how to overcome avoidant personality?

Do any lains suffer from avoidant personality traits? Is there away to overcome this? Inability to make decisions, avoiding problems rather than coping with them, constant fear of failure, ending relationships because you think your not good enough or only dragging other people down. How do you overcome this? Are there any drugs I can use? Professional therapy is too expensive and I can't afford it. e.g. of what I'm talking about: I've been on good terms with someone but due to personal reasons I haven't kept in touch. I decide to talk to them again but I'm worried I'll upset them or I've offended them so I decide to put it off and focus on other things. Its been nearly 3 years. We live in the same town and I even have their number, but I'm too afraid to resume regular texting. Whenever I go outside, I chose to avoid anything that involves interacting with people. It takes me hours to work up the courage to check my emails and email someone for something, even if its important. I got my first professional wage and decided I'd buy myself something nice to celebrate, its been two years since then and I've bought nothing because I can never decide. I got accepted to college but the idea of attending and looming fear of failure gives me the shakes and the deadline ended up passing. Never been in a relationship because I'm convinced I suck as a human being. I avoid going outside during the daylight or do anything that involves interacting with another human, unless I really have to. Anyone been through something similar? Its ruining my life. How the hell do I get over this?

>>83973 Go ahead and fail. That's how you learn. Expertise in any field or endeavor is directly proportional to how many of the things that can be done wrong you have actually already done wrong. If you feel like it, read "Feeling Good" by Burns. Best damned "self-help" book ever written, and the only one I'd ever recommend. Most self-help books are utter soykaf.

I have no idea. I have some characteristics of avoidant personality but it seems a bit more like C-PTSD. I find it easier to go out and interact with people with sunglasses because i dont have to worry about if im accidentally staring at someone or where my eyes wander.

Yes and im not entirely through with it, its kind of a never ending struggle. You overcome avoidance in one way and then something else crops up more grey each time and it becomes hard to tell if its rational to avoid something or not. Or if it matters even that its rational. For example I have a friend ive been avoiding because at one point we discussed having a relationship and my partner gets very jealous and upset every time I go see them now. Keep in mind they arent truly stopping me, they understand this is their problem to work through, for some people this would be an obvious you cant do that but in our relationship we agreed we werent going to let jealousy rule these things from early on. Still I never reach out to them and sort of reluctantly and slowly respond to them asking to hang out because I want to avoid upsetting my partner. This dilemna is kind of same as its always been, if you have learned to avoid to cope the only thing that can really beat it out is something more valuable or sacred to push you. I never wanted to be in a relationship that would keep me from friends, morally. Every time I avoid this person I trample what I think is morally right independent of what anyone else says, and I trample on the only thing thats truly mine I have to guide me, which is my own sense of right and wrong. The first time I realized this it was a friend who was deeply upset by my "abandoning" of him seemingly out of nowhere and when he needed someone most. I never thought thats what I did. It didnt cross my mind, when I learned that it had caused that harm not being avoidant (in that way) became a moral obligation. People abandoned me all the time, I was so fixated on that fact, that I couldnt imagine someone would even care if I left their life. So not only was I harming them I was reinforcing my own harm. Theres a million excuses I could think up, im not your parent, people leave it happens, I was going through my own soykaf too, etc. But at its core I know the truth is I was just being avoidant. If you dont allow the excuses and just sit with the fact that you are being avoidant of something you know and want to have an obligation to, eventually you have to stop being avoidant of it.

>>83973 There is a possibility that humanity will be presented with a binary choice and both will lead to death and destruction. Some few will not be able to chose either one. This is why you are special. This is your survival mechanism and why you are the way you are. Don't let other people make you think there is something wrong with you. Be at peace.

>>83984 I really wish people would stop saying stuff like this. Its just an excuse to dig yourself deeper into the hole and stay there.

depression and anxiety both have the same root cause of avoidance start leaning in to fear and uncertainty. listen to it - as it manifests as tension in the body this can really become your greatest skill/power rather than drawback act unceasingly what helped me was working with Fudo Myo-o to develop prajna. wisdom that never breaks, there is no 'gap' in the west everything is like swiss cheese, there's holes, gaps between everything, even our music, there's no background drone, no hum of Om, which leaves room for the mind to get stuck repeat some mantra over and over a set amount of times each day, or sit for zazen, and consciousness that was compressed will unfold first do closed-eye meditation to reach the source within, then bring that out with open-eye meditation -- that essence you touched is also 'out here'. be with yourself anywhere, there will be nothing to avoid because it is all 'yourself' also, this is stupid advice but get a notepad and write down your goals. i hate this advice because it usually comes from people who's goals are "work for a boss so you can pay rent to a landlord until you are extinguished", but it does tend to make solving the problems that much easier

like the other lain said, you're afraid of failing. you're too afraid, it's preventing you from living your life. i did the same thing, i still do to some extent. stop caring so much about failing, try and fail, and you'll get better. eventually your failures won't harm you emotionally so much. it applies to basically everything. the goal of course is not to fail, but it will happen, and you'll learn from it.

I'll argue in favor of avoidance when it's not harmful. It's often the right choice. Avoidance of human relationships you don't want or need rids you of bad karma that will often, almost always, come back for you (your social instincts are a wager made unconsciously: knowing others will help you in the long term, or so it went back then, but in our current society it's a losing bet, you're much better off choosing your acquaintances wisely through your interests and values). Avoidance of information that's not in service of a greater interest or purpose will free your mindspace up to more helpful and introspective thoughts and ideas. Avoidance in nature usually means safety from harm, a winning move in lack of play, which is why it comes to us instinctively. Sometimes it's necessary to act, and often you'll have to make decisions in purely random environments with the odds stacked against you, and there's no answer for that: but avoiding being put in those types of situations is often a choice you can, and should, make.

>>83973 Hey, not sure I have an avoidant personality disorder or something else but I suffer from the same problems as your describe. Maybe it's just depression, borderline personality disorder or something else, idk. I tried professional therapy but it did not help as I don't really want to talk about it. Doctor gave me xanax and at first it felt like a life hack; Xanax makes your mind go blank and you simply don't care so it helped a lot with social interactions. BUT I would not recommend it, after a few months you need higher dosage and you end up craving it, I had a really hard time stopping taking it. It's way too addictive and makes you too sleepy and dumb. Weed doesn't help either, smoked daily for 10+ years and it ends up making you feel worse in the long run, you keep asking yourself questions you shouldn't ask and your anxiety goes up. So I stopped. One night I said fuarrrk it, let's go to college. Mind you I'm 28yo and I worked graveyard shifts my whole life to avoid social interactions.. So here I am starting college with people 10 years younger than me. I know it's gonna be hard af but I think forcing yourself to be around people often is the only real solution. I believe in yourself Anon as I want to believe in myself and to don't fuarrrk this up. Take care. I will post updates about my journey here if I find the time. >>83999 >when it's not harmful If it makes you suffer from being alone like OP describe, it is harmful. I mostly agree with you, I don't think you need a lot of friends around you to be happy, but try not to push it too much. Had the same mentality and I realized years after that I'm starting to suffer from it. Even as I'm in a relationship with someone, not interacting with other humans can be hurtful longterm. We are a social specie as much as I wanted not to be the case. I'm not saying everyone will need to be social, just be careful.

>>84011 I'm not saying you 100% shouldn't be social, either. Just that you really are better off not dealing with retards or playing their games. At all. Don't force yourself to be social or fit the mold of sociability, all you're fishing for is waste in that case.

>>84014 Oh yeah I get you. I don't know how old you are but I feel like it's easier to don't give a fuarrrk about that kind of games the older I get, easier to spot genuine people haha

>>83993 Why? I think it's true. I think there are people who find themselves in analysis paralysis situations because they find of all the common choices unpleasant and unappealing. If you take the perspective that they are psychologically unwell because they do not want to do what other people tell them to, they will dig into a deeper hole unless or until their spirits are broken. I don't know how you could call that healthy or a healing process. If, on the other hand you take the perspective that there is not something wrong with them they will feel free to find third, fourth, fifth, or unlimited numbers of non-standard approaches and solutions to any situation. This is an excellent thing for the individual and for all people in the end. Baa.

The DSM is a load of trash. Be very wary if someone who makes a buck out of the misery of others, diagnoses you as sick. Also, don't use it to 'self-diagnose' (ESPECIALLY if you're untrained) because you'll always find something. The DSM also warns of this in its introduction, calling it the 'students disease' However, in regards to your inquiry: sounds to me you have low self-esteem due to a lack of practice on the fields you describe and thus avoid doing these things. Failure, and properly dealing with it to grow, is vital for for getting good at something, so this advice here is a good one >>83977

>>84022 I don't think OP was trying to self-diagnose. That's why he went on to tell everything he feels wrong about him ("Inability to make decisions, avoiding problems rather than coping with them, constant fear of failure, ending relationships because you think your not good enough or only dragging other people down."), he was just trying to put a label on it. But you're right, people shouldn't try to self-diagnose. That's why we have tiktok babies labelling themselves and then acting like a parody of it. >The DSM is a load of trash. Be very wary if someone who makes a buck out of the misery of others, diagnoses you as sick. No, if someone is hurting enough to go see a therapist and try to feel better, it's good to have some kind of manual where you can group symptoms. DSM goal isn't to put a label on your traits, prescribe you the most popular pills for said label to fix it and call it a day, it's just a guide in a trial and error treatment. Any professional thinking he can fix you just by reading it like a step by step youtube tutorial doesn't deserve to be a professional. Calling it "trash" is just wrong imo, you just don't understand how it should be used (by professionals, not yourself). >Failure, and properly dealing with it to grow, is vital for for getting good at something, so this advice here is a good one >>83977 Yes. OP gotta realize no one is perfect and everyone make mistakes. Including him. And people don't really care if you fail. Sure he's gonna disappoint some friends, girlfriends or whatever at some point in his life but that's just how things work. If he can't tho, seeing a professional might help. Some people just can't do anything and stay stuck for years not trying anything. Here is some stuff I learned from seeking help myself: -Try to identify any situation where you find yourself avoiding interacting with people, not making a decision, etc -Open your notes app on your phone and describe the situation, how you felt, what you did and what you wished you did -A few hours later, when you are alone, read it. And ask yourself why you reacted that way. -If the reason is something like "I was afraid to disappoint this person", "I was afraid to be awkward", "I was afraid to be wrong about X or Y", ask yourself "And what?" And what if you were disappointing? And what if you were awkward? What's the worst thing that can happen? Most likely, the answer will be "almost nothing, it was not a good feeling but at the end of the day no one cares, nothing fuarrrked up happened." Sometimes, you will not even find why you avoided the situation. Sounds like a dumb advice but it helped me a bit. Sometimes my therapist would ask me about those situations and ask me why I reacted the way I reacted. I would answer that I was just afraid. "Afraid of what exactly?".. yeah no real and precise reason. So yeah, >>83977 is a good advice. >Realize nothing really fuarrrked up can happen >Force yourself and go ahead and try, fail, succeed.

>>84025 >OP wasn't trying to self-diagnose We can do the old back-and-forth on this, but I think it's a better solution to directly ask OP. >>83973 OP, were you trying to self-diagnose? >>84025 On your other points, mainly >DSM isn't trash and actually useful I consider it is trash since it's mainly used as a tool to label unwanted behaviour as crazy. This doesn't lead to shaping a better society, but to shaping people to fit in society's mold, which generally is agreed upon to be in a bad state. Many things that are seen as crazy nowadays, were normal behaviours in days of yonder: for instance, Schizophrenia's most common trait, 'hearing voices' was in many cultures seen as hearing the voice of God and a rite of passage into maturity. Nowadays that 'inner voice' is considered to be something only for the mad. I've talked to a decent amount of people that have been locked up in these Institutes who've been diagnosed as psychotic, schizophrenic etc. and their stories are all the same: it's bad in there and being there, only made them worse. Does that mean that I think there really aren't crazy people? No there are, but the number is way, way less as the psychologists want you to believe. Does that mean that I think that these people don't need help? No, I think they can use help, but that the current approach is severly lacking, evident for the growing amount of people experiencing problems and the growing amount of people that are on medications. Does that mean that I think counselors/healers whatever can't be beneficial? No, there's many good healers out there, but those who rely on the DSM and psychotherapy for their treatment, are severely lacking and limited.

YEARS of inquiring into this. avoidant attachment comes from avoiding your own feelings. if avoidant to others - you're primarily avoidant to your own self. you will feel into loneliness not caring anymore about anything but connecting in the same vein as when you love someone you cease to care and care not about how other people perceive you in your care.

>>84027 I don't think this is wholly fair. I'm avoidant of others because I barely feel like I'm in the same species as them, and every interaction I've had up until this point reinforces this feeling. There are few, very few (and glaringly obvious opportunities I don't miss) situations where this isn't the case. I can't really get along with people I share nothing in common with and considering how overly negative, hostile and depressing most interactions with them tend to be I follow my behavioral wiring and simply avoid them. I still face myself through loneliness and engagement with the world; that's unavoidable.

Avoident personality disorder doesn't exist.

>>84028 >>84027 "Avoidant of yourself" in the sense that there are whole aspects of the self that only emerge when interacting with others. The self is, after all, a construct that exists for interacting with others. That's why you have the little voice in your head, you're thinking about what to say. If you don't like interacting with people, you don't like the interaction, which includes both them and you.

>>84026 >OP, were you trying to self-diagnose? No. I was just looking for a word to describe it and web searches turned up avoidant personality. >>83998 What if you have to make a decision that means your going to risk massive failure? Like going to college or starting a business can end catastrophically. Part of why I say this is I did try and have a regular job and I couldn't hold it down. It was a total disaster. I was fired within 7 months and found myself in a foreign country with nothing. Since I came home I've been a NEET but I don't think I've ever recovered. I'm too sacred to pull the trigger on anything because I don't want to repeat what happened. >>84011 I want to believe in myself. I really do. I used to. But these days I'm just terrified that I'm making bad choices. That I'm going to make a really bad choice I can never recover from. Crazy right? I'm like 28 nearly 29. Never been in a relationship. Fired from my only professional job. Good grades but still a stupid retard. Its just constant negativity. I don't think I ever got over being fired as well as having to turn down an offer from law school because of poverty. Those two things really fuarrrked up my psyche. >>83998 >try and fail, and you'll get better I guess. But you can't always afford to fail especially when your an adult. People are way less forgiving. >>84025 I wish I could get help. I can't afford it now. I used to get some when I was in college but I started avoiding the therapist because I was embarrassed to talk to them and I couldn't bring myself to go anymore. Their advice wasn't that helpful either.

>>84027 This doesnt sound right. I used to be more emotional and wound up this way. Avoidant personality is just an anxiety where you avoid the anxiety if you can but the anxiety is still there so you would just be switching from one disorder to another

>>84063 >there are whole aspects of the self that only emerge when interacting with others This is basically true but I feel like it's not an emergence of some preexisting aspect of yourself, but an entirely new thing that is a combination of "yourself" and the social context you've been placed in. That's why it doesn't exist without others, because it isn't just you. The things you think about when you expect to have to prepare to interact with others are not the same as the thoughts you have when your expectation is solitude. There are versions of yourself that always being in contact with people also obliterates. Personally I don't think the way I avoid people has that much to do with all that though, I am just afraid of them.