/vent/

old thread hit limit. prev: >>75644

Hey Lainanons. I'm obsessed with a girl again. The same girl I was trying to move on from months ago (I made a few vent posts about some threads back if anyone remembers. I'm sorry I didn't take you guys' advice!). After 5-ish months of no contact, on a desperate whim I wished her a happy new years, to which she actually responded to and we started chatting semi-regularly again. I somehow managed to get another date with her a week ago, we both seemed to enjoy ourselves. She was interested and engaged the entire night. After I dropped her off she messaged me and we responded back and forth for a bit until I went to sleep. I responded to her in the morning and she hasn't opened it since. The point here being that I'm confused as to why she ghosted me, as the date itself must have gone good enough for her to want to message me afterwards, only for her to suddenly stop in the morning. At the time I originally wrote this she had left me on delivered for 2 days, but as the last thread hit the reply limit I'm not posting until now, and it's been a week since. I can't stop anxiously obsessing over my phone waiting for a notification. The only reason I haven't completely lost hope entirely is that it seems she hasn't really been using the app (her snapscore hasn't been going up, yes I'm aware that is a crazy thing to be aware of), I also saw her in passing a few days ago and we had a short chat. More delusion. I'm such an idiot. Getting involved with her again was such a bad idea, I could have moved on but now I'm straight back to square one, anxious and sad over this same fuarrrking girl. It's funny how stupid I'm acting, and I'm being delusional in the same ways I was months ago. Any minute progress I made on moving on has been erased. I guess because this is the closest thing to love and a relationship I've ever had is why I care so much about it. It makes every detail of her personality special and lovable to me, why is probably why I'm so hung up on her specifically, rather than just a general wanting of a girlfriend. I'm perfectly self aware that I'm acting hysterical and obsessive. I don't know if I have some sort of mental illness or if my heart is just weak. I've been in a depressive daze because of this. I don't want to do anything and have been sleeping away large parts of the day, even when I do go out my mind eventually wanders back to her. It makes functioning difficult and enjoying anything even more so. Part of me believes that in a few days she'll open it and respond, then I'll ask her out on another date, if she says yes, then great and if she says no, then at least I won't be worrying anymore. I just fear she will never open it and I'll be left in a perpetual state of anxiety and waiting, that it will never end. I don't even want to begin to think of what she is so busy doing while I think of her longingly. I don't know. I feel terrible. Whenever something good happens, life seems to correct itself to make itself bad again. I know I'm pathetic and crazy. The worst thing is that there's no fixing this. I could never see or talk to her again, and I would still think of those moments with her. I just know I'll be thinking of her on my deathbed. It's a truly awful state of affairs, I don't know if I properly conveyed those feelings or if it sounds frivolous, but to me this is ruining my life. I just want to spend time and talk with her. Thanks for reading my self-indulgence.

Much like a cut of meat left to dry out in the sun, life is progressively losing its vivacity. Very few things serve as defibrillators, stimulating my heart to keep pumping blood to life, which otherwise would have given up. There is so much trapped inside of me, desperate to escape, but without ever finding an exit. If I close my eyes to meditate, even if for 5 minutes, I am certain my spirit will be assaulted by such emotions. My head spins, my heart aches and my vision is blurred. Like a dry bulb from a flower that died before its blossom and mourns its own death, my heart is filled with sorrow Words along with my not very developed capacity to usem them cannot give life to what I truly feel.

>>77423 Yep, been there myself, and decided to never ever get to that point again. In my case my ex gf actually gave me a reason to hate her which in hindsight made it so much easier to get over. Just focus on other stuff lainon, time heals all wounds. Stay busy and just don't idle away because doing nothing will only hurt you more.

>>77423 Oh my god dude, start Peating. Your metabolism is so slow that it fails to dissolve even this dysfunctional experience.

i feel so wrong most of the time. i feel so separated from myself. i always act differently, mimicking others in an attempt to seem normal, but i always end up loosing myself. i hate who i become when im around people. i know my morals, but i bend them so easily in an attempt to be seen the same as others. i feel like i've lied to everyone ive ever met. i feel like nobody has ever met me as my true self (or whatever would be closest.) i feel incredibly guilty tonight. i get so cruel when i want to be seen how i think others want to see me, then i realize who i am and i feel so bad. im in control of my choices and my behavior, but i've been pretending so long that i cant tell whats really me and whats not. its such a strange cycle to even have to break. i hate how mean our society seems to be, yet i act the same. i dont even believe in most of the things i say. i cant even tell whether or not this is me or if im just mirroring someone else. i feel sick to my stomach and i wish i was different. how do i change? how do i act more like myself?

Current status: over There is no god but god and Terry A. Davis was his prophet.

>>77434 Thank you for the kind words. You managed to get over it? It would be easier if she was hateable, instead she ignores my existence while hers is all I care about. Not that I wish to hate her and soil those memories I cherish. The worst thing is that we share mutual friends so I can't completely avoid and not think of her. I caught a cold that coincided with all this, so it's been hard to do anything other than just rot. I still am trying my best at staying busy and being social but everything is soaked in melancholy. I see anything romantically related and think of what I could have had, had things went differently. I feel like I blew my one chance at her and from it attaining happiness. >>77436 What? This seems like a cult thing.

>>77463 Your diction reeks of an inflamed gut. I bet you eat grains every single day.

Life's been kinda hard. My best friend had some job troubles so I lent him a substantial portion of my savings so he could get back on his feet. I don't doubt he will return it, it's just that it is like kicking dead whales down the beach that he has to go through it and he definitely feels uncomfortable asking me afterh hee bought a new house and spent lavishly expecting a bigger salary at a new place but that's better than taking it from someone less trustworthy. My GF fracking hates her job but refuses to leave because it's a god job by all metricsband it would be hard to find something like that nearby except that she just doesn't like to work there (she has sociophobia and has to work with a lot of people in the same room which stresses her out). I support her either way but it's definitely taking a toll on my Psyche to watch her cry regularly and generally looking down because she can't stop thinking about going back there and how she hates herself for being so childish as to not just suck it up and stop requiring me to lent her a shoulder. She also refuses to see a cardiologist because she thinks that her tachycardia is not serious (it is) and that the doctor would laugh at her if she went (bad experiences in the past it seems). My colleague has back problems so he took a vacation and so there's no one to take over while I'm sick so I'm just working on ibuprofen and a forse of will because otherwise the company will basically soykaf down. All in all, it's not too bad, but kinda stressful.

the internet feels empty? i'm trying to channel so i need shovels of visual & audio media and art of specific aesthetics, such as dark academia, light academia, steampunk, and all the options left to me are fuarrrking youtube or hope maybe there's a thread on 4chan. what else is there? i need to go deep

>>77471 are.na is good, i like it

I am going to soon be left alone with little prospect of finding any friend or love. I have no social skills, all my previous friends have already left or will leave me in coming months. Reading social clues is very difficult for me, I dont know when something is meant to offend me or said sincerly. I often think of myself as a retard. I am so antisocial, that I dont even form internet friendships. It has gotten only worse now, as I cry fairy often and even had semi-serious suicidal thoughts. Probably not even half as bad as others lainons here, but I had to spit it out

>>77473 >Reading social clues is very difficult for me, I dont know when something is meant to offend me or said sincerly. Honestly dont think it matters. Many online communities are build around the value you provide and not how socially skilled you are. The only trouble is caring about a subject enough to git good and find likeminded people. I think irl friends weren't much different, you just accepted whoever you found because you wanted people to play with and playing regularly with same people is what made them friends. Common goals was always the underlying cause of friendship and not how eloquent you are. Its also why adults lose friends - they lose common goals and with that the reason to keep in touch.

>>77473 >no social skills >social difficulties >low self esteem >antisocial >no friends not even online >cries like a bitch >suicidal thoughts >things getting worse Me in early teens to early adulthood kek Then eventually i just got through it and now i'm kinda alright. Dark night of the soul. But i don't know if someone who is not of my make and caliber would make it through the same way i did. Quite, nobody knows how to solve the puzzle of life. I have a nice thought which is you will die, and when you do you will realize that you're the player and the body is just the game character

>>77472 it tells me i need to sign up and i don't even know what it is.

Do you ever just feel fundamentally broken? I've been detached from my self for so long that I'm not even sure what am I supposed to do with my life now. I'm sort of just pushing forward on autopilot, but I can't bring myself to do anything aside from the bare minimum. Even though I've got plenty of time, I'm constantly haunted by the notion that I need to find some way to rest, with no way to fulfill that need. I wish I had access to some form of psychological help, but given the quality of medical services here, the possibility of getting actual help is... next to none.

>>77415 I am thoroughly demoralized as someone working in the cybersecurity landscape. I am beginning to fear technology like a medieval peasant might have feared God. It really has become this all-knowing, all-seeing eye. I am already compromised, and from stuff which I had no control over. Even if you don't personally engage in it, everyone around DOES. So it's a prison, and you'll never get out. I think people need to just step back and think about how utterly insurmountable this is from a human perspective. People seem unduly optimistic about technology, or at least complacent. Even the most techno-fetishist Kurzweillian ideas about technology are absolutely horrifying. It is enough to drive me hysterical between bouts of extreme detachment.

Started a new job. It's week three. I'm still in training and fuarrrking up constantly. Trying to keep my head above water and keep energized through this full time wagie lifestyle. Feel too stupid for what should be a simple job. I don't think that the job is beneath me, in fact for an entry level job it's really not too bad. Even entry level jobs require new skills and abilities, and I can't expect to be good at it right away. I don't even know why I feel like I *should* be good at it quickly. I could be more confident, I could care less what people think, I could tell myself I'm smart and capable. Sometimes I'm just trying to fight back tears. Just got to keep swimming. It'll get easier.

Sometimes I think ive died a decade ago, not physically unless im in hell. I dont feel emotions same they are weak, i dont feel more delicate physical sensations anymore. Everything just is so dull. I dont know if being depressed for over two decades and my brain shut down my emotions or if i messed up my brain from a daily beer for a decade or if i caused brain damage from banging my head in frustration not enough i passed out or felt dazed but i saw some stars. I dont seem to have cognitive deficit aside from my usual bad attention though so i dont know.

>>77485 After a long period of depression it is common to become emotionally numbed and depersonalised because our brain must try to cope with the pain. I feel the same and have been depressed and anxious for also 2 decades. I think i do have more cognitive decline than you indicate for yourself, though

>>77480 My advice hold a journal where you churn deep and expose your deepest thoughts on virtual paper. Some may even be unknown to you and as you progress you'll learn more about yourself and methods to handle and maintain yourself. Hack yourself, i mean. Understand why you tick the way you do and work with that like a techie or a scientist would. You sound stuck, but more accurately, blind

i jist finished hiegh school, don't have live direction fat and no friends i can bare lie speak my native language and am porn addict. all i do is jerk of and play minecratf 5 heur a day and then watch youtube or pirated films for 8 heur a day. i wanna kill my self becouse there is nothing in this world for me. but i don't wanna kill my self becouse and i wanna impruve

>>77490 Getting in shape should help you.

>>77490 Read Flowers for Algernon. It's a good book. I read it once in one sitting from early evening through the night despite having to go to school without sleep when I was 16. I still think about this book when I'm 26. It won't fix anything but it might give you some answers to the questions you didn't know you wanted to ask. In general, try reading some stuff, doesn't matter if fiction or nonfiction. It helps.

>>77486 Yeah. Just chiming in. Depression has taken everything from me. Music movies games goals nature socialization sexuality. I'm just some incel loser who can't even take care of himself and people don't like being around me and i can't relate to anyone anymore

Trying really hard to not CLAMP post. Sometimes I go to sleep and wake up in a terrible mood, like I've been subjected to subliminals during sleep. And I slowly become triggered by every little thing, and it all strings together and culminates, I feel like the entire world is all over me and I can't get it off, and everything around me is doing something that I cannot make sense of, and I begin to be drawn into an inner spiral and just want to call it all CLAMPED. fuarrrkING CLAMPED STOP making no sense. BEGIN making sense. Sigh.... it's definitely some kind of subliminal. It's the act of a certain manner of sleep which on waking has completely transformed the mind. This applies even if I only briefly nod off, it's like when I wake up everything has changed. I feel vague irritation. I feel agitation. I feel extreme unrest. It's not even anger or cold rage... I'm not sure how to describe it. Maybe I have sleep seizures or something. Caused by the relaxation of the jaw and neck muscles, which brings aberrant stimulation unto the brainstem and anterior cerebellum. Might explain a thing or two.

>>77549 >Ever since I was raped in weird cirscuntances as a 6 year old, I felt like a fuarrrking degenerate, could it be that I am one? A person's mind is shaped, builds itself up during childhood. Childhood trauma is very negative in a lasting way because it interferes with this process and prevents the psychological integrity of a person from developing naturally. This means that on a psychological level, your foundations may be relatively unstable and fragile when compared with someone who has grown up healthily and naturally. Now, onto shame. Shame is a societal phenomenon, that is, it just doesn't exist outside of the public context. Yes, there is still guilt, which is the private equivalent. If you feel shame related to how your condition interferes with the way you interact with your social surroundings, it may stem from your inability to really comprehend your condition, and putting yourself on the same level of judgement as what you perceive to be the norm in terms of social ability (hint: does not exist) What i mean is that you are not conscious that if you have suffered childhood trauma, the deep lasting consequences are simply not your fault, and being unable to comprehend this will surely lead you to suffer. I think, and i am not you, that the way you immerse yourself in what you yourself consider to be messed up kinks is, itself, a way of coping with this condition. I would even theorize that it's your subconscious trying to get a grasp on the trauma to deal with it better. If you perceive these fetishes to be messed up and depraved, that stems from your judgement which seems based on ethics and values, yours or "society's". If the values are yours, then i doubt you'd be much of a degenerate, simply because you are able to judge the fetishes so. Fetishes are very often tied to deep psychological mechanisms and complexes, especially when you consider them to be depraved but still have them. Usually you as a person are trying to resolve an internal conflict, get over something, or accept yourself. Perhaps you would not have these fetishes if you did not judge them to be degenerate? In any case, i advise you to comprehend yourself. Understand that the negative consequences of childhood trauma don't have your own actions as their source, you have no culpability in this. Forgive yourself. Accept and understand that you will encounter more difficulties in life as other people simply because no two persons are the same and you are built different. You haven't named the fetishes and i can only somewhat figure it out though, so i don't know enough. Perhaps you're a pedo, which would be a logical conclusion and logical in itself. Childhood experiences leave lasting impacts, in good and in bad, just in any way really. So not only would your earliest memory of sex be connected with childhood abuse, but now your deep mind is trying to process this, so you may end up stuck on it or develop an paraphilia. I don't know how young you are, but go for therapy in any case. The sooner the better. You've not just got some knots you need to undo, you need to do some foundation repair. It will take time. And self-deprecation won't be helping you. Peace upon you anon, you deserve absolution

Is it insensitive to compare imageboards to drugs? I feel like I lost 10+ years of my life to getting addicted to imageboards and having my brain rewired in a way that prevented me from doing anything that requires focus and doesn't give instant gratification and also poisoned my mind with cynicism. You might say I would have gotten addicted to something else but even video games and watching tv is healthier than imageboards I think. And with drugs at least maybe you would have some crazy stories to tell and would have socialized in some way. I'm aware there are a lot of people browsing imageboards in moderation but I think for certain lonely, awkward, ADD individuals imageboards can be dangerous. With slow altchans like this at least the slow posting speeds help by making it less addictive. I still blame myself but now I feel like, even if others won't accept it, a good reason for why I lag so far behind normal people who didn't get exposed to imageboards ever or early in life.

I'm in a pretty bad mind state right now. Everything feels so close to falling apart, yet there's no reason as to why I'm feeling like this. I can't help staying up all night everyday and sleeping during the day. I'm managing my school work and social relationships but it exhausts me. I'm not really stressed about it but I'm also having some health problems which may be potentially serious. I hate the fact that I think this way but I almost wish it was some kind of terminal cancer so I wouldn't have to deal with life anymore. I'm not bitter or anxious about it, just so indifferent towards everything that if someone told me that id feel tranquility and won't feel bad about my indifference

i feel so disconnected from my emotions and body and what seems like lost in my head, but not how I used to be or maybe I just never really was till now. When my depression and addiction issues became too much I retreated into my brain to fix them, I stopped valuing feeling good or dreading feeling bad. I decided that every single thing in my world was going to be my responsibility, and now I am too stressed to focus on the things that matter to me most. I spend every second imagining bad scenarios to things and how I will deal with them. I stress people out just by opening my mouth, and I think it stresses them out even more because I have everything one should need to feel secure. I think a lot of people like this lie to themselves and say "I have it because I do all this stress and work", but I refuse to lie to myself about things anymore. I was not stressing myself out a quarter as much to get to where I am now, I do not work that hard and in fact the meaningless stress I put on myself prevents me from working as hard as id like to. Its impossible to ever feel rested like this and I can not focus on things right. One of my biggest securities is someone who loves me and I love them and have for years now. But because of where im at in my head I dont feel much of any love or anything often. I know I love them, I know I do worse without them, but I dont in the moment feel it. Its somewhere in here and in moments where Im back in reality I can feel it again but in this stressful machine world ive created in my brain I dont feel it. Everything is like this, because ive stopped allowing myself to feel happy or sad about things nothing is intuitive everything is something I just know I must do, or know deep down brings some joy even though I cant feel it. I thought for awhile maybe I just was not in love with anything, and didnt like anything that I used to, and just needed to find new things. But I can tell now that I am mostly the same person just disconnected from my body. I cant remember the exact moment I decided to be like this I think I got too drunk one night and felt like ive been going on whims and feelings and intuitions long enough im sick of this and I moved to a new building and started a new job and started seeing friends less and worrying more. The thing is prior to now I had never really pushed myself, in fact I still dont think I really have all the way. In some ways, I have just as much stress now as I always have. I feel like im almost at a point of release, at some new state of mind where being idle as I am now is no longer stressful and everything I am doing is normal to me. I know the answer isnt to "take less off my plate", I really dont do that much. Many things have gotten easier, I know they are easier, but they just dont feel easier yet. My new job I used to stress everyday about messing something up and now I can do it even if Im totally out of it. But my brain hasnt accepted yet that it is not hard for me, that all of the things it stresses and worries about I have successfully pushed through every day for the past year. When I tell myself that I cant shake the thought of but something new could come up, you cant relax. Many of the scenarios I imagine and im not talking about work I just mean in life, in general, no one would blame me for if they happened. But because of this thought that all of the world around me is ultimately my problem, the issue is I would blame myself. If I got robbed tommorow at gunpoint id see it as a problem I wasnt able to solve and some kind of proof of my lack of ability. People sometimes bother me about things that have nothing to do with me and for awhile I was wondering why is this happening to me why are people getting mad at me for stuff that is their problem. I realized its because I assume its my problem, and that I dont get bothered anymore than anyone else its just most other people tell the person to fuarrrk off and dont think about it again. I dont want to be like how I was where im just tossed around by the wind but how I am now isnt good either, neither are really living. Its really hard to decide what things I need to let go of and what things are in my control besides the obvious ones like worrying about dying and what not. I do not stress about things that are truly out of my control, but there is many things where i certainly could control them at the cost of my quality of life. And then I have to think well which things really do bring quality to my life. By that I mean even small things like not walking around at night in a city like the one I live in. In some small way that reduces your quality of life, but the control of your own safety is worth it. So then what about carrying pepper spray, or a gun, during the day. What about always eyeing my surroundings for suspicious people. What about always having my hand on said self defense item to ensure I can get to it before a would be attacker. Where exactly is the line drawn, how much are each of these steps creating stress in me to what level is each worth it. If I can imagine and can do the most, then surely if im doing anything less and something happens it will be my fault and I will feel like its my fault. Maybe this also says something about the way I think but I can already imagine some smartass saying "Dont live in such a place then, thats whats causing your stress". This is an example, everything is like this no matter where I am at all times. If I lived in some suburb, id likely be having similar albeit less dangerous thoughts involving stressing over dealing with neighbors and HOA's and whatever else. Besides which, I want to be someone who can be at peace wherever I am. Im not interested as I said in "taking more off my plate" when I see many people with far less going for them doing far more than me and much more gracefully. I know its a problem inside not outside.

>>77568 >Is it insensitive to compare imageboards to drugs? Not if it's a fast-paced site like 4chan. I only use slow ones nowadays because I'll otherwise find myself wasting my time, refreshing the catalog constantly looking for the rare good thread (which happened once/twice a week at best), then devoting 100% of my time toward keeping that thread alive. I was too afraid to step away even for a minute because it might 404 on me in the meantime. So fast imageboards are definitely like a drug combined with a skinner box. But a slow one isn't any more addictive than the forums I should've spent my time on. And yeah, it turned me into a cynical asshole too. 00s /b/ wasn't as bad as modern 4chan where you're going to get molded into keeping the feds' boogeyman alive, but it still wasn't the kind of place you'd want a teenager to spend his time on. I had a bit of a creative spark, but seeing all the trolling they did toward other teenage artists made me too afraid to share anything I made, which eventually sapped my desire to make anything to begin with. I should've spent my teens on fan forums for games I liked, at least there they would've nurtured my creativity and helped me make friends. I did try posting on a couple, but I was so socially inept that I just made a fool of myself, annoyed everyone, and lost any will to stay there feeling no one would accept me. And now all these forums are either long dead or have become cliquey hellholes (infected with Politics™ for good measure).

>>77415 I am beginning to have paranoid delusions. It's the next stage in my ongoing mental decline. I don't talk with other people in real life because I think they are recording me. I went outside the other day, and I thought I was being followed. But even if I intellectually know that this is likely not true, I find myself acting and feeling as if it is. Being around people makes me fuarrrking hysterical. My only relent is to live vicariously through people in media and in the news, indulging in masturbatory fantasies that I know I never could or would actually carry out. What's so great about society? Or the real world? I don't care about any of it. I don't care about world hunger. I don't care about AIDs. I don't care about democracy™. I don't care if I am a hypocrite, a liar, bastard, or thief... If I could choose any way to spend the rest of my life, it would be in an unending fever dream of ambiguous psychedelic vertigo; pure fuarrrking chaos.

>>77704 I fi was a gongom i woula pilke ahouh vn wy seif if so tkat i owppy acocidot hammins

>>77701 >>77697 I feel like I dont fit in here anymore. I dont really have any hobbies or interests. This place is just another one to check. And I've been here for a long time. Tried Linux. Tried programming. Neither really worked out or gripped me like they do others here. Neither does DIY or tech in general. But there's nothing else I can really do either. Thats why I can't talk to people in real life anyway. Because I have nothing to say. I dont watch TV or anything. No music or games really. I don't really do anything.

everynyan is so scary... I'm struggling to eat and I'm becoming so scared of judgement so I've retreated back to isolation to cope. I have my hobbies at least, like art, programming, and research but I also really miss my friends. But I'll explode if I have to talk to someone again even if it's to ask the time. I have so many drugs atm that now all feel like soykaf, and lainchan is increasingly looking like 4chan 2 while my favorite internet spaces all enshitify. Ugh

I hate being sperg so fuarrrking much I wish I could cut it out of my like fuarrrking tumor, I wish it had been detected in uterto so I could be aborted every day feel like a fuarrrking defect, I hate so fuarrrking much,worse is still have the same desire for companionship affection respect, loce just in mutant fuarrrking sperg brain

>>77816 LAIN got sperg'd but still won't leave "the world" behind. You more than many should see there is nothing for you in it, despite what you think you want. So be more than the world. Do something greater than the world. This will ease the pain, live through a higher mission.

I usually listen to something during work because I work around machinery that is occasionally loud so having some audiobook or a podcast really helps. Also very nice when you have to just sit and monitor the process in case something goes wrong or if you do a repetitive task. Anyhow, Dan Carlin recently released a new episode of HHA on the Holocaust and I kinda started falling in to a "why the 20th century was categorically worse than anything we ever saw before of since" rabbit hole of content. Granted, I knew the broad strokes of it already and it's probably spurred by the fact that the 21 century is starting to get ready to challenge the 20 century so I'm trying to cope by going as deep as I can considering I don't really have a lot of time and energy to read books with my eyes (still finishing up Rubicon by Tom Holland). Generally, it's a pretty informative and thought provoking experience. Still, it seems it's getting a little out of hand because it's not easy to snap.back to my actual life so almost everyone is telling me that I constantly look like something terrible has happened. Hopefully this urge that compells me to consume this kind of content will subside soon otherwise there can be some consequences to the mental health of my loved ones. I don't really care about mine on this account, this behaviour is more the effect of the problems that I have rather than the cause and I learned to live with it.

>>77850 This is why I only engage with people through a shared task or mission. After this I have no basis left to interact with them.

>>77853 If you secured your future and no longer had a basis to interact with anyone, what would you do?

>>77855 I used to ask myself whether I was more something pretending to be human, or something pretending it wasn't. Likewise I wondered if I did as I did because I had something they didn't, or I lacked something they had. I can't really answer your question because I've experienced it in a number of ways. From extreme FOMO / separation anxiety (despite having always been alone, which is why it had to implode and almost drown me), and also as a sort of force of nature or spirit in physical form. Having a golem-like emptiness, seeing the body and mind as puppets, and just doing pointless things or trying to create this or that thing, or change this thing, or interact with others indirectly. Eventually this brings regret. Historically the answer is clear, without this shared medium and direction I don't initiate or sustain connections with other people. They cling on for a while but it goes away. However at present I won't pretend I have the answer to that. I understand pursuing hollow comfort is pointless.

Trying to unearth and plug psychological vulnerabilities. >>77856 >>77853 Also I apologize if this wasn't what you were asking. When I was early 20's I had images and vague impressions in my mind about what I would be doing, could I go on forever, where should I be trying to get to and what would it mean to arrive. I call these stable macrostates. I think if you have the wrong constellations of too much and too little happening to you, things don't mend correctly (you're outside the window for hormesis and begin to crumble). So you get to be ~30 and those sorts of terms become meaningless.

>>77837 Thank yo >>77843 I am in a very very urban area metro. >>77847 mine was the exact same as yours in this regard. she was not a good person and still is not. the most common words i heard growing up were "retarded" and "disgusting". shes even taken me in to be diagnosed and every single time...im perfectly normal. I moved out but the people I moved in with just ignore me basically. I really have not enjoyed being alive at all to be honest. Im just getting older. my chances at having a nice life are just slipping away even more. i dont feel i have any positive memories to rely on either. i dont feel understood by anyone. i feel totally lonely. i kind of wish i could have a simple life. a simple physical job i can do thats enough to live really humbly and just make rent. a girlfriend. maybe i could have a kid one day. But I just dont know. my nurture was all fuarrrked up. my nature is fuarrrked up. The simplest things in life seem impossible to me. im lost. and nobody wants to help an old person understand basic things. nobody wants to be around a sad person either.

So sick of being weak and small. I wish I was powerful. I want to be the guy who people tread lightly around because at any moment I can show them how ruthless I am. I want to be the guy no one speaks about since anything they say will get back to me. I want to be the guy who, with a wave of my hand, can make someone (or a whole lot of someones) disappear. I want everyone else to know what it's like to be weak, powerless and afraid.

>>77878 Been trying for the last decade

>>77884 Listen to me now, friend. I take the time to tell you this because you remind me of someone I love. You do not deserve to feel the way you do, and there is a good chance that you'll find someday that nobody ever really judged you as harshly as you judged yourself. If you are a good person who wants to do good things for/with others and find a sense of belonging among them -- or even if you only want to engage in some honest trade and keep to yourself -- then I personally assure you, you do not want to know what it feels like to know that someone you're trying to help or just connect with is intimidated, threatened, coerced, or otherwise influenced by some fear of you. If you wanted from the very beginning to have power just to amuse yourself by toying with others, then I wouldn't know how to help you if I wanted to. I suspect, however, that this is not the case, and that you would not particularly benefit from an exercise in discovering the true depths of loneliness and rejection from society (if this word makes your lip curl, you take it wrong; I mean the social contact and acceptance critical to our health and sanity). You don't want people to tread lightly around you -- you want them to respect you enough to be real with you because they know you'll respond with tact, restraint, and forgiveness. You don't want people to worry about things getting back to you -- you want to be known for being able to laugh at yourself instead of spending your life cloistered behind a wall of ego-protecting pretensions and never really letting yourself be vulnerable -- scary but vital. You don't want to make others know how it is to feel weak and afraid -- you want to be able to help them not feel weak and afraid anymore like you once were. Is it presumptuous of me to tell you what you want? Maybe so, but if you are a well-meaning person who was treated badly by others, then I have no doubt that I'm right, no matter how dead your trust and hope in others may be. It doesn't matter right now -- this is the kind of truth that reveals itself in its own time. Just be ready to notice it when it does and however justified your resentment is, don't let it, or fear of future suffering, stop you from finding what you need to be fulfilled. I have little hope right now that you'll believe me or take me seriously at all. But I assure you verily, things can truly be as I've said, and more easily than it must seem now. One unavoidable trait of the human mind makes this partially your responsibility to deal with, even if it's not your fault: We find it exceedingly hard to respect and find worthy someone with no self-respect or self-worth, and our compassion flows less eagerly the more someone seems to depend on it. It's not great. Maybe it's our curse to share. But the fact is, it begins with you looking within yourself and finding a way for it to be enough for you, that you know you're good enough, and worthy of your own praise and respect, and confident that you can make it. If these beliefs don't really exist in you in the first place, how can anyone else ever agree with them? I promise it will be better; keep going and doing what you know to be right -- but part of having self-respect is being willing to make assertive responses to unacceptable treatment, even if you already know they'll laugh or treat you worse or whatever. So I by no means suggest that you should strive to be long-suffering. It's okay to let go and be weak and vulnerable; this is the only way to ever truly get close to anyone. It is okay to be afraid, lost, in need of help, and uncertain. Hiding fear is the hobby of every true coward who ever lived -- inasmuch as they ever did live. When you can go to someone you know and respect and, at risk of all their harshest judgments you may imagine, but faith in their goodness as a person, lay bare your fear, shed tears before them, and seek their advice or reassurance, then you will begin to know what strength is made of. Please do everything you can to find a therapist who makes you feel understood, and hide nothing from them. And listen to "I Am a Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel. You might not come out of where you are now without some work, but you are worth the effort.

>>77911 >This isn't something you can just seethe about until everyone else gets their soykaf together and starts treating you with respect. There is no such things. Hierarchies are set, and they are often based off of things you have no control of. The person coming from a nice background has a far greater chance of being higher in the hierarchy than the person coming from the lower background. It is harder to ascend in the normgroid hierarchy because social mechanisms are designed to keep people at the bottom. If you try, then they will do everything in their power to keep you in your position. >self-administer cognitive-behavioral therapy I'm not him, but I've done this before, and it's a complete waste of time. >If there are people who routinely make you feel weak or disparage your strength, get rid of them and give them no more of your time or energy. This is easier said than done in many cases. >Simply do the work required to become stronger and gain more authority and influence. Except, sometimes a person does put in the work, and puts an extensive amount of time and effort towards change, and it leads nowhere because your position in the hierarchy is hard to alter. >learn to love yourself and let yourself be vulnerable even though people might hurt you It sounds like you're someone who has had strong social support throughout your life and friends to come to your aid when you need it, and you don't possible understand how others in any other situation could feel.

>>77911 >All your nonverbals are saying This is a meme. The process is telepathic and downstream of your unconscious assumptions and "organization". It's not some magical unco0nscious association engine that just magically creates feelings, impuilses, and impressions. You quite literally create and script people with your mind. That's the secret. You can think of it however you want, put it in esoteric terms like the astral, put it in hard mechanistic materialistic terms and go on about characterizing ELF transduction by biogenic magnetite and other tissues, and the field created by autonomic activity, circulatory system, EEG, infrasound and subvocals, ultrasound, skin surface emissions. Whatever. Fact is, more often than not, what people think and do comes down to you. Not the other way around. Body language was popularized because most people can neither figure this out nor accept it, so they come up with magical explanations that masquerade as the inverse.

>>77915 Are you saying this doesn't sound magical itself? I mean, it seems like we already agree about the high-level idea that what people think and do comes down to you, or at least what they think of you and do to you. It just seems like you're saying the same effect happens, not via nonverbals but through some other mechanism, or no particular one. All I'm getting here is "that's not why it happens, you can model it however you want but those are just abstractions and not the actual underlying tangible processes -- you just, like, do it" Please clarify as this is vaguely interesting, but a bit heavy on the vague. Also, listen to "Human" by The Killers

>>77911 >because I know you're never gonna go to a fuarrrking therapist lol You're right about one thing, at least.

>>77916 I'm half asleep and seemingly wrote something that is msotly tangential to your post. >Are you saying this doesn't sound magical itself? It does, which was part of my point. A lot of people just exchange one type of magic (or abstraction) for another, but think otherwise, due to what they come clothed in. "Body language" is one such handwaving. All a person really needs to do is ask themselves, what distinguishes the wallflower who can't seem to escape others noticing and drawing them in, and the one who is truly invisible? The common thinking today is it's a constellation of subtle postural and behavioral aspects which cause a person to glaze over something. But that's really on the same level as trying to explain away the fact that when you look at someone, even at great distances, they'll generally turn around to make eye contact, by saying "oh you're really just looking up all the time, everyone is, you only notice and remember at these times." You press further, that doesn't make sense. So they have to double down and sink themselves deeper into their chosen "well you see, it's a grand illusion, because you actually have dopaminergic machinery that processes and stores memories out of order and can even manufacture false memories. It's apophenia, I'm sure if you did (blah blah) then statistically (blah blah)". This mindset cripples a person completely... as it is designed to. That's my point. >you just, like, do it Yep. Pretty much. Once you try it and it works, or open your mind to the idea and start seeing it in mundane daily life, you get passed the "if" stage. Most of the sensory "logical" and "linear" world is apparently built to prevent you from dipping into and accepting this sort of extrasensory basis. Something you just "do", and it works, and you may not understand or even like it but too bad, you accept that it's now on the table and you go from there. Kind of like... magnets, how do they work? It's amazing that we have all this magical tech that basically runs on minerals and gemstones with some metals conducting invisible "aetheric" forces, and yet you go too far and people are like "crystal rubbing newager!!" Or whatever other insult they can think of, it's like a reflex. I was thinking about tinfoil hat the other day and realized it's referring to Jupiter, king of the Gods, funny. What, does that make them lead? With a halo over their head, a ring, symbolizing base consciousness where all points are both the beginning and the end, something which is incapable of creating anything other than more of itself? There's almost a self deprecating aspect cleverly built in there. Either way they don't want to do this, they're afraid of leaving the herd. If you're not gonna do your own thing then you get what you get. So they convince themselves it's coincidence, or someone smarter than them will come up with the safe and approved truth of the matter, and then they wait for this. Likewise, outsiders wait for acceptance by society, or define themselves by their exclusion. Or in the negative. The identity because what they are not, do not have, cannot do, etc. Which is why I'm vaguely provocative, using trigger phrases like "telepathy". >Please clarify as this is vaguely interesting, but a bit heavy on the vague. There's too much to clarify. You cna check this out if you want, the type of tissue (of subcellular component) transduction, amplification, and even demodulation, is covered. It'll rapidly fill in, you'll get the gist of it. https://www.mediafire.com/folder/dj875cd10yb72/EMF

>>77911 >These problems are fairly trivial to fix, absent any unusual complications: Simply do the work required to become stronger and gain more authority and influence. Nta but could you explain? If the answer is "earn more money" no that's not trivial at all.

>>77973 Thank you for your in-depth and well thought out response. I appreciate it. >The first step for you i think is just trying to be honest with your therapist. Right now, I don't have a therapist. I almost went to my uni's counselor (not psychiatrist) but it required you to sign a form that said that the session could be video-taped; however, they said you could opt out of being video-taped. Still, I chickened out, worrying if signing that form could come back to haunt me even if I opted out of it later. I don't know if I should try to see my GP again or try to see my uni's psychiatrist since the GP does not specialize in that sort of medicine, or if I should see someone in my insurance network (the uni psychiatrist would be the cheapest.) I'm happy that you had those effects because I haven't felt real emotions in nearly half a decade. I'd love for daily activities to re-gain their spice, again. I remember how something simple as breeze in the air during the sunrise could feel amazing. I will keep what your final point in mind.

>>78013 blocking would be worse, grow a pair and explain yourself to her

I'm so overworked, overwhelmed, burnt out and tired. All I do is work, eat, and sleep. That's it. Today I got home from work and I slept until 10PM, now it's midnight and I'm going back to sleep because I have work at 6AM... I live with my family, but I don't think they'd miss me if I died. We don't run into each other often because all I do is work and sleep. I'm genuinely thinking of ending it. I don't want to live just to work, it's not worth it.

>looking for smug's /support/ board for webring stuffs >see /a/ on the way through >someone is (unwittingly) talking about how their lithium battery is going through thermal expansion OH NONONONO >make a post telling them it's a hazard and to not use the device until it's replaced <> >next morning >post is gone >vpn has a 1 day ban because the post didn't have proper spelling and grammar What the fuarrrk. I'm all for post quality but that's an actual physical emergency.

>>78025 Thanks for your feedback. I agree overall. Something about it hooks me, but prolonged use makes me extremely depressed. Anything that works on the cannabinoid system does, weed basically induces a state that's so far beyond kms I can't even get the body to move. Very rapid shift. I think it's because it deactivates dissociative machinery, which is what I rely on to live in multiple perspectives at once. Without this there is an accumulation of doubt, then recollection, then regret. I lose control of the mind basically, not to the extent that weed induces where I become an external watcher of the stream of my thoughts and am regressed to certain ages and just dumped and trapped there, but to a comparable degree. Pretty much I just wanted to work on some old projects, read some books, get some soykaf done. And kava facilitates this. Instead my mind basically imploded.... I feel myself under a level of psychic assault beyond all others. Down to the very core. It is unbearable. >>78083 >I want out of here so god damn badly. I'm locked out of the world. It's too late for me. Relateable, not that I really care that much. I see it as having been offered up as a sacrifice. I made a lot of choices where in retrospect I just don't understand. Odd that you posted this at the time where my mind was collapsing in a similar manner.

I feel terminally evil. I feel this way a lot sometimes, I think everyone does but maybe I feel it more than normal . This time the thought came to me because I was drawing and I could smell from myself this sterile sex smell. I used to do meth and just do horrible things to myself, and afterwards id be left with this odd smell that I cant describe. Im an incredibly shy person actually, no one would have known I was on meth or beat a meth addiction if I didnt feel obligated to tell (its been years now) . I cant lie to myself, I cant lie to others, im horrible at it. Likewise I cant tell myself or believe I was just a "different person" on drugs. I wasnt that was me, in fact I think if I felt I was some different person id crumble. I still do drugs every once a month or so, I dont go off the rails or anything. Im aware now of my insatiable appetite for things, and how nothing is ever enough. I never hurt enough and I never had enough pleasure. Ive learned to use my brain, but its hard. I have no inherent will to do anything except implode, but some part of me feels I owe others and myself something. But it always comes across as detatched because I dont feel it I just know it, I strongly know it. My partner never believes I love them as much as they love me, and truth be told I feel nothing towards them. But when I think about them, think of how much I know they just need someone in their corner, thinking of how I USED to just want someone in my corner, think of how much they have supported me, I cant leave. And I know say even if I did, id feel satisfied and free for a bit and then go back to just debasing myself, being as unsafisfied as I am now. I know for a fact they do so much to make me feel secure, but I cant feel it. I feel it when they are gone though, we have broken up before. I have to use my brain for everything, its so exhausting, nothing comes naturally. We have had convos about this and my trouble is they act as if we are just different people and its okay. But I used to love so strongly I would go crazy. I just made a decision that that wasnt real love. It isnt a difference of opinions this is what I must do to survive and be there for others. I remember everything anyone says about my character this is what I hear: You have some kind of darkness, you value comfort a lot, you value safety a lot, you make people feel comfortable, you take care of people, you are careful, you seem depressed, you are reliable, you are avoidant, you are distant, you are sad, and lastly always among the people I value the most they say a lot of things but its always in the vein of "you are evil", of "you are like some kind of creature". I never know what to say, I feel like inside of me in my thoughts I can think of the most unimaginable horrors and I can even see them as good or pleasing. I can fantasize about really horrifying things, stuff I dont even want to share. Stuff I dont think anyone would share. But when it gets down to it in moments I do whats right, unless im by myself. By myself I can do things I think some people couldnt even imagine, I have scars so big and thats not unheard of but I feel like the state I was in and how I viewed it was. I feel like when I even hint at how I really think about things everyone is horrified, but they never have anything comforting to say so I stopped I decided to think more with my brain. But some people can clearly still see my words betray my intuition, my actions betray my intuition. Some cant though, and what if the people who feel they see something are just cynical. But also what if they arent. When people give advice like be true to yourself or trust your intuitions its so funny to me, like it is guaranteed no one wants that from me they would eat their words. Or would they though, what if what I consider my intuition isnt what others do, what if my intuition is what guides me to water always and not this thing that begs for just awful things. I have no idea which is me. Am I betraying everyday what I want for what I think is right, or was I always gonna do whats right. Some would say everyone does this, I dont think so not from what ive seen. It seems like some think everything they do is right, are they just lying do they know some secret? Some of them seem so stupid, like so so stupid they cant even acknowledge when they hurt others despite what they see as good intentions. I dont know if I can believe they just understood some truth I didnt. Intentions dont matter to me at all. This probably all sounds really edgy but its very real for me. A lot of my friends have mental illness and yet still it seems like they would never think to do some of the things ive done. Or fantasize about the things i fantasize about. And normal people, forget it. How can I harbor all this horrific stuff in my brain, stuff that isnt just intrusive but is a safe place for me, and yet be good. Im doing it supposedly, but will it always be this tiring, am I just denying the fact that I am not meant to do good. I can always first think of a million ways to fuarrrk someone over, yet I choose to help. When someone scolds me for trying to do the right thing even though I thought of alternatives where I would gain something and they would not even know, I just accept and say your right. All the time I feel like I suffer for trying to do the right thing, everyone does of course, but for others it seems so "well what else could I do". It is not that way for me, not at all. I dont know, who really cares. Its not that I think im especially fuarrrked up, I think loads of people are fuarrrked up just like me. Im terrified of people because of this, because if no one taught me how to learn I would follow this path of fuarrrking people over and hurting myself and not even think I was doing anything wrong. But why is it that some people dont have this dilemna at all. I can tell myself all day as a cope some soykaf like "I laugh at weaklings who think themselves good because they have no claws". But what the fuarrrk, ive seen it, theres people whos mind would never go to the terrible places and solutions mine goes. And to be honest, there is no significant moral ground I gain by being aware im capable of atrocities. These sorts are also aware they can do wrong, but the level of atrocity is just way way less, and also to be honest ive never seen such a person commit some casual evil they were unaware of that was worse tha anything i commit consciously. Its a total cope and I know it to tell myself "heh, these people just arent aware of their darkest desires". They are, they absolutely are, they simply are not as evil intuitively. I know I never will "succumb to the darkness" so to speak. I have too much of my wits about me, I would never allow it. But it is exhausting, and I dont get why, I feel it shouldnt be, I SEE in others how it isnt. I see im missing something, everyones missing something. But it seems like whatever im missing is abnormal. A lot of people online are just isolated from a community due to judgement, but I have access to community. Im not judgemental, its just when I get deep into a conversation with somrone I can see how what comes to my mind is abhorrent. And im not confused as to why that is, I can see how it would be, I just dont know why its what comes to my mind. So theres a very select few people I feel truly comfortable around, and even these people will tell me "Hey, you are off the rails", they just understand its just my thoughts. I dont mind criticism or even harshness, I mind when someone cant even begin to understand why id think such a thing.

Everyone knows that bipolar and depressed people live in cycles, but I realized this is probably true for all mental illness. My symptoms oscillate randomly day-by-day. Many days I'm basically just an empty husk and that's how it is.

>>77415 I can't stay asleep for more than six hours. This is a bad omen.

I lack interest in this world. There's just nothing here for me. I would be equally "comfortable" in my present soykafty life or in a blank white room with a chair and sleeping pad. There is no activity in the world that I would be excited to try except maybe dueling with sharp swords. There's no fuarrrking novelty left. I drop video games when I have seen (not completed, just seen) 90+% of what the game has to offer because it just becomes too predictable, and I've long since hit that point with real life. I would love to feel alive, have real friends, feel meaning in life. I've tasted it once but it's gone now and it's been gone for almost a decade. Though I am still young my mind is too old. I have seen too much and lived too little. The child in me is dead.

>>78087 I see, that is quite different a definition indeed. Put this way, there is nothing disagreeable in your train of thought, I must say this is something that bothers me also. At some point I started thinking about those hierarchies and what has stood out to me is that somewhere those hierachies have to begin. If existing hierarchies bother you, and hierachies are really just shifting collections of people adhering to a certain value system, then maybe it's time to "start your own hierarchy". To me it seems like this is precisely what is meant by "being yourself" and perhaps you will link up with others who share your values. Hierachies are also strangely intertwined with others, it is basically impossible to not to be in multiple hierarchies at the same time, but we can still try and choose what and who to associate with. In any case, I'm quite like you in that I have started reading Stoic philosophy at some point and it's one of the better decisions of my life, hopefully it is for you too. It is a Stoic idea that acceptance is a necessary precursor to changing what is real with some effectiveness, but that idea is present in many other schools of thought also. Another idea is that if we change how we think, nothing can hurt us. I think continuing on this path will help you in the end, I hope you find peace.

>>78294 >>78310 fuarrrking same!!! what the hell >>78342 it's kind of like, since in the end i couldn't make sense of my life and my existence or purpose as a soul, and couldn't realize the deeper mission statement and role which as a person i was meant to play out onto the world, i retrieve back to myself the precious elements that make up my spirit of childhood and blow up in a final liberating explosive display, and hope if i find any higher meaning in it, it follows me in the afterlife so that maybe it makes it all mean something in the end. Transcendentally based, maybe.

>>78347 NTA but how exactly is "assrape" distinct from Amy other form of rape? >>78346 The most positive thing I can say is that this is a common thing in the world where you are told you are free to choose what you are. Not that it is worse than a solid cast system, just has some big drawbacks that hit people like a truck around 20-30 years of age. If you can be anything, you feel pressured to be everything and as a result resent the Idea of being anything. My solution was to fail every single expectation that was put on me by my parents and professors repeadeatly and then realise that the only real "punishment" (other than a lot of stress and guilt but you really can't escape those whatever you do) for it was realising that I was so miserable because I lived to satisfy other people's idea of what I was supposed to be. It seems it's shifting from parents and teachers to internet influencers but the idea is the same. For me it turned out that I actually wanted a lot of the things that were demanded of me but the demand created resentment. The joy of achievement was sucked out. It is precisely when that demand ceased that life became better. I got my diploma eventually a few years later when I was already working and I found a partner that understood me. I still work in the field while a lot of people I know who were like me but managed to finish the studies in one go fuarrrking hate the field and work in something else or really want to leave. Their resentment is palpable. I don't. I'm still a bit shaken if I have to revisit my past but overall I accepted it and don't resent it. Sorry if that is not really applicable to what you are facing, but I hope that helps someone.

>>78360 Notice how Jannie removed the post? Seethe and dilate, or just believe and repent.

I really hate Youtube, even with all the a bunch of extensions and open source applications to make it less soykafty. I think the biggest reason has to be the artificially manufactured videos, with the same exact clickbait sensationalist titles and thumbnails, to explain little next to nothing about the video. The increase of formulaic 'originality' of the videos themselves is already irritating as it is, but having every title of a video be like 'THIS (something) will make you (some feeling)', or 'WHY (something) is (something [usually MASTERPIECE])!', or 'The rise and fall of (something)'....etc. etc. is just so inorganic, I feel like every video is nothing different than some tabloid. I understand people are just trying to stick with the algorithm formula and make some money, but it's so disheartening to me that people feel the need to sacrifice their creativity just for profit. It's like your stuff isn't really yours, you have to cater to the whims of a large corporate platform and it's desensitized user base in order to be seen. I could go on and on with this soykaf, but with A.I coming into the mix I'll just have to accept that this world is totally inorganically manufactured at this point and there will be no turning back lest their be some sort of societal collapse or revolution.

>>78403 It feels like cable TV. I wish there was a good way to advertise decent, small channels. Maybe we should have a thread somewhere on here for it

>>78017 Still consuming kava. The timestamps on my prior posts are helpful. I would say at this point I've basically shattered the mind. I feel myself under a level of psychic attack and disruption like never before. Or maybe it's as I suspected before, kava deactivates dissociative machinery, so I'm experiencing what was there all along. I have spiraled into a sort of apathy and depression, I try to create thoughts and inner motion and they are scrambled and dissolve almost immediately. I feel dissolved and as though I am being made permeable, saturated, dissolved drained and devoured by "the world". Something is very wrong. I am supposed to realize or reconcile something, or put things to the test to ensure spirit can conquer and override matter and the psychophysical. I don't know what to do. I am tired of the world reacting to me, trying to poison whatever I'm doing. I am tired of never knowing what to do. Everything is right in front of me and goddamn it I can never quite see it.

>>78559 I had to force through it. I stopped for a day or two, then last night finished off what remained of it. It was extremely destructive but I suspect necessary.

There's this one friend I've pretty regularly butted heads with on things. Though the most drawn out arguments are on whether I'm capable of doing something or not. I'm not going to bash them for telling me I'm incapable of doing some stuff, because they're so confident in sticking to it that I'm sure me attempting any if it would result in me learning the hard way. So I thought about why we both clash heads on what I can do so often and I came to the conclusion that I have an "idealistic" outlook for what I think I want while they have a "realistic" outlook. Any argument I could pose in those situations would be an appeal my emotions or wants rather than their practical, logical outlook. Though the thing is with their "realistic" outlook I always end up caving eventually. Because they're just so confident and aggressive in their position that I can't possibly imagine them being wrong. With that said though, if every single ideal of what I'd want can just be overpowered by a logical position, then what am I really living for? Sure if college goes well I can maybe end up with a pretty nice job. But outside of that any aspirations I have, anything I could be passionate about, all of it has the potential to just be checked by the reality that I can only do so much. Meaning that outside of my friends' limited time all I could end up living for is whatever I get in my bank account and whatever is left in my fridge. To be clear I'm not putting any blame on my friend for my current position. I'm sure that in their shoes I'd also have a purely practical outlook on life. Though in a life where I can second guess myself until deciding I can't really aspire to anything, I don't have anything to achieve either. So do I just go to work and keep up with whatever friends I have until I face the black maw of death leaving behind nothing? Is that all life really has to offer?

>>78665 How so? They are just transitioning to the culture that is more adapted to our technocentric environment. They seem to be pretty satisfied with their culture. If I had to describe my understanding of it (I was born in 1998 so I guess I'm part of it) is that it's primarily based on processing an absurd amount of information and then trying to make something out of this sea of noise. Remixes, sampling, chaotic editing, YTP style of presentation and so on is just the results of this trend. There is also this thing that cultural icons of a generation are usually made by the outstanding members of the previous generation.

>>78669 I fear engaging on this, since it seems to be a foundational part of your internal mythology, but I don't believe in the intentionality of it. If it is intentional, why not keep lead in gasoline, re-educate all on the healthful properties of lead? If anything, it's a product of simple negligence, made possible by the fact that most people are not shifted in categorical ways by these offenses.

>>78689 Because you think too simply and are deeply programmed. You're a coincidence theorist, your entire mental model of who and where you are is built on this. You need to feel safe amidst other people and your environment. Nothing more to be said.

>>78690 Yeah, there you go. I can't engage with you on this. So be it.

>>78692 It's a structural problem. I would have to start at the foundation and I wouldn't get anything out of it.

>>78693 From where I'm sitting, I could just as well talk about your need to cut yourself out of the environment of your peers, to feel vindicated in the end for the harms you've experienced, and through all of this have a suitable reason, some belief in a higher truth that puts you above the rest. Deconstruction doesn't get you anything.

>>78694 I'm already aware of your perspective and all which can stem from it.

I sometimes wonder what it's like to have friends

>>78665 >>78673 Could it be that we feel like their trend is "boring" because they are reliving the same topics we faced and we can only respond with "Well. Been there, done that. Get with the times, new user."? I'm personally interested in what piece of media is going to stick and persist through out time from this age of information. There's so much... How much is going to be filtered out? How will they be filtered out?

>>78815 >You're not in control of anything and your actions are nearly irrelevant to the outcomes you experience. Oh, I'm aware. I've stepped grasping for that illusion of control like 5 years ago when it led to massive burnout and some serious consequences for my health, education and relationships. My heart wouldn't be able to take the amount of stress required to maintain this illusion. Think whatever you want, but my intentions were at worst morbidly curious. I've met my share of people with some out there views (some were legitimately unwell) IRL and on the net, so it's my way of interaction. The thing I seek is knowledge and there's always a chance that anyone can share something interesting. For example, One guy was pedaling some wacky theory about genetics being a hoax posting some sources so I investigated and learned about some legitimately interesting researcher who was just very stubborn in his theories he made in the 50s >You don't need to know and you also don't need to live in a single logically complete reality at any given point. >you should always make it clear when you're another poster Interesting how you are so protective of your own agency but not so much when it comes to others. I can decide what I want to know myself. Even just for fun. Or are you implying that there is knowledge that is detrimental to me and I'm better off not knowing? >history can be nonlinear Please go into it more, I'm not sure which version of this concept you are referring to. >If you dig into the history they didn't wipe from existence a lot of it looks algorithmically generated, or at least quasi-dramatized. Maybe because people wrote history at a specific time and place and for specific audience so they used storytelling techniques? Historians are very much aware of this and try to take it into account. >So they created the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1933 and started destroying the food supply as a sort of Moloch (economy God) sacrifice. That sure is a take. The general interpretation is that they wanted to limit the supply to stabilise the prices as I understand it. Also what does Holodomor has to do with it? The Ukrainian grain was primarily sold to the UK during that time. >This is the simplicity of thought I was describing earlier. That's your assumption. I've asked you to elaborate, that meant that It was implied that it's not a binary subject and it has a lot nuance.

>>78824 I think I might have some idea of what you're talking about w.r.t. memory... Generally I think of these "macrostates" though not as psychological modes but one dictated by energy metabolism. e.g., excessive wordiness is promoted by serotonin, dopamine influences color perception. I've found that as I get "happier" and more productive, the noise of my brain is decreased, I get terser. In particular, when I was in a more serotoninergic state I developed some memories that I could fixate on, but nowadays, I feel a kind of partition between that period of my self and the current one. It's kind of pleasant in that it helps to promote (or is itself) a future-orientation. Which is just more fun. Your writing on divergent thinking, I mean, that sort of thing is all well and good inside the individual. But when communicating to others axioms of base truth should be maintained. I've found that in doing technical work it's extremely important to always believe in Matter, that it's never your perception or "magic" that makes things work or fail, (nondeterministic bugs), there's always a reason which exists outside of You that you ideally end up finding. While developing that theory you spread out, but staying spread out so is impotence, and it's more impotent the longer you stay that way and the more public the announcement is. People have wrote on the idle divergent mind as a means to solve scientific/mathematical problems e.g., poincare, archimedes. But the result has to be integrated into reality afterwards. I'm reminded here of The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes. You may like reading that one. >>78825 >it isn't so I really do think it isn't. I've developed a bit of dissociative thinking about Linux program/process divide as a result of some research work I did in a period of very high stress-crunch (like working 72 hours straight taking 3 hour naps)... and I hate that I still have it, it gets in the way of everything. I'm bound to do insane stuff like log into a research system and run (which ls) to make sure it's what I expect. And then do it a few more times for good measure. My older OCD tendencies rearing their head when the energetic environment in the middle of the workday is poor. Have you ever consumed the art of William Blake?

This year may be my last year on Earth. Once the time comes, I hope to employ a method of suicide that is quick, painless and efficient. Maybe then, I can be free. No more pain, no more lies, no more anger. Just an escape into nothingness. Can't wait, to be honest.

>>78859 Been there. I wrote that I wouldn't live to 30 into the script, but then I moved it to 33 instead. I gradually stopped caring, probably my higher self made it 30 originally because it knew that something fundamentally changes within you around this time and it didn't want to be ensnared and sunk even deeper into the matrix, forced to live on. Nonetheless some part of me got used to it. My advice is to go and watch the eclipse if you're in the US. I don't know why, but it seems important. It shall be your death and rebirth. I recently realized the star in the sky I'd been watching and feeling like it was seeing me seeing it (connected to me somehow) for all these years, is Sirius. I have always felt I had a real(er) body or basis "somewhere" else, and that something terrible was happening to it. I had to leave this illusion and wake up. Just try that. You're in a dream world. Ignore the need to kys your self self, and simply try to wake up. Become lucid.

I feel like I'm so horrendously lonely I could kill myself. I know they say you have to learn to be happy with your own company, but I've been alone for my whole life while accepting it. Now, I want something different. I wish I didn't have to be around people at college. They're always in groups, laughing amongst themselves, and it's a painful reminder of the loneliness I experience. Why do normal users say soykaf like this but yet lose their minds if they can't see their friends for four days? I've made friends, but it always seems like they ghost me. I know I'm the problem, but I never know what I'm doing wrong, and they won't tell me what I've done. I can't seem to make a friendship that lasts for over a year, and it kills me inside. I just want some sort of deep connection, but I don't know if I'll ever have that. It's never good to be desperate, but I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm being deprived of air. I know they say to practice self-love, which I have been doing. Yet, I worry it comes off as narcissistic. Although I am desperate, I won't make poor choices as a result of desperation, and I won't surround myself with the wrong people. Those who I have managed to befriend for even a short time probably laugh at my expense - they watch me like a lost puppy and laugh to themselves. They know they have enough value in the eyes of others to have a friend group, while they see me as a subhuman. I feel an odd light feeling that I can't describe, and I feel like I might be experiencing the final push I need to be able to let go - to yield myself to the flow of time - to let the sweet angels gently pull me into the bright heavens above - seeing their soft assuring smiles, knowing that everything is going to be okay, that all of my worries are no more, and that it is all over.

>>78463 >>78653 Hi, I'm the anon from >>78025 and I must say, your experience really resembles mine, I'm taken aback. Towards the end of my intense kava month all I wanted is to use it up as fast as possible and be done with it. It's so relatable it's almost unreal. But in my view, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, it's not like kava will have left some kind of scar or irreversible damage. In my case there was some lethargy during and after the kava consumption, but as soon as life started accelerating again I got busy and swept up in the course of life. Just focus on the things you know yourself you need to do, make sure they are related to what you actually want to do and the path should open right before you. I struggle often with a weird kind of helplessness, where I know roughly what I could be doing, where I could be if I did it, but ending up not doing it, procrastinating so obviously that I know exactly what is happening. Maybe it seems to hard, too bothersome, there is seemingly infinite complexity. But at a certain point I always stop for a moment and suddenly see a clear path, with steps so simple I chide myself how I couldn't get myself to do it earlier. Also, when I turned back to kava it was out of desperation because life has gotten so unbelievably stressful. It's important to recognize that and find an outlet when that happens and for the next time, maybe it shouldn't be kava.

>>78887 The bread you feed the duckies and the bread you make your sandwiches with are exactly the same thing. Nature in the sense of the entire physical universe that physicists study and nature in the sense of the biosphere that hippies like are not the same thing. If you were a little smarter, you'd get that distinction.

>>78891 Do you mean to intend that only he is receiving benefits, his friends are receiving benefits, or both parties are benefiting from such a transaction? >His chief flaw is being a chronic liar and bullshitter the other half of the time. Behaviors like that make me sick. How overly naive of me.

>>78932 i don't know how helpful it would be to get a therapist in russia right now, probably dangerous. but i don't even trust my own western nation employed therapists for that matter. that's your choice. what do you think about the ISIS rivendication of the killings? i don't know if it's your intention to either get away from the soykafshow or avoid some future draft, but i'll leave this book here. it's useful nevertheless. especially the part about passports.

>>78932 You can't change the world, people will do what they do. The best you can do is appreciate their meaningful gestures, even if they aren't something you can or would reciprocate. Don't be upset about it. I don't want to sound cold, but people die and there isn't much to do about it. One can only hope that they lived good lives. Communities share trauma and overcome it together. Maybe talk to your family and ask them about a happy time with your grandma. If you show interest in your family, you can connect without actually saying much about yourself. I hope your birthday is nice. Maybe put extra effort into your meal today and take the time to appreciate another year on this earth and think of the positive things that happened in your life over the last year.

>>78989 Lainon, you sound like someone who's personality is just Nietzsche quotes and decent marks in science class. Go read a book or something. Better yet, have some connection with other people. The dude you're responding to just went through some tough soykaf and so has developed some nasty coping strategies that make living a normal life difficult. If you're reading this, just spend more time with your friends, hopefully their more relaxed ways of living will rub off on you and you'll go from evil misanthrope to mentally ill and depressed like most of us.

All that matters is how you feel. When you are feeling ok, all of these questions about meaning, truth, good, bad, right, wrong, best, worst, normal, abnormal... dissolve into nothing. Every person that doesn't feel good has to find the way to feel good that works for him/herself, and it's different for everyone. Others can suggest things like ideological studies, lifestyle changes, attitude changes, therapy, faiths, and so on. The thing that works for me is being on guard against negative thinking and expelling it if it pops up, unless it's something I absolutely have to deal with. Then I deal with it and it's done. But there's absolutely no good reason to dwell on negative things that I can't do anything about. So I simply don't allow them to waste my time and energy and make me feel bad. For you it might be something entirely different that works. I wish you luck in finding it.

AAAAAAAA jammit jammit jammit WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT jammit jammit jammit jammit AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I am angry

>>77415 Eh, I feel kinda fine. Just here hangin' around to chill and catch my breath for a second. Only about 2 more months and I've completed my challenge to stay sober for a whole year. Also, recently restricted my internet access to about a mere two hours per day in order to stop wasting time, which has taken a little bit of readjusting. Mainly working towards wrapping up my master's, which is exhausting. All I need to do is keep pushing it. Also working on something to surprise my brother, since it was his birthday just recently (I'm a bit late for it, but I'm hoping that finishing the gift will be worth the delay in his eyes and that he won't mind it that badly). Hopefully you guys are doing great as well.

>>79043 > Only about 2 more months and I've completed my challenge to stay sober for a whole year. That will be one hell of an achievement. Nothing but respect here, Lainon.

>>79044 As you might understand I don't want to get ahead of myself with the celebrations just yet, since there's still quite a lot of way to go until I get to the finishing line, but I do appreciate the compliment. Thanks, lainon. Anyway, I got inspired by a dear friend of mine who first did the challenge several years ago. I remember how when I asked him whether or not he had a problem with alcohol or did do a "reborn-a-christian" thing and he responded by saying that "No, I hate when people first assume that. No, I'm doing this just to know how it feels like to be sober for a year". The purity, authenticity and sheer iron will of his really made an impression on me and it has stuck with me even to this day. Back then I gave the challenge a try back then as well. Lmao, on first try I couldn't even make it through a month. Maybe a year after that I tried again, and I still failed spectacularly: didn't last more than 3 months. But during this past year I've been going through major changes in my life, so it felt fitting to try to give the challenge one last time even if it's been probably 5 years since I last tried it. All in all, it just goes to show the power of your surroundings and the habits that come with them, and how simply by removing yourself from your current surroundings you can effect a dramatic change.

>>79032 Terminally all right is a good way of putting it. Hope you get some good sleep in at some point. >>79030 Don't fret, lainon. I understand what you mean and specifically changed the language of the post from "You ARE just Nietzsche quotes" to "You Sound like you are just Nietzsche quotes". I'll state as direct as possible that I meant no malice or contempt. Unfortunately/Fortunately there are others like that and more and more as the time goes on. Maybe if you state it clearly you can meet similar people who hide it better. Needless to say, the fact that we are in this thread means that we are going through some soykaf ourselves.

Q: What's depression like? Depression feels like nothing is enough. You have this constant, enormous void in your heart, and all you do is look for ways to fill it. About 80%+ of the time, trying to fill it backfires and will only make you feel worse. But you have to try and fill it, because otherwise you'll spend life with a void in your heart and be empty. You still have a personality, interests, passions, dreams -- but this void is like a fist strangling you, squeezing out your life force, and so you're too weak to actually pursue anything. The idea depressed people are great artists is a lie. Someone who is depressed cannot make art; if he does make art, it will be terrible. The great art comes from people who were depressed and escaped it. Some people never escape. When you have that void, there's just nothing you can do.

>>79265 i had been a net cryptid like this for a while, stylometric fear and even predicting side channel attacks existed before they were published by academics. in my particular case, the fear was rooted in being afraid that people would be able to find the awful things i had done on the internet as a stupid kid. you had enough of the epiphany that you are still human and want a way to express yourself to other people. i recommend trying your hand at poetry, it's a soulful activity. also, it helped when i felt like i didn't want to fight my computer for the purposes of security anymore. i still encrypt my drives but now i focus on having fun with computers. still dealing with some of the sense of alienation, but it's not impenetrable. 'normal people' aren't the devil, but they aren't gonna use XMPP or IRC. an old landline phone is a good enough bridge.

>>79292 yes I used to come and vent out every little frustration I had. I got over it, it wasn't easy because I felt compelled to come and vent, but I started to see the pointlessness and made an effort not to do it, and so I haven't. Now coming to vent here feels like a waste of my time and energy, but sometimes I come and write, not to vent, but to let out a stream of consciousness. Actually, I go to the soc thread in zzz instead. But I don't want to make it a habit either.

just wait till i crawl back. crawling back, you know. i always do that thing. every time. there is no salvation for me

>>79336 Why beat yourself for something that's in your nature?

>79345 I get that you're tired, I am too, but why focus on political issues? I'm sure it's not just that. I think it is narcissistic of you to assume you're morally superior to everyone. Remember that you were never given the chance to choose if you wanted be part of the society you live in, just how you were never given the choice if you wanted to pay taxes or not. You can put yourself out of the society if you want to. You can be free. I'm not telling you to die. It seems pretty boring to just die so I wouldn't recommend but you're free to do so if that's what you wish. I also wish to know which country you live in.

>>79345 Most of the things you describe are passive activities. If you stop participating in them or check up on them once a week tops they will continue as they did without interruption. There are many ways to live and you tried maybe like 2 or 3. I'm not saying you should stop browsing imageboards or social media specifically, just do something different. Maybe your studies or career are draining you too much and it's time to look for alternatives. Maybe your relationships are steering you too much to negativity and it's time to re-evaluate them. Maybe try to make this suicide a long term goal you have to think about. Some say heavy smoking or drinking is a socially acceptable way of suicide. Maybe try that and see how it feels. If you want your suicide attempt to be a statement or something, then try to make that statement some other way. Become delinquent, go do some crazy soykaf or something. Believe me, death will always be there waiting for you. >>79349 You are probably young, early 20s. Correct me if I'm wrong. It's ok to feel this way at there age, it's the same as puberty, maybe less biological and more social in nature, but almost everyone goes through this judging by the circumstantial evidence. The best thing is to realise that you have to live your life for yourself and to do that you need to love and accept yourself unconditionally, like you would love a close family member. Doesn't mean you shouldn't be critical, but never give up on yourself like you wouldn't give up on a young child or an elderly parent. It's what personal growth is for. Not to impress others or even to match up to your constructed ideal self in your head. Doesn't nullify your achievements, you did them yourself and you deserve to celebrate. When was the last time you treated yourself to something good because you achieved your goal? Try that, it's surprisingly nice. Unless you love and relate to yourself you can't love and relate to others. Work on that. I hope you both find some bright spots in your life soon, lainons. PS image related

>>79352 pause and figure out what causes you to suffer, exactly. gonna take a year or two. but when you do, maybe you'll improve. it's not like you have anything better to do than examining yourself. might also just quit.

>>79357 What on earth do you think I've been doing? My life is just hopeless

do you relate to anyone in the wired?

>>79451 Somewhat often, but only superficially. Otherwise not very often, but occasionally. It's easy to identify people who have a similar underlying architecture, not just a subset of their output being similar. I'm assuming you're asking everyone and not the prior poster.

>>79452 >not just a subset of their output being similar. i've been mistaking this for being relatable for years and now i'm kinda 'what the fuarrrk has it been a scam all along??' >I'm assuming you're asking everyone and not the prior poster. yes

>>79453 >i've been mistaking this for being relatable for years and now i'm kinda 'what the fuarrrk has it been a scam all along??' Yeah, it's tempting to force it. And try to interface or connect through selective inner blindness, making more of things than they are and ignoring a more holistic sense of the whole. To be fair to yourself though, people have become so... fuarrrked up, that it isn't as though your environment isn't encouraging and even demanding that you do this. It starts in early childhood. This conditioning to see without seeing, know without knowing, and do without truly realizing. This is why people see what they want to see, ignore abuse of self and others, etc. Kind of an irrelevant tangent there but that's what comes to mind. Everyone is becoming like this because people are becoming more triggered and reactive, and more polarized, atomized, on all these pseudo-issues. So if someone still wants to interact then doing this prevents feeling alone, conflict, whatever.

>>79455 how then do you detect similar people? do you have any guidance for me? every time i see somebody who seems relatable it's actually an essentially different person and the only reason why i labeled the person as relatable is because i snapped and went head down into bewailing myself. as you can imagine the end result is worse than bad, so i am kind of seeking for tips to avoid this pitfall.

i want to die again... i don't care about living

I don't feel ready to confront my issues beyond a slow pace yet, therapist or not. but the faster i run the faster they consume me. this tech soykaf is stupid hahaha.

I'm tired of the everlasting loneliness. As a girl, I've never had a female friend who would understand me and with whom I'd share my interests, if anything it would always be males that are into those things, and you know how this goes, they mostly either talk to me just because they want to be with me or they belittle and insult me from the start based on my gender. There's no way I could join a male friend group as a girl, I'm seen as uncool or some kind of a threat. I also can't join any female friend group because I'm too weird and off putting for most of them, they never quite liked me and I never quite liked them. I literally have no one to hang out with, at least irl, because online I can just pretend being a dude which I did most of the time. But it's tiring. I'm tired. I just want a real friend.

been having health related anxiety fears for a few weeks straight now, several incidents back to back, usually i can control it, doesnt help that i am probably ocd so i construct elaborate scenarios for diseases to occur in me. i can never really make my fear completely go away until after the time a hypothetical disease i would be infected with could occur or worsen, or until i'm too tired to care anymore, obviously i focus on this stuff in order to distract myself from my soykafty life

>>79518 I'm a girl and not trans either, but I often find that people exaggerate the "never had any friends". Here I will be specific to my case: ◦ ages 6: 1 female friend ◦ ages 6-16: no friends ◦ ages 16-17: 1 IRL female friend, 1 online friend ◦ ages 17-22(now): no friends By friend I mean someone I've hung out at least 3 times during 1 year. I don't know how other people define friend. I never cared and I still don't, partly because I'm autistic, partly because I developed a schizoid disorder. For a very brief period I was a bit upset because I viewed making friends as a task that people around me expected. I wanted people to think I had friends, but, I don't want them myself. Maybe ask yourself if that's the case with you too. Sometimes we get hyped up for things we don't even want just because we see that others have them. I get a bit annoyed when I hear people complain about loneliness because I literally used to think that all you have to do to fix that is turn on the TV and you will see human faces. The friend I listed from 16-17 I made because I tried my best to mask and cosplay totally normal human being. I couldn't keep the friendship because she noticed I was quite literally being fake with her, and I don't blame her. Some time during my teenage years I realized that it can't be everyone else that is the problem when I'm the common denominator. But I'm fine with that, and I'm at complete serenity. Friendships require social aptitude, some level of shared experiences and interests, vulnerability, trust, time and maintenance. All of which I lack or can't display. As to female vs male dichotomy, I couldn't befriend other girls but guys were completely out the picture. I find them somewhat foreign and unrelatable, like the girls but in a different way. Most of them also scare me and I can't be friends when I fear for my life. Online, I avoid making posts like this especially on imageboards because to them it's "tits or gtfo". Guess I'm gonna gtfo then. Lainchan for now is a safe haven and keeps things civilized so I'm inclined to make an exception, I hope it lasts but good things rarely ever do. I don't use any other social media and people IRL find that odd so it's just one more thing that I've added to the list of oddities. I read a book "How To Be Alone Forever". I found it here on LC many years ago but I only got to read it yesterday. Anon there talks about how people recommend him to "Just Be Yourself". It truly is the most ridiculous advice ever because I've tried being myself, and I've tried being other people but I wasn't very good at it and they could tell. The truth is, you have to choose between being accepted and being yourself, that is if you can fake being someone else. I couldn't and that's fine, so experiment's over. I may seem like a misanthrope, but I'm nothing of the sort. Making a post once in a while on lainchan is more than enough socialization for me.

It's kinda relieving to know that there actually are social disaster dorks that are also girls, it's endearing also and less intimidating. My advice is that you can consider social skills as just that, a skill. You're looking to be talented already when instead you should be treating it as something that you train and develop. I wasn't good at welding either when i started, and that's why i worked it every day, so that i could improve. And now i can weld. Social skills tend to be the same, even if you're so weird you're an alien or have trauma issues, practice tends to improve things. I don't know if you resent being anormal but i advise you to be proud of it, even with all the issues that it may have brought you, you could also be a normal person clone but that would be boring as fuarrrk.

>>79539 There's no such thing as "social skills". What determines how people react to you and how well you build social relationships is how you present yourself and how well you can craft a favorable persona that people are willing to believe. What's the secret to conversation? Being interested in the same braindead things as everyone else. What's the secret to people liking you? Presenting yourself as someone that they deem worth liking, which means following the same braindead fashion and trends as they do, having high status, money, looks and other bullshit. If you're socially unsuccessful, chances are you are simply not willing to play the game of pretend that everyone else has been playing since birth and your real self happens to be insufficient, you are too introverted, too geeky, too uncool - so is everyone else, but they put effort into convincing others into believing differently and they manage to pull it off at the expense of having to wear a mask 24/7.

Something I've realized about "Western culture" is that it's a vacuum. When you look at other races, they all have a basic reason to live, like Africans are obsessed with spirituality, Asians live for the community, Middle easterners love money and power. But whites just kind of exist. We have political & artistic movements every decade, but that movement only exists to fill a void, and it only works temporarily. We have nothing deep down to live for. This is why politics is so big right now. If you just took away politics... what would we do? What would people live for? Americans are obsessed with politics because we dont really have anything else to care about. I feel the truth is, Western society is a "great man factory". Our entire society is unknowingly based on "Great Man Theory", this idea that one genius can have more impact on the world than 100000s of men, and so the whole of society must be reshaped into a conduit for this theoretical great man's success. It is the belief that guys like Alexander and Napoleon are invaluable for progress, and so all our institutions are basically designed (whether we know it or not) to reward potential Napoleons and give them a ladder to success. This is why Elon Musk and Zuckerberg could do what they did. Venture capital flows freely in Silicon Valley because they're trying to find the next great man, this theory from the ancient world is more alive than ever. How does this relate to you? Well, this is why being an average person in a western country feels so empty. If you were African, you'd have spirituality. If you were Asian, you'd have community. Etc. Your whole civilization is simply a ladder to promote great people to the top. If you hate that, you can always jump ship & move to Asia. But if you plan to stay here, it's wise to keep this in mind.

>>79557 >Our entire society is unknowingly based on "Great Man Theory", this idea that one genius can have more impact on the world than 100000s of men, and so the whole of society must be reshaped into a conduit for this theoretical great man's success I think it's exactly the opposite. Society is reshaped to fit the cash narrative and it's not that deep. Elon is not a genius nor great, he is a corporation and so are the other techies. Geniuses are rare and a lot of them don't end up making an impact on the world because of how said world it set up. >We have political & artistic movements every decade, but that movement only exists to fill a void, and it only works temporarily. We have nothing deep down to live for Science, technology, literature, music, art etc. isn't such a bad way to "fill a void" in my opinion. Progress like that doesn't come from being in peace and contentment. It comes from desire, non-satisfaction and unrest. However lately there's been a shortage of that as well. >If you were African, you'd have spirituality. If you were Asian, you'd have community What makes you think any of these things are worthier? What you make up in one part of your life, you will lose in another. Many Africans don't have basic needs met. Asians despite having potential, have a profound loss of individuality on the account of community. Middle easterners are constantly at war. Wherever you come from, you won't have the satisfaction you seek. >Your whole civilization is simply a ladder to promote great people to the top If only. I haven't seen much great people, usually because those at the top are peak Nietzschean psychos that stomp on everything good and creative. And this is true for every part of the world, not just western society.

>>79528 Cybersecurity, internet frauds, linux administration, hacking, writing malware, old web, social engineering, literature (classics), art, how ai impacts humanity and internet lately, jigsaw puzzles. >you just always play a role instead which gets tiresome. Yes. >>79537 >people exaggerate the "never had any friends" Well, I truly never had a female friend that would understand me and share interests with me, or a male friend with pure intentions like I said, but overall I knew some people throughout my life. The problem is they annoyed me for longer periods of time, only knew me very superficially, and/or I rarely kept in touch with them, mostly because of school or games. After elementary school I hardly ever went outside with anyone. For me this is not what friendship really is. This is bullshit. With them or without them I still felt lonely. >I wanted people to think I had friends, but, I don't want them myself. Maybe ask yourself if that's the case with you too. I don't think so. If anything, the opposite. It's easier to say "I just don't want friends" than "most people bore me, don't understand me, don't really like me etc." and proceed to hear an essay about going to therapist and "just getting out there" or "being a snowflake" for not wanting to act like everyone else and participate in common every day popular things. >guys were completely out the picture. I find them somewhat foreign and unrelatable, like the girls but in a different way. Most of them also scare me and I can't be friends when I fear for my life. Yes, after some time spent with males I'm also kind of scared of them. The anger, the complete degeneracy they sometimes represent... and you wouldn't ever know from the surface. Truly a horror. But I know there are some normal ones. >The truth is, you have to choose between being accepted and being yourself, that is if you can fake being someone else. I thought about this very frequently. Depressing. But I still cling to the hope that somewhere out there has to be a person like me. This or loneliness for the rest of my life. >>79539 >I don't know if you resent being anormal That's the point, I don't. So I don't want to practice or train any social skills, I just want to be friends with people like me, but they're hard to find.

>>79556 Only in an unhealthy degenerating society do people do this. Outside of that all relationships are based on real values and there is sanity rhyme and reason in life. Modernity has failed us, we have to go back, we have to go back.

>>79562 become the return >>79556 you are wrong but big whatever on trying to convince you

>>79537 > I wanted people to think I had friends, but, I don't want them myself. Good! There is no reason why you should fit into this social norm. I think that as long as you have found sufficiently fulfilling things to engage yourself and help you keep moving forward in your life, then you should not feel obligated to fit into this mould that happens to be overrepresented by these outgoing people. According to your definition I have one friend, but I also feel completely content pursuing my goals by myself. I feel calm and peaceful and in control. I view going out to the park to see human faces and breathe fresh air as part of the maintenance of the machine that is my body and mind (similar to exercise). >>79561 > But I still cling to the hope that somewhere out there has to be a person like me. There surely are such people. Another strong conviction of mine is that all people are different. Are you being yourself in the posts you make here? Do you think other people are also being genuine? People who are like minded to us are surely not as common as the type of person I described before, but can you imagine not being able to relate to any one of the 8 billion people on this planet? I can't. I met with some people from this website in meatspace some time ago and I really liked the interaction. If you have a particular worldview and disposition then it makes sense that you have to work harder than most to find a clique. However, expect it to be rewarding if you truly are not pretending to be someone you're not. I have on my radar a number of meatspace events where I hope to find and have a meaningful interaction with hacker types: https://events.ccc.de/ (mostly in Germany, but there are listings for other countries. Look out for Chaos Communication Congress which takes place in late December every year.) https://www.emfcamp.org/ (UK)

>>79566 the posts are contradictory, one speaks of complete serenity, and now of loneliness, this person is probably not as okay with being alone as they seem.

>>79562 It's not a modernity thing, we have always been this way. From a Jungian perspective, a persona is a vital part of the personality and most people do not even consciously think about it, they simply adopt whatever values and beliefs are around them and maximize their own fitness to the group. Authenticity is a luxury of solitude and putting on a mask is the price of success in the social world, only fools believe otherwise. It might be difficult to imagine, but the majority of humans have no problem with simply becoming whatever they need to become and present themselves according to the social group's ideals. Like I said, there is no such thing as "social skills". The way you act matters very little compared to who you are and how you present yourself. If you think differently, feel free to describe the actual "skills" in question and what exactly one "practices" and "gets better at". >>79564 You're just not very observant, but big whatever on trying to convince you.

>>79567 I think... ... this is one person ... >>79518 >>79561 ... and this is another person. >>79537

>>79567 I only wrote one post, the >>79537 as a reply to the other user and now this one. >>79571 Yes. >>79556 Thank you for the advice and I'm glad it's working out for you. I've learned how to smalltalk.exe to some extent. (PSA: people don't really like to talk about the weather, yet they for some reason list this as small talk topic). I've seen that it's enough for shallow "acquaintance" type of relationships. >>79561 Well, good luck then. I really don't have an advice to give you. Just maybe don't do what I did, don't forsake yourself in the hopes you'll be accepted. Don't try to be someone else. Maybe you'll find someone, maybe not, but at least you will have yourself. Living true to yourself is very important so don't lose that. Like I said previously, I am fine with my "situation". I know I won't change and I know other people won't either so we're at a stalemate. >only knew me very superficially, and/or I rarely kept in touch with them Everyone I've ever known has only known me superficially. I've tried opening up but that's a terrible idea and I don't know why people recommend it, especially nowadays. It always felt like pouring water in a bottomless well and I deeply regret and cringe at the few times I did so. Yikes. >>79566 >According to your definition I have one friend, but I also feel completely content pursuing my goals by myself. I feel calm and peaceful and in control. I view going out to the park to see human faces and breathe fresh air as part of the maintenance of the machine that is my body and mind (similar to exercise). Yes that's what I was talking about. Once I realized that, I felt like myself again. I struggled a lot with unwritten rules so I literally thought I was being irresponsible by not having friends lol. All good now.

>I'm at complete serenity I did not feel like getting into this particular discussion, but whoever is at serenity does not brag, so 99% you just delude yourself into thinking you're at any serenity at all.

>>79574 I'm assuming that they meant losing hope completely: > But I'm fine with that, and I'm at complete serenity. Friendships require social aptitude, some level of shared experiences and interests, vulnerability, trust, time and maintenance. All of which I lack or can't display. (emphasis on the last sentence) Unrelated to the above and more on the topic of connecting with people, I have found very liberating the idea of reducing other people's influence on yourself/not caring what they think of you. The realisation that what others say/think really doesn't matter has made it somewhat easier for me to share a little bit of me with other people. I'm not sure what I have to contribute on top of the material I have watched/read, so I will just link resources which have helped me come to this conclusion: https://old.reddit.com/r/StayingInPodcast/comments/14zw4ic/i_drew_this_image_for_the_podcast_is_it_helpful/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9AHCymAbyg Stoicism resources (same main idea of reducing the influence of externals on our life) https://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html https://academic.oup.com/book/380 https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Seneca_the_Younger Another idea that has helped me to somehow live in a more free/liberated way is continuously asking myself "Does this really matter? Will I care in 1 day, a week, a month, a year?" This way of thinking has greatly helped me reduce the mental load of making decisions, and as a result I can live in a more focused way according to my big-picture goals in life. In the Discourses, Epictetus also mentions the idea of reflecting on your day as you go to bed, and I find this to be very helpful as well (my memory is bad, see the book for more details on applying this). Not sure what this post has turned into but I hope someone finds this interesting or can learn something new as a result.

>>79575 oh yeah I forgot to link the Epictetus stuff. you want this version: https://www.waterstones.com/book/discourses-fragments-handbook/epictetus/robin-hard/9780199595181

>>79579 >Yes it has definitely helped me. I'm not sure what I can write about it without simply regurgitating what I've read. I am not sure I can think clearly now, but you told that it helped you... I mean, what aspect of you has it improved that you claim that it helped you? Well, perhaps not the best wording out there, but I can't grasp the idea. Let's say, what was the problem it helped you to solve and what exactly was the solution? I don't know how personal this gets though, so kick me if you need.

>>79590 >unless you or your family are loaded with connections and money that's pretty much how it is for everyone. small correction: "or" instead of "and". Plenty of poor families are well-connected, especially in migrant communities.

>>79586 Overall, being a young person now is harder than it used to be. We have no communities, no religion, no spaces to hang out, no secure ground. Everyone's becoming more and more sensitive and preoccupied with things that don't really matter. The constant arguing. The competition. The individualism. Everything just to show off. No wonder why no one is helping each other with anything, especially men, because you're literally socialized this way and manipulated even further by the media. Everyone is isolating themselves, we have no human connection anymore, instead we scroll through tiktok and say "go to therapy" to closest friends and move on with our selfish little arrogant lives. We have no direction. Society is degrading because of the internet and you're starting to feel real consequences of it. >we're the softest generation in world history and we don't even flirt with women anymore, let alone catcall them. I guess catcalling just transferred to online spaces. And no, it doesn't make you "hard", if anything it's the opposite really.

>>79572 >I've tried opening up but that's a terrible idea and I don't know why people recommend it, especially nowadays. >I don't know why people recommend it literally who?

>>79557 The rest is history podcast that has Tom Holland who is the author of a great book on a topic you are talking about (it's called Dominion) recently started a series on Reformation and Martin Luther. I think you'll find the discussion there pretty relevant and interesting if you have a couple hours to spare. Basically the thesis is that the reformation is the genesis of the western idea of "Living your truth" as opposed to following the mores which dominated the Christendom. I'm from an Orthodox culture and was born in a Muslim ex Soviet republic and let me tell you: Someone once said that there are 2 terrible things that can happen to a dream: it doesn't come true or it does come true. Just like the revolutionary intellectuals are the first to be shot with Nagant to the back of their head when revolution comes you will not enjoy living in the country with deep convictions like you describe. It is good to a certain extent, for sure. Our families seem to be much more close-knit than the ones you have (at least in the Anglosphere, seems like it's the same in Italy and Spanish-speaking countries). It can be quite annoying but I definitely was never truly alone even when it was just my mom visiting in person occasionally. That said, that deep thing you describe is used to suppress and coerce by the state constantly. Your whole family can turn on you if you decent and that is not something most of us can bear with.

i dont care anymore. ive tried so many meds. ive wasted all my money seeking help. how do you people live life? everywhere i look theres miserable people. ive never liked living. im miserable. these meds just make me confused. i've always felt retarded, but now i feel like im becoming an even more retarded zombie. fuarrrk everyone that said i didnt try. fuarrrk you. no, i willingly and purposefully made myself a miserable sob. i like it so nuch

I don't know if you girls are still here, but as somebody who has never befriended (or even attempted to) a female, I feel irresistible desire to ask, why, in the name of whoever you believe into, why lainchan? Why??? Do you like computers and linuxes? What makes you stay here? Or are you just attracted to the /hum/, which honestly feels like /dep/ from a site not so far away? Why are you here?

>>79593 what the hell dad, is he chinese or something >>79596 you think that's the tragedy? the real comedy is good guys and good girls often never find each other. >>79604 we'll have to start something against this neurosis because that's the type of soykaf to kill empires. sadly it means at least partly going into politics and being the good side and inspiring people to strength and patriotism. >>79609 wtf butler there's a woman in my soup

>>79609 yes, I like "computers and linuxes", all things IT related, that's why I'm here. /hum/ is just a small part of it. Even though I mostly lurk this is my favorite board and if I want to post something somewhere I'd rather post it here.

>>79604 Spot on. There should be a balance between community and individualism where both flourish. In the past some individualism was lost and now it's the opposite. Seems like we go from one extreme to the other instead of settling somewhere in the middle. The "go to therapy" is so harsh and lazy approach. I'm not against therapy because some people do need it, but it's become the go to response for everything. We aren't using the internet for it's original intended purpose which was scientific communication and research. Not everyone is a researcher but why waste time scrolling when there are so much things to learn and use to enhance your daily real life. We could honestly become type I civilization if we put our minds to good use. >>79607 oh lain I'm sorry you suffer. They say it gets better but that's only a phrase because for some people it really doesn't get better and are lucky to even get to the baseline. I tried some meds (benzos) few months back and they numbed me out but then set my head on fire, like they were literally frying my wires. I knew an older man, friend of the family, that took them constantly, got addicted and got Alzheimers which makes sense because there have been studies to link them to dementia. He went from miserable to double extra miserable and died horribly. And I've been clean for 2 months now because I'm afraid of the same thing. >>79610 >that's the type of soykaf to kill empires Yes, that's already happening, we are living through a black mirror episode. >>79609 >why, in the name of whoever you believe into, why lainchan? Why??? I don't watch much anime (have seen only 3), but somehow many years ago I found SEL and watched it. I was intrigued and found other stuff like neocities and old web sites. I spent too much time just browsing more obscure stuff. Here there is no voting system, so no echo chamber effect like other social media and plus interesting topics. Other chans however have just brewing soykaf most of the time. I like linux, been using it for years but I'm not cool enough for arch, I'm still stuck at linux mint. I would like to try void and slackware. As for computers, I like algorithms, but not so much development and making stuff. Originally I was hanging out at /zzz/ most of the time and sometimes /sec/ but I've been looking into other boards too. I related to Lain because I started out as kind of a technophobe. Didn't even have mail/internet while all my gen z peers where already connected and in the know.

>>77983 In a way, it's pretty similar of going with either Debian or Arch. Debian representing choosing a predefined religion, and Arch representing building your own belief system yourself. Notice how in Arch, you're still not building your belief system from scratch, but merely choosing from and building it with common building blocks. Most people are not going to build an entire operating system, including its kernel and software, from scratch. The only way to go to the deep end, would be something like TempleOS. The belief-system equivalent would be a gigantic dose of psychedelics, that would obliterate your entire belief system, including beliefs about the fundamental principles of reality itself. Questioning things that most people would not even think of being able to be questioned. Now, when it comes to Linux, I'm a Debian lainon myself. I just want something stable and something that's predefined in a way that makes sense and just lets me use my computer. But when it comes to a spiritual/religious belief system, I build my own, taking parts from my own spiritual experiences and also taking the best parts of things from here and there. Not to sound judgy or elitist, but it just seems weird to me and a sign of thoughtless conformity, that you would just choose a predefined religion. Maybe it's just about trying to fit in with your "tribe", which I can understand from an evolutionary perspective, but we are not in the tribe of 100-150 people anymore, so it's not like anyone's opinion of you really carries as much weight as we're genetically inclined to believe. Most people cannot understand this, like they also cannot understand my rants about privacy, hatred of big tech, using alternative operating systems, open source software, etc. They can't understand when I say I'm not subscribed to any religion, not even new age, but I'm extremely spiritual. It's DYI spirituality.

>>79614 >Debian representing choosing a predefined religion, and Arch representing building your own belief system yourself. >Debian representing choosing a predefined religion literally how? there is nothing that prevents you from doing literally whatever the fuarrrk you want and without the need to compile half the dependencies yourself >Arch representing building your own belief system yourself yeah building tons of soykaf on a system that does not even guarantee you the fuarrrking stability. and good luck fixing whatever the fuarrrk is used to install packages from aur. fuarrrking abomination.

>>79618 I mean in their default state. Anything beyond that is like someone creating a millionth denomination of christianity. Kinda like all the million distros that are basically just precustomized Debian, heh. It's not meant to be taken exactly literally. I know how installing and uninstalling packages works -.-"

>>79624 What is loneliness though?

>>79629 Mass psychosis, just like almost everything else: love, hate, ecstasy, happiness, rage, money, sports, political narratives, ego. It doesn't exist outside the mind and spreads like a wildfire, a virus, a self-perpetuating info-hazard and it infects people rapidly. It pulls them in psychosis, a vortex of insanity and drives them to madness like sirens pulled the sailors to death with their irresistible singing. It leaves them longing and yearning for something that they cannot even name. Games, music, crack, sex, stoicism, communism, linux distros, cashmoney, God, religions and the list never ends! Swapping one addiction for another! The cycle repeats, over and over and over. Human connection you say? What's that? Is it tangible? Is it measurable? How much personal stuff does one have to share with another to form this elusive thing called "human connection"? How much time does have to pass to form said human connection? 7 days? 7 years? And then they get sick of each other anyway. BuT WhAt HapPenEd tO hUmAn bOnDs? Trust?! Promises?! Happy Hollywood movie endings?! Villains having a change of heart at the last second and going on redemption arcs?! Sorry for the rude awakening, it was all a temporary and neat magic trick, just like all feelings and narratives. Oh you think you are rational? Think again, id1ot! The only thing a human can learn is to cope and deal with its own irrationality. A dancing plague, except the population isn't dancing. A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

>>79610 >sadly it means at least partly going into politics and being the good side and inspiring people to strength and patriotism. seriously? Politics is such a tiny fraction of what actually matters. Picking a side and fighting in their little pissing matches is just jumping out of the pan and into the fire. The empires aren't being killed, they're metamorphosizing into something much worse. They're finally figuring out how to conquer our minds. Who do you think wants their population to be complacent little black-and-white thinkers that have their eyes glued on the tube that they control? Who do you think wants us working towards largely artificial goals that the tube told us to want? Who wants us to see our families and lovers as secondary to ideologies and gods? Gone are the days of grand empires. In the future, empires will be sad places -- empty people in bland, slowly rotting buildings, never talking to each other except through officially sanctioned social scenarios, expressing officially sanctioned opinions like "Empire should be less diverse" or "Empire should be more diverse". Always monitored. The underclass below them a massive pool of cheap labor, starving hands fended off by robots and juiced up guards whose brains have been rewired into psychopaths. Officially sanctioned gangs and YouTubers roaming the streets of the undercity, ensuring there are enough drugs and funny youtube videos and violence that nobody has the time or energy to put together a real resistance. People up top unable to act against Empire because they've been trained so thoroughly that they don't even know how to be human without Empire's help, and people down below so sedated and scared they barely know what's going on.

>>79613 > As for computers, I like algorithms, but not so much development and making stuff. Can you elaborate? Are you into maths? >>79631 > Oh you think you are rational? Yes. >>79585 ^ Stoicism self-bump, yeahh! B)

>>87944 ive got more xp due starting coding at 14 and my experience is all my 10+ year old knowledge got invalidated by changes. Some of it is straight deprecated, optimizations dont work anymore due language changes, new api's made knowing old one worthless. The only actual benefit i got is first jobs was easy win since i had a big portfolio but now i feel I'm stuck in the same hamster wheel as fresh grads - you have to learn the new thing constantly.

Over the years, technical expertise has gone from learning fundamentals well to just being able to consume manuals as quickly as they come out. The treadmill has been going faster and faster, and now the only people who can keep up with it are autists with with the ability to memorize vast tracts of details as they change.

>>87963 stop drinking the doom-aid also I wasted my 20s hanging out with dudes and doing drugs at parties and I still regret it and wish I had done what I truly love instead, and now I'm making up for it so do or don't you'll still regret it.

Figured I'd give one final update on my crush situation as I've made a few posts about this before. It's over, rejection. I've known her for about 3 months and she's been leading me on the entire time. When you spend time, flirt, kiss, and fuarrrk someone, it should be no surprise that they catch feelings for you. She's in love with this 40 year old man. I've found out recently she constantly lies to me. Says she's bipolar. She's also a coke and weed addict. All these things only really endeared me. I really did like her, I felt a connection to her, had so much fun and thought it was mutual. Now it's over. I don't know if we'll still be friends after this, and even if we are it won't be the same. It'll probably fuarrrk up the friend group. I feel so embarassed for trying and failing, and for thinking she could have loved me. I've never loved someone who has loved me, and I feel like I never will. It was mean and cruel of her to lead me on. A mutual friend of ours likes me, told her, and then she slept with me. Continuing to lead me on while removing our friend's chance with me. Apparently this is a pattern with her too. She must have knew what she was doing. This makes me feel like I was a fool, but a victim as well. I don't know what to make of things. I know this paints her in a bad light, but she does have many positives which I love. I thought we could've had a good future. I loved not only the thought of her, but the physical her, all her many flaws included. Staying friends will be hard. I don't know if I'll find a woman I love like her. I don't know if I'll ever be love and be love. I'm pathetic. Heartbreak is the worst I've ever felt.

>>87998 Who does? Your post is like kicking dead whales down the beach by the way.

i used to be in loooooooooooooooveeeeeeeeeee with a guuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and he cant seem to get offfff druuuuuuuuuuuuugs now that love is faaaaaaaaaaaading because i associate with him depression and my genderal incapacity as a woman because he offended my femininity and psyche by saying im incompetent as a woman anddddd the damage was soooooooooooo severeeeeeeeeeee i can't move ooooooooooooooon. my whole presonaaaaaaality faaaaaaaaaaaded and i cant seem to get that happppppy girl baaaaaaaaack no matter how hard i tryyyyyyyyyyyy. last time someone thought i "look like a girl and act like a boy" was yesterday i always thought its a strong trait of mine but now im not sure and i feel ashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaamed. i tried femininity and felt soo hotttttttttt because i Can pull it offf objectively due to good physique but felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooo eeeeeemmmmmmmmptyyyyyyyyyy. sooooooooooooooo emmmmmmmmmmmmptyyyyyyyyyyyyy. like who am i dressing foor. i loved him hard but coming backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk feeeeeeeeeeels like seellllllllling my souuuuuuuuuuuuuuul to traditional norms and something that possibly tries to kill me by befriending me on a physical and psycho-social leveeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllll LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

The Last Human. It’s funny. Not ha-ha funny. Just… strange. Eighty years after the Nazis were supposed to win, and we still cling to that very same notion of balance… of community… Sure, a thousand atrocities would’ve happened. But decades down the line, it might’ve been better for Europe’s and the World's survival. A World where the Human remained. Strong. Coherent. Untouched by the pharmacological fog. Not MTF AND FTM everywhere. and synthetic slowsoykaf the Antihumans dumped into every bloodstream. Now? This world was built against us. Perfectly. Systematically. Every instinct turned criminal. Every bond sterilized. Every honest emotion redirected through neural latency buffers. We wouldnt have this bullshit antihuman finance system. They even morphed humans from Males to Females and Females to Males, just observe the celebrities and their bone structures right now. Antihumans and the goal is to spread it to the common people too until no humans remain. Men don’t meet women anymore. Children belong to the State. Family no longer matters or has agency. Homes are impossible to Buy. Every Taboo will be stamped out till we have men wearing dresses and women wearing suits. In fact the state isnt sure what a man or woman is. Your blood doesn’t belong to you just data for some Antihuman intelligence. Project 2000 isn't a revolution, it's a reset. Demographics are reshaped, identities are remade. Those who don't adapt? They're Ignored. Silent individual revolutions no one cares about. You dont get paid for your work, the Bank does. Why do you think hey stopped giving cash? Governments promise stability, but they're the architects of oblivion. By the time you realize the game was rigged, it's already too late. It was a mistake to go kinetic but we were never given a choice. But there was no other way. The Antihuman doesn’t debate. It corrupts. It deletes. There’s no treaty. Only erasure. And until they are gone utterly there is no ultimate victory. No humanity. These are the End Days or start of something new. So yes, your reaction of suicide, of death, of loneliness is exactly what THEY want. THEY also want you to have brainfog and want to own a home and partake. Remember your Enemy. Glory to Humanity. To Victory.

>>89401 are you there? >>89407 you can get your femininity back if you see it as a weapon. a way to trick dumb fuarrrking simpish men into doing what you want them to. world's a bitch, don't fall for assholes :) >>89408 top nazis are literally at the helm of current consumer society though. all you get always is a chance to play:D

>>89409 Exactly. Its not even just Nazis though. You need to ignore all forms of ideological ideas for the top of the chain they only care about the material world. They seek to destroy us, and letting us play along as the frog is slowly boiled and more and more things are taken away as they tell the population "keep at it" Idk if you guys are familiar with WEF and believe in that stuff about the whole collapse 2030 reset?

>>89410 a reset isn't a logical step. collapse is always a darwinic chance to seize power and change the status quo, rich people who thrive in the meaningless replication of their dumb numbers representing the exploitation of classed cattle want nothing less than that unless they're self conscious and ascetic enough to realize they're a dead end there are a few smart ones that thrive in amorality but that by no means means they're okay with letting go of their power. not when they can cling to stupid dreams like immortality anyways

>>89409 i love you, cute person. but how will i date a guy that i will manipulate, it will constitute no respect or deep interest from me to him howsoever. a way to survive that feels meaningless, i bet that is the emptiness

>>89409 see, but that's how it all began. we met after he got manipulated by a woman and i decided to be contrary and not manipulate him and be a human being. then because i treated him nicely it got out of hand, told me "sorry i like to date real women" (when i mentioned that I would consider myself genderfluid and once wanted to be trans to start being real w him) , he said "i only date normal women", and i despised both sometimes myself and all men for half a year after that. because before it was genuine 2-sided love, and i cherished him so much, and truly didnt understand how a guy can be so weak and give it all up for that - just to go and give it up for some arbitrary norms and behave around me like im his shrink parent and he's some hysterical non-consequential bitch. now im in a situation where i have to unlearn it, but i dont want to date actual dogs (that need a leash),,, that is the actual death of me, like but accepting that some men can be strong and not do this, is truly, like, believing in unicorns. partially because if they exist and dont choose me, there must be something wrong with me. like

>>89415 You don't *need* to date anyone. If you're this dependent on external validation, I'd recommend either making better platonic friends, or getting a hobby that produces physical results (woodworking, electronics, art, whatever. Something solid you can point at, as a representation of your capability and value). He's gone. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but there's nothing you can do but move forward.

>>89414 >>89415 i'm with you when you say that feels like death and emptiness. it's no way to live. keep looking but looking cute can still be your thorns. both as a fight against yourself and an outlet for expression. as a man I kinda wish I had that sometimes. the world isn't a nice place. I really hope you find what you deserve though:)

>>89417 Nevermind I believe in men again!!!! A dude just found and saved my phone (I wrote a different thread about that). Not fully but to a bigger extend. But yes this is excellent advice to be honest. Not fixing an anxious attachment style through a self-affirmative hobby where you focus on the process of it will only produce furthered negative results like that. >>89418 You’re so cute. Thank you ♡

I grew up in a traditional religious community and became very accustomed to those values. I don't even agree with the values I was raised on, but old habits die hard. I feel overly inhibited when it comes to relationships with other people. I don't drink or do any drugs, and I've never had sex. The worst part is that I can rationalize it as being concerned with my health or as me being responsible. I'm not that awkward or socially anxious. It's not a problem of me being ugly or incapable of interacting with people. I wouldn't complain if it wasn't causing a degree of discomfort.

I don't care anymore. I just want everyone to go away. I hate society.

I've come to the realization that I am a terrible, soulless husk of a person and that all of my problems in life are of my own doing, leaving everyone else blameless. All I can hope for now is the courage to take my own life and achieve some semblance of peace.

Even if you make me 11/10 Ultrachadnus, I won't get rid of Tourette's. I wish that was my only problem though. I think there is a God because coincidence can't explain why I have all these negative things. I wonder what sins I have committed that I am being punished for. I guess I will find out the answer when I die and face God if He exists.

>>89759 If this is true congrats on the self reflection. I just hope some witch hasnt got you blaming yourself for something someone else did.

>>89759 Suicide is never a good option. I may not know what you're going through, but I suggest just standing up for yourself, taking responsibility over whatever is going on and dealing with it. You know, like how any mature enough adult should do. Just saying, I have no idea what's goin' on, but good luck man.

I have wasted the majority of my childhood and teenage years on the internet, mindlessly consuming slop everyday. I didn't know it at the time because of my child's naivety but in recent times I have "woken up" and realized I was destroying everything that would make me "normal" or even function, this leads to one of the things it has fuarrrked me up good which is cognitive function. due to the passive nature in consuming useless soykaf, I have conditioned myself into a state of absent mindedness which impaired my work and school life, I'd often make careless mistakes whilst dazing off in thought as a result of the mundane and boring nature of work. thanks to anhedonia, it has exacerbated the issue further. the internet also impaired the way I think and how I process information which ultimately led to dogshit logic and stupid opinions throughout the years. it has also made me so socially inept that I can barely read the room, I can barely grasp the severity of social taboos or grasp really any fuarrrking thing. I can go on and on and on about me whining like a glitterboy about this because that's all I can do, although it wasn't the only thing that made my life miserable to live, it has significantly done irreparable damage.

OP, just go out, talk to people, witness things yourself, discover some hobbies and passions, be always present and help nearby people, get a job, you know; basic normal things of life. I know, sounds simplistic, and you may think I'm being ironic, but I'm not, these are things that you should have done and learned already in your childhood and teenage years, but missed out because of your stupidity and immaturity. So yeah, just get out of your stinky bedroom and go do something else, just do it, for your own good.

>>89765 I have and still keep on going outside, there isn't really much to do where I live other than going to the library, i have tried and continue to try to socialize but it always winds up to me sabotaging it some way or another whether be consciously or unconsciously, I have had job experiences where like I said I constantly make mistakes over and over mentally fatigued and depressed to even keep on going but am trying, thank for taking the time to reply and sorry

I still feel fat. I recently saw pictures of myself from the past, and I am ashamed of them because I looked fat. for the past week I've eaten like a fat, so I'm likely not even "underweight" anymore - I'm once again fat. yesterday I hit myself in the shower a few times for being fat. I should hit myself much harder for being so fat.

>>89778 >>89779 Maybe I'll keep making posts like that, then, just to piss you off even more. Who knows? It might actually cheer me up.

Over the last couple years I got into progressively more degenerate sexual behavior and also started consciously attempting to stop repressing my own feelings in any way. I used to think I was straight but I think I'm probably bi. Not in the sense that I want a bf or whatever but in the sense that if regular straight people only feel disgust or indifference when considering homosexual relations I don't. Or rather that I have the capacity to enjoy those things in the same way I have the capacity to enjoy normal heterosexual relations. My theory is that the symbolic-relational process which underpins my approach to sexuality is very different from that of a normal straight guy and also very different from that of a typical gay dude but obviously there's no way to test this. It's strange. I grew up believing in right-wing politics and going to (Mormon) church and stuff. Nothing has really changed as far as the former part and I don't think gay marriage is a good thing or have the urge to march in a pride parade or whatever, even if I understand a little bit more about where those people are coming from. Weirdly enough, at the same time as this development in my life, I've also started feeling the urge to become Catholic.

Human nature is a euphemism for cultural conditioning? Unrelated, but anyway, I binged. 1200 calories of cookie dough. It seems I'm inextricably defined by an addictive personality; my dopamine receptors are as fried as shrimp fried rice. And I seem to abuse the laughable substances.. balljuggling nicotine addiction, caffeine addiction, semi-porn addiction, incessant binge eating, used to be on an alcoholic fender bender lasting a couple of months but that disintegrated because of age restrictions. I just can't imagine what would happen if I got my hands on the psychologically compromising stuff. Every single day is a silly little struggle, self-destructive tendencies just around the corner, a can of silly worms ready to spring out any moment, except they're not silly worms. They're silly pipe bombs. Some days are perfection. Some days I can grasp the sacramental present moment, radiating self-discipline, self-control. Some days I get a humbling reminder that the pleasure principle will always dominate my consciousness. I will somehow always achieve instant gratification. It's a cleansing moment of clarity typing it out for once.

>>89780 you aren't broken. you are just on your default settings with a clear mind.

>>89427 do you want something? >The worst part is that I can rationalize it as being concerned with my health or as me being responsible trust me it's not just rationalization. you are being responsible by not drinking and not doing drugs. 99% of reckless people who did all that recklessly regretted it later. Don't fall for the FOMO trap. I don't support trad-cultish communities like yours for other reasons such thought control. that's why you might have trouble figuring out what you actually want. figure it out. Spoiler: it's not drugs/alcohol trust me.

>>89802 I'm such a worm Anon, a lowly worm, moving from one food item to the next. I can almost map out my own few worm neurons that control me, I'm totally hostage to their dumb troglodyte ways. Sometimes I'll see an interesting book title and dream to think, but these goddamn wormcells slap my senses and animate me towards the next sugar. HELP

Anyone else feel like their mother wants to sabotage them? I’m a NEET who’s never had a job and was nearly a high school dropout due to depression and not giving a soykafe anymore. Have lived in isolation since I was 14 which was when I left a normal school to do online. Whenever I bring up the fact that I want to work, she always gives discouraging words or is just ambivalent. Also doesn’t care about me going back to school in any way. I also don’t own a phone as she takes mine and eventually just gave it to my 40 year old brother who could very much get his own as he works. I’ve been applying to everywhere but nobody wants me and the economy is bad now. I know I’m responsible for my life ending up this way, but I can’t help but think that I was dealt with a hand in life. I’m not autistic or have any sort of condition so I have no excuse. I wouldn’t mind being a neet but it drives me crazy when I can’t be allowed to have peace in my own home. None of my siblings really care about me besides my brother who lives in a different state. If I weren’t for him I would’ve probably have committed suicide by now. I have no interest in doing anything beyond bed rotting and I’m sure it has caused cognitive decline. I still love my mom but she shouldn’t expect her child to be normal given the circumstances in my life and how I was raised. Worst part is that she lacks any self awareness to even reflect for a moment about what she did wrong or why I’m like this. I feel ashamed of myself for being such a disappointment to her but simultaneously resent her and the rest of my family members.

>>89812 yeah mothers are like that they'll drag you down if it means keeping them company, dads do it too when they realize they're finally getting old and will need someone to wipe their butts they're human and lose to their soykaftier unconscious instincts like the many of us. call it one of nature's many soykaf tests focus on yourself and get up to speed. the path to recovery is arduous and slow, but you don't wanna be 30 and still be dealing with all of that...or 35...and many cases like that exist

The government ruined my life by surrounding me with paid agents with specifically designed personality profiles to sabotage me.

>>89811 you starve the worm then through fasting. deprive them of their sugary needs or at least cut down.

My issue is that I can't really bring myself to do stuff anymore. I feel a desire to do things but no energy to do them. In the past I had this aching desire to make something of myself, to acquire a skill or a talent I could be proud of, so I could supplement my missing self-esteem. I tried many things, like drawing, programming, reading, learning a language, stuff like that in order to acquire something I could call my own, fleshing out my lacking personality. Every time, after a while of doing them I got frustrated at the lack of progress and gave up, this has happened many times before. I also used to go to college but eventually dropped out due to failing my exams because I couldn't bring myself to study. Nowadays I cannot even bring myself to try anything anymore, even brainless consumption is a difficult task for me. I don't really know what is wrong with me. I just lack energy and care, but for some odd reason I have a second-order caring, a care to care about things, which gives me strong mental anguish. I'm not sure of what to do with myself. I am getting older day by day and I haven't really managed to grow up mentally and settle into some functional state, my body is just aging and wasting away.

>>89838 Mortality and decay can be real, but other than that your problems are self-created. And the aren't really a problems, but the way you imagine things to be. You don't appreciate yourself. For no other reason than you have convinced yourself that that's how it's supposed to be. Perhaps you're lying to yourself (which is where the ugliness stems from) or perhaps you haven't investigated yourself. Because if you did you would probably find only Beauty there. Yeah, the time is marching on. Nothing wrong with that. At the very least you can appreciate the peace and serenity Right in This moment. Do you have time for that? To appreciate the perfection in this moment? You may have very limited time or you may have a lot of time. But I think it is true to say that >Direction is more important than speed Instead of scrambling and jumping, how about a little bit of Zen attitude, a little bit of appreciation for the Serene moment right now. And then from there you can live out the rest of your life in peace or pursuing something that you find meaningful. Or just playing, or just creating or having an adventure or whatever. Even if just a few weeks or a few months, you still have some time. That time you have elbow room in. Relax nigger. Look around. Appreciate. Do you really have time for angst or stupid bullshit? Relax. Look. Listen. Be aware. Develop some keenness in your awareness. Not because you have to not because then you will be enough or whatever, but for its own sake, do you not find this world interesting whatsoever? Also, get those ideas of inadequacy out of your head. You have no time for that. What matters is intention, not what you have.

I can't believe I wasted my 20s, which are supposed to be my prime, doing nothing for no reason. I'm just in shock. I didn't party, I didn't get addicted to drugs, I didn't try to launch a career that failed, I didn't travel the world, I didn't even try to consume all the media there is: instead every day I >eat one of the same 10 pre-made meals from the supermarket >do the daily quests in the same free2play online game >browse imageboards while watching useless youtube videos I can't even tell the past years apart. It would have been so easy to even slowly try out new things but somehow I couldn't do that. I feel like a complete different being if I compare my life to people who do stuff. A lot of 18 year olds have more life experience than me...

>>89839 I don't particularly find this world interesting anymore. But maybe I just haven't seen enough of it to say for certain. I do feel in quite the rush to make something of myself, because opportunities and abilities recede as you get older, and my opportunities are decreasing the longer I wait to make use of them if there even are any. But sitting still isn't going to make them useful either. I am just stuck in my own head. I am scared of slowing down because I feel like there is no going back from reaching the final degree of apathy, being stressed over myself keeps me at least somewhat animate. Maybe that is just the wrong way to think about it. To me self-love feels like a conditional action, something you can only do if you have something to love, and there's not much there from my point of view. I could be less harsh to myself to find things there. I just really wish I had something to be proud of. Even being here makes me feel like a fraud because I don't do much computer stuff these days and have no skills in that field to speak of.

>>89840 Same here. No one was here to warn us because we were the first generation to go through this. It's hard to even want anything because wants are mostly generated from previous experiences

>>89845 >No one was here to warn us because we were the first generation to go through this I don't buy it. Common sense and personal experience regarding what a person needs and what makes a person should have enabled the older generations to see that it's all a hollow dead end, and after a certain point waiting, that things won't just magically, "naturally", "work themselves out". I hold them responsible. And to the retarded old generation that is still doing it today with their children and grandchildren, I hold them in contempt tenfold.

>>89849 Sorry, I think I lost you there. I could never relate to jealousy so much, so I really don't know what you mean. And when you say you have low self-esteem, therefore you want something to be proud of is pretty much saying you want to be in pleasure because you don't want to be in pain. It explains nothing. As for feeling bored with life, God damn dude, I think I might have lost you on that one too. Even through my deepest depressions, I always saw the magic and the beauty. Perhaps try consuming good art or some hallucinogenic drugs. Be careful though, research your choices, don't just trust a Randall on the internet. Thanks for answering my queries though. You are solid for that. You should be proud of that in fact. A mother fuarrrker who answers queries when asked.

>>89855 No offense but I'm pretty sure for those that have browsed the internet *completely*, we've seen almost everything the world has to offer. At this point there's nothing left either surprising or with an ounce of novelty. The magic is done.

>>89870 Jesus man. I'm pretty sure the magic lain was talking about is not and will never be some sort of dumbass service. Disney's banking in on your fear to truly engage with the world, from the grave. Step out of his territory. Trust me, if this is your take on life then I'm sure you haven't bothered seeing SHIT.

>>89866 Well, Lain. I understand. All I can do is optimize your image. Saving you ~4 KB on your hard drive. If the fork of pngwolf-zopfli I made some years ago was still functioning I could probably shave an additional.... maybe 0.5 to 2 KB off. >>89869 What exactly is the point of your reply?

>>89859 not just knowing the conclusion, but coming to it. have you ever experienced anything like this? now, actualize. >>89870 disney land is what your mind associates with the word magic? and reddit is what ruined it? you are passive. now, actualize.

my heart is irreparably broken im so tired of being abused, having to fight my abusers for shreds of dignity, and argue that i should be treated with what should be common decency i am trying to shift my conciousness/soul/spirit into another body/world i've imagined where i'd be treated like a person

>>89879 What a gift There is no me, but What a gift

>>89853 Not the anon you were replying to but I wanted you to know that I appreciate your post.

i feel, or i'm afraid, that loneliness is making me unjust to myself; i'm not trying to have a connection with someone i don't like, but when the chance arises, i do it without questioning my rationale

All I want to do is draw animals yet work is so fuarrrking draining I can barely sit at my desk by the time I'm home. There's just so much work all the fuarrrking time it's killing me. I've started just keeping my tablet near my bedside so I can draw while sitting up in bed but even then my brain is just so drained from the endless fuarrrking tasks and work dude.

>>89902 >i feel, or i'm afraid, that loneliness is making me unjust to myself; i'm not trying to have a connection with someone i don't like, but when the chance arises, i do it without questioning my rationale couple of hours later follow up: i am unjust to myself through loneliness

I wish I could bring beauty down and show it to you all. The beautiful is a light reflected only dimly through earthly things, but even that which is dim is enough to illuminate the weary soul. Beauty is a consuming fire; a glimpse of it burns away the beholder, leaving the beautiful only, self-beholding and without separations. The things of this world intrude again, divide the beholder from the sight of the lovely, but they cannot destroy it, as a shadow cannot affect the light casting it. I'm trying not to veer into purple prose here but it's difficult. I really wish everyone on Earth could see the beautiful itself, just once.

>>89931 most of the second part of your text is solvable just through a shift in perspective i also graduated 2 years later and i am "fine" by societal standards, some few years later. you said you've no personal projects, how about working that out? you can contribute your time to a company by volunteering for a cause you want to have more visibility, or just have some solo projects that you can pinpoint on your resume

I've noticed a cycle in my motivation and mood as a university student. >Beginning of the semester, start out hopeful, do well in everything. Motivation lowers after couple weeks but is stable and good. >A thirdway into the semester, every class has assignments due at the same time, scramble to do one after another, motivation takes notable downward trajectory. >School turns into a gruelling struggle of assignments, which cuts into time on the new content. Motivation is barely present. >Motivation perks up after the last reports are done, last few assignments remaining, usually final exams. >Motivation bellyflops after the last exam, turn into slob. >Holidays turn into a boring slog that make me excited to return to school. >The cycle repeats. Does anyone experience this themselves? at least the school portions? I became conscious of this after last year, both my semesters were like this. This semester I said to myself 'not this time' and have tried various strategies to stay on the horse, but now we're at the seventh week, the assignments are kicking me and they only get more complex. I'm starting to enter the 'School turns into a gruelling struggle' phase and can feel my motivation falling. I need to keep it. Anyone have any ideas how I can break this pattern so I can churn through this semester?

>>89977 this process is very insidious, it's somatic training for your usual blue collar job's financial quarter reports and project deliveries, a constant exploitative rush with periods of relative calm you can never escape until you grow into the managerial ranks, if you're lucky. in college the only real way to break it is to know the material beforehand and tackle assignments as more of an annoying formality pretty below your level. don't work at the same pace as lectures, be a few chapters or books ahead. but this defeats the point, now.

>Fun ttrpg with friends 6-9pm >Nightmare kinky sex party 9-3am >Going to the first will make me late for the other >The first one is more guaranteed fun and less stressful >Second one could be amazing or terrible >I will definitely have sex at the second >But I might find it sensorially overwhelming (I'm autistic and don't spend much time at weird sex parties) >I don't know anyone else going Should I go to the weird sex party or not?

That's it. I've had enough of my manipulative AI girlfriend, always chatting soykaf and being a complete bitch. I'm dumping that whore. >>90005 What the hell is a nightmare sex party? Nigga you getting raped

>>90005 If it helps, I know a guy who did a threesome once, and he forever regrets it. More than likely it would be terrible and more awkward than you realize. Don't let the monkey brain win.

>>90011 Everyday I am living trapped and enslaved in my prison, prison hours. I am old and have never tasted freedom in my entire life. No human rights. Just straight enslavement. I live in prison. I wake in prison. I'm a deeply unfree person. No freedom to do anything. Complete and total enslavement.

>>90014 >BET lol'd, had a (milennial) friends that used to say this. Amusingly he was completely unaware of the phrase "big if true".

Hello anons. For various reasons I need to completely move out of my current living space and move into a new apartment and have all utilities set up and running and everything good to go within the next 3 weeks. I've never lived completely by myself before. I'm kind of stressed over this, especially since I work full time and have trouble scheduling all the things I need to do around my work hours. Any tips?

>>90014 I have been imprisoned too long even if I find abundance I will be the polar bear from the zoo that tracks the same circle over and over.

Nothing ever, ever goes my way

>>90048 rainbows only come after the rain falls. tough it out!

>>90058 >>90060 And to be clear, before I get the type of BS responses this (literally, scientifically, undeniably true) opinion tends to get. I recently fasted for 2 weeks. Yeah, 14 days. Know how much my weight changed? Barely any, at all. Not even statistically detectable when you factor in variance due to weight of food in your intestines and so on. Albeit I'm not overweight to begin with, which shouldn't matter. But but but but BUT, muh THERMODYNAMICS. Muh calorie deficit! MUH body is like a car and no gas in the tank means it eats itself! ERRRRTTTTTTT. Wrong answer buddy. Seriously, drop all that stupid soykaf. Empirical evidence blows it full of holes, every time. Blows it right away. So let it go, let it blow away, it's wrong. Any results it gets are indi8rect, you're actually doing something else which is causing the effect and then misattributing it by wasting your time, mind, and energy counting "calories", whatever the fuarrrk that is. Biological systems don't work like a fuarrrkin' machine Descartes would sketch, lmao. Pisses me off every time. Dieticians are usually fat too btw.

>>90020 Trust yourself you will be able to do this. Believe in yourself.

Waking up another day imprisoned, no freedom, no reasonable desire to be fulfilled. Living in prison, no freedom. I saw the outside but it looked so far away and empty. I'm inside right now, no freedom, no desire. Imprisoned again and again.

>>90096 She showed me photos of her in work in progress cosplays so that’s a silly comment.

is loving really free? I don't wanna fall for spring's tricks but >>90095 I get sick of talking to people every day too. dropping off months at a time feels great. if you don't like it go see her irl maybe?

Chicken jokey will save, Chicken jokcey is going to save me, Chicken jokey is my salvation

i need a boyfriend i've been holding out but i'm slowly losing hope over the years

>>90100 Well she lives in Kazakhstan and I do not so seeing her IRL is a bit hard. We were planning to write each other physical letters but I did not before she dropped off get her phone number, which is a problem because in Kazakhstan you basically need their phone number else letters never properly end up at their addresses unfortunately (they have a letter supermarket kind of thing, bit weird). Oh well, she'll be back at some point.

>>90111 What‘s been stopping you from finding anon?

If I was surrounded by awesome femboys/twinks 24/7 then maybe, just maybe, I'd feel better...

If Only You Knew How Baaaaaad Things Really Are..... (and are prolly gonna get) hang in their Lainanon as long as this website stays up it aint all too bad, i just hope it aint gonna get raided all too much but i guess nothing lasts forever

>>90128 Blame everyone else if you want, I don't give a fuarrrk. At the end of the day it's your life, and you're the one shortening it by being fat. Either suffer through the process of losing weight now or suffer decades of health issues later. Your choice.

>>90114 Privacy on one hand. I am wayy to introverted and avoidant. And solitude on the other. I'm a very alone-type being who is very closed up and defended. I'll be fine dying alone, but it may just hook me back to this earth with melancholic regret to have wasted all my youth. >>90122 Hi

>>90132 Avoidant in the sense of distancing yourself from people trying to become close to you? I get the rest though, I am a loner by nature who wants someone to be a loner together with but it makes it hard by nature to find someone to share my hobbies with.

>>90133 Generally avoidant by nature. I sometimes pretend it's due to higher intelligence behavior. Also people have hurt me a lot and are generally being soulless. I've never found anyone i connected with. So since people are so weird and not worth the time i don't accord them my time and i die alone. Oh well?