What is the reason you haven't killed yourself?

For me its not having the 'stuff' available to me.

It must suck living in a place without gravity, water, and sharp objects. No wonder you’re depressed.

>>86417 > What is the reason you haven't killed yourself? can't be bothered, too much work

>>86418 ngl i would like to live in t h e v o i d

It is a privilege to be alive.

I feel hopeless but keep feeling too uncertain my chances. Also haven't decided if I should try to send parting words to someone. Also I wanted to try to do some good for others before I go since i want to leave things better off for others.

Only because i'm too cowardly to do it, and thinking about the things i might miss, other than that i have mostly no reason

https://twowitnessesofrevelation.com/blog/f/two-witnesses-ultimate-prophecy-compilation-new-website-design Because the biggest prophecy shall soon be fulfilled according to the will of God. Also, have a look at this. https://twowitnessesofrevelation.com/blog/f/1946-the-third-babylonian-invasion---witness-1 Familiar theme to you lainons, isn't it?

>>86446 Don’t lose hope, Trump is the Antichrist, but their evil plan to manipulate time will eventually fail. Even if it is bleak now, there is a bright golden field waiting for you. https://twowitnessesofrevelation.com/testimonies https://www.docdroid.net/R6I5wtJ/the-more-rational-worldview-pdf

i've dreamt of lifelong torment; crude and unfeeling mutilation of body, mind and soul – and there's still no thing that feels as anguishing as nothing

i stopped caring and started treating life as entertainment, like a movie you'd watch out of boredom and curiosity despair is kinda gay also

>>86530 basically i stopped taking things seriously, that's what i mean. and hey, life can be cool sometimes, and it's an advantage to have it also. most of the "issues" you tend to dream up can be fixed while still continuing to be alive. my suicidal tendencies tends to be born from a distorted and restricted perspective of the world. in my belief system the biggest difference between being alive vs being dead is that in death you don't have a body anymore. having a body is kinda cool, you can run and wear cool clothes and do fun soykaf. also in my belief system there are these little bitchass negative entities that whisper bullshit into your mind and who, very often, would be absolutely delighted if you killed yourself. these things are beneath your notice, so don't give them the time of your day... and that's how i beat depression...

>>86531 Based entity-pilled anon. Those buggers will pretend to be all sorts of things... demons, god, or whatever but are 99% of the time usually just being "you". They're not necessarily bad, but they get caught up in particular identities (such as what religion provides) or idiosyncratic behaviors. If it tries to subvert the host's will too much it can lead to various mental disorders -- which goes in hand with subversion that it's typically not from a healthy motivation. Extrapolating my experiences, everybody has at least one dominant sub-psyche "entity" that presents itself at a very early age and mostly integrates beyond that. Then there's a ton of fly by entities that even for those consciously aware will almost always go unnoticed, or at times stay for a reason such as a particular drug use. As far as I can tell most "magick" and mystic experience is mediated by them, including dreams to some extent. They absolutely do have a mind of their own, and with it their own abilities and experiences, but are also "you". Hello, mocking incredulity, I expected you. t. Me who had a "demon" try to destroy my mind and life, but I go deconstructed its every move, amoilerated its oppressive influence, and made it ethical and civilized to become my grill ghost bestie. (though, she'll still lie her ass off if asked about her own past or being. But since when did they not? Choose your mystical framework these entities will lean into it 100% of the time (lmao when you don't believe anything just consider)) To the point of the thread: everybody unironically do couple's therapy with themselves.

I really don't know. Best friend did it last year. I miss him but I look back at our final conversations and I can't invalidate any of his feelings. I have friends but they'd all have such better lives without me. No one talks to me unless I reach out to them. If I didn't message anyone for a month everyone would forget me anyway. I have one friend I think would be sad but I think his life would have been better if he didn't know me. I thought I worked really hard but things that took me years I think anyone can learn in a couple weeks now. Why did it take me 1.5 years of studying every night to learn Ansible? Anyone else can do that in 2 weeks. I applied to about 3800 jobs in the last 5 or 6 years but I never got a job. Everyone I know is very successful and gotten multiple jobs. I am barely keeping it together. I wrote lots of posts to help people. It might be over for me soon though. I really have nothing left to live for. Everyone would be better off without me.

I quite like being alive, you know. Plus, I'm quite busy. Lotta stuff I want to get done before I've gotta fuarrrk off for good.

I don't enjoy being alive but it feels like a waste to kill myself out of avoidance. I still kill myself slowly with drugs etc but if I go through with a suicide it'll be out of deep and total despair.

1. I'm too religious. 2. Suicide feels ostentatious. Even when you're dead you'll be a burden on others: forcing them to mourn you, clean up after you, bury you etc.

>>86537 actually what should i do? i've got one that's still showing up at night from time to time haunting me, but i keep denying it. i worry that something irreversible and bad might happen if i let it 'in'. there are bad stories going around of people being ruined by that, by the paranormal and those things. that's what's so annoying with the occult/paranormal/whatever, is that you just don't know.

>>86538 urban life is giving you tunnel vision.

I just don't feel like it ------....-----.....------.......------.....----

>>86417 there are a million voices in my head, and the one telling me to kill myself is a real asshole. i dont like him, and i dont like being told what i should or shouldn't do. i'm too angry to think about killing myself long enough to commit to it.

i might live to discover/develop more reasons to live than the ones i have. i am afraid of death more than i want to die, i tested this by climbing a crane once and whatever urge i had to die vanished about halfway up that thing as the ladder shook with each rung i climbed. i know that i personally would regret suicide. many jumpers report feelings of regret in the moments before striking ground/water. 9/10 survivors don't attempt suicide again.

>>86548 My opinion is that 99% of the info out there in religious and occult texts are simultaneously two things: a framework on how to approach one's own naive psyche, and a compatible (but literally false) paradigm for which to interact with spirit. The downside to the latter is that, in a situation where you're already aware of a spiritual influence it will bring you closer to the phenomena. If it happens to be negative that will bring more negative with it as it will conform to whatever ellicits the most reaction. These spirits are, by nature of their condition, in no spot to have clear communication with you to say outright what they want as our natural awareness and immediate conception of what our consciousness is are so far removed from its own, so acting out in a way that confronts us with our weaknesses is their primary modus operandi. Like the metaphors presented in dreams, the insufficiency or otherwise we may not be aware or hold on to ourselves so it may seem cryptic but is nevertheless acknowledgeable with enough reflection. The entity, while not being of our material consciousness can be treated as a feedback from our very intimate self all the same. Self reflect on your own peripheral anxieties and insecurities, using the phenomena as the cryptic liminal hint that it is. The bogeyman demands attention, but is something to be conquered by maturity, not by running away or confronting it. Self reflect in dialogue with yourself, come face to face with your insecurities and find way to rectify what you can. Even so, accept while your true will may be imperfect, that you are still the sum of your best and most authentic effort, just the same as anybody else. We need not take on the weight of the world all at once, but only our own, one step at a time.

>>86557 >it will conform to whatever ellicits the most reaction interesting! i did have a hunch that it may have been a personal manifestation. but still i have no fuarrrking clue. that's as far as i got. even though of course i read the entirety of your reply.

>>86559 ...i just let it in i felt woozy for a while. almost drunk. perhaps i'm just sleepy? having trouble typing right. lots of knocks. how do i know if i fuarrrked up

>>86608 There is no "letting it in" lmao it's just a narrative for the psychosomatic responses you're getting. There is no line to cross, it's just a spectrum for the activity and it's substantiated by interest. Just because it's not you doesn't mean it isn't a part of you, activity or not; a thoughtform in practice.

>>86613 i had something similar happen many months ago but instead it was again a progressive cloud of knocks and some invisible something came out the wall (no idea how i knew this) and i started feeling awful, i can only guess i was getting energetically drained. this night it somewhat feels like it was the opposite, as if it was blowing me up with energy and the overflow made me floaty and weird. i don't know dude, right now i'm pessimistically waiting for my tower moment or tragedy to strike somehow for who knows what reason from who knows what mechanism

>>86618 You'll be fine. Your original posts you actually displayed a good temperament to hold. I'll hold off on the replies for a while since it's not much help continuing on... it's nothing personal I just think that would be for the best. I'll be lurking so I'll say hi again eventually if you need it.

>>86417 Everyday I'm hoping that I manage to somehow salvage the situation and make my life more tolerable. I have only 2 reasons why I haven't killed myself. First is my family (parents and sister), they would get upset and that's understandable. Second, I think that I'm property of God and I think that everyone has agreed to be born into their life. I mean that everyone has agreed the circumstances and major "themes" of their life before they were born. Also, there isn't a single proof that my hardships will end if I kill myself. I personally wouldn't take that risk. I don't think that by losing my physical body improves my life (just like I don't think that becoming homeless would improve my life in any way). I don't think I will ever become happy but some form of ataraxia will be possible for me?

>>86621 > some form of ataraxia will be possible for me? yes you get that with hard work.

Promised myself I'd go to 35. 30 now, never held a woman's hand, have to go to bed each night wondering what it feels like to hold someone in my arms. Touch starvation and depression are killing me but oh well, at least I'll maintain an iron will within a steel body 'till the end.

cant eat sushi or burritos if im dead

>>86417 I'm really down today, seeing sharp objects makes me want to press them into my stomach. But back on topic, the reason I haven't killed myself: One night I thought about this for a long time, and I promised myself, that before I kill myself, I would totally change my life, throw away everything that cause me stress and unhappiness and just fuarrrk off to the other side of the world (both literally and figuraltively) and go do something entirely different with my life. If I still feel like dying, then I will end it. Thus far I have not mustered up the courage to totally change my life, so I guess I can't quite justify ending it either. I might be becoming delusionally optimistic, but indulge my story for a second. I have a friend who has a deaf cat, they keep this cat inside (usually on the 2nd floor of their house) for its safety. The cat routinely tries to escape whenever the door to the stairs are open. Now what is striking to me, they have a balcony, the cat is frequently on this balcony looking down at the outside world, but it never takes the jump into the freedom it so desires, even though there are multiple small safe jumps from the balcony. Sometimes I wonder if I am not just like that cat. Just a little leap away from escaping my unhappiness, but I just don't see the obvious solution right in front of my eyes. I suppose at least some part of the reason I live on is to see if I don't accidentally stumble upon the obvious solution. Until then, the drastic change promise is my insurance policy. Sometimes I'm happy too, but those memories seem so minor now. I don't think that they are actually worth living for. At least not with the suffering I endure. Sorry if the paragraphs are disjointed, my brain doesn't work.

>>86417 Sertraline + naltrexone + therapy

>>86686 Life is not supposed to be happy. Unhappiness is the norm. Looking for food for 8 hours, to get to eat once for a few minutes. Don't think being unhappy is a bad or abnormal thing. Just think about what you can struggle for..

>>86677 When I was around 18-22 y/o, I promised myself to kill myself when I turn 30, if my life doesn't change. Turned 31 last November, and I'm in the best shape of my life. I still think everything's fuarrrked, but I learned to not give a soykaf as much. I was in two relationships since then, both from Tinder, I learned a soykafton and I also learned what I don't want in my life. Finding a girl is a numbers game, I settled for sub-par bitches and I got relationships out of it, but they weren't satisfying for me, although I grew as a person from having them. I'm more content being alone now, but I'm not sad, because I know what it feels like being with a woman, and it's a lot of work to keep it up.

>>86724 Yes, but if you've never experienced it, it can really take over your life. I think everyone should be in a relationship once, before they decide if it's for them. Grass is greener on the other side etc.

>>86725 i did, i had relationships with at least 1 woman for every race, they are all shallow ,cringe and suck.

>>86727 Damn, I only ever met girls from my race, but I live in bumfuck nowhere. Don't dwell on it bro.

>>86728 i dont, i am grinding alternative direct stem cell derivatives on aderall 30 hours in <3

>>86729 What are alternative direct stem cell derivatives??? I love adderall and I've spent way too much of my life sped up on amphetamines to count. fuarrrk yeah man. fuarrrk I haven't posted on imgboards in a while, I wish I had my reactions folder with me. You post some fine images sir.

>>86730 >alternative direct stem cell derivatives basically turning male stem cells into oocytes.With that you can clone yourself or have a zygote made from 2 males. >I love adderall i make my own aderall btw

>go out to walk my dog >pass in front of a house >sick guitar solo obviously coming from speakers >look through the gate >a young man is in his backyard, sitting, leaning against a pillar, playing along with his white bass >"I want to be able to do that someday" That's most of what keeps me away from suicide, wanting to experience things. Wanting to have my own home, to take a extended vacation on another country, being recognized for some work. I still feel that I'm going to find a way to get myself killed before I'm 30, but it all depends on how fast I'm able to check off things on my bucket list. And I'm fully aware that I could that I'm possibly being exploited, so I keep working as a cog, but I honestly don't mind it that much. So what that we live in a simulation? We can never escape, and I can't do anything about it, so I don't bother.

>>86731 >i make my own aderall btw Share recipe pls

>>86733 i could do it but i will rob you the joy of learning organic chemistry.

>>86735 I'm not the guy you replied to. Chemistry always boggled my mind. With engineering and physics you can always just throw more math, materials and trial-and-error your way through the solution, but how the hell would someone make a chemical compound? Assuming you already know what you want to end up with, you just assemble some chemicals, go through a pre-documented list of chemical reactions until your base gains/looses enough molecules to end up with the material you wanted?

>>86736 the biggest problem beyond getting killed with trial&error is purity because compounds don't react 100%. So not only do you have to get the end result, you have to create a process where none of the middle stages create something toxic you cant filter out. This goal is also commonly failed by industry. They just say okay its harmful but its not that bad and customer wont notice so good enough for selling.

>>86736 you use chemical reactions as functions and molecules as input and output and with that you create an procedure to achieve the compound. it is that simple >>86737 thats why you need to get prescriptions from a good pharma(european in my case) and with a sample you can compare it and measure the similarity.

>>86738 I imagined something along those lines (foggy memory from watching Dr. Stone), but I didnt think it would be that "simple". I guess the process its complicated enough in its own right to not warrant anything else. Well, off to get a pet rat or stray dog to do tests, and get a pill from someone with a prescription for comparisson... btw, I doubt making a comparisson under a microscope with clear out anything, so I guess I should find a common reagent check if the pure stuff and diy stuff react the same, correct?

>>86740 i use a spectrograph , much more practical

>>86741 Thanks for the help Ranni. Expect a thread in the incoming months... after I get some more meager projects out of the way. One more reason to not kill myself

>>86742 i only take small amounts to get results long term. ALWAYS STAY UNDER THE PRESCRIPTION DOSES. dont hurt yourself , you might want to stay alive in case the male revolution becomes a success.

>>86741 Do you have a home solution for Chirality? Heard from a doc a lot of the vitamin supplements are worthless because they fabricate largely wrong configuration. Didnt get to figuring it out yet but research publications show its a massive topic even if you hear nothing about it in public.

>>86554 Just think critically for a moment. Most suicides are regretted during the act? Yea, lets ask the dead guy. 9/10 wouldnt do it again? Yea, maybe because his fuarrrking legs are broken. Kind of hard to jump over railings again in a whelchair. The trauma of surviving and the constanr surveillance after, not to mention the drugs youre forced to take... yea, what else are they fuarrrking meant to say. almost like those statements come from a coercied environment, where if you still admited to being suicidal youll be locked in a psychward. also, lets ignore the fact that historic suicide attempts dramatically increases the liklihood that their death would be a suicide. but yea, trust me bro, ppl regret suicide

>>86748 It makes sense though, if you think about how it happens, most of the time it is an impulsive decision driven by their current emotional state. Depression makes you lose perspective and have a distorted picture of reality. I remember reading about someone interviewed after jumping off a bridge and surviving, having an epiphany halfway down that most of the problems in his life were something he could do something about, except the problem of being currently falling. If it was mostly a reasoned choice I think you would see suicides being better planned out and people with more to say about it beforehand.

>interviewed after jumping off a bridge and surviving, having an epiphany halfway down That's why you use a gun. Suicidal niggas haven't seen Der Untergang smh. On an unrelated note, are those darknet gun dealers legit?

>>86417 Because I recognize the work it took for generations past to get me here and the money it took to raise me, and the luck my parents had in not having a miscarriage or having me turn out retarded or something like that. Like >>86432 said it's a privilege to be here. And killing oneself is a stupid teenage obsession for most people.

>>86748 interesting that you ignored how i said most jumpers (bridge jumpers) regretted their decision moments after going over the guard rails. take time to read suicide regret studies yourself and see if responses are coerced instead of giving a knee-jerk contrarian reply.

>>86761 That's just self-preservation instinct, idiot. Even when the mind suffers enough to attempt suicide, the traitorous flesh overrides all. The true question is: do you want to let the flesh or the mind rule your life?

>>86761 >interesting that you Stop being a passive-aggressive little pussy and tell him he's an idiot

>>86761 I just did some reading. Not impressed. Studies still say previous attempts are the leading indicator of succesful attempts. I also liked the garbage studies that filtered out the high risk group and instead focusef on adolescant attempts. no soykaf. kids are idiots and may regret impulsive acts. lets extrapolate this to 50 year old male. i didnt ignore the point about jumping. i specifically said the trauma induced by a jump attempt would understandably cause regret. most suicidal ppl fear surviving the most, because their situation becomes worse: you have a crippled body and youre more likely to be locked away. from wiki about jumping: Nonfatal attempts in these situations can have severe consequences including paralysis, organ damage, broken bones and lifelong pain.[3][4] People have survived falls from buildings as high as 47 floors (500-feet/152.4 metres).[5] Most think that jumping will lead to an instant death. However, in many cases, death is not instant. yea, jumping is scary soykaf. esp if u survive. but surr, lets pretend they regret it the moment theyre over the barrier and suddenly found life was actually nice all along. also jumping represents a minority of 3% of attempts. so if we believe you a majority in a tiny minority of a minority (ppl who survive) regret it. lmao pls >>86757 kek. imagine being grateful to ppl who fuarrrked for pleasure and didnt have a single thought about u as the male nutted in an orgasm. holi soykaf. you pro life ppl are delulu

>>86777 I mean I think you have a point in that killing yourself is going to be incredibly scary in the moment, which is many's counter. Clearly as you are closest to death you must understand what that means best, but not necessarily. Anyone scared out of their wits is going to regret doing it for awhile, but clearly at some point that fear is going to be processed and fade, and a suicidal persons day to day which could be said to be more representative of them will present the same desire to die. Regardless im a pro life person (strictly in terms of whether to kill yourself or not), it seems arbitrary to me. It seems delulu to have any take on at all, I don't really think someone can consent to their own death. Ideally death solving some problem you have with life would seem just as infeasible as any circumstance you could invent to be impossible for you to solve. Someone isn't truly capable of wishing for their own death, its an abstraction based on wanting an end to what life is to them. There is no reference point for death, not even being asleep. Its equivalent to me like thinking things would be better if unicorns were real. For all intents and purposes a death to you is not real, you just can guess and grab at experiences that might be similar like how a horse might look similar to a unicorn. Even seeing it as an end to anything is applying a very conscious experience to a supposedly non conscious one. It's equally delulu to me to want to die, or rather its just not accurate. Not every person will find a solution to their desire to want to die, but many many do. A person wanting to die in one moment can 10 years later say I don't understand why I ever thought that, and vice versa. Yet killing yourself is a decision that stretches infinitely, far beyond your life time. How is it not also delulu to think you will not even understand your perspective you have now many years down the line, when that is an everyday experience most have. Yet death as being a solution is an experience no one has and simply assumes for no discernible reason.

it's the pussy way out, literally giving up on life

>>86778 sorry sagepost but to clarify if you are speaking from some anti natalist or anti birth perspective, im very neutral and up to be convinced on that. This post I made is strictly about whether to kill yourself once you are already here which I believe to always be a no. I largely agree with your disdain for being grateful for being born. In the same way I don't think someone can consent to ones death I obviously even more so think you can not consent to your birth.

>>86550 Josie gives me a reason to live :33

I dont know. I have a rope ready and all. Survival instinct makes me feel like im going to puke as i put it around my neck. But people say it can only take 5 seconds to pass out if its done properly. i have to just fuarrrking do it

Technically all i have keeping me from committing suicide is hope. I believe things will become better. It isn't for nothing since they have become better. I guess a better way to put it is all I *had* was hope as im not as suicidal today as i was a year ago.

Mum would be sad, also >>86432

it's painful and goes against our natural instincts. im floundering right now. every apointment they just increase meds or change them, and i realise thats all they can do. the meds dont help though. i swear to god somethings gone wrong in my body. life isnt meant to be this intolerable. probably... maybe everyone else is just on the good drugs and as a poor prole i get soykaf. i dont even consume alcohol because i get no benefit. all these fuarrrking drugs dont make me feel any different, they just taste bad. more realistically, yea, my upbringing and genetics have fuarrrked me over. im as asocial as they get. autism, mute, avpd, call it what you want. im screwed. and its worse when clueless ppl think they can help you but do very little diagnostics and just follow generic book theory. american lains send me your freedom guns. im scared of pain and being incapacitated even mor than i am. generic thougts on suicide i think life just is like kicking dead whales down the beach in general. being self aware is tortue. i think ppls self awareness differs as any other natural trait, and those that are more self aware bring on more neurosis on themselves. i love my dreams, even though theyre mostly nightmares, because i lack an awareness of myself. i dont feel like a jittery nervous wreck questioning and doubting evrything. in my dreams i just am, and i just do things i want to do in the dreams. i wake up to the realworld and my body just collapses and wont let me comnand it. if i could shoot myself i could probably try more things to improve how i percieve the world. i have no motivation to do anything. mexican lains, pls send your coke. meth lains, give me something.

>>86890 your not alone , pls be strong.

>>86779 https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=o53H889DI38

>>86890 hey king start thinking there's nothing wrong with you

i do it for the fleeting moments of daily enjoyment, even if my capacity to feel good feelings is shot. i can’t deny that there are nice things in this world; a warm bowl of soup, looking at a cool rock, finding something cool online, my cat’s dumb little face. the mental pain is pervasive. sometimes i spin out over the loneliness, the hopelessness, and how scary it all is. i’ll feel myself teetering on the edge of a severe descent. but i am stubborn, so when i notice the signs, i double down—taking care of myself the way i would a friend or even a child. like yes, i want to abandon this body and be freed of this dirty earth! everything i’m afraid of is real! but i can also drink some apple juice and learn about cool bugs. it’s not even about distracting from or denying the dread—the pain and the fear is still real. but it’s about layering on more good, making decisions that give me more resources to layer on the good, and giving myself a fighting chance. do something you like today lains, something within your reach. if you don’t like anything very much, do something you could potentially like!

Waiting a bit more than 50 years to die of natural causes isn't that long in comparison to eternity in death. I'd rather wait and see whether I can change my life for the better someday. I've been suffering for nearly 10 years now for multiple reasons, but I still have some hope.

Because i dont want to come back i want to wait till the end comes

>>86447 every president since (inclusive) woodrow wilson has been the antichrist, with the possible exception of Richard Nixon.

I have some really awesome goals, though when I pursue them my mind gets unhealthy and I have to take long breaks. Van Gogh used to get in long philosophical debates with his brother and they would trigger mental episodes for him. So it's like that I guess. So long as I can chase my dream I don't wanna die

>>86417 cause maybe I'll make it with my art and maybe I'll meet all my friends again and maybe I'll forgive and forget all the trauma

I love living. I love God. I wish for this world to be freed from the filth it lives in, the degeneracy it's been rotten by. Every breath of air I take is a blessing from Jesus into my life. Despite the fact that we live in a world that's filled with Satan's cancers I know that we're unbeatable for we are made in the image of God.

>>86720 massive life changing trvthnvke

>>86677 >30 now, never held a woman's hand, have to go to bed each night wondering what it feels like to hold someone in my arms. sorry but having someone, being in love or being in relationship would not help with your depression, if you cant be happy by yourself you wont be happy with anyone else I look decent, have friends, have people to talk to, had relationships before and I still wanna kill myself, I was obviously happy with the people I was with but overall it did not change a thing

>>86727 clearly the answer is dating boys then :3

>>86969 This is actually bullshit. I had my first relationship and was noticeably less depressed than I was outside of one. Having someone to wake up to in the morning who likes you for who you are is a massive dopamine boost. I'm tired of people repeating this soykaf. It didn't change anything for you because you didn't appreciate it.

>>86969 You simply don't know what you're talking about. The mind can only overcome the flesh to a certain extent, touch and love starvation do exist.

Hmmm idk. The main reasons right now boil down to enjoyment, whether the things enjoyed are seen as good or bad; self harm via drugs, making music, hanging with people I love, listening to music, constantly thinking about my ex, philosophy, school, etc. I can't enjoy these things if I am dead. It would be nice but, the preparation and all that stuff that goes into it is too much for me to handle, let alone justify. Am I going to leave behind a note detailing logical and metaphysical reasoning on why I decided to kill myself, when I know people who have gotten reduced to an object to bring pleasure to others? That is ridiculous to me, yet, it still makes me want to anhero. Idk man, this soykaf is all retarded anyways and is all cope.

i tell myself i'll do it tomorrow

Taking a gun and shooting myself is too ugly for me. I want to die a beautiful death. I guess I do fantasize about being that one gay lover of Mishima and taking my life out of love or loyalty to another person. However, I doubt that will ever happen.

>>87031 I have had these fantasies lol. It would be nice to be found dead with your blood drained from your wrists in your most beautiful way. These fantasies say a lot about us.

>>87031 The one reason I never liked Mishima too much is that I don't believe there's such a thing as a beautiful death. Life is a process of decomposition with a few beautiful highs of creation, but if there's one thing we can't engineer that's death. If you die for someone else then that just makes you a dumb bitch.

I never wished to be alive. I do not mind leaving this life. Not in a suicidal sort of way but more of a, "I do not mind no longer existing" sort of way. I have experienced several tragedies and for a lack of a better word, "cringe" moments in my life that continue to make living a struggle. I think these may have lead to my current mind set and overall quality of life that I am in now. I am not trying to paint myself as a professional victim, nor am I viewing this as self pity, nor am I looking for anyone to sympathize or empathize for/with me. I am just stating what I believe to be the cause and effect in the most vaguest sense without turning this into a blog post. Now this is perhaps going to sound contradicting to what I have previously just stated. Although I wish to no longer exist, I believe it would be a waste to just end everything now. I am alive, and that is just the objective truth (philosophy of whether we truly exist or not I DO NOT give a fuarrrk). I am lucky to have/had people in my life who want nothing but the best for me, and are very hopeful of me, and believe I will achieve amazing things. I realize now that even though I do not care about living for myself, I will continue living for them. Even if they were to all disappear from my life one day, and I am all that is left, I will continue to live and I will carry on their hopes and dreams. And as long as they are in my life, I will keep trying to enrich their lives whether that be materialistically or just to be there for them when they are down, as they did for me. I always wanted to be someone great. I always thought about having a meaningful death, but I realize now that in order to achieve that I must have a meaningful life first. Having all these people that I care for believe that I can be someone amazing and continue to help me, asking for nothing in return, only solidified that perhaps I need to continue being here. Living is a struggle, but I choose to struggle for these people that I care for. And even though I currently believe I do not mind no longer existing, and the overall quality of my life is pretty bad right now, I believe that if I keep going and continue in trying to pursue greatness, these negative thoughts will eventually go away and I will truly believe that life HAS TO be lived.

>>86417a i'm a coward and the idea of suffering even after death scares me

Was looking up help on suicidal thoughts the other day, over tor so it doesn't go on my permanent record One of the results hit me with a cloudflare block. Literally the "2 unskippable ads before youtube cpr tutorial" meme lmao. There were other resources so no biggie, but jesus christ can't a nigga view a 1 KB static html...

>>87275 l o l >>87068 Im sorry can you explain how mishimas death failed here ? seemed to me like he did it how he wanted and pretty much for himself even if it was a coup for someone else, it was a real aesthetic too. Sure I guess he rotted after, but he shat before so by that standard maybe everything is ugly, in which case its a useless distinction.

There will be the right time to die, for now, good things are coming

>>86417 >>86417 Well, i'm obsessed to see and hear and feel. I like to watch, i'm a pervert. I want to be able to experience as much as possible as long as possible. The narrative never stops running. Killing myself would mean lose on whatever else is coming new. To lurk and fuarrrk, basically. That's why i still haven't killed myself. Sound and Vision and whatnot.

I maintain a rather hope that things will get better for me and I’ll be happier. I have always held that hope but honestly I never really had for more than moments at a time and usually things get much worse after it

>>86417 http://blog.nowherejezfoltodf4jiyl6r56jnzintap5vyjlia7fkirfsnfizflqd.onion/productivity/nihilism/index.html if your mind feels like it wants to die it's probably because you didn't clean it in a while. View your mind like a holy temple, if you leave soykaf at the entrance you won't be able to appreciate the subtler traits of that place. Cleanup needs to happen, and it requires you to get rid of compulsions, beliefs, and especially identities. Try out my nihilism mantras, and let me know if it works for you too. Personally it felt like a big weight had be put down from over my head more than 10 years ago when i tried the original identity dissolution mantra. Getting rid of the identities you accumulated over the years is especially what will allow you to sit still without a thought in your head, you'll be able to appreciate life again afterward. You can live like a king in that palace, or you can live like a beggarin that same palace, it's all up to you.

>>86417 I want to live. I just don't know how.

i was gonna write a bigger reply but i'd rather post this picture of Christoph de Babalon. if you're gonna go out... go out like a muthafucker. i wouldnt've gone out like a muthafucker if i were to kill myself. also there's things i still wanna achieve, and things i enjoy doing, despite my awful life situation and my inability to see a future for myself. and i'll cling to those things for dear life.

It's just really awesome. The DNA that you have has been passing down the chain for so long and now you're here and you're experiencing it, even if there's so much suffering it's just so fuarrrking cool that it actually happened.

>>87997 it is unfathomable horror, not "cool"

>>87999 Only if you have no free time to think about how cool it is.

I would end up seeing myself as disgusting for giving up, I still believe I can get out of the thirdie soykafhole I live in. This and fear of hell.

>>86417 I'm too religious for such, don't have enough pressures pushing me in such a direction, and it would be financially and emotionally harmful to my parents >>86446 >>86447 >futurism Revelation and Daniel are idealist. They describe a cosmic eternal battle between the forces of good and evil; the Church and hell; God and Satan over the soul of man until the final coming of the Lord. Christ will return as a thief in the night, as lightning in the East, as a bridegroom in procession—swiftly and without warning

because if you do, they won. we cant let them win, we have to fight.

>>86417 The statistics are just pretty bad. Good chance of ending up disabled and losing much autonomy due to it, so never felt it being an option because the chance of becoming a cripple sounds worse. Even if I did wish to know how people would react to it

>>86777 because I know that some day things might be better. Hope is strength. I know that it WILL get better. Man can find happiness anywhere, as is our nature; therefore, I can find happiness right where I am.

>>86417 ive tried multiple times but i just cant do it. i don't know why.

>>90457 because in truth you don't want to, and somewhere in your subconscious mind you recognize that.

>>90458 yeah honestly i don't but i oscillate between thinking i want to and acknowledging that i don't

Can't support my family. Also, hell.

I am pondering this question weekly, even on meds. I am too scared of not being, and of physical pain. That's the gist of it. I could also mention the emotional aspect of creating a void in my family's life, but I don't know how much this idea is true or something I've heard over and over again and mistaken it as mine.

My family, i don't know how it would feel find a son-brother hanged, sterile and cold in one morning, and i still believe in the golden rule. I also promised myself to even reach 29 years, maybe then i will decide.

after hating myself and wishing to die so much i had a sudden feeling that somehow it is worth it to live if it's for other people's sake but before that i guess i was jus scared of the pain or of surviving it

I have to build up my body of light (solar body)

It wouldn't make a difference.

You know you could easily go to the top of a building and jump. I'm a security guard at a building is eight floors up with roof access. Infact, I'm typing this up while at work. And if you walked in, and said, "Hey, I'm a contractor, and I need a temporary contractor's badge, please." I'd just hand it to you no questions asked. And that badge would allow you to use the elevator, and also access the roof. If you want to kys you can just do it by jumping. You don't need anything. But I would tell you, if you want to kill yourself, instead, you should do DMT. It changed soykaf up for me and now I don't want to die. All you need to make DMT is 1. A mason jar. 2. Sodium hydroxide. 3. Naphtha. 4. A turkey baster. 5. MHRB. 6. A pyrex dish. 7. Ice. 8. A cooler. You can buy the MHRB at Mayan Magic Soaps for $48.86. You just put a bottle of water, 100g of MHRB, and 1/4 cup of Sodium Hydroxide in a mason jar. Stir it up. Then eight hours later put 50ml of naphtha, and stir it up again. Eight hours later, the DMT will not be in the naphtha. Remove the naphtha, and put it in a pyrex dish. Put the pyrex dish in the cooler, and fill the cooler with ice. Leave it for 24-72 hours. The DMT will crystalize at the bottom. Poor out the DMT and let the naphtha evaporate. Where I went wrong the first time I did this was I didn't let the naphtha evaporate, before I began to scrape the DMT. Reply if you have any questions.

>>90621 This whole proccess btw is to get the DMT into the naphtha, then once its in the naptha you cool it with ice to make it crystalize. it will only crystalize on a pyrex dish. And you smoke it by putting it in a glass pipe and then heating the glass pipe with a lighter. Its not as efficient as building a special machine but it gets the job done. And you really only need to do DMT every one to five years. >Poor out the DMT and let the naptha evaporate I meant to say poor out the NAPTHA and let it dry

>>86417 I stay alive to spite everyone on this planet, also because genuinely I have fun here (though some days are soykaf), there is a lot of stuff I want to do while I am alive. Basically fun things are fun, and nobody is gonna stop me from having a good time.

I tell myself that it's because I'm too religious for it or I'm concerned about my family but in the moment it's honestly just cowardice and nothing more.

Because I feel like some divine force is toying with me and wouldn't let me find peace even if I managed to do it. Maybe I'll wake up as if nothing even happened. Or I'll have to redo this whole life over again, completely aware of all the terrible things that will happen but with fate intervening to keep me from stopping any of it. Or I'll just reincarnate into a worse life. Or it'll turn out hell is real, provided I'm not already in it right now.

>don't have a gun >things are not that bad yet But when they are, oh boy, I will need a gun. If not by accident it will be the way to go. Cancer? Bang. Diabetes? Bang. Have to be taken care of by other people? Bang. Go full poor? Bang. No slow burning karma for this MF

>>90557 Found out I might be borderline and I'm full of anger and resentment towards myself.

>>91212 literally THE SAME i stopped going to therapy after this like fvck me jesus...

>>91232 Doing my best not to do the same. I'm aware I'll have to go to another specialist anyway, in the long term... Hope you're now holding it together better.

Expert mountaineers and climbers die constantly due to extremely trivial mistakes: preventable falls, predictable adverse weather conditions, poorly organized excursions, insufficient equipment. I saw the light only after years in the mountains and enough pain: there is currently no nobler death that preserves honor and dignity, that leaves loved ones something to hold onto; I will allow no one to even suspect it: years of pretending happiness will lead to a simple, unpredictable accident, and it will all be over. I want to tear myself apart on the sharp rocks of a precipice after reaching the summit. Every time I reach it, I cry for how much I love everything around me and I surrender to life, backtracking as a loser. I'm just waiting for the right summit and a full moon. I'm sorry to everyone that trusted me and believed in me during my wait: I hope you'll never find out. >What is the reason you haven't killed yourself? Waiting. I will. Finding out if I have the guts to do it alone, without alcohol.

I just enjoy living too much. I’m infatuated with everything around me and want to see more of it. I’m actually really excited about growing old.

>>86417 For me it’s wanting to leave something behind before I die. Working on some art projects, they’re gonna be my suicide note.

I chose to be born in this world and I will leave it the way I see fit.

I cling to hope and I know the world could be better, but the struggle is monumental.

>>86417 i actually am only 2 people away from purchasing a gun so lack of method wouldnt be an excuse, i think i just want to live a little bit more first, but not too much, just turned 25 and i reallllllly wanna go haha also itd make my mom sad, i love her

My cats keep me alive. If I died, there would be no one to take care of them. Odds are good they'd end up in a shelter somewhere, until they were adopted by less good owners than myself. I may be fuarrrked up enough to want to end my life, but I know I'm at least good at taking care of my cats.

I have my set timeline, enough to prepare for it to leave the way I like it. It takes quite a bit of logistics, as I don’t want others to drag into that, and no one knows what I’m up to anyways. There are a couple of methods I’m considering but not fully decided yet. It needs to be planned out well.

>>86417 The belief that i can change things.

>What is the reason you haven't killed yourself? I can't stand the idea of my family torturing themselves and wondering if they did something wrong. Even if I clearly state they did nothing wrong in a suicide note, I know they will torture themselves. With time, life got a bit less soykafty, I won't say I love life and suicide isn't in my mind sometimes, but it's easier to ignore the bad stuff and focus on soykaf I enjoy now, even the smallest and meaningless things I like. Now, I just contemplate suicide in my head, knowing full well that I will not do it, and that's enough to make me feel more alive and move on. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about this soykaf, OP. That's why anonymous places on the Internet are important.

>>92525 This is why we are meant to have social interactions. We have evolved to need them, we are supposed to have them to depend on people and for them to depend on us. Everyone is connected said Lain. Even if it is only to cats, I guess.

I want to see more, I enjoy the little things, it would create a burden on people I care about, it would be more uncomfortable than the alternative

Never been depressed. Seriously. I've had moments of sadness and anxiety like anybody else, but never long enough to call it that.

My dad works 6 days a week and still wouldn't be able to afford to bury me. He's my superhero, deserves so much better then losing his wife AND child, so here i am. until life convinces me that having hope isn't setup to ruin, im just cruising on that and quietly crying myself to sleep at night. nono, im fine.

I tell myself I bear witness to history in the process. I also like to eat and do drugs and play vidya. I will die anyway. It's not like not killing yourself means endless torment in the physical plane. I try to center my life around fun things like most everyone does, just perhaps more so aware. Or at least I think that way, because most people seem not very self aware, doing the same things.

>>92525 thank you sora and kibo :)

I guess if the average lifetime was something around 200 years I would've ended it at some point. But everytime I think about it, I remember that it's all gonna end soon. Like, why the hell should I kms? I mean, this is not eternal, soon enough I'm gonna die anyway... so I just wait for it, it's the only, final destination anyway.

I would have if I had no family to burden with my suicide. Life's just interesting enough to keep going with the niche I found for myself.

>>86417 I'd like to be a pilot and I'm only upset with life because I'm not one yet. Besides, you can always kill yourself later

>>86417 Mom'd be sad Simple as

Wanna see what's will happen to me, my country and world, also my family would be sad to devastated if I'm an hero myself.

Because somehow I hope, despite everything. Today should tell me not to, but I'll keep doing it like a fool.

The kind of people I hate would want me to kill myself and see it as a victory.

what do you do when clearly one side of your family carries a genetic anomoly that predisposes you to misery? i think iv found a regime of drugs that help thanks to psychiatry (and i cant impress enough how much they do help). i feel normal now, but at the same time i cant deny its not worth it. its so not fuarrrking worth it. its just not. take your drugs and be a wageslave. the only thing nice is nature, but your wageslavery enables the obliteration of nature. ppl arent meant to live like this. just stop

If I had a gun I would for sure be dead by now. I can't legally buy a gun and I dodn't know amyone who would sell me one. I tried putting a bag over my head, but I didn't know about the carbon dioxide buildup in the blood that triggers a reflex to get air, so it didn't work. Now I know about using an inert lighter than air gas like helium or nitrogen to fill the bag from the top, while leaving a small opening at the bottom so the carbon-dioxide laden air can escape. That allows quick, peaceful, painless unconciousness and then death within about ten minutes. I'm looking for a place to buy a tank of compressed nitrogen and a hose that will fit the nozzle. I can tape the other end of the hose to a hole in the top of a plastic bag, put it over my head, leave a little opening in the neck area to let the co2 escape, and turn on the gas flow. No unpleasantness, simple, fast, reliable. Just breathe in peace and slip away.

>>94375 Just fyi, I've heard that they started putting other things in with those gasses to try to stop people from doing that. Don't kill yourself, but especially don't fuarrrk it up.

>>94377 The largest supplier of helium started selling only 80% helium. But the nitrogen gas suppliers I've checked list a purity percentage, and 99+% pure nitrogen is available. The tricky part is pretending to have some other need for such a small order. But it only costs about $50.

Because I don't have a 9mm. And I doubt that my family will recover from it if I killed myself. Those last years have been tough to all of us. I guess I'll just take the maximum of covid jabbs possible and die from a heart attack.

>>94375 >>94402 Tox me if you like https://tox.chat/download.html My ID: C9587C40F20D771AC91C969A48422CA6406F8423B0B39C0138E3B24197F542736CBAE5CD35C0 I'm just a retard autist, not a shrink or a personal Jesus, so don't expect much. I don't have an agenda of helping or hurting, just genuinely want to chat.

>>86417 My computer. I live in an urban hellscape with no connection to nature or other people, so I occupy myself by exploring the internet and talking to strangers online.

>>92525 Pets will be sad trumps mom will be sad >>94381 Brewing beer needs nitrogen. Food grade will also be as pure as can be

I hold the opinion that suicide is the ultimate freedom. The only reason the cultural zeitgeist is that it's bad is that you haven't been adequately exploited for your labor yet. Governments and those at top of the economy survive on the exploitation of those at the bottom. You didn't ask to be here nor to experience things that happen to you. It's totally rational to assess your life and go "this is not worth it".

>>94436 Freedom from earth doesn't mean freedom from other things.

>>94437 If we listen to those who remember existence between 2 incarnations, death on Earth doesn't guarantee freedom from Earth either; there's a chance you'll behave like a zombie until a new body is ready. Unless you become what Jesus called "poor in spirit" and get rid of all earthly desires. For in the end, everyone will receive what they asked...

>>94437 Better a re-roll than living with a soykaf deal. Moreover, I do not believe in things we can not measure like what ever state you are referring to post known consciousness.

>>94440 Nothing in life goes well, so it's pretty naive to think death will just give you stuff for free.

>>94443 I work under the assumption that there is no after life. As implied, we can not measure the after life in anyway. Current consciousness is all there is.

i love my girlfriend, that's about it. outside of her, i'm sick of living. i live with my second best friend and his girlfriend, and got a well paying job doing metalwork, which i like, but outside of when i'm at work or with my girlfriend which only really happens on the weekends, i'm depressed laying in bed, staring at my ceiling. i've been on prozac for about two months, and i'm planning on getting a therapist, because of a promise i made toy girlfriend. i recently relasped on self harm

Because the single faculty I hold in trust promises me I'll only invoke an instantaneous birth and another bloody and amnesiac circulation of this dumb carnival. Rather than awaiting the necessary courage to kill myself I'm awaiting the necessary courage to become a monk and continue the massive pebble house undertaking of mine own cessation and that same faculty promises me this task will take lifetimes numbered in millions.

>>86417 I want to be emotionally vulnerable and honest with a few people yet. I want to ask out a girl. I want to date. I want to experience life and living.

>>95709 the secret you may have yet to discover is that the soul exists it is very real...love also exists intrinsically i'm not sure if i can say for sure that 'fate' exists...but i know there is an Architecture of sorts to the Universe and sometimes our life appears to be playing out as a type of Divine Theater ....but there are many things in life that are secret and invisible

pleasure, whimsy, i love life. i love pain. i love heart ache. i love soreness in the morning. i am something rather then nothing. i have many medical problems.. and other issues as well. yet i persist. i love the internet. i love food. when i hike, and get alil lost i often hope for a wild animal to attack me , i would happily fight it with my knife.

I don't think that I have earned death nor fully understand what death means for us. There is a concept Heidegger talks about called "Being Towards Death". Basically it is that we do not understand nor can be dedicated until an understanding of what death means. It gets complicated fast, but the essence is that once an individual finds out for themselves that death ends all prior dedications that one has limited themselves to in life, ie, writing poetry, that dedication will not be interacted with anymore. It is only through death that our Dasein can be realized individually in all its Dasein-esque qualities. So, yea, I still really don't think that I have pondered and studied enough to experience this 'being toward death' thing. I think even the titillation of thinking about suicide takes one farther from this sort of thing. Something I need to question myself on more, now that I think about it.