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Have you ever felt sad because you lost a friend? I did, very much and I fuarrrked it up, I really wish I could redeem myself, but I got angry at him for something stupid. I've meet him here (on a thread I've created). Initially via a person who saw my thread. I really miss him. He was fun to talk to and he had a tulpa (actually multiple I think). I really don't know what to do. I tried contacting him per emails multiple times, but he did seem disinterested ;_; Losing friends really is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I wish I could find a way to reach to him....

Yea and ever since I seem to have lost my humanity and drive. I think all you can do is try to find new people

Yes, I spent one year and a half talking to a person everyday, he had a tendency to cut contact with everyone every now and then, and did so multiple times, it felt terrible. The last time he eventually messaged me again a couple of months later, but I told him it'd be better if we parted ways since he couldn't obviously stand me and I would get tired of his soykaf again too and we were doomed to repeat the same cycle. Even though we agreed to stop talking and parted in good terms it left us a bitter feeling as we did have good times talking and we both were lonely people and you can't throw all of it away that easy. I myself nearly ghosted the person I like the most, out of frustration, it is a soykafty and selfish thing to do to a friend but sometimes it seems impossible to mend a relationship and the only option left for one is to cut contact.

I lost a friend who was working on a project with me and another dude. Really nice and smart fellow. He just disappeared. Came back a couple years later and said gov PSYOPs were getting to him, and he's homeless now. Disappeared again for years. Still keeps our old website running though, so I hope he's still alive. Wish he'd come back. Still want to complete the project someday. It's just me on there now, and the spammers I fight with my adminpowers, sometimes. don't even want to replace him, the ideas we had together were so much fun getting everything ironed out, it just wouldn't be the same. c'est la vie.

I had a best friend back in school, was over 10 years ago but i still miss him. Losing a friend is always hard, but its part of life i think, you should try to make new friends, sometimes you lose sometimes you gain.

Definitely. I lost a female friend who I was really close to in college because I told her in an email that I loved her and wanted to be her boyfriend. She replied in an email saying that she had no idea that I felt that way about her and that she did not want to lead me on so she decided to never contact me again. She wanted me to be open and honest with her so I did. As a result, she felt creeped out and did not want to speak to me again. It has been nearly six and half years since that email exchange.

>>8864 It's not your fault. Males simply have more capacity to love. I'm sure if it was you that a girl confessed to, you wouldn't shun her, right? Males are the sensitive ones, despite propaganda to the contrary. Males historically were required to actively pick up on subtle passive female indications of interest (blushing lips & cheeks, knowing glances, body language, double entente). This means he is supposed to be more in tune with non-verbal communication skills. He is far better at wordlessly gaging threats from other mens wordless emotions, and can console another man just by working side by side in silence. Meanwhile she demands you "talk about your emotions" because she can't read them herself. In this game it is always best for men to keep their emotions hidden from females. She is seeking the best mate she can, not just the first one that comes along. Social rank is perceived lower if she knows she can have you at any time -- then you'll be "friendzoned", put on hold while she attempts to find an even better mate, since you'll not be going anywhere. However, if she is honorable, she will let you off the hook, as your friend did. Thus no matter her response, it's better to remain an emotional mystery to the women you love. Love is a game that is best played longform, and in person... not over email. In person there are physical, visual, audible, olfactory, and etc. inputs that soften such blows. if only you had known that men were the sensitive passionate powerful beasts of burden, who kindly mill about the social sphere, not lashing out while being poked and prodded into service. Then you may have known to expect that the opposite sex doesn't think the same way you do. For she will have unconsciously projected her (mixed) signals, naturally as women are wont to do, for it is why men fall so deeply in thrall. No one "deserves" to know you love them, they must earn this right. Revealing your capacity for love prematurely is always costly.

>>8844 It's kinda hard for me to explain. I have actually many online friends, I'd be pretty exhausted if I'd be talking to them all. I write with them comfy emails. It's a lot of fun, but I often feel I'm missing something fundamentally. I can't help it. Often I think it's irrational how I feel, it's not very sane to think like that and I have troubles quite often to determine if something would be sane, I'm trying my best ;_; >>8868 It's kinda true, all my friends were mostly males. I couldn't imagine a female friend, I worry about their personalities.... I could never trust a female in my life. But probably I'm not better. When I talked starting to some people they couldn't really tell if I was male or female. I'm a big baka, maybe I should tell more about me, maybe people dislike reading about it, still it should be interesting to read. One day I felt pretty sad and searched for something what I'd call "true friend," most would could is childish, still I really wanted it, I was very depressed at the time and I'm still often depressed as it comes like in phases. For finding a "true friend" I've made a thread (https://lainchan.org/hum/res/2762.html) here on this board, I'm kinda unsure what to think of the whole thing. Was it a good idea? Well, I'm not sure. But I've actually talked with many people and learned a lot about them, it was kinda bizarre. Sometimes I've felt that they were very close to me then with time I've saw often differences between us, only a handful I could call my "potential true friends." I think it was like less than a year where I tried to really search for a real friend. Later I made threads on Wizchan and 8chan. I've met there other people with different personalities than on Lainchan. There I also met a person (fairly recent), who I think is fairly similar to me. I really like his personality and everything, he comes far the closest to a "true friend." I'm kinda worried, I think there wasn't anything sexual when I first made that thread, I pictured just a "comfy friendship." I still wish it could be such an innocent friendship, but I'm not sure what he wants, it doesn't also help that my thoughts rapidly shift. I think an other big factor was that I really wanted someone "fun" and "comfy." I would have never wished for a life like mine. Recently I've watched a movie called "The Seventh Continent." I think it was a big part of my fear to end up in something like that, in a boring normal life without real fun, in something bland. I don't understand how people can endure it, it's so strange for me. Maybe something like the "spectacle" in Texhnolyze. Sorry, now I've just wrote something that doesn't fit into the thread. I just wanted to write my thoughts down and I apologize for everyone that got annyoed at me, but I fear it might get harder with time to find people who like imageboards and want to read about strange feelings or ideas.

I have lost many friends in my life. Maybe not "lost", since I imagine I could always contact them and we'd be able to catch up, but perhaps "drifted apart". Still, if they ever told me that they wanted to cut me out or just ignored me, I wouldn't care, and I have always been like this. Never emotionally attached to people, never really cared about anyone and never felt cared for and so losing them wouldn't make me sad. Even a friend that I have known for years from back in school that I often speak and play vidja with to this day I wouldn't care to lose. It doesn't feel like a true friendship, because I don't feel like I can ever be honest with him. I can never fully open up, so I can never become close with anyone and thus can never develop a friendship to the point at which I care about someone enough to feel sad about losing them. So I have always been alone at heart Recently this changed. I met someone online and we clicked almost immediately. For whatever reason I felt comfortable with being completely open with him, and he was too. He was the first person that I ever cared about, and the first person whose care for me I felt. He was my first real friend, perhaps something more. I may have loved him, and he may have loved me too. It was a very passionate relationship, but most importantly it was sincere. I was as open as I could be with him, and it never felt like I was talking to a mask, through a mask. It was the most genuine relationship I have ever had. For the first time in my life I felt connected to someone and not alone. A few weeks ago he told me that he no longer wanted to continue our friendship, that whatever passion he felt has waned. That broke my heart, and for the first time in my life I felt the emotional pain of losing someone. He was so important to me, and when he told me that I broke into tears. It was so difficult for me to focus on anything, he was constantly occupying my mind. And it hurt so damn much. With each passing day it hurts less, but strangely, I don't want it to stop. I want to feel something, no matter how painful. I know that soon I will become detached from him completely and that will be it. I will once again feel empty, because there won't be anyone that I care about.

>>10552 I been there. I found someone physical to open to though. It's healthier.

>>10552 >A few weeks ago he told me that he no longer wanted to continue our friendship, that whatever passion he felt has waned. That broke my heart, and for the first time in my life I felt the emotional pain of losing someone. He was so important to me, and when he told me that I broke into tears. It was so difficult for me to focus on anything, he was constantly occupying my mind. And it hurt so damn much. With each passing day it hurts less, but strangely, I don't want it to stop. I want to feel something, no matter how painful. I know that soon I will become detached from him completely and that will be it. I will once again feel empty, because there won't be anyone that I care about. OP here, I hope you can get over him. I really hope you find happiness, if you want to you could try talking with me (email: lainiwakura@airmail.cc). Maybe we have similar interests and it could help you. I'm not sure, I'm still searching for somebody I truly can be myself with and it's really hard due to my character and everything. I mean he wasn't like the first one, I now probably talked with more than 70+ people already. Some things most people have in common I just can't stand, they always get attached to meaningless things, for example games. And if you take it apart they're nothing, but another soulless container who has nothing going on in his life. Or take NEETs they also make sometimes their character about being a NEET, or working people usually also fall in some sort of cycle. Like if you talk with them you can feel this essence that they all share and it breaks my mind. It feels cold, grey and structured. Honestly, one of these things is that they always have something they can't get over, like some sort of trait, or something. They can't just be totally "selfless." For example depression, wizardry, hate for woman, leftism. They always say "This is me, this is what I'm." When someone says anything against their identity they mostly say "I feel hurt." Even if they don't think it that they do, for example if they get angry, that's a sign something goes against their self image. "Wow, these fuarrrking trump supporters again" or "Wow, these fuarrrking niggers did it again." It's like I'm self contradicting myself here, because I also create some image of myself "This is me, this is what I want." And I feel hurt when I don't get it or it breaks apart. The other part also worries me as much, people who're not attached to anything or in general people who're working "I'm mature, I don't do these childish things anymore." and they all make their personality about maturity, it also feels "soulless." I wish I wouldn't view them as fuarrrking robots, even if I know that it's just their personality that causes me to perceive them as robotic, I just can't stand seeing them like that, people need some sort of spirit. I want to get attached to some sort of person I can trust, but who isn't boring, who genuinely has interests, isn't depressed, not a narcissist, I wouldn't even mind if they're better in everything as I am, I would be finally glad to have found someone who I could look up to. I want to feel happy. I do think sometimes that this is a hopeless cycle with no escape, the only way to win is not to do anything that causes cycles to go on, I still want to experience so many things and I feel I can't if I go that way. Oh, what I mean they shouldn't be depressed is that if you're depressed there's something above that makes you unable to go beyond "I feel depressed, I just can't do it." For example in the past I often tried to help some of my friends, but they didn't want to be helped, and it was my mistake then for trying anyways, they're hopeless at the end and there's nothing I can do for them because they can't just trust me, they always have doubts in their back of their minds or maybe they don't have the energy to keep trying because they failed so often, maybe they feel like a soulless robot, because the world feels soulless for them. I always do it myself, I always try, but always fail to go forward, just now I'm searching again for somebody who "I can be myself" with again with the contradictory nature of the text I wrote. The text feels very disorganized without any structure, I can't see what I want, I can't even describe it concretely, there are so many ideas, I feel I only can say YES or NO to traits people have. I don't have too much control over my emotions, I feel lost now because I always get attached to thing and my mind tells me "just try again until it works." I always try again and keep trying and trying, can I really reach it.... (I had the need to write my thoughts down again, maybe it helps somebody.) Anyways, you got my email if you're interested. I just can't let people who might be genuinely good in spirit go, it would feel like a wasted opportunity.

>>8868 Who hurt you, Lain?

I think I've always been on the opposite side OP. After some time I get bored with people and when i feel that the friendship doesn't benefit me at all and may slow down My growth as a person I move forward. There were some persons, that i had influenced and made a meaningful impact on their lifes, but still after time I feel that it would be more beneficial for all of us to stop contact.

I've lost every single friend I've ever had due to sliding into poverty and becoming Xavier renegade angel basically. When normal people find out you don't have any money they have no reference point for you because they've never related to anyone outside of the social exchange of capital. Also when you become religious that is friend repellant. Even my spiritual friends eventually distanced themselves to me because I went beyond their dogma boundaries. I feel ready to make friends again, but it's such a hassle doing the sorting process again and again. I think the only friends i can really make at this point are other people with severe traumatic experiences and people with a hole blown out in their aura.

>>10553 I bet it is. I wish I could befriend someone IRL, but I can never develop a meaningful relationship with the people that I meet. I try, but we are never compatible. >>10558 >I hope you can get over him I don't know if I ever will. It doesn't hurt anymore, I am over that. Still, the underlying connection that we have developed hasn't ceased, and I don't think it ever will. I don't want it to. I want to remember him and still feel something when I think of him in years to come. Even though he is no longer in my life, I want him to stay with me in spirit. That's how significant he is to me. >if you talk with them you can feel this essence that they all share and it breaks my mind Are you talking about people who fall into general archetypes, to the point that they are almost comically predictable? I don't understand what you mean by attachment to games, but I understand the part about NEETs and working people. >They can't just be totally "selfless." Yes. People struggle with this, especially social people because they can never find the time to introspect and find their true selves, so instead they attach onto something external and adopt a faux self image. Of course, they think that it is really "them", but that is only because they have never truly thought about who they really are. This is due to social pressure and the desire that we have to fit in somewhere. It is human nature. I would elaborate on this but I'm struggling to think these days. Back when I was a NEET it was easy for me to put my mind to use. Now that I've started university, I feel like my mind has diminished. I operate on auto-pilot, unconsciously going through the motions of life. It's a terrible feeling. >It's like I'm self contradicting myself here You are, because you are also human. It is good to acknowledge your nature. I should add that there is a chance that he will come back to me. I don't know how likely it is, but I am hopeful. >>10619 I was headed in the same direction as you, the direction of personal growth above all else. But then I met him, and around that time I began feeling that the entire concept of personal growth was meaningless. What's the point? To me the only meaningful things are those that are as close to whatever truth is. I want to figure out the truth about the human condition, and I found that only in solitude can I introspect without interference. I am still human though, so I desire social contact. I figured that if I find someone with whom I can have a genuine, sincere relationship I would satisfy my desire for a relationship and since our relationship is sincere, I won't lose myself and thus my thoughts will not be interfered with. >>10623 >Even my spiritual friends eventually distanced themselves to me because I went beyond their dogma boundaries You are no longer on the same wavelength.

>>10623 What do you believe in? I'm very fond of Buddhism. I wrote some things, I'm not sure in what "level" you're on, but maybe you like the ideas I had and we can discuss them (lainiwakura@airmail.cc) or maybe we could discuss your ideas, if you tell me what your beliefs are! I attached an image, look at it (it was when I researched Buddhism, so my writing could be come off as somewhat immature and I wrote it to a friend who's not really interested much in religions and just like a normal guy), I wrote some of my ideas down and I think maybe you could profit from my POV and I could profit from yours. >>10626 >I bet it is. I wish I could befriend someone IRL, but I can never develop a meaningful relationship with the people that I meet. I try, but we are never compatible. I'm not sure about that, often the people you meet in RL are often just not on the "same wavelength" and it's really hard to meet somebody who really is more on your wavelength, meanwhile the internet makes it easy to search for people with the same interests. I guess both have advantages. >Are you talking about people who fall into general archetypes, to the point that they are almost comically predictable? I don't understand what you mean by attachment to games, but I understand the part about NEETs and working people. Well, you could call it archetypes, but it's much more refined. Imagine colors, for example imagine depression would be grey and sadness would be dark blue. Now if you mix them you get a certain new color or image. It's like that with people, they have different traits. I do imagine them in different voices when I read texts, and even my inner voice does change when I'm in certain moods, but they all have a certain essence and I know the aspects of it, I know their character and I know how they feel about things, it's strange, I'm not saying that I can understand them to 100%. It's like that, when you hear them talking I know their essence how they are, to a certain extent or if I read texts from them, the voices are all colored, a schizophrenic sounds different from a person who works, or from a NEET or from someone who's going to kill himself, they all have a certain colored essence, spirituality would be more like pure ethereal white, because in the truest sense if you do it it's free from cycles and attachment, hence it's just pure white, because nothing affects it and nothing negates it. It's like a total state of harmony. The voices are their identity, how they even perceive themselves, it's all they are, they think, but it's just something that manifests and it's nothing that truly exists. For example when I'm thinking currently I use a different voice when I first wrote the other text, the other voice was female, but now it's male. Oh, for example working people all have some voice characteristics they share, but at the end they have certain characteristics in their voice that makes them different. Also, it shouldn't be understood as the voice they use daily, it's more like their spirit or mind voice. This is for example how trans people happen, I guess. For example they lose their other voice and identity and then they create a new one around being female "This is what I'm, I want to be female, I'm female." They become delusional and lose the sense of reality, they can't see how it's just another part and it's not really the thing that they are, it's just some state that makes them delusional and sometimes it goes away, like people who're angry and then they get back to normal, they temporarily switched in place with something else, maybe their inner voice also changes when they're angry, I don't know because I'm not them, I can only speak for myself (though I don't think it's normal to use different voices and male and female voices).... >Back when I was a NEET it was easy for me to put my mind to use. Now that I've started university, I feel like my mind has diminished. I operate on auto-pilot, unconsciously going through the motions of life. It's a terrible feeling. I know what you mean, it often comes when you have some sort of routine in RL and sometimes your whole character changes because your life looks now different. If you're aware that you're on auto-pilot you can stop it and break out of it. Most people are on auto-pilot and it makes them seem like NPCs, it's disgusting because they're not truly sentient anymore and just go after impluses, although they can break out again if they want to, but it's generally hard for them because "I like that, I want to continue having that, I don't feel like it." Honestly, I wish I could talk with you more, you certainly seem like a smart person, but I fear you don't feel like talking to me more, which is quite a strange feeling to me. I feel we're on the same wavelength, the way you write, the way your thoughts are structured, the way you structure your posts. I really wish we could talk, but at the end I'm not sure if you want to, I'm sorry I'll stop now and let you decide. It's just always a hassle to find a smart person who's not totally robotic and has feelings and still wants to talk with you. I just don't want to let this chance go to waste, hence I'm always replying to people who I think could be interesting to talk with and who seem somewhat on my wavelength. Anyways, I created https://lainchan.org/hum/res/2762.html in the past, you can see my interests there and maybe you feel like talking to me. Honestly, I would have done many things different would I have created the thread now, because I was very different back then, still the desire didn't really vanish and it's really hard as fuarrrk to find somebody you can relate to because of the things I've mentioned. Will check the thread later again.

>>10628 >Speaks of the unmoved mover >goes to Buddhism The supreme glitterboy

>have you ever been sad because you lost a friend? no man, never, im an absolute machine. friends are nothing to me, i feel ecstatic when I lose people i love.

I've lost all my friends preemptively when I turned 26. I simply realized that I've spend way too much time pondering stuff, to a point where TV tropes, preexisting ideas that most people don't know or get, and even a few schools of actual, academic philosophy emerged, all of this color- and texture coded with arbitrary associations in my head. Now half of all places, textures, times of day, colors, situations and patterns remind me of one or several of those ideas, meaning I'm permanently locked in those ideas unless amnesia or death gets me. It would take a person years, several hours a day and several days a week to get to know me well enough to eliminate the need for me to "translate myself", something which makes interactions feel distant. Based on experience, at least 90% of people (even from a pool of university students) aren't interested in the level of pointless-theoretical I feel excited and home at. Even when I find a person who might be able to do this, they have a life to live and goals to achieve which in the reality of the 21st century means we're not gonna spend that much time together unless we're permanent colleagues or married. As a result of the two paragraphs above, I simply resigned to the fact that I won't ever have the life-long kind of friend I wanted, as they have to be present during times that define you - be it growing up or something life-changing. I want such a friend because this kind of human connection is absolutely awesome, NOT because I need it. It beats family and significant others (unless they are also such a friend under the hood). As this one became infeasible, it's time to move on to other absolutely awesome things that beat the usual forms of human connection. Things like being a shining success story nobody can even follow, or going full psychosis and dreaming every dreamable reality from inside, perhaps boarding the chaos coaster and living in the moment and dying in some accident or incident soon, enjoying every moment of it very thoroughly.

>>10558 >Some things most people have in common I just can't stand, they always get attached to meaningless things, for example games. And if you take it apart they're nothing, but another soulless container who has nothing going on in his life. Or take NEETs they also make sometimes their character about being a NEET, or working people usually also fall in some sort of cycle. Like if you talk with them you can feel this essence that they all share and it breaks my mind. This is not an offensive reply so don't take it so. You're doing exactly the same thing - you're attached to a meaningless idea of friendship and meaning, one that you probably (long shot) scavenged from anime, movies, books, the bright side of social media, or any other form of fiction. I bet it feels like you're in a garden with the most beautiful flowers but nobody else can see them, so you can't share the beauty and they just keep walking over the damn little things. This is what values are, arbitrary patterns people obsess over. They are completely meaningless, although ones related to sensory pleasure or long-term strategies to maximize it emerge more readily in most people. People probably can't express or won't trust you with why they really see meaning and value in those games and serious adult lives you're soykaftalking, and similarly you also can't get your invisible flowers across to them. Most people aren't aware, or intuitively understand this situation and so stop trying not to step on flowers, sometimes even willing to fuarrrk up their own ones. Who you are is also similarly meaningless as you're inseparably made of your environment, although with enough insight you might be able to pull up some imaginary borders that help predict and manage yourself well. People often try to escape their past and their dependence on environment by moving to a new town or country, but they never move to the moon or under the sea. They depend on life to work roughly the same way, and can't really cut themselves out of that with any amounts of imaginary borders. >>10626 >>I was headed in the same direction as you, the direction of personal growth above all else. But then I met him, and around that time I began feeling that the entire concept of personal growth was meaningless. You don't choose one or another, finding people like that requires and is part of personal growth. You can't walk with them if you stop. People who walk/grow alone are lonely, people who stay with each other without walking are dead fuarrrkers in the ground. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrGgIxekRG8 >>10628 Be extra careful with all the crust around Buddhism. The core idea is emptiness, and everything else is bullsoykaf made by monks who understood emptiness, but through no struggle were able to pronounce or express it. They just hoped that if they say the most profound and irrelevant stuff, some smart fuarrrks out there will get it - that's your zen koan stuff. Finally, some of them kept trying for so long, their own intentionally skewed teachings filled whatever emptiness they made in themselves, and poof you have them talking about <N things> and peace and eating vegan food. If you're into anime, Texhnolyze and Kara no Kyoukai expresses 'nothing' better than most buddhist materials ever will.

>>10667 >This is not an offensive reply so don't take it so. You're doing exactly the same thing - you're attached to a meaningless idea of friendship and meaning, one that you probably (long shot) scavenged from anime, movies, books, the bright side of social media, or any other form of fiction. I'm aware of the problem, I'm still very immature, I just saw it today again, I got attached to a meaningless thing again, I felt emotions because of it, I invested time in it and at the end it bites me. >I bet it feels like you're in a garden with the most beautiful flowers but nobody else can see them, so you can't share the beauty and they just keep walking over the damn little things. Depends, it's tied to your identity, mostly to your perception and people with the same perception might feel similar things beautiful, you absolutely can change the identity of a person, it's actually fairly simple if you do it correctly, the average person could change their identity completely in over a month. >People probably can't express or won't trust you with why they really see meaning and value in those games and serious adult lives you're soykaftalking, and similarly you also can't get your invisible flowers across to them. I don't need to, they're both the wrong ways and basically just endless cycles. Still sometimes I loss control because I was still or again got attached to something "Maybe it's different this time, it surely won't disappoint me." It's really retarded and I can't believe how I can think that myself. It happened because "I want" and this is wrong, it depends on something I don't have control over it can make me feel good or bad but it surely makes me sometimes feel bad because it makes me feel good in other situations. >Who you are is also similarly meaningless as you're inseparably made of your environment, although with enough insight you might be able to pull up some imaginary borders that help predict and manage yourself well. It's quite simple if I wouldn't get so attached strongly to things it would be solved. Basically "don't make an identity out of yourself." Of course there are quite some other aspects which would help it.... >Be extra careful with all the crust around Buddhism. The core idea is emptiness, and everything else is bullsoykaf made by monks who understood emptiness, but through no struggle were able to pronounce or express it. It really doesn't matter what the core idea is, let me explain. I think Buddhism is more about really understanding what the state means what it means, why they're important. If you get in the right mindset you understand them intuitively and you don't need all the other stuff because it seems obvious to you. Buddhism is actively experiencing it and seeing how these ideas relate to everything that happens. I'm not sure what you think of my understanding of Buddhism or me at all, I feel you seem that I don't quite grasp Buddhism yet, which might be my wrong perception currently. I do think that what you say I can understand intuitively, but there might be some things which I haven't yet thought of, because it's basically impossible, there are infinite levels how it can be understood. What I mean with infinite levels is, take for example commutativity of binary operators in mathematics, it has a certain property, the essence and this property also happens in other levels. For example it happens physically or mentally sometimes, it just describes that two paths that have certain properties lead to the same destination, so does the teachings in Buddhism, it's infinitely applicable on all levels of existence. I feel now much more calm again, I do sometimes get emotional due to attachments, and my personality changes. I feel we're both trapped and can't really see the other person how he perceives things, hence misunderstandings on both sites. You might think that I see the things this way and I think you might see things that way and at the end we both missed the "direct contact." It feels like trying to teach a child about colors with just shadows of colored balls.

To be honest, there are so many schools of though within the Buddhism, that they often don't even agree with each other on what the core idea is.

>>10628 This is the fifth time that I am starting this reply. Each time I wrote out an elaborate piece of this grand theory that I am working on and each time as I wrote more, I become more confused and contradictory so I gave up. I am so far from figuring it all out. >the people you meet in RL are often just not on the "same wavelength" Yes, but to find someone offline that is on my wavelength would be better than online, although I often wonder about that. There is a certain charm to online relationships. Not to mention that offline we are so much more likely to develop masks and be dishonest because there is so much more at stake. Online I can always change my username. Offline, I can't exactly change my name, or face for that matter. What I say offline is permanently attached to me, what I say online is permanently attached to whatever username I use, and I can always change that. Or like here, it isn't attached to anything because I am anonymous. When we don't have anything at stake we can be honest, and this is why people offline are dishonest. We are so fundamentally incompatible with one another that we must be dishonest just to get along. This is how society functions. Society is essentially a collection of people who all deceive each other as a compromise just to get through the day. Once you compromise with another, you compromise yourself. And this compromise is what I mean by a meaningless relationship. Two friends offline are largely incompatible, so they must compromise a lot, therefore they must be dishonest, therefore their relationship is meaningless. Another problem is that people, especially social people but generally anyone who doesn't find the time to introspect and discover their true nature, have no idea who they are. I always pick on social people because so long as they are social, due to the aforementioned issues with not being anonymous, they are dishonest. And the issue is that they are not aware of their dishonesty because it is subconscious. When I speak of dishonesty I do not mean that people directly lie, but rather what I mean is that they do not act according to their true nature, just to be clear. The best example that I can give is political opinions that people claim to hold. Say someone supports system X, or candidate X. They honestly believe that they support X, but the reality is that in order to hold a genuine political opinion one must be well-versed in economics, sociology, philosophy and other disciplines. But they are not, yet they have deceived not only themselves but also their peers into believing that they support X, when in truth they do not, for they do not understand what it really means to support X. This false self-image arises subconsciously as a result of social people desiring to fit in, and fitting in, because we are so incompatible, is always a compromise. The true self is compromised as it reaches a compromise with others in the form of fitting in. But people don't know their true self, so they have no idea what's going on. They are drones. Living in accordance with your true self is what it means to live meaningfully, and since a lot of people do not know themselves, they live meaningless lives filled with meaningless interactions and relationships. I'm going to stop now because I'm getting confused again. I feel so stupid, like I said. My brain just isn't working the way it did a few months ago. I feel like a drone. I have much more to say but I can't get it out coherently. Perhaps you can relate to this feeling, but it annoys me make this post because it is unfinished and unrefined. All this stuff that you say about colours, I feel that I vaguely understand what you mean, but I am not sure. We might be talking about the same thing in a different way. >I fear you don't feel like talking to me more Why do you feat that? I think that we are very similar, at least our thought process is.

>>10801 >Each time I wrote out an elaborate piece of this grand theory that I am working on and each time as I wrote more, I become more confused and contradictory so I gave up. I am so far from figuring it all out. Heh, don't worry it's going to make sense for you in the future, I'm sure. This is how we do the right things, by making also mistakes and then learning from them. A person who never tries is already dead. >Yes, but to find someone offline that is on my wavelength would be better than online, although I often wonder about that. This is certainly true, but never forget that if you really like someone online and they also like you then you could maybe meet in RL in the future, so it's not all that dark. I know in certain cases it's wishful thinking, but sometimes it just works out. >Not to mention that offline we are so much more likely to develop masks and be dishonest because there is so much more at stake. Online I can always change my username. Offline, I can't exactly change my name, or face for that matter. Yeah, that's why I always searched online, I couldn't find someone in RL that would be on my wavelength, it would be like searching for an unicorn. While online I know there's a chance that I can meet someone on my wavelength. I want a honest person, I want someone I can trust. I want to have them real responses, responses which feel genuine like yours now. >Society is essentially a collection of people who all deceive each other as a compromise just to get through the day. Once you compromise with another, you compromise yourself. And this compromise is what I mean by a meaningless relationship. Exactly!! It feels nice to be understood by someone, you only can truly forge a friendship with someone if they don't have any masks on, which is pretty rare nowadays offline. A friendship with masks is indeed meaningless, it's fake, it has no substance, if the masks fall so does the friendship. >The best example that I can give is political opinions that people claim to hold. Say someone supports system X, or candidate X. They honestly believe that they support X, but the reality is that in order to hold a genuine political opinion one must be well-versed in economics, sociology, philosophy and other disciplines. But they are not, yet they have deceived not only themselves but also their peers into believing that they support X, when in truth they do not, for they do not understand what it really means to support X. Well, this is how they make an identity out of themselves, they do feel X, think mistakenly that X is their core then they get attached to this idea of X, how it relates to other things, they feel hurt if X gets hurt, they feel hurt if someone says something negative about X. They think they're objective when they're just deceiving themselves by identifying with X. Sometimes I wonder if people think personality is static, I think it isn't, it's much more dynamic. Only if people cling to something particular it seems like it's static, but they're mistaken. >This false self-image arises subconsciously as a result of social people desiring to fit in, and fitting in, because we are so incompatible, is always a compromise. Well, there are many other cases where people don't identify with society, but still make a false self-image. For example people who're for some reason against society and make it part of their identity, but it causes the same thing at the end as clinging to society as some sort of absolute. >But people don't know their true self, so they have no idea what's going on. People are too busy with things that don't really matter, they try to catch them, they try to be happy due to them, but at the end most fail to understand what really matters. They need to look into themselves and see what personality, emotions and thoughts exactly mean. They're very related to each other, but their true nature is much more subtle to understand, often people miss what they really are. I can't even describe it exactly. It's like seeing a shadow of a true form, and then mistakenly believing shadows are the true form. This also happens on all levels of being. There are infinite levels of layers, they all have their own function, like the world as materialistic layer, emotions as another layer. Layers create layers, for example if you interact with the thought layer or the emotion layer, you get something that looks like a personality. Mathematics also has this layer, everything has layers, sometimes they're imaginary, but all truly exist in some form, even only in your mind sometimes. The things that happen on them look like things that happen on other layers, there's some sort of pattern. For example cycles, cause and effect, death and birth. Emotions are born, they die. Plants are born, they die. Thoughts are born, they die. >They are drones. Living in accordance with your true self is what it means to live meaningfully, and since a lot of people do not know themselves, they live meaningless lives filled with meaningless interactions and relationships. That's somewhat true. It's actually what I'd call almost like a negative magnetic field, it's invisible but has a very strong effect on people, they get into the rythm of it and they can't stop. If you just stop and sit there you can see sometimes how this makes you do things automatically, it's like being on autopilot. If you give in and continue you slowly lose "your spirit." It gets weaker you become a worker drone, you lose your sense of the real you. Look at children, they're very curious and they have strong emotions, but as they age often it happens that they get less curious and they lose somewhat their strong emotions. Often a person who would have strong emotions and is curious would be called childish, because that's often how children are. >I'm going to stop now because I'm getting confused again. I feel so stupid, like I said. My brain just isn't working the way it did a few months ago. I feel like a drone. I have much more to say but I can't get it out coherently. Perhaps you can relate to this feeling, but it annoys me make this post because it is unfinished and unrefined. I can absolutely relate to it, it feels like something I could have written myself. I enjoyed your post. Don't worry, it was nice to read and I'm glad there's a person who also has quite similar thoughts to my own. We feel quite much one the same wavelength and that's really cool. >All this stuff that you say about colours, I feel that I vaguely understand what you mean, but I am not sure. We might be talking about the same thing in a different way. Oh, yeah. I'll explain it better in detail to you in the future. But it's quite like music, for example there's music which you would enjoy if you would be angry or music if you'd be sad. Music if you'd be happy. That's also a form of coloring. They look colored. For example music that feels meaningful has this meaningful essence and it's the same as a person who wants something meaningful, it has the same color. Even plants have some sort of essence, there's probably music who has the same essence as plants. There's music who sounds insane, it's like trying to visualize a essence with sound waves. >Why do you feat that? I think that we are very similar, at least our thought process is. We are. Well. Well, because we're still on an anonymous imageboard and I'm worrying that I'll lose the contact to you, it happens very rarely that I meet a person who I can really identify with so much, that's why I'm really worried if the thread would die. I want also to be friends with you, because it feels like we're on the same wavelength. I really want to. You have my email in case you want to talk to me more (lainiwakura@airmail.cc). I really would be happy if we could try and become more than anonymous posters on an imageboard. I'm pretty sure you get how I feel now, maybe you feel similar to me. I like how you think, that's why I want to talk to you more and I don't want to lose you, because it's rare meeting someone who's on one's wavelength that much. You couldn't find someone like that on non-anonymous imageboard. Even if we talk over email, I won't change and I'll be honest with you as I'm now, because you want to have someone honest, and I know that, someone who doesn't have a mask, someone you can identify with yourself. (BTW I really like the image you've chosen.) These anime images feel pretty meaningful to me. I hope you liked my post.

>>10801 Are you still there, this is why I'm unsure about writing to people.... Anyways, I hope you read my other post at least.

>>10808 >>11041 I'm still here. I don't know what to say. It is difficult for me to give you a decent reply, it takes a lot of effort since I am struggling to think, in addition to my laziness. >A friendship with masks is indeed meaningless, it's fake, it has no substance But it can feel good. Same with relationships. People may fall in "love" whilst wearing masks, and whilst technically it is meaningless, it is hard to let go. Perhaps love creates a path to a meaningful relationship. Once you are in love you can begin shedding the masks until none are left, and since you are in love you will never reject the person, no matter how they truly are. I feel that there is a lot to be said about this, I don't know much about love. >For example people who're for some reason against society and make it part of their identity, but it causes the same thing at the end as clinging to society as some sort of absolute. I don't mean "society", I mean any collective of people, or goal or idea that people attach themselves to in order to fit in. These are external, so these people who do not know themselves unknowingly attach themselves to something that isn't internal and deceive themselves into thinking that it is. People on imageboards talk about normal users as those people who fit in with generally accepted social values, essentially the social norm, hence normal users. But in an emo society the generally accepted social norms are different than those of society in general, so regarding the standard of society in general they are not normal users, however if you regard them to the emo standard, they are. So there are different brands of normalglitterboyry, and they are external. To be a normal user is to essentially act or be according to some standard. To not be a normal user you must not attach yourself to any external standard and live on your own terms, regarding your own internal standard. I suppose that would make you a normal user regarding yourself, but there is nothing wring with that because the standard to which you have attached yourself is internal, it is yours, so you are living a meaningful life true to yourself. >I want also to be friends with you, because it feels like we're on the same wavelength Being on the same wavelength does not guarantee a friendship, it just means that we understand each other better. I could still get to know you and not develop any feelings or care for you. I struggle to get attached. This friend that decided to leave me, he wasn't entirely on my wavelength. He didn't particularly understand what I was saying but he was willing to listen and understand, and he cared for and loved me. And I love him, for his personality, for his demeanour, for the fact that he cared about me. I don't fully understand why I feel that way that I do about him. He still loves me, but he can't help his urge to get away from me. He doesn't want to talk about it either. I have a similar urge with people generally. I want a relationship but I also want to be alone, and I don't know which I should choose. I always felt the urge to get away from him, and now that I am, I feel the urge to be with him. I can't choose one or the other. I figured that in a meaningful relationship I could have both, but I don't know. There is so much that I don't understand. It is interesting that you sound exactly like I do in your last paragraph, and you say the same things that I told my friend. In your other thread you talk about love and caring, and I agree completely. You speak about wanting to completely attach yourself to someone. I do too, but like I said, at the same time I want to isolate myself. I don't know which I want. I want one or the other, and I feel that I must commit to one, but I can't. I don't know which path to take. You said that you won't change yourself. And whilst I agree that people should stay true to themselves and relationships with only those people with whom they are compatible, you yourself said that personalities are dynamic. People change, and that if that change can be facilitated by a meaningful relationship or generally a meaningful influence, then it is a good change to embrace. There is of course a difference between genuine change and putting on a mask, but I don't have to explain that to you. Without changing and growing together, I think that meaningful relationships are impossible, because people are naturally incompatible. We must make compromises, but they must be meaningful compromises. I am not sure about this last bit, but this is the conclusion that I have reached so far. All this being said, despite us being on the same wavelength, we may not become friends. The wavelength is only one trait, and it may not be enough to make me care about you. I am willing to try and see where it takes us. I don't know when, but I will contact you soon.

>>11042 >I'm still here. I don't know what to say. It is difficult for me to give you a decent reply, it takes a lot of effort since I am struggling to think, in addition to my laziness. Hey, it's OK, I was just worried that you lost interest.... You can take your time if you need to. Actually sometimes in the past the same what you did now I also did, just not responding and waiting, the other person then asked me what happened with me. I'll just see what you do, I know exactly how annoying it is to have "an obligation to reply to someone." When I feel like that I usually also feel that I need to respond in detail to the other person. >I feel that there is a lot to be said about this, I don't know much about love. What's with the other guy you were mentioning? Didn't you feel very good when talking with him. Wasn't that like a "mild" form of.... >Being on the same wavelength does not guarantee a friendship, it just means that we understand each other better. I know that, but it makes it easier to develop something genuine. Even if you don't feel like it yet, maybe you feel different at a later point in time. >I struggle to get attached. I was very strongly like that two years ago, it was really hard for me and it still is, I just really can't be bothered to explain to people who don't know how I think, explain how I think. It sounds absurd and paradoxical, but I probably don't even need to tell you what I mean, you get it intuitively. Still I want to have someone who I can be myself with. At best someone who I don't need to write 1000 words to explain something that's just apparent to me. I just get some sort of reflex that hinders me from just saying it. I just can't do it with most people. I think it's really hard for me to get genuinely attached to someone, usually when I do I get hurt by the other person, that's why I'm a bit wary of it.... >I want a relationship but I also want to be alone, and I don't know which I should choose. I know what you mean, I'm not sure if for similar reasons, but they might overlap a bit. I want a relationship to develop something meaningful, something "fun." Well, you know what I mean. Just something that fills you with joy and excitement and also some sort of deep satisfying feeling. I want to be alone because it's often very tiring communicating with other people, it takes time to write a reply and sometimes I just take a really long time to write a reply to people I don't think are absolutely important. It seems cold, but if, I want to concentrate mostly on one person, and I wish the other person would do the same. I wonder if you feel similar. >I don't know which I want. I want one or the other, and I feel that I must commit to one, but I can't. I don't know which path to take. The smart choice here would be, to try it and when it doesn't work then you still can be alone. But I understand about the idea of "committing." It's quite hard if the one will reveal itself to be the "wrong choice." And you would feel immensely bad about it. Feeling hurt and lost. >Without changing and growing together, I think that meaningful relationships are impossible, because people are naturally incompatible. We must make compromises, but they must be meaningful compromises. I am not sure about this last bit, but this is the conclusion that I have reached so far. Of course, that's also one reason why most break, people just can't make compromises. I do think most people are unable to make compromises. But isn't it still paradoxical that we seem to think so similarly? Maybe there needs to be some sort of direction where they both need to go I guess. Sometimes they need to make decisions that affects them both and they need to either take the decision that goes in their direction or they just diverge. I guess that's what you meant with meaningful, if they just do their own thing, they're not really meaningful because now they diverge and it breaks. >All this being said, despite us being on the same wavelength, we may not become friends. Maybe we won't, maybe we will. There's only one way to find out. I'm more worried about not trying than failing. >The wavelength is only one trait, and it may not be enough to make me care about you. I know that, it just needs to work all together. I do think that it is possible that we reach common ground. Also, the same thing is true for me, sometimes I had high hopes for people and at the end they weren't really what I wanted even if they had traits that made them seem "likeable." Even this way you think about this particular thing seems not foreign to me, what I mean there's some sort of very strong opposing sides and it just looks strange to many people who don't think like that. They expect something and then they get something totally different, that makes them think "That's just weird behavior". I really can't explain it well, but I'm pretty sure you get what I mean about that. >I am willing to try and see where it takes us. I don't know when, but I will contact you soon. Thanks, I do really enjoy writing with you.

>>11042 Already one week over, I hope you're doing fine and you're not annoyed by me writing again, I just felt like writing my thoughts down, for you and for myself. In the last days I thought a lot about what I find beautiful, it's a bit hard to explain, but I think the essence of things. I talked already a bit about it, not only persons have that for me, but also other things. Like buildings, forests.... Like for example feeling sad about a building that got demolished and thinking about it as a person who gets killed, the building had some kind of essence, not something general, but something specific. I also remember once when I got a bit annoyed when someone was turning on a flashlight in the forest because it ruined the essence for me, it would be like watching Mushishi and then someone thinking burning the forest down would be a good idea, in short terrible. I don't think many people do feel so extremely about these things. Well, to a certain degree maybe, but they usually only have 1-2 things that they're really passionate about. I thought about if fantasy is "better" than real things in the world, like imagination over things that are created by your physical effort. I quickly discarded the idea that fantasy is something that's always better and "something perfect." An example, when I was young nobody told me about Linux, I think I saw some other systems in sci-fi, but I only came later in contact with other OSes and I really liked the essence of it, in short it was much better than the other things I had known and imagined, the interface was mostly simple and extensible. Everything worked together and could be replaced with something else. But it wasn't something that was build in a day, it was more like something that was build with great effort and at the end it overreached the "fantasy and imagination." It's quite hard to say what exactly the point of this is. I'm not saying that "fantasy" is limited, more I'm saying that something that got effort likely evolves into something with a spirit. Anyways, there was a reason I've mentioned that now. I thought in the last days about all the VNs I've read and got a bit concerned if some ideas in them were just possible as fantasy and the ideas there not realizable in the real world. For example how the people there interacted with each other, after thinking carefully, I don't think it's limited to these VNs. A person thought about them, how they interacted, he had it in his mind, so it shouldn't be a problem to translate it in the real world as long as he has the right people who share his passion, they would likely evolve into something similar as in his fantasy given the right parameters. On a site-note, you should try Steins; Gate if you haven't already. It really made me happy an excited when I've read it for the first time, I marathoned it in one setting. The characters, the world, the music, everything just worked very well together. There's one last reason I'm mentioning this (to you specifically), you see these things are all working like a chain in my mind. I was a bit concerned if these ideas (like friendships) could even work realistically, I think I have an answer now. I think it can work if both people put effort into making it reality. This was the main reason, I was concerned if my ideas were just nonsense, if they couldn't work, that's why I just told you all these things, I really want to make them reality. I guess the text I wrote could be seen a bit chaotic, but I'm certain you'll understand. (Oh, it seems almost like I'm doing something theoretical here, like doing it only in theory but not in practice. I want to prove it also in practice though!) Anyways, I will try to not talk that much anymore about this topic, because it would be as bad as these people who just talk about things but never do something concrete of value and realize their ideas, making them reality.

no I don't hang out with people who would do something like that, that's childish. I certainly used to but any of my friends currently would talk to me if there was a problem and we would work it out. there is only one who wouldn't maybe but I keep a very close watch of her and shes on the right path. She doesn't like to tell me whats on her mind but I just ask her tough questions until she has to. And even then I don't really consider her a close friend because of the fact that I know she could do something stupid and leave, its just that she comes back usually.

A close friend of mine killed herself earlier this year and if I hadn't been stupid and carried on thinking that she should contact me first she would probably still be here. I kinda feel like reality is just punishing me for trying suicide first though.

>>11245 How do people genuinely "fail" to commit suicide. Like you either do it or you don't. And if somehow blasting yourself in the face with a shotgun doesn't do the job... Well even that should work providing you do it somewhere reasonably quiet where you're unlikely to get found if the shot itself doesn't finish you off.

>>11246 Not every country has shotguns. I tried hanging myself and just woke up on the floor with a broken belt. Since then I just fuarrrk myself up with increasingly heavy drug use, it's enough to let me carry on without causing me much pain. Also fuarrrk you, you obviously can't even imagine what it's like to lose someone if that's the first thing you come up with.

>>11246 not him but i mean personally because some part of me still wants to be found. that doesnt mean you know that, it can be subconscious. Even outside of that, not everyone has access to a gun, nooses break, pills fail, jumps are survived, im not sure why this is a mystery to you. on average though people who want to kill themselves dont really want to die they want something to change and dying is a change. but better believe when they slit their wrists in that bathtub eventually they might start freaking out and make a call or even stop halfway when the pain gets bad. Why you are over simplifying things and making suicide and overcoming your bodies instinctual defenses out to be an easy thing is far more confusing for me then this conundrum youve made for yourself. Personally if im gonna be honest i dont see why else you would ask this if you didnt already have a response you were fishing for in mind which makes it a stupid fake question. Thats just an assumption im making though, hopefully its not true.

>>11248 >>11247 I probably just don't understand, because I'm not suicidal. But I can think of plenty of ways I could kill myself if I wanted to. But I'd also make sure that my plan wouldn't fail if I had set out to actually pull the trigger. There are plenty of train tracks around here that I could put my neck on.

>>11249 Are you autistic? You know you leave behind a body right? Some countries will charge the families of the suicide victim and you'll usually traumatise the train driver and some percentage of the passengers. Not to mention the fact your family and/or possibly friends might have to verify it's you or at least deal with the fact that person they knew had their head flattened like a fruit.

>>11250 If I wanted to die I can't see a reason why I'd care about any of that. Pretty sure there's no suicide tax in this country, might be wrong though.

>>11251 Of course not, because you've never been in that situation.

>>11252 I've been in the situation when I was about to jump, but decided not to. Can't have seen myself going through with it, it just wouldn't have been the right decision.

>>11253 this was my problem. not that poster you are replying to >>11248 but this one this is my personal belief so take it as you will. I try to never ever act like I don't understand or can't empathize with something just because I moved past it. Yes you made a good decision and thats the most important thing, but don't just forget how you used to be there too. Like just think about it a little anyways, i'm sure you can see why. Imagine you jumped but made the decision not to after you already did it. you still are dead of course, because you jumped like some kind of madman. But if you are someone who opts for a quieter less dramatic route like the old cutty wrists you can stop it at any time for the most part. again I feel like with regards to this >>11251 you didn't take into consideration my post. or maybe just because you were responding to someone else who didn't agree with me. I don't think anyone wants to die, as someone who has "failed" a suicide. What we think of death when we look at it as a solution vs death as it actually approaches are very different and id say this realization accounts for a lot of failures.

>>11147 I'm not fine, and I why would you writing annoy me? I have not forgotten about you, I just don't have it in me to start talking to you yet. Between being depressed, occupied with university, trying to get over losing my friend and so many other things I currently don't have the will to talk to you. Usually I would be excited to talk with someone like you, but these days I am not. I should apologise but isn't the concept of apologising strange? It's essentially saying "sorry for being myself, sorry for not making a comprise for your sake". Of course it is good to apologise for hurting someone, although to hurt someone is to ultimately express some incompatibility, something for which one shouldn't apologise. Just a thought. Either way, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you soon.

>>11405 It's OK, take your time, I just wasn't sure what happened (because how people generally are). I'll trust you and hope that we're going to talk soon. I do think that it's better to await the right point for starting to talk, if you don't feel you're ready then you should take more time. It really was just that I was a bit worried. And no, you shouldn't apologize, you did nothing wrong and (I think) I didn't do anything wrong. I do understand why you're wary of starting to talk to me. Yeah, it's true usually when people do apologize but feel that they didn't do anything wrong they're usually perceiving things differently than the person they're apologizing to. Please don't be sorry, better do it at the right time than quickly. >why would you writing annoy me? Because I don't want to fuarrrk up anything here. I want this to be a genuine attempt, to be something that has a chance of succeeding. Sometimes I'm just over-analyzing things, don't think too much about it, I guess it's typical for a programmer (or maybe I'm just doing this here because I'm worried, I really don't know). I'm personally pretty excited being able to talk to you in the future. I'd share some stuff about myself now, but let's wait until we talk for real.

Going to continue the last post, I feel the need to write to you again, I thought a lot about you the last days. The biggest reason is because I think you're somewhat uncertain about various things in your life. I just want you to read this and then think about it, I'm sure you'll understand what I'm going to say in the following paragraphs. I know that you sometimes want to isolate yourself from other people. I don't know exactly the reason, but let me tell you how I experience it, maybe you can agree with that experience and could think "That's very similar to how I feel about this." Because I think the strongest reason is that I'm deeply scared of most people, I feel they're not like me at all, I really can't communicate with them honestly. It's a bit like masks, as we already talked about. It's just that I feel that I'd never be able to match their wavelength, it scares me thinking what they do, what they feel, I don't want to think about it, because I know I could never really be with them on more than just having these standard conversations you just happen to have with people. There's just no real connection between them. The second reason is pretty simple, I just don't want to get hurt by people when I'd become attached if I'd try to like them, it just doesn't work because I know they're different from me and they don't want (or aren't able) to have the same ideals as I do. I do think that's also a reason why you're a bit cautious, maybe you're on many levels still unsure on how I am, it's one of the reasons I'm writing you this (and because I feel the need to write to you in general). One other reason is that I think this what you want, the internal idea you have, is also very similar to what I want. I know we talked about it already a bit, but I don't think I told you explicitly some things. I do really want to make this idea of yours reality, I feel very strongly about this because I know it would be similar to me and we could very easily match this idea if we would seriously try (there would be some subtle differences but they don't matter that much), I really want to be able to care about you as strongly as in this idea. I don't want you taking the wrong path and then later seeing that it was wrong and irreversible choice in your life. I shouldn't write "I want" so much, I'm sorry, I mean it should be your choice what you do, but I just think that we could be very happy if we do this together and probably more so than if you'd isolate yourself, which you might come later to regret. We're probably even the same age, for reference I'm 21, I don't think you're much older or younger than me, and I wouldn't mind if you would be. I was a bit perplexed as I learned not all people could even feel what I mean when you and I write about meaningful relationships. Actually I think it's pretty rare, I don't know how many people feel this way about things. But it can't be too many, 100,000, 10,000, 1000? But surely not more than 100,000. I may seem pretty desperate (and I'm really here) because I do feel very strongly already about you and I do think the chance we got here might have never happen again if we don't try to do it this time. And we may come to regret it pretty badly if we don't try this. (I'm pretty worried about this.) I do often think about fate, I do believe in some form in fate. In short, I think I'll be able to fulfill your ideal relationship idea. I don't want to talk with you just because I think we're on the same wavelength, it's because I do think we have many other things also in common. You do want to have someone to care about you deeply, don't you? I'm pretty sure that I could care about you in the form you want, of course I want something that's mutual (I'm certain you wouldn't disagree with me here anyways). You won't need to isolate yourself anymore because there would be most likely something like very strong harmony when we talk and you wouldn't need to think how you'd formulate things when you talk to me as I most likely would understand intuitively what you mean. I honestly which I could help you in some form, but the only thing I can do for now is just to talk with you. I'm often pretty worried that I make you angry. Of course, I hope we can soon talk, but I don't want to push you. At the end you need to know how much time you need and when you feel that you're able to talk to me. I do think we got already some form of weak connection, (it's just a feeling, but I certainly do feel like this on some levels already). I mean the connection you want isn't something binary that just happens to be there, it's something that develops slowly with time. I actually wrote this message yesterday, though I was unsure of sending it to you. I thought of rewriting it in a different form, it really isn't too hard for me to write these messages and it most often comes very free-flowing and in a natural way without much interruption of my thought process, though I added the last part here of this message today of course. Now I do feel a little bit scared about what you'll think when you'll read the message. (I probably shouldn't feel like that though, you most likely don't mind, and if you do mind then you'll most likely tell me.) Anyways I hope this messages have a more positive effect than a more negative, maybe they make you more certain or they make you think more hesitant, I do the think the first, but I can't totally tell if it couldn't be a bit the second.