This is getting (much) worse

I've been having lots of self destructive thoughts these days. I don't know why, but i feel but so alone and guilty at the same time, as if there was a giant existential gap between the people i know and myself. This is not the only thing, i also been experiencing those thoughts about myself... Not only suicidal in a planned sense, but lots of self harming thoughts. I don't know, i feel as if everyone hates me, that no matter what i do to be "good" and "kind" to them, the existential gap between us will always impose between our bodies. That's causing lots of feelings of self isolation and distrust to others, so what i'm doing is to keep those horrible feelings inside my head and living as if nothings is really happening. I feel like i am about to explode. I don't know how to fix it, i almost feel like the only possible way is to do it is to stop existing -but i won't because i don't want to harm others. Am I condemned ?

I am literally in the same situation as yours. What you might want to know is that people consciously or unconsciously use emotional blackmail to induce fear, obligation or guilt in order to control your behavior. Much like narcissistic manipulation. My advice is to learn how to be assertive (i.e. speaking up for yourself without appearing submissive or aggressive or crossing others' boundaries) and know how not to care for how other think of you. "The Courage to Be Disliked" is a little start (or just lurk other books online). People are ignorant and you know it, whenever you come with fact, they'll simply rationalize it or deny it to suppress their cognitive dissonance. I know there's a great fear to not stand up for yourself as you'll "hurt others," but really everyone is responsible for their own feelings. Even now at this very moment you may meet some random dude who gets mad at how you use the keyboard. Fuarrrk his feelings lol. If you live how other people wish you'll never be able to be intimate with them and you'll want so badly to just disappear from their lives. Thank you for posting this; I now even give me more proofs that there are other lains going through this. You'll see some crossing your boundaries like wanting you to do something else or remove something that is yours or give you "rewards". Literally like the Skinner box (operand conditioning). There are many other strategies they do of which I discovered. But now you may want to recognize the problem itself.

I looked these up for myself so I'll share it here. If you're not in the USA you can find similar for your country. Non-emergency community resources help: dial 211 https://www.211.org/ Non-crisis warmline directory: https://warmline.org/warmdir.html#directory Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: dial 988 or chat online at https://988lifeline.org/chat/ or text “MHA” to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.

>>78850 Hey, Op here i'm so glad to know that im not alone, and it helps me a lot to know it. I've seen videos like this before, but (even if they are helpful to me and i'll try to check them), i find my problem is a bit more existential, as if there was literally no one in this entire world and it was impossible to feel em like a safe place. My friends doesn't feel like friends in a deeper level, i feel like true love is unreachable, that i won't never had another group as i had when i was a child, that i won't be able to do anything "original" nor significant (I have a deep passion in an artistic field that was keeping me alive until now that). Everything got worse when i had an incredible fight with my mother and kicked me out of her house. She was the person i thought that could understood me the most, and after her displays of cruelness (because she said horrible things about me as well), i feel like a vagabond. I just want to feel better, i just want to feel loved again (or for once really) in my life. >>78851 Thanks for asking, i am from Europe. I don't think i am going to do something, i know that self harming won't solve anything and i stop it at the moment i grab my knive. And i wont kill myself, i'm almost totally sure about that. I know that, in the end of the day, i'm going to be okay. I just want to believe that its just another phase and that i need to meet new people to feel loved, listened and understood again. When i try to talk with someone irl, my feelings say that it is not "that important" and that i cannot over-worry those friends that i love at the end of the day (and they cannot help me, and i just over-worry them). However, i know that's just self sabotage, my mind does know that, but does them (my feelings) do? Of course not. I am also not eating a lot. Yesterday i did my first meal at 21:00 o' clock, and today, thinking about food makes me wanna puke (even if feel hungry). I don't seek help because, I feel like nothing matters if love is unreal, so taking care of myself when i don't have anything right now to start my life again, is unimportant. I must confess that i'm also scared of being judged by my therapist. I know i need therapy but my feelings doesn't want to recognize that, and i don't want people in my surroundings to know how i feel

>>78856 >I've seen videos like this before Most videos are really fuarrrking soykaf; people there only want to keep you stimulated to sell their whatever thing and keep you confused. I started getting sense for almost everything now from books alone. >My friends doesn't feel like friends in a deeper level, i feel like true love is unreachable, that i won't never had another group as i had when i was a child Yeah, I also felt this way where... everyone is just so stubborn and ignorant and no matter where you go you find normal people everywhere... even in "Lainchan IRC/Discords" there's just a bunch of teenagers or whatever soykaffposting all the time. I use to have "friends" online but find out that they are nothing but people who talked to me to kill their time as we weren't intimate and they didn't want to talk much about themselves. Right now I literally don't talk to anyone and I'm just struggling to get myself out from being controlled by others through assertiveness. People gaslight us to make us question our own sanity especially when there's many surrounding you and you alone have a different opinion. >I just want to feel better, i just want to feel loved again (or for once really) in my life. I too just... want that thing. Psychologist Alfred Adler said that true happiness can be achieved by contribution to a community, not ever by conforming to them but being along with a community you can relate to where each helps the other through life. Sadly Lainchan as we all know is anonymous, and because of that it is by definition not a community but a group (as for the IRC, it is again terrible). I think however that getting through the lainring or perhaps hopping on the Cozynet IRC which I've never been to yet can help a little. Sometimes I feel like books only could get me through this, other times I just want to talk to someone... >I must confess that i'm also scared of being judged by my therapist I never met and will never meet a normal person therapist. I distrust those people and I started getting many things through books and now I'm not that afraid anymore. >i don't want people in my surroundings to know how i feel I have that exact thing in me which I just want to make it end.

>>78856 For what it's worth, I get what you're saying 100%. As much as it's possible for me to care about anything at all, I sincerely hope you find a way to feel better and find a friend or two who won't betray you.

>>78856 If you want to feel loved, love yourself. You are the only person that is always there for you. Also you should force the food down your throat you can't imagine how important it is to keep your stomach full. And don't stuff it with junk, honestly, get some normal food. And be ready for a hard journey. It is going to take a lot (and I mean just that; not a day or two, but months or maybe years) of effort, but you can remove those evil thoughts if you constantly remind yourself that they are evil. See, being loved is nice, but when nobody loves you, there is really not much you can do about that, so having destructive thoughts because of it is evil. Remind yourself of that every time. You won't see any progress for the first two-three months at least, but then it starts to get better. Now fast though. It took me 4 or 5 months to remove the desire to kill people and I feel much better now than I did then. This effort is worth it.

Not fast though* *fix Phoneposting is like kicking dead whales down the beach