personal suffering and tw: suicide + sexual assault mentions

Do you think if I clean my room up, I'll find my will to live? It has been lost in the dirty clothes on the floor for ages. I think I remember seeing it in my sketchbook somewhere.. I looked for it in my mother's comfort and found that she was searching too. Maybe I'll find it when I pray today but if not, I will pray again and I will cry to God one more time. I will bargain if I must.. even though I am empty-handed and do not have anything to give. I don't know how much longer I can take this. The schooling system is absolutely destroying me, I was born an artist, I loved art more than anything, more than myself and I searched for it constantly everywhere my gaze fell. But good god, the school system has destroyed it for me. All I have ever wanted to do was study and create art, but I can't because every institution rejects me. Why, you ask? Because my physics grade is low. They're judging off my PHYSICS grades knowing I'm gonna go there to study ART. As if that's not problematic enough, my parents don't support me in my journey either. They hate that I was an artist, they hate who I am, they try to pretend they don't but I can see it in their eyes. I didn't start hating them for that though. I targeted it onto myself instead, hating every fiber of my being. Every night I beg God to move the weights that are too heavy for me to move. I hope he is listening. Because I can't bear to have one more hopeless aspect in my life. Crying out to an empty sky. Living is suffocating. Every day, I wake up and think why the fuarrrk did I wake up. What's the use? I hate who I am, I hate it. And it's too late to change. I wish my parents had broken my spirit and love for art when I was young. Yeah, I'd feel empty all the time as an adult but at least I wouldn't have to suffer like this. It probably sounds really futile to the one reading, you'd think it's not that deep but I'm not good at anything except for art. That's all I can do. I'm horrible at talking, academics, sports, ect. You name it, I'll never ace it, except for arts. It sort of became my purpose over the years. Though I have started to despise it. I don't know who I am without performance. and they want that for me. Every night, I am restless. I cannot sleep, and when I do sleep I have these horrible dehumanizing nightmares of the multiple times I was sexually assaulted by some woman and some men. Nothing is working. sleeping meds, therapy, and meds in general. It's not working. It's hopeless. I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve help from anyone. I feel selfish asking for it. worst part is, I have to meet with that family member of mine. my assaulter, at every gathering. My mom knows. She told me to keep quiet about it because she can't afford any more problems in our family. It's draining. My life is genuinely turning out like the Lacey Diner games. I relate to her terribly and it scares me that I'll probably end up like her. I have tried suicide multiple times. From slitting to overdose. It didn't work. I woke up afterwards, in a white room, and stared at the ceiling contemplating it all over again. I'm contemplating it now, too. I have been thinking about it for a long time. I truly think my life has no purpose anymore, and it's painful and I don't even feel human anymore. All my days blend into one another like watercolor and I am forced to stand there and watch with a paintbrush in my hand. These may be my last words, I don't intend to write a letter to my loved ones or to those whom it may concern.

That is really awful what happened to you, lain. All I have to say is to think of a day when you will be able to forget these people altogether. You have so many possibilities ahead of you. > All I have ever wanted to do was study and create art, but I can't because every institution rejects me. If art brings you joy, then that lies within you and nobody else can take away the fact that you are an artist. All that is within your power is to understand the institutions around you and work every day to make art a bigger and bigger part of your life. Do not let other people take your passions away from you. You surely have the power to steer yourself towards a place of happiness, where you are fulfilled and valued for what you do.

>sexual assault you sure you don't want to do anything about it? it's nice that you mom doesn't want "problems", but at this point, after unsuccessful suicides, why would you care? if they are not up to protecting your mental health, you do it yourself. at least try. as for everything else, it's up to your endurance. either you can't take it and enter new life, or you keep going on. that's all there is to it. also it is good for you that speak about these things. no doubts you may feel very cringe, it doesn't matter. reiterating all your thoughts all over again is helpful in long term. also, a quote from somewhere: for a person that expects nothing from life even seeing sun is a reason for celebration sounds like platitude doesn't it? well it's not. life is like a theater. you just sit there and watch, maybe something happens, maybe not. but if you don't expect anything, you at least won't be disappointed.

I know suicide is not the correct option, but its the only option where this insanity seems to have an end. That is the only reason I'm considering it, life after death is too unsure to believe in. If i could i would spend my life doing and observing art but it is what it is. Regarding the sexual assault matter, i really need advice on this situation. I dont know what to do and i burn up with emotions everytime I see him. I rethink telling his family because well.. he has daughters, grand daughters. I know it may seem like more of a reason to let the truth out but I'm scared of its consequences. Plus, if this was to happen my father will stop me from meeting ALL kin from my mothers side which is where the assaulter is from. I don't want that. I need advice.

>>80486 i don't feel qualified to give advice on such matters lain. but i would like to say that suicide is never the right solution, stop and think about it. if you are interested in philosophy you can look up absurdism, i use philosophy to escape suicide thoughts and myself. take care of urself

Lain, I feel for you. I'm sorry that you are in the situation you're in, and I pray for you. I don't trust myself to give proper advice for most of what you talk about, but I do have a few things to say, hopefully they're helpful. God is indeed listening to you. 100%. He does indeed care, and He wants the best for you. Every time you have to be in the same room as your attacker, or are in a situation where you feel sick, imagine God is standing right next to you, holding your hand, giving you strength to push forward. Always remember that not only does he hear you, he's there for you, even if you sometimes may not "feel" it. >>80486 >If i could i would spend my life doing and observing art but it is what it is. Who says you can't? Lain, you can 100% do any of this without going to college. Hear me out. I know of countless programs that support such things that do not rely on your grades being up or down, or even rely on the educational system at all. I promise you, you can pursue what you want to do, what makes you happy, what gives you purpose without bowing down to silly and convoluted rules of various educational institutions. As a wise person once told me: "Every single problem in life can be fixed, except death". I promise you, there are many, many ways to do what you want to do, despite the circumstances. Trust in God, trust in You, and trust that You will make it out. I trust in You, Lain. I trust that You can do it. Take care, (A Lainon)

>>80479 I'm an artist with soykaf parents who was molested when I was a kid, so I feel ya. Life really is suffocating. You mention suicide so much it seems like you want us to talk you out of it, a good alternative would be ditching your parents home to live in a crappy place where you can make some artist friends to do creative stuff with. I also suggest you do some shadowwork, get off the meds, meditate and if therapy doesn't work for you maybe try the gym, or you could kill yourself if you don't feel like living anymore that's up to you. I truly feel for you though, I live in Paris if you're in that area we could get a drink if you want.

i never get suicide. There is no risk to anything if you dont care about dead. If you are willing to go that far you can do anything instead of getting stuck lamenting the present state.

You could sit all day in front of a screen turning emotions into words and typing them in a text file without ever finding a solution to your problems simply because you are not thinking straight. Postpone your desires, diminish the time you spend on your so called passions, get your soykaf together (mainly health and environment), create and execute a plan detailing how you will get what you want. Of course, there is probably someone reading this post thinking that it's just a simpleton's advice, which is true, but it doesn't mean that it's wrong advice. Just take a look at yourself, OP: scared, selfless, self-hating and completely dead inside, you are in an incredibly weakened state of mind and body. Saying that there is no life outside of x or y is also bullshit, as it can be found everywhere, from the ugliest to the most beautiful places on earth. Once your will to live is restored, then you can go back and start thinking about everything else. Also, if it's not obvious by now, no one in your family seems to actually care about you. Abandon them and fuarrrk with your abuser's life as soon as your situation gets more stable. You will eventually find better people to replace them. At last, I should say that you are the only one who can truly get yourself out of this situation, so looking for answers in philosophy, god and other people's advice is completely hopeless. You are born knowing everything you need to know in order to live, so just start reasoning with yourself and try to find solutions instead of adding layers of abstractions and emotional complexity.

>>80479 I don't have enough information but can you provide the "soundtrack of your life" it's simple, just a playlist or album or song that you liked or relate to a lot. Now on the topic, I guess you can minimize your stuff, sell the other stuff and then move out to some friend or a community that can provide help though don't expect to not be met with abuse, just follow your intuition - you're an artist so you should have good enough intuition when it comes to picking the right people. You need maybe a phone, a tablet/laptop and you can do art in digital form - this is to stay connected, the internet [wired] is a wonderful thing and you just have to broaden your perspectives to find solutions. Don't forget your important documents (like certificate of birth, clearance certificate, etc.) when moving out. As for your skills don't let anxiety ruin it, I think you should not let others dictate or limit your actions. Just do what you can while you can do it so you can move away, I think part of the thing that makes you stressed is that you're still near those terrible people, you have to separate from them. Forget about targeting yourself, you have a duty as an artist to do your art work and showcase it.

>>80479 >but I can't because every institution rejects me. Why is going to art school necessary for what you want to do? Surely all the information they present can be found online, and the rest is practice? Don't make excuses for why you can't pursue your dreams, either do it or give up on them.

>>80491 You could be stuck in a hospital bed for 50 years without the capacity to kill yourself. There are absolutely insane potential horrors that are left possible until you kill yourself. Can't believe you can be so sheltered and had such a good life that you cant even imagine suffering

>>80479 Whenever I start despairing I just go for a walk and observe the nature around me instead of allowing myself to fester in the negative thoughts. It's quite beautiful, little bugs run around with a mission, and their potential and purposes in life are much more limited than people. It's ironic that we even get depressed, considering just how much potential we all have. Life may hurt sometimes, and may at times seem hopeless, but it has all those little moments, those roses, and other little miracles, that make it beautiful. Allow yourself to do things that make you happy once in a while, the bad feelings like clouds will come and go, but you are not defined by them. So please don't do anything rash! Life is a flower around only for the spring, don't throw it away! There's lots of friends you haven't met yet, moments you have yet to experience, projects yet to be done, and more before you pass. Death will come for you someday, so in the meantime enjoy life while you have it. I don't have the emotional maturity to fully understand or help you, but the least I can do is to reassure you that you're a person and that makes your life complex, beautiful, and infinitely valuable. I hope the positive posts from other lains has reassured you at least a little bit that you're not alone and that people care about you even if you're yet to meet them.

>>80479 >All I have ever wanted to do was study and create art, but I can't because every institution rejects me. Why do you think you can only learn "art" by following a nоrmie curriculum? Everything's on the internet. I often read a bunch of books if I wanted to learn anything and maybe practice on it. Problem is, the only person you have to count on is yourself. >They hate that I was an artist, they hate who I am, they try to pretend they don't but I can see it in their eyes. Most of them think they have the right to abuse you "for your own good". They think you're just not "in the real world" and see like one who can't stand up for himself, so they assume you're lazy. >Nothing is working. sleeping meds, therapy, and meds in general. Of course they don't. Meds just treat symptoms, and therapist would almost think the same way as your parents. >sexual assault Please forget the past and discuss with your brain about it its pointlessness lain. Why obsess over what you can't control? "But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself." -Albert Camus Thank you for venting us this lain. We're all dealing with the much of the same soykaf *hugs* (Another Lainon)

>>80499 nah its you, you got the typical internet addiction to contradiction so you looking for loopholes to find fault instead of earnestly replying to what was said in context of the topic.

There is nothing more objectively worthless in this world than religion and art. Do these as a reason to manage your illness and stay alive; don't make them into your life.

>>80506 >objectively worthless "worth" doesn't exist in the objective realm, soykafhead. It's a completely subjective quality.

>>80506 >There is nothing more objectively worthless in this world than religion and art. Even (though) art and religion has kept society mostly stable for centuries

>>80511 wouldnt say that, religion helps people engage in war with "trust me brah you get rewarded in afterlife" indoctrination as well as delivering the moral framework to justify killing others. Not to mention the inquisition with witch trials and similar crap. islam might be winning move now though cause it helps fend of westerners trying to infect foreign nations with their cancerous values.

kill your abuser lain. i love you, and i'm praying for you. may your memory be entrenched in the web for eons.

Don't listen to benzo addics like whatshisname. Though having a cleaner environment, showing enough, sleeping on a decent schedule, drinking enough water, and eating healthier while not denying yourself of tasty food could potentially help some it wont do everything. Did you want to study art history? Or did you mistakenly think you need any piece of paper other than one you are drawing or painting on to be an artist? I get that, in my case my mom's judgment and meddling in what I draw made me stop making any kind of art when i used to draw all the time. Sorry to hear that happened to you. Do you think elaborating what happened would make you feel better or worse? Have you tried expressing your feelings through art? Poetry or painting or something. Also avoid sleeping on your back or left side. Best position to have less nightmares is your right side. It is also possible to suppress your dreams but I say dont because it is like an exposure therapy. Your Z meds will make it worse if they are the habit forming kind you need to gradually reduce your dose till you are off them. Maybe get a weighted blanket and try that and have some plushy to sleep with. >>80486 How long ago did this occur? >>80515 Even people that do something bad have people that care about them who would be hurt. Also it would hurt OP since it would make a murderer and lead to prison. It sounds like Lain did not report it to the police.

>>80479 You may think that you have many reasons to die, and few reasons to live, but in the end those are just motivations you conceive of. If you are motivated by art, then allow yourself to use art as an outlet. Only my opinion, but if you die by suicide, then you allow those who hurt you to win because they keep living while you are no longer a problem for them You wont find your "will to live" by cleaning your room, but it will be one small improvement to your fragile state of being. Big life changes don't always happen abruptly, but they do start with small incremental steps. You can decide to get up out of bed, you can decide to open the windows and let light in, you can decide to pick up your clothes, decide to collect and throw out trash. All of these are small tasks of them selves, but collectively seem daunting. All too often, later becomes never. While you have nothing to loose since you have already cemented your will to die in your mind by multiple suicide attempts, you actually have more room for growth, because anything is an improvement. I don't know who you are or where you are, but it sounds like your family is likely very conservative and religious. I understand that you don't want to hurt people, and that your family does not want you to "cause problems," but that is shameful behavior and they should never try coerce you from hiding your pain for their happiness. You will be made an outcast to preserve the illusion of things being nice in the family. Your options at this point are put the past behind you and move on with life while saying nothing. Speak out and destroy the peace, with varying outcomes - things may get better, or things may get worse. Leave all together and start living your life without being bound to your family. You can't let your future be destroyed by dwelling in the past. I won't tell you one option is the best, but any option will turn out better than sitting around waiting to die. A friend of mine told her family the truth about her sexual assault, and her father tried to kill her, and her mother acted like she asked for it. I say this as a warning, because while it may go well, it may go poorly. Putting the past behind you and just learning to recover and heal while pretending everything is fine may still leave others vulnerable. Running away and putting the past behind you may be a good option, but it will likely have a profound impact on your support network, as you will likely be on your own which will be difficult for a time.

>>80508 It's only subjective if your personal philosophy doesn't adhere to material law, i.e. you're mentally ill. >>80511 Not even I'd call propaganda neither true religion nor art.

>>80518 >It's only subjective if your personal philosophy doesn't adhere to material law, i.e. you're mentally ill. Lainon that's not what "material law" means. Nothing the person you responded to is contradictory or ungrounded in materialist belief.

>>80521 Chthonic law does place more obvious, tacit worth on some matters and individuals than others. The individuation, self expression and reproduction of the ego through plasticized meme is pretty low on its list.