i'm worried i am a sociopath

i'm worried i am a sociopath and/or a psychopath, or have the capability to become one in a full-fledged manner. i'll provide some brief background. I don't particularly remember my childhood, in truth, most of my life is a blur (especially onwards from 13, but I'll get to that in a minute). By all accounts I was a happy, friendly, and deeply intelligent child; I was good at making friends and my parents described me as profoundly curious and empathetic (there are a few stories in particular that have been related to me about crying over the situation of the homeless). When I was about 7, my parents decided they no longer wanted to live in the US and moved me to a gulf petrostate. We were by no means wealthy, and I was immediately feeling profoundly out of place in regards to my peers, who were all wealthier and often made comments on my racial background. At around the age of 11 I sustained a brutal beating by 3 arab boys, for which I never received medical attention. I had attempted to intervene in their bullying of one of my friends in the gym locker rooms. It is my realization now that I definitely had a concussion; it was also the last time I ever 'ugly-cried.' I was disciplined, severely, by the school due to their 'no-tolerance' policy. The following years I would routinely get into trouble for fighting, either as a result of poor impulse control or deliberately seeking it out, and behaviors associated with a general distaste for authority figures and rules. Around this same time I began watching pornography, often incestuous or violent in nature. At roughly age 13 I began in earnest becoming what I suppose could be referred to as a 'sex pest' as well as beginning what would become years of drug (starting primarily with K2, Tramadol, and weed of course) and heavy alcohol use as well as severe pathological lying. I was very good at hiding my substance use. From middle to the end of high school I was a straight-A student, and well-liked by my teachers and peers alike, despite my issues with 'pastoral' or administrative staff, who were accustomed to suspending me at least once a year. I was once told by a teacher that certain members of the school wanted to expel me but I was too high-achieving and had won a multitude of academic and sports awards that 'redeemed' me, so to speak. I said 'sex pest', but I am not a rapist. I have, however, certainly engaged in coercive and/or manipulative behaviors in which the lines of consent became blurred. Beginning from 14, there were multiple occasions related to me later wherein I would engage in sexual behaviors and then completely forget - apparently there was one night in particular where I had sex with 3 girls and received or performed fellatio on 4 more. When I was 16, a girl attempted to sexually assault me by getting me deeply intoxicated. At a certain point I passed out in the bathroom with a male acquaintance present. Somewhat conscious, I recall the girl saying to the guy 'I'm gonna flash xxxxx my tits, but you can't be here.' I had made clear to multiple people present I had no interest in hooking up with this girl; the guy laughed and left the bathroom. At which point the girl tried to unbuckle my pants and give me a blowjob. Much more awake now, which she was a little surprised by, I was stern with her and told her to unddress. She was physically smaller than me and the bathroom door was locked, so she did. We briefly had sex, prior to which I said 'What did you expect from this anyway?' She did not seem happy at the end of the event, and neither was I. That event in particular stayed with me, and I buried it deep down. My drug use continually got out of hand, as well as my philandering, until at age 17 I decided I needed to be celibate. Somewhere around this time, I had a drug-induced psychotic episode from which I recovered on my own, without needing to be hospitalized. After this point, I switched from using downers to uppers, particularly amphetamines and cocaine. Also around this time I quit cold-turkey the antidepressants I had been using for the past 2 years. I had multiple profound experiences with psychedelics as well, which I credit with restoring some degree of empathy with me - the basis for which I say this is that I began 'loving' my cats in a way I had not ever before, as well as no longer being satisfied in cycles of drug use and the accompanying compulsive lying and stealing. I have missed a fair deal of stuff, but this is the gist of it. It is perhaps also worth mentioning that as long as I can remember, certainly since the age of 10, I have had severe self hatred. There have been some suicide attempts, but not in a long time. I have been in therapy since age 15, but never took it seriously and often resented my therapists; I of course lied to them about almost everything. There are some other stories that might be relevant in regards to sexual affairs, in which some might consider me a victim, but I do not think they are important enough to share, as well as some stories of physical violence towards other people. I am, by all accounts, incredibly intelligent, as well as upper-middle class, and have a supportive family most other people would die to have, despite their general obliviousness (up until very recently). I am asking for help because I want to utilize the potential I know I have and that everyone has told me I've had my entire life. I've had enough fun for an entire lifetime, and most people would envy me if they knew how my life has been thus far. I am worried, however, that I will slip into my old lifestyle. I do not know how to proceed and my most recent year of everyday drug use, and the psychosis it caused at the end, has left me unable to socialize in the manner I used to, as well as find any joy in life. I am incredibly ashamed of the life I have lived, the choices I have made, and the person I was/am - the feeling is incredibly foreign to me. Please help.

>dumb violence >stupid stuff when horny >dislike of authority, petty rebellion >experimenting with drugs >all during ages 13-17 You're not a psychopath. You just went through puberty. >ashamed of your behavior during your teenage years Normal. Quit the hard drugs until you're old enough to do them responsibly and you'll be fine.

>>76660 Having grown up around arab youths it borders to a crime putting normal kids together with them. And it's certainly something that kept me on edge too. Not sure how much of that you had to deal with but if some sort of thug culture was prevalent then there's a good chance to come out of it a bit screwed in the head and acquiring some sort of sociopathy from it since that's often necessary to survive around animals. However you don't sound much like a psychopath who often don't have a good value judgement at all, especially in the emotional sphere. For instance are you calm during hectic or dangerous situations or are you internally or externally panicking or at least stressed? Regarding the concussion, undiagnosed they often can be lethal. Did you feel dizzy or did you puke in the following hours or days, do you remember? Other than that you just sound like the generic teenager who had and took the opportunity to live a party life in their youth. Many regrettable things happen that way but it is what it is now. Since you survived at least and don't seem to have gotten a lasting injury, disease or financial or legal hit from it there's no need to fret over it and just carry on the best you can. Find a good goal which can provide a source for motivation and the will to improve. Godspeed, you absolute madlad.

>>76663 There’s no doing hard drugs responsibly. Quit them for good OP. Also, this guys experiences are not at all normal puberty experiences. Most boys are not this promiscuous. Testosterone does not inherently cause violence and it’s extremely detrimental to men culturally to imply that it does. Most boys don’t do hard drugs either. OP my best advice to you is this. Quit the drugs, do your best to socialize without sexualizing others for a whole year or more. Once you can hold down friendships then consider a relationship later on where intimacy means more than sex. Cultivate your empathy for animals more and try to extend it to goos people in your life. It is a beautiful thing that you love your cat.

>>76660 >Am I a psychopath The answer is simple: if you can understand the point of view of others, then you are not. A psycho will stab someone to feel better because he was angry and he will not understand why it is a problem. >Am I a sociopath It's a lot harder to answer. Basically, if you have enough antisocial behaviors, yes. Hard drug, sexual harassment (the real one) and violence are. The anon above me is right, switch to light drugs at worse, weed or psychedelics and never worse. Nothing good will ever come from this. Ideally get clean. Now that you aren't a kid and you aren't forced to be with some people, quit violence as well. There is no reason to resort to that. Consider that you had your wild years and know that it does not fit an adult who is responsible for himself. Alternatively, become a junkie, never have a stable job and fuarrrk crack whores. The choice is yours.

anon dont listen to these retards who act like you dont know your own situation. simply assess yourself in different areas of life and improbe them that is what potential for growth really is and dont associate with the weak minded

How old are you now?

>>76665 I definitely puked afterwards and maybe again the next day - I might’ve lost consciousness but I think only very briefly. I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t get taken to a doctor, maybe I didn’t look too damaged visibly. Regarding stress and panic, I often feel that way in a lead-up to a situation that I think might require it, but once I’m in a dangerous situation I am generally quite calm. I recall being more stressed not being able to find my cat than anytime I’ve been in a fight, or jumped, or raped, or interacting with a violent (likely schizophrenic) drug dealer. I think I’m fairly calm most of the time. My mom says she thinks I’m ’performatively nonchalant’, I don’t know how true that is. >>76663 I definitely should’ve included: at age 16 I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (although honestly that shrink was a retard and I don’t know if I agree) and was told I also had delusions of grandeur. On the one hand, yes my experiences are not uncommon and I’m no different in many senses to anyone else. On the other, I am told (increasingly so as my drug use visibly spiraled out of control) that I am different from the vast majority of people. >>76668 This is good advice I think, but I seem (at least recently) to be unable to properly socialize without being intoxicated. I’m not brain damaged enough to realize people find interacting with me confusing and off-putting (my former manager at work refused to ever make eye contact or small talk with me, but would with everyone else, for instance) - but I am damaged enough I suppose to not be able to fix this issue. It’s odd, I realize now (and this didn’t used to be an issue for me at all) to other people my body language, reception of social cues, cadence and enunciation of speech are all abnormal, but they sound fine to me in my head. Occasionally I have mild hallucinations (audio and visual) particularly when I haven’t been sleeping that make it hard to interact with people normally as well. I think I might have gone on a tangent there, but thank you for the advice. I will do my best. When my cats die I’m not sure what I will do - I don’t remember feeling attachment like this before lol. What a world. >>76669 I think completely clean is the way I need to be, at least for a long time. Psychosis was truly terrifying, and I’m worried weed or psychedelics will trigger that again. I think I’ve fuarrrked up the various replies in this but I can’t be bothered to fix it, I’m sorry, my computers dead and I’m on my phone. I appreciate the responses, sincerely. I’ve missed being on lainchan lol been a while. >>76693 Also, I’m 24

>>76713 In some ways, you kinda remind me of me OP, in some ways not. I am 25 and pretty certain I had undiagnosed ADHD all of my life which now makes sense. The disorder amplifies certain emotions, I sometimes blurt out or reveal too much to people too early, I am pretty much spaced out 24/7 and don’t give a soykaf about following rules or taking part in life accordingly and live in my own little world or perception of reality hence unlike you I did poorly in school. As a kid I always had good intentions and was naturally altruistic like a dumb happy dog but having a strict ignorant father who beat and berated me everytime I made a mistake took a toll on my mind. Boohoo. Then came my exposure to other people and society as I grew older into adulthood, the damage my father already done created a negative feedback loop in my mind but I never understood why normal people including family have to be cruel up until recently. I also did a variety of hardcore and soft drugs but started in my late teens when I could afford them, I was never offered or forced to do it, it was all from my own desire. I did pretty much every single mainstream drug there is including heroin. I never got psychosis thankfully somehow but I got bored with drugs for recreational purposes and picked my favorite for functional use. Being ADHD, amphetamines became my top choice. Anyway, these days like you, I am able to stay calm in extreme situations, the only time I cried and showed emotion was when I had to put my dog down. Even my mother mentioned I’m stoic and appear emotionless. Normal social butterflys find me scary and intimidating and thug/wannabe thugs get insecure and try test me. I think I could easily murder a person and butcher them then sleep well afterwards but luckily I don’t have those urges or compulsions

>>76713 >at age 16 I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (although honestly that shrink was a retard and I don’t know if I agree) You could see another shrink and see if the ASPD diagnosis holds up. To my knowledge, a lot of people who are diagnosed ASPD as a teen end up not meeting the diagnostic criteria for it when they grow up.

>>76721 in general second opinions can be worthless because doctors look up patient record and just agree to avoid making trouble for themself. In other words you would need to go anon and ensure he has no preset bias to make it even worth.