I Need Help

my first love and the person i loved most in childhood has given up on themselves, from a genuine curiosity about the world, wonder, and rare talent in film and digital design delved into the aesthetics of anti-authoritarianism; we were both prior interested in political theory, started dating not a bad person but your typical well-meaning neoliberal who's like "I have ADHD and autism, and you might have it too! and thats OK", works w children (so they can have political autism and be "ok" about it too) and listens solely to hyperpop (no disresepect to the hyperpop community but im just showing that he abandoned all of the things he found meaning, hope in and dreamt of in childhood); hanging around light druggies, listening to gangsta rap, now working at a Subway just to be clear, i have the ability to help him get into a very good college and realize his dreams. when we met, i was the person of his dreams, but then it all fell apart, its on me even my stalker on darknet refrained from messing with my head because he said this is a dangerous situation and I have to try and let go of the past (im not joking) he liked folk punk, alt-rock and sociological poetry, DONTNOD, Holowka and visual art. he stopped talking to me then, but continued to put things i enjoyed into his art. then strange accounts wrote to me, we opened an investigation, i did some OSINT here and there, turned out he barely even exists on the web, then did an in-depth check through a special person, turned out he was background checked by intelligence and you can actually find barely anything on him. i still dont know if he remembers me ive tried to let go of this, but i cant bear to see this degradation. each fall is my fall, each uprise and self-realization of his is my uprise as well. i feel wholly responsible for his life. at least 3 times a week i remember that boy from back when we were both 16 and have to leave the room and bawl my eyes out because i couldnt help him, and the potential i saw in him i know i should do something but dont know how to do it - been thinking of setting up a pen pal subscription then haxxing into it to be their pen pal just anonymously chat with them figure out whats going on and help i seriously need help. i feel unbearable amounts of compassion for this person. its been years. everytime i remember our meeting like it happened yesterday

he also liked rats and such i've tried killing myself, but feel too obligated to family and other people went as far as getting a visa to their country to solve this once and for all its all exacerbated by the fact that last time we talked he told the whole friend group he was gay (and proceeded to date mostly women after) and when i tried to talk to him, asked "who are you?" when we met, we were both in love with each other from first sight, and it felt like we knew each other before, but we didn't.

>>78546 You probably value him so much because you haven't seen him in forever and have nothing in your life, pretty common. I think you're just delusional and love some random guy who doesn't know you / doesn't give a soykaf about you, and you should move on. Anyway you might as well just reach out to him so you can find out for yourself, since a random person online telling you to stop being a bitch won't do any good.

my ex also likes rats, that is kind of funny. sorry that you feel this way lain. I agree with the person above me, I think you have an idealised picture of him in your head because you have had too little direct contact with him recently. I suggest that attaching value to things which are out of your control, like what you have described, will only end in disappointment. Maybe try to pursue something which depends only on yourself. Or you can try and say "will this matter in 5/10/[insert sufficiently big number] years?" and imagine your future self looking back. What can you do right now that will help you in the future? Do not spend your time/energy on things that will not pay off long-term. that's what I think

>>78554 I might’ve phrased the post poorly. It wasn’t just some random person. When we met we had all the same interests. We would end each others sentences. It was genuine childhood love I tried to move on - dated 3 people after, but the feeling never went away. Couldn’t ever feel the same for anyone else

>>78556 thank you

What you had seemed very idyll romance or friendship between two teenagers unfortunately everybody has to grow up at some point. It's possible that they gave up on college for the time being because of a lack of money, which would also explain why they're now working at subway. it's also possible that their parents are a factor that they want to distance himself from (working a dead end shift service job would provide albeit little of it independence from that as well). I don't mean to be too harsh with you, lain, but changing tastes in music and friendship circles is to be expected with somebody who is openminded and seeking radical change like you described. In fact, people who are drawn towards radical change and analysis often are looking for change in their own lives, as well. There's a lot that you need to accept not simply to move on, but also if you want to have them in your life again, too. Like, the advice that would most immediately appeal to the way you probably feel about them might be to get a gift or something else meaningful - while some superficial attitudes might change, other things, such as love languages, or what you know will make him happy remain a part of the core person. these are things you know as a life-long friend and not things someone can tell you from an imageboard. Do this in hand with a direct ask and perhaps apology for becoming so distant / anything you can think of that might have been a betrayal, and if you've said anything presumptive. In fact you should forgive yourself, too, for the presumptiveness of feeling like its over simply because he became interested, as any open-minded person might, in other parts of the world: why do the things he's now into not indicate he's still as anti-establishment as you once knew? gangsta rap, hyperpop, light drug use, none of these things are establishment-oriented or associated with a stiff lifestyle. just because your friend is not really straight-edge anymore and listening to folk punk and trying to make a documentary about the nightmares of capitalism or w/e doesn't mean they don't still see flaws with the system and how they apply to everybody's lives, in fact, chances are him knowing about these things are a part of why he's able to relate to others so well too. aside but hyperpop and folk punk don't sound that different anyway, a lot of the current hyperpop artists would otherwise be making that kind of music, i can name 3 "hyperpop" artists off the top of my head some of their songs might be summarized as "folk punk but with sample pack and autotune" lol. It also sounds like you feel some kind of competition with his current GF like, some kind of proxy war about turning this man into your ideal boyfriend and it kind of reminds me of why normal dating always felt so gross. why would you try and change or guide someone without accepting the ways you would be changed and guided, too? you always will be, its simply a matter of whether you will be accepting and aware of those things (a friend getting you into the things that might have reminded them of you, getting to learn about the world and struggles of others, and understanding how your own world applies to them, and how they make sense of it, and so on), and see them as growth, or becoming a twisted parody of everything you believe - controlling, bitter, and clinging to something in order to keep some image alive. isolating and alienating, manipulative, etc. all for what. A shared vision of freedom? >ive tried to let go of this, but i cant bear to see this degradation. each fall is my fall, each uprise and self-realization of his is my uprise as well. i feel wholly responsible for his life. If you really want to be a good friend, lain, you should remember this and that he can still be happy in his new life and that you can be happy for him, too. don't get caught up on how things used to be anymore and focus instead on how both / either of you can be happy now, and in the future. don't assign him some cruel, cold, or distant character, that he's hurting you on purpose, that there is some malicious conspiracy. he's also probably kept a low social media profile because, as you've shared a lot of interests together, he understands a need of maintaining his own privacy. as for the investigation... how would you know this? it seems very unlikely if he wasn't applying for that kind of job (which, if he's an infosec type, very well could have been / pressured by some peer as a way of getting out from the 9-to-5, or just a matter of circumstance of birth / location if he lives various places in different police states), but also, I'm very curious what kind of tools can accurately report that info that aren't like criminal records or FOIA requests - like, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a scam like how all the ads say people searched for you. Most of what I'm saying now is out-of-place speculation but its intention is that you might open your eyes and accept the change you're now experiencing. because it doesn't have to be as life-shattering as it feels, not simply because you can meet again and reconnect someday, and because you can get answers by being open and tactful, but also because at the time of your life you're in - I'm assuming somewhere between teens and late 20s - there's going to be a lot of changes you're confronted with and have to accept and challenges to overcome, too. anyway sorry for such a long rant OP i felt like responding because I can relate to a lot of what you said + hopefully I've said something here you might find useful / relevant and not just me getting too far into my own analyses

You are mentally ill, and you have to stop stalking this person trying to control his life. He doesn't want you and clearly has moved on with his life.

>>78575 jesus christ people on the internet are cruel

>>78575 just wanted to let you know that if you were talking to an actual malicious stalker this would've already exacerbated the issue

>>78587 While he was speaking in a really disrespectful manner I used to be in a very similar situation like yours in the past and didn't realize the truth until it's too late. I had met someone accidentally online and just chit-chat about his vents to find out we were very similar in many ways and then became friends (pic related, it was his avatar), we used to talk much about anything at least an hour a day and it was so good until we got to a disagreement about something he wanted to do. As I wasn't able to accept it I tried to literally manipulating him without me even knowing (i.e. emotional blackmail) and then left me alone and blocked me. When I tried apologizing I was just so insisting and became his stalker, doing OSINT things just like you did (and I didn't even call me back then a stalker, giving myself excuses that "it's public, anyway!"), I draw him stuff, I even tried being someone else and lied by omission. For a while I became so obsessed with him and eventually he left the entire internet and even changed his number and only had a discord I have no idea about. I didn't realize I was a manipulative rejected stalker until I read books on mind control and manipulation, and all of what I did were "strategies" (including the drawings which I did only for his approval). I was like I fuarrrked everything up and forever and realized letting him go was the only was for me not to hurt him any further. I know you couldn't believe what I say but I think it's better to just leave him alone, literally anything, ANYTHING you do will make him feel like you're stalking/manipulating/obsessing over him. I do believe however that in a matter of a few years he may want to say something to you when you least expect it. I want to also tell you that there're really lots of people who could potentially be better than him in some way, if you look at yourself abjectively you'll realize that you really don't know much about everyone in this vast world and how many people are in the same struggles as yours or have the same interests.

Gonna create a thread and respond to you guys this moderatorship is insane

>>78568 the server is buffering, finally Hey, thanks for responding, that’s definitely very helpful and I’ll think about it. A thing that really stuck w me is what you said about controlling behavior, openness and tactfulness goes a long way, and it might be that this is just the beginning in a chain of similarly life changing experiences. But I might actually not realize how much I’m projecting the idea of freedom onto this person, like a true colonizer, without leaving room for their separate identityI had no idea that hyperpop is similar to folk punk >proxy war I guess I’m just jealous as to the fact that there are beautiful people who can permit themselves to live in a rainbow and butterfly world instead of forcing themselves to focus on the issues of societal struggles, like studying marxist theory or writing articles on psychiatric hegemony, and the closest person in my life would switch me up for someone who does exactly what I try to prevent, while being more beautiful than me, which is probably not even true the scary thing is that she was exactly like I was when I was 16 (“hello, I am strong quirky and different and myself and I want to help children through psychology”) and that was very off when I first saw it her password is Rainbow$10, you cant make this up his mom is also super autistic and a communal do-gooder, there’s that >kept his distance. some scam I asked a person from inside the big G company to look into him. that’s how I got this information. its not some "I stalked this random guy and found out he has a bdsm kink" kind of thing - you might guess I have no idea how to sleep knowing this at night. omp, all OSINT like spiderfoot h8mail snusbase intelx dehashed - there is just nothing on him he kept his distance because last time we spoke I went almost psychotic from not understanding his actions. he said he would make playlists for me and started playing and adding different stuff 24/7 and just felt like too much because of the content so regardless of whether or not he was doing it for me I was just trying to make it stop. not to say I struggle to begin to speak about it because it’s akin to mishandling a very vulnerable part of someone. it’s a weird situation considering the fact that since Spotify was the spoken platform from the beginning, I’m left to still check his profile and might expect new songs from him indefinitely as you might guess, one of the last times he redid old playlists and added/ started listening to songs we both shared the most correlating with the exact moment I first time posted an actual visual story on Ig in a month, which gave me and all my friends a reaction «this is a very strange coincidence», was quite recently he was very shy when we first met and didnt speak up at all in the group when i showed up up until he said he likes me, so something like that is to be expected

>>78568 >you always will be, its simply a matter of whether you will be accepting and aware of those things (a friend getting you into the things that might have reminded them of you, getting to learn about the world and struggles of others, and understanding how your own world applies to them, and how they make sense of it, and so on), and see them as growth, or becoming a twisted parody of everything you believe - controlling, bitter, and clinging to something in order to keep some image alive. isolating and alienating, manipulative, etc. all for what. A shared vision of freedom? very true >why do the things he's now into not indicate he's still as anti-establishment as you once knew? gangsta rap, hyperpop, light drug use, none of these things are establishment-oriented or associated with a stiff lifestyle true

>>78607 > there are beautiful people who ... I think it would help to realise that there are and always will be people more and less beautiful than you but you shouldn't let that affect you > I asked a person from inside the big G company to look into him I don't believe you. big tech would have safeguards to prevent this from happening anyway I didn't understand the rest of your post, but I hope you can move on

>>78568 if you dont believe this you will not believe most of my life is real.

>>78611 idk man I didn't believe that particular thing, but I concede that everyone's lives are different and wild things can happen that I don't even imagine...

>>78613 good, that opens you up to opportunities. if you believe in some things wild you eventually meet people who fulfill that belief

>>78614 I don't even necessarily want to meet people who do wild things. I'd rather meet people who are kind, intelligent and driven/goal-oriented

>>78615 not sure what to respond do that. i mean, these are good goals

its very unfortunate that chan started banning me as a spammer. i cant respond to the person above, and i mean, they spent a solid amount of time responding to me.

>>78616 sorry for derailing the thread it's nice to have a near real time conversation on lainchan though :) >>78617 yeah I have to switch browsers too every so often to make it work

>>78618 sure, you're good

>>78568 the reason for all of this happening is that i put insane amounts of emotional energy into keeping this person safe even today in a dream the sadness of the reasons for why i couldnt be that person were presented to me. dont think id forgive myself for detaching myself from the world of the common people i grew up with into an illusion of saviorism, I've only ever felt something like this for this person. plus im just too punk, awkward, simple and queer. could never be that perfect and mainstream

>>78589 thank you thats very helpful i havent done anything because dont want to creep this person out. the only reason ive been up to contact them now its because in a few years might regret not doing that when they actually descend into a degraded lifestyle but i surely wont follow them if they don't want to talk

>>78568 when you said that you're analyzing too much - you're good - you utter things that are obvious to you but they are the missing bits and pieces in my head - so your message contains a lot of wisdom i would go as far as to say you should probably try to write books ---------------- you seem to have gotten involved into my life so ill respond to this in order to cover any other questions - i think they just wanted someone normal. wont go ahead and respond to the "do you have a criminal record" question, but they wanted someone normal. someone who knows how to control themseleves and challenges the status quo only in a "socially acceptable" way. im all about getting into insane situations internationally and having an unusual lifestyle i've cried about this a million times already, but nobody wants a revolution. people like liberals because they're pretty, shiny, legally non-threatening, and fighters. and its easier to fvck someone dumb because you dont get too emotionally attached just mad at him he went down that road

im r4tarded because i forgot to mention the main point of the post - the person led two lives. they were different (from all the people they've talked to) more sensitive and inquiring into poetry and art of sorts, so they kept it all under a facade of a hipster persona. when we first spoke was around the time their true identity began to come out, and i think i killed all of that as for liberalism - supporting the neoliberal psychiatric movement in australia (the country with the biggest amount of military us bases outside of the us with little to no media coverage) by feeding their psychological propaganda to children is like standing on the frontlines of supporting the colonization of your own country you can go lower, but not by a lot --------------------------------------------------- yesterday night, i unsuccessfully tried to take a lethal dose of pills to end the pain and its agonizing effect on my mind and body once and for all. in the morning i went to the gym to overcome, but its hard to walk because i can still feel the agony in my chest. thanks to everyone who tried to help, i will have to put myself on suicide watch for now. dont know what happens next

>>78684 anon I hope you are doing okay and that there is someone you can reach out to for support you are wanted on this Earth and I love you (as a human) *hugs*

>>78607 I'm glad my words were helpful, lain >I had no idea that hyperpop is similar to folk punk it depends on the artist but IMO the rapper melodyx_o in some of her songs sounds like folk punk that was autotuned. I think a lot of these artists if hyperpop didn't exist might have been making folk punk or similar rock music. for instance the new wave of american hyperpop 100 gecs inspired / imitators, dylan brady of 100 gecs made country music before. >while being more beautiful than me, which is probably not even true its not. these people are beautiful in some way and you're beautiful in another. I'm not sure if you're anarchist or leftist or what but I don't think, in all of our analyses, we should reject beauty: fire is beautiful. I get how there's something campy and low-budget and dirty / messy about the kinds of punk aesthetics and some sense of pride in making do with very little. I don't think it's necessary. "everything for everyone" is a good slogan and I don't think ambition is bad, or art and awe are things to be afraid of. the entire world can be shared. >thing with the playlists >he was very shy when we first met ... it sounds like he's thinking about you and is being shy about it. I don't know what about your situation but if there's anything similarly about your that would say the same you could do that. either wait for him to contact you again or show you're thinking about him in the gentlest way possible. Also, if you have a tendency to send off-putting and emotionally charged paragraphs at people, it might be a good idea to keep a journal. these are all things you can share some day but many don't understand that some people just say a lot as their way of thinking - which is a lot to just make someone privy to. >>78609 it happens, dunno what Google is specifically like but ive heard of people doing it with other companies. >>78614 I didn't realize how true this was until i met someone like that. I didn't know what to do about it, and I don't know when I'll see her again :( >>78632 I know exactly how that feels. it sounds like he feels really special to you. please don't sell yourself short, lain. people aren't products on the shelf, even if someone acts like they are they eventually always have to contend with the realities they're neglecting. I know it's a truism, but the right people always come back. I guess this doesn't apply when it's abusers who don't stop trying to hurt you even when you break up and try to separate but I still wouldn't consider the important people in my life as much if they didn't message me again, apologies and forgiveness we repaired things. >>78643 maybe some day. unless I wrote fiction, I wouldn't help but see it as some sort of grift. I'm still in my 20s. I have multiple lives still left to lead, who knows what I'll know when I'm 40? And I don't know.. i studied creative writing in college, among other things. I want to write and publish it. but I write so little right now, I doubt any of it is remarkable. I admire ursula le guin: in her 70s, she ran a blog called "no time to spare" that was published as a book. it had the air of being wisdom from an older generation but was largely committed to talking about how american society fails the elderly. a brilliant writer and social justice until the moment she died.

>>78684 hey lain, are you doing okay? are you the person in this thread? >>>/hum/78529

>>78822 no, im the person who wrote i have to leave the country asap XD >>78702 lain, i dont come on here often - but that's absolutely interesting i also moved to Vancouver at some point to study creative writing (film, and skate) and my favorite writer was Ursula Le Guin. Me and my trans friends from McGill would go to a cat cafe at Montreal, order French Bread and read her stories - the one about the boy that they couldn't leave to suffer in the city was amazing (The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas), and most importantly her perception of the possibility of manifestation-adjacent techniques being a "dangerous political philosophy" in accordance with the power that it gives the ability to yield (Geroge Orr, The Lathe Of Heaven). "The world needs writers who can remember freedom - realists of a bigger reality" Ursula Le Guin You definitely sound and feel like a writer - if i know writers >country music insane how can you go from country to hyperpop what a dead soul >anarchist of left / reject beauty interesting how you correlated them.i keep hearing about "leftists being unable to enjoy things as they are" - apart from just conservative rhetoric, is it some famous philosophical strain that i'm just missing out on? ambition most def isnt bad, im just trying to be left because im naturally right and very ambitious thanks you remind me of writings of Hayao Miyazaki >i didnt realize how true that was im sure you will meet someone, you remind me of the person the post is about, were you shy when you first met? what happened? and same, i miss human connection lain, feel free to inquire to me at my Session ID 051634aa4dd2f4943555d690e8d6f261f3568cec9a3ba46c01eebe2c9dcb922f04 since i don't go here

>>78702 ive basically refrained from talking to him now because i got too hurt - he was adding songs to spotify which seemed to have sth to do with me and after all those melodies (with my name in the title or just the songs we had in common) a long time after, i contacted him and he posted a fully drugged up picture (basically a bunch of druggies on the streets at night w him pissing on themselves doing drugs upside down with a bunch of unidentified liquid everywhere) and a bunch of music immediatly after, then switched it up for stuff like "im not yours" after which i tried to establish contact more, and then a song with something like "{my name}, come to my house" which was part of the rollercoaster which ultimately lead to me trying to take my life after that i had to end the guessing game so i posted the response to them directly on my Instagram looking for their reaction, but i think hes just doing drugs and not thinking about any of this and i might have to go there and get him does it look like a coincidence? I genuinely have so little clue as to what the hell is going on at this point, that I (yes, im serious) submitted for political shelter at his country to come there immediately. i used the x card since this is an extreme situation - people do not come back from hard drugs I have to seriously do something about this lain, need to make sure this does not go Hero or lower. It’s impossible to live on and plan life like this

>>78843 >i also moved to Vancouver at some point are you still in van? I have some friends there.. Omelas is one of my favorites too! Okay now I really have to read the lathe of heaven because i hate people who manifest without self awarenes because it inevitably blows up on them or their loved ones and sometimes leads into an obnoxious and boring power trip about it, insufferable behavior, etc that is when it actually does anything and isn't just a form of larp over being intimidating / privileged. and i had a bunch of other reasons for reading it, too. >interesting how you correlated them.i keep hearing about "leftists being unable to enjoy things as they are" - apart from just conservative rhetoric, is it some famous philosophical strain that i'm just missing out on? one familiarity i have with leftism and anarchism is DIY and making do with very little, sustainability, and a rejection of excess - something i understand fascism and conservatism do as well, and also something many leftists don't have either. its a habit that was ingrained in me that i basically need to get away from, lest the strawberries i saved in the fridge begin to rot and i think an appropriate angle is decadence. "everything for everyone" is actually the title of a futuristic novel about the spread of insurrectionary response to global crises to new york city, (from book desc) the nerve center of capitalism. however it was historically an ideology i associated more with kropotkin, expropriation, which is the alternative to anarchist suicidalism. kropotkin himself being interesting to me because of the respect he earned from the primarily labor anarchist movement as a child of and defector from the upper class. who would focus and innovate the synthesis of anarchism and darwinism in a way that wasn't superfluously overacademicized or feed into some wannabe's capitalistic god complex that as a single point of failure inevitably and repeatedly screwed over his entire movement. I think that the left actually has done better than anarchism in this respect due to the massive weight that crimethinc / crusty type anarchism had on the milieu throughout the 2000s, which the cleaner or at least more european equivalent of might be the post-situationist occupy-adjacent documentarian crowd. "there is a secret world hidden in this one" being a memorable quote from the crimethinc conversation. the new wave of leftism however doesn't really escape the workerist puritanism anarchism has been criticizing. i believe in an anarchism that gets away from both and is sustainable and bold, and sensibly (at least non-self-destructively) optimistic about the future. >were you shy when you first met? for all of my radical politics and fiery words that attracted her, positioning i was a very conservative, timid and cold personality. afterwards i clung on to her like she was the only source of light in the world. it felt very unsexily vampiric, and i feel like there was definitely some underlying concern that if she ever opened her heart to me again like she did i would wind up taking her for granted. >im sure you will meet someone i have a best friend who inspires a lot of these same feelings in me - a sense of spiritual connection - but more importantly i think ive been learning to appreciate the joy in my other relationships. i really miss the person i mentioned but after she got sucked into a cult the leader of whom was basically if i can sound a little bit psycho doing astral warfare against us and basically through intense cold reading and tone-matching trying to abuse her tendency to sort people into roles and force herself into roles that she was also encouraging the formation of unhealthily. this however isn't the only vulnerability because role-sorting is something that only really happens as a posthoc rationalization imo in general after respect is lost, which while some become abusive towards those they don't respect there's also an incredibly healthy notion of acknowledging your past, and communicating your feelings / indicate verbally that you're taking an appropriate distance. which is more respectful and can involve trust, but with a healthier, less-unhelpfully-paranoid realism as to what a person is actually capable of and tendency towards seems reasonable instead of say, blocking them while stalking at the same time, asking friends to conduct surveillance, and sending a much less clear message by having some jealous flying monkeys go to the same shoegaze show just to glare at them for being there. hypothetically. as for the cult leader in question she also operates on imageboards btw and claims to use this one, but she does a lot of impersonation, blackmailing, SWATting, etc so just don't trust the girl who speaks vaguely with the cold reading, she copies all her stories from victims and tries to be whatever she thinks you need while scamming money out of others she wastes on private investigators and some weird delusion about wasting money as a form of symbolic communication. shes on twitter trying to infiltrate a NFT community thats rejected her, she also draws from a now-dead erotic writing twitter community and who knows where else, the common denominator however seemingly being twitter. but she used more obscure sites as apparently on mastodon she used to orbit some nobody wannabe failure of an encyclopedia dramatica admin, ran a porn imageboard, and keeps a list of everyone she believes has money to pretend to be just liek.. i should also mention she infiltrates social webs and tries to turn people against each other and promote paranoia so she seems like the only thing people can go back to. there's alot more i can get into but I'd rather not spell out things that can be skinwalkered in a public forum. regardless i can see that burning for a long time any sort of desire for that intense connection, or memories from that time period or relateability and human connection in general. and i say all this because we met on lainchan, i am / have been deliberately taking space since december until i myself for myself even if also for her get a job again or some other source of income, gain some weight (this has been working), get my healthcare, etc actual life improvement so i dont just feel like a negativistic drain who complains and is on phone whole time whenever you go out with her. perhaps overkill considering i don't need any of that when we're just chatting, my goal is keeping out the cult leader, especially since she stalks me and my other friends too, but its not someone else's problem to solve and without those things i can't support myself or be happy, which is a drain on anyone receptive enough to see it as such around me. to the cult leader in question u know who you are if ur reading this stay the fuarrrk away from me, you tried this before and it didn't work for you so lets not have a repeat of last time. >>78845 >does it look like a coincidence? it's probably not entirely a coincidence that they're thinking about you, but it seems like they're trying to send a message that they're hurt and want some kind of distance as well. >I have to seriously do something about this lain, need to make sure this does not go Hero or lower. It’s impossible to live on and plan life like this. communicate that. don't come unexpectedly to save the day when they're probably fine - doing drugs and having fun is not dangerous if harm reduction practices are followed, such as if someone in the group is actually testing them, and that need not be ur role either. plus like, if you're going somewhere try at least to have other serious reasons for going. a support network. something stable. if the water is choppy, you can't save someone whos drowning because now there are two people who are drowning. its interesting because i was just reading about something called the "karpman drama triangle" that seems relevant, here. the Savior is a role you can take on towards others you feel protective of or if they seem in a bad situation but people in bad situations often feel unhappy because of the restrictions on their agency, and Savioring them doesn't provide that agency. the most you can do is advice or coach them on how to get out and offer whatever resources at your disposal that don't put you in a state of starvation or lack as well. above all, if you care about them at all you need to respect their self-propriety and agency. because if you go to save them, once you've "saved" "protected" or whatever, you've now created another toxic, codependent relationship that will be an unsatisfying drain for the both of you, and deny them their agency. have you read the broken teapot

>>78858 i love the Karpman drama triangle!!! it shows perfectly how amoral assuming the role of saviorship is, - thats kind of how i started gravitating away from that - by proxy you assume people to be incapable and in need of help by the same logic that codependents don't see others as people in their sweetened narcissism. >everything for everyone very curious, where did you get to know about this book? The New York commitee almost sounds like the Night City commitee >manifest irresponsibly yeah i think it was also interesting because she is the first person i've ever encountered to politicize the problem of manifestation within governmental power dynamics >social suicide imho a lot of defiance towards anarchism really stems from anarchophobia. not all people need to be governed, and we need to bread people who don't need to be governed, instead embracing self-governance, pop but Terence McKenna Reject Authority, Trust Yourself a very big part of reality that liberalism misses is the part of perceiving the tragedy of the world. it comes from the lack of outsourcing intellectual authority, it comes from a lack of ontological narcissism. if we love people, we want change for them - if we love people, we are systemically involved imho Kropotkin's interpretation of humanity is way more charitable than that of Marx its good that we both support the anti-work movement. hopefully degrowth/ solarpunk accordingly >boxing as a posthoc rationalization of a lack of respect imo thats a typical narc defense which is why you see it so much in liberalism i've recently questioned a psychiatrist who works for the govt about this particular thesis in the context of autism - ocd. this gives autism adjacence, controlling the situation, if it goes towards what you described - this is most certainly more severe than the ocd tendencies the whole thing with the cult the clinging the fiery takes - all of these same things happened in my life. you have just seriously given me a heavy existential crisis

waiting for your response on Session to tell u the rest

yeah i guess for now ill just assume im a fvcking creep and he doesnt want to talk to me. its been going on for years so this kind of "emotional" solution wont do anything good. lain, if im insane and it indeed all looks like a coincidence - just tell me. ill take it for all lainons, i still focus on it because me and all my friends think this is very unlikely to be a coincidence. v unlikely because i prevent ideological capture but it could be that im yasslit or we all have collective psychosis im guessing it was just a really good person and i really fuarrrked up

>>78877 >lain, if im insane and it indeed all looks like a coincidence - just tell me. ill take it you're not. > it could be that im yasslit you are. he's gaslighting you. he doesn't realize that he is, though - gaslighting is a simple operation with many different names and precise definitions, even kids can do it. >im guessing it was just a really good person and i really fuarrrked up you probably made mistakes, but it sounds like so did he. sometimes people want to put something intense in the past. I'm sure you'll hear from him again some day. will you be ready?

>>78915 yes

>>78858 ill respond to some of the more convoluted points on here because we dont seem to catch each other on Session you remind me of theorygram. its a community i was part of (with majors of the best sociological unis of the world) when i first tried to figure out adulthood and lived in a commune with syndicalists in Montreal (real communist praxis). these are some of the most beautiful moments of my life Kropotkin is widely critisized in rus for his idealistic logistics. imho we must utilize all the theoretical knowledge to imagine solarpunk, neosingularity and the radically different future. we are on the verge between the Now and the Possible. we must try and use our imagination to stand forward and imagine what we cant yet imagine as for everything you told me above (which made me question your identity and whether we know each other from before) - i highly recommend to reassess all the sequitirs and logical connections made in the state of affect

>>78919 Hi, I currently live in a major city through public housing. While the walkability and location allows me to live a life style aligned within leftist theory, I'd be interested in learning about where a presently young adult could also find communes to consider joining? pic vaguely related

>>78922 hey we were just about to put theorygram back together there are also local spaces like hackerspaces but this is the quickest hack i've found so far to get an in to a "prestigious" international space of underground intellectuals fast go to rhizomatic_memer's discord say you're from here i can add you whoever is reading this and feels themselves capable / of intellectual authority to be on the line for the organization of international leftist readings worldwide in the best sociological universities of the world, do the same, and i will talk to you

>>78925 I might've sent you a dm

What is this? You clearly have so much emotional energy for this person but I'm not sure I'd call it compassion. You seem far more focused on what music he's listening to or what books he reads that if he's happy and it's all so grandiose. Listening to such music is a degradation just unbearable to witness. A messy drug fueled night out in your 20s is cause for seeking political asylum. It's something that you "don't come back from." Attempting to help children, even in ways that you and I think are naive, suggests "you can go lower, but not by a lot." It's absurd. Moreover it has the tone of a Christian with compassion for the gays. They just want to save them from a lifestyle that is degrading and harmful to them. Though the object of the compassion seems to have other ideas. Usually I wouldn't say anything, it's not my business and such talk is sadly quite common in the right circles, but there's been talk of suicide attempts and that pains me. Your pain is my pain. That is compassion. Do you think if he read something like this he'd feel pain? Isn't that more important than what music he listens to? There are people in the world who would laugh or feel smug that they weren't so weak and there's far lower still that people can go. You and your friend both sound like spoons for different reasons, but you both sound like decent folk as well. The standard that you hold yourself to is so far beyond realistic I almost have trouble believing it. Not only are you holding him to an exacting and specific standard on what makes a good life, you hold yourself accountable, and not just accountable but truly responsible or even guilty because he didn't live this life? His choices are not your responsibility. Some of the other posters are right. There is something about this that is twisted. If you want my advice focus on true compassion. Ask yourself how do they feel? What do they think? What do they want? You do not know better than them what is good for them. If you wish to help you must first listen. Otherwise you'll end up like the Christians. Full of righteousness and justice and certainty but only capable of hurting those you wish to save. Be compassionate to yourself as well. Not every failing is a moral one. Humans are flawed creatures and we can only ever do our best. Everyone gets a bit of soykaf on them sooner or later. It's not degrading... Well, it is degrading, but it's life. Nobody's perfect.

>>81103 i wont respond to this further because this topic is closed for me, but half of this talk of liberalism is because i did social sciences in Canada (great choice, by the way) disliking liberals is not a tough nut to crack - half of North America "just wants so save children" - there are way better ways to destroy people you talk to than by pretending to be a good person. additionally, there are better ways of destroying your own country. its hard to be educated and to have a meaningful life - its easy to find someone incapable of critical assessment and fvck them & cheat on several people, i cant save anyone i dont think it was even towards her - just associating with people like this, i probably hoped or believed this person had principles i think God is Gay. >listen i listen all the time no profit so to speak just have troubles understanding if i should stay eternally waiting. i listen and learn a lot by nature I think I honestly might just need to fvck off and find someone who appreciates me more; take my friends and fvckoff to some island buy off Varans give them sophisticated Arabic royal names and drink coconut tea; and then fvck off to New York bunker up from all the liberals and read & make movies with the Brooklyn underground elite. we're getting onto Dune anyways, which is cool

>>81110 stop caring for women dude , its not your problem. if the chains with which mother nature bonds you are loose just think of women as another specie and any wrong that happens to them are other women fault. Focus on yourself and your friends instead, trust me it will be way more productive

>>78925 idk how to use discord but I might check this out