why not just suicide?

Hi, I'm new here, in fact I'm new to imageboards. I'm 18 y.o boy who's about to become 19 in a month. So basically I have depression and OCD(I think I have autism instead of OCD but I'm not a shrink after all) since 2020 I go to shrink every month since 2022 and taking meds. If you wonder the meds I used and I'm using I can only tell the brand names though. I used lustral, prozac, faverin, duxet and currently I use sulinex 225 mg and redepra 15 mg. I'm so sorry I feel I explain everything so unimportant and make it too long so I'll try to be simple to not bore you. I hate life since 2020 I don't enjoy life anymore I used to have hobbies like gaming, watching anime and watching videos on youtube. To be honest I always hated life but still I enjoyed because there were some other realites for me like games and animes but now they just feel so boring. Rarely, I encounter with some good game or good anime but I used to consume everything I wasn't like that what happened to me? So this is my biggiest issue, having hard time to enjoy things. My secons biggiest issue is having a job. Last year I graduated from highschool somehow and couldn't go for college because I suck at every subject and in my country you have to solve a exam to enter a college. I tried to solve that exam this year and I failed because my score was beyond being terrible. Now my family wants me to have a job or they gonna kick me out of their house. I tried I swear I tried working at starbucks for a month but eventually I quit because my manager was #@@hole that wants me to quit the reason for it was me being slow. I work slow I don't know why but I just move slow I can't be fast, I can't walk fast, I can't make drinks fast. So mobbing was the reason for quitting he bullied my all the time for being slow or for every mistake he yelled and even pushed me for giving wrong change from register. The thing is I pay for it If there's a mistake in register and the mistake I made was giving 4 cash less to our guest(we call guest instead of customer at starbucks) so that was the secons biggiest issue. Other issues are basically like not having any friend, feeling lonely, very low self-esteem and fear of trying new things like trying a new game or trying a new thing like cooking. That's all I guess and I hope I didn't bore you so much with my problems. I just need help you know, I could just suicide but I'll die eventually so I thought maybe there's a help outside of therapy and meds.

the standard suggestions are to take up excercise, try to improve your diet (even if its already good), and quit the drugs and shrink because they're obviously not working. IDK starbucks doesn't sound like a nice place to work, do any people in your family have businesses ? You're on lain, you're probably a bit of a computer nut, maybe there's a computer shop in your area that could use you, even part time ?

Alcohol. It'll help with everything.

>>73916 Suicide and suicidal ideas are a possible side-effect of all anti-depressants. >https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_serotonin_reuptake_inhibitor#Suicide_risk Despite what that Wikipedia page says, the suicide risk is also affects adults as well. But not everyone who takes these meds gets these kinds of side-effects. >redepra 15 mg is that Mirtazapine? 15mg is a smallish dose, the normal dose for depression is 30mg or 45mg. I recommend that you to taper down the medication and/or switch to something else. I have done some research and Mirtazapine seems to be the least bad anti-depressant. Bupropion is probably more effective (than all other anti-depressants) but it's also harder to discontinue, which is why I recommend trying increasing Mirtazapine doze first. Mirtazapine is not SSRI or SNRI and Bupropion is norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor, and a nicotinic receptor antagonist. In other words, They have a different way of action than SSRIs or SNRIs. You have tried many SSRIs and SNRI drugs so I recommend you don't try any drugs that belongs to those classes of meds. It also seems that Redepra is not working for you either (you can try increasing the dose if you want to). You can even try it now, just make sure that it's MIRTAZAPINE and take 1.5 tablets (or even 2x15mg tablets) and see if it's better and then talk to your doc. If it's better then you can obviously ask if you can get a higher dosage of mirtazapine (but do NOT tell your doc that you have tried a higher dose on your own), and if a higher dose of Mirtazapine wasn't working, you should ask if you can switch Mirtazapine (and all other anti-depressants you are taking at the moment) to Bupropion aka Wellbutrin. Also, notice that: (1) meds aren't magic silver bullets. They do not fix any underlying issues, instead they may (hopefully) help with symptoms. But... (2) meds don't benefit everyone! some just get side-effects, which may worsen their condition instead of helping a little. I think you should try Bupropion and give 1 more drug a chance but if that doesn't help you. then stop taking meds but do not stop suddenly! You want to discontinue the meds slowly. Over multiple weeks. One more thing... Do not take any Antipsychotics unless you have symptoms of psychosis. Even then you need to try to discontinue them as fast as you can (use them for like month or two). Antipsychotics cause even worse chemical addiciton than anti-depressants. And the side-effects of antipsychotics are way worse! If your doc is trying to put you on antipsychotics either say "no thanks!" or specifically ask for Aripiprazole aka Abilify because it's the least bad one and it doesn't completely block dopamine (it's does so only partially), which is why some researchers call it a "3rd generation antipsychotic". But seriously avoid Antipsychotics because they are terrible meds. t. I have used a ton of different meds (including multiple "antipsychotics"). >My secons biggiest issue is having a job. Have you tried to explain the situation? That you aren't able to work at the moment because of your mental health but you try to fix it, and that you will try to get a job when you have right the right meds? Have you researched what kind of benefits depressed people have where you live? Are you able to get housing for gov? Although, I would avoid that because the kind of hosing the gov provides is not that good and there might be shady/unstable people living these (But note I'm not telling you to go to some kind of institution or loony bin!). Avoid mental health hospitals as long as you can. They will cost you and they just give you more meds. I hope you start feeling better!

>>73919 >Have you tried to explain the situation? That you aren't able to work at the moment because of your mental health but you try to fix it, and that you will try to get a job when you have right the right meds? [...] First part of your post is interesting, this part just feels very disgusting/misguided. Its quite possible having a (good) job would help OP's mental state, feeling constructive/powerfull/independant is something a good job can help with, while also furnishing access to potential friends and something to keep you busy, and abandoning family may short term solve some problems but long term will make OP more isolated and weak. What he needs to do is be powerful and feel powerfull. Excercise and Good Works. You say you've taken a lot of drugs. Are you healthy, financially independant, happy and productive though?

>First issue: Sad and thinks its mentally ill Work out, get a hobby, make some friends around that hobby, talk about that hobby. >Second issue: Work Once your first issue is solved, you'll be a more stable person. Someone "being an asshole" isn't really a good reason to quit, especially when you explain that the manager had a pretty good reason to think little of you. Fix your shortcomings, you're aware of them. You'll come out a stronger (mentally and physically) person with a better head on his shoulders. Oh, and spend a little time learning some soykaf. It doesn't matter what you learn about, just learn about it. Take something you do know about and question it, figure out why you hold the views you do and then try to understand the opposite of that view. Really work out why you think the way you do. In a few years, you'll feel great. Also, don't forget: You're only 18/19 years old. You aren't done really growing or mentally maturing until you're 25. When you realize that, you'll realize the next truth about that, but that's one for you to discover or it won't sit right with you (or you'll misunderstand it, which most people often do.) Good luck and remember: It's okay to fail, as long as you are learning from it. Then it's not really failure, it's just part of the process.

>>73921 Oh yeah, two more things: Get off those pills. They're just bandages, not fixes. They do not work over time because they aren't mean to, they're temporary stablizers until you can get back to getting things done. The second thing is, you need to learn to emotionally regulate. The quicker you do that, the better off you'll be. There are 30+ year olds who cannot do this, and they are miserable.

>>73916 Probably been said but needs to be said again. Get off ALL meds. They wreak unimaginable havoc on your brains reward mechanisms. But quitting them cold turkey will also plunge you to even deeper depths momentarily. To combat this, you MUST touch grass. There is no better way to reset your messed up brain chemistry than hard exercise. Just do it.

>>73924 >>73916 Close. What exercising does is increase the level of stress hormones in the body (eek, an aminal trying to eat me, better run fast!), increasing energy production temporarily, but at the cost of cell longevity. That's why everyone who works out regularly looks... stressed out, worn out. I think it's a decent stopgap measure but not really getting at the root of the issue at all. Most mental illness, if not caused by, is exacerbated by, at the simplest level, low production of biological energy. Mitochondria. ATP. All that soykaf. As regulated in part by the thyroid hormones. This can be caused by chronic consumption of bad food. PUFAs, PUFA-laden meats like chicken and pork, grains, beans, nuts, should be highly avoided. Look into "Ray Peat" if you want to learn more about this, it's how I ended my own lifelong depression. I used to work out to help it, but then working out started to make me manic, and I knew I had to do something else too. https://wiki.chadnet.org/ray-peat (The video at the top is a nice intro) https://raypeat.com/articles/articles/thyroid-insanities.shtml The good news is that the body and brain are astoundingly plastic and durable, despite what the medical establishment may tell you, so change is quite possible and you're not fuarrked up forever. Good luck! I believe in you!

>>73917 I can't exercise enough because I feel tired all the time. Trying my best for improving my diet but I'm poor so it's hard to eat healthy all the time. After reading other replies I'll decide about quitting. There's a computer shop nearby my house I asked them if they need a guy and I said I open to learn stuff but they gently rejected me because they don't need a another guy and also they said they're in a bad stage I mean financially. Maybe can find a another job but it's too difficult to find. >>73918 I can't endure the taste of it I hate it and also can't afford it all the time. >>73919 Yeah I just checked redepra is mirtazapine. So you say I should try redepra with 30 mg or 1.5 tablet I think I'll try 30 mg of redepra. I'll say to my shrink about bupropion if redepra doesn't works for me. I forgot to tell I used abilify which is a antipsychotic as you know. Bad part is my doctor made me use it for 10 months. My doc made me quit after I told him that I couldn't sit down I always wanted to move, walk etc. He said its some unwanted side effect so he changed all the meds I use then. >>My secons biggiest issue is having a job. Have you tried to explain the situation? That you aren't able to work at the moment because of your mental health but you try to fix it, and that you will try to get a job when you have right the right meds? I told them a lot of time but they don't care about it they don't listen to me so I gave up arguing with them. And no I didn't research the benefits depressed people have probably nothing, the country I live doesn't even have suicide hotline number. Also no government doesn't provide house. Man I fuarrrking hate it why did I born in this country. Thanks a lot dude.

>>73924 Can confirm crucifixion is a good way to end depression

>>73926 >I can't exercise enough because I feel tired all the time. Many people report that a small amount of i.e. cardio makes them less tired on average. I think its worth a try to force yourself to do it for at least a couple weeks, see if you can get better at it. Shame about the computer shop, I hope you can find something. >>73925 >excercise failes to get at the root of the problem, low energy production at cell level I'm pretty sure excercise does have effects on cells and metabolism though, and most people I know who excercise regularly certainly don't look discernably more worn out than the ones who don't. Healthiest person I know spends more time exercising than he does sleeping, and I'm not talking about some screwed up body builder sense of healthy. Diet is obviously incredibly important as well, these are both levers for changing the same machine.

>>73925 >but at the cost of cell longevity. That's why everyone who works out regularly looks... stressed out, worn out. I quite disagree about that. It's the people who don't exercise that look old, imagine the average skinfat balding 25 year old soymale. >is exacerbated by, at the simplest level, low production of biological energy. Mitochondria. ATP Exercise and fasting greatly improve mitochondrial function, you literally grow more of them and kill the dysfunctional ones. Acute stress makes you stronger, this is common sense. >PUFAs, PUFA-laden meats like chicken and pork, grains, beans, nuts, should be highly avoided. When it comes to fats, just avoid the artificial ones, or most seed oils. If the fat comes from an animal, it's good for you. All western mainstream nutritional advice is literally backwards. Do the opposite of what (((they))) tell you. Carbohydrates are literally killing you.

>>73929 >Diet is obviously incredibly important as well, these are both levers for changing the same machine. Not quite. Dietary change alone is usually sufficient to resolve mental problems -- exercise alone is not. >>73930 Your comically conspiratorially-minded writing reveals your high stress/cortisol levels. This is because you avoid carbohydrates in the form of sugars and fruits, and no doubt go to the slave pen to lift metal like everyone else. >I quite disagree about that. It's the people who don't exercise that look old, imagine the average skinfat balding 25 year old soymale. I think there's a difference between not exercising because you don't want to, because it's a waste of time and you'd rather be programming, writing, or otherwise creating, and simply being unable to because you're already metabolically sick. >Exercise and fasting greatly improve mitochondrial function, you literally grow more of them and kill the dysfunctional ones. You're describing the autophagy mechanism. There is some truth to this. You also kill all your other cells too, though. >Acute stress makes you stronger, this is common sense. Stress in this sense simply makes you more adapted to stress. A body adapted to stress is one that dies earlier. This also was common sense 30-40 years ago, before capitalists started selling gym memberships, expensive plastic clothing, etc. Sure, if you lift weight you get better at lifting weight, until you plateau (because human beings aren't meant to lift weight, we're naturally very lean). And before you invoke some kind of imagine of le ebin bronze age warrior in your head -- height/bone structure is way more important than muscle for fighting. You have more reach and more mechanical advantage in your levers. >When it comes to fats, just avoid the artificial ones, or most seed oils. The thing is that with the slop that non-ruminant animals are fed these days (again, chicken, pork) their fat is basically seed oils. I.e., PUFA. >If the fat comes from an animal, it's good for you. You're wrong. I agree that saturated fat is good for you (i.e., beef fat, a ruminant animal), but not all animal fat is equal, like, at all. How can you make such a mistake? You smell like a 4chan refugee. >All western mainstream nutritional advice is literally backwards. Generally agreed. You know what mainstream nutrition is also obsessed with? Cutting out sugar, and working out. >Carbohydrates are literally killing you. Starches, sure, especially grains, can cause a lot of harm. But fruit is incredibly healthy to consume for most people. > Oh, but carbohydrates are carbohydrates bro! You know nothing. > In an old experiment, a rat was tube-fed ten grams of corn-starch paste, and then anesthetized. Ten minutes after the massive tube feeding, the professor told the students to find how far the starch had moved along the alimentary canal. No trace of the white paste could be found, demonstrating the speed with which starch can be digested and absorbed. The very rapid rise of blood sugar stimulates massive release of insulin, and rapidly converts much of the carbohydrate into fat. >(Even the taste of sweetness, without swallowing anything, can stimulate the release of glucagon, which raises blood sugar.) I advise you to stop reasoning in terms of caricatures and examine things as they are, where they are.

I'm going to add a little bit to this discussion. Don't blindly trust the advice of random lainons when it comes to prescription medication. Ask your psychiatrist before doing anything. I will add a bit of my own commentary, but do your own research on even what I say and take it with a heavy grain of salt. Do not quit anything cold turkey. Another thing to note is that SSRI's particularly are known to blunt emotions, which is likely to increase the issues with anhedonia you are describing. >73919 He's right about avoiding antipsychotics if you do not suffer psychosis. Doctors seem to love to prescribe these like candy. They also have a lot of terrible side effects - they can fuarrrk up your metabolism pretty bad. The buproprion suggestion is also good, and I would ask your psychiatrist about this. Buproprion can also increase energy, from what I have read. However, I also read that it decreases seizure threshold. As for jobs, you might want to look at some of the smaller grocery stores or mom and pop establishments. I've found that the types of people at those types of places are much friendlier, in my experience. I am sorry that you had a negative experience at Starbucks. It was a good thing that you quit. Never let yourself be taken advantage of by assholes; your time is valuable. You might want to look to see if there are any sort of colleges around you that do programs that are designed to get you out into the workforce directly - some of them are pretty short, like a year, I think. But one thing I can say is: Don't get too caught up in labels like "OCD" and "depression." Do not internalize them as a part of your identity. >>73926 >I can't exercise enough because I feel tired all the time. Trying my best for improving my diet but I'm poor so it's hard to eat healthy all the time. You don't really have to start big. Maybe start with a 5-minute walk down the street and gradually work your way up. Start with small and realistic goals. Anything is better than nothing. As for the diet, you might want to look into things like beans, brown rice, and organ meats, which are nutritious and affordable. It doesn't have to be something like cow heart, but chicken liver is good, cheap, and packed with nutrients. Lentils and split peas are also good. There's also oatmeal, which you can just toss in the fridge overnight with some milk. As for vegetables, you might want to look into frozen vegetables because they may be cheaper. Variety and balance are really important when it comes to diet. Don't worry about all of the keto and other meme diets. But whatever habits you change, do it slowly so that they stick.

Seriously, everyone has a thing that they enjoy and perfect it, this is called "profession", it can be developed from hobbies, a real hobby is recommended, we all enjoy games and TV shows, but it's not a hobby if we just enjoy it, it ought to be something you can be proud of and a skill. Dear lainon, you might need to lower your dopamine intake to normalize the good feeling, know what's giving you the high amounts of it, and ditch it, leave it, forget it and devote yourself into something that actually matters, find your only one positivity and accelerate it, empower it until it becomes a very strong thing that you truly specialize in it, and finally, I would like to ask, the exam, is it 2 exams or just 1 to enter university?

>>73916 tell your doctor you're having suicidal thoughts and they'll probably change your medication. you have to learn to take note of when they started (ex: after the addition or change of a medication)

>>73926 I'd recommend excersice that serves another purpose (ime exercising for the sake of it is hard with depression-depleted willpower) Do you live near any pretty natural areas or cityscapes? Or have any errands you can force yourself to run consistently? Walking/biking is a really good start. You can take your time, chill as long as you need to, and changing setting has benefits in itself.

>>73916 >lustral, prozac, faverin, duxet and currently I use sulinex 225 mg and redepra 15 mg. Dawg you are taking 6 kinds of poison and wonder why you feel bad?

>>73932 Not that guy, but fruit fuarrrks me up. Maybe some people can tolerate it, but I certainly can't. I do best with no carbs at all, not fruit, starch, even lactose feels bad.

It happens. You go to school you think it is like kicking dead whales down the beach and that you're great and you're going to show the world once school ends and then you learn they all lied to you and its much worse. That too is still a lie, have faith in that at least. You'll do great, you are already great, you just don't see it.

I'd recommend you try a few different meds. Bupropion is a godsend for a lot of people. My brain is resistant to antidepressants so I'm going to try TMS (Transcranial Magnet Stimulation) and see if that does anything. I know saying things like this doesn't help but it really does get better. You just have to find what works with your head. The fact that you're on meds shows you're trying to get better. If there are still options, keep pushing through.

>>74331 A better approach is to recognize that psychiatry is a scam and every drug you take is damaging your brain and therefore diminishing your coping mechanisms and ability to live on your own.

>>74305 After a long period without carbs, your insulin sensitivity will likely improve to the point where you can enjoy fruit again. This is what happened to me. I think some time off of them is useful for most people that do badly with starches (for me, it promoted bipolar-like tendencies)

>>74336 I've been without carbs for a long time, a few years already. Returning to fruit fuarrrked me up which is why I went back off. Even small amounts of ripe peaches or avocados were too much. They made me feel inflammation in my joints, a general sense of malaise, and caused constipation/dry stool. I find that the most tolerable carbohydrate for me is lactose, however, that may be because I cannot digest it well. Usually I can still drink some cream and be fine.

>>73925 >chicken and pork, grains, beans, nuts what does that leave except apples and bananas?

>>73925 The ray peat diet is a great way to fuarrrk up your health and give yourself diabetes. Sure pufa is bad, but sugar is equally bad.

Sounds like you should try to improve your relationship with your family. There's got to be something you can do to help them out, either at home or related to their work / business. And they've got to know that you want to get better and would be willing to accept some help. You don't sound Anglo so I assume that if they want to kick you out it must be pretty bad. I would look at trades instead of working at starbucks honestly. And did you even study for the exam?

>>73916 Bud I'll tell you, the doctors aren't there to help you. Only you can help you. Their taxed dope is of the worst kind of addiction. Yeah, I've ben on it all. Find something, anything, that amuses you or makes you happy and cling to it. Define your soykaf yourself, don't let others tell you "what works." They are all dishonest soykafeaters.

a deeply ingrained belief in a spiritual/moral obligation to stay alive is the only reason that i am still, currently, alive.

>>75841 Lmao >Not living for a deep seated hatred for the world where your very existence is rebellion against the nothingness and enough to keep you alive

>>75877 i dont even hate the world i just live because i refuse to kill myself

>>75877 For several months last year basically the only thing keeping me alive was the thought that me being alive was probably really pissing god off and my will to live was based purely out of spite.

>>75877 nah that would never work for me. hate doesn't inspire me, it just compounds the sadness.

Ain't it funny how it happens? Start to do something with your life instead of being just a fuarrrking media consumer and a bitch ass nigga. Start to do something interesting and something you'll be proud of in the future. Something that makes you feel alive. What is it? That's for you to answer, glitterboy.

>>75996 That's self pitty and depression. Just KYS (spiritually) so that you experience ego death, you just need to push yourself deeper into sadness and despair until the very concept of your "self" stops existing and your reason for existing becomes absent. Once you get there, you can rebuild yourself in any image you desire with any goal in mind. Do not try to use /drg/ to get there, it is critical that you do this by subjecting yourself to immense existential trauma. Bonus points for finding a dream and purpose you are willing to die physically for.

>>76002 >Bonus points for finding a dream and purpose you are willing to die physically for. isn't that the complete antithesis of everything else you've said up until this point?

>>76111 Wanting to die because of depression/self pitty is a gay beta move Wanting to die for a cause you decided on is an alpha chad move

>>76112 let the enemy die for his cause, I'd rather win and bask in glory lol.

>>76112 >Wanting to die for a cause you decided on Same soykaf extra steps. A single additional coat of paint on the exact same mind virus. In virtually all circumstances death disempowers you and cannot be spent as a currency, so a heroic death is a lame fantasy of being empowered without having to do the hard thing, caring for yourself. IMO that's really the only way, no shortcuts.

The way you die, decides on how you will enter Valhalla. If you die down by killing yourself because life is so tough because you were unable to complete your Pokédex, you will enter the gates of Valhalla wiggling as a worm and will be treated as such by those who dwell there. It's vital that you realise that lying down and killing yourself, is exactly what the thing attempting to destroy you wants. You do not give it the satisfaction of listening to something that wants to destroy you, because then its victory over you is complete. If someone or something has worked you down so much you feel like commiting suicide because of it, you conquer that thing. If it's a spook in your brain, you conquer the spook. If it's some other living being, you conquer that living being. You conquer it, because it has attempted to destroy you. And if you are unable to conquer it and die during the battle. you will have died fighting, standing strong and proud while attempting to conquer that which had attempted to conquer you; you will die, fighting as a warrior that fought for the sake of his own glory and self-preservation; you will die a proud warrior and be celebrated as such while you pass through the gates of the Valhalla, where you join the Gods and Godesses at the tables of the Everelasting Feast.

no suicide because we love u so much u don't even know OP! NEVER GIVE UP! 9001 TRILLION SAVED SOULS BILLION HUGS BIG LOVE TIME FOREVER AND EVER GOOD DAY GOOD NIGHT

>>76112 i would argue that having anything you believe in that strongly at all is completely incompatible with the retarded brand of self-imposed misery you've been talking about