that may be to understand. your fate is a guaranteed death, your choices up to that point are what matters, at least upon this mortal plane. you will probably never be what you started out wanting to be, and even if you can realize your dreams, they will never bee what you expected them to be. there is no shame in this. in the end we are all just ashes blowing in the winds of the universe until your death, know that you have a choice, make something of your life, or do not make something of your life. you can find meaning in something as simple as watching the sun rising into the heavens, or as complex as the theories of the universe, or in conquering a mountain through physical strength alone. i dont know what your background is, but in different theologies, you have many routes. as an atheist, you could see the meaningless in everything, and decide to take any action you want without a consequence in the afterlife. as a wicca, you could allow yourself to gain power through your connection with the living world and its spirit. as judeochristian, you can find peace by kindness to others as a muslim, you can find meaning in submitting to god I could go on and on, the religion is not important. the mere adherence to a way of believing in the world is enough to guide ones actions towards a goal greater than oneself, that is what separates one from the common man as the character Siddhartha is told when he confronts the Buddha in hesse's book, there is a difference between reaching enlightenment, and living without suffering. to reach your own enlightenment is to live with peace, but in following a religion, you may find a way to exist despite all of your dread one thing that stood with me, was a quote made by a samurai: >If by setting one’s heart right every morning and evening, one is able to live as though his body were already dead, he pains freedom in the Way. His whole life will be without blame, and he will succeed in his calling. >People think that they can clear up profound matters if they consider them deeply, but they exercise perverse thoughts and come to no good because they do their reflecting with only selfinterest at the center. find your own peace op, otherwise you will die with regrets, once you accept your mortality, you can achieve anything you put your mind to

I've been left with a sort of horrifying clarity about the order of the world. I've been looking everywhere for some sort of philosophical framework I can place things in, but nothing fits. Nothing. I apparently have a worldview that has been ill-expressed. It is a horribly depressing view. You could call it a religion if you like, but it is a religion that promises no good. Only suffering, impotence, and broken dreams for all. Is it worth spreading, or should I just let naive people remain naive and be happy? In short, it's that this Universe has a purpose, that we were created for a purpose, and this purpose was built into us. However, this purpose is not for our benefit, it is for the creator's. Our happiness is incidental, like an AI maximizing an objective function. The ugly part is, because said purpose is inbuilt into us, we completely lose sight of how repulsive the purpose of the Universe is and end up worshiping it instead. I see the creator as a cosmic beast that created the universe to devour its prey (to us, the source of all "good"), using our existence to tear it into tiny little bite-sized shreds.

I am broken. Broken. Nobody will ever understand. God why. Why? The world is cruel enough. Thanks for the replies, they help some. I have chosen my meaning, may I find the strength to keep it always.

The time will come soon when I have forgotten what I had once wholeheartedly accepted into my soul. I will remember the words, but not the song. Knowing this, should I continue on and admit myself a mere slave of circumstance? Or should I refuse to take even one more step? There's no going back. I wish I could end it all, but even in death, I would not escape my failure. It's already gone.

Its not that you cant communicate it you just either never knew or accepted someone elses suffering. Your belief that no one can understand is ultimately a belief right? And its pretty arbitrary, you could just as easily believe that many suffer much more than you. But we do feel our emotions stronger than others usually. For better or worse I guarantee there is someone with a much better life than you that suffers much the same and equally. Its just whether you are going to believe in their suffering.

>>9455 You mentioned that you have been looking for a framework to place things in, but have you tried the more esoteric branches of philosophy? >I see the creator as a cosmic beast that created the universe to devour its prey (to us, the source of all "good"), using our existence to tear it into tiny little bite-sized shreds. What you describe here seems to adhere to the Gnostic depiction of the creator: the Demiurge, who is the sole creator and the malevolent ruler of the material world, who seeks to trap souls inside their material bodies. >>9250 Your writing is a telling depiction of a worldview both bleak and desolate, but I suppose this would be an understatement. Even if you cannot communicate your sorrow, perhaps you could describe what led you to such an outcome? Maybe it's inadequate to wash the pain away, but it might offer you solace to know that there are people out there who are ready to listen to your tale without judging you.

>>9250 I wish I had words that could make you feel better. Stay strong Lain.

>>10296 I appreciate the sentiment, but to say there is someone with out there with a better life, suffering the same... simply isn't true. >>10301 >have you tried the more esoteric branches of philosophy I have. Where Gnostics believe there is salvation in the spiritual world as opposed to the physical; that one can escape the will of the "Demiurge" (aka Creator); I hold that there is no escape. All of us will be destroyed, having attained salvation or not, having accepted your fate or being dragged to it kicking and screaming. Salvation is not for us. Salvation is for the creator's sole benefit. We eat and grow fat that we may bring happiness to our butcher, and call it "religion". I hate it. But to be honest, all this is tangential. >>10302 Thank you for your words anyways.

>>9250 Sounds harsh, Lain. There is no place to go but yourself. I hope you find the way out. I'll leave you with a little quote from one of my favourite philosophical texts. ''We are caught in the current and cannot return. We are tied up in knots like an old clogged drain; we are getting closer to death with no way to regain our youth. Joy and anger, sorrow and happiness, hope and fear, indecision and strength, humility and willfulness, enthusiasm and insolence, like music sounding from an empty reed or mushrooms rising from the warm dark earth, continually appear before us day and night. No one knows when they come.''

>>10312 >I have. Where Gnostics believe there is salvation in the spiritual world as opposed to the physical; that one can escape the will of the "Demiurge" (aka Creator); I hold that there is no escape. >All of us will be destroyed, having attained salvation or not, having accepted your fate or being dragged to it kicking and screaming. >Salvation is not for us. Salvation is for the creator's sole benefit. We eat and grow fat that we may bring happiness to our butcher, and call it "religion". I hate it. This is your view, i can understand why you feel that way, but i disagree, i have seen things can be different. There is a way out, maybe not even in this life, but i will not stop until i find out.

>>10312 The knife does not care who's flesh it cuts. The block does not discriminate which neck lays upon it. If it eats, it can be made to starve. I wonder what a self proclaimed god tastes like?

>>10318 >If it eats, it can be made to starve. >I wonder what a self proclaimed god tastes like? I like the way you put your thoughts into words. They are oozing with a rebellious sentiment, which, imo, is one of the most fitting ways for a human to go. Do everything in your power to defy those who seek to enslave you, and fight tooth and nail for every inch like everything depends on it. >>10312 >All of us will be destroyed, having attained salvation or not, having accepted your fate or being dragged to it kicking and screaming. I won't deny that there could be some truth to what you say - from a larger perspective (i.e. the eternal snake, ''all is one'' and so on). Nevertheless, it won't stop me from seeking out the road to home, and neither should it stop you, for what else is there left for us, after we've given up on all hope? Nothing but endless despair. It saddens me to know that there is nothing else I can offer you to ease your burden. May you find peace on your journey, Lain.

>>10312 why is what your saying more true. personally I wouldn't appreciate the sentiment, the fact that I know this only makes me feel worse. I'd be happier believing otherwise. There is a limit to suffering, and each time you suffer greater in my experience it doesn't feel any more than the last time you suffered, unless you choose to romanticize it. Not getting the soda I wanted as a child I suffered equally to things such as rape or general intense depression or loneliness, and fear. The suffering hasn't changed it's a universal feeling. It would be very strange if we didn't all suffer the same, what do you think that would say about our biology? We all suffer for different reasons, but I don't see why it would be more likely we do not all suffer the same. Your essentially saying for a magical reason your emotions are just "different". Not the balance of them or what causes them, but that you actually feel emotions differently.

>>10347 There are many kinds of suffering. I wish there were a limit on suffering, but there simply isn't. In that I don't understand you.

>>10347 >believing throwing a temper tantrum is equal to being sexually assaulted >fuarrrking waht

>>9455 Is this cosmic beast you've found the same as the alien god described here? https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/pLRogvJLPPg6Mrvg4/an-alien-god If so, you should read the rest of the sequences on that site. They have the framework you're looking for.

>>9250 I know this feel

lain, I want to tell you something. "god", or the universe, or whatever you want to call it(doesn't matter) exists. It is infinite and it is love, it is everything and it is love. It is the white light that people speak of after near-death experiences. You can be afraid of the light, because to experience love is to give up some of your self, become just part of a whole. Being afraid is Hell. Or you can surrender control and experience sublime bliss. Surrender is Heaven. This has applications to other things as well: when you love someone, you're giving up your self to become part of the relationship, getting a little drop of this infinite love which permeates human experience. When people say "open up to others" this is what they mean... letting your self get swept up in others, letting your self go. You can experience this again, I know. Nobody understands what you have gone through but you also don't understand what others have gone through. There are billions of people in this world and all of them have a story, all of them have a life that is just as varied and strange and sad as yours, perhaps in a different way. Love and light, lain.

I think I know your feel Lain, when I'm all done with my work for a day, nobody gives me a thought, they all pretend to care about me but once they are no longer forced to be around me, they just run off and do their own things, it kills me inside when I see them do that kind of stuff, I have very few friends, but they don't seem to give me all that much thought either, when I went on vacation for a week, not a single person sent me a message or communicated with me at all, it makes me feel like I have no worth as a person socially and only exist to work, I do have an E relationship with a girl who genuinely does care about me.... but she is literally as low as you can go without being homeless tier poor, and as that might imply, she often has her services shut off which can happen for up to half a year without her being able to communicate with me, with just her, it is really hard not to feel lonely, I try to communicate how I feel personally with her a lot, but I don't think she takes it very seriously, how can I ever not feel lonely?

>>10380 >>11144 I think one of you massively misconstrued what im saying but I made that post awhile ago and I will say my opinion has changed. On the basis that suffering is complex and I was thinking of a one dimensional emotional suffering. However I hold what I said about say, sadness, which is what I had in mind alone because what I was being short sighted. In that case the sadness felt from the first time you threw a temper tantrum and the first time you were raped (of which I experienced both), is ultimately the same (assuming at the time of each it was your saddest experience) and has a limit. The rape though includes a multitude of other emotions and trauma as well as the potential, as with any severely traumautic situation, to induce permanent brain chemistry changes and/or incur ptsd. In that sense the suffering is greater. I also was trying to factor out time. I was implying that we often assume a sadness to be greater because one we felt it for longer, and two it makes the last greatest sadness lesser because of desensitization. However because suffering isnt emotion per se, and more of an overall combination, the comparitive relations do in fact make it greater. So I agree with you guys now but I also think you missed my point, but I also think I misconstrued my point and also it isnt particularly relevant anymore.

>>9250 I guess I understand what you are saying. I think we all are fundamentally in the same situation, we are all alone. We are separated islands separated by an unfathomable dark sea. The representation we have of others is just a vague outline modified by our own desires and preconceptions. You are the whole universe, you have been thrown into the world with nothing but yourself.