Trusting the right people

Anon suffering from high-functioning ASD here. All my life I have been extremely naive to the point of being homeless because I trusted the wrong person. I basically trusted this dude with my rent money because he promised me that he could get a nice apartment for the both of us for a sweet price. Turned out he lied about the amount of rent and was trying to make up for the missing money by spending my deposit on drugs, without my knowledge. In the end he didn't manage to do anything except for snorting away my rent money. Since that blunder I at least left the capital to live in my hometown so that I could see my family a bit more, also expecting that I would be able to trust people over here a bit more. Nothing of that turned out to be true. Today I wanted to buy some bud so I happened to meet my step-cousin in town. He was already smoking so he passed me some and I proceeded to ask if he was selling since I was in a hurry due to the rainy weather. I handed him the money as a sign of trust and he told me to come back to the same spot in an hour. I did and waited for half an hour, got completely soaked just to figure out I've just made another extremely dumb mistake and wouldn't see him again. Luckily it wasn't a big amount of money I lost but it still hurts that someone I've known for more than 10 years would do the same soykaf to me. I have tried very hard to become less naive but at this rate I'm gonna have to assume I can't even trust my own family and I have no clue what to do about it. Please help.

Seems like my step-cousin didn't betray me, I was just freaking out because he didn't come at the right time to the appointed place. Anyway, it was quite fuarrrking dumb of me to trust someone like that and I still need tips to prevent these mistakes in the first place.

>>75369 As a rule I wont be friends with someone unless I trust that person enough to cosign a loan. I have no friends. But also Im not constantly worrying about bein fuarrrked over by my friends so it evens out.

If you can't read people's emotions or intentions naturally, it's best to give it up entirely. Plus, people can probably already tell there's something wrong with you outwardly, so the chances they'll try fuarrrking with you are even greater than for the regular person. In any case, as a rule, the more people try to convince you or (fake) apologize over doing something, the more certain it is that they're trying to manipulate you, and they know it.

Super basic advice I'm not sure if it works for autists but here it goes: If you have a "gut feeling" that a person/place/etc isn't good and you shouldn't trust it, it's better to listen to it. Don't listen to what people say, they can say anything. It doesn't matter if they are confident and good with words or meek and shy, just notice how you feel about them and if you're wrong it doesn't matter, better safe than sorry. I've also seen autistic people get guilt tripped irl not sure if that applies to you but be careful.

>>75367 I wish I knew lain. It's hard to do, I also struggle, but airing on the side of safety is a good idea. If your instincts are also ass burger miscalibrated, better avoid unnessecary risk by trusting too early. To gague trustworthieness, find an area where you're more resiliant, and do a small, controlled test. If you get to a financially stable point soon, lend 30 brouzouf to them and see if they pay it back with little to no pestering required. Just pay for their food or whatever. If money's not the thing, maybe you have tools to lend or something. Last of all, your trust WILL be broken by someone, it's guaranteed, wether they do it intentionally or not. Accept this fact and make peace with it. It will hurt, both the actual thing and the broken trust, a 2-in-1 deal for suffering. You will get through it, do NOT under NO circumstances self-sabotage and take too long to open up again. Suffer, figure out if you can trust that specific person again, figure out if you can forgive them, **tell them how and why they broke your trust and if you forgive them or if you want nothing to do with them**. Then, if you decided to forgive, they have to re-earn your trust. If they don't, or if you decided against it, it's ok to just not trust them again, ever. But that lesson **only applies to them**. Don't overgeneralize the lesson in untrustworthieness. Maybe you can learn to judge better, but don't take away that you should not trust anyone. I have made that mistake, it just makes you lonely and miserable. The goal is to get through the suffering and move on above all, **do not get stuck**.

>>75369 >i was just freaking out not gonna say I called it, but before I'd even finished your first post I was 99% sure this was the case >who to trust anyone you've known for 10 years who has always been decent to you >how much to trust for emotions: as much as you can afford to lose for money: same, but really just rent your own place and don't buy drugs and 99% of your trust-problems will be solved Lain's >>75370 advice is OK, except the real trick is just not to treat friends like moneybags. If I give something to a friend, it is always a gift. I do not expect it back, and I expect nothing in return. This is what friendship is all about. For me, being friends means I can show up at your door at 2am and expect a warm bed and a meal (and vice versa, obviously).

>>75367 Do you also feel like you distrust people or you often see the worst side of people; you see "past" people?

I think this is good advice >>75372, trust your gut feeling. Also, most neurotypicals dislike autistic people. So the majority of them aren't trustworthy by default. You can give some of them a chance, but overall err on the side of caution. https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700 >These patterns are remarkably robust, occur within seconds, do not change with increased exposure, and persist across both child and adult age groups.

There is no advice you can be given because your brain doesn't function in the same way a normal person's does. You are getting the idea to do things that nobody would ever even consider doing, there's nothing to be done to help.

>>75382 What are you trying to achieve with this post? It doesn't seem functional, not even if it's reverse psychology.

>>75367 As someone said if you know someone 8 years you would think you could trust them, but someone threatened to kill me and is squatting in my house rent free and made up lies about me. The truth is (and I hate to say this as a fellow autist), but even when you know someone a while, I think it part because of the world we live in and in part because we are autistic, you never really can trust someone. One thing I will say is try not to do business with friend and family if you can help it. As much as I am a big family person and I do trust my family on my moms side (and they have really helped me out), I would not rent to anyone except maybe my mom, aunt, sister, or granddad (parents, but grandma recently died). They are solid people. But even the broskis have had things about them that bother me a little (I keep pestering a friend about working on a podcast, but I feel like I am putting my energy into getting him on board and it just is not worth investing in and I am almost ready to say fuarrrk it and go out on my own). So time knowing someone can be good, but that solely does not mean anything. Another thing, if you act like a tourist somewhere you tend to be let off the hook a bit more, but I don't know how to translate that Stateside, but long story short nomadism/temporary autonomous zones seem tempting to me as an autist.

>>75367 You cannot trust a drug addict or a drug dealer with money, children, pets, cars, houses, or any of the other top rung important things

>>75367 Hey lainon im also in the same boat I have aspergers. The thing iv found to work best is just not to trust anyone untill they have proven their trustworthiness by going out of their way to be freinds and you have known them for a long time. Now when it comes to relationships I cant really give much good advice as all of mine have been toxic or abusive and permanently damaging all because iv been too loyal. If a girl does things that make you uncomfortable or disrespects you or your boundaries just leave them straight away. I always stayed and tried to work things out and it always just got me trapped in a bad relationship. Yes it may feel heartbreaking leaving a girl you really like or have even fallen in love with a bit too quickly but trust me bro that pain is nothing compared to the torture you will go through if you stay. Another lainon mentioned the trick of lending them something to see if they give it back and this can work but there is unfortunately people out there who will return borrowed items or money knowing they will gain your trust and are looking for a good time to get the most they can out of you. Best way to deal with this is if someone who can obtain whatever the thing is in another way chooses to just borrow from you constantly you should be wary and assess if they are in genuine need or if they are just using you. A good way to find out is just to let them down a few times and if they either go away or start harassing you then cut them out of your life. But I think we are going into too much detail here the main thing you need to do is start seeing anyone who is not a family member or long term friend as a threat and remember that even then that is not always successful as people can be soykafty. But its the best you can do and you wouldn't need to feel naive or stupid if such a person fuarrrked you over because it happens to everyone now and again.

trust that which is clearly true with no suspicion or effort, by effots of merit such as science and philosiphy and not what stupidity your pre-conditioned brain spews. learn to generate this yourself, work through you life and trust no one.

>>75432 I have the assburgers too sadly and my problem is there's no way to verify or test a person's intentions. You can run a diagnostic on a machine or test a patient to see how they react but emotionally people are undecipherable. I just avoid all humans. All my friendships failed and collapse, they never go beyond a few weeks, and I've never tried dating or talking to girls which would probably end up destroying me even more. Humans are just evil.

>>75440 Well there is a saying trust but verify. I think I mentioned family, and I mention them as I truly have been a dipshit lately financially (long story) and they have been helping me. Now that in and of itself does not mean anything per se, but I have known them as long as I have been on this earth. I did have a relationship where I knew someone 8 years (family of my ex) and did not want to assume the worse, but they still screwed me over. Years of knowing someone helps, but in that situation it did not. Another example is I have known someone about 10 years. Good friend, I was there for him when he had legal trouble, even though he probably did what he was accused of. We had been collaborating on a project but after several attempts to try and contact him I said fuarrrk it and will do the project myself (if he jumps in great, if not, oh well). In this case there is give and take. If I am the one that has to chase him, fuarrrk, I might as well put that energy towards releasing the project. One final point, you mentioned women. Part of this might be me masking, part might be due to my financial situation (that is getting better) and the resulting extra job I needed to take on, but as soon as I started focusing on mastering internet marketing and working 50+ hours a week, women would just chat me up, want a bite of my pizza, kiss my forehead, listen to me bitch about my ex "friend" fuarrrk me over, and IDK man. I also had a chick make sure I was alright when I was puking my guts out from trying to get so drunk to not think about my ex. Also (sorry I am being long) I saw a many dressed as Jesus (I think this was August or September of last year). I am generally a logical person, but some of that just kind of confounded me. I can't speak for you, but sometimes there are things you experience and can't explain. To this day I am still trying to align things, but they don't make sense. Even more so now that I am getting chatted up. I am still a bit hesitant, but I will try to understand how this connects to collective consciousness. Also l suggest Outwitting the Devil (a book). It changed my mindset a lot. You can probably pirate it and if you can't find it, I can try to look around and find a link. Sorry for the rant, but I do feel like some of this is the stuff I was missing for years. Hope it helps friend.