/vent/

Previous: >>90946 I'll start, given that I have remade the thread. Why is everyone suddenly saying "bro" everywhere. Bro did this, bro did that, bro. Just bro as this generic term but with some weird loaded meaning. It's weird and uninspired. And that skull emoji in every youtube comment. fuarrrking goddamn bots NPCs and norm!e cattle. I guess they keep it interesting though, always changing up the scenery. Always something new going on in norm!e "sponge up and mindlessly repeat every new trend so I get my 3 1/3 seconds of cred" world.

what are you even complaining about? if you cant explain your problems to a third worlder and not sound like an idiot you shouldn't complain at all

>>92106 Oh my, I bet you have to carry water 5, no 10, maybe even 100 miles a day, in a jug on your head, just to survive. You have real problems to deal with. While you were going to hit post you were running from a lion and a jaguar and the last remaining African bear while eagles were descending upon you with sharp talons just to feed your family for another day. The humanity. shut the fuarrrk up, retard

>>92106 Sigh. Alright actually I'm gonna apologize, I shouldn't have called you a retard. I just don't agree with your mindset or reaction to my post. I would have put it amidst the other vent posts but the thread was full.

>>92107 what i'm saying is complaining about the word "bro" which been common vernacular for 40 years, or a stupid skull emoji, you sound like a whiny glitterboy to people who say, in mexico have to worry about getting clean water to drink which I do.

>>92109 I hope my verbal abuse motivates you by the way. Maybe it's like beating a dead horse, no idea. Can't do everything. Shrug.

Somewhere along the way I forgot just how bad things really are. It's like I had been so focused on trying to reorganize the deck chairs on the titanic that I genuinely forgot that it's sinking. Oh. Right. Oh no. I still kinda need to solve this deck chair thing, but soykaf man, that's not good. I'm a bit too mentally checked out to effectively ponder whether or not it's a good thing that I'm too dissociated to grapple with all that, but I'm going to keep working on those chairs. I'm going to die, huh? That's not good.

>>92106 maybe the reason those third worlders must deal with third world problems is because they cannot comprehend nor deal with first world ones

>>92113 I think he's just trolling tbqh,

Reposting from last thread. I feel sad that my first love can not be my last love. I feel like damaged goods.

>>92115 I want the same thing. What happened?

>>92116 Nothing happened. They had to move away.

>>92112 >I'm a bit too mentally checked out to effectively ponder whether or not it's a good thing that I'm too dissociated to grapple with all that You have no choice. You either keep working on those chairs hoping for the best or die. I'm also struggling not to let Evil taint the little good I've slowly managed to build

>>92118 yet you choose to remain behind?

>>92120 I can't. I have work to finish where I live.

i got a handjob from a girl but i fuarrrked it up by calling her mommy and now i feel so soykaf and my world feels so small. i cant stop thinking about her but she has a long distance boyfriend who sends her money i kind of despise her but she touched my dick

>>92121 Love is more important.

>>92123 >calling her mommy That'll be a yikes from me, Lain. Wow. Quite a mix of things going on there it seems. Just called my own mother a selfish bitch earlier btw. Re-L Mayer and Pino are apparently my mirror world fantasy for her psychological development.

>>92126 yeah my ex gf loved when i called her mommy so i kind of forgot that not every girl likes that. im 22 so i need to stop doing that ASAP >Quite a mix of things going on there it seems yep she is just super mentally ill and it seems i was her next target. i cant stop thinking about her tho she loves MDE and music that i like but she is truly crazy and covered in cuts

Do people who call their girlfriends mommy / vice versa have some deep back-seated incest fetish? Like imagine your mom having sex with a man while yelling out your name lol

>>92128 They probably process them as a soothing feminine caretaker, so the wires cross. Additionally you'd have things like enmeshment, parentification / spousification, autism / schizoid (difficulty bonding without perceived familial aspect, so they turn people into parents and siblings internally). In the case of the lattermost it would almost necessitate diminishing the barrier to incest-like thinking, if intimacy was desired. If intimacy was not desired it becomes a strong barrier.

>>92105 You have hypothyroidism.

>>92130 you don't need to overcomplicate it with the psychobabble. some women like calling their men daddy, lots of men like being called daddy. these things you reference imply that man in question isn't aware of and acting out whatever psychological rationales exist for the behavior, which is almost never the case. men (and women) who call their partner mommy usually do it with high deliberation and often because they are imagining and fetishizing the very "barrier to incest-like thinking", among other identities, in the first place.

He should have passed it off as a breeding fetish. >I'm going to make you a mommy and thus will address you as such.

two persons i made a deep connection with online, both dropped me deliberately. first ~1.5 years, no friends period ~year, second 65 days. what i noticed is that they complained a lot more than me, i almost don't and try to share the positive side of my life. even though i've been in depressive-like state the past few years. their complaints didn't annoy and i shared the sentiments. their last messages sounded like "good for you". am i an asshole? were they schizos? was attached strongly, and cried. were i not paying enough attention? were i constantly shifting the focus towards myself? a pathetic parasite entertaining himself by talking. i always smile when texting with someone. wanted to care about them.. did i really? doomed to stay alone. maybe this post would help me understand. now that i expressed into words.

>>92152 you need to get out more anon, the more people you meet and bond with the less it'll hurt when they disconnect for a while. also just because someone isn't currently responding does not mean theyre ghosting you necessarily, don't take it to heart

>>92153 >isn't currently responding can deal with that. BUT they both cut off completely and unambiguously. hard not to blame myself when this happens. the first literally said, "please don't text me anymore". the second silently deleted their [fake] account, no other way of contact, only through the frengen thread (not lainchan) but they probably won't go there once more. we even had the possibility of a meet up. can't accept, still hope they just got derezzed. yeah, the second time it didn't hurt as much. now gonna post in that frengen myself. to post or not to post, feeling that these problems aren't bad enough for me to be here, ha

>>92152 dude make friends in real life, everyone on the internet is a loser

>>92152 >what i noticed is that they complained a lot more than me, i almost don't and try to share the positive side of my life. As an undergrad student, I notice there is a strong culture of this with students. It's always "this and that teacher are so bad" and "this course has so many problems", but usually these are only minor problems, and the real problem are the students lack independence, and feel like they aren't being hand-held enough. I've come to believe that, in general, people find bonding over shared dislike to be the easiest way to connect, albeit it is quite shallow for various reasons. Consider how hating things is something extreme 'political' groups do a lot of; they may befriend each other, yet you cannot imagine such a foundation for a friendship succeeding in any hardship. But, this is what people find easiest. Like you, I also went along with it, though later down the track I begun to interject when I felt their disdain was completely unfair. And I wouldn't call any of those people my friend.

I have no respect for certain kinds of old people. I don't know how they got that old being so mean and bitter. My own grandparents were wonderful and I loved being around them as a kid, but as an adult I have had the worst experiences with the elderly compared to other groups of people. Maybe it's true that the good die young.

>>92162 It goes "only the good die young" not "all of the good die young"

>>92163 only the young die good

>>92163 I didn't say "all of the good die young"?

>>92121 Congratulations on abandoning existential companionship to achieve the title of Deadbeat Company's most Dedicated Wageslaver

>>92169 between food and sex it's wiser to choose food so i don't know why you pick with that poster.

to lainon@92089 of the previous /vent/ thread >>92089 >Usually a month or two for the depressive / inertia part and a week or two for the active "get my soykaf together" part. You can easily understand how it obviously fails before it can truly sediment into my personality/soul. Yes. Looking from the outside in: it's like you're doing a marathon, but instead of conserving your energy smartly over the long stretch, you'd do a sudden and dissipative spurt that lasts only about a few weeks, after which you've depleted the energy, lost all your enthusiasm and motivation for change, and thus you collapse exhausted mid-way on the marathon track. And as I stated before, a lasting change happens after about a month's worth of active reinforcement (at least in the case of habits; doing psychological deep work that touches on personality and strives for permanent change, on the other hand, takes years of work). Either way, the glaring issues to be dealt with are, in summary, that 1) you can't get over the two-week hill and reach beyond a month's worth of repetition in order to make the new changes (e.g. habits and attitudes) stick, 2) that, as per your own admission, the changes that you've tried to implement appear to you as superficial, and 3) that you can't (or won't) identify by self-reflection what the factors that insist on keeping you on this treadmill are (i.e., what is the nature of"the unconscious filter"). If we assume everything you say as being true, then there shouldn't be any real obstacles for why the root issue you're dealing with couldn't be overcome. I guess there are a lot of open questions still, like if the period after your ~2 weeks worth of trying is emotionally more like being exhausted, bored or becoming discouraged, or whether or not you've tried to just push beyond the ~2 weeks period, and how long you've managed to keep yourself going by sheer force before being reeled back into the depressive period, but I suspect we won't be getting into that any time soon - or, rather, that trying to solve that would be useless - until you've actually managed to identify the root issue, namely: >My thinking seems to stop when I reach the true reason for my repeated failures; I can't surpass the filter because I've (unconsciously) made it to be perfect and all knowing. If I had to guess, I'd say that >>or is there some part of you which clings to your old patterns of behaviour for some emotional reasons, like attachment, comfort of old habits, memories, or trying to shield you from fears and insecurities >while being so banal that I dread thinking about it, is the most likely possibility. If I find a "positive" system of belief, a constructive way of life, I suspect that I don' truly believe that it can be applied to my life (low self esteem? learn helplessness soo deep I resufe to believe I deserve or can be helped? I truly don't know). Anyway, let's maybe try to approach it from the angle you suggested here: >...the most productive course of action, at least to me, seems to be finding what is already meaningful, what about my personality is persistent, what constitutes "me". If I were able to find something to hold onto, a general direction, be it a meaning or something even more basic, that may be enough make the positive parts of the cycle above actually productive, eventually destroying the cycle itself. So, that gives us the two questions: >What might such an investigation look like? What school of thought, psychological or philosophical theory or whatever, could give me a theoretical framework around which to orbit? >How did you reach "thinking" as one of your primary function? What investigative process can be used to reach the "roots" of your personality? Well, if we take myself as an example, I'd have to say that I never fretted or was particularly concerned over what kind of a person I am (although I did have a sense that I was rather dumb, boisterous, fragile and emotional). In my childhood I had a few interests that occupied my mind most of the time, and as I got older some of those interests stayed while others morphed into different stuff. But I guess I never thought of myself as "being x kind of person" or "I tend to act y" with labels and everything. That came later when, in my early adulthood, I stumbled upon a few psychological writings that heavily relied on the psychodynamic theories of Jung, which has informed my intellectual framework of the psyche ever since. The ideas about inferior and superior functions as well as the basic temperaments or sorts of functions (thinking, sensing, feeling, intuitive, introverted and extroverted) just clicked for me. As for how I came to my adulthood sense of self, it was a combination of help from said intellectual framework, outside reinforcement and self-reflection. When I got out of high school, I really didn't know what I was good at, and so didn't know where to go next (sure, had interests, but lacked any psychological awareness of myself). I took an off-year and went to a prep school where they did a lot of theory, which, it turned out, I was somewhat good at, maybe because those interests I had in childhood related to using imagination, creativity, and abstractions (i.e., "thinking"). That was also the first time someone said to me that I was good at something face to face, which is the positive outside reinforcement at play. It was also around this time I became familiar with Jung, and when I did the MBTI personality test and got my results, with which I also identified very much. On top of all that, I was keeping a journal where I actively pondered the question what kind of a person I am. But I don't think there was any single momentous occasion from which on I "knew who I was". It was all of these things floating in the background and over the years coalescing into my current understanding and sense of self. Nevertheless, if I had to pick one, I'd say Carl Jung's psychodynamic theory was a huge help in figuring things out. >Do you have any suggestions / books / articles / anything that might help? Have you applied a similar system to your life or did you make it up for the sake of this discussion? Yes, this is actually something I've been formulating over the year in my desire to find an intuitive framework for how to think about habits, and to make it easier to think for myself how to break, reforge and replace some of them. As to the question of how this thought-scheme might be useful in analyzing the filter, I guess the only way I know how would be to try and be as aware as you can as you repeat the betterment cycle next time. If you can identify the triggers, then you can begin to ask why they are there, and if you get that far, then you've managed to uncover much of the nature of the whole filter. As for reading suggestions, I think the one helpful area of study that I could recommend is psychology. Sadly, the current meta in psychology is writing a fuarrrkton of research articles, so scouring the web for good articles that aren't pure academic gobbledygook, scattered over millions of articles or that won't require a lot of background knowledge is hard (that is, without going all out texbook-reading either). That's also the reason why I'm kind of hesitant to recommend anything. Anyway, the best I can do would be as follows. Carl Jung - Man and His Symbols Carl Jung - Transcendent Function <url=https://a-com.neocities.org/The%20Transcendent%20Function.pdf> Dan P. McAdams & Bradley D. Olson - Personality Development: Continuity and Change Over the Life Course <see: attachment> JACK J. BAUER, DAN P. MCADAMS and JENNIFER L. PALS - NARRATIVE IDENTITY AND EUDAIMONIC WELL-BEING <see: attachment> Avshalom Caspi, Brent W. Roberts, and Rebecca L. Shiner - PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT: Stability and Change <see: attachment> Kind of a mismash of stuff, but I believe these are a good start for further research into psychology. The articles deal with The Big Five (a modern competitor to MBTI), Narrative Identity, and a few principles on personality change.

Never date girls who cut themselves, go for the ones who put a fuarrrking bullet through their brain

>>92159 excerpts from that frengen: >"i expect that you live with parents and are not getting a job (i'll block you otherwise, no joke)" >"looking for a person to give me free money just because i am" >average interests: anime, games, consuming, procrastination, staring into wall, complaining, rotting, drugs, nothing sad. you're right i'm afraid. however i'm a loser too. i strive to improve. to escape this hell. on the other hand they don't even try. they don't even wish. that's the worst. the contentment. i've yet to meet, real life included, someone not making countless excuses to keep their status quo. i'm better at being a loser than they are. losers squared. 'kay my last post here.

>>92175 >i'm better at being a loser than they are lmao. that's gold. see ya a year later

>>92173 nta. so in the end, what did you do? i spent something like an hour parsing through your post and references and it makes no more sense than an llm response

quickest way to get me to hate an internet community is to delete my posts and ban me for expressing on-topic opinions the mods don't like it seems nowhere is safe from the mod menace (before you delete this post, i am complaining in general not about lainchan. unless you delete this post then feel free to interpret this post as against you because it is)

>>92105 this entire post sounds like a bot post in itself. something in my life doesnt work. im in the wrong house, under the wrong sky, i feel immensly alone and ambushed at the same time. im inbetween the lines and already at the background. i cannot detect myself in this vast space that is like kicking dead whales down the beach up my light, ever wondering if i ever had one. i just dont know anymore.

Every day is another disappointment, it is always like this, it never stops...

>>92105 I have spent the past eight years off most large websites (I use YouTube proxies) and mostly within the same group of friends (now down to one guy and a few acquaintances). I am fine with the emptiness in my life because, among other things, it prompts me to do more with myself rather than buy into the fluff of on-line interactions, but I am concerned that I am wasting my youth. I see people my age and younger getting up to so many interesting things because of the people they talk to, but to envision myself doing that with my one dumbass friend or a few old dudes I know from forums and chatrooms would be nonsensical. I know I need to kick my ass into high gear if I want to advance in life, but the possibility of my dedication taking the prime of my life to reach the level people get to in their teens is disenheartening. Also, I find it odd that most of the guys I know masturbate like retards. I don't get too into it with them for obvious reasons, but it seems like they all watch porn, grab their dicks, and slap their hands around for the sole purpose of reaching orgasm. You'd think more guys would do it slowly and properly, but no.

>>92210 At least you're not feeling like that well into your 30s...

>>92218 Yes, I am glad I have a good level of situational awareness when it comes to things like this. The great part of constantly being in your own head is that you have a lot of time to solve your reflexive problems in a self-socratic fashion; I've gone through the self-growth that most people would reach by their thirties nowadays, by my own estimation. That being said, I've spent a good chunk of my life in near solitude and I'm rather bored of having only myself as company. Talking to other people is really fun, especially new people.

I can't cross a road like a normal person. When cycling, all the others start crossing the road while I stay behind because I don't understand when I'm meant to go. I make cars wait for no reason, then go, then brake quickly as I decide it is the right moment to begin crossing. I make cars honk at me because of how confusing I am. Recently I've decided to start crossing confidently like all the other people do. I quickly failed at that as today I jaywalked on my cycle while cars were about to start driving, and one of them let out quite a lengthy honk. I feel guilty for making these people's lives harder. I feel so bad when they honk.

>>92238 You're supposed to get off the bike while crossing the road.

>>92238 where do you live? Are you aware of the traffic light color system (green means go to the people whom its facing, red means stop, etc)? Are you aware of pedestrian crossing signals ? >>92239 this is obviously not his problem and also it doesn't usually matter

>>92238 Then just park yourself right before and take your time to think about what you are going to do next. >>92239 Here bikes are vehicle and are expected to behave as one.

>>92105 >Go to anime convention with gen z ers >Me: Want to watch Gaki no Tsukai? >Them: no >Game Center CX? >No. >I have a couple terabytes of anime on my hard drive if you can't come up with anything >Nah man >Okay, then what do you want to do? >We're just going to look at phone games and play FNAF Jesus christ it was a rough time. A total waste of money.

>>92105 i feel like on the slave market with those workplace accounts, i have not found my place with the right community and i wonder if i ever get to experience that. but i feel there is something out there that speaks and waits for me, it is so difficult though to follow its track when i dont know what to look for

>6 hours work >4 hours studies >weekends are just studying >too broke to go out and have fun

>>92256 Finding the right community or friend group makes all the difference in the world and it legit comes down to mostly luck. fuarrrk.

>>92265 welcome to being a college student

>>92105 Can't find the post but somebody on lainchan posted a link to this article. https://hindenburgresearch.com/roblox/ I always knew Roblox was debauched and kids should not go there, but I didn't know how bad it was. I'm also surprised to discover that they lose a billion a year. Maybe I'm stupid, but a company that rides on mostly free labor, or cheap Asian labor if they have to, whose platform is an unrestricted Darwinian ecosystem to encourage impressionable kids to spend money on flipping a couple computer bits, somehow can't figure out how to make money. How the fuarrrk are they so retarded? This business model gives them so much leeway, they should have no problems raking in cash. I think they proved without a doubt that any value Roblox has is vapor, and lies, damn lies. But nearly a year after the publication, the stock price has tripled. Makes me feel sick. What a stupid world where companies can afford not to be profitable... it's not just Roblox, it's every social media.

>>92268 >welcome to being a college student after college it's just 10 hours of work plus weekends wasted on some bullshit and ultimately copious drinking

>>92267 ive tried, but i dont seem to belong anywhere. its like i am mute and submerged underwater and nothing gets in or out to me. everything is so distorted and i am unable to make myself seen and understood. but i dont understand it, because i feel i am supposed to move and be active in the world. i just dont know how.

i want to travel those places and i see their messages inbetween and i can draw the lines and i cannot unsee what is happening and i dont know what to make of it

I feel trapped. Everything I have tried has led me to the same place. I can do nothing but watch. I am too scared to kill myself.

Sometimes I get hit by this feeling that core to life above all else is this impending and genuine evil that transcends stupidity and doesn't just exploit it, but thrives in its awareness. People sin and they enjoy it, and then cry about the consequences. Conscious of their faults they hate a gaze that sees them at first glance, a mind that judges, and a world that reminds them of their flaws. But they keep on doing their absolute worst. This girl I was dating is very young, kindhearted and impossibly beautiful. I just found some videos of her getting railed by three old men at a party she worked as an escort for, after one of her bosses offered her a chance. She told me she just doesn't want to work.

I don't feel any sort of connection to my family anymore. What am I supposed to talk about with them? Even when my nieces visit after a long time, I don't feel any excitement because I don't know what to get excited about. If you have a person who has similar interests and taste then I understand how that would be exciting. But my family is just a bunch of people who don't have anything to do in life so they just cling onto each other and have supeficial interactions just to feel something, but underneath that is just void. I guess that's most of the population, I don't feel anything when interacting with people anymore, which I guess is somewhat good because it got rid of my anxiety completely.

>>92292 some connections arent about talking you're connected to them more closely than to anyone else whether you find them interesting or not

>>92293 You can't form connetions without talking, I didn't say it's just about talk.

1. All acts are determined. There is no room for self-originating acts. To see self-origination in something is only possible through not seeing that thing's determiners. 2. All acts are rational and optimal. Every act implies existence of an utility-function it maximizes. To call something irrational, is to judge it. Thus, given act A, and given a judgement B of A as irrational, both A and B are rational, in how they reflect their agents' optimal courses of action (towards something, and towards B, respectively). 3. All acts are evolved. To exist in the first place, a thing must have surpassed all its alternatives forms. The world is full of forms (genetic, memetic, behavioral) that either never happened, or happened and died out, on account of being subfit. 4. There is no mind-matter dichotomy. Mental models are matter-encoded acts. A mental model is merely a correspondence to reality within a carrier (a brain, a computer, a species). And conversely, all correspondences in nature are minds. The entity of "mind" is not special; in fact, it is near-universally common. For sake of freedom from misleading associations, the term "mind" should not be used. 5. Values are matter. To value something, is to consist of / contain a fitness function that prefers it. All judgements, all values, are fitness-evaluations. All evaluations are evolutionary; all evolution is a value (moral (success)) judgement. 6. All traits are present universally. Traits such as rationality or evolvedness are present in all interactions, incl. basic biological, chemical, physical ones. At certain scales, the theories' applications simply become less intuitive. 7. There is no theory-matter dichotomy. When we contemplate a model, of e.g. of how our bodies work, than that cerebral model is perfectly typologically equivalent to our bodies actually embodying it in terms of actual, physical behaviors, reactions, responses, in it. Both our bodies and our thoughts are evolved, caused, physically-embodied behaviors that bear correspondence to the world. Our bodies evolve to correspond; and so do our thoughts. Only the timescale (millions of years, versus years / seconds) differs. A body / a species is also a "mind" in its rational correspondence-bearing. 8. Math and philosophical notions are evolved and embodied. To regard those as existing in a idealist realm is wrong. Occurrence of math / phil thoughts in an organism is evolved (either an adaptation or a co-product of one) behavior. They tend to be uttered / communicated, in an evolved system for inter-organism signalling for coordinating survival. Math is the product of manifest utility of abstraction in real world. "Private" contemplation of those is inherently a mistaken notion. In the causally tied, materialist brain, every thought inevitably "leaks out" and engages with the world. There is no "pure theorizing". 9. All relationships are utility-causing models. Every perception as wrong, right, good, bad, correct, incorrect, same, different, is a model. Tendency for bodies to form thoughts of certain relationships upon exposure to certain stimuli is evolved. Society is evolutionary benefit of unifying perceptions of certain relationships in certain stimuli, together with binding such perceptions with certain acts upon the environment.

>>92301 >cant form connections without talking you dont need to form connections, they're your family, your blood. You already are connected. OK maybe you can't form a friendship without talking (debatable but OK), but this is a deeper and truer connection than that.

>>92304 I'm not trying to form connections with them, it should already be there, and if were we would be talking effortlessly because it's the most basic and necessary medium for connection. You got it the other way around. >your blood. You already are connected Ok then that type of "connection" is meaningless to me, if you think that's enough I have nothing else to add.

Did someone get butthurt over my fly genetics research post? Feels always annoying when you make an effort and on return looking for replies its gone. >>92303 >2. All acts are rational and optimal. A defect brain cannot be rational and mutations produce defects. >3. All acts are evolved. Evolved as an adaption to a past environment that often doesn't exist anymore. 70% of insects got killed by humans in a short span with pesticides that weren't even targeting them.

>>92306 >A defect brain cannot be rational By definition. That's a model-internal tautology. Without subjective external judgement, that brain's actions-as-they-are are always rational. Consideration of model-rationality presupposes selection of a rationality-judger out of an infinity of possible ones. And at this point, we are back to inherent-rationality and fitness; we always pick the best rationality-judger we have cognitive access to. >mutations produce defects Defects != irrationality. Unless you posit that any one intellect has a superior form, and it is in that sense that the inferior is "less rational" than the superior, but that is merely an inductive model-construct. Perhaps you can frame the situation as that from the mutation's point of view, its decision to occur was rational and informed. >Evolved as an adaption to a past environment that often doesn't exist anymore. Correct. Perhaps even NEVER exists anymore. Thanks for your input. PS. My initial post may be considered a vent. The topics it covered may certainly produce gripes, at least.

>>92306 PPS. >Feels always annoying when you make an effort and on return looking for replies its gone. Install a self-keylogger. I have one.

>>92306 >>92307 Also, you may argue that my framework of objectivizing every judgement, pointing out that it is subjective, renders itself meaningless. Because it always ends with the same result, rationality. Maybe. But I like some of its consequences. For one, trivially, it helps me remember that every judgement and communication bears an implicit model. This is everyday useful to me. But also, it seems to inherently adress (almost) all modelling in the first place (whether it addresses itself in this way, I am not sure). I.e. it explicitly accounts for occurrence of every single judgement and math structure / model, in form of an evolved adaptation. And this capacity of its seems to me a good candidate theory for atomization of the world. I.e., the notion that the reference concept in the world is the unitary human mind, is not plausible to me, because, for instance, it often shows "conflicting" drives. But if we shift the unit of choice, of impact, down to a single... well, let's call it affector, then human (and all) existence becomes just a battlefield of individual evolution-based affectors emerging (or not (or doing it to degrees)) and impacting events. A much clearer view, imo. Saging all the time, because this is all just my ventish fancies.

picrel quote made me cry. I feel... weird, or I just don't know how to explain it. Funny how I believe that Satoko, and Shion, and even Mion all absolutely deserve to be loved, maybe Keiichi too, and yet I tell myself I'm not. But if Rika-chan said it, I might believe her. I don't know why I have this belief that everyone deserves to be loved but not me. My inner child have always been trying to say "please don't leave me. please don't say i'm a burden. please just sit next to me and i won't talk if you don't want to, just please don't go." I'm tired of feeling like the one who had to hold everything together just to be loved. I grew up feeling that love was transactional, so I obsessively thought about fictional people (esp Shion, you guessed it) since they're the only ones who won't talk back when I fall apart. I don't know why I can't swear around Rena, I'm not scared of her at all, she's just too pure to be stained with my filth. So when Bern says "Even if the world does not forgive you, I will forgive you." I want to tell that she's wrong or that she rambled to herself, even though I cried and wanted to believe her, but part of me wanted to believe she meant it. I'm just tired of pretending being useful or hiding behind performance. I felt like I need to save everyone but not anymore. I just want to know that someone will still stay beside me if I couldn't even save myself. That's all.

>>92308 I dont care about losing my own posts, what I'm missing is seeing other peoples when threads get deleted before i return. That aside i would define rationality as the ability to choose correctly. You don't need to pass judgement, its enough to say some optimal choice exists regardless what it is, if you can chose and fail then you can be wrong and irrational.

>>92311 >I dont care about losing my own posts, what I'm missing is seeing other peoples when threads get deleted before i return. Ah whoops. Self-centered of me. >That aside i would define rationality as the ability to choose correctly. Fair, certainly. It just, in my eyes, raises the aforementioned question of metacorrectness of choosing the correct correctness-resolver for any one situation. As well as the arbitrariness of finding (or not finding) any two conceptions of correctness equivalent in the context of any one discussion. Somehow, the simple awareness -- relief, maybe - that I do not ever really "have" to choose such things -- because I WILL choose them anyway, and AM choosing them, infinite times every infinitesimal time, unvoluntarily -- comforts me, maybe. Cheers.

>>92312 Under free will, the question "what do I have for dinner" has the "answer" of whatever. In reality, there seems to be two separate choices, first of my mind forming and possibly resolving the thought, and the other, of my body getting some food, which may or may not have been affected by the thought. The thought-qa is distinct from the body-qa; the two reasonings are linked but wholly distinct. I have seen some unhappy people itt. Maybe this kind of thinking will help them regard themselves more physically, and thus, more operationally, more actionably. Though likely not. An inverted map is still of our familiar troubled world. There is a degree of dobleposting saging does not excuse. I shall take a break now.

>>92114 I'm always trolling, but I am never, ever, "just" trolling.

dont wanna blog too much here but im so lonely and everything feels hopeless. I don't even mean in the sense that I can't get girls but its to the point where even if im with a girl or someone I still feel so alone. I forget about it occasionally but then I see someone happy and am envious of how it must feel to genuinely enjoy life like that. I just cannot envision myself in a happy relationship. Reading it back it may sound incel-ish but thats not at all what I feel, its more that I lack the emotion for relationship rather than the desire. I want to experience love so bad but can't I think thats a symptom of larger issues though. My life is amazing but it feels so empty, its like im a shell of a person but also somehow succeeding. its amazing ive made it this far and am so high functioning despite my chronic feelings of emptiness and despair. I've always craved the night where I can be at peace and my sleep has been a mess over the years but ironically its when im working and on a real sleep schedule that I feel even worse - almost as if that night time pondering is what keeps me in touch with my true self. I really try my best to make myself better in hopes that I can overcome it but so far nothing. Im in the best shape of my life and damn near ripped now but the gym has become more of an avenue for my way to take out my spite for myself and in a sense "kill myself" through working to exhaustion. i'm 24 now and am aware that im getting older. people around me are beginning to get more serious about their life and marriage is around the corner. Im somehow the most serious among them yet furthest from progressing into the future with how soykaf I feel. Again I come across to my peers as the most put together, fun, sociable guy and am not even really pressured by that image but god damn my demons are eating me the second I feel I can let myself slip. anyway thanks for reading it out, feels good to vent this every once in a while

>>92338 You must come up with an objective measure of misery / hopelessness (which it is possible to do). I recently had a chat with ai about the paradox that the people (women) who declare themselves to be anxious and depressed, are also the ones who talk and laugh and party and socialize most. The ai entrenched itself on the party line that it is a "paradoxical coping" with feelings low self-esteem, rather than those people being full of soykaf / sympathy seeking. The conversation was going nowhere until I offered the distinction between self-reported and physiological (heartrate etc.) measures of anxiety, and asked whether being outgoing correlates with the latter. Turned out, perhaps not so much.

>>92339 >>92338 Note, I am not being dismissive. Just, say, hatred or fear seem a behaviorally distinct state. Fight and flight are extreme states. So if one claims one, say, hates oneself, then there ought to me some underlying chemical overlap, otherwise it is just harmless, effectless verbal commentary. Likewise if one asserts one is "trying hard", there should be some reward-loop (or reward-lack) quantities underlying that. Not juat to other people, but to yourself too you owe knowing if your words represent anything real. I am aware you mentioned sleep problems. That's an anchor.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

>>92347 Thank you for saving the day again, Captain Obvious.

>>92347 >NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON!!! That is correct. Ask and I may be able to answer. Just know: you may not like the answer.

>>92354 >That is correct. You mean incorrect*? Anyway, as a meta-commentary on this thread, isn't it kinda weird how different and all over the place this /vent/ is in comparison to the previous ones? Dunno, just thought it to be somewhat curious.

>>92356 >meta-commentary on this thread That would be meta-meta-commentary. 1. commentary = this thread 2. meta-commentary = commentary on this thread 3. meta-meta-commentary = meta-commentary on this thread = commentary on commentary on this thread Or does it work this way? "Meta" implies identity in all respects except for the most direct object, which is indicated by the meta- prefix itself. Maybe saying "meta-x on y" is a contradiction, because prefixation of x by "meta-" inherently renders it in conflict with any "...on y". That would mean that my comment is wrong, because logically, your addition of "...on this thread" couldn't have been a literal statement of the object of "commentary" (for it would be inconsistent with "meta-"), so instead it was just a bit of redundancy for readability.

>>92359 posts like these really tick me off because they distract from the highly interesting metacommentary

>>92364 do they, or do they... meta-tick you?

20250723 Wed 10:28 I find it dificult to start. And even more difficult to engage. Mind you; this only happens with computer stuff. Every thing involving programming is a steep Sisyphus uphill boulder roll. It is like my brain refuses, untamable chaos, constant Resistance : 80% fighting and 20% doing. It will do, anything and everything, but work. I hate it I cannot stand it. It deeply stresses and pains me, and I feel like software is not for me anymore, it doesn’t interest me anymore. Maybe I need a break from it? Maybe I need a personal project,; but even the project with the Visa company is halting because I cannot direct my brain into it. It is truly bothersome. I completely forgot about Ritalin but yesterday I was on a call with a friend and she mentioned the journal entry I made the last time I took it. I try body doubling on my usual website, and sure it can reduce the distractibility, but the friction is omnipresent. I end up making half assed work, semi-present focus that’s mostly clouded by the resistence. Not clouded, a tempest. Maybe I’ve hit a creative slump? Maybe I’ve just lost interest. Or maybe all I need is a very lengthy break and to dissociate. Maybe I need a different job. All of these do not solve it. I do identify some parts of me with the Puer archetype, and think that, regardless of the whys, one must keep fighting this resistence. I have no clue how. I wish I could tune my brain into it. I wish I could just push it in. How to deal with such a thing? I’m running out of ideas. I’ve asked chatgpt a countless times and it never gave me substance. I sometimes arrive at a focus state and I think YEA THIS IS IT. And I feel happy and satisfied, a big weight off my shoulders, finally. But the very next morning, all is lost and I’m back at square 0. And I used to have these states. My old self would alternate between weeks of being all-out and weeks of doing nothing. And I could feel when the transition from the nothing to the all-out. It comes fast and it hits fast and I stay locked in for weeks. Months. Until I burn out, bore out, and retreat. And so things repeat. And so, on some afternoons, I would feel the tension going down, and the excitement building up, a hint of the all-out phase. I get excited and cultivate it. Sometimes, very few times to be honest, I am walking back home but I cannot stop thinking about work, and just impatiently waiting for tomorrow to pick it up again, dive back in. Those times, when the office is some sort of time machine. A timeskip in OP lingo. That’s how I started describing it. An enjoyable, stimulating, and sometimes stressful, but very engaging, timeskip. I miss that. I want that. This slump is dragging for long, much much long. All of 2025 perhaps? The times I was interested, during this whole year so far, do not count as all-out episodes. What is happening? What is going on in my brain? Why is it doing this to me? Why is it refusing to comply? And how? How do I fix it? How do I nurture it? Feed it? Care for it? I am trying everything! I started doing all sorts of things outside of work. Since March, i’ve gone to great lengths. I gave it all that it wanted. I know that it wants to try all sorts of things. I bought nintendo consoles almost impulsively. Lego sets that I put together. Started journaling. Writing for a blog. Reading novels and such. Buying children magazines I used to read. Penpalling. Buying stamps and post cards and exchanging. Talking to randos on the internet. Many of them. Quit and back and quit and back alcohol and finally sort of cured myself of it. Bought a couple of nice couches and table for my living room. Heck I even done some drawing/painting. Went on vacation and swam a lot, walked under the sun a lot. Sweated a lot. But beside all of that, I still have this big void in my day. that goes from 8 to 5. A big void of boredom, mental chaos and especially fighting and fighting and fighting.

>>92356 >You mean incorrect*? Well, no. Check my name. >RE: your meta-commentary Hark! And let it be known: It just be the summer breeze. >>92359 No. You're not understanding the word "meta" -- prepending, or appending, meta doesn't make something "more meta" in that adding another layer to lasagna makes it anything more than just lasagna. There is more lasagna, but it's not more lasagna. Yes, I am using a food analogy -- Yes, this is intentional. "If you know, you know." Yes, I do understand metacognition, metaphysics, meta-etc. I also understand linguistics and so on. If you wanted to talk about things in the modern world, you *can* {ap,pre}pend "meta" to "meta" and it has a different meaning, but it would require the conversation to also be in discussion of a "post-post-modern" way, if you grok what I'm saying. >>92364 Ignore it and be free.

>>92390 >Well, no. Check my name. ah, lmao. didn't see that. I actually rarely look at the name tags here, since usually it's just noise :D >It just be the summer breeze. Sure, to an extent it's the annual migration thing-y as always at play, but this year's version is something quite else. no, wait, are these the 4chan refugees we got? >>92359 in regards to your use of the word "meta", what >>92390 said.

vent yourselves away. i am tired of you

>>92105 I was looking at a YouTube comment where the author said there's a difference between "bad" and "good" types of edgy, and it reminds me how depressing it is that people have almost completely internalized the notion of "words are harmful" and other forms of wrongspeak. I understand how the chain of causality works for these people: mental health is important + people saying disagreeable things gives me a headache => people saying disagreeable things is bad. It comes from a culture of complacency, people sucking up whatever is given to them. And I could go on for another few paragraphs explaining in scientific and philosophic detail why these people are wrong, but the depressing part is that most people are like this now. Everyone's personality is fixed into an approved set of language and thought restrictions. It seems the people that agree with me and, more importantly, live life according to said beliefs are in the minority now; that we are a collection of holdouts in a gay ass world. It's sad that a good chunk of the newer generations aren't going to have cool grandparents and parents to look up to. What did millenial grandpa do that was cool? Run a triatholon and put bacon on everything? What was gen z dad's personality? He looked at a phone, copied everything inside a screen, and became a facsimile for whatever current event or stream-of-thought there was, never developing a personality at odds with anything. He managed to fuarrrk and to make more kids because that isn't hard, but his body is hollow. Shit, it's so depressing it made me go into poetry.

>>92391 >Sure, to an extent it's the annual migration thing-y as always at play, but this year's version is something quite else. no, wait, are these the 4chan refugees we got? No, I mean that schools out.

>>92397 does calling out summer users work anymore? The young kids that were interested in 4chan grew up and became eternal tourists or went to other imageboards like this and it doesn't seem like teenagers are into 4chan anymore as it is. And regardless they can just use their smartphones at school to browse. It's like eternal summer 2.0

>read in a book about a character drinking vodka he had in the freezer >soundsgood >buy some gin >freeze it Oh boy wtf. If I die I love you.

For how much some people downplay the importance of early adolescent socializing and romantic encounters and the like, it seems that most people love talking about it whenever they get the chance.

>>92402 Adults on average are way lonelier than you think, why do you think Japanese media is so obsessed with highschool love stories? Because past adulthood their lives suck and it's easier to reminisce on the past with rose tinted glasses

>>92173 Real (external) life has been kicking me around, which is why I never replied. I just wanted to thank you and let you know I'm trying to read what you gave me and more. It's time for me to develope my own system, going as deep as I can, no matter of painful. Thank you again for your time and attention. If I find something meaningful, I'll talk about it.

>>92402 Not just downplay but sometimes even demonize it. Hell it has gotten so bad I saw a fuarrrking 16 year old girl say she is too young for a relationship with anyone instead of just saying she isn't interested in it at the moment. What kind of sick world is this that is constantly infantizing anyone under the age of 25? >>92403 Because school is usually either the best moment of their life or when everything went wrong and they wish they could do it over better.

>>92405 The fuarrrk? Seek professional help

>>92407 You are in no place, shape or time to recommend 'professional help' to anyone

>>92403 It isn't just the Japanese, it's most people you talk to. Even the weirdest normal user you'll speak to has had that experience and either looks fondly on it or bittersweetly. The Japanese just shamelessly appreciate the concept instead of dancing around it in creepy teen movies. Do they even make teen movies anymore? >>92405 >I saw a fuarrrking 16 year old girl say she is too young for a relationship with anyone instead of just saying she isn't interested in it at the moment. The girl is doing the girl thing by putting the onus of her not wanting to be in a relationship onto the current trend of not getting into relationships. Part of her knows she'll be seen as weird for not wanting to be in one, so she shunts the blame by effectively saying "well if everyone says I'm too young then I guess I am :)". Then again she could genuinely believe that and that would be great for her. I'm not European so I don't find it necessary for kids to run around fuarrrking each other.

>>92410 >I don't find it necessary for kids to run around fuarrrking each other Right. They should marry and have more kids.

>>92405 how do you not feel like a creep to talk on behalf of a 16 yo's decision not getting into a relationship, as if you are not the one infantilizing her capacity to reflect and name its reason.

>>92410 What's it called when you're banging a 15 year old, and you want to do that right thing because she's letting you hit on tap, so you ask her to be your gf, but then she says "no Sir, I don't want to be in a relationship, I'm just a kid", so you just keep raw dogging it for like 6 months until you change cities?

So need a cute girl So need a cute girl

>>92413 The problem is that the definition of a relationship in common vernacular has changed since the 90s. There are a million different tiktok slang words for a relationship, I think one of the more common ones now is a "situationship" which I think is most commonly used for people who just hookup with each other regularly, that many young people find themselves in. The idea of a relationship, especially in the United States, and USA aligned countries does not necessarily mean a romantic interaction between two people as in the past with things like courtship and shared experiences or potentially living arrangements. Teenagers are still sexually active, perhaps not as much as the early 2000s and late 90s (in the USA), and the average 18-20 year old girl has already slept with double digits of men according to one study I read It's hard to find data, because many researchers use median instead of mean, not to mention some of the research has a scope greater than the last 10 years. You can do your own research on this one. The difference here is that this girl you mention is likely not ready for commitment. While there are a number of people who are "not ready for relationships" they are still prone to sex-seeking behaviors or using apps. For example, someone can easily say they are 18+ on tinder and get attention from men, sometimes even with hidden motives. Sextortion scams are a serious problem. >>92414 This sounds like a few name users from 4ch who would talk about their seductions of teenagers, especially homeless ones. Sometimes for drugs, other times for money. I have also heard people on the internet say that they have found that providing vapes and alcohol to teenage girls is a fast way into their pants. This is the same generation that is afraid to talk to people IRL, or have a normal phone conversation with tech support, but will give some creep a blowie behind a dumpster to get weed or nicotine, or will crash parties with college kids for free booze. These people are often the same ones who will question their sexuality and say they aren't ready for a relationship because those are for old people. It's a hypocrisy born of mixed signals in social media and lack of parental guidance. Literally just bee yourself, with the added pressure of other girls calling you weird for not being ok with promiscuity. I have met women who said their parent's put them on birth control at like 14 because they were sexually active, which likely contributed to several of their problems as an adult 6 years later.

>>92413 because I used to be 16. We all did. What's the point of living if not to share our inputs based on our experiences? To shut up and be passive? That isn't living, that's called being Japanese. >>92414 I call that "American Syndrome" >>92417 It's abnormally hard to find a nice, chaste girl in these trying times. That being said, women my age are fuarrrking boring. The men are too; that's why I hang out around 30-50 somethings.

>>92418 >MILFs I see you are a man of culture. Women born in the 80s and 90s tend to be very nice imo, but they can be boring normees too. I think it's less about age specifically and more about generation. People born in the >2000s hit their childhood milestones with social media. There are not many who didn't experience childhood with a smart phone, and most of them were finishing high school or college in the middle of harsh COVID lockdowns. Give it 20 years, and I'm sure people will be better adjusted, if AI doesn't brainrot them all with kids born >2015 all growing up using chat GPT for everything from assignments to therapy, friendships, and medical advice.

>>92413 What a weird thing to say. I encouraged her to just own up to her own feelings instead of pushing it off to outside expectations. There is nothing wrong with that.

>>92413 That clearly isn't speaking on her behalf. Maybe you read it wrong. Saying ones own self is "too young" or "too old" is the same as saying the same applies to everyone of the same age which is just speaking on behalf of other people which is just stupid. People should talk about how they feel and what they want and need.

>>92419 >MILFS What "MILFS"? All my hobbies are extremely male dominated. I think I've talked to three women outside my family in the last two years. Each conversation I had was a good one, but still. > I think it's less about age specifically and more about generation. They're effectively one and the same. Naturally my knowledgebase is much more similar to the people's I hang around. Being around young gen Zers is legitimately tough. So many of them are just not there yet; I can never shake the feeling that I'm talking to an overgrown child. Then again they're having sex and finding love and I'm here banging out chars on my keyboard ruminating over the same unproductive sh!t I've been ruminative over since I had the chance to make things better. We'll see who I run into when my art selling starts off, but I'm not expecting much of anything.

>>92405 I don't see what's wrong with choosing not to focus on a relationship when we're in high school. That time could be better spent focusing on doing well in highschool to get into a good college so that we have a future for ourselves. Relationships are transient things that don't always last. People come and go. But our education does not.

>>92105 For one of my engineering classes we had to form a group of five for our project. There's about two thousands students in this course. I put out an ad to form a group specifically for non-LLM users. I thought it'd be a nice way to meet people who aren't lazy, who aren't going to drag me down, maybe have similar values and personality. Zero responses... I honestly thought it should bea 40/60 split and should've had people blasting through the wall at least to try ride our coattails. I was way too optimistic. I am sorry for our children who shall live in this forsaken world where nobody will know how to design a bridge unless they can use ChatGPT.

>>92423 Someone can do whatever they want but younger minds are better able to adapt and learn from experiences where some people by their 20s are more stubborn to learn on average and keep making same mistakes. Also the whole idea of centering your entire life focus around making money is not healthy. There is nothing that stops someone from just getting a higher paying job later in life. Why push it into teens when they don't even that kind of money? And face it many college graduates do not manage to pull a job related to their degree.

>>92404 Sad to hear about the life stuff. But I get it, and that's quite alright - you've got your priorities in order, which is good, right :D? But it's good to hear I could be of some assistance, and I'm positive you will overcome these issues this time around. And, if not, well, then "try again, fail again, but fail better", as the saying goes. You got this, lainon. P.S.: I wanted to share a little childhood story of Carl Jung which I've always found inspiring. Maybe it'll inspire you as well. "My twelfth year was indeed a fateful one for me. One day in the early summer of 1887 I was standing in the cathedral square, waiting for a classmate who went home by the same route as myself. It was twelve o'clock, and the morning classes were over. Suddenly another boy gave me a shove that knocked me off my feet. I fell, striking my head against the curbstone so hard that I almost lost consciousness. For about half an hour after-ward I was a little dazed. At the moment I felt the blow the thought flashed through my mind: "Now you won't have to go to school any more." I was only half unconscious, but I remained lying there a few moments longer than was strictly necessary, chiefly in order to avenge myself on my assailant. Then people picked me up and took me to a house nearby, where two elderly spinster aunts lived. From then on I began to have fainting spells whenever I had to return to school, and whenever my parents set me to doing my homework. For more than six months I stayed away from school, and for me that was a picnic. I was free, could dream for hours, be anywhere I liked, in the woods or by the water, or draw. I resumed my battle pictures and furious scenes of war, of old castles that were being assaulted or burned, or drew page upon page of caricatures. Similar caricatures some-times appear to me before falling asleep to this day, grinning masks that constantly move and change, among them familiar faces of people who soon afterward died. Above all, I was able to plunge into the world of the mysterious. To that realm belonged trees, a pool, the swamp, stones and animals, and my father's library. But I was growing more and more away from the world, and had all the while faint pangs of conscience. I frittered away my time with loafing, collecting, reading, and playing. But I did not feel any happier for it; I had the obscure feeling that I was fleeing from myself. I forgot completely how all this had come about, but I pitied my parents' worries. They consulted various doctors, who scratched their heads and packed me off to spend the holidays with relatives in Winterthur. This city had a railroad station that proved a source of endless delight to me. But when I returned home everything was as before. One doctor thought I had epilepsy. I knew what epileptic fits were like and I inwardly laughed at such nonsense. My parents became more worried than ever. Then one day a friend called on my father. They were sitting in the garden and I hid behind a shrub, for I was possessed of an insatiable curiosity. I heard the visitor saying to my father, "And how is your son?" "Ah, that's a sad business," my father replied. "The doctors no longer know what is wrong with him. They think it may be epilepsy. It would be dreadful if he were incurable. I have lost what little I had, and what will become of the boy if he cannot earn his own living?" I was thunderstruck. This was the collision with reality. "Why, then, I must get to work!" I thought suddenly. From that moment on I became a serious child. I crept away, went to my father's study, took out my Latin grammar, and began to cram with intense concentration. After ten minutes of this I had the finest of fainting fits. I almost fell off the chair, but after a few minutes I felt better and went on working. "Devil take it, I'm not going to faint," I told myself, and persisted in my purpose. This time it took about fifteen minutes before the second attack came. That, too, passed like the first. "And now you must really get to work!" I stuck it out, and after an hour came the third attack. Still I did not give up, and worked for another hour, until I had the feeling that I had overcome the attacks. Suddenly I felt better than I had in all the months before. And in fact the attacks did not recur. From that day on I worked over my grammar and other schoolbooks every day. A few weeks later I returned to school, and never suffered another attack, even there. The whole bag of tricks was over and done with! That was when I learned what a neurosis is."

>>92423 In the grand scheme of things the most lasting effect that most people will achieve on the world is their children and grandchildren. Education can be important, but in HS its often trivially easy. Even if you don't believe in the longevity or the fruitfulness of most HS relationships you can even spin it as an education of itself. I've met a fair number of nerds who wish they'd had, or even tried to have a hs gf, and basically zero (hmm maybe actually zero) who wish they tried harder in highschool.

>>92423 doing well in high school isn't that important. Doing well in college isn't either if you don't have relationships to make a lot of things worth your time. "Focusing on myself" is a farce. >Relationships are transient things that don't always last. I'm sure more people remember their high school sweetheart more than they do Calculus 1. >But our education does not. Education at that point becomes a leisure activity. Being highly educated myself I'd argue that setting up a good, longtime relationship in your youth is more important if you aren't an autist. There's a million ways to make money, so focusing really hard on education for that is basically an excuse.

I didn't even go to high school but I still went to college. I wish I could have found love. It's the one thing I've always wanted, but it will never happen.

>>92429 I didn't go to high school or college my lover is on her second semester right now

>>92430 congragulations I hope she's female

>>92424 >wanting to not take the easy route for school? there's your problem lain. Some kids may not even know that ChatGPT is a LLM, Most of them think of it as AI anyway, so you might say "AI free study group" to attract more people. >>92423 to be honest I didn't focus on relationships for exactly this reason, but in the long run, it wouldn't have made a difference either way if I had dated the girl who confessed her feelings to me. The human connections I did have are all gone now, and I'm a shut in outside work. Sure relationships are transient, but they become increasingly difficult to form outside of social institutions later. At this point my options for socializing are going to bars/clubs where I have to mingle with 20 year olds who like to party, use apps, or go to social gatherings where I have little in common with those people outside that one autistic activity. Not to mention that in the professional world, there are ethics codes and other restrictions on dating people you are around. While school is basically an institutionalized prison for children at this point, there is nothing wrong with having people you love or care about. Especially where there is no financial incentive to be with someone like most post-teenage relationships. I am not advocating for risky behaviors or saying that teen pregnancy isn't a problem, but you don't have to immediately have sex to be BF/GF, despite how controversial this concept may be. >>92428 >I'm sure more people remember their high school sweetheart more than they do Calculus 1. Why must you hurt me so if this weren't the case, I would not have had to struggle through all those math classes

>>92432 >there's your problem lain. You are just as the common rabble yourself. If I was doing something dumb like business or marketing where their careers are inconsequential, I wouldn't care, because it makes no difference either way how these people do things. But these aren't sararimen, these are future engineers. You say it's my problem for standing on principle? Sure then; everyone else is correct to cheat and lie their way into their careers. When the hydroelectric dam runs into a strange problem, or they can't be bothered to think about how to design the new bridge, they will 'just ask GPT bro'.

>>92435 you think too highly of the common engineer

>>92425 >Someone can do whatever they want but younger minds are better able to adapt and learn from experiences where some people by their 20s are more stubborn to learn on average and keep making same mistakes. Also the whole idea of centering your entire life focus around making money is not healthy. There is nothing that stops someone from just getting a higher paying job later in life. Why push it into teens when they don't even that kind of money? And face it many college graduates do not manage to pull a job related to their degree. It's not about making money - it's about being able to sustain yourself and hold your own. It's not that it's not possible to do things in your late 20's, but rather it's easier to do when you are young and have energy. Also, it's better to learn the core foundation of your degree while your brain is still developing. Also, As you get older, your body starts to break down. I've talked to many people in their thirty's (I am in uni,) and they tell me about how they wish they had done things while they were young - because managing all that crap with a family/work and other things is rather rough. Again, it's not that it's impossible, but rather that it's more difficult. >>92427 >In the grand scheme of things the most lasting effect that most people will achieve on the world is their children and grandchildren. Why does that matter? Can't you think of what kind of world you would be bringing a child into? or the difficulities that they may face? >>92428 >doing well in high school isn't that important. Doing well in college isn't either if you don't have relationships to make a lot of things worth your time. "Focusing on myself" is a farce. What makes a relationship make things worth your time? >I'd argue that setting up a good, longtime relationship in your youth is more important if you aren't an autist. I remember someone who I talked to - their lover just left them after a 10 year relationship - simply stating that they were bored. What's the point in going through with the hassle when all of that time can become nothing in an instant? >>92429 Better to have not found love than to have found love with the wrong person and ended up in a soykafty situation. >go to social gatherings where I have little in common with those people outside that one autistic activity. Are you sure there aren't other options? Think about where people like you might conglomerate. Think about the places you would like to be.

>>92441 > It's not about making money - it's about being able to sustain yourself and hold your own. It's not that it's not possible to do things in your late 20's, but rather it's easier to do when you are young and have energy. Also, it's better to learn the core foundation of your degree while your brain is still developing. Also, As you get older, your body starts to break down. I've talked to many people in their thirty's (I am in uni,) and they tell me about how they wish they had done things while they were young - because managing all that crap with a family/work and other things is rather rough. Again, it's not that it's impossible, but rather that it's more difficult. But people change their minds all the time. I've literally never heard of someone who had their grades tank because they were in a romantic or sexual relationship even during a breakup. Also not like friendships are any different. Besides education should be about general knowledge for learning how to learn going into debt focusing on specific trades. Though I am against hookup culture so I am not saying people should be sleeping around with strangers when young or any age. I'm not sure your point since your body breaking down is a good argument for why people should be able to experience different relationships more than it supports spending all their time in the books living in their head. What guy wants to have his first relationship once he develops erectile dysfunction and has too bad a back to have sex? What girl wants her first time with her dry as a desert from menopause? Who wants to have their first dates be limited to sitting down places at a restaurant or cinema or home because their body is too worn to do other fun physical activities? Shouldn't someone develop their physical strength and coordination when young and maintain it not wait till they are older ?

>>92442 >But people change their minds all the time. I've literally never heard of someone who had their grades tank because they were in a romantic or sexual relationship even during a breakup. I've read that the physical effects of heartbreak were similar to that of a hard drug withdrawal. Plus, when you're properly in love with someone, they take up at least 50% of your thoughts. I'd be surprised if someone's work/school performance hadn't been affected by a relationship. >debt What about euro users? I don't think you can necessarily assume that all college will lead to debt. Again, that's why you focus on performing well well so that you can get scholarships and make it easier to get funding. Plus, many colleges in the United States have free tuition for people under a certain income. If you play your cards right, you can graduate without debt. >erectile dysfunction Lainon, assuming you do college young, you most certainly aren't going to be having erectile dysfunction around 22-25 years old.

>>92441 >What's the point in going through with the hassle when all of that time can become nothing in an instant? Most likely it was not in an instant, but there were signs that were missed leading up to this. I don't know for sure; at any rate it's better that the relationship ended, because she was obviously an immoral person. Now, why spend time on anything when it can become nothing in an instant? Why bother living if you might die next week? Why bother going to work if you will probably be fired eventually? Why buy a car if it could get into an accident tomorrow? I ask this: why deny something because you may lose it? In either case, you will come to not have it; in the first, you did at one stage, in the other you never did. Why bother with relationships? Because you could find that one to stay with all your life. And even if it doesn't turn out so, it was alright during that time anyway. It's not like that instant at the end of the relationship should totally tarnish the ten years prior to that point.

>>92444 >Why bother going to work if you will probably be fired eventually? You are required to go to work to sustain yourself. A relationship is not required nor necessary for basic survival. It is a bonus. >Why buy a car if it could get into an accident tomorrow? Again, excluding places where public transport is easily accessible, a car is a bare necessity to make life easier. >Now, why spend time on anything when it can become nothing in an instant? Why bother living if you might die next week? "Why spend time on anything" If we're talking like something physical or tangible, like a painting, a house, or something else like that, I suppose that there is something that occurs in the process of creation. An expression of unbridled creativity and originality. Again, we appreciate what occurs in the process regardless of what the outcome is. Even if loss occurs and regardless of the time that has been spent, there are things ultimately added to our life and there is a net gain. But, in the case of relationships, another human is involved - a human who has thoughts and feelings. In each relationship, a part of ourselves is given away to that person that can not be gotten back and vice versa. And humans are individual actors - actors who can lie, cheat, and steal. People who may betray our trust. People who may abuse us. Vipers can conceal themselves skillfully for years to come, and we might be blind to them. Our innocence is lost. A relationship ultimately nets loss. I guess in the context of living, one can continue to live to appreciate one moment to the next even if it is ultimately fleeting. But living is the default and original state of a human. It requires one to do nothing to live. To die is to take action. A relationship adds to that default state. You must take action to get into a relationship. >Because you could find that one to stay with all your life. Isn't that just emotional gambling but with more risks?

Wizchan pretty much became this after I tried reporting some thread spammers: https://youtu.be/t_AG5Y6Jfog?si=ppmQBroK5xovT7HE Wholesome times all around..

>>92441 >What makes a relationship make things worth your time? You learn how to be with other people and grow in ways people typically don't when alone >What's the point in going through with the hassle when all of that time can become nothing in an instant? On the premise that you choose a good woman and that wont happen. Education becomes a big nothing after you graduate and you realize no one cares about the time, stress, and money you spent on getting that education. You'll still start at the bottom of wherever you decide to go to.

I'm deeply afraid of developing schizophrenia, I recently started being able to recall stuff from my last psychotic episode and it was all scaringly realistic. I kept talking to random people in the street as if they were people that I already met, their faces were getting morphed to look like people I've already known, when I got sent to the mental hospital they gave me a small urine jar and I mistakened it for a vase, some guy told me that I tried to strangle him at the mental hospital and so on. Most of those went on to be forgotten the second I woke up from it but now that I'm getting some small throwbacks and seeing how real it looked to me it's all I can think about. I always thought that there are some small wave-ish movements to hallucinations or at least something to point out that what you're seeing is bullshit but getting a first-hand experience of what it's like to have hallucinations is probably the scariest thing I've ever witnessed in my life. Every time I stare into the void without thinking of anything I mistaken it as early schizophrenia and it happens with everything that seems "off" in my life

>>92447 >You learn how to be with other people and grow in ways people typically don't when alone You can do this through other activities, though, like group volunteering. >On the premise that you choose a good woman and that wont happen. Education becomes a big nothing after you graduate and you realize no one cares about the time, stress, and money you spent on getting that education. You'll still start at the bottom of wherever you decide to go to. How do you define a "good woman"? A person can hide their true selves for years to come. Even if you start at the bottom, you still are opened to opportunities you would not have without a bachelor's degree. Someone with just a highschool diploma can't just start entry level engineering work. >>92452 >I'm deeply afraid of developing schizophrenia Just remember that schizophrenia involves a lack of awareness -- "alogia." If you have fears that you are developing schizophrenia, then that is a good sign because it means you are aware.

>>92453 "alogia" - let me correct myself, the term I was meaning was anosognosia

>>92435 If English isn't your first language, I apologize. That was sarcasm. I have had that exact conversation with engineering students who would pay people to write papers and use chatGPT. It may seem inconsequential to them, but they seemed shocked when I explained that they will be given basic tasks that will form the underlying foundation of infrastructure, and inevitably are life-or-death problems, that they can't just cheat their way out of. Granted some of these people were foreign exchange students who were just in the USA for a degree so they could go back to their soykafhole 3rd world countries and perpetuate the corruption, they were getting entry level positions in local fields like infrastructure. If you ever wonder why the transportation system is ghey and construction projects are always barely functioning, this is your answer. Kids with a superiority complex because they are "Engineers" trying to fake it until they make it because they faked it through school, which is designed to test you through trial and error so you actually learn from your mistakes and don't make them in the real world.

Have you guys ever found your people? How? If I can't find or make meaningful authentic relationships with people who truly understand me in the next year or so I will KMS.

>>92458 Not people but person. Do what you love and let relationships unfold of their own accord. Think about the kind of places where people like you would want to hang out. Do naught but kill yourself. If you kill yourself, then there shall be no opportunities at all to have meaningful connections.

>>92453 >You can do this through other activities, though, like group volunteering. Sorry, but it's completely asinine to think that group volunteering interactions are the same as the interactions you have in a deep relationship. That's a really far stretch. >How do you define a "good woman"? That's not for me to answer, for my answer would be mine and not yours. >Even if you start at the bottom, you still are opened to opportunities you would not have without a bachelor's degree. It's less open than you think, especially so if you run your own business. >Someone with just a highschool diploma can't just start entry level engineering work Yes, but in that field you'll be making soykaf pay for a long time.

do autistic people know they're autistic? decades have gone by, and i sort of just realised i've never been able to sustain any sort of relationship. i'm at the age that any floundering attempt is just cringe now. the boat's sailed. i don't think i even have the capacity. what's more, i sort of realised i hate people (in a impersonal way) and myself. the latter's not new, but i think humanity is just sad. i like animals. most of them are beautiful. but all of humanity is ugly. i think it's more a problem with me, but i don't know how to fix it. i think i might be a miserable autist, and i'm tired

>>92476 >interactions are the same as the interactions you have in a deep relationship. What might those interactions look like? How do they compare? I can see what you mean, though. >That's not for me to answer, for my answer would be mine and not yours. I see. I'm rather curious to hear what you think. >It's less open than you think, especially so if you run your own business. Elaborate on this. >Yes, but in that field you'll be making soykaf pay for a long time. Fair point. >>92476 I would think it depends on where you are in the spectrum. What makes you think an attempt is floundering? Maybe, it's because you haven't found the right person/people, yet.

i've come to realize the head and the inner voice are good for absolutely nothing other than maybe laying out problems verbally and recapitulating on them. and even then they feel like a worse version of our instinctive image vision. even for conversation the act of communicating is almost wholly unconscious, words leave you, they're acquired through exposure to language and ideas. considering the largely chaotic and unpredictable nature of our universe and our lives it feels like mind words only serve to torture us, like worms burrowing deeper and slowly from our scalp into our brain and through our spine to our soul, and maybe to be wary and conscious of the actual evil possible and actionable by others: when the mind speaks of alien evil it is most often right but it seems to lose its meaning once this parasite achieves the realization that our species is a collection of doomed hedonistic apes. everything after that, even when quelled through meditation and noise, is torture. anyways off that tangent into the main point it seems to me that conscious instead of instinctive understanding of things is worthless. rather than laying things out in words it's better to think about everything as axioms and move instinctively while correcting mistakes, no? words explain but only masters do and keep doing

>>92479 then just dont hallucinate words bro

>>92478 >What might those interactions look like? How do they compare? I can see what you mean, though. That's for you to figure out. And inb4 "well if you can't tell me excatly what I'm suppoesd to be looking for then it doesn't exist" If everyone's telling you something they can't all be wrong and it'd be delusionally presumptuous for you to think so. No one's telling you to go out and get STDs from random whores, so don't exaggerate my point either. >I see. I'm rather curious to hear what you think. It's a personal question I'm not going to answer here. >Elaborate on this. People want you to train for years even after getting a degree somewhere and then you won't find people to hire you until you have certifications and whatnots. You'd be better off joining a business where you can train longterm instead of wasting your time in college. College is a great time if you know what to make of it; I didn't so I tend to not see it too favorably.

>looks at the early life of well-accomplished people >dad was a prominent laywer >mom owned a bank >parents were fuarrrking multi-millionares >etc. etc. >looks at the early life of serial killers, mass shooters, spree killers, etc. >abusive father >abusive father >abusive father >abusive father >on and on Is my life already settled?

>>92481 >That's for you to figure out. And inb4 "well if you can't tell me exactly what I'm supposed to be looking for then it doesn't exist" If everyone's telling you something they can't all be wrong and it'd be delusionally presumptuous for you to think so. No one's telling you to go out and get STDs from random whores, so don't exaggerate my point either. That's such a non-answer. >You'd be better off joining a business where you can train longterm instead of wasting your time in college. College is a great time if you know what to make of it; I didn't so I tend to not see it too favorably. I know someone who works in a company, who worked their way up - they told me about how they were hounded for their lack of degree in their job search. But they also constantly mention that they are at threat of needing to go back and get a degree.

I met a friend/ex I hadnt seen in 3 years and we had a great time but it broke me for some reason. When she first stopped talking to me 3 years ago, which I discovered through her I remembered incorrectly and I played as much a part in as she (she had receipts) I became an alcoholic, leaned heavily into a new relationship I wasnt happy in, and by the time I ceased being an alcoholic I had buried it all in my subconscious. She "ruined" me and id had to pick myself up and somehow I had and didnt need anybody anymore and didnt feel and was perfect. In reality some of the last words id said to her were "I hate you and I hope you die" and my actual last words awhile later were something like "your never there for me your a horrible friend". It really rattled me, I even told her that it didnt sound like something I would say. When we split up though after our reconnecting finally I remembered why, intense pain as soon as I got in the car home. Even though everything went great and we laughed together and had fun and I spent the night just as friends. I couldnt take it I was sobbing and I couldnt eat and I tried going out with my friends and I hated all of them I tried to text her to come out while I was with my other friends. This is "why" I used to get so angry at her when shed go home with another guy even though we werent dating, or when she wouldnt reach out to me. But its not really why, we had known eachother for 7 years and only dated a few months. I used to pin it to im just such a hopeless romantic and she was "the one" and my one didnt love me back but now that im of sober mind I can see the truth of it all. When I think about what im feeling after we hangout its identical to my depression, and when I think about when I first felt my depression its when my older cousin who lived right next to us was "taken" from me. My mom had depression and she was my escape, I did everything with her and when I was by myself Id rest easy knowing the things i did idget to show her or tell her about later. Thats the big piece, and its why I feel such a depression after hanging out with this friend, and why I dont like my other friends when shes not around. She was just one in a long chain of people I ended up projecting my cousin on to, this "big buddy" complex, and when id get to be alone or feel like I couldnt reach her id stop knowing what I wanted to do, what I liked, and who I liked, because she wasnt there to see me and give feedback. When my cousin left when I was around 12 after wed grown up together that whole time thats how I felt to, all the games I used to enjoy playing by myself hurt to play suddenly because I wasnt going to get to show her the progress I made. All of my little drawings, i stopped making friends because I wouldnt be able to tell her about them and what we do. I honestly think even the most self motivated person has this drive but it becomes a fixture of themselves when provided by a secure parent, and eventually they dont need that parent to see everything to feel validated. But for whatever reason my mom didnt or couldnt provide that. My cousin became the proxy, and then she had to move away. The internet became for me what drugs would become later, online I could find the set of eyes to validate me and see me. I still clearly do to this day and thats why I post here, its never been a subsitute to me for the real thing but it does the trick. Once I went off to college and I met her though, my friend, I remember it all stopped. We went on adventures and played just like I did with my cousin but just in an adult way, and she would love me and hold me and that was all it took for me to project this pair of eyes on to her. It could have been anyone, it isnt her fault. The minute she wasnt there she could no longer live up to it, because my cousin was ALWAYS there. And id lash out at her, something had made me horrifically sad and I was in pain and all I knew was it had something to do with her. In my brain this formed as "she doesnt love you, if she loved you shed always want to be around you like you do with her". But thats a childhood fantasy, and even if we were to get married I know and I knew this even then; it wouldnt be the thing im looking for anymore. In later relationships this would happen, it cant stay an adventure of fun and play together you eventually just become secure in one another and ive lived that for 5 years and it was great (it just was the wrong person). It hurts because knowing all this doesnt help me feel any better, what now? Its weird because I had felt numbed and dead for the 3 years weve been apart, I remember wishing to feel like this again. This emptiness inside used to drive me to do things im proud of actually, i knew if I agreed to meet up with her again it would all come flooding back. And it did, im human again. Its just sort of like an acid trip where you think your ready and you still arent. I forgot how that empty feeling I took for loneliness feels. The one thing it does help is how I respond, I know now I cant put it all on her cause its not on her. It really could have been anyone, and it had been anyone, she wasnt the first I projected this sort of thing on to. I did before with someone who took advantage of it before her, and I remember being upset that she wouldnt do the same. She has plenty of anger and fire in her ive seen it and she never directed it at me even when I wanted it because I just wanted any attention or feedback from her. I want the feeling to go away because I dont want to spend all my time alone thinking about her, but thats because im scared it means il mess it up, and its also because im misplacing it on her. Because I dont know who I am, I dont fully have an internalized voice that can be happy with itself when I get something done. But I do have the beginnings of one, its highly susceptible though. After we hung out a myriad of things she mentioned such as she was upset about weight shes gained transferred to me, i stopped eating almost entirely for the 3 days that followed till I realized what I was doing. I say this just to illustrate the nature of this thing, in the absence of a strong internal voice that can dish out approval and disapproval it will latch on to anything from someone we look up to. A last note, something that helped me realize all this was for once I stopped thinking only about myself in isolation and thought of her. Why did we stay friends for so long at all through all this rockiness, what did she get out of me. For awhile in my sad boohoo state id say she just pitied me or felt bad for me, but when we met up this last time I noticed she had a friend a lot like me. They got into a big argument right in front of me that was just like the ones wed get into. She told me she loves him but not like that, and hes ruining it by trying to be romantic with her when shes not attracted to him at all (they never even dated). That she has a lot of fun with him but after when he goes home he gets drunk and rages at her. I said "that sounds familiar im sorry" and we both laughed. I didnt think much of it at the time but later I started to get paranoid about me being replaced, but my greater voice kicked in and thought "why would I even need to be replaced". I remembered then she has a little sibling, a little sister but shes a lot more like a little brother very boyish. They were also split apart for some time. She wanted a "little buddy", our whole day of reconnecting she wanted me to see everything, even that argument with this other friend. She wanted me to meet everyone, her landlord, her cat, her friends at the bar, the people that knew her on the street. She wanted me to see her be sweet and be angry at people, her favorite spot in the park. We have always wanted the same thing, and I fuarrrked it up because I couldnt see this. If ive really ruined things to the point shes scared even after our meetup that I might turn on her, im sorry. The funniest part of all is that in spite of all my musings, I wish she could see everything I wrote here I want so bad to somehow just send it to her all at once. But thats exactly the sort of thing that would show I havent changed at all, so il just have to pray she continues to give another chance and I can tell her by my actions. And I need to look to others around me ive been neglecting because they dont live up to this projection she herself cant live up to. I have a date soon with someone whos wanted to see me for awhile that ive just had them on the backburner cause it wasnt her. And its time to try seeing some good in someone else. To spread myself a bit thinner so that whatever identity I create for myself isnt all wrapped up in one person.

>>92492 There is a lot of struggle and pain in this post. My friend, I don't know you, but I can tell that you are somebody with a lot of love in your heart. So much so that it's pouring out at the seams and you don't know how to deal with it. You seem to be growing aware of your flaws, and that's a very very important first step. Your inherent self-interest and the presence of your Ego. It is important to think of others, to recognize the source of your pain and the problems you suffer. Grief and sorrow are merely unexpressed love. That love that you feel for her, for what seems to be many other people in your life, and many things, boundless and joyous, childlike and innocent-- it seems to be blockaded. There is a cage wrapped around your heart that is causing this pain. I understand. I'm dealing with many of these same pains myself. There is an entire book worth of words I could give you. Essays upon explanations upon questions upon understandings, but this isn't the place for that. Instead, I'll tell you the very first things that came to mind as I read your post. >You need to recognize that others feel a lot of the same pains that you do. You are not alone in your suffering, and every single person on the street you see feels the same, in some way, some how. The loneliness and pulling feeling of love is something we all struggle with. >You love the world. It's so very clear to me that you're filled with this joy. You need to learn how to allow yourself to be of that joy as well. Learn how to be joyous about yourself, learn how to love yourself the same way you love her. A man who does not love himself cannot ever take care of another. >It is important for you to take this love and consummate it within yourself. Cultivate it TOWARDS yourself. My advice: any time you miss her, any time you feel that void, the pit in your stomach grow louder. Find every single person in your contacts list and say something nice to them. Mean it. Personalize it. >The world will reflect what you give it. As within, as without. This love that you feel, project it outwards irregardless of whom it's towards or whether you think they deserve it. This love will reflect back to you, and hopefully it will help you learn how to love yourself. Doing this is extremely terrifying, and difficult. That is what a strong man is. >There is potential within yourself to become an extremely powerful and self-sufficient, happy individual. You must cultivate this love within your heart, but you must also be strong. I would recommend reading works on the Ego-- from almost any ancient philosopher you can find works on it. Learn how to recognize this Ego and learn how to reject it. >Some examples of this Ego are things directly mentioned in your post; the fact that you previously never thought about her, and only of yourself. The way that you need external validation to feel "real". These are all functions of the Ego. They are chains that you have wrapped around yourself. >Challenge yourself and your Ego. Show, but do not speak of yourself. Act, but do not explain why. You must learn how to create an inner world that isn't shared, and this will strengthen your being. Good ways to practice this are playing videogames or doing things and NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM. Consider them secrets. Write to yourself if you have to. >Always think of others before you think of yourself, but always take care of yourself first. You cannot take care of others, you cannot be there for others if you cannot be there for yourself. >You seem to be in a phase of your life filled with introspection and thought. You are in the dark-- sitting in the Evangelion chair during Third Impact. Stay there. Learn yourself. Be critical of yourself, but be accepting of yourself. Your TRUE self, and all of your flaws, and all of the beautiful things that make you important in your world. Recognizing your flaws, finding your mistakes and correcting them; these are some of the most important parts of self-realization. >Never be afraid to believe. Believe in God, believe in Good, believe in magic and fate and divinity and luck and what have you. Belief forms your actions, creates mental constructs, and those harden into factual reality. But be wary. Believe too strongly in evil, believe too strongly in that which is wrong and that which is harmful and that will become as factual reality as that which is good, and beautiful. >Believe in Good, act on that Good, and it will become real, and thus you will be creating a reality in which yourself and others can be happier, rather than allowing a reality of pain to control you. >Never be afraid of love. Never be afraid of loving. Never be afraid to know that you are loved. There is only so much I can do. I myself feel inadequate, and unable to help you, despite my best efforts. I simply draw a blank. But I know that it is the effort that counts for myself. I want you to know that I am with you in spirit, brother. God be

>>92479 I don't think there is a way to truly escape the horrors of being a self-aware being except perhaps attempting to snuff out one's self-awareness through death and I am unsure of that even. If you experience detachment from your internal monologue and no longer feel in control of it or the rest of your actions life seems like a random mix of experiences that the mind is forced to react to due to years of having attached value to experiences that are ultimately neutral and meaningless if not for our subjective interpretation of them. I do not know if there will ever be an end to this. I like the buddhist idea that if you dissociate from your experiences and stop attaching value to them you will no longer suffer but it is not reallly possible I think to maintain a meditative state indefinitely. Very little can be proven about the world outside of the existence of one's own conscious experience. Humans are born with the ability to recoil from pain and experience suffering, self-aware matter is an abomination and finally fuarrrk this gay earth.

>>92493 thanks lainon, it does help. i get wary of posting here because you never know what you are going to get, but your words do help. things to tell myself are all I have right now, all I can do is try to provide a non cynical and evil answer to each little thread of self doubt and longing that keeps popping up all day. i know im in this position now because I never did that before, I thought words and just sitting with it werent enough because I should be able to "just be normal" and looked for things to bury it and now i have to. its funny all the grief substance abuse causes just for when you are out of it to realize the real grief youd been hiding. it feels unfair somehow and yet I know it isnt because those griefs were also to cover up this one.

Someone once told me that if i had more paranormal questions i could ask here. I wish i could trust azazel and all these beings. I wish i could do all these drugs, just in order to float on forever. I don't want to be anything. I don't want to do anything. I just want to float like it's audio related. I'm allergic to physicality. The waking world. I wanna feel like i feel when i'm asleep. When dreaming. Something's...

>>92498 I wish i was nothing. Should i try merging with the monad? Melt my being back into god? I'm so lost man...

>>92483 >That's such a non-answer. That's the exact point. You can read and comprehend sentences. Great job! >I know someone who works in a company, who worked their way up - they told me about how they were hounded for their lack of degree in their job search. But they also constantly mention that they are at threat of needing to go back and get a degree. Then go for an industry that doesn't care too much about degrees. If oyu need to make a portfolio anyways then fukc the degree

>>92499 >Should i try merging with the monad? Melt my being back into god? Dude, what exactly do you think we're all doing here if not journeying towards absolute knowledge? That has literally always been the game: attaining the state of perfect zero entropy, otherwise known as godhood.

>>92499 >>92498 If you want to merge yourself back into god ("return to the source"), drugs will give you an illusion that you have, but it will not be the "real deal". All masters on the matter state that in order to reach that state you wish to reach, one must overcome their desires and through daily diligent practice and hermetical transmutation achieve this unison.

There is no place left for me. I go to talk about my experiences and the current tate of technology and I'm either derezzed, swarmed by bots, or subjected to psychic attack for the next several weeks. My inner world was shattered and scattered, mot of it is not longer even bothering to fight with itself, it's just asleep and therefore I am totally alone like never before. This place wants me to get back to work and knows that anger and conquest impulses are the only thing that engages and drives me, so it's trying to make the entire world seem as cold and hostile as possible so I'll feel like there are no real humans left, I'm surrounded by another species, and my back is to the wall. It knows this will motivate me, and it will use my attempts to understand the world for the purpose of changing others for its own ends. I see this happening and see how it tricked me into killing the alter that understood this and had the burden of unconditional love and so on. I am truly on my own now, after 15 years I have returned to the start. I have to set things right before I am unable to do so.

I keep setting up nice things and then ruining them. I can't stop footgunning myself. My mom had this inclination but she controlled it, but then she encouraged me to go wild. Why am I so stupid. I could have had it all.

>>92506 Are you the guy who made the DID thread? I've been wondering when you'll respond.

>>92508 Possibly made a DID adjacent thread. I vaguely recall the thread you probably mean though, no that wasn't me.

>>92492 a little update this is a confusing time for me. its hard to differentiate when I am crying over my friend, because I did indeed love them and there is some heartbreak involved, and when I am crying over losing my older sister, and then losing my dad, and then losing my cousin. Slowly right when I needed everyone most, when times were most confusing, it felt like my family started to dissapear. Is it the same now? My friend has been texting but we havent scheduled another hangout, we are both almost 30 and we saw eachother just a week ago. I dont need to see most of my friends more than once a month these days, so I think it still is just this familial loss coming back. I can get over heartbreak faster than most, but this is proving difficult. I still cry every day, I walk through life and everything feels as if its missing something only to remember its felt like that forever, since I was 12. I remember each day after my cousin left, going to school hoping that day would be different and exciting, id make a new friend. And it wouldnt happen, I feel like im doing the same thing now. I have money but I think I need a job, a job where people are around me all the time like a barista or bartender. Its insane because for the past 3 years ive told others and my ex (not this friend) that they need to be okay with spending time alone, I was a monster of a different kind. One little light, I remember this was the feeling that motivated me to first go to college. To make friends at college, its what would allow me to cry with people and at people. Without this sadness and emptiness and this feeling like I should be spending each moment with another I stagnate and I dont do anything. At moments I cant take it, I just wish I could feel better. How long do I need to cry to resolve this and to realize there is no replacement for what was lost then. There is no replacement for that relationship, and many dont even get it. The only people who have it for life are maybe twins. Do I wish I never knew it? That I never knew feeling completely understood by someone and always excited to see them each day? Of course I dont wish that, and I dont because this is my drive. I would have stayed a neet and a shut in without it back when I was 18, I would have just thought "what good is out there". I wonder if this sadness sometimes is just "drive", and im just misunderstanding it. Like im just not taking the right steps and thats whats making me sad, im not really putting my brain to work to it thinking its something il just keep crying about until things go back to normal. There is times where I want the feeling to never go away, and instead im scared of what back to normal means.

I've lost some good friends. Through drama I lost a friend group. They didn't always treat me well, and really they fuarrrked me over, but I still miss them. Even without me, they remain steady and mostly the same. My life is going fine and I still have plenty friends, but none with the same connection. I still see them and it makes me a bit gloomy. Loss of the living is strange. It's weird to grieve a relationship with people who you still see around, like ghosts. The worst part about anything is that life continues and goes on without you. Their's without me and mine without them. Not sure I'll ever be apart of something like that again. It was great when it was good and I miss it.

Im tired as fuarrrk and starting to realise that all this overthinking that drains me is a ADHD CPTSD combo and for the first time in my life...in my 40s. Im considering going on a course of meds for it. I see some people criticising childhood diagnosis but Im thinking it would have been a good thing. Might not have fuarrrked around with illegal drugs as much.

>>92523 the drugs are a constant and if anything be glad any psychs you did didn't fry your brain thanks to SSRIs (happened to a friend) anyways I feel like the meth state is achievable naturally. run away from the voice by staying busy, you'll have plenty of time to rest when you die :D

>>92524 does HRT fry your brain?

>>92522 Thats rough man but it happens to everyone, ive seen it with people like us here, ive had it happen, and ive seen it even with people who were little socialites their entire youth but didnt understand the changing dynamics of adult relationships. Whether it was your fault or not, you can't really learn to keep friends without moments like this. Im incredibly on guard not with but for all my friends I guess and its its own kind of pain sometimes. I dont live in fear of losing friends but that fear is real because of times ive lost people and knowing now how I played a part. I will say ive been lucky to win most back, and I take care of them as best I can its actually all that keeps me going many days. That could happen for you too, just be patient, sometimes its taken me years or sometimes just half a year. Work on yourself in that time, reflect, be sad, imagine taking responsibility for it even if it truly isnt your fault. Its easy to think a stain on a relationship is a stain forever but it isnt, thats only true for people who dont change. Even if you feel like people have done things to you that would make you never look at them the same no matter what, that is not the case for everyone and people have a terrible mind for what time can erase. Further even if you cant get them back, you want to be in a place to where if you meet people like them again you can keep them around. Just dont forget whatever part of yourself led you guys to meet in the first place.

>>92529 hrt risk is cancer, even underage kids get cancer on in. For altering brain you take primozidine which removes the desire to hrt

>>92608 >even kids get cancer on it you can tell the state propaganda has seeped into this one's brain, specifying the "underage" to make it clear that it is in line with the moral panic dictates of approved sources. in reality, there have been zero cases of HRT giving children cancer. In fact, certain cross-sex hormones can actually reduce cancer risks, look up "ray peat" for more info. meanwhile primozidine is a notoriously harmful antipsychotic that increases psychosis rate in patients over long period and causes substantial brain damage too

>>92609 kids get mentioned because cancer at underage is highly abnormal. You got clearly triggered and now try to cope. That aside the state supports it. So you either lying or too stupid to grasp whats going on.

Somehow I've made the mistake of vastly overestimating people. I've expected way too much from them. I now know that the true difficulty is not with trying to get someone to talk to me, but with finding someone worth talking to in the first place. This is a new and more hopeless kind of loneliness. Aren't these odds kind of suspicious? How can things be this grim unless the world was designed specifically to fuarrrk with me? I'm actually lost here. I don't know what to do, and I don't see a point to any of it even if I could somehow solve it all. I suppose that I should be glad that I still have myself. I still have my knowledge, my kabar, my rifle, and my books. Life is short and all will be lost. For what purpose am I supposed to be doing things? I keep trying to improve myself as a tool for the off chance that there will be something worth doing at some point in the future, but honestly...

>>92619 I have no commentary beyond that your sentiment is highly relateable. I am convinced this place is a loosh farm. It's our role in the script. Maybe the others are pure NPCs and maybe not.

>>92620 >this place is a loosh farm So it seems.

>>92621 And so, I will post art. Because at the moment what else can I do.

>>92615 >someone disagreed with me online >better call them triggered you said "underage" and "kid" redundantly for a reason, lol. now you are getting accusatory about it. is it because you don't have a source?

My current social relations to my family are characterized by a deep, unfounded emotional repression resulting in deep shame when talking to them with less filter. No trauma; just suburbanite atomization or whatever. Where's my community?

>>92634 going out for drinks with my mother helped a ton here. there were a lot of problems between my single mother and i that were better understood and found solvable with a single night of suppressed inhibition. if you wanna try the same, the catch is you both need to be ready to: a. handle your liquor b. handle your emotions if either child and/or parent is a fnckwad or in the wrong mood, imagine how that can go.

>>92634 if we met in real life, for better or for worse, id convince you that you do have trauma. A deep one. Il try my best here. Everyone has a trauma, by order of the world. Some are less than others, my dad died my sister was taken away and more but I dont see any less camaraderie from the "my mommy and daddy got divorced when I was 13". For whatever reason the aftershock its like the same thats my take. Its in the feels is why, my dad dying at 5 had little impact on me, my sister being stolen away at 12 had a big impact. You are a classic suburban mishap, that has a big impact to, as big an impact as anything ive been through. This is the prodigal I have it worse pass, its yours to take on the condition you allow yourself to think about the worst feelings you have now and when you first felt them. If you cant remember you may have felt them all your life. I know people like this, people who had a "better life" but they did not at all. I believed in my mom, I had magic with my sister. Some I know have 0 faith or connection to their parents. It isnt their fault and it isnt yours, that sort of thing is fostered not a given of a "normal life". What I always wondered, if you and some of my friends are truthful in your "nothing bad really happened" assesment, why do you know something went wrong? Because you do, no human and especially no kid thinks that with no reason. If you are telling the truth somehow there really is something all humans yearn for and its not just me. Even those who never got a taste do. Thats hopeful to me, maybe miserable to you. God do I hope you are right that you lived a perfectly normal suburban life believe me that, trust me I hope for nothing more. Regardless of that fact me and you and many others long the same, thats why I hope your right. That longing is everything its eternal, and if youve been subject to nothing at all that means it will be with me forever.

I don't have an ego. I can't find any core self. I am just an aggregation of traits along with the many personas that I use like masks to appeal to people. I genuinely don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I feel deep confusion and even surprise that my thoughts are connected to the person I am looking at. I remember talking to someone on sanctioned suicide in what I think was their final moments after they had ingested SN or something back in 2023. I wonder where that person is now. I miss heroin so much. There is nothing like it, besides other opiates/opiods, which I don't have much access to as well. There are so many things I would do just to get another dose of heroin. I remember seeing the heroin dissolve in the spoon in the water, seeing black liquid rise from it and the water slowly turn brown. I remember listening to smashing pumpkins and alice in chance as I drowned in euphoric bliss and relaxation.

>>92624 your ugly meme just further supports my initial statement of who you are.

My best friend hasnt been replying my messages for the last few days. We used to talk almost every day for the last 7 years, and every time we dont speak for more than 1 day i start to feel sad, sometimes she busy and i understand that, i never told them about it, i dont want to bother and make her feel like she is obligued to speak to me every day to avoid making me sad, that's sounds manipulative, i dont want to feel like i'm a burden, but if i told her , will she think that im being too much? i dont want to lose her. I do wonder, does she misses me as much as i miss her? is she going through something and just dont want to talk? last time this happened was some months ago, i asked if she was allright and she said that everything was fine, i feel like an idiot for caring too much about it. I feel like a kid whose best friend doesn't feel and doesnt want to be their best friend. I thought it was the 2 of us against the world, she was supposed to be my duo, i always have time for her, but she doesnt even have time to answer my messages in a week. Everyone in my life knows she is my best friend, but i dont think i even have a name when, or if, she is speaks about me. I don't know, is an obsession at this point? the only other person i talk to every day is my partner, i never had problems with non-continuous communication with other people, is fine, but this makes me feel like i dont exist.

>>92642 >I don't have an ego. I can't find any core self Stop interacting with others. Your problem is probably just having been a mind raped urbanite your whole existence. BE alone for a while. Alone, alone, alone. No videos, no prompts from NPCs in video games within structured anrratioveswhere you know what is expected from you. Just alone.

>>92684 Not that poster. What is there to be gained by being alone? And in fact, why would I want a sense of self? It is a massive distraction from thinking. As far as I experience my existence, threads (causes) of its structure cannot occur to me. I owe my self-understanding (and thus other-understanding) to rejecting self-contemplation and seeking distractions, and their inspiration-payloads.

>>92687 You're conflating the core self with the outer layers of self. There is a core self with a connection to some primordial basis outside space and time, a higher or diffuse self, and the stuff in between which is layered over and created by the world. People who have no core self are basically wind up toys, golem. They cnnot help but be used by others, and they know this. So they should find their core.

>>92688 Fair. I suppose emotional independence can be cultivated. I just hope that it is not going to be at the expense of coming to believe that I am being or containing an immutable unitary entity (or rather, that my self-perception as (containing) one is anything more than just that, a transient perception). It seems a somewhat difficult path to tread. I have so far been eager to avoid situations which may permanently move me from thinking. Not all mental states are thinking in my book. Only those that increase my discrimination of cause/effect.

>>92690 (Of course, in reality, one's conception of oneself is a barely coherent notion to begin with, because people never walk around contemplating themselves; statements in which it is reflected, in which it emerges, are always / usually parts of a communication (even if just with themselves), and thus are always parts of / responses to a complex cognitive / linguistic context. Which in itself is a reflection I doubt I would have gained without having my whole life been wary of the concept of self-contemplation and its consequences, and which I'd like to believe I owe to random distractions itself. But who knows. Hard to trace causes of individual things.)

>>92691 >>92690 Honestly, it's a bit too complex for me at the moment. I think I'm just gonna keep drinking kava, eating cacao, and smoking wild lettuce + lemongrass. Crushing existential despair has rendered my inner world motionless. What good is it to convince Anon he has a core self he does not know about. Mine is the only reason I was able to continue on for so long.

>>92692 Ah no, not complex at all. I was merely a bit overbelligerent to disrupt your advice to them with my personal experience that self-seeking tends (or would have tended) to make me understand myself less -- as in, to make me less aware of my thoughts' and feelings' origins. It is just a little paradox which I theorize, not unlike the one that people in tech professions tend to understand people better than psychological professions. >What good is it to convince Anon he has a core self he does not know about. Well, you than think about feeling, but you can't feel about thinking. Feeling is always an option; thinking, in terms of likelihood, is more precarious. At least in my case. That's why I never took drugs and probably never will. I am always cautious of my sense of self obscuring my discrimination, that's all. You all probably don't need to worry about that. Please enjoy your drinks and selves.

>>92693 (After all, it may be that what the original poster presumably framed as a problem, isn't really. I do "recognize" myself in the mirror, always have, always will -- but on the other hand, I have come, somehow, to understand the nature of that "recognition" as just a statistical construct -- a probabilistic effector of disparate actions across my time. There is a basic behavioral tendency or consistency or probability in me, but it is just that, a probability. May call it a self. May not. Sometimes will. Sometimes will not. Sometimes may call, or consider, it unitary. Sometimes may not. Depending on the model that causes shall bring within me.)

>>92695 Delightfully have I now been rendered the one unable to reply to the other person fully. >They think "this is me". Or they look at the world and say "the world is me, I am the world". This is the most relatable part of your post to me. As of late, I think I have been finding a bit of "respite" from word-problems / concept-problems, in seeing them as determined "state-coproducts" of myself. I say -- ask -- wonder whether -- feel certainty and doubt -- form mental discretizations -- when the material thresholds to, rise in me -- in my body -- above critical points. It solves little. It does not teach me how to nagivate the mental models being generated, whatsoever. But the "hypomodel" of all models, including itself, being mere physical behaviors, it feels like a viable foundation for the future. At least feels this way. It unifies a major (for me) dichotomy, between the physical and the abstract. >The I, which can distribute itself across and move between layers, = 1%. For what this little linguistic metamodel of agreement from me towards you here shall be worth, I can agree with that quantization; with respect to what it feels. Indeed, always scant feels the capacity to navigate.

>>92682 I've experienced this a lot. Knew a lot of guys who I thought I was close with for years, yet had very little communication from them though I put in a lot on my own part. The only thing that made me feel better each time, was dropping them. It got to the point where being alone was preferable. You're lonely either way, but at least you don't feel like a pathetic pining idiot. Those sorts of people probably won't turn around to you later, they don't even think about you the way you think about them. It's good that you have a partner at least. I do as well, and I've come to realize that as long as I have my partner, I'll always be alright, I'll never be alone. You just need one good relationship, it's worth so much more than thousands of insignificant ones.

>>92701 I been mellowing to the idea of losing her, she has been an important part of my life back when i was completely alone, but maybe i can move on without her. And you are right, my partner has been a bright light ever since we met. Thanks for the reply and the sympathy, you made me feel less alone.

>>92714 >partner >feel alone Nonsense. You do not deserve sympathy, as a rich person does not deserve welfare. >and every time we dont speak for more than 1 day i start to feel sad Why would you? If it is because she understands you, or because you are attached to her, then why are you with your partner instead of being alone?

>>92721 (The only valid answer is utilitarian; that you are with them because if you were alone, then you would not reach your full potential, which would be morally unacceptable on grounds of unrealized utility for society. But that would be instrumental, calculated behavior on your part.)

Ignoring r9001 style posts; sympathy is never deserved nor needed, but we can give it freely without cost. >>92714 >I been mellowing to the idea of losing her, she has been an important part of my life back when i was completely alone, but maybe i can move on without her. You may still feel for a time after the final decision, like you are pining for them, like it's a bad decision. We are social animals, there's nothing to do about these feelings. But it's better to absolve that weariness. It can help to reflect on who this person was and who they are now. One of the close friends I had, we bonded over a love of making music, but as time went on he got sucked into anime and manga, which I don't care for. All my efforts to rekindle a friendship beyond interests were for naught. I told myself that even if we spoke, there is not much to say anymore, and obviously there is no longer a mutual sense of friendship, if there was one at all. It's unfortunate; a good friendship today should have the same force as a good romantic relationship really. Would we ever see a bond like Achilles and Patroclus again? It's harder for men as well. We live in a lonely era, and have nothing to do but to accept this, and manage as we can. Connection is a drive within all of us humans. Even those who rebuke it must simulate the feeling; all of us who attend this board are guilty. Personally, I would rather be a machine. Wouldn't it be nice to be liberated from these feelings and concerns? But I will never be anything but human.

>>92725 >sympathy is never deserved nor needed, but we can give it freely without cost Its cost is enabling greed, or label-pursuit. Runaway "I am lonely"-mining that damages discourse, words' utility. I cannot imagine how one can miss anything at all when one is with someone else. For years, I would write someone without as much as a letter in response from them. I was content. And there isn't much distance or difference between me and other people. When you choose someone as a person you value, you do not move away from it, from them. If they move away from you, it is your fault. You have failed them. You could have been good enough for them. But if they were worth it, then you last. You do not change. Unless you, as I said, need another person as a personal motivator. But that's an exploitative relationship.

>>92726 And, yes, if they were not good enough for me, then I should have raised us both. In every case it is my fault. If they hate me, I should have been different. Point is, you do not not leave people!!! You accept failure, and you continue alone. Researching things, enacting change, alone.

>>92727 Maybe some people just do not imagine that they should be better than just to bore of someone. When I become bored of something, the thought occurs to me, "I should not be. A better me would not be." When I grow to dislike something, it occurs to me, "I should have been good enough to transform my relationship with it that I no longer do". And if I fail, if my failure -- to ameliorate my attitude -- is thus proved, then how can I move on? Instead of trying to be my best? Instead of lasting, persevering? Enough saging.

>>92726 >>92727 >>92729 Your perspective does interest me, though I find your earlier harshness strange. I feel you would agree, that having just one person who we truly value and love is sufficient for our life; this mindset is one I came to, and I am trying to extend to another person who is having similar experiences as I did. On your point about people begging for sympathy; do you earnestly believe this is the case of the other party in question >>92714? I do not see it; I see a person who feels a legitimate sense of loneliness (one I am familiar with), though one which they could absolve themself through reflection, and considering their true needs and desires. I see many people here who receive the opposite of sympathy; the beratings of misguided online folk for speaking about themselves. I remember one man talking about his struggles as a father, and his only responses being that he is the scum of the Earth for being a dad. People begging for sympathy is certainly not a problem on lainchan! One critical problem with your approach is you imply that in a failing relationship, it is totally your responsibility. This feels like you think lowly of the other person; this seems like a desire to be the saviour of them. To imply they are lesser in their faculties, so only you must take the load of their responsibility? In a good relationship, it ought to be mutual, notwithstanding physical responsibilities in the case of say, the care of disabled loved ones. I ask you, which is the more pure type of relationship; one where you suppose you are on equal terms, or one where you suppose yourself superior to the other? Another problem is you imply the other person is always of good judgment of you. What, so it is impossible for a person to be poor of judgment? Or to be lead astray by other things in life? Though, for what you say that is flawed, there is something in it that gleams still.

>>92731 Fair, fair, fine, fine. You are right about everything, from divining my awarenes of r9k1 to having the moral / spiritual high ground for extending sympathy, both to that poster, and to myself (and probably to yourself, too, in your own life). You win all disciplines. >which is the more pure type of relationship; one where you suppose you are on equal terms, or one where you suppose yourself superior to the other? Yea yea. Thou shalt not have standards for thyself thou wouldst not demand of the other. I know. Moral blackmail, all that. Making myself suffer -- e.g. loneliness -- does not morally obligate the other person to suffer likewise too; nor does it bestow any misguided leverage of power upon me; and it is intellectually flawed to invent arbitrary justifications positing such asymmetry. Let me have me my delusions, all that. I appreciate your use of the exclamation mark though! >you imply the other person is always of good judgment of you. Yes. I know. It is at times -- often -- comforting to attribute perfect rationality to other people. It lifts a computational burden ("they have already reasoned through everything anyway; there is no need for me to do it myself"), and justifies inaction. And avoids conflict, btw. To hold other people omniscient, is to shy away from force when its exertion is just. Holding everyone cognitive masterminds, is to reduce all conflicts to battles of wits. It a to disacknowledge existence the emotional layer; natural conflicts of values. I know. Kudos for having me admit.

im sorry to intervene in whatever conversation you peeps are having but I need to vent I gotta meaninglessly stack paper to keep stacking paper because if I don't then my life will be absolute soykaf and I don't do it for myself but the people who love me and need me to stack paper I am now what I feared to become in my 20s, a paper stacking machine. I'm morphing into an empathic input to sociopath output machine that exists only to put dumb fuarrrking clips on meaningless paper and use that paper to buy objects to farm even more paper it is meaningless effort. it is not appreciated, much less enjoyed. but freedom would be too cruel

>>92731 >This feels like you think lowly of the other person; this seems like a desire to be the saviour of them. To imply they are lesser in their faculties, so only you must take the load of their responsibility? Maybe? When I blame myself for the state of the universe -- for failure to save future aliens from future suffering in their galaxies in failing to have spearheaded Earth's space travel programs -- is that saviorhood, or rational flow of obligation with no arbitrary boundaries of feasibility? Or both that, and a convenient way to hate myself? >>92734 I apologize. Do not.

>>92733 >>92735 Specifically, the two may mix: "I am not omniscient, thus I am not even capable of resolving the ethical problem of liberty (theirs, to live as they wish) vs responsibility (mine, for their happiness), e.g. with respect to people I care about." A solution is to hold oneself responsible, but the phenomenon immaterial; confining oneself to solitude. Avoiding cognitive errors and moral missteps alike. But this waxes trivial.

Whatever happens in life, whether I'm injured, poor, sad, paranoid, or otherwise, I'm glad I'm not ugly. I'm so fuarrrking GLAD my face looks pretty and my hair looks good at the length it is. Despite the fact that I'm destined to be a broken permavirgin, I'm glad it isn't because of my looks or physical attributes. Thank fuarrrking GOD

>>92810 >I'm destined to be a broken permavirgin You aren't. May you enjoy watching your body deteriorate in years, and hate yourself for wasting its potential; thinking of enjoyment and happiness it, you, could have brought to girls, but chose not to.

This place recognizes it's losing control. It's not going to let me leave without wiping my memory (again). Good fuarrrking luck with that. It's me against the world.

>>92812 >May you enjoy watching your body deteriorate in years If my family is anything to go by, that wont happen until I'm about 60 or so >hate yourself for wasting its potential My potential lies in my actions, not my looks. I've already done modeling and my future lies in something else >thinking of enjoyment and happiness it, you, could have brought to girls, but chose not to Women don't give a soykaf about how a guy looks anon.

>>92823 Not that anon. >If my family is anything to go by, that wont happen until I'm about 60 or so Same. >My potential lies in my actions, not my looks. I've already done modeling and my future lies in something else It's both. A lot of attraction has to do with your energetic field and telepathy more or less. >Women don't give a soykaf about how a guy looks anon. They absolutely do. I've had women look at me like they were hungry for a meal.

>>92823 >Women don't give a soykaf about how a guy looks anon. Of course they do. I am not quantifying it. >My potential lies in my actions, not my looks I said "your body's potential", not "yours".

>>92825 >Of course they do. Ehhhh, there are several things that are more important. The only thing looks do are make your eccentricities more palatable, and I've been getting away with being a weird fuarrrker for so long that I've didn't learn how to act normal until it was too late. >I am not quantifying it. Understandable. It would be a fool's errand to try. >I said "your body's potential", not "yours". That's why I mentioned the modelling thing. That's pure body potential

>>92824 >It's both. A lot of attraction has to do with your energetic field and telepathy more or less. I put out pure retard energy. Or so I've been told. >They absolutely do. I've had women look at me like they were hungry for a meal. Were you standing in front of a Taco Bell at the time?

>>92826 >Ehhhh, there are several things that are more important. Arguably. That's -- to continue the back and forth -- why I made the specific wish I did. I know it is possible that you will, in the future, abide by a grand spiritual scheme or whatever, in which small victories, such as carnal ones, are not relevant to you. Futures like that are certainly posssible. That's why I wished that yours NOT be like that. And instead, that you suffer every smallest ounce of lost potential, regret over every last thing you could have had. That you deem no thing unimportant.

>>92829 >I put out pure retard energy. Or so I've been told. That happens. This is not immutable, you can change it. >Were you standing in front of a Taco Bell at the time? No, I existed and auto-used telepathy based on how I was programmed to. I draw people to me with my truest desire and then reject them over and over again.

>>92830 >And instead, that you suffer every smallest ounce of lost potential, regret over every last thing you could have had I'm in the middle of that right now thank you very much. >>92831 > This is not immutable, you can change it. Why would I want to change it? I have so much power.

>>92833 >Why would I want to change it? I have so much power. Then don't change it. What do you want from me? lolwat

>>92833 Ok. So now instead go out for a walk, watch people, or something. Or for a skateboard ride; nightrides are fun. Because I don't actually wish you ill, obviously.

>>92834 >What do you want from me? Nothing. You inserted yourself into this.

>>92836 I will remove myself.

>>92835 I've been spending upwards of nine hours a day doing art for the past few months in a desperate attempt to make up for lost time among other things like making music, videos, clothes, etc. Going skating again would be fun.

Careful there grandpa, if you shake your fist at the clouds to much, you might pull a muscle.

Flashlight makers are fuarrrking dumb. Who is smart enough not to make a flashlight that can blind bitches in the next galaxy over but instead just glow a tiny bit for like a month? Nobody that's who.

>>92843 who are you addressing?

>>92838 the life of an artist

Soon after turning 18, my abusive parents sent me to the psych ward where I was offered to move to a youth living(?) instead, which I agreed on for a lack of a better alternative. I'm socially anxious and have selective mutism, so once I moved there I was dismissed by the staff as a retard as I was mute during my entire time living there. The staff did not let me go outside freely nor let me eat alone, I only ever managed to get food ~twice a week during the nights, but they still tried to prevent me. I would barricade my door with a chair as they did not have any respect for my privacy and would unlock my door and barge in without a knock. My bathroom had disgustingly unclean water that would leave a strong, long-lasting odour so bad that I didn't even bother to shower. Every day during dinner I would lay in my bed and cover my ears as hard as I could to attempt to silence everyone else as they were being loud-mouthed, and I lived like this for six months, starving, unclean, and with no contact to the outside world. There's much more to it. It's something which affects me in my daily life, two years later, through naïve court-ruled interventions as I could not pay any bills during my time living there, but I don't have the energy to write about it now, I was reminded of it today.

It feels like I have some sort of serpent coiled around my solar plexus, preventing me from feeling unrest. It's forcing me to feel good about everything when I cognitively know that I don't. This place is trying to conquer me.

Though a car is wholelly artificial it is still a slave to the natural laws--of gravity, friction, thermo-dynamics, etc.--and is but a vessel to harness these natural properties for an artificial intent: transporting people to and fro. Capitalism is likewise a totally artificial construct that's still governed by natural laws in the pursuit of a human purpose. That is to say it's just a technology. To shed capitalism is not to shed the world. It's to acknowledge that a more efficient tool has been discovered. It's fact that Russia and China's economic growth have been remarkable. Undeniable even to the harshest critic. Whilst the west seems to be imploding under the dictatorship of capital China appears to me making great progress at an unprecedented rate! The governments of the west bicker on broadcast about trivial issues endlessly. Nothing of national development. Nothing of eradicating domestic-poverty. Nothing of the advancement of public education. Nothing of equality. Nothing of further economic development! Their solutions to these is to just wait! If the government waits long enough a magical phantasim--the free market!--will appear and all will be good. These countries have been waiting decades and things have been happening: home ownership rates are in decline; poverty is on the increase; inequality left to blossom whilst public institutions left to rot; degradation of schools, homes, libraries, hospitals, public-infrastructure. A soverign nation who prints their own money has none to spend on its own citeznry, but endless amounts on the pocurement of weapons of war that the citizens DO NOT WANT. There's an enormous glut of private-capital and it's desperately looking for returns in an increasingly desolte environment. Capitalism as a wealth extraction mechanism has perhaps been unmatched and it's now being turned inwards. The political stratum of society is impotent. They freely gave up the reins of economic control and are but spectators now. Why don't these captive populations embrace socialism? Every year they depart further from those ideals and every year the national degradation worsens.

I just put 24 dimes inside of a nitrile glove and stored them inside of a small mint box. It made me feel safe. No matter how I look at that, I can't help but feel that I might be mad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2KA4eiqFII AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>92905 >Why don't these captive populations embrace socialism? Freedom over "wealth", which in reality is debt. If you want to embrace socialism there are several countries already doing that you can move to.

>>92905 >It's fact that Russia and China's economic growth have been remarkable. Undeniable even to the harshest critic. pills or go actually live there to see for yourself

I have an usual problem which I mostly keep to myself, since people don't often believe me and don't know what to say. I remember my death from a previous life. I was a young kid, maybe toddler age or a little older. I was at home. There was something electronic that was lodged down my throat that was burning me from the inside. I remember an awful smell and taste, like if you burned plastic and smoked the fumes, that was the taste. Above all else though I remember the excruciating pain and the panic I felt. I don't know how long I took to die, just that I died in pain. The trauma of it carried over into this life. I don't know what to do with these feelings. It's too out there for therapists, I tried to talk about it on /x/ but the only response was some half-wit suggesting I must have been sexually assaulted as a child, I was not. Any suggestions on how I deal with this?

>>92955 How do you know it is a memory and not just you being an exceptional person? There is zero probability difference between being a math or music prodigy, and being a "sensory prodigy" or one at experiencing irreal scenarios. All are just scales with outliers. Traits do not know beforehand if they are going to be useful. In short, do you happen to excel at school?

>>92956 Generalizedly, there is nothing in principle preventing memories to be transmitted genetically. In fact, instincts against patterns are almost that. Your phenomenon is consistent with being a mere adaptation-in-making at mutation stage. If you reproduce, oral experimentation just may be reduced.

>>92955 PTSD or schizo. really go find a therapists, but since you can't and won't well you'll just have to keep ruminating. that's what i do anyway. don't think about it too much these memories are probably not real or not real enough to matter. if it's PTSD then double down on not thinking about it too much because it'll ruin you completely. good luck

>>92955 Did you confirm with your family if something like this happened? It could be a memory (possibly altered) of something that did happen in your life. It happened to me. I was injured as a child, still have the scar on my head; always had a precise memory of the event that I was listening to the adults chat, then tried to do something funny, but accidentally hit my head on the glass table edge. One day my parents told me that what really happened was I was jumping on the couch, fell off, and hit my head on the table. I couldn't understand why I had a whole different sequence of events in my head. My theory is the real event was so traumatizing I pushed it from my memory, and may have had a dream I took to be reality. I know of another dream I had that I thought was memory, but figured out when I was older was a dream because it was so absurd. Also, I had a similar injury a year or so later coupled with a horrific hospital experience (they stapled my head without painkillers), none of which I remember at all, so I at least know that the former half is likely, but the latter is speculation. In summary, children can suppress traumatic memories very well, though their edges may still protrude and be seen, and they sometimes mistake dreams for reality. This is only a suggestion of some cause for the event, but in a way it doesn't matter what the cause is unless it may comfort you; true or false, you have still suffered for this. I wish you well in finding resolution.

>>92955 >Any suggestions on how I deal with this? Well, it's like you expressed in your post in regards to the option of seeking professional help from a therapist: "it's just too out there" for 99% of people to discuss or really help you with. It's not that I don't believe you, because there is a chance that those memories aren't just a product of suppressed childhood abuse or schizophrenia. Rather, it's that your case is so exceptionally rare that there really aren't any real precedents to treating a past-life trauma. Probably the only viable advice to give you would be to treat it as any other traumatic life event and from there on beginning to untangle it and working through it. I dunno would diving deeper into those memories help you or make things even worse, but one thing that might give you some closure to the trauma would be to figure out whether it was something you did by accident or something that some other person did to you intentionally. And if you knew it was you as a kid doing stupid things which resulted in the trauma, then maybe that realization can make it easier to process the traumatic event. Also, what >>92959 said: if you haven't already, it would be prudent to confirm with your parents or relatives whether anything of that sort might've happened just to make sure this isn't just a case of unconscious suppression or misremembering of a childhood trauma.

>>92959 >>92960 >but in a way it doesn't matter what the cause is unless it may comfort you; true or false >Probably the only viable advice to give you would be to treat it as any other traumatic life event Interesting. I'd push this a little bit further and say that insistence at identity of an event ("it did happen", and "it was what I am saying it was") at expense of its treatment is a slight premise against that it actually did. Perhaps because it reflects a dominance of the cognitive faculty in the situation.

There should be an internet with all below average intelligence people derezzed for ever. I like to self-deprecate but I'm fairly certain that I at least have average intelligence. Okay, maybe if I study a bit more I'll surely be of average intelligence.

>>92981 if you were of average intelligence you'd realize that study doesnt raise your intelligence

>>92982 Lol. Boring response. (Unaware of neuroplasticity?) You could mock me for butchering the last sentence of my post instead.

>>92983 No, he is right. The nicest definition of intelligence is where it is defined as performance's genetic part. I like to spin the nurt-part away. >You could mock me for butchering the last sentence of my post instead. How is it butchered? In the way that it combines "maybe if ... then surely"?

>>92984 >The nicest definition of intelligence is where it is defined as performance's genetic part. A close to useless definition outside of some kind of clinical/laboratory environment. When I talk about intelligence I refer to intelligence itself, not intelligence as it could theoretically be if only genetic factors were at play. >In the way that it combines "maybe if ... then surely"? Yes. Butchered is an exaggeration, but it's awkwardly written because I hastily changed the wording right before posting.

>>92985 >When I talk about intelligence I refer to intelligence itself Fair. I am petty, so I like to swap people's pasts, have them be born in opposite environments (rich / poor), see how they'd grow up, abstract their essences, rank them by it. I like to imagine an idealized electric property of a sample of a "structureless" nerve bundle, and deem owners of fitter tissues better. Although I understand that in reality, intelligence, even defined genetically, probably refers to efficiency of communication of nerve superstructures too. >it's awkwardly written because I hastily changed the wording right before posting. Nice, but it's fine. The "maybe" is ambiguous. (maybe if) (then surely) vs (maybe) (if then surely)

>>92985 Anyway, what are you studying / doing for int gains? Physics, math, sports, policy?

>>92987 I'm not doing anything purely for increasing intelligence but my main interest is philosophy. I also like other generic nerd stuff like math and music but I'm still bad at all that, which is why I said that I should study more. I'm still a student after all.

>>92988 Sweet. I've been looking at philosophy too, but as of most late, trying to view it memetically; e.g. that philosophical arguments, or, more strictly speaking, abstract structures present in every human communication, form ad hoc "paratheories" that engage, disengage, and dissolve rapidly countless times every day. And that such para-, meta- theories can nest; e.g. "no, those two arguments you guys are making are not at all about the same thing" is a nth-level theory. Or such. Basic, but fairly fun. I'm >>92303. I also recently discovered that for some reason, Copilot allows deep-think modes without registration over Tor with a very bearable amount of Cloudflare captchas, and have been exploiting that. >math and music Sweet. I recently discoveted the tonnetz and had got fairly obsessed with it. Check it out. >I'm still a student after all. So am I, and I am old.

>>92956 >do you happen to excel at school? I happened to be exceptionally bad at everything in school. I was more self aware, cynical and able to see through things than people my age. So teachers would accuse me of "not applying myself". In truth I just had untreated adhd and very non-academic type of brain. >>92958 From what I understand of schizophrenia, it's not something you could lowkey have and not realize, it is too intense not to be noticed. I have crippling anxiety, paranoia, brainfog, confusion, feelings that im being watched, an endless stream of imagined scenarios where people are coming to kill or torture me. I also have what is called "magical thinking" although to me, that term just sounds like therapy jargon for people who think differently. I would likely fit the definition of "schizotypal" but -you could say that about plenty of autistics -It wouldn't mean that anything unusual I've experienced can just be dismissed as a delusion >>92959 I don't think my mind would conjure up something more traumatic than the real event, there's not many things that I can think of that are worse than what I remember experiencing. Also I feel awkward telling my family. I don't want to cause them worry. I like my mother, but there's a lot I keep from her because worrying her makes me feel bad. That being said, I'm sure if something insane did happen when I was young, she would have told me. >>92960 >treat it as any other traumatic life event maybe, although I feel that the close-minded would view this as the trauma equivalent of stolen valor. >figure out whether it was something you did by accident or something that some other person did to you intentionally From all I remember I was alone in that room when it happened. If anyone tried to come to my rescue, it would have been too late. The room itself is a placeholder though. I see my parent's current bedroom in my current life, we didn't even live here when I was younger. I'm not sure what the "trauma" could be if it is really from this life. I was not sexually assaulted, I do not have any lasting scars or injuries from injuries (aside from a scar on my nose from breaking it a couple of times as a kid). My childhood is actually hilariously normal considering how fuarrrked up I am. I appreciate your concerns about my past, but I have a strong feeling that this is a past life memory. I am someone who is in tune with these things, I remember other things from past lives but nothing so vivid, mostly feelings or little things like cooking in clay ovens. It's usually the elements that remind me. Fire, water, wind, these things exist across all times and cultures so it makes sense.

>>92981 Any method of measuring intelligence is flawed and biased. They measure a particular *type* of intelligence. Academically, I am ungifted as they come, but I have more intuition and senses for things than most people. There's also the fact that are plenty of high-IQ or gifted people who are psychopathic or still hold strong irrational biases. The idea that intelligent people are benevolent is a myth perpetuated by rich liberals with expensive educations.

>>92990 >I was more self aware, cynical and able to see through things than people my age. Yea, that was obviously (a class of) what I asked about. Goodness. "Good at school" doesn't mean getting good grades. >From what I understand of schizophrenia, it's not something you could lowkey have and not realize, it is too intense not to be noticed. >I have crippling anxiety, paranoia, brainfog, confusion, feelings that im being watched, an endless stream of imagined scenarios where people are coming to kill or torture me. Nice. Had I not just woken up, I'd have laughed. Genuinely funny. In case you're somehow being earnest, what do you think mental "illnesses" are but quantitative "over"-pronouncements of useful blocks of thinking? I wonder if there is a SINGLE mental illness -- without quotes -- that originwise is NOT amplification of a universal adaptive behavior, but a wholly added and extraneous thread. >I don't think my mind would conjure up something more traumatic than the real event There is zero reason it shouldn't be possible and indeed I consider that to be a rather foundational "toolthought" to have.-- >although I feel that the close-minded would view this as the trauma equivalent of stolen valor. --Ha, see? That's the very reason why. Why people should hold it.

>>92993 To clarify: there are schizophrenic, autistic, psychopathic, narcissistic, whatever, chimpanzees, cats, mice, reptiles, and possibly deeper / earlier. In fact, the best (and certainly funniest)/use at all we may salvage out of mental "illnesses" is to refashion those terms into evo-thread-verbal-ids, for naming drives.

>>92994 Or a hair better still, those terms are descriptions only of individual thoughts. (An indirect premise for rejecting the idea of the existence of the mind.) >>92993 In other words still, one may argue that the sole mental illness out there (even though still evolved and useful) is belief in arbitrary cutoffs for statistical outliers, in any trait at all. I.e. the true mental illness is to believe in mental illnesses. >>92991 >Any method of measuring intelligence is flawed and biased. Your right to call things such, but the official definition of intelligence / iq (the testing battery) is the best (widest x deepest) predictor of human behavior of all. It literally matters the most, as in, it is the greatest "mover" of individual change. A truckload of cash would not change a person as much as conventional test-intelligence success. A stupid person given cash would blow it on stupid soykaf. Or basically cede control over it to an advisor / a fund and reap rewards, which is still not an "agentic" thing to do; they still basically are nog engaging with that energy-potential as an individual. The stupidity caps their individual, localized, socially utransferred capacity to process environment. And an investing-minded person would invest, but lacking iq, misinvest as likely or not, statistically resulting in no targeted change either. And futhermore, "mobilization", utilization, of any thing a money can buy (or evolution can produce) also depends on it. A toy is worth as much as the ideas to do with it. >high-IQ or gifted people who are psychopathic or still hold strong irrational biases How do you know they hold biases? I am aware of plenty of things I don't verbalize. From outsiders' pov, I am biased. >Academically, I am ungifted as they come Again, basing that claim on bad grades is grasping at straws. >The idea that intelligent people are benevolent is a myth perpetuated by rich liberals with expensive educations. All I ask you of it is to be just and consistent in your application of the "yes, there is a positive relationship between A and B, but it is not a perfect one" objection across all topics out there, and not reserve it for psychometrics.

>>92995 > iq (the testing battery) is the best (widest x deepest) predictor of human behavior of all. If we consider a dichotomy of fast-vs-deep thinking, IQ tests really fail the deepest thinkers hard, simply because of them being slow. It's unreal how much speed-oriented IQ tests are. They basically require tiktok-brain tier instant reaction when you think you figured the problem out, and punish people for trying to rethink problem multiple times and consider multiple options. I'd say high IQ score means having coincidentally proper intuitions about those particular problems + accepting those intuitions instantly instead of trying to formally/logically verify them.

>>93004 >IQ tests really fail the deepest thinkers hard Fair. But I'd consider deep thinking to emerge from repeated instances of small / fast thinking, in a distributed slow-but-assembling fashion. What is deep thinking? I'd suggest it has to to with unification, and more strictly, a mindset of testing a consistent model across "disparate" cases for which it "does not makes make sense", but actually does. I.e. given a universe of things x, deep thinking is the measure of time / effort spent on finding the values of f(x), in search of confirmation that f is universal. Even though the actual value, for some x, may indeed be very, very imperceptible or convoluted or socially inacceptable or otherwise inaccessible. A handful of examples: * gravity had Newton consider g(Earth) or g(grain of sand) * determinism and panpsychism have people consider mind(rock) or nomind(human) * quantum mech has people accept calculations of quantumstate(a macroscopic object), in theory regardless of feasibility * communication theory may consider truthvalue(a sneeze) or physicalconsequence("Hey, what's up?") * I myseld am fond of accepting, say, rationality(suicide) or rationality(self-mutilation) * math, of course, is very embodiment of this approach * ... And what those things have in common is, they all seem to offer a direct line from atomic, minimal observations, just as an iq test may measure. One is, so to speak, constantly bombarded by, uh, temperature, in thermodynamic sense, of atomic, "hey, isn't that kind of like--"-s and "hah, in a way this is just like--"-s, till a threshold is met, the phase transitions, and an f forms, which the person proceeds to test. Tldr deep thinking isn't something one sits and chooses to do in grand projects -- at least not at first -- but the product of a restless, relentlessly remembering and similarity-seeing mind, pointistically; and those rememberings seem highly similar to iq test tasks.

>>93004 Bonus fwiw: last I checked (granted, many years ago), high-level iq tests were completely untimed, take-home. To be fair, I should think that iq comes with disinclination to cheat. >>93005 >>93004 Takeway may be this: in science, people get too hung up on how a thing may not work, and too dismissive on how it does. Classic example: "you can study for an iq test". Yes, you can. But does it TEND to happen? Does it TEND to happen that deep thinkers score lowly on speed-demanding tests? Does it TEND to be the case that people who fail tests often exhibit systematic analysis? ---- Okay, deletedited the post instead of saging.

feels like it's so hard to find a virgin girl to marry and breed with >why do you want a virgin girl? all my exes have left me for men that look like the ones that took their virginity. pair bonding is one helluva drug. and it'd be nightmarish to have a kid carrying the dna of someone who fuarrrks 17 year olds raw and then gets lost.

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THEY DID A PRACTICE RUN FOR THE RED HEIFER SACRIFICE ON JUNE 1. LETS fuarrrkING GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvqeSJlgaNk&list=RDxvqeSJlgaNk&start_radio=1 fuarrrk MODERNITY NEXT STOP THROUGH THE IRON DOORS PAST THE GOLDEN GATES AND INTO THE HEART OF ZION

>>93014 It may already be done. >>93010 Pretty disturbing thought if true. I guess humans really are a soykaf design that got scaled way too far out of its natural parameters. ie a woman being separated from her tribed will adapt and have sex / mimic love for survival, but desires to return. It makes sense.

>>92105 Why isn't there a free anonymous takedown resistant hosting on Tor that's tailored for information sharing? A couple of simple decisions would make it fulfill a niche easily. 1. Force all content to be served as text/plain. 2. Force maximum filesize / output stream size of 40 kB or so. 3. Limit upload speeds severely. 4. Set up some basic filters preventing (needn't / cannot be perfect) base64-style encoding of executables and media. 5. Optionally, offer an switch that MAY serve text/html, but only via a custom and limited latexlike command language. It would work thus: a file's content is still served exactly as was uploaded, and invariably all its html entities are encoded. But you can have a small set of controls. /bgcolor black /fgcolor white /include header.txt /autolinks [on/off] (Autolinking to existent files where a relative path matches.) (As for why I can't just host it on my phone: because I want it to outlive me, duh.)

>>93017 What does any of this have to do with being takedown-resistant? If you really want this, why not host Gopher over Tor? You could do that. Nobody would ever connect to your service, but hey.

since my ex posted a picture with her new boyfriend, getting rejected by girls hits even harder. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult to get a girlfriend and keep her happy.

>>93019 have u learned how to keep yourself happy?

>>93018 >What does any of this have to do with being takedown-resistant? Most illegal content is not text (and when it is, it is ebooks). I am describing a platform for individual expression, not for exchange of preexistent materials. And also, fair, I misphrased a little. More like failure-resistant. Illegality is barely a problem for Tor. (Although it is; vigilantism may happen, say.) Space, popularity, complexity, are all failure points when you host nontext. And, centrally, nontext is not really needed. To share information.

>>93015 I agree. It probably was not a practice run.

>>93019 >I don't understand why it has to be so difficult to get a girlfriend and keep her happy. You don't. You make you happy and invite them along for the ride. She can get off anytime and you'll still be happy. She'll stay for fear of missing out. Women gravitate to men that don't need them. >/vent/ Found out I have the autism. Always suspected, and sometimes larped I did, but now I actually know I know. Fug.

>>93080 >the 'tism if you mean you got a diagnosis never fear its not too hard to get de-diagnosed. The notion that any of this stuff has any rigor is a little something called 'delusional fantasy' or, if you prefer: 'make believe'.

>>93080 >>93081 Nay, it does have sense. It's just that autistic people are the first to question and resist authority classifications. Hint hint.

>>93080 >Women gravitate to men that don't need them. Such a bullshit bug. If I don't need you, why would we be together? I either need you or I don't want you. That means it's impossible to have a relationship. You may as well be telling me that hammers only work when no nails are around.

>>93083 >If I don't need you, why would we be together? Obviously he / women doesn't mean eternal solitude. He means having enough strength and happiness that a crisis or a bad few years doesn't cripple you more or less permanently. Simple evolutionary selection. Women always think longterm. (Female attraction for the best physical genes is longest-term thinking possible -- for their offspring's very lifetime.)

>>93010 It's a bit of a catch 22, but if you care so much about it like this women who are virgins probably don't want to be with you. Talking about or knowing what microchimerism is makes you sound like a psycho to most women. I think you have a better chance if you step back and change your mindset, learn to stop obsessing over it etc. Also reconsider whether their previous pair bonding is really why they left you or if it is the result of other problems in the relationship. >>93080 >Found out I have the autism. Always suspected, and sometimes larped I did, but now I actually know I know. Fug. Having some form of mental illness or disorder should be taken for granted for anyone posting here.

>>93087 Curious, what did the "professional" tell you to convince you you couldn't have told yourself? Did he take some physical or chemical tests of you? This, access to devices, seems to be the only advantage left that the profession has over the Internet.

I'm hopelessly depressed but as soon as I'm with someone/people I unconsciously act the way I should, ie. smiling, laughing, small talk. I have people tell me all the time that I'm one of the happiest people they know and that i'm super easy going, which again is how I come across. At this point I don't know when to turn it off, I only have one friend who knows the extent of my suffering but he's going through the same thing albeit not putting up as much of an act. I both wish and wonder how it would feel to drop that charade and see how people perceive me then. I expect in the distant future if I ever get a romantic partner i'll have to expose my true self but I feel like i'll never let it truly slip and end up being one of those old men who just keeps to himself. The thought resurfaces each week on sunday night when I have to transition from my solitude to going into work however the feeling of depression never leaves me when i'm alone.

>>93089 What steps have you taken to make sure that you are neurologically out of normal and your mood distribution is atypical?

>>93087 Hypergamy depends on a notion of a Darwinian society, but makes no sense because it would lead to a higher incidence of defect in tribal societies, and by natural selection, should lower the survival of polygamous hypergamic (of course, monogamous hypergamic makes no sense) tribes down enough so that they would be eliminated within a few generations. But rather, people like you insist that this behavior is in all women, implying that hypergamy should improve the survival of tribes, when this is obviously untrue. It doesn't matter if the tribe is one jock bullyciding all the stupid nerds, some of the chicks will still dig the nerds, if for nothing else but an irrational drive. >Women are hard wired to want men who have so many options for women they themselves are relatively worthless. Furthermore, this makes no sense. Why should they be hard-wired to chase a goal that they are more likely to fail, when they can seek an 'easier' man and procreate? Missing from your discussion is any treatment of relationships that transcend the shallow pool made by society. If this is because you have not experienced this yourself, I empathize with you, but understand that just because you have not observed it, does not mean it is unreal. Many will live in a city all their lives, never observing the felling of trees and their processing into timber, but nonetheless understand that this exists. In short, hypergamy is rooted in Darwinian ideas, yet fails to consider the more likely effect of natural selection, which is tendency towards the mediocre and sufficient rather than the excellent, which is the supremely flawed popular notion of the idea. The general public, as well as this anon (because he's obviously a tourist), subconsciously believe that evolution works like Pokemon. It's baked into our lexicon unfortunately; 'evolution' is most of all used to describe a constant positive improvement in something, hence we tend to carry that idea into the actual concept. Take this as my /vent/ if you will, that I can't fuarrrking use the word evolution in the precise way I mean without severe risk of being misunderstood.

>>93093 >because it would lead to a higher incidence of defect in tribal societies, and by natural selection, should lower the survival of polygamous hypergamic (of course, monogamous hypergamic makes no sense) tribes down enough so that they would be eliminated within a few generations How's that follow? Why would possibility of one male "poisoning" the whole pop, as I understand this is what you're saying, outweigh the fitness he may just as well bestow onto it? On single-population level, it may happen, at times, but single-subpop wipeouts do not affect the success of a species-wide strategy (usually; with enough subgroup failures, perhaps the supergroup can also "learn" it's doing something wrong). And why would existence of a universal DRIVE result in universl MANIFESTATION of it? A society does not nees to be observably hypergamous so as to consist solely of instinctively-hypergamous women. >neurosuggesting that hypergamy should improve the survival of tribes, when this is obviously untrue. Memetic and genetic levels can interact, if that's what you're hinting at. The meme of monogamy engineered by men has (had, really) suppressed the gene of hypergamy possessed by women. Marriage etc. >Why should they be hard-wired to chase a goal that they are more likely to fail, when they can seek an 'easier' man and procreate? Well, because the acceptance of easier men has been found to be suboptimal? >Missing from your discussion is any treatment of relationships that transcend the shallow pool made by society. Every discussion is missing something. Exceptions are more boring to discuss than rules. >yet fails to consider the more likely effect of natural selection, which is tendency towards the mediocre and sufficient rather than the excellent Let's clarify. Are you implying ATTRACTION to the average? Or just acceptance of it? Disambiguate the word "tendency". Attraction to the mean is, I suppose, theoretically possible, but I strongly doubt it. If anything, there is (rational) evasion of extremes, e.g. a hypersuccessful man will also attract enemies, violence, in times of social instability. But that consideration is being perpetually counterchased by "but how awesome would he be if he overcame it".

>>93093 >>93094 (Perhaps there is some confusion how hypergamy is similar to general, inherent pursuit of environmental optima. "Seeking the best partner" in the woman-sense must have a definiton explixitly telling it apart from that.) Anyway, yea, I think your post misguidedly relies on the notion that excellence is ever being evolutionarily rejected. I think a fitter (geddit) view is that excellence-pursuits, once established, once embodied, continue to, inherently, work at full throttle. It's just that they affect each other. E.g., hypergamy of the "perfect mate" is never, uh, limited. It is merely collided with another "unlimited" drive, namely that of unlimited, extreme sensibility and rationality. "If I don't choose a suboptimal guy, I will die alone, and that's not good". Drives, considered on their own, always want to be satisfied utterly, are greedy as .* is. This sounds abstract, but I think it's relevant here. Your objection pertains to observable drive-collision; not to any cap on any one particular drive.

>>93094 >>93096 Please don't tell me you are this guy: >>93087 I already called you out for being an r9k tourist. Go back if you want to talk robotnik junk. Everything you say about hypergamy is malinformed, wrong, and most offensively, extremely boring. But the robots at the clover field would be happy to suck you dry while blubbering about what failures they are, and be your yes men. How would one male poison a group? Inbreeding. How was I not more obvious? Genetics: natural selection will accept local maxima and, without sufficient pressure, will not go to global maxima. Read about genetic algorithms, they use the same fundamental mechanics as genetics and have similar emergent behaviors. Especially in extremely large dimensions of variables as there is in biological systems, will entrapment in local maxima occur. Rare mutations would probably be less effective in high dimension systems. The sub-optimal explanation is very likely. Consider how few animals besides the human have systems to deal with lactic acid buildup in muscles; they are 'optimally designed' for fast sprints, but the 'sub-optimal' human will catch up, and kill and eat the animal. How about the boards whose tusks never stop growing, even when they grow into their face, through their skull, and kill them with brain damage? It is sub-optimal for perfectly good boar to die prematurely, but the system works fine enough. Every animal that lays hundreds of eggs at a time; most of the babies die but some will get through. Massive waste, totally sub-optimal. Do you get what I'm saying? >Anyway, yea, I think your post misguidedly relies on the notion that excellence is ever being evolutionarily rejected. I never said nor implied that. This is the statement of a man desperate to find any fault with my post.

>>93097 >Please don't tell me you are this guy Why not? Wouldn't you be gladder to know there are fewer "tourists"? (I'm not one btw, I haven't posted anywhere online for some five or ten years, so there is nowhere for me to come from.) >Do you get what I'm saying? No, as you know. My post's motivation was triggering you into telling more, hoping to inspire conversation. I misjudged, underestimated the standard of conversation here, and I apologize. >This is the statement of a man desperate to find any fault with my post. I can assure you it was not the case. I barely see people. All the same, >Go back if you want to talk robotnik junk. No, not go back. I am not interested in humans, for the same reason I am not interested in computers. I did download 'Adaptation in natural and artificial systems' and 'Major transitions in evolution' a few weeks ago, incidentally, but I will never read them. As you know as well. Bye, and apologies again. May I never come here again.

>>93098 (It is hard for a stupid person to... not be anywhere at all. I do not belong in smart places, cannot educate myself owing to my intellect, nor can I be happy to consciously seek stupid places. I try to cope being alone, but every handful of years I crack, and places suffer. All the same, though, globally, I think I minimize damage well. This has just been a local casualty. Last post.)

>>92105 I want to die, but I don't know where to look. I have a perfect method, have had for years, that will work perfectly. But I don't know to where to go for the chemical / spiritual complement. Whom to talk to help me guide me into the mindset of no fear. To help me hack myself -- to internalize worthlessness; affirm moral utilitarianism; believe in afterlife; induce mental illness; invent a companion that will guide me through it; look up inductive chemicals; trigger myself into a recklessness I would regret; trigger painful memories; remove biases of "it will be fine"; anything. Ais won't help. They can be made understand the irrationality of opposition to suicide, but not apply it to a real person.

>>93098 >My post's motivation was triggering you into telling more, hoping to inspire conversation. Inspire conversation? Is that your "noble" goal after all? Why didn't you spend this time on a conversation about something more interesting than incel theory of the world? You don't even seem convicted about hypergamy, at least I could have had the experience of seeing how somebody would deny what I said. >No, not go back. I am not interested in humans I wish you weren't lying about this, so maybe you could leave this board called humanity.

>>93106 >Why didn't you spend this time on a conversation about something more interesting than incel theory of the world? Because I am a failed human with limited compute. I tried to generalize a little, as you noticed. As much as I could. (In other words, I tried to submit as wholly as possible to the generalization-drive.) >maybe you could leave this board called humanity. I did, twice, cursorily check other boards, as well as /random/. Every time, I reckoned that both the digital boards and the biological boards are mere subcases. I view computer science and cognitive science as subfields of the same topic, thus I am interested in neither. Recall the name of the book I'd sought out. I am interested in shared properties of computers and humans. Thus, evolution, modeling, reasoning, decision-making, and determination. The problem is that it is an ought-interest; I can identity the field I should pursue, but I cannot make myself curious of it, much less comprehend it. >leave this board Will you help me die?

>>93091 >What steps have you taken to make sure that you are neurologically out of normal and your mood distribution is atypical? Honestly I don't really know what steps can be taken. I've tried my best to excel in life and am doing quite well physically, intellectually and even in some sense spiritually but just the mental is lacking. I've tried fitness, travel, career and it all ends up in the same spot, which is just a bleak outlook on life. I'm not someone who believes in depression in the sense that your brain chemistry is just off but the way i'm feeling would best be described by that state. As for what makes me think im "atypical" its mostly due to the response to stimulus between myself and most others in similar conditions seems to vary. Now you could make the case the conditions are different but that might very well be the problem I need to address, however haven't found it yet. In any case it's the only life I got so I intend to live it to its fullest but I like venting here occasionally to get some stuff off my chest and some second opinions from people I believe may be similar.

>>93108 >Honestly I don't really know what steps can be taken. Yea, neither do I. "What are some cheap, objective measurements an ordinary person can make, to compare the relative strength of two emotions between two people, for the same stimulus? E.g. joy upon being given a gift, anxiety before a wild animal. Can you use a multimeter to measure electric properties of one's skin, a wireless receptor to measure radiative fallout of lower parts of the brain, e.g. responsible for fear or desire?" It gave fairly interesting answers. To me. To consider that everyone out there is exactly as miserable as one -- not just "has bad days too", but exactly the same -- is a fun option, no?

>>93110 Tbf, in an ideal universe, everyone would have an array of genetic copies raised in exact same virtual conditions, ready to take out for their first virgin "nurture test", to compare the nature-responses, in an absolute all-else-being-equal study. It kind of raises, to me, the question of how far can you push development of nascent brain structures till it becomes less mechanistic and more cognitive. E.g. till provision of virtual-environment stimuli must be stopped, because random chance / feedback can generate "pseudonurtural" distortions even for the very same simulated inputs. In short, I wonder if a brain as it is at the stage of, say, six months or a year, from conception, is sufficient for measurement of major psychological properties of the corresponding adult, while being yet undeveloped enough that there is little chance of "runaway" psychological distortion, because it is not capable of hosting such yet.

My cat almost fuarrrking strangled herself because I let the window open upwards, I tried to lift her up so I can pull her head but she started trying to jump around whenever I touched her. She's fine now and she doesn't seem to be bothered when I touch her neck but my whole hand feels like it's in flames because of her.

I always feel like nuts when having synchronicities right now I keep seeing three letters everywhere - wow.

mom found my diary yesterday, i was angry and i write somethings on last page for her and probably she saw it. the persona I've built towards my family since adolescence is about to break, and I don't know what to do.

>>93144 Writing diaries only is not idiotic as far as it may be safer than using an encrypted laptop / phone. But honestly, I do not know what are the limits of an intelligent person's encryption efficiency for paper media. I suppose actual meaning being put in letter shape etc. is safe enough, but there still ought to be at least two more layers, either (at least) a faux layer or a formal parametric transformation. Maybe a combined positional-semantic one; e.g. the positional transform (every f(n, m)-th unit where m is... and n is...) combined with meaning of the unit (extra salting via whether the unit pertains to emotion, other people, observation, etc.). Plus, of course, max compression, only encoding what is strictly necessary for where normal recall would fail. Plus, of course, noise-adding, noise-distraction as much as possible. And then, to test it against supercomputers foreseen in your lifetime. And of course, to ensure you can write it with perfect deniability under cameras.

>>93146 ("This is too difficult" -- that is why I never write what I want to write. Better for my thoughts and potentialities to be lost forgotten / unrealized than to commit them to unsafe media. And trying to secure a computer is, on my level at least, folly.)

>>93144 People who read other people's diaries without permission are scumbags with no integrity.

>>93148 tell that to otto frank and billions of middle school teachers who've made so many scumbags either that or hes a big liar

>>93146 Just make your diary a one time pad, and store the ciphertext on your encrypted device. The regular encryption on your device will thwart casual snoops, while the physical one time pad will thwart theoretical adversaries with only remote access to the encrypted device. Make your diary out of flash paper for quick deletion capability.

>>93144 You sound thirteen haha, don't worry man. You act like your life is over, I wish my problems were more like this. In a month, nobody in your house will remember except for you. Every teenager is like this, it's super normal. Hopefully your mother is understanding that you are not a fully formed person yet, still growing and still hormonal and emotional, and will be set off by unreasonable things. Though it would hurt to be reminded that her kid wants less and less to do with her, she will get over it and understand it's a normal thing, and know you'll come around later once you become an adult and your brain starts working properly.

The programming and tech board used to be lively, now updates are rare and boring. /r/ is strangely desolate. /zzz/ discussion, rare as it was, is only people talking about their stupid dreams. The only active spot is /hum/ and I'm getting sick of it. All our discussion, it is like kicking dead whales down the beach now. It seems like it's just me and some random delusional asshat, and sometimes a wanderer comes through. There are no more websites. This was supposed to be the good one I finally found. I am a netizen, but I no longer feel like I have a home. It is sad for me. I've never been comfortable with spoken communication, writing is my only way to communicate. I guess you could say that boards are the only medium that really allowed me to embrace that. I have blogs, but it feels like making a speech in an empty room. I do want to talk to others... but I don't know where those others are anymore. I've planned to make my own textboard before. The thing that honestly stopped me was that I looked at the other boards I go to, and think "Geez, I don't really want to deal with these people actually." I knew it would be a waste of time. The only reason I keep coming is pure compulsion. I hate that. I think I will stop soon, for even that compulsion is waning.

Growing up with seven sisters is a trip. I saw a young woman walking aruond in a lounge dress so sheer you could see her thong, and my first thought was "Jesus Christ what the fuarrrk is she wearing? That looks fuarrrking stupid".

>>93161 >>93161 >I have blogs, but it feels like making a speech in an empty room. Make explicit invitations for comments? Suggest lines of argument for people to make? Maybe publish less, but more often? Seed it in more engines? Invite friends? Or maybe implement some peculiarity that would make yourself attached to it, and maybe others too? Say, make it perfectly hierarchical (if it hasn't been done already). I've always been annoyed by arbitrariness of website segmentation (domains, subdomains, boards, threads, posts, comments, attachments, reactions). In fact, once I figured heyguys.soc.hum.board.com should yield same as board.com/hum/soc/heyguys >I've planned to make my own textboard before. I too. It would have no images, and you would be forbidden to discuss individual things / people in it, only patterns, generalities, rules. ---- Also, ironic of me to say that, but maybe go through Lainchan's threads you enjoyed, and try to name their properties? Say you liked tech discussion. What of it? Its practicality, or impracticality? Exactness, or imagination? Individual, self-empowering scale, or global, engineering scale? You prefer to talk in code, or comment on it in English? You like to engage with physics and engineering, or abstract it away? You like universal solutions, or discovering highly specialized ones? You like a social purpose, or are you using it selfishly? Etc. I apologize for the naivety of this, indeed.

>>93167 "Some random delusional asshat" is you. I wouldn't be surprised if it really is just us two on here. You are full of faux grandeur, yet you are a bottomless well of mistakes. Do you realize you showed how badly you understand DNS? Subdomains must have DNS records, that must propagate up the DNS hierarchy to be useful, which takes time unnecessarily, and then of course they must be overwritten. Everything you say is thoughtless, all one can do with you is correct you, but I've come to see that this is futile. I don't know, nor do I care, if it will give you any pleasure to know you are my tipping point. I refuse to come back, not to read your malformed response, not if you leave, not for any reason. I should really blame myself for clinging onto this site. Lainchan and 'lainon' used to mean something to me, but no more.

>>93171 >>93161 Wanderer coming through, old regular of /lambda/ and /omega/. I know you likely won't see this, but I wanted to just say you're not alone in these thoughts. I've been on this site for years, on a cycle of activity of sorts, and the social and cultural basis of this website is long dead. Frankly, I don't know why I remain myself; your messages here may be the final bell to break my own compulsory behavior. So I thank you for that. There is little substance left here. Between many dead boards, the intellectual decay of /lambda/ and /omega/; now all that's left is personal gripes and hollow words.

>>93172 whats the alternative? IRC? BBS? altnets? ill still lurk regardless

I'm here too! I've dealt with this sort of situation many times and on many boards before. The standard thing to say is that if you want a higher quality board, make higher quality posts. Go out of the board and learn something new so that you can make a project and post about it here later. Be the high quality poster that will attract high quality people and inspire high quality posting. Add some entropy to the system. You have to go out and seek knowledge elsewhere to bring back here. You do this to be able to also benefit from the knowledge that others found elsewhere and brought back to you. That's how it's supposed to work anyway. If your board is your source of knowledge then you're failing your board. Your board should be downstream from you, not upstream.

>>93171 I am deeply thankful you told me that, and angry at you that you didn't do it sooner. Yet, I asked you to help me die, and you didn't do it. You think it gives me pleasure to damage communities? No. Nor does knowing, and understanding, i will do it again and again. Do learn you need to be active in defending what you care about. You cannot hope on good intentions. I have them. It's not enough. >Everything you say is thoughtless Not everything. My regret that I cannot die, and my lack of delusion that I ever will, is not thoughtless. (Also, couldn't a dns response leave a cookie informing that subdomains shall resolve wildcard to the superdomain address?)

>>93171 >if it will give you any pleasure to know you are my tipping point. It does not. I wish your next community luck, as I do for my next one. For there is going to be one. Wish there weren't. But just wishing myself to be dead every night won't make it happen. You are weak. Weaker than me. I tried to get the world rid of me. Can you say the same? Did you try to get rid of people that drag it down? Or did you just complain? There are ways to get people to die deniably and effectively. Coward.

>>93178 >>93179 All the same, I will screencap your post and make it my phone wallpaper. I DO something. I TRY. ---- (Really, it did work. I did, several months ago, tell myself, I need to live, to get hurt, so to stir myself. So I did, online -- online life -- here, and my nature did yield what I needed, in shape of you. Is that not thoughtful? Is not putting oneself out there, for one's failures to hurt one, to trigger the moral right, not a good idea?) (I think it is. Just not good enough to feel good. Lest bad ones seem too.) (You all smart people don't need to be self-aware. You CREATE awareness. You do not need to work with a limited supply of it, work around it.) ---- On music keyboards' black and white keys. It is hard to tell if any one interval will involve a row-shift (from w to b or from w to b), or more generally, the hand motion to perform it. One is almost reduced to either memorizing the motions, or counting the semitones. But there is a shortcut. On the keyboard, the octave is divided into four quadrants. Ccw from top right (as in math): I. three black keys II. two black keys to the left of I III. three white keys under the three black ones of II IV. four white keys under the two black ones of III I found out: * for interval X between keys A and B * let Y be the number of vertical/horizontal steps needed to travel between quadrants of A and B * (e.g. from I to I then Y = 0; from I to IV then Y = 2) * oddness/evenness of X and Y are the same. * i.e. "diagonals" between quadrants are odd, vert/hori movements (and staying in the same one) are even. So basically, when I need to play an interval from any one key, fhe mental payload of where to expect it to be is cut (by half?). ---- Most of the time I think of things like this, I call them worthless. And still I do not die. You think I do not need help to end myself? You think I can be expected to have the self-awareness to? No. ---- You people are really irresponsible. Like this idiot's >>93176 belief in just world. "Value in, value out". No. ---- I knew what I was. I have done well for my brain. Had you had it, you would have been far worse. I have more than one scar on my skin spelling, both in form of words and of numbers, that I am worthless. Would you have done the same in my place? Or would you not care? About what you wreak on others? I cared. I hate myself. As much as I can. As much as I am able. Would you have hated yourselves? Or would you have accepted yourselves? You will not help me. I will continue to know that I will not kill myself. I will not let myself be deluded. But you will be deluded to think that I can choose to stop hurting people with my slowness. So who is thoughtless really? ---- You people are worthless too. Running away. Instead of grooming me into dying, and in doing that honing your argumentation towards sanctioning it socially, so that this would happen less. Worthless. I had been hoping, through this time, maybe I'd at least be pointed to a helpful place. No matter. This situation has had its profits. Maybe whalekicker will return. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with lying. And especially there is nothing wrong with speech only stupid people would deem lie. I will just pray that I stop posting. For your sake. Ironically, prayer, pure wish, is the utmost a will can so. But observing that paradox is not a thought either. ---- Yes. I knew I was worthless. At times. So what if I fail? At times, I hated myself, and did try to die till my energy ran out. So I was not completely awful. I tried to disappear. So what if my memory slips? I have grappled and regrappled with my memory of my worthlessness vanishing literally hundreds of times. The conclusion has been the same. At times, I genuinely tried. I did my best. I cannot do anything more than hate myself when I do -- throughout the time that I do. That is my best, and it is not the worst of all. Not the worst I could have been.

I spent a couple hours troubleshooting why xrandr suddenly wasn't detecting an external monitor plugged into a USB port via an HDMI-to-USB adapter. Eventually discovered my error: I had a second, unused HDMI cable lying next to the monitor's HDMI cable and I had been plugging that one into the port the whole time. fuarrrk me.

>>93186 Spent months alone on compiling this (and more). (Faultily, too.) Because I knew if I didn't, then what has happened, would. I cannot read any of this. Because I am too slow, and I need other people too much. But I kept at it. Meaninglessly. To remind myself, this is what people I respect do. Only for that reason. ONLY. To know what I cannot learn. Then loneliness got too bad, and I destroyed a valuable thing because I couldn't comprehend the thing I knew I should have comprehended. I knew I would always be too little, I tried to surround myself with things that were greater than myself, meaninglessly, and then it worked. For a few months. Kept me away. Until it inevitably, predictably, did not, and I was rightly called out. ---- ./00 structure integration/Adaptation in natural and artificial systems, 01 ./00 structure integration/Adaptation in natural and artificial systems, 02 Perspectives on ./00 structure integration/Entropy economics ./00 structure integration/Major transitions in evolution, the ./00 structure integration/Multilevel selection ./00 structure integration/Xenology ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/decision theory, an Introduction to ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/design arguments, an Introduction to ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/ethics, an Introduction to ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/knowledge, an Introduction to the theory of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/language, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/logic, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/mathematics, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/metametaphysics, an Introduction to ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/metaphilosophy, an Introduction to ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/metaphysics, an Introduction to ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/mind, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/psychology, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/religion, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Cambridge introductions to philosophy/science, an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/Set theory ./00 structure/causal inference, Elements of ./00 structure/information theory, Elements of ./00 structure/logic, 01 an Introduction to the philosophy of ./00 structure/logic, 02 an Introduction to non-classical ./01 mathematics/00 Precalculus (precalculus) (Stewart, James) ./01 mathematics/00 Precalculus (precalculus) (Sullivan, Michael) ./01 mathematics/01 Calculus (calculus) ./01 mathematics/01 Concise introduction to logic, a (logic, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/02 How to solve it (problem-solving) ./01 mathematics/02 Introduction to linear algebra (linear algebra, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/02 Philosophy (philosophy, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/02 Philosophy of language (philosophy of language, introduction to the) ./01 mathematics/03 Book of proof (naive set theory, mathematical reasoning, proofs, and discrete mathematics) ./01 mathematics/03 Differential equations with boundary-value problems (differential equations, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/03 Introduction to logic and to the methodology of deductive sciences (philosophy of mathematics and logic, introduction to the) ./01 mathematics/04 Combinatorial reasoning (combinatorics, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/04 Discrete mathematics and its applications (discrete mathematics) ./01 mathematics/04 Elementary number theory and its applications (number theory, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/04 First course in logic, a (mathematical logic and model theory, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/04 Geometry (geometry, Euclidean and non-Euclidean) ./01 mathematics/04 Introduction to real analysis (real analysis, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/04 Introduction to set theory (axiomatic set theory, introduction to) ./01 mathematics/04 Introduction to the theory of computation (computation, introduction to the theory of) ./01 mathematics/04 Partial differential equations for scientists and engineers (partial differential equations, introduction to) [...] ./01 mathematics/Analysis series/Analysis, 01 1 ./01 mathematics/Analysis series/Analysis, 02 2 ./01 mathematics/Analysis series/Analysis, 03 3 ./01 mathematics/Princeton companions/Mathematics ./01 mathematics/Princeton companions/NIST handbook of mathematical functions ./01 mathematics/Princeton companions/Princeton companion to applied mathematics, the ./01 mathematics/Princeton companions/Princeton companion to mathematics, the ./01 mathematics/Proofs without words/Proofs without words, 01 1 ./01 mathematics/Proofs without words/Proofs without words, 02 2 ./01 mathematics/Proofs without words/Proofs without words, 03 3 ./02 informatics/01 Artificial intelligence ./02 informatics/02 Machine learning, understanding ./02 informatics/03 Deep learning, understanding ./02 informatics/Introduction to algorithms ./02 informatics/Introduction to the theory of computation ./02 informatics/Lisp/Common Lisp ./02 informatics/Lisp/Picolisp by example ./02 informatics/Lisp/Picolisp works ./03 physics/00 Physical concept transitions (Copilot) ./03 physics/01 Introduction to (Griffiths, David)/electrodynamics, Introduction to ./03 physics/01 Introduction to (Griffiths, David)/elementary particles, Introduction to ./03 physics/01 Introduction to (Griffiths, David)/quantum mechanics, Introduction to ./03 physics/01 Lectures on physics, the (Feynman, Richard)/01 mechanics, radiation, and heat, Mainly ./03 physics/01 Lectures on physics, the (Feynman, Richard)/02 electromagnetism and matter, Mainly ./03 physics/01 Lectures on physics, the (Feynman, Richard)/03 Quantum mechanics ./03 physics/01 Lectures on physics, the (Feynman, Richard)/Feynman's tips on physics ./03 physics/01 No-nonsense (Schwichtenberg, Jakob)/01 classical mechanics, No-nonsense ./03 physics/01 No-nonsense (Schwichtenberg, Jakob)/02 electrodynamics, No-nonsense ./03 physics/01 No-nonsense (Schwichtenberg, Jakob)/03 quantum mechanics, No-nonsense ./03 physics/01 No-nonsense (Schwichtenberg, Jakob)/04 quantum field theory, No-nonsense ./03 physics/03 advancements/Concepts in thermal physics ./03 physics/03 advancements/Conceptual framework of quantum field theory, the ./03 physics/03 advancements/Introduction to modern astrophysics, an ./03 physics/03 advancements/spacetime (Taylor, Edwin and Wheeler, John)/01 Spacetime physics ./03 physics/03 advancements/spacetime (Taylor, Edwin and Wheeler, John)/02 Exploring black holes ./03 physics/Fundamentals of physics ./03 physics/Physics from symmetry ./03 physics/Teach yourself physics ./life sciences/Chemistry ./life sciences/Evolution ./life sciences/Genetics ./life sciences/Vertebrates ./life sciences/biology, 01 Biology ./life sciences/biology, 02 Biophysics ./life sciences/biology, 03 Biochemistry ./life sciences/biology, Molecular biology of the cell ./music theory/Cool math for hot music ./music theory/Exploring musical spaces ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/01 Africa ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/02 South America, Mexico, Central America, and the Caribbean ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/03 United states and Canada, the ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/04 Southeast Asia ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/05 South Asia ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/06 Middle East, the ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/07 East Asia ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/08 Europe ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/09 Australia and the Pacific islands ./music theory/Garland encyclopedia of world music, the/World's music, the; General perspectives and reference tools ./neuroscience/Active inference ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/addiction, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/adolescence, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/bilingualism, the Cognitive neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/cognitive neuroscience, Fundamentals of developmental ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/creativity, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/expertise, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/intelligence, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/memory, Cognitive neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/sleep and dreams, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cambridge fundamentals of neuroscience in psychology/suicidal behavior, the Neuroscience of ./neuroscience/Cerebral cortex ./neuroscience/Principles of neural science ./neuroscience/Theoretical neuroscience ./neuroscience/intelligence/G factor, the