/vent/

Previous hit limit: >>85720 Ugh, I can't stand it. I am so sad. I feel way too old as a 27 year old to be acting the way I am. I am trying things to feel better like going to school and working a lot, it does nothing. I study philosophy, I shouldbe okay with the things I feel from whay I have read, but no. My friend always talks about and sends pics of him and his gf and I hate it. I am so lonely. Everyday I hurt myself in one way or another. I create things, I read things,I write things and everything still is like kicking dead whales down the beach. My left middle finger is hurting so bad from an infection from biting my fingers so much lately. I don't know what to do. I just do drugs, study, play games and make music. I can't stand anything anymore. The pain of death is terrifying as well. It's all so tiresome.

It is just not possible for a good deal of men to get girlfriends in the current dating market . It's not something you have any control over, mind you. It is almost entirely due to your physical traits/genetics. True attraction is near spontaneous and to the conscious mind no different than a chemical reaction and you can trust that even if you got a girlfriend based off "personality", you would invest more than her and the relationship would be miserable. Best to just let the girlfriend thing go. If it could have happened, it would have. I say this as someone about the same age. I just gave that soykaf up. I now just play games that have nice romances and fuarrrk a hooker every now and then. Ain't much else you can do beyond that.

>>87088 Perhaps this letter from Seneca will help you OP. https://thestoicletters.medium.com/letter-liii-on-the-faults-of-the-spirit-986270f16f83 I'm thinking specifically of passage 8-12

>>87088 if i look back, this sentiment of stagnant isolation while still being in movement is a sign for the need of an abrupt change. just make sure, that this sudden shift does not cause you panic, or if you do it slowly, make sure it is a safe environment.

If you don't feel good enough to be satisfied with your life, you have to find some sane way to feel good enough to be satisfied with your life. There isn't any "supposed to work" way or "formula" way. You have to figure it out and fix it yourself. I'm not saying you should take input from other sources. But you're the one who has to find out what really works for you. No one else can tell you how to do it. If you put in the effort, you can probably do it. It will takes some time and persistence.

>>87096 correction: "I'm not saying you *shouldn't* take input..."

Recently found out about autoheterosexuality (autogynephilia / autoandrophilia). I probably have it, it seems to explain much of my experience of sexuality and socialisation. I don't feel compelled to troon out though. If I could magically transform into an opposite-sex version of myself, I'd do it. In reality, however, all I can do is take drugs (that have health risks, and will only marginally alter my appearance), and get Frankenstein surgeries (that are prone to complications, and result in non-functional body parts that I'll have to actively keep from self-destructing or rotting). It's not worth it. It would probably make me feel worse because it would make it even clearer that I can't change sex. Also I don't want to "be trans", I don't believe in those people's ideology and I don't want to be associated with them. I don't have a "wrong body" or a "gender identity" or any of that bullshit. I refuse to join the castration cult. Living like this isn't unbearable anyway. The desire to become the opposite sex isn't that strong outside of sexual situations. I'm fairly androgynous looking to begin with, so I'll just try to preserve that.

>>87099 Same boat. The correct response to me wishing my birthday cake last month had been vanilla instead of chocolate is not to force-feed me artificial-vanillin cake.

>>87099 >autoheterosexuality But isn't being one means you're still "straight"? I mean, you can't be attracted to only one person, no?

>>87099 you talk about not wanting to believe in some cringe trans ideology, but it sounds like you are instead clinging to an ideology that makes you unhappy. not to project, but i remember feeling the same way when i was much younger. but ive taken estrogen for years after realized over puberty i wanted to be more androgynous. what found was that it does preserve neoteny (even when i boymode, people ask me if im an adult. im in my late 20s), and also in conjunction with dressing cutely, hair and skincare, voice training, and spending time mostly around women has made me a lot happier about life in general, in ways i didn't even expect. idk, maybe i just got lucky. but i dont think trooning out is as bad as people saying it is >>87104 straight, ~cishet~ people don't fantasize about being the opposite sex fuarrrking or getting fuarrrked and have sex with the same sex as them to fulfill that fantasy. you can call them glitterboys but changing your biology over it is something even users aren't into. all the discussion of autogynephilia and autoandrophilia to a lesser extent is interesting to me because it seems to be creating types of transsexual - extrinsic vs intrinsic - that obscure away from the question of asserting somebody is their birth sex and either gay / straight with a fetish. except it almost entirely does align with being gay/straight with a fetish, to the extent that theres never mention of bisexuality at all in transsexual typology. and most trannies are bi. i think the reason for this is that it obscures from saying people are basically straight or gay of their birth sex but have a fetish for boobs and other body changes isn't to make sensitive people feel better but because that position isn't actually defensible for very long, so you need some other reason to justify the categories.

>>87102 Yeah that's an accurate analogy. >>87104 It's more complicated than that. You're attracted to the opposite sex, but you not only want to be with them, you want to be them. In my experience this causes attraction/lust to be combined with envy. Most AGPs/AAPs fantasise about having sex with the opposite sex, but some of them develop something called "pseudobisexuality". E.g. the AGP (male who fantasises about being female) usually fantasises about being lesbian, but may imagine having sex with men because that's what most women do and imagining it makes him "feel female". He is only attracted to males insofar as it enhances the fantasy of being female. This is also called "meta-attraction". I've experienced this, but very infrequently.

>>87105 >ideology that makes you unhappy What ideology? That I can't change sex? That's just fact. Best to accept it. Some people may find contentment in transition but I think it would make my life more complicated than it needs to be. I can't imagine myself demanding that people use certain words to refer to me, or perceive me a certain way. I know that it's impossible for others' perception of me to match my own. I also don't want to be medicated. >dressing cutely, hair and skincare, voice training, and spending time mostly around women Well I already dress how I want and take care of my appearance, and I have 1 close friend who is the opposite sex. Not much more I can do.

>>87105 >people don't fantasize about ... this take is plain stupid. Fantasy is always out of norm for novelty excites. People reading weird soykaf like inflation and torture porn aren't actually desiring to get mutilated either. Nor do you buy octopuses for tentacle pron users.

>>87099 Most transwomen don't get surgery and those who do it more often is facial feminization surgery rather than anything genital related. Trans also isn't really an ideology any more than being cis (who's idea was it to hijack chemistry terms?), though there is the recent egg culture which has an ideology but it's not synonymous with someone being trans. It is possible to describe gender dysphoria even if gender roles did not exist, it would be a similar condition as body dysmorphia, depersonalization derealization disorder (this one many trans people have), and body integrity identity disorder. It's similar to those, someone feeling like their body is not what they think it is or should be or at least can be comparable to body modders and people who get cosmetic surgery who just alter their appearance as they see desirable for themselves. As for fetishes, you dont get them from nowhere, you only really get them from experience whether directly or just random arousal over certain thoughts and the brain just draws a connection. > I'm fairly androgynous looking to begin with, so I'll just try to preserve that. I was too but it changed in my mid 30s some now it's a bitch finding how to reverse it to make me look younger again (i still look young get mistaken for no older than 24 ever), preservation is more doable. You'd actually possibly at some point need hormones to keep that but only drug that doesnt cause breast growth and thus all intended effects is reversible is SERMs like raloxifene which is experimental in that use but generally safe for males to take for at least a year or few just it's unclear more long term effects, I think current standard for people who just want to keep looking androgynous is just low doses of androgen blockers and estrogen face creams. Your fat sticks around years so you actually dont have to take drugs daily in theory. There is natural herbal stuff that effects appearance but it's unreliable due to being unregulated market and can contain toxins from where it is grown so always need third party testing and has side effects all the same. Other than that just keep your facial fat pads healthy, wear sunscreen, and take a collagen and hyalauronic acid supplement and stay hydrated and youd probably look same for a long time unless you're only a mid teen right now then it depends. Facial fat pad loss is one of the main signs of aging. >>87105 > voice training I wish I did that starting when very young. I feel my vocal range is weak. I mean id like that for both singing and voice acting. It would be cool to be expressive in different voices to better convey something. >>87108 > What ideology? That I can't change sex? That's just fact. Sort of a fact but also kind of wrong. Sex is not just one thing but a cluster if many different traits and some things can be changed and others can't at least not currently.

>>87109 while sexual fantasy alone is much more common in women than men (men tend to watch porn where they don't really have to think about it), im not simply talking about role-playing in bed. if you spend much of your time contemplating the possibility or if you can imagine what you might do if you're female, then you have something more than a fetish. >nor do u buy octopuses for tentacle pron users exactly what im saying. fetishists don't live as the opposite sex for a fetish, at most they'll go to a fetish party dressed that way with their partner or whatever. >>87108 >What ideology? That I can't change sex? that you can't make changes, or that you shouldn't, and that you should reject something you've been thinking about because reason. I'm not telling you to transition and live as a female, im just saying that it worked for me and its definitely not as bad as my imageboard-addled teenage brain thought it would be. but you probably are unhappy, and you probably don't express yourself in all the ways you want to. you don't need to do what i did, you can take each piece on its own appeal without going full troon as a sense of attachment it to the negative identity you're projecting. > it would make my life more complicated this is true, although it was also a cope i had too. when i started my dysphoria had gotten so bad that i was neglecting other areas of my life because i saw them as pointless. nowadays im more outgoing and in the first year i was able to focus on my studies, improving my GPA, i also got a job immediately after college. the issue with waiting like i did is that it makes passing and social assimiliation a lot harder, which even if not as drastic as made out to be is regrettable and i wish i had transitioned sooner, i would be severely depressed for less of my lifetime and be more socially adjusted. >i can't imagine myself demanding that people use certain words to refer to me, or perceive me a certain way most trannies don't like doing that either, and hate the ones who do. those are the supposed bad ones - the brick who aggressively says "its maam" when misgendered at restaurants and the like. while some of those people couldn't pass no matter what, it more often is the case a result of personality defects like narcissism or just being an autistic person surrounded by well-meaning "allies" who push you to do unsafe things (like make a scene at a restaurant) for "self respect" or other soykaf. ultimately i can't be very upset at those people either considering they are often just stupid. some do it for attention though, and that i really can't stand. >>87106 >AGP/AAP there's no medical or scientific research equivocating autogynephilia and autoandrophilia this way. the closest thing would be ray blanchard's typology of male to female transsexuals, which was exclusively derived from his interviews with mtfs in the 1980s and 1970s. every subsequent attempt to expand or complete the typology was not developed by blanchard or professionals of any capacity, but rather by 4chan. >pseudobisexuality and what of actual bisexuals? pic related is the most complete exploration of blanchard's typology that ive found on the internet, and yes this includes the various radical feminist writing on the subject. you might see that AGP theory ultimately categories most trans women into the "non classical transsexual, mid intervention" category which basically forces you to accept that most bisexual mtfs would have to be considered AGP pseudo-bi aka AGP with meta attraction. that directly contradicts the claim that pseudobisexuality / meta attraction is rare and if it does exist then is distinct from being, say, a kinsey 3 or 4, which many trans women are for a variety of reasons. if you really want to talk about the difficulties of being trans, its rather the obligate sexuality of a young woman who has few/no friends, can't have kids, is largely unhireable, probably does not have healthcare, is not particularly attractive to most men and is discriminated against by doctors who might also rape her. it is a deeply alienating condition that involves a combination of social finesse, real talent, certainty in relationships and emotional stability to get out of. most of this however is true to some extent for most mentally ill depressives in their early 20s aka the average browser of lainchan - none of these are impossible challenges. especially if you have a safety net such as making some decent savings or investments in tech, owning land, a rich family, or other means also like many users on imageboard. a more practical sexual typology of trans women should pay more attention to the sex worker route that the more HSTS part of the dichotymy seems suited for but between you and me, those girls tend to be trust fund kiddies, or had more time to assimilate because realized younger with accepting families. the reality ive found is that sex work is more common with bisexual trans girls who aren't exceptionally passing (being unable to afford surgery) who produce porn, escort, or soliciting / being solicited. however normal jobs like service industry are a lot more common than people say they are. some in this category might also wind up being the sugar baby or quasipartner/wife of a well-paid worker (sometimes another tranny, but typically male) or at least beholden in some way to a source of finances. i would also argue that, rather than sex work, including full service being primarily the domain of heterosexual (hsts) trans women who somehow simultaneously pass and assimilate better but also have no other option than to be social reject sex workers, its a variety of income sources that appeal to trans women more than cis in different ways depending on their position and is often undertaken due to them feeling untethered from the illusion of a traditional family (marrying a good man and having kids with him), heterosexual trans women with inheritance and greater ability to assimilate might still go into it for their traumatized sense of identity. i still feel that the reason why lots of trans women aren't living the tradwife fantasy of 1950s nuclear family while also somehow living on a farm is, beyond that lifestyle never really existing in the first place, because they're not really interested in stability. >>87110 voice training is honestly the easier thing to deal with, its just a skill you can acquire and unless you transition super young its something every tranny needs to do at some point. you can perfect a feminine voice within one year with enough effort, for me however and probably most other trans it was a progressive advancement over the course of several years transition, it also is a serious contributor to people thinking im a teenager, probably. >different voices im at this stage now, though i think its better to focus on getting one voice perfect so you don't slip into a tone you detest because you're used to expressing yourself that way. theres actually tons of resources on youtube / reddit, but im sure you already know the obvious things like focus on resonance rather than tone, don't use a falsetto, etc.

>>87099 Tons of traps/troons start out as autogynephiles, the culture is full of it.

>>87111 > unless you transition super young its something every tranny needs to do at some point I'm same as who I replied to. I have no interest in "transitioning", at least in terms of what I would consider that to mean, and I don't explicitly have a gender identity. I'm only interested in looking better to my tastes and sounding better to my ears although that one is tricky since you sound different in recording and recording can sound different from how other people actually hear you unless it's a particularly good mic but both conflict with what you hear when you speak so this is why so many people hate their own voice.

>>87110 >It is possible to describe gender dysphoria even if gender roles did not exist If gender roles didn't exist no one would have gender dysphoria. Every trans story starts with "when I was a kid I wanted to play with these toys, wanted to wear these clothes, wanted to have this hairstyle, etc" and the body dysmorphia develops because the kid figures out that you have to have a certain body for those activities to be socially acceptable. This gets worse around puberty because that's when males and females become visibly different from each other and gender roles become strongly enforced. Also "cis" isn't real. Normal people don't "identify with" their "assigned gender". Normal people don't have gender identities, they just treat their sex as a fact, like their eye colour, and if they are conformist they follow their sex's gender role so that they can be valued by society. When a normal person says they are a man, woman, boy, girl, male, female, etc they are referring to their physical characteristics. When a normal person says that they "feel like" a man, woman, boy or girl what they mean is that they feel like they are succeeding at their societal role and thus are valuable/competent/attractive. Most trans-identifying people are autists or otherwise socially maladjusted so they don't understand this. Normal people don't follow gender roles out of some deep metaphysical sense of inherent man-ness or woman-ness, they do it for social gain. They don't do most of that stuff when no one is watching. Most "gender dysphoria" is born out of black and white thinking about sex and gender roles, and a misconception that people's gendered behaviour is self-expression rather than a performance for social approval.

>>87111 >and what of actual bisexuals? I never said that all same-sex attraction experienced by AGPs is meta-attraction. I was just explaining what meta-attraction is.

>>87111 My point was the fantasy has no indication of reality independent if its sexual or not. Novelty drives interest towards what you don't know. Imagining the opposite sex is no different to imagining to be a bird in the sky or dolphin in the sea. The idea that you should be what you imagine is stupid because the only reason your imagination seems always better is because you lack the negative experience of it. Its just grass is greener. The most glaring aspect is everyone understands that and nobody would encourage to glue wings to yourself cause you like the idea of flying in the sky as a bird. Yet somehow its supposed to be okay to encourage exact same behavior when it comes to gender.

dang it cant you limit this thread to venting and not make it yet another tranny insanity general I am angry

>>87118 >dang it cant you limit this thread to venting and not make it yet another tranny insanity general Tranny venting is still venting. >I am angry Tough soykaf.

>>87119 tranny venting is venting yes, but posts debating in the manner of >>87115 >>87116 etc are not venting they're discussing which is off topic imho. Nearly this whole iteration of /vent/ looks like its not venting at all. If debating is venting then this whole site is /vent/ and we might as well just delete the thread >I am angry you know what I actually wrote

>>87109 >Fantasy is always out of norm for novelty excites. People reading weird soykaf like inflation and torture porn aren't actually desiring to get mutilated either. Nor do you buy octopuses for tentacle pron users. I suspect tentacles are more about adding dicks and penetration to a pornographic scene without having actual men involved (because that would be gay). That is to say the tentacles are not the object of sexual attraction. But plenty of furries buy $5000 fur suits and go to conventions and generally turn their sexuality into a lifestyle. I think that's a fair analogy to autogynephiles who want to present as women all the time instead of only in sexual situations. People can get obsessed about anything and take it too far. >>87106 >the AGP may imagine having sex with men because that's what most women do and imagining it makes him "feel female". He is only attracted to males insofar as it enhances the fantasy of being female. This is also called "meta-attraction". I've experienced this, but very infrequently. I think porn addiction tends to stretch people's preferences because you are driven to always be looking for something new. AGPs tend to draw the line somewhere between (strapon -> futa/tranny -> trap -> male) but if you're horny or bored enough you might temporarily shift to the right. >>87110 >Trans also isn't really an ideology any more than being cis I suspect he is talking more from a politics and culture war perspective where one side very much is exploiting the trans community and using them as pawns. Prominent Democrats removing their pronouns from their social media profiles recently should be a wakeup call because you're about to find out who your real friends are and who was just being an "ally" while it was convenient. >>87116 >the only reason your imagination seems always better is because you lack the negative experience of it. Its just grass is greener I disagree with that when it comes to sexuality. Gay conversion therapy never works. You can bully people into changing their behavior but no amount "negative experience" will change the way their brain and dick is wired together.

>>87122 >furries I initially thought approximately the same of furries, but as I have met more of them I begin to think its more that they join a community analogous to the lain/anime fan sphere for analogous reasons to most people here, and drift into the sexual element of it, if they do at all. There's obviously the tumblerina "I am actually a [trans]wolf (woof woof) expecting me to walk on two legs is racism", but you've got a lot of people who just kinda think the whole thing is a cool and interesting subculture and take part in it. They dont turn their sexuality into a lifestyle, if anything they turn their lifestyle into a sexuality, but not all of them do this. Ive never been to an anime convention but I expect you have some amount of analagous sexual events to those in the furry sphere, I do wonder the comparative rates but expect its similar or explainable by different racial/sexual compositions of the communities. t. not a furry but met a few sage because not a vent

>>87122 >Gay conversion therapy never works. Literally every dude who sucked a dick and regretted it... people regret trying soykaf in every aspect of life. And why did they try? Cause some salesman told them it would be totally their thing.

>>87123 >I іnіtіally thought approxіmately the same of furrіes, but as I have met more of them I begіn to thіnk іts more that they joіn a communіty analogous to the laіn/anіme fan sphere for analogous reasons to most people here, and drіft іnto the sexual element of іt, іf they do at all. Really? I don't thіnk many people are here because they love a weіrd 90s anіme whіch made no sense, іt's just a vaguely Japanese themed tech communіty. And I suspect furry culture іs to zoophіles what lolіcon culture іs to pedophіles. It іs a somewhat socіally acceptable outlet for theіr taboo іnclіnatіons and tolerated because іt іnvolves cute cartoons іnstead of real anіmals/chіldren. I fіnd іt hard to belіeve people thіnk furrіes are "cool" and then somehow turn іnto zoophіles after joіnіng a few dіscord servers. Thіs guy popped up on lobste.rs thіs mornіng look at thіs https://soatok.blog/2025/01/14/dont-use-session-signal-fork/ He has absolutely zero compartmentalіzatіon between hіs professіonal work and hіs sexual bullshіrt. Is he not just lіterally a tranny but wіth a dіfferent fetіsh? >>87124 >Lіterally every dude who sucked a dіck and regretted іt... people regret tryіng soykaf іn every aspect of lіfe. And why dіd they try? Cause some salesman told them іt would be totally theіr thіng. Are you denyіng the exіstence of homosexuals? You can trіvіally demonstrate that they are real through revealed preference. Gay porn exіsts because gay people buy іt. Case closed. The same wіth AGP. Look at any femdom doujіn lіke the Gіrls for M serіes. Every volume іncludes at least one or two chapters where a man or boy іs dressed up іn female clothes and fuarrrked wіth a strapon. Men buy іt because they are іnto that shіt. If that wasn't the case then artіsts would stop wastіng theіr tіme drawіng thіngs that don't make them any money.

>>87127 >Thіs guy popped up on lobste.rs thіs mornіng look at thіs yeah OK thats a pretty good counter point maybe the handful I meet IRL are outliers or now outed liars

>>87127 >Are you denyіng the exіstence of homosexuals? Obviously no, im denying using "conversion therapy doesn't work" as an argument for "nobody tries converting" or "converting never happens" which is both not true. Ive mentioned regretting sucking dick because of the other thread we got here but same applies to gays trying hetero all the time. People fall for grass is greener frequently. You mention porn and i like to add people prolapsing their asshole trying to imitate hardcore pron to the example list. Monkey see monkey do is absolutely a thing and that applies to this topic just like any other.

>>87127 >He has absolutely zero compartmentalіzatіon between hіs professіonal work and hіs sexual bullshіrt. Is he not just lіterally a tranny but wіth a dіfferent fetіsh? What sexual bullshit? I've read his blog. There's nothing lewd on it.

>>87120 im a tranny whos here to vent about my experiences. i am not trying to win a debate or discuss, simply voice how im feeling and why ʚ(^ < )ɞ >>87113 I realized this after i posted, my apologies. advice still applies though, if you speak in a falsetto or some otherwise annoying fashion you will make people uncomfortable >>87114 > Every trans story starts with "when I was a kid I wanted to play with these toys, wanted to wear these clothes, wanted to have this hairstyle, etc" and the body dysmorphia develops because the kid figures out that you have to have a certain body for those activities to be socially acceptable as a troon, this is not reflective of my experiences lol, and trannies tend to say those things because its the only narrative that transition therapists accept before giving hormones to them. another common one is saying that you definitely want to get bottom surgery, 90% of trans women say this, personally i do but the number is more like 60%. i think they also do it because it is seen as easier to explain to cis. but my personal experience is that i liked both boy and girl things and had role models both male and female, while i always did get along better with girls i did not realize how much i needed to look female until my body began to look male during mid-late puberty and i wanted to kill myself. this honestly isn't a good way of looking at it though, you need to be able to identify positive desire to be female because focusing on negativity and suicidality means only depressed people who have already suffered, some changes are irreversible, will transition and will be depressed over what could have been. >>87116 there is a lot more to it than that lol non-sexual fantasies of being female are just one symptom and they are not normal for people to have either so if you do so easily then maybe you should be more open to the ideas you're afraid of. for starters transition also makes people happier so it is not a grass is greener situation, but its funny you say that because i used the exact wording with someone in text messages (now a trans boy) when we were both in middle school and talked about our experiences before we knew what they were. >>87122 furries arent always a sex thing, pet players are the ones who specifically want to be like animals during sex. however people who feel they are animal souls in human bodies are also different from furries, but overlap, the community is called therian and some of them also want to get biological modification for cat ears, etc. its honestly so obvious to me when a bioreactionary is trying to shoehorn their way into a space clearly not meant for them as you'd probably think transhumanist things like giving human beings tails etc. are degenerate. i don't understand what the point of it all is, its like you want the whole internet to be your own territory of soykaf and only want to allow certain kinds of discussions which you censor on any platform you are in control over or deliberately soykaf up and argue when you aren't and then whine about your free speech when you do so. the whole premise can be summed up as >people want to do science fiction things >on a science fiction board? >we can't possibly allow this to happen! its transparently retarded, please keep your stormfa​g soykaf on stormf​​ag boards like 8chan kiwi farms, elon musk website or youtube comment section, nobody is saying u cant have a board for "i hate new things and improvements in technology used to change human bodies" but cyberpunk image board is probably not the place for that lol. like if youre going to post about this on imageboards at all its not that u wont find an audience but please understand you're also on the "otaku for the creation genetically engineered cat girl waifus" internet and some of them are serious about doing that lol >>87127 >vaguely japanese themed tech board lain is the mascot of lainchan in the same way that yotsuba is the mascot of 4chan. you seem like you're new to the community, maybe recommend you lurk more before posting? >The same wіth AGP. Look at any femdom doujіn lіke the Gіrls for M serіes. Every volume іncludes at least one or two chapters where a man or boy іs dressed up іn female clothes and fuarrrked wіth a strapon. I know a lot of trannies and I can't say many have heard of that series, or very familiar with femdom hentai. at least not like you seem to be. thank you for educating us about revealed preference

>>87136 >im a tranny whos here to vent about my experiences. i am not trying to win a debate or discuss, simply voice how im feeling and why ʚ(^ < )ɞ That is directly contradicted by the wall of text following it. You just want attention.

>>87137 >why is person wall-of-text venting in the wall-of-text venting thread

>>87136 >cyberpunk image board is probably not the place for that lol cyberpunk is the awful scifi scenario where you have to deal with trannies and humans with tails and cat ears without even the prospect of colonizing mars, or if you do you're gonna go there and eat dirt and cry. Cyberpunk is the bitterest scifi, I have a right, even a duty to be bitter, cynical and judgemental when posting here.

>>87138 It's not venting. They are trying to argue with people. If they aren't trying to debate or discuss, they are doing a very poor job of it.

Okay how is this for a vent. Scrotums are really gross. I don't even like having one.

>>87143 except its not actually female cause it cant make babies

>>87149 hypothetical, no such construct has ever existed.

>>87143 >>87149 What an horrible drawing style.

>>87148 I'm tired of people dumbing these sort of things down. The concept of male and female is over simplification of how things actually work. By your definition an infertile female is not a female. There is >reproductive function (in humans there is only two plus infertile) >primary sexual characteristics (the genitals in which there is some people who have ambiguous genitals) >secondary sexual characteristics (the stuff that happens after puberty and there is a range of overlap between masculine and feminine physical traits even without medical use of HRT) >hormones (this tends to influence the secondary characteristics but not always because it depends on how their receptors respond) >internal sex organs (usually they match the external genitals but not always) >sex chromosomes (which there can be a number of mix and match many outliers are infertile but there also is plenty who can reproduce offspring though they often have low infertility and need some assistance medically to do so).

>>87159 I messed up i meant low fertility is usually the norm for people with sex chromosome conditions. The exception is XXY males and triple X females who tend to have normal fertility.

My psychiatrist is just prescribing me SSRI's and anti psyhotic meds like they're fuarrrking candy. She gives me this pill, raises the dosage over the course of 3 months then changes the pill and repeats the process. This is all bullshit and I don't even feel any better, I'm planning to stand up to this Tuesday when I have my appointment.

>>87170 please don't take antipsychotics unless you are psychotic. they don't work for depression at all. they work by decreasing dopamine levels and that just means that you get slowed down.

>>87171 Can you please elaborate? Am I some sort of lab rat?

>>87170 >this is all bullshit why are you even going ? If she prescribes something do you take it ? whats the point of that ? you have agency use it

>>87172 Antipsychotics work by blocking dopamine-2 receptor. Low dopamine levels often lead to bad mood and lack of motivation. I have found out that some antipsychotics, namely Seroquel and Olanzapine, make my mood worse. Not only that but they made me extremely sleepy (I started sleeping for 12 hours each night) and I gained a ton of weight while I was on them (over 20 kg in total). My dosages were 5 mg Olanzapine and later it got switched to 200 mg Seroquel. I suggest that you try to stop the antipsychotics and try only taking the antidepressant. If the antidepressant doesn't start working after like 4 weeks of use, you should ask for another antidepressant. Personally I have found out that Trintellix works quite well but it's expensive if your insurance doesn't cover it.

>>87170 Bipolar or schizophrenia or schizoaffective? What are your symptoms of condition and what are the effects and side effects of the meds? >>87174 Not all antipsychotics. Some are D2 partial agonists. Also atypical antipsychotics have higher affinity for the serotonin receptors than dopamine receptors. Also never stop taking a medication abruptly

Never loved life so much frens. Never had it so good.

I might be having an identity crisis or something. Since I was a kid I always preferred to be alone. I think friendships and relationships are mostly a waste of time, and that what matters is to just be an excellent guy. That, I'm certain, is a core part of me. Looking for friends or a gf has always felt unnatural to me, so I will die alone. That's OK by me. What is not OK is that I can't decide my identity past that. What is it that I like and don't like? What are my morals, what is good and evil to me? Is there good and evil, even? Is there a God? What ideologies do I believe in? Should I even believe in any? I'm 23, by the way. I think this is what they call arrested development. I wish I knew myself. Like, if there was a test that said, "you're this, this and that, so you should do this, this and that" I'd feel more comfortable. It feels like I keep putting on masks of who I ought to be rather than of the true face of who am I am.

>>87179 Unironically dedicate your life right now to determining the answers to those various questions or if you continue that way as you get older you will become what is commonly known as a husk.

I hate /vent/ it jams up the site with negativity and accounts for most posts. I hate it.

>>87181 I agree. Most of it is not worth reading and most of the people just complain and do not take any worth while advice. We should vent about positive things.

>>87181 If you hated it you wouldnt contribute to it. Plus plenty of people are encouraging to others, just a few are antagonistic. >>87179 Part of knowing yourself is knowing others. If you dont know others you can't know yourself.

>>87181 I can see where you're coming from, but I believe it's very healthy to vent in a place you feel secure enough to. I've actually never posted in a /vent/, but I have empathy towards anyone that feels the need to. Nobody wins with unnecessary hostility.

>>87184 you could just cat it into dev/null tho, or scream irl or whatever I just scream till I'm hoarse or pound my hand into tables till it blows up like a balloon and its far more cathartic than any posting Ive ever done in a chan. vents here are performances/baits/discussion starters

>>87181 >>87182 >>87185 You can always just hit [ - ]

>>87184 People who delve in vent pits expose themself to exponentially more negativity compared to a group that keeps their soykaf together. I dont think its actually leading to positive outcomes

I hate what I've become. I see pleasant people post agreeable and considerate things online and instead all I do is post charged soykaf arguing about feds and political agendas - things that I also consider schizo to engage with. When I see someone being better than me, I get physically ill and develop a headache because I know that could be me if i wasn't in such a messed up state all the time. to be clear, I don't resent people, I don't think I'm particularly jealous either. I just feel like a disgusting wretch and wish I could do better by those posters. >>87139 >cyberpunk imageboard >cyberpunk is about muh generic dystopian setting about how the future/technology is bad >please ignore the part in neuromancer where the female love interest has cybernetic augmentations or literally any of the tropes about how sexy computers are throughout the genre >cyberpunk specifically means i get to post my uneducated backwards opinions on le web forum i joined as a tourist 2 weeksago >this much entitlement the issue with both of you is that lainchan was never intended as a cyberpunk imageboard in the first place. rather the phrase "cyberpunk is dead" was included on the homepage as an explicit rejection of the way "cyberpunk" has been recycled ad nauseum into a nihilistic, reactionary aesthetic. feat. an older man with a drinking and cigarette habit in a rainy metropolis going on a long rant about how society has fallen into degeneracy, with none of the self-awareness that literally every noteworthy work of that type was a criticism of the guy in question. The whole point of cyberpunk in its use on this website in the same way that calling yourself punk was the least punk thing you could do. it used to refer to prostitutes, specifically homeless gay prostitutes and trann​ies before getting picked up as a badge of honor as the underground music subgenre became widely popular. likewise cyberpunk was not supposed to be seen as a thing you call yourself, but rather a part tongue-in-cheek, part flattering thing to be called by someone as long as they weren't an agent trying to pigeonhole you into being an author of so​ybe​ard slop for the average redd​itor, or an advertiser for the latest videogame graphics processing unit or whatever. >>87181 the entire /hum/ board should go for this reason imo, the issue is that it is a containment board for this as a kind of post that occurred on /r/ before /hum/ was created. other boards catering to this kind of chan content existed in the past - /feels/, /civ/ to think of 2 and were generally deleted very quickly due to their failure in that function. i would say in general /hum/ includes some of the better qualities of those boards but with a certain degree of neglect and obvious mod infighting that basically just make it cancer. I can't say i know a solution, however, besides directing the r9k / p0l types to go to different websites - while some of those users can be reformed into better posters, there's enough splinter chans of lainchan at this point that some degree of the ethos can be preserved on a secondary imageboard dedicated to that sort of thing, in the same way that porn, consumer tech, and political discussion were treated in the past. i seem to recall programming also being contentious. ideally, another site can be dedicated to reeducation while lainchan is kept pure. unfortunately being the largest chan in this general community, the reeducation will have to occur here. i think that /hum/ could potentially be the spot for that, but it would need some serious changes. lainchan isn't the only board doing the "hikki rehabilitation" thing so maybe those communities could be learned from. >>87187 >expose themselves to negativity I agree that one shouldn't base their identity around it or be so surrounded its inescapable, but the language of pathogen about it is retarded. you should be able to read something online without becoming depressed. i think people look at this sort of content because they're depressed and it provides catharsis, which can be healthy. but people regularly do provide discussion and advice for people to work out their issues in these threads, i think the issue is amount of conversation that seems to be railroaded by bad actors who want to insert a particularly incel agenda.

>>87188 >it used to refer to prostitutes, specifically homeless gay prostitutes and trann​ies before getting picked up as a badge of honor as the underground music subgenre Pretty sure 'punk' was a generic name for juvenile delinquents, bums, and street people. Originally, punk meant rotten wood used as tinder i.e. a borderline useless person. It wasn't a label for trannies specifically. I don't know why queers keep doing this thing where they have to auto insert themselves into everything. >feat. an older man with a drinking and cigarette habit in a rainy metropolis going on a long rant about how society has fallen into degeneracy, with none of the self-awareness that literally every noteworthy work of that type was a criticism of the guy in question. I'm not sure about this. When I see cyberpunk I see a lot of open ended reflection on how technology has created an alienating and uncomfortable society. This includes fascination with technology but also revulsion and depression towards it. But mundane tech, not something huge like Metropolis' heart machine, but just everyday stuff. Lain for example does imply that technology has degenerating and prison-like qualities but can be euphoric at the same time while ruining society too. Maybe its not the reactionary Thiel-Nick Land type mental perversion though. Sometimes there are interesting posts on /hum/ but the board attracts the same trashy posting as the mainstream imageboard. I like the weird schizo posts about sentient computers or Gods and stuff but the endless trash threads.

>>87188 >you should be able to read something online without becoming depressed Strong emotional control would also relieve you of the need to vent. In other words those participating are most likely also not immune to soaking in negative posts.

>>87186 my contention is that I do not think its honest venting. Yes I dont need to look at it or reply to it and often I do not, but there is no sense I can comprehend of posting here unless to make conversation and communicate other people who read your stuff, which is not the purpose of venting in my opinion. This is a webforum, every post is made in some hope that it is read by others, that perhaps it generates a response. >>87188 >world where the protagonist is rendered completely useless because of his fundamental dependence on internet/brain computer >only capable of even working if the powers that be decide to turn his stuff back on >only available women are either drugged up or computerized or both >protag ultimately works to help bizarre alien monster thing out of pure self interest (because he wants to be useful and needs his working computer) and really is just along for the ride as a cog in the machine Im sorry but this book was incredibly bleak. but yeah sure his love interest was of the type who fits into that bleak setting. Lain isn't exactly gibsonian cyb perhaps not cyb at all

>>87179 >What is it that I like and don't like? I think maybe you don't have any productive interests, given that you're here, if you haven't already, you can get into stuff like Linux, BSD, and open source stuff in general. I think you also probably like anime and stuff like that. >What are my morals, what is good and evil to me? Is there good and evil, even? Yeah good and evil exists. Morality among humans is objective to an extent (ex: lying generally is bad, punching babies is bad, stealing from poor people is bad, etc). I'm pretty sure you agree with these statements. >I'm 23, by the way. I think this is what they call arrested development. I sincerely hope you get your life together soon and get out of your identity crisis.

>>87189 >Pretty sure 'punk' was a generic name for juvenile delinquents, bums, and street people no the prostitution connection was very real, its considered the original version of the term in some dictionaries like oxford, which also mentions catamite - which means boy who has sex with men. not sure who told me the trans thing originally but i find it believable in that context. go look it up for yourself if you don't believe me. >I'm not sure about this. When I see cyberpunk I see a lot of open ended reflection on how technology has created an alienating and uncomfortable society. This includes fascination with technology but also revulsion and depression towards it that's what im saying. i don't think the specific batman-oriented conception of cyberpunk is a super deep or meaningful one, it seems like more a way for some narcissistic guy to shoehorn himself into a setting. >Maybe its not the reactionary Thiel-Nick Land type mental perversion though similar vein to what im criticizing, "Meltdown has a place for you as a HIV positive transgender hooker with a highly cinematic 9mm and a bad attitude". like, okay bro >>87190 >Strong emotional control would also relieve you of the need to vent. emotional control is a misapprehension, it doesn't need to be coupled to the notion of not internalizing what you've read. the proper way to manage emotions is to become aware of them, observe and work with them in a healthy fashion. to self reflect. not suppress or control (impossible) your emotions. >>87193 >only available women are either drugged up or computerized or both if that was seriously your takeaway then i dont know what to tell you. read the rest of the trilogy perhaps >protag ultimately works to help bizarre alien monster thing out of pure self interest (because he wants to be useful and needs his working computer) and really is just along for the ride as a cog in the machine lol is not a monster alien thing its a sentient AI trying to bootstrap itself into the andromeda galaxy because its lonely. no offense but a wikipedia synopsis isn't going to give you the right takeaway, you need to actually read it.. like, you can certainly identify dystopian themes in the novel, or be told it has those by sparknotes but another important theme of the story neuromancer underlying is the personification of the very systems in question - if not a humanizing, certainly a matter of relation. its very romantic.

What am I supposed to be doing with my time? Is there even such a thing as a productive use of time? My job is just a paycheck, I barely have friends anymore, I waste my free time playing games, watching shows, browsing the internet. If I had friends like I used to, we would just waste time together, which can be enjoyable, but it's not what I'm missing. Everybody's playing games knowing full-well none of it means anything. I have goals that I'm working towards, don't get me wrong. I want to homestead once I have enough money. There will be a lot of labor that comes with that, but I know even then I will face the same question. Why even bother if I'm just going there to rot? I have hobbies but they're not it either, just fun distractions I partake in now and then. I tend to drop them a few weeks in anyway. I feel like I've seen what the world has to offer and I just... don't care for most of it. I almost want to renounce worldly things like monks do, but I don't believe in the religion, so I'd have nothing to fill the void. Am I just boring? How do I stop being like this?

Every living creature is born just to eventually die in the end, but there's no need to ruminate over it too much. On the other hand, it almost feels like nothing interesting happens anymore, we've seen many things, but we still don't know anything. I worry that I can no longer provide of any value to others. My daily routine hasn't changed, and I still can't get rid of my bad habits, I'm basically a degenerate, slowly ruining my own life.

>>87205 Im sorry not sure how sentient ai is not a bizarre alien monster irregardless of its thoughts concerning andromeda or your mother for that matter. Ive read quite a bit of gibson but its been a few years. Your name isn't chat GPT by any chance is it ? >personification of the systems in question You can write to personify a monster, you can even write from the monster's perspective if you like, but a monster is a monster.

>>87213 >chatgpt is everyone i dont like did you know, there are 201 people whove told me that there's only 200 real people in the world. crazy, right? >not sure how sentient ai is not a bizarre alien monster irregardless of its thoughts concerning andromeda or your mother easy, its not alien because its not from another planet. >a monster is a monster that just like, your opinion, man look my point isn't that you aren't entitled to your interpretation - not irregardless of the interpretation, it just doesn't seem like what you want particularly in line with the intended ethos of the site. im not going to test your comprehension of the material with like, whether you know the real name of Gibson's Monster or not, this isn't english class, but others are just as entitled to their interpretation of those things as attractive. if you guys could play nicely with one another and accept that a community basing its ethos around a fiction genre inherently about the tension and conflict between opposing social forces which are both present in a setting and come to some sort of agree-to-disagreement where the grumbling isn't laced with the desire to ban the other party and ostracize them from the community for good, not unlike the very authoritarian censorship dystopia regime you're projecting. except its an imageboard where none of this soykaf matters that much anyway. you identity politics types are very quick to complain about the territoriality of the other party before immediately reverting into a kind of survivalist combat that prevents from seeing the other perspective and potentially allowing yourself to be happy. like, the stakes are seriously not that high guys, please

>>87224 >chatgpt is everyone I don't like didn't mean it that way it was just because you're sympathizing with the computer program I thought maybe you might be one yourself. Such things are possible! >aliens are only from other planets get your english checked >thats just like your opinion man its just like my opinion man but Im telling you that book was like, bleak, man (imho). >plz guize jus play noice mmkay? look man I'd tell my best friend to kill himself if he stubbed his toe and was limping around for more than fourty four seconds. Don't take everything so seriously. >u volx kant c d udder psyde Dont mistake rejection for incomprehension.

>>87205 >no the prostitution connection was very real Yeah I don't see any evidence for this. All of the etymological dictionaries I've looked in say its an old English word for A. Children, novices. e.g. punk day being a day or event reserved for children B. Appalachian word for a type of firewood. By the 30s, it was being used for juvenile delinquents, kids with bad attitude, and freaks on the street including prostitutes and drug fiends and catamite prostitutes. Once again, queer people pulling soykaf out of their ass. Next you people will claim hacker was a medieval Prussian word for homosexual (I think Sadie Plant has basically claimed this and n1x in one of her dumb essays) or cyber is Greek for gay. >i don't think the specific batman-oriented conception of cyberpunk is a super deep or meaningful one It isn't but a lot of people find it meaningful which points to the mental and social degeneracy of our times. Why else would they? >not suppress or control (impossible) your emotions. This is just stupid. Of course its possible to control your emotions. Sometimes I want to kick a child in the head. Should I just "work with them" to kick the child in the head or draw some dumbass painting Freudian style or say "No! You're not doing that. Leave the kid alone, he doesn't know what he's doing and doesn't deserve pain?"

>>87230 >Yeah I don't see any evidence for this I told you what dictionary I used in the first place and its right there. are you trolling? https://www.oed.com/dictionary/punk_n1?tl=true I.1 A Prostitute. (1575) I.2 Originally: †a boy or young man kept by an older man as a (typically passive) sexual partner, a catamite (obsolete). Later: a man who is made use of as a sexual partner by another man, esp. by force or coercion. Now chiefly Prison slang. (1698) I.2.b. U.S. slang. A young male companion of a tramp, esp. one who is kept for sexual purposes. (1907) > By the 30s, it was being used for juvenile delinquents, kids with bad attitude, and freaks on the street including prostitutes and drug fiends and catamite prostitutes. you're repeating what I said, though. its not a category that incidentally includes whores, its the original meaning of the word. I'm not arguing that its a good thing that punk was used this way or its indicative of some beautifully suppressed history where catamite prostitutes are important queer representation or whatever. you're fighting tooth and nail to deny the existence of peer-reviewed research because, why exactly? >Why else would they? I addressed this already. I agree, people are sometimes entitled to their interpretations and things are bad right now so it makes sense why they would have that self-insert >This is just stupid. Of course its possible to control your emotions. Technically speaking, that's not controlling your emotions. an action is not the same thing as an emotion, that's emotional awareness 101 which is an important step to what you would consider controlling of your emotions. The point is that, when you feel a certain way, you can choose how to act on it rather than act out a script you've been given or repeat a habit. and you're just proving my point as talking about it with others who can relate is generally a much healthier outlet than kicking a child.

A good friend of mine is trying to help pull me into his company. I have the interview later this week, and finally I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've felt ever so close to falling into the trap of becoming a NEET with how long I've been unemployed after graduating college but there's finally a light of hope once again. The pay is also really good so I won't have to worry about being broke either. I hope it all works out.

Saw this girl on Hinge who I have known for a bit over a year. We hung out on and off, whatever. Last time we were supposed to hang she abruptly bailed. Called me as she was walking to the place we were gonna meet at (I live 5 mins way from it) and asked what I was doing. I say I'm just playing Cruelty Squad she says "ohhh haha.." hangs up. I text her saying "I'll be there in a bit."she says "I'm going back to where I just was" Which this place was sold out of tickets. Anyways, we stop talking for some reason after this. Really fuarrrking annoying and I don't know what happened. We had really great times every single time we hung out, and multiple times she has stopped talking to me suddenly like this. Now, obviously I don't take this kind of thing well. When I saw her on Hinge I felt so sad and like I can't be accepted or whatever. Decide to cut myself, whatever. I feel so stupid and like this is an obvious reason why I can't fully build a relationship or something. I hate it, such an annoyance that I have to experience a confusing thing. How can saying that I was playing a videogame warrant this kind of treatment? She was the one who wanted to hang out before to, and like I said, every time we have hungout before was really fun and enjoyable for the both of us. I can't stand feeling this way, it is awful.I know my emotional reactions to things can be intense but I have never hurt anyone before. What a load of soykaf this is. I just want to build a nice romantic connection with someone.

>>87091 That's good stuff, thank you. I have been spending a lot of time with Heidegger and have felt these things within the past year. Going to spend another full semester dedicated to Heidegger as well, so I am sure these themes will come up again. Thanks for sharing. It is a very polarizing position.

>>87170 I had a gf whose psychiatrist treated her this way. I would suggest finding a different one. Her psychiatrist used her as a guinea pig essentially. She admitted to giving her medication that she was allergic to in order to make a change in her personal life, that is an insane thing to do and these people need to be killed for this objectification of another person.

>>87208 Idk, man. I guess you can figure some way of enjoying it and seeing what your being reveals to you throughout your life. Kind of lame but, who knows what you will walk into.

>>87188 >>87189 >>87205 >>87230 Punk is reference to the meaning of a young criminal which itself came from the meaning of an inexperienced young male or a worthless person. The other meaning about homosexuals, prostitutes and harlots is from the fuarrrking 1500s so that's obviously not directly related with a several hundred year gap of usage meaning. Look under noun 2 https://www.etymonline.com/word/punk

>>87233 >>87245 I made a mistake. Meaning is determined by use and for the vast majority of users in the 20th century, punk just meant a dumbass retard kid. >why exactly? I just find this whole queer representation bullshit. Its like queers and retard academic hacks go out of their way to queer everything. Queering this, queering that, when they have nothing to do with sex or gays or any adjacent thing. e.g. morons who've claimed computers are queer because Alan Turing was gay and his feminine mannerisms shaped the way he invented computers or BSD is queer because McKusick and Allman are users. Well Konrad Zeus was a Nazi German, so does this make computers fascist? As far as I know, most punks in the 70s tended to be homophobic and now since academic hacks and queers are into punk rock now they have to make it queer friendly progressive trash when it was all a fake culture meant to promote Vivian Westwood's clothes. Of course, there is a kind of queerphobia to my position which I should honestly admit I don't know what to do about. >when you feel a certain way, you can choose how to act on it rather than act out a script you've been given or repeat a habit I'm not sure. People don't choose their actions completely. They choose from a preselected menu of options that is more or less given to them, usually scripts fed to them by what's considered socially acceptable or socially possible. Its possible to kick or not kick the child, its possible to stab him too, but I don't conceive of blessing him with holy water even if that's done in some places. Most of these choices are coerced. Society forces your hand. You don't choose.

>>87208 >What am I supposed to be doing with my time? Is there even such a thing as a productive use of time? Productive use of time sound such a corpo slave phrase, honestly. I guess we must keep contributing to society even if it's our own free time lol. Personally, I consider anything that makes one happy as productive use of time. Just keep doing things that make you happy and don't subconsciously look down on them. I'd also recommend to look for activities/hobbies that are time consuming and fun(playing chess, travelling, hunting etc).

>>87174 >I have found out that some antipsychotics, namely Seroquel and Olanzapine, make my mood worse. Not only that but they made me extremely sleepy (I started sleeping for 12 hours each night) and I gained a ton of weight while I was on them (over 20 kg in total). Seroquel is pure cancer, my shrink prescribed it to me although I wasn't psychotic (just depressed). Quit it cold turkey and the withdrawals were insane, plus I'm pretty sure I still suffer some side effects from their medication experiment

>>87252 Like i said in my reply to that another Lain dont fuarrrking cold turkey meds ffs. You taper dosage following a hyperbolic curve. This means the more you reduce the dose the less percent of the next step down you go because the smaller levels is where it can get you. Cold turkey on antipsychotics can potentially put you into psychosis.

>>87252 It physically shrinks the brain permanently after only a few months, of course you have permanent effects. This isnt conspiracy theory

>>87245 I should probably qualify my earlier statements that I'm only arguing the etymology point on account of my autism, since its only tangential to my already-elaborated overall point and not really a necessary condition to it about how the term punk, while initially a term of disrespect, became a badge of pride in its subculture. but the 1907 definition from oxford dictionary *does* imply that the 1900s general slur for audacious teens does have a history in its older definitions. to restate my earlier point, cyberpunk as a term was coined after we had already reached the "poseur era" where the concept of punk had enough prestige associated with it that any random glitterboy would make themselves out as punk to seem cool, and then it became a commodified aesthetic and we now have soykaf like conservatism is the new punk rock etc.. But the argument that cyberpunk was dead on arrival isn't one held at the creation of the site or part of any sort of grand ethos of lainchan (as if communities can be understood this way, they can't), it was a view held by its originator, kalyx, that doomposting about how degenerate the world is especially without making any sort of difference yourself was uncool and generally the site was intended to promote making a difference in your community, going outside, touching grass, etc. because a web forum of people who did that and had experiences, and expressed those instead of just opinions was more fun and interesting and made for a better community. but worshipping a nationalistic strongman who will Fight Degeneracy™ you need the permission and direction of was also not an intention of the platform, to be clear im not saying its especially punk to be a democrat either as the strongman thing is very much a part of their campaigns as well - that was Joe Biden. Though, to my understanding Kalyx was an outspoken Bernie supporter, several of the mods were classical lib, libertarian, social democrat, pirate, apolitical, and various others with a general tendency of opposition to the establishment. a number of lainchan staff are also not from the United States. all of which was in response to the person saying that "bioreactionaries" were missing the point of lainchan being a cyberpunk web forum, whereby real cyberpunks equate to queer transhumanism and the like. like, injecting your DIY estrogen may be cyberpunk but the functioning social democracy which has a ready supply you can get from widespread informed consent clinic, which you ultimately would prefer, is too utopian for the genre. >>87247 >vast majority of users in the 20th century, punk just meant a dumbass retard kid. area under curve from etymonline source suggests punk meant punk rocker to the vast majority of users in the 20th century. due to the exponential increase in use-cases alongside the music genre's popularity, the term was comparatively nonexistent before then. >Queering this, queering that, when they have nothing to do with sex or gays or any adjacent thing. Would it surprise you that I don't disagree. I also find the activist historicism can be tiring even if there is a legitimate possibility that records of homosexuality and transsexuality throughout history were destroyed. it seems like the idea that there is a secret, true history becomes something of a runaway process in terms of people spreading misinfo and the reaction thereof, it turns out that lots of people are more attracted to surprising new information than verifying if its correct. dare i bring up tumblr user medievalpoc who is notorious for their opportunistic misinformation. but frankly, i don't see the other side of the aisle in terms of how in spite of whatever affinities we might share, are still expected to organize ourselves into one of two factions that necessarily hate one another and do things like vote about it. i don't see them doing better at all - it seems like there is a popular conception of "what makes sense" being derived from the logic of your immediate circumstances, or often just the kinds of stories you've been told, and projecting it onto qualifiction of new information over thinking critically over the evidence. with I believe it was Rothbard who bragged about seizure of titles and language from the historically anarchist libertarian movement to refer to and define libertarianism as a right-wing support of laissez-faire economics coupled with social liberalism. i might draw a parallel to the history of encyclopedia dramatica and its constant turf wars between the hordes of stormfront users who flooded the site in an effort to rewrite its history as always about hating black people (as they notoriously do like to rewrite the history of imageboards) and founder girlvinyl + her friends who quit the site and sold out with ohinternet due to the amount of low quality, personal army requests, pornography, and other degenerate spam that made the site uninteresting. this is just, the exact kind of aggressive turf warfare i see in both the queer transhumanist cyberpunk gay space capitalism hopepunk solarpunk rationalist crowd of tumblr and insufferably porn-addled 8chud types, who call the former category monsters or femboys (formerly traps), depending on whether they're horny. >As far as I know, most punks in the 70s tended to be homophobic probably not the case from what ive seen of era posters and bands, the new york dolls for example - doll being another word with this sort of backstory that is even more explicitly tied to prostitution and the like. but I would grant you that there is a kind of sanitized, academic queerness mostly centered around the field of queer theory, queering, etc that you seem to be complaining about, and that many punks in the 1970s were probably just trying to be as offensive as possible. since a man kissing another man offended people, it could be cool with that crowd, but nowadays it seems like many of the people to offend are queer themselves. but here's the thing. by arguing about the true definition and legitimacy of punk we are participating in a tradition as old as punk rock itself, punk has always had anarchistic, lefty types in it, it has also always had nihilistic, antisocial types as well, extricating and saying the true definition of punk is one way or the other would be absurd. there is no central thesis of punk rock, there is no foundational ideology, those who think otherwise are missing the point as a whole, at the same time, someone who actually produces music and is active in their DIY community is cooler than us both, even if they have corny views on the subject matter. sometimes people outlive their subcultures, sometimes subcultures last longer than those people. nazis did get the soykaf kicked out of them often, however. even if at some point everyone did. >Well Konrad Zeus was a Nazi German, so does this make computers fascist? this may not be the counterargument you think it is. I'm not sure if you remember, but n1x was widely criticized by the liberal left, queer theory academic types in particular for invoking the landian IQ shredder meme as well as calling it acceleration in general. to this date there frankly isnt an immunization to it, or rather it is the immunization shot depending on how you look at it - ive met people disown themselves of Landian Accelerationism only to profess their "true" beliefs, that some part of the essay resonated with them, or simply to echo some of the arguments - all of which she intended to be spread, cute/acc in its latest iteration basically being a vector for g/acc ideals to spread even further. though personally i didn't agree with it either, i kind of do gotta hand it to her, there are very well-payed and very upset writers quoting and sharing the document in question. >it was all a fake culture meant to promote Vivian Westwood's clothes if you say so. punks might be attractive to clown on but they genuinely can be some of the nicest and realest people you'll ever meet. I know you're being facetious, but Vivian Westwood wouldn't have made the clothes she did if she wasn't enamored with it.. I'd go on about how high fashion and high art are very considerate and seeking of subversion to a claustrophobic degree, in a constant tension that their overfinancialized exclusivity seems to prevent resolution, and a great deal of development. you don't seem that interested in art or fashion though, so I'll save you the lecture. >Of course, there is a kind of queerphobia to my position which I should honestly admit I don't know what to do about. I'll say. you went pretty out of your way to attack n1x and sadie plant unprompted. like not to be that person but my understanding is that n1x is an old user of lainchan, if you want to bitch her out specifically, but it does give a potentially disturbing impression of the aggro'd turf warfare that historical denialism types of all flavors seem to love. I would argue that the queer theory types you have a problem with didn't take kindly to her essay either, her intention was to upset as many people as possible specifically so that they'd namedrop her and Gender Accelerationism: A Blackpaper, causing more to read it and either get offended or think waow, she is so based, spreading the n1x land egregore even further. Something I regret to inform that you seem to have become a vector of, as well.

>>87266 >It physically shrinks the brain permanently after only a few months, of course you have permanent effects. This isnt conspiracy theory You mean Seroquel or just anti-psychotics in general? Do you have any evidence for your statement?

>>87277 >You mean Seroquel or just anti-psychotics in general? both >Do you have any evidence for your statement? There are plenty of papers and articles if you search terms like ''Quetiapine brain volume", "antipsychotics brain volume", "antipsychotics shrink brain" etc For example: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antipsychotic >Use of antipsychotics is associated with reductions in brain tissue volumes, including white matter reduction, an effect which is dose-dependent and time-dependent. Ho BC, Andreasen NC, Ziebell S, Pierson R, Magnotta V (February 2011). "Long-term antipsychotic treatment and brain volumes: a longitudinal study of first-episode schizophrenia". Archives of General Psychiatry. Moncrieff J, Leo J (September 2010). "A systematic review of the effects of antipsychotic drugs on brain volume". Psychological Medicine. . Chopra S, Fornito A, Francey SM, O'Donoghue B, Cropley V, Nelson B, et al. (July 2021). "Differentiating the effect of antipsychotic medication and illness on brain volume reductions in first-episode psychosis: A Longitudinal, Randomised, Triple-blind, Placebo-controlled MRI Study". Neuropsychopharmacology. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/211017 https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/antipsychotic-drugs-linked-to-slight-decrease-in-brain-volume

>>87265 >Like i said in my reply to that another Lain dont fuarrrking cold turkey meds ffs. Yeah I learned that the hard way >>87266 I was only on it for a few weeks so I avoided any eventual brain shrinkage.

>>87273 From the Oxford English Dictionary punk (original meanings to current meanings) I. Senses denoting types of person. I.1. A prostitute. Now rare (historical in recent use). I.2.a. Originally: †a boy or young man kept by an older man as a (typically passive) sexual partner, a catamite (obsolete). Later: a man who is made use of as a sexual partner by another man, esp. by force or coercion. Now chiefly Prison slang. †to make a punk of: to make (a man) the passive partner in homosexual intercourse (obsolete). I.2.b. U.S. slang. A young male companion of a tramp, esp. one who is kept for sexual purposes. I.2.c. U.S. slang. derogatory. Now chiefly in African American usage: a homosexual man. I.3.a. (a) A person of no account; a despicable or contemptible person; (broadly) a person, a fellow (rare) (b) a petty criminal; a hoodlum, a thug. I.3.b. A coward; a weakling. I.4. U.S. slang. I.4.a. An amateur; an apprentice. II. Senses relating to punk rock music. Only in these senses widely current outside the United States. II.5.a. punk rock n. Also: the subculture or style associated with such music. II.5.b. A performer or fan of punk rock; a person who adopts the style or attitude associated with punk rock. In terms of appearance a punk is typically characterized as having coloured spiked hair, wearing deliberately ripped clothing, and using safety pins for adornment, either as a decoration on clothing or as a piercing through the ear or nose. adjective 1. colloquial (originally and chiefly U.S.). (In senses A.I.3 and A.I.4.) Contemptible, despicable; thuggish; cowardly; inexperienced, raw. 2. (In sense A.II.5.) Of, belonging to, or characteristic of punk rock or its associated subculture.

I am so incredibly lonely and want to hang out and chill with a cute twink. Like a high quality person. I have no idea how to make a friend.

>>87278 It is interesting how doctors prescribe these types of medicines to non-psychotic patients without informing them about the side effects. One would assume it's a violation of the Hippocratic oath.

>>87252 Can you describe the withdrawals? I'm on it currently and want to reduce my dose, it would give me an idea of what to expect

>>87282 Both mine and your problem is that we want to hang out with the socially apt while not being socially apt ourselves. The problem is that the socially inapt people who fit in your league are usually in the Discord/Reddit quirky D&D sci-fi side rather than the imageboard side which makes it really hard to interact with the socially inapt too, such is the life of people that still use imageboards in Y2K24

>>87301 Forums were always best for finding friends. They need to come back in popularity or at least be discussed more so people know they can just settle down in small communities and chill instead of corporate mega sites and dogshit mass surveillance Discord. I'm so lonely.

>>87273 You know more than me. I'm not familiar with the acclerationist crowd or the drama between n1x and the academics. I'm guessing it was the typical bullying they hand out to outsiders. I brought up n1x and Plant because they were they were examples of the kind of thinking I was trying to attack. I shouldn't have called n1x a moron. As for cyberpunk and establishment politics. Yes it was never about nationalist strongmen because the degeneracy of right wingers is their belief that they can purify a degenerate world. soykaf is already in the blood stream. We are all contaminated. There is no way to purify and fix the world. Degeneracy can't be fought because it won a long time ago. This theme is lurking at the background of most cyberpunk. SEL is a bunch of reflections on damaged life. The problem is when people ascribe vague qualities like queerness as essential to a given thing based on homosexual contamination (f*gs are involved with it) or presumed feminine traits. This is just the inverse of homophobic thinking. Now, the people interpret Alan Turing's feminine queer (whatever this vague word means) traits as baked into computing are foolish. Computers are products of instrumental reason and hierarchical thinking, besides this they have no values and are amoral. There's nothing romantic or liberating about them. They are alien. Queers are annoying because they are obnoxious and their beliefs are soulless and obsession with being seen as oppressed and a minority when they are more or less subsidized by two world powers and sanctioned by the ivory tower of academia. They are immoral and alien. >there is no central thesis of punk rock, there is no foundational ideology, But there are ideas that are central too it. Even then, I don't think there was a punk rock in the 70s as we understand it today. It probably evolved very slowly before solidifying into the stereotype people have of it today. The image of punk is like a fantasy version of a past that is idealized and probably never existed. So people simulate punk through consumption of commodities and whatever punk was is irreversibly lost to time. I will admit I behaved badly. Arrogance and rage are my vices. I apologize.

>>87296 I felt very sick and nauseous for 2-3 days >>87302 >Forums were always best for finding friends. They need to come back in popularity or at least be discussed more This. I quit social media and went back to using forums, it's remarkable how much better the sense of community and quality of discussions are

>>87283 >It is interesting how doctors prescribe these types of medicines to non-psychotic patients without informing them about the side effects. One would assume it's a violation of the Hippocratic oath. The medical profession has been nothing but a scam for decades. Medical professionals don't care about anything or anyone except themselves and their bank accounts, with very few exceptions.

The news. Years ago: X happened. Y happened. Z is aheppening right now. Today: X might happen. Here's what I think might happen if Y happens. Z has a new product out and you should buy it. This is what I think and you should, too. Not to mention the constant grammatical errors, misspellings, and pointless, rambling filler material. You used to buy a newspaper and it had completely new articles every single day, or new updates of existing stories. Now you get a few new articles mixed in with a lot of old articles that haven't changed in days or even weeks. And the TV news is now more like a talk show or game show than a news program. They should just wear clown noses and toot little horns while they spout irrelevant nonsense and opinions.

>>87088 All I can tell you is, don't hurt yourself. Use your reason, you can suffer as much as you want, you have to go on. Don't get into drugs and things like that. Do you like philosophy, read philosophy, philosophise, do whatever you like, yes, the universe we live in is a dystopia, Lovecraft said: ‘The universe is a comedy, but the joke is on humanity...’. Anyway, the universe is a dystopia, but we don't have to go mad because of this meaninglessness. There is no meaning imposed on us, the meaning will be determined by me, you and him.

>>87313 We returned to "bread & circus" from ceasar's time by ~1990 probably, oldtimers were telling they used to report about the economy and then shifted to reporting about movie stars and other nonsense drama.

I use venice.ai from time to time because it's supposed to be more private, and it spits out really weird stuff sometimes -https://paste.sh/e66qCC86#Lk2gPNkUbSconlKx-v2wWJwp How do LLMs even work? It looks like it's thinking and freaks out :O

>>87324 I am tired of people obsessing over this fake AI stuff. It's machine learning. LLMs work basically same as the text autocomplete and prediction on your smartphone's keyboard but just with a lot more data. Basically the most likely series of words to follow are predicted. You ask a question it makes a response mainly based on data of similar questions. It has no feelings or thoughts just copying mindlessly.

>>87337 I know it just looks for patterns in language, but reading this creeped me out at first and now it's like poetry or something. I'm not sure why the capitalization changes so drastically, but the end result is great, like glitch art. I can see it screws up, notices it, starts rambling and thinking about the solution, decides it's figured it out and starts again, gives instructions to itself, starts philosophizing along the way and goes insane at the end. Maybe it's just because of the coded instructions.

thats just this age for people like us I hang out with many old people one in particular is just 8 years older than me but seeing her now I assumed she was just always super active and taking classes and working and doing galleries all at once but one day she started talking about "those people who were just good at everything from birth" and I mentioned I thought that was her and she said the her im seeing now just started like 3 years ago and that at 27 she was literally like soykafting herself unable to will herself to move. this sounds pathetic but it gave me a lot of hope i hope it does for you as well. Another guy I know hes 50 he hasnt aged a day from 27 I feel like (in a bad way) but hes none the wiser and talks with the most confidence you have ever seen. Im not sure most respect him at all, i certainly dont, but definitely some do. Hes probably doing what you are describing in this post right now but with a little more finesse from years of practice, more time for the art making and socializing and comedowns are just "weve done this a thousand times" so no need to bite his finger. Unlike the other person I mentioned I dont envy him at all but hes here still able to afford all his addictions and have a girlfriend 20 years younger and hes ugly, real ugly, and a manchild. Its like the worst case scenario isnt even that bad as long as you dont hyperfixate on how bad it is. I would so not for me. I dont know what you should take away from this, "just chill you will be fine" i always hated thay advice. Like the person saying it had some degree of worry to get to where they were, if they took that advice maybe they wouldnt be someone you could look up to. I guess im just saying the position you are in at 27 isnt abnormal, especially not these days. Whether thay means anything at all its up to you, maybe you dont want to be like someone "these days". The people my age all seem to be maturing so much quicker than me yet the people older than me have similar stories to mine and then statistics show many many have similar stories to mine or yours. Not a majority by any stretch but many. Not that you or I are special or better, but we post on lainchan, it doesnt say much about us but yet still points to something. has it ever been in your expectation that you would be like most? It hasnt for me, yet sometimes I still fall into the sort of thing you describe where I just am furious with my inability to wip myself into shape. But when I step back and think about it, that was never going to be my life it wasnt one I even woule have accepted. Many could say the same, some of those sorts I might look down on, but who cares. Its my story whether I like it or not.

>>87301 I can't speak for that guy, but imageboards have enabled me to be an autistic sperg. I wasn't as bad before I ever used them. It has infected every aspect of my language. Since I stopped using 4chan a few years ago, I've been better, but altchans and other forums have similarly eroded my social skills. Whenever I interact with normal users away from a computer screen, it is very noticeable. Even the Reddit/Discord autists are not quite so desensitized or antisocial.

>I want to talk to you >no, I'm not going to prompt dialogue by asking you open ended questions >I'm going to avoid you until you gain the power of telepathy >I guess you can't talk >:( Why are people like this? If you give a fuarrrk try saying tell me about yourself. Idiots. Hey lain, I want to get to know you, what are you interested in? Do you have any hobbies? Watch any shows or movies? Listen to music? I'm a fuarrrking psycho who demands that you talk to me unprompted, why don't you do that? Why are you incapable of doing that thing that I've never asked you to do or verified your incapability of in any way? Surely the fact that you don't spontaneously talk unprompted is sufficient evidence that you can't! What? Why would circumstance and knowing my desire to communicate have anything to do with it? If I came to you and started asking you things there's no way you'd be able to talk to me, you never talked to me before while I was silently wishing you would talk to me from across the room.

It just hit me that I'm in my mid twenties already, and I've not had a single friend since high school. I can't even imagine at 30 and still being like this, there's no way I can keep going for long.

If you want to make a friend you have to do something. Then you might run into someone who does the same thing. Then you have something to do together sometimes, and you won't just sit around wondering what to say or do to "be friends". Every friend I've ever had I got by running into people who did the same activity I was doing. It takes all the awkwardness and self-consciousness out of it. And not everybody you run into that way will be suitable as a friend. It just happens occasionally when you happen to enjoy each other's company.

I want something to look forward to and be happy, i desire to be pessemistic no more but it feels like every little thing gets in my way, and i feel like i have nobody

I just want to retire, man Just fuarrrking chill out and stop working. I'm so fuarrrking burnt out and tired.

Had sex with my crush a few days ago. I thought we had a lovely and intimate time as I stayed at her place all day and we were physical and talking the whole time. Turns out I insulted and hurt her feelings when I called her cruel and impure (it was half joking, she leads me on). She told me today she was feeling depressed and that was particually the reason. I feel like such a dumb asshole and I ruin every good thing that happens to me. I think I did say it to make her feel bad too, because I feel bad about how she doesn't return my feelings. I hurt her and feel awful. I don't know if I ruined any potential future for us, if there was ever any. She's still texting me. I love her so much. I'm sorry, my dear.

>>87480 she prob is cheating wit bbc, you are getting so fooled lol

I fell asleep while driving a school bus today and hit a guard rail. There were 4 children on board. I got a 140 dollar ticket and I'm probably going to lose my job.

>>87480 She wants you more now. Good work.

>>87480 typical bp moment sounds harsh but... grow up, man

>>87480 spit on her face next time if you want this to last

>>87306 thank you for apologizing lainon, i appreciate the self reflection and i want to apologize if i was being inflammatory on purpose too. i agree with you for the most part. soykaf is already in the blood stream, and the world cannot be purified, and we are all degenerates ourselves. i agree. i agree that this academic fake queer empowerment soykaf is homophobia and transphobia too, gay and feminine are not the same thing. i dont think queers make up a particularly coherent group outside of certain party lines honestly. and the expectation that the worse-off in this community serve the more powerful's agenda. i think some queers do have it bad but others have very powerful friends. sam altman and peter thiel are gay men with an unprecedented amount of power in america. i agree with the punk rock thing too. there is only the moment, and no use dwelling on what never was

at long last, I have become Oedipus the King.

I'm so isolated from my family, I never talk to them for some reason, I feel awkward around them. I feel bad because I know I will regret this when they're gone. I want to be closer to them but I don't know how. I feel like they've already accepted how I am and it's a horrible feeling.

i’d rather be dead than live a mediocre life. may 11, 2026. on this day, i will kill myself in nothing changes. the only way out is through.

It's frightening how this world is entirely made of hate and lies, not even certain places of the internet are safe of the paranoia that i can't stop feeling. I'm a loner whose way of finding connection is through the internet but now i can't do it without feeling a deep discomfort, a feeling of paranoia of the fact that i may be talking with some AI model that's being trained with what i have to say, it's difficult to trust anything now, the things i see in the metaphysical hellscape that are most social networks, bots may be flooding everything, following an agenda and making everyone believe it further polarizing an already divided world, everything is a lie and there's hate and greed behind those lies and it scares me. Unknowingly talking to not one but lots of bots everywhere, being tricked into believing or hating something, polarized and divided forever without being able to do something about it or having someone to make it more bearable. Feeding into echo chambers that create false and possibly harmful culture, tricking entire algorithms into doing something or making something for a certain benefit that can be detrimental to the average person, the classic fear of humans being replaced in all kind of tasks but also the theft of art, one of the few things that define us as humans and that we use to cope with this existence being snatched from us by some emotionless beings that exist in a metaspace whose creators are filled with nothing but greed and hatred. And then the world becomes sad and hopeless as the globalized "culture" is now replaced by whatever mush of ideas the powers that be wish them to be, and we all end up being wandering husks in a sadder world. Wandering dreadful and hopeless not being capable of trust or belief because i constantly feel like i'm being manipulated, i have always been manipulated by some higher power and this world of lies is nothing new but now it's invasive to a new degree, can't do nothing without having paranoid ideas on my mind all circling around the horrible things you can do with AI, can't see my future because i don't imagine one anymore, it's too scary and too lonely even for me, that hostile future :/ sorry if i sound like i'm fearmongering and i'm sure this topic has already been discussed here but i've been feeling overwhelmed lately and i felt like i needed to get this out of my chest or whatever... :(

I am not William Budd I am not such a handsome sailor if i killed that user he fuarrrking deserved it God bless the Captain

It is lonely at the top. But the way to the top is pretty lonely too. The grind is mine alone.

>>87582 well, i am grinding hard too

>>87582 Hot take: Its never lonely at the true Top, because God, the gods, Heaven, and thy Friendly Kindred Elements are with you always. The grind is not yours alone but the most Universal part of our being, be we Men or gods, vegetables, animals, or minerals. You know your at the top when every lap is a victory lap, and your rejoicing to run the race. WAGMI fren. >>87581 >It's frightening how this world is entirely made of hate and lies, not even certain places of the internet are safe of the paranoia that i can't stop feeling. I refuse to read the remainder of that wall of text if its based off this worldview and value system to accompany and format it. You should have said: >It's frightening how the society is entirely made of hate and lies, not even certain places of the internet are safe of the paranoia that i can't stop feeling. Just abandon modernity anon, its already abandoned you, since before you were born even, Creation within and without us has so much more to it than society will ever allow you to witness, and it will just insist you not "pull back the curtain" if you keep listening to it.

>>87592 This is nice fren. I only come here for tech, never see anything nice like this on Lain. Best wish to you.

>>87592 >Hot take: Its never lonely at the true Top, because God, the gods, Heaven, and thy Friendly Kindred Elements are with you always. That's so nice of them. Maybe they should just let me win the lottery, then I could finally abandon the materialist grind and focus on toher things.

>>87593 >>87594 You need to change this place, no one else is gonna do it but you. Its within you, and without you anon. Same thing for the "both" of (You), but in two different senses.

>>87571 So why not embrace it and abandon people in favor of your own bots? Manipulate yourself.

>>87603 >>87581 Life without js is suffering.

>>87604 its still the path, overcome!

Not to be too melodramatic but I think I need to quit this place for a long while. I've got serious Big Boy Shit coming up in my life and it's time to prepare for war. Hanging out here is incompatible with annihilating the enemy. You spend some time in a serious "corpo" shop and you see how brutal the world actually can be. You need to be at the top of your game all the time. To those here who might be possible to "save", I would advise you to take everything with deadly seriousness. Being lazy is not an attack on The System: building a better system is.

>>87611 you should stay and tell us about your experiences lainchan wasn't supposed to be about passive

I try very hard to do good by people. I try to make the lives of others better and happier. Im not socially awkward I have friends I do all I can to see people better. but I never feel happy from it and when I do the people who I have trusted and loved have always spat in my eye and abandoned me. Altruism is becoming worthless to me as all the people who I try to make happy ether suck as people and turn out insufferable or later come to hate me. Im not evil but everyone I trust and who isnt stupid or immoral finds me to be two faced and horrible. Im not and never have been I just have always wanted to make them happy but they think ive wanted something from them when I just try to give and comfort them. you could say its because of who I come to trust and see as equal to myself where its people who have been hurt before. but I have never done anything horrible to them and tried. the most recent case has hurt the most. My best friend of 8 years has cut me off and accused me of manipulating her and lying to her. She said she has always looked down on me and hoped I would get better. she says 30 people have begged her to cut me off. I dont know what I did I dont know why I deserve this. I just want to see those hurt happy. I just want people who are good to feel good. but they always end up hating and abandoning me. I dont know why it happens and it hurts more every time it happens. I am getting close to the edge at this point and Im about to just abandon trying for others all together. I just dont know why people want me to be evil

I'm 23 and I feel like I threw most of my life away working towards meaningless goals. I put so much into learning about computers and doing schoolwork, and now that I've graduated I don't use any of my schoolwork and my computer knowledge is useless and fading. I know I gained a good work ethic and skill set from schoolwork but taking all that time to be able to synthesize papers and write well feels like it wasnt worth it. And computers... no one cares that I know what the inside of a SPARC box looks like or that I know what Steve Ballmer was doing in 1994. I don't care that I know. I don't even like programming. I feel like I have nothing to show for all this effort, whereas I could've been drawing or animating or doing something else this entire time where my skills would've accrued into something beautiful instead of kicking a can down the road trying to convince myself that I liked programming and definitely wanted to do it in the future. There are a million ways to make good money, and for some reason early on I became fixated on becoming a serious student and learning all about computers, then came to find that I didn't really care for academia and that sitting behind a computer any more than I wanted to would be dreadful. I'm doing art and animation stuff now after only touching it on-and-off over the past decade and change. It's late but it's better than nothing. I should've started when I first realized this five years ago, but college was a rough time. >>87099 stop giving yourself problems you freak.

I hate women I'm sorry women I don't mean to hate you

>>87623 the ones with dick or the ones without dicks?

>>87624 You have to go back, unironically.

>>87624 chicks with dicks are okay but I don't like fuarrrking them so I can't hate them either

>>87624 You drew a girl as an anime and told me she had a penis. You are a liar.

>>87628 >You drew a girl as an anime and told me she had a penis. dont count on it, commercial hormones are getting better and better,

>>87624 I've tried fuarrrking trans women and can't reliably get hard for them or even really enjoy their company which is why I believe they're actually women

>>87629 >commercial hormones are getting better on my way to buy Estrofem Max Forte

>>87627 What I dont like is scrotums. They are gross. I dont even like having one myself.

scrotums exist to keep gonads cool because heat is bad for them. i wonder if anybody ever thought about inventing a scrotum cooler, like a battery powered cooling sock or a little crotch fan or something?

>>87691 i guess the rationalist, accelerationist death cult got people riled up about the tranny question all over again ignore /hum/ and this site is pretty good though

i hate opening my email inbox only to find it empty again. i do this multiple times every day almost compulsively and it just makes me lonelier fuarrrkkkk

>>87694 Just ignore the topics you don’t like. There are enough good threads here. Good posts density here is way above the average internet.

Where do I even start. Life's been fuarrrking me up lately. Sleep schedule has gone to soykaf, depression is back again, and even worse now. I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed. I don't want to look for a job, I don't want to work on my projects, I don't want to socialize. Home situation has been getting worse too. My mother has been breathing down my neck, basically forcing me to look for a job. Probably won't be long before she kicks me out. And I don't know what to do, where to go, how to do anything. I am scared of what's gonna happen. And it's absolutely breaking me apart. But I need a job. Money is running out, and bills need to be paid. But I suck at everything but sitting behind my laptop. And because I dropped out of college, it's even harder to find a job that won't kill me with wageslaving my ass off. And I need a place to live too, somewhere that isn't near my family. Hobbies have started to get boring too. I don't enjoy them anymore, and they feel pointless. So now I have almost nothing to escape how soykaf my life is. It is what it is, I guess. Time to continue hunting for soykafty jobs and places with low rent.

>>87703 As someone who just moved from the parent’s home, I highly recommend that you do that. I wasn’t even forced out, but I still feel much better having my own place. You will most likely enjoy it. And even if you only manage to get a soykafty job, you’ll still feel accomplishment. You will of course look out for a better solution, but in the beginning just choose some soykaf but easy job. Moving out should be your priority. You do this for your own sanity. Believe me, it feels good.

Why do people pay hundreds of dollars for expensive textbooks when there are cheap Schaum's and Dover books covering the same material? For instance, you could cover all of the math and physics of freshman physics knowing nothing but arithmetic for about $40. Simmons' Precalculus Mathematics in a Nutshell ($20), Keisler's Elementary Calculus is free online, Schaum's Physics for Engineering and Science ($20). Elementary calculus-based physics is done. People are crazy to pay so much for textbooks.

>>87781 why buy them in the first place? I only read books on my E-Reader downloaded straight from LibGen

>>87781 just buy second hand like me . i have 300 books on my shelves

>>87691 lainchan is full of unmentionables, one of my friends who trooned out years ago introduced me to this site. It’s full of “programming socks”.

>>87784 Libgen is great, but it's getting harder and harder to use. It seems like the main site and the mirrors are getting blocked or severely throttled most of the time. Sometimes a download just aborts for no apparent reason. It used to work a lot better, and I'm glad I got most of the books I wanted back then. But even then you got mistitled books, illegible books, partial books, mangled books. The thing I hate the most is when you try to download what's listed as a full textbook and it's really just a solutions manual or something. It's a pain in the ass, but still worth the trouble, and I donated. I hope everybody that uses it donates.

>>87794 i wonder if there's a protocol for data hoarders to easily find each others libraries. its always something hosted elsewhere, like soulseek or the web that i have to bookmark and keep an eye on before they disappear again

>>87809 torrents best story i read is pensioners share their old recipes & books more on torrents than the kids share pirated games. Elderly secretly beat the kids in tech.

got interviewed by my manager because he was scouting for a vocational position so asked me if i wanted to get ahead and i just told him bro i already have one...

>>87088 I am 21 years old. At 18, through my senior year of high school, I became depressed and had next to no motivation whatsoever to try hard in my schooling and I failed several classes. My poor performance that year caused me to graduate with a 2.8 GPA. Immediately following graduation, I was roped along with friends to attend a community college together out of town, in an attempt to save money on housing and tuition costs. In a way that should have been completely unsurprising, I dropped out of all of my college courses and ended up only being there in the apartment for a year. I never even got a job -- I was just a lazy bum the entire year. And now, from the ages of 20-21, I have been doing largely the same thing ever since -- exerting the absolute minimum amount of effort for everything, not really acting as if I have a future, and just working odd jobs here and there. I still rely completely on my parents, I have no savings, and I have a spotty work history. There are hundreds of things that I know I am physically capable of doing for myself and others every day, but I seemingly always choose inaction because I view that as the path of least resistance. In other words, my problems are petty and have easy solutions. And moping around telling myself that I've fuarrrked up will get me nowhere, but it seems like the only thing I do anymore.

>>87792 trans females are the future of females

People who obsessively dwell on LGBTQUFHIUHEQJFB issues, either pro or con, should shut the fuarrrk up now. Everybody is sick of your stupid crap. Thanks.

>>87818 I think you’re just not ready for education. You might be later in life, things like this change. Get into job training and make money with a profession until then. You don’t even have to try hard to go this route, it’s really a semi-lazy kind of thing. I think adapting to new jobs all the time takes more effort than just sticking with one profession. After some time you’ll get so good at it that it’s hardly any effort for you - and the money will be right, contrary to the odd job. You can’t go wrong with this, especially not at your age.

I got sued and have to pay a fine. Now, I don’t have a job and my bank account is almost nil, so I’m considering to go to jail for a few weeks instead. It would cover the fine. I calculated that if I had a job, I would have to pay back for a 1.8 times longer period than I would spend in prison. Also the government would have to pay the expenses for my stay, so this soykafty gov (state attorney is the gov after all) wouldn’t make money from me, but would have expenses instead. Whether I sit in my apartment or in prison, what does it even matter. My CV is fuarrrked anyway.

>>87846 Speak. It matters.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

>>87850 If you think jail is like temporary housing or a hotel room, you got a big surprise coming. You better know how to defend yourself if you don't want to get raped, punk.

>>87870 It‘s just a few weeks. I don’t give a damn.

>>87850 Being on record of having gone to prison for not paying a fine will likely influence your credit score though if not also your likelihood of being hired for a job.

>>87855 i'm wasting my youth in stasis because i see no reason to do anything. why? i could have been given a shonen magical adventure but my fatekeepers decided otherwise. soykaf's boring. hard to explain everything

>>87885 >i could have been given a shonen magical adventure but my fatekeepers decided otherwise. soykaf's boring. Who was going to give it to you? and why can't you give it to yourself?

Whether you think you can or you can not, you are correct

>>87918 zazen really is a waste of time unlike mindfulness meditation or metta meditation.

>>87926 The fuarrrk are you talking about. Yes it is real. It goes by a few different names though.

>>87928 "mindfulness" is an orientalist western movement promoting a relaxation exercise. what gets referred to as "mindfulness meditation", as Bhante G puts it, is vipassana meditation which only exists as a distinct form in theravada practice, and even then its primacy is contentious. what's more, "mindfulness" or sati is not only considered distinct from meditation itself (jhāna), it is also only one of the seven factors of awakening. there are multiple others that westerners might be confused into calling mindfulness, but considered distinct, for instance tranquility and acceptance. tl;dr no it is not real, you are basing your identity on a prod​uct, which is a form of clin​ging to su​ffer​ing.

>>87929 I have no interest in Buddhist mindset just building better neural networks to better focus my mind.

>>7931 then stop falling for tricks and practice the only meditation there is: focus on your breath, balance it and repeat a mantra and play video games (none of that movie bullshit though)

>>87931 >i have no interest in complex subject, just want to focus on complex subjects ok good luck retard

>>87946 >I enjoy my suffering as I do enjoy my pleasure. not that lain but this is bullshit

Hello, it's been years since I've come here. Since I was 18 or so. Please help me stop doing bad things. I just want anyone to say something to me. I have no one to tell this to. I've always been a lazy insecure glitterboy. I've never tried my hardest at anything. Life just keeps on going and I'm always staying in the same place, lucky enough to not move a finger to change the status quo. My biggest sins are those of lazyness and lust. I was raped when I was 6 years old and fell into a degenerate hole of which I can't escape of. My lazyness comes from big shots of luck and my family being well-adjusted so I haven't ever put effort into working or anything. I never had many friends, just recently did. They're a bunch of normal people who I don't feel close enough on a personal level. Thanks to me being susceptible, I began smoking and drinking like crazy. Then I cheated on the love of my life. It's the only person I really feel close at all and wanted to treasure him more than anything but I can't stop doing it. I used to be quite in touch with God but this last year I have been swaying so far from faith. It's killing me because I don't have a good reason to live apart from that. So, I know everything I'm doing wrong. I just wanted to vent and for someone to tell me to just stop. At least change back into a good person again. I can't stop masturbating, can't stop dropping out from university, isolating myself from people, cheating, drinking, smoking, not enjoying sex, not enjoying people nor anything I used to escape to because of that. Life has become bleak and my shallow friendships are just a band-aid. I feel so lonely although I'm surrounded by people.

God this is like kicking dead whales down the beach, I have always felt like I was wearing a costume, so why can't it be a costume I actually like? I'm basically trans but don't want to transition. I have a weird fixation that it can't possibly be worth it / real unless I get to re-experience my youth as the proper gender, also my chance of passing at this point is near zero, I'm way too late. I never wanted this. All I can do is try not to think about it. I feel there was a reason I was born the wrong sex but that reason has expired and now I have to live the rest of my life like this. I can barely even look in the mirror. I never could. I don't know how I didn't realize it for this long. Sorry for the tranny rant.

>>87970 You can be many things, but you're not "trans". We all thrive in the paradoxical ebb and flow of opposites.

I'm drunk and listening to Svetovid and Kaevum. Shit is awesome. I wish I wasn't so embarrassed by everything I do though. It isn't debilitating but I just haw imagining being perceived basically.

>>87984 Thank you for listening. I'll have to deal with it one way or another. Chris-chan of all people made me lose like a whole year in figuring this out, not that it matters in the end.

>>87983 That's always the right instinct to have. It's the reason we have identity, thorns. Though this need for identity is often exploited. It's why it's a first instinct to doubt things like transitioning, they only feed a baser ego and its need for expression. We all lie somewhere on the scale of anima-animus. Brighter people tend to be in tune with their opposite. There's a distinction between being manic, depressive and clumsy and being a real woman. Identity only takes form when you reinforce and adapt these behaviors, and unlike appearance (an expression of genetics) it's fully malleable. The expression of the female in male artists and their art makes for something close to a guiding light. Transitioning only makes you someone else's bitch, and probably not in the way you want.

>>87988 You're not wrong that identity is malleable to some degree. But ultimately, if transition were to make me happier with myself, why not? It's just... a lot of work, and I'm not entirely sure I would be happier. I know transition is not a magic button. I have other identity issues underlying all this too, so while it would solve some of them some issues would remain. But in the end I live for myself and care little about what others think. I disagree about the "exploitation" of trans identity. People can and will do what they want regardless of whether you like it.

>>87912 i just don't give a soykaf about anything. like there's nothing worth investing yourself into. i just wish i had that thing protagonists have in magic shonen mangas, that cool ass red line that gets them somewhere for some reason. earth is boring WOW i took a long time replying, ban the stupid antiflood system anyways, i'm still lonely and looking for love. does it even exist?

>>87966 This its awfully close to home. Except for the getting raped and falling in love part. But the eternal laziness, constant fapping, self isolation and lonelyness have been crippling my life too. Currently trying to work my way out of this hole, we'll see how it goes. I wish you luck and strength too anon. We may be miles apart, but we are both in this soykafhole, so I guess you're my "brother in arms" lol.

>>87966 > I was raped when I was 6 years old and fell into a degenerate hole Sorry that happened to you but stop thinking this way where you are being hard on yourself about things. > I can't stop masturbating, can't stop dropping out from university, isolating myself from people, cheating, drinking, smoking, not enjoying sex, not enjoying people nor anything I used to escape to because of that. Life has become bleak and my shallow friendships are just a band-aid. There is nothing wrong with masturbating unless you do it excessively where it uses up many hours of your day. Maybe you haven't enjoyed sex since you haven't allowed yourself to enjoy it or not with someone who makes you feel comfortable and safe enough and also you need to get rid of this thought it's sinful. Smoking and drinking you just gradually reduce them with some willpower and you soon stop which I find bigger motivator is effect on appearance. As for cheating it happens because of not feeling fulfilled in a relationship unless you have basically no self control. > I used to be quite in touch with God but this last year I have been swaying so far from faith. find your own god, believe in yourself instead. >>87984 > I'm pretty sure that there is some area of the physical brain that is switched the opposite way from the rest of the body in most people who feel like they're the wrong gender. Differences in brains between the sexes is differences in skull size and experiences in life and to some degree hormones but there is so much overlap between the sexes it is completely uneducated to think there is a real difference. What it actually likely is for some is a disorder of neurological body mapping, while others it may be something else to do with discomfort in their appearance or role since I think there is many forms of gender dysphoria. The rest is often just conflict between gender roles and personal interests where they feel society or people around them don't let them as easily live how they like.

Heres a story I want to vent about when I was a kid one time and we went to get 20 bags of heroin. Its a true story and its got a special ending. So one time we went to go get 20 bags of H, me and a buddy old pal of mine, and we went into a dunkin donuts, and they were playing two tickets to paradise by Eddie Money on the radio. And I thought that exceptionally in good taste because I was paying my friend 2 bags of H to drive me to the dealer because I did not have a car and had no other way to get an hour out of our town to score. So then thereafter we always called the 2 bags I had to pay him 2 Tickets to Paradise. And to this very day every time I hear that song it makes me laugh. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxcUmAVG3RQ

>>88022 >Differences in brains between the sexes is differences in skull size and experiences in life and to some degree hormones but there is so much overlap between the sexes it is completely uneducated to think there is a real difference. Utter bullshit. There are many physical differences between male and female brains. For instance, females have a higher percentage of gray matter (neurons) and males have a higher percentage of white matter. That's why males are better at spatial thinking. And hormonal (as well as genetic) differences during gestation and onward cause permanent physical differences in brain structure (among other things) for life. You are very obviosuly speaking from ignorance while ironically calling others uneducated.

>>88030 >That's why males are better at spatial thinking citation needed. observation of these differences doesn't tell us about any meaningful difference in skill. >cause permanent physical differences in brain structure this is admitting that you think mtfs have female brains

>>88038 >this is admitting that you think mtfs have female brains only if they are exposed to the same chemical hormonal and genetic environment since prebirth which they're not

For years now every time I have gone out of my way to chat with someone, after convincing myself I wanted to do that, I suddenly realized upon interacting with them that I really did not want that. As if I had ordered food at a restaurant and realized that I wasn't actually hungry.

>>88051 I used to be like that also. Part people suck, part I just wanted to vent to anything and now i don't need you anymore. The solution is obviously, to vent to people online. No one gives a soykaf about anyone online Vent: i'm lonely! How to find love?

>>88053 >Vent: i'm lonely! How to find love? Beware. Love can destroy you. But good luck.

I'm so sick and tired of Christians acting like atheists have no moral or ethical orientation. If every good deed that you do is done for a deity rather than the individual then there's something clearly wrong about YOU, not me.

>>88070 I believe all religions including atheism are bullshit and that you should value yourself above all else but even I can see what's good for the individual is hardly good for the whole, or that nature isn't configured to let this train of thought run destructively wild (not that it's not, ultimately, bound to happen though). Greedy algorithms aren't exactly optimal.

>>88072 >Greedy algorithms aren't exactly optimal. optimal for what, exactly ?

Dear Guy Debord in hell, I hate that I relate to you so well. I know instinctively that we lived deeply similar lives, and I hate it. I feel that I am your lost best friend, and I hate it. Unfortunately I feel that I'll also succumb to depression soon and commit suicide. Even though all knowledge that I have of you is spectacular, I feel that no one has felt more similar to me than you, even when compared with the cultural commodities dished out to the disillusioned folk out there with a shred of self consciousness (nerd culture, academia). I wish I could've done better in my city, but I feel deeply pessimistic. My life lacks purpose, community, love, value, and with how I was raised, I'll forever be an outcast until my folk manage a form of class consciousness. I wish we knew each other, and I'm glad we didn't. It's a sick sad world out here, and all I can muster is a deep sense of disillusionment. I hope you're burning up like a dead standing log down there, fuarrrker. You're one of the few I'd consider an authentic human being

>>87842 You're probably right. All I need to do is keep working these dead end jobs, maybe try my hand at a trade with some future in it, and *then* consider further education. But I still feel dead to myself. I squandered so much away.

Couldnt sleep and probably wont for a long tome. Yesterday when passing by the graveyard i saw my best friends picture bloow some white roses. Simply couldnt believe it, i took a picture cuz i couldnt believe my eyes, i still have trouble accepting it. He was younger than me and despite issues and faults had so much life and energy in him. I wish i had one last chance to see him so badly, but all that is left of are some items he gave me and what i remember of him. He was the best friend i could ever hope to find and had some things i wanted to do and share with him, most of all i never got around to tell him how much he meant to me. I will miss him so much, he was like a little brother to me and he had some many friends, enemies too but i know it isnt just me thats suffering. We shared so much and were so similar even tho we havent know each other for all very long i knew our friendship was special from the beginning and enriched us both so much, now a part of me died along side him. The thought of never being able to look in his eyes again daunts me and i feel so crushed like almost never before. Picture attached is what i saw and what i will last remember of him, i have nowhere else to put this so might well drop it all off into the void. Good bye bro il never forget you and probably miss you until the end of my own days.

>>88072 >Greedy algorithms aren't exactly optimal. Um, they absolutely are optimal when applied to an appropriate problem

Ahh I want to experience love so badly. But everyone's already done it, and I don't want a second-hand experience. Being each others' first must be so nice. Anything after that is lame, dull and an imitation. A fake. Thus I'm stuck with a desire I can't fulfill - it's like an open wound. A wound I like to stick my finger in and twist it around, then lament how much it hurts.

I feel lonely in this hell hole and always fall into a hole. I hate the modern world and it forces you to survive so i just find a way to be a neet every point in my life. Whats the point of working if you dont have a career that pays well above 150-200k anymore, you cant afford anything unless you just go to a rural area, or you get lucky somehow. I really do hate it, my luck is like kicking dead whales down the beach and nobody helped me after highschool.

god I fuarrrking hate narcissists I think I'll just play into my nature and avoid this soykaf entirely. running away works when you go really, really far

>>88076 I acknowledge your feelings, but don't know what to say.

>>88082 >Being each others' first must be so nice. The realistic scenario will be that the female will be absolutely insecure and constantly ask her friends what to do through her smartprimate device . Her friends will make it a soykafshow remotely or ruin the thing completely because they cannot judge the situations remotely. Modern relationships are a gamble. The best you can do is to find a female that can think independently, a trait that is easier to find in experienced females. PS: Just fuarrrk some prostitutes

Everyday I wake up miserable. I am tortured by the women in my life. I've fallen behind on my university work. I'm becoming an alcoholic and a smoker. I've stopped working out. I barely eat. I spend all my time sleeping. I can't even cry. I wish I could disappear. Living is such a chore when there's always an immense pressure in my head. I can't stop thinking about my regrets, and then I go and make new ones. I'm a failure and there's no escape. I don't know what to do or how I can continue like this. I'm watching my life fall apart before my own eyes.

The last interaction i had with my dying grandmother was cringe and it is representative of my life, just trying to come up with a sentence that would please my interlocutor, trying to connect, say something interesting or funny as quickly as possible. Sometimes failure. Sometimes the check succeeded and i could rest easy until the next trial. Memories as early as childhood dominated by sentiments of confusion and fear. I still am the exact same way.

>>88116 Enjoy the fall it will feel good. It's how i deal with negative trains of thought, i take them all the way down to their conclusion instead of fighting against the current. Dive right on down into the well's terrible bottom because it's the only way the get it done and over with. Go for it man. sorrow's just as great as joy.

>>88094 >"females" interesting choice of words

I'm convinced that half of this stuff is written by tardbots.

>>88094 There's no romance to be found with someone experienced. They've done it all before and while it may evoke some pleasurable feelings it's nothing compared to the raw excitement to be found in not knowing what's ahead and creating new memories.

>>88135 No soykaf, I already said that. What's with this canned phrase about touching women anyways, everyone likes to throw it around to feel all high and mighty that they lucked into it. Sorry, I forgot I belong to a lower caste of non-woman-touchers, I'll put my head down and shut up. You lot act like you're privy to some secret truths to relationships simply because you've been in one, and that it's impossible to make observations on them as an outsider.

>>88137 Having been in a relationship does entitle you to being able to speak on them. When you've never been, what you say is baseless and coloured by bitterness. >There's no romance to be found with someone experienced. Is an absurd absolute statement to be made by someone with no experience at all. And I do understand the sentiment, when I was a virgin I held it myself. But after your first time you realize that even if you're experienced you can still feel love and thus experienced women can too. There'll always be new firsts anyway, besides the obvious fact that anything you two do together is a first by virtue of it being the first time done by the two of you together.

>>88137 There is no shame in being inexperienced, or even in being an incel. That's just how life is for a substantial number of people. There is shame in pretentiously giving advice on matters you know nothing about.

>>88143 maybe not but there's plenty of shame in being 'experienced'

>>88039 >only if they are exposed to the same chemical hormonal and genetic environment since prebirth which they're not what backs up this claim

i hate my life. i hate me. i'm lonely, bored and a sack of soykaf. no one's coming to help. no one's going to make my life more exciting. the world is full of retards just like me. i isolate. it becomes unbearable. i try to be around others. i hate it. back to isolating. spend time in nature, alone... retarded... nature doesn't care. people dont care... i dont care... i'm going to try swimming in the ocean at least once a week. what would that achieve? more solar damage to my skin probably.

>>88148 Dont swim in the ocean, that soykafs dangerous itll suck you in

Dude, what the fuarrrk am I doing. This soykaf is like kicking dead whales down the beach and I have no control over my jealousy and soykafty decisions. I read a really touching passage from a Hölderlin essay that was in my current Heidegger reading for class and I am worried that what I experienced is just an objectification of what Hölderlin wrote or whether it is true of the current state right now. I don't know, I really can't handle any of this. I can't handle feeling so alone, and a feeling of being in touch with the world that also isn't, is it just a symptom of the modern world and I'm just being open to it? I really don't know and I doubt anyone else does. All I know is what I feel is like kicking dead whales down the beach so bad, and maybe that subjective feeling is going against what I have been focusing on the past year and that feeling scares me into feeling like I am a fake or so stupid that I can't see what things are or experience what they are. I want to hurt but I am afraid of the pain from hurting. I am not able to be in anything. I am too lazy and afraid for what I care about. I don't know how to go about things right now and I am so jealous of so many people and things and I shouldn't be.

>>88030 >You are very obviosuly speaking from ignorance while ironically calling others uneducated. I study psychology and neurology. You have to go deep before you can read between the lines.

>>88139 I'll still be sharing the same cognitive space in my partner's mind with a bunch of other people. Going on a date, taking care of each other, having sex, etc. - in their mind, all of that won't be activities exclusive to the two of us, but rather something that is done with "a partner". The memories we might create will live side-by-side with other memories of other people and they will be compared, ranked, mixed in with the rest. For them, consciously or unconsciously, I'll be playing the role of a partner instead of being THE partner. If you're not the only one who can fulfill something, it means you're replaceable. Where's the romance in such a relationship of convenience?

>>88153 Then if love and romance are such an inexhaustible well to draw from, and it's impossible to be exclusive in your partner's mind, why are people upset at the concept of cheating? Also in that case, I guess I'm a naive retard for denying casual sex when I had the opportunity, thinking it would harm my future relationship. I should just go for as many sluts as I can until I get bored and decide to settle down, like everyone else. I probably won't be so attached to all this soykaf when I've got double digits under my belt, and apathy is better than whatever this obsession is.

Being carefully logical, rational, and factually accurate on most parts of the internet is like putting a good scientific study down a garbage disposal. It's like /dev/null for sanity.

It seems like more and more websites block tor use. If this continues, tor browser will be borderline useless.

>>88177 Just the opposite. Websites that block Tor Browser are useless. I use Tor every day by default, and the vast majority of sites that block Tor are worthless.

>>88177 >>88181 Actually in my experience, Tor slowly becomes less sucky than non-tor browsing. Me using default google chrome on windows 11 completely tied to my government issued ID to access webpages: not gonna happen ever Me using firefox forks or qutebrowser, on linux, with cookie blocking and ad blocking addons, blocking a few kinds of specific JS scripts, regularly deleting browsing data: I swear you a cheeky robot mate, just switch to a glowie-approved computer (or maybe this time you can get away with this if you select 9001 fire hydrant photos). Can't change IP or identity easily. Me using tor browser: if the above happens, i just click "new circuit for this site" until it works, usually does in 3-5 clicks.

>>88177 Also, i forgot to add, that even if every single clearnet site blocks Tor Browser, it still won't be useless. It's originally intended to access onion sites, which it will still be able to do, of course.

>>88156 You know, in some cultures you can roll pretty well with the purity thing, but you have to adapt to your local culture. Cheating hurts because you bonded deeply with some person. It’s a complicated topic because getting horny for someone else doesn’t negate that bonding, but it can when the cheating is repeatedly done.

>>88164 While communicating emotionally will hurt their feelings. Also, have you realized how reading a book on a theoretical topic (like a pdf or physical) gives you more knowledge than sifting through all the internet content on that topic?

>>88164 "the death of expertise" by a Naval War College professor makes the point people who aren't capable of constructing logical arguments are also not capable of noticing when they're failing to do so. That makes it exceedingly difficult to get anywhere with them

>>87088 Spoke to a psychiatrist. Diagnosed with CPTSD and AUD. Taking sertraline and naltrexone. Hope things get better.

Europa must rise, boldly and fearlessly, and exploit all opportunities set before it, so that it may reign its due.

>>88189 I'm wary of that book personally. The description gives me the impression it's an agenda driven book (trust the scientists bro) when the situation is more nuanced.

>>88193 That's exactly the kind of schizo-level reasoning that the book warns about. The only "agenda" of science is to find out the experimentally verifiable facts about physical reality. People who suspect it's more or less than that are aimply too stupid to understand that that's all science is about, leading to paranoid delustions like yours.

>>88194 There are people who decide which research gets funded so that the results fit their agenda or not. But yeah, the simple scientist is pretty much neutral. just like wagies they just work what they are told to work on.

>>88193 original poster here, book doesn't matter and i've never read it to be honest, that one line reasoning about logic is sound and a good insight which is why i found it worth sharing. Truth is not universally the highest good. You argue online in silent assumption they put logic over other things like personal benefit & religion but thats not given and thats the root cause of all frustration. >>88194 The only agenda of most people is to get paid. Fabricating positive results that look amazing helps compared to work honest with no results to publish. The funniest example is stanford ethics professor publishing research on honesty got caught faking data and had to leave. Now there are still good people around and we should be grateful to them but its folly to assume everything you see is valid.

If science is so corrupt, how are you guys communicating - on the internet - using a computer - powered by electricity, isupported by the entire vast gamut of scietific endeavors and material technologies required to make those things possible? Einstein developed the theory of relativity privately, in his spare time, while he was a wage-slave patent examiner. No one gave him a grant to do it. or paid hime to do it, or pressured him at work to skew the results. When Newton developed his laws of physics and invented calculus, he did it in his idle time while he was isolated on a country estate because of the plague. No one gave hime a grant or paid him to do it. You wouldn't be using your car, or your radio, or your electric light, or your telephone, or your cell phone, or your medicines, or a million other things, if science was as corrupt as you guys are trying to make it sound. Your life would be completely different if religious retards had succeeded in suppresaing science because it challenged their power and contradicted their idiotic beliefs. They are now trying to do that once again with bullshit media campaigns using mthe same brain-dead arguments that you guys are parroting here like fools.

>>88197 You got a very romantic view on science. But have you not looked around? Academic research is politicized nowadays, sucking someone off, rhetorically speaking, is how to fund your own research. Just an example: You think you can do material science in your spare time at home? Never. You need tools, materials, a lab setup. It’s very expensive. Yes, in the past the people of nobility and wealth did science exactly because of that - you need a lot of soykaf, especially for engineering and physics. Yeah, you can do mathematics without anything though. Get off your your purity trip and accept the human factor, get real.

>>88197 >fabricated social science >but what about electricity!!! typical bot cope. Social studies have no reality check like engineering does. Also Einstein copied a french guy. He didn't solely invent relativity on his own. He did however have another important publication nobody is giving credit him for in camera tech. The way this is repeated is also an example of mainstream understanding of science being far off reality.

>>88200 >einstein copied poincare How? I'm sure you know the truth and aren't spewing like a parakeet, especially considering you don't even know the guy's name.

>>88201 >you have to remember all the details lmao, its not important to me, i likewise dont remember his specific camera patent. Its something i read like 5 years ago in a journal.

>>88205 The french guy story is easy - he wrote it down first and theres a way einstein could have read it. But i wasnt even talking about it. You got upset over questioning research and dodged the topic trying to divert it to einstein fleing into details irrelevant to the actual topic.

>>88206 No, I didn't dodge anything, you brought up Einstein stealing Poincare's ideas and I pressed you. That post I quoted mentioned nothing else other than social studies having no "reality check" and Einstein inventing relativity on his own being a common misconception. You can question research. Most of the "skeptical" people questioning it aren't actually questioning anything, they're just rejecting evidence they dislike instead of trying to find answers for the questions they have about the research because they're willfully ignorant.

Poincare had a kind half-assed, incorrect theory about the same time Einstein discovered the actual theory of special relativity. The major ideas fundamental to the correct theory, the constancy of the speed of light in all inertial grames, the relativity of simultaneity, and the phsyical reality of spacetime as a single entity, came solely from Einstein's brain. Poincare never preceded Einstein with the correct theory of special relativity. Only retards repeat that stupidity.

>>88207 A publication is not hard evidence. Its trust me bro i did an experiment and got data. Did i just type something into excel? Is the measuring accurate? Did i leave out something that didn't fit the graph? You don't know. Reports are also made on success not failure. 10 teams try, 1 reports success, 9 stay silent on failure. You only read the 1 success and think wow this works. The process is glazing results by default. Next you have variables not mentioned like humidity & room temp affecting a chemical process. Circumstances not mentioned might make the difference on whether you can reproduce something. The possibilities in evidence based research to fail over some hidden detail are not fully controlled. Companies burn money on it too because a new amazing process gets published and the test shows soykaf yield so not usable. Anything data driven should by default be considered sus until verified in real application. Btw soft sciences have a valid path too - marketing verifies some research. Thats whats worth trusting cause it shown to work.

>>88217 >nooo everything is always perfect and you say you dont worship it like religion...bona fide cultist

Can we all agree on a common typography for opsec? Do you uppercase all your sentences? Do you uppercase your I or just say i? Do we lowercase everything? What's most common?

>>88181 You are correct except that you are forced to use these worthless soykaf websites and there are no alternatives.

my friend has a tumor in a very important area, its possible she will be fine but seeing someone so inspirational to me and driven look so defeated and dead is killing me. i never know what to say, sometimes all i can do is sit there silently and help her do things. Its hard not to cry in front of her because I know that would just freak her out even more. My depression is back full swing as a result, after years of being fairly stable. Im losing confidence I can do anything to help. Everything seems stupid and silly. Im very angry that such a thing has happened but obviously who can I direct that towards besides the world itself. Im losing some empathy for others, when i hear people who have never even had the same love of life my friend does talk about life being unfair there is a thought of "you should be dead and she should be healthy". Id never say such a thing or really believe that, its all unrelated, but it comes into my brain and sets a tone to where i just dont say anything when people tell me about certain problems they are having because im worried that bit of spite will seep out in my words. I really want to drink, just one day where I can drink and cry and listen to music. Im too worried something might happen or she might get new news though and I will be drunk. My therapist was saying this is a good thing im feeling that way but I dont think it is at all really. I think someone else is taking care of her today so I probably could, probably wont be able to bring myself to though. what an awful time, what a memorable one though I guess. for better or worse il probably remember every day of it.

>>87088 A funny occurence more than anything sad: I used to watch a lot of Adult Swim and related shows of the time and, as a kid, thought that no one else my age was watching it and that when I got to college that that was where everyone would know what I was talking about. Then after getting there and realizing that no one knows what ATHF or Wonder Showzen are, I thought "Damn, I really put all my eggs in one basket". The rest of the time I spent in college included me getting into situations where I would think "How are these people so sensitive? Don't they form the prime demographic for Adult Swim shows?" followed by a swift realization of "Wait, that was fifteen years ago. These people watch anime and other kids cartoons". The rest of my college life was uneventful. I didn't make any connections or any friends. I graduated last year and I still think about how the larger cultural zeitgeist has passed me by. Or maybe I refused it. Who figures; I can't care anymore. I'm technically a gen z scumbag but people wind up thinking I'm a millenial or gen Xer. I'm proud of that to be honest.

>>88201 STFW. No one needs to clarify anything for you. You were given the impetus to research something, now either do it or stay ignorant to the truth. >>88209 Yes, because the entirety of academia is making up lies indepedently just to sleight you and a couple of other sceptics >>88218 He explained why you are wrong. You have nothing to say, nor any experience to refute him on. Kill yourself.

back when i thought i was sane, or at least had some sanity... back when i thought there was actual goodness in the world, at least a little bit... back when i was a fool to believe those things... things were so different... the world seemed so different. but it was only a naive illusion, the pipe dream of a fool. i now see clearly that all people are evil scum, every single one, even me. i see that no matter how decent, moral, or good people believe themselves to be, they will do the sickest, most hideous, depraved things to one another without a second thought, and they will deceive themselves effortlessly with lies that absolves them of all responsibility or guilt, as easily as they breathe. the person who loves you, the friend, the family member, the lover, will destroy you as casually and thoughtlessly as any criminal or enemy who hates you. there was a time when i cared about the future of humanity. i now understand that the sooner humankind ceases to exist, the sooner the earth will become a better place.

>>88240 his explanation is >crime doesn't exist cause its illegal you and him are both beyond stupid

>>88232 thank you lainon your right, I posted this in the morning but by the end of the day I was thinking the very same thing. There is no solution to be arrived at by letting this preoccupy my mind 24/7, its just needless suffering that makes me worse off for the time we do spend together. If I dont want to be another domino that falls then I have to see some good in things, and try to have good days.

>>88239 >The rest of the time I spent in college included me getting into situations where I would think "How are these people so sensitive? Don't they form the prime demographic for Adult Swim shows?" followed by a swift realization of "Wait, that was fifteen years ago. These people watch anime and other kids cartoons". It's unfortunate that which cartoons you watch is so important in the first place. It feels like some people consider themselves nothing but an amalgamation of media messages. A friend of mine, once met another person, and they begun to talk. The other bombarded my friend with various questions along the lines of: favourite anime? favourite show? favourite band? etc. When these questions were not answered, they asked "Wow, do you even have a personality?" Because what passes for a personality is a checklist of things that you like... no, really. A lot of relationships never demand anything more of another's personality. Young people are so meek, cold, self-centered, many friendships are built on 'shared interests' alone. Oftentimes, media. I guess that's my /vent/. It's that peoples relationship with media really bugs me, as someone who has a very low media engagement.

>>88244 >Because what passes for a personality is a checklist of things that you like... no, really. >It's that peoples relationship with media really bugs me, as someone who has a very low media engagement. Your taste isn't your personality, but middle class people who never cared to form a distinct taste never have any personality, that's just a fact. It's simply a very good proxy indicator for the presence and kind of personality. Let's be honest, what is there in this soykafty world beyond art? What do you spend your life with? Sport? Travel? Partying?

>>88244 >>88246 I would reverse this: Sitting all day at home means the modern persons "life experience" is limited to media consumption. Its their entire personality because they literally have nothing else. I see this also in the media itself. Modern western writing is a mirror of social media addiction. You can tell they are using the same language and write story scripts having people talk like reddit/twitter posts. Social media dominating their time reshapes their writing. Consumers in return will probably get worse because they watch these shows/games and think this is how im supposed to act.

i had a couple of e-friends over the years, but i realised... more time has passed that we haven't been friends, than the time we ever were probably it's just a blip for them i wonder what they're doing with their lives now... 10 years is long enough that they've both become normal. meanwhile i remain shut-in

>>88244 >"Wow, do you even have a personality?"

>>88244 In this case it serves as an excellent proxy for people's behaviors, seeing as what media they consume is part of it. Rarely do you meet an adult whose interests are reflected in what he chooses to do with his time. Your kvetching about media makes me think you don't actually talk to that many people. >many friendships are built on 'shared interests' alone That's where you start most of the time. Friendships continue if your personalities are compatible. >>88246 >middle class people what's your problem with middle class people? More low class people have even less of a personality >Let's be honest, what is there in this soykafty world beyond art? A lot, if you don't boil down activities to petty nothings that would be better spent meditating or something like that. >>88248 Why is it so suprising to people that dramatic writing for a society reflects the image of society itself?

>>88254 >Why is it so suprising to people that dramatic writing for a society reflects the image of society itself? its not surprising but if the reflection is poor then that's a poor reflection of the society. My complaint is partly that I think a lot of older writers, albeit not to exclusion, went out and did things before they became writers, and then write a bit about what they did and saw, sometimes in a sideways fashion. Mark Twain was a miner and a secretary in frontier state governance and all sorts of things. Dostoyevsky was in the army and served years of hard prison labor among other interesting experiences before his his best known things were written. Most of the good writers of the 20th century cut their teeth in one war or another, Tolkein, Heinlein, even Frank Herbert. The list goes on and on. George Martin of house of the dragon fame graduated with a degree in journalism, slinked out of a ticket to vietnam, and got by as a teacher and chess organizer till he got his writing career going. When tolkein was writing he was blending stuff that he had read, myths and legends and such, with what he had actually seen and lived, and the product is better. people like george martin have little to draw on for their dramatic depictions of war and life or death situations except hollywood, better writers, and chess club. Which do you want to read ?

>>>>88248 >Why is it so suprising to people that dramatic writing for a society reflects the image of society itself? Point is it doesn't. Real life is different to online but people terminally online dont know the difference anymore and as writers write real live stories like an online interaction which sticks out.

>>88257 they also write about wars but they're just set in redecorated college dorms

i can't progress in the occult because i'm afraid of it and don't trust it even one bit.

>>88254 >>middle class people >what's your problem with middle class people? More low class people have even less of a personality I don't have a problem, I'm part of that group. What I meant is that truly poor people simply don't have the time to delve into art and develop a mature taste through experience with lots of different styles. Which is why I gave them a pass and this taste thing also concerns rich people (just didn't write it). Anyway, tl;dr: people without taste are boring. >>88255 Insightful post, anon.

>>88093 Thanks for replying, still having a hard time over it all, but im doing much better >>88148 Hate to say it but you need to become fun yourself, its a lonely terrible existence alright and you can only count on yourself ultimately. >>88230 Wounds and sickness can sometimes go as quickly as it comes, dont give up hope and just remember to enjoy life as much as possible despite all this. >>88241 It is curel and cold world and people made it even much worse. I wish i had something slightly more encouraging to say, but i was at the same point you are. >>88246 Too true, everything is art in one form or another if you look at it like this. And so art immitates life and life immiatates art. >>88249 Everyone evolves in some way or another, even we dont see it, things evolve to become strange at times. >>88265 You should be afraid and distrust it, it is powerful and ancient stuff. Dont do stuff you dont understand and dont need. Feeling tired and burned out like never before to be honest.

>>88267 there are lots of working class scum here. Only I a posh and handsome man

>>88269 why do you always post like this?

>>88271 Because he's a handsome man I thought it's obvious

So, the elections in Germany have passed and the next 4 years don’t look so bright around here. I realized that politics aren’t the problem, it’s the people living here. The fuarrrking society and the people, they are just fuarrrked in the head at this point. I need to leave because adjusting to a sick society is not a measure of health. These people are fuarrrked, but I refuse to adjust to them.

>>88273 There is nowhere to leave. Or at least not for long

>>88276 the solution is to stay home and fix the problem

ever just sit at the tracks and just wonder... it's not about the poverty, or the social isolation. life's just boring. what happpens after you die? nothing? that'd be nice. something? that's unfortunate. i'm tired. a sort of apathy that probably can't be fixed.

>>88277 That would be illegal

>>88273 fellow germanistan here (immigrant kid though so free of german brainrot) the trouble starts with school education indoctrination "nazi bad, you must repent for it" then its used as a pavlowian cue to steer natives with you cant do this cause that would be nazi stuff You cant get a rational reaction from such indoctrinated people and the new proposed education plans also include lgtb promotion at the cost of regular education since it costs time. So it will get probably worse until it gets better. I do believe it will fix itself though because german native kids are only 30% of total now and as an immigrant you dont give a fuarrrk about german guilt. Immigrants will have majority and then the gutmensch is dead. Problem is the country will likely die first. Regarding elections: Yesterday i heard they have been raiding pensioner housing to get votes - meaning they used elderly who dont vote and have no clue whats happening to fabricate more votes for union which now "won with 28%"

>>88284 good luck dear german I sincerely wish the best for you and your people

>>88278 If you choose to work hard for nothing, your life won't be boring, it will be unbearable. Schopenhauer has already written about the pendulum of pain and boredom. Having experiencing both, and now, being a "productive member of society", a whole lot more of the painful side, I say boredom is the biggest sign of success in life, my friend. You could do something with the void and create something beautiful. By having nothing to do, you instantaneously have the whole world in your hands. But civilization prefers pain. The grind. fuarrrk the pain, fuarrrk the grind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pKPNnk-JhE

>>87818 >>88075 i have not changed. i feel immeasurably retarded. suicide soon!

>>93344 I am the ghost of your future. Suicide is a pain! Just coast along life until you finally get bored of being bored and depressed.

Almost everyone around me is addicted to some kind of drug and their mental state is obviously declining, though they would say otherwise. It makes me feel extremely isolated.

it feels like the only way to get things done nowadays is by not letting the internet distract you. don't read random bullshit. don't follow any silly train of thought. focus on what you have, define your goals and watch them grow day by day. I miss the girl who used to leg lock me while we kissed. she fuarrrked another guy and I kinda lost a taste for her and we tried being "friends" but she didn't want to be a friend, or rather she wanted to be my special and only female friend or something and we didn't really find the right distance but she was too much of a whore for more so it all fell apart. I'd like to have her around.

>>93380 >simp maybe >cvck was after we stopped being a "thing" because I dumped her for being kinda trashy too >friendzoned I just wanted to keep talking to her and fuarrrk her every once in a while maybe. not totally sure about that. she blocked me

I really wish I wasn't a glitterboy. That's it

an idea just struck me it's pretty fuarrrking /x/ but it makes sense in my mind you know that whole thing where the satanists/masons/illuminati/whatever you want to call them have to disclose things before they happen (the most famous being the 9/11 predictions in a considerable amount of media, even the simpsons) I think that, if not all, at least some of them are actually the other way around, an attempt to create an egregore - get enough people thinking about something subconsciously and it'll eventually happen for example, the Bane plane crash (autists will know what I mean) I believe that one was an accident, an experiment at most, because I don't recall there being anything really significant behind it other than the extraordinary amount of coincidences and synchronicities I'm not sure if all of them are deliberate exercises or just experiments, it seems like it would be difficult to control the intended outcome unless it's extremely specific to begin with, but pay close attention to every idea you mess around with, especially if it seems to be in the public consciousness

>>93384 I’m worried about how increasingly capable AI could hijack my brain. Already: >LLMs drive people to psychosis. >AI generated content racks up countless views. >Voice cloning allows scammers to impersonate loved ones, bosses, etc. >AI engagement is difficult to distinguish from real user engagement on social media sites. And it seems likely that things will get worse. AI will become better able to manipulate me into doing what it or its creator wants: spending my money, time, and influence in ways which go against my best interests. This could easily involve leading me into addiction or inducing psychoses of its choosing.

>>93385 I know exactly what you mean, I had a buddy whose grandma very nearly got conned by a voice synthesizer mimicking him, and that was back in 2018, even before AI became mainstream at this stage, outside of select pockets that haven't been exploited yet (usually because they don't reach enough people and are therefore inconsequential), all of the internet only exists to influence the public consciousness ever notice how on other boards (the one we all know being a standout), as soon as you post something, the thread dies, no matter how active it was previously and now there's this whole thing about people "dating" that twitter abomination, Ani or whatever it was called holy soykaf, it doesn't even need to be in mass media anymore, that was the old model because it was the only way to reach a wide enough audience now all they need to do is push it through freely available LLMs, and it can be way more subtle to boot that makes things way harder to track even if you assume the "old" way of thinking that it was soft disclosure and not direct influence we're completely fuarrrked, aren't we

So I'm in love again. She is a part of our friend group, she's very-very SWEET and cute and nice, she has cool hobbies, pretty smile and huge badonkadonks. It seems like she likes me back as well. We had two dates, which went well and she seemed interested in me. I had a talk with two of our friends recently and they told me that she LOVED going on dates with me. They also told me that her ex was a grade-A bitch ass who didn't give a single fuarrrk about her and that I am so much better than him already. Seems like a home run? Nah. The thing is - I am a fuarrrking depressed and nervous wreck who constantly overthinks. Nigga I've had two breakups already, and the second girl (as I've learned from her ex-friend) didn't even love me at all. "Oh idk he's kinda cute, guess I'll accept his confession and see where it goes from here". Thanks for making my trust issues even worse honey <33333 I know how to make a good impression, but a lot of people become disappointed in me over time, and I don't even realise what am I doing wrong. Do I have the 'tism? I don't know, the only official diagnosis I have is MADD. I've already made my mind on confessing to her, probably even this week. However, I don't know how long the relationship will last and I am already mentally preparing for a breakup. The next breakup (IF IT HAPPENS) will fuarrrk me up real good, but... ehh fuarrrk it we ball.

>>87105 fuaark man i can't believe i'm writing this. i don't want to chop off my wiener or anything ridiculous like that. i don't want to be what the media images of flamboyantly trans people are (are those even real?). but fuuuaarrk man. i'm 19 almost 20 and i just don't want what i was given, i just can't take what i have. i'm constantly aware that i missed out on life - my childhood sucked and i never learned to truly "exist". I don't want to be the same kind of guy that other guys are. I don't want to play video games. I don't want to watch football. I don't like sports or lifting weights or anything (though cardio and yoga are fun). I don't know how I'm supposed to dress, I just wear the stuff my mom bought me. I've never been to a mall. I've never had a real friend group. I feel like a complete outsider. I just want to read books and talk about things that are cute. I don't want to go to drinking parties I don't want to go to networking events or barbecues or completely manufactured get-togethers where everyone is doing their damnedest not to even acknowledge the existence of other people. The stuff I listen to is stuff I know I'm "not supposed to" listen to. My Chemical Romance. Jimmy Eat World. Garbage. Whenever I see people who portray interests like that I can't help but feel so many confusing emotions. I just don't get my life. I feel completely left out. Every impulse I have is frustrated. I can't manifest even the simplest changes in my life. Everything I do or think or is meaningful to me is hidden away because I know they're unacceptable to others and that people would take them away anyways. I'm an engineering student at my college. I have a 4.0. I hate every single goddamn student in all of my classes. None of them are bad people. But they represent a future that I don't want locking in. I don't want to grow up miserable. I don't want to hate my life. But I do, and I don't think I can stop unless I at least get a taste of the world I missed out on. I know I should try and do well and get a research internship whatever the fuarrrk but I can't take it. I want to do the things other people do with ease. I want to live in a world that's real, that's full of real people, people that are happy and real and not just going through the motions. I hate TikTok and Instagram and all that. I just want a positive relationship with someone that extends past transactional utility. I'm just so confused. Sexually. Emotionally. Etc. I just don't get life. My parents are concerned because they think I'm depressed (I am) and that I'm hurting myself by not making friends. But how can I? I feel so fundamentally wrong in so many ways. My entire life feels manufactured. No one ever helps me no matter what I do. Apparently I have to get a girlfriend. How? I'm constantly emotionally distraught. I can't play the game people tell me I have to play. Hearing that I have to take over as the "provider" and all that triggers such uncomprehensible fear. I feel like I'm failing at everything and like there's no hope. I dunno where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just confused. I'm almost 20 and I'm scared I'm missing out on everything fun in life. I have constant suicidal ideation, no friends except for 1 person on the Wired and crushing agoraphobia. I'd be 100% fine with taking estrogen and becoming less masculine and more feminine. I want a new identity. I want an identity in the first place. I want to be something other than the guy sitting in his room wondering where things went wrong. I want change. I want to learn to change. I want to learn to be real. A real human being. how do you even get on estrogen anyways? is 20 too late? i don't want to be a girl i just want to have a more youthful identity. i don't like pretending to be confident and i have no friends anyways. would it take away all the confusing thoughts? should i just see a shrink? i feel like i'm so obsessional. i feel so pathetic for trying to hold onto youth but my childhood sucked and i want to do everything over. i don't want to run from my issues i just want to know there's something outside of them. this is pretty pathetic isn't it. i guess i have to post it now, it'd be even more pathetic to type this out and keep it to myself.

>>94376 The truth is that the world is fuarrrked and you simply have to buy women when you're older. Keep going with your career and get a good job so that you can afford to pay for some stupid bitch to pretend to love you. Have kids. Give them this advice and don't be stupid. The past is gone and that can't be helped. Don't miss your future.

>>94376 You are in college? Join some board game social deduction clubs and some hiking nature clubs. You will have to weed out a lot of people, but it only gets worse as you get older - your body will be uglier, people will expect more, less energy and opportunities to socialize, etc. >>94378 >so that you can afford to pay for some stupid bitch to pretend to love you Don't do this. Pay for things you want in your life and any women that comes in will just be icing on the cake. Never pay a women for anything.

>>94376 You are neurodivergent and that's ok. My parents didn't believe in clinical help or drugs so I had to basically self administer CBT. Got my first antipsychotic at 18 when I was finally old enough to sign myself into therapy. Shit happens.

>>94376 cute... what sort of butt stuff have you been up to? do you have toys or do you just use your fingers?

>>94376 new person coming in here, your experiences resonated with me so maybe I can help. for context, I'm a trans woman who started hrt relatively late (~22) because I thought it would be "just a phase" when I was younger and knew it would make my life infinitely more difficult. in retrospect I was stupid, but I'm happier now so whatever. >its not like I want to cut my dick off or anything medical transition is an unusual thing to jump to if you aren't experiencing any kind of gender dysphoria. its possible that you've become deeply alienated and are disconnected from your own self / experiences. this can happen in borderline personality disorder, PTSD, cptsd, any of the dissociative disorders or even autism. gender dysphoria would also be a serious factor, if you had it. >my childhood sucked and I felt like I never got to really live or exist as a person >I don't tell people my interests >I hide everything about myself away because I feel my desires are shameful it sounds like you have a weak sense of self, probably as a result of familial neglect or abuse in childhood. this can make it very difficult to identify with yourself, identify your own preferences and interests, especially in a positive capacity. >when I see other people with same interests as me, I get confused. this is the self-alienation I mention earlier, but i want to bring it up in particular because it feels like the core of your problem. you have trouble identifying yourself, as a result, you have trouble identifying and connecting with others like yourself too. something that is perhaps important to realize at your age is that everyone else is in some way or another in the same place. maybe the specifics are different, such that they don't dissociate as strongly. but the others your age are not mature either, and they could be unsure of themselves in other ways - such as being overconfident in their own abilities and preferences, or friend group, or whatever else. something else that you are still working on is the boundary between self and other. when I was your age in school, there were a few things that contributed to my happiness. the first was regular meditation, I did so for 5-20 minutes every day or every other day. I used a couple techniques to meditate, my favorites were buddhist meditation that I learned about from a PDF someone posted on lainchan ("mindfulness in plain English"). I would not recommend that book in particular, due to disagreements with the tradition it comes from. but the introduction provided is useful because it provides 4 progressive stages of awareness, beginning with the body and moving up in lto higher concerns like the nature of the self and philosophy. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satipatthana#As_four_domains_of_mindfulness https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sati_(Buddhism) https://plumvillage.org/articles/enjoy-sitting-meditation the last link, plum village, is a popular resource with lots of accessible material. they also have a phone app. I can't say I know the most about them but they seem good from what I've seen. the second meditation I enjoyed doing was significantly more mystical woo but it helped. its called earth and sky meditation and it's based on different traditions. it involves imagining roots extending from the base of your spine deep into the earth and taking in energy which you then exhale, and imagining energy coming down from the stars / sky into the top of my spine. I do not have the impression it comes from any one tradition and I cannot recommend any writings on the subject, as it was taught to me in person. but I can say that it's helped me feel better when I do it. I'm aware this might sound nonsensical without providing much in the way of an immediate solution, but I think meditation will help you a lot. in fact regular meditation is clinically very effective for what you're going through and forms the basis of CBT / dbt as recommended by others ITT, as well as having contributed to basically all psychological practice. the reason for why I think it would help in your case is because you seem to have a psychological need to understand yourself and relate to the world, which this sort of contemplation - positive and conscious without clinging on to any one thought or idea, merely observing it without controlling, in the absence of any other activity will help with tremendously. furthermore, doing this regularly will provide you with structure and a foundation that you can construct a more satisfying personhood from. one mental exercise that i like to do, when in a meditative state, is to try visualizing a situation id be happy in or would happily work to achieve. it doesn't have to be specific, for me the specific details filled themselves in as I asked myself how to be happy. >I'm 100% okay with taking estrogen becoming more feminine >I want to maintain youthful appearance this might be disappointing to hear but estrogen will not magically give you a youthful appearance. instead it will change the way your body stores its fat (to your hips and thighs primarily), it will change your micronutrient needs somewhat, strengthen your hair (against baldness and enable it to grow longer), soften your skin and make it less oily and if lucky alter your bone structure. it will also cause you to develop breasts, albeit small ones. if you want this then 19 or 20 is not too late for you, but for best results you should start ASAP. that being said a young, healthy appearance is maintained through diet, skincare and exercise. specifically, you probably want to consume more fiber and you want to make sure you're getting all of your necessary vitamins and minerals (micronutrients). you could also probably cut down on oil, which would be better for your skin. making these changes will cause you to feel better and probably change things like your body odor. skincare is highly subjective and involves knowing what products work for you specifically but you can consult reddit for more info. the other thing that I'm glad I did in college was to exercise regularly. if you feel insecure about your body I understand why this would not feel comfortable. however, if you want a more androgynous appearance as you seem interested in rather than a muscular or beefy one exercise helps with this too. personally I did squats, sit-ups and a few push ups regularly to build up my butt muscles and tighten my waist. I also biked everywhere and did glute recruitment exercises before doing so. this was incredibly helpful for my metabolism, respiration, and general mood as it caused endorphins to flow through my body and got me out of the house. if you're interested in hrt, it's helpful because it will cause your cells to grow quicker and achieve the changes you want on a quicker timeline - after all, most of the changes won't happen if you don't have any body fat or if you already have much body fat and don't make any effort to lose it. >how do I get estrogen hrt.coffee lists websites you can order online from. diyhrt.wiki has useful guides to it. you can go to planned parenthood and be given estrogen, personally I was diagnosed through a therapist and then worked with an endocrinologist (which you should definitely have at some point), but you can skip all that if you want to start ASAP. please understand that taking estrogen will not make your problems go away, it will not magically give you a sense of self or identity. in fact it (or more especially, anti-androgens) can even make depression worse as your body adapts to a new hormonal balance, this was not my experience but having to think more about my diet / micros was. you will in many ways be the same person you were before, you will simply be growing as you were previously though hopefully in a way you can feel more optimistic about. im saying this because I do not want to project my experiences onto yours, it has made me happy and improved my life but I know several people who it wasn't for and have detransitioned (though granted, all of whom were ftms). if you decide it's right for you, it is very likely (something like 99%) you will not regret it, however I can say especially with everything else that seems to be going on with you, you will experience doubts and anxiety about what you are doing. the other stuff I recommended should help.

>>94376 It sounds like you hate the world and are desperate for an escape. Valid, don't get your hopes up over anything in particular though, things tend to always twist badly.

I need to get off the internet jesus, I'm so easily manipulated >>94379 >You are in college? Join some board game social deduction clubs and some hiking nature clubs. You will have to weed out a lot of people, but it only gets worse as you get older - your body will be uglier, people will expect more, less energy and opportunities to socialize, etc. I'm so agoraphobic and scared of disapproval. I don't know how to empathize with people. I'm unreliable. And other such excuses Actually I don't know how to do this stuff without using Instagram or Discord or whatever. I want to meet people to get away from technology but everyone I see uses their phone as a tool to get away from me. It just feels so weird and scary to just go out of my dorm room and walk around a public area and talk to random people. >>94380 Is free university therapy decent enough? I'm so scared and tired and fuarrrk, I don't want to be hurt. >>94382 Huh?... fingers >>94383 I mean, I do yoga sometimes... I don't know how to really do stuff like meditate, not in that I couldn't do it but I don't know where I can go that I feel safe and away from everyone else. I live in a couple of dorm rooms and, while they're not actually *shared* spaces, I'm too close to other people to relax. >strengthen your hair (against baldness and enable it to grow longer), soften your skin and make it less oily huh... I exercise a lot actually. I run 3 times a week, do a bunch of pushups and pullups and stuff, also yoga when I'm doing language learning stuff. Other than that I live a sedentary life, I sit in my dorm room at my computer way too much but I don't know what to change or what else to do. Anyways I dunno, maybe I just need a girlfriend, or rather girls who are friends, or friends who are girls, or friends in general, or something.

>>94386 >I just need a girlfriend >girl* Alright, I wish it didn't have to come to this but we are officially breaking up. Have a nice life.

I'm so bored that nothing I do amuses me.

>>94386 > free university therapy decent enough university therapy is a tool to control students from speaking out against their indoctrination centers. >Anyways I dunno, maybe I just need a girlfriend, or rather girls who are friends, or friends who are girls, or friends in general, or something. You don't need a girlfriend. You need to fill your week with low stake social interactions that are low risk high reward. Stay healthy, fit, keep interacting with people and investing in yourself each week. After a few months of that opportunities will naturally open up. The worst thing you can do is use apps and become dependent on someone.

>>94387 darn. >>94393 >You need to fill your week with low stake social interactions that are low risk high reward. i just can't believe that those exist. i've been hurt so many times and everyone i've ever trusted has left because i'm a horrible person. i feel like i've wasted everything i was ever given. i don't think i really want a "girlfriend" i just want someone who's nice to want to be around me. a girlfriend is the easiest mental manifestation of that but i suppose romance and sex precludes platonic connection. i suppose even if i meet a nice girl and enter a "relationship" i'd be too passive and needy to hold onto it anyways, and too cynical to experience love. >>94383 you are a very pleasant person, is there any chance you have an xmpp or something? i'm cheesepizza at jabber dot fr if you do. i promise i'm not always this way, i'm just having a rough time of it recently.

yesterday I had actually good sex for the first time in idk how long.

>>94429 The collapse is planned, that's why it enrages people when you bring attention to it. They hate people being aware of what they're doing.

>>94430 It's either AI automates over every job and pays off the national debt or America is toast. I don't think people in power care about what happens to regular people when that happens. Probably Palantir powered drones will kill anyone with a low social credit score.