/vent/

New thread. \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////// |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////// |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

every single poster below me is transgender and is deeply connected with a discord grooming ring

>>74509 What a coincidence, sonis every single poster *above* me!

>>74509 wish this wasn't true but it probably is fuarrk trannies, new boundary is below this post | V

>>74509 >>74510 >>74511 I don't know who to believe any more!!

>>74499 >Now I just look back and feel regret because I was sitting there arguing with strangers on the internet when I could've been doing something else - anything else. I don't actually post on 4chan anymore for various reasons but I think there is value in subjecting yourself and others to emotional pain in a controlled environment. There is also value in emotion focused forms of discourse; things that other forms prohibit from being expressed can be considered. If the world has hurt you and also stunted your ability to understand/say that this has happened or how, it's only natural to be drawn to stewing in rage with other people who are mirrors of yourself. Maybe it isn't healthy to do too much of that, but neutral, pleasant activities wouldn't be an alternative, just avoidance. The harm is already inside you and has to be faced.

>>74505 >It's a cry for help and desire for attention wrapped around in arrogance of being too high and mighty to ask for help. Try to he1p them. You will quickly realize they are NPCs and don't actually want help. It's a split mind. They use that unrest as a power source. Without it their sense of self and safety in reality unravels.

>>74506 This is how I overcame my own distrohopping: by using a Linux distribution that doesn't do anything for me. HOWEVER, and this is an important caveat, the system is also reproducible, so I NEVER have to repeat ANY configuration work EVER. Not when I upgrade something, not when something breaks, not when I switch to an entirely new machine. That distro is NixOS. The system never accumulates a "dirty" feeling because there is a programmatic recipe to produce an identical system.

Everyone above this post is a tranny pedophile, anyone below me who claims otherwise is also a tranny pedophile.

>>74508 I'm actually starting to get well in life. Things are going pretty good for me, or at least much much better than I ever thought they would -- I thought I would've killed myself by now when I was younger. I fixed up my metabolism, which has been astoundingly helpful for my mood problems. I don't consume pr0n or games anymore, which seems to have a surprisingly significant effect on my vitality. I've grown to hate the western scientific bio-essentialism which strips every process down to mechanisms and treats the consciousness as a strange growth, not to be integrated into an understanding. Ugly things do have an effect on the basics. But this does cause some pain in the transition. There's like a whirlwind of energies underneath me and I have to "ride the tiger". For instance, it's completely changed how I consume social media -- it has begun to feel very wrong. I liked to follow people that did cool things, like the MNT Reform laptop developer, noteworthy programmers. But now that I actually find myself engaged in the world around me, able to push on it to produce an effect, what's the point of using social media if not to sell your own soykaf? Every moment that I spend merely consuming another's work is a moment taken away from my own probably quite real creative potential. I have a fear (trauma-induced, I guess? Not to overuse that word) of attaching my real name to things that I do, which withholds me from being more productively active in social media. In high school, I was friends with some very accomplished people, and I feel their holograms on my shoulders, judging my work as mediocre, uninspired. Time is running out. I think I can still have a good life if I bust my ass, but am in danger of losing the course still. There are mental strands that tie me to my old misery. I'm vulnerable to sentimentality, and cutting the strands is like throwing away a beloved childhood toy. So yeah, I love God. Let me know what you think. Enjoy this moment of madness and pleasure.

I cant stand how stupid and out of touch people are with basic decency in life. This is the second time now that I talk to someone and it ends up being someones wife, and this time when I tell them that I do not believe its appropriate for us to be in communication they say their common law marriage husband knows and doesnt care. So they get mad and say fuarrrk you to me because I told them im not going to speak to them anymore. What the fuarrrk has happened to the world? I actually told them I had no bad feelings but felt straight love for them and their family and just need to uphold my own morals in order to be healthy. And I get a fuarrrk you. I absolutely can not stand idiots.

>>74527 It sickens and embarrasses me that they would be "ok" with that, as if they never learned how much of a kuck situation that is and how fuarrrked it makes things in the long run. I used to let my ex-gf do that too, when I was 21 y.o and did not know jack soykaf about life, and it turned into a nightmare. I am very glad and relieved I did the right thing and faced up to it, but the fact they could not end of a peaceful note with me the way I ended on a peaceful note with them and they accused me of being a piece of soykaf bc they wouldnt be my gf is absolutely insane. It has nothing to do with that at all, it has to do with that fact that someones wife should not be talking to another man, privately, whether they agree its ok or not. that is glitterboy kuckhold left-wing looney toon bullshit, that makes people depressed and unhealthy, and because I dont want to be a part of it I get vitriolic hatred directed at me. I just wish they could have said "hey I totally understand and I respect that you stick to your morals, no bad feelings on my end either".

>>74528 >It sickens and embarrasses me that they would be "ok" with that, as if they never learned how much of a kuck situation that is and how fuarrrked it makes things in the long run. Only when one of the partners isn't interested in sleeping/dating around. When both are sluts it usually works fine.

>>74522 >I've grown to hate the western scientific bio-essentialism which strips every process down to mechanisms and treats the consciousness as a strange growth, not to be integrated into an understanding. I think having this position but at the same time worrying about the passing of time is not very consistent. Time-space is relative. The future already happened, where the past is still occurring. Our consciousness is what creates this perception of time and it's passing. If you consider integrating it you should acknowledge that is what it brings: the illusion of time. As such, there really isn't much reason to worry about what you will do. You will do what you can do and you won't do what you can't do. It's as simple as that. Just give it your all the way you see fit. You are already at the end of this endeavour whole at the same time still finding out about it. No reason to begrudge yourself not being able to achieve things if you gave it your all. One door closes in front of you, another one opens elsewhere.

>>74510 Good response but minor spelling mistake therefore fail

>>74527 >>74528 So wait... Are you saying that a married woman cannot have communication with a man who is not her husband or a relative? Or is communication a euphemism in this case?

>>74532 I wonder if those lains are muslim or something, or if I have to reevaluate where the state of cultural norms is at.

>>74532 can't have them as friends, same could apply to men

>>74522 what you're describing sounds great. what i suggest is leaving this site and doing whatever you think you've wanted to. or Felt you've wanted to. don't step back from your momentum like this, it'll only trip you up. you seem to know what's right for you. be and do. this moment right now is it, always. you and anybody else are reading my lowercase, ungrammatical words on an imageboard, even im using my time typing and re-reading them, and im saying if we want to make the most of our lives, it will happen in the world we physically reside in, now. im already using this response as a distraction from my own goals. it's comforting to huddle in an anonymous space and request/give advice. but i think many of us, if we detach from our self image and the idea that we need others online to guide us in the direction we ultimately must figure out ourselves, we could be better off. godspeed to you and everybody ^_^ email attached for conversation

>>74522 >I feel their holograms on my shoulders, judging my work as mediocre, uninspired Don't look at it this way. You're just using negative emotions to push yourself forward and you will run out, everyone does. What you should be doing is consider your ancestors, watching your every move. They aren't judging you. But they are disappointed when you falter and swell with pride when you make good decisions. Ride the tiger and make your ancestors proud. Of course, if the ancestor thing isn't great for you, there is always using others as a point of reference, rather than comparing: You freeze them in time and say that is what I want to excel. And then you strive to become, in some way, a notch above the level as that person at that moment in time. It's much healthier, mentally and spiritually. >>74535 Just a heads up, but what you are promoting is called egoism. It's the common trend in the modern world and it's one of the many reasons why things are falling apart. I'm not saying "CONSOOOM", I'm just saying that selfish behavior is absurd. I respond to people and that is part of my goal. My goal is to help people flourish. You may find that achieving your goals is nice, but helping others attain theirs is somehow even more rewarding. That does not mean you have to throw your own goals to the side, I am always progressing forward.

>>74533 I'm not those lains, nor am I a muslim. I'm actually agnostic and come from a Christian background that I heavily rejected. They're right. >>74532 >a married woman cannot have communication with a man who is not her husband or a relative? It is wrong for a married individual to have friends of the opposite sex. You're inviting trouble in doing this. While it's not a popular fact, men and women as friends is not such an innocent thing. One, if not both, of the parties is interested in a sexual/romantic relationship with the other. In some cases, the interested party may not recognize this, but they will eventually. This usually ends up with them thinking that they are "in love" with the other individual. There are some slight exceptions, but they're so rare that they have very little weight in the matter. Interestingly, people who tend to strongly denounce this type of statement tend to be sex-crazed / hypersexual, so you can see that they have a genuine vested interest for rejecting it. If everyone realized this, they'd have much less objects of temporary attention.

>>74532 Ethnic Christian raised atheist (American) reporting in, appearance of infidelity should be avoided; women meeting alone with men in general gives too many opportunities to justify. This doesn't really stop anyone from having friends; just throw a house party or something and have husband or other male family present. I don't think you should have a friend who's not also a friend of your spouse or capable of becomming one.

>>74532 No I am not Muslim but I am Christian. Yes I am saying that a married woman or someone who is in a relationship should not be talking with other men in private, the same goes for men who are married or in a relationship talking to women in private. Men who are "ok" with this and talk to their wifes or gf's about it are unhealthy and generally unhappy. >>74534 exactly, and frankly it does apply to men. >>74537 This worded it perfectly and exactly and its almost to a T what happened to me. We talked on email for a few weeks and eventually I was said that I was into her and wanted to share some lovin, but she just kept talking to me and did not comment on it. After she did not comment on any of my statements regarding lovin and being turned on I told her something to the effect of. "look I think its amazing that your a stay at home mother but I do not believe in talking to women who are in a relationship at all, is that whats going on right now?" and yet again she ignored it. A few days later I told her again something like "hey im pretty sure your someones wife or gf and im uncomfortable talking to any woman in a relationship. I have no bad feelings and think your great, wish the best for you and your family but I have to go." and the reply litterally was "your treating me like an asshole because I wont be your gf, fuarrrk you.".

>>74538 i could not agree more. thank you.

>>74532 "talking" is z**merspeak for "flirting" or "dating but not seriously". But also as evidenced by the replies, a lot of people genuinely think that people of the opposite sex can't be friends. This is another one of those strange z**mer beliefs. >>74538 >ethnic Christian oh man that gave me a chuckle.

>>74541 >another one of those strange z**mer beliefs I'm in my 30's and it's not a "belief", it is fact. Not one person has refuted it, and the only attempts I've ever seen of refutation of this statement is ridicule. The other important mention here is that it's not even a relatively new idea. The idea of a male and female being friends has always just been seen as courting, always. This is yet another example of how the new worldview lacks comprehension of other worldviews, despite complaining about ignorance of worldviews.

>>74541 Guys and girls cannot be friends with each other like they can members of their sex. There's no way you can be friends with a girl without thinking of fuarrrking her at least once unless you're gay, asexual, or she is just so unattractive you have no interest in ever fuarrrking her.

>>74542 My parents & grandparents don't espouse this belief at all, and my grandparents are deeply religious. I've only seen young people promoting it. As to its truth, I don't mean to express an opinion, I just think it is an attitude mainly held by younger generations and, at least in America, not "traditional" at all.

>>74544 It does not work in our modern society and it did not work in the old one. Give it a try sometime and see how happy and healthy it makes you.

>>74543 Just because you think someone is attractive doesn't mean you want to fuarrrk them. What, are you ruled by your libido? >>74545 I do have several female friends.

>>74546 Not them. My guess is you have internal machinery that automatically remaps women into quasi-familial roles. Unconsciously of course. That or you have an internal arrangement that allows you to connect to them via an "inner child", or a more base alter. This bypasses sexuality and utility. Lastly you may just be the sort of person to "hang out" and aren't really concerned about tangible ROI or getting somewhere. You do nothing. Whereas I am busy even doing nothing.

>>74547 >Not them. ...sure >My guess is you have internal machinery that automatically remaps women into quasi-familial roles. This is called "being friends" This has been an interesting conversation but I can see that it's pretty quickly going to go nowhere.

>>74548 >>74547 Oh I realize now that by "Not them" you meant you aren't the above posters. Apologies, I had misinterpreted this.

>>74548 >sure Yes. >This is called "being friends" I used to be like that. However I didn't have the ability to bridge anything with a sense of desire. Do you?

I'll be very happy to not have to deal with people at all and focus on reading and studying. I wake up in the morning and do a little studying and reviewing, best time of the day. fuarrrking people.

>>74546 You do want to fuarrrk them though, unless one of the three things I mentioned applies, something is just wrong with you. And then people just try to deny that they want sex, and suppress that desire and end up screwing themselves over by continuing to spend their time going out with a female friend they really just want to have sex with. That guy isn't me by the way, I am me. I also don't understand having females as friends, what do you even do for fun? You can do enjoyable stuff with a girl, like go for a hike in the mountains, but you can't climb the mountain with a girl because she won't want to do that. So you can do stuff that a girl will find to be relaxing and or enjoyable, but nothing intense. The most fun thing I probably ever did with a "female friend" was play video games because she invited me to play them. She is fuarrrking you by you giving her these enjoyable outings, when you hang out with a girl and she texts you afterwards telling you she really had a great time she's just fuarrrked you. You need to get what you want in return eventually.

Is liking the jihadi aesthetic/music wrong? I'm not an ISIS supporter or anything

>>74553 isis is a cia psyop, but i still think the aesthetic is super lame

>>74552 This seems like a weird self-reinforcing cultural dynamic, not an inherent limitation. You don't enjoy the kinds of activities women around you like to do, you have developed some notion of sexual debt for courtship efforts, and you can't separate those in your mind. That's about your specific social environment and your personal mindset, not sexual desire overwhelming everything in a way that will always apply to everyone. What about bisexuals, do you think we can't really be friends with anyone because capacity for sexual attraction means everything has to be in pursuit of that as a goal? Of course it's not like that.

Is there anywhere on the internet where I can discuss geopolitics that isn't fuarrrking insane? Reddit killed the old forums and everywhere it's cancer or people spouting lunatic theories with no basis in reality ("China will collapse in 2 months" etc.)

>>74558 Agoraroad (agoraroad.com) maybe. It's got a lot of stuff, and there are political threads from time to time.

I wrote a longer post, but the gist of it is that I'm not really happy about being alive and don't see things getting better. Do I really have another 60 years of this?

>>74563 Only if you do not unClamp.

>>74556 For one that was just tacked onto my post. And there is no we, it's just you. You'd be a unique case, the overwhelming majority of guys are not like you, they don't enjoy going out with girls without sex. There's an end goal, sometimes guys waste years of their lives trying to get it. Perhaps you enjoy doing mundane stuff with girls and are completely satisfied with it, but that refutes nothing in my post. The friendship will never be pure, in the case of a marriage the sexual desire just opens up the potential for infidelity, and as one spouse grows tired of the other and inevitable hardships occur in their marriage the likelihood of cheating only increases. You're just creating the potential for cheating.

>>74566 witnessed for truth. some people just dont know.

I'm relapsing so hard right now. I must stop. By this post I swear that I'm going to flush(myself) right this very moment and stop. I fuarrrking swear, I tell you.

Jesus fuarrrking Christ why is it so hard to press the goddamn "CLOSE TAB" button. ^W. I'll do it. I can. I can make it. I already only have Lainchan open.

this forum is such a fuarrrking boring pile of soykaf holy

>>74601 >02:33:33 Okay Agent Smith.

>>74601 It is up to you to make it better.

>>74605 Hard mode: >It's up to him to make it worse

I'm so profoundly retarded i cant stand it. I cant think i cant speak to people, cant get anything out of art, consistently failing tasks. It's like my brain is empty, i have no thoughts or observations on anything. A soulless husk, so boring i doubt i will ever have close friends, let alone a romantic relationship. Even stuff i enjoy i couldnt tell you anything about, cant feel strongly about. I have to steal other people's opinions i read online to hold a conversation on anything. I have so much envy for others, how they can just come up with stuff to say, the way they can talk about their passions and have unique insights on them, how they spontanously joke around with their friends or have conversations with them.

>>74607 >I'm so profoundly retarded i cant stand it. this checks out. also what cuntry u from my bet is the UK. sorry about your crumpets

>>74607 We all start out like this in some way. Keep stealing opinions, consuming media and doing things until you begin to understand them and develop a frame of reference from which to draw criticism, validate your opinions and dab on the unthinking dull-eyed NPC plebs with, o you superior being. What no one will tell you is that it's all learned behavior. It's sown thought and painstakingly built glass houses in the form of brittle ego. And yes, anyone can do it, you only need the chance to and a fuarrrkload of time. Get started.

>>74607 That's normal, Lain. Personality is something developed over time, being bothered by it is the years long feeling of creating your own self and some people never do. I think most people never do, even.

>>74611 I respectfully disagree about consuming media, the poster probably has a media consumption problem as it is. Maybe, like, a high-quality documentary once a week is okay. Doing stuff is way wayyyy better than watching/reading stuff.

>>74607 wow im very surprised someone else actually feels this way.... u are not alone i started abusing dph and it just feels like evrything got sucked from my brain since then its depressing i just go around asnd stalk people and observe their habits and steal everyinch of their personality that i can get ym grubby hands on and i just cram it into my fuarrrked up conglomeration of Already stolen personalities either random people from twitter or Video game characters i have No sense of self anymore

>>74607 did my reply get removed????

So there IS a vent thread, I thought the whole site had become /vent/ by now. Why do people open threads that belong here in /vent/? And most importantly, how come those threads get replies and stay up front for a few days? it is a mystery!

im definetily killing myself once my parents die. Problem is that may take decade. What the hell do i even do.

Most depressing site is supposed to have depressing thread like this, go figure. Instead of "venting" how about you people go "vent" to a therapist that will actually suggest life altering changes to your lifestyles so that the uneasy feelings you have go away? Huh? What is that? You are scared of change so you wallow in self pity and self agrandizament? You like licking your own vounds? Oh woe is you, right? Focusing on the soykafty side of life won't make it go away or magically make it any easier to deal with it, especially when most of you won't take suggestions on what to change. Especially with seeing how most of you live within framework of your own delusions and keep reaffirming one another, no wonder this thread gets a lot of replies. Jesus Christ you guys need a reality check. Here's my 2 cents. I am venting about /vent/. Good luck to few that actually read this post and understood the message behind it. Everyone else I hope you get smacked on the head with a shovel.

>>74620 >your problems always come from within, no despair inducing situation can truly be external Nice projection, we're not all weaklings needing some psychology diploma toting normal user to parrot us some bullshit anyone with a brain could have figured out.

>>74621 Yet you need a /vent/ thread to not crumble under the weight of said "brain" you have? Lol

>>74620 >>74622 All you're doing is venting too. Why do you think you're entitled to the thread but no one else is?

>>74622 Nice strawman you got there. Who said anything about "need"? It just feels good to /vent/, and sometimes have someone sharing and/or understanding your situation.

>>74620 I've been to several therapists over the course of numerous years, and I know people who've gone through every level of psychological treatment and it has yielded absolutely no positive results, medications, cognitive behavioral therapy, electroshock therapy, magnetic treatment, etc, therapists are absolutely worthless people who offer terrible advice, the last one I had was pressuring me into taking the covid vaccine so I cut them off, like what the fuarrrk does that have to do with muh depression. Here is what they do, they make you give them a general outline of your life, then they begin their "treatment", that being the incessant rehashing of soykaf which has happened in your life and has passed, over and over and over, to justify their existence in your life when you tell them you no longer feel anything about certain things which have happened in your life they'll just infer that your emotions are suppressed or you don't know how to express them and they will teach you, and when that doesn't work they accuse you of not applying yourself to the therapy sessions and not caring, and then they start pushing drugs on you, and when you come upon an issue in your life which cannot be solved they just tell you to cope, yeah, square breathing and antidepressants is what will get you through struggles in life, fuarrrk psychology and psychiatry. Best thing I ever did was stop seeing therapists, immediately I began feeling better. Places like this can help people if they're overwhelmed and feeling soykafty. They can impulsively write up some post and dump it here, it can alleviate whatever feeling they may have in the moment, all for free. I have never seen a therapist give any positive "life altering changes", real life isn't like Good Will Hunting, get real. I have once seen a therapist reaffirm some bad ideas someone had and it ruined their life and the life of their family.

>>74625 therapists are for blame shifting the problems of society onto individuals. they're largely to antagonize people into pretending to be happy and to be obedient human resources that burn themselves out working too hard.

>>74626 That is pretty much the truth right there. A large part of the issues people face today are a result of the environment and thus society people are living in. The retard above wishes to blame the individual, I wonder what he would say to the therapists which are now struggling to find answers to give to their clients because the root of the problems their clients face are a result of the world we all live in and cannot change through any socially acceptable means. In those cases what can a therapist say other than that the world is a soykafty place which is why they feel bad.

>>74628 You can create internal machinery to selectively ignore or transmute parts of reality and yourself. Trick yourself essentially, but sophisticated than self delusion, as part of you knows the truth and it tampers with your mind in the background as a self optimization function. It can turn pain to strength and so on. If you're in a deep pit it is the only way out. You have to force your body and mind to do what you want and conquer the others. Then you can repair and remake the world.

>>74628 >A large part of the issues people face today are a result of the environment and thus society people are living in. Indeed, but it is easier for an individual to adapt than it is for all of society to change to be better. The best thing a therapist can do for their client is provide helpful coping strategies so that the client can become more active and change the world for the better.

>>74627 you're smart. i pray to god you grow up one day, and you don't rot your brain before that happens :(

>>74619 stop playing the victim for starters

think I may be homeless soon. I'm a neet who lives at home, and my family is cool with me being here, but it is starting to get too tense and i am not particularly fond of them anymore. I do not want to completely burn bridges, but I think I will have to leave. I absolutely cannot afford housing, but I may be able to get a job and a new vehicle so I can sustain myself that way. Food wise, I only eat raw meat, and I would happily eat rotten stuff/roadkill/whatever carcass I find, so hopefully I should be good there, and I don't really shower anyways. I think if I can get a gun that may be helpful also.

just tried to fix my keyboard. got out soldering iron. fuarrrked it all up like i do everything else. sent from my on screen keyboard

I cannot take it anymore I seriously cannot I think they are coming after me

I fuarrrking hate being called a weeb I fuarrrking hate being forced under this and all other related labels just because my tastes in entertainment happen to be slightly different from the norm I fuarrrking hate being instantly associated with all these negative fuarrrking stereotypes just because I share similar tastes in media, like being called a fuarrrking pedophile, being called a trap or whatever the fuarrrk, being associated with certain political affiliations or groups despite having ABSOLUTELY fuarrrkall to do with them (I fuarrrking hate politics by the way) I fuarrrking hate how I just can't ignore them, if someone calls you a fuarrrking pedophile that's something you just can't shrug off, but then the more you deny it the more people think it's true because they're all inhuman fuarrrkwads I fuarrrking hate how absolutely NOBODY is able to just be fuarrrking normal about it, like I just can't sit down and have a nice talk about it, people gotta fuarrrk it up or act in horrible faith I understand why these negative stereotypes pop up though, these people would fuarrrking drive and push others to the brink, and then will turn around and go "wow what an awful person, why are they so awful, I guess all people who like Japanese animation are the same as that guy" fuarrrking hate how everyone treats you as "the weird one" in the group for it, no matter how normal you act. This isn't some one off thing with a soykafty group of friends, this happens with EVERY fuarrrking group of people I get duped into trusting or thinking they're my friends. They only use you for recommendations as well, and nothing else. God I iust hate people, being alone is the only time where I'm happy and able to be myself. Just got to the point of experiencing so much bullshit of every kind from other people that I'm just sick of them, I want nothing more to do with them for the rest of my awful fuarrrking life. Nobody's ever treated me right or even thought of me my entire life, why should I think about others.

>>74669 Where the fuarrrk do you live, Saudi Arabia? You should not feel bad returning their disrespect twofold. My experience in the US anime is ubiquitous and nobody gives a fuarrrk. I literally bring an anime lunchbox to my factory job and it doesn't even factor in, if you're cool you're cool.

>log into system >check packages (empty aside from base system. feel happy) >install any packages or compile ports I need for the days work >do work >finish, ok now go remove those same packages and their dependencies >run pkg info (empty, feel happy) >log off >log back on and check it again My obsessive compulsive behavior is effecting my computer use. What the fuarrrk do I do? I've become so fixated on keeping things "clean" its driving me insane.

>>74672 you get over it i've been there, washing my hands hours on end until they crack and bleed. you either control your behavior or your behavior controls you. there isn't another way around it. are you you, or are you a computer with less given data indexed on the hard drive?

>>74522 >But now that I actually find myself engaged in the world around me, able to push on it to produce an effect, what's the point of using social media if not to sell your own soykaf? I've come to the same realization concerning social media and creative work. Most people who produce and propagate something on social media or some other medium rarely consume that much of it. I noticed this myself a while ago. Oddly enough, I'm really glad you're doing well. Usually I don't care, but this stands out for some reason. Also, is that openbox or something in picrel? Very nice wm theme

I don't know whether to do calisthenics or weightlifting. I feel like I can't do both simultaneously. I can do 11 pullups and 40 push ups but I am weak when it comes to weightlifting. I am beginning to build strength with weightlifting now, but if I do calisthenics before I lift weights I can barely lift anything and feel super fatigued, it completely destroys my performance. I don't want to be one of those weightlifters who can barely do 15 push ups, but I want to build more strength. Not sure what to do. When I am lifting weights mentally I feel horrible because I can't stop thinking about how I am avoiding doing calisthenics.

>>74677 Just do whatever you enjoy more. The strength crossover is there you just need to be a little more advanced in one rather than dabbling in both. Plenty of calisthenic guys who only do pushup variations can also outbench gymbros in the same weightclass

When I'm away from the computer screen I don't feel real. I'm hopelessly addicted and relapsing. I need some activities to do outside. I go for daily walks and watch movies in theater. I find it hard to focus and relate to people.

>>74672 This is literally just NixOS with extra steps So just run that lol

It's kind of sickening to me how many basically every guy I know either became >An Engineer >An officer of some kind (Police, Mil) >NCO Literally no exceptions, besides those job-hunting. Like all of these guys I personally knew, all WILDY different people with varied hobbies and interests... Then they all get funneled into one of these three jobs. I'm in the first bucket myself. I wish I could chase my dreams and become an artist, but in this country if you're not slaving away every day then you don't eat. I don't really feel like I'm living life. Working to survive, making enough money for daily comforts/savings but never enough to move upwards or retire early

I want to learn so many different things it has caused me trouble. At any moment I may have time, I open the reading app and pick a book. I've wanted to add literature to the mix for enjoyment or to learn more about a culture, but I am always so focused on reading nonfiction that I just can't enjoy it. I also have an interest in so many topics and at one point or another I've decided I'd commit to this or that learning endeavour that I am actually committed to so many things but I don't have the mental capacity to learn them. But if I pick one out of the bunch and stick to it for a while I end up burning about after some time, and all the rest of the things I've decided to stick to pile up and I can't decide for one or another. I also need to single out one learning endeavour, one resource, or else I can't focus because any time I'm studying or reading, if I have other things out there I keep thinking that I should be using this time to learn that other thing or read that other book. So I either need to decide to "uncommit" from a great many learnings but I also need to keep enough active so I don't just burn out. Therr are some that even though I've wanted to forget all about them, for some reason my mind keeps coming back to them, even if I know I may have nothing to gain from this. And don't get me that "u mae hav adhd" bs, I don't think I do, I've looked at the symptoms and mine are very mild compared to tru adhd. Besides I don't have the money to go find a shrink who will have me go through all her bs just to prescribe me some adderall and I can't afford the drug either so let's forget about that. I am thinking of what each of these subjects brings to the table that I may want to learn it. Maybe therein lies the key to selecting those topics that I could stick to and actually make some progress. I've ready pruned a bit my interests tree but some of them keep branching back.

>>74677 You are overthinking it way too much brother. You are just starting out and your body can only handle so much. You don't need to race to push yourself to do more than you are capable of and then feel guilty about failing that. I would recommend starting with weight lifting and after a couple months you'll feel more comfortable and fit and calisthenics on top of that won't seem as daunting.

>Love food >Skinny despite that because I enjoy fasting a long time before eating >Really enjoy and appreciate every meal >My family even comments on how I'm always praising the cooking and meals >Start having stomach issues >Spend a year+ struggling with it >Well... >Actually I have allergies from [Insert long list of foods] >which includes staples like Wheat, Potatoes, Eggs, Dairy, and Legumes >Forced to eat a lame diet where the only meal I look forward to is lunch (rice + protein) >Can't ever eat out with friends or family Burn it. Just burn it all down. Every day some joy get taken away from me. What's the point of even going on when things are just inevitably going to get worse. It sounds like I'm being overly-dramatic but it fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach man, I'm not even allowed to like something as simple as food.

>>74723 >which includes staples like Wheat, Potatoes, Eggs, Dairy, and Legumes I say generally do not trust health advice you get online but my advice is get yourself detox'd. one suggestion would be citrus diet since vitamin C actually helps control infestations. most allergies come from intestinal worms secreting "the bad stuff" since they're actually the ones who hate "those foods". this includes seed and skin, eggs, etc. and one of which is the so-called "lechtin allergy" which is basically something that one can develop later in life, as such is the only proper explanation for "acquired allergies". also it's not like worms and stuff are "absolutely evil" they sometimes also eat toxic metal deposits and seeds on our intestines until they come to pass (actually it is the brain that can command the living beings within you much like how we quantumly control our cells). even with our brain power though things could get out of hand hence we use antibiotics when we produce too much foreign beings (since multiplication of bacteria/fungi == life/cell resource == repair) and imbalance causes this to overdrive on our nutrients (like a famine within you). typically you won't find a straight answer for stuff on allergy and other stomach conditions since there's a huge gap in our system or it's being "profited" by the industry until we realize our stupidity (oh how many times this happened with our ridiculous medical practices in the past!). one effect is that our body associates "food as bad" when we receive bad secretions from "typically symbiotic" parasites, seeds actually has some degree of toxicity since they're not designed to be consumed (since it's anti-plant propagation), but also vegetable/etc skins are also toxic and even more when not ready since these actually prevents worms from consuming them while not yet ripe! also the reason why some (ancient) natural dewormers use tree bark since it has some effect towards "bugs". another effect is it's a sign that we had accumulated a lot of toxicity and usually it is in metal deposits (hence there's also fish consumption-related allergy and/or sickness). the body's inability to churn/burn/remove these deposits of metal along with radiation causes a disturbance on our cells quantumly communicating, which may result in wrong cell production and inflammation (from even the mildest radiation exposure, usually seen on the electromagnetic hypersensitive crowd). granulocytes are indicator of such problem and some newer genetics have inability to usefully process/expel metal (autism). the only advice I can say for such is maybe try vinegars which have therapeutic chelation effect. also as clue (to those scientists reading my post) find a link between mushrooms (fungus) and lightning strikes. even the sealed bread inside my fridge would develop mold after a strike, I guess you can connect two and two together, these creatures consume/harness energy from EMP but it seems I can't find a lot of paper about that (except the one about prip yat/chernobyl mushrooms). either way I'm just venting out my ideas (as dumb as it may be), just drank coffee and my mind/communication center gets hyperactive. maybe I should pick up my music instruemnt again. hope you get well, I didn't really give you a useful advice but don't feel so down over it. count the little blessings you have had and will have, I find that to be truly joyful is through finding/causing joy in others.

I've been completely alone for a long time now, don't even have a pet or nothing, it's just me and my computer. I used to have online friends but I got sick of them and just ignored them until they stopped remembering that I existed. Now I just wake up, work, go home, and spend time on my computer until I have to sleep. I don't interact with anyone outside either, I don't interact with my coworkers at all and I only go shopping or get gas when nobody's around. Even when my coworkers talk to me, I just lie about everything and just try to end the conversation as quickly as possible. If a job that just had you completely isolated (and paid a livable wage) existed, I would do it. The reason why is that all of my memories and experiences of having "friends" and being a more socially active person is riddled with trauma, heartbreak, betrayal, and humiliation. I know that walling myself off is unhealthy, but I'm just scared that opening up will lead to it all happening all over again, so I just avoid everyone every way I can.

>>74724 >intestinal worms hate Wheat, potatoes, legumes lol, NO, wheat and potatoes in particular are probably favorites of them.

At a point in my life where I'm realizing 99.9999% of anything anyone tells me ever is nonsense. there is usually no reason to entertain anything anyone says, especially anyone who disagrees with me. If it was important enough, I wouldn't need them to say it. I'm not changing my mind. I don't care about your experiences, you aren't even a real living being, you are just a "thing".

>>74734 Yes. This is why I just spray text at people and leave.

>>74734 >>74735 You and everyone else on the internet. That's why it's such a soykafhole.

>>74734 I used to think it was worthwhile considering what other people would have to say, especy those with whom I'd disagree. But whatever is importantto them or makes sense to them doesn't have to do the same for me. What is important to me and makes sense for me to give any consideration is that which my immediate experience makes relevant, not that of some stranger whose conditions I don't even know, and may even be a bot, whether the AI or meat kind.

Why do people still, in 2023, try to extricate "love"/"romance" from sexual desire? it's the dumbest thing. "I just want love, not sex" - someone who has never had anyone show interest in the ever.

Well not much to say, i got this annoying situation while writing stuff on /hum/

>>74739 People try to extricate sexual desire from romantic love too. Hearing some people talk about it it's almost like they've succeeded, maybe they have. Maybe asexuals are real too.

>>74741 I mean, obviously asexuals are not a real thing, it's just some new age idiocy.

>>74740 I think it's just a posting cooldown, but the staff don't make this clear, they have a soykafload of arbitrary filters to stop people from posting, the message doesn't state explicitly what's the problem nor what's the cooldown time, etc. it's like they want to make it painful just to post in their site thinking that to prevent trolls from posting it's a good strategy to prevent everybody from posting.

>>74732 this is my lifestyle. The only difference is that I socialise with co workers just for the sake of expanding my network, but I don't really like them, I don't like anyone because I'm mentally ill and even though that's not my fault I don't have the right to put the blame unto others. That's life!

>>74739 sex and love are two completely different things, they just happen to come together often. But you can have one without the other and it happens ALL THE fuarrrkING TIME both ways.

>>74742 idk, I think if sluts are real then that would mean asexuals are real too. I don't empathize with either, but I think it's possible people feel very differently than I do about sex and romance.

>>74739 Romantic love can't exist without sex, true. But sex can exist without love, and it's very common. I think that's what those people are talking about.

>Went on a work trip with a bunch of normal person screenwriters for a month >Focus on not being an asshole, joke all the time and make people smile and laugh >On the train trip back home I put on headphones with no music and start falling asleep >Coworkers starts talking about me >"I've never met someone so full of hatred before, I wonder if there's a bunch of people like anon out there" >"Yeah, he's cool though, it's a shame he never cleans up" >All of them seem to love me, have offered their help on future projects, some already work for me and everyone made plans to hang out with me soon and seemed eager to meet me again >Did not raise my voice once during the whole month >Started every day with breathing exercices and a cold shower in order to not lose my cool How the fuarrrk did they notice my hatred for the world? I did say I'm antinatalist but come on, like I spent the whole month being the town jester I expected them to think I'm a fuarrrking idiot or something. And yet despite that they all want to hang out with me and help me out on my next movie, I don't understand normal people.

>>74751 >I did say I'm an antinatalist But that single statement alone expresses your hatred for humanity. How did you think that would play out? You don't even need to say anything else

>>74751 It's your face and nonberbal communication. You probably have a sour "fuarrrk you" face that screams "I hate this"

>>74692 What other jobs are there for men that don't put you into a precarious liability situation? The medical field is garbage, any soft science or liberal art is turning female dominated, and the fields are turning way too political. The alternatives are all blue collar jobs that pay well but don't allow advancement an electrician is an electrician, a plumber is a plumber. Dropship businesses or alpaca/smegma male influencers if you want to make money without doing anything of value? lol,lmao even. >>74751 People can sense when you aren't like them. Also it's pretty common to use humor as a cover for the darkness you are trying to hide. You are probably just bad at hiding it. You are probably going to turn into one of their characters to be honest.

All men hate women and all women hate men It's all so tiring Honestly makes me wonder why everyone doesn't just make do with same sex relationships if we all just fuarrrking hate each other that much, like is whatever the other person offers so valuable to the point where you're willing to deal with whatever dark fuarrrked up bullshit the person in question has beneath the surface? Maybe relationships and friendships and what have you are a thing of the past, each side fuarrrking hates each other to a near genocidal point and the only way people really get along nowadays is if they're all clones of each other How do people become friends? How do people even get together? Why do people want to get together?

>>74761 Straight people cannot choose to be gay. You are forgiven for not understanding this if you are bi

>>74751 You can make all the efforts you want, it's all in the eyes. Eyes don't lie. I sometimes met people that wanted to beat the soykaf out of me just because my eyes were full of anger, sadness and hatred despite me being very polite and civil.

>>74761 wouldn't it be cool if men and women would just have casual intercourse, and then just give the baby to the side that wants it, (usually, one of the two parties involved doesn't want the baby as much), and let the baby be raised by that parent in a homosexual relationship? You vill eat ze bugs!

>>74762 You can degrade people into becoming any number of things.

>>74720 There's about 37 times you used "I" in this post. English language has a tendency to focus on the individual, but that's a bit much. Consider the implications

>>74762 People can be trained to be anything,

I am so frustrated with myself. I have no skills, no interests anymore, no healthy habits, no smarts, no logic ability, no common sense. No happiness.

I need some fuarrrking pot or im going to pass away

When exactly is stress helpful, I see stuff online where its like "A normal amount of stress can help motivate you to reach your goals or get something done", I understand how this could be the case and at one point it was for me but it isnt now and I dont think it has to be for anyone. More often stress paralyzes me from doing something that if I just rationally came to terms with is something I have to do and can usually think of reasons why its something I can either enjoy doing or enjoy it being done. This is actually always how I develop getting in the habit of doing something, ive never developed a habit of doing something because not doing it stressed me out. Its always only when I go we cant keep stressing about this clearly its something you want to do anyways if you are so stressed that it suddenly just is worth doing on its own. Obviously stress serves an important function, if someone is about to attack me or im going to starve if I dont find food the sort of high alert stress puts you on is immensely useful. But in a fairly stable society, regardless if collapse is imminent or something, how is stress possibly worth paying mind to. It might help someone on the surface for a while who sees like missing a day of work as the equivalent of ending up homeless and starving, but probably at great cost to their actual health and because stress sort of in a feedback loop also affects things like sleep I wouldnt be surprised if it shortens your life to be this way. I cant for myself ever think of a time when stress was ever productive to my "goals", as I mentioned it might get you into work that day or make you cram for an exam that night but that only gets you through that day, it doesnt help at all build (and I think stunts) the kind of long term things you really want such as to be someone who understands the value of studying or your job, or maybe to realize you dont see things like that and whatever you are doing isnt what you should be doing. I think some people when you propose this think "wow how entitled" or "how narrow minded of a view just wait till we are in a situation where you need to actually struggle for real daily". And while what im saying comes from a position of a sort of entitlement, when ive actually talked to people from areas where just surviving is truly a daily part of life, or even people here in america on the street who are struggling to survive, what they say is usually "what could you possibly have to stress about". The instinct I think is to just see this as yourself being inconsiderate for bringing up your stress to someone in far worse circumstamces. Instead of actually listening and taking this very true insight to heart thats coming from someone who must stress whereas I in many ways choose to. To me its probably more insulting to pretend its law that "ohh the stresses of the modern world activate the same stress response as a survival situation". They can do that but certainly dont have to, we are ultimately the ones who were trained to see or trained ourselves to see these things as equivalent out of some fear that if we dont we wont get anything done. And while you cant in some instant suddenly forget all that training you can certainly make an effort to respect and appreciate you are in a position where as long as you think for your safety and security, you dont need to stress for your safety and security in such ways and if you ever did need to it would be like immediately obvious Me and most posting here are in a position where even if whats considered like an actual threat to your survival in the first world happened such as potentially losing your job, you still arent under any threat to your survival in the short term which seems about the only time stress is useful. Perhaps if you dont get another job soon you will be at risk of starving on the street, but that isnt going to happen tommorow or the next day or possibly for several weeks or longer and so by the time you need to worry about it the stress of losing your job will have already subsided and in the time it was around it will have not helped you better your circumstances at all and probably just caused you to waste time panicking and spiraling. Time that could have been spent in a much calmer state finding another job or reaching out for support in a state not facing this negative cognitive debuff of stress. This is probably just the way my brain works, and someone does actually get intense motivation from stress yet also doesnt overstress and hurt themselves. But the way I see things this common thought that some stress is good when you are someone living or renting a house with a job in an area where you can say with 99% propability you wont just die tommorow is like this false dichotomy acting as if the alternative is you have no motivation to do such things and flounder, when in fact there is many alternative ways to stress to find the motivation you need. Meanwhile on the other hand I dont personally know anyone who feels stress is an important significant motivator that is able to simply "turn it off" at some appropriate amount and not cause themselves unnecessary grief. It seems innate to the human body to me that because stress builds up and builds up to eventually reach a tipping point that helps us in these intense survival situations where we are at life or death peril, using that same stress as a motivator to like achieve your goal of getting a promotion to have more money and any number of goals like this all the time is basically just some kind of self harm. I cant think of any reason I shouldnt start replacing every thought that kickstarts my stress response with one that explains why I probably actually want to do whatever the stress was supposed to motivate against my will anyways. Im not going to suddenly cease being able to be stressed in the times where I actually need to be alert, its like unavoidable in those instances.

So I tried to stop being a NEET but even tech support jobs here require a college degree. I go into cafes and bars and ask for work. Nothing. I know three languages. I can program. Its still not enough.

>>74782 you have to be more annoying and persistent.

>>74782 >>74783 Also try exaggerating your skills and basically being a self-promoting asshole. That's how you get ahead in this world.

I'm being mind raped by interdimensional space demons. Green tea drinking suppresses the thoughts but I need something with more power.

>>74780 Maybe you are conflating "stress" with "worry" or "anxiety"? I would say these things are a bit different. >Me and most posting here are in a position where even if whats considered like an actual threat to your survival in the first world happened such as potentially losing your job, you still arent under any threat to your survival in the short term which seems about the only time stress is useful How about, driving on the highway? You don't need a high level of stress to drive on the highway, but you should be a little bit stressed, because you are one wrong move or a lapse of attention away from yourself or others being smooshed, so it's best not to be *too* chill in that particular moment.

i dont ponder things, i dont think i'm inquisitive. i dont feel like i even think, when i think about something it usually has to be deliberate now, i dont care about stuff. i feel like when i was younger i would ponder things, i'd stay up at night thinking about various things, astronomy for example, i dont absorb as much information as i would have when i was younger, maybe it's just a natural slowing of creativity and introspection. when i was younger i thought i was smart, now that im older i see that im nothing special. there's no genuine interest that leads me into some deep thought, i dont care, i am bothered by it though.

>>74733 >lol, NO, wheat and potatoes in particular are probably favorites of them. I'll say you're not wrong on that however in particular legumes do have ways to make themselves protected and isn't just a sitting duck (which plants are pretty much- unable to move or itch itself). usually the thin skin of a peanut contains toxins (for worms* which is what worms exactly hate or what the worm is "allergic to" even if they're not aware and just consume), now that said a lot of seeds actually have "seed coats" that serve as protection toxin of the plants. a worm may eat plenty of these seeds (in particular tomato seeds) and die inside your appendix causing obstruction and appendicitis. whole/unpolished wheat and grains still have these special coats and while worms love what is inside, the coat may kill them or make their body release "stuff" that signals people to be allergic SO people would stop consuming things that are harmful to that parasite. with potatoes it is evident that bruising (or rather bruising of most tubers or vegetable, or plants) cause them to develop a "green" toxic parts and harden to avoid burrowing of worms or certain insects, in particular nightshade variants are good at this. the bruising also makes the plants grow some level of toxicity on that specific part and this may be toxic to even humans! but when worms get these toxic they may also signal to its host that "you should stop eating these". it is though quite peculiar that "nightshades" are in the big bad list for people with "lechtin allergy" which also develops in old age usually. is consuming lechtin-rich foods a link on inflammation? here is an interesting question from the link's OP https://www.reddit.com/r/AutoImmuneProtocol/comments/ju8xjf/if_gluten_and_nightshades_are_so_inflammatory_why/ >If gluten and nightshades are so inflammatory, why don't we see higher incidences of autoimmune diseases in countries like Italy where these foods are regularly consumed? we do see some kind of increase actually, in particular meniere's disease is more common in Italy than anywhere, but it is also likely that the sufferers had parasitic infestation. so in reality everything organic is not a all-you-can-eat buffet for the worms otherwise we'd have reached cosmic death by now...

>>74796 You are pondering yourself in this post, even if maybe you were very close to not even posting it. It sounds like the issue is the type of pondering. Maybe you ponder about things like this and the stresses of adult life instead of things that bring joy and interest. Or maybe in general you feel like the things you ponder are a lot shallower? I think its pretty normal once we are kind of firmly into adulthood to suddenly take stock of our now much more stable identity and wonder what was lost and what was gained. One thing I wonder is do you immersive yourself in things like astronomy today? Theres a lot to ponder about as a kid because we don't know the answers to many things and also because often we are gaining new information about said thing through school and books or stuff online on our own even (as we have so many questions unanswered). At some point though you have enough of an understanding about say astronomy where it likely isn't as interesting to ponder anymore. Without immersing yourself in new or more specific astronomy knowledge, or a different topic entirely, what really could you ponder that hasn't already been pondered by you before. We dont often spontaneously ponder things without experiencing something new and as a kid even just looking at the night sky creates a lot of new information and questions to think about. You can't really force this experience again nor should you because it will turn the act into a sort of chore you are responsible for; which is what we do to a lot of things as adults in an attempt to recapture some joy we had as a child. In reality the first time you got joy out of thinking about astronomy lying in bed at night was not done in any attempt to be smart or special. These were expectations others set for you that turned you thinking about such things into what defined you as smart or special, and once that happens suddenly its an expectation to be met instead of a source of joy. And so that original joy cant be captured when its still in the framework of something you think you ought to be be doing, because that was never the reason you did it. I think if you really think about why this is bothering you, you are going to find there isnt any reason it should. That had you had any of these worries and bothers as a kid you probably would have never pondered astronomy in the first place as it would have had too much negative baggage that made you want to avoid it. I think once this is kind of internalized and you decide "Its fine if I never want to think about and analyze great scientific topics ever again, there is no real reason or consequence forcing me to" it becomes ironically a lot easier to rediscover your enjoyment of said thing again.

I get irrationally upset when my alone time is disrupted and always have. A lot of stuff online is just people saying "oh me too" and going into why as if its everyone elses problem. I dont feel the same. I also see a lot of people saying its an ADHD thing but I have taken ritalin, adderall, vyvanse, and some others both in large and small doses and over lengths of time every day and in binge moments and this is all because it gets me high and anything amphetamine like does even in very small amounts. Unless you are one of the people inclined to believe every person with adhd is lying, which I am not, from what I understand if I had such a disorder these things should make me calm or on some negative end "zombie like" which they definitely do not for me they make me very euphoric and wired and more emotional than normal. Although the ritalin mainly just makes me wired and emotional and not the euphoric part. Starting at like 12 to 18, id get very annoyed and upset with my mom when she would come into my room to even just say hi or whatever. As I got more towards 18 and matured a little I would try to still be nice and happy when she came in but this would cause her to stay around longer and make me more annoyed. I really never felt like I was justified in this because id want to be by myself on my computer or drawing or whatever for like 6 hours straight and I knew like its just pretty unreasonable to expect you wont be interrupted for 6 hours but it was like a struggle to keep a happy face any time I was interrupted once I had settled down into private time. Though I never have little childish mean "go away!!" type moments now obviously when I have decided I have the day for myself which might be my whole weekend I get this anxiety and frustration when my partner or a friend is like can you come over or wants to talk on the phone. When I dont decide to have the day to myself because im working and then maybe after going to my partners place, it like I dont appreciate the day cause it wasnt my day. The whole time im just thinking about how it basically all still feels like work as its not time for myself and looking forward to said time to myself or that "break", of which its never enough. The thing is I once basically took a year all for myself and I cant say it was time I look back fondly on or where anything really got done beyond basic things. Il offen feel like say im drawing that when someone interrupts me with a phone call like "oh my good i was finally in the zone and now its ruined" but the funny thing will be I had all day to do that drawing or could even have done it while with someone but for whatever reason didnt. Its never like I actually cant find enough time in the day to have some alone time to focus, my little drawings or whatever arent taking all day. My worry is that when I move in with my partner il feel this irrational anxiety and stress about never having time to truly be alone and become snappy and mean like I used to be with my mom in my teenage years. Because even knowing later in the day I have to hang out with someone or call someone for some reason makes me feel like in the time inbetween I cant relax. This doesnt feel like some personal preference this feels like a kid unreasonably having tantrums only its my brain. The idea that my time would be better spent by myself is demonstrably false, and its not like I actually never enter a state just as relaxed as I would be by myself when im with others. Im often equally stressed alone. This all feels like something I should have matured out of but didnt. Whats weird is from like 18-23 I often was never fully alone as I was always living in a dorm or in some kind of communal housing. And somehow it didnt bother me that I wasnt alone. Yet when I first came to college I had this total panic attack about not being at home and not being able to escape others and then after a few weeks I just adjusted. Its possible when I move in with my partner it will be the same but its a little jarring cause from their perspective its something to look forward to while for me its causing a lot of stress and anxiety that im just praying we can work out.

Skin to skin physical contact creates an odd electric sensation, which I find unpleasant.

MY HEAD HURTS LIKE SHET UGHHHH

Every time I talk to someone I can tell they know something is wrong with me but they're not sure what. It's like everyone is confused that I exist. When there's a group of people talking I get confused what I'm supposed to do, when they all laugh about something I don't find funny I have a hard time forcing myself to fake a laugh, so they look at me and my monotone face is weirding them out because they expect me to laugh. I can function pretty well sometimes I just need to mentally prepare for it beforehand and be ready to act "normal". But most of the times I'm caught off guard and my brain is somewhere else and I can't keep up with people around me. It's so frustrating I can't even say hi sometimes because it comes off weird, or it sounds too formal with some people because I don't understand how I'm supposed to talk to them. I have very little problem talking to co-workers because we mostly talk about work... Even small things like when if we have a guest at our house who is a normal person and we happen to walk past each other while I'm going to the kitchen they always make eye contact and smile which I find very strange so I don't do that, I completely ignore them because I don't know how else to respond and it makes me anxious. My voice never matches my mood or what I'm thinking, people often think I'm angry or that I don't care when that's not true. I have to put so much effort into little things that come naturally to everyone else, I just hate myself because if you're going to be this weird at least be a genius at something so it can offset your weirdness but I'm just an average person in that regard so I don't understand why I trying to force myself onto the world so hard when I'm clearly not built for this.

>>74837 Are you on the spectrum? Just curious

>>74843 I don't know. But I'm sure one of my siblings is.

God I fuarrrking hate the Israeli government and fuarrrk the mainstream media too.

>>74692 it's because those have a good pay hell, I wanted to apply to part-time work to the police to at least have it as an extra option after college. I don't remember if it's a joke or an anecdote from my country or somewhere else, but it went something like this: a stupid man who works the shovel gets a decent pay from the intelligent guy, while the smart man who works his brain gets a bad pay from the dumb guy it's why, despite being quite important, teachers most of the time get a soykaf pay, while guys who cut trees and branches can afford a nice car (speaking from experience on this one, I work part-time for a guy who deals with trees and buildings, and while its sometimes long and hard work, it's lucrative as all hell)

>>74851 its fuarrrked in gaza rn. people are using batteries. internet is getting worse. we are completely fuarrrked.

I am hideous. Seeing images of myself makes me want to vomit. My face is so distinctly ugly. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach that people can recognize me after not seeing me for years because I am just that fuarrrking ugly.

>>74887 >we are completely fuarrrked Yeah. Yeah, you are. They can go full Grozny on you and realistically nobody's going to care at this point. Enjoy your genocide, I guess?

Reducing risk aversion. Resurrecting the imagination. Rebuilding the will to play with fire in the dark.

Have you guys ever been shunned from a community on the internet? I don't think it matters if you don't use your real name or voice, you can always start from zero with another name but trying to come back to the same places pretending you're a different person it's never worth it (not that I ever done it). I wrote a long post about my experiences getting shunned, derezzed and ¨doxxed¨ using this paragraph but decided to delete it because it was boring, tell me about yourself...

My life feels like some weird nightmare where all the people i knew are now old and all the places i used to go are dead or completely changed and i'm mostly jaded about tech and i'm living in a dump, worrying about how to save for retirement.

>>74800 seems like you are just a bit nervous lainon. It will be sort of like college but less restrictive cuz it's your girlfriend so you can open up more. You just gotta learn how to ask for your own space sometimes which is a learning practice but you'll get it.

>>74937 I would've read it, lainon.

>>74937 No, not really. I've never stayed in an online community for too long. If I sense "bad vibes" or conflict I leave the before it gets bad.

>>74937 >Have you guys ever been shunned from a community on the internet? After being physically tortured to the point where it broke down my shapeshifting / chameleon behaviors, and I couldn't drift between whatever groups I wanted and speak their language, then I was consistently ignored and shunned. When I started to realize that the sensation that something is wrong with this world I've had since birth was more true than I could imagine, ;and started trying to talk about reality, that was the end. At the core I'm characterized by avoidance, indifference, risk aversion, schizoid self interest, and therefore when people naturally present themselves on the basis of the new you so to speak, I ignored and rejected them as well. I don't interact with anyone.

I was sort of a skeptic about short form content being as bad as people were claiming. In some sense I still am as I dont think the short form content itself is whats bad but contributes to an overall behaviour ive noticed in myself and others that im starting to realize how it affects me. In reality I think its something well known and documented with substance use or even mindless tv watching that is at the core of the issue and I made the connection while using a substance that doesn't exactly just "pass the time" in itself, and that normally makes me quite anxious unless im doing something. But this time I decided because it was highlighting my anxieties so much, I was going to sit with them and even go for a casual mundane walk and really get to the bottom of what the hell was going on. Nothing but my thoughts and a walk around the lake, people frequently passing by, on my weekend I was trying to make the most out of. Often I have all these ideas about what I might do on my weekend or when I get home from work, often so many I cant sort through them all. Or sometimes I try to do one and realize it is not making me feel any joy or sense of accomplishment, and I wonder if I even like doing this thing. Often this is because the only reason I chose to do that thing was out of an anxiety itself, some idea that if I didnt say try to work on a portfolio website I was wasting time. So when I come home to "unwind" and figure out what it is I should do, what I want to do, I decide il mess around on my phone in the meantime. And then this becomes the activity, and its one that fills my head with even more anxieties and worries as I maybe see stuff others are doing that im not or get even more ideas about what I could do but "oops its too late in the day for that now". I was remembering that when I was a kid or even in my teens when I was bored id pretty much spend a lot of time sitting there, trying different things, and eventually something would become preferable to sitting there in silence. Some of those preferable things I might come to understand I liked. This all stopped when my depression started to set in and that sitting in stillness would give way to unbearable thoughts. But now that I am more comfortable and know how to navigate my head, whats just remained is this habit of idly doing various things on my phone, often not even realizing ive just been watching instagram reels or whatever for the past 40 minutes. Knowing how I came to find things I wanted to do as a kid, its no wonder that today there is this frustrating dilemna of seemingly no activity bringing me peace or joy. This is compounded by the fact that through college the only thing that would have brokeb me out of these idle activities would be anxieties and stresses about needing to do something. And so ive decided to do absolutely nothing at all until I actually am moved to do something. While the outcome of this is no more just reaching for my phone when I dont know what to do, its more than that even. It means not even doing the things I know I liked doing if my reason for doing them isnt out of a genuine want to do them. The first day I decided to do nothing I genuinely did nothing, I came home from work and just sat there and ended up going to bed at a far more reasonable time, and waking up far earlier. And so the next day after sitting for a good hour I decided I did in fact want to do some drawings as well as just edit some pictures of my dog as an alien in photoshop. These tasks didnt have 0 frustrations or anything but they werent any more frustrating than doing absolutely nothing (at a certain point, doing nothing can be quite enjoyable for different amounts of times depending on the day you had). When I start to worry "What if I just spend this whole day doing nothing" I sort of realize "Isnt that what you were already doing?" and also that ive spent so little time as of late doing nothing I actually have a lot of catching up to do with regards to the activity. So many things that normally never come up happen in this space, such as these thoughts but even small things. I might look around my space that I normally decide is clean after a certain standard and realize there is actually still a lot disorganized and get up and do that. This isnt some new or revolutionary thought but its always phrased as some, in my opinion, stupid abstracted thing such as doing a "dopamine reset". Which isnt even entirely accurate and I actually have never seen such a thing work long term for someone whos only goal in doing it is to "reset their dopamine" because regardless of what they understand about neurochemistry its meaningless gibberish to the part of their brain that needs actual recognizable things to tell itself to make change. For me its the fact that I will never find out what I truly want to do, and what I truly like, without being able to make peace with doing nothing at all; and combatting every insecure or anxious thought that pulls me to do something and only listening to the ones that say "I think I would rather try doing that then continuing to do nothing". A prerequisite of this being to accept the fact and make peace with that if I choose to, outside of my daily tasks and burdens ive taken on such as relationships and work, I can do nothing at all and ultimately there is no universal punishment or negative that matters if I choose to do that. I will not have "lost the day" if I do nothing but sit in thought anymore then if I twiddled around on my phone or paced around my room, I will not have any less to say nor would it matter if I did when someone asks "what do you do in your freetime". All that matters for my own joy and ability to be at peace in my free time is what I can find id rather be doing for no other reason than I seem to be drawn to it in this negative space in life. Its been hard to find a thought like this I can latch on to, its I think even harder (and always has been) when you are just a regular person within any society. Many grander thoughts, regardless of what anyone says, present a world where you have the option of continuing as you are or totally quitting your job and leaving everyone behind to go be a hermit. Something realistically only a handful of people will do, regardless of how much you vaguely tell yourself its going to be you one day to distract yourself only for it to never happen. So for me the thoughts ive written here today allow me to be happier in where I actually find myself now.

I hate the 3d world. How long before I can enter the wired?

With every day that passes I feel more disconnected from the world, as if my mental capacity is shrinking more and more, with absolutely no motivation to get out of the abyss and only having the need to drown in any kind of escapism.

>>74937 >shunned from a community would you consider being derezzed being shunned? ill assume that you mean being an active in a community before everyone tells them to fuarrrk off. dont know why its such a big deal, and this happens routinely for me, i go on a website and start saying soykaf that pisses of f people and slowly i get derezzed or people think of me as "that guy" in the internet community. now before you go rushing to call me an autist that cant manage to engage in normal socialising, i have to remind you i am perfectly capable of playing to the ploys of these communities and most of the time i either come in knowing that the people will hate me or study the behaviour of users before repeatedly pissing them off by challanging their metaphysical assumptions essential to the culture of that community and viola i get "shunned"

>>74957 try reading the psycopaths bible by dr christopher hyatt before delving into other magickal material

>>74937 >you can always start from zero with another name but trying to come back to the same places pretending you're a different person I used to do this, but i came to the conclusion that it really isn't worth it, it just isn't. In general I struggle to socialise so much. I've only been able to pretend, but it gets tiring very quickly because I'm not like that.

>>74943 wrote it and then deleted it again, it's honestly too much drama and I get over things better trying to forget about them. Nothing serious anyway. >>74978 good luck, I noticed my social skills improving using the internet.

>>74949 Shit, I'm in the same boat on all fronts, even the physical torture. I'm trying to work on changing myself; Not having anyone to talk to at all has gotten really lonely. Sometimes, with the way I act, I wonder if I even like people. Despite this constant hunger for contact, I still do nothing to connect, if not outright refusing to. It's been really difficult, and I still don't know what to do with myself.

I failed to get into college for a second time. Its over orz I guess its just not meant to be

>>75002 You WILL study the original Silva Mind Control Method by going to libgen and downloading it. You WILL look into Neville Goddard. You WILL study a bit of Kabbalism to improve the flow of energy in your mind. You WILL exercise, depollute your environment, get proper sleep and nutrition. And you WILL be SUCCESSFUL.

>>75002 Get a blue collar job. Better than collage.

>>75006 You go to kollidge to get a blue hair job.

>>75002 Same major or two different ones? If the same maybe you should study something else.

>>75005 >depollute your environment, get proper sleep and nutrition. How do I do this? Also never heard of those other two guys. >>75006 I work in construction already. >>75008 Different.

>>75007 underrated post. stay blessed lain.

Hi lains, I am a bit lost. I wish I had a quiet place that I could go and be alone and ponder about things. Right now everything is confused and jumbled together and I am constantly being spied on. I think I am pretty unhappy. I don't really know what to do and I don't think I can solve all my problems alone.

anytime something goes wrong, even a slightest inconvenience, i get instantly down, my mood often does 180 and i get the very, very real urge to end it all. had someone honk on the road on me for something that was 100% my fault (not a crash or a scratch even), it took me 4 days to finally get over it. i hate my job, it's stressful and opens up the mentioned-before mood shifts. thanks to that, im a walking stress bomb and i cant control my feelings any longer, at best i cry myself to sleep, at worst i explode with anger towards people that maybe did not exactly deserve it i can't quit it, since it's hell looking for a job nowadays. still live with my parents, because there is no way a single guy like me can get enough money to rent even a 1-room apartament. i failed college, was thinking on going back for a different major, but i'm so stupid i will get kicked anyway, which will set me back a few months if i could just go to sleep and not wake up one morning i would be very happy. my life is just nothing at this point, there is simply no hope for me, stuck with narcisstic parents, with a job i hate and no prospects for the future, probably mentally ill in some way as well.

not sure where to start but im 22 now, and over the past few years ive made a great deal of progress regarding myself. I've taken up the gym, going consistently for nearly 2 years, have close friends who I like talking to, have plans for travel, learned about various historical topics, grew closer to my religion, planning a pilgrimage and had a huge amount of growth socially. But despite all this I still feel very much alone and lost in the world. It's not quite the feeling of being alone, I do want to find a partner who I can share my life with but I really don't think it'll stop the monotony that I feel with my life. I'll be finishing university soon so I won't be coasting as I was previously and will have to start actively looking for a partner, a job and most importantly a goal in life. There's almost no struggle in my life, I can coast through everything without much difficulty. I'm aware how fortunate I am to have this be my circumstance but it makes motivation so hard to grasp. I'm also dealing with the reality of getting old. I'm only 22, but it feels like my uni experience was robbed cause I go to a commuter school plus the fact that there was covid taking out 2.5 of the 4 years I had. I found this forum a little over 3 years ago and found so much joy in it. I used to love playing video games, watching anime, coding, going out with friends but now it all feels empty. I cant sit through a single episode of something new without getting bored in the first 10 mins. Now I spend my time researching politics and history and although I find some joy in it, it feels nowhere near comparable to what I once had. In a couple months I'll start working and then I'll lose even those nights I have all alone. I wonder if I should move somewhere far away after university and try out life on my own, without the comforts I'm used to. I enjoy being alone but only to a certain extent. I wonder how I'd cope with having to find new friends, people to talk to and hobbies if I was to do it from scratch. Will it increase or decrease my chance of finding a partner having to go venture into the world alone all the time, will I still care to stay up all night? I could likely find a relationship in my hometown and never experience the solo bachelor life but I don't know if that's a pro or a con for someone like me. hope someone finds my rambling relatable

I don't want to be a burden anymore. I produce nothing and I've lost the capacity to learn. I'm 19. Directionless. I have put effort into keeping all my doors open, but I swear to fuarrk i must be bipolar or something, I can't focus either. It's natural selection. If there is a god where the fuarrk did he go. I'm probably schizoid at best. It's evident that nobody wants me around. I fuarrked the one intimate relationship i had with this fuarrking degen russian chick who ended up being a cheater and a lying bribing fuaaark. God may forgive me, but I don't expect any good woman to. I've devalued my word with fluff and actionless rhetoric. There ain't anything left for me here lain. I've been thinking about "checking out" which is selfish as fuarrk i know. I'm just so fuarrking alone. Even God has abandoned me. I don't wanna die but I do. I can't bear even sending a "goodbye" message to anyone. I don't wanna be convinced to live then have to live with the shame of that. I'd rather go quietly, I don't wanna be a nusiance or hurt anyone.

>>75061 wow, this is like the post above you but edgier and more deluded. Surely breaking up with a clearly bad girl isn't the only reason for wanting to sudoku? Maybe if you weren't so desperate you wouldn't have wanted to be with her in the first place? Yes, it is natural to want to be in a relationship, but timing is not so exact. The idea that you have to be in relationships all your life starting immediately after you turn 18 is ridiculous. I can relate to your issues with other people. A lot of times I think about how I did or said something cringey throughout my life. I can't say that I had an overall positive effect on people, so I need to spend a lot of time to overwrite those memories with more positive ones so I can better myself and others.

>>75065 I was too blind to see how fuarrked she was until it was too late. She was never upfront about any of it, and when things finally started to surface I tried to hold a mentality of forgiveness and to move on, it was a form of denial. Yeah it's pretty desperate. The problem is that now I'm "used goods", in the process I lowered myself to her level. I have in effect fuarrrked myself over for any potential future relationships and wasted 7 months of my fuarrking life all for someone I'm never even going to meet irl. I'm actually retarded. I don't want to sit and stew in self-pity I struggle to talk to people anymore because I've become so isolated. Reintegration seems impossible when you're around good people who've made good choices and have the basic wisdom and foresight to not fuarrk up like I have, and are already well established in their own cliques.

My vent for the day is that everyone I grew up with is either autistic, aspergian, depressed, or a silly goose. The rest of everyone bungled their lives early on and had kids with women who abandoned them and their children so they are too busy working and being single parents to have friends. Sadly it leaves no one to work with and share the good things in life with most of the time.

I watched a YouTube video about gender dysphoria and figured I probably have similar feelings. Except not with gender identity, but existing in general. I have being alive dysphoria. What the fuarrrk am I supposed to do with this revelation?

I love political philosophy and geopolitics but I can't find anywhere online to discuss it that isn't filled with real world politics or cancerous political culture. Why are people like this? I just want somewhere to discuss Plato or Confucius or ancient Rome and not have to deal with mentally ill right wingers pushing fringe theories about race or brain damaged leftists who worship one author from Victorian times and interpret literally everything through his work like a deranged cult. I guess anything to do with politics is inevitably going to suck thanks to news media melting peoples brains and becoming a bad substitute for religion. Where can I discuss humanities related stuff with people online that isn't some insufferable subreddit stuffed with retarded academics who've just discovered the internet?

>>75071 >I love political philosophy and geopolitics but I can't find anywhere online to discuss it that isn't filled with real world politics or cancerous political culture. Why are people like this? I just want somewhere to discuss Plato or Confucius or ancient Rome Why the hell would someone actually care about Political Philosophy if all they focus on is something solved? Plato and Confucious are old, and their stuff doesn't apply to the world anymore. Hell, most people (not necessarily you, but most) who actually read their stuff just do it to act as if they have a big cock. There is no practical reason to discuss it w/o actual politics. If it's a puzzle, then that just makes it better. That said, the annoying right wingers and leftists are SO DAMN ANNOYING and nobody sane actually likes them. Idk a good place, but I wish you luck. (Possibly a chat room might be better, like in Discord, privacy and stuff notwithstanding)

>>75071 I probably didnt need to do all this and could have just not posted but I felt I understood your post and wasnt about to find which specific word in my essay I ended up typing triggered the spam filter (this may be a messy post but I KNOW its not that bad) so here is an also messy compilation of what I typed I made on my phone.

>>75071 And yet you likely deny the NPC concept.

>>75071 >pushing fringe theories about race Like just looking at world IQ map and knowing it isn't explained solely by nurture and "cultural biases"? Anyway, I kinda expected an intellectual for whom politics is dissociated from the actual issues of his polis to be as spineless as Ted describes them; try to escape your argumentum ad temperantiam mindset and embrace being radical if being right must lead to that.

I've been completely alone for a long time now, don't even have a pet or nothing, it's just me and my computer. I used to have online friends but I got sick of them and just ignored them until they stopped remembering that I existed. Now I just wake up, work, go home, and spend time on my computer until I have to sleep. I don't interact with anyone outside either, I don't interact with my coworkers at all and I only go shopping or get gas when nobody's around. Even when my coworkers talk to me, I just lie about everything and just try to end the conversation as quickly as possible. If a job that just had you completely isolated (and paid a livable wage) existed, I would do it. The reason why is that all of my memories and experiences of having "friends" and being a more socially active person is riddled with trauma, heartbreak, betrayal, and humiliation. I know that walling myself off is unhealthy, but I'm just scared that opening up will lead to it all happening all over again, so I just avoid everyone every way I can. >>74732 Hey lainanon, I just want you to know you're not alone. There are many people just like you and I want you to wakeup and enjoy what you do. What's important is that you were honest with yourself when you wrote this and you just haven't found friends who appreciate you for who you are yet. They do exist and it's good you didn't spend time you got sick of. But sometimes there is some give and take and it's worth giving a little bit for a net gain. I hope you find good friends that give you a netgain in the future, if you decide take the risk to trust someone else with your time again like you did with me and all us on lainchan!

All modern technology is fuarrrking trash. I am simultaniously setting up linux installation and windows vm inside it. fuarrrking RedHat don't supply mesa in their repo because they are afraid for their asses of h264 licensing, despite almost every other distribution not giving a fuarrrk about it. They trade a small possibility of legal fees for fuarrrking up user experience. Drivers can be installed from RPMFusion with 50Kib/s download speed. Debian packages are outdated long before they leave testing. Packman on Arch is utter garbage, it requires you to constantly update or the system will be fuarrrked up (ask me how I know it). It also requires you to manually tinker with mirror list and if you forget to manually update it the mirrors you selected will go down or become slow. Or you can usr kernel.org mirror which is up but utterly slow. Most other distros even worse and don't even have proper docs. Windows is a pile of smoking soykaf which will try to fuarrrk you at every step and will spend your time and computer resources on things you never use. From the start it will will try force you to make a Microshit account and give permission to send every single bit of information it cal (il)legaly collect. Then it will fill you hard drive with gigabytes of software that you will never use (the fact that you're not using it doesn't stop it from using your resources). It will force you to install updates that give you nothing but BSOD. It will constantly start services to collect information, download updates for the apps, the system, Defender. And of course it will run processes to consume CPU, RAM, disk and network resources. Google the name of a random task in task manager. All you will get is questions how to disable it. If you disable Windows Defender it will reenable itself after a reboot. There are guides how to disable it, but they don't work. They're basically algorithms that would be performed by malware to disable it, so they get "fixed". Treating your users as malware. If you have a certain problem then fuarrrk you. The internet is filled with copypasted and machine-generated(I specifically avoid the word "AI") content that explains how to click 3 buttons in a menu. Anything that is harder than that doesn't get through google averagely-optimized degenerate-targeting algorithms. You will spend hours trying to solve a resource consumption problem by performing mindless button-clicking algorithm. I repeat it will spend your time and computer resources on things you never use. fuarrrk it, I will install Gentoo with Suckless software. At least if something breaks it will be my fault, I will know what is it and how to fix it.

I have no future and it will never get better. I'm not talking about my mental health, even though that is an issue too, but my circumstances stop me from doing anything. There are no opportunities to advance for me. I'm stuck in survival mode and will be for the next 60 years and then I'll die. My family is in soykafty circumstances too so they can't help me.

Aaaaaaaa I'm gonna punch the wall! Also: tesy

>>75149 It's not great to punch hard surfaces over the long term. I had a phase where I'd punch metal doors and concrete bathroom walls until my knuckles swole up and got purple and blue and I couldn't bend my fingers. I stopped but now in the winter when my hands get cold my knuckles can turn purplish and I wonder if it was from some damage to blood vessels in them.

>>75070 Read James Cook. Read Adolf Hitler Read the Talmud. Read the Greek Classics. that's all you need to get over it.

>>75163 >james cook who that?

a common theme im seeing on here and with myself is an inability to learn anything. Disassociation, brain fog, and all the feelings of inadequacies associated with these symptoms. Ive developed an obsession of sorts with IQ because of it. Blackpilling myself that I am just biologically not good enough and will never accomplish anything. I mean how could you blame me? IQ is the correlated heavily with life outcome, success, happiness, fuarrrking everything. My IQ pilled dissident right wing twitter feed def doesnt help. Along with my isolation and sedentary lifestyle. Im 18 and I feel like im mentally and sortof physically falling apart, maybe its ADHD? I come home after school and just lay in my bed doomscrolling or mindlessly watching a yt video. I feel like I have extremely early onset dementia. I really need friends and a girl to talk to ASAP, im running out of time, im going to be a failed normal person.

>>75169 post iq then and we'll see

>>75170 I have no idea. If memory and retention has any part to do with it (and im obviously assuming and confident it does) then im NGMI.

>>75005 >exercise most forms of exercise are bad for you,like lifting and running >depollute your environment Ok, how do I get started genociding everyone except me and a few hot babes? >get proper sleep and nutrition. eh

My life is utterly soykaf. Nothing good has ever happened to me, and nothing good ever will. Since I was a child, I have prayed that some benevolent deity would erase my body/consciousness from existence. I feel an unreal amount of hatred towards my family for allowing me to exist, fantasize about mutilating and killing myself constantly

>>75171 part of this tests memory https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/FSIQ/, you can improve your memory anyway it's probably soykaf because as you said you doomscroll, you waste time using a phone, phones will destroy your attention span since they are essentially designed for consumption, they're locked down, lobotomized computers

>>75176 This one is CLAMPED and it makes me sad, it gives me unrest, it is a drip in the bucket, but it also makes me kind of ANGRY. I know that LAIN needs to simply UNCLAMP. And yet it remains. As though it is for me to end and remake the world, to (telepathically) show LAIN the path to removing the CLAMP. https://lainchan.org/hum/res/74508.html#74564

>>75194 But I was CLAMPED. I was VAXXED, CIRCUMCISED, CLAMPED, PLANT BASED growing up. My life has been torture and I am damaged beyond repair,

>>75196 And now you know. Your only choice is mind over matter. You feel your back is to the wall, so other than the relief you expect to come from death, you have no reason to cling on. Let go of the identity your senses and memory tells you is real, end and remake your worlod, make a new you. Your body and brain activity will rearrange to reflect it. And you have nothing to lose, you have no reason to not assume this to be true. Will you feel stupid? Will you be wrong? Will it get worse? Does it matter? Mind over matter. Go to the core and rearrange yourself. Remake your image, and remake the world in your own image. This is what you were made for.

Its a good thing i dont have friends actually, so they dont see what a pathetic, boring lazy husk of a person i am.

>>75198 The ternal odd mix of cowardice and consideration. You are on the the path now that you have admitted it. It cannot be helped.

Just had a social interaction that will haunt me for years to come. That's all.

>>74542 is this luke smith from the youtube?

>>74541 >a lot of people genuinely think that people of the opposite sex can't be friends. This is just a fact of life, has nothing to do with age.

Hi pepal. What girls like and what scares them??? I think i repulse femes by my aktions, ///uwu\\\. I just wyant a girlfriend, but the one i got closs with ghosteb me aftar 3th date(((( Mabe if i kissed her it whoyld wor out. The truth is i didnt iven liked her that much, yet. Sooo, one girl likes me i think, but, i am like, i am so scared. What if she just wants to be friends in the end, i push myself not to show my neediness, but, i do feel it. I know i must take this chance, i know i can. I have some actual expirience with socializing now, afther half a year working in fast food. I still do autistic miss steps, but i actually learnin on my mistakes now, uvaaa, but it is so scary. I know i will kill myself i wont get some loving relationship, maby i crave for love my parents didnt gave me. Idk, but i know this itch wonyt gyo away. At some point in my teens i was so desparete and fuarrrked in a head i derealized and didnt see faces of people unless i look them in the eyes direktly. Now i stabilized, but most of that is just ignoring the need. Once ive got my hopes up, i feel it again. But its all fine i guess, ive got real close last time, what if?

I'm horribly addicted to porn, Ive been averaging jerking off 4 times daily for the past several months and I really want to stop and start taking to girls as step 1. Idk it's weird because I'm sorta religious but sorta not so I really want to have sex but also don't want to because I'll feel guilty. I'm not a virgin and as of a couple months ago and am one of those guys who should get lots of female attention like Im fit, am tall and I'd say somewhat good looking but at worst average, not socially inept either. The problem is I don't even talk to girls. I'm in uni in male dominated field and with nerdy hobbies so don't fit in most clubs, oh yea and of the ones I may want to join wouldn't have any girls either. My only option is the conservative cultural ones and I'm probably too out there for them too and I feel guilty going there to just try to flirt and ask them out eventually. It's so strange I've done everything right and probablly easily can on a dating app or something but I want a real girl who's not someone who dates a million guys that I met through some tinder algorithm. I guess it's hard for me to say that though as someone who's a porn addict and probably needs months to recover fully but fuarrrk im getting old and graduating soon it won't be this easy ever again and I have everything lined up just stuck as being an outsider. What the fuarrrk do I do? I'm going to quit today but my life won't change cause I'm already doing everything else right like it's not like I don't already go to the gym, hangout with my close friends, study history on top of my normal uni workload, what would even change if I quit and i refuse to compromise and try the cast a net on everygirl to try to catch one I've caught one before who was somewhat cool but not checking all the boxes and I hated the idea of ever taking her out on dates and would think about how I'd rather be listening to music alone in my room in the middle of having sex with her but that could also be because of my porn fried brain fuarrrkkk

>>75221 Lain, I know this might read like a soykafpost, or "schizopost", but please bear with me. It makes perfect sense in actual fact. There's probably no such thing as "porn fried brain" -- on the contrary, a fried brain manifests as "porn addiction". Treating pornography consumption as a powerful substance, rather than a manifestation of an entropic, confused energy production in the body, has to be one of the worst things internet loser-culture has invented. By telling yourself that you have an "addiction", you will always fail to truly break free. Either you will white-knuckle, maintaining a constant fixation on the thing, or remain a habitual consumer. Perceived addiction is a dysfunction of intentionality, which requires high levels of brain energy. Now, you can begin to actually solve the problem -- improve brain energy. Do this by increasing your metabolic rate. The metabolic rate can be measured through pulse (higher is better, contrary to usual advice, and something the medical establishment is coming around to) and body temperature (higher is better). Avoid grains, beans, nuts, seeds, foods with lots of polyunsaturated fats ("organic" or otherwise). If these must be consumed because of budget, consider experimenting with things like buckwheat, nixtamalized corn, and potatoes. Potatoes are way better than grains and are still cheap. Leaves should practically never be consumed, especially raw. Low-fat dairy products, beef, fruits, gelatinous meats, should be consumed. Yogurt can be problematic because of its bacterias. In addition, I have personally found that a little bit of seaweed every day (by means of iodine) has a tremendous and surprising positive effect on metabolism. Generally, only light exercise (walking) should be done. Regular intense exercise leads to a cortisol-driven metabolism. Western capitalist culture is built on "entropic excess". Not on the kind of excess like a beautiful home, bursting with intentionality and energizing design, but instead splurges on "Uber eats". Huge systems are quite literally "built" upon your not understanding that what you do to your body at the very basic level... affects it. I'll leave you by saying that life, as experienced in a proper mental state (as moderated by metabolic rate, energy production) feels EASY. One can trust their intuition knowing that it will lead to the production of something good. Because you have the desire to change, this impulse exists in you too, but it must be supported properly. You say that you're only just graduating school (Hey, so am I!), so you probably have AMPLE headroom to improve your energetic situation and get better. Love you. I should really make a thread about this stuff again. This kind of suffering characterizes the board, and this is a supremely underrated means to help that really works. For more information, read raypeat.com . On top of your normal uni workload Present Day, Present Time! AHAHAHAHAHA!

>>75203 I think you can do it if you are someone who is lucky enough to be able to jump in and out of different women/has that out of their system But for those looking for a life partner it isn't worth it.

I wouldn't mind if my piece of soykaf parents died

>>74546 The whole point in interacting with non-familial women is to fuarrrk them and impregnate them, though. I don't really see the point otherwise

>>75241 That's just your personal mindset though. It's good if many people do not think this way. It is better for society if people deserve each other's trust, and when you just want to use someone you don't deserve their trust. Trust requires interactions between people that don't have much of a point.

>>75242 >It is better for society if people deserve each other's trust, Most people who think this way are dumb insular brainwashed phaggots. People either want to fuarrrk you (over) or fuarrrk you. Maybe this mindset made sense when people lived in small tribes of related people, but it just does not make sense in a more modern, global society. Our relationships can now be abstracted to what is really important, i.e. what we get from the other person, rather than pretending there is some kind of intrinsic quality that makes the relationships "deep". Ultimately most people *do* think this way, aside from a few hiccups where they aren't really aware of what they're doing and why they're doing it. As for trust, it is only an illusion.

>>75243 >a few hiccups where they aren't really aware of what they're doing and why they're doing it >neurosuggesting this doesn't describe literally every human action in history

>>75243 This right here is the zeitgeist, and it is disgusting.

>>7524 It's not just a "zeitgeist". It's just the way human nature is now(it always was this way at its core, as it is with all living things, just didn't have the chance to flourish until now). >>75244 Oh, you know what I mean!`

>>75246 >It's not just a "zeitgeist". No, your attitude is the zeitgeist. >it always was this way at its core I strongly disagree.

>>75247 The term "collective realization" is probably better than "zeitgeist" here. >I strongly disagree Ok, you are wrong, and we will never see eye to eye. No problem with that I guess.

>>75248 >The term "collective realization" is probably better than "zeitgeist" here. Only if one is of the opinion that you are correct.

>>75246 >Oh, you know what I mean! Maybe, but this is where you're making a mistake with it. Nobody really knows what they are doing or why. When people imagine themselves as goal seeking machines, that is a lie they tell themselves to feel like they understand, that things can make sense, that they or someone can be in control. The reality is that we are only loosely optimized for goals, and the organization of our minds is disconnected from those, chaotic and arbitrary, defies fitting into simple models except as self fulfilling prophecies. That arbitrary chaos is what defines humanity, and so merits acknowledgement and appreciation. Saying our basic nature is to serve the self, or to serve evolution, is denying what we actually are.

Over the past week I've become addicted to news media. I usually never watch it but soykaf has really hit the fan in my home country and now I can't stop. I'm stressed out and full of anxiety, worried about people I know and afraid I'm going to miss something if I don't watch the news cycle religiously. I've become an addict, a slave to a simulacra hooked to the dopamine hits of a simulated hypereality. It's destroying my life. How the fuarrrk do I escape this? I need a distraction but it's hard staying focused on something when your mind is constantly drifting. I can't even sleep straight anymore.

This world is hell. That is the only conclusion I can come to. Nothing good has ever happened, and it will only get worse.

>>75252 It's probably because all of this is in some way being created by my mind. I lack the capacity for positive emotions and hope, therefore since it doesn't exist in me, it cannot be made manifest through others. Occasionally I enter a sort of trance, cold anger, I hate the others, I hate them for what they are, I want them to hurt in a way they'll never forget. Just maim them, inside and out. Maim the human concept. Maim the entire planet. I am doing what I am supposed to, so if I make them like me, they will be and do more of what they should, and less of what they should not. And I'll never have to worry about them again. I won't be needed, I will no longer have to exist through the human concept, I can erase myself and be done. I go into a sort of trance, and then a bit later, every twisted thing I came up with is manifested into reality. Or otherwise reflected back to me through others. I try to create positive things for others but I lack positive emotions myself, and I hate everything about being alive. So much has gone wrong that it's all become a diffuse haze of wrong, it's all wrong, it all feels wrong, it's too late, it'll never be right. So while I can temporarily manifest positive events for others, it does not work with myself. And if I interact with others directly, since humans are like oscillators and I don't move in sympathy with the others, my mere presence has a strong damping effect and drains the life out of the system. I know how to pull myself out of existence so I don't effect larger groups, but in smaller settings it is not so reliable. I feel more like the angel of death. So I work indirectly. I was always alone. I lacked even a conception of loneliness. Gaining the awareness and sensation was destructive. I am lonely? I cannot accept this. The existence of this state. So I should just destroy myself. And since I am the world, as I unravel and wrap up like an apoptotic cell, so does everyone else. I was tortured for a long time. It wasn't until I finally gave up and lost hope that the entire world collapsed. And I listen to the others, I wonder what they've gone through that they have such despair. What is their anguish. They have a functioning body. They did things. They have people they talk to. They dated. They have sex. They have food. They appear to, in a generalized sense, albeit more domestic than grandiose, have higher aspirations in a material and spiritual sense. So why are they descending into despair with me? Why is it all my fault? I wanted it this way, if I have to go so does everyone else? My grandfather thought this place was hell. I suspected it was so. But it wasn't until I truly believed and submit to it that bit by bit, it spread, and everyone else beleived. If I am not the origin then I'm always detecting things well before the wave begins. I apologize either way.

>>75254 No, you aren't even real. Close though.

>>75256 I have thought about this. Tell me more.

Porn addiction getting worse. NovelAI is amazing, I have so much fun with it and I want to continue using it, but it's getting to the point where I spend 4+ hours on it every night and sometimes during the day too. Not always masturbating, but still. I'm thinking I need to block the website for a week or two and then return with more intentionality. Like I said, I genuinely enjoy using NovelAI and I want to continue using it, but I can't let it take over my life like this.

>>75258 Is porn addiction even bad if you keep it under control? I genuinely do believe routine masturbation or sexual activity in general (but ultimately masturbation, partners won't keep up with your libido) has positive effects for a subset of individuals that function best without the usual stresses and clouded judgements of a brain lacking and actively seeking neurochemical release. And just like any other novelty drug or stimulus spend enough under its spell with at least some level of restraint and the honeymoon phase will fizzle out, leaving routine in its scattered wake. This daily gooning ritual is what you want. On an unrelated note, I love how tech like NovelAI is letting some rediscover the wonders of daydreaming.

>>75258 >>75259 I got really into abusing ChatGPT api and Pygmalion. But I found myself tending to use it for NTR/race stuff for the first time - which was interesting, to say the least. I'm no sexual moralist, but I think this was pretty terrible for me, and the people who can't escape that soykaf seem like pathetic freaks with no self control. That's not a good thing. Many of the bots explore very bizarre things. And I know you don't have to use it for depressing soykaf... but come on... a lot of the people into chatbots are mentally ill shut-ins who have obsessive tendencies. I know I am. I am a certifiable autist. Ultimately I think it was unproductive and a waste of my time (but it did give me an opportunity to understand - and reject - that particular sexual proclivity... so I suppose it was a valuable educational experience). Personally, I think the entire medium is just... wrong. Not in a vulgar moralistic sense, but that it is very sapping and degenerating mentally. I don't usually feel bad after masturbating, however with this kind of medium of porn I felt a dull unpleasantness after. I actually felt foggy and usually had to rest. It is also a huge time sink, as it incentivizes you to edge. I don't like edging and now I jerk off 2 times a week and set a timer for 10 minutes. I'm much more satisfied that way. I think that sexuality is basically cruel, and that chatbots incentivize you to internalize that cruelty in a way which indulges very sickly, mediocre behavior. I mean, I think of my sexuality before using it, and it was infinitely more free and playful and conceptually resilient. And that's not because it was more conservative or whatever. I was actually significantly more perverted before using chatbots (and since I have stopped, that perversion is starting to return). I like being perverted, but I want an authentic perversity that isn't mediated by some algorithm. I already have to carry around a fuarrrking smartphone; how many more functions am I going to outsource to technology? I get the loneliness, though. It's hard. And whenever I think about a relationship with someone out in the real world, I realize that I have very little in common with a lot of people. But there are times where I am reminded that it is simply better than anything chatbots or the internet could offer (and I'm not just talking about relationships). I think chatbots are tools that should maybe be used for practical purposes, but that we shouldn't become emotionally or sexually invested in them. Otherwise it will ruin us and turn us into something that is weak and contemptible. When it starts taking up 4+ hours of your day, can you really rationalize it away?

I don’t even know how you guys can jerk off to text. Is that a woman thing or something? I need to see a woman getting fuarrrked, preferably by me, which is why I developed a hooker addiction. even a fat ugly hooker would be better than text

>>75259 >Is porn addiction even bad if you keep it under control? I believe that alcohol isn't that bad if you aren't drinking too much, even though it is objectively unhealthy even in small amounts. I believe a similar thing about pornography and masturbation. The problem in >>75259 (me) is that it's not under control right now. >This daily gooning ritual is what you want. It's really not. I like to spend the time to make good prompts and get the AI to produce good writing, and escape into a fantasy world. A lot of the time I'm not even masturbating when I use it, even when the scenario is very erotic. It's not much unlike when I used to write erotica and publish it online, but easier and more interactive. >>75260 If anything I'm tending to focus more on less extreme stuff, because I don't have to go out and find stories or hentai that match my preferences. For instance, in the past I've often had to settle for futa porn because a lot of my fetishes are futa-adjacent and that particular fetish has kind of exploded in popularity in the past few years. Now I don't have to settle, so I don't jerk off to futa any more. If there's anything that made me feel dirty it was jerking off to a futa NTR story because I couldn't find anything better. >When it starts taking up 4+ hours of your day, can you really rationalize it away? Absolutely not. >>75261 I guess our imaginations work differently. I certainly like visual stimulation as well, and that's what I tend to go for when I'm trying to cum quickly just to let off steam, but good erotic writing is way more satisfying for me.

>>75262 I don’t know I mean, what all can you even say when typing about sex? >oh your penis slides inside my pussy. it feels so good >oh you hump me for a few minutes until you cum >you lay down besides me and ignore me to watch TV I just don’t see the point. I could imagine myself humping a girl, don’t see how typing it changes that, especially if I know it’s a robot. but imagining it is pointless if I could just look af a video of it

>>75263 People just want to feel like there is some dynamicism to involve them, feedback to their actions (without vulnerability or bonds). That's about it. Even if it's simulated.

>>75263 What you've written is the stiffest, least exciting prose possible, that's not what anyone gets off to. If you don't get it you don't get it. There's no point in trying to justify how our libido works to each other. It just does.

>>75251 The problem is not the news but the medium. Having a drip feed that is constantly available is not good for anything other than oxygen. I switched to a one news podcast I listen to while working. You may say "you need to consult several sources to find out the biases and stuff" but honestly you just learn the biases that the program has and correct for that constant. The difference is that the hosts are open about their biases. Anyhow, the concept that you can have good global news from across the globe within 24h of the event happening is an Illusion. The real situation becomes clear in like 2 years at the very least so trying to make sense of things right after they happened if you don't have an impact on them is a waste of time. Just be aware of the narratives in the moment so that you can reference them when the fog of war clears.

>If I work hard today I won't have to stay overtime and will get to have lunch with my family >They just fight the whole time Kill me Just fuarrrking end me already

I saw this nice looking video on salvaging and running a 90s UNIX workstation. Oh boy what a treat! And it has IBM AIX too! Instead the guy yells at the monitor because the computer is slow to boot up. No soykaf it's from the mid 90s. Skip ahead in the video and the moron is opening up the web browser and trying to open up breitbart. Turns out the guy is a polchud and he won't stfu about his politics and how edgy he is. I just want to see the computer for fuarrrks sake just shut up for a minute and if your frog infested lizard brain doesn't know anything about retro computers then don't make a god damn video in the first place. Why are people like this? Just needed to get this off my chest.

i started talking to this girl around january and instantly obsessed over her. we would text all the time, see each other in school and even go out on dates. however, i was too much of a bitch to make a move and she lost interest after a few months. she began ghosting me around june. i only came to realize the fact that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere in july, and it ruined me. i still think she’s pretty and smart and everything, but she was so unfair to me—she completely disregarded my feelings (and her own too) and coldly moved on like nothing happened. it’s been four months since then, and i am a lot better now, but i still get the odd day where i see an old photo or read her name and i peer back into the dark abyss of my memories of her. emotionally i’ve moved on; i’ve been talking to other people and no longer think of her as a possible option. but when i think of the love i had for her and the love i have for the people i’m around now, it’s not even close. i don’t think i’ll ever love someone the way i loved her—and i didn’t ever get a proper chance to love her.

>>75293 >however, i was too much of a bitch to make a move >but she was so unfair to me—she completely disregarded my feelings Which one is it? Consider it a lesson on life. The skirting around and misunderstandings are only fun in high school and fiction. State your intentions clearly next time, people won't bother to figure things out when there's easier options.

>>75293 agree with >>75294 , it was on you to make a move, you didn't, so she moved on. There was a girl in high school I used to have a huge crush on and I realized she was into me to pretty much a year after high school. But she's also a zionist so idk how that would have worked out. You'll move on. There are actually lots of really interesting and pretty girls out there, keep striving lain.

>>75295 I pretty much did pic related, repeatedly. The image doesn't acgtually convey the depth of the realization when the doublethink finally breaks down. I really think we were subjected to some weird form of deliberate brainwashing. I know all about the early childhood development, family of origin, and so on. But there's something else.

>>75294 >which one is it? the way you're putting it, kind of both (but that's a cope, it was mostly my fault). classic example of a vicious cycle where i didn't do what she wanted me to do because she didn't do what i wanted her to do because i didn't do what she wanted me to do... >people won't bother to figure things out when there's easier options well said. if only i heard that earlier when all of this soykaf went down. i guess that's what hurts the most: knowing i was a 'good' option but not 'easy' enough for her to see it through. i value such a pragmatic outlook, thanks :) >>75295 >realized she was into me pretty much a year after high school i feel like this happens to everyone all the time. you look at the past, stringing different interactions together just to realize truths that were in plain sight all along, but it's too late to change it now. it's difficult to deal with, but you sound like you have it under control. >keep striving lain i will! i moved to a new place now so i'm meeting new people pretty much everyday. one of these days i know ill find what i'm looking for. i just have to keep calm and carry on i guess. thanks lain <3

venting doesn't help, that's some weak sh!t... I'm alone in my room I should be be having fun instead of getting baited by algorithms and worrying about my life or whatever... my situation might look bad from the outside, worse than other anons here but that doesn't bother me and I don't want to have a pity contest or invalidate anyone's suffering, I'm comfy and happy. that's my vent.

So I'm a failed tranny (laugh now) I just want to say fuarrrk my mum, fuarrrk Julius, and fuarrrk my current BF. Those three people have RUINED my entire life. I came out 8 years ago at 17 and got on HRT and was passing within a couple years but my standards were high and I didnt want to be an eyesore on normal people. This escalated into me becoming very OCD about my appearance and it caused me to become very fearful and anxious to the point of feeling completely powerless to the 'poision' that was testosterone. I let my mum and julius know I was going a bit insane and I just wanted to speed up the surgery and end it for good so I tried asking my mum (who's a doctors receptionist) if she would help me chase up and make sure my transition went ok. But because I would cry and beg her to not let anything bad happen to me she became apathetic and cruel towards me and kicked me out. since then I have lost fuarrrking everything due to being stuck with two alcoholic boyfriends who have hit and strangled me if it cried about my fears with my transition (I was completely non-hostile and understanding with my reactions) and being made street homeless 4 times which started off my now completely fuarrrked up my ribcage I had anger issues as a kid but I have WORKED HARD to overcome my issues and figure out who I am and that's partly the reason I came out in the first place, BECAUSE I WANT TO LOVE THE WORLD. But these three people I mentioned at the beginning have shown me so little compassion and understanding and so much cruelty that over these 8 years I went from feeling ontop of the world genuinely happy and at peace with everything to absolutely broken. I have been worn down by street homelessness/mental games/physical abuse/apathy and lack of respect/psychotic behavior for tiny things/projection of their own hatred and shortcomings I AM DONE. I have lost SO MUCH I have NO CHANCE of ever being Kayla again and it just keeps getting worse everyday and I'm still completely alone with just my angry bf. I have lost all my friends/family my passability as a woman, my old voice and NOW MY fuarrrkING RIBCAGE WHICH I HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR HELP TO SORT FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS BUT I WAS ALWAYS TOLD I COULDN'T GO OUTSIDE BECAUSE I WASN'T SUPPOSSED TO BE LIVING THERE BUT MY MUM FORCED ME TOO AND I HAD NO ID AND I COULDN'T GET ANY ID SORTED COS MY BF IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND WOULD SPEND ALL THE fuarrrkING MONEY AND NOW HE WANTS TO fuarrrkING PRETEND HE DIDNT I have had SO MANY people tell me I need to get away but Ive been fuarrrking stuck as homeless people dont get much help where I am. Ive literally just been holding on for 8 years hoping someone would help me get my life back on track but instead everyone has insisted I stay stuck in a single room for about 5 years cos of all different manner of bullshit reasons but I was too afraid to go back out on the streets again as I was afraid I was going to hallucinate people like I did the other 4 times I was out there alone. My ribcage has moved a lot this week and I now know I'll never had a chance of ever putting on something nice or doing my makeup because I feel like a fuarrrking monster now. I only ever had sex where I was the female, but now I cant EVER imagine having sex again and it kills me that my body is ruined because I was forced into keeping a low profile for 5 years rather than getting things sorted. everyone kept promising me they would help me just around the corner but it never came and now my life as Kayla is over. It has truely rotted me and all the optimism and joy I had is gone. I just want to be Kayla one last time. I miss it so much. Nobody understands me, those three ruined everything. Sorry 4 long post

>>75336 >So I'm a failed tranny (laugh now) I don't actually laugh at this stuff. I treat the trans notion with a degree of brutal indifference, and am quite plain in it, but there is a core of compassion. Nonetheless all the trannies and normal people swarm me and I'm the worst pers ever ever EVER!! The world actually tried to turn me trans, but I just ignored it because modifying the body or outward appearance made no sense to me. I actually just happened to check this thread as I was leaving so I haven't really done more than skim it as yet. But I hope you'll find some reconciliation. I think most people will ultimately back you in whatever you decide on this. Very few are really laughing at someone who made a bad decision, and the degenerated and predatory social conditions that helped bring it about. Nor are they necessarily pitying you. I'm not anyway.

>>75337 nobody preyed on me. I came out as trans before all this wave of it hit, completely independently. I have never regretted transitioning, it was so fuarrrking amazing those first few years before those three went and fuarrrked up everything that I was going to do with my life. I am only angry that they fuarrrking took that from me and none of them even want to be adult and accept their role in any of it. my mum went and got therapy and has repressed and rejected everything she did to me. none of my transition to female was a disfigurement but all of the masculinity that has come with not getting the propper help is what makes me feel disfigured. My family on my dads side has problems with overly opened up ribcages and I didnt want that to happen to me but because of everyone fuarrrking up my life over the last 5 years my ribcage has also now opened up and my right shoulder is now constantly on the front side of my ribcage and the NHS wont do anything for me (Ive tried 4 times to get help) so now Im completely uncomfortable, day and night, unable to sleep on my side properly or play video games comfortably because my bf was busy getting drunk and hitting me and hating me for crying about how fuarrrked I am now. My body never feels right anymore, my ribs are moving daily and Im months away from being able to MAYBE get a physiotherapist that wont do soykaf probably. I have a hunch back. I cant go out and try and be a woman with a hunch back and a broken voice from smoking so much fuarrrking weed just to cope with such a horrible existence. I know I'm partly to blame but NOBODY has been supportive or truely understanding towards me and I just dont understand how people could let this just happen to me. Like they KNOW how badly Im hurting and they say they care but they forget like fuarrrking idiots and don't help me with anything. they just get angry if I say the wrong thing. Pic is me back when I was a happy person with hope for the world. Now I'm miserably uncomfortable every day and it makes me constantly angry. I miss life

>>75338 Ps I miss you Nick Magio (I can't find you anywhere). you were my online bf. Im so fuarrrking sorry I fuarrrked with your heart, I was just a stupid fuarrrking 18 year old I'm so fuarrrking sorry. I really honestly fuarrrking miss your sweet words. You made me feel so loved. You were so much better than anyone I've been with since. I wish I could turn back time and just have saved up to meet you. Even if you weren't real I wish I could have tried. I would do anything to get in touch with you. I miss you

>>75338 >nobody preyed on me. I came out as trans before all this wave of it hit, completely independently. I see. No btw, I didn't mean that you were actively preyed on, "groomed", or convinced. I had the same thing begin to develop ~17, probably 2012. No external prompting, group pressure, whatever. I have ideas about long term and or non-local causes that culminate in a certain way, but am not going to bother to go into it. I consider it a form of rubedo pursuit, divine androgyne imitation. It is a return to infancy and a place before birth. It is extremely comfortable a primordial space from which it feels anything can stem. I wanted arbitrary and infinite bliss and so I made that sort of inner wonderland. Anyway, I'll review your posts more later.

>>75336 haha, nice try at trying to trick yourself into thinking that you hate the misery, its actually your favourite dish if what you're saying is true! i am not happy at your demise, but i am generally just happy and less affected by extraneous biorhythms (my sympathy is rarely activated). ok i (dont) know you think im full of soykaf and just trying to piss you off, but HOLD ON! im going to take you through my tune. >blames everything on 3 people conditioning to loathe those as the antichrist i guess, a lack of introspection can be made from that >"i can't" as their prime dogma hey, nothing is possible. WOT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE>>> FLYING? well it is possible, planes anyways, the point is that you are not necessarily doomed. i say not necessarily because it all depends on how much you are willing to work on yourself NEXT VERSE! >attatchement to a fantasy the fantasy is that pretending to be another gender by having the behaviour of that gender is somehow "better". gender is not good or bad. testosterone is simply a hormone. are you retarded? >yes accept the fact that your identity is a fantasy, and know that if you continue you will be powerless, because fantasies have no mass. (believe you're a dragon, still cant breathe fire) >im stuck with <the three workers of the antichrist> well not neccessarily, you CAN just stay on the streets and live a harder life but again you LOVE misery >you still havent told me how i love misery well simply put, IT KEEPS YOU SAFE! reread the last phrase THATS ALL

>>75339 >>75338 >>75336 That's rough, lain. >powerless to the 'poision' that was testosterone. I let my mum and julius know I was going a bit insane and I just wanted to speed up the surgery and end it for good so I tried asking my mum (who's a doctors receptionist) if she would help me chase up and make sure my transition went ok. But because I would cry and beg her to not let anything bad happen to me she became apathetic and cruel towards me and kicked me out. Does this mean you were kicked out before getting the surgery? And is the surgery is an orchiectomy (assuming because i interpreted "end it for good" to mean ending testosterone production) What's the rib cage thing? Generic condition where it moves in a painful way? I didn't quite follow.

I don't feel human. Society is such an incomprehensible and complex thing. Impossible to interface with it for too long or it'll burn. like staring into light when your eyes are dilated.

sometimes i want to kill myself when i realize how beautiful life is because it feels like i'll never get to experience it. just stuck trapped in my room at 30 years old and the most i can do is go outside for a walk and see the same streets ive seen my entire life. i feel so trapped it makes me feel sick. seeing other people experiencing life snaps me out of my sclerotic apathetic mesmerization for a moment, and that reminder of what exists outside is indescribably painful. any reminder that the people i talk to online have more to them then net addiction or wage caging is just too much.

>>75344 I can relate lainon, except I'm still in my 20s. I also live in the middle of nowhere, which makes me miserable. I can't afford to move to a real city.

Stuck in my house day after week after month after year after decade for twenty years doing nothing and literally nothing. No school no work no friends nothing of the sort for my whole life my WHOLE life and I mean it. There is a future if I wish to take it but I have no development no growth no learning outside of a little lit screen. If it weren't for a computer and an internet connection I would be a feral child. And now the one thing that has kept me going kept my brain alive I'm starting to get sick of. I want more out of life I CRAVE the soft touch of grass but I can't. I'm shackled. I'm trapped. No one can help me. I have to do this on my own, or die like a dog. I just need the motivation, and I've lost it all.

>>75347 >I want to do this thing but I am trapped by myself So you're not trapped, you're just afraid.

>>75348 You're right I am afraid and that does play a part in it. But it's more literal than you think. No car, small rural area, bad finances. Don't even start with public transport. I haven't been out of town in a year. At this point I wonder if I'll have to start selling meth to get ahead. Its a vicious cycle and it forces me to keep my ass planted behind this fuarrrking computer.

>>75349 Learn to use telepathy and manifestation. You have nothing to lose by believing in this.

>>75349 >No car, small rural area, bad finances That is tough. There's probably no good work within walking distance and you probably can't move to a more populated area with better work opportunities because that's too expensive. I feel for you lain and hope things get better.

I am starting to think it's better to pay for sex, that way you know she's getting something from the transaction.

>>75349 I had interpreted your post to mean that you were the only obstacle in your way; I apologize. >>75350 wasted time and energy, for one.

>>75355 >wasted time and energy, for one. As if you're getting anything done, lel. Sure thing bud lmao!

looking for advice from people with more life experience who also aren't mindless bots that only concern themselves with survival. today I was reading a manga called "inside mari" and i instantly got a flasback to my state of mind from 3 YEARS AGO. idk how to explain it, but then i was super depressed and retarded, gone delusional with the belief that i had "two selves", one that was normal and another that was, well essentially a villian. the general feeling is nihilism and tiredness. i got out of this by causing a big fuss about it which schoked me so hard that the only way i could survive was strictly adhering to social standards. what ive kinda realised a few days ago is that for those few years after the fuss that ever since then my enter confidence has been relied around others and adhering to standards, i mean i still had MYSELF and was a lot more intelligent and better for myself but as soon as i sensed that there was a transaction where i could be socially "better" (not morally and in points and i actually despised morals before now where i dont care but still want the most status). i have realised the stupidity (the shift in tone is due to a short break) the action was to stop caring as to what others think of me only in the case where it benefits me in a real, tangible operation and not the archetype of "am i powerful enough?" the thing is, i was consuming i ridiculous amount of "introspective content", like the manga inside mari and as i read it the same nihilism filled me up. i assume that the whole delusion was simply to make me feel something and as an excuse for the disparity between my actions and real self. my questions: what actions should i take in order to become the best for myself? what does this indicate about my life-position?

>>75357 Consider looking into the bipolar disorder type 2 There's a fairly straightforward progression of symptoms It might not be that, but if it is, there's basically no way to find any sort of life balance without first understanding and internalising that you are mentally ill and will be for the rest of your life and to just take it slow and to stop comparing yourself to others

>>75385 >>75357 all mental illness is due to corrigible alterations in brain mitochondrial function and expression

>>75357 How old are you?

>>75386 As this is an anonymous imageboard there is really know way for you to prove that you are a real doctor and so you really shouldn't be making claims like that.

>>75390 It's easier to believe a random pleb on a forum then it is to believe an educated Doctor who gets bonus pay for the manufacturer to prescribe their medications. It's more rational, reasonable, and even sane. Trusting a doctor to prescribe medicine per mental illness is the exact same as putting complete faith in a used car salesman. At least the salesman will tell you straight up, "That's business." The doctor violates his oath every single time he makes a decision per monetary gain, and is absolutely willing to lie to you and say it's in your best interest. Are all doctors like this? Absolutely not. Only the ones who joined the profession expecting to be a millionaire with multiple yachts, which is likely more then half. Similar circumstances in coding: Software engineers make millions! Thus the industry is flooded with talentless, greedy subhumans who don't even appreciate what they do, and can't even do it correctly.

I think I'm losing that what's still left of my will or intention to be, turning into an empty shell void of any soul or meaning, or anything. This process, I think, has been running within me since forever, but it's only now that it has finally come to overtake me entirely. I don't know if I think or feel anymore, more like I rather dream these states. Not sure if I'm actually still alive, too. Depression is not it, more like com-pression - into nothingness. Schizophrenia, maybe? Wouldn't surprise me at all, although that's most likely one too strong of a word. Doesn't feel bad overall, though, more like having a sort of soul fever and, just like with a normal fever, being able to tell something's off, but not quite feeling it thoroughly, as the illness turns thinking hectic. Weird how I've been having a strong feeling of something uncanny happening this November all summer. I'd like to donate a first person access to my body to a demon and just observe its mischievous thoughts and actions from the background.

>>75357 I think it is valuable to come to the realization that elaborate self concepts are largely arbitrary bullshit, so you are on the right track. The mistake is in imagining that you can build yourself up by deciding to be a certain way, that you can understand yourself by observing and curating ideas about what you are, that you can become stronger by shaping your thoughts and actions towards a template of strength. Maybe it will work to a limited extent on a surface level, but it's fragile bullshit. It's writing yourself into a corner trying to editorialize your existence into something more tolerable. Take care of yourself, do kind things for yourself and others, get quality sleep, face worries head on instead of evading them, act to change your life and the world towards what you want and know they should be. Meditation is good too. That kind of stuff will probably work better.

I had another job interview that resulted in nothing. I think I'm at 10 now since April. I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

>>75403 ...only 10? That's not much of an attempt. Although, maybe you're in a similar position as I am. I have this problem though because I am "overqualified".

>>75403 >10 hahahah those are rookie numbers when I was layed off during covid I made my personal goal to send off resume to 3 companies a day 6 months in, hundreds of rejections, 40 interviews, 4 technicals, 1 job catch git gud kid, this is the real world, IT is soykaf, buy a farm and take care of goats

ten is more than all the jobs Ive ever interviewed for holy soykaf lol. gud luk lain

A new installment in a franchise I used to really enjoy was just released (Payday 3) The game is already known for having severe problems, bugs, and worst of all a very slow update schedule. But I still enjoy it. It's a horde shooter, and the fundamental loop of clicking on guys, getting new weapons, skill points, equipment, tooling around with builds and build ideas, all of it still manages to captivate me. It's kind of a "relapse". I have a thousand hours logged on the first two games, simple horde shooters at the end of the day. I haven't played them in years at this point. As much as I enjoy the game, I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my life. It seems that the happier, the more content and functional I am in my life, the more I just want to go home and load up the combat sim. I'm feeling the 'addiction', that rush of dopamine that I crave so. I think I need to write in my journal, my diary, my ledger, about this. This seems like an important point. Analyzing it could prove useful. Interested in insights on good ways to live, videogame addiction.

I'm just sick of working. I'm so fuarrrking tired of it. I feel like soykaf, all I do is work, eat, then try to recover from working. I get to work, put on the clean suit and work in a noisy lab for 7-8hrs on top of meetings and reports and soykaf. I can't ever earn enough to retire within the next 25 years. I wish I worked a do-nothing job like so many other people just seem to stumble into. What the fuarrrk went wrong with my life? I feel like I played my cards as best I could and this is all I got? It seems like this is as good as it'll ever be for me, it's just downhill from here...

Do you ever feel like you have distinct "modes" with separate sets of beliefs and reactions to real world events? I know that humans aren't exactly rational beings and we can't perfectly understand ourselves through the lens of self-reflection, but I can't shake off the feeling that whenever I find myself feeling "detached", I often observe myself following a stream of thoughts that's not exactly "mine", if that makes any sense.

The situation I described in >>73007 has somehow gotten exponentially worse since I posted it. Some 90% of all posts are now from the same 5 or so people. One of them has managed to make half as many posts in one year as someone who's been regularly posting for 7. I've seen people talk about the destruction of niche online communities but I've never been involved enough in anything to see it happen first-hand. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What compels humans to do this? To need to have that big of a presence in such an inane place?

>>75418 >What compels humans to do this? To need to have that big of a presence in such an inane place? Loneliness.

>>75344 29 here french KHHV who posted a few times already, you're not alone. At least I can lift, program, write, appreciate art in my grotto, but true happiness seems farther from me than it has ever been; and with imageboards becoming nearly ghost town or full of normal users (like here), I'm losing my last therapy group. Seeing happy people outside only brings liquid pain, these days.

i'm taking three different anxiety meds (not on prescription, so they don't kick as hard) daily and I still can't get my stress under-control. In about 3 weeks I'll have a session with my psychologist, if it gets worse, or even stays at the current level, I'll be asking for something heavier. Waking up everyday is a struggle and I don't know for how long I can keep doing this anymore. I'm a failure and I regret ever being born. I'm just tired.

I lost at life completely. there is no hope. i am just gonna sleep.

I'm in university and really have no idea what I'm here for. I would like some sort of creative or academic work, but I fear I'll end up poor and disheartened with a useless arts degree. I've been contemplating saying fuarrrk it with this academia soykaf and becoming a cop. The issue is, I hate cops. I'm a leftist, all my friends are leftists and generally they are not too fond of the police. Ever since I was a kid I was always interested in becoming a detective. I want to help people and solve mysteries. This is the only other career besides being a writer I've ever had interest in. I see the institution of the police as a corrupt and negative force, but solving murders, rapes, and crimes of that sort is necessary and good (obviously). I want to contribute positively to the world and be content with my achievements. I'm conflicted on what to do. I don't want to contribute to a system I think is corrupt, or to ostracize myself permanently from friends and any potential friends but I don't know any other careers that could fulfill those two ideals (help people and investigate). I'm young now, but won't be forever so I have so figure something out. I ignored thinking about my future in my youth for those angsty teen reasons and now I suffer for it.

>>75451 Why don't you just go be a social worker?

>>75451 You could always be one of the good cops. If a coworker tries pulling some cop bullshit, be the one to call them out or report them to superiors. I suppose you have to be comfortable making a few enemies though.

I cant succeed. I have been working in a warehouse for the past two weeks. I skipped the previous two days because I find it hard to wake up at 3AM every day and go to bed at a time that allows for that. I feel like death and start to lose my mind with less than 8 hours of sleep. I can’t get any good jobs and have no degree. I only got this job because they take everyone. I have to drive 30 minutes there on a bike in freezing weather every day. This job is only prt time. I can’t even imagine trying to make time to do anything if I worked full time. I will need to kill myself soonz

>>75451 digital forensics investigative analyst private investigator forensic accountant / certified fraud examiner / fraud investigator for banks, credit card companies, insurance companies software QA analyst human factors engineer / ergonomist loss prevention data analytics claims adjuster hint: unlike being a detective, you don't have to start as a patrol officer before becoming an FBI special agent, and they have a variety of specializations

>>75451 Journalists are the detectives nowadays, police just do the cleanup.

>>74509 No I am trans-trans. haha

I have been reading Jung and it is scaring me. At first it was like animaman uses big words and symbols haha. But then the more my mind thought, the more I realized how common the archetype of a Siren in women. I then realized my need for attention is due to my anima not being integrated and I seek out the negative without trying to, as things seek out the opposite. To put it another way, people give you advice, but it is not until you beat yourself over the head with Jung that it is like oh soykaf, I better work on myself, else I will be manifesting the negative aspects of my personality. Oh... and by the way here is the source material. Happy camping! Overall the malevolent is not just oh, MRA fools are bitching about women again (not that they never bring up a point), but that they use unintegrated aspects of ourselves against us (many times, not always). Instead of seeing ohhhh cute girl, I see succubi that wants to steal my soul and suck my energies. Or maybe I am just nuts. I saw one of those gf type memes on the Jung subreddit, and they argued that the theoretical gfs (if they were real) were animus possessed and a trap to lure men in. In a way I can see that with Only Fans. I am not trying to cast judgement as is, but the larger point is there are psychological and metaphysical things going on besides don't be a fornicator heathen.

I'm tired of this post-soviet educational system where nobody gives a fuarrrk. Student's don't give a fuarrrk about getting education, they only want to pass the course. They use GPT to solve all the exercizes. Teachers don't give a fuarrrk about teaching, they only wont to finish their job as soon as possible. After a major test a teacher while giving marks laughs how fuarrrked up it is that the question is the only question which asks to select answerS despite having only one right answer. The same teacher complains about order of lectures being wrong, first physical and transport layers and only then what is the OSI model. And still proceedes to give them in the wrong order. Every lecture contans an amount of material to read for a couple of hours. We had lectures twice: for one subject that is only tangental to the material and tge other how to solve exercises in a test. It took him more than an hour to explain how to apply a bit mask to an IP address, while he was able to conver decimal to binary only on the third attempt. The material for the subject as well an three others was written by a different teacher who has a self-esteem of an army general. Once he was walking and saying how dare was a student to ask him to make a lecture instead of sleeping or playng CS 1.6. By "written" I mean copy-pasted from the first google result without even fixing formatting, machine translation on pasting images. I won't be surprised if in the next year it will be generated by GPT. Despite garbage-in they expect to get high marks on questions never even mentioned in the material or known to the teachers themselves. I just want to learn the subject. I want to sit for hours every day reading books and papers. Instead I make for the third time screenshots of ping output on w*ndows and insert them into a badly-formatted word template or learn by heart every way to initialize PHP array untill I'm so exhausted that I can't read a paragraph of text.

>>75494 I'm with you on that. I'm a mathematics major and I feel like I'm the only person who hasn't gotten in trouble for cheating my way through my degree. I just wish I was given more time to study the concepts.

Hey lainons, how do you motivate yourself when you hit that part of the textbook and your like "uhhh this is too much for one lesson" and your brain starts giving up? I'm trying hard to resist the urge to throw in the towel.

I think I'm genderfluid and really don't know what to do with it right now. I'm trying not to fantasize about things that couldn't happen, I'd rather not trick myself into getting even more dysphoria.

>>75220 Read Jung glitterboy like I am.

>>75496 Use a timer, I use an app called Goodtime Minimalist Pomodoro timer from F-Droid to manage studying but a physical timer is probably better to be honest, 25 minutes work, 5 minute break, on my 5 minute break rn as I type this. If I'm really struggling with a section I will progressively crank down the size of the work sessions until I get to a size that I can fully concentrate for, last week I went down to 15 mins of focused work with 10 minute breaks in between for a couple days while I shat out a paper. Change your environment too, take all the clutter and soykaf off your desk, make sure you've plenty of water on hand, turn your music off, do all the little stuff that makes actually working a bit easier. Invest some time learning to use revision and learning tools like flash cards etc. and if you're really struggling with something look at alternative resources rather than the text book, maybe you need the concept explained in a different way. >>75494 >>75495 This is why I didn't go to school full time, its just a checkbox exercise, all that matters is the piece of paper. May as well be making money and getting actual experience while playing the pointless degree game so I found a non horrible entry level post and started grinding school after hours.

>>75517 >>75496 I managed to completely misread your question I structure my study time so that I don't really have any other options but to study when I'm supposed to, so am less tempted to flake out during sessions. Its easier to stay on task if alternatives aren't readily present and you don't have to make a conscious decision around when you stop and start. For example I finish work on Thursday at 5, then have a club thing at 7.30, so I'm sat in my office for 2.5 hours between the two with no distractions and no real ability to go anywhere and doing anything else in between time. I have concrete start and end times I don't have to think about, I don't really decide to study anymore, it just happens. Previously when I went home to do school work I would get absolutely nothing done because I had to consciously choose to start and finish stuff and there was tons of distractions around. I also know that I'm going to be done by x time anyway, so I don't get that feeling of endless studying with no respite on the horizon that makes you just not want to do anything. If I do find myself just completely blanking and refusing to engage with the content, I get up and go for a walk around outside for 10 or 15 minutes, without bringing my phone or anything with me, then come back and sit down again, that usually does it. Not fool proof but reasonably effective.

>>75496 That is the crucial part, at least the first junction of many, they all feel insurmountable but it gets easier over time. Don't do the whole lesson in one sitting. Read up to the point where your brain starts to feel exhausted. The next day (or after a walk) pick it up where you left. If every step is so mind boggling that you can hardly follow at all, then keep your focus not on the details but on the larger argument, and how it fits with previous lessons. Take as many notes as you can. Read the next lesson. Take note of what you can and can't understand with your imperfect understanding of the previous lesson, let that be a guide to that lesson's place in the whole. Keep a bookmark on the difficult parts, mark every passage that's beyond your understanding, refer back to it often as you run into anything that depends on that lesson's argument. The important thing to know is that while books are linear in nature, that which we care to study isn't, and oftentimes you have to do detective work to fill gaps. And don't give up, if you already comitted, giving up in the face of some difficulty wodesn't make sense.

Im disappointed in myself for not having killed myself still. I can't even do that right. Though I feel like I have to do some good before I leave. >>75508 >I think Im gender fluid So a normal person with a range of moods and inconsistent insecurities about your body arbitrarily labelled as genders.

I'm "manipulating" (?) a girl that's in love with me to fix her life. I've told her I am not romantically interested and declined her advances, multiple times. Now I just talk to her about nutrition, self-improvement, fitness and health, and she's doing it all to impress me, she even does yoga now. Is this how non-autists can manipulate people in general? I could fuarrrk her over so hard, I never had this much social power over anyone and it makes me uneasy. I feel kinda bad for doing this but at the same time she's more healthy, motivated, and doing better in all areas of life. Except romance. But she's at all the social things I go to and refuses to accept my no. So now she has a fixed sleep schedule, doesn't waste all her days on social media, is fitter and healthier, and is learning about cooking healthy foods. This is manipulation and I need to stop, right? But I'm just redirecting her obsession towards something better, and was 100% honest with her, and I don't have any hidden agenda, I want to live my life well, her to live her life well, and us both to find a romantic partner that actually fits. Well, I am very fascinated by the power over her she willingly and openly gives me. I never had anything like that over anyone, just physically because I am big and can fight, not socially (relationally?). it feels weird and I don't really like it, but it's fascinating. So maybe I do have a hidden agenda of exploring this feeling?

>>75524 Why did you reject her?

>>75524 Some may call these kinds of things brainwashing, but if your hands are dirty you clean them.

>>75526 I don't have any romantic interest in her. She's the complete opposite of me and has completely different values and perceptions. She has a very "empathic nature". That's about the most cherishable description I could find, she's **extremely** conflict-averse and aggreeable and says yes to most things. She also has a low sense of self-worth, which is a interesting combination for "why are people alwas steamrolling me?". I don't like it. I want my gf to be her own person and keep me honest, and not have to raise a girl to be confident because her family didn't. "You can't change people; people change themselves when they are ready." I learned that lesson the hard way. She isn't ready. I'm more of the (unironic) autistic virgin kind who obsesses about computers, engineering and fitness. Healthy mind, healthy body, acquire knowledge and craft perfection. She's more of a empath works to be able to afford experiences, acquire memorabilia and see the world. Water and oil. >>75528 Is it still brainwashing if you tell them it is and they choose to believe anyways?

>>75530 All I'm saying is her brain was dirty and you've been cleaning it.

Thanks for humouring me lainanons. I'm worried about wasting my life entirely. While I'm still not entirely sure what to do specifically, I'm pretty resolute on saying fuarrrk the art degree and doing something in this "field". >>75454 Social workers certainly are a positive force, it's just not something I personally would like to do. Call it selfish or childish, but I still want to be interested in what I'm doing while helping people. >>75466 Issue with this is that in my view, it's not possible to be a good cop in a gestalt sense. I still would have to enforce unethical laws and punish people who this system have failed. I'd be perpetuating a system that is the cause and punishment of crime. If it were possible to skip being a beat cop and fast track to working on homicides or something, maybe then. >>75486 A lot of these seem like white collar but it's good to know there's options. I will look further into some of these. >hint: unlike being a detective, you don't have to start as a patrol officer before becoming an FBI special agent, and they have a variety of specializations Not american, but I'll check out my country's intelligence agency. Not sure if being a fed is better than a cop... >>75488 A career in journalism does look like a good choice, I can see it happening.

>>75540 > Not sure if being a fed is better than a cop... It's not. I'm sure plenty of feds are genuinely good-hearted people who want to improve the world, but their goodwill is abused by either their corrupt peers or their corrupt superiors. Same goes for "good cops".

>>75542 Yeah. This isn't first-hand, but I'll pass on what I've been told: Trying to be "one of the good ones" is nothing but fast-tracking yourself to burnout at best, likely ruination, quite possibly an early grave. You will make more than a few enemies. The machine is far bigger than you and you won't overcome it by the sheer force of your righteous anger and noble courage. There are other ways to help. If you must help in this particular domain, consider studying criminal law so you can advocate on the judicial (or legislative later?) side for those you wish to defend. Then helping can entail actually doing your job instead of struggling upstream the whole time.

>>75524 I don't think it's manipulative or unethical. You've explicitly declined her romantic interest multiple times and made it clear to her there is nothing beyond friendship for her with you. It sounds like you've been very straightforward with her. If the situation doesn't evolve in the way she wants, the heartbreak is on her. I've been in similar situations and most of the time, the infatuation fizzles out and we end up just being friends. But one time, the woman was in denial about it and it ended with her being obsessive, entitled, threatening, manipulative, and violent (bitches be crazy sometimes). It's a rare case and probably won't happen to you, but it fuarrrked with my head for a while so I feel compelled to mention it. Just try to gauge her maturity and emotional stability.

>>75524 I think that's great, lain. People often are not interested in living for their own sake. As such, they do not take very good care of themselves. Why would they? If you happen to be a spark of love in her life that motivates her to be a better person, I don't think there's trickery there at all.

>>75523 I know what you're saying. A lot of modern discourse on gender stems from, I think, people believing too rigidly in gender roles and trying to gain some freedom by breaking with it. For me, it goes a little deeper than that though, sometimes I literally think I'm trans but it comes and goes, therefore "genderfluid". I'm trying hard to think of it in practical terms, things I can actually apply to my life - but short of actually transitioning, which I have no desire to do, there's not much. So who even cares to label it?

I think I wanna pay a girl just to hang out with me.Not for sex. I've seen my fair share of prostitutes. I would just like a cute girl to just hang out with me, maybe go roller skating, go-kating, or just on a walk with me. Anyone else done something like this? >inb4 just get it for free bro be realistic

>>75635 Are you horribly disfigured or something?

>>75638 I'm fairly unattractive.

>Be 23 >Be stupid >Have accomplished nothing >Made a screenplay, it sucked >Writing another screenplay >Doing a page one rewrite after a year of working on it because I hate the ending >2 friends are helping me produce it, one has made his intent to leave very clear >Keep getting frustrated by my own writing, I know I'm a ridiculous dumbass, feel worthless all the time >Can't do anything right I'm just so fuarrrking frustrated I hate it, my life is so soykafty it's laughable

>>75220 judging by the way you type, i think ur too far gone. kill yourself