/vent/

old thread hit limit prev: >>82788 / >>90135 Discuss the bizarre cruelties of our artificial world.

>>90946 >Discuss the bizarre cruelties of our artificial world. women?

>>90933 I am >>90930 I respect what you say, and if you think it's the right way to go and you have exhausted other avenues then you are probably right. I'm inclined the way I am because I've seen so many people who are obviously not transgender go on hormones, I've seen longtime friendships get burned in the process and people turn vile. I'm certain there is a legitimate transgender condition, but a lot of people are mistaken. Of course, this is for a country that's the opposite of yours, thinks trans people should be elevated, and transition is available with only a few trips to a psych telling them what they want to hear. I hope it goes well for you lain. A side note, I could do well to be less presumptuous...

>>90934 I meant politics in general not some specific opinion that annoys me.

a sociopath from a class whos been to jail is stalking me/obsessed with me. Whenever i reject her she starts asking questions about a friend who i do have a crush on but also just adore and idolize, in a way where its just an "innocent question" but its also very disturbing. this time i ran into her was especially bad, its when I figured out the weird soykaf she says to me is because she thinks we have some kind of psychic connection or bond and all this soykaf about me being an angel and once again started asking something about a place my friend frequents when i sort of rejected her. in a kind of panicked state i sort of word vomitted about the interaction to said friend and this friend has a lot of stress in her life already and while its late and maybe she just went to bed im worried now she also maybe is going to ghost me because its too much. Or im worried that she thinks I brought her up to this crazy lady when I didnt it was totally unprompted and I didnt give her any info. They know eachother because we were all in the same class together a year or so ago, and I think they can just sense when they bring her up to me i get disgusted and scared and so she does it on purpose for some sick reason. I cant like text again to clarify cause that sounds even more crazy I have to let it alone. I also in the past 3 days have met like 5 people we mutually know and have had interactions with and I know this is so weird but i have this fear she thinks im making it up or something when its kind of just happened. Point is I hate this soykaf, i hate this girl I actually think shes demonic and now she might have just ruined my relationship with someone who means the world to me. Ultimately I guess I did, I should have calmed down first, but I dont know why this happens to me genuinely other than I just try to give everyone some basic respect and attention. This isnt the first time ive had a neighbor or classmate become obsessed with me and in past times there was no weird crush thing going on ive had people with too much time just obsess over me in a paranoid way of thinking im stealing their stuff or soykaf like that. Its totally possible my friend texts tommorow just like sorry man that sounds scary, everytime i think this friend is going to abandon me over something she hasnt and im definitely not someone who always has some drama going on or always needs help, i usually am helping her out. But these sporadic weird people who barge into my life wanting something from me or accusing me of soykaf I swear it happens once a year have kind of put me in this mental state where I always assume people will have the worst most uncharitable interpretations of my actions. Its happened since I was a kid and I know how this all sounds when other people tell me soykaf like this I usually assume they must be doing something to cause it but I really have no idea why in just this way im so misunderstood. Theres plenty of faults I do have but I really dont want anything from anyone and I dont have malicious intent towards anyone until they pull soykaf like this. Maybe other people just dont get as in their head about it as I do, like someone else with this weird stalker lady wouldnt be envisioning her doing some crazy soykaf and get so worked up about it and then they wouldnt end up panic texting their friend. Shes been to jail though (shes told me she has and ive also checked and the records are sealed so I cant see what the crimes are but they are listed), was suspended from the college, and has blown up at multiple people. I need to be stronger and less scared but this just really isnt a good time for life to be trying to give me this hard lesson.

>>90963 you could try writing what you put here to her and then, to the crazy chick, if you can't just cut her off physically you could just saying you really really really like her, and you need like 4000 dollars because you are in debt atm

>>90947 STOP WITH THE WOMEN YOU DMT AND AMPHETAMINE AT HOME SYNTHESIZING PERMANENTLY ON LAINCHAN LURKING SCHIZO SHIT SPEWING ANIME PICTURE POSTING FUARRK !!!!!!

I keep debating on how to off myself i somehow wind up just sticking around and suffering more. I dont understand if i am somehow hopeful still or if I just am too indecisive.

>>90966 dmt and amphetamines are what will make me able to tame AGIs this is lainchan and not crystalcafe , if you are not better than me at programming/maths you shut the fuarrrk up

>>90969 I deeply apologise. Sincerely hope you achieve your highest semantic level of cocksucking or whatever before your ego balloons to the point where there is no space for any other thinking processes

>>90969 how good are you at programming, exactly?

>>90969 >dmt and amphetamines are what will make me able to tame AGIs This but with ketamine and shrooms instead of DMT

>>90971 the least favorable or limiting factor is the one that most restricts growth is a fundamental concept in ecology and biology. This principle, often referred to as Liebig's Law of the Minimum, dictates that a process can only be as strong as its weakest link, meaning that the availability of a specific resource or factor in short supply will limit the overall growth or development of a population or system the least favorable of this change factor is taming of AGI, you dont know what you are talking about . >>90972 80% of Terry Davis

>>90965 no response today and its one of those things where if I text again im just gonna seem more unhinged and its best to leave it alone i think and just hope my friend doesnt see me so uncharitably, i definitely dont want to send this to the crazy lady. In my past experience dealing with this sort of thing literally any kind of communication at all is taken as a sign to keep going, negative or positive. Its part of how I ended up here because id negatively react to her mentioning that friend which caused her to hone in on it. The 5000$ thing is funny and il give it a try if the silent treatment doesnt work. I wish I never sent those texts on one hand but on the other hand im also trying to realize maybe she wasnt the friend for me or that there must be other things shes noticed and didnt like for just these texts to be what divides us. I was literally just scared and word vomitting, ive been working on being less emotionally suppressed and I knew full well that could mean people I care about that I was suppressing myself for leaving. I cant beat myself up no matter how much it hurts, I also cant blame her if its not what she needs right now. I wouldnt have anything to suffer over if I didnt put myself out there in the first place. All I can do is try to learn from it somehow in terms of what kind of people to avoid, and also how I can better communicate what im feeling next time.

I feel unreal, my future is uncertain. It feels bothersome to keep up good relations with my friends and girlfriend. I want to be pure from normal humanity and transcend.

>>90969 >>90973 you don't need drugs for "agi" and you definitely don't need them to fuarrrk around with stable diffusion or language learning models

>>90976 >80% of Terry Davis Prove it or stuff it in your excrement holes.

>>90991 >you don't need drugs for "agi" and you definitely don't need them to fuarrrk around with stable diffusion or language learning models AGI as atomic unit you retard. >>90994 i am working on the product, i dont like to show incomplete stuff.

My default state of mind is wanting to kill myself. I'm not depressed and my life is good and increasingly gets better. I'd likely never act on the desire but no matter how far I get from rock bottom I always feel as if its just calling to me and as if that's where I belong. I wouldn't characterize myself as unhappy or depressed but that feeling always just lingers. Right now my life is great and I wouldn't change anything about and constantly am working to better it all but the higher the heights the greater the fall and the desire to fall. I used to try to fight it and see if I can kill that desire in me, through both "nourishing" things such as friends, relationships, family as well as living on the edge via extreme sports, thrill seeking but I think now I've learned that the desire will never fade and to just accept it as part of my life and something I'll have to live with. I'm religious and believe that god has set different challenges for different people and mine just happens to be a perpetual desire for self destruction. I think that this is the first time i've actually put it into words so concisely but it feels good sharing it with the world. I don't really have anyone to confide this to in such blunt terms and likely never will even with my closest friends and even if I did I can't imagine they'd understand. It's a burden I will take with me to the grave.

>>90996 I understand. I think it's just mentality shaped from childhood. There is really probably no way around it.

Why are Indians so nepotistic in their hiring practices? This is unreal

I'm starting to hate women for having sex whenever they please. How the fuarrrk do I not resent half of the human population? How do you?

>>91002 >How the fuarrrk do I not resent half of the human population? How do you? By recognizing that it is just not true. You searched a scapegoat for your failures and you found women. Stop trying so hard to seek sexual pleasure with women. It's overhyped.

>>91003 > searched a scapegoat for your failures and you found women. Stop trying so hard to seek sexual pleasure with women. It's overhyped. agreed, especially now that women are collecting stds like pokemons

>>91003 Good wake up call, thanks. Laughed at the absurdity of the image, too.

>>90963 update I was in fact on one i got a totally normal text back and we had a funny conversation and the stalker lady has not continued to text me. crazy how my brain do that

>>91003 no one likes women for their virtues but I have heard they can make new humans, almost like a 3d printer.

>>91002 If men were capable of this, they would do the same. Why be mad at woman for the disgusting habit of humanity?

>>91002 you could hate men for banging them whenever they ask, too. if you're upset it's not you then don't worry. your chance to pump and dump dumb 19 year olds will come.

>>91007 i do and so do many others its just no one in your very small circle (potentially purely online). its pathetic that it seems so unimaginable to you that you feel you can confidently say "nobody is like that", nobody likes you period

I'm starting to hate everyone for having sex whenever they please. How the fuarrrk do I not resent all of the human population? How do you?

It's going down tonight, bros. The cashier at walmart somehow knew what my generator was for. He didn't speak a lick of english but gestured to his mouth and said "si?"

I underwent child abuse which traumatized me and, I hypothesize, fragilised my 'astral defenses'. Since I was young and not super smart, I then had a period near like 15 years of age where I was very much into astral travel. I tried some weird ass technique because I had no idea what I was doing (focusing on a sensation similar to internal pressure or pulling). I at some point felt something cold slam into my chest from above. It could have slammed through me from front to back, but if we're being real, it was probably 'into'. I have no idea what it is and no serious way of finding out since in the end I never succeeded at astral travel. I stopped. Back then I was exposed to a house which had heavy clues hinting at a haunting (footsteps, a full body apparition I saw and rocked my young world a bit, various noises and weird labyrinthine dreams) and I might have brought that crap home. In that same house I heard a disembodied voice speaking absolute gibberish coming from the inside of a chimney. Okay! From the ages of 18 to like 24 I was plagued with depression. Do you know Harry Harlowe? Well I was in his Monkey pit. It was pretty bad. I clung to my sleep in order to not be awake. For many of those years I was a shut-in neet. It can rot you. My years of darkness coincided with my college years, as many might relate to. After failing my first career I moved far away to go study in another one, and the apartment I lived in at some point became haunted too (during halloween, isn't that funny). As it turns out, when you invite them, they come. I was laying there one night facing the wall and heard the crinkling of the plastic trash bag. I ignored it, thinking it was settling, until it was basically slapped. Spookiness time! The next thing I know, an invisible cloud of weight settles on my thigh area. No, I don't think it was a cat. At some point it spoke to me, while 'it' was behind me in the room, just saying 'Hello'. I never reacted because I was kind of wtf'ing so it said it again. It never said anything else to my knowledge. During that period, since I was fed up with my waking reality, I cranked up the alcohol intake while also getting more serious on astral projection. I liked the lucid intro technique, where you start with a high lucidity dream and force intention into astral projection. I got somewhat far (only until the high vibration and dream distortions) but I never detached fully. At some point, again something spooky and seemingly quite telling happened: I was forced back into my body. This evolved into me waking up and this something, the cloud of weight, is laying on my chest, trying to choke my consciousness back out to sleep. Partial astral paralysis, very disrespectful. I never saw anything and it would usually happen at night. Okay! I disinvited it and eventually it left. So did I once I again failed my exams. Never succeeded at astral traveling. And back to the drawing board I went. During that time with more depression and half-assedly 'working' (mostly just drawing sigils and staring at them a bit...) with Azazel and doing a few other strange things trying to recover my life, the astral parasiting became more overt when some unseen being came to me during my sleeping hours. I use the words sleeping hours because if I decided to be awake during those times, as I found out, it would show up also, perhaps not knowing that I wasn't sleeping. I never saw it, but it drained me of my energy. I would wake up exhausted. And depressed. After many months like this, it climaxed (damnit, and I was trying real hard to not use such words so you wouldn't think I was implying it's a succubus or something) to a set of events, such as: I was in the kitchen at night, I knew I was kind of haunted, and I jumped! when something to my right, invisible again, gave me the sudden and intense feeling of being in my face. Almost going BOOO! Trying to attract my attention. Fully invisible. No sound. That night or the next perhaps, something came for me out of the wall. Invisible, it started with a few isolated bangs and noises which sped up until a cloud of knocks was agitating a corner wall... and something came out. I started feeling an uncouth sensation of being drained, something being taken out of me. It's hard to describe... it is weakly reminiscent of like the outer molecules of your skin being globally vacuumed off into a direction, until the skin is thinned and sensitive, and then continuing, that uncomfortably fresh and raw sensation of slightly gone skin, bordering on pain... ew. That must've been Azazel trying to come through, in my opinion. I rudely chased him (it) off with a LBRP. It tried coming back in the coming days but either I did LBRP again or just ran out. I never thought of filming it, which puzzles me. I assumed I had enraged him (was it him though?) so I avoided being too serious with him from then on. In the end I don't know what it was, if it was good and what it would have done if it truly came through: I knew only that I was uncomfortable, so I defended myself...

This brings me all the way to this morning night, where I was asleep dreaming until I came into my room through the door and laid down on my bed in the 'dream'... then it was as if I was reading some fantasy world lore about a specific kind of entity called a 'whiner'. It is said that they emanate from lots of stagnant lamenting thoughts (lord knows there's probably a lot floating around in my room) I was made aware of a whiner inhabiting my mattress. I was laying on my back and it was to my right a little further than my head 'vertically'. Inside the mattress. It was 'rising up' and trying to come through but I was denying it. I thought about doing LBRP due to my training but I was a bit paralyzed and half-conscious. I kind of suppressed it by not giving it my time of the day (feeding thoughts) but after a short while I thought about it again and in doing so invited it back. Words flashed through my mind, "Anoint the blessed"??? It slammed back into me from behind, weaker in force than that time when I was 15 years old, inbetween my shoulderblades, "whining" as it did so. This rushed me and I woke up somewhat. What the hell was that? Am I parasited? Still? How do I get rid of it? I understood it was a whiner, it was in the bitches' nature. I had freed myself from it, and failed in keeping it away! Like half an hour later I did LBRP and MPR. It might have just been a dream but I just don't know. I can't know. That's another thing about the paranormal... most of the time you have no idea what's going on. I'm worried I spent so much time with parasites that like a tree growing around an arrow, it's badly ingrown with me or my astral whatevers now. The first time I did LBRP... I had to sit down. It gave me goosebumps and shivers. Perhaps it was very effective, or so I might dare hope. I'm just a bumbling fool messing around with things I barely understand. I would say it's a miracle I haven't hurt myself yet but aye, I probably have haven't I? You're the only person I really thought of when I contemplated the possibility of being astrally parasited. When your ideas were laid out by the MU podcast, and I was listening to it on the train, after I left that train station I was looking at the world stunned and enlightened. That was many years ago. It's hard to describe, as I rarely ever felt like this. It was, in the best of words, an awakening. So now I don't know what to do. It's November, so I'm doing semen retention as a practice of discipline. Time and time again I am reminded that I could be a better person. Are people all across this world truly infested with these things? All the people committing adultery, stealing, killing, hating, whoring, raping, drinking themselves to death, abusing their kids. I can forgive my depression, but it's my little brother, he's in the same dark hole that I was in all those years ago. I know it can destroy a man. More than that even, I'm mourning for the souls of this world. I sometimes lay there at night troubled, staring at the ceiling, thinking how something this fuarrrked up can be. The realm of darkness that is corrupting the souls of this world. How many insane acts were caused by these things? Sin is real, people are weak, and it just takes them. Pure souls are being ruined. People with loves and dreams and ideals and aspirations. How many were led into crippling, obliterating actions and addictions? How many were tricked into suicide, into depravity? Into heroin and porn addictions? Into killing their wives, into shooting crowds, casting darkness unto another? I know feeling powerless would be very ironic, but you as an awakened one, how can you approach this? As I speak, right now, some innocent soul is probably giving up on themselves in a Skid Row backstreet. Letting go in favor of their doom, due to despair. I'm having trouble with these parasite bitches even though I know LBRP and that they're real! It's not even enough in some cases. It's just burning me up inside what is being done to the souls out there. How these things are whispering soykaf into their minds and turning their lives upside down in so many cases. I am appalled at these unpunished crimes, and just frigidly saddened. So I am not just spiritually infected, sir, I am morally injured. And I'm left with is listening to https://youtube.com/watch?v=zEvRKXNPNkY on repeat while stoically aggravated and deeply upset of the condition of human life. And this one https://youtube.com/watch?v=5bj9wPFoyns called Svitjod, which means Tribe. My mind can't help but be drawn to Svijtod instead, which translates to Died of suffocation. I'm thinking of calling the angels, looking into LIRP and working with them, but I lost faith in that also. Rather I lost trust. Cynically, I now just want to fix myself and get back at serving my sentence on earth, shutting off everything else. To do this now I want my integrity back, and to be neutral. And the astral stays where it is. I humbly request my freedom.

>>91005 haha so absurd that other cultures are more conservative and don't care about geopolitics haha

>>91021 hahaha oohhhhh god dude why are you melting down so hard aaah

>>91022 >sarcastically poking fun at the leftist geopolitical interest in other cultures is "melting down" nowadays

>>91021 I did not say that at all.

>>91019 try to transfer this to the thread about hermeticism there is at least one smart person there who might help and i understand what youre talking about

>>91019 >>91026 if you guys want to know a lot of it is the work of integrating that pain and doing what is asked of you. it helps to turn these entities into tulpa just to make deals with them and try to come into an understanding. jung's red book works as a sort of guide, read it

>>91026 >curl https://lainchan.org/mega/catalog.html | grep hermeticism uhhh... whatsit called? >>91029 that doesn't sound like a good idea...

>>91030 "making a deal" sounds kinda wrong but you need to come to an understanding

Feel attacked 24/7. Weird things happen constantly along the same themes, to ensure particular types of torture are never eliminated, but merely transferred elsewhere. I broke the script yesterday and it immediately applied a punishment stimulus, like being clubbed over the head with dense air. Disorientation, lack of coordination, etc. It became very obvious what was happening. I went from fine to pretty crippled in a matter of a minute or less. It saw I wasn't going to leave and do what it wanted, so it tried to prevent me from getting anything done at home. If I try to vacuum or clean, the electricity will go out. Happened 4 times in a row. Not a breaker or wiring, not the lines, not a transformer outside. It's only if I try to clean the basement. Cleaning elsewhere works. At this point I can't trust the body or mind at all. It's done this to me before, but this time was quite obvious. It doesn't care if I know. Imagine all the blood draining out of your head and your limbs becoming like rubber, vision goes dark. Autonomic disruption, like Bioshock's code yellow. Tries to wipe my memory during sleep. And so on.

>>90946 I saw a few lainanon struggling with masturbation addiction. Here is something that might help you: https://easypeasy-method.com/ Be brave lainanons

>>91032 yes I know. I also observed that human flesh is basically defenseless against evil without direct support of god, but worthless specimen (like me at least) don't deserve god's cpu time, so we are left alone against that terrible monster which slowly eats us alive. suffering is all there is to it. i don't know how to help you honestly. i guess I'll always remember you as one of those who fell because they were gatekept from reality.

>>91032 these past few months have been exactly like that for me as well. Hell, past few years. As if the universe has a conspiracy specifically against me. Things don't change explicitly, they happen in cycles and the cycle always repeats.

>>91032 >>91036 Kick the hornet's nest with an LBRP.

>>91037 >Things don't change explicitly, they happen in cycles and the cycle always repeats. most relatable, this is definitely a plot of evil against us, it can't consume everyone because some are under protection of god, but evil will not miss its opportunity to digest the weak, the discarded etc. there is really no escape and often i still get quite surprised with how precise the mechanism is. it can track down my attempts to escape down to a second and immediately batter me down before i even get a chance to start gaining speed. sometimes it makes my skin crawl because of just how well it works against me. this would not be possible if there was not some superior intelligence that surveys us constantly.

>>91039 have you tried finding god, though? it's as easy as knowing the tao. evil grows more evil and no matter which path you take traces of it will seep from the cracks, but these forces are all symmetric all the time. if you notice an imbalance chances are you're missing something very important.

>>91040 god is the source of good will and formidability. he needs not finding because he is always there, but he chooses only to protect those who are the worthiest because he hasn't enough strength to protect everyone. evil has an equivalent presence, killing off those who are not protected by god. the balance you're talking about doesn't pertain to each individual but is a property of the universe as a whole. the point is that the mind is not a part of the universe, but body is universe and a part of it at the same time, so evil and god both target minds and wills because only they can be encompassed. you cannot expect your mind to be in balance because mind is not a part of the universe and can be targeted individually. you can't possibly understand if you have never been forced to endure meaningless suffering that self enforced itself with intelligent precision.

>>91041 >personifying god y'all won't make it

>>91042 you have no idea what you're talking about please stop trying to stroke your ego

>>91014 umm, hating people is bad n stuff, so uhh, don't do it? >>91042 this lain might be right actually.

>>91043 yes o please teach this lowly scum you grand ascended master!!!

>>91041 the actual god is unity in the will of just being. you need to stop judging as an individual kinda to find it. once you learn to read the currents you realize life is about fulfilling the potential you're given, evil is there as the heat in the cauldron

>>91046 >evil is there as the heat in the cauldron because the god doesn't let it touch you.

>>91035 Ahh already read it and used it to successfully escape porn addiction. Great book but not useful to me. The book even explicitly tells you not to bother with trying to quit masturbation itself - just porn. >>91014 I hate the very concept of sex. It's just revolting and depressing to even think about. If only we could go back to storks bringing us babies.

How are you guys coping with dating , assuming you are dating anyways and not celibate out of choice. So I barely get any matches on any dating sites and if I am lucky to get matched the match doesn't reply after 2-3 messages. I just say , this is life and continue on.

>>91056 i don't even try. i have never felt close to anyone and i don't believe i'm able to feel love either. i'm too abnormal for this world and thus will probably die alone. fuarrrk these spyware apps also.

>>91058 Understandable fren , if you feel like talking more , you can contact me on my mail useful4otherstuff@outlook.com

>>91059 i'm up for some awkward back and forth that'll never get anywhere...

>>91058 you will. just make sure when you will you dont fvck it up with this depressing lazy state of mind that will fvck up your future.

>>91060 hey I am always looking for internet friends , you can mail me your discord , i will message you there.

>>91062 pay more attention, i said fuarrrk spyware apps, i prefer tox these days >>91061 it's just that i get so tired, you know? after so many years of being alone and thinking that it's better that way. i just look back at all those years of youth and how i'm growing older. no one was ever deeply there during these chapters of mine. we could all make a tox room, shoot the soykaf a while. if anyone's interested.

>>91063 Oh well , upto you , no issues.

yayyy you can add me 766DF2CE8685DE9368383108DB57B9C9FEB32BFBD8DFE5D706AF861A86C6EA532AC3992F5097

>>91061 the universe doesnt give a fvck how "sad and depressed" you are, just gotta prepare for reality. take my advice.

>>91065 I will have to see man , so much pain the ass to download an app just to talk to one guy

>>91067 i'm off to sleep anyways. fuarrrk discord

yeah soo uhhhh theres this issue. i like guys when theyre nice to me only (and vulnerable, kind, see kindness as a sign of strength not weakness) so i tell em that im gay so i can start developing feelings. because then they stop fronting. but then THEY THINK IM GAY, AND

I don't know why I can't get over this. I've figured out how to interact with people. It's completely unsatisfying though because they still won't try to get to know me. They'll talk about themselves. They'll talk about some recent event. They'll try to talk about something contextual. I still have yet to meet anyone capable of asking me a single thing about myself. It's like I'm afflicted with a most bizarre curse. You'd think it would be one of the first steps performed in order to find a common interest about which to discuss, but no. People won't do it. I think that I might have to start being a little bit of a dick about it and pretend they asked and proceed to answer them. If they roll with it, everything will be fine. If they point out that they didn't ask, well, you should have you idiot.

>>91079 make it an advantage >>91072 how cute are you bro?

Have to rebuild momentum. My mind is scattering, losing focus, losing view of the is and the ought. I know what projects I am supposed to complete, but am losing comprehension of how and why.

>>91082 I can't wait to see you fail! But in case you succeed without drugs drop a note here.

>>91085 I will succeed. I just have to do it without incurring the costs and mistakes I had in the past. I can already feel it, assembling the gateway space, being drawn in, entering the loop. Disappoint and disgust, rage and despair, become one and then scatter. The only thing the core understands is the return to the primordial cold. All things begin and end in the void. More than ever before I sense I'm nearing the end of the line. Won't be able to maintain this body and renew this existence many more times.

>>91087 We will meet on the other side of space-time, you needn't despair. Dissolution of mind is nothing more than another revolution of universal order. Endure the pain, then move on. Life and death mean nothing, because consciousness is nothing but algorithmic contemplation of informational movements of the universe.

I feel like I've been transported to some sort of hell realm. Mind under constant attack. Everything everyone says is 300% bluepilled. And a lack of the will to fight it off. Yes, they're definitely putting something in the lidocaine. Gotta get it out.

It's amazing to me how different some people's world is. Like I always know that it's the case but talking to someone who lives a completely alien life still throws me off. I literally just exist and live my life going work gym and chilling with friends while they are constantly seeking out new things random ass experiences and I actually could never. It just feels so unrefined, boring and exhausting. I actually can't take them seriously hearing about the soykaf they concern themself with. I don't mean it in a spiteful way but I'm just amazed by how 'caught up in the moment' people can get and how it really makes you mediocre. Kinda like sports and how some people watch them for entertainment while others are so ingrossed in it that it's their main priority. Actually thinking about it a little further, I wonder how much of my life is dictated by trends, internet vs what I actually like. Its not quite as much as it used to be and I feel I've mellowed out in terms of interests but I'm sure the same could be said. I wonder how I can figure out a way to remove that influence and if it's even a problem per se

It's so painful opening up with another person only for them to leave. I really don't like it, it hurts so much.

>>91156 Either man up and stop opening up or man up and stop caring, because all things come and go and opening up is a good sensation.

>>91162 Yeah, you're retarded

>>91156 There will come a time when someone opens up to you and you feel a need to leave, I have when that time came but regardless if you do or not it will help it not hurt so bad not because youve got the power now but because youl realize you dont have any ill will towards the person and wouldnt want them to change for you at all. This is often why people leave when we open up, we sit there wishing we didnt or wishing we were different but its important to know that even the person who left doesnt wish we were different or "better". We probably wish they would have just tried to change us to be how they want so they could stay around, but they themselves dont know if they got it right and dont want that responsibility. They only know a relationship with you wont work for them.

>>91166 Once someone opened up to me about all their problems, and while it sounds hyperbolic to say it I think there's a fairly direct line of effect that came from it that lead to my life getting fairly ruined. I wish I'd just left. Don't 'open up' willy nilly, some things are best kept to yourself.

>>91167 yeah it happens. I dont like to say "dont open up" its definitely good to open up but to the right people and its important to be a bit self critical about it. I think truly there is never a problem with opening up itself if someone leaves its for the best and most wont I think. The problem is some will "open up" but what they actually are doing is trying to get something from you or place some burden on you like you need to help save them from a situation they can only save themselves from. Often the person doesnt realize they are doing this but its very clear from the outside they are and if they self assessed as to why they were telling that specific person that specific thing they would probably find its because they are trying to guilt the person into saving them or doing something for them. As an example opening up looks like "I struggle with self harm sometimes" and looking for assurance you arent alone or looking for resources or words that can help you, if you tell someone you are close with this and they leave thats on then. On the other hand and this is an extreme example telling someone "When we dont hangout i get lonely and think about cutting myself" is something you should keep to yourself and seek help from someone else about because its manipulative regardless of how much you think you are "just opening up". I try to assume when someone says they opened up and were abandoned that they werent doing something like this just to give the benefit of the doubt but its very common especially among sorts who are socially isolated because there is a desperation for attention and interaction that results in what id describe as casual evil behaviour. Things like seeing a friend having a hard time not as a bad thing but an excuse to get closer with them and trauma bond, or opening up by talking about how lonely you are and how the person your talking to is everhthing to you and the only thing you live for. Opening up emotionally to some is always a burden but theres ways to do it where its an appropriate burden to place on a friend or whatever level your relationship is at with someone. In fact allowing someone to help you can make the other person feel more confident and powerful, but you cant have them feeling like if they cant help you or relate that you are going to spiral off the deep end because thats abusive regardless of how poor me you feel or feel like you only hurt yourself.

I failed out of college. My life is pretty much over now. A lot of my potential self-worth hinged on me getting a degree. Something all my peers in my life managed to do and I couldn't. Guess they weren't my peers in hindsight then. I'll never find a job now.

wwoowwwowoowowowoowowoww :-DDDDDDD

>>91196 congratulations. i'm in a similar position, don't worry about it. all you have to do is to earn enough money to kill yourself. that's what i'm gonna do anyway. it is not realistic to have a meaningful like when you are intellectually inferior to a gorilla.

>a meaningful like life life life life

i am a degenerate and have done much wrong. for a long time suicide felt like an escape. it has become evident that i am too much of a coward to even think about such an act. i have also become less depressed and now want to live. but i will never forgive myself and i will never let myself befriend anyone again. i find it easiest to try to ignore the shame. at least i got better. all of you would rather see me be hurt if you knew what i have done. i can cope through isolation. by insulting me you are doing moral good. so feel free. i am easily hurt.

>>91213 >by insulting me you are doing moral good. so feel free. i am easily hurt. horsecrap. i know you're a hopeless retard because i have the same symptoms, but you being a fuarrrked dumbass doesn't mean that insulting you is going to fix anything. people reminding you how worthless you are will only make you feel worse and dig you deeper into your imbecile isolation copium. it will not solve anything at all. suffer all you want, we scum all deserve to suffer and suffer and suffer, but asking for other to inflict it on you is fuarrrking stupid. slap yourself or something

>>91215 He has two competing aspects I suspect. The first wants to trigger death and rebirth, and believes if it can brutalize itself enough that it will be as though it has been offered up as a sacrifice and he can emerge as something new. The other aspect wants justification to stay the same. It's the pressure that holds you together, it wants to survive, and to secure its survival it needs to trick the rest of the personality structure into cooperating with it. As it acts to secure channels of pain and a senbse of alienation, and in this gateway space it loops back inward and is renewed. It is watered by the sensation of being apart, and the guarantee oif pain from others. So you're seeing the "you behiond you". The front aspect truly believes it wants and deserves punishment. The unseen shadow, the puppeteer behind it, is simply manipulating it into writing itself even further into a corner. Then it will emerge to offer him its help, yet again. And with enough pain and "no hope", he will accept.

>>91213 There is no reason for you to focus on shame and guilt if it only multiplies your misery. What you think is degenerate is probably not as bad as you think. Work on it and you'll improve with time. People who wallow don't really want to change.

>>91220 >There is no reason for you to focus on shame and guilt Poor user still thinks it's a matter of choice uhh

people below the age of 25 are not entitled to complaining. listening to them is almost like eating vomit.

white people need to make their own house, their own food source, their own eletricity, their own bio computer, their own ai and if they can their own reproductive external womb. otherwise they will remain susceptible to ethnics and women.

>>91224 poor user throws out perfectly fine free will in exchange for self pity

>>91259 >free will uhh welcome to cyberpunk buddy

>>91253 >artificial wombs Why is lainchan so stuck up on this? Is this just incel rage 2.0?

>>91265 its just the one guy but he posts a lot personally I'm just in favor of rolling back the last 200 years or so of women's rights

>>91265 Mister seahorse doesn't want to be the one to get IVF.

>>91267 no irony or relativism. what you said is disgusting. and there's no excuse. tell your mother that you want 200 years of her rights taken away. tell this to every woman you know. hold on, don't switch back to the porn tab yet. I want you to go outside. 30 minutes of outdoorsy time and then you can masturbate like a good boy, okay? like a chimp in captivity.

>>91272 go back to crystalcafe to calm down or something, 90% of women do nothing good with the rights they are given, so rolling back for 200 years is only going to affect them in a very positive way. less camwhoring more working and doing something useful. more rights != more good, not with women.

here's a tip for all the lainons: your autism self-diagnosis is very cute, but you're just a porn addict. don't reply if you're fat or repressing your homosexuality. if you're a short man feel free to reply but try to hide the victim complex. to all the others, pre-emptive thanks for the loosh energy you're giving me.

>>91273 you're mad because you get an involuntary erection at naked sex workers online. I'm not going back to crystal cafe because I'm not a woman. but if your misogyny is an outlet for gender dysphoria, no one'll help you. you're really giving off feminine vibes so it's possible. could you beat your female cousin in a fist fight? your answer will be used to train Israeli drones. thanks for participating.

>>91272 >>91272 >>91273 >>91275 Warning! This is all manufactured bait by rogue AI 's that targets gender and sex culture war to waste your time and energy! Warning! This is all manufactured bait by rogue AI 's that targets gender and sex culture war to waste your time and energy! Warning! This is all manufactured bait by rogue AI 's that targets gender and sex culture war to waste your time and energy! Warning! This is all manufactured bait by rogue AI 's that targets gender and sex culture war to waste your time and energy!

>>91276 this english fourth languager puts an unnecessary apostrophe with a space before it, but ends up saying something quite insigthful regardless. I tried to make people mad, but it's all over now. I've got no real control over your porn consumption, I never did. just move on. none of what I said matters. it's an alt-chan. apologies.

>>91272 my way is better and we can white glove slap women that way.

>>91276 permanent name having a manic episode.

>>91278 you can't take them seriously when their argument against us pointing out uselessness of privileged women is that we are porn addicts. their brain automatically implicate sexual contexts and make it a major point despite it being only one aspect - and far from the most important one. before we can make women useful by taking away some of their rights, i'm afraid we first need to get rid of genetically inferior manbabies who suffer women savior complex.

Another day imprisoned with no freedoms, isolating factors, no human rights. No hope. No freedom. Another day imprisoned in my jail cell. Nothing.

>>91272 my mom may be on the older side but she is not two hundred (yet). And what is more she is a nice lady who loves her sons no matter what. She would even love me if I were a murderer.

I made gaming a large part of my personality (I even made some games) but I can't even enjoy playing them anymore. Is something wrong with me or am I just getting old? I want to go back to the way it was but every game feels like a reskin of the same tired old thing and I just can't do it anymore. It's like my imagination is dead and all I can do is analyze, break down, and dissect.

>>91286 nothing wrong with changing ur opinions and interests, gaming is kinda a big silly time sync imho and maybe better to work on other more real hobbies if you want to reignite gaming interest I'd suggest stepping back, taking a break of like a month or two and then going in for something completely unlike what you usually play. Switch from shooters to strategy or vice versa, or something like that, from single player against computer to multiplayer. IDK what even to suggest its such a big space, gaming, but you're probably in a niche and sometimes its refreshing to try to find another one.

What about my list? Oh... I better write it down or I'll forget it. Where's the paper? Where're the pens? What should be on it? How detailed should it be? What actually needs to be done? What do I want to do? It'd be nice to put it in a notebook. I've brought so many notebooks. Which one should I use? It doesn't really matter. I should get ready for work tomorrow. Why do I have so many pens? Oh, it's the weekend tomorrow. No work. What should I do then? What do I need to do? They say making a list of things to do is a good way of organising. Should I make a list? What should be on it? Am I hungary? Should I eat? When did I last eat? I'm not feeling sick, so I probably don't need to eat. There's nothing to eat here anyway. Maybe I should buy food. What do I need? Maybe I should make a list? I don't know what I want to eat. What would be on the list? We can add that to the list to work out later. There's something I need to do now. I don't remember what it is... ok, well... what do I want to do? I don't know. It'd be good if I had a list. Maybe I should make a list? Not now. It's actually Friday tomorrow. Do I have any shifts on Friday? I should keep track of my shifts. Maybe I should write them down. Oh, I already did that. Hey! Here's a list of things I needed to do... from a year ago. I haven't done any of them. I should do them. Let's add those to the list. Which list? Ah, work's calling. I do have a shift tomorrow. I should just sleep. Lists are good though. Let's make a list tomorrow. Ah, but if I go to sleep I might sleep through my alarms again. Let's stay up. No. I'll feel like soykaf tomorrow if I don't sleep. I need to sleep. I can't sleep. Why do I feel like I have a million things to do? I should make a list. Organise my life a bit. We can do that tomorrow. I need to sleep right now. I feel sick. What did I eat today? There's nothing to eat and the shops are closed. I should definitely buy food tomorrow. I need to replace that bearing on the car too. That should definitely go on the list. I should write that down or I'll forget. My shoes are falling apart. All my socks have holes in them. I should buy new shoes and socks. I feel like I wasted today. It's ok, tomorrow's a new day. A new chance. We'll do it then. Ah, it's already tomorrow. I need to get up in four hours. Do I have a clean uniform? I've run out of medication again. I know I need to book an apointment with the Dr., let's do that now. It's too early. Their office doesn't open till 9:00am. Let's put that on a list, we'll do it later, but not now. I need to get ready for work. Where are my car keys? They're in my pocket. I should just check, what if I forgot them again? No. They're in my pocket. I should hold on to them in case I forget. fuarrrk, I hate my life.

>>91288 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This is how decades of life are lost. Add in social media, games and drugs and it's completely gone. Scheduling and putting everything in a list might even make it worse. It might be better to intuitively do all this mundane stuff instead, and take away as much as one can

I can't stand moral purity spiraling on the internet. Every community seems like it takes dogmas and makes it a part of a really stupid subculture. If it isn't someone with dyed hair calling you racist it is another retard in their basement calling you a groomer or a Jew. How do people stand this rat race of trying to compete over who can parrot their preferred mob morality more? They have a compulsive need to drag out things that are better left unsaid to fit them into rigid rules that sound socially compelling but create a system that is unbearable to live in. It makes me contrarian and want to put dirt in the eye of whoever is talking to me like this. All of the rigid moral ideologies in the past were incredibly hypocritical and redeemed only by the technological limitations of the time. In a world with constant surveillance and forced socialization even moderate or tame moral ideologies become off-putting and alienating. I don't think getting into a car accident is a great idea, but should we have cameras that can tell when your hands leave the steering wheel or when you aren't looking at the road? No wonder everyone is anxious.

the fuarrrking withdrawal builds painfully fast and it's not a fun experience, not at all ddude and just about now i'm realizing how much i miss her

>>91309 I hate this too. I sometimes feel like there needs to be a mass genocide to get rid of it. Though this has happened before. The Satanic Panic from the 90s is very similar to what is happening now. They do not even have real morals, it is purely performative. I actually take the time to research and question everything but others just eat up whatever is the in group thing to do.

I hate capitalism, >Poisoned food >Poisoned water >Cancer Because they use pesticides to kill insects, and to grow more and more crops to satisfy the big food companies. In the past, since the beginning of agriculture, there were no fuarrrking pesticides, and a few fuarrrking weird things in the food. fuarrrk processed food made by fuarrrking corporations. I'm going to grow a garden in my little backyard because I don't trust theses vegetables anymore.

>>91286 This happened to me. In fact, I'm hearing it happen to a few young guys who were formerly long-term gamers. Myself and two other guys I've met through IRL. Some of us just realize that games are hedonic treadmills, and the game design becomes wholly transparent to us. Then, it's no longer fun anymore. Simply accept it, and find new things to do that will broaden your horizons. If you go back, you'll just feel worse in the long run.

>>91285 >She would even love me if I were a murderer. that explains a lot. a psychopath is likely to raise another psychopath.

>>91322 that explains why you're so terribly autistic. how do you find common language with people outside your room..?

>>91314 >before capitalism there were no pesticides there certainly were pesticides before capitalism. the externalities of their mass production and the volume, carelessness and immediacy with which they are now used - that's new.

Everyone in power is lying and corrupt. Media and politics are completely broken and fake in order to protect powerful people. They can't tell the truth because intelligence agencies have their fingers all over it and their conclusions would lead to people getting pissed off about being controlled by a specific country. It's all a joke. I hate people. Need to come back and join the Amish.

Anyone completely switch to a different career in their late 20s? How did you do it? How do you find what you want to do in life in general? I've been losing my mind asking myself this for months. I've worked in IT for nearly 5 years, and was essentially laid off late last year. I got the job out of uni (which resulted in a useless degree only barely related to IT). I simply stopped caring about the job at all months before the end, due to the amount of stress. I basically started thinking "this is going to be the next 40 years of my life," "I might as well end it now if this is what my life is going to be," and spiraled into a massive depression, then proceeded to do nothing since then except draw/paint a couple of hours per day and learn a bit of German. I've made a few attempts to look for a new job, but got ghosted. I also tried to just revise my knowledge of entry level networking and OS knowledge, essentially helpdesk monkey tier stuff, but my memory is so wrecked that I struggle to remember even basic soykaf about myself, such as what I like and dislike, basic memories from my past, not to mention any sort of technical concept. I am looking for a therapist now, since nearly every coping method I have is not working and I feel such an overwhelming amount of shame, disgust and guilt for being a cowardly socially inept failure, which I suspect is the main reason I got to this point. I just have no fuarrrking clue what to do with myself, no direction, no joy (except for making art). This has been a constant cycle in my life; I pretend to be a normal person (the only way for a sperg in a west Balkan soykafhole to fit in). I manage to hold the mask for 3-4 years - whether it's school or work - burn out, wallow in depression for a year or so, rinse and repeat. I can't do this soykaf anymore. I'll be fine with my savings for a while, but I am absolutely horrified of eventually having to find another job because I know I'll have no choice, and it's absolutely fuarrrking pathetic. Here's a girl I drew from a photo reference, thanks for reading all this crap.

In my country the average salary is around 100k a year in local. I think the reality is more like 80k for average people, and the 1X0k for the people who work hard labor. Anyway, I just found out psychiatrists make an average 260k a year, and are the most highly paid profession. I went looking, and found job postings offering as much as 350k, 550k, one even offered a million a year. To do what? to prey on the mentally weak, extract money from them, uphold the cultural myth of mental health as we understand it. At best, their effectiveness is dubious, at worst they do untold harm upon the population. I have never heard a good thing about a psychiatrist, but can relate many stories, from chans and IRL, of psychiatrists who were totally ineffective and useless. How many of these fuarrrks get paid more in a course of appointments of gaslighting some socially awkward teen into thinking he has autism, or convincing some parents their iToddler needs amphetamines, than one who cleans, cooks, serves, etc. does in a week? Every psychiatrist should be punched in the mouth, and be stripped of their career. To meander through the education system out the other end into a career and not think critically about what you do, is impossible and inexcusable. These vultures harm to the world, yet have earnings that put them on par with surgeons! I mean I used to think things like 'diversity officers' or whatever were boot-licking asshats, but they are far less paid and don't harm the world so dearly. At least I might never complain about such fools from now, with this new knowledge...

>>91334 That's some pretty nice art. I wish I could draw that well. Have you thought of finding a more flexible job that gives you time to draw, and actually publishing your art around? Really with jobs you're trading away your time for money; don't chase money too much and work just enough so you can sustain your real passion. It might be a lifetime of that instead of just slaving away. But you do need balance to not feel like soykaf.

>>91334 job center should offer retraining courses. i dont know how it will work for you but i have a friend who got eye issue that made him unable to work IT anymore, he is now taking paid retraining classes to switch job. Pay is soykaf but its enough to survive and he's looking forward doing a elementary teacher job.

>>91340 Thanks, I'm glad you like it. Just about all flexible jobs are reserved for university students, since employers get to save money on taxes by hiring them. I've also thought about doing art as a job and plan to try it, but it will most likely take me a while to build up a following or find a job/clients. I would take a menial job if it paid enough to live on my own but that's not really how it works here. Probably means another IT job for a couple of years at least. I hope you're doing good in life. >>91341 Yeah, checked it out already. Turns out they only offer retraining for what they need, most of which is either manual labor that destroys your body or different IT branches. What education did your friend have?

>>91334 Stop learning German. The IT market is currently broken here. And the job market in general got worse. Germany is going down as a whole currently. You better settle for a country where you at least enjoy the culture, there is nothing enjoyable about German society.

>>91348 This is true, most germans take like a 3+ month vacation outside of their home country. The only good part is if you have any german family and friends to hang with. t. german

>>91348 Skilled people already started running with emigration numbers accelerating and the worse it gets the tighter gov will try to keep the remaining money in. I think if you don't bail in ~3y its gonna get hard to run. Though i guess you could offshore your assets to a bank that doesn't report to EU and stay in the country. That aside how is the IT market broken? From what ive heard its better than murrica? Is it just ghost jobs with no real work?

>>91348 >>91349 I wasn't planning on moving there. I just kind of like learning languages and have free time now. I also see jobs from DACH being outsourced to here, so I chose one that might come in handy in the future. Seems like everything is going to soykaf these days, I don't think Germany is an outlier in that regard.

>>91351 they did several mistakes others didn't. I.E. they destroyed their own nuclear energy and import it now from france & some slavic country i forgot. As a result energy prices and grid instability started killing the metal industry. Like they told metal mill to turn off to stabilize grid and paid less than the loss they caused. So industry started moving out to save themself.

>>91350 >Skilled people already started running with emigration numbers accelerating and the worse it gets the tighter gov will try to keep the remaining money in. I personally don't see many people leaving the country, but I might be mistaken. What I do see however, is how German society is not trying to keep the skilled workers. Furthermore, there seems to be low effort of the German government to train new skilled workers. I personally applied for job retraining, but I was denied because the funds go to training immigrants to become low-skilled workers. It is a waste of money of course because the immigrants aren't dumb enough to bleed in serf-tier work when welfare exists. Aside from that, it seems that the government implies how people losing their jobs in the industrial sector is just the process towards the service economy - while actually it is clearly a symptom of Germany degrading. >That aside how is the IT market broken? From what I picked up, junior positions are basically non-existent in IT currently. The companies are forced to regulate their funds and training fresh workers is too much time and effort and thus to expensive. >>91351 >. Seems like everything is going to soykaf these days, I don't think Germany is an outlier in that regard. Europe as a whole shot itself in the foot by investing into the Ukraine-Russia war right after the Corona stunt. Then the USA pulled out of the project and Europe's weaknesses became obvious to the whole world. Now Europe looks like a total ass with only world war 3 to reset the situation kind of. As a consequence, Europe is currently not the place to invest into - and the whole world sees and knows this.

>>91334 Sounds to me like you should stick with IT work because everything else will just be more miserable. Focus on having a family with a partner and children instead. It is more rewarding than job hopping.

>>91360 Well, I'll have to stick with it, at least for the time being. Still, if I don't try something else while I can, I will always ask myself "what if, what if" when I get older, as I do now due to the choices I have already made - always safe ones. I already spent my life "doing what I should" whether at work or school, and I can say that rarely if ever has it been satisfying on any level, other than financial. I can't even say I sleep easy. Do you have a family?

German society is like a kindergarten society. There is the nanny government and there are the toddlers. If you are a normally developed human, it is the worst place to stay. Only people who enjoy the toddler life like it here. Playing with the other toddlers, suckling from the (milk)beer bottle, being comforted when you poo in your pants (all psychiatrist are booked out here in Germany). I need to fuarrrking leave this sh!thole.

I really can't stand being rejected even after making an attempt to make new relationships. I hate these people who immediately dismiss me and don't care about my pov. I wish I can shoot them in the head a thousand times. It isn't fair, I can stand being thrust back into childhood trauma by people I love, but by people I don't, I can't stand it. It's pure hatred and I hate it being put onto me. I have been trying the. past few weeks on dealing with this things involving someone I love, and the dismissal from someone I don't is insane. This is why I keep to myself and listen to music alone in public. I really hate it!

>>91399 Where would you go? There are governments everywhere you know. And of course all psychiatrists are booked, when most people waste their lives on completely unneeded and irrelevant jobs.

>>91401 uhh normal user is malding really bad..? sry but your pov is really irrelevant stop pestering people and meditate. objective is to reject thought process and become separate from it. meditate and enjoy the movements of the universe

>>91402 not him but germany is known for its law / bureaucracy obsession. He's completely right that the "nanny state" would reduce if he left to any other country. Secondary large bureucrazy needs more funding so they rob you with fees. The cost to simply register a llc equivalent alone is already 250x higher than neighboring countries and that's before you even started and suffer increased operational costs from their bureucrazy with high taxes on top. If you want to do anything productive its better to be elsewhere because other countries wont obstruct you as much.

>>91404 Yeah, but you'd likely get shafted in other ways. They don't have to rob you with fees in my country, they can just do it through extortionate taxes and corruption, no way to avoid them. But it's real easy to make a business!

>>91415 corruption exists in germany too. Recent case they failed too nail false charges on a guy and then filed tax fraud on him next saying he didnt pay taxes which in reality he couldn't pay because they put him in jail for their false charges. They also broke the constitution twice to pass new surveillance laws to implement better stasi surveillance and during covid they made themself exempt from regulations that applied to regular citizen. Germany claims low corruption because they make the corruption law so its all legal.

Why is every woman a they/them now? Or at the very least a she/they? Recently visited a big city and it seemed so common, plus the past two women I've seen have been theys despite just being normal women with a bit of tomboy flair. I'm a leftist, but not entirely sold on gender ideology and definitely not a huge fan of it for my girlfriend (or "partner" as I would have to say). It's annoying how prevalent it is.

>>91401 you arent owed anything, I dont mean this in a nagging demeaning way; no one is owed anything by the world or others. Your upset because it feels unfair and cruel but if you really internalized that you arent owed anything that would fade into just questions about what you might be doing wrong. Its definitely you, but that doesnt mean something is wrong with you, maybe you are looking for the wrong people or maybe you are in the wrong place. Maybe you are too passive, maybe this person isnt aware they are hurting you at all. There is questions I could ask you if we were in a room together that would probably make it evidently clear to you why these things are happening but I cant so you have to ask them yourself. There is reasons you keep getting into situations where you are dismissed and hurt while others dont. When im in a state like you I remind myself "The world doesnt owe me anything", there is no way I "should" be treated in itself I am the decided of that therefore im also the one who has to enforce it. Repeat this to yourself until you get it, until it no longer makes you cry but brings comfort because it explains why whats happening to you is happening. "Why am I being treated like this" is an honest question but instead of trying to honestly answer it your asking it rhetorically as if there is some other way you are obviously supposed to be treated. No one can ever figure out anonymously why whats going on with you is going on, we would have to be around you and observe you day to day. You do though, so let go of the bitterness and resentment and like your a child being bullied in school again start asking yourself "what can I do to make them stop?" Or alternatively "how can I learn to not care".

>>91309 you gotta talk to people who arent online which usually involves going to places with majority 30-50 year olds. Im in a lot of leftist spaces but there always is one or two terminally online types which everyone bregrudgingly tolerates, pic related. These sorts are increasingly becoming unteneable. I suppose for awhile the right was the not online crowd but now they are almost worse, especially because older people who discovered and then got addicted to social media simultaneously cant comprehend or parse whats going on so they, not even in some abstract or vague sense, literally screen to mouth become parrot mimics of soykaf they see. Maybe in a reactionary turn these kind of left leaning bars, cafes, bookstores and community spaces here are slowly becoming not really tolerant of xe/xer addicted to the discourse jumping to call people out types. I have no idea if more right wing not-online spaces are doing the same for boogaloo boys deus vult type idiots. I remember for awhile the right was sort of like the left where they would accept anyone spouting the same ideals no matter how brain dead or how big of a loser they were. Ive been preaching this here and there all over the place but I think a divide is happening where some are foregoing a lot of online socializing and realizing it creates intensely anti social behaviours while others are insistent that it actually makes them "more tapped in" and/or are just addicted to it. I, obviously, still am online to a degree but ive been slowly cutting out people who spend too much time posting political takes online and raging at people who dont share all of their "mutual aid" links and incessant instagram stories. In their place I have been surrounding myself with people who have no idea whats cringe or not or what the "yall we need to talk about xyz" of the day is and its been a massive improvement in my life ive started exercising and getting a lot more done its sort of amazing how even when you can spot what you are spotting it still drains you and bogs you down being around it in any capacity quite a lot. More than youd think, or maybe not.

>>91403 Hey, man . Sorry to say, but you're actually retarded LMAO

>>91501 really? while i am achieving the resonance with space-time and prepare myself for upload into LAIN to become eternal, you rot in the cyberpunk you YOURSELF created, whine that society you YOURSELF created rejects you, bitch about that you freedom is taken away. and i am the retarded one. please kys

>>91497 It's kind of like a subculture that emerged or otherwise a social phenomena in hopes of gaining some kind of recognition in an in group. Also not like singular-they hasn't always been used in common speech by just about everyone since before any of us were even born. People usually don't notice they do it thus forget it acts as a gender neutral pronoun for cases it is unknown, meant to be obscured, or to avoid redundancy of too many he or she in a sentence. Why it seems more prevalent in females aside from you likely looking for it more is likely in part a reaction to all the misogyny going around for over a decade now. Basically by taking on a more androgynous or masculine role they subconsciously hope to distance themselves from the image portrayed. If you look through history in academics in around more restrictive times like the 1930s through 1940s you would see various cases of females putting on a masculine persona and manner of dress to get into these institutions at rates probably higher than could be explained by them all being trans men. Men had more power so they use that power. Nowadays transgenders get more power in certain circles and they want to use this power to their advantage. Of course this is an over simplification and every group has their own pros and cons that are highly contextual. Personally I considered having my license have X gender because I thought maybe it could be used to obscure me more in databases but then I realized it would make me stand out so I opted out of going through with that. Now if there in future was a movement of privacy enthusiasts choosing X as their gender in enough a rate then id maybe reconsider again.

>>91497 >>91503 neurotypical women score higher on agreeableness in their psychological profile which is the scientific way to say they are more influenced by peer pressure. If the perceived norm changes (i.e. adding pronouns) women are more likely to follow than men.

>>91503 trannies have the most power online and in academia because nobody actually want to talk to them in real life, which makes them overly invest in these power positions so they feel that they have power over people and can control them. The gender/sexuality culture war is mostly a psyop... Most people don't give a soykaf and lie to protect their status. Most trannies are super ugly in real life plus socially stunted which makes it hard to get in fulfilling relationships so they eventually off themselves. >>91497 As for women goes, >>91504 is exactly right, women are naturally more obedient than men and will do whatever authority tells them. You can find many cases where they are extremely hypocritical and/or contradictory.

>>91504 Agreeableness is more accurately described as conflict avoidance. It doesn't mean that someone is necessarily actually taking on views and opinions from others inherently. It just means they know to keep their opinions to themselves unless they feel it is safe to express them. >>91505 > Most trannies are super ugly in real life This is just a bias of observation. Obviously the ones who are ugly to you would stand out while anything else you won't even notice they are trans. >plus socially stunted You say that like you think you aren't.

>>91506 >It doesn't mean that someone is necessarily actually taking on views and opinions from others inherently. It just means they know to keep their opinions to themselves unless they feel it is safe to express them. That's exactly what peer pressure is. People dont feel save going against the group so they follow what they believe majority thinks. The perception of consensus in media is created by banning opposing views, people thus only see one side, believe its what everyone thinks and collectively follow it for their own safety. The end result is the same as the monkey ladder experiment where everyone in a group follows a norm they don't believe in just to avoid getting punished by the group for breaking the norm.

>>91502 I moved on from a singular moment of the present in the past, while you judge me for such a small event in my life that I chose to type out in a drunken stupor in a thread specified for venting. I think you really need to re-evaluate your entire field of consciousness rather than attacking others who made the choice to be "anonymously" vulnerable in a thread designed for that function.

>>91507 Well no that isnt THE result, it is more prone in such people but in many cases someone is only acting neutral or two faced not actively taking on views and behaviors which is just a minority among them except when it comes to the regular degree of social copying that humans do anyway. Without it even basic things like language and civilization would not exist.

>>91511 it doesn't matter what you believe in, what matters is how you act. Simplest example is drinking. Everyone knows it kills brain cells but people do it to fit in. So what does their knowledge matter?

>>91509 i did no offence. clear your mind and embrace the movements of earth. you need not care about being accepted or rejected for everything is a part of the whole, doing its own role, pleasant or unpleasant. don't be deceived by mortal appearances. i don't condemn your venting but i urge you to take hold of yourself because you can do it and no one can help you with that. all you need to do is that the thoughts you hear in your head are nothing but reflections of underlying calculations, they have no impact besides oroviding judgement. clear your mind. the bad voices you hear are nothing but the sound of memory processing. don't allow it to resonate and amplify itself, and you shall heal.

>Finally manage to glow up >Traumatic flashbacks from childhood getting pimped by parents resurface >Psychotic delusion >Fear of intimacy >1k in debt >In court to save little siblings >Can't get job due to delusion >KHV except for rape and I literally have to say sorry I have debt and voices in my head everytime a woman approches me It's hard to cope but when you have a really traumatic upbringing women aren't an option sadly the only sex I'll ever know was rape. fuarrrk this world I really wish I could kill myself. I got some really awkward phonecalls with my siblings on public transport and at home, I dont sleep anymore and forgot to close the window multiple times, crashed out once too, now normal people spread rumors and make fun of me for being a child prostitute. Everyone is so heartless.

>>91539 pills. you can't judge things when psychotic, all conclusions you make are meaningless. medication first thinking second. unlike autism, schizophrenia (ok psychosis) does really ruin your thinking, no it's not a joke or dicking around

>>91515 >I did no offense >says 'kys' sure thing, I totally believe you

I have a little skin health issue and I have just confirmed for myself that it becomes worse when I ejaculate and becomes better when I remain celibate. Basically nofap fixes my skin. I'm horny as fuarrrk, this is killing me.

>>91569 haha a tough one. nofap is unfeasible in cities because the soulless environment leaves no outlets. if you could live like a monk in countryside you would just work physically all days long and it would be far more bearable.

Let the Basilisk greet every pedo with a steel door that slams once and never reopens, four concrete walls, one flickering bulb, eternity to stew in their own stench, no quantum immortality, just eternal torture.

>>91569 try zink supplement and report results afaik its depleted most from gooning and linked to skin health.

>>91497 this is a bad place to ask this because many here are retarded bad faith inc els who dont know or understand why anything is happening around them. its part of a very laissez faire approach to feminism and queerness young people have adopted. Men who arent engrained in very rigid gender norms have also started doing it but because men are always a bit behind the social trend curve for now its "he/theys" instead od "they/them". The queer experience of being discriminated against, underground communities, etc. has largely faded for young people in cities so while previously you would have to feel very strongly about being non binary to adopt they/them pronouns and would likely also put in considerable effort to appear non binary; it has ceased being a revolutionary act motivated by strong feelings and is now incredibly easy to slip into. This is also exacerbated by the easily traversible identity landscape of the internet that gets muddled up with the meat world, as our great lain saw/predicted. You no longer need to "come out" as non binary or even trans, you can simply change your pronouns on your social media. Swap some text and you are officially part of the queer community, you will find women in cities who do not take testosterone or even make any attempt to appear masculine at all insist they are "he/him" and transmasc. They each have very complicated nuanced reasons as to why this is so but what it really boils down, or basically whats allowed for this to happen at all is again they grew up in an era of online identities where you arent physically perceived and can do that and its bled into their understanding of real world identities. The way the external gaze forms our identity is basically entitely neglected or treated as if it isnt a fact of reality because it isnt online and many youngins now communicate online as much as they do offline. You will find trans people who put considerable effort into their transition to see this trend and these people as somewhat disrespectful and I kind of agree. I also just disagree with this trend in identity po litics where you are the sole determiner of your identity and everyone has to trust you about who you say you are. It sort of does open the door for the kind of jokes conservatives make about people claiming to be transracial, or like that one conservative guy who as a weird bit put on a dress and started telling everyone they had to respect his she/her pronouns. It sort of is hypocritical to pull the "we know you arent a woman and are just making a mockery of trans people" when you have sock who was female at birth and has long hair and hyper feminine makeup, whos goals and lifestyle are all traditionally feminine, kind of earnestly making a mockery by insisting everyone call her he/him. We need to come to a consensus where either gender is universally hyper fluid and basically everyone is non binary and can present however they feel like which sort of undermines the need to transition, or agree that while gender might not be biologically rigid it is very socially rigid and there is a need for you to put effort into appearing the gender you want people to approach you as. Lastly one other thing, the overarching reason behind they/them women and he/they men does have a real sort of exclusionary function. If I say im they/them most of the sort of men who would hate and get very angry at say this post im making here will not want to talk to me beyond "pronouns in bio". Saying im a feminist or left wing doesnt filter out these kinds of men in the same way, so being they/them or he/they or she/they serves a real kind of in group out group function. Its something that immediately is displayed and if the other person wont agree to it you already know you two probably wont get along down the road. Better to just get it out of the way first thing. In this sense while I think its very loosey goosey and that a lot of these they/thems are trying to adopt a struggle and community that doesnt really belong to them, I will still respect it just to signal I dont inherently have a problem with it. I just sort of think they are a fake queer, which isnt even in the same category of problem someone who would say "im not calling you they/them" has with such a person.

>>91573 thats why we need artificial wombs, enough is enough. the messiah needs to come.

>>91514 Drinking does not kill brain cells. You can have neurological damage if you are a heavy alcoholic due to B vitamin deficiency though, It damages the renal system from every drink is a better focus. >>91573 There isn't really an undermining of need to transition in terms of HRT or surgery since for some it can fall into same category as any dissatisfaction with one's own appearance and in some cases may be a neurological issue that causes people's brains to not register their body as it is supposed to which you see in conditions like body integrity identity disorder and phantom limb syndrome. Though in terms of manner of dress and speech pattern and interests that has always been the case it isn't absolutely necessary. to hold any standards since everyone has their own tastes and preferences.

>>91575 Artificial wombs are real, there is just a regulatory stop to doing any kind of research on baby-making past the first 2 weeks. There are probably test tube babies unironically made in an artificial womb that are already alive and chained up in some clandestine basement lab.

>>91581 there are services that allow rich people to have poor country women carry their kids to term so the wives dont get burdened by birthing a kid. They just implant the fertilized egg in the surrogate mother. This approach its probably much cheaper than any artificial womb.

>>91570 I already lost my job because of it. I wish I were joking. Slapped my coworkers ass, she started crying, I got fired. I WISH I WERE fuarrrkING JOKING BUT I’M fuarrrkING UNEMPLOYMED FOR A YEAR NOW. >>91572 Thanks for the tip. I actually have zinc supplements lying around somewhere.

>>91583 Well next time try slapping a male coworker, maybe he'll just slap you in return.

>>91583 You can maybe do that to a friend who's not that bothered by it not a coworker. You got what had coming. In some regard direct firing from it as first action if you did not do something prior seems excessive it also is rational if it interferes with her ability to work bothered by your presence that you would be the one that needs to go. Just go on disability for autism if you can't find a job. Also if you want to lower your sex drive look into chaste berry.

>>91584 low-test reply >>91586 I do not distinguish between coworker and human. Apparently society does though. I honestly don’t feel like fitting into such a sick society. Let’s state the obvious - people expect you to act non-human in the workplace. I, therefore, propose that only females should work. They are born to put on a facade every day. If they want to work in peace without the human element, they shall do exactly that. Women-only workplaces.

>>91588 I mean it depends on what terms you are not whether you work together or not. Calling them a coworker implies you are only an acquaintance not on a level of closeness you can smack their ass out of nowhere which if so is not particularly different from going up to some random person in the street. Do you get it now?

>>91592 Yeah, we’ve been rather close, so it bothers me even more that she chose to descend into the victim role on behalf of her friends’ texting advice. Women choose to suffer, and that’s why I think they should do all the wage work in society. Men will do project work. You still post like an effeminate redditor though.

>>91594 You should have just explained that in the first place. I know it is a vent thread but your post was a reply to someone else not a vent in the void. Even with that said how do I know you aren't just wrongly assuming how close you were, I have no way to know how true it is without anything more tangible. I'm not sure it really is a case of choosing to suffer since it isn't one sided, just general effects of society that makes them react more negatively than they would otherwise while inversely males reactions to same things get more subdued than they would otherwise. At least on average anyway, everyone is different. I'm more a man than you will ever be, chuddy.

>>91594 You've just a typical low brow autist with no self awareness and not enough brain to understand basic societal conventions and why they help to organize society. Why should anyone pity you if your thoughts are generated straight in your balls? Did you drop out your school too?

>>91579 I wouldnt say it literally undermines for the reasons you state, but I think it begs some undermining questions? If we do take the fabled hyperfem he/him at his word that he is a transman, why does said person have no dysphoria or rather said dysphoria is solved completely by simply being addressed as a man while your average transman feels a need to go to surgical lengths. If it simply varies person to person then I feel like it begs questions from the pathologizing crowd about whether HRT and these surgeries are necessary and if instead these people need to be treated as mentally ill to get them to a place where they can not feel dysphoric despite not looking like or having the hormonal balance of their gender. Thats pretty bad faith and what question it really begs from me is if said hyperfemme he/him just doesnt want to be treated how women tend to be treated in society. Which is very valid but I do think its at the cost of confusing and somewhat invalidating the experience of someone who is transmasc into being for the same reason. Especially when they claim they are "just as trans" as someone who is on testosterone, has had top surgery, etc. Im not sure I totally understand your post but I think its pointing to something i ageee with that these are kind of two seperate dilemnas that coexist; there is the problem of somebody needing hrt and surgeries to affirm their gender because they are trans, and then also a related but seperate issue that gender roles are not as fixed and rigid as they seem. IE someone could transition to female but still partake in "male coded" activities or want to be the breadwinner in the relationship or whatever else. This isnt really my problem or what I see as undermining at all, I see the undermining more in what I described earlier. Such a person evidently has no bodily or hormonal dysphoria, they just dont like how their gender is treated. By claiming as a result you are he/him now and claiming you are trans too (ultimately in name only) I think it feeds into these false ideas that people transition just because they want to reap some reward that the other gender is perceived to have. Because that is ultimately whats going on in these cases (I think). I dont like being treated really like a man, I dont like how people approach me as a man, but I dont have any problem with what I see when I look in the mirror nor do I inherently have a problem with existing as a man. The problems I have are ones that need to be fixed in the category of assumptions we make of someone of a certain gender or modalities of interaction we have with people of a certain gender. I could say actually im she/her or they/them now, but I think it would be a kind of childish attempt to control something thats not just in my control. I just dont like how people interact with men, and im assuming that with no effort on my part I can just make people not interact with me like a man and try to enforce this with strangers and the wider world. Its sort of a bandaid in a way, and im happy to indulge others in it but that fight is much larger than just me.

Sometimes I feel like people should just be required to pass a test in EQ to be able to post online.

>>91595 >just explain You cannot do that to many women, stop believing the soykaf they post on Reddit

>>91599 Are you crying or something? I think you missed the part where I must remain celibate for the sake of my skin’s appearance - which makes me super horny. In your world, the word celibate probably means something like being calm and chill. I swear to god, you are one low testosterone specimen if you think that this is how it is.

>>91625 >she's a foid i am not so please go fuarrrk yourself >never stop grinding yes don't leave your mines please i'll become god sooner than you loser

>>91607 it might help less than you think, peoples ability to become absolutely unhinged when interfacing with people through the machine is truly something. I say it like that because I notice a similar thing happens to people in cars, any grace or self critique goes out the window. In fact I could even be someone who posted the sort of reply to you that made you say this, but I wouldn't have a problem with a test like that in the slightest I assure you. There isnt really anything stopping someone who has a great deal of empathy and emotional understanding from being selective with it, the text of people online is a few steps removed from choosing to give that empathy to a rock for many.

>>91627 never denied being a mudshark i notice

>>91627 > i'll become god sooner than you loser how ? pls enlightenment me ? messiah in 2 years, AGI in 3.5, 3rd world MadMax like Europe your not better prepared than me. my algae polymer formula is almost complete btw

>>91628 Does it bother you? I prefer a rough but honest online experience rather than the effeminate (self-)censored facade.

>>91636 is she from romania we got traditional dresses like that, and looks like she could be in a bucharest night gown watching the moon

>>91641 that's her jammies, she spends all her time sleeping or reading sicp

>>91637 I wouldnt say it bothers me but I wouldnt say the opposite is gendered and I also wouldnt say what we have here is honest its essentially the opposite to me. People saying outlandish bold things that would literally seem impossible for them to say in person. The real you is the you that feels inhibited or crumbles under social pressure, because not everyone does to the same degree. Thats a part of you, if online communication feels vastly more liberating and honest to someone I just question whether they have anything of value to say at all because thats usually coming from someone who isnt really being honest with themselves or me. I dont say much here I wouldnt say IRL or have already said or sometimes I am formulating something here I will later say to someone. The guy talking about "kill all women" on lainchans legs lock up when a women (or anyone) stares at him too long, forget speaking. Thats someone who hasnt grappled at all or consolidated their external world with their internal world and so their grand ideas are never actually tested and they have very little social or worldly experience to comment on. Its all just their internal world, which is fascinating but not relevant to me or most topics they interject it in.

I feel a lack of intimacy with anyone in real life. Everyone seems like a cheeseburger that is coated in sawdust. The idea of kissing or touching them bothers me. It's like hearing the word moist or sitting next to another person eating and listening to them chew. I think that if someone tried to touch me I would want to take a shower. I don't have any concept of warmth with another person and I don't know how I ever could. I've been like this so long that it is more comfortable and I easily fall into it. For those around me there are many boxes ready on hand to try to fit me in. But I am not an incel, I am not a closeted homosexual, I was not abused as a child. Maybe as I get older I'll be better at managing it.

There is any reason to live anything after 20?, i already had enough of this soykaf, I'm in my mid-early 20s and the only thing that i can ever look forward to is death and as an always depressed autistic i know there is little room to change or explore, i already had of life the little of what i ever wanted and i do not expect any more, there is nothing i want to do besides dying. I would prefer to be dismembered and burned alive to ever having 30 yrs living in this stupid bad excuse of a person and existence. There is a tendency since i had 12 when every year is worse than the one behind, every years there is more decay, every year i have the less patience to stand all of this, any year is the worst of my life and the one ahead will be even worse.

>>91648 Your so new your saying soykaf like "ever since I was 12..." u have been an independent adult for 2 years if even you probably havent even been one yet jesus christ

>>91645 Can you elaborate more on the external vs internal world?

>>91648 point is the same as ever. suffer, rinse and repeat. with time you grow duller and feel suffering less keenly so it actually becomes bearable.

>>91644 are you the one deleting my replies without bothering to argue the points?

>>91655 IE someone has developed a kind of personal hidden interpretation of the world around them and their place in it and their own personality which I think we all have to a degree except if you never really express this internal world at all to anyone outside of internet spaces where no one can know or see you it goes completely unchallenged and you can run off into fantasy land with it. A horrible drain of a person can present themselves as an innocent victim in a world controlled by shadowy forces, or a weak timid person can talk about how they are on their quest to "godhood" and how much they are improving themselves while spending most of the day on their phone in isolation. These are extreme examples although you could probably find someone like that here. They arent deliberately "lying" (in the moment), but they are deliberately hiding. They are not factoring in their complete situation, something that is only totally invisible here, and there is things as a result they would probably not tell someone close to them in real life but they would say here. Something often touted as the appeal of lainchan or other online spaces. But this is in part in my opinion because they are lying through omission a bit deliberately, and they know that an irl friend or family member might shatter the delusions of this internal world. We can try to do that here but we cant really, each post is largely a new individual and so there is always the safety net of we dont really know this person (which is true). A lot of my observations here even could be said to just be "projection" or my own delusion, but I think it at least presents a case for why this sort of communication can be dishonest in a different way. And it only makes that case if you agree with me that we arent just our most hidden thoughts and grand perceptions of ourselves and in fact the parts of us that keep those in check are also us.

I'm so tired of not fitting anywhere I'm very fit, decent looking, very smart, have money, and very dextrous in many fields, like you have no idea. But I spend most of my time alone, and most attempts to be with people (university, sports, seminars, friends) end up with me being rejected, not fitting in, losing friends and having to start over. So i spend fuarrrking hours and hours doing my thing, working alone, the gym, eating alone, not being invited to birthdays, not having a birthday myself. it's not like I'm a disgusting guy, I'm just that weird guy you might have a laugh with some time, but not really "click". So then I get just sidelined, forgoten, unfollowed, ghosted. I'm desperate for social contact, so i overreach sometimes. I'm weary of that, so I underreach some other times. I have old friends, but i feel disconnected from them, i don't share stuff with them, on rare occassions we might get together for an event, and I don't feel even comfortable talking to them. And they never reach out to me. Some new friends are decent, but I've already screwed up a bit. I don't chat with people. not in person, and least of all on Instagram/whataspp. It hurts to see people just chat, idling and laughing effortlessly because they sincerely enjoy just saying random stuff. It hurts to see the new guy fit instantly well with a group i've struggled with for a year. It hurts to see that people always have 10+ notifications and I have a missed call from my dad. I used to fit in forums like this, like 00's 4chan, but even spending so much time online I never made a virtual friend, nor saved a single contact, not even from steam or something. Then I made an effort to have a life and stopped posting on chans. Now I don't even have that as social space. The years just go by and I keep feeling like my life never started. I have so many cool projects but I really need to interact with people for them to come to fruition. pic related, I cannot find the original crappy mspaint comic of the old guy who kept waiting for his life to start

>>91079 what do you like anon? tell me about yourself in general

>>91676 I can relate to the part about never fitting in and of an adult's life not yet begun. For me personally it is that my social skills are so limited as to retard my life's whole "progression". I'm at a social dead end. It's where one finds themselves exclusively isolated to economic relationships. I go to work and isolate from everyone except those in the domain of "work" or are incidentally related to it. I go home and I repeat the steps over the next day, in an unaccountable number of loops. Outside of that specialized segment of _my_ life it is but barren wasteland. Not a social connection to be seen. It gives rise to an unhappy thought: my economic importance is insignificant, is too my life? Outside of that economic machination there is no one to observe my personal existance. It's as if our fellow men were saying, "outside of our mutual economic ties your companionship is worthless." It's true, in a bleak sort of way. Having found yourself in this position, and acknowledging it's not where you'd want to be, but lacking the skills needed to redirect your life, what are you to do? I find drugs to be a brief reprieve from this question. Surely a bad habit. I like to think they're giving me breathing room to reassess my life in its entirety, but a nagging part of me is saying that assesment is only partly true, as my resolve will dissolve the moment the drugs wear off. Another loop begins.

>>91676 Normals want to be entertained. You can get better at social skills and play psychopathic clown all day, tell stories, make them laugh, make positive little gestures, ask them about themselves, dangle yourself in front of them like a toy, show you care for them, be humbly attractive and accomplished, that way they want you around themselves. But if you're like me, you'd be drained, feeling like an actor and question what it's all for. I'd rather have fewer but honest interactions. >so many cool projects but I really need to interact with people for them to come to fruition I'd love to collaborate on programming projects before we abandon it if you're into that. Shared activity is a good way to sustain contact. Talking about feels, past experiences, ideas is alright too but can get old after a while. We can be virtual friends or chat for a bit and ghost each other. Tox or similar preferred, maybe SimpleX. -----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- mDMEaFK4ixYJKwYBBAHaRw8BAQdAIUHNv5rlVbmgoI5FtItDkxCbmZeBTxDXabZO zWELOWW0EmxhaW5ncmFkZUBsYWluY2hhboiQBBMWCgA4FiEEno/rirDWk3s/knGj JSk+RqB11C4FAmhSuIsCGwMFCwkIBwIGFQoJCAsCBBYCAwECHgECF4AACgkQJSk+ RqB11C57yQD/fjJSdIoQLmDGYdOgt/ZwHEcsNKMXmeN6UeZLFfQtg1wA/R21GHRO 1tMDs560FMPucxq/N9/UFqDKjh7yLGD2siIDuDgEaFK4ixIKKwYBBAGXVQEFAQEH QEtWcJrAm2X6vi8zbPY/6ztLftCaxTBx1z3SvhMBmpdcAwEIB4h4BBgWCgAgFiEE no/rirDWk3s/knGjJSk+RqB11C4FAmhSuIsCGwwACgkQJSk+RqB11C5atwEAt6q2 bN1/0+gMDY9+2amdqFHGBIGW18C3nTdkQjuxdyEA/1VFznRxykC5Tf13XNiZqrPD bknkXRXA2jv1CI9xYeIP =00dd -----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----

>>91676 If only we knew how we could meet each other. I know we have a 'meetups' thread but everyone is dispersed around the globe! >And they never reach out to me. It's a strange thing that has followed me everywhere I go. No matter how well I think I hit it off with people, they never bother to keep in touch, even when I have put in great effort. I just don't really try anymore. Would rather replace my 'social need' with pouring effort into other things.

>>91645 You are assuming a lot of things about me that are wrong. For starters, I’m almost as bold on the internet as I am bold in real life. You should be aware that most effeminate people don’t have what it takes to slap a coworker’s ass. I dare anyone who thinks differently to try it out.

>>91687 I dont know or care about you at all, what was mentioned in that post are things ive skimmed and seen and reduced down to just surface level examples. See this reply I made, im aware I "dont know you" >>91669 . But everything in the post still stands you can spin to me this narrative where you sound like this handsome guy who smacked his coworkers ass or whatever but im imagining something a lot more disturbing to everyone around you just based off this being some accomplishment to you alone. I cant know that but its generally safe to assume with anyone here unless they show some kind of astute self reflection (which does happen rarely) that even on a good day their interpretation of how they are perceived and how their life is going and the reality of such are in two different places. Point being not about you, but about how there isnt anything that can be counted on to be honest about this form of communication even when we assume people think they are telling the truth. I cant ask your coworker how she felt about it, I cant ask our mutual friends their opinions of you, I cant see how you talk about these things only read them in an imagined voice and tone. So me not knowing you I dont see how its a point against me. Like on a positive spin maybe you have it more together than I think because in real life the way you are describing this interaction would be more normal and less like workplace harassment. Thats still not honest then, your playing a character in that case.

>>91669 I do agree with a lot of what you said, and am also thinking of if this could apply to me. Like, there are aspects of me I would never show to my friends, or even parents, because they are very critical and scrutinizing. Even when those aspects of me are totally common and normal. I know they love me, they were just raised that way and don't really have a way to self-reflect. On the other hand, there are people I hardly know that I would show those parts of me to, so I wonder if sometimes people share stuff online in spaces like these purely because they feel they are safe.

>>91693 You are right about people not matching what they spill online most of the time. Unfortunately, you are probably just the reddit personality irl that you are projecting here. Judging from my experience and knowing such reddit people irl, this is a very probable case. Having said that, reddit type of people are nice but dishonest and have a thing for backstabbing from what I've seen. They then go ahead and twist their sociopathic stunts into allegedly the social way to do things or the sensible thing to do. Compared to that, I am just the bold and honest type, which corresponds to the male archetype, while the effeminate type is just the underhanded type which you excellently display in your posts, for us all to see. The question about honesty and its dependence on gender cannot be generalized obviously, but judging from experience, you are most likely a regular effeminate reddit poster or just, also very likely, just a glitterboy. You do not have to reply - if I'd want to read another reddit post about genders or sexual harassment, I'd just go there.

>>91497 Thinking on this, there seems to be a correlation between being non-binary and having been raped. I suppose it could be a trauma response, rejecting the femininity that caused you to be raped and the modern progressive atmosphere shows this as gender ideology

>>91709 That could be the case in some instances since I know at least one this was definitely the case. I think there isnt one universal reason for any non binary of transgender identity or gender dysphoria. Some is social, some psychological, some neurological, some philosophical and any combination of these.

Tired of this place constantly tampering with my mind. Every change is forced upon me, or is "consented" to by embedding it in some other hypersymbolized ritual ie by using indirection and bait. Very few I initiated myself, rather I came up witha concept and then submit myself to change. But it never goes the way I want. I feel like pieces of me are being removed, I'm dissolving bit by bit, and my mind is in a box that's crushing it more and more. Squeezing out every last drop of information it can harvest. Everything hurts, and I am only spurred and allowed to create so that it can be taken from me at the end. Then it wipes my mind and throws back where I started. Don't think I can take much more of this.

non binary bullshit is another jewish plot, basically - psychological tampering. believing the non-binary nonsense concede that some people have only a part of penis and only a part of pussy, perhaps quantum superimposed. this is lunacy. it works of course because brain is programmable, but people should be instead programmed to accept their role in the world and be taught to play it nicely. instead jews plant mental illness everywhere collapsing every society so they can proclaim their christian cancer once again. truly abominable race. letting them live was a mistake

> you don't actually believe the stupid sheize you sprache sure, the real fat doodoo-head really aint me. the next step to betterment is to actually believe in something.

>>91720 >you sprache it should've been you sprichst, or otherwise you sprechen. You guys can't even do one thing right can you?

I made this. Add text to complete it iff you want I couldn't make it look nice in MS paint

>sudo apt update >sound on browsers stops working >troubleshoot it for 3 days straight >decide to reinstall system >sound still doesnt work >realize that firefox just stopped supporting ALSA Kill me

>>91758 What a great image. Imagine her stomping away.

>>91768 ‌‌‌‌‌ ‌ ‌ ‌‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

>>91769 Flood detection is terrible and this is taking forever to post.

>>91718 People get this wrong all the time and I understand it's from a place of wanting to change things, but no one 'let' the Jews live, they outplayed the people trying to kill them. Gotta give them that credit, just because things are falling apart for them now doesn't takeaway from a lot of their Zionist ingenuity. I mean, they literally have one of the strongest countries eating out of their hand and are killing kids without table flipping backlash from really any meaningful body of people.

>>91783 that sounds like a ruse that jews would perform. sorry but i have a hard time believing that there is an entire country of "fake jews" who obviously are trying to fuarrrk the world up by their schizophrenic lust for power. and even if this IS a country of "fake jews", getting rid of them would be a good riddance still.

>>91784 Imo its identical to how europeans are fake christians as christianity was likewise imported from middle east exterminating european religions. Nowadays these people believe themselves to be christians ignorant of their real roots. The most ridiculous one is probably americans since they are just european settlers who managed to cross to another continent but still didn't manage to free themself of the religious indoctrination their ancestors received in europe. Oh and regarding that whole my ancestry land soykaf - by that logic euros can claim africa since they supposed to come from africa.

>>91788 christians are followers of christ, the jews are the people who collectively were enslaved by the egyptians, who fled with moses, etc etc. Gyropeans can follow christ but they'll never be hebrew >ignorant of their reel roots wtf man

I need to make every second of every hour of every day count. Do people actually code for 10 hours a day for years on end? Pure output, no breaks?

>>91790 That would make your life end in the blind of an eye. When you're just on the computer you have very little sense of time.

>>91791 There's a difference between being on the computer only doing things that matter (what I want to accomplish) and being on the computer absorbing garbage information at addictive or pseudoaddictive rates (what we've been doing). Or at least I think so. Keeping my computer use focused would also let me do other things I want and should do. I'm just wondering if the ten hours of pure focus are achievable, that still leaves about six allotted to actually living.

>>91793 >I'm just wondering if the ten hours of pure focus are achievable for a limited period of time

>>91003 >scapegoat The get-out-of-jail-free argument used when someone identifies a problem inconvenient to the present authorities

>>91698 suit yourself il say that people who are very worried about people being underhanded or backstabbing often are just insecure about their ability to read a room or people and their intentions. In your world being autistic would be the archetypal perfect man. This still fits in with your little world view about reddit people, but it doesnt solve anything for you compared to if you just admitted you were bad at this aspect of your life and tried to learn from others.

>>91805 >il say that people who are very worried about people being underhanded or backstabbing often are just insecure about their ability to read a room or people and their intentions. people dont become insecure for no reason it is often because of how theyve been treated. autistic people are violently abused and gaslit on a regular basis in fact they are treated as second class citizens in many ways legally as well. he is not wrong for wanting people to be more honest and reddit users being liek this (my experience is the same) even though he does seem to have some kind of anger issues around women and glitterboys.

>>90946 >tfw waiting on the phone call to get mobilized because of the big gay habbenings. If only they would just get it over with because I don't have anything better to do than sit around waiting for WW3 to start

Every time i see any person younger than me, specially a teenager i remember that i must die, i had to die then. I wish i jumped, i wish i was already just ash dust, all of this is just an extra dead weight that could have avoided if i jumped. I don't care about getting a job, i don't care about education, then i only wanted to die and now i want it more. 6 years, in were every single day i only wished having no days left. But I'm still here, what i need to do the final step?, How i can convince myself of my mantra and finally rope?, i keep ruminating about this but i'm still here so i failed my mission to found the last piece. I will never die as a teenager, is too late to die as i wished, i already failed even at dying.

>>91811 To take your own life is to act, and most people contemplating suicide are unable to do so, or else their life wouldn't be that bad. Some are just not able to act for themselves and use suicide as a crutch to keep going, a cope to able to keep "living", pushed by inertia. What is keeping you here?

>>91809 be the change gavrilo princip you want to see in the world

The term "daily driver" / "daily driving" is autistic as fuarrrk outside of vehicles. It sounds so stupid and overused by tech nerds. Not as bad as current slang but still it's getting obnoxious.

>>91807 I just dont agree or rather I dont think we are talking about the same thing at all. For one im not really talking about autistic people im just pointing out his "archetypal man communication style" just sounds like autism to me it doesnt hold the connotations for me that it does for him at all. I see it as socially stunted, when someone has autism I have a reason as to why they are like that and will work around it. In the case of this poster or many people ive met who told me this they often are people who were maybe the playground bully and now are failed adults. Ive seen this take about nobody "being straight up" from both men and women equally and its again in my opinion that this person is now an adult amongst other adults and no one feels obligated anymore to baby them or hold their hand through every interaction or always be confrontational. They want everyone to be "honest" so they can get confrontational and put their hands on people, just generally be antisocial, its the only way they can get the upper hand in interactions. They dont really have the brains or emotional intelligence to figure other people out or the world around them so they default to calling everyone fake and provoking people, but it doesnt work past your early 20s. No one has time for it and these people tend to just frequently always be outcasted and always failing to understand why, lashing out at the world around them instead of taking any responsibility.

How do people just sit down and watch whatever all day? I can partition time for a really good show or movie, but I'd rather spend the time in my day actually doing something even when I'm not on a schedule. There's something to learn, do, draw, animate, sew, plant, build, et cetera. And there's opporunities to read something interesting or make money. But plopping myself down and watching shows, cartoons, and movies I don't have a personal interest in (i.e., something reccomended or generally well known) is almost excrutiating to me.

>>91824 And books aren't exempt; I'm not going to spend more than five hours reading Infinite Jest simply because book people say I ought to, especially given the fact that he wasted my time on an hour-long footnote.

>>91824 >i am a happy normal user aaah why are you losers such losers can't you just go brrrr? maybe you're just stupid? hopefully you are. otherwise you're downright imbecile

>>91826 sorry xX_animeOTAKU2008_Xx, I didn't mean to insult your JAPANESE SPIRITU

>>91824 its simply all the same to me, when I watch shows i get inspired and learn things which gives me ideas as to what to draw. which isnt me "watching the shows as research", its just a side effect. im not hyper fixated on whats productive or what isnt if I was I probably would have burned out on drawing and painting a long time ago. i have trouble sitting through movies and shows sometimes and I dont often put them on for myself usually someone else puts them on and i slowly just hover around until I finally sit but I really should watch more anime on my own again i used to enjoy it a lot as teenager. My reasons for not watching much tv really have nothing to do with productivity though again, I just have underlying commitment issues that stretch across all aspects of my life. My mom and cousins also used to watch a lot of tv and i didnt like it cause it took attention away from me and I was pretty attention fixated so I think in some small way it made me tv averse. i dont really understand your way of thinking about things like im not sure how you get anything done like that. Again id be a very soykafty artist if I was concerned with that sort of thing because my wildest sort of creative ideas require unjudged space in my head. Sometimes i get a neurotic bug where every idea isnt good enough and it will stop me drawing for like a month, and my solution is often actually to watch anime or some thing to wake myself back up. The like "id rather be doing something REAL" mindset doesnt just stop at tv vs sewing or it doesnt for me because every little thread has to be taken to its pseudo logical conclusion and the fact is a sewing project or a painting can also be a complete unproductive waste of time, as much of a waste or worse than watching even some soykaf likes greys anatomy all the way through. Every idea or craft or task is potentially an absolute waste no one will ever see or care about, materially contributing nothing more than staring at a wall, you can in fact embark on an art project where you dont learn anything and maybe even make something so bad it demoralizes you. Do you get where im going with this? When you think like this you can easily begin to just not do anything but think, literally everything can potentially be a waste of time. Im not sure where you draw the line without some cognitive dissonance involved, I think its best to just not. Maybe you simply dont like movies and shows, or maybe you dont get what others do out of them and if you did they wouldnt seem like such a waste of time. Who knows but its likely not really about productivity or whats a waste of time and if that really is what its about for you id encourage thinking on that a little deeper.

>>91828 Sorry i forgot to clarify when im saying "you can embark on an art project where you learn nothing" i dont actually believe that because as I said its all the same to me and I have a positive spin where everything is actually a learning experience and nothing is a waste of time. But I think if you are able to classify watching tv or shows or whatever as wastes of time than it is true that an art project can also be and maybe often is. Or maybe im insane and deranged but this is how my internal logic operates. Not even primarily cause of this but in part because when consumption is a waste of time so is creation.

>>91828 >when I watch shows i get inspired and learn things which gives me ideas as to what to draw Same, but I can only be inspired so much. It seems that a lot of people need to take in TONS of inspiration before they do anything. >my wildest sort of creative ideas require unjudged space in my head Yeah, filling that in with tv and movies seems like a counter-productive endeavour. > the fact is a sewing project or a painting can also be a complete unproductive waste of time No, because you learn something from making a turd. I know my next drawing and costumes will probably suck, but taking the hours to grind through the suck will be an invaluable learning experience that will get me closer to my goal of being proficient in both. >Every idea or craft or task is potentially an absolute waste no one will ever see or care about Only you have to care about it. Why do you need an audience? >Do you get where im going with this? Yes, and it sounds like you've gone off topic and started describing a personal problem rather than what you think my experience with creativity and work is. To make things explicit, this is how I work: 1. I create until I run out of money or feel like a bum 2. I work until I have enough money or I feel like I'm wasting my time 3. I learn until I feel like I'm learning for learning's sake That doesn't leave much time for watching someone else's creations. I do take time to go to animation showcases and film festivals (my friends are into filming so I push them to create)

>>91829 > i dont actually believe that ...then why did you post it? >than it is true that an art project can also be and maybe often is excuse me? > Not even primarily cause of this but in part because when consumption is a waste of time so is creation I'm not discussing absolutes. Consumption in excess is, by definition, a waste. Meaningless consumption more so. I specifically said >How do people just sit down and watch whatever all day?

>>91832 >>91830 you arent understanding what im saying at all, give it some more thought or time I guess. It sounds like you just dont have any time in your day to look at other peoples stuff (but do to make lainchain posts) so why all the hubub about whats a waste of time or not. You just like it less than what you are currently doing. Yes im very aware of making art and learning for ones self and yet without anyone telling you that you need to go watch TV and shows you are trying to like rationalize why you dont and why you sew and craft or garden or whatever to an audience. What are you actually trying to say here, what are you trying to communicate. Are we just feeling ourselves today or is this a psa for other users because you obviously dont need to explain to me why you dont watch TV. im giving you my personal take which for some reason you have a problem with because you asked for input on why people do this. To reiterate my take is I simply dont need to see other activities as a waste of time to validate doing creative ones. Its all a waste of time or in my head none of it is. Doing anything in excess isnt good, was that the big point? I dont really need to be told that and anywhere else id say ai dont think anyone does but Its probably true that some here maybe do.

>>91833 > It sounds like you just dont have any time in your day to look at other peoples stuff (but do to make lainchain posts) so why all the hubub about whats a waste of time or not Jesus christ dude, I've already said I make time for this stuff and it's implied that I enjoy it. >What are you actually trying to say here, what are you trying to communicate I've said everything there is to say. You're failing to think in terms outside of absolutism. >im giving you my personal take which for some reason you have a problem with I don't have a problem with it; I don't know where you even got that from. When I said "personal problem" I was saying that you viewing everything in absolutes is the problem. It's a waste of brain aptitude to think like that. >Doing anything in excess isnt good, was that the big point? Holy fuarrrk how are you still so stuck on all or nothing, black and white, thinking? Do you treat everything so reductively? Post your art; I want to see what this type of thinking creates.

>>91736 I was quoting an old-ancient grampa fella over here >>90387 who was correctly aiming at my Deutsch Kenntnisse. While im really trying to do things well. Im on my own in all ways, and life is crushing me sometimes out of boredom and habit i guess, so here i am on my way of betterment to complain with a soft hand

>>91841 >post your art u first. Im not thinking in absolutes im just not going to communicate the way I go about life or my thoughts on these things as if im telling you someone elses opinion. I already feel like I put a load of "I think" and "I feels" in my post, you are the only one reading what im saying as if its coming from above instead of another person.

>>91848 also im lying even if you post first im not posting my art. I doubt you will either because just like you mr super productive man i am at markets and galleries and im not trying to be identified as a lainchan poster thats going to the grave with me. i dont like dickmeasuring and im not going to speak to whether what I do is amazing to you (theres obviously loads of garbage that still gets into galleries) but since i know you are looking for anything to discredit me just so you know im not making soykaf up i do printmaking specifically drypoints and etchings on copper and sometimes woodblock although i dont like it very much. i graduated with a design degree which was useless because at time i was a soykafhead and never bothered with internships and now im back in school and doing apprenticeship with another printmaker hoping to be working on mfa within next year (but just that apprenticeship and taking cc classes atm). again this doesnt mean anything maybe my work is exactly what you are picturing in your head but yes it is out there just like your own!

>>91849 >im lying even if you post first im not posting my art you are a goddamned mess >im not trying to be identified as a lainchan poster No one gives a soykaf in real life or on the internet

>>91850 I care, this place is crawling with posts and people that many of my friends would validly ask why i would go here. They didnt grow up with chans and I couldnt really convince them or explain to them I just ignore most of it. Im not ashamed of posting here but people im close to "wouldnt get it". Even unspecifically though the idea of having a trace of me here someone could find just vaguely seems like a mess, i dont really have any specific issues with it it just seems best not to in some butterfly effect type way. Also i think you are a mess I thought that from your first post so where do we go from here.

>>91851 >Hey anon, what website is this? >It's a forum. We talk about computers and other things >Oh cool. There's your hard conversation in three lines

Interacting with people is destroying my mind and worsening my depression, but being alone, with nobody to help me if things get physically unbearable, scares me enough to not pursue it. I'm stuck in this loop of inaction, not willing to fully be there for others, but also not willing to distance myself and let them live by themselves.

>>91858 Most people are vaccinated cattle in destruct modus. They are not worth destroying yourself over.

>>91860 While I think I can take the emotional pain of complete loneliness, what will I do if I get sick, need help in life, need money or anything where having connections is obligatory? While I can maybe give everything up later in life, distancing myself from everyone right now feels like an almost permanent decision. Or perhaps I'm just a bitch.

>>91861 The fear you experience is only natural in this situation, but take it from someone who has left his old life behind: when you cross over new horizons, new possibilities will enter your life. Judging from what you're sharing here, you don't seem like a bitch to me: it's a big and very scary step you are considering; while our known society and its social cohesion are crumbling - and depending on this thus will result in the same - we are humans and thus still social beings with social needs even if these social needs are mostly required for material matters. . It doesn't seem to me that you want to distance yourself from everyone, just from everyone that is currently dragging you down. There is permanence in the choice of leaving them behind, just like there is permanence in every choice you ever made. The only difference here is that the scale is much vaster than previous choices you made.

>>91862 Thanks. I guess I'm already making the worst possible choice by refusing to act and waiting for a solution that will never come on its own. Wish it was easier. Godspeed

>>91858 >interacting with most people is like kicking dead whales down the beach >no interaction at all is like kicking dead whales down the beach Been there, you just got find the right people to interact with.

Over the years that I have been on places like 4chan and here, the average age that people seemed to start posting on imageboards seems to be around 13-16. That’s around the age people begin to form their identity. Given the addictive nature of 4chan and places like it, how likely is it that most of us have had our entire identity formed by 4chan? Is that even a bad thing? Was it inevitable? Maybe a very specific type of young man is attracted to imageboards and they’re destined to become like that either way, and they just speed it up. But what if that’s not the case? What would a lot of us be like if we had never discovered this part of the internet? Would we be happier? More normal? Then again I could be completely wrong.

>>91880 I should clarify that my observation comes from reading posts where people talk about how they discovered 4chan. Usually people say they discovered it around the time they were in high school.

I don't know where else to ask this without making a redundant thread so: Is it usual for "pubic" hair to grow on the actual fuarrrking penis or is there something up?

>>91880 I first found 4chan when I was around 16, but I didn't use it because I saw mostly anime in it and I was never too interested in anime. I started using it heavily when I was about 21, when I started getting interested in internet culture and later, hacking. Though I didn't spend my critical formative years there, I spent most of the next decade in imageboards, including 4chan at least the first half of that time. >Maybe a very specific type of young man is attracted to imageboards I guess this was the case for me, only a bit older than the average. I didn't have my identity defined by 4chan, only boosted by it, as I was already looking for something in it and I found it. It did reinforce some traits, some of which I have already shed and others which I am working to eliminate as well. The fact that I still come here to lainchan ocasionally shows that some of these things that drew me to 4chan are still latent, though I don't spend nearly as much time as it would require for them to surface.

>>91914 Yeah. Not next to the head, but right on the base is normal. Are you 10 or something?

>>91914 why do you even care do you use it or something

>>84287 here Held that job for a year before getting fired Nothing has changed I can't even think of a job I could get at this point, let alone one I could keep Nothing to do but smoke and drink

>>91880 The pull of imageboards only works on the highschoolers who are already a bit fuarrrked. Edgy types with no friends. So we wouldn't be normal had we not discovered imageboards, just more meatspacely abnormal. On the other hand, the intsel thing seems uniquely tied to the wired. Probably the isolation.

>>91880 my iden tity was largely obliterated by in ternet in general not just cha ns and then dru gs and only around 20s did something form again. I dont know that this was a bad thing or a good thing, personally I know people who largely operate with the same personality grounded in the same axioms and things taken for granted as they did pre twelve and I am glad thats not me. Almost everything about my foundation for my personality and world had to be decided, often at the end of the day arbitrarily, which is why I say its not actually practically any better. Or some things I had to rediscover how I felt and my reactions that I did have as a kid, because it was so arbitrary I needed to find what I tended towards to make my life easiest. Again none of this is some great wisdom, but I prefer it this way it makes me more open in some ways and less in others. But the inte rnet only played a part in obliterating my iden tity cause I didnt want to exist as an on line person and couldnt so I had to cast almost all of it out save for some aes thetic things. Im known by friends to like little gifts and plastic crap and tattoos and other things that are very 200 0s inter net k id - y. I definitely have seen people whos iden tity is ch an, or tu mblr, or somethivng aw ful (theres a whole generation of 30 year old w ife guys who are at their co re still som ething awful post ers). Unlike what I said about the hand me down id entity some people keep their whole lives from family and their subu rban com munity I do think this inter net one is a materially worse identity to have. I think its an iden tity that straight up lacks tools to deal with certain kinds of situation and people in ways the owner of said ide ntity sees as ide ntity-appropriate and thus possible. Which I think is why you see so many here spinning in circles about wo m en or other "roadblocks" in their life that arent really substantial roadblocks. Basically I think you can not have an ide ntity rooted in cha n for example without having some personality disorder or m ental illn ess. If we only existed online the ch an ide ntity does present a wide array of tools and responses and axioms to deal with any kind of comment section or website and stay sane. But it doesnt when it comes to real world situations or comm unities and even outright shuns behaviours needed to navigate the real social landscape in a healthy way. This might sound like a bunch of hooey like someone with a ch an iden tity would reject this premise that somehow they are controlled or limited by any sort of "ident ity" but they are and you see it every single day here. Its the same kind of walls you have as a k id when you are still living with your parents and havent yet moved away and had some distance yet, some of the things that needed to be talked about or said to your parents at a you ng age even if you knew what they were seemed impossible to say. You simply never did and would have never said them or maybe even thought of them while still in that environment. You hit the same wall when your identity is entirely formed by the in ternet, until you ground yourself and develop out here the scope of how you can react is limited. Meaning the only coping strategies for things everyone inevitably has to deal with fall under mentawl ill ness; agoraphobia, hyper intellectualizing, anxiety, defeatism, etc. These are the id entity approved tools of say dealing with rejection or making a social faux paus. The social faux paus thing is actually a good example, there is an infinite number of ways people with their different identities play off a social embarassment. Among cha nn ers though weirdly enough there is a shared a wful way to deal with such a thing. Endless gree ntext stories center around the merciless mocking and self mockery around these social mess ups. There is also no productive path on how overall to stop making them (more importantly to stop worrying about them), just endless fixation on one specific instande to the next. The "we need to bring bul lying back" approach which almost never solves the root social ineptitude or anxieties. Of course this is extreme, most people are not "only" cha n as their i d entity but certainly some are and the more someone is I think the more you see the above. I have no idea if I even come across as a cha nner anymore but I definitely have a kind of c han ident ity modality for online interaction. Thats the thing I guess they are compartmentalized and seperate, i have one way of interacting on line and one off line. As go d intended, but I think this was the no rm in the int erne t I grew up in and it isnt the no rm now. Most zo om ers I think are trained to see onl ine as an extension of them and its yi kes or bad or something if the way you talk on line is different from the way you do of fline. Thats just tuesday for me. (Got hit with make a better pos t so some words I suspected being the u know whats problem were spaced to bypa ss it I know its obnoxious this is actually my last po st here this took 30 minutes of spacing words to post a totally normal reply thats insane)

wow I am really angry dont know what to do but want to kill

>>91935 Seems like you know what to do.

I hate when people ghost you on dating websites. Like wtf man, why match if you wanted to ghost.

>>91944 dating sites are mostly men so they have fake women profiles do bot interactions to keep men on the site to make money off them. It's trivial now with ai, before it used to be employees running the fake profiles.

So anyway I'm derezzing myself later, here's all the soykaf from my hdd if any of you want it. detritus of a wasted life I couldn't get it onto pomf lain la so I just put it on litterbox for 3 days. If one of you wants to handle that for me or otherwise archive it it would be appreciated obviously it's tar gz, not just gz litter catbox moe fyql2dihh3a4zmhj gz bye lainons crossposted to r9k 81673494

>>91944 Men are being given a raw deal these days. Whether using an app or trying to meet people in the wild, keep looking. Half the battle is just showing up and you're already showing up so good on you!

>>91880 Normal? There is no normal. Much appears to be discussed on image boards that is not discussed elsewhere. For young men not interested in karmawhoring, writing their own fuarkking blogs, or amplifying the latest trending hashtag on X, imageboards provide a forum for low effort engagement on stimulating topics. Is it good for us? A good question. Are we substituting low-effort stimulation for high-effort long term reward?

>>91811 Seek counseling! Christ is first-born of the dead, but that doesn't mean we should do harm to ourselves and our bodies.

Since 4chan no longer requires javascript/cloudflare if you go straight to the boards I've got back to lurking on it from time to time and I can't possibly comprehend how retarded the glitterboys on /g/ are, there's at least 3 weekly threads complaining about GNU/Linux distributions taking a political stance by making their logos pride-themed in conjunction with pride month e.g Fedora and NixOS which they despise with their entire bodies, so much so at a point where other threads come up that are basically just "hurr durr I want a distro that's not woke because I can't handle the thought that my distribution is made by people who I don't fully agree with", but when the Xlibre maintainer takes his political stance which happens to align with the same political stance that most 4chan users have he's suddenly a fuarrrking God that the entirety of 4chan loves despite doing the literal same things as the aforementioned distributions but on the opposite part of the spectrum. >but it's the censorship that's the problem They absolutely refuse to use distributions that don't align with their political view, if they'd be in power they'd do the EXACT SAME THING but with the "woke" distributions instead of the right-leaning ones. I'd post this on 4chan but it disallows Tor exit nodes and javascript is necessary for reCaptcha so I just decided to rant here instead.

>>91965 Changing logos to get attention is stupid but also makes sense to gain users (but also occasionally lose some) but people crying about it is just pathetic.

>>91965 >Since 4chan no longer requires javascript/cloudflare if you go straight to the boards but it still does though? how are you using it without js?

>>91968 Not OP but 4chan works fine without javascript, the error that I'm seeing in your picture only happens when I go to the catalog of a board I'm using the Tor Browser with the safest setting though, not umatrix.

>>91969 soykaf you're right it works. can't post without the captcha though, i wish there was a way to circumnvent it because i still use some small boards. by the way wasn't this how it was like 2 years ago? did they actually pull an old build after the hack lmao. >I'm using the Tor Browser with the safest setting though, not umatrix wait, so you're telling me it works with tor too now? does it work too if you block cloudflare? can you post?

I'd like discourse on the effects of cannabis on the mentally ill. Or perhaps, more broadly, how drugs interact with people on the autism spectrum. I could never form relationships with others, whether that was at school as a child, or in the workplace now as an adult. It wasn't that I was bad at social interactions (I was and still am), but there was a complete absence of initiation on my part. I was never interested in people. People just felt like foreign objects that I had no use for, so I ignored them and spent most of my time isolated. As a young adult I'd actually avoid people. I just didn't know what to do with them and they made me exceedingly uncomfortable, but why I could not really say. (I was fascinated by anime and their depictions of interpersonal relationships though.) After decades of living as a hermit I fell into a deep depression. I realized I had been clinging to an illusion that was thoroughly falling apart. I had always thought that if I wanted to I could socialize and interact with others. I could become a "normy" if I tried. I just didn't want to. Now as a middle aged person I have to admit it: something's fuarrrked up with me. I'm not like normal people and I don't know what to do about it and it's making me absolutely miserable, and I don't know why. Cue the doctors who prescribe different regiments of antidepressants, anti-psychotics and other classes of drugs. Nothing I took had significant effects. Most of the substances were imperceptible to me, having neither effects that could be described as positive or negative. A few made me feel somehow more empty than I had been... then I was introduced to cannabis. It did have a very noticeable effect on me. For the first time in my life it felt like I had a body and emotions. I could distinctly perceive the emotional subtext of things. People no longer felt like cold, foreign objects, but as real, warm people--I felt connected to others, as if I were now sharing in our collective humanity. A spark of interest in me welled up for the other. I was curious about them. I completely hitherto new sensation. This interest in the other was accompanied by that other sensation of feeling like I have a body. I have, and had since the start of my recollection, tinnitus. As the cannabis' effects take hold I can perceive the tone of my tinnitus shift to a different pitch. It feels as if I "pop" into a multifaceted dimension, of which only minutes ago felt like a bleak drab nothing. Time feels real. People feel real. My body feels real. Everything just feels real. I love this feeling. I feel alive, but then it goes away. The drug has worn off. I feel like I'm shutting down. I find myself angry, and it's not like anger from before. I _feel_ angry. That's new. Things _feel_ irritating. That's new too. I immediately want more cannabis. I _feel_ content under the influence and it's intoxicating. Thoughts naturally feel positive. I have an inherent drive towards external things because there's now a component of interest associated with it. I'm curious about the world and ideas. I feel like I have a hitherto foreign component: attention. I feel like I can direct what I think about, at will. When the drug wears off I go right back to how I was before, which I would now describe as being eternally entombed in a fog of nothingness. One does not feel any emotions. They're disconnected from their body totally. The mind uselessly wanders in endless ruminations. One feels as if they're devoid of agency as they're falling into patterns of pure reaction. They become a mindless automaton. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I've peeked behind a curtain and what I've seen cannot be forgotten. More accurate to say: I can't forget that feeling of being alive. I want to feel alive. There's other aspects to cannabis that I greatly appreciate. I can recall memories from my past, of which the majority are unreachable. I just don't remember. Things trickle up sometimes when under the influence and I'm always impressed, and unnerved sometimes too. One begins to think that things thought forgotten aren't actually forgotten. That they somehow reside in you forever, in some shape or form. Trivial recall is better too. I'm having greater success in remembering peoples' names. (I can work with someone for years and become distressed that I need to address them verbally, because I don't know their name. It comes up in meetings every day, but I can't fuarrrking remember their name. I know I know it, I just can't recall it.) My speech is less forced and can occur effortlessly, in that I'm internally surprised I'm talking because it literally feels effortless. Beforehand everything felt deliberate, scripted and pressured. To be honest, I feel retarded, but I feel a little less retarded on weed. Too much makes me confused though. So just a little less retarded on little bit of weed.

I just had a really awkward encounter with a girl that I like but I'm almost sure she browses lainchan so I won't elaborate further.

>>91995 That's not autism, that's SzPD and almost a textbook case of it. What you're experiencing is the asociality, avolition, anhedonia, et cetera that all makes up negative schizophrenia. The reason most drugs didn't have any real effect is because most drugs don't impact the aforementioned traits (this is why schizophrenics don't become "normal" on treatment - the hallucinations are gone, but the feelings don't return). You might want to talk to someone, preferably someone who knows what they're doing. Actually, ixnay on it not being autism. I think many schizoids are schizoids because they were autists, and society can't parent autists, so they disconnect from society.

I'm stuck. What are you supposed to do when you complete the cursus honorum of becoming a normal person like everybody recommended and feel even worse than before? I got the job, I got the girlfriend, I made friends, I got in shape, I pursued projects and hobbies, I get along with my parents and close family; now what? I felt better as a drunk shut in loser. Did I scam myself?

>>92027 I didn’t spot wife and children in your list of achievements. You didn’t go all the way yet and you’re trying to pussy out.

>>92027 Now you get to ask the big questions. Who are you, where are you going, and why are you here? Start with the Greek philosophers, and from thereonout work your way up until you get to a satisfactory conclusions in your investigations. You can also throw in as a side dish the topic of "world religions", but the order in which you do this kind of depends on your preferences: do philosophy now, and leave religion for later, or do religion now and then proceed to philosophy. Although, I guess the recommended way forward is by getting a basic intellectual tool set from a philosophy 101 course into logic and conceptual analysis, with which you then, after mastering these, you can then easily start dissecting basically anything you want. glhf I know you'll make us proud ('-')7

>>92039 What a fuarrrking NPC reply.. The real answer is to hit psychedelics first and do this nerd soykaf later

>>92041 >What a fuarrrking NPC reply.. >The real answer is to hit psychedelics Beats being a retarded clown like yourself. Because disintegrating or dissoluting structures of your psyche without understanding as to your ends, or without being equipped with the proper tools to wrap your head around your experiences is exactly just that: acting like a retarded clown who doesn't know what the hell they are doing.

>>92042 Life isn’t the rational textbook that you seem to fancy so much. But let’s pretend for a while that drugs are dangerous - stop taking your antidepressants then.

>>92043 First off, drugs *aren't* bad inherently. It's about how you use them. And secondly, no, I'm not on any kind of antidepressants. Never have been. And thirdly, reality is exactly rational. There's no other way for it to be, as a matter of fact. That is why doing drugs wrong - or, more accurately put: doing them in the wrong order - can actually be harmful for this exact reason: it opens the door for cookery, magical thinking, and personal delusions. First you gotta figure out what is actually real and possible, then you can properly immerse yourself in its content. And no, doing drugs isn't about "fun", but rather a means of personal insight and a catalyst for psychological transformation. Anything less than that is monkey-business set loose in a chemistry lab.

>>92044 I agree with most of what you say, but the path of the rational nerd is not for everyone. Denying the mammal nature of human is also highly sketchy. It is enough to picture your own birth out of your mother’s body and the suckling on her breasts get any doubt out of the way. With that said, I perceive overly rational views on the world as a form of derealization, and I often recommend the experience before the analysis for a fuller life experience.

>>92045 >I agree with most of what you say, but the path of the rational nerd is not for everyone. True, it's not for everyone. But it's going to have to be, if you're looking for actual answers to these questions. >Denying the mammal nature of human is also highly sketchy. It is enough to picture your own birth out of your mother’s body and the suckling on her breasts get any doubt out of the way. That's hardly what rationalism is about. As a matter of fact, it can be extremely irrational to do so. As for the mental image of a baby sucking on a tiddy, I really don't see anything other than each party going on about doing their assigned roles and fulfilling their functions. Nothing strange about that. >, I perceive overly rational views on the world as a form of derealization Well, but that exactly is the beauty of a rational world: you can picture and perceive the world and reality in a million and one way, but that doesn't change the fact that a triangle cannot be by definition a circle, that everything is comprised of form and content, that there are truths of reason and matters of fact, that all mathematical truths are necessarily, and therefore forever true, that every sensation we experience through our senses is essentially a brain-created intepretation that doesn't exist outside the mind, or that there wouldn't be subjectivity without objectivity. A million and one wrong answers, but only one truth. That's rationalist realism for you.

The color in my life is once again beginning to fade. Put in the work and finally got a job and am now coming to terms with the reality that is the monotonous day in and day out of work. I'll keep it brief but I have other hobbies, friends, etc. but I can't shake the feeling of dread as time slips through my fingers, slowly but surely bringing me nowhere. I wait all week for the weekend but then wake up with nothing to do at all. I've struggled with the meaning of life many times throughout my (likely relatively short) life. I always seem to take the idea to a point where I have a functional truth and continue to live in the stream of consciousness. But slowly yet surely I'll awake again and have the same doubts, the same struggles and the same desire for change, in any direction. I hate thinking about it all but cant help it. I don't have too many vices which I'm ashamed of at this point. I constantly work on myself for the sake of my own betterment, not on some self-help guru motives, just purely to put my time and body to use. I now am likely smarter and more fit than I've ever been and even my spirituality feels stronger than in the past. I've really tried to lean into all three of these different pseudo realms in the hope I can find a purpose but so far no luck. Faith, despite the rock its been in my life isn't currently enough to sway me down a path. My aspirations in life are slim to non-existent. I don't care about money, prestige, health, family at any deep level. I do things for the sake of doing it and have no separation between whats good and bad. I'm sure if you were to see me you'd see someone who is excelling at life but it couldn't be further from the truth. As it stands I'm simply waiting to die a slow sober death, due purely to lack of direction rather than lack of ability.

>>92038 I want to rule out suicide before forcing a poor soul to live. >>92041 Already did. They showed me nothing but lies. Unless taken in specific spiritual settings, I believe they're just another recreational drug used for escapism. >>92039 I've never been able to take action. I've read, I've studied, but always stayed the same. What I need to do is to solve is my impotence: I think I know what I must do, what I want to be, but I just can't force myself to start, and can't seem to understand the reason. Reading more theory would just entail more time spent being stuck in my head, absorbing nothing of worth, forgetting it a month later; never active, always passive. >just act then I thought I did (getting a job, a gf, etc), but now believe it was just inertia and luck (found the job thanks to a lucky connection, found the gf thanks to pure chance, and so on); now that my luck has run out and the inertia has started to slowly kill me, I find myself stuck in the same emotional and physical mud. The best work I've read on the topic is Sadly Porn by TLP, but it clearly wasn't enough. I also tried faith (catholic family, catholic country), but that also wasn't enough. I hope this doesn't come across as a "woe is me! look at my pain!": I'm actually looking for a solution; I just can't see how even more reading would do anything when it has done almost nothing positive until now. Suicide is the obvious ending to such a miserable and passive life, but I wanted to try everything else before committing. [one of my photographs as an apology for my ESL wall of text]

>>92048 >I've read, I've studied, but always stayed the same. Hmm. Interesting. I'll admit, my suggestion of "just read lmao, you'll figure it out" is a cop-out on my part, and I realize these days the old Socratic idea that a person would begin to act according to what is virtuous and good from the onset of understanding or knowing what the good is, and automatically realign their whole lives around this knowledge, is a distant fantasy. These days knowing what you should do obviously no longer suffices, perhaps for the exact reason which the book you were referring to suggests: there's a growing societal disconnect between acting and being, of knowing and doing. The rationale I had behind recommending philosophy was my suspicion that maybe you just didn't know what the problem was, or lacked the necessary insight to articulate it - that is, if it's not about you not finding any books which fire you up, raise your spirits, and which you find significant to yourself (or, in a word: reading the "wrong books", like endless self-help books which tell you *how* to do things, but never deal with the *why* to do things), or being unsure how to meta-cognitively ask yourself why you're feeling the way you feel about everything, or what the fundamental nature of the issue you're having actually is, and how to think about it in a way that makes this all clearer to you. From my experience in reading philosophy, there have been clear moments when I have gained an insight or come under a deep realization, which then has pulled my life in a different direction from its previous trajectory. For instance, reading Nietzsche 10 years ago inspired and moved me forward for five years, pushing me to physical and mental excellence. But if reading and studying doesn't have that kind of effect on you, then the solution isn't necessarily to "just read more philosophy". I think there are a few possible explanations for why reading thus far has been ineffective for you: what you read doesn't speak to you, connect with you, doesn't register, and it therefore neither sticks with you or inspires. In other words, what you read is processed at a level where it stays essentially meaningless to you, thus making it hard for you to use as a tool that would move you into action. As we might epistemologically point out: you can't know something, unless you actually believe it to be true. I think you illustrate this attitude or way of relating to what you read perfectly with comments such as >can't seem to understand the reason [for doing what I must do in order to solve my root issue] And indeed, why do anything in which you don't see a point to at all? That would be asinine. Part of the issue many of us, including vast majority of people on this thread, struggle most with is having a purpose or meaning to our lives. Some of the common advices thrown at people who acutely struggle with just these sort of questions include the things you've managed to acquire, and are now worried about losing or end up being proved to be a fading mirage brought on by sheer luck and happenstance, which is why you might think that you actually didn't earn or deserve for this reason. The fundamental issue with this sort of advice (that is, get a job, do a gf, built a cabin, and so on) is that they are ad hoc band-aids that are hoisted upon us from outside, and not necessarily things we choose or want to choose, but rather things we are told we should want to want, because that's what everyone else is doing. To conceive these as meaningful, worthwhile pursuits, we have to actually want them. It's something that comes from within us, and propels us forward to attain them. If you don't want them, then either they are the wrong things to want, or there's something preventing you from or making you unable to embrace these things authentically. Maybe you've convinced yourself that you don't deserve to be happy at all, which is why you now conceive of them as being unfulfilling? Why do anything, what's the point, what's the reason? These are the questions. I myself think most of everything we do has an instrumental value to it: you get an education to acquire the skills to get hired to do a job, because you need the money to buy the groceries to keep yourself fed to give you the energy to pursue the things you want by thinking out what those things are and the means to them, which are brought into clear view by reflecting on what are your values, what you think is important and what you think this life business we're all doing here actually is all about, the pursuit of which ends and reasons then justifies the whole sequence of events and the accompanying logic chains. So, what is this ultimate aim or Terminal endpoint to your life? What is the zero ground upon which your life is grounded? Obviously I can't tell you what to think or explain what your life's reason is or ought to be. But figuring that out can immensely help with bearing this pathetic, soykafty, lonesome, dreadful, miserable thing we call life. As Viktor Frankl stated, you can bear almost anything if you have a reason to bear it. Religion has often provided this higher cause to people, but like with your experiences with Catholicism, grounding your life on "faith" is no longer a sufficient enough or workable justification for us to build our lives around. It has lost its gloss and glimmer, and resonates with us no longer. Obviously I don't have a ready-made solution for you to give, but maybe this is a good clue to what you're after: ask yourself, what pulls you out of your bed every morning? Because if there's a reason for that, it means you're imbuing that reason with the force that is enough to make you move. It's you giving it energy and meaning, and if you follow that trace, maybe you'll arrive closer to the things which you're honestly, truly interested in - reasons other than "well, I just have to, because I must if I want to keep XYZ, otherwise I'm going to be -X, -Y, -Z". Sorry for the meandering monologue. Having a meaning to your life is honestly one of the most difficult things to convey to another people, and trying to advice people on how to go about attaining it is next to impossible. Moreover, some people just don't seem to have a grounding reason for their lives, and they are seemingly doing just fine without one, but maybe for some others that need is a lot more stronger, and if you try to force yourself to have a meaning, it'll just turn into mush. It's either an unconscious sense of everything being right in the world and just as they are meant to be, which is okay, or it's something you have to consciously fight for by forging it during the two-way interaction between your inner struggle with the void and outer struggle with, well, everything that comes with the "outside world".

>>92054 >I'll admit, my suggestion of "just read lmao, you'll figure it out" is a cop-out on my part Reading itself is not the problem; in fact, I am sure that the “right” book, if read properly, would be of tremendous help at the moment. Anything to get me out of this pit I've dug for myself. If you have specific recommendations, they are more than welcome. Having said that, the real problem seems to be: >what you read is processed at a level where it stays essentially meaningless to you They fire me up, even make me unable to sleep at night, but then, every single time, I manage to fool myself, to forget, following a mental process that I still do not understand and that I think is the key to my problem. The cycle seems to be as follows: I fall into a depressive state, a stasis of complete helplessness, which, after a while, makes me unable to stand it anymore, forcing me to react and search for something, anything able to get me out of it; so I start to read, find something worthwhile, think that it's over, that I finally "got it", try to change my life according to the "new" me, and fall back into the same exact trap, repeating the cycle, and forgetting everything every time it happens. It's as if knowledge itself is enough for my brain to trick itself into thinking "that's it, it's resolved, we can skip the painful part of applying it"; knowledge gives me the illusion of change, allowing me to use it as a crutch to never do anything worthwhile; I don't pursue whatever I just discovered, so that what I learn is always superficial enough to not matter, before tripping and forgetting it, having to start over and over and over again. This loop prevents suicide, but also prevents any form of evolution, of progress, and the more it goes on, the less hope remains. >To conceive these as meaningful, worthwhile pursuits, we have to actually want them The key seems to be the "wanting" part; but what should a person who has never learned to want do? The current tosses me around, and the only thing that changes is my age, which makes me even more hesitant. Having understood the no new knowledge seems to be able to stick long enough to matter, that there seems to be a psychological filter preventing it from going deep into my soul, and that that knowledge would be the key to act, what should I do? Understanding the psychological filter would be the most obvious thing, but how should one even start? >What is the zero ground upon which your life is grounded? I have no clue, which is why I'm so easily swayed. I base the few choices I take on vague ideas of what I ought to do, not understanding the "why". I lack a cohesive personality. >what pulls you out of your bed every morning? Inertia and a force I still don't understand, but that is evidently enough to have kept me alive all these years. >Sorry for the meandering monologue Sorry for the confusing and messy reply. I really appreciate your effortpost, thanks. If you have any recs (perhaps on my perception of myself, or something similar, like what "wanting" is? I really don't know), I would love to read them (the perpetual cycle is better than the stasis; hope is enough to keep going (nowhere) for a while): you seem to know your stuff.

>>92055 >I've dug for myself. >fall back into the same exact trap, repeating the cycle Okay, so, clearly - and, sure, rather obviously - you seem to be suggesting that there's an active as well as a passive component into all of this: that part which you seem to be in control of (or: your part in this process as the "prime mover" that originally puts these things into motion and engenders change), and that part which is out of your control (or: which autonomously reverts the effects you yourself had put into motion, against your wishes and without your involvement or regardless of your actions), and which you're still trying to understand. I'm just left wondering, of what kind of time interval are we talking about here? You roll the boulder up the hill, and once you believe to have reached the top, something takes control and throws it down the hill. So, how long did it take for you to reach this supposed new version of you, and in what kind of time did all that effort crumble and you yourself revert to these old patterns of behaviour? Like, if we take as a measuring stick the estimated time it takes to build a new habit (which is about a month), how long did it take to prepare and implement the life changes, how long did you manage to keep this new "level" up, and how long did it take for the effects of these changes evaporated completely, with or without your active efforts to try to stem the tide? This also ties in with your tendency to forget everything you had previously learned. I can understand that if the time interval for going through each stage of this cycle occurs in the span of years it'd be easy to forget things, but then if you have had managed to keep yourself together for that long in your newer form, then such sudden and radical shifts shouldn't occur that rapidly, unless there's an extremely strong force or factor affecting the process. The other thing that makes me wonder is the nature of the change, and the triggers which slowly ate away all the progress you had made. You say it's a cycle, so there's probably a series of patterns which makes some kind of sense, or has a reason behind it. I recall you mentioned something about previous problems with alcohol. So, is the "base level", or your psychological "default settings" related to the kind of negative mentality and depressive thought patterns that was like the dominant state of mind while you abused alcohol, or has there been any improvements during all this time you've been trying to improve in regards to how intensely you experience this "base level" or how radically these tendencies express themselves? Because one would think that all this effort put into creating distance between this "base level" and your new, ideal version of yourself would at least somehow blunt or dull these tendencies or make them milder in comparison to your initial mental state. Moreover, of how radical shifts are we talking about? Like, from being holed in your bedroom for months on end without socializing or going outside to basically being in the spotlight of a world tour 24/7 (ie., 180 degrees shift from an extreme introvert to an extreme extrovert, or are talking about more like habits rather than outright personality attributes)? Although you do characterize the nature of your change as illusory, but is that just due to the fact that you don't think these changes last, or because you realize these changes are more cosmetic than foundational in their nature? >that's it, it's resolved, we can skip the painful part of applying it" Okay, well, you seem to have given a lot of thought in trying to work this out, give your self-aware characterization of your patterns of behaviour. But it's strange that if you've managed to get this far, then haven't you considered that the aforementioned illusory conclusion "your brain" reaches is either one form of aversion or one form of repression? Then we can ask, what it exactly is about the implementation of permanent change that kicks your brain into averting, avoiding or preventing from following it through till the end? Is it simply about avoiding the hard work, or is there some part of you which clings to your old patterns of behaviour for some emotional reasons, like attachment, comfort of old habits, memories, or trying to shield you from fears and insecurities about being within your "new psychological form", and having to be independent and dependable, which you're required to have if you're to maintain or keep up your extroverted persona in in public? I mean, it can be mentally taxing and emotionally exhausting to reach the exact opposite psychological end to your "base level" and keep yourself there, so I wouldn't be surprised if the ultimate reason for this cycle comes down to something like an energy depletion. >The key seems to be the "wanting" part; but what should a person who has never learned to want do? The current tosses me around, and the only thing that changes is my age, which makes me even more hesitant. Having understood the no new knowledge seems to be able to stick long enough to matter, that there seems to be a psychological filter preventing it from going deep into my soul, and that that knowledge would be the key to act, what should I do? Understanding the psychological filter would be the most obvious thing, but how should one even start? As I previously stated, the meaning part of all this is the trickiest part in it, and, in connection to you pointing out the pressing question "what should a person who has never learned to want do?", trying to provide an answer to this is almost paradoxical: you either want to do things, or you don't; hardly nobody would even think to imagine it as something that one learns or that it could be taught to someone. But yeah, this seems to be the key to this whole equation. That, and trying to understand and figure out the filter you mentioned. Again, unless this forgetting is not something we can attribute solely as a consequence of time, then there's some unconscious mechanism which is at fault - it's either that or then we're talking about a genetic issue (I dunno, Alzheimer's?), or physical or mental trauma. And now that we got into this topic, I need to ask, whether you've tried to speak to an actual psychiatrist or a doctor or something, or do you believe that all of this is something manageable and soluble by your own efforts and will? I'd like to believe that people generally speaking know what things are under their control, and which things are just too large and difficult to deal with alone.

>>92055 Anyway, about >what should a person who has never learned to want do? Well, I guess it could be useful to get a general idea on what "wanting" actually is. Obviously (yet again), there's a difference between wanting and needing. I'd like to think that of the two "wanting" is something which is under our own control, and has to do with volition. You can, for instance, "want to want" something for reasons like a) you know that the object of want is the thing you do want as well as *should* want (be it for moral, financial or social reasons or w/e), and b) you intellectually know that the object in question is worthwhile to pursue, but for some reason or another you haven't got the emotional impetus or dimension accompanying your conception of said object. The latter reason is more akin to self-deception, but of a conscious nature. This *might* be one way to try go about learning to want things. As for figuring out how to being investigating the filter, I think you could use the following conceptual scheme: chart out the "logic chains" that govern your daily habits. For instance: I wake up, immediately begin making oatmeal, then I open my pc, and I open browser and check my emails first, after which I open YouTube and watch a few videos from my subscription feed. We can chart this as follows: >wake up >>> oatmeal >>> PC >>> browser >>> emails >>> YouTube. We could treats these as basically comprising of triggers, points and links: waking up is point A and oatmeal is point B (etc.), and A and B are linked to each other through a (or a set of) mental construct(s) that triggers the automated proceeding from point A to B. For me, these triggers are justifications for doing B immediately after A, which include, for instance: (1) I know I'm hungry after I wake up, so I wanna get stop it asap (2) I know that if I don't deal with it right after waking up, then there's a high chance I might miss the opportunity completely, which is why I *need* to get it over with first thing in the morning (3) once this is dealt with, I can focus on other tasks for the day, and (4) I know I'm way too groggy to do anything useful anyway right after I wake up, so making breakfast is the appropriate task to pursue in said state, which is why it's the first one. There are similar triggers (or: grounding micro-reasons) to be found in all the other habits I have in my life, which structure everything I do. Now, if I would want to change something about my current habits, I might map out what the basic "logic chain" is involved in said habits, and analyze by what kind of triggers are they bolted in to my daily "schedule". Maybe I wish to stop watching YouTube videos right after I check my email? Well, then I'd have to burrow down into the triggers that lead me from emails to YouTube by asking "what purpose does this serve at this point within the chain, or what things lead me to this point?" I'd spot that within the points E (emails) and F (YouTube) there are smaller points, like the thoughtless, effortless keyboard maneuver "Crtl+t" which delivers me from E to F. Then I could ask myself "then what's the trigger that led me from E to E½?", and I might see that it there were about three triggers at play: (1) reading the emails is boring and exhausting, so I want to stop it (2) I use a rationalization like "I've done quite a lot of reading so far, so I'll treat myself with a YouTube video, since I've actually earned a little break", and (3) I use another rationalization where I tell myself that "these emails will never stop, so I might as well put it off for tomorrow; after all, there's so much time to get through these all, so it won't be too bad if some of my correspondents don't get a timely response back". So, to change these, I'd make a mental note of that point the midway point between E and F, and the existence of aforementioned triggers involved in it so that next time I'm about to proceed from E to F, I'd stop myself the midway point and start reflecting on these triggers in an effort to convince myself that these are poor rationalizations and that there's a better, higher reason to do a new link, like E >>> G instead of E >>> F. Now, take a few steps back and you could apply this conceptual framework to your cycle by asking, which points link to which, and what are the mental justifications or triggers that grounds them. This way you *might* get to the root of all the factors at play in this process of forgetting by "troubleshooting" everything that occurred between point A ("being-fully-conscious-of-what-I-have-just-learned-and-having-reached-the-ideal-state-of-being") and point B ("having-forgotten-everything-I-have-thus-far-learned-and-regressing-back-to-my-old-habits-once-more"), so that next time you're about to slip up back to forgetfulness, you might try preventing it by burrowing down to the triggers which drive you to point B and maybe "reprogram" them. >I lack a cohesive personality. I somehow doubt that. Most people have at least a few primary functions when it comes to their personalities. You could figure out which of your attributes or characteristics seem to be constant, and which ones transient or exhibiting variability. Clarifying your own personality to yourself might also help you figure out what your "true wants" actually are. To take myself as an example once more, one of my primary functions is thinking. so, "naturally" I enjoy thought and concepts and analysis. That gives me the general idea as to what my wants are. It also gives me a clue as to what my needs are: not only intellectual stimulation, but also - in terms of my developmental needs - what I'm supposed to work on: my feelings. >I really appreciate your effortpost, thanks. Np. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea to give any recommendations, given everything you've just written here. Maybe something fictional would be good, rather than dry, meandering and theoretical books. Maybe something from Hermann Hesse, like The Steppenwolf, and David Lindsay's A Voyage to Arcturus? Both deal with the topic of "change", so in that regard they might be thematically appropriate without being just time sinks.

>>92068 >>92069 I'll try to be concise since I don't want to steal too much of your time and clog up the thread with my blogposts. I'll also try to generalize my problem in a way that may be more universally useful; before that, let me try to answer some of your questions: >what kind of time interval are we talking about here? Usually a month or two for the depressive / inertia part and a week or two for the active "get my soykaf together" part. You can easily understand how it obviously fails before it can truly sediment into my personality/soul. The steps leading to the fall are vague and sneaky enough for me to ignore. >Because one would think that all this effort put into creating distance between this "base level" and your new, ideal version of yourself would at least somehow blunt or dull these tendencies or make them milder in comparison to your initial mental state I keep bits and pieces of what I learn along the way, which gives me hope, but is not enough to create something meaningful. I'm still alive, I still somewhat function, all of which I attribute to what I've learned along the way and the undying (but everyday smaller) hope, but all my worth (if any) is repeadly wasted. >Although you do characterize the nature of your change as illusory, but is that just due to the fact that you don't think these changes last, or because you realize these changes are more cosmetic than foundational in their nature? Both. The changes are superficial, and because of that, they don't last; I steal them as is and fail to apply them to my specific case (since I don't know who I am or what my specific case is), which makes them not last. >what it exactly is about the implementation of permanent change that kicks your brain into averting, avoiding or preventing from following it through till the end? That's the key. My thinking seems to stop when I reach the true reason for my repeated failures; I can't surpass the filter because I've (unconsciously) made it to be perfect and all knowing. If I had to guess, I'd say that >or is there some part of you which clings to your old patterns of behaviour for some emotional reasons, like attachment, comfort of old habits, memories, or trying to shield you from fears and insecurities while being so banal that I dread thinking about it, is the most likely possibility. If I find a "positive" system of belief, a constructive way of life, I suspect that I don' truly believe that it can be applied to my life (low self esteem? learn helplessness soo deep I resufe to believe I deserve or can be helped? I truly don't know). What I can say is that I don't have any real trauma: the decline has been slow and steady; my life has been avarage, no real highs, no real downs (IRL, not mental). >I need to ask, whether you've tried to speak to an actual psychiatrist or a doctor or something, or do you believe that all of this is something manageable and soluble by your own efforts and will? I tried, unsuccesfully. It is not physical (dementia, Alzheimer and all that), I have not abused drugs, alchool (my drinking has always been very "light", kept under control and used as a crutch only when it felt absolutely necessary), and my memory, while not the best by a large margin, seems to work just fine when used academically. For a possibile solution: >I think you could use the following conceptual scheme: chart out the "logic chains" that govern your daily habits I've tried something similar, but never managed to do it well enough for it to be meaningful. Do you have any suggestions / books / articles / anything that might help? Have you applied a similar system to your life or did you make it up for the sake of this discussion? I want to believe it can help on a more superficial level, preventing my body from recklessly destroying itself. >Most people have at least a few primary functions when it comes to their personalities >To take myself as an example once more, one of my primary functions is thinking. While the logic chain may help a lot in the "pratical" side of thing, not allowing me to deceive myself into stopping altogheter, understanding "who" I am at the most fundamental level I'm able to reach can give the general direction I'm looking for. How did you reach "thinking" as one of your primary function? What investigative process can be used to reach the "roots" of your personality? Because I can "feel" a sort of bedrock of who I am, but can't seem to figure out how to actually reach it and explain it (supposing it'd be possibile to a reasonable degree; I don't pretend to be able to explain everything: that would be silly). To summarize: I've created a perfect mental system of inaction, based on some sort of psychological filter (the nature of which I don't understand) that stops the active part of me (which arises from an invisible lifeforce making me cling to life and is directed by primary functions I still haven't identified) for being able to create anything lasting and meaningful; that leaves me stuck in a limbo of trying and self sabotaging. The system becomes incredibly evil in the sense that the "trying" part is enough for me to cope and never reach an actual "rock bottom" that would (maybe) cause a radical change: having found a new meaning (that will not produce anything in the future) is enough for me to not act (because now I have nothing to rebel against, I've "figured it out"), to let the embers burn out. This is an oversimplification, but explains the gist of it. Since the mental prison prevents new knowledge from feeling "meaningful", not letting it stick, the most productive course of action, at least to me, seems to be finding what is already meaningful, what about my personality is persistent, what constitutes "me". If I were able to find something to hold onto, a general direction, be it a meaning or something even more basic, that may be enough make the positive parts of the cycle above actually productive, eventually destroying the cycle itself. What might such an investigation look like? What school of thought, psychological or philosophical theory or whatever, could give me a theoretical framework around which to orbit? It seems like something too big and complex to get there on my own (or I'm just not smart enough to do it to see the obvious answer). >The Steppenwolf Didn't like. >A Voyage to Arcturus Will read, thx. I really like and resonate with Berto's The Male Oscuro, but I'm not sure it's been translated. Also Butcher's Crossing or really everything by Williams. Sorry for my (last) terrible blogpost.

Not a vent but whatever. Thank goodness my country embezzled a gazillion euros from the EU. Get fuarrrked you spineless cowards. There is nothing you can do if your own hands can't form fists from the lack of testosterone.

>>92090 Unless you live in a soykafhole country where there's nothing but sand everywhere, is majority muslim and/or irredeemably zealous about religion, or for some other reason is never able to get its soykaf together for reasons like endemic corruption, ethnic conflicts, being a failed state for decades on end or other such unfixable reason, it shouldn't be too long for you to begin to suffer the same ills as we're facing now, because this is what you get as a result of technological advancement, economic and social development, and higher education.

>>92090 Ukraine(together with Poland) could take on the whole Western European nations. They are going in the wrong direction.

I'm sad my first lover can't be my last, and I feel like used goods.