While my life turns to soykaf and I'm incapable to do anything about it, I try to cope with it. Not like it happens for the first time, just waiting for hedonic adoptation to happen. Ill, I stoped eating, drink only coffe. Replacing psychological pain with physical you gent into less concious state. Remember less, times goes by faster. Tripping from fever, high level of caffeine, fat metabolism, physical stress, nausea, etc. I've heard that in in situations like this this body releases natural opioids. Didn't reach more direct methods of selfharm yet. Self defence through self destruction. Interestingly enough it works only with self-induced pain. Pain and felling of muscles tearing from ribs when coughing is unpleasant. It's unlilkely that I will die thou since human is a tough fuarrrker and won't get away from suffering that easily.
If it so happens that my ICD codes arent 'cool' enough to get away from serving in the army, I will probably continue do the same there. Stop eating. Sprint untill you can't sprint, run untill you can't run, walk untill you can't walk, then crawl into a shelter and puke 'cause you've puhed yourself too far. Repeat every day. Again, probably won't die, likely will get into hospital. Or will be uncovered and beaten to soykaf. Although i've never been really beaten I have great experience of being under pressure. I usualy stop reacting to the real world. Ghost disconnects from the shell. Maybe I won't get that far. Just inhale difluoroethane from a duster can through a gas mask. Both accelerated asphycsation by active removal of oxygen and possibility of a heart attack as a bonus, yey! Or charcoal burning. Or find a way to synthesize cyanide on sciencemadness. The same way humans have right to live they should have right to die. Government, not the government, but rather any organization which uses humans as a resource doesn't want it's property to destroy itself. It doesn't matter how person feels, as long it works and participates in the economy it must live. Even if one doesn't have a job and barely survives he has to live, because if he decides to die it will be a bad example for the rest. That's why some countries have a death penalty for a suicide attempt. 'Progressive' movement for 'freedom' are no different. People say only cowards attempt kill themselves. Have they actually gone through it? It takes a soykafton of courage to make an attemp despite instincts, propaganda, social pressure and possible consequences. You have either go through a lot of suffering or be a psycho. Maybe second comes from the first. Or vice versa.