Self hatred, masochism and self-destructive behavior

I've realized recently that I actually hate myself. Not really sure why but it makes a lot of sense thinking about it. I've always been willing to take physical damage for unimportant things, or to try to impress a girl I liked. Willing's the wrong word, I seek it out. Makes the stuff I get off to make a lot more sense too, I really just have self destructive tendencies. Any lains understand/share this feel? Tell me your stories or the crazy soykaf you've done to feel like you can justify your existence.

my boyfriend does this but I think shes just freaky like that

>>84638 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_drive You might be interested in this, haven't read Freud myself though

>>84646 Honestly not the worst theory I've heard, freud was a pseudoscientist but I also have always had more of a drive for violence/competition than for sex and love.

>>84641 did you mean girlfriend?

Since this thread's pretty slow I'll include some funny examples to give me a bit more dopamine: -as a teenager, I cut myself so that this girl I was obsessed with would like me (it kinda worked to get her to kinda care, but I hadn't grown yet so it didn't really work) -I then developed a habit of regularly cutting because I liked it -I eventually took up lifting, training to the point of regular overuse injuries -because I'm now big and scary, recently I would enable this mean older girl who I was too scared to ask out say a lot of fuarrrked up things to people in our uni lectures, with whatever STEM twigboys that were in there being scared to say anything back because I'm sitting there like a pit bull(that one always gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside) -kinda just trying to get said girl's attention when she clearly didn't like me back (I was bulking and my jawline was gone lmao, her attitude changed once it came back) -generally just obsessing with and pedestalizing any love interests I've had This isn't really that relevant, just some pulp to try to get people to respond to the thread because I don't have some flavor of the month girl to obsess over rn

I had a somewhat similar realizaition not too long ago. To be honest im not too sure what i hate really, i do hate being in this filthy disgusgusting world, the me that exists is a farce, a display of fakeness imposed by the very world and people i have grown to despise. When people engage with me or helped me i feel disgust and guilt. Thinking about it all i have always despised living and life here in general, everything feels fake and pointless. To quote from the movie american psycho, which very well explains how some people really are and feel. There is no real me, only an entity, something losery and tough i can hide my cold gaze and can feel my hand gripping yours and maybe even sense our lifestyles are probably comprable i simply am not there. I used to engage in active self destructive behaviour, now i simply dont care and want to watch the world and its people suffer. To impose active suffering on myself seems needless and dull also redundant. Really im just full of rage and haterated against almost everything and would gladly take it out on anything given the chance.

i used to be into BDSM, but it only ever seemed appropriate with one partner after i learned about god and respecting women and crap the urge really did efface itself there gets to be a point though, women will just sit there and annoy you and test your limits by saying stupid opinions they don't even really believe, i say women but really more bottoms as a class, want to be slapped around and told they're wrong. they're wearing a 'kick me' sign that anyone can read in a microsecond just by reading the body language before indulging in it used to lead to ecstacy but nowadays appeasing brats or whatever is just laborius tedium that ends up nowhere it seems like, uh, i don't know i used to have that disconnect and need to fill the empty void with violent psychotic fantasies, but once i explored my own limits and learn to heal from childhood trauma the pain part of it lost its edge or appeal being humiliated or dehumanized is kind of the final frontier, because one's sex role given as society's label and not transgressing taboo becomes all-important for Good Adult Humanoid Primates who Behave but i feel like there is a point where you can fully exit society and exist not-even-in-relation to it not many juicy details to add, as i more ask myself why? these days and try to logicly attach words and symbols to the energies to discharge them rather than blindly engage and have them discharge my energies wink wink

>>84712 This happened to me reverseways as the "bottom" which on some level I still enjoy but not to the same extant. Once I had this realization that other people arent magically better than me, that no one is going to magically save me, and that really my life just comes down to me, other people having power over me ceased feeling safe and more frightening. I still like girls who are pushy like I have a friend in a class who I purely initially became friends with because her body language is very "man coded" and it fascinated me . Stuff like kicking her feet up on someone elses chair, grabbing something when she needs it, not really paying mind to others etc. They are actually very sweet and caring and these days its more like wow this person seems very bold and competent rather than fantasizing about some violence they might inflict on me. The other aspect I liked about it is it meant I didnt have to initiate sex which I used to be much less scared about someone making me uncomfortable and far more scared about making someone else uncomfortable. To some extent im still this way except if someones making me uncomfortable I flat out tell them, this unfortunately makes me a hard person to be intimate with cause I think to other people it seems random when I decide I dont want to be touched and when I do and im never the one to touch first. With this realization that others dont universally somehow know something I dont came a flood of kind of unhandled paranoia and distrust I have around others ive had since a child but was sort of suppressed for awhile with this idea that im scum or incompetent. As others who have related in this thread I was a self harmer as well to a kind of extreme level it was like borderline religious or something to me. One day though I accidentally seriously injured myself and the fear and panic that ensued made me never want to again and I guess reminded me that I do in fact care about my body and my hate for it was only skin deep (no pun intended). What I think now is that most actually on some level are self critical and self loving to equal amounts but not everyones cognizant of both sides and so the experience feels as if you must hate yourself (or be a narcissist on the other end) I think its less that me and other people like me like harming ourselves and more are not internalizing on an emotional level what we are doing as harmful, because its hard to do if there is a disconnect there. You can kind of consciously remind yourself all you want that say cutting yourself is harmful it hurts it does damage and that being hurt makes us scared and sad, but it takes a lot of that for a lot of time or some kind of miracle/nightmare moment for it to connect in the pit of your stomach and have those feelings enter your sort of conscious again. And by conscious I just mean like your perception your awareness. I guess what im saying is inside of you are two wolves, the one that intuitively wants to avoid being hurt and feels badly when they are hurt and the one who comes up with reasons and rationalizations and hurts yourself to try and make you never feel hurt again. Its like those people who cant feel pain who accidentally scratch their eyes out in their sleep. The less you allow yourself to feel hurt and see the danger the more you are okay with actually hurting yourself like in reality its almost like affirmation that you cant be hurt. Or maybe its as simple as some of us were told to suck it up when we got hurt and cried and then were rewarded or praised when we did get hurt and didnt react, thats practically conditioning you to feel rewarded when you get hurt.

i want to keep exploring this topic cause on the one hand i'm over it and don't really care the same way i did during late teen development phase on the other, i've been exploring not just my memories but my 'imprint' of that time in order to understand myself better i'm mostly ambivalent but at the same time there's a lot to unpack, for those of us with exposure to the raw unfiltered internet during our sexual development phase there's a lot of grotesque nonsense in there dude, its like, what is it? what is the drive? what is it about experiencing pleasure/pain as one or non-different? its almost a rebellion but every generation has their own set of symbols attached... what turned on the ones whomst baby-boomed was fishnets, hemp and jazz, for us its computers, chinese cartoons and women being tortured... there's an evolutionary advantage to doing this right, but it can be like walking a razors edge, you want to make a 'mistake' (according to the old guard) but if you fuarrrk up too much you're going to die as the loser edging himself closer to oblivion... which is why they keep 70-80-90 year olds 'on top' so that there is a wide gulf to rebel against... its also a short-circuit to getting your point across, in a ritual setting you can communicate more with a slap than a 10,000 hour lecture and it'll stick on a deeper level in one sense, there's a pointless/fruitless 'perverted' use of just acting out one's various untreated neuroses and letting them enjoy pandemoneum on the other, you can use the same state to access and work with higher intelligences, it can be used for control but also self-liberation from control structures

>>84763 Op here. I'm also at the age where that development phase is behind me by a couple years, so I can look back at it now and I'm kind of realizing I just fuarrrked myself up, thinking about why I am the way I am instead of just thinking "that's just my nature"