I'm going to

Give me reasons not to kill myself. I'm going to do it. Please help me

You dont want to kill yourself, you just want your life to not suck and are focused on this as a way out but have you tried doing things different from what you've already tried before? What goals do you have for your life?

You're right. I am doing things differently. I want to stop my mother

Why not kys? Might as well enjoy the soykaf show, which is humanity, as long as it lasts.

there's nothing left for me to enjoy

>>80673 What do you mean stop your mother?

she might be a child molester

>>80677 don't let her win. there are a lot of ways to escape her; death isn't the only option.

>>80677 What makes you think that? And why do you think killing yourself would do anything? Are you the only person to think this? You arent making sense because you are barely writing out information. Lainchan rate limits posts so we cant reply quickly. too so little replies dont work well.

I haven't stopped dissociating since I was 4 because of her. I only recently learned this. 25 years.

I have no idea what happened to me

She was abusive, but I have no idea what really happened to me

>>80680 Explain. Why say you were dissociating since four but somehow only now "learned" anything. What do you think you learned based on what? It sounds like you have other problems going on. >>80682 So were you molested or you have no idea what happened? Which is it? Why do you think you were abused and by her? Was she always abusive toward you? How was she abusive toward you if she was?

I started going to therapy again recently. My therapist says I have moderate to severe ptsd. I was able to figure out a few weeks ago that I have a severe dissociation and anhedonia issue. She was neglectful and every category of abusive, but I did not think it was that bad. There are some things about her that are extremely suspicious. Evidently amnesia is very common in ptsd

>>80684 Hardly anyone remembers being four so that isnt even remotely amnesia. Kids dont even begin to have long term memory till starting around 3. Dont let your shrink put false memories in your head through saying the wrong things intentionally or unintentionally suggesting to you something practically no one would remember. I dont remember most of my life because it isnt very eventful.

That's not really what I am saying. I am saying I started dissociating severely at a very young age. What happened to me could have been going on a lot longer than that. My shrink has never suggested any specific accounts of abuse. He is good enough not to do that

This is not helpful. I asked for reasons not to kill myself, not reasons why I am stupid and wrong. People not taking what happened to me seriously is the last fuarrrking I need right now.

I don't have severe ptsd and probably severe dpdr because nothing bad happened to me. I don't remember anything happening that would be bad enough to cause that. Like I ALREADY said, there are some things about her behavior that are extremely suspicious

>>80686 >>80687 Sorry, it's not that and just me and one other person are replying to you at the moment since the site has always been slow, it is just hard to reply when you are being so vague. I am sorry you feel this way but no one can help if we dont understand what you went through and what you need. How can anyone tell you to live if we know so little? If your mother was always neglectful or otherwise harmful toward you you killing yourself wont change that happened and it wouldnt be clear the effect it would have on her. You should prioritize how it would effect you. What do you want from your life?

Sorry no such things. If you want something sweet gotta get it yourself, but if you tell me why exactly you need to kys, maybe I'll find a wise citation to address your problem.

>>80688 I just saw this message after my previous reply. What is suspicious?

It's difficult. That would be the number one reason. People who talk about it being the 'easy' way out are complete morons, who haven't a clue. Being a normal person is the easiest thing in the whole fuarrrking world. I think I've experienced what it's like to be normal through drugs and being in that state of 'normal' is like playing a game on baby-infant-sperm mode. So reason number two: drugs. If you haven't tried them yet they might help. From what you've written our pasts might be similar. Even I find it hard to continue. So really, we're just back at reason #1. Good luck lain.

>>80689 I don't know what I want >>80691 She would have my sister and I french kiss for example. She liked to walk naked in front of me a lot when I was young. She said I started to like it. Other things like that. I can't do drugs. There was another situation with a girl. We both love each other very very much, and we cannot be together. I cannot bear to live. That is what is really getting me the most

>>80693 Well if you dont know what you want then you can work on finding it. Parents walking around naked is pretty normal but with the other thing I see what you mean. How old were you do you think when she had you kissing your sister and was this just one time or different times and how did you and your sister feel about it back then and how do you feel about it now? Since this isnt what bothers you most you can skip this if you like. About this girl. Tell us more about her. What made you meet her? What do you like most about her? Arent you worried she would be hurt with you gone and dead? Why do you think you cant be with her?

Ok I'll phrase differently. You ask for help, what kind of help do you seek? What do you expect to gain from the help? What exactly do you need help with?

I don't know. I just need reasons to keep going. I can't handle this. I think I have to go to bed, but I will check this tomorrow. This girl makes me 100% certain I am going to do it

>>80698 Sleep helps sometimes. If you dont have any big plans for goals in life just fill it with escapism till you find something more deeply satisfying. I have want to kill myself non stop for most my life and somehow still around. I guess putting your feelings into words helps. "She" as in the girl you like? Why do you say she makes you certain you will kill yourself? You said you love eachother. Being loved is something nice to have. Is she going through some sort of trouble too, is that it?

i don't want to derail this. it is more a "just in case", since i was confused by the term > french kiss < the normal greeting french do? kissing each other on cheek? and looked it up (pretty much only soykafty guides on "how to") > What is French kissing? > A kiss can be anything from a peck to a full blown make-out session depending on your definition, which varies from person to person. But what specifically makes a kiss “French” is the tongue. > It is believed that the term “French kiss” originated at the start of the 20th century > it’s not clear exactly how the act earned its name. However, it’s believed that Americans probably coined it after traveling to France and kissing French women “who were more comfortable with a bit of tongue action,” idk, if you are a native english speaker (i'm not) - i am assuming you were talking about kissing with tongue? and i'm just stupid For the walking around naked, i would agree with >>80695 . hence i am quite torn on how to interpret your statements. if you feel comfortable to clarify, i would much appreciate it. this topic makes my alarm bells go off and phrases like "Other things like that." are pretty vague. However, it doesn't seem to bother you too much? Your - at least currently - main topic/problem seems to be "this girl". > That is what is really getting me the most So it sounds like a love problem/broken heart. I don't want to sound condescending, but do you have a bi-polar personality disorder, by any chance? (I've known two bi-polar persons, who seppuku'd because of a break up :/ ) Generally speaking, the act that you are seeking help - even if it is on an image board - speaks for your will to live. keep listening to that will.

Yes I have bipolar disorder. We have learned that recently as well. We thought I had something more severe. It is difficult to talk about these things. My mom would always pinch our asses and make sexually inappropriate jokes from a very young age. I think she watched me masturbate one time as a teenager. It was late at night. I thought everyone was asleep and I accidentally left my door cracked. She was standing right outside it in the dark. I started seeing a therapist as a teenager. Seeing as I was actually bipolar, treatment was ineffective. She decided to come speak to my therapist because I wasn’t making progress. She told him “She wanted to make sure we were talking about the right things”. After she left, my therapist was EXTREMELY concerned. I didn’t understand why he was. I don’t know if any of this would be enough to make me think I was molested, but the fact that she was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, neglectful, and sometimes physically abusive has me extremely concerned. I’ve had 2 cousins commit suicide, both boys around my age, but that could have nothing to do with her. I have a lot of vague memories of abuse that may not be real. One thing I did remember recently specifically was that she would often sneak her hand under my covers, playfully, when she was putting me to bed. I don’t know what happened after that. It was at waist level. She would do this frequently. I could talk about the vague memories if that would be helpful. She also decided that I had jock itch on my genitals, because she saw me scratching my balls when I was a kid. Normal boy soykaf. She basically demanded I show her my genitals so she could spray anti-fungal spray on them. It was very strange and made me extremely uncomfortable. I was probably in 2nd grade. I don’t know. The situation with the girl is actual star crossed lovers stuff. She has shown me more love than anyone in the world ever has, and I love her more than anyone else in the world. I have a plan on how I will kill myself, as well as a backup plan. Both will 100% kill me if I go all the way through

She was also far too close to me as a child. Not at all the same way she would treat my sister. I have seen her do this with one of my younger cousins as well

>I'm gonna kms >Actually no I won't, I just suicide bait for attention You're a fuarrrking loser and honestly it would be great if you killed yourself (I know you won't, though).

>>80671 I mean, I probably could think up a few reasons, but, have you considered... Pic related?

I remember she would insist I take baths. She would help me bathe. I’m not sure what happened then. I was too old for that. I will have to ask when we moved into that house. Maybe 2nd grade. >>80714 You should do it with me

>>80716 That probably went on until 5th grade.

>>80711 Honestly this kind of stuff is actually hard to interpret since parents often don't have boundaries with their kids. I do get what you mean better from the pattern you describe though. Physical abuse is a lot more objective though so there is that. Do you mean she hit you or something? Though in past it was pretty common for parents to do things like spank their kids and put soap in their mouth is what my mom did which I dont think is a good idea especially the soap. Sorry to hear about your cousins, it may be from genetics that you have some factors in your family genes making you more prone to certain problems or just bad conditions where you all live bringing you down. Star crossed lovers. Does she live far away? What do you think keeps you apart? Why do you feel stuck ? >>80716 >>80717 I took baths with my sister till I was I think 8 years old and she wanted more privacy or something so we started separate. That isnt common to go till you were in 5th grade but also not unheard of. But again there is this pattern so I get what you mean. It's all in the past now anyway, right? Have you moved out? Or do you still live with her? >>80714 You spent too much time on 4chan. Learn to be human, troglodyte.

I don’t know what to make of it all. She would hit us sometimes. My sister much more. I just don’t understand how I got PTSD. I’m going to search her house for CSAM while they are on vacation. I may not find anything. I may remember things after we continue trauma therapy. I may not. Either way, I am probably going to catch the bus after those two avenues are explored. The situation with the girl is too painful to talk about. I cannot watch her get married to someone else. I don’t know what to make of it all. I don’t live with her anymore, but we live in the same town. She expects me to visit often.

As I learn to explore my feelings, I am gradually becoming more convinced she molested me

>>80722 You are just engulfing your life around her and where will it end? It doesnt seem trying to involve yourself with her more is really worth it. She should be charged for abuse for hitting you if anything like an old fracture do you have any that would show up on Xrays? Why would this girl be marrying someone else if she loves you? Is the love for you not romantic love? Or is she in an arranged marriage or what? Why not try and go to her? Just move forward instead of taking steps back into the past too often, it seems to be bringing you down.

>>80742 Actually never mind. Even if you did have a long term injury that would prove something you still are in no shape to go to a court where you will be heavily scrutinized.

I should just cut them off. I would need to get my sister on board. Right I am fairly dependent on them financially. I am also set to inherit millions of dollars from them, but I am realizing that doesn't matter anymore. One problem is that I have a large family, and we all have vacation houses neighboring each other. This is where I would see everyone over the summer. I'd hate to have to cut my entire family off I wrote the girl a letter. She wasn't working today, so I will go by when she is.

She never hit us hard enough to cause any fractures

look at the percentage of regret in suicide attempters see how high it is and realize that you're not special

>>80769 You clearly never read of praying mantis..... females are not capable of love in the same way males are you dummy

>>80769 It can be difficult to cut off family members how they interact with eachother, yeah. A letter is one way to convey your feelings, ideally you want to talk in person if you can. Though none of us here have really been told the exact situation. >>80781 Humans arent preying mantis' nor that closely related.

>>80782 females are evil , always forcing others to do what they cannot do for themselves

>>80785 Eh people are like that in general. You just notice it more with girls because you arent impacted as much when a guy does it because you are not as emotionally attached to a guy unless you were bi or gay, assuming you are a guy which you probably are.

>>80786 its inevitable. a society without women shall rise from the muddy grounds of femininity. no more pain, no more sorrow, no more nature chains.no more females

>>80787 This direction for increasing maturity | V "women perfect" "women bad" <- you are here "women people" Inceldom is the natural evolution of simpdom, both stem from a childish misunderstanding and mystery of the other sex that isn't warranted. But don't get stuck at the phase of hating half the planet. It is childish and it would be sad if you stopped your evolution there. Women are people, just like you and I.

>>80816 Okay, but are you married? With kids? How long?

>>80816 most people are scumbags therefore most people are women, i got it now tks <3 >>80819 i married to maths and my computer

>>80816 the societies that consider women inferior get many kids while westerners are dying out and now you import dudes thinking bitches aint soykaf that replace you. The equality movement ends in suicide.

>>80816 Women are spiritually inferior for some reason. They're also treacherous and do not have honor. They're the backstabbers. Most men are the same, though, but men tend to be simpler. Those are women who contrive the most disgusting backstabbing scenarios.

>>80785 >>80829 That's not true. I don't think they contrive anything on purpose, it's just how things work out. Things get complicated on both sides, but the one you're more familiar with seems to be simpler. People are horrible towards each other, especially when they put no effort in trying to understand the other side.

>>80834 I don't care about intentions, I just know that man who has never had a woman is likely going to be straightforward and understandable, while woman in it's any incarnation is likely to be vicious and cunning. Women lie unconditionally and always try to manipulate things their way not being ashamed of anything. That's why feminism is truly a mistake, women don't deserve trust, they're more dangerous than men, all the while most men think the opposite.

>>80837 women master their masters, they devour males heads like female praying mantis.(music related) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qANVIx9fd_w&list=RDGMEMCMFH2exzjBeE_zAHHJOdxg&start_radio=1&rv=2RjBVf6NoCA

This thread is not about misogyny. I love women deeply. I gave the girl a letter. I feel much much better. We are continuing trauma therapy. I appreciate the counseling you guys gave me. I will ask for this thread to be deleted if there is no further productive discussion

>>80848 Good to hear you feel better.

If OP or any lain's still struggling with this, please watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGaEY2n-TQQ It is made specifically for THE lainon. Also, the fuarrrkt is that people are addicted to the internet and keep comparing themselves with others and we just sit here and do nothing to become better. I don't know...

>>80851 Doesn't work and I'm still suicidal lol. And i would say the creator of that video is a normal person himself.

I walked pass this overpass on my way home. I've thought of jumping before. Its getting more frequent. Yesterday I went back there and spent a good 10 mins scoping it out. I realized then I could do it. I played the scenario out in my head a few times. Today I took a different route home and I felt okay. Sometimes these feelings are a spur of the moment thing and you need to just ride them through and find ways of blocking out the things that set it off or channel it into something else.

>>80905 That would be an intrusive thought. Avoiding those situations would help probably, yes.

>>80868 I like the video, but meh. I think language is a large problem for these sort of discussions because people's conception of "depressed" or "suicidal" are descriptive of emotional qualities, which can not inter-personally be compared without great suspicion. It's sort of a "is my red your _red_" problem. It's very difficult for me to phrase this in a way that's maybe relatable to a variety of lains, but suicide may just be an action in a variety of actions one could perform to provoke stimulus. For someone with something like anhedonia why can't suicide be perceived alongside other activities one might try, like exercising. From an outside perspective the unidirectional nature of it might put it in another category of "forbidden" things, but everything has that unidirectional nature (irreversible). Even some thing like a lame nature walk irreversibly changes "you". The second objection, that it's "the end" is laughable when the cultural ideas of 'afterlifes' are irrefutably dominant. The charge that it's a 'shortcut', and therefore invalid, are as unprovable as the ideas of afterlifes. I think it's wholly rational to imagine that people can be born with a mental inclination so perverse to life that it naturally results in suicide. It's irrefutable that some are born with outwardly physical abnormalities that make sustaining life impossible without great art. Why do people seem to have such trouble with applying the same logic to the human brain? That state can be natural, or induced (via abuse). Once in that state I think it's impossible to become ignorant of it. Anyway, I think OP can only be helped by _people_ in their vicinity. The products of computers can not help you become a person. You need to seek out people, not the artifacts of people in a digital environment. This simply can't help. We, despite our best intentions, can't help. Your medicine can't be digitized.

>>80851 Never compare yourself to others Only compare yourself to yourself. Find a baseline (or bottom line) and then go from there. Better yet, stop trying to measure and quantify your life. The algorithms are already doing that in order to exploit labor from you in some way. Just life your life in spite of this cruel world. Laugh it off, and don't let anyone stop you. It's better than an-heroing like a coward. If you really feel the need to die, there are plenty of hills to die on, both physically and metaphorically that are far better ways to spend your last moments than dying as a miserable waste of a life. I did not watch the video, because self help videos tend to be cringey.

Psychedelic trip and **hope**. That's it for me, beside being a lazy coward.