/vent/

old thread hit limit prev: >>81530

>>82787 lmao why'd you get triggered at all you completely missed the point a man can't feel he "isn't noticed" unless he wants to woo a woman really bad, that's what i wanted to say a true man is always fine with what's available at hand and never frets over what may never come. i believe that male2male friendship is the only kind of friendship possible, though it's rare because takes wisdom no there isn't the word 'gay' anywhere around please stop screwing with me i'm not gonna cuddle a male i told you already. wtf are you so agitated? why are you gay

>>82786 your posts mess with my mind. not sure if there's something wrong with me, or you. you might've assumed too much from the few words i've written. >>oh right yes yeah i just confirmed (for myself) what you wrote is in fact true and aligns with the other "truths" i've read before. >>i'll try! the thought that i need to live up to your-alike ideals comes from time to time. then i try, once again. in the current environment i can't afford such a lifestyle (lazy & inexcusable). the longest i kept it was one month, felt nice. whining. honestly being ignored isn't even a big problem. i stop checking for replies a day after, if there are none. this is how i "care less". and in real life it's all ok. why /vent/ then. idk. should have pondered that decision. a mindless bot i am. the first time i whined on the internet, ever. and the last. i've exaggerated. >i can see your ass burning all the way from here was completely calm at that moment. >ignorant what do we even mean by this?

I gave up any hope I had left for finding friends and people I belong with. As a kid I always had t his vision of the future where I would be surrounded by cool people and hang out with them and be happy. And whenever I would get invited somewhere I would force myself to go because you never know who you'll meet, anything can happen. But now I realize that that's just naive, I'm not a normal person and will never be able to find a partner. I gave up completely. Now I will just focus on things I like to obsess over and then dies I guess.

>>82790 good luck figuring yourself out. don't get too caught up. and don't ruminate, ever

>>82791 History's greatest minds recall thinking as you do in their autobiographies, let your solitude create beauty like no other

>>82793 unfortunately having sometimes the same thoughts and feelings as greatest minds doesn't mean you're one of them. most of genetic pool is shared thus most or even all of thinking mechanisms are the same between all people. the difference is very slight and lies in superficial things, just enough to grant "uniqueness". so have no illusions about yourself. do not yield to confirmation bias

>>82794 lol what, self fulfilling prophecy much

one time i exercised by lifting weights on the first day of a 4 day fast, and my muscles were stuck in hypertrophy for the duration of the fast, it was quite painful. whenever i left my house i had to stand around and force my arms to straighten out so i didnt look like a glitterboy when walking around. has anyone experienced this before? i cant find anything online, is my body fuarrrked up?

>>82800 i'm so sorry for you lain. i'm so sorry, so sorry sob sob

>>82800 If evolution has prepared your body for anything, it's physical exertion and scarcity of food, you'll be fine

>>82802 Actually mammals, especially mammals adapted for hunting and foraging such as humans, tend to require more frequent and more nutritious food than cold-blooded animals of a similar size. We're meant to make this up by using that food more effectively. Being especially adapted for persistence hunting, humans don't do very well with short bursts of high activity without food afterwards to recuperate. >>82800 Lift towards the end of a fast rather than the beginning, and ideally don't lift at all while fasting -- do aerobic exercise instead.

>>82811 sorry bob, i'll stick to my area of expertise next time

another day thinking of reasons to not kill myself, and coming up short. been thinking of nitrogen inhalation, seems like a nice and easy way to go, cheap, painless. most importantly doesn't leave a mess. Look at doi: 10.1111/1556-4029.12239, seems rather easy? any recommendations? or alternatively anyone got a translated copy of The Complete Manual of Suicide?

>>82825 try smuggling diamonds in Africa first tho https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkCKDKgzpAE&ab_channel=MusicVidya

Stop this silly thing about spotting and fishing for me everywhere. Man up and meet me face to face! What is it you want with me? Messing around, aren't you? What's you deal? What's with all that complaining? Little girl wants my attention so bad??? Here, you have full of it! Now out with it! Stop skulking around! Fight like a man or run like a bitch! I challenge you, god fuarrrking jammit! It can't be like this forever! I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL REFLECTION, DO YOU HEAR ME, BUD? BUY A REAL MIRROR FINALLY! HELLO IT'S ME SPEAKING! Are you fuarrrking crazy or something? It's unbelievable! Infuriating, even. The degree to which you're controversial shoots the skies to pieces. I invoke your name, you little brat! Come, impress me! Show me what goddamn spirit or whatever you got under your pale skin! Come on! WHY DO YOU LINGER? Fight!!!!!

>>82826 you know what, fair enough. ill do it after i beat farcry 2

This board is lainchan's equivalent of /pοl/ and just like it all the retards go to it masturbate each others and then go to the other (image)boards to make everything worse so that the standard becomes low enough for them to fit in. You're losers with no social nor practical skills yet you feel superior to "nοrmies" and "wagies" when you would kill yourself in a week living a normal life without hiding in your room. Just look at the latest biggest tumοr that came out of here, retarpus, who's a lοser telling other lοsers what to do, and of course he's going to be wrong about everything that isn't common sense and most of the time he lacks that too, the dopamine you get from making youtube videos and people watching them is not an appropriate reward for what you do, have fun being stuck while pretending to make progress for the sake of a video. All hikki neets can do is twist reality and feel superior to people above them, making sure they can never learn or do anything that will help them grow, just complaining about everything, women this nοrmies that, pοlitics this, whatever schizο conspiracy etc. it never ends. If you took your ego aside and told your starved attention whοring self to hold on a minute and think about what truly matters to you, not about what can help you avoid reality or what can replace reality, you could get started in whatever it is you want to do, but you can't do that, it's too late, not because you're old but because you've been shaping yourself to be worthless, every single day of your life without breaks. tldr kill yοurself retarpus, thank you for reminding me what most people on imageboards are like, I needed that, the next time you want to give others advice, I don't know, maybe be a bit older, with any life experience whatsoever and anything meaningful to say that isn't one schizοpedia search away, I know you'll masturbate reading this btw, attention whοre, why else would an imageboard user make a youtube channel aimed at other imageboard users instead of just posting.

>>82856 you look like hikki neet to me or maybe just a retarded student. btw got derezzed on you favorite political board?

>>82844 send me some later, i will double your investment <3

>>82857 shamelessly showing off your attention span and reading comprehension

>>82860 can't care about an npc accusing others of being npcs. you're the same as any one of them

it is quite hot where I live right now. the heat zaps my energy. tried asking a few girls out, all of them have boyfriends. the good ones are already taken. the one that i saw a few times turned out to be mentally unstable and I had to evacuate to preserve my well-being, leaving her heartbroken. I find myself stuck in a hallway with a bunch of closed doors, a limbo of sorts. everyday life is boring. it is getting more difficult to practise my hobbies. ceaseless action and agitation helps me forget how directionless my life is slowly becoming. a sense of impending doom infiltrates my thoughts. a storm is coming

The other day I realized the six years I spent being homeschooled effectively put my social development on pause and that's why I act the way I do in social settings. For things that should be normalized for adults I act like a young teenager and I embarass myself trying to start actual relationships. Well, hopefully spending all that time with my dad, reading books and understanding references to 70's soykaf will come in handy one day :/. Being somewhat knowledgable in stupid soykaf is SO much better than being able to form relationships with people. I feel permanently disabled.

>>82877 is it related with computing ? i also learn more with books than live teachers.

>>82879 Is what related with computing? I did learn a lot about computers during that time because that's what I was into, but the information was never too useful because I never liked writing software.

theres not a single good thread on lainchan, theres nothing to learn from schizophrenics, pedos, incels, neets, racists and drug addicts, theres no discussion to be made that wouldn't be of better quality if the average lainon got replaced by chatgpt i hate 4chan, i hate the modern internet, lainchan isnt any different, youre all the same, i hate myself for being here

>>82898 incels are lazy people tho, the best way to destroy a female is destroying their purpose and you do it by creating more efficient breast milk to make their boobs obsolete, less genetic damage eggs differentiated from male stem cells to make their eggs obsolete and a more efficient artificial womb in order to make their uterus obsolete. how is talking soykaf or threading women helping them in anyway ?

>>82898 low iq post. there was never a place for a discussion, there is not one now and there will not be one in the future. communities of high intelligence people where you can have a discussion were always limited to the highest elites and closed to everyone else and even then those elite circles were never that big. if you feel like you're surrounded by retards, it's because you're one of them. if i demand you to answer what exactly quality discussion you are missing, you'll back off and soykaf your pants because you're just a crybaby that wants free entertainment

>>82900 >there was never a place for a discussion glad we agree, esl

>>82900 Quality discussion has a lot that goes into it, but to me the most basic way to measure it is how much it seems like responses were written without reading more than a few words of what they reply to. The expectation that online discussion is worthless is self fulfilling; people think it's useless to put in effort and stupid to express any sort of vulnerability, write something anyway for some reason, the next things written pattern themselves after that and you get a crab bucket.

>>82856 >>82898 If you don't even belong to lainchan, why are you posting here in the first place? Unironically doing this is like binge watching tiktoks just to make yourself angry. Please just leave us alone.

>>82901 >esl it's demotivating to see how you couldn't make a more elaborate insult >>82902 >The expectation that online discussion is worthless is usually correct

>>82877 I have the opposite experience. >my "vent": I feel like my relationships with family got severely, severely crippled by my 15 years of public school and 4 (failing) at uni. I'm no contact with both my parents and have been scrounging together whatever I can understand from my peers and from books about family but it's still not enough to tolerate my parents on the level of emailing with them and occasionally having a coffee with them. Family is harder to replace than peers, "chosen family" is barely a concept in Westoidia and I wasn't raised in a way where I could recognize other locals as any kind of family either, I have a huge bin for labeling "strangers" of various kinds.

>>82856 >This board is lainchan's equivalent of /pοl/ and just like it all the retards go to it masturbate each others and then go to the other (image)boards to make everything worse so that the standard becomes low enough for them to fit in. This

>>82911 not quite true, the achievements of each lain will determine their value since the one still standing at the end is righteous

>>82856 It is a very difficult situation for such people. The best idea I have for them is to participate in some kind of actual social work. Don't hide. Don't use an alias. Don't create a persona. Don't be a sophist. Surely you've learned something over your years of staying at home, fed by the rest of us, fed by your parents? Even something as basic as `systemctl restart simulation.service`? Participate productively/generatively in some kind of actually existing community. Tackle the most basic github issues you can find on whatever epic ricing software you use, or whatever else. Use your real name. Take a stance. Is there some kind of rot that places you where you are? Think strategically about how to overcome it. Don't let the people around you drag you down to a base level. There exist material solutions for many seemingly social problems. A 3M construction worker headset will cancel out the debilitating television noise coming from next door completely. Sometimes you might need to leave the house, you'll need money and you may need to have roommates. The organism is inseparable from its environment and as such you cannot expect any change to occur in the one you've made so stagnant.

>>82908 If all you are going to do is briefly scan over something to find an excuse to repeat what you have already said, why bother?

>>82856 >whole post about toxic ego and looking down on posters >"If you took your ego aside" extreme projection

>>82913 No I will not use my real name because it forces me to constantly spend a lot of resources to evaluate possible outcomes and consider all possible threats I don't want to handle and lots lots of soykaf like that. Every word, every action, every step is a potential pitfall which you have to handle and spend resources on. Disgusting. Falling back to maximally passive peaceful insect only works until it doesn't. I despise most people and the only way to get away with it is hiding my real name. If I had power to safely kill you I wouldn't bother, but I don't, so I have to constantly keep up this pretense of being friendly. Society is disgusting and interacting with other is pain in the ass. I almost regret I was born human.

>>82917 You're schizophrenic, eventually you're going to have to get a job and join society. Seriously, you have schizophrenia, seek help.

>>82919 i want to grind 10 years in 1 and then off myself.

Hello, I'm Torpus. >>82913 >to participate in some kind of actual social work. Some think I only came here to capitalize on Lainchan without really being part of it. Well, I do love Lain because she's a symbol to me and I do love imageboard culture. But yeah, I'm not much of a computer guy, even though I use Linux and plan to switch to OpenBSD. It's all for the sake of digital independence and privacy. I felt like crying when I read threads on /hum/, the only board I'm on, and that's what made me create posts like this. In a way, I relate so much to many lainons, but in other ways, I feel fundamentally different from everyone. I barely post here and I dislike most kinds of entertainment (and computers). >Don't be a sophist. I'm really not trying to be one. I just learn from various sources and curate that knowledge into videos. It's like being one step ahead of someone else; I make mistakes too (my last video was a massive fail). Yes, I have real-life responsibilities as well, but I try to make videos weekly since it doesn’t take much time and keeps the audience engaged, even if I miss a day or two. I don't want to ever reveal myself because I don't want to be famous. I'm saying a lot about myself already, lol. But yeah, I don't want to be the center of attention here. I believe the algorithm will just do its thing eventually, just like what happened with Luke Smith. Thank you for your honest feedback, lain!

>>82917 You've gone and put your cards on the table. A sign that I hit the nail on the head.

>>82922 Not from any previous conversation, but indecently wanna say I enjoy and appreciate your videos Torpus..! Don't wanna put too many labels on it but for me its essentially lain-themed self-help lol I like the style of content where even if its not all new info its being brought together and elaborated in a interesting way. :D So yeah made me more motivated to go running and helped me feel better about some things - thanks!

>>82922 Dude, I gonna be honest with you; I like your videos ever since I discovered your channel, and you seem like a smart guy with very good intentions, specially considering we are around the same age. But this is why some people in here, and a bit of me, got angry at you: It simply started to look ridiculous. >I don't want to ever reveal myself because I don't want to be famous So, why did you break your anonimity? Why you aways have to promote your channel whatever you got chance? Like "Oh boy, look! Another thread of somebody venting about how much he is lonely, I made a video about this so it's time to promoto myself! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!?!". I belive if you just kept your anonimity here intact, a small minority of users would eventually recognize your channel as part of our culture, it would be slow but no one would be angry at you. And I know you've been doing this on Wizchan too. >But yeah, I don't want to be the center of attention here. So why did you made brand out of yourself? Not just a channel, or videos inspired on actual threads from here, but also a personal blog with your recommended books (Like that anti-semite one, I'm still processing why you thought that would be a good idea). Again, If you were just some random dude making videos about the funny schizo topics that you enjoy talking about, people would naturally like you. Torpus, I don't hate you, I know you're just young and stupid and have no clue of what are you doing, that's your problem, and mine too actually. I really wish we could directly talk to each other, maybe on a Discord call, and maybe play some Minecraft together or whatever. You seem like the type of weird friend I had on high school, so I got your sympathy. Just stop being so annoying, but keep doing what you enjoy doing, lol.

>>82927 The point was to bring in few people who would ideally watch my stuff so that the algorithm would know who my things are for instead of promoting it to a normal audience. But yeah I sounded annoying a bit but no one cares now since I don't need to send more stuff; the algorithm will keep doing whatever thing by itself. So just forget about it. >I really wish we could directly talk to each other You can email me (check my website). But don't expect me to do soykafty teenage things.

>>82943 try deleting your self-serving posts then

>>82924 What do you mean by that?

>>82922 >Hello, I'm Torpus you love saying that don't you >Some think I only came here to capitalize on Lainchan without really being part of it >I'm not much of a computer guy, >I felt like crying when I read threads on /hum/ you're fuarrrked >the only board I'm on of course, OF COURSE >I feel fundamentally different from everyone because you're on a niche altchan with 10+ boards and you got filtered by most of them? > I barely post here and yet you always make sure to let everyone know who you are and post your soykafty youtube channel :) I don't see how that's any different from posting discord links >and I dislike most kinds of entertainment (and computers). you're underage, if you're lucky you grow up eventually, but you don't seem very "lucky" to me >I just learn from various sources and curate that knowledge into videos yes thank you for your videos, you have a lot of important and meaningful things to say that you couldn't just post here normally, I don't know how you can record yourself saying the dumb soykaf you say, I hope for your sake that in some years you can look back at those videos and cringe) >It's like being one step ahead of someone else that's hilarious >keeps the audience engage : ) >I don't want to ever reveal myself because I don't want to be famous yes you're gonna be famous if you just dox yourself, do that >I'm saying a lot about myself already just how much of an attention whore with nothing to offer you are >I don't want to be the center of attention here. clearly > I believe the algorithm will just do its thing eventually, just like what happened with Luke Smith you're fuarrrked in the head it might not be reversible >>82943 >the algorithm would know who my things are for clueless retards like yourself? with a youtube account that they curate so that an algorithm even does anything? >But don't expect me to do soykafty teenage things I guess there must be a limit to how many "soykafty teenage things" you can do, you already got past that with the youtube videos and inserting yourself in every single thread, god forbid you actually do something 1 on 1 with a real human from /hum/, which by the way is the rarest sight you could see if you had the eyes to see it and the brain to recognize it

>>82920 are you officially diagnosed though

>>82955 i am not the same guy and it is pointless in my case.

>>82956 i swear you're indistinguishable. anyway good luck to you

>>82922 I just found your youtube channel because of this comment, i really like it :). very unique

I've never seen my acquaintances as being an incredibly important part of my life until recently, when I realized that my life would be much easier if I had only 1 actual friend/partner. Two people with similar mindset and personalities, sharing territory and resources, agreeing on the same terms in order to coexist, always trying to meet each other's needs and working towards the same goals, that would really make life much easier and more pleasant. It's unfortunate that 99%+ of the population is psychotic and paranoid towards other humans, but somehow trustful when it comes to the government and other organizations. The possibility of finding such a human is near zero.

>>82768 What the fuarrrk is wrong with you? You make a fuarrrking complaining post that I don't respond to your DMs yet my INBOX is fuarrrking empty. What the fuarrrk is this? I directly engage you by fuarrrking DARING your ass to write me and what follows? I've just checked my mail and there's NOTHING. Not even a fuarrrk OFF. HELLO THERE! HELLO!!! ARE YOU fuarrrkING LISTENING??? Maybe weed isn't all that healthy after all? Joking. Well, maybe I (lmao wtf's "I" anyway) am not healthy? Yes that's certainly true. I am GOING TO BE obnoxious, because I am in a fuarrrking violent mood recently. But honestly, why'd you complain? Why? Have I ever fuarrrking made a goddamn hint that you need to fuarrrk OFF? No, curse it, I haven't! We just kinda mutually agreed on silence and being mindful of my recent VIOLENT tendencies I decided I shouldn't PING you with some tardard bullshit. But why the hell would you fuarrrking COMPLAIN that I went silent when you yourself just did exactly same thing? Damn it, dude. It would be easier on me if you just told me to fuarrrk OFF, because that's what I deserve. Gogjammit I feel so ANRGY right now! Agrrrrh!

>>83013 gosh but the best way to communicate is through actions

I want to have loving intense sex all the time and live a meaningful life in an interesting world but really I’m just anxious and repressed sigh…

>>83016 >I want to have sex here's the root of all problems, the rest is up to you

god i hate that im white i wish i could be latina

>>83021 Everyone wants to be white except whites. Lol.

>see the news about 3M, turns out we've all been poisoned and exposed to toxic forever chemicals >studies show microplastics in the blood and semen of all human males >glaciers and ice caps melting >toxic air >tech replacing people, even white collar jobs are now getting replaced >society would rather fight over culture wars, identity, which incompetent retard should be president >mass surveillance, no privacy >vitriolic losers and Nietzschean last men taking over every imageboard and social media site online >savings running low >no job, no friends This stuff keeps me up at night and gives me panic attacks. Just thinking about this stuff gives me super anxiety. How the hell am I supposed to live in this world?! We are literally turning into that toxic wasteland in Nausicaa while being ruled by a dystopian totalitarian governments and corpos and nobody gives a fuarrrk because they'd rather talk about orange monkey man running for reelection or the latest soykaf video game or movie. I wish I had someone to talk to about spiritual affairs and great issues facing humanity, not politics and consumerist bullshit.

>>83027 Got a throw away email?

>>83027 >complains about political issues >says doesn't wanna talk politics >??? You either do politics or politics do you. Look up the origin of the word "idiot". I feel u tho, it's hard to stay positive when things are going to soykaf. I find that not watching hate bait and taking some time every day to do something you enjoy works.

>>83027 You can choose to write about it then, it's what I do. I lost the ability to converse with people a while ago, in fact I don't know if I ever had it to begin with, I might've simply learned that I never could communicate with people once socialization progressed beyond the middle-school level. So instead, I write about stuff, and sometimes share my ideas here and there with online friends to gather insight from other people. The writing doesn't make me feel better, but it gives me something semi-productive to do. Maybe it will help in diverting the world off its current trajectory, and if not, at least it gives me something to do.

>>83036 "Politics" in Ameristan is a spectator sport. It means soykaf like which fascist goon said what, which goon is slightly better than the other goon. The typical "politically engaged" person here is ignorant and opinionated, ditto for the politicians.

mother nature is winning a lot of mental battles. It really fries my brain and it,also, is a huge struggle to regain the mental territory lost afterwards.

>>83085 if you mean you start to become less of a user it's a good thing actually keep it up!

>>83036 Politics is just pro wrestling. Nobody talks about policy or real world issues. Its just staged bullshit. Have you seen the average burger talk show? No meaningful discussion. Just rambling and mocking old man for being old or "omg look what orangutan tweeted" *audience cheers* This is how the world ends. No bang. No whimper. Retards applauding comedians and news anchors while their water is poisoned with teflon juice. Its like Bioshock but worse. >>83038 I do write but sometimes this just stresses me out more. Its not like anyone will read my writing anyway but just thinking about this stuff makes me anxious and panicky. I always wanted to escape the city and live somewhere clean but there is nowhere clean. Everything is polluted with industrial forever chemicals and microplastics. They found that soykaf in the arctic. And if you tell people this they think you are insane tinfoil hat alex jones gay frogs. I guess I could start a journal or a blog but I don't want it to turn into r9k level loser nihilism.

>>82825 Are you seriously reading a manual written by someone who has never successfully commit suicide? >>83038 I feel the same way lain. Since I was a kid I was bad at speaking, probably because of my weird upbringing, like a military brat but not exactly, then ending up in the West. As I grow older my writing matures, but my speaking seems to get worse, or it becomes more problematic. I am genuinely working on it, but it's hard catching up. Everything is very unsatisfying in this world. It's a matter of coming to terms with this, and maybe excelling despite it.

thinking about a time in hs where i had a poetry assignment. me being edgy and depressed for valid reasons featured the word anon in it, CRINGE. but my english teacher who was a very sweet well off white woman, like the starbucks vsco type, asked me enthusiastically: "wow! do you mean true anon? like fourchan?" and so, to this day i wonder why i still bother with that site knowing her and my father also browse it, even if contained to politically inkorrect

I find it difficult to do anything in life anymore. I truly have no desires or aspirations and feel myself rotting away in a meaningless existence. On top of that I barely see any value in myself anymore. I previously didn't have very many issues and was quite content with who I am, what I had, where I am headed but I no longer care for any of those things. For example, I wish I would die in my sleep every night, not because I feel some unsurmountable challenge but instead because of my indifference towards living. No amount of money, friends, women, video games, drugs or anyorher cope will change that. Honestly the only reason I can see to live on is for the sake of my immediate family but that does nothing to actually fix this mindset. I'm not really looking for answers, I figure that I'll eventually get out of this line of thinking but I always default to thinking this way and it really concerns me. Even when I'm motivated and have something going on in life I feel like I'm just when step away from returning to this bleak suicidal mindset. I don't know what's wrong with me or what but I really wonder if someone like me should even strive for a family life in the future given the fact that I'm a ticking time bomb.

There is a quote from Leonard Mozart on how the older you get, the more you sadly understand most people are absolute scum. I don't want to succumb to said belief, but as I branch out from speaking with like minded people and instead with the general populace... I realize this has much merit. The most grounded people I've met consistently are either ones who live away from society, or the ones that take advantage of it to hone their intellect. The majority are just... off. Ethics especially, but perhaps that's just what happens when one is well socialized in such a large, murderous, civilization. I still hold true on the only ways to be truly fulfilled are to live primarily off nature, or to live within society for the sake of accumulating knowledge made possible through global collaboration. I also don't want to think most people are stupid; I think it's more appropriate to say most simply are uncritical followers led astray through manipulation. Yet somehow, we live in a time where most humans can easily access the internet where many million books, tutorials, essays, blogs, and critiques are freely available in one's hand, enough to make the most revered historical scholar murderously seethe with envy, but the majority just use the internet for fuarrrking SOCIAL MEDIA FINED TUNED TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE'S ATTENTION FOR ONE'S PROFIT AND DATA! So fuarrrking absurd... I swear this is a clown's world.

I fell down the mother of all rabbitholes and every day is spent wondering how many of my delusions are real and how many are fake.

>>83101 do you mean that majority of people have different opinions than you, and that you only relate to those, whose opinions are the same?

I cant help but wonder if i am legitimately cursed. Whenever my life seems to finally be heading in a good direction everything comes crashing down with something bad happening and it just keeps getting worse. I cant do this anymore. Too much lost

>>83108 Average heterosexual male experience

>>83110 lmaod at this post out loud, hahaha. thanks user. no jokes. that was really funny for some reason. still laughing hard, thanks again

why can't I meet a nice young flat chested fujo with short hair that'll enjoy time with me and go on RL adventures and soykaf? I'm literally perfect for marriage I have a high paying job family support decent looks strong morals a fuarrrking gamut of practical skills and I'm pretty much a certified therapist. My fetish is literally making my woman feel as good as possible simply because I love her and other gay soykaf. why can't the wimminz come to me? Why do I have to make the first step this is so fuarrrking ANNOYING

I hate cities. Millions tons of stone and not a single fuarrrking toilet. Morons.

guess I'll get a bit too melodramatic, but whatever Even though I very much like to put an act and pretend like I am serious, pragmatic and detached, this is just not reality. The truth is that I am burning inside, but am too scared and, in what concerns "being human", my self-steem is too low. After ignoring other's and my own emotions aswell, I simply don't feel like I am deserving of love and appreciation. Maybe that's why I've always been obsessed with the tragic and the love that dies instead of decaying. I also feel like I've wasted my youth with pointless things such as gaming, political debate and similar bs. Now age is getting to me, and soon my appearance will decay, the heart that pulsates with emotions will rot, the boiling blood that circulates through my veins will freeze and my warm skin will become gelid. All of my human potential will simply go to waste. All I really wanted was to love, suffer and die from it.

>>83158 there is an app specifically to locate nearest toilet. Saved my tourist ass (literally)

I had to cut ties with a couple of friends that was basically one of the few sources of companionship for me in the past decade. They just became far too insufferable to stand for the past few years but I hate having to do this because I've known them for so long.

>>83168 it's amazing. my biggest struggle is not cutting the ties. never succeeded once. i just can't keep people in my mind or working memory or whatever it's called properly. i really mean this. i just forget them the second day i don't see them in person. legal obligations (work included, hopefully you understand what i mean) is the only reason i remember them, ever.

>>83168 >They just became far too insufferable to stand for the past few years but I hate having to do this because I've known them for so long. What did they even do?

Getting really into history kinda messes with your brain a bit. You get intimately familiar with a people, their lives, goals, dreams, and then stop and think all of them are dead and almost every trace of their lives is wiped from existence. Now when I see people complain they're old I'm like, man. at least you're alive

>>82788 bad thread >>83188 No you do not

>>83188 a lot of these people do have significant evidence of their lives all around us though. Caesar is still practically a word in quite a few languages, not to mention the indefinably large result of his political actions and martial, the results of which are still felt today, and all of his lieutenants and soldiers, and even his enemies I think hold a share of that glory. History is only interested in those people, the traces of who's lives has not been erased from existence.

I feel that meds don't work. I have now quit most of my meds and I still feel the same as before except I'm as tired as I used to be while on meds. I don't mean that I feel mentally or even physically healthy but I mean that meds didn't make a difference for me. I even quit my antipsychotic medication last month and I have decided to use them only when I have more psychotic symptoms than I had while on meds. (I have tried like 10 different neuroleptics and many different dosages and none have worked that well for my chronic symptoms. BUT I still believe that they are still useful when you have active acute psychosis.). I currently live with my parents and I talk with them daily. And I have asked them to tell me if they notice any new symptoms or odd behavior (just in case). But me or my parents haven't noticed any new symptoms or anything like that. I hope I don't have restart neuroleptics because they are very awful (because of the numerous side-effects). Anyway, I have been wondering if magnetic stimulation (TMS) would be good treatment option for my depressive and chronic schizoaffective symptoms? Also, which is better/safer, bilateral or unilateral magnetic stimulation? Also, I don't want to try ECT because it can cause permanent memory problems (and probably also other cognitive problems). But my understanding is that even TMS causes electric changes in the brain, so I'm not sure if it's really even that much better than ECT? But still, I would like to hear other opinions and anything really.

>>83023 Whites dont know how well they have it. Live in sugar coated western world, entitled yet still discontent. Incapable of being self sufficient, gets everything shoved up the wazoo. No wounder.

>>83226 at least we can work together and make pleasant societies. so pleasant that they make us depressed and drive us insane, but nevertheless, envy of the seething masses of the world.

>>83222 Yes TMS has shown promise but it kind of works by turning off a region of your brain so there may be some side effects, though this is far far safer than the brain damaging ECT which shouldnt even be legal but supposedly there is a conspiracy covering up how dangerous it is. Sorry i forgot how to link to a post in another thread. Targeted cognitive therapy is something i had found before and gave details in this thread. https://lainchan.org/hum/res/56859.html#q82128 If you want supplements I can also suggest those too depending on your specific symptoms. Ive spent nearly a decade searching for alternative mental illness treatments mainly for schizophrenia. There also a technique for being more aware of delusions, this usually involves squirting cold water into your left ear, never the right which can have opposite effect potentially. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5720160/ Let us know if anything works well for you. You actually are doing the right thing. Antipsychotics are best for onset of psychosis and then once it is gone you should slowly wean off them, never cut off abruptly it can trigger psychosis from withdrawal. This is why poor countries have higher rates of remission or recovery for psychotic conditions.

My life has been stolen from me. Ive lost so many years like they never even happened except my worn body, mind and soul so to speak. It feels too late for me to have a life because how society has made people and because I am too worn to do anything id want to. I just hope I finally finish myself off.

>>83255 >I just hope I finally finish myself off It's not that hard, use lotions if you have to - and maybe even buy an onahole and have it delivered to the post office, if you live with roommates and are self-conscious. I believe in you anon!

>>83261 sounds like fun. i can last 15 rounds on average

>>83261 You know I didnt mean that. But lol

What i wounder about is, How does one stop feeling, not urging to be loved. I have done meditation, and it did help with understanding why i need to feel appreciation and such. But the "why" does not really solves anything, its better to know it, but what can a human do if it still feels. Is it worth to just mentally faint yourself away, how does that work? >>83248 Nice to see your still alive. Much love, i recall you were the boykisser from one of the vent threads.

>83304 No it's not worth it. Love everyone

>>83304 i don't know. i was born with built-in conceit towards others, so disdain comes to me naturally. i do get urges like everyone else, but unlike most others i see through this illusion and recognize that whatever fancies my fantasy can't be even nearly real. i guess you're just doomed, maybe try harder. i never thought discarding people particularly hard. also their appreciation is shallow mockery under the hood, or fear or envy. very very few are capable of pure appreciation, of genuine feelings untainted by their own desires. do you really want to be appreciated by all these filthy creatures? you're pathetic. and they're pathetic as well. don't feed your weakness. rise above external validation of inexistent rights and wrongs. only seek approval of those who are competent in the art you're pursuing, and if you pursue no art or can find no masters, stop being pathetic and turn into yourself

>>83304 the love is mutual, been grinding hard as always

what the hell does it mean "make a better post"...

fuarrrking file related due to being censored you bitchrs image

>>83326 i feel like this every day, no future, think about throwing myself out the building every day. saw some post on /hum/ about a dude getting his test checked, and decided ill do the same and more. i dont really see any other options for fixing myself.

>>83308 conceit, is ones one illusion. Emotional self empowerment is easy in a world of retards, but it does not holds always, there are many magnificent and intelligent people. " whatever fancies my fantasy can't be even nearly real" Then thats the answer to how you treat your urges, They can't be even nearly real >>83309 UwU

>>83328 >>83326 It may be hard to believe now, but the same factors that make you a living, walking, thinking being are also the means by which to generate Good Feelings out of thin air, and to re-magnetize the applicable around you. I don't mean that in the sense of meditation-ism but real material change. Earnestly study real biology and you will have a way out, I can promise you that. https://raypeat.com/articles The system wants you to be this way. It's happy with your self-isolation -- it makes you easier to exploit. Fight it.

Lainchan strikes me with its stark emptiness covered in gaudy pretenses of being meaningful. Visiting this site is like walking a city of empty shells. Even in technical boards you won't normally meet anyone except illiterate autists who think I can't use google. This is just plain scary. Makes me want to vomit.(USER WAS WARNED FOR THIS POST, Do not whine and cry about 8chan, lainchan.jp, "quality", "invasions", "newfags", mods, bans, or kalyx outside of /q/.)

>>83347 Have you tried turning it off and on again?

>>83347 every real one is grinding for now, you will have to wait. grind in the meantime

I feel that I have been in a tiring but comforting state of melancholy since I was 21.

>>83347 Lainchan is a place for miserable shut-ins dosed on antidepressants to roleplay as edgy cyberpunk hackers. It's heaven compared to a place like 4chan, though, which I believe is just overrun with bots at this point.(USER WAS WARNED FOR THIS POST, Do not whine and cry about 8chan, lainchan.jp, "quality", "invasions", "newfags", mods, bans, or kalyx outside of /q/.)

>>83351 > shut-ins dosed on antidepressants to roleplay as edgy cyberpunk hackers. your downgrade attempts will result in you receiving the biggest white glove slap of your life.

>>83347 It is because /poI/ users from 8ch flooded in after it shut down dumbing down the average user and is trying to change the culture of the board to be the generic garbage. They only care about being assholes and circle jerking. You can see some obvious changes. Some years ago it was pretty normal for Lainchan users to have a preference for Apple products over Windows due to association with SEL and better business practices in being less privacy invasive since most just dont want to deal with the bugginess of Linux and are mainly concerned with malware now it is full of Stallman worshippers who wont accept people using anything but open source and dont help people anymore at mitigating risks of closed proprietary OSs and software. Although part of that is the increase in technology changing where businesses started using DRM and running hash checks on server content an so on and more government spying info released over the years. It used to be common for there to be a lot of trans users and no one really gave a fuarrrk it was just a casual thing now you have endless harassment and autistic screeching over it. The imageboard was more anarchist and apolitical posters now you have a lot of clueless neo fascists and libertarians.(USER WAS WARNED FOR THIS POST, Do not whine and cry about 8chan, lainchan.jp, "quality", "invasions", "newfags", mods, bans, or kalyx outside of /q/.)

>>83353 thats a nice theory but I've been here a long time, and I regret to inform you that people change.

<vent> I've done pretty much everything 'correctly'. I have a degree. I have zero debt. I have a car. I have a house, purchased with my hard-earned cash & reasonably maintained since then. I have about a hundred K in savings. I have a well-paying job in a field I actively enjoy - reasonably stable too. All at thirty. I bake a decent loaf of bread. I'm on good terms with family. I can cook a half-decent meal. My weight is about where it should be. I can run a tolerable 5k. ...now what? Why the fuarrrk is every day a chore? Why am I so lonely? Why is the highlight of my week the waitress at the lunch place I go to weekly that knows my name? Why does no-one ever initiate a conversation with me unless they need something? Why is it so hard to ignore how touch-starved I am? Why do I get the sinking feeling I'll die alone at 55 having worked myself into the ground? Why does the bulk of my social interaction outside of family only take place because money is being exchanged? Why do I keep finding myself wondering if I'd have been better off with a simple social job? Why are there approximately zero places where it is acceptable to meet girls that aren't a bar or the cesspool that is online dating? Why do I hear a nagging thought in the back of my mind every time I spend time with family that 'you could be finding a girlfriend right now', and how do I make it go away? Why are girls seemingly so concerned over height? Why do my younger relatives never contact the older ones unless I initiate something? Why is it that I keep being ghosted after initial conversation? Why are my thoughts repeatedly drawn back to the not-quite-neighbor that came over to my place when my father died? Why do people keep assuming I'm an introvert? Why does it seem like everyone is either a) utterly disinterested, b) looking for a hookup, and/or c) gold-digging? Why is the actually-anonymous (as opposed to pseudo-anonymous) portion of the internet seemingly continually shrinking? </vent>

>>83362 ask that waitress out already cmon

>>83362 Nothing will make sense until you realize the class structure of society. It's simply not set up for you to be happy. Make of that what you will inb4 some lolbertarian tells me about how Personal Freedom solves all of this somehow

>>83351 And half of them aren't even on anti-depressants. There are better imageboards out there, anon

Sleep was the only thing which I use to look forward to but now I get these intense vivid terrible nightmares. The blackness is creeping even into my sleep now...it's sad to think that I'm still the same when I was a kid, just more traumatized and spiritually broken. I have learned absolutely nothing, I understand absolutely nothing. Nothing changes your personality yet the need to be something other than what you're always remains. I don't know. I use to think that reading philosophy would change something but I was wrong. Passions and reflections are completely different realms. I don't know...it's unbelievable how desperate, naive, broken and lost I am.

>>83386 >class structure Nothing he's complaining about is economic you nig user. he'd be having the same problems in a socialist dump because he's lonely and needs to make friends at his work. You dind't even read his post you disingenuous spammer.

I'd like to be friends with this woman. These days, I've noticed that she's so white that her hands' purple veins are easily visible. After giving it some thought at home, I decided that her tits' veins are most likely that noticeable. Though I am sure it is not a huge deal and I am not a bad person for unintentionally thinking so, I believe that if I put it in writing, the thoughts would stop. Come on, too. Why would I think such a thing?

>>83390 As predicted -- Peterson-ite "personal responsibility" talk. Stiff upper lip. Keep calm and carry on.

women are to me a regular reminder that free will does not exist. the absence of the god(s) of our religions, and free will, has lead me to feeling as though there is little reason to resist our technological enslavement and inevitable destruction. maybe it is just an unavoidable convergence. i think we are too deeply flawed to not destroy ourselves with technology, and perhaps give rise to a new, potentially greater consciousness.

>>82788 I'm generally pretty introverted, and I don't make new friends that often. The close friends I made 2 years ago have stopped talking to me, and they talk to way more people than I ever have or ever will. Because I have nothing substantial or interesting to talk about, I just feel awkward the few times I'm in their company now, so I've begun trying to actively avoid meeting them. Maybe I should work on an interesting project or something, and that way I'd have something to talk about. Whatever, vent over :/

>>83416 I learn electronics and physics, im educated in audio engineering. if you want to talk about something interesting, projects or whats on your mind, im curious. I will leave you my discord utena_80926_80010 and element : @ute-nyaaa:matrix.org

I fell in love with a friend again, though "love" is an exaggeration. It's more so a crush, not a paralyzing love like I have felt before. Now I realize that it's all an illusion and that I merely feel these feelings towards any woman whom I spend an extended amount of time with. I believe this must be due to my isolation towards women for most of my life, so now those years worth of pent up feelings flourish upon contact. I have learned from last time. I will not tell her my feelings, for I don't want to ruin another friendship, it was foolish of me to do so and I know I can live without confessing. She is the ex of my best friend, which I only found out recently. The three of us spend a lot of time together. I would only be able to do anything with his permission and likely, I would be out two friends if that were to occur. A funny little situation I'm in. The three of us go on all sorts of adventures together, and I am happy, the happiest I have ever been and so I would not trade this for the world. Though, I would much like a girlfriend of my own, for now this will do.

>>83364 Don't tempt me. Mistaking polite cheerfulness - when that's literally her job! - for attraction is a recipe for receiving neither. If I ever see her outside work I'll definitely try to strike up a conversation and see how she reacts, but only then. >>83386 I make more, even inflation-adjusted, than my parents ever did put together. If there's a class structure it's not one I ever noticed. >>83390 Job is >95% male, and most coworkers either a) are married with kids or b) are no better off. >>83387 If there are any other imageboards out there that haven't censored Tor users, I don't know about them.

I don't know if I can put up with the world any longer. Things have taken a nose dive going back years now and I see no sign of improvement. Both in my personal life and in society. Seems like everyone just became even more stupid and selfish assholes.

Have I really just thrown it all in the garbage? I mean, my youth I didn't do anything special Never met anyone special From the moment I was born up until now, all the records I have from life are streams of ideas Also movies and games Maybe some flashbacks of places I've been But that's it, nothing really solid Nothing happened in the last decade or so And now it's gone Guess it is what it is

>>83451 It's a cliché but it is true: it is never to late to chase your dreams. It is better to have tried and failed than to wonder about what-ifs until you die. Your youth, depending on the definition, is only like 10-20% of your life... and for a huge part of that you weren't even able to be independent. You have a lot of time left!

>>83450 I'm sorry to hear that lainanon... sometimes it is better to not pay too much attention to society as a whole, as it can be very depressing. You might not be able to change the world but you can change your immediate surroundings for sure. It doesn't have to be big changes immediately, just focus on small things and then over time it will all add up to the point where you feel more happy. It may seem bleak now (I've been there), but things can get better if you keep trying!

>>83462 I struggle even with little things and whenever I try to build up momentum that is when it goes really wrong then I get set back all over again. Ive been trying day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade. Even just trying to enjoy little things and trying to recover my emotional range got me screwed.

I wish i could trust Azazel.

I can't stand my memories I just want to go to everyone I've ever known and apologize for their having to know me why did I have to be such a blind obnoxious weird bastard I just want to live alone already and asccend

NPCs on the various sites are beginning to upset me deeply. Going to get off the interwebz for a while.

How do you cope with a life of perpetual wage slavery? It isn't fun to grind 7 days a week just to get enough money to grind 7 days a week.

>>83563 I spend my free time working on enterprises that could make me extra money.

Went on a date today and had sex for the first time. The girl seems very interested in me, but I feel next to no reciprocal feelings towards her. She's not entirely unattractive, chubby and a habitual coke user and stoner. She also seems to have a high bodycount and long history. I enjoyed our time together but it was nothing like love, I understand how girls friendzone guys now. The entire time I was thinking about a friend whom I have a crush on and how I would much prefer it to be her. Now I'm kind of stressing out, I don't know what to do. I feel guilt towards everyone involved. I don't want to be trapped inside of a relationship with her and I feel her lifestyle would not be beneficial to me.

I got this position to study at college. I'm days away from starting but I'm so anxious and afraid of failure that I can't bring myself to follow through with it. My hands shake. I don't want to burn a hole through my pocket and end up nowhere as a homeless bum NEET with college degree. I think I'm gonna call it quits. Sometimes I think about dying. I wish I don't wake up tomorrow. I want to stay in my dreams forever and forget about this stupid world.

Deleted my steam account 4 days ago (it was 12 years old). Not quitting gaming, but I am dropping multiplayer games since they're a huge distraction so I can focus on more important stuff. It seems like there are 2 types of progress in life. One is fake progress which you can get effortlessly, which makes you content for a day but it goes nowhere. The other is real progress, which is like pushing a boulder up a mountain. Every day requires some blood, sweat & tears just to push that boulder up a little further. But if you don't do it, that progress will actually never happen. There is only one way to attain real progress and it's just by putting in that tiresome work every day even when you don't want to

>>83615 > The other is real progress, which is like pushing a boulder up a mountain. And having it roll back down.

>>83616 That's why I chase spiritual progress or knowledge. They can't take that away from you.

>>83615 That's some dedication to go as far as to delete your steam acc. I have too many licenses to just delete mine. If I have to resort to your solution I would rather give it to someone that can handle it. ToS be damned. I hope you get to see the fruits of your labor soon enough. Godspeed.

I remember 10 years ago, before I lost my emotions, I was playing final fantasy VII. Like most latecomers I had the plot twist spoiled, so during every scene with Aerith I always had her fate in the back of my mind, and it somehow broke my heart. Putting it into words is tough. There's a genuine sincerity and optimism in the Midgar segments, but yet the game gets extremely dark later on too which is uncommon. Usually art is not brave enough to show both genuine optimism and true darkness in the same work; we get one or the other, comedy or tragedy. But FF7 is a story where all emotions are allowed to exist, where cloud and tifa and aerith begin their journey basically like children, running around wall market playing dress-up and telling jokes, but one by one it gets serious. The avalanche members die, the shinra president dies, and they are thrust into their tragic fate. All those scenes hit so hard knowing that. Like, "What's the point if she's just gonna die?" What was the point of laughing, making memories, that hint of young romance? I never had an answer. Every solution they tell us is such bs, like "Don't cry that's it's over, smile because it happened!" or "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all". Like, man. Anything you love in life can go up in smoke at the drop of a hat. Everything has a built-in heartbreak moment. None of us can ever embrace the world in that pure-hearted way we did as children before we knew about loss. Yet to really experience life, you must pretend that loss is not real, right up until it socks you in the jaw. Otherwise you're a risk-avoidant NEET who stays in his room forever and never takes risks. I just don't get it. There's no correct answer. Everyone is simply taking a chance. If their loved one dies, all those memories, their whole life, all of it goes up in smoke. They become nothing.

I'm in my 30s and only ever had one relationship. I'm gay and after 3 years he just cheated on me with a girl that's 10 years younger than us. I have no friends and no family. I put everything into him. I was suicidal for all my 20s and teens, and now that mental framework has returned with a vengeance. I don't care about anything and see nothing i even want to do. Even if it were realistic i wouldnt want another relationship. I want society to burn. There is no reason for me to struggle onward. A life without meaning could be fine, but life in my situation lacks the basic foundations required for the 'small things' that could provide any semblance of happiness. The only way forward would be decades of what i perceive as pointless slavery, empowering evil. I dont want it.

>>83617 family history of Alzheimer's...

>>83627 Alzheimers is only painful for others mostly. The victim is blissfully unaware, in a sense

I hate how millenials always confuse zoom ers with gen Alpha. It's like they think we're all still children. Our brainrot was MLG edits, if you want to call that cancer fair enough but please don't associate us with skib idi ri zz tiktok garbage. Theoretically we're supposed to be cultural allies. It's like the internet caused them to never grow up. I can only guess it's because gen alpha is a failure so they want to project their problems onto us. Their kids literally can't read lmao.

I've never been bullied in my life, except for having an android phone in middle school The trauma is still ingrained within me and I had no idea. Downgraded from a modern pixel to a mid 2010s galaxy and was setting it up around of wealthy uni students. Legitimately got flashbacks and I'm still recovering hours later even though we're all working adults now. This is not a joke

>>83634 I hate how so many people obsess over generational theory bullshit. Generations arent a real thing. It literally is just different people reacting to the state of things around them and it isnt actually bound by the year they were born just their individual psychology. A person decades older can do the same things. I am really fuarrrking sick of the way so many people think in this stupid us vs them tribalistic trash. Infantization has started going on starting in the 90s but went into hyperdrive in the 2010s and it doesnt seem to be the internet behind it considering how early it started at hands of parents. There is nothing wrong with having fun but these freaks are anti fun. The internet's increasing corporatization and centralization plays some role mainly in the trend of oversharing everything and taking popularity contests to the fuarrrking global level becoming normalized. I just want this nightmare to end.I am tired of how people lost their individuality and just parrot the same one or two opinions to choose from and both are soykaf.

My 8 years-long relationship ended two months ago. We were cool, but didnt love each other anymore, I wanted kids, she is not, and she wanted see other people too, we tried the open relationship stuff but didnt work so we broke up. since then, i started meeting a 21 old poly girl (im 33 btw) but i didnt want to spend effort and time to someone in such a different life-situation , so i told her to stick to the other guy. since then i met an other girl, she is the most interesting girl i ever met, highly intelligent, gorgeous, same view on politics, art, movement, spiritual stuff, best sex ever. i quit kratom (60g a day), started to make changes in my life, i really really would like to be with her, but she was heavily traumatised in her last relationship, and not prepared to make any emotional connection. but every touch, the look in her eye tells different. yesterday we met and decided to not see each other for a while, becouse continuing this casual stuff would making things worse. people say i should try to learn being happy alone, to make deeper connection with my friends, but i dont want to be alone, i want to be with her. i feel like in a stupid love drama movie.

>>83636 Tribalism is dumb, I agree, but there's truth to generational theory. For example I grew up constantly reading how Final Fantasy VI, Chrono Trigger and Link to the Past are the greatest games of all time, but when I played them they weren't that special. It seems like most of their fans are millennials who played them as children. Not to say those games aren't good, but they're probably only amazing for certain people

>>83636 people get stuck believing what they get hammered into their heads during early lives. Generations matter because granpa got taught different lies than gen z. Thats why social norms take 20+ years to change - you need to raise and replace the people, you wont change 30+ people in their ways.

>>83661 what would YOU consider to be a good game then?

>>83674 Those games are good, they just weren't magical to me. Meanwhile I totally loved Final Fantasy VII, it's only 2D games that don't feel special. But even during childhood I remember playing 2D flash games and they did have a magic to them. My guess is, I just played 3D games too much and it made the worlds of 2D ones feel too small and simple. When you're a kid, you're also way better at filling in the gaps and breathing life into things. So me playing Chrono Trigger as an adult is not the same experience as a kid playing it back in 1995. The game is the same, but we're all different

I hate that I dont know if i have given up on even trying to get a life or if i still have hope but am just too lost to know what to do anymore because it feels like im decades too late.

It's weird to think about but one of the most profound feelings I ever had was singing in church one time at around 10 years old. I was never super religious, church was just a place we went to and sat around kinda bored. But that one night during Christmas everything clicked, there was an electricity or magic in the air, and the poinsettas, pews and formal wear were no longer objects, they were all little pieces upholding some vast and magic structure, a feeling propelled straight up toward heaven. Maybe that's what the people saw in eleusis. Knowing that almost nobody in the modern world has had this kind of experience is strange. It's like they're missing an entire dimension to their view

>>83362 >>83448 <update> This week she asked if I was at [redacted local spot I force myself to go to in the name of being vaguely sociable] (I had been) and said she saw me. I told her (among other pleasant chat) to say hello next time. I get why you would see someone but not say hello to them, but why would you then tell them that? rghrhrghrghg. And am I really going to keep to the same (slightly different than normal) schedule next week in case we run across each other again? ...sigh. I know the answer to that one. </update>

Internet people are the worst. Why are you all so horrid?

Posted a track on /prod/ today that I've worked on for a lil bit and i didnt realize how similar it sounds from the sample pack's demo song https://voca.ro/1j8OZyIP5woE (mine) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhXiEO_fzkI (demo song) I guess this is what I get when I use a sample pack but fuarrrk it feels like I gotta throw this away now

>>83684 Thats pretty true, when people give you the advice to log off its real. I think there is a weird idea that the internet is representative of the "real" part of humanity in some way or what people actually think and that social media gives you some insight into the pulse of the masses. I think that isnt true at all its a weird cope, people are as much their ideas as they are the variety of stops and self checks they put on themselves in real life to be empathetic and polite. There is things not even bad things just bolder things that id say online id never say in real life, and I dont really think its just that "im held back by anxiety in real life and what I say online is what I really want to say". That anxiety to say certain things is a part of me. I never probably will say them, so is it really me at all? If till the end of my life id never feel okay to say some idea, or act on some idea, how much does that idea really define me? Online it can seem like it totally defines someone, you can be totally certain you know exactly what kind of person someone is from a post it happens to me all the time. An interesting (maybe not really) little experiment I do sometimes is imagining how id perceive someone I know in real life if I only saw their posts online. Like even if they dont be posting online il imagine based off of content creators they like or ideas they espouse, etc. A lot of times I think I would have never been friends with that person if that was how we met, and maybe even feel sure they were an idiot or awful or whatever. In real life all those buffers of politeness and anxieties and avoiding confrontation which some people call "fake" are (imo) actually what allows space to come to agreements and understand eachother and change minds and have empathy. It just isnt really there online often, and people who are terminally online have often all but forgotten about it.

>>83714 All thats true, but I think the real answer to >>83684 is selection bias and confirmation bias. Normal, well-adjusted people use the internet in non-horrid ways every day, but that's not as engaging as trolls, bad takes, or ragebait. "Horrid" content is more engaging and is prioritized both by the algorithms that drive the internet today (and by algorithms i dont necessarily mean just the nebulous "ai big tech uses to keep you online" sense of the word popularized over the past few years - an algorithm as simple as "most recently replied to thread is shown first" also prioritizes engaging content) and also just by human nature. So virtually anywhere you can find discussion online, the platform prioritizes content that's horrid, or at least controversial. Horrid content also sticks out in your memory better than neutral or positive content, which leads to confirmation bias. There are other factors, too, like maladjusted people are more likely to be isolated IRL and therefore spend more time online, and a bunch of other factors but I'm not interested in writing a novel about it tl;dr the internet gives an amplifier to the worst voices

It really is like kicking dead whales down the beach feeling invisible. Not only do I feel invisible any place I try to participate I also feel like I am somehow stepping on the toes of the people there in some way. I'm consistently paranoid at all times that people hate me and to an extent I think it's true because I am a massive retard and a genuine autist. I feel like a parasite everywhere I go. I can't even coherently put something together to vomit up here. I'm embarassed.

I don't enjoy music anymore. I think this is the last stage. I don't care about the thing that I enjoyed the most in life. I can honestly go a whole week without listening to a single song at this point, this was impossible before. But I don't even have the urge to listen to anything anymore. This is so depressing.

>>83728 Congratulations: you are one step closer to achieving freedom from the control box. How so? Each and all matter is electric, attuned to a certain frequency. Basically, you are a wave of electricity. Music is one of the most powerful tools of communication humanity has. With the used of the contemporary musical system (A - F# octave system), the experience and use of this tool is severly limited, since all the notes used are based on a mathematical scale in which the inbetween frequences are not used. The consequence of only using a small portion of the entire frequency to experience music - and all of its associated power it embodies - is that the beings listening to this music, only have a very limited experience of the totality of music and life itself. It's why pop music has been so bad and repetetive (only using a few chords) for the past decades, since pop music was designed to keep the potential of humans limited. It's why so few bands are able to create something new and unique. It's because old system severely limits the vast amounts of potential humans have.

>>83728 You might need a little bit more of a physical activity and be alone with your thoughts. I recommend climbing a mountain or doing a sport like boxing. Don't go down. This isn't the end it's the start. Don't go down.

>>83727 If you were that guy in the library yesterday who told that one student that it's strange that she wasn't supposed to study at the computer table because there were plenty of other places and listened to ozzy ozbourne afterwards (which I asked you about): you're a wonderful human being.

>>83729 Pop music isn't bland because of the tuning system, do you think the 90% of non-pop music uses different tuning or something? There's more aspects to music than the tuning you use, you can use some esoteric system if you want and still make music that has boring patterns and bland timbre. >>83730 I've been going outside like 3-4 times a month (work from home), I really need to go out more but I don't have any friends and it feels weird.

>>83727 We are all taking from the world to survive in some way. You deserve to survive. Contribute in your way and don't over value others contributions. Do the best you can. If you do your best be proud of yourself.

>>83732 >I don't have any friends and it feels weird. I get you. If you don't mind me asking, Whatcha do outside? Purely utilitarian like groceries or do you check out places? I used to do night walks for a good while till I got a job. Now really the only times I go outside is when I am invited to go somewhere or I really crave some snackbar somewhere. Doing the latter is kind of awkward. Sitting at a lone table and eating away while I scroll on whatever feed I look at. either an ebook or lainchan or some blog. surrounded by folks talking to eachother. Too social. Though it feels much nicer to do that at a place like a cafe. There's clearly a space for people that wants to talk and people that study or do whatever on their own so it is easier to make your bubble in these spaces. Bonus if the owner don't mind you staying without paying anything. Heard some stories of folks getting asked to leave because "it is a space only for customers".

>>83732 You can get a gym membership and shower at the gym. Its good to move and get your blood pumping everyday. If you shower at the gym you can basically pay the cost of the membership in saved water. If you give me your xmpp, I'll be your friend. If you don't have one you can use a client like gajim on desktop or monocles chat on fdroid, and I will message you. Xmpp.is has free accounts.

There is a girl where I work, we have been working together for 2 months. I have been flirting with her since I started working. Last night, while we were walking and talking, she said she didn't trust me. I invited her to sit at a cafe but she said no. I'm lucky I'm not in love with her, I just flirt with every girl that comes my way since I've never had a girlfriend before. I'm doing something wrong but I can't figure it out. I'll tell her I love her tomorrow because I'm leaving work soon, I wonder how she'll react

>>83739 don't fuarrrking do that she's turned down your advances you're just going to create problems for yourself

>>83739 You'll lose your job if you do that mate Come back to it in a couple years

>>83728 The thing is, I had to desensitize myself from life in general in order to fix my anxiety. I had to interact with lots of people I didn't like on daily basis and I had to somehow make myself numb to it. So I consciously made effort to do this, I meditated and stuff. As a result I was able to perform well at my job and even found a new job that's perfect for me where I don't have to deal with anyone anymore. But now I'm stuck with this numb brain that can't be vulnerable to art anymore, which is in a way related to being vulnerable to people.

>>83620 it has been a week since you wrote that. how do you feel now? wish i could offer any form of consolation or at least soothing words, yet all i can is to imagine that i can somehow relate to you, though in my case my relationship to the person i have been in love with for five years has been crumbling apart due to my inabilitiy to cope with my mental illness, or more likely because i seem to have stopped growing as a person. i hope you are doing a bit better than last week.

>>83732 >do you think the 90% of non-pop music uses different tuning or something? No, and it wasn't something I was implying since the majority of the music - pop or non-pop - follows that scale. Altogether, my post wasn't really about what you were saying, but what I wanted to say. I probably did that because I recognize the experience of not enjoying music anymore, since an old friend of mine went through the same, and what I said to you was that I said to him, helped him a lot. But you're not him and I really can't tell why you don't like music anymore. Do you know what it is that don't you like music anymore?

i am angry all of the time. it is subconscious anger. i dont consciously feel it, until something pisses me off and i explode. i've destroyed so many things recently, it's just getting worse.

>>83739 it seems like you know exactly what the problem is which is flirting with every girl that comes your way every chance you get. maybe stop doing that especially because it seems to not be working for you. Can you please explain why you think someone saying "I dont trust you and dont want to meet you at a cafe" signals that you should tell them "I love you (romantically)" instead of "I should give this person space".

I am so fuarrrking lonely. Or maybe lonely isn't the right term. You say 'lonely' and people say 'go be with family'. But watching the couples around me just made me lonelier. You say 'lonely' and people say 'go make friends'. But maintaining the facade to do so just made me lonelier. You say 'lonely' and people say 'go someplace public'. But there is only so long I can sit in a coffee shop watching people be friendly with each other (and not me). If I am to be lonely, I would far rather be lonely by myself. Really I am intimacy-starved. And touch-starved to a lesser extent. Trust-starved? Priority-starved? 'Lonely' would be a decent shorthand, but it far too often gets (deliberately?) misinterpreted nowadays. Even 'touch-starved' gets misinterpreted. More along the lines of 'wishing I could stop fretting about if I'm doing something wrong or inappropriate any time I get human contact'. Friends do not help with this. Family does not help with this. A dog does not help with this. A one-night stand does not help with this. It's a long weekend. Extra day off. Should be better, right? I wish. Time off means I don't get even the 'usual' stilted social interaction at work. It's a holiday, so my usual excuses to be out and about don't work. Can't wander around a grocery store when they are all closed. Went to a beach yesterday. Hung around for a bit until it was obvious I wasn't welcome unless I was far enough away from other people to defeat the point. Then semi-aimlessly drove for a while. Waste of time and money and didn't even help with socialization. Yay. Today I didn't do much. Slept. Didn't help. Forced myself out to a coffee shop. Didn't help. Wrote this. ...didn't help.

>>83846 Lainanon, you should love yourself a little more. Do you live near any mountains or nice scenery? When life has got you down, going to shops and stores is never the answer. Go embrace your humanity a little bit and go look around. Maybe the top will be pretty for a few minutes. Bears do that, even though they spend most of their lives alone, and they seem pretty happy.

I just wish I could get rid of my phone. I'm certain that if I didn't have it, my life would improve a lot. I just don't know what to do about the banking apps, I thought about just using cards and cash but I would have to go to the bank like an old man to pay my bills... I mean, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make, I just don't feel ready yet.

I'm finally coming around to that old cliche about family, friends, and "fun" in the abstract being more important than work.

>>83878 You can emulate android on your PC for those apps, that way you're not carrying it around

I hate being a pleb so fuarrrking much. I feel powerless to change it. I can't turn back time and make myself study harder. But I also just know I don't have it in me to become rich. I am too risk averse and dumb for investing. I would get talked into putting all my money into a soykafty stock and I could not resist checking how the stock is doing several times a day. I am too stupid and uncreative to innovate which is necessary to have a chance at making it big and I also have 0 charisma and people skills which is the key for success. And also by posting here it's clear I have a bad loser mentality lol. Maybe I could have changed if I became aware of it all earlier in life but now it feels over at 30. It's not about status for me but this alienating feeling of powerlessness. What triggered this thinking is that there is this obscure-ish movie that only exists in a soykafty quality. If I had the money or contacts I could maybe get the film reel and restore it. If I was a huge youtuber maybe I could make a video about it. But as a poor nobody all I can do is make a sad post on reddit that gets 0 upvotes and that's it.

>>83869 I am not a bear. Wandering around alone with my thoughts does not make me less lonely. I spend a fair bit of time wandering around nature. It is perhaps the least objectionable form of loneliness, but it still does not help. Thank you for the response.

Hey lain anons, I'm that one YouTube guy who spammed vid links around here thinking I was helping people out lmaooo. I've been so blind to the reality of what I was doing for months, and until recently I got some honest feedback that made me realize my vids became fuarrrking so generic. I thought if I focused on "solving pain points" like some /biz/ fuarrrked crap I'd get somewhere, but that mindset was just me trying to be something I’m not. I fuarrrked up by distancing myself from the very people I felt like part of the most, I wasn't very active here and I even didn't remake the webring on my site after it went down and had to remake it again. Even nobody in the comments wanted to say anything, either they're not self-aware of their subconscious or they don't wanna be too harsh lmaooooo. I have fuarrrking had it. I've been stuck for months thinking I'm doing something that no one ever wanted or care about, not even myself. I discovered EmpLemon just yesterday and he completely opened my eyes. I was making vids as if I'm doing so for businesspeople but with anime girls on them kkkkkk. I just want to connect with other lainons, and actually start doing some /tech/ stuff as well. I want to make vids about anything I fuarrrking want without trying to pretend like I'm something I'm not or forcing myself to be on a schedule, even if I disappeared for 9 months lmao. Right now I'm just feeling guilty for not being here. I used to feel like I'm part of this place, but then I've felt alienated and lonely like I don't belong anymore. And that kinda hurts. I fuarrrking still remember the usernames of those lains who commented but disappeared lmaooo, but anyway I just wanted to say sorry for everything. I know I need to earn back the respect I've lost.....

>>83896 Extremely melodramatic. Just do correct things more often than not.

>>83899 Yeah, thank you. I kinda just wanted to say this though.

>>83896 Doing /tech/ videos would be great if it doesn't end up being too generic. Regarding your past content, I believe people are not that interested in finding solutions to their personal problems when browsing YouTube. They mostly find utility in procrastination as a mean to escape reality.

>>83896 >>83902 I got something out of your videos, so maybe others did. Thank you.

>>83895 Okay lainanon just remember that bears are very smart and we can learn something from them I hope you feel better.

>>83921 I'm not denying that all my vids were bad, some were ones I've worked hard on and actually benefited me too; I'm just saying that it was a mistake to focus too much on self-help and posting every week, so I might take some time off as a hermit and make something truly valuable in the future. And you guessed what I'm passionate about: Ghanoo/Leenox, or pretty much anything else lol. I have no enough skills in this so better work on them first. Honestly, the reason why I was "melodramatic" here is because I felt rejected from the very people I felt I belong to, without bottling up too much emotions I felt cynical after. But I'm honestly much better now :) Yes, after all the real reason I wanted to make these is to feel loved, not necessarily famous or any soykaf, just wanted to connect with other autistic anime girl pfp kinds of people (guys) lmao.

>>82788 I want to disappear into my dreams. I don't like living in this world. I feel healed after a long night of deep, dream-filled sleep. That feeling slowly fades as I go to work, do chores, etc. Sleep is my only real respite. Alcohol is an illusory but significant second respite.

I don't know what to do besides this. I do know what I have to do, I am just not doing it. I am wallowing, complainigng. I do not like those that complain without solving things; at this moment, I am a hypocrite. I cannot break the barriers of others' minds without external tools. I can probably d othis, I got pretty close; the feeling of love was helpful, but as time has went on I've only discovered that how I feel love for those in a romantic relationship with me are not the sort of love that others seem to experience. There is a gap missing, I can't find it. I am either obsessed, or their spot is that of solely somebody I can trust more than others, strust not to bring harm unto myself. Thgey want to help me, they cnanot help me there's nothing theuy can do. They could plant some ideas int omy head, I'm guarding against it, I don't want their help, I can do it by myself. Nothing but appeasments to my feelings; all imagined goals & scenarios intra-reality appeasement to feelings, all extra-reality only pursuable with disregard to feelings & emotion, trying to link a path to that designated extra-reality goal, is more so just an advanced form of suicide, what do I get out of it? BUt I am thinking of this through my current form, my human form, which would not be applicable on such a grand scale, at least I don't think it would. Too locked into fantasy, it is all I have. I go to work, I push paper around, eight hours, I do not leave my house otherwise. I do not speak toa nybody at work, I do not want to "soykaf where I eat" so to speak, I do not want to stand out, I must remain slightly above neutral in the minds of others unless I want risk to befall me. My framework has implanted within my mind the thought that others are no different than environmental objects, concerning; my self-control has not been-- no, it has always been present, I have changed my mind at the time of such things I regretted doing to accept doing them, I did them and I wanted to do them, but right now I would not want t o do them. I have so many plans, I don't do them, I rather think about doing them and derive just enough pleasure from them to feel satisfied, it is not conducive to doing them. I don't really care to do them. I would want to care to do them. I recall doing some, feeling nice; why hasn't that persisted? I don't know. I type this out and I disagree with it, I disagree with my wording I don't care I just need to type something, it feels like rather than building another monologue up in my mind at least tonight is different, at least I did something different. I cleaned off the IO shield, I haven;'t put it in yet. That motherboard has just been sitting there; I compiled lbmk, haven't put the pico-serprog thingy on the pic oyt. I have all of the time to do that, I have more time than others time. I use my time up fantasizing and regret it afterwarfd. I have free time, I use it, I regret how I used it, I get to a point such as at work where all I can do is push more papear around and then I regret, severely regret the misuse of my time, but I get home and repeat it. Today was different, today was better, not just because of this, I am in control, more s o Nothing will fall in my lap, nothing will go the way I want unless I make it go the way that I want, I am in control---but that is not very helpful when my will to enact my control is not present, there is extremely little which I actually want to do. The love has gone, or it has taken its form which it takes uniquely for me, but at least I have gained another trustworthy individual out of it---fortunately they haven't left like the other, they value the trust and friendship more than the relationship part, as do I myself. What do they get out of it? I have finally come up with plans more refined and applicable to my current situation, yet I still have not and most likely won't pursue them. It involves reconnecting with others that I have built up trust with over the years, "assembling a team" of sorts, plans of a prototype for the extra-reality goal, but could I go through with it? It would be a return to what I have excelled at before, I often fantasize about things simialr to thisi n my mind; power fantasies, becoming better in the way which I think is better, above the level of those who are currently it. It's risky, I don't want to d oit. First years, then months, this most recent connection only took weeks, and I have attained a person that I trust completely will not bring me harm; scale it up, what will happen? They may not take to my vulnerabilities, my ideas, as kindly as I expect. They have been selected out of a list tjat I think will hold the most maturity, ability to not escalate into conflict which will step "out of line" into harm, but for some it has been years... If I don't do anything, nothing will change---it doesn't get more simple than that. I have no better word than hatred. It does not sseem appropriate, but what else could I use for such a feeling? Disdain, maybe. I hate how others act. I have been observing your actions online for many years of my life, although that's not very much. Imageboards, forums, mailing lists, usenet, archives of anything that I can come across, but you all act the same, only concerned about trivial matters. I can't stop thinking about the extra-reality goal. It has planted itself in my mind, I ruminate about it all of the time, it is not hyperbole to state that _nothing_ is more important than its completion, yet I sit around with idle hands brewing more time-wasting soykaf, what;'s my fuarrrking problem? I'm a fucvking idiot, a hypocrite. My hatred for others simultaneously extends to the hatred for myself, yet I hide it. They said for once they are not judged, they can be themselves, yet within my mind my judgement is present. I judge others to reifne myself, to view the actions of others so that I may change the aspects of myself which fall to them. I ruminate, contemplate, think, fantasize, but my _doing_ is very little, it need be more. The depth of other was very little, but ever since that idea took hold within my conscious I can't help but feel stuck on an infinitely flat plane. I want out. I want otu of it I want to get of f ot it I fuarrrking can't stand it. I can't stand living like this, I can't stand it it taunts me that the chances of getting there are already extremely slim, no sane person would want an idea like this in their thoughts, but I can't let go of it. I can't pursue a passion, stay in love, do anything without thinking about how my actions somehow weigh for or against the completion of this singular imperative task like no other, BUT I KEEP SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING BUT FANTASIZE, AM I SCARED? AM I SCARED THAT I WILL FAIL AND BE TRULY STUCK? IS IT BETTER, FEEL BETTER, TO DO NOTHING AND LIE IN WAIT AND _FEEL_ AS THOUGH I HAVE THE CAPABILITIES< THE CHANCE, THE __HOPE__ THAT THIS GOAL WILL COME TO FRUITION YET TO ACTUALLY START UPON I FEAR THAT I WILL GROW OLD AND FALL SHORT OF ITS COMPLETION, BETWEEN THAT MOMENT AND MY DEPARTURE I WILL HAVE TO DIE AT SOME POINT AND FACE WHATEVER MAY OCCUR AFTER, THAT WHICH I CANNOT EXPERIMENT NOR CONFIRM WILL HAPPEN I CAN ONLY JUST WAIT AND SEE.............. SUICIDE CANNOT FREE ME FROM AN IDEA LIKE THIS, ONLY ITS COMPLETION, I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THIS OPPORTUNITY BUT I MAY SQUANDER IT, I AM WHAT I HATE AND I HATE IT ALL, MY ONLY MOTIVATION IS HATRED WITHIN MY DEPTHS YET IT TAKES ME NOWHERE

>>83937 I think you're either overwhelmed because you don't know how to get from A to B, which is somewhat my case since I totally have no idea how to reach my goals but I'm still learning, OR you're scared to try new things. Well, I know, fuarrrk that's uncomfortable. I think we must start with the slightest baby steps over the days instead of even thinking about all of what's waiting us, and just assume as if the future and the past don't exist but do what must be done right now and only focus on it. But fuarrrk you're pretty much literally me lain.... when I'm so confused I unironically could just stay bored until some piece of idea comes to my head, but obviously I need to learn other things.

cant sleep but when possible can't stay asleep, can't get quality sleep. stressing about my current life and the trajectory its heading in. the existential crisis simply gets stronger with the passing of time. i want to be successful, turn my life around but why what for, im not really sure. obviously there is the innate biological primitive of self preservation reproduction, then there is the "rational" reason which for me is the fact that i desperately want to redeem myself from being a failure to overcome the challenge of life and prove to myself that with my time on earth wasn't completely wasted and i was not helpless and did not give up. but its hard to self-actualize while at the same time trying to survive in a society while being antisocial. i often hear of the psychedelics induced 'ego death', would this free me from the weight of life or help me in anyway?

How do people find communities online?! I cant seem to find any or get along with people there. I bet I am too old for this. I just want to find people with my same interests to socialize T-T

>>84032 How old are you and what are your interests? Perhaps it's a naive question to be asking on an imageboard but are they interests you can pursue in meatspace? I've found finding a good online community takes as much effort and randomness as finding an irl one

>>84033 27, almost 28. And for interests anything that is diy, old school hacking or getting drunk while pondering at life. All of those are somehow meatspace related (more or less) problem is sample size. Where I live the population isn't more than 7 million and if you live outside the capital good luck trying to find anything related to niche interests. Last year I tried to organize a treasure hunt (cybersecurity oriented) at my old university I sent around 300euros buying usbs with the first clue and spread them around the building. No one seemed to care enough to even try the first step (I hope someone at least plugged in the usb). I thought trying to organize other events like ctfs, maybe a hacklab but I don't have a clue on how to do something like that and less about publicizing it (I got 0 social network footprint) plus probably nothing would come out of it like with the treasure hunt.

i cant do this anymore ive been walking around with no skin since i was a small child and everything is excruciatingly painful all the time its unbearable not because of the pain of the present but knowing ive been irrevocably fuarrrked up and i will be this way my entire life the only thing keeping me going is knowing i can kill myself any moment, or when i pat myself on the back for resisting the urge to slash my wrists to the fat and send pictures to everyone i know at some point i learned to compulsively fawn and debase myself for other people and its ruined my fuarrrking life im boring and manufactured and fake as fuarrrk in all aspects i know you can see through it and i dont know how you can stand me. im tired of being an uncanny creature that drives everything away and conversely being scared of everything and everyone. i feel fuarrrking feral. ive never had a meaningful relationship in my life even though ive fking lied to you that i have my entire life ive only been raped and beaten by people who were supposed to be friends and a burden to everyone else i realize now that the fact is that theres no such thing as predators and non predators. 99% of people will just get away with whatever they can and take until you have nothing left to give. normal people can immediately identify if you can be used and will literally look at you with malicious glee once they know what you are. i desperately try to be different but all ive done and will continue to do is take from you because im selfish and arrogant and a bitch like everyone else on this soykafty planet im a profoundly dysfunctional person and you dont deserve to be subjected I to that. im sorry for everything. im sorry you wasted your time and energy on me when there was really nothing there.

>>84035 Hey Lainaon, I also once spent a few hundred euros on something I thought would be fun for everyone and it didn't work out. Don't let that bother you, it will happen in life and learning about people and what makes me them interested or have fun and do things takes time. Try to be simple about it. Have you tried and geocaching? That might be fun if you like treasure hunting. Try getting just a couple friends first. And be curious about things you don't know.

I'm only good at programming CRUDs in Python, and that is what I have been doing recently until I started receiving passive income while doing my job technically. There were no tasks for me to do and I got used to it. Now they want me to do my job again and I do not want to touch CRUDs ever in my life. I'm in an apathetic state for some time now. I envision myself in physical penetration testing (red team) more than anywhere else, that else being smart home installation and integration or robbing places. The latter is kind of a fetish of mine, and this is why pentest is preferable to goods acquisition. I do not want to spend any time in prison because I have no experience in the field of repossessing valuables. I want you to advise me how should I proceed with my life of no value to me. If I continue to write CRUDs in Django I will despawn myself. Have a nice teapot as a treat.

>>83936 Lainon, my belief system contains the idea that consciousness creates reality. When you dream, you create your own, personal reality around you. You notice that it isn't very stable or defined, that is because you're the only processing power of that world, so to speak. Often when you are looking at something and go look at something else, when you come back to where that something was it's gone or replaced by something completely different. That's because, just like quantum physics is saying nowadays, it is the observer who anchors something into reality. In a dream when you are looking at something, you anchor it, you stabilize it because you are observing it and thus confirming the shape of what you're looking at. I'll introduce another idea. Imagine that you bring another person, or an observer, into that world. Now that dream has two anchor points, twice as much processing power. If it is observing something and you leave the area, it will still be here when you come back in some form, at least if the observer was well focused on keeping it unchanged. If you bring ten people into a dream, you have ten times the processing power. Even a single person can dream up some monumental things, now imagine ten people! Not only will the dream be much more stable, it will have a lot more form and resources to it also. A problem arises when there are too many observers, is that their assumption of how the world works may inhibit your ability to manifest what you want to see. It seems that other observer's anchoring abilities extend to you, to the point where you are made to follow an inherent set of rules. You can't cast fireball or whatever if there are too many observers that don't believe at all you can do so. Perhaps if your creation willpower is sufficiently great you can convince them. Now do you think you can imagine a dream that would contain 8 billion people? In the end you are able to dream. In that regard you are free! It is in my eyes the greatest of freedoms, which is the freedom to slam the door on a mass of idiots and fuarrrking leave... I advise you not to underestimate your dreams. In my school of thought at least, and from everything i've learned, those dream worlds are real. And you can just go there. And so is that little thing i've called Creation willpower, which never truly goes away no matter how many people and rules a world is affected by, it's just harder or easier to make something manifest that's all. Some people would know it as magic. My faith preaches for an exodus of sorts, to take all the people that are truly worth it and go make our own world... Our own dream world. Just a thought.

I've ruined every relationship I've ever had in my life and everyone hates me. I am an embarassing retard. Sorry for this vague meaningless post.

>>84076 I remember having anxious attachment style that ruined my friendship with someone that cared about me... where we fought and I ended up begging so much for forgiveness yet having emotional thinking where I lied to myself that it's okay to stalk him, and I've even used manipulative tactics i myself wasn't aware of... it was 2 years ago and it's so cringeworthy when I think about it again. But I've made another friend months earlier and told him about all of this and how stupid I was... and now we're doing pretty fine :)

every time I open up about my soykaf life to friends or family I feel worse afterwards. I know there's little they can actually do to help so what's the fuarrrking point in spreading misery to the people I care about? It's exhausting keeping how bad things are from them, the lies and fake smiles wear on you after awhile, but I haven't felt any benefit from opening up so fuarrrk it.

>>84076 >I've ruined every relationship I've ever had in my life Heyy, me too! Wanna be besties? We could ruin the relationship later together, since that way we'd know beforehand what's coming, and nobody has to have hard feelings over it later :D >>82788 As for the /vent/... I really hate the fact that I haven't managed to turn my life around and move away from this hellhole. Yeah, I managed to be a whole year sober, but so what? I still feel like a failure over everything else, and every day spent here is a reminder of how fuarrrking embarrassing my life is. Everything I try always ends up blowing up in my face or otherwise crawls to a halt, leaving me no better off than before trying to work on stuff to get me out of here. It's like a one big flat circle that I'm running around, with little progress to show for all the struggling I have had to endure. What's worse is that that's a lie I keep telling myself. I'm not struggling. Not really. I'm better off than perhaps 80% of the people on the planet, and I can afford to literally sit silently in a corner doing all day nothing but stare at the wall, and I wouldn't be any worse off for it. I think it's much worse if you don't have to struggle, than having to struggle out of a necessity, because then you don't have to constantly live with the empty feeling that eats away at you while you forcibly try to distract yourself from this sense of groundless nothingness all around you with busy work that never amounts to anything real or tangible. My "struggle" is to have a struggle. I secretly wish my place would burn down, and I forced to homelessness, because at least then I'd have the excuse to bitch and moan about it all. Who knows, maybe I might even pull myself from my bootstraps and live life like every other person does? There's a shotgun about four meters from me, and I keep fantasizing about how one day I'd wake up one early morning, grap it and one shell with me as I walk to the forest, and once I get far enough to be standing in the middle of nowhere where no one hears me, I'd just get it over with. Nothing ever works out anyway, so might as well stop with this foolish nonsense, eh? Why bother myself so much over absolutely nothing? Well, that's the exit strategy to console me anyway. But until then, there's still something that keeps on deluding me about the possibility of bettering my lot, and so I must play my part and remain on the stage until the curtains drop. It's not really a sad play. Just so very pathetic that the audience would be bored to tears witnessing it or outraged over the crime of squandering such a good hand over selfish belly-aching and cowardly timidness.yeah, fuarrrk me, I think I stopped caring a while ago

I had one chance. It was a miracle that i was given it. And it slipped through my fingers. I didn't even understand what was happening. I was simply too tired. This chaos is completely brutal. Every day you can simply have your whole life torn away from you in a way that you never imagined. People ignore this so effectively and think it won't happen to them. When it does happen it so fuarrrking incomprehensible

>>84113 Every single religion on Earth talks about the pain of loss. You're correct our society is built on the presumption that people simply won't die until they are 74. Many businesses have no disaster recovery and are ruined by the death of a single C-Suite executive or board member. When my mother died, my dad hadn't checked his home finances in over 30 years and he was so broken up we had to figure out the finances and teach him how to use the banking website. Loss is real hard hitting but it teaches us to value what we have. Try to focus on what you have and what you can do. If you were tired maybe you weren't getting the support you needed either. Don't beat yourself up lainanon. You got this far. Keep going.

>>84111 >every time I open up about my soykaf life to friends or family I feel worse afterwards. I know there's little they can actually do to help so what's the fuarrrking point in spreading misery to the people I care about? It's exhausting keeping how bad things are from them, the lies and fake smiles wear on you after awhile, but I haven't felt any benefit from opening up so fuarrrk it. People suck. Unfortunately it helps to manage this. Try to make sure you benefit or provide emotional support for others before you open up. And if it all goes to soykaf thereafter, try again with someone else. I'd say like 1/10 people are worth it. Friendship, like love, is risk. You are always betting the other person won't be there for you. Sometimes people aren't in a position to help. Sometimes they just don't want to. But some will.

i am 27 years old and i've never been in a relationship. i don't know what love feels like. the idea of kissing someone romantically is just alien or goofy to me. sex makes little sense to me. today i seriously hugged a pillow for perhaps even the first time. i just wanted to deeply intimately hug something. but it was just a pillow. someone who understood me deeply, who was worth it, reliable, who i would have been into, never showed up in my life. i missed out. i wish there had been someone like that. i might have grown up into a better, freer person. but i never did. and now i'm a dusty, lonely, unresolved pile. i feel cold inside. it's just bitterly stupid.

>>84122 Don't worry, it only gets worse. I suggest trying to surpass the despair and enjoy the few things you're left with (good sleep, good food, creative hobbies - be it truly personal computing, artistic or whatever - and maintaining an iron will within a steel body), at least before checking out. I suggest doing like me and promising yourself to at least reach 35. t. 30 years old KHHV

I experience depersonalization daily and I don't know why I feel sad. I used to just feel total apathy and emptiness. I need to first figure out why I'm sad. I always get sad when autumn starts (probably because I feel like I'm missing out because I'm NEET and I don't even have normal social life). I never experience hypomania or mania but I basically have schizoaffective disorder (with depressive symptoms) but my psychiatrist said that he doesn't believe that schizoaffective and schizophrenia are 2 different things, so schizophrenia is my official diagnosis. I feel pretty discouraged and I don't know if I can ever hold a real job or anything. I think I will try to get into some uni in 2026? I need to refresh my chemistry and math skills before it, though. My psychiatrist said that if it doesn't work, I can get schizo bucks for the rest of my life. I should feel happy but it feels like awful prospect. Anyway, I just started taking antidepressants again (Trintellix, 1 x 10mg). I think Trintellix is pretty good, since I was able to stop it cold turkey before and I didn't experience any withdrawals or side-effects.

>>84132 you posted this already

>>84122 Hang in there, buddy! Robo-Maids are just around the corner and there's no stopping progress on this one! Btw. anyone got the link to the image board with the mad lads who're working on it?

>>84143 oops, I forgot about it.

>>84156 I'm just kidding bro, i was toying with you. This is a reminder to trust yourself in these trying times. Specifically when you display weakness before undeserving persons at large; for some of them, the crystal clear signal is: "i am open for manipulation". >>84151 True, thanks. Initially i had no idea what you're talking about. However in an ironic twist of fate, metaLlama AI recommended to me https://endchan.net/robowaifu/

I often remember when somebody praises someone else, those times I most remember are such as "she not only studies math, she can program in C, and can speak such language", stuff like that. I have studied a few things, I can program in C, is no big deal, I am studying a couple different languages, I read some history books and some other books on other subjects, idk. I do it because I like it but then at some point, as I am thinking about all the different things I am interesteed in, I imagine someone else praising me (Not that there is anyone to praise me, I don't even let people know what I am studying or learning!), and saying "oh he speaks chinese and knows high-level math and can program computers", the last of which would pretty much a falsity despite the fact that I *could* write code in a few languages... But anyway, the point is that I then go and try to live up to such a false praise that I make up in my own mind, again, as if anyone would be there to praise me. Oh well, I do have a friend, she praises everybody whatever they might be or do. She used to talk so good of a friend of hers, which later I dated for a while, and most of her praise turned out to be quite, how shall I say it, optimistic. Not that it wasn't true, this girl had some stuff going on for herself, but the image of her in my friend's mind was somewhat inaccurate, as it turns out. I am sure if she talks about me to someone at all, which I hope she does not, she probably alreaedy says exactly those kinds of things: Oh he speaks chinese and programs computers and knows MATH! But the truth is I don't and for some reason I find myself trying to live u p to such praise which is after all just a construction of my ego. It's not like I am trying to live up to *her* praise, I am trying to live up to my own ego but it strays me from my way, that I end up going and getting some or other math book to keep up with my own self image even though I later realize I have no intention whatsoever in actually doing that, but I do feel as if I need, for some reason, to be able to be the kind of person of whom you could say "oh he knows math and he can read sanskrit!", and put pressure on myself so much pressure on my reading of so mmany different subjects even though I don't really do it for the sake of getting some benefit of it but simply because I like it and I'm very curious and I don't even finish books I have my own methodology for reading them and I don't care about being the kind of guy who can tell you a bunch of facts about organic chemistry or even that I have a very clear picture of that beyond just a few basic elementary things such as functional groups (in this case) which on one hand I would indeed expect to fit somewhere in my world model in some way that such information would be enriching but at the same time I don't really care about getting caught up in details and.... whatever. Case in point I have learned a lot about lisp but I haven't really used it at all, I don't even care about programming anymore but yet I still strive to understand lisp better because for some reason the whole consistency behind it is a matter that intrigues me and I feel somewhat, idk, guilty? as if I should make some of it, not just know it theoretically but to be able to do something with it even though I don't care about computers anymore. Same with math. I don't even care about mathematics anymore, just some marginal aspects of it. I don't know...

>be me >be in a relationship since I'm 15 (highschool sweetheart, first real relationship) >time pass >get really depressed because I don't know what to do with my life >time pass, still depressed, withdraw from society >13 years into the relationship >think i'm getting cheated on >so depressed i convince myself it's all in my head, it's just flirting at work or something, nobody likes a jealous partner >let it slide, while suffering in silence. >paranoia.jpg >a few months later, heavily stalking social accounts of the other person I think I'm getting cheated with (it became normal for me to do it a few times a week) >find more incriminating stuff. (Do you know how fuarrrked up it is to find that soykaf behind a computer screen, at night ?) >can't take it anymore >poor myself a glass, or two, or three.. >crying, never cried that much >after a few hours I find the courage to confront (did not sleep) >"Did you cheat on me?": "yes" ..fuarrrk >"Are.. are you in love?": *pause* "yes" fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk F >wanna kill myself right away, actually go for it, but my legs just give up after 4 steps away from the room and cry uncontrollably, total dark >after what feels like an eternity I calm myself. Decide to ask more questions because why the fuarrrk not I have nothing to lose. >"you were depressed", "you almost cheated on me when you were 17" (It's true, I had a crush on someone at the time, almost cheated but backed away cause I felt like soykaf) "You were not jealous, like you did not care" (wanna blow my brain out) >a few days of not talking to each other >not doing soykaf, because I don't know what to do really.. >I'm still in love, deep down I know I should leave, but i'm still in love >time pass >time pass >things are getting a bit more normal, they stopped seeing each other, most likely just because it was easier that way. >time pass >time pass >be today, 2 years later? Maybe 3? Idk, my brain stopped thinking about it at some point to protect my sanity. >relationship is still weird but mostly normal >sometimes my brain can't stop me from thinking about it and I get incredibly sad, like today >write this greentext on lainchan /vent/ There is no moral to that story. I just wanted to vent. I'm still lost. Maybe the relationship is doomed. Maybe not. I don't really want to think about it. Am I happy should be the real question here. But I've never been truly happy, I think I'm depressed since I was 12 or 13, maybe 14yo. I think I never experienced real normal daily happiness, so I can't answer that question. The relationship was the only thing that kept me alive when I was at the really bottom of my depression so that must count as something, I guess. I'll end the post with one word: fuarrrk.

I'm going to be 30 soon and not only have I accomplished nothing, I've failed to do the normal things almost everyone has down in interest for their own well-being. That's to say I don't even have a college degree and it's probably impossible for me to get a job, or at least a dignified one. I can do the things most lains can (program, write, etc) but even if I manage to get something nice with just these skills I know I'd hate selling my time away like that to some abstract capital's benefit and the absurdity of modern labor would drive me crazy in ways unemployment and hunger don't. The only thing I have in mind right now is, you guessed it, make my super special and unique indie game which will probably take me years to put out even if I don't work and eventually go homeless. There are so many people doing this right now I know the odds are stacked against me, I know I'll get zero success in an increasingly saturated market, that no matter how good I make it the inside of a product never matters, that it's doomed to drown in algorithmic noise, that artistic expression of this kind is thoroughly worthless, and more than worthless, a total waste, and yet it's the only thing I want to do.

>>84196 I was once in roughly this position (some skills but no job experience, cared about ideas for a videogame but otherwise very adverse to getting a job). The biggest issue with trying to pin your survival on the probably-doomed creative project is that the pressure to make money and survive and your motive to realize some artistic vision work against each other; you work on your first project, and it needs to be incredibly amazingly marketable to justify putting your hopes into it, but as your first project of course it will fail to live up to those expectations and the pressure to do so won't let it stand on its own terms. The solution is to acknowledge these as separate problems; your need for creative fulfillment, and your desire to survive. > it's probably impossible for me to get a job, or at least a dignified one >I'd hate selling my time away like that to some abstract capital's benefit and the absurdity of modern labor would drive me crazy in ways unemployment and hunger don't One way of maintaining your dignity and avoiding many of the things people often complain about with jobs is entrepreneurship. Being specific here is tricky, as most paths including mine aren't easily replicable, but I'm certain there are more plausible opportunities for self employment than making a successful indie game. Start small, pay attention to where money is flowing (especially flows of money not highly visible to everyone), and just start trying things relevant to your skills to gain information and experience. Even if you don't think you care about the survival thing, when it comes down to it you almost definitely will, so it's a problem worth addressing directly on its own. There's aspects of this that are more difficult and uncertain than getting a job, but if you hate the idea of a job enough they are not really that bad (fuarrrk jobs btw). Once that stabilizes, you will hopefully be in a situation where you can be flexible enough with your time to safely redirect effort to your less lucrative creative pursuits, something that would be harder with a 9-5.

>>84032 I'm currently on this exact journey. In meatspace there are groups that match my interests. I spent my entire life on the internet and I never found a community or talked to people. So far I've tried matrix, Discord, image boards, various forums and networks. Irc is the place. Its active enough to find good conversation and it has a mature tech focused community.

>>84197 It's "averse" not "adverse" sorry

>>84035 Hey, I have similar interests and i'm a similar age and also live in a small population. Im soykaf at hacking and ctf but I would be interested in chatting with you about how to find people to share interests with. I dream of one day having a computer club with a physical location for members to meet.

I am so sick of this soykaf. Life is empty for me. I hate waking up because it's a return to a world which is pointless and fills your head up with nonsense. There are so many different brands of nonsense people adopt in a futile attempt to find meaning in life, but I am done. Whether it's playing in the NHL, making a million dollars, having a family, playing with wooden blocks and toy trains, it's all the same to me, and I have outgrown my toys. What are you to do when you don't want to play anymore?

>>84219 I have that too where one day everything is like kicking dead whales down the beach and nothing has meaning, but no matter how I rationalize it, I always come to the same conclusion that it just comes from an emotional state and isn't grounded in reality, and it comes off the next day. Meaning is assigned, not inherent. Just sleep it off, literally

I've been reading about Jungian cognitive functions and the personality horoscope soykaf aside, it's still an interesting model of the psyche. The annoying thing is that all the discussion online is centered around MBTI and vague personality horoscope soykaf, rather than any kind of deep discussion around these cognitive functions as mechanisms and how they work, how you can develop them and so on. Even Jung didn't write too much on the subject. I wondered in particular how you can relate these functions to psychopathology and how potentially many disorders could simply be expressions of an overuse or underdevelopment of specific cognitive functions. In my case in particular, I can relate a lot to descriptions of schizoid and avoidant personality disorder, and these could potentially be some form of pathological introversion and chronically underdeveloped or unused or actively suppressed extroverted functions. I can identify how Extroverted Feeling in me tends to activate in social situations, but I don't like what it's telling me how I need to socially conform to a group and go against my own values. This creates an internal conflict, the consequence of which is usually anxiety and discomfort. In order to cope with this, I might even go as far as to suppress my Extroverted Sensing and I dissociate from direct experience and completely turn inward. Of course, when you are forced into social situations and there is no reasonable way to escape, you end up just fumbling your way through them, basically completely blind, not really paying attention to what's actively happening in the moment or what could potentially happen (Extroverted Intuition) so you end up being socially awkward and clumsy. Afterwards, nonetheless, the psyche tries to compensate and tends to force re-runs of the traumatic episode in an effort to deal with it so that next time you are better prepared, but no meaningful progress can be made internally. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach that Jung never wrote about schizoids or developed the functions further. The models based on this tend to just be gay horoscopes that get sold to corporations and most youtube content is very shallow and made for normal people. I'm not necessarily tied to Jung's functions in particular, but the introversion-extroversion distinction seems to be key but "introversion" also tends to be a corporate personality buzzword so I can't find anything the good stuff underneath all the garbage.

>Friends are getting worried because I "don't enjoy anything anymore" >I quit cigarettes this year, was successful at my job and led a pretty enormous creative project along with a team of 35 people at only 24 yo >So anyway pretty good year so far, but for some reason my friends say I force every smile and the only moment they saw a glimpse of happiness from me all year was for an hour when I was fuarrrked up on x, I don't even like ecstasy. I mean are they projecting or is there something to be worried about? When I was done with my big creative project everyone was happy and partying and I just quietly rolled my weed and felt kinda uneasy, one of my bros legit cried because apparently my behavior is depressing, like I just don't have fun at parties I'm an introvert gimme a break, but still yes I guess it was pretty odd for the director to act like this once the movie was successfully completed. I've been told recently that I'm allergic to happiness because I hate myself, I mean I do hate myself but who doesn't right? Usually I would just brush that soykaf off as nonsense but I hang out with a pretty tough crowd so it's weird seeing them emotional like this. Anyway what the fuarrrk should I do? Not only am I broke but every shrink in my country is basically a snake oil salesman, I lift, I meditate and I stay away from drugs and brainrot, that should be enough right? I don't really know what to think anymore

>>84246 Deflecting with personal achievements is usually a sign of unhappiness but it's also true that just about everyone is thoroughly miserable nowadays and most do not like being reminded of this, even unintentionally.

>>84249 Shit so that's just me being an attention whore right? I don't even feel sad or angry or whatever just numb, and that's better than what I've gotten used to. How do I hide that better? I mean this is really stressing out my friends for some reason and I kill the vibe at every social gathering lately, I don't want my friends to ditch me that'll be the worse. Should I just stop going to social gathering and study conversation, charisma and social cues until I get better? I've been reading "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" it's a pretty interesting read so far

>>84246 >one of my bros legit cried Sounds like you need to find some non-pussy friends.

>>84252 It was the culmination of 2 years of work so kind of an emotional moment for everyone involved, I'm the weird one for feeling nothing besides social anxiety

>>84250 >how to talk to anyone start with the summaries at the end of each chapter, and only read the text if you don't understand something. The book is much longer than its content.

Hurricane Helene hit a lot of places near me hard. I was only just now able to finally confirm everyone I know is safe since communications is down and power is out for lots of them. Sucks.

No matter how far I get or how much "progress" I make it's all an illusion. I hit the slightest speedbump and go falling all the way back down to the bottom. It's tiring watching everything fall apart again; it's happened so many times that it's changed from disappointing to simply uninteresting. I'm going to call in sick tomorrow and then again and again and then lose this job, my only good reference since I've been born. I can feel god laughing at me >how far will he get this time? >how little will it take to break him? >Haahaha find out after a quick message from our sponsors! and then it all happens again. I don't know why I keep mocking myself by trying again when I know how it ends, because it only ever ends that way. I continue to stuff my head full of information when everything I've learned is either a meaningless fun fact or evidence of cosmic horror. I continue to try to make friends when all I've ever made are address book entries to mock me as I don't call them. I continue to work just to pay interest on my own money. I continue to workout and bulk just to lose all the weight the next time I mope in bed all day. I am living the best lifestyle I ever have, I am further than I have ever been, and I am as lonely as ever. I cannot stop myself from sabotaging all of my schemes for improvement because no matter how far I run I'm still right there with me. It's like using longer and longer keys to send messages to your spy every time the messages get broken by the enemy, not realizing that the recipient is a double agent. Or you do realize it but you don't have anyone else in the area, so you just keep using the traitor like an idiot. And now I'm staying awake, begging anonymous internet strangers for attention, when the only things I identifiably need are human touch and sleep. Well?

fuarrrk I think I am becoming attracted to and attached to a mostly lesbian. She seems to be okay with guys if they look like girls but she also doesnt seem interested in dick. >>84286 You all should have lora communicators or something if you're living in a disaster prone zone.

>>84287 Yeah it's a mistake to strain yourself to try to make progress, avoid failure, and attain success. It's never enough and eventually you break down worse than before. I desperately tried to keep my progress and current existence going, and I just strained myself until my body physically broke. I'm glad it wasn't worse at least, my body healed a bit. But now I just can't do as much as I used to do at all. There's a distinction between giving up and not straining yourself. Everyone wants you to strain yourself for them. For their institutions, beliefs, activities. And they act as if they're not asking for much and they're entitled to what they're asking for because they devalue your efforts. They berate you saying you're not even trying and that you've given up, just for doing things at a sustainable pace. It's really difficult to put in a reasonable amount of effort, if you give up you can rest even if just for a bit, and if you put in any effort others will see you as a target to push work onto and harass. Straining yourself isn't sustainable though, and neither is giving up - eventually problems build up to the point something has to be done.

>>84290 I was in the same position. I hadn't had any luck with women for five years, so I didn't mind spending that social time talking with her online instead (as in, I didn't feel like the time I spent with her was stopping me from find a real girlfriend, lol). We became good friends and eventually I went to visit her, a ten hour bus trip (over two days). She was a student earning very little, so even with my minimum wage job I was still able to show her a good time. I booked a place for the week, and our initial day together went well enough (she was pretty confident I wasn't a murderer at this point and was too meek to force myself on her) that she stayed over the rest of the week after that. So...from out chats online, she was, as you said, 'mostly lesbian', but still curious about dick (though she'd prefer one on a woman) and mine seemed like a safe bet. She was very nice, would cuddle with me and even encourage me to grope her boobs when she was in the mood. Would walk around and exercise naked to taunt me. Still, if I got carried away, she'd let me know...Nothing else like this has ever happened to me before. This girl was really doing a maladjusted but ultimately kind dude a favour, and she clearly enjoyed the power she had over me. Of course that didn't bother me. She wasn't as sexually curious irl as over the internet, but I'd never got my hopes up too much and I'd still got a lot of intimacy out of our time together. When it was nearly time for me to return home, and feeling it pressed against her while cuddling, she finally decided she wanted to see what it looked like. The memory is comical, almost out of a TV show. She was aghast at the sight of it. She couldn't understand how it was supposed to fit. She must have been playing this up, because I'm pretty average and she must have seen dicks online. She saw it grow, and began to prod at it with a confused look of disgust. I laughed, this was too unreal. She asked me how she was supposed to take care of it (never got that blowjob we'd discussed online) and I had to explain and show jerking off to her. She gave it the ol' college try, looking slightly repulsed the whole time. It wasn't arousing, I could only chuckle in my head imagining trying to tell this story to someone else later. After...not very long she asked how long this was going to take, and I told her that I didn't think it was going to work like this...and that she would finally have to admit she is in fact not bisexual and just a lesbian. I have no regrets. For someone who rarely leaves the house and spends most of their meager wage on food, video games and drugs, it was worth every penny, the week with this girl. It gave me the strength to keep an open mind that I might meet someone again someday. That a woman like this could exist. I just need to find one that's into guys, even if it takes another five years...these weird, intelligent, seemingly liberal women who have a soft spot for strange, funny internet losers. My life is bleak but something nice like this happens every couple years that stops me from killing myself (a year after this I made friends with a new coworker who started crossdressing more and more around me, we grew closer over the months until they came out as trans and we developed a sexual relationship before things mutually ended recently). Though things are bleak once more, and I only work part time now because I can't cope with life/don't have anything to work towards warranting a fulltime job...I can only hope that 2025 or 2026 will bring me something even more interesting. tl;dr there is hope

>>84292 I'm not even trying to make my parents proud or anything anymore, I'm just trying to not live like this

>>84296 r u ok, we love u njb3rfhefkh v

>>82800 sigma grind continue to grind my sloopie

>>82869 a storm is always coming but never there

I am conflicted. I dont know if I should bother going to univeristy. I am young, I will be 20 soon. I only have a GED. With this I can't go to any universities in Europe aside the U.K, but I don't have any interest in studying in the U.K. To study elsewhere in Europe i.e a country in which I will not be bankrupted by student loans, I will have to waste more of my time and money getting a better diploma. To me, a large component of the university experience is socialization. I believe that this can only be truer when studying abroad. In general, I think traveling, and living abroad are meant for social people, they can't be anything but a hollow experience without socializing, I know because I've done them without socializing. It is also much harder to survive while living abroad without forming relationships with people. I am an autistic creep weirdo loser maniac. I do not struggle to make acquaintances/friends, people seem drawn to me to some degree, but people soon realize that I'm not soykaf, that I am a autistic loser weirdo maniac. Once they realize this, they do not make any effort to maintain contact with me, and I don't bother keeping contact with them. I think you can get away with being asocial when studying in your home country, but I think to study abroad and be asocial is pointless. All that money, just to get a degree and a job? It's easier to study on your own in your home country and get certs. Careers don't matter to me, I will not live my life for the pursuit of wealth or the maintenance of fuarrrking job. I actually have some experience with "studying abroad" because I had to learn a foreign language in a foreign country at an institute hosted inside of a university, where most of the students intended to enter into the university after receiving their language certs. Most people were social, very few were asocial, and the asocial ones soon made long-term friends. Except for me, I graduated from the institute without any friends because I burned every relationship I made there. I didnt care for maintaining the relationships I made, I could not relate to anyone I met there, I had nothing in common with anyone I met. It could be that people in this country, and in this part of the world, are simply different from "western people" (I'm not in a "western country") and so they are harder for me relate to due to cultural differences. Cultural differences might be a factor in my inability to socialize, but if they are, they would only be a factor accentuating a pre-existing social ineptitude I possess. I have always been a shy person. I have not returned to America yet, so I have no idea if my inability to form meaningful relationships will persist while I am there. My conflict stems from the fear of missing out. A large part of having a meaningful life is generating memories of experiences that were meaningful to you, otherwise you'll die having done nothing, unless you lose your memories of all of the things you did. I have come to learn that these experiences almost always necessitate other human beings. I have pretended for years now that I don't need other people to live an enjoyable life, and to a degree I do not. But in the grand scheme of things, I do need human interaction. I have gone without it for a long time, and it has left me an emotionally stunted husk of a human being. I could easily drift through life on this path, but it's all meaningless to me, I'm reaching the breaking point, there's no reason continue this existence. So I reach out to people in my vicinity, and try to form connections with them, but I can't, because I feel nothing toward them. Is it really just 'cultural differences'? I'm afraid of becoming a 30-something year old NEET who shied away from all of life's experiences, and doomed theirself to mediocrity for their remaining 50 years of life. I have seen it happen to people. I think I would stick a gun in my mouth if I wound up like that. Each year of my life feels shorter than the last, I'm 11 years away from becoming that person, but it could easily seem as though it happened overnight. I feel as though I have the entire world at my fingertips, but I could so easily squander it all, intentionally or accidentally, and all the while I could so easily kill myself to avoid all of the bullshit of life. That's just being young I guess. I guess the takeaway is to get a higher diploma, leave this country, return to America, see how I do, and take it from there. Definitely not studying there.

>>84312 My experience is that uni is where being a loser sort of ceases to be a thing. I think I thought a lot like you when I came to uni and the only things people ended up not liking me for were my own unempathetic or self destructive tendencies. Things that were not personality traits anyways but things I needed to work on, and the people I met helped me see that. Much of it stemmed from the insecurity of thinking i was a loser or reject, and I came to learn as lame as it sounds that at least in places like universities or colleges that not everyone had some hivemind about what a loser was and that as long as I tried to be a good person id make friends. Id tell people I got close to who I thought would never want to be friends with me that all my life leading into highschool I basically had no friends and spent all my time online and was a shut in outside of school and its like it was just part of my backstory to them not any mark against me. It was liberating and I learned to love people again. Most of the people at uni who cared about or were judging if people were losers or not ended up becoming kind of isolated themselves and sort of were seen as stupid peaked in highschool types while the rest of us were there to make connections or work on the things we were passionate about. I will say its always worth it to go to a college or university (if its affordable for you or you can do it for free) if you have something you really want to learn or are passionate about. My one regret is I was not self realized enough to be passionate about anything my first time at college (barely graduated), several years later im attending classes again and very focused on what im doing and I think I wouldnt want to spend my time anywhere else. You cant help but make friends because everyone inherently bonds over the work they are doing. Sometimes I just stay after class and help organize or clean things because I dont really have any interest in going home.

I hate the situation I'm in. I'm less than a year away from earning my Bachelor's and I know what line of work I wanna go into, but the US really isn't the best place to live in. I have two main paths I can do: >Stay in the US for the rest of my life and live under constant anxiety from surveillance and data leaks due to poor privacy laws. >Pick an EU country to consider migrating to, learning the language of it, and immigrating to it and become a citizen of it. At the cost of most of my meaningful connections. I'm split on what path I should take. The former lets me stay where I was born and have a relatively normal life, but due to how poorly privacy is treated I'll always have to worry about my personal data and being watched (among various other issues with the US). The latter will give me a better quality of life, but most meaningful connections I have now will either be stretched or ended, and with my social skills IDK how well I would fair in a completely new country and culture even if I learn the language. I wouldn't mind hearing stories of US to EU migrants giving their experiences. >>84312 I don't know the situation in your country (Eastern Europe from the sounds of it), but a blue collar job can get you something and have a way to form relationships with coworkers. It's what I did before entering college to get some money, though I never did form long term relations with anyone. As for returning to America IDK why you'd consider that given that the nearly all countries (mainly EU ones) in Europe will treat you better and has better protections for its citizens.

I am 27 years old, I live with my parents, i'm a shut in, socialising is scary etc. Making posts like this leaves me paranoid someone is silently following me online like I do to so many other people. But the people I follow are usually interesting and creatives in some way, there's no reason to e-stalk me I think, I don't really 'post' much, and it's not 'creative' work or interesting, I share the surface of opinions, not many people see it, what I post isn't really anything. I am a very shallow and jealous person. I see posts that are relatable in some way to feeling lonely, unskilled, unable to improve or enjoy much of anything made by people who create and share art, well thought out and communicated opinions, and I hate sharing those feelings with them because I am so much lesser. I don't do what I want to do. I wanna draw or make music or understand something better then obviously i need to pick up a pencil, a book, but I don't, or if I do it's not for long, I don't get much from it except frustration and feeling empty, but I still want to do those things, but I don't do it, I don't feel like I know how. I read how to do something and don't feel like I understand and I don't know what to do then. I don't enjoy it. I really want help, I have a therapist, they've said I've 'made progress' but i don't really see it. I want to be with someone who can teach me something and be my friend. Idk what to do. Dying would be good but that takes a lot, whenever I read online about suicide methods it sounds difficult to do and really painful. I just want to take a pill and not wake up, that'd be ideal. Would a therapist ever tell you that they don't think they're doing much good for you? I'm really suspicious of them just saying some soykaf to keep you going when you're in the same place.

>>84348 I would return to America to work, and maybe do some time in community college to fulfill whatever requirements I need to go to universities in Europe. Also just to visit for a little bit and see what it's like, I've been away for years. None of that may be necessary though, it's too early to tell. I don't think you should leave America just because of privacy concerns. Europe is no better. The GDPR is a complete joke, read it if you haven't. Their privacy laws are worthless. They still willfully host clandestine activities run by the CIA and NSA at blacksites and embassies. But, the quality of life is much better than in America, housing is not ridiculously expensive in at least some EU countries (if not most). Healthcare is accessible and won't bankrupt you. Technically the country I'm in is part of the EU but most wouldn't consider it "European". I can't work here, open a bank account, or do much of anything, because I don't have an ID. I'm sort of in flux right now, in between situations. I hate it here. You can't know how you will fair in a country until you live there. Learning languages isn't too hard if you immerse yourself, and learning at an institute will immerse you. Also you only need basic knowledge of a language in order to function in a foreign country, within 3-4 months of learning most languages (this was the case for the language I had to learn which is a level IV language for native English speakers) you will know enough to be able to make requests, ask directions, and hold basic conversation. I don't know how the culture is in the EU but I bet it is better than in America, at least in terms of how people interact with each other.

bruh i can't even post i just keep getting told "go away spammer" dude i haven't been here in years and im not spamming soykaf. gdi kalyx

i have no idea what language enhancer im hitting so rip that vent post content creators kinda suck, i love some of em, but fuarrrk, viewcount obsessed assholes, with all kindsa fuarrrked up trauma that causes that, i feel bad, but also miss making anon content, having a concurrent identity is like kicking dead whales down the beach

I'm disappointed in myself. I wanted to quit the internet and electronic media for a week, but failed. This is usually an easy feat for me, but now that I'm wage slaving my weeks are characterized by suffering. I work a job that should be right up my ally and lots of fun, but I lack a care for money and toys unless it will help me get out civilization. I want only higher pleasures than materialistic plastic nonsense. Work, no matter how much you claim to love it, is absolute suffering if you climb above the messages put out by marketers and the background noise of our consumerist world. I feel like an actual slave, I feel constantly humiliated, doing bullshit tasks for arbitrary reasons, while wasting time I could be spending reading and foraging for absolute idiocy. And I should be lucky for the pay, home, and work I get to do? Cities are a fuarrrking JOKE. GET ME OUT

>>82788 why am i still here? "here", as in life. i've found believing myself less and less. if x happens, then surely i will be happy, but it's never like that. i'm just a sad sack of waste, working job i will never like (still applicable, even if I change my job), having 70% of my income taken away. there just isn't any will left in me to fight. you could dangle a carrot made of gold in front of me and i'd still not care at this point. this is simply a wasted existence, no goal, no desire to get better, just living day to day, time running by without me paying attention. friends left, no significant other, just me alone in my piece of soykaf flat, drinking either energy drinks or alcohol and waiting for my heart or kidneys to give out. some people simply aren't fit to live a life and i'm one of them

Some people are happy by nature, some are shown how to be happy by their parents. Other people are not happy by nature, and were not shown how to be happy by their parents. For these latter people, the only option is to train their own minds to be happy, either on their own, or with the help of others. If you want to try to do this by yourself, I would recommend the book "Feeling Good" by Burns. If you would like to try with the help of others, I would recommend finding a local Buddhist temple and learning about zen.

>>84369 The hardest thing about starting a creative endeavor is understanding that it will never be pleasant. You don't do these things (drawing, writing, making music, etc.) because you like it (who likes looking at their soykaf drawings and their poor understanding of 3D space for thousands of hours?), you stick with it because you have to. Because, unlucky you, for some reason or another you're pregnant. Even with emptiness itself. You make a sustainable plan with missable goals and stick to it every day while trying your best to ignore the inner voices coming from the gash that made you what you are now, or if you're smart you tune into them at the right times and use their venom as a cure. We've been spoiled to expect pleasure from life and this ruins us. In a way you're lucky mindless pleasure isn't enough to keep you going. Though it hardly feels that way.

>>84393 Writing is pretty enjoyable without needing years of training (unless you count reading), though. Even if proofreading can be a slog. t. fanfic writer

>>84184 There has to be something pulling you down. Drugs, porn; quit doing that soykaf; you are meant for more and worth much more.

>>84393 >The hardest thing about starting a creative endeavor is understanding that it will never be pleasant. You don't do these things (drawing, writing, making music, etc.) because you like it I've been playing guitar and writing music for decades, solely because I like it. It's nice when someone else likes it, too. But I would still do it and enjoy it if no one else existed. The best results are more like things you discovered, not created. It's not an ego thing, it's a pleasure thing.

Feeling more and more disconnected with the people around me. They don't like the things I dig into and vice versa. I want to make acquaintances irl, but honestly I'm starting to give up. It's too energy draining to try to fake interest into other people's hobbies and opinions. The people I met are too self centered, and as a result there's no space for debate or discussion of any kind.

>>82788 I don't understand people. I'm 24 years old and I will probably never know how to talk to other people :(

>>82788 Something made me think of this. I don't think I should've scoffed at that girl for putting a rick astley sticker on her macbook. Then again a lot of internet references do not rest well with me

>>84393 i can come to terms with the process not being always pleasant and enjoyable, (or, i have been able to do that at times) but i never feel like any plans i try to stick to work for me, nothing to show for it most of the time. i don't really feel able control my inner voices most of the time either, i can influence them sometimes. I haven't been feeling very present lately enough to do any of that >>84394 reading is also difficult for me :( i wanted to try to get in to rp in some way again cus i did that as a little kid and it's just meant to be fun with online friends, right? but idk i'm never sure how to start or what to do or describe the thing i want to describe and i just get anxious about what the other person is thinking even though they've known me for over a decade now technically. fanfic is adjacent to rp in my brain idk if that makes sense >>84396 What was your path with guitar like? i tried to learn and i could very roughly play a couple songs kinda by copying people in youtube videos for like a year but i stopped cus i realised it took me a year or more to do that and i thought i was probably doing something wrong

>>84407 >was your path with guitar like? When I was about 14 some guy upstairs insisted I learn guitar, and being 14 I just said, "Duh, ok..." I had a friend who played guitar and we had fun learning together. I liked it so I just kept goimg. >i tried to learn and i could very roughly play a couple songs kinda by copying people in youtube videos I learned by listening to music and trying to make the same sounds and feelings. I learned how to finger-pick from a book by Happy Traum. Never really learned how to read music. >but i stopped cus i realised it took me a year or more to do that and i thought i was probably doing something wrong If you're messing around with a guitar and making some sounds you like once in a while, then you're not doing anything wrong. If you play one note and like the sound of it, then you're doing it right. Then you play some notes in a row and like the way it sounds. Then you play two or three notes at the same time and enjoy the sound. Then you say to yourself, "Hey that sounds just like (some song you like)" and you learn how to play the song. And it's fun (mostly) and you put up with the sore fingers and frustrations because you enjoy the sounds you're making. There aren't any right sounds or wrong sounds. Louie Armstrong said, "There's only two kinds of music... music that sounds good and music that doesn't sound good." And you're the one who gets to decide if it sounds good or not.

kinda want to buy a firearm (I am not forbidden from owning one) but don't want to subject myself to a background check (de facto gun owner registry, avoidable by buying from someone who isn't an FFL/dealer) since the Ruby Ridge trial never came to completion, I don't trust a private seller on Craigslist or at a gun show not to be a federal agent sent to entrap me by secretly having rifled the gun's barrel beforehand or whatever the fuarrrk would make it illegal for a civilian to possess, idk gun laws so that I'll be arrested and charged with Weapons Trafficking the moment I pull out of the parking lot the only people I would trust to keep this purchase on the down-low either live too far away to assist me, or think that being transgender and “taking mind altering drugs” — literally just HRT; I am not nor have I ever been prescribed drugs for any actual psychiatric condition, nor have I been diagnosed — means I'd be a risky buyer per 15 USC §7903 (5)(B)

Right now I feel like I'm in a spot where no matter what I do I'll lose. I'm going back to college because I didn't have the best job ever, which is my decision. But because the job I was working is with the school system I now have limited days I can work, when I have expensive insurance and a loan on my car. If I leave college then I'll have more work days to pay off expenses but I'll spend way longer with a job that'll leave me with less. Even if I get my act together and do my own thing, any success big enough to put my name out there would also lead people to an internet footprint with a lot of embarrassing autism for other people to find. It feels like no matter which way I take things something is going to bite my ass. Which obviously that's life, nothing's going to be perfect now or probably ever. But before typing this out I realized there's a college assignment I'm not going to have time to complete tonight. And when that happened I came so close to crying with the frustration that I'm not sure I can do what's right in any scenario.

>>84419 Same kinda ? I need finish my project in a year or i am a goner.I also get a lot of pressure to stop being gay

>>84421 Oh dude, I actually feel so bad for you :( , but I will say this: a few months ago I had a suicide attempt in the bathroom (opened veins), my mother came home from work and saw it, called an ambulance. After that a man and his friends suddenly came into my life online and are healing me now, so sometimes I regret that I thought life was THIS soykafty. No, life sure is soykaf, but it hasn't gotten to the point of ending my life. Now we still have all sorts of inspections and stuff going on at our house and it's not a pleasant process. You don't know me in real life, but just know that there's a girl named Dmirl on the internet and she's worried about you and believes that you'll stand up and deal with all this soykaf (. .)

>>84415 >buy a gun w/o a background check lots of small-scale firearms dealers who sell w/o background check, many states do not require the check for private sales >craigslist what the fuarrrk is wrong with you use actual local gun-selling websites (e.g: armslist) >entrapment by rifling the barrel ...what? please learn a little (or a lot more) about guns before you buy one... maybe get a gun-owning friend to take you shooting >transgender make sure you don't fail question 21(g) on form 4473, otherwise you really shouldn't be owning a gun p.s: if you do buy a gun, you must vote red in every election or your sights will forever be crooked. 2A > benis

>>84415 >>84423 forgot to mention re: scared of registry the de facto registries are all bullshit, but trying to dodge them via private seller is a losing battle example: for a long while, google was indexing the serial number of every firearm that appeared in a photo they could scrape. you used to be able to search serial numbers and get photos of the firearm (uncertain if still around)

>>84422 i will do my best , you do yours too

i've been trying to kill myself on a spiritual level. at least that's the conclusion i'm reaching. porn fetishes tend to be a reflection of inner conflicts. and after all the depression and unfulfilled suicidal ideation, it appears that some deeper part of me has ended up believing that it's truly not worth living through this. but it doesn't really know how to work it out because i'm too much of a coward to go kill myself. so what it does instead is work with what its got. if it can't get me to fatally injure my body, it instead tries to kill the light inside of me. with all sorts of degeneracy, mostly porn. and i actually see the symbolic correspondence in what it's gotten me into, the light being snuffed by the darkness. it's very subconscious type in a way. the goal seems to be the complete neutering, sterilization, the deadening of what makes me suffer from this idiotic world and its inhabitants, this inner soulfulness i have, this primal value for something i cannot describe. to kill it so i do not suffer from its presence. so i can be a zombie like all the others, and go through life unaware of what goes on and is done to me. if unable to stop me from living through this, might instead try to stop me from being there at all. as far as it can manage. to obliterate myself.

>>84427 what we need is a cult. someone who doesn't let their inner flame of soulfulness get to them, who is genuinely capable of bringing about a good new world. who stands for an ideal to be realized. someone who's worth following. not some demonkike thing

How come I can't play TF2 without someone spamming rockets and pyro blasts at me? How come I can't play PUBG without getting screwed by cheaters and tryhards? How come I can't play Tekken without having to memorize rules for 200 hours? How come I can't win a game of CSGO unless I queue up with a full stack? Literally everything about multiplayer games has gotten worse in the past 10 years and it makes me so mad.

>>84433 People don't have time for casual hobbies anymore, it's largely either tryhards which devote all their spare time or nothing. And the tryhards push away the casual hobbyists.

>>84372 >Also just to visit for a little bit and see what it's like I personally wouldn't recommend staying for too long outside of education. The culture here is toxic and often revolves around political or celerity bullshit which each every other day have a report of "$FAMOUS_PERSON doing $CULTURE_WAR messages for one side". Your quality of life will be much better if you avoid it at all costs if you do come here. Though IDK how you'll be able to without an ID... >I don't think you should leave America just because of privacy concerns. Europe is no better. The GDPR is a complete joke, read it if you haven't. Their privacy laws are worthless. They still willfully host clandestine activities run by the CIA and NSA at blacksites and embassies. Fair enough I guess. Though at least they have laws at all. Here you're lucky if your state has them. I'd rather have something than nothing, but I'll keep that info in mind. >Learning languages isn't too hard if you immerse yourself, and learning at an institute will immerse you. Also you only need basic knowledge of a language in order to function in a foreign country, within 3-4 months of learning most languages (this was the case for the language I had to learn which is a level IV language for native English speakers) you will know enough to be able to make requests, ask directions, and hold basic conversation. Funnily enough I am taking teaching English to speakers of other languages (TESOL) classes at my university as part of my Bachelors so I'm familiar with how second language acquisition works, despite me not wanting to become a teacher. The biggest issue is after graduation I'll have to pick the language of the country I'd want to move to and find where it's taught in my local city. I know my learning style and unless I can use the language in useful ways often it will take a long time for me to learn it. Sadly my university didn't have many good choices for my last two semesters so I'm stuck learning American Sign Language. I do have a list of countries in the EU I'd consider moving to, and apart from Ireland I'd have to learn either German, Dutch, or Danish. I'd be more willing to learn French, but I'd rather not learn another Romance language after forgetting Spanish from high school. Other than the language issues I'd see what I could work for in where I move to. TESOL would make my life miserable so it's a no go (ignoring the fact I don't meet all the requirements for the certificate), but maybe there's work for native English speakers for translating various things for businesses?

Idrk why I'm saying this here, but I recently learned what mutual love is. Wow.. <3 It's such an incredibly satisfying feeling. I feel needed and loved when he comes up to me, looks into my eyes and smiles. He asks me ridiculous questions because he's in love with me, he waves at me from afar or when he comes up behind me...... I'm so happy. It really brings me back to life

>>84465 ...ok

ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years prior to that i had an ex/friend we slowly distanced cause i was just a lot and to be fair so were they. After it I decided that feeling of possessiveness and always wanting to be around someone wasnt love, and wasnt sustainable. So I never felt like that about my current girlfriend, and in a sense its worked out a lot better we obviously have been together for a long time. I am a good boyfriend everyone seems to think that including her, and her friends often say how lucky she is and really like me, and i take a lot of pride in it but in the way someone takes pride in their work. Most of this does not come naturally I just think a lot and make considerable efforts, when she does stuff for me its like she cant help it she just had to get me this or that or whatever else. Recently though I started being out and about more, I met someone in a class shes a lot older and we have become friends. Ive thought about my ex the entire time I was with my girlfriend but once i became friends with this person it just vanished. It makes me question my belief that love is in fact a choice and not just something that happens, and it makes me question if ive been happy with my girlfriend at all. I see this other person 3 times a week and almost every other day I just think about how I want to see her again. Sometimes for very practical normal like she comes in late and someone took the seat next to me she sits somewhere else, and it almost will cause me to spiral. Or when she starts talking to someone else, I get that childish feeling of "your my friend you cant do that". Im old enough now to not let it bother me, I know its destructive, but the fact that I feel that way at all has me worried. I really enjoy these classes but it can be hard to focus because I just want to talk to her the whole time, and then when I go home I feel guilt at not being present with my actual girlfriend. woe is me woe is me. obviously this isnt that big of a deal, and sometimes with these things its like I wonder if my brain is just trying to entertain itself with drama. Unfortunately the self awareness of that doesnt give any clarity as to whether that is or isnt whats going on, it just makes others think you are doing it all on purpose. Theres nothing to do about this, only time will tell, and everyone has their own ideas about love and so everyone has a completely different thing to say to me when I mention this. But this is vent, so im venting to stop thinking about it.

i never had any friends i have always been friendless, and that is okey by me aslong as i get to talk to someone ones a week or at work i don't feel,

>>84511 I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable (.❛ ᴗ ❛.)

Life if just over. I'm only existing at this point, I never look forward to anything, never get excited but I'm not sad either. I have no worries and I'm bored and confused because I've never felt like this before so I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. All the troubles and anxieties that I've had all my life are gone and now I'm stuck in this weird state.

>>84511 friends have a 50-50 chance of betraying you or ghosting you over some petty bullshit anyways. like >>84512 said just make the most out of life. I don't want to presume that you're on the spectrum (a plurality of imageboard users probably are, especially on lesser known boards) but yeah, as a somewhat lonely autist myself things can get difficult. I try to utilize healthy copes like diet, exercise, new games and media, vacation (not fancy ones like going to a foreign country on the other side of the ocean per se but just stuff like driving 2 hours to a state park or whatever once every 3 to 4 months or so [USA friend here]). When the healthy copes stop working good old alcohol and drugs are there for me, but depending on your situation that may be a no-go. good luck lainon.

>i am soul crushingly lonely and I feel terrible >i despise talking to people how do I fix this? I've been told I'm just talking to the wrong people, but... I have good relationships online, but even participating in activities with people that share my interests beyond brewing soykaf and bartering feels like a chore. People invite me to do things together but I genuinely have to tell them I don't enjoy doing things with other people and shut them down, because it's true. Sometimes I relent because I feel bad and guilty for being this way, and I crave being alone again all the way through. I guess I wish I could enjoy things like other people do, but I feel like I don't. Feels like my brain is missing something and I'm deprived of the joy of sharing experiences with others, with no replacement.

>>84522 Sometimes people do activities with other people not because they enjoy the activities, but just the company of other people. Personally, I prefer solitude, and seldom feel lonely. Different people, different wiring.

I can't converse with anyone irl and it's driving me insane. I've been going to coffee shops because I don't know what else to do. I bring a book so that I have something to do while I sit there and drink coffee and have my lunch. Sometimes a girl will come sit next to me or across from me at a table next to me, which indicates some sort of interest in interacting because they could have chosen to sit anywhere else but instead went with sitting next to me. I look up from my book, they smile, I return their smile and make a mental note of their probable interest, I go back to reading, and that's that. I understand that I should say hello. I understand that by not saying hello and instead going back to reading, I'm inadvertantly signalling disinterest. I still can't say hello. I want to scream.

>>84522 >Feels like my brain is missing something You're just not in the right state of mind to enjoy socializing. You have to be in the moment and basically immerse yourself in direct experience and react to it without thinking. This is ultimately the difference between extroverted and introverted people. The introvert is exhausted because he processes everything through a layer of internal monologue which requires energy and as consequence he develops a preference for stability and predictability in his environment because it's easier to handle. Even though you value having connections with people and being part of a group, your primary mode of processing the world makes it feel like a "chore". In the short-term, you could try various social drugs, they might open you up and give you at least a different perspective, then once you can differentiate between these modes, perhaps you can switch modes whenever the situations calls for it. If you need to solve an abstract problem or ponder a philosophical question, you step into introverted mode. If you need to attend to your direct experience and react to it without delay, then you step into extroverted mode. This is why most people drink when they go out, because alcohol seems to help some people enter that state more easily, although you also sacrifice some of your other mental faculties.

>>84526 First of all, I would like to know (if possible) how old are you? But I think you need a) you can try yourself at running your own blogs. in the sense that you don't have to reveal your identity, but just talk somehow, pretending that you are interacting with someone or responding; b) you can create your so-called anonymous personal diary on social networks where you can be sincere with yourself, without fear that anyone will find out your identity (from this is really easier, since you will be able to understand yourself better). personally, I used 2 options and it helped me, even though it was a difficult path for 2 years, and even though occasionally I am also closed, but the fact that I have become much freer is already pleasing. And I hope you can do it too, dude. I really believe in you (｡•‿•｡)

>25 >Ugly, dumb and weird >Molested as a kid >Both times I tried to have sex with a woman I got a panic attack and puked everywhere >Only sex I've ever had was with my abuser >No self esteem, hate myself Will I ever get to be loved? I just want to cuddle with someone, anyone at this point, I don't even mind if it's someone I'm not attracted to. For now I'm lifting weights and going to work but I think about killing myself everyday because I'm so desperately lonely. I've been told to go into a relationship take it slow and then drop the "I got molested" speech once I have build enough trust, I can't even get a first date that's how repulsive I am, never even went on a date. I have friends and little siblings but I just feel so alone, should I just kill myself? I can't fuarrrking take it anymore

>>84542 >should I just kill myself? Please somebody say yes, all I need is for someone to recognize how hopeless my situation is so I can finally free myself.

>>84543 No (go get a therapist or start meditating and get your head out of your ass)

>>84544 My country's therapists suck ass, also I've been doing 30 minute guided meditation everyday for the past 2 years. You got any more enlightening advice? I've basically spent my whole life self improving already

>>84545 you're uhh - convincing yourself that you're ugly, dumb and weird which literally makes you that (negative feedback loop) - can't come to terms with your trauma - want "love", whatever that is? is it gonna solve your problems? are you ready to receive it? - putting your self worth on arbitrary soykaf - not thinking how to solve these problems - somehow didn't figure this out meditating for 2 years

>>84546 >- convincing yourself that you're ugly, dumb and weird which literally makes you that (negative feedback loop) I don't believe in the lookist "beautiful people think beautiful thoughts" retoric The reason I think I am stupid and weird is because I get told often how weird I am and can't perform basic task due to drug abuse when I was a teenager so yeah I'm kind of dumb. Also I don't think a 25 yo male virgin can be considered attractive. >- can't come to terms with your trauma "Just stop having panic attacks dude it's all in your head" >- want "love", whatever that is? is it gonna solve your problems? are you ready to receive it? It's not gonna solve all my problems but it'll make me less suicidal for sure yeah, I just need to self improve more I guess and maybe one day I'll be ready I guess, the way you put it sounds like I don't even deserve this basic human right, my fault for getting my ass raped, right? >- putting your self worth on arbitrary soykaf Shut the fuarrrk up what even is that argument, like I get that you're trying to help but cmon, does this even make sense to you?

>>84542 >but I think about killing myself everyday because I'm so desperately lonely. >should I just kill myself? I can't fuarrrking take it anymore >Please somebody say yes, all I need is for someone to recognize how hopeless my situation is so I can finally free myself. Go monkmode for a month. Avoid all electronics outside of work. >bored Write. Sew. Learn about plants.

>>84550 >ebooks No. Physical medium only. >music Only if you're playing the instrument. A good time to learn how to play if you don't already. >waaah need digital stimuli The idea is to get yourself away from outside stimuli that you have no direct manipulation of. You can be engrossed in an ebook, but you can't accidentally tear the page, and thus don't appreciate it's fragility.. Monkmode is a means of grounding yourself, and to take pleasure and appreication in the little things of everyday life.

>>84552 Yeah I appreciate physical copies of books but lately I have been stuck playing steam and reading ebooks too much :(

>>84552 >Monkmode is a means of grounding yourself, and to take pleasure and appreication in the little things of everyday life. Yeah I get that, I'll try doing that because I obviously have nothing better to do but this all kind of seems like a cope imo, I don't mean to diss your lifestyle but this all kinda sounds like "don't worry about being alone forever as long as you manage your screentime you'll be alright" I'll try monkmode cause why not but I strongly doubt that this will make me less suicidal.

>>84553 Then when you wake up tomorrow, disconnect. Go find some chickweed growing near you. Go find a plant you don't know the name of an draw it's leaves. See if there are any similarities.

>>84554 No offense taken. I can't promise you it'll help, but I'm hoping it might. The addiction of consuming social media is detrimental to the psyche. If you can find happiness within yourself, if you can learn to love yourself (without fapping/shlicking, ideally) you won't demand anothers love.

>>84542 no unhelpful platitudes, just wanted to say I'm praying for you lain, you seem nice and I hope you find someone

If nothing else, this thread is making me feel less alone in being alone. It's hard for everyone, huh?

>>84562 Nooo my depression is unique and special, except im not depressed it's everyone else's fault, I'm the first person to ever feel truly alone, you're just a glitterboy if you ever express any hope or positive sentiments!

>>8457 beauty is not everything

Might be some weak soykaf compared to what others here are dealing with, but I'm going through losing a lover/friend for the first time. It feels like hell. I wonder if I'll ever find anyone like her again. I wish I knew how to deal with it. Maybe I should just become a real person in case someone so affectionate drops from the sky again. I am one of those apartments with nothing in it but a TV and a matress on the floor. Stable, good enough for some, but so very dull and empty. No wonder she moved on.

fuarrrk I can't figure out how to approach that mostly lesbian girl to get closer to her. She's not easy to figure out for starters.

Champagne problems: being a renter, and really internalizing the implications of that, has gouged out the part of my brain that found tech, or other hobbies, interesting more-or-less for its own sake. Money spent on radios, equipment, or time spent on hunting cheaper prices for above, time spent working with above, is all pointless relative to accumulating as much money as possible to acquire the most aggressive mortgage possible on some overpriced house in order to get out the precarious situation in which losing my job, or becoming disabled, or acquiring some rare disease with resulting medical bills, means I go homeless, or back to my parents' place. My dark, secret hope is that political change brings some kind of absolution from this undead way of living. but for now, kubectl get pods!!!

got a cold got loads to do at work fumin

Lainons. This girl keeps fuarrrking winking at me (in a group setting). Like I am pretty sure she has winked at me specifically like 6 times in the last 2 days. I just smile back. What do

>>84623 talk to her, dumdum. "Hey uhhh why do you wink at me?" easy as potatoes

>>84624 not poster your replying to but this sort of question can be really intimidating to some people, although maybe its not the sort of people you want around anyway. As in thats totally not a bad idea at all its the honest and straightforward thing to do, I just know some people totally crumble at that kind of question. I had a friend who would ask stuff like that like just blow every little subtle gesture I did into the open which was cool cause I learned a lot answering but there was times when itd make me so anxious I wanted to run. Not just me either shes made total strangers kind of break. I never thought badly of her for it though in fact I thought it was admirable, again stressing totally not a bad idea just food for thought. im a little snake roach creature thing so id probably just start talking to the person more on on one and asking every other question except why they are winking at me until I feel its the "right time" whatever that means. Hence why people asking stuff like "why do you do x body language thing around me" make me anxious. I get scared to know the answers to questions like that, I always try to figure it out before im told for some reason. I dont reccomend its tedious work.

>>84623 Since she likes sign language, blow here a kiss. If she smiles, go over and say hi. If she looks at you funny, forget her.

>>82800 can you elaborate ? I can't picture it in my head, hypertrophy means you having bigger muscles, is that a problem ?

hey, sorry for the way i treated some of you. i can be a brusque and brash person, and i got my own history and life issues to boot. so just know that if some anon really went at you some day past, insulted you, agitated you, that might have been me. hope it didn't made you feel too bad. it's jut how i am, you know, i get like that sometimes. know that when you are negative towards others, even just online, it seems like nothing but can have an insidious impact, so please just think about that before you start soykaf. typically you barely even gain anything out of being aggravating... there are many other people like me out there that get dark like that sometimes, so please just keep that in mind and know that some persons have their own reasons for being cunts, and that yea, they need love also. (especially). understand them also, but don't let yourself be hurt by them also. it would bother me if i really hurt some people because i shat up a convo and called someone strong words. the right hand path seems to be victory over the dweller on the threshold and thus liberating path to enlightenment.

>>84623 >in a group setting Tell me you're a high schooler w/o telling me lmao

>>84645 I'm in grad school lmao

I am a nonwhite white supremacist. I genuinely believe white people are inherently better. They just have a better look about them. A better inherent internal quality. Of course, as with any people there are highs and lows in the population representation. But the heights of whites is masterful excellence; the average individual in many other races are very base and animalistic. Overall Europeans are much more decent and I like them a lot. It's all still a bit confusing for me but I've been thinking for years that I am frustrated that white people aren't more supremacist overall. There are still many traitors out there and I'm getting tired of waiting on your reign. All the best established values we rely on stem from the enlightenment, in terms of scientific achievements, morality (partially) and sociopolitical common sense. I don't get why you're still listening to users that want to covertly subvert and crash these things. I hope you get your soykaf together, shake yourselves, and establish a resolute dominion where you put yourselves first. Cherish your heritage, and I hope you'll use me well when the time comes, as well as any others like me out there. I am conscious that some people might find this cringe for various inane reasons, but I don't really care. I find you cringe in return for not seeing the obvious. Instead of replying with common emotion-driven low-IQ takes, take a good hard look at the world and contemplate what it might look like in a hundred years. Putting aside all the cope, you might even come to agree with me on this. White men and women can be super attractive. They can be cute, manly, feminine, strong, sensible, loving, refined, etc-etc. They are truly the race of the soul. I didn't find this in any other race. As with everything we believe, we are always at risk of being wrong, but I really don't think I am. I'm still respectful to other people, but I think the world needs to address these sorts of issues. I want, for example, Africans in America to return to their ancestral lands. That would already be a righting of many wrongs, although America is a complicated situation. I want a EU that's an ethnostate in essence, protective of its roots and defensive of its lands, traditions, values, history and people. Yes, I've been called all the names in the book for this. But that is my faith and it's what I believe. And I shall not be sorry nor apologize for this. This is my thoughtcrime, and I hold it very dear to me. Too many snakes and bastards are agitating against my bad guy viewpoint for me to be wrong...

Things have been going so well, yet I am somehow destroying my life. I see the psych in 2 minutes. I'll get back to this