/vent/

Last two threads hit bump limit. New thread picking up where the last ones left off. Here is my vent about ruach and nephesh, and indeed it was much needed. https://voca.ro/15d08tgPALby

I absolutely detest zeno and phyto estrogens. fuarrrk hops and soy. They will be the death of us all! Thats another puzzle piece to this soykafty pipeline, the popularizing of drinks and foods high in hops and soy has only existed since after WW2 and is now being added to the overwhelming majority of foods. Look for yourself on the ingredients for soy or lecithin. These compounds caused the stark increase in cluster B in women and are a cause of variety of mental illnesses in men.

>>85721 You're ill informed but not entirely off. You even spelled xeno wrong. Soy is less bioactive than estrogen so it actually has a bit of an anti estrogenic effect because it takes up space in the estrogen receptors blocking estrogen. It's weird you even bring up WWII as if you're implying Hitler losing had anything to do with it when he actually wanted soy to be a staple food in Germany and if you are suggesting opposite that Hitler is behind soy that also is questionable. It just is a convenient source of protein and nutrients and could have came out same without WWII, though hard to predict alternate timelines. Cluster B conditions is increasing with both genders. Increase in mental health issues is a combination of increased diagnoses and the effects of the centralization of the internet and the way big tech social media is designed to increase engagement in psychologically manipulative ways that lead to the manipulation of people's behaviors as as an unintended effect that some individuals and groups learned to take advantage of. Microplastics are a bigger concern since their effects on health are unknown and they seemingly just stay in the body and those can act as xenoestrogens. There also is issue of lead and chemical contamination of water supply and medication contamination of water and to some degree fluoridation of water may play a role in health problems as well. Also certain pesticides are damaging to the brain. You're going to see things get a whole lot worse if there isn't proper regulation brought in because the consumers will never know what goes on behind the scenes before it is far too late. For example it was known from the beginning that leaded gasoline is harmful and this information was kept away from the public. It did not end until it was derezzed through regulation.

Have an interview coming up which is pretty much my last chance to escape the endless unemployment in the software field. It's all or nothing and if I fuarrrk this up I'll probably have no job for the next year at least. I'm preparing as much as I can but really need to pull through here. Wish me luck

Ive been with someone for 4 years but I worry its been purely through the suppression of my own wants and emotions, not that they are abusive. I just decided one day I was going to love someone who loves me instead of chasing what I want and see where it takes me, and now im here. A lot has been set up in this relationship, its stable and safe, but I met someone and I meet people all the time but this specific person I feel like when I had my first crush with. I did not think that was possible for me anymore, there has been a lot of people I entertained like sexual fantasies about but nobody I actually felt love for and this desire to keep them around at all costs. I dont think I feel that way about who im with currently, which is normal maybe for a long relationship, but im worried I actually never felt that way. This person is also 8 years older than me and 10 more than who im currently with, so is it even fair? Many of the qualities I like about this new girl I think could just come with time, but others not. I feel very happy when I hang out with her, I cant remember the last time I felt happy. I can remember the last time I put my faith in happiness stemming from another person I was very very dissapointed, thats why with my current partner I chose someone I care about and love in some sense but who I dont love in any butterflies or cant stop thinking about them sense. This new person does in fact like me im pretty sure, we have been friends for a few months now and many people ask us if we are together and she is never really put off by it and seems to even like it when that comment is made. But this is all gonna blow up and end in a disaster, this is how I picture it going down. I wont feel right entertaining dating this new friend without breaking things off with my partner, so il do that. Trying to find new seperate places will be terrible, il constantly have to deal with seeing my partner crying and sobbing and just wanting to comfort them but knowing I cant. Her cat will be stressed out, when we finally move out I wont be able to sleep because im just imagining my partner and her cat crying and the cat wondering where I went. Il start drinking to try and sleep. Il be so lonely and upset that il cling onto this new person for my dear life and she wont like it, she wont want to date me and wont want to be my friend anymore because il be such a wreck. Cold and alone and afraid il think about how I gave up my only semblance of stability and safety and intimacy because I got it in my head that I deserved "something better". But ultimately life is short, why write my own tragedy before I even allow it to happen. All these emotions will kill me but I already tried blocking them out and being as just rational as I could be and everything was bland and the same and its own hell. I feel like its predestined already that I split with the person im with, I keep feeling like im going to die soon and having dreams about it and I think its about the current life I live with my partner in reality. Im not sure if its even about this new friend, maybe she just seems like a possible escape or a way I might soften the blow of it all and distract myself. I regret nothing in perpetuity, im going to destroy it all and when im on my deathbed probably look back fondly on that decision.

>>85694 I mean yeah, black crime was much lower during the Malcom X and Martin Luther King day, so most of their crime stats are from fatherlessness in the black community which came directly from the CIA feeding crack into their community and whatnot. Even whites who were brought up in the fatherless homes had 40% higher incarceration rate. The issue with me in all honesty is all the forced migration which is mostly illegal migration, which comes from the elites, and mostly jewish elites wanting to destabilize the world with divide and conquer. The fracturization of homogeneity works in the favor of rich jews trying to have an upper hand. In general I have nothing against miscenigation and race mixing other than complete dilution of native whiteness, which is obviously forced. It is a form of eugenics which benefits corporatocracy and the state rather than the people. Same kind of eugenics program could be forced with increased native birthrates but that doesn't benefit the corporations and the government. This is what nationalistic/ethnocentric socialism is all about. Something that is quite missunderstood. The racism is part of it, but mostly due to overburdened pushing of third world migration. On its own, the nationalistic socialism isn't that much different than any other socialism in of its own. And honestly this kind of socialism is much more natural and closer to our nature than just pure ideologic one. Having a tribe resemble you genetically means a lot in terms of cultural and safety wise. Something you just can't get over. Race is differences beyond just skin color. Bone density, hormonal differences, digestive enzymes, even neurological differences. They all play a role in how we understand each other. >but not to point you lose your sense of self most of the time. I don't think that is correct. Self doesn't exist at all. >who's sincere instead of but a mere flaming troll I agree, but I am more sincere in my trolling than most out there. I am not a guy that loves a pity party of cancer for example. I couldn't give a soykaf about someone having cancer or some chronic incurable diseases. Like, there are 8 billion people out there, 1 more or less shouldn't make our hearts bleed every time. People just do it out of proximity and couldn't care less about that little black boy in the ethiopia for example. And worse yet the people that go around and announce their disease on a megaphone. It is their whole personality, like Munchausen syndrome. When my friend for example told me he has multiple sclerosis and I didn't react in general way he was nicely taken back, he liked how it wasnt a pity party, how much I didn't treat him different or actually give a soykaf about that. We truly live in society that celebrates the "underdog" or "the weak". We give so much money and time to children with intellectual disabilities that will give back to society a fraction of that money instead of giving the money to smart people who will give back 10 times. Just look at the amount of anons getting butthurt at me anonymously admitting I like to rile up people: >>85695 >>85698 >>85692 The constant need for politeness comes out of inability to face the ugly and harsh truth of the world. >I'd say weakness is hiding behind rudeness as an avoidance of introspection that can lead to acknowledging one's own shortcomings of character or how one's self may be at conflict with some current aspects of society and how to move from there to improve things as much as possible for one self snd others while never assuming or imposing on behalf of others. Oh for sure, my shortcomings here are lack of empathy which is completely self evident. And I just can't bring myself to care, or want to care about someone. I tried giving a fuarrrk about my immediate family and still I had issues there. >>85701 Or worse yet, the need for politeness comes out of inability to take your own opinions above others. People fall back under no pressure to change their opinions. As I said, its an animal standing in the middle of the herd just out of fear. So their own value of opinion and their own existence doesn't really matter, the group collective matters more, and anyone who threatens it as such. Which is why the left wing is having a good foothold in todays society. The collectivism of groupthink of the left is strong in low self esteem mentally ill people. Low self esteem is just lack of confidence in your own decisions in life, a byproduct of not "putting yourself out there" to life and worries of life.

>>85708 You didn't even mention the significant fetish/grooming aspect. The community is reprehensible in so many ways, and whenever someone criticises them out they roll out the "narcissist's prayer" response: >That didn't happen. >And if it did, it wasn't that bad. >And if it was, that's not a big deal. >And if it is, that's not my fault. >And if it was, I didn't mean it. >And if I did, you deserved it.

I don't like being nice to people. It's a chore and it tires me out. There are a million reasons why I'll judge a person and think they don't deserve even the bare minimum from me. I know they secretly judge me too. All people know this niceness and politeness is fake, and yet all fake it everyday because it's necessary for society to function. I hate everyone, from the bottom of my heart.

>>85737 Are ya winning, son?...Guess not...

>>85197 Addendum: she changed her mind and now we are going on a date this week.

Heres my vent for tonight frens, titled Becoming my own Jannie >https://voca.ro/11oxXoLrkPLp

I posted a little while back about how I'd go to coffee shops and read, wanting someone to talk to me and going insane over the fact that no one would. Yesterday, a woman sat next to me and she clearly wanted to talk to me. She kept fuarrrking around on her phone and she'd blurt out something and I think it might have been her way of attempting to prompt engagement. I kept reading. She started to get progressively more upset and eventually phoned a friend/relative and started talking about how she was struggling and needed some uplifting conversation(fuarrrking say hello for fuarrrk's sake holy fuarrrk) and how she was going to cancel a trip she was going to take because she was struggling. Her conversation went on like that for a while, and I halfway got the impression she might kill herself(please just say hello, I'd even accept a fuarrrking wave). A little while after she finished her conversation we were notified that the store was closing, and as I finished packing up she finally went and fuarrrking did the thing. She said hey, and said that I seemed pretty absorbed in my book and asked about it before showing me her own that she had brought but hadn't started yet. An awkward conversation ensued, but she smiled as well as she could through obvious pain. I told her that I come there often, and she said she'd be there today, and I said that maybe we'd see each other. We didn't. Perhaps that's for the best given she's clearly nuts, but so am I, so perhaps not. I wonder if she's dead? That would suck. If she is, then maybe it's my fault for sucking at talking lmao. Maybe I should have asked for her number or something. I really am hopeless.

>>85761 Think about how unrealistic it is, that you expected a woman to make the first move, and that you think its realistic to conclude that she might have killed herself. I pray this is a troll, because if this is serious and your actually above 18 years old I feel bad for you and our society.

>>85762 I conclude that she may have killed herself for totally unrelated reasons that may have been preventable. She was talking about sending her dog to stay with her parents for a while in case something happens to her. I concluded that it might be suicide as the suspected cause of impending death due to her crying and soykaf. I'm not after them making "the first move" for a relationship, I'm after a bit of small talk. Sure, I'd like a relationship, but I want even a guy to come say hello. Literally anyone. I don't even care what we talk about. Also, you say it's unrealistic, but she did it. Maybe she died of some health condition, but she didn't look fuarrrked up or anything and wasn't old.

>>85763 She did it because shes that insane and desperate and you also knew shes bad news from the type of behavior she expressed but yet you still find that attractive? She was goading you on, in an obnoxious and abhorrent way, while you ignored the opportunity to speak to her while silently demanding she speak to you and waiting for her to do so, what a silly situation. Do you not see the comedy and silliness of how your relaying this?

>>85764 Of course it's absurd, and of course I see that! That's why I posted it. It's interesting! As for attraction, the truth is that I didn't find it attractive, I found it really uncomfortable and I thought she wasn't attractive physically either. Even so, I truly am some kind of insane. I seriously have some weird hangup where I desperately want people to "make the first move" in a bout of small talk. The fact that she wanted something more from me was something that I considered as baggage that would come with the win condition of someone finally saying hi. I would unironically go out with this woman that I dislike simply because I'm happy she did the thing. I'd actually alter the course of my whole damn life over this weird obsession. I have something wrong with me.

>>85765 Yes, see that was all I was saying really. Hence why you have earned my pity and my prayer fren. Truly, please get help, living like this as you get older will kill you, and no one else will ever warn you about that.

>>85708 fuarrrk man i've been there and i've had those thoughts, it's genuinely crazy how much the "become an anime girl" transgender psyop has consumed nerd spaces. on a more personal level, as someone who finds gender to be a ridiculously stupid concept, it's sad to see that any autistic male that doesn't conform to "male" standards gets railroaded into being a big pharma slave and indulge in self-destructive behaviors.

>>85767 Whoa whoa whoa, railroaded? Only willingly so, chief. Only the willing are railroaded into this suck eggs culture of troonery.

>>85768 it's a soft railroading because a lot of troons have this sense of psychosis (multiply by 10 if they're living with hostile family members) on how they're running out of time before testosterone "ruins" them and how they will have to live their life as a Man(TM).

>>85770 Yes, but those are delusions that others pray upon, if you want to call that railroading go for it. This fuarrrking timeline is so silly, can you imagine what its gonna be like in 5-10 years?

>>85767 >psyop People that didn't conform to the standard way of expectations of gender in their cultures have always existed it seems from anthropological / archeological records and it's fine if someone wants to look a different way or take drugs or whatever within a stable reason, their life and body. I think the egg culture trash is a result of a combination of a reaction to rigid gender roles in personal experiences. This lead to a common "us vs them" situation causing people to band together and when that happens you get a sort of potential for a counter culture to arise but problem is counter cultures can wind up with similar problems as what they are countering due to contrarianism and group think. This is further shaped by the extreme level of hierarchal individualism in American culture that causes people troubles. Compounding things worse there is the whole social media design + algorithms promoting extremism everywhere which is likely from an accident since no one is really that clever but some individuals and groups have taken this to their advantage. Then there also is the lacking amount of research into matters of gender dysphoria to really find how much of it is neurological or how much is social phenomena or how much is just personal preferences and there being an absence of more options on how to approach it when someone has problems going on like that. How people in this whole egg culture trend are are just how people react when their beliefs and image of themselves are challenged so it isn't unique especially with not much deeper understanding on causes are present. I wouldn't call this a psyop but a social phenomena. >big pharma slave Why does this almost always only come up if it's pharma stuff and mostly when it's anything trans related ? Why aren't same people bringing this up not railing against people being reliant on clothing manufacturers, technology companies, the real estate market and eating food from big farming and food processing companies? It's all the same. The later of which is even owned by the same people in the pharma industry in some cases. It's all just how the economy and society built around it is structured. The problem isn't individuals being a part of the society they live in.

I had a dream last night... it was really nice. I don't want to go into the specifics, but near the end I felt a great sense of love and calmness, perhaps contentedness, that another induced in me. When I awoke shortly after the remnants lingered and I wished to go back to dreaming, forever. I don't know if it's normal, and I suspect it is, but I only ever feel nice in dreams. Often the absurdity of the dream makes it interesting, regardless of the emotions invoked, compared to my real life. I feel like I'm only capable of having strong emotions in dreams... I don't care anymore. My life's in shambles, but it's always been. Just now it's in shambles in a new aspect. I'm not really tired anymore, just apathetic. I want to die, but my body instinctively doesn't like the scenarios that induce it. It fights them. I just want to sleep forever. Life is the most cursed thing. Non-living things do not want to be alive, but living things certainly desire to be non-living at times. Sometimes that desire fades, but it's always lingering in the background. It's always there. What would make me happy? What do I want? I think I know what the answers are, but like most things, I can't move towards them. Eternally stuck, dreaming of other things.

>>85768 >Only willingly so Not really. They've made it so that it's near impossible to conclude anything other than "I am trans, I need to transition". When you're introduced to the culture you inevitably wonder "what if I did that" - boom, you just questioned your gender, and "cis people don't question their gender". From now on every doubt you have is "internalised transphobia" and "denial", and backing out is "repression" and "living a lie" that will end in suicide. Plus there's the paranoia that you're running out of time and if you wait too long you'll face that same fate. It takes mental strength to get out of this mindset, and most people who get into egg culture are too unstable for that. >>85772 Yeah, I wouldn't call it a psyop either. It's more of a self-propagating mass delusion. People who have had their "egg cracked" often go on to become "egg crackers" themselves because they start seeing the same "signs" they found in themselves (social difficulties, mental issues, certain interests and personality traits) in others. They genuinely believe that they're helping people by recruiting them into the community. They also rely on the community's validation feedback loop to bolster their self-esteem and confidence in their life choices, and the more people join the more "valid" everyone is.

>>85772 Transgenderism is ultimate endgame consumerism. You're explicitly made to believe that consuming the product is necessary for you to manifest your identity, and if you stop consuming the product you're no longer living as your true self and might as well be dead. Other corporate products play on consumers' sense of identity, but not to that extent.

Where do people get this dumbass crap about "consumerism"? They sound like a bunch of parrots all squawking the same nonsense, so there must be some central retarded source for it. What is it?

>>85778 >Consumerism is a social and economic order in which the aspirations of many individuals include the acquisition of goods and services beyond those necessary for survival or traditional displays of status. So you think this doesn't exist? Or do you want a different term to be used for it?

>>85772 >Why aren't same people bringing this up not railing against people being reliant on clothing manufacturers, technology companies, the real estate market and eating food from big farming and food processing companies? It's all the same. People literally do but nobody spergs out if you say clothing price reductions are a scam as corps buy for $10 from third world factories to sell for $50 *discounted from $100* Same soykaf for housing market. etc. The reality is discussions where nobody gets offended dont get much attention.

>>85777 This. Also huge money in the pharmaceuticals and surgeries etc. Consumerism's logical finality is commodification of absolutely every aspect of human existence. /thread.

>>85772 >People that didn't conform to the standard way of expectations of gender in their cultures have always existed because they've always existed therefore it is okay? Serial killers and schizophrenics have always existed, doesn't justify their existence or normalize their existence. Mental illness is a thing you know. >if someone wants to look a different way or take drugs or whatever within a stable reason, their life and body Until it is a mentally ill schizophrenic or a cannibal meeting up with a suicidal person, right?

>>85786 People with schizophrenia lead pretty normal lives if not even held in high regard before cultures started viewing them negatively which socially isolated them and impacting how they handle their condition and the nature of their hallucinations. People with schizophrenia in the West have worse hallucinations and delusions than those in the East because the later has had more history with shamanism and beliefs in the supernatural. So called mental illness is often just made up labels for people reacting normally to extreme experiences along with labels placed on people authority figures don't like. Someone like Diogenes absolutely would be labelled a fool and a madman had he lived in a different time. Nichola Tesla clearly had mental issues but it doesn't detract from his genius.

>>85787 >hello, based department? >Diogenes bros rise up

>>85787 There you go downplaying mentally ill people, makes me think you are mentally ill yourself

I grew cold. I'm like Stalin after his last wife died. I am running out of reasons to hold anyone but myself in any sort of regard at all. So many people walk around and are basically animals. Cattle, beasts. Like walking bags of mana. Why not play a game of Snake, eh?

>>85799 Fully related then... requesting resources for magical vampirism, like making wards, parasiting etc.

I heard arisuchan reappeared again but it looks like its down again. Anyone know what happened to it?

>>85720 Can you explain more about the outward-masculine, inward-feminine that's supposedly the natural state of being? >>85730 u can be a bit more selfish with your current partner, you can tell her what you want the relationship to look like or talk about what would make you happy. I do think you're still idealizing partership or romance to a degree, but talk about what you want with her anyway.

>>85807 Certainly I can allow me to start up an audio file on that now for you. Its actually one of my favorite subjects as of late. I will report back shortly.

>>85807 >https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_and_animus >https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Spirit_in_Judaism (ruach) >https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nephesh >https://voca.ro/1jKiJntm7juh Very interested to know who else is picking up on this thread, its hard to find anyone to ever speak to about this.

>>85812 Still dont believe me? Heres more substantiating of my claims. >https://voca.ro/1kgVxN9uPI6B All of you who have not heard it before need to listen to "greenbaum speech" immediately

>>85814 Let me take you even deeper down another avenue thats related to this whole exploration of the unconscious mind. >https://voca.ro/14Y5qr3bxjo2

Anyone else ever heard about shoe experiment? >https://voca.ro/1nbVZBoELm5D

More red pills >https://voca.ro/1lsOecMoLpue

>>85821 https://voca.ro/1n9JeNsv0peZ

>>85772 fair and mostly agree actually. transgender stuff isn't the psyop, egg culture is. >Why does this almost always only come up if it's pharma stuff and mostly when it's anything trans related ? Why aren't same people bringing this up not railing against people being reliant on clothing manufacturers, technology companies, the real estate market and eating food from big farming and food processing companies? because we were talking about trans issues exclusively. >>85776 agreed

>>85828 >because we were talking about trans issues exclusively. The reason trans issues are such a frequent topic of angry arguments online is that gay people are too familiar to be divisive any more. Everything the controversy is about is real (to varying degrees) but the controversy itself is almost entirely manufactured to distract us from the other stuff. >>85776 >They also rely on the community's validation feedback loop to bolster their self-esteem and confidence in their life choices, and the more people join the more "valid" everyone is. I think this is pretty par for the course for some online "communities". Incel "communities" are quite similar, as well as some variants of QAnon. Egg culture is the one I have the most direct experience with (completely cis, but used to hang out in those types of servers & chatrooms). People get dependent on a faceless mob of internet strangers for their entire social existence, and any deviation from the accepted groupthink results in harsh punishment and ostracization, often pushing people to suicide. It's really no different from a cult, just one with a decentralized leadership style.

>>85831 > Everything the controversy is about is real (to varying degrees) but the controversy itself is almost entirely manufactured to distract us from the other stuff. I just hate how things are. It makes it so any valid criticism gets swept away because these kind of idiots who just want attention for hate mongering. > I think this is pretty par for the course for some online "communities". Incel "communities" are quite similar, as well as some variants of QAnon. It's weird. Incels very well should know they are just making themselves repulsive as possible to women. QAnon types except those with full on schizophrenia should have long ago noticed how many things never happened that they were told would. > People get dependent on a faceless mob of internet strangers for their entire social existence, and any deviation from the accepted groupthink results in harsh punishment and ostracization, often pushing people to suicide. Personally all my social life is online and I haven't fallen for these kind of group behaviors because I tend to dislike both sides for their lack of nuance and self centered way of thinking.

>>85831 >The reason trans issues are such a frequent topic of angry arguments online is that gay people are too familiar to be divisive any more. Everything the controversy is about is real (to varying degrees) but the controversy itself is almost entirely manufactured to distract us from the other stuff. i'm aware and don't disagree with what you said > just one with a decentralized leadership style. kind of like a memetic worm. > (completely cis, but used to hang out in those types of servers & chatrooms) relatable lol

>>85832 >Personally all my social life is online and I haven't fallen for these kind of group behaviors because I tend to dislike both sides for their lack of nuance and self centered way of thinking. I mean, it's not like this is even a usual way that being terminally online goes, it's just a way it goes inside these cults.

>>85807 (second reply) yeah I think your right. I was talking about it with someone else today and I think I was such in an apathetic place when we met I was happy to just see them happy. But now im feeling things again and im just not happy, and I cant worry too much if my wants are unreasonable if thats the case then we will split which is what im already on the fence about. I have to trust they are looking out for themselves too and express I am not happy with things and not worry if thats going to set them back because its already setting me back. I can consider every negative outcome all day but its ultimately not any better to live my life in secret resentment about not being able to prioritize what I want. I guess its just I didnt know what I wanted for a long time.

I been trying after almost a decade, don't know why to be honest, to get back into social networks. Shit feels so weird. Everything is a watered down version of linkedin but the same none the less. I don't know maybe it is just me that I grew old and this is only me screaming at the clouds but something feels off. And when you try to have a conversation with anyone most people just straight ignore you or the ones that don't just cut you quickly. I think I will delete the accounts again, it isn't worth it I will stick to the bars for my social interactions there I have fun at least and doesn't feel like a competition for something I don't even know what it is.

>>85866 It does feel like conversations went down to 1. write bait, get tons of replies but its just wasted time 2. write something uncontested, 0 replies =dead without attention i think censorship outlawing "shut up idiot" led to genuine retards growing like uncontrolled mold and dominating spaces with 1

I just feel like I have been a failure for not only failing to get what I want in life but also failing to kill myself.

>>85890 yeah sounds like you're a failure just thought with your track record you'd appreciate an outside opinion

>balding >loose skin from weight loss >crooked teeth It's going to cost around $50,000 to fix my insecurities. And then I'm going to be insecure about something else instead.

Feeling kind of demoralized lately. I no longer find much joy or interest in my hobbies. After work I'm just scrolling and posting and doing chores. Time and dollars spent having fun take me further from my financial goals. Although as a result it does sort of end up being the case that I am not living for anything except work. Something probably has to change in my life habits before this issue becomes more severe. I have some perverted idea that I have to spend all of my limited free time in a mode of "maximum recreation" which just means flipping through various social media tabs... something has to change. I don't really know. It feels like such a stupid idea to tune out of the world and do something basic right now even though that seems like the obvious treatment.

Hi Lains, I'm losing my grip on reality. Parents dying, running out of money, major personal setbacks, a string of unfortunate events. The thing is, whilst these incidents may make everyday life more 'stressful', I generally feel the same. Working and having money makes me miserable. Dodging homelessness with minimum work makes me miserable. Being unemployed and homeless makes me miserable. I can't find anything that helps. I need a circuit breaker. Life's never been fun. I don't know what I'm doing wrong if anything, or if it's just a genetic thing. I hate life no matter what I'm doing. That never goes away. I always feel like I have no energy and I'm running up a steep incline whilst everyone else is coasting on a smooth horizon looking at me like I'm a freak, sweating and jittery, having problems with basic mundane things. The one thing I thought might help has been met with resistance by every professional I've engaged with and that's ADHD medications. I've tried to advocate for myself, and I'm flat out of energy. I can't advocate for myself anyway. Nothing gets done. I feel like I'm ignored. fuarrrk. If you have any advice throw it my way. It's probably garbage, so I'll take it with me to the graveyard.

>>85895 Your post reminds me of a soykafty image I saw once on the internet long time ago. It was a man sad with his work on his commute to work looking at a tree with birds asking himself:"if they could fly anywere, why would be in this soykafty place?" The man not realising he could do the same, fly somewhere and start anew. That is my soykafty advice, take a one way ticket to somewhere you have never been before and start anew. Find adventure, fall in love, get heartbroken and get drunk with the locals till you become one more

>>85867 More than the outlawing of the shutup idiot I think it is the normalitzation of attatching your real persona to online accounts and the persistency of the messages. You are commdemned to fall into a group and be slave of your yesterday opinions. That or just be an ironic dipshit to afraid to have your own opinions to not be wrong and ashamed

Don't you guys/gals ever feel like moving to another city/state/wherever that is far away from your current location, just so you could have a fresh start? You become a complete stranger, no one has been hurt by you, neither have people hurt you. You have the chance to cause a good first impression while using your prior knowledge from past experiences. You have the chance to avoid past mistakes. I feel like completely vanishing from here, as if I never existed in the first place. I want to restart somewhere else. I am too much of a coward to stand up for myself and live with the people I have hurt while correcting my mistakes and earning their trust back. I just want to evade, willing to leave friends behind and completely vanish from the lives of people who are close to who I have hurt. Part of the problem is that I can't forgive myself, believing that everyone still remembers what I did, when in reality, nobody cares. Despite moving being somewhat a coward move, I would actually benefit from it. Moving to a safer state, somewhere you can leave your belongings unattended and not worry about it. A place where there is pickpocketing instead of carjacking at gunpoint. I will never have to smell plastic fumes again because my current neighbors are too poor to afford a stove and instead burn trash to cook food. The list goes on. Cheaper rent and groceries, better healthcare, less heat... I am stuck in this place for now. There's unfinished business around here that I can't give up. I'll probably figure it out somehow. What are your thoughts about this subject, lainons?? Here's a Luce gif to make your day better :DD :33

>>85905 I wanted to move to another country and regret not doing it when I had hope of a future from it now it doesnt feel like it would make a difference.

>>85905 consider how little you care about other people doing dumb soykaf and realize they think the same about you. There is no reason to be scared about your reputation in town. Job is a much better reason to leave. Generally if you highly specialized there's a high chance you need to move far. personally i want to move city cause the weather turned trash over last decade. We used to have nice weather, now it feels like the england meme where sun showing up causes mass panic since its an unknown object in the sky.

Do you know anyone that just really hates you for some reason? There is a person at my job who absolutely hates me and I have no clue why. We've only spoken once, and it seemed like a normal, friendly conversation. But she freezes, stops talking and glares at me whenever I enter the room and won't stop until I leave. Normally, I wouldn't care, but she is unfortunately friends with several of my friends. Worse yet, she's also the roommate of a good friend and the boyfriend of a guy I study with. I'm trying to figure out what her deal is so that I can fix it. Her one-sided antipathy makes it impossible to meet as a group.

>>85895 what makes you feel anything positive or connected to other ppl? hold on to what makes u see the physical world with some degree of conectedness

>>85910 It happens. She's trying to intimidate you. Just completely ignore her.

>>85905 > Don't you guys/gals ever feel like moving to another city/state/wherever that is far away from your current location, just so you could have a fresh start? You become a complete stranger, no one has been hurt by you, neither have people hurt you. You have the chance to cause a good first impression while using your prior knowledge from past experiences. You have the chance to avoid past mistakes. Not a good reason. You carry yourself with you everywhere. All of your fuarrrkups can be overcome/surpassed, probably, but they will stay with you like scar tissue.

>>85910 You are a villain in someone elses story. We all are. This is why you shouldn't care about opinions of others and do what you want.

>>85905 https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=8DOy4hCih7w

>>85910 This sort of thing used to happen to me what I thought was an abormal amount mainly because my mom also used to complain about it happening to her an abormal amount so I thought it was so familial behavioural curse. The reality is many just dont read into these things and dont notice them until someone says something. If you are hyperaware of peoples glares and demeanor you will notice a lot of people maybe immediately dont like you, I dont know if this is true for you but I am actually that way. I glare and can be cold just off a first impression, but also many times ive been like this with someone I come to find out later I like them alright or even a lot. Im thankful when someone pushes past my cold demeanor and I get to make a friend instead of being stuck in angry limbo, surely if they knew what I thought about them before they would never. We will maybe laugh about it after some years when I tell them what I thought of them before. Extend the same courtesy. You are probably absolutely right she is thinking mean spiteful thoughts about you, but shes keeping them as thoughts for a reason. She ultimately isnt sure yet, so dont worry about it. Sometimes people who are unaware of others body language or demeanor or social cues are just kind of stupid and careless but sometimes they got it right and with regards to this, they got it right. Its good to know that maybe someone is put off by you but until they speak ill of you dont treat that as if they actually said they hate you, act and move as if its nothing because ultimately it is. If you keep on as if you know she hates you it will reflect in your actions and she or you eventually will voice that and set it in stone, which isnt to say maybe she doesnt hate you right now for some reason. To reiterate cause this is my main point and I think its counterintuitive and easily glossed over as nonsense but I really want it to be clear; I dont doubt you can tell she dislikes you but she dislikes you in her mind not in material reality and until she says something to imply she is comitted to hating you dont even worry about it. Part of a basic respect i think is unfortunately treating people like free agents, we arent always free thinkers. So dont worry about the why's and what shes thinking, to truly hate someone is to be at a point where you make it known. You cant hold people to what you think they are thinking on principle, regardless if you are right. I know I wouldnt like it if people did that with me. Hang out with her included as a group anyways, never joining in when shes present just reinforces this cold war. Dont worry about it, dont change anything about yourself when shes there or try to appease her, either she will say something or come to see the good in you. Thats on her, this isnt your problem until she confronts you and remind yourself of that whenever you think about it. On the other end some of my biggest moments of growth came from talking to people who at one point didnt like me very much. When you get into those conversations you get to learn things about yourself others might not tell you, and decide for yourself whether the person might be onto something or whether you dont like what you are about. Dont be a pushover of course, but sometimes you hear something you wish someone told you earlier cause it was actually the check you needed. But who could have if you avoid anyone who is put off by you.

I hate those people that also tell everyone not to get them sick but they always get sick and never follow same soykaf they preach go around people when they are sick. Most of "these people" are bazillion boosted types but can't figure out why they are getting sick so much.

>>86003 have you considered some people just have weaker immune systems and thats why they are so worried about it and get all these boosters and flu shots, instead of assuming that you being able to do nothing is default. and no im not one of the people you are describing I rarely get sick im just not retarded and can think outside of myself.

I felt tired of self improvement and stopped. Life feels emptier yet oddly warmer now, the stress of being unproductive is more or less gone, and I feel better having accepted that being a high achiever at all costs is not one of my values and that I would rather chill. On a related note, I cannot take people who claim that dopamine is the root of all evil seriously anymore. Being forced to interact with people as part of my job made me see that the average normal person fares just fine professionally and socially despite bombarding themselves with inane short videos daily, way better than any wannabe digital ascetic.

>>86046 >I cannot take people who claim that dopamine is the root of all evil seriously anymore >Normal people are just fine professionally and socially Congrats on lowering your bar and making everything tolerable, if you really feel this way. But I don't belive you "self-improved" in any meaningful way with this sort of mindset. Either that or you misunderstood self-improvement in the first place and thought it was some materialist grind.

>>86054 Self-improvement is ultimately materialist grind. Everything else is pseudointellectual and masturbatory and meant to boost your ego.

>>86013 >The boosters & flu shots cause the weakened immune system... That was so stupid I actually laughed out loud. Dude, you don't have the first clue about how vaccines work.

>>86111 typical caveman thinking magic medicine man will heal him without drawbacks. Any doctor will comfirm you cant give vacc to sick patient because its additional load on immune system.

>>85895 Become Muslim and force some girls to marry you. Just trust me on this one. Don't ask. Do.

ppl are curses, simple as. they create only trouble and evil and are burdensome. the future is neetdom and im not saying that because i had to pick up my id at 7.40 in the morning and pay for it. i strongly, and utterly believe not everyone is made for the same soykaf. and those made for the bottom of society should proudly take their rightful place.

>>86191 The present is neetdom, the reason why everyone is so miserable these days is because they essentially live like recluses after finishing work. The most profitable businesses are tech businesses and they make money by data mining people's soykaf and selling ad spaces, there is therefore a vested interest in ensuring people are encouraged to stay at home, in front of the smart TV being fed ads every 5 minutes with an iPhone in hand as they idly pump more and more of their conscious into the Google-operated noosphere.

>>86193 My impression is tv users are 40+ if not 50+ everyone younger i know is either gaming or social media addicted if not both.

>>86193 I am alright with neetdom as long as I don’t have to work beforehand and my data is fed back to me only. A cozy little casket. I’m better off that way, everything else makes me sick.

>>86194 Smart TVs are YouTube and Twitch machines for younger people. >>86196 Well that's what is like kicking dead whales down the beach about it, it's not like you can decide that being a cozy comfy recluse is worth the lack of money and social isolation that comes from not working or working very little. You HAVE to work and you CANNOT expect to have disposable income or friendships as compensation, so you get the worst of both worlds. People wonder why 4chan is full of failed normal people and old people now, the fact is being a reclusive terminally online freak is just pretty common now.

>>86197 >being a cozy comfy recluse is worth the lack of money and social isolation that comes from not working or working very little. it kind of is. id rather chose the bleak honest nothing over the indulgent make-believe amongst money and social inclusion, where it starts with doubting their intention and ends with fighting for what i have worked for. im kind of disillusioned about the people inhabiting the world and that gives me the freedom to choose my costs

>>86061 >Self-improvement is ultimately materialist grind This is completely false and a bastardization of self-improvement. One of the first components of self-improvement is to reject the material. If you are doing it for sex, money, fame, looks, etc -- You are doing it wrong. You are intended to be doing it for yourself, your god, your family, your ancestors, your race, etc. You misunderstood it or bought in to some scheme (Nihilist egoists caused, and subsequently ruined, this. So, it's not particularly your fault btw.) >Everything else is pseudointellectual and masturbatory and meant to boost your ego. This is an inherently materialist perspective lol. Look, I won't write much more about it, but my responses are more to, and for, lurkers who could be impacted by this nihilistic nonsense. It was the climbing of, not the standing on, the mountain that was intended to help. All that aside, I am sorry that you misunderstood and thought big muscles would fix you. Good luck.

>>86210 > deal with all the tech why not make the tech yourself ?

>>86212 making tech is a subset of dealing with tech

>>86210 It's more about how all the tech doesn't actually help people at the bottom of society in a capitalist system so techbros should stop lapping up corporate cock instead of being misguided thinking they will reap all the benefits. Either the tech will be used against them or they just wont get to use it period not without subverting the technology as it was designed. It's why Lainchan revolves mainly around DIY, FOSS tech, and cybersecurity.

>>86210 Where did you get in your head that cyberpunk settings were anything but negative?

>>86241 it is basically weak organic machines depending on inorganic machine power to function(without getting full control of it ofc since that belongs to the companies)xD.

>>86264 What is llm? I am using ChatGPT to apply and the process would be much easier if companies would state clearer what their expectations are, maybe they have adapted to the fact that people are using ai. It’s a vent thread btw. not every thread needs a goal, make your own if you want one

>>86257 >>86258 You will do this till you find meaning. Mark my words, we will exist until we know the measure of existence as eternity, and then we will know the eternal.

>>86364 Pretty cool explanation, been looking for something like this but didn't think of visiting /x/

>>86406 Ok, I was too harsh and I apologize. It must be hell living in that situation. One thing to consider is that somebody who picks fights with people and forgets things like locking doors might have a hard time finding or keeping a job regardless of his age. If he gets diagnosed as mentally disabled because of it, he could qualify for state or federal disability benefits like ssi or medicaid. Whatever, and bring in a little money that way. I hope you and your family find some way to deal with it so it isn't as hard to live with. Hang in there.

>>86404 i wish i could say that it's worth living but i can't really say i think so

I think since racism is no longer considered acceptable gen z are using ugly men as their new scapegoat, I'm not that much of an outcast I have some friends, but even they're getting infected, for example recently I tell a story about an asshole coworker I get "what's he look like" I say he's kinda fat "oh yeah figures". I don't bother with small talk anymore as soon as I recognize someone is a normal person I just make it clear that I don't want to interact. I can't even go to small parties, I used to be able to go but now I can't interact with strangers, because it's always the same. >Go to place >Dap up the bros >Try to talk to someone new to work on my social anxiety >Get hit with 20 minutes worth of virtue signaling, maybe some traumadump >As soon as they get some alcool in their system they start roasting me Does anybody have the same problem or am I just a huge loser? I tried so hard to make it socially but it's like there's an unwritten rule that if you're a man and are unattractive or show signs of mental illness you are not welcome at parties, is that true? My friends keep telling me to go out and soykaf but I just get depressed and ruin the mood as soon as I get there. Also spam filter is broken again.

>>86466 Well I dunno, just keep at it until you get the hang of it. Nobody's perfect at it. Watch other people socialize and you might learn a few things. It isn't so much what you say as whether you just enjoy being around each other.

>>86458 im ugly and mentally ill and people love me at parties because instead of shovelling anything they say to me into dismissive arbitrary boxes of "virtue signal" or "traumadump"I actually listen to them in the moment and ask questions instead of just assuming whatever they are saying is stupid, something ive heard before, fits into xyz box, etc. anonymous online culture has trained you to filter people off of very surface level things they say (which could lead to much bigger discussions). Also don't hang out with people who make fun of you/hate you why would you do that?

Are people crazy now? I know there was a lot of talk in medical circles about mass public brain damage from covid. And it actually does seem like people act a lot crazier now, on the street, at the grocery store, the neighbors, the rental office, everywhere. Even Lainchan is crazier than it used to be. Sometimes it's almost like the worlds is just a big mental institution.

>>86517 producing semen drains zink from your brain, probable reason for chronic masturbation causing brainfog Either way if you do office work then touching grass is the way. And you should open windows and get fresh air every ~2-3h if you sit in a tiny closed room. Got a co² meter and measured 600->1800 took about 3h in my closed office room. Lack of oxygen naturally drops brain performance.

>>86497 Wish people in real life were this willing to listen

Driving home last night, noticed the road was changing color into thick read smears of pure hamburger meat, which i quickly realized was about 50 feet of what remained of a coyote (only its head, big fluffy ears, was left at the end of the meat smear) so i quickly maneuvered into the other lane so as not to further desecrate its remains,, only to sit at the stop light and watch 5 people plow through it without somuchas even a startled swerve around one of the biggest roadkill bloodbaths ive ever seen Aside, feel like im just barely grasping onto the threads of lucidity surrounded by consumers who are actually devolving cognitively, "madness of crowds" type soykaf but its literally just from looking at ai and propaganda on their feeds all day (my hypothesis) in their digital "crowd" >>86516 basically came here to post this same observation

I hate trannies. I hate them. The more I get to know them, the more I understand them, the more I hate them. I hate those who enable them. I hate those who tolerate them. It is a cold hatred, a slow one, which grew over the years, scornfully, contemptuously, piercing and sharp. I hate them with their angular faces, their scratchy and forced voices. They disgust me. No matter where I go online they show up. I don't want them to show up. I want them gone. I wouldn't feel this if they just shut up. If they left me alone and didn't pop up in the feeds. But they don't leave me alone and won't shut up about themselves. So now I want them gone. I want them dead. I want them physically rendered into a distant and forgotten memory.

>>86533 I don't care. I don't want to know them. That's part of the main issue. I want none of this. And yet it's forcefully pushed towards me.

>>86556 Man, just ask her out for pizza and a movie or something. She'll probably accept. And if she doesn't, at least you tried. That's a normal part of the game. You want to have successes, you have to shrug off some failures. Chad himself gets rejected sometimes. Go for it.

So, I have a dog I can't keep. He was originally rehomed after my ex-wife and I split, and the other day animal control dropped him off to me as he was registered to my address. It hurts because he's a good dog. He's sweet and goofy and funny. It pains me just looking at him and I feel so much guilt because it's completely out of my hands. It wouldn't matter so much if I was on my own but I'm such a fuarrrking loser and I lost everything so I'm staying at my parents while I figure out my stupid life. They're gonna be here in about an hour and I'm gonna have to talk to them. I already have two small dogs and I don't think they'll be happy about another one...I'm grateful I was able to keep the two I have, and it really hurts me that I can't change the course of this dog's fate, as much as I would like to...I just hope they are reasonable and give me the time to find him a good home because it's what he deserves. And yeah, boring and mundane first world problem, but I genuinely like animals more than humans so it's a bit taxing on me emotionally. I've rescued many animals in the past with my ex wife and that's one thing I've always tried to honor. Thanks for letting me vent.

>>86596 it was something my parents (a teacher and a psych masters) pushed for, i was seemingly not diagnosable with aspergers or autism classic, instead with PDD-NOS which is a mix of symptoms from both. when i retested as an adult, i score towards the severe end of moderate autism. My childhood experiences involved being very disruptive, and sometimes having difficulty cooperating. i began to speak earlier than most, but said only one word for longer. the cooperation difficulty went away very quickly, but i did always have an intense emotional investment in being correct about things and refusing to do assignments i thought of as stupid. as an adult i have a better memory than most people, strong drive for the truth, and difficulty with motivation for things that are cognitively dissonant or not an interest. i have more difficulty lying than most people, and i wouldn't call myself gullible but i have trouble others people lie as well. fortunately i find things like communication and systems, as well as new experiences to be interesting, and i know how to talk to and inspire others, although idk if i would call this masking: sometimes its just being autistic in the most charming way possible. I kind of want to join intertel or mensa just for trolling purposes.

>>86526 This except with people who think the unrestricted age of coomsent should be 16 or higher. Total agecvck death now.

>>86662 monero is based, euro is going down.

>>86662 If you want to live in a theocracy you can always move to Saudi Arabia or something.

>>86667 If you in the west, you are already in a theocracy practicing self flagellation for ancestral sins.

>>86670 Anon, the west isn’t a mono culture. Where I’m from there aren’t any colonial evils (which I assume you’re referring to when you say “ancestral sins”) that have been committed. The idea of the west as a monoculture is American propaganda to further the American oligarchy globally while dismantling local cultures.

>>86671 Germany & France drag the rest of EU into the mess they make. That aside i do agree that europe isnt a monoculture yet but i would also say US is doing its best to change that. American culture is infesting europe. For once due social media addicts living on american sites consuming american content and secondary through us corporations buying into europe and reshaping european corporate culture. Lastly the german finance minister is straight from blackrock. Dude denied post lockdown promised relief packages to german companies and then gave intel fat money stack to build a factory. Germany is basically an american colony and their major stakeholder position in EU means other eu countries get influenced by proxy.

i often worry about the soykaf i say being seen as ~schizo~ by people, it makes perfect sense to me and i think i know how to see things from an outside perspective still - looking at what i say without the unique connections i seem to make about it. i just know that i say a lot of unhinged soykaf and i feel fetishized for it. i feel like im just the hot crazy girl or some erudite professor whos completely lost in it, i try to tell people things they ignore and i wind up correct and then get apologized to but i didn't even want to be correct, i want things to not be as fuarrrking terrible as they always feel like they're going to be. and thats before i say anything to piss someone off. then im like a demon or something. like im literally speaking in tongues to them. most of the time anyone has ever actually treated my words as meaningful they were telling other people that i was an excellent liar and manipulator and they could get sucked into my soykaf and i would hurt them. so they shouldn't listen to me period. i want to say something like, 'i wish i could be as conceited and ignorant as all these people around me', but im sure i am in som way i just havent worked out yet. theres people who almost seem like theyre going to figure it out but then they do something horrific and betraying and i really dont want to be alive anymore, honestly. im surrounded by people who call me their friend, many feel close to or want closeness with me, sex often, but i cant escape the fear they some role for me they havent even realized because ive shown them things they couldnt imagine and i blow them off half the time . they let me do it because of love, i guess.

>>86676 >>86678 thanks guys. it made me smile

I started playing ai dungeon, and I made a scenario called Slave life in Sex Spa. It's based on this bdsm fantasy story I started but never finished. I wrote all the characters and places into story cards, and made a prompt that started out the same way my story did. It was pretty surreal to read a story about these things I had been fantasizing about for years, with some tweaking it was really similar to the way I imagined it The really interesting thing was when I rewrote the prompt to be like a dream, because the story was the supposed to start with the character asleep, and the ai just went with it and generated a dreamlike story with all the same characters but they were different versions of themselves in different version of the setting. The ai made me a guest at a resort on a tropical island, the femboy slave who was meant to be the main character of the story was kneeling totally naked next to the Madam when I arrived and she told me that he would be my personal servant for the duration of my stay. I made him kneel next to me while I was peeing, and I dressed him up in girl's clothes. There's like a fully staffed kitchen and dining area, and took him there and stuffed him full of breakfast foods, and I told him like what to eat and when. Now I'm gonna take him back to my private suite and shower with him. Its pretty cool but now I can't stop playing this game and I don't know if that's a bad thing or if this is healthy for me. I feel like I'm pretty addicted. Also, my supervisor is really into videogames, and she tried the game I told her about, so now I'm gonna play the game she told me about. She's way older than me and I really want to have sex with her. I hope that I have a chance with her, and that I can ruin my relationship with this company and make all my coworkers hate me.

merry christmas. happy holidays. i hope your tear wasn't too bad.

>underaged cousins asking me for cigs 24/7 and then throwing a fit when I don't want to give them any >younger cousins pulling my cat by her tail and sticking lasers in her eyes >alcoholic aunt who hasn't seen me in 4 years keeps talking about how cool her son is, riding a motorcycle and telling me to not talk to him about video games or he'll get mad (I haven't played video games in the last 10 years >younger kids are in my room so I can't even rest >they keep opening my laptop and trying to guess my password so they can play games >"hey lainon, why aren't you talking?" Family gather-ups are more annoying than ever

>>86713 i thought my family was toxic but hearing how much worse yours is really made me feel better. thanks lainon

Today I realized something very important that I should have realized a long time ago: If you cut yourself off from society, you become society's target.

>>86746 welcome to the club <3 you can always create a parallel society tho

i got canceled in my scene recently by deliberately ticking off some people who rubbed me the wrong way and i regret it every day. some of the friends i still have from that treat me like a social liability and it hurts more than the cancel did - the people who actually believed it were nobodies who i was never going to talk to anyway, the "friends" who continued to talk to me but as a dangerous object, or opportunistically treated our relationship as a power game that they could leverage false allegations in... who pretended not to know me at events before texting me and even trying to fuarrrk sometimes. i dont like people

im poorer than my parents parents poorer than my grandparents grandparents fuarrrking rich from asset inflation parent died no money to deal with dead parent im fuarrrking tired

>>86791 Just be practical. If you have no money, and your parents didn't prearrange for their own passing, then all you can do is ask a local church to allow a memorial service, and then have their remains cremated. If you want to, you can bury their ashes in some remote location yourself for free. That's better than paying some commercial businesses for a lot of phony, hollow, profiteering ceremony anyway.

>>86788 >since then, ive change up my approaches considerably by avoiding drama and finding new people who are more kindhearted. You are already doing the right thing. Be kindhearted yoursef, too, when you can be. Let go of the past and the memories that torment you. When they come knocking, refuse entry.

>>86788 > but like i said i am still being targeted from a number of toxic characters from a long time ago and getting them out of the picture would be a good idea too. bruh that is out of pocket but if you got a good pookie then that can help u get your rizz and secure the bag so to speak no cap

>tfw no autistic friend to do autistic things with

>>86812 sounds like you're gay Cure is to get over yourself, remember the alamo, and shout YEEEEHAWWWWW at the top of your voice. If at the end of all this you are still depressed then follow the path of national hero Davy Crockett and go out in a blaze of glory slaughtering mexicans (or survive and go to jail and get all the craziest chicks you could ever dream of).

got prescribed benzos my utter disapointment theyre not relaxing or calming. barely make me sleepy realise im abusing prescription meds to kill time if i cant kill time i want kms thats just life i suppose i fuarrrking hate life i felt ok yesterday y do i feel terrible today i had the most pathetic drem lastnight is that y?

>drunk guy comes at me while I'm sitting near the store smoking a cig >he gives me 10 bucks >starts talking about how it's from god >he buys me a beer and a pack of cigs >he gives me 40 more bucks >we drink the beer together >we walk back to the store to get more beer because he insisted >purposefully light up a cig before we hit the store >tell him to go in while I smoke the cig >while he's in, I end up running away I'm fully aware that I'm the asshole in this but I still feel bad

>>86836 smoke is bad for your skin and also fuarrrks your sperm taste

Please please please have some fuarrrking miracle happen to me. I am tired of this soykaf.

Moving out of my parents' house into an apartment. I'll live in the worst part of town and will have to carry a knife just to leave and enter my apartment (just in case) There are needles in the stairwell and it smells like piss. I barely have money for food, I will need to optimize the spendings to get the best nutrition from the money I'll spend. I cannot afford furniture. Thought about furnishing my apartment with a shopping cart and carboard boxes. Maybe I can build my own furniture from OSB boards. At least I have a big dinner table and leather chairs, I guess that's already fine living.

>>86848 Are you retarded? Revenge isn't the same as wanton assault, lex talionis is one of the oldest and most battle tested law. Though I wonder if it'll really give any kind of closure to Anon, eh.

i think we found a combo of drugs that help with my depression, but now im empty i feel ok, calm ig but now theres nothing. i still dont want to do anything. feeling miserable and not having motivation.... might be better than feeling caalm and not having motivation. i really dont know wat to do im a failed person. i got fixt, only to fail again. happy new year lains the void is real. i cant plug it. lifes soykaf. i curse my parents. im too old to be like this

>>86886 >>86888 Yes it is fixable, but it won't fall in your lap. You need to work to better yourself and become someone worth loving - not to a woman but to yourself. People always say, if your ideal girl knocked on your door today, would you be ready to greet her? You need to build that mindset and then focus on socializing and until its established socializing will be difficult. Now how do you actually "work on yourself" and what does it entail? It depends on entirely on what you want but i'd suggest starting to do things to increase your confidence. This may mean getting a haircut, a new wardrobe, hitting the gym, etc. You can keep your hobbies but maybe avoid any that feel shameful to yourself (doesn't matter what others think). As an example, I was in a similar situation previously but managed to "escape". For me this meant quitting porn and (largely) video games and starting to build a gym habit. It's done wonders for my mental health, especially right now where I don't have much going on in life and it keeps me sane and stops me from retreating into my hole, forcing me to keep getting out each day and maintain socialization. I'm not too social myself but I've met a girl at work before and experienced getting intimate with her, before stopping of my own volition. I'll say this it felt very natural and I have no doubt I could have similar experiences should I go out more, but it's honestly not that important to me personally.

>>86913 it must be so hard to be you brah

>>86913 >The next day she was openly using tinder. I was distraught, jealous and manic Did you tell her that? Getting overly attached to people, then getting jealous and doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do is a big dummy moment. Not judging though, I'm a dumbass too, just in a different way

Increasingly, I find myself disappointed with all of the people I observe and interact with. I feel alone not in the sense that I am unable to interact with others, but that I reside in a world where practically nobody thinks nor acts like I do. I have spent so much time reevaluating my thoughts, positions, and opinions in solitude that I have forged a new path for myself; to set foot where nobody has before, it would be silly of me to expect company. I have spent years observing the interactions of a very wide variety of people; informally, I've gathered enough data for myself to be satisfied, and the rise of easily-accessible LLMs has deteriorated the previous likelihood of authenticity in others' musings online (not that all was purely authentic beforehand, anyway, given the prevalence of profit-oriented "social" services prioritizing engagement & shaping the delivery of content for that goal, and governments the world over employing psychological operations to their benefit) so I have shifted to mostly solitary activities, and further secluded myself. I have no reason to live, no desire to die; my existence consists of an infinitesimally small amount of struggle, survival is no issue. I am, and nothing more. I fill my time with the refinement of my own mind, the honing of my abilities, but towards no overall purpose beyond my circumstantial self-interest & the prevention of idle hands. Any dreams I've had are too big to complete within my lifetime, and anything less brings me no fulfillment. That which I desire is at odds with my functioning. I am lost.

>>86913 damn man, wouldn't want to be in your shoes Memes aside, my suggestion is to be a bigger man and just have honest and direct communication style women love passive aggressivness, and making you jealous and each other jealous and whatnot you should just tell each one how you feel about them

I just applied to trade school. It's a hard one to get in to. I won't know if I got in until March. Also soykaf is iffy w/ the gf right now. I don't know what she wants. I wouldn't let her come over right after I got nose surgery, and she was very upset. She wanted to sleep on the floor, and I was scared of tripping over her in the night and hitting my face.

I just want to tell everyone that is in a really bad place, to just take care of the little things and avoid negative thoughts, and things will work themselves out. Shower, eat some food, drink water, sleep, go for a walk, etc.

>>86921 >gf >nose surgery >afraid of tripping over her while shes on the floor what kind of life do you lead mister thats bizzare

>>86919 There's no point in a life where you didn't at least try to tackle the impossible while looking, still, at what the infinite void has to say through the other.

>>86914 While I appreciate the envy, it's not easy. I know a lot of guys don't have access to women, but when you reach that stage there's an entirely different set of problems and it's tough. Harder to have and lose than never have to begin with. I reach new heights but never attain happiness. >>86915 >Did you tell her that? I did not and have not. I actually confessed that I liked her yesterday and she was surprised, somehow. She thought I wasn't serious about anything because I make out with her friends. I told her I was serious and could focus on her entirely. She said she wasn't sure what she thought, didn't want to see each other, but said that we'd see each other soon. I feel like I fuarrrked everything up and wish I told her I liked her when we slept together, it seemed unnecessary! She's been messaging but I don't really know where to go from here. I guess I just have to wait, which is the worst. Anticipation kills me and I've been basically bedridden because of it. Sometimes it feels like it's over and others like something is beginning. I know it would be bad, but I have a desire to sleep with my other friend again. I want to feel another human's warmth and to commiserate together. I feel like I'm being tempted by lust fueled by loneliness. >>86920 You're right, clearly communication is key and I'm not as obvious as I had thought. Maybe I should tell her I'm jealous, but I'm not sure it would be the move anymore. I don't want to come on too strong. I'm basically a virgin in a non-virgin's body.

Somewhere along the way I ended up on the wrong path. I heard temptation and gave in to it. I started enjoying not just the pleasure of hedonism but the feeling of wrongness and perversion that came from pushing the limits further and further. What felt wrong and what I considered immoral became what I pursued. It was easy. After I became independent I was completely alone most of the time. There were no people who knew me closely and there was no one to act as a touchstone for what right and wrong looked like in the context of intimacy and sexuality. When I was in my personal bubble, alone in my private space, I became the sole arbiter of these things, and what I thought was degenerate or perverted became fuel for my journey. In the few moments where my sense of reason reasserted itself I could only muster a sense of disgust and despair, never the willpower necessary to reverse my course, nor the fine touch to undo the knots in my mind. I immersed myself in disordered symbols not to find their meaning but because of their disorder. At times it seems as if I am two different people sharing a body. I would like the struggle between them to end soon so I may rest.

The internet becoming a "walled garden" is kinda scaring me. Everywhere you look IP ranges are blocked, your posts are deleted, you can't post unless your acount's 3 months old with 1000 karma, you're not seen unless you have 1000 followers, humans are drowned out by AI. Discord is the only place left where people can just freely chat. Like is this dynamic gonna last...? Will we be able to chat online in 5 years? If socializing online becomes impossible I'm just kinda screwed. It's been so long since I made friends IRL that it's probably not gonna happen again Also here's a snail I painted

>>86930 I basically turned this into my own vent so there's no need to read it >Everywhere you look IP ranges are blocked, your posts are deleted, you can't post unless your acount's 3 months old with 1000 karma, you're not seen unless you have 1000 followers, humans are drowned out by AI. As somebody who routes everything through Tor and browses mostly with JS off, believe me, it's 50 times worse here. Lainchan and ljs are the only places where I can freely express my opinions without needing to verify my email and/or phone number. The internet does suck in this current day and age and I don't believe that discord is an exception, it's just forums for the youth but way more invasive and cruel. The part that is like kicking dead whales down the beach the most in the current day is that the web splits itself up since political parties just hate hearing other opinions, which is why Reddit is being flooded to the brim by leftist nonsense (r/pics is the best example of this) and 4chan is pretty much a nazi' bunker. You could argue that twitter is different but the algorithm still blocks people into their own personalized echo chambers that they'll most likely stay in forever due to the echo of your words being said in a different manner being so addictive IMO pre-algorithm internet socialization (IRC, imageboards etc) are the best way of living a balanced life while still being on the internet as long as you don't join sites that are specifically made to cater to a specific audience i.e kohlchan and pedophilia. It's not restricted to the internet either, I'm sure every country has a few political channels and they're all, also made to cater to a specific audience (but they can't go into too much into the niches so they pick the most known beliefs, e.g America with democracy and republicanism) what if I'm neither of those and I want to stay up to date with what's going on around me? Well, though luck because either of these channels are going to shape you into being one or another despite you telling yourself "that you're not going fall for the propaganda" I'm kinda drifting off though so I'll stop Also nice snail

>>86943 >I don’t enjoy killing flowers for decoration so I’ll probably try to get some plastic ones Maybe we are different but plastic flowers make me feel bad. They remind me of proles with bad habits and lack of taste. Instead buy live plants in pots. Choose one with low light needs, apartments usually count as low light environment. Also try to get one with low watering needs, so they don't die if you forget to water them for a week.

>>86944 While plastic plants are indeed a bit sad, it can’t be worse than what I currently have. Also, I simply don’t want the responsibility for living plants. I want to be flexible to leave my apartment for a few weeks without worrying about the plants. Yeah there are solutions for that like drip systems and automated watering. I might look into it if I get some money.

i wish the only person i ever felt a thing for wasn't so morbidly traumatized and distrustful. i wish that her stalker hadn't gotten ahold of her nudes and posted it on the internet. i wish that she didn't surround herself with violent people to cope. that she didn't seek out toxic relationships like that in the first place. i wish i had physically intervened when i saw her getting physically abused instead of hiding and calling the cops like a coward. maybe if i handled that situation differently then things would be different for us both

I miss my ex so much. It has been a year since we split, pretty messy break up. She has a lot of issues, both body and mind. I have been watching her social media posts and she is in a pretty bad place. I really wish that when we broke up I could have been cool about it and gave her what she wanted at the moment, being friends, but, I couldn't do it and I sperged out constantly, begging for us to be together. I really miss her a lot and I don't understand why it has been so hard. She is far from being a healthy person but I don't care at all. I really love her wholly and acknowledge how much of a person she is in this world. It makes me feel like maybe I am not as in tune with myself and the world as I thought I was, because of how I handled the breakup and really went about it by becoming a child whose mother is leaving them and crying to her, begging to please stay with me "I can figure it out, plz. I promise, I know that I can become less scared and insecure. I don't want you to leave me, I am begging you." What a bunch of pathetic drivel I am experiencing.

>>86994 you can't fix people or control them. that's part of the whole deal >everyone gets one free stalker / abusive ex / rapist ex card do you mean how person who says all their exes / >2 exes are crazy may be a red flag? if so I think I understand but I've been abused by more than 2 people who wanted me romantically as well. >>87001 I am female. and she isn't a weak personality at all, yes she lacks confidence and turns to people she's smarter than then does retarded things for them (as opposed to me, obviously, I only have the best moral advice). but when she becomes determined about something nothing can change her mind. she's been like that since we were both kids and frankly I still find it admirable. or maybe we're both just that stubborn

>>87022 people are strong and weak in different ways, i think. i think will still exists in those people on some level but due to the layers of indirectness and self-deceit, it comes out in twisted ways. i think that the solution isn't to crush that will with emotional manipulation and lies, aggression or brutality but to give them better examples of what autonomy looks like. i think theres value in meeting people where they're at, seeing things from their point of view, and identifying common or shared experiences. without projecting of course.

Olde Pee here. I am finally starting to do all the things I struggled for so many years to do. >have no friends >have no sexuality >abstain from alcohol >abstain from synthetic substances >dont smoke cigarettes or weed >have no phone >minimal computer/internet use The list goes on, and it feels absolutely fuarrrking amazing. I liken the joyus miracle of this experience, this struggle to attain to my desires, this relief and wonder as: >me running in the room with a full blown chefs attire carrying myself hogtied like a cooked pig on a silver platter to a table where God and my Teachers are waiting for me equally as eager as I am to devour the fruits of my previous labors, both the "sins" and the "righteous" thereof, putting to death the old and digesting it to give rise to the new, before setting the platter down I jump and click my heals to the delight of all >myself being so overly rejoiced that I start acting like Syd Barrett the time he came by the studio for the recording of Shine on you Crazy Diamond and was jumping up and down brushing his teeth with no hair or eyebrows and a beer belly. I feel like a horse chomping at the bit, plowing the Elysian Fields and raising a fresh crop of Ambrosia from the fecundate nurturing of my own soykaf and piss. 2025 is the year. Lets fuarrrking go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha7HY1DtZtw

>>87046 I also relate. Let me follow this up by mentioning that while you can understand others, their mental processes, their personalities, customs reasons for being and decision making, this does not actually help in feeling any less alienated. In fact it generally makes it worse and can lead down some very ugly rabbit holes others like you and me don't manage to come out from. But more than autism I think there's always that tacit understanding of others you get the moment you fail to integrate. Being alienated helps you observe a little bit more rationally (when you're not getting your soykaf kicked in by a mob, anyways).

>>87045 >>87047 I like to define it as "A certain combination of genes switched on in my brain to make me a slightly different species from every other person". Only my father is like me. Actually, once you accept that you really are one-of-a-kind it becomes a lot less painful, because you stop holding yourself to standards that weren't designed for you and that make zero sense when applied to yourself. Rather than responding emotionally to anything the majority of people do or say, you can just stand back and judge it intellectually as if you were observing a pack of monkeys, because that's sorta how they stand to you already.

>>87054 See, this is what I mean. For me, talking to 99% of people is hopeless because when I say what I actually feel, you get confused because the experiences are too different and you either ignore me or assume something negative and get hostile. This is basically equal to telling somebody "Hey I'm gonna get lunch, be right back", and they always say, "Lunch? You're getting LUNCH? You think you're so much better than me that you're just gonna go out and get lunch??" To me, I'm often just saying something normal and people lash out, they'll call me names or say I'm lying or whatever. In a far-off corner like this you'd expect not to be wildly misunderstood, but even here it happens. Despite the fact I'm sane, English no longer feels useful to me, because there's no real possibility of being understood.