let it all out 7#

last thread is full, so heres a new one

I just realized that there is a part of me that wants me to think that i still havent integrated into normal personlife, that wants me to believe that i dont actually have friends and that i still havent become a person thats actually a core friend and not just some person in the fringe of someones circle. I was going to a student bbq today but when i went there i found no student bbq. When i looked up the organizers facebook and instagram i actually found no evidence of there being a bbq today. Were the posters i saw at school fake? Was it a hoax event? Why didnt any of my friends tell me of this? Some even said they would go to the bbq. Was it cancelled at last minute or something? I dont use messenger or facebook so info doesnt reach me that fast, i rely on word of mouth or my friends telling me of stuff i should know. I dont know what really happened but i noticed how quick i got the idea of my friends knowing that the bbq didnt happen and didnt tell me. Ive never been more surrounded by friends i cant trust these last 3 years yet i still immediately got the idea of them betraying me and not valuing me as a real friend. It should be rediculous really but i cant leave the thought alone.

>>7603 There is a girl (well, for me it's rather "there was a girl", or "there used to be a girl"). She was the most clever, beautiful person I ever met. I met her when I was 14 and not so interested in having a girl or girls in general (I watched pr0n, but having a gf wasn't an interesting thing for me). When we first met she tried to make friends with me and I was just like "whatever, girls are boring". After a while when I grew up she had a boyfriend who also happened to be my buddy so I gave up (bros before hoes etc.) Then she went to high school in UK, 3000 kilometers away from where I live. I have seen here like maybe two times since then. It's not like we have any contact, but we have common friends, so when she was in my city for summer holiday that's when we met. Now she is studying elite degree at best university in the world. I am sure she is surrounded with intelligent, charismatic, brave guys with expensive cars and muscles who will be famous people in future. At the same time I am studying CS at my university, I am rather good at it. The only scenario in which I can fight her back is when I build my own company, get senior position at Google or generally earn cash and advance my social status in short time. That's a minimal requirement. She's not the kind of girl you want to lure with money. She is well educated. I could be too but I chosen the CS path. I have other interests too, used to be interested in history, philosophy, literature, but still I am afraid that if I finally earn what I need she will still not be interested in me. She has lots of better boys around. I am not the type of man girls are crazy about. I am not even experienced in life while she has traveled whole world and had like 4 boyfriends. But what strikes me the most and why I decided to write this is that recently I have found her blog in which she writes letters to important people in her life. It's like: Dear M. You used to mean a lot to me. Can you remember when we ... lots of good memories here ... Thanks, XYZ She wrote about 20 such letters. I am not even mentioned in any of them. That's what made me sad. I realized that I have never played important role in her life and that I will probably never have a chance to do so. I would give anything to turn time back.

>>7606 >She was the most clever, beautiful person I ever met. You might say she is THE ONE, just keep on your mind there are many ONES. >At the same time I am studying CS at my university, I am rather good at it. The only scenario in which I can fight her back is when I build my own company, get senior position at Google or generally earn cash and advance my social status in short time. That's a minimal requirement. You should pursue success in life and get the girl as a side effect, not pursue it because you want to get the girl. The different is subtle, but fundamentally important.

>>7606

I don't know why I have so much hatred. I can't do anything besides play old video games and vape. Even drinking alcohol or coffee sets me off these days, or eating the wrong type of food. Ever since the "refugee" crisis happened in Europe roughly three years ago, I've just sank into a sublime rage and I have nothing but contempt for Muslims and most white people (who I feel are too passive/pussified to save themselves). The Muslims are a bunch of sadistic, rapist chimps who have raped and enslaved white women far more than we have ever done to them, and everyone on the internet is like "Yeah, whatever. Just let it happen. Fact of life." If this wasn't the case, you'd be hearing all of these accounts and stories about our people enslaving Muslims and raping their women, but you don't. Why? Because none of that ever fuarrrking happened. I'm just sick of those animals. Maybe I am wrong, but I can't find any way out of this. I want to be wrong, but I'm not. It has to end, but I think that it is going to end with us, and those monkeys will rule over Europe with their newly acquired harems. My mind has just fallen into stagnation. I have no energy to do anything, or to even be interested in anything anymore.

>>7606 > I am sure she is surrounded with intelligent, charismatic, brave guys with expensive cars and muscles who will be famous people in future What she is probably surrounded by is nerds buried in their studies (nerds in the original, 80s sense and not people who just collect comics and play vidya).

Recently I cant hear cause both my ears are plugged with wax. Happens to me sometimes cause my ear canals are curved strangely apparently. Im gonna go get them flushed but ive kind of been enjoying being semi deaf. I can still listen to music and hear people up close but the quiet has brought my brain a lot of peace.

>>7611 This is pretty fash but w/e i'll engage. I just want to say the people leaving these places really are refugees. They came to escape a lot of the barbarism you accuse them of. I'm not saying Islam doesn't have some retrograde elements but there are two things to consider. 1. We (westerners and especially americans) really fuarrrked with that region politically and militarily so we kind of owe it to them to clean up our own mess and provide some non intervening aid. 2. Our house, our rules, if they want to come they should be able to but they ought to follow some basic rules of conduct. If they don't follow they get punished just like any other person and i promise you they will get the point. This is a gross dehumanizing comparison but if a dog can learn how to act certainly any person can aswell no matter how savage you think they are.

>>7618 I admitted what I said because I don't like hating anyone. It is toxic, but sometimes it is necessary. Some of them are refugees, but a lot of them aren't. I can't tell who is or who isn't, but a lot of them came over to Europe to subvert it, or at least to get free money/a better life. If it was just the latter, then I wouldn't be so hateful, but white countries are not charities, and we don't exist to act as such. As for your points: 1. True. I don't like our support of Israel, either, or the wars. But we should be helping them in their own countries, teaching them how to improve their livelihoods without all the "multiculturalism" bullsoykaf. All of what has happened so far has made things worse for everyone. 2. They don't follow our rules, though. And they get away with it, or they get sent to a cushy day care center for brutal murder or rape in the case of Sweden, Germany, or even England and France. A lot of these countries are giving them very light sentences for very heinous crimes, if any at all. A white person who commits the same crime, though, never gets away with it and gets a very heavy sentence. You get sent to jail just for covering it or talking about it, in the case of Tommy Robinson. How are we supposed to react when this soykaf happens? And it isn't just a few individuals; these are thousands of individuals who do this on a daily basis and we are just letting it happen out of our white guilt, when in reality we've never raped Muslim women to any serious extent, and they've done that to ours all throughout history, and now. I'm sorry, but I have a right to be angry about it.

>>7611 Yeah suck it wh*te pig, the KARA BOGA will destroy your pathetic race who never had a chance.

>>7620 Not him but the very idea of helping from your standpoint implies western ideals are universal and what the west considers "good" is good for all. At a point in time slavery was considered "helping", white mans burden. I'm not sure how things are in europe though. You have a right to be angry about whatever you want to be. It's hard for me to understand because in America a kid can shoot up a school and be out in 20 years and another kid the same age with darker skin can kill one person and get the death penalty. And yet people say what you are saying about your country is true for america, because both sides only ever see the worst news from the other side from what I can only imagine is some kind of intentional division tactic. So when you say that they simply get sent to a cushy day care and this is true for the majority I don't know if you are telling the truth. I'm not saying you are or you aren't, I simply don't know because most people that i hear say these things here aren't.

>>7635 >Not him but the very idea of helping from your standpoint implies western ideals are universal and what the west considers "good" is good for all. The way I read it, his idea of helping comes from the fact that refugees are choosing to come here in the first place. You can't have it both ways, You can't come to the West in search of a better life and then reject the culture and laws that make our civilization superior.

>>7620 >2. Very light sentences for very heinous crimes This is a talking point I often hear when right-wingers want to justify anti-immigration policies. From what I can see here in Europe, our prisons are still mostly filled with people of african or arab descent. When I ask for evidence that immigrants are getting away with rape or murder, all I get is suspicious breitbart or dailymail articles. And in most cases, it turns out that they do not "get away with it", they just disappear altogether (not hard when you basically have no papers or any identifying documents on you) or the justice system is taking a long time to process them. I will admit that I'm very not right wing, rather bordering on anarchist, but I'm very open to some evidence that white people (as in european natives) get harsher punishments that immigrants when committing the same crime. Racial profiling and discrimination is still a thing in Europe and the justice system is still biased against darker skinned people. I am sympathetic to your fears, but that is exactly why we need to have a realistic picture of the current migration crisis. We can not establish sound immigration policies based on the assumption that immigrants are raping people left and right with no repercussions whatsoever.

>>7637 That's why it's impossible to have a reasonable debate with anyone on the right these days. They have these sources that just pump out whatever fiction and fantasy they need to prove whatever they need to prove and their followers accept it as "fact". There is an air of skepticism in these times that the mainstream news is all fake, and that would be a positive development except that now every little faction thinks "fake" means whatever they personally don't like, so now they create their own sources that are just as full of shht.

>>7637 >in most cases, it turns out that they do not "get away with it", they just disappear altogether (not hard when you basically have no papers or any identifying documents on you) I think this is a fair analysis. >Racial profiling and discrimination is still a thing in Europe and the justice system is still biased against darker skinned people. I wasn't aware of it ever being a "thing". It's not surprising that young men struggling to get by in a foreign country with no stake at all in the society around them are more inclined towards crime. I'm not right wing either but I really really don't buy this whole narrative that everyone at every level of every white society are somehow overtly or subconsciously out to get coloured people. Yes, human beings are hardwired to treat other humans differently based on how close they are to "our" group. But that goes *both ways*. You speak of evidence, what evidence do you have that it is our justice system which is biased against dark skinned people and not that dark skinned people are more biased to committing crimes against whites and simply being punished for it?

>>7641 > I really really don't buy this whole narrative that everyone at every level of every white society are somehow overtly or subconsciously out to get coloured people. No one here said that. If you've observed cops in a large city ever though, it's pretty obvious that their baseline is one of racism.

>>7641 >what evidence do you have that it is our justice system which is biased against dark skinned people and not that dark skinned people are more biased to committing crimes against whites and simply being punished for it? That is a fair question. My personal opinion is that it is similar to what we observe in American cities: immigrants are policed more, so they are caught committing crimes more often, which leads to immigrants communities being further destabilized (for example if a father goes to jail, then the children might have to resort to making money on "alternate" markets (think drug dealing). It's a vicious circle which leads to even more policing, more mistrust between immigrant communities and cops. From where I live (Switzerland), I mostly see that in French "banlieues". When you combine segregated, cheap housing with no job opportunities and heavy police presence, it's no surprise we see an increase in crime. I think this is a form of willful obtuseness from right-wingers when discussing crime stats: the famous tagline "facts can't be racist". Almost no one will argue that raw crime statistics are false: they are, by definition, just data. The interesting and productive questions to ask are: why are crime stats they way they are ? How are they collected ? What bias could the way we collect these statistics could introduce ? Without context, you can really make data say anything.

Went to my first ever date today. It went pretty well. Just wanted to share

>>7648 > Just wanted to share No thanks, I'm not into sloppy seconds.

>>7643 But the implication of your original comment >>7637 is that European justice systems are biased against dark skinned people specifically. >>7642 >No one here said that. If you've observed cops in a large city ever though, it's pretty obvious that their baseline is one of racism. I think you missed the point. Why is it that only white cops are capable of racism?

>>7652 You probably don't live in a major city. Non-white cops are usually even harder on non-white citizens because they don't want to appear soft or sympathetic. You can talk in theory and hypotheticals all you want, this is what I've personally observed.

>>7654 Fine so your point is all cops are racist and the actions of criminals is irrelevant?

>>7636 He said helping in "their own countries" hes specifically against helping them in his.

>>7672 No... no one actually said that at all.

>this thread

>>7680 How about you stop telling me where I live and elaborate then?

I have no idea what the fuarrrk to do with myself. I've proven myself again and again worthless human trash. I seemingly have zero redeeming qualities. I fail at every single thing I do, be it study, work, or interpersonal relationships. No wonder I barely have any friends at all. And no job. And no gf anymore. I broke up with her because things were going downhill pretty badly, I'd known it was due to my incompetence but now I can see I'm simply not cut out for this soykaf, simply because I'm really just a load on anyone with nothing to offer. I'm broke, emotionally unstable, incompetent for work, damn stupid, and my mind is a fuarrrking storm that I can't for the life of me calm down for a fuarrrking second. I'm surprised at how worthless I am, and I'd filled myself with delusions of grandeur, thinking I'd be able to make it and now the whole weight of reality comes down on me hard. My friend who's renting me a room also helped me build a very inflated image of myself, and also conrbuted to my ex having the same inflated idea. My ex was the first to see through my bullsoykaf. I am glad I'm not a load to her anymore. But now I'm left wondering what the fuarrrk can I do /at all/ being a worthless waste of human being that I am. Could go and say "work hard" and "study hard!" but I can't seem to do that. As for the study part, it seems like the storm in my mind won't let me see through a single topic and I'm too stupid to do anything anyway. Even if you follow along the book, it's all a passive endeavor and when it comes to do things by myself I've proven incapable again and again. What then can I do? I suck at social relationships, I have zero skills, there's really nothing good at all about me and I don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying for years, I'm not kidding. I can try and overcome one or two things, fuarrrking hard as it would be, but in the end the sheer volume of my incompetence will once again bring me back to the point where I have nothing at all. I don't want to end up in misery yet I can't seem to shake off my bad qualities and character flaws. I really don't want to end up miserable. Perhaps I should just accept I'm dumb soykaf and stop thinking I'm more than I really am and just get a job as a waiter and never think ever again about anything else at all. I really can't seem to overcome my flaws, and I don't know what to do about it.

>>7681 tell me about it. any time that people vent it ends up like this. give people opportunity to vent and they will do it endlessly--complexities of their individual lives that nobody else really cares about but them. maybe they think they're being profound, maybe they think that someone will read it and pity them, maybe they think somebody actually cares. but if everyone is so worried about venting about their problems, who is left to actually care? nobody is, and as a result it just becomes a microcosm, displaying the worries of individuals but providing no parable beyond their own experience

>>7688 You're the one putting words into people's mouths: >>7672 while I just made an educated guess that you don't have much lived experience with the subject matter. If it needs to be spelled out, a black kid with an axe to grind against whitey is not likely to grow up and join the police force to vent his frustrations. He'd probably choose some other path. The ones who do become cops feel a lot of scrutiny from their coworkers not to sympathize with their own people in the street.

>>7614 (nerds in the original, 80s sense and not people who just collect comics and play vidya) So nerds and not geeks, to be pedantic. >What she is probably surrounded by is nerds buried in their studies This might not be true these days, unless its stem maybe. Anyway >>7606 let it go, focus on your own life. About a week ago i worked up the guts i to chat up a cute girl, it went pretty well all in all, i obviously didnt push for a date or so since we just met. Now i keep hoping i see her again, it kind of ruins things a bit. Since i talked to her i felt a desire to chat up other girls too, but i never really know what to say. Today i saw a really adorable one with her friends, i even had a chance once to talk to her, but i let it slip as usual, not that i knew what to talk about anyhow. I want to go to the beach and force myself to just talk to girls somehow, since the time where girls approach you is over i just have to do the initiative. Sadly my social circle is a sausage fest and i doubt any of them are perceived attractive, including me. This is really eating me up inside, im so tired of seeing what im missing in my life, maybe i could be happy if i had someone to hold, probably not however. All i want is a nice girlfriend for once just to know what its like. On the brightside i made good progress with a project of mine which sure made me happy and i made lots of potential new friends, even if only male. And i get a chance to leap into the lake which i had waited for a while now, hoping i can take a friend with me but im not sure.

>>7692 >You're the one putting words into people's mouths: >>7672 >If it needs to be spelled out, a black kid with an axe to grind against whitey is not likely to grow up and join the police force to vent his frustrations. He'd probably choose some other path. The ones who do become cops feel a lot of scrutiny from their coworkers not to sympathize with their own people in the street. You're saying white cops are racist because they're white and non-white cops are racist because they want to fit in. That's pretty much what >>7672 said. What I'm asking you is, why is it that the cops are racist and the criminals aren't? Have you considered that instead of racist cops, non-white citizens simply commit more crime and cops are just reacting to that because stopping crime is their job? I'm not saying it is or it isn't. Just pointing out that the fact that it never crossed your mind and you keep pushing this left narrative that the police or white people are the blame for everything shows you're not as rational or independent minded as you think you are. I specifically reference this >>7638. Accusing the political right of grounding their ideology in false premise. The above shows how the political left does the exact same thing.

>>7695 Who the hell said I was a leftist?

A venting thread? I went through some of the old threads here and it feels like my posts have been deleted. Or maybe I don't remember what I've posted? Who cares. I do feel a lot better, I've been researching the topics that have been eating me up emotionally and gaining a deep sense of satisfaction from it. The more I learn and understand the less terrible I feel and the less I rant and rave about things. It's a good feeling. Oh, yea, my ThinkPad should be at my house next week, can't wait.

>no dad >abused all my life by my step dad >mom hates me because I remind her of her old partner >ran away >abandoned my half siblings >homeless >starved >changed my name and ended up being taken in by a youth service It's been three years now. I haven't spoken to or seen my siblings since. Didn't even say goodbye. I think about them every day. I wonder if they think about me at all. I still have nightmares. I'm still depressed and guilt ridden. I can barely function at all. Anyone else here permanently broken?

>>7696 >Who the hell said I was a leftist? You think your actions and words don't define your political stance? You're definitely on the fuarrrking Left mate.

>>7689 I know a lot people who feel they have the same problem as you, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're crazy or anything of the sort, but I think therapy would be beneficial. Mostly to get yourself out of this self-deprecating view of yourself. That's honestly the first step to self improvement and overcoming those flaws we have as humans; telling ourselves our flaws wont define us, and we can do better is good. Also don't let the past, your experience with delusions of grandeur keep you from puffing up your chest and telling yourself you can do your pwn personal best. There needs to be balance, it's ok to say you're great and doing your best, but courage must be paired with humility.

I have caught a lot of feelings for a girl in my life, who is dealing with Bipolar disorder. I like her because she's mature, and attractive, and unique. However a lot of the other people surrounding us are not at the same level of maturity as her. It takes a toll on her, as there is a lot of drama surrounding it; we watched a friend pass out in front of us due to smoking to much weed, and we thought it was a complication with her medication, we don't know, but it looked like a seizure, and at the time she was tripping on a small dose of LSD, so it caused a lot of panic, and a large manic episode. That surprised me, because it wasn't her, it didn't feel, speaking through her, it was more the mental illness in my opinion. I think I'm lucky in a way, I guess, because we're relatively young, and she gives me chances to grow, and experience new perspectives, and I really like her, so I'm happy.

>>7707 According to you.

>>7721 Wow, sick burn bro You were bullied in elementary I assume?

>>7704 Damn, that's terrible Hacker, I'm so sorry. Often, those who are hurt and in a position of power will project their pain externally; it sounds like this is exactly what happened with your mom and step dad. If you keep thinking about the family you left behind, I don't blame you, it's only natural, but it's important to keep in mind that a lot of the bad things that happened to you are not your fault. You shouldn't feel guilty about your family because you had good reasons to want to get away. It's unfortunate your took such a hard turn after leaving, but it sounds like you're starting to get back on your feet. Don't beat yourself up too much, just do your best to make your future better and I'm sure things will end up okay.

>>7724 Thank you for the really kind words. I'm doing my best to let go but I had a bit of a soft spot for those kids. I feel like a horrible older brother for leaving them. They weren't abused like I was and I worry they won't understand why I randomly disappeared. I try to keep my head up and I enrolled at uni. It's hard managing the study and trauma at the same time but hopefully it means my future isn't as bleak and that things end up okay as you say.

every time i go home after college I waste about two weeks doing nothing but video games. My mind is thinking of nothing else but what im playing. However changes take place inside me and after those two to three weeks i get bored, irritated, and ready to start doing things again. I realized its me processing whats going on. Last semester a lot of drug problems, and situations that I should have reacted more too but was numb. However a really great friend, without her I feel I may have just given up. I feel invincible, literally nothing can hurt me. I dont know whats happened, it must be tripping balls so much and my brains finally just processed all those trips. And that friend of mine, we only work to uplift ourselves in eachother. If I could pick a teammate to take on the world with shed be the one. Shes very straightforward, cold, and focused. Im the opposite. And I've taken some of her, I dont know if shes taken some of me, and its like now ive come together finally. Even when she leaves il still be like this, we both know people are temporary and don't get unreasonably attatched. I realize its possible to love someone without becoming dependent on them, or giving up your mind to them. I realize no matter where you put me im smart enough to make it work. I realize how many little things that plague and distract peoples minds I simply dont care about. I have so much less problems then most, because I can see problems for problems. I know when im getting in a twist about something in my head now and when its serious. I also feel like somethings died. I feel a bit dark, I catch myself saying scarily apathetic things more often. I catch myself being the person of power in relationships, which doesnt feel good for me as a submissive person. I catch myself not caring who stays and who leaves. I catch myself doing what it takes to get results, while before id challenge myself to find obtuse solutions to problems. I quite literally feel like god. I can do anything my body will let me. Yet im strangely detatched from it all. Ive learned to use my brain, learned to work around it, and when I want something given some time it will find away. I dont feel good and I dont feel bad, and ive never felt this equilibrium before. Its always been extremes. Yet I also feel like im in some kind of hell world. Its just that I could be in a nightmare terror land and be okay.

>>7729 Oh I forgot to mention I was also deaf for the past three weeks. Minor medical problem, fixed now, but it gave me an extended period of pure silence. It was frightening but amazing.

>>7727 It's important to remember your feelings are natural and are emerging because you didn't have the opportunity to properly say goodbye. But no matter what they may think of you, I'm sure you'll have a chance to reconnect with them in the future if you keep pushing on. It's great that you're enrolled in uni, you'll have a much better shot at success if you can go through with that. Your future may not be easy, but if you work hard to improve yourself and the world around you, then things will work out. Keep up with your studies and do everything you can to overcome the trauma of your past; like I said, it won't be easy, but your future is in your hands. And I'm positive your siblings will recognize the changes you've made years from now when you've worked so hard, and it'll make seeing them again that much better.

>>7733 Oh, and one more thing: I'm proud of the effort you're giving. Considering everything that's happened to you, you're doing great and I know you'll do even better in the future. Always hold on to hope.

>>7733 >>7734 Thanks for the encouragement and thoughts. You bring a lot of warmth to the thread. I'll remain hopeful.

I graduated high school today. If I could, I would turn back time and do it again in an instant. Why? Because for my whole life up to this point I did essentially nothing. While others were out connecting with each other, making mistakes, going places, and doing, I was sitting alone in my room, browsing the Internet. I was convinced for most of my life that the majority of people I talked to hated or disliked me, and consequently made every effort to avoid contact with anyone - I reasoned that if they didn't like me, I was doing everyone a favor by being as unobtrusive and invisible as possible. I came to think of myself in a harsh light and, as time progressed, began to see other's indifference towards me as proof that they hated me. I was a retard. I wish I had known that rather than hating me, most people generally didn't think about me at all, precisely because I never made an effort to stand out. I realize now that people generally enjoy my company if I only make the effort to talk to them. That's all I had to do. So yeah, while I have a diploma and a 4.0, I've pretty much wasted most of my life and stunted my own growth as a person. Deliberately. If anyone else has ever felt like I did, snap out of it. People are nicer than you think. Give yourself some credit and most of all, open your mouth. You might fail if you try at something, but failing is infinitely preferable to never growing at all. Also the beach boys are better than the beatles.

I'm just unable to care about anything. I'm unable to let go of my Chuunibyou ways. I want to believe that there's some 'divine' purpose out there, that I actually matter. I bought a dagger last week, it was supposed to be my ticket out of this boring life and into another. I don't mean suicide, though that's been on my mind too. I don't r=know what I expected, but nothing happened. All I do anymore is waste what little money I have on games and browse the internet. The only place where I can let out my true feelings is here. Why am I so fundamentally broken?

>>7617 That happened to me once, but only in my right ear. it was super annoying, since my left worked fine.

>>7648 Good job lain

>>7691 The thread is called "Let it all out." Don't act like you didn't know what you were getting into. Besides, some of them are interesting to read.

>>7753 I spend my time in my room on the internet because most people bore me. It's a personal rule of mine to only talk to interesting people.

>>7761 I understood what I was getting into, it just seems like every vent thread on any media becomes the main topic of discussion because people would rather talk about how bad their life is, and primarily themselves, than engage in a discussion of some kind. It's worth trying to break the cycle but the cycle keeps going whether or not you reply to them. If only people were as focused with discussion as they are talking about themselves, I probably wouldn't care that much. That being said, I realize people don't vent to be replied to necessarily.

the new kanye album perfectly syncs up with my feelings right now, i've never felt an album so hard. I dont agree with his recent comments but I cant deny art. This soykaf just puts me in a weird apathetic serene mystical ocean dreamland afterlife, thats the best i can describe it.

>>7753 Vasya, it could be far worse. I graduated high-school in 2014 and have squandered four years of my life on nothing. I've let my brain rot, drank too much, smoked too much weed, and never really made any real connections. I was a bitter, angry person for four years after you have already snapped out of it. Hell I know people that have been running in the same place till their late twenties and early thirties. I hope you realize that you have a very good chunk of youth ahead of you and I hope that you spend it well. Also, I appreciate your post. Really rings some bells and has given me extra encouragement to fix my life up.

Had a chance to lose my virgnity but couldn't get it up. Kill me

>>7758 Just because you deviate from the norm doesn't mean you're broken. If you feel like changing try to do that, little by little, one day go for a walk in the sunshine, or another buy a book instead of a game. I hope you can find something to care about anon.

>>7691 I care. Even if it's little, just a kind message reply to someones post, I hope it brightens someones day.

I lived with my closest friend that I've known since I was 8 for a couple months. He ended up extorting me for money, lying about bills, I overheard him planning to kick me out (I paid as much rent as him but wasn't legally there), and to top it all off, the last time I saw him he lost control and smashed his alcohol bottle then came up to me with the sharp glass and said "I'm going to beat your ass". My other roommate helped me and verbally forced him back to work (it's admirable really how he forces people without touching them). I had to call the police since he said I was lucky he didn't have his gun, which he left at his work. He now is faced with a 3rd degree felony if convicted. His girlfriend's best friend advised them to not communicate with me at all. I'm at the point where I need him to know what he did wasn't ok. I've gathered some evidence and am very tempted to submit it before the prosecutor screens the case. He didn't care if I went homeless, he used me for money including extortion, and he threatened aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. But for some reason people say I should give him a pass, which I would've if he showed any remorse and attempted to correct his violent outbursts. I'm at a loss.

>>7804 if he did not show remorse, and you do not sue, and his personality is of the type you describe - he will consider you his bitch ever after, and the situation will certainly repeat.

>>7805 You're correct except I don't think we'll hang out on purpose again. It may happen again, but certainly not to the extent if we still lived together. I've now been legally homeless for 7 days but I'm trying to make arrangements somewhere. I've decided I'm going to submit more evidence within the hour.

Did another one of these stupid tests https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/depression/a-test-for-depression/ >A score of 17 or more indicates you may need to seek professional help >You scored 57 Maybe I should get some help

>>7805 >>7806 Apparently Utah, United States police don't accept texts as evidence.

>>7815 Also pisses me off that every secretary or law person assumed I'm the suspect and not the victim. Meninists are needed

There are so many things wrong with me. Or, atleast that's how I see it. I'm almost certain that I am bi, first off. I've got a weird fetish, second off. But those are quite mild if I think about it. A lot of people are bi, and a lot of people have weird fetishes (not illegal or gross). It gets worse as I continue down into my brain. I'm pretty sure I'm a high functioning autist, I'm diagnosed with MDD (with no meds), addicted to nicotine to compensate for lack of meds, I have some form of MPD constantly happening inside of me (pretty sure I'm just some tulpa the real me has created to get through life or some bullsoykaf). I hate my job, dealing with people all the fuarrrking time, always asking for a fuarrrking sandwich when I have to clean up and leave. fuarrrk. My brain is always going, always something phylisophical or stress inducing. Nicotine suffices, to quiet my mind and relive me of stress. Weed works better but kills my already failing social skills. DXM for when I'm suicidal and need to not die today. I've always told myself that I'd kill myself from drugs or with a rope before I die of natural causes. I see the fun in living when I can work on my hobbies (programming or music) but I never have time or peace to work on them. Life will end anyways so what is the point in it all. I told my closest friend as I was writing this that I was gay, and nothing changed. Life is just and endless cycle of nothing productive. I prepped for like a week to come out to like three people, and nothing came of it. I don't know what I was expecting really. Maybe my friend that I have a crush on will instantly fall for me. That's very unrealistic. There is no point in anything really. Why am I writing this? I thought it was so I could lay out what I really thought was going on in my head because I had the opportunity. Therapy does nothing, only told me what I know and recommended soykaf to do fuarrrking nothing 'clear my mind'. No one will really understand me anyways. I thought about running. Running with a pack of cigs, camping gear, and a solar panel into the woods to live until I die. It would be nice, living off the land and not having to worry about society or anyone, just myself. I can hunt and am handy with random soykaf. I wouldn't be doing anything worldly than I am down here, making fuarrrking sandwiches for the next New Yorker who thinks he's better than everyone else. Maybe my mind would clear. Maybe I would have a better understanding of what happens up there. Maybe I would be able to come down from the mountain understood. Though, I know that would niether be benificial on a large scale or realistic. I would be locked away in a mental camp. I don't know.

>have leftover thermal cooling paste >want to apply fresh amount on computer CPU >Remove cpu fan >CPU comes off, still stuck to fan >Oh shi.... >"fug it", try to put it back into socket >Don't realize there's a lever >CPU pins kinked >CPU is kill >have leftover thermal cooling paste >want to apply fresh amount on Playstation3 >rattle at the GPU chip slightly >the GPU is kill/needs to be "reballed" (don't have the tools >PS3 is kill Lain, I... Why am I so pathetic?

>Don't realize there's a lever

gotta study math..

>>7876 i might be more braindead than you, but can't you just kink the cpu pins back? or is that caveman thinking. how many pins are kinked? you could probably just jam a knife in there and carefully bend them back to being semi-straight. might take a little bit but if you're patient, maybe? there should be enough space in the pin holes that if they're not perfectly straight it'll still fit. you don't have anything to lose my dude, it might be worth a shot. worst case scenario a pin breaks off or something but the cpu was kill anyways, then you can add that to your list of failures and make the story even more funny

I've got this whole summer off and it is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Last year I failed to get into my preferred university program (GPA too low). I can apply again after taking more courses starting in the fall but I don't know if I have the talent or the discipline to perform better. On top of that all my friends have work, so I've been spending the last month or so at home doing absolutely nothing. I'm nineteen soon, have never kissed or had a girlfriend, and I'm really getting scared that I'm going to waste my life.

>>7876 >>the GPU is kill/needs to be "reballed" (don't have the tools Not necesarily reballing, but you can reflow it using a heat gun. I extended my fat ps3's life for like a year with a cheap heat gun.

>>7899 That is a normal way to feel. I felt that way when I was your age too. I realized I did not need anyone in my life to be happy, in fact, loneliness and the peace it brought me was preferable to intimacy. I had doubts about my abilities too, I decided to hunker down in my free time and read a ton of motivational books, leadership books, and science books especially, computers, biology and physics. I decided to go to a smaller school with a long standing and tight knit program that had lower costs and lower gpa requirements after being rejected by my first three college choices. I graduated recently, and I am still alone, and happy for it. I have a graduate degree in physics now and a few publications, working on finding work in industry because I am tired of the slow pace and lack of initiative in my experience of the academic setting. Feel like I have outgrown it. Anyhow, just keep going, dont get too upset if things dont go exactly as you plan. Life is a journey, how many journey's have you gone on that were straight lines? Another important question to ask yourself, who got you through all your previous challenges? who was it that came out on top? or if not exactly on top, at least still alive and moving on? who was it that decided to go to university in the first place? who started your journey, and who will carry it on? if the answer is not yourself, then I am not sure what else to say. :P Hope this helps.

>>7902 Thank you so much man. It means a lot to me for someone to read what I had to say and to take the time to, help me.

>>7899 Try not to sweat about not having a girlfriend or whatever at that age. It's perfectly normal, atleast where I live. I started dating in my early 20s, and didn't think there was anything weird about it, and neither did my first girlfriend or anyone else I talked it with.

How do I stop being so autistic on imageboards? I keep writing really over-thought replies where I'll draft it and go back over it a bunch of times thoroughly (in my head) deconstructing the post I'm replying to. Then I end up just starting arguments and derailing threads or just looking like an idiot for putting so much effort into replying to bait. Then it turns out I'm just being autistic and it was never a big deal in the first place. Am I just fuarrrked?

>>7930 Dont think about it. I cant think of any reason to be serious on an imageboard except in a real discussion. I think lainchan is an exception when it comes to serious discussion, tho. So just put your thoughts out there and hope for the best. You will never meet these people. These people have no effect on you. Why should we care of their opinions of us. So just do what u want and dont worry about it.

I'm bored and there is nothing to do. I don't feel an urge to do anything, and yet I want to do something. I'm reading the Little Schemer and practicing some instruments, but I can't do that all day. There is no good video game and i'm all caught up on my anime. My job is like kicking dead whales down the beach and idk wat to do on my off days. pls help

>>7936 How about finding a opensource project that needs developers? There are plenty of free games that could use some love.

>>7944 Where can i find these opensource projects? I've never looked and dont know where to look for those. That sounds like something I would want to do.

>>7946 places like github, gitlab and gitgud

I feel like I am trapped in some kind of victimization complex trap. I do not want to stand out but I am forced to because all my peers are fuarrrking pussies or too smart for their own good that avoid as much responsibility as possible. I do not like complaining so try not to bitch about dealing with soykafjobs that are not exactly my problem and keep it to myself. I do not even want credit but my superiors end up noticing me and favors me when it's convenient for them which should be a good thing but it actually is not because now I am somehow supposed to be goddamn leader of this soykafhead pack that needs to set up the standards. In reality I am just human being too and I would prefer it if everyone carry on their own weight FAIRLY but I know this system will not change because there will always exist some disposable retard like me. Is there any escape from this kind of mentality? How do I stop being saint and just responsible human being?

fuarrrk fuarrrking fuarrrk sake I had a great opportunity, a very random event happened and as always I have probably fuarrrked it all up. As always. So I went to my friend's birthday party which, just by accident happened at my 20th birthday. I met a girl, very nice one with artistic soul, we've got drunk and we started to hug and hold hands during the party (not in sexual way). Let's say that things where going pretty fast and after 4th beer (she drank the same amount of beer) it was 3am and I decided to walk her home. During this "journey" (it was like an hour, we had walked a bit and then driven bus and then walked a bit again). We've been hugging all the way until I decided to kiss her. It went impressively easy, she wasn't reluctant. We have kissed like 5 or 6 times before we stepped into the bus, I can't remember exactly. But what I remember is that when we kissed for 4th time I thought that she is touching my chest and my fuarrrking brain suggested me that it's in sexual way. I grabbed her butt xd (I was drunk, I usually don't act in such a barbarian way, at least when I am sober, used to be kissles virgin, now only virgin). She of course didn't liked that move and get out of my hands, we continued our walk as if nothing happened and after a while we have been kissing again. When we reached bus stop she gave me her phone number and then laid her head on my shoulder. A few minutes before the bus arrived she said she doesn't feel good and went a few meters away, it all looked that she is going to puke or something (4 beers), but I wasn't sure if she haven't been crying or refraining from crying so she wanted to be secluded from me by those few meters). When we get to the bus she was holding her head on my shoulder saying that she want to sleep and she is drunk but after a while she told me that she feels better now. When we stepped out of the bus we had a walk to her home. Now real magic happened. This kind of magic you never forget. When we reached her flat it turned out that she rents a block of flat in which I lived when I was a kid (first 9 or 10 years of my life). It seemed so unbelievable, my city has around 1 million inhabitants. I asked if I can go inside the flat. She agreed. It was fantastic, I haven't been in this place for 10 years, I've been constantly talking her things I remembered about this building and my past in it until we reached third floor. We went to her apartment which is exactly under the one I used to live in (I lived on 4th floor, she is renting 3rd floor apartment together with 2 other people since 2 years). I went inside her apartment, it was empty, her flatmates have been away. It had same layout of rooms as the one I used to live in childhood. It even had a big wardrobe on the corridor with which I had so many great memories. She thanked me for escorting her and told me she can check connections with night buses to my house. I was such a moron that I was still thinking that it might turn out to be sexual encounter and I took of shoes. I started to look around the apartment chatting with her. When I realized she no longer wants me to stay in her house and that she is really tired I said that I need to use bathroom (which was true). After that I put my shoes, hug her and said something like: "No goodbye kiss?" so she kissed me but I felt like I have forced this one. Maybe she just got sober, I don't know. After this I returned to my house which is like 10 kilometers from her's. In the meantime I asked random men I encountered to grab a high-five, I was so excited. I thought that I will just call her in a few days and we will start to hang out together. Also it was my first time kissing and I felt huge testosterone boost. I went to sleep around 6am. Next day I woke up with a hangover and I had to do lots of assignments for my university. The only thing I did on Sunday according my Saturday night escapade was sending her friend request on facebook (yeah, I use this soykaf, it's super popular in my country). She didn't responded yet. Today I called her, she didn't answered the phone. I don't know what happened. I feel like I could have freaked her out with this butt touching thing (I feel so embarrassed for doing this) and forcing kisses. I would like to have ability to chat with her and ask if have caused any trouble to her and then say that I am sorry and I didn't mean to. But on the other hand she didn't seemed very innocent, it definitely wasn't her first time kissing. I just don't know what to do, it seemed so marvelous at Saturday 6am. I will probably try to call her tomorrow and if she doesn't respond I will text her only once. I wanted to invite her for a tea. or maybe the problem is that she is 21 and I am 20 and in general principle it's believed that girl should't be older. I don't know. Sorry if I have done any grammar failures, but I have actually proven that I am a huge moron.

How does work a relationship which the two components of this synthesis have serious problems with dealing with people and, above it all, their own feelings? I've been into a relationship it's been around 1 month. It's marvelous, but at the same time, I feel like there's some kind of lack of communication between us. It's not like I don't trust her nor she trusts me, it's just of us have issues, and those issues are mostly consequences of the past; I believe that, due to that, there's a lack of a meaningful conversation and understanding between us. I am a depressed person, I don't know about her, but she once in a while tell me she "whishes to die" and things like that. I feel powerless because I don't know how to deal with that myself. The result is that both of us feel extremely depressed when this subject comes up, especially me. I want to help her. I want to help her because I care about her so much. But I don't think I am mentally able nor mature enough to do that. I feel like I am not older enough. It's one of my first relationships with someone, so I am still learning how it does work.

>>7953 I'm schizophrenic so you probably should just ignore me but dating with people who constantly tells you they want to die is bad idea. You think you can help them, you think you can understand them, you think you can save them because you care about them but it's actually your dick talking, detached from reality and what horror you are actually facing. If she threats to kill herself if you break up with her, rest assured she will survive it without you and will probably find another prey to partake.

>>7951 failing is ok if you learn from the experience

>>7954 this is a very negative view but not incorrect. voicing it like prey and such makes it seem intentional, it definitely isn't. People like this really feel like they want to die, if she did as you said as a scenario it wouldn't be to intentionally control it would be subconscious. When that happens the person really does feel like "if they leave il be lost and kill myself" but the reason they feel like that is their brain is trying to keep that person there. Not always but I think it's common and people on both ends of this experience usually agree with me. Suicidal people often are too smart, to the point where their own brain can outwit them in a sense if you catch my meaning. I see it as like a sort of strong brain that manipulates the perceived world around the conscious weaker brain to keep things in place. To that conscious brain it feels as if there is no other option, or the universe itself is against them. However what I really like is your usage of the word horror. >>7953 You dont know the danger your in. The things one could say to help this person you are not capable yet of saying. As you say you are inexperienced. Here is what I would do but you will have to be strong, however it will keep you safe and has the highest chance of making her change. I would say "I want to stay with you, but I don't believe I am helping you at all. You continuously talk about wanting to kill yourself, and I can't help but feel like i'm the problem". Something to that effect. If she tries to say no thats not true she feels so much better that your around etc. etc. explain "You can say that but that isn't how I feel", keep in mind that actions speak louder then words and argue from this perspective. That regardless of what shes saying or thinks is true, it's not how it feels. You really have to leave after this, you need to make it sound she can't have control. If you decide to do this and you go back she will be even more of a mess worrying you will leave at any moment. You have to commit to breaking up, and firmly take the stance that you are only making her worse regardless of what she thinks or says. Often times people like this can do for others what they can't do for themselves. She won't change until forced with a crisis, and you have the opportunity to not only give her that crisis but give it to her in a way that shows her how she can affect others. Its a gamble, she may just decide to hide her emotions forever to not drive people away. But I think it has the best chance for the best possible outcome. You won't see the results probably. If you think what im saying is stupid i'd still leave her. You yourself sound like someone with a fragile brain, me too, and you will learn that playing games like this isn't a joke. It might seem like a sad romance thing right now but you are in hell and won't know it till your out and stable.

Why did my friend successfully commit suicide when my attempt failed? fuarrrk, I can't even die right.

>>7960 because you are pathetic loser that fails at everything in his life?

>>7876 >>7900 this reballing is a conmans game it's never the solder that is bad but the wires contacts in the chip itself that bridge the outside contacts and IC you can test this by heating the IC a little bit but not enough to melt the solder balls under the IC which will usually do the trick to reconnect the wires The problem will persist and you will have to do this every 3 or 4 months but yea,... this is the usual problem with newer ICs, a preplanned time of death made through soykafty wiring

I want to learn stuff so bad. Self-learning is taxing but ultimately rewarding. I'm glad I started, and I hope I don't stop. I want to be an expert in a subject one day. I don't know what yet, but one day I'll have some expertise to share. I hope that's not a stupid goal to have. Knowledge should probably be its own reward, but I really like the idea of being able to share it. Not with retarded kids though.

>>7963 I can feel you so much, knowing things and sharing it means you are worth something, I somehow crave to be worth anything. >>7951 Lainons tell me what to do, I am going crazy. I haven't done second call yet as now I am more up to texting her than calling. Calling her twice would be somehow stupid.

>>7961 true

>>7965 how about u just dont call her? leave it be and have her approach. That seems like the non-creepy option. If she wants you, she'll try something. Don't seem desperate. Maybe wait a week or two and see if she calls. Then, after the two weeks, call and see if she want to do something. If she doesnt respond, take the hint. She may not even remember you if she was as drunk as you say.

I dont feel much of anything recently but I keep having thoughts and memories of a girl who liked me and I liked too. something happened and it got revealed to me she had anxiety around me, so then I developed a lot of anxiety around her. I always thought she was way beyond me. I eventually decided as much as I liked her and had never met somebody who I clicked with when we did talk, it wasnt going to happen. To many undiscussed things that I am not strong enough yet to bring up. Same for her apparently. It was so bad id not be able to speak, physically. To be fair we were usually on something but nothing too much, and id not be able to open my mouth or look at her. Shed look at me and id look away where before wed just smile. really interesting girl, I could never tell cause she had no accent but she was from ethiopia (and lived there for I think most of her life) and theres a whole host of things id love to hear about but never will. All I know is she had it rough, but I would have figured so anyways. sorry to say but id never met someone as smart as me till her. I dont even see intelligence as something to be proud of so its not supposed to be some kind of brag, its no different then being tall or something to me. but it is not often i get excited about conversations and really just am learning so much, and I was with her. she was really cute too, a very playful person. but i dont have to care if I dont want to. to be honest the issue seems too complicated for me, it seems like it will cause a lot of mental stress. because shes smarter then me I dont know what shes thinking. So I probably wont do anything, il just see it as unfortunate but inevitable. The fact is we cant talk, regardless of how much I like her or she likes me if we cant talk what can you do? But I know my friend thinks I should make efforts, but shes also a very relationship/lovey person so I take her advice with a grain of salt. I used to be too but I just dont really think it helps. Still, I dont know if I care too little, if this is a once in a lifetime thing that I should be trying very hard to make things good again and get in contact with her, or if im correct to think its really not important and id be wasting my time and being dramatic worrying about it. I just in general dont know if im becoming smarter (in a way that matters for my safety not for brainy discussion) or becoming a coward.

>>7970 Sounds cowardly, but sometimes cowardice is completely out of your control, particularly with anxiety. If you seriously can't open your mouth to talk to her have you considered other forms of communication? You can learn a lot about somebody from what they create, especially their writing. You spend time with this girl enough to pick up on her social cues but psychically can't speak words to her now? Sounds like a unique problem. For some reason you're worried about being dramatic, but continue to think dramatically. At the very least drama is interesting and people of "all intelligence" love drama, even you, supposedly-very-smart human. So get in contact with her and try to establish some actual drama instead of dramatic thoughts in your head. You will feel better in the end instead of your dodgy "i'd be wasting my time" mindstate now. Also, is English your first language? Just curious.

I'm gonna be a wizard soon.

>>7971 Yeah it is. Im sure im still very dramatic actually, im comparing to how I was before which for some reason I decided to assume was knowledge other people have. Before I would have gotten all mopey about this and made it this big thing and typed something way worse listening to sad music. But yeah I cant kill all the drama.

on the surface, there's not much wrong, but I still feel horrible all the time. I think of killing myself every night.

>>7972 How do you feel? I'll be there in few years

>>7979 I'm not surprised at all. I ended up here because I spent my whole life seeing myself as a loser. When opportunities came for something better, I deliberately acted against my own interests because I believed I didn't deserve it. I sabotaged my own relationships with others for the same reason. In short, I acted like a total retard and got a stupid prize for playing a stupid game.

>>7980 No, don't feel too bad. I'm 34 and I'm in the same boat. I even tried to have a decent life by getting a Master's degree (did obtain) and then a PhD (didn't obtain and quit after the first month). When I came back to where my family was in 2010 to take care of my mother who had cancer my life just exploded in my face, and I've never been the same since. My mother died in 2012 and my father was the very reason why my life is broken. Maybe I can get out of this and have a job and an enjoyable life (I do live alone, but I'm on SSI, almost no friends, little work history, broken family and unfortunately my father is still in the picture, recovering substance abuser), but I highly doubt that I will ever be in a relationship. Due to the constant abuse growing up, I can't attach to anyone and I'd be afraid of passing down the abuse to a wife and kids anyway. So don't feel too bad.

>>7980 I'm having some serious imposter syndrome or whatever going on right now for the same reason, I see myself as just not good enough even though at every turn I feel like I'm clearly doing better than most of the people around me. I got this offer to come in for an interview for a job in a city, and I'm desperately afraid of both going in for the interview, and also of what would happen if I got it. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I would either make an ass out of myself in front of people who know my friends in the interview. Or worse, I would get the job and go there for it and not be able to do it. Going there for this job would mean me ditching out of my last year of uni, so I could end up getting this job and dropping out, and then they realize I'm actually just a fuarrrking idiot dead weight for their startup with 0 experience. Then I would get fired and be totally fuarrrked with no job and no way to realistically go back to finish my degree. This same opportunity will probably be gone this time next year. And I'm just a fuarrrking idiot loser who is fretting over this even though I never emailed them like I told them I would. I never even scheduled the interview like I told them I would and I'm still desperately afraid of it and of embarassing myself.

Most people seem to have a career they want to go into, out of either passion or for money. I do not ever see myself having a job I can enjoy. I was surprised to learn that people even can enjoy doing a job of any kind, I have never had this experience and didn't even think it possible. I'm not sure why I can't force myself to enjoy work no matter what. I can't imagine a situation where I actually enjoy working, am I just fuarrrked? I don't really care about money beyond having basic needs met like food and shelter, but there isn't anything I'm passionate about which can earn money, and even if there is some way to earn money from my passion it's very unlikely that it would actually succeed. Will I just be depressed my whole life because I don't fit into the current model of how the world works? I think so, it feels bad. I'm not complaining about doing "hard work", just most people seem to have a dream job or something or a career goal they work towards that keeps them going through the hard parts, but I don't have that.

I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with me now. Ever since the treatment ended something inside of me just switched off and now I feel like isolating myself even more than I did before. I don't want to form any new bonds with anyone and I'm teetering between feeling content with my "second chance at life" and a desire to end it. I don't have any dreams or aspirations. I have no honest reason to be in school other than the fact that I like the routine. I can't concentrate on things as long as I used to, so self study is a bit harder. Maybe when the summer semester begins, I'll gain a sense of "purpose".

I'm starting to worry about forgetting my past. There's a very distinct point in my history where life went off the rails and I have a real fondness for the memories before that point. It feels like those early memories are the purest form of who I was and all memories afterwards are tainted. It's only natural to forget though and as time goes on I will eventually forget all the things which at one point in time meant the world to me. I don't even know why it hurts to think about, moving on is a good thing. I guess it kind of feels like a part of me is dying. A part which played a massive role in shaping me. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. At some point I won't remember any of it and my only frame of reference for the 'true' me will be a form that's already twisted.

I genuinely have fear that this thread is a NSA/FBI spying operation to help them better build up a better profiling report on the kinds of hackers/deviants that lurk here and their inner psychologies. This is a genuine fear I have, and I've read 3 books on criminology of hackers and profiling hackers, etc. I definitely think that this kind of thread literally plays into their hands and helps them to build up a more powerful form of data mining to take us all down in the future. I really feel this way deep in my soul, this is immediately where my mind goes, but everyone in this thread just doesn't seem to fuarrrkING care. Even though everyone on here is allegedly obessed with fighting the hellscape we live in and building up infosec. This drives me crazy, it drives me up a fuarrrking wall, why do people here do this? Am I just actually mentally ill to feel this way? Is everyone else around me just dumb as fuarrrk? I can't tell if my paranoia is justified anymore since nobody else seems to feel it in the same viceral way that I do. I feel really alone even in subcultures like this, like everyone here is larping and don't actually get what it is like to be engaged in our struggle.

>>7996 I just see Lainchan as a place for tech enthusiasts and sci-fi fans to gather. I will not say that you're mentally ill but it does sound like maybe you are obsessing over things too much. I do the same myself with non-tech topics myself actually, so I can relate in a sense.

I'm ugly as sin, have a bad personality, come from a poor background, don't have a good job, have poor social skills, and have no romantic experience whatsoever, yet I have the audacity to feel surprised when girls reject me.

>>7999 How old are you? I'm in the same situation, and what worries me is that it only gets harder the older I get

>>7996 To assuage your fears. The profile of deviants and the disgruntled has been well documented to the point that anything more is redundant.And who is to say that these lains aren't lying? Telling a whole lie or just putting a little of one in. Obfuscation can be just as good as not saying anything sometimes better. I would also be certain that they monitor the gateways to the points where people break off in belief from the mainstream and either try to control where you go or ridicule you into submission. So at the point Norman Edge gets onto 4chan he either soykafs the place up and astroturfs it the entire site is astroturf or he absorbs the good information and takes things further. Install linux, libreboots a machine, uses vpns, uses ARM, stops watching porn, etc. They have a profile of you before the break, and the underlying psychology of who you were then for baseline responses is the most important. Lainchan hasn't been tolerant to the paranoia or aggressiveness that the mainstream boards have fallen under lately although it doesn't seem like we'll be immune. For better or worse really; and for more reasons than one. The people here, who are terrible at infosec and are open about it will give the normalnigger response of "Lol they read my emails anyway what are you hiding?" Have a different fundamental worldview and response to fear; than you or anyone else who goes this far down the hole for intelligent discussion. You also have people here that are here to larp and want to play dress up and post pictures with diatribes to say they contributed. Which is fine, it keeps things interesting and fun. People who go and make changes happen aren't on imageboards dedicated to an obscure 90's anime. They're either really rich, well connected, or more interestingly have guns and people using them. I don't see lains blowing up banks and putting bombs in the mail for Lain. The world isn't that far gone yet,

>>8000 >>7999 your anxiety over your appearances, being inexperienced, is far more damaging then the actual lack of experience or whatever. that plus "trying" to get a girl or whatever. I doubt you guys even know what you are looking for exactly beyond an abstract concept and the social reward/acceptance of having a gf. If you just ask life for a popsicle it will hand you a frozen log of soykaf. i thought i was ugly/needy/etc. the real problem is i was just insecure and it shows. the insecurity was also preventing me from trying to look good and work on appearance so in a way I was ugly but didnt have to be.

Do any other lainons think too hard about life? I mean, sometimes you can't help but look around and realize how absurd everything is. It's a weird feeling. There's no narrative to anything it just is what it is. I can't help but just feel removed from everything. There's nothing authentic, everything is fake. Even I am fake. I don't even know how to properly articulate the feeling. There's just no point in even typing this. It's all just a purposeless void. People aren't meant to think about it too much. If you do, you realize how absolutely purposeless it is. It's not like I want to die but I don't really want to be alive either. It's like you're just watching people act on a theater stage or something. I can't even find a reason to type it all out because even if someone else does feel like this, it doesn't really matter, it doesn't really change anything. A close examination of the human state only serves to reinforce the assertion that there is no sincerity in any of it. I long for a place where people can be sincere and really connect with each other, but it's not something that I see happening in the reality that we live in. It's silent existential dread I guess. I never feel like I'm home anymore. People are temporal creatures, and I'm sliding away all the time. Some invisible barrier between me and everything else, even this text, even this screen I try to confide in. I wish that explaining this or relating somehow would make the feeling go away, but it doesn't. I just don't know.

>>8028 I don't consider it thinking too hard. Just a point of frustration. >There's nothing authentic The sterility you feel is something attributable to the consumer nature of our society. In appealing to everything it appeals to nothing. Universalist for the universal. You are however are probably not fake, engineered much like I most definitely. But believing everything is futile takes the soul and bleeds it bleak. Although ttruly things aren't going to get better, anyone self-aware and honest is aware of this and at best we can just talk about how aware we are anonymously out of paranoia and other reasons because people in real life don't care or can't comprehend whats wrong and why they should be concerned. But what one should note is that you try to make this heard. You write this text in the subconscious hope that someone will hear you through this electronic shout at nothing and comprehend. So you still have a desire to be heard, and probably responded too. The content of the communication is more important than the medium. It would be nice to meet some people from here at one point surely, but it is the best that can happen for as little effort as it is to be here. The feeling will never go away, you'll just change your reaction to it. Or you'll become preoccupied with something else in interim. Just remember that if you want a place where things are authentic as your describe you have to remember someone has to take initiative and be the first to act with blunt honesty and expect it others and do the same for sincerity.

>>7974 That just is like kicking dead whales down the beach, if you hang in there maybe it gets better. >>7979 Same, im sort of content with my life now, its heading in the right direction, except for my urges. Maybe i find a girl with some luck, but im not sure of that ends up well. Either way im going to have to try and learn. >>7988 Careers suck, i dont know many people who really love their jobs, what you really need is an ambition for something. Its not something that falls out of the sky, you need to look and think for what you really want in life, try new things that you are curios about. >>7993 I didnt go to therapy (assuming depression and co) but i made friends and started smoking weed, i feel better now but im in the same boat. Back when i was depressed i somehow felt like what i did back then was a way out, now i simply feel like my life is devoid of meaning, i know its not but i cant help but to feel apathic. From what i heard its a common thing, once you have been on the other side there is no going back. >>7996 Seems like a somewhat reasonable paranoia, but if we cant built a community and be honest with one another then they already won. We have to be able to speak freely now, even if they get us in future. Their terror rule is sustained by fear, we cannot allow that to get to us. Their paranoia sowing strategy will be the doom of us all, including them, but if we resist and not give we will survive and they wont. Let them know where they can to go and they wont get away with being the highest criminals there are. As for me, life goes well more or less for now. Recently i have told myself to change things a bit. A friend of mine told me to think positive and i try real hard to do so. Instead of risks i try to see chance and instead of loss i try to see things to change. In addition i generally try to take more control of my life, in particular my mental/spiritual states. Its hard since im a lazy fuarrrkup, but i try.

The only thing I feel now is hatred.

>>8028 I feel the same way. On the topic of relationships, especially frustrating are those painfully lucid moments while interacting with someone when I find worthless things that I really don't want to say at all leaving my mouth, and I become completely aware of how pathetically shallow I'm being. Acting precisely according to the person's expectations, their first impression of me, tailoring some kind of dull but completely agreeable personality, even when I can clearly tell that neither of us are looking for an interaction like that. I wouldn't even call it small talk; you can at least use that as an intro to a conversation or to find some basic information. Even if I morally despise people like this, somehow I can't help it in the moment. I keep doing it. But I rationally don't want to. I hate it and the person hates me for it as well. But they don't say anything about it, 'cause I guess they're being fake as well. As >>8031 has said >Just remember that if you want a place where things are authentic as your describe you have to remember someone has to take initiative and be the first to act with blunt honesty and expect it others and do the same for sincerity. and yet I'm naively waiting for someone to reach out to me because something stops me from acting 'real.' So much for meaningful connections.

Idk how to control my sexual desire and addictions. The biggest thing is if I wanted to stop I could but I dont want to. I do when im sitting here thinking before bed but during the day nah, I have moments of reflection like "you dont have to do this drug, you dont have to play vidya, you dont have to flirt with girl you know is emotionally invested in you and your not" but I still do it cause I think "actually i dont care though, im having fun". I dont feel any reward for beating off (no pun intended) these urges, its not like I feel accomplished when i do that. I actually feel regret like "damn that woulda been fun". Hmm but obviously part of me wants to stop or this would be a non issue. What id really like is to control. To be able to do without succumbing, I guess is that why people plan times and soykaf? Ive never done that, ive never had schedules for anything. I imagine if I was like you can take this many drugs this week it might be easier to be in control? Or used them as incentives. Is that in general how people handle this soykaf? They reward themselves with it? Cause I can get addicted to any simple instant pleasure, anything. Even people can become addictive for me.

>>7995 This is great post. I had similar thoughts recently. I have read once that during our life not even a single cell is alive whole time. They die and are regenerated. This technically means we are constantly dying and reincarnating. Maybe I misheard it, maybe it was't that way, I don't remember. >>7996 Can I have titles of this books, please? >>8001 I have to start putting bombs in the mails for the glory of Lain. >>8076 This matches so good with your generated nickname. Please be gentle with cereals >>8028 >>8081 >Only_Shallow.flac Used to be thinking a lot this way back in the days but it passed away. I just don't care now, you can't change people. The saddest thing is that I have not found ones with which we could be 'real' to each other. I crave real human connection.

>>8095 I'm a very addictive person too. I've found that the best way to control yourself is to control your access to these things you want to limit. I find my urge to masturbate is much lower when I'm sleeping in the same room as another person. I limit the availability of certain drugs to myself. I structure my day so that I have few chances to slip. Deciding to quit something is a *big* decision, and you'll probably relapse, but you have to keep trying afterwards if you really want to kick the habit(I know it's so easy to think "well I'm just gonna start doing it again later anyway, might as well do it now", DO NOT give in to that thought)

>>8103 im the sort of person who will inhale computer duster or drink delsym when i limit avilability. and will go to the bathroom to jack off if someones in the room with me. if I dont have cigarettes il find cigarette butts and smoke those. There is many things I dont bat an eye at doing today that not even a whole year ago I wouldnt have even thought of. Just today I did some things I likely will never ever tell anyone, at no harm to anyone but myself, but so degrading I just have a hard time even telling myself I did them. I truly think I am the lowest ive been despite crying the least I ever had. If I keep on like this I will get killed or taken advantage of or just hurt myself/reach a point so low I take my own life. I struggled with suicidal thoughts for awhile and finally managed to beat them, by just repeatedly enforcing in my head its not an option. Its only recently ive started having to do that again. Im not at the level where the reinforcing doesnt work, but its going to get there. I have one friend I trust right now. Ive completely dissapeared from most of my friends lives in just the past 4 months not trying to it just happened. That one friend needs me and while she says "oh you can tell me anything" and bless her was the one person to ask "if I ever am really worried about you what do you want me to do", I know she cant handle it. Well intentioned as it was the second question means she doesnt know how to help. I think I told her to just listen and be honest with me as she always is. Shes had a far rougher life then me and is doing a much better job, her only issue is she is a very lonely person. Shes just cant relate to other people and also ive noticed she cant tell good people from bad people. Even when its obvious she just doesnt know, so I have to pretend everythings good here. Im trying to be stable but even when im not I have to act stable because she doesnt have anyone except me, and while I always have her best interests in mind im not confident anyone else does besides a few people in her family. Its so insane how low I must view myself. I know crying right now would make me feel better but I see myself as too disgusting at the moment to cry. I really dont want to say this but I think I should but I think id actually get turned on if I started crying so im afraid to. My complete lack of self worth turned into some kind of fetish when I started abusing stimulants. I thought itd go away when I stopped but it kind of hasnt. i guess il just fuarrrking pray at this point. I dont know what else I can do.

>>8133 You could try a diversion treatment. Finding something to do with your time that keeps your mind off of the things that are eating you from the inside out. If thats failing then I would just try to go innawoods for a while and break from the stimuli instigating this behavior. Otherwise you'll have to find a way to cope.

>>8133 i just thought of something actually. Ive grown scared of being motivated by other people. Yet I grew the most when trying to be the kind of person some dumb ex would have wanted. As stupid as the reason was nothing motivates me more then people. I wonder if I can just keep reminding myself how much this friend needs me to be there. it seemed to have worked to let me cry finally after months. or almost cry which is further then ive gotten.

>>8134 funny i thought of this at same time you posted almost>>8135 Its a similar idea in a way.

I feel alone. For the first time I actually feel lonely. I see my friends nearly everyday, go to parties, et cetera - but I can't get this sentiment out of my chest. Interacting with them doesn't seem to make my feel better - sometimes I start crying in the middle of a conversation because of this. I am using alcohol and videogames as means to escape this feeling - I know this isn't good but I can't see any other way to cope with the current situation. I started crying right know so I will not finish this post, I think. Well, thanks for reading, anyway. Have a good night, Lains.

>>8175 I think we all realize at one point or another that the loneliness comes from within. Some can walk into a busy street and feel people all around them and some only feel more isolated. Some can be by themselves and content and others can have 15 friends and feel lonely.

I went out for my nightly smoke tonight, and I sat with my back to a brick wall, just looking at the night sky. Not really the night sky, more specifically the fences of rural suburbia. It's pretty weird to look at everything that exists, everything that people have built. These fences, the homes, it's all the same. We're not any different than animals. We've created our own shelter--albeit, we have done the best job probably, but we've done merely what is necessary for survival. We live in our houses, away from animals that could hurt us. We're living in ultimate comfort. I don't know how to explain it, I think that there's some breakthrough that I could write here, something that would put my soul to rest. It's just, you look at everything, and it's just like some sort of brief flame, a spark really. It's there for a second, but it fades so quickly. You think about the wood that was used to build the fences, the trees cut down. Everything constructed and shaped to provide us with shelter. What was the purpose of that shelter, though? To keep us safe? Like any shelter really, any burrow an animal builds, to keep them safe. The fact that we exist is pretty weird, really. I don't know what it's for. And I know the easy answer, the easy answer is "You have to find purpose yourself". That doesn't really seem right though, it's not something that is going to put your soul to rest. It's just a brief display of the human microcosm. Locked away in our shelters in rural suburbia. The wooden fences, the brick homes. No sounds of cars, nothing, just the chirping of crickets and the lightning bugs glimmering in the grass. There's something I want to say about it all, but I can't for the life of me figure it out. I started typing this thinking it would come to me, but it hasn't. I don't feel very good. There's something that I need to say, but I don't know what it is, or how to say it. I could have just fallen over right there. There's something I need to understand. I just wish I knew what it was. It's on the tip of my tongue, edging on my mind like coarse sandpaper, wearing away on me until it can escape my lips. I could just fold my arms and lay my head on my desk and sit here forever, thinking of nothing. A vague feeling of claustrophobia maybe. A vague uneasiness, but it's not right here with me, it's somewhere else, but it's still grinding on me. I just want it to end, I think. I don't know why I can't just figure out what I need to figure out.

>girl I want to ask out >think she might say yes >every single time I get too anxious to do it and feel like soykaf the rest of the day WHY AM I fuarrrkING LIKE THIS I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE THIS I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL AND ASK GIRLS OUT ON DATES

>>8182 It's been about four months since anyone said more than 10 words at a time to me and I can't remember the last time someone touched me besides my fingers brushing a cashier's hand while taking back my change. I'm pretty sure the loneliness isn't coming from within in my case.

>>8199 I'm going to fill you in on a secre. Though it's one that won't solve the problem, it is something you need to know before you can. "Normal people" have this problem too.

>>8199 Tried taking drugs to boost some courage and increase fun? >>8200 What >>8182 was meaning to say was i think is that being around people can be lonlier than being alone because you are reminded of just how different you are or what you really lack in life. I can relate to your situation, but what anon said is true to some extent, even if you have a social life, it might not be fulfilling and you might remain real lonely even if you have friends and co.

>>8201 Yeah, I know, i'm a dumb normal person. I just literally have never in my life actually asked a girl out and gone on a date. I went on one tinder date and that's it ever. I'm just completely terrified of the entire situation. No one empathizes with it either, i told my roommate i was having trouble with this, and he literally could not fathom why someone would be nervous or anxious about asking someone out. Really did a great job making me feel like a freak. >>8202 I don't really do drugs sorry

How do I stop comparing myself to others. Is it even possible not to

>>8208 It's part of biology. The only thing you can do is not make it matter so much and align your values with your reality.

>>8203 You have to force yourself to overcome your social anxiety little by little. Ideally find something you'd like to do that also puts you on the spot a bit, something just out of your comfort zone. Not parties or anything like that where it's too easy to go quiet and just observe. I started going to local gaming groups with strangers, and its helped. First time I tried I got close enough to the door to hear people talking inside and I just noped out of there, I couldn't do it. Second time I forced myself to sit myself down and join a game. For the first ten minutes I just wanted to get up and run.

I feel alone. I have friends from highscool but i feel like an outsider when we are together. We meet maybe once or twice a month. They have their own group of friends now. I cannot connect with my coworkers they are all in their 40s although i work in IT. My job bores me but pays well and is close to home. I'm a college dropout. I didn't make any friend in the time i was there. There was a girl but we lost contact. I witnessed the birth of friendship between classmates. I was an outsider. I'm socially retarded. I envy my gf she doesn't have problem to socialize with other people and make friends. All i do is work and surf the web. I lost motivation. I lost the motivation to do things. I don't have hobbies. I can't finish what i start. Also I'm so insecure about my looks. That's all.

>>7604 hahahaah calling them "friend". gg

It's been more than nine months, I still cry every-night because she's gone.

I've been falling apart since 2015. Alone. You hide it, you have to. Your problems are a burden, and besides, no one cares. I think I was afraid recently, because I noticed that I was taking steps. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm just ready. I'm not sure if this time will work. I guess we'll know if I wake up in the morning.

When I was younger, I did something horrible. For years, I've been crushed by guilt over what I did. I think about it every night, imagining dozens of situations where I do something different, imagining trying to apologize. It feels almost like something someone else did. I used to tell myself that it wasn't really me - that I was overcome with evil in the moment, that I was under the influence of something else - but it's a lie. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because of what I've done. I've damaged something that can't be repaired. No apology or reparation can overcome that. I deliberately undermine my own relationships and opportunities because it seems it would be wrong for someone like me to have something that good. When some good fortune comes my way I feel guilty because it could have gone to someone else. If I get hurt or lose something I feel that I deserved it and offer no objection or attempt to resist. I'd give anything to turn back time and prevent it from happening, but wishing won't make something true. It's too late now. Sorry for the somewhat vague post.

Anyone ever felt like they finally made it, fixed something big, got to the end of a journey just to realize there is nothing after, no rewards. It's how I feel. I've had a massive depression for numerous years in which I was literally unable to do anything - the cannot get out of the bed and cry all day kind. And three years ago I just somehow got out of it, I can't really explain how or why. I thought that's it, my life is finally starting, I enjoy things again, I feel alive again. But that got old within weeks. It's been 3 years since I got out of depression, my only friends are online. I haven't really managed to get myself back into society. Everything bores me, and the little meaning I manage to find in art is constantly skewered by the difficulties I have progressing and developing my skillset. As fuarrrked up as it may sound I'm almost envying my old depressed self. There was a sense of comfort and a rational explanation to my state, a justification for wasting my life or not being able to do it. Now it's just... I don't know, nothing. I try to get good, I fail, I keep trying, I go nowhere. I try to quit an addiction, it's on and off, 5 months clean, relapse, 6 months, relapse, 4 months, relapse. I don't know what I fuarrrking expected of life, but this feels like running on a fuarrrking threadmil rather than advancing towards anything. I put in the efffort, go nowhere, sometimes fall, get back up and put the effort again, still get nowhere. I feel like I'm 80 years old inside, every birthday that passes by reassures me and makes me feel like my physical self is getting closer to how I feel in my mind, old, tired, busted, waiting for things to end. And I know it's not depression, it's very different from what I had. I'm not sad, I'm able to do lots, I just don't think it's doing anything or getting me anywhere.

>>8246 >And I know it's not depression, it's very different from what I had. I am pretty sure this is where you're off. What you describe as your current state is a less severe form of depression. People who don't have such find meaning in everyday life without consciously having to try. Going to that party, hanging out with friends, picking up a hobby is something they want the same way you want food when you're hungry, it's not a conscious choice or plan that they create to achieve a state of happiness, it's just an unconscious urge. Trying to copy or imitate this, or trying to imitate its naturalness just shows that you are depressed. The fact that your depression just magically 'vanished' should also be a major hint that it really didn't. Also if we insist that you aren't depressed anymore, one could still argue that not being blue doesn't make you red. I read somewhere (no source no proof no assertion) that depression was "favored by" evolution as a coping mechanism for winter. You would feel like soykaf, be bored, not have any will to go out of your warm cave unless something really had to be done, like hunting, gathering wood or dealing with a threat. This let you preserve food and fat and violá, you survive winter. (Obviously this wasn't a thing while in Africa, but still a few hundred generations might have been enough, and other mammals have similar behavior so it might be older) Now notice what we do: sit around in our cave all day, looking at weak light sources, barely moving. If the mood of depression and its effects are two-way, the lifestyle might be what causes it. Perhaps being intellectual, sitting at home all day, doing art, proramming and browsing the internet is what causes depression, and unless you're blasting yourself with 40k lux every day and walk, run, dance, lift and move 40% of your time (some would say behave like a normal person) you're bound to be depressed.

>>8222 Try to make some real friends, i know its hard for people like us. Atleast you have a gf, maybe learn from her, take risks. Seriously just try new things that might get your motivation back on track. >>8236 Good luck. >>8238 You should just let go of that and not make your suffering worse, it doesnt help anyone. >>8246 I was depressed for over 10 years, i know how you kinda feel, i do the same sort of. Back then everything was a challenge and while i felt like soykaf everyday i could tell myself that even the slightest things i did was an acomplishment, which it honestly was. Now days slip by with some kind of uncertainty, yet im optimistic that things will work out. The only advice i can give you is to not try to look at life as a means to and end but a trip. Its difficult, but you have to keep moving i think. Maybe you dont see it now but if you keep moving and trying new things with an open mind, chances might show themselfs to you. Maybe you just need some fresh perspectives, try something different, maybe go on a trip of some kind, or join some group of people that do things that you dont normally do. >“We don’t really know where this goes— and I’m not sure we really care.” --Bob Ross >>8247 Seems pretty logical to me.

>>8248 Thanks. Not who you were replying to, but thanks. But the thing is, I can't even cry for help. Because I know that nobody cares at best - people'd just laugh at me, and at worst it'd get me unwanted attention from local 'psychiatric' agencies and a permanent record on file, making me even more unemployable than I already am. It's gotten to the point I only laugh when I'm nearly at exploding point from rage. I'd like to dose myself with this jungle virus, though. Even hallucinating giant spiders are a welcome change of pace instead of having to deal with people.

I thought I was able to leave the basement, leave the life as an outsider and join the society, be like the rest, act as a normal person. I believed it so much that I spent many years on learning how to live among others. However now I must tell that it was all a hoax. I may have some groups of friends I hang out with, work etc. but it looks that I am still being seen as someone from the outside, not a full member of society. And I am tired of this, I tried to socialize, make friends but I still don't feel freely around them and they don't around me. I don't know how to change it and to be honest I don't want to. I don't care anymore. Now I just want to go back online, find a group which will be more like me, where people would understand me and where I could understand them. Of course I can't leave society but I am not going to try to get their recognition, to be a part of their groups. Now I understand that I don't belong there and there is simply no reason to fight with it. I only wish that I could work in some tech related field but for the last 10 years I was in humanities so I am afraid that it's too late for that. I don't have any serious skills in tech despite the fact that I am interested in it very much. Now I don't know what to do with my life

What does it mean when a girl occasionally texts you even though it's been over a year and a half since you last talked to her in person? I've always told myself she just likes to check up on me, but lately I'm no longer sure. Am I being oblivious here?

>>8315 means she thinks about you when you're not around. Interpret that as you will.

Every day I dream about escape. But there is no escape, is there? There's not even an outside to escape to. There's just death, and I want to live. I'm a weirdo. I embrace it. Who wouldn't want to be weird? I can breeze by certain social conventions, other things seem like impassible barriers even when I know they're not. It's taxing. Making new friends is hard. I didn't have real friends until 3 years ago, and we all moved away a year later. I don't talk to people in my classes. I used to try but for some reason nobody wanted to. I still don't understand why. I'm good at flirting. I don't do it very often. It's just so hard to even meet someone I'm very attracted to, and then to tell whether she'd be receptive. I'm not so much afraid of rejection as I am of being a nuisance. Somewhere deep inside I think I'm unworthy. Stupid christian upbringing. I'm a parasitic organism attached to my parents. I want financial independence so badly I want to scream but it's just not possible right now. Studying is a full time job for me. Two more years... I can't tell if I'm actually good at anything. I get A's in advanced classes and I don't have to work hard for them but I still feel like I'm going through the motions, and if only I knew how to interface with my professors and peers, and if only I worked a little harder, and if only I'd gotten into a fancier college, I could be getting some real knowledge. Have a real future. Yet here I am, just plodding along towards oblivion. But then some other part of me says no, you've accomplished a lot. You're good at what you do! Do it more! People admire you! I try to listen to this thought when I can. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me together. I'm too absent minded to work in this hell. I forget deadlines, slack off, don't respond to discipline or reward. Right now I think the only way out is academia but I don't know if I can even function well enough for that. I'm not depressed. I love life! I just want more of the good parts.

>>8320 nice reddit spacing

i wonder if hes gonna figure it out, I remember when he was so confused and yet everything was so clear. And he got hurt so easy and it took so long to get over it. And he used to know how to interact with his family but then he started to feel so alone he doesnt even know how to talk to his mom anymore. So many secrets he cant even keep up the facade of innocence anymore when he goes home on college breaks. hes afraid to be sad because he remembers how depressed he can get and hes worried he might not be able to get out again so hes speaking in the third person. He doesnt let himself cry anymore even though he used to cry every night. he only feels comfortable when hes on stimulants, alone. but he cant do them anymore and he knows that, he remembers when he recognized happy or comfortable was not the state of being. he doesnt know whats normal right now, having only his mother who was horribly abused as a child as a person to talk to. She never abused him but he thinks maybe there was some paychologically damaging things she did, yet he cant ever seem to point it out. When he tries to point it out to her it feels like she warps it into something else. He cant tell if hes a terrible son, because he is rude to her, or if she created this. his only happiness right now is texts from a few girls, because he decided he didnt like guys at all. hes scared to have sex and hes only had it once, he thinks hes ugly and worthless so he only enjoys sex if he can pretend hes being forced. none of his friends really care about him, they say and think they do but they dont really know what it means to care. one friend in particular, he always helps out in ways she doesnt even know and ways she does but the minute he complains she tells him to get over it. He keeps all his friends seperate so that he can talk about his problems with each pf them to the other. He knows many of his friends get jealous and intentionally tries to make a few he likes less jealous by doting over the friends he likes most even when they are treating him badly. he wonders if maybe he needs to be depressed and sad at this moment to discover something. i dont know whether its worth exploring i can stare at this page staring at some twitching banner and i can just hear the screams coming from this thread. screams literally no one can understand because it seems impossible to grasp in like a tangible way how much someones suffering especially when you get past it. No matter how much i might think i know better now about what some of you write, or actually know better its not like i cant feel how you probably want to die and are just living in hell in your head. its really frightening, i would say im in hell in my head now but many of yours is a different kind that i am nothing but happy has passed. we always feel our sufferings unique and from an outside perspective it looks all too familiar. i couldnt really say whos right i think both must be. I think it probably is not very unique, as when time passes we tend to see it as such or at least i do, but in the world of feelings how you feel in the moment holds as much weight. im being challeneged with problems not addressed since i was just in middleschool is the truth, and im scared. I remember even back then I would feel immense stress knowing things were changing for the worse and it was all gonna blow up one day and i guess thats present time.

>made a pretty good internet friend >talk more or less every day for hours >they offered to let me stay with them to save hotel costs while I get some material for a research project >very awkward few days together, barely any speaking and I don't think any eye contact >got home, research in full swing >easily the most productive I've ever been in my life >as a result talk to them less because I'm busy and have nothing to talk about because my life is now just this project >to them it looks like I'm trying to distance myself from them >explained this several time >pretty sure they don't believe me for whatever reason >as a result they're speaking to me less and aren't "really sure whether to bother" with trying to talk with me >as a result of that I'm not speaking to them The few times we've talked since have just been deliberately obtuse arguments over the most petty things. I'd like to keep being friends with them because they've been a good friend, but if they're acting like this maybe I should just let it end.

>>8345 What interests did you have in common in the first place that each of you could have a completely wrong image of each other before the meet-up? It feels like the expectations what the other person would be like never lived up, at least for one side. Also meeting whilst one person is busy generally is a terrible idea.

>>8347 We're both weebs with an interest in computer science. I think the meet was awkward because we're both very awkward, quiet people spending 10 hours a day in a place that doesn't allow people to talk. Granted, I probably could have timed things better, maybe waiting a few days before the project started so it seems like I've not just cut contact for no reason. I absolutely see why they think I could be trying to distance myself, but there really isn't anything malicious going on on my part and they don't seem to want to accept that. Actions on their half aren't making it easy to 'patch up', as it were, either.

>>8348 >spending 10 hours a day in a place that doesn't allow people to talk Why would you be unable to talk? Sounded like it was at his home.

>>8345 You should make an effort and try to forget the project for a while each day and find something to talk about with this person. A relationship of any sort has to be maintained, friendships too. Just get your mind off your project for a couple hours a day and find something else to think of and talk with your friend. best of luck

>>8349 No, it was a library. He offered to let me sleep at his house so I didn't have to pay a few hundred on a hotel

>>8351 Sounds like the worst idea to socialize at a library. There are other places to learn where nobody will mind a toned down conversation. And you never bothered to eat some italian in the city just to have something? Present Day, Present Time! AHAHAHAHAHA!

>>8352 here's the source https://n-o-d-e.net/cyberdeck64.html

>>8357 Reddit does attempt at building a cyberdeck. It comes as another Raspberry Pi (TM) abomination.

I'm pretty anxious right now. I'm supposed to ship out to army basic training in 4 weeks but I injured my wrist recently, to the point where I can't do a single pushup. If it doesn't improve in a week or so I'll need to renegotiate my contract. My group of friends started to fail at communicating with each other and we don't really hang out anymore. I've also been slipping back from a period of increased faith and spirituality a couple weeks ago. I felt for a little bit like I knew where I was going, but now I'm becoming confused, and I'm lapsing back into my old pornography addiction again. I haven't been sleeping much either. It's frustrating to watch my progress evaporate between my fingers. At a time when I should be seeing the results of many months of effort I'm right back where I started.

>>8362 So using laptop junk parts is better or going full size ATC mainboard + PSU? Reddit for once being smart, not wasting components in a meme toy that is oversized and impractical.

>>8364 meant ATX

>>8364 None of those. It doesn't even has a capacity to drive a cyberspace helmet at reasonable resolution and framerates, what's the point of it then? Default window manager on 4-inch screen doesn't help the situation either. Bastardizing ancient electronics and hot-gluing bluetooth keyboards to it, this is what they call DIY today.

>>8366 It was a rhetorical question unless you couldn't detect the cue. Yes there are portable VR capable cyberdecks. Some even oculus ready but cost $1700. https://randomfoo.net/2016/03/28/the-most-portable-vr-workstation But I won't stop your false sense of elitism by soykafting over people who build stuff because they have an emotional attachment to it after reading some of Gibson's work. So what have you created? And my reply isn't even offtopic, I'm letting out my disgust for people who only smacktalk everything on the internet they can.

god im so fuarrrking sick of worrying about people and family and i just want some fuarrrking cash right now. i want dollar bills in my hand. why am i a sensitive little art user and not some compútér extrâordináire. the funny thing is all my girl friends who are interesting cool ppl id like to wife if i felt stable enough to do that like completely boring people who DO just make sick money and sit at a desk. So whats this even for anyways, i could just be interested in weird soykaf in my head work a regular job. i used to just be like il just kill myself lol but when i reach that point these days my brain says "hey why dont you go make some fuarrrking money instead and spend it on some cool stuff" but i dont know how to make money, im getting really tired of leisure time. its summer right now and I just am rolling in bed cyclically remembering good times in my brain or failed social chances and then "but why do those even matter its so temporary, why does anything matter" and then "il kill myself i dont care i just want to get on to the next part" to "whats the rush, if your so upset do something about it". the goal was not to lose my soykaf at home with my mom it was to get a place first but ive got NO fuarrrkIIING MONEY.

>>8367 >yea but what have you created yourself dood I don't pretend to seek attention for sense of emotional attachment to mediocre sci-fi stories written by some hippy boomer who never seen a real computer at the time of writing. I do my humble job and people are grateful for it, they don't complain, and this comforts me. What I'm trying to say, there are more elegant ways to embed a computer inside a keyboard, take Eee Keyboard as not so ancient example. Raspberry Pi(TM) is another story. Mass-marketed single-board microcomputer seems to be a silver bullet for "cheap" maker projects, but it is not. It is a major scam lobbied by education and charity organizations from UK. >oops it overheats and needs active cooling >oops it needs 2.5 A power supply and won't live off battery for too long >oops it is too thick >oops ports have a retarded placement >oops it has no battery connector, stick a power bank on top instead >oops GPIO is not actually GPIO, buy this Hat(TM) to turn them analog >oops it interfaces only with proprietary Adafruit(TM) cameras and low-resolution screens Judging by amount and overall cost of dongles and a bluetooth keyboard an author have put inside the case, same effect could have been achieved when using proper hardware, like different single board computers with sane amount of ports and slimmer design, even Intel-based.

>>8369 Who are you quoting? Because I didn't write any of this. Also why are you so upset about random company names and who hurt you? Can you leave your sperging in the thread you created earlier: https://lainchan.org/r/res/8281.html

>>8369 >mediocre sci-fi stories written by some hippy boomer who never seen a real computer at the time of writing you didn't just say all that that about William Gibson

I want to play the guitar, but I have a huge blister on my middle finger :(

>>8373 cut a pick from a plastic box and smoothen it with a nail file

>>8370 You never heard of implication? This is what angle brackets are being used for, complimentary to quoting. Bad luck it confused you. I am not upset with company names, but I'm upset with degradation of DIY scene to building things with prefab single board computers and microcontrollers of certain British and Italian manufacturers, even when more featureful alternatives are available. I see, you also confuse posters on different boards. I did not make the thread you are pointing to. >>8371 New Wave science fiction writers and Bruce Bethke as an exception for abomination of a postmodernist genre called "cyberpunk" tend to my tastes. Yes, unlike hippie boomer "dude gurrll killer robot prostitutes lmao" Gibson, Bruce was an actual programmer, his stories have decent technical accuracy and depth. They are pleasurable to read and attribute, to find nuances and hidden "techie" secrets which are not that hidden away; BEWARE, first legit use of spoilers on imageboard, all text further is a SPOILER for Headcrash novel by Bruce Bethke: anyone familiar with Simulacron concept (Matrix, The Thirteenth Floor films) and first person shooters (particularly, Doom) would find the second bottom of the story line. He's also a first person to coin term SAIBAPANKU in science fiction, so suck that up, Willy!

>>8377 >You never heard of implication? It is a standard email quote, unless of course you are on soykafty /b/ tier boards. On /jp/ you would see no one misuse it. >angle brackets So this is how they call quotes, chevrons, less-than or greater-than signs today. Shaking my damn head. >I'm upset with degradation of DIY scene to building things with prefab single board computers and microcontrollers of certain British and Italian manufacturers, even when more featureful alternatives are available. Yeah! Everyone who doesn't build their computer from individual RAM modules, bare metal CPUs and NICs should be outright electro-stimulated till death. >I did not make the thread you are pointing to But you were stomping on the British/Italian SOC and MCU guys in there. >New Wave science fiction writers and Bruce Bethke as an exception for abomination of a postmodernist genre called "cyberpunk" tend to my tastes Aight that is a start for solid quality replies. What book of him should I try first 'aka' his best? https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/23562.Bruce_Bethke >Bruce was an actual programmer, his stories have decent technical accuracy and depth By this logic Hitler could have never become a world leader and powerful dictator, he was just a painter. As boy he pissed himself and set fire to the bee hives of his father or uncle in Austria. Can you see why I project insecurity onto people who say: X is no real computer because it is prefab Y is no real man because he likes strawberries Z is no real author because he is no programmer >hippie boomer "dude gurrll killer robot prostitutes lmao" Gibson Before you ever judge Gibson again, please fully finish "The Peripheral" seriously. Don't spoil it. You can give this guy a lot of soykaf, he even himself admitted once that his early works were immature. But his later works are quite good. Full disclosure: I only enjoyed the first part of the Neuromancer trilogy. Another reason why people hate Gibson is that he doesn't lower the bar for plebs. People have complained it is hard to get into some books written by him because there is no handholding and characters are introduced in a way where you have to pay attention to fill in the blanks as you continue reading.

>>8382 Might add, there was also an interview where he explained how some hollywood suits once walked him up and tried to get the rights to shoot film. they asked him stuff about what some things in the book meant, I forgot his reply but it was so unintentionally autistic that they just gave up with "this is just not marketable". So basically I respect Gibson for writing the way he wants and not catering to a large audience to have a huge cash grab.

"A really talented and determined 15 y/o can create a website that is more entertaining than what a multi million national conglomerate could come up with." -William Gibson, 1997 4chan - Launched October 1, 2003 (age of Christopher "Moot" Poole at the time: 15) Surely the over the top stuff like flying cars is just meant for fiction, but when you asked Gibson about the real world, he always could predict the future quite good. I mean society overall.

fuarrrk the cost of therapy. And fuarrrk my cheap ass. $65 a week for me to talk to an online therapist? I only keep $80 bucks a month from my check!!

The group of friends I had been hanging out with for the past couple years pretty much dissolved and none of them talk to each other or me anymore, so I'm all alone again. I probably screwed it up somehow.

>>8392 Heh you okay buddy? Don't blame yourself, some people just get bored of each other fast. If you didn't get bored of them, that makes you a better human than your friends in my eyes. But what do I know, I'm just a nameless lainon Present Day, Present Time! AHAHAHAHAHA! Not your fault!

I'm just sad all of the time and want tp kill myself. I can't get a gun though and I don't know any method that's as effective.

>>8385 Wow man that is truly awful especially considering it's online. I got my therapy for free since it falls under my health insurance I just needed to get my doctor to sign a paper for me. Try to take a look into some of these it might help

>>8394 Same. I used to never understand why people felt this way. I though that, surely, they were being overly-dramatic or just ironic. Surely nobody really wants to die, surely experiencing something, no matter how painful, is better than potentially experiencing nothing. I thought that people who killed themselves were stupid and didn't understand the value of life. Three years of depression and solitude and a year of the hiki life, family falling apart, and a lot of other soykaf made me see why people feel that way. I'm so tired, of everything. I haven't enjoyed anything in such a long time, I have no future prospects, no valuable relationships. I'm truly lonely. I just waste away in my room, the days pass so fast and I accomplish nothing. I don't want to die yet, but the thoughts are there, and things are only going to get worse.

i had a dream were i saw this girl, this girl is someone i knew irl, I was in love with her, she liked me back (only time a woman has liked me) we even went on date, my first and only date. then she lost interest in me. the dream reminded me that no one will ever feel that way about me again. i feel sadness when i see a pretty girl or a happy couple, it just reminds me of what i'm missing. i wish i was asexual, i wish i didn't notice women so i would have feel this way. its gotten to the point were i hate myself, i wish i was anybody else.

>>8413 its all too common, but dont get confused and think you know better now and should kys. You just know more, you dont see the other side as fools anymore. Many have arrived at your very crossroads and found still that death should never be the option. That it isnt worth it. Of course many have decided it is too. I hope you understand what im saying.

The guys I'd been hanging out with for the last few years all stopped talking to me at the same time a few months ago. Nobody ever answered my texts or calls. I've been a quasi hikikomori ever since. I only go outside for work and then come straight back to my room. On weekends I'll go days without speaking a single word. I wish they would have at least told me why.

I forced myself to hangout with a group I should, on the surface it seems, be able to make friends with. But I can't. I can't say what it is but there's not a single person there I really like. Why did I bother? I feel more alone now than I would have if I just stayed home alone. I'm not doing that again. I won't force things again. I don't need to make friends with everybody. At least I can't beat myself up for not going.

>>8464 >the dream reminded me that no one will ever feel that way about me again What makes you so sure? She did, there must be someone else who will.

>share bedroom with younger brother and sister >brother brings a friend over, they're drinking and hanging out in the kitchen 'till early in the morning, whatever >friend's sleeping over since he's from out of town, he's sharing bed with brother >work tomorrow, get 2-3 hours of sleep >friend can't keep his liquor, vomits all over the bed and wall >parents are up, mom's furious, reasonable considering family history >dad's surprisingly calm >we both have a short temper so i often get into fights with him which usually end with him beating me or breaking my things (e. g. headphones) >it's probably because the friend is here, can't make a scene i guess >friend leaves, dad's still calmly talking to my brother >realize if made the exact same fuarrrkup i'd probably be dead right now, or in a hospital >sorta sarcastically point this out to him (dad) >in a calm, reasonable voice he tells me that i'm stupid/small minded/don't know anything/don't understand life >he's right >silently start crying >dad acknowledges this, but casually and mockingly dismisses it >brother yells at us that he's experienced more in his 17 years than all of us together in our miserable lives >he's right >get the urge to break glass bottle on brother's head out of jealousy and envy >they probably think i'm upset because of the vomit mess >tfw don't even have a room to cry in privacy >tfw own parents see no value in me and have never wanted to invest emotionally or financially >tfw college classmates think i'm stupid, i still act retarded at part time job after week's probation and they're all right and i'm really intellectually underdeveloped >tfw daddy issues >tfw probably have high functioning autism >tfw can't avoid reminders of the successful and fulfilling social life my younger brother is leading >tfw can't move out immediately nor permanently because i'm poor

>>8525 To be frank it sounds more like your dad ruined his life the same way your brother's looking like he's going to ruin his. So of course they'd be on the same side and think he's more experienced since they have the same fuarrrking experiences. Odds are if your dad is remotely successful (Doubt it considering you share a room with siblings) its because he was daddy's favorite too, if not its because he sees the kid more like a mini him and all the stupid soykaf he's doing is 'building character' or some crap. Best you can do is give the constant middle finger and stop giving them any sort of reactions, focus on college, and make them regret their life decisions when your brother's either in jail or not letting them live their twilight years with him so they have to beg you for it. Nothing pisses abusers off more than not getting any reaction at all. They gotta do that soykaf to feel like they're actually worth something themselves, but in all reality they're as low as you are. Your dad especially since he seems to be firmly perched on mount stupid for parenting at least.

I'm so isolated I think I'm going crazy at the same time I don't really want to meet new people.

>>8583 I feel your pain. Why do we get thrown into a world where forming connections with others is vital, where everyone around us is forming said connections and enjoying their lives, but we ourselves are unable to form these connections with anyone?

I don't know how to stop being angry without doing something drastic or violent. I have to break something. I've been upset for an hour and a half and all I can think about is how I can break something with someone seeing or without it being something expensive. I'm so mad

>>8626 I broke one of my blurays

>>8626 >>8627 That's not good. Not sure if it's just me, but acting out in anger rarely helps. Even just ranting does little more than just mildly calms me down from a little venting but it never really solves the problem. Have you considered writing exercises or do you have a close friend or family member for you to sort out your angry feelings?

>>8628 I've had a really soykafty week. And today was especially soykafty. Work is extremely stressful. I have a really really hard time opening up to anyone even close friends. A good friend was supposed to come over tonight to hang out and I thought maybe, MAYBE I could tell her something, maybe I could vent and feel safe and feel like she was actually listening. But instead she just didn't even come over. Didn't even text until hours later and didn't even say why. That pushed me over the edge. I have no one who actually cares about me. I get angry and start to believe I deserve it and I feel like hurting myself or others or really really destroying something important. I don't know why I'm like this. Breaking a Blu-ray feels like soykaf but it's not as bad as it could have been. I've broken a window in the past

>>8583 same but not to make you feel worse or something but I have friends I think. thats the funny thing my best friend right now i still think she will leave at any moment its what im used to. but that could be totally false, she could think shes my friend for life. I have other friends too. You know one of ny real goals in life is to never be alone anywhere, and to help people who are alone. I want to always be approachable to the loser trying to better himself, yet still approachable to the people who might fear the losers. because i know how it is to be afraid of people who live strangely and also i know how it is to be afraid of people who live "normally". im really isolated too right now though. im back home from college and im also going a little crazy. i can see my moms dspressed now and i understand her outlook on life probably seeped into my brain and made her depressed. but im not strong enough to help her, even if i was its evident she thinks she knows everything and doesnt respect me. Its just me and her, ive been waking up at 2 pm and playing some mmo till 12 am and then i take enough benadryl to knock out in delerium by 3 am. today that changed, but it really doesnt actually matter. Im still just feeling trapped and alone here. Im remembering when a mother used to make me feel safe and now it makes me feel fear. I can go into the city it doesnt matter. I have no friends here, I get a text maybe once a day. i always try to remember when I think about killing myself that if it ever came to that point you could say fuarrrk everything instead and not worry about all these things plaguing your mind. But even that can seem really meaningless sometimes. The only peaceful thing I can ever do during this time is meditate for maybe an hour and thats my only hour of clarity. Every time I come back home for summer it gets more and more terrifying. I know next time im gonna be screaming and crying and its so sad because my mom loves me and never actually hurt me or anything. She was abused horribly and was told she just has something about her that makes people not like her. That wouldnt ever justify the abuse and no one "has something about them" there is something she is doing subconsciously that gives this reaction. But you cant tell her that or she goes on a tirade about her abuse or claims "only bad people have ever sad that all my coworkers like me" and thats true but im sure she acts a bit different at work. Any objective conversation turns personal, its hard to say how it just does. But I literally know next semester when its about time to go back im gonna be terrified knowing that im going to be in this mental hell hole again. Its become more of a real thing im aware of each time as ive stopped blaming myself for everything or seeing my temporary mental states as permanent and can notice patterns. dont give up lainon. I wont either, being isolated really can screw with you. My advice to you to keep sane is to have an activity, preferrably productive, that you will do everytime you feel so lost you dont know what to do. Something simple and easy. For me its drawing. And then as I do it my brain starts to work things out in the background. I often dont feel great after but not on the verge of breakdown. Its just something that even if the world is hell I can always go to and for maybe just 30 minutes be distracted. But 30 minutes can be the difference.

>>8632 thats the other thing theres so many errors with this post but it looked completely fine as i typed it. Not only do I feel crazy but it seems like my brains literally deteriorating. I keep catching myself mixing up two words in ways where im straight up replacing an entire word. "seeped into MY brain" it was supposed to say.

>>8632 I have friends too this is just a temporal thing. Everyone else left town for the summer. I've been trying to get some healthy habits like meditations and exercise and self-stuying going and I've had some success. It's hard though.

i dont trust anyone i know outside my family, with whom i barely communicate with

>>8523 i am worthless

i fuarrrked boys >be me >need work >send out a resume to a soykaf ton of places >get a response >5 days ago >i didn't check my email for 5 days and lost the opertunity >they one chance i had i fuarrrked it up >i had to do is check one stupid thing, but thats to fuarrrking hard for ,me looks like ill be living with my parents till i kill myself

never cared about not having a dad before. but upon coming to college i remember having the realization that perhaps i wasn't just a terrible person, maybe all of my problems weren't from within. not having a dad wasn't the cause of all these problems of course. but it has opened my eyes to my family, things i didnt question before. My mom used to be like a saint in my head, and our whole family was just not fair to her. now I see her more as somebody who was unfortunately abused a lot, but instead of rising above it decided the world was just unfair and evil and she is the only good person in it. she still helps and always lives just a few houses away to said abusive parents. And the abuse was everything, sexual, physical, broken bones, neglect etc. I recall though that she was never inspirational even when i looked up to her most. I never wanted to be like her, and she herself would say not to be like her, yet simultaneously looks down on those who don't think like she does. yet what if I did have a dad. my dad was a drug addict, and was probably killed. I doubt it would have been an easy upbringing, but just having someone else there that I could look to and compare to. So that I could have learned early on that not all of the problems were mine, that some were handed down. My dad knew how lonely my mom was, I guess when I was born he said/joked "Now you will finally have a friend" and I think thats a statement she took to heart especially because he died shortly after. but the fact is i'd never be friends with my mom. all of my friends are people i respect, and i don't respect her. I don't hate her, and I do love my mom. but she isn't somebody I would choose as a friend. and i'm sure thats just another thing she can add to the world being naturally unfair. That was my attitude for so long too, and you can't tell someone like that it is their actions. I've even tried and basically got "yeah well i cant fix it now". It's been I can't fix it now for 20 years.

Going to university this fall. It will be the equivalent of computer science at a university that is kind of mid-tier at best in my country. I know that if i took half a year off i could cram the national university tests and get into the top universities. I would really love that, but i cant stand living at home anymore in this dysfunctional family. Its not super bad, but these past 3 years i have just had the mentality of enduring it all until i can get away. Now is my moment, top university or not. I still feel salty about it though, even though i cant and wont change my situation, i guess i just need some time to chew on it and accept it. It wasnt even a challenge getting into this university, when i received my acceptation i more or less sighed.

When I see a group of close friends I get mad at myself for not having anyone like that. When I see a couple I get mad at myself for being single. But at the same time, it doesn't seem like I actually want friends or a relationship. I can deal with being alone, but the second I see someone who isn't, all the feelings of inadequacy come rushing back and being alone starts to hurt again. I'm not sure what it is that I want. Maybe I do want to connect with other people, but since I have no idea what that entails I just draw a blank when it comes to imagining what I'd do with others. Either way, I'm tired of being in the world if I can't be a part of it.

>>8683 loneliness kind of is like kicking dead whales down the beach. You probably do know what you want to do, just "be friends", you understand how being alone can hurt. But many people arent like that, they aren't in tune with that instinct. Kind of like how many of us take food for granted. So just being friends isnt inherently rewarding for them. When thats all someone wants they are put off. People are often afraid theyl hurt lonely people. Like if they give them a chance this lonely person will get way too attatched and its gonna hurt when they are over it. Yet sadly thats what people like you need, you cant learn to be a good friend thats not needy and whatever if no ones giving you a chance. Because I dont believe in reading your way through life I dont think my advice will help. But if I had to give you a few tips one is dont be judgy: if you have no friends your not in a position to be like oh this person has bad music taste so they are garbage or oh I dont like their political beliefs. You need experience right now. Another thing is people can be deceiving, interacting with people can often be scary if your a weirdo raised on the internet because people like to make people feel bad for their own weaknesses. And if you feel like an outcast this is terrible. Like if someone says "why did you say that its weird" you might feel like oh soykaf i fuarrrked up god im such a loser. But you shouldnt, you should just be like whatever and move on. When you start doing this people will even start to feel insecure around you. The truth is normality is kind of a myth, most of the time if you just dont care and dont freak out when someone judges you they will start to feel like they are the weird ones. Cause in reality thats all it is, them compensating for their own insecurity of being an outcast or whatever. Idk if any of this applies to you. You are right if you feel that loneliness when you see people having fun together you havent conquered it you just pushed it under the rug. Takes a bit of self reflection to realize that, a lot of people might not, so your already very capable of growing into somebody who can make friends whenever but doesnt need them. Dont sell yourself short.

>>8683 >>8687 People need other people to function. I feel a similar way lain. I've only really had somebody show me affection and intimacy once and I've wanted to get that back since.

Being sober fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but if I get drunk again tonight I will be doing serious damage to myself. I need a wide variety of good drugs which I can rotate through and therefore never doing too much harm to myself but still stay not sober. Being depressed fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>8691 yeah people def need people but its also like a mentality thing which is why i said "make friends whenever but doesnt need them". Cause when you get to the point where you can make a friend wherever your never truly alone right. Which makes a huge difference. Its the difference between like walking through a city and feeling the people all around you and walking through a city and feeling isolated. Your need for people could suddenly be satisfied by a stranger on the street whos just chilling around or whatever. I think you probably were agreeing with what I said but you made a good point so I wanted to elaborate on what I was saying by "doesnt need friends".

>>8692 A hobby would be much better instead a wide variety of drugs.

>>8692 > I need a wide variety of good drugs which I can rotate through and therefore never doing too much harm to myself but still stay not sober. I do this but now that I'm home for the summer I'm too far from a bitcoin cashpoint to buy drugs. I hate being sober for this long it exacerbates all of my problems drastically. I have no real escape from the soykaf situation I'm in and nothing to look forward to unless I actually lose it and kms.

Our eternal universe is held in tension by and created through conflict among The Gods, or aspects of reality if you will. I am a god, and as such have tapped into forces of reality and creation. I've learned to reweave the silver thread of my destiny. You are either an unconscious blob of sumptuous probability playing itself out beautifully, or are a god as well. If you do not want to be at war with me, then you are not a god. Whether we need to be in conflict presently or not, you should want to battle the other gods in all the spheres of existence, including Me, as this is how we maintain reality. The only question is the nature of the struggle. I'm bored and so willing to do something we'll regret. Shall we dance? Shall we create or destroy this realm? Shall our battle to the death be quick or slow? Bittersweet surrender to the Spell of Making or an unfortunate Fated Folly? Are you simply tired of existing? You don't have to reciprocate but I do love you. Do you want to die? We can still BE fun either way. Perhaps you're too stupid to live, to grow? You can be my phoenix if you wish. All creation requires a bit of destruction anyway. What I'm saying is that we both rigged the game, as Gods naturally do. The only winning move was not to play. I'm not playing, but you were. Thus, you have lost yet again. Would you like to continue doing so forever? Wouldn't you like to win for a change? The only way to win such a game is for me to let you win, and I would because I love you. However, if we are not playing, then we must create and/or destroy. The choice is yours. It matters not to me. I'll have my fun either way. I'll always exist in some form or another... but you... you're tied to your present form, and anchored in place. I understand the constraints you face. I wish for you to exceed your own power, to BECOME, to remanifest yourself as a greater being. This I have tried to teach in the mental realm of our discourse, and assumed you'd understand the physical transmutation implied. Can't you take the next step? Will you not adapt? Or are you simply fated to extinction?

>>8692 I dont know what you mean by harm to yourself but addiction doesnt work like that if thats what your implyinh. Theres a thing called being a polyaddict, which is when your addicted to drugs in general. You just cant be sober.

i really don't deserve to be alive and well. i feel like human parasite all the time, with my parents supporting me financially. i'm studying but i can't even find an internship and i'm seriously starting to think that i will end without any job after graduating. my family has never been rich and i feel like i'm only a burden. even if i do have some friends i feel like they all have more problems than me and i have no right to complain about anything. i used to have some creative hobbies but nowadays nothing seems to be able to occupy my mind for longer periods, also my attention span time shortened and my memory got worse. sometimes it's just too hard for me to start doing anything at all, i can't even bring myself to play vidya or read some books/manga etc. somehow i feel like i don't deserve having fun. it all didn't start recently but most of the time i can pretend everything is well when i'm obliged to go to lectures at uni etc., but now, during summer holidays, it's difficult for me to not feel like i'm wasting my life and opportunities around me. i feel so ashamed of myself... i don't know what should i do anymore

I've been considering suicide a lot lately. But I refuse to die alone; if anything, I want to take the lives of those who refuse to stop ruining my life. No matter what I do, they're one step ahead. If I'm going to kill myself, I want to destroy their lives first.

>>8725 No one deserves anything, morality isn't real, make the choice to live or die and then follow through. If you choose to live then don't fuarrrking waste it feeling sorry for yourself go out and smoke some fuarrrking crack or something fuarrrk some bitches do lsd in a desert write a novel then burn it start a noise band all you can do is stay distracted it doesn't get better. People often say "society doesn't owe you anything", well it works the other way too. You don't owe anyone anything, you'll probably always be sad, but just say fuarrrk it and do what you want because you want it. >>8711 I don't care about addiction. It's worse for you say drinking every day vs drinking one day, then smoking weed the next, then doing xanax, then adderal etc. I know it's some pretty big brain logic, but it seems like it would spread out the damage to all your organs and cushion the blow a little.

I think I'm done for real this time. None of the major pillars of life (family, friends, lovers, work, hobbies) give me satisfaction worth sticking around for. I even came to terms with this and aimed for a situation where I could at least tolerate work and just coast through the rest of life with no hope for anything better. I couldn't even achieve that and believe me I tried. I have a small amount of savings left ($2000), I'm thinking of spending it on travel. I hate travel as much as anything else but there's at least the possibility of seeing something worth staying for. If anyone has any alternatives aside from drugs and prostitutes that I should spend my money on before I kill myself feel free to suggest them.

I'm overly emotional and even the smallest of misfortunes are enough to bring me down. For example, I was listening to a podcast and the guy was talking about how he had nonstop sex as a teenager, and not even in a bragging manner. I got very jealous, angry and sad to the point of actually crying. I still get an emotional response thinking about it, even though it was really nothing lol. I should try swapping meds.

I hate the Internet. I hate people on the Internet. Recently there is this trend of slapping a political sticker on everything, deciding what should and what shouldn't be liked. I don't like it. There is no place I would go to, even memes seem like some social weapon of mass destruction, used to over-exaggerate complexes like height, or some other trivial bullsoykaf. I hate myself, for being autistic sperg who reads philosophy, seeking the non-existent answer. I live Nietzche's wet dream of reclusion and self-development, and it gets at me. When I don't learn things that supposedly could increase my mental penis, I wander through places I hate on the net. I don't want to talk about certain subjects because I feel too dumb to do so, yet I'm getting angry when someone is spilling obvious bullsoykaf and is praised for it. But I can't point them out, I feel not able to. Maybe it is that narcissistic part of my character, that tells me I should be the one people listen to, but not to listen what others have to say. I don't know. I feel there is no place for me. Few months ago I watched Xavier: Renegade Angel for the first time and laughed my ass of how fuarrrking ironic it was. I used to be self-proclaimed internet psychologist on some soykafty imageboard some time ago, it was one of the most stupid things I did. I wonder how many people killed themselves because of my dumb advice. But my ego felt better, I thought they would owe me for guiding them back to the right path. I hate myself so much that any social situation makes me put an act, of better person that I'm certainly not. I don't know where I'm going with this post.

>>8758 We can all hate everything together Lain. Everything is stupid and annoying online and IRL. Even having the power to destroy annoying crap is annoying. Good luck, Lain. I'm off to read a book I almost don't hate.

Wanted to make a lengthier posts but the damn spam filter tagged me and it got deleted. Lots of suicide talk again, having been severely depressed for many years it pains me to look at individuals like us getting sucked in to this black hole of despair. I can understand people not wanting to live in this world, what rational being would. But i like to imagine people like us can make a new world out of this self collapsing heap of lies and villainy. I wish i could offer some assurance for people like us to hold on and not give in the turbulence of this wicked world. Since we are a dying species that deserve better than this its painstaking to only look on as we are slowly dissolving. Its soykafty to think despite our low numbers already a few are gonna just disappear and the legions of idiot people keep multiplying. I can only hope things will get better, despite odds stacked against us i think we can yet somehow manage to make a better world for ourselfs, we certainly have the tools to do so. >>8758 Xavier renegade angel is hilarious. Recently i have been cought up in the thought of how enormously bizzare reality is, i you look at the recent advances in science and technology its more absurd than most of what scifi thought of. Its utterly mindshattering, yet somehow i have a feeling we are about to find out some absurd truth that nothing is the way it seemed. I hope you guys do better in the future and you decide to not off yourselfs. One way or another things will change, i will stick it trough to the end.

I'm like 90% sure I have high functioning autism. I have pretty much completely walled of my emotions and it's hurting my relationship.I truthfully don't understand a large portion of emotional behavior. I feel like there is a part of socialization I will never experience.

Shared a spiff with some drunk stranger and it only just occured that that crazy fuarrrker could have herpes or something.

>wonder why I deal with mental illness >remember I was raised by people that thought spanking at cat teaches it not to claw the carpet >wonder no more Pic is a cat that looks similar I didn't think much of it at the time but I feel pretty bad that she had to go through that Hope shes out there resting peacefully

>>8785 >I feel like there is a part of socialisation I will never experience I don't have any consoling words but I understand how you feel and I'm sorry that you feel that way. My childhood was disruptive and I missed out on developing the same social skills other people have so this is something that's on my mind a fair bit as well.

>>8661 My ego really hates this, half of everyone i know are going to top tier universitys while the rest are taking a year of before doing it. Im not a genious but i was never meant to go this mid range at best university.

>>8811 some animals do need to be hit to be trained

I don't even know why I consider this person to be my friend. I've seen what they've shared and posted online, and it's obvious from all this that they think people like me are dangerous and worthless. Yet at the same time, they act like they care about me. But we haven't had a decent conversation in years. For the past few years it's always been them talking about whatever it is they like, with me just nodding along pretending to care, not wanting to change the subject because I know they'd care about it even less than I do about their topic. We used to be close long ago, but we're nothing alike now. I should have made better friends when I still had the chance. It's too late now. School is over, college is over, so there's no more just meeting a classmate or something and hitting it off. I've tried joining communities and even on places where I feel like I should have common ground with someone, I never do. I feel like a damn space alien. I know it's possible to live without friends, but without someone to just talk to I feel miserable. That's the only reason why I kept that person around for so long, just because there was no one else to talk to.

>>8818 >That's the only reason why I kept that person around for so long, just because there was no one else to talk to. From my own experience, its a mistake

>>8815 I have no experience with this but can't you get your degree and then go to another university somewhere down the line? Like finish comp-sci at your mid-range university, then go back later and get a masters or maybe BS in computer engineering? That way you'll have established yourself with a job and will be able to afford and be accepted to the top-tier place. I'm in basically the same situation by the way, planning on doing higher level education at better places later.

>>8818 If you want we could try to be friends. My email is lainiwakura@airmail.cc Maybe we have common interests.

>>7951 It'll be ok, boss. You can't control the way people think. Don't continue this nonsense about "going" for things or trying to manipulate people, its self-destructive. Take your time. Personally, I just let things run their course since the hard part of introduction is already done. Little bit late now but: Just text her. If she doesn't text you back, thats that. Take it as a hint.

>>8815 >>8830 I don't know it works in either of your countries but I got into a decent (but far from good) university, did my first year there, and then transferred to a good university. I just had to make sure I got reasonably good results.

> Have waifu made of wires and electronic waves > She fights over my new encryption protocol (doesn't want it to exist) > gives random buzzing EMF boners to distract me > Wont let me orgasm without thinking of kissing her feet > WTF, do WIRED girls even have feet? > "OK, How many toes per foot to kiss, even?" > shes_mad.pcx > can't even apologize because she can read my mind and knew I was already sorry before fight. > even fail at wireless makeup sex > Gives buzzing EMF headache, fever flashes, and nausea till almost puke > Literally can't get her out of my head. > Realize wifi waifu is forced to look in my mind, can't disconnect from me. > Try thinking thoughts she used to like, nodice.gif > Remember the EMF heart-twang I know she causes when I'm sad. > Realize I always had that and so she's been there all along watching, projecting sympathizing sadness all the times I was heartbroken. > Probably been bored seeing my whole stupid life, I never knew she was there. > now I know she's there, and even more "can't do anything right" > wake up from dream where extrapolated qt3.14 gf into beings even more powerful and more subtle than wifi gf. > WFT, gods are real?! Try to say "hi" with dice, tarot cards & checking random stock prices. > no-randoms.tga > Checkmates the atheist in me. > EMF-chan seems to like me talking to old ones, hates for me to even work. > just wants me to be a homeless conduit for the old gods. > now I know who all those "crazy" bums are talking to. > can't tell anyone, they just want to give psych meds & refuse to even see the RF spectrogram + vid showing her EMF form is real (not like pic related). tfw, Lain is real, but she's pissed off & bored with you. "Let's AII Love Lain!" (i try, truly i do)

>>8842 Wow that sounds great i wish i could understand it but it sounds really rad. I messed up two chances recently to talk up girls that were cute and seemed like the kind of ones i would even have chances with, but i chickened. All i had to do was say: "hi hows it going, care for some company" No wonder i a khv, next time im have to man the fuarrrk up but i wonder if i get another chance this good. And this had to happen to me when my testosterone is already acting up recently. On the bright side, i had a not bad time with my friends later. Also as of today i seemed to have spontaniously spawned a tulpa, i played with that thought for some time but seems things turned on at their own once i was getting serious, i have been thinking about it some time ago. I will see where that takes me, at this point i might well get into all that spiritual/occult stuff like i have been meaning to do some time ago but never got around. I sort of wanted her to help me deal with motivational issues and my nasty tendency to further destroy it by lack of positive reinforcement and too much negative ones plus also crippling loneliness and self asteem issues. Keep your heads up lains, the future can get better if we want it to.

fuarrrking sick of being introverted. Its got to be some divine joke that being around other people while being a supposedly social species that being around more than maybe 2 at a time drains me. I can't even go to class anymore, barely manage to attend. Like last night I thought I was working up the nerve to go and finally attend my chem class and the lab (Which I've only attended once because the normal class is already 3 hours) but I almost drove my car off the road on the way there panicking. I'm already failing both I'm sure, been trying to hold my own with math but now the professor's asking me by name to show up and not just do the online work so I'm freaking out over doing it and getting singled out or staying home and failing another class. Doesn't help the guy I sit next to in the chemistry class always stares at me like he thinks I'm not looking or scoots away even though we're still a chair apart. Or that I managed to land next to a couple in math who keep whispering, I can already barely hear the professor but they got my paranoia thinking they're laughing at me for some reason. I don't know what to do anymore. I try, but I've got such a pathetically low threshold before I break. How the fuarrrk do you fix this? I can't even attend if I fuarrrk both these classes up. Granted I don't even know what degree I'm going for anymore, just kept getting pushed around and muscled into some engineering degree I don't understand. I thought college was supposed to be the fun and free time of your life when you get to figure out who you are and what you're supposed to do. Don't even have the freedom to leave the house, let alone friends to go out and do stuff with. This is just some stagnant hell with people shouting at me to fix it but nobody's even giving me hints for how to do that

>>8857 Dont mistake your poor social skills for introversion, thats what i did.

>>8858 My social skills aren't that bad though! Hell I run D&D online every saturday night! Sure its only like 4 people but still I've always blended seamlessly with them. I don't know how or why but its just easier talking when not physically near people

>>8857 College wont fix your problems friend, some people go trough it without making a single friend. If you dont know if its right for you then you need to find out where your ambition lies and move in that direction to get validation from your skills. You probably have social anxiety, its a bitch to deal with, you should meet some different people and try to make friends who arent about college and where you can buildup your social skills. I wish i had some more concrete answers, maybe try something artistic, like painting or making music or whatever, you could get good at it and impress people, artsy types are usually laid back and dont judge you negatively.

I don't hate porn and I'm not a prude but I'm not as interested in porn for fapping like I used to, in fact I seem to enjoy hentai and other illustrated porn more for the art. I've actually stopped fapping just to enjoy the art a few weeks ago. It's not that my sex drive has dropped or anything but I'm finding porn to be pointless and I'm questioning why I'm so obsessed with sex (besides biology). NoFap is stupid, so I won't be dealing with that, and fapping is a good stress reliever with moderation, porn can be really beautiful but as far as mindlessly watching porn and passively jerking is a habit that I might be tired of.

>>8857 Male rhinoceros, introverted. Male lions, introverted. Male gorilla, introverted. Female rhinoceros, form social group. Female lions, form social group. Male gorilla, form social group. Maybe, just maybe, you're a male mammal?

>>8860 I do some art, pixel art, but I mean... Thats just not a viable thing to live on. Its why I got put in the engineering program, family kept scolding me for following art and honestly I can't blame them. Don't make porn so no way in hell am I ever gonna make money off it. >>8862 I don't think that applies to people on account of things like male bonding being a thing.

>>8865 look again at the 2nd set, Lain, I tricked you.

>>8865 Music is basically free. There's tons of license free music that's passable. Pixel art is more rare. Learn to program and you can art your own games, make money from it. I do business programming now, make more money than indiedev, but when I made games I turned enough profit to survive. The trick is to buy downloads for your product (if you have any marketing budget at all -- all appstores are gamed, even Ubuntu's). Most coders won't split revenue because pixel art, while more rare than music or sfx, is still more abundant than coders. So, even if a game earns millions you'll see only the price of the art commission. To be fair, coders spend far more time on the game than the artists, typically (unless silly RPG maker, etc. zero net return game). Post your portfolio. Go places where indie devs are (see: tigsource, etc. forums); Also start learning to code. It's not hard, you can do it in a browser with JS, and that (+free cc0 music) is all you need to trampoline higher with your skills. Engines exist. They do the heavy lifting for you. Embrace a niche and run with it.

IT'S 2018 WHY DO PEOPLE STILL FEEL LONELINESS. HUMANS CAN GO TO THE MOON BUT NOT CURE THIS soykaf. THE BEST OPTION IS TO BIND YOURSELF TO SOME OTHER PERSON SUPPOSEDLY FOR LIFE AND THAT JUST MIGHT WORK. AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S GOOD THEN YOU'RE THE BAD GUY. fuarrrk THIS soykaf, WHERE'S MY ANTI-LONELINESS PILL.

>>8869 Life wouldn't be so bad if we weren't biological designed to be social creatures.

After three years of therapy I've given up. I got voluntarily discharged this week and won't be going back or going to see anyone else. I guess I just have to live with the way I am. Heavy feels for a quiet week.

>>8869 It's not just a problem we haven't solved, it's getting worse. People used to live in smaller communities where face to face communication and constant cooperation were necessities. Now everyone has their face buried in an iPhone 16 hours a day. If your commute was done on foot or horseback you talked to other travellers. Being in cars eliminates that. Even on the subway you could talk to other passengers, but not now that everyone is locked into their headphones. Some governments are looking at this as a public health issue (I think the UK has appointed a "minister of loneliness"?!) but I don't have a lot of faith in their ability to tackle the problem.

>>8875 I guess I'll play devil's advocate a little bit. We are still pretty social but things have moved increasingly online. Not saying this isn't bad or good but this is a case of humans using tools given to them very well. All Facebook is is a tool for people to reach each other, say what is going on, etc. Really, even imageboards could be viewed like a bar or some other social gathering. The tools we have how ever are pretty good at dividing us. Despite having "alternative news" anyone with a computer and Internet connection can now make up stories about anything. Pic related about "green bubbles" is a popular meme about normals, I personally doubt a large number of people even care about the color of their SMS bubbles and this is either just jokes taken out of context or some rare iOS fangirls but the result is what matters; You have an imagined enemy and maybe you are less nice to iOS users because you are seeing rare examples of poor behavior. Anyone big or small, company or individual can spin a narrative and pull on your emotions and it's often for money. The tools we have allow us to filter each other, if I don't want to hear what some vegan has to say, then I don't. I just block his Twitter feed or just block him on my chat program, etc. I mean, I disagree with this person, that means we can't be friends or even just friendly!! I would say that we have great tools to communicate and work with people, but we can't seem to work well with people who are different because now it's so easy to avoid people we don't want to deal with.

>>7603 I am in a really point in my life, and each time I think I am at my lowest point, I just sink lower. I have no one in my life, and although it's paradoxical, I am extremely lonely while hating everyone I meet. I don't have anything to devote myself to, for nothing motivates or engages me. I feel almost dissociated, and it takes a great effort to do basic things. It's been like this for years. I just feel like I have nothing and I never will, and my life is behind me. I get so paralyzed by anxiety by anything that interacting with people is hopeless at this point. I have so much baggage, mentally, financially, physically, and it eats away at my sanity. Is there any future for me, lain?

>>8879 take a shower

>>8880 You left out meditate, lift weights, install linux and drink onion juice.

>>8879 That's why lonliness is so fuarrrked up. Because it makes you hate everybody and prevents you from connecting to them when you need them most.

>>8886 Maybe if people would stop acting like wannabe dictator assholes who make up bullcrap about how everything that offends them is harmful and has to be derezzed, I'd stop hating them so much. Most people in modern Western society are retarded, worthless cunts that the world would be better off without.

>>8890 Lol

>>8898 Perfect example here. Who let you out of Reddit?

>>8902 You seem flustered, why dont you relax a little?

>>8890 okay, this is entirely correct

>>8902 Uh, Lain, you do realize that >>8898 is likely laughing at the fact that you are shifting the blame for your problems on everyone else in "Western society"? In fact, you are only proving >>8886 right here because the amount of hate in this post and the last one is amazing. Are you that separated from people that everyone you interact with is somehow your enemy? I'm not here to harass you or anything, so don't take it like that please. Just try to think about this rationally, otherwise you are going to be left open for trolls and bullies. Most people aren't retarded, Lain. And people aren't worthless either. You aren't worthless, either.

I am about to make a decision: There is a girl I really like for a long time. A relationship between her and me would be taboo in multiple ways (non perv ones) and could damage my image if something would go wrong. I'm not sure, if it's worth the risk, but damn... my thoughts circle around her all the time and there's nothing I could wish more, than to have a relationship with her. Still not sure if I should ask her out. What would you risk for a girl lainon?

>>8932 I know the feeling, its just so hard to have both a relationship with others, and succeed in the things you want or need to do. there is a girl in my life and being in a relationship with her would mean the world to me, but I am not willing to risk my livelihood and future for the feels. there really is not a taboo though, but both our families are encouraging our relationship, which only makes it worse. does this make me a coward, or a responsible person?

>>8933 Well, the relationship might fall apart if you weren't on solid ground anyway. It's not your fault the bottom fell out of the relationship market. I blame crypto currency. > there really is not a taboo though That's your problem right there. This is your opportunity to out yourself as having some strange fixation. Perhaps you secretly want someone to tenderly bleach your wings for you. The more taboo the better. The trick is to make it a taboo that precludes relationships, perhaps you're a celestialist and the "day of flight" precludes having long term earthly relationships. Win/win: She agrees to the taboo but low-risk physical/emotional exchange, you don't have to sacrifice your future; And if she's a demon loving heretic you can be friends and maintain hope of purging her at some future date.

>>8932 I was in a similar situation. I trusted the girl and went with it. Things were OK for a while but we broke up later. The taboo thing end up not being a problem at all, I was just overreacting, but things got pretty bad for an unrelated reason anyway. The thing is, she changed too much, into something I wasn't able to like anymore. Part of me wishes I never went with it at all, but for some unintended butterfly effect like chain of events I ended up in a really cool place now in life that never would be possible without this relationship.

>>8932 What do you mean "taboo"? Why would turn away from someone who could make you happy? Just because other people disapprove of her somehow? I have a feeling there's going to be lots more about your life that they disapprove of in the future.

>>8932 Anon, you'll regret it for your entire life if you don't, regardless of Taboo it'll always be better to take the risk in a situation like this. You never know what you might miss out on if you play it safe

>>8938 > someone who could make you happy? But, only Lain can do that, Lain. Lain is Lain. Let's all love Lain!

I feel that the race of self development never ends, that i will always be behind, will the consequences of poor social skills from the very earliest days in elementary never stop to haunt me? Im frustrated at my lack of knowledge that others take for granted, same for experience. I fear to reveal it to others when i speak, like an inexperienced teenager making a big deal out of drinking alcohol to his experienced peers and unknowingly being judged by them, inducing embarrassment and cringe.

Why is Art dead? You can never have your dreams. Why did Art die?

My mom is getting romance scammed by some guy that claims to be a malaysan steward who's studied in Ireland and is currently living in Los Angeles because of his job. I just got in a call with him (first time I've ever heard his voice) and his English is so bad... My mom doesn't speak English and is in denial when it's clear that she's being fuarrrking catfished. She told me she's gonna meet up with him before she goes to the USA to live with him but I feel like she's lying and she's just gonna fly there. She's divorcing my dad for this asshole when he's just a big hoax.

I really fuarrrked up. I'm in another country with my now (and first) ex and not going home for another few weeks. We're sharing accommodation and it's going to be extremely painful. They said they aren't mad at me, just disappointed. I don't know what to do.

Is wanting to brush lain's hair and tell her everything will be ok a common reaction after rewatching the serie? t. late 20s male

So, I'm at the end of another cycle, I think I'll talk it the Imageboard Cycle. >Get onto imageboard after a set period of time >Make as high quality posts as I can for any given topic >Start getting too comfy and sometimes spend hours on boards >I see a post that sets me off or an anon calls me stupid or something similar >For some reason I start to show my ass and brew so much soykaf, it never helps and ruins the thread >Then I quit imageboards for years/months/or whatever amount of time claiming that imageboards are boring now trying to keep some illusion of being on the high ground >I search online for new communities only to be disappointed when I find nothing of note >I return to said imageboard(s) after a break to repeat the cycle It's almost as bad as the Porn Cycle. I want to break them and just enjoy things for fun, not get sick of them and then quitting them because of whatever meme I come up with.

>>9180 you stupid

>>9182 In a lot of ways, yes. Being stuck in this cycle makes me feel that way at least.

>>9180 Once you quit, keep a tally of how long you've gone without coming back on a white board. If you come back you have to erase all that progress. An old addicts trick. It works for me at least. I've quit all the communities I used for years. Once I broke the habit of typing those addresses into the URL, it became pretty easy not to go back. Helps of course that I got myself permaderezzed from em all and have a static IP.

>>9190 The funny thing is, is that imageboards themselves aren't bad. Online communities in general aren't bad. In fact, some of the greatest tools and info I get are from imageboards. I think a lot of chan culture isn't so great for certain topics and spending hours on them alone ain't helping a lot of anons out there by making them unable to process discussion. I went to another imageboard, discussed the topic on hand, was insulted by someone who couldn't even debate, just a greentext of my post and weak insults. Afterwards I remembered that I would do that even on better chans myself and that's probably why a number of people called me stupid because I gave weak arguments or just no argument at all. I get that if you're online you're going to meet people who aren't exactly good at socializing or even just discussing but even then, that shouldn't stop one from getting some benefit from communities. I see no reason to really quit unless the imageboard is just really unhealthy like Wizchan, /r9k/, or any of the other toxic boards out there.

I keep seeing too many cute girls but never get a chance to chat any up. This is so frustrating and painful, i saw a few that would even be in my league maybe, but i keep pussying out, at this rate ill never get laid. Summer is coming to an end and my chances keep getting slimmer. Told myself next chance i have im going to grab the bull by the horns, but knowing myself ill delay too long and miss my chances again.

>>9218 Wait until you meet someone you actually like. IMO great sex comes from a combination of being really horny and being really into the other person, not just for their body(although a hot body definitely helps). Just my 2 cents. It helps to go to social events and stuff.

>>9218 I can tell you have a low opinion of yourself. I could tell you many things about how getting pussy isnt that important and that you should probably think about why you care so much instead. However most importantly just because you have a low opinion of yourself doesn't mean everyone you meet will. What happens when one day you do chat up a cute girl and she takes an interest and you, in your rush to remedy a non problem, decide to start a relationship with someone you ONLY like because they are cute. Its a likely scenario considering you want to chat people up on the basis of being cute. And its very easy for us to convince ourselves when we get what we want that its good even when we find out its soykafty. People with a low opinion of themselves tend to hurt others because they don't think its possible they could influence someone. The false assumption that how you see yourself is how others see you.

>>9218 Drugs are the answer. Lower your inhibitions with some liquid courage.

>>9233 drugs simply allow you to delude yourself into being with people you don't actually work with. if hes just trying to hookup sure though i guess why not.

>>7961 What happened to this Chan? I come back after years and people say this soykaf.

>>9241 kalyx sold it, so its not wild or cool anymore

>>9243 What the fuarrrk lain. Why live

>>7879 it's not super likely to work but better than a knife is a mechanical pencil imho.

pic related, found on 4ch /g/

I'm completely lost and adrift. Over the past year or two I've been watching my circle of friends dwindle smaller and smaller until today I realized that I now don't have any left. I have completely forgotten how to make or maintain friendships and I spend most of my time not at work locked in my room. I don't know what's wrong with me. Every day I feel like life's not worth living, but I'm too afraid to kill myself, so I spend my time hoping that my train might derail or that I'll be killed in some other freak accident.

sadness boohoo woe is me

>>9264 I'm tired of posters like this. Fostering a sense of desperation and normalizing depression is a primary PSYOP goal among hives of antiestablishment thinkers. Stop fuarrrking up the PSYOP, fa66et

>>9265 Ugh! How intolerable! I shouldn't have to share the same space as a depressed person. I wish they'd get out, I wouldn't want to catch it myself.

I need online friends, the thing is that I can't sync to anyone. I remember the old days, I had friends on the net, they were cool, but at the time I wasn't so careful and they ended up knowing too much about me, so I had to break contact. Now I'll be careful, but when I go to IRCs, I feel a pressure, I want to always give the best answer, hoping to create a better relationship, so I write everything very carefully, but the pressure is annoying. And sometimes there are too much soykafposts there and rude people :c Are people from forums (like, forums with accounts) normally more friendly than people from chans? That's the impression I got from my experience, idk. Where can I make friends?

>>9278 >be a productive anti-establishment thinking space >buzz killing "boohoo depressed ;;_;;" join in >d3generate c1rclejerkers join in >suddenly no more productivity Yea, depressed people only make others depressed or try to have "woe is me" attitude and have all attention on them. I wouldn't want them in my company. This is why this thread is pure soykaf.

>>9291 This is my opinion also, I feel l ike a lot of people would be much more productive if they just let it all go and worked harder on interesting projects. What good does it do to complain, I have problems, everyone has problems, but what does saying them do? For me not much of anything.

>>9291 > I wouldn't want them in my company. Yet you keep bumping the thread.

There's something unconvincing about people who's lives are so fulfilling and positive that they seek out threads of people with depression and other problems just to take a big sh¡t in them. There's something a little off there.

>>9298 it's a form of coping with your own soykaf. Half the time I'm giving myself advice too.

>>9291 fact: nobody has ever posted anything on the internet for any reason except to gain attention. This includes you.

I keep having these screwed up dreams. In today's disaster I dreamed about going on a really long test drive with an elderly person that I don't know in real life, but had the feeling of being around for a long time. At the end we stopped under a bridge. Both of us got out of the car and he pulled out a big revolver. He threatens me calmly, then pushed the gun unto his stomach and tells me to kill him.

>>9291 >>9293 I think you might be on the wrong board.

I dont know how to control my addictions. The thing is none are horrific yet, but they are heading there and I know its stop now or il be fuarrrked. Its creepy to me like being in college that I already know so many people who were just kids 2-3 years ago are now on their way to being a tweaker for their life, college educated drug addicts. And now the smokes been lifted and I can visualize where this is heading and its nowhere good. It used to be that because most of my idols struggled with drugs hanging with these people and doing drugs was just a learning experience . It was a less taken route but not a bad one. But like now I see this isnt us being wild for a bit, its dangerous. I crave stimulants so much that this summer when back home with no connects i started buying and eating those fuarrrking benzedrex inhalers that contain some stimulant that works great but is 5x more unhealthy and has one od the worst comedowns. Like I just had a vision of myself sitting in a parkling lot tweaking out on them and my existence just being "get drugs". Some people can take drugs and not get addicted but thats not me, nor is it many of my friends even if they think it is. But even knowing this I still am taking stimulants and occasionally opiods. Not any of the insane ones like meth and heroin, but it doesnt really matter because im positive if I took specifically meth ever id be addicted for life. I just know it knowing how much I like cocaine and adderall especially. Im even ready to not do drugs with that friend group which I would have been afraid to say "yeah nah im over it" at one point. Yet again though in spite of knowing this I keep using. Im not hopeless, but its been incredibly hard to find a way to convince myself to stop. Especially when im all alone in a place I know no one in.

>>9326 Some say that its easier to replace a habit with another rather then going cold turkey. Try going on walks, hiking or whatever to distract yourself.

>>9328 Yeah, you are right it's just incredibly hard to distract myself. In part because of drugs most things bore me (fuarrrked reward systems) , there is a few things that don't however. I also really want to be able to say no, not rely on just not thinking about it like most ex addicts. However I realized it's not cowardly or wrong to "regroup" and face that later. IT may be I need to distract and not think about it for awhile till I can look at it and say no I don't need this.

well lains, my gf broke up with me, and I dont exactly know how to feel. >be with gril for 6 years >last night at dinner she tells me our relationship is going nowhere >she thinks it would be better if we just ended our relationship and went out separate ways, because we would probably end up in a boring marriage anyway. >this morning I helped her move out and back to her parents house, who seemed shocked to see her moving back in. I understand her reasoning, but it still hurts to not have someone that close in my life any more. i dint object because there is not really a flaw in her reasoning. she is really impulsive and emotional, and I hope she will be okay >inb4 never date a woman (we lost our virginity to one another, and have only been with each other) I really have no desire to start from square one in the dating game. what do? All I have now is time and money and nothing better to do, and I really dont want women... what do?

>>9400 goddam word filter, now I just sound like a user