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I cant escape it. Even 3 years later it haunts me. The best choice of my life was to strike back against a bully in elementary school. It wasnt much, just whacked my bag against his jaw and it was pretty much it, some meetings with teachers but no real consequences. It was the first time i actually stood up for myself. But ever since then ive been plagued by it. I cant stand my past memories of humiliation and insecurity. There were plenty of good moments but ive forgotten them by now, only the scars remain. I havent had contact with any of the people from that time for the past 3 years, but i still cant let it be the past. I kind of wish i could get into a physical conflict again so i could prove to others and most of all to myself that im not weak and prey for others.

You shouldn't cling on the past lainon. I believe that this thread was a mistake since it will only remind you of that period. Others are welcome to disagree that this isn't the best solution but I've suppressed most of my soykafty experiences I've had in the past by focusing on the present and on the future. Not that I was bullied but I was pretty broke during my teen years and there were other not so good things going on back then. Currently I can barely remember any of that. Time heals anything, I believe. Just try not to think about it, occupy yourself with something like work or a hobby.