/vent/

New thread, since old one hit reply limit. 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989

No one is talking about https://github.com/RupertBenWiser/Web-Environment-Integrity/blob/main/explainer.md and that really pisses me off. This is a pretty step backwards with regards to the internet and freedom.

>>72999 God, that is fuarrrking lame. I saw on fedi that the guy who wrote the proposal preemptively deleted his fediverse account to avoid the backlash he knew was coming. I hope this proposal dies, but surely Google will force it or something similar.

Welp I've done it, cut everything off. I am now completely alone, no one on this earth knows I exist now. and maybe that's for the best. I hated them all anyways, and none of them ever saw me as a real friend, so the hate is probably mutual. God relationships and talking to people fuarrrking suck, it's so much easier this way. I don't even know why I bothered trying to talk to people or make friends and all of that other stupid soykaf, I should've just spared myself the trouble and wasted time, nothing valuable ever came out of it anyways.

>>73000 Yeah, I'm not surprised. They know what they are doing is wrong. What a bunch of subhuman animals. >>73001 >none of them ever saw me as a real friend, so the hate is probably mutual. Realistically, they probably don't think about you. At all. Other than that, yeah man. I know how you feel. Talking to people is a chore and a general waste of time. Then again, what isn't? Good luck with whatever it is, and if I'm one of those "friends". Sorry that I wasn't good enough.

>>73002 >They probably don't think about you. At all. I got that vibe really quickly yeah, just felt so underhanded when they would be way more friendly and close-knit with other people but then would ignore me or talk over me or be quiet when I tried to talk and then change the topic of conversation. It's always the ones that try super hard to signal that they're nice people that are the complete opposite.

I off and on with my depression get like a depressive paranoia that people dont like me very much. Its not a kind of paranoid where I need them to like me. It has been in the past with romantic interests and friends but I realized long ago it was some deeper problem and the issue wasnt any specific person liking or not liking me it was a worry that people in general dont like me very much. After awhile I sort of evolved past that too and decided that people probably dont have much of a reason to not like me or like me, but I must be difficult to talk to. I noticed I hide myself and when I can tell someone wants to talk to me it weirdly just provokes anxiety. When that depressive paranoia kicks in and I have an interaction with someone where I believe I talked too much, or said something awkward, or the conversation even just got really personal or sightly intimate; I for some reason follow that up by doing bizarre things like not saying hi to the person the next day. Its like some weird belief in my head that I overstepped previously and now need to give the person space even when they are literally looking right at me or are saying hi to me first. Sometimes itl be other things too. Il realize I find someone attractive and maybe partly because I already have a partner and partly whats developed into a weird fixation with being reliable and safe il decide in my head like "You have no reason to be talking to this person you only want to talk to them for nefarious reasons". This alone probably wouldnt stop me, but combined with my previous avoidant tendencies it becomes a rational I can use in the moment. Although in kind of a feedback, part of the reason I avoid making eye contact with new people or acquaintances is im worried my gaze alone will make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I started a job a bit ago and its also when I realized people do actually want to talk to me cause almost everyone tries to I think. I never speak ill of anyone but im actually the meanest there I think in my head. Ive gotten a lot better about it but this one old guy just makes me angry a lot internally, and I know probably the same judgements I make are maybe the ones im scared of. Beyond that though the thing is among the people I have warmed up to, and even sometimes with people I already have known forever, as of late like within the past few years I feel like I dont know how to talk. Im not sure if its the pandemic, or past drug use coming to bite me, or if its because for awhile and maybe still a little I only ever wanted to be around highly critical people, but unless someone is asking me a very direct question my mind like goes through so many things at once and theres so many things I can think of to say that I can not formulate it into a quick response. Ive noticed this a lot lately cause my coworkers keep noticing stuff about me and asking me questions about why I do this or that or how I seem to be interested in xyz and how that started or stuff about my life or past. Or just like open ended what if questions or like kind of philosophical stuff like if you had to die how would you want to go. I try to answer but it comes out like all wrong and frantic and disorganized. Sometimes I just am like I dont even know where to start with that or like oh man its crazy you bring that up without ever actually saying anything. Or ik give a short answer and bypass all the stuff im actually saying. This doesnt only bother me because it makes me feel less connected or something or it makes it harder to make new friends; the main reason it bothers me is that sometimes they ask really good questions or talk to me about stuff I really appreciate and find really thought provoking and great and I cant show that I appreciate it. I think it even sometimes comes off like I dont want to talk about what they are asking or telling me about when I really do. And ive even tried to say sometimes like im really glad you asked me that or this is actually really hitting for me but I can tell it comes off as kind of empty platitudes because in my actual response I was short or ended up taking too long to say anything and then getting interrupted by something else. Like im not giving back their enthusiasm they gave to me. I can only talk at length like clearly it feels like if someone gives me a problem they are having trouble with, and then sometimes I talk for so long and keep asking questions or keep trying to dig deeper into it with them that to a certain like type of person it creates this response of like "Oh I was just bringing it up haha its not that important we dont have to go too deep into it". I had one friend I remember but who also had some odd mental issues going on (odder than mine) where she occasionally would actually get mad or frustrated when id do this because to her it seemed like I was making a really big deal out of something that "wasnt supposed to be this serious" which I didnt totally get cause I never felt I was treating it that seriously, just digging into it for fun for as long as she didnt change the subject. She more often than those instances really appreciated me doing this sort of thing with her but I remember the instances shed get mad more just because it wasnt something I expected. Weirdly this made me feel very secure in the relationship cause I knew exactly what I was providing which was someone to bounce her problems and ideas off of. Tying into earlier, I stopped talking and being friends with her slowly over some months as she wanted to do other stuff together besided just what I mentioned earlier or asking me for help with stuff. Which whats funny is my major issue I have with my current partner is I always feel I need to help them and walk them through everything. How I want to be treated and what I want people to want from me and what I want from other people feels totally schizophrenic sometimes. I want people to rely on me cause it makes me feel secure and needed but when they rely on me too much it makes me feel trapped and I want someone I can rely on for once myself cause I am tired but whenever someone offers that to me I grow anxious and nervous and want to and sometimes do stop talking to them. I usually hate my posts here but I think il save this one and maybe when I have healthcare again go see a therapist and this can sum up everything so I dont just decide im actually feeling fine and talk about something else to avoid talking about this.

This is a dumb thing to complain about but I need to put it into words so I can understand why I'm so upset by it. A few years ago I joined a Japanese artist's discord server. It's the only one I've joined and it was (and mostly still is) more or less a place for people to share art and weird stuff they found on the internet. Probably as a consequence of the artist drawing furry (adjacent) stuff this attracts a certain kind of person. While the old guard are still there, most of the posts are from now a handful of (comparatively quite young) people that showed up in the last year or so. While weird fetish art would be shared to gawk at and have a chuckle over, there is now an earnest appreciation for it, often accompanied with information that is far, far too personal to be sharing with strangers on the internet. I guess it's getting to the point that I no longer feel I belong there because I'm not in some kind of polyamorous relationship and don't masturbate myself into a coma while looking at TF porn.

>>73002 At least browsing the issues opened on the repo provided some laughs.

>>72999 Anybody noticed that since a week or two, Github can't even render markdown/images or show directory listing without JS? All according to plan, I guess.

>>72999 >lets implement an authority to tell you the browser runs in a real environment anti-cheat for browsers? lel

>>73009 yes lol was just dealing with that the other day. the regularity with which software 'devs' break perfectly adequate/functional things never ceases to amaze

>>73011 i believe its so you allow js so they can fingerprint you with js. Thats also why the previous one said according to plan.

I have influenza and I just can't fuarrrking concentrate on anything. I can't read a damn book or program and just spend all day procrastinating. I'm losing my fuarrrking mind!

>>73013 You're sick. Why would you expect to be useful?

I am angry THAT PEOPLE KEEP CONSTANTLY SHOWING UP IN THE fuarrrkING VENT THREAD AND RUINING IT BY GIVING UNSOLICITED COMMENTARY AND ADVICE HOLY SHIT SOMETIMES THINGS ARE JUST ANNOYING AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THEM I THOT THAT WUZ Y WE HAD THIS THREAD

>>73015 >I'm mad that when I post things on a public forum people respond to it!

>>73014 I'm bored out of my fuarrrking mind. All I can do is sit in bed and websurf and don't even have the strength to read or watch anything interested fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk

>>73007 'Scuse, what is TF porn? I understand this is the vent thread, but I'm coming up empty and I'm trying desperately to get hip with the kids. I don't want another conversation with my mother telling me I'm weird or out of touch.

>>73016 sometimes all that is needed is a listening ear(or port)

>>73021 I wouldn't worry. Only reprobates know it is. People turning into other things like animals or inanimate objects.

>>73004 >It's always the ones that try super hard to signal that they're nice people that are the complete opposite. Correct. The ones that crave others' approval the most have the most to gain by ostracizing the person the collective deems as 'unwanted' in their eyes. And of course, the most to lose if they don't do it. Just try not to be like this if you ever find yourself in the position.

Only person that gives me any strength to move on is God and Jesus Christ. Everything is possible through him.

At some point, I started becoming dissatisfied with porn. The sex depicted started to feel so empty and devoid of any human connection and the actors just didn't seem to do anything that people having sex in real life would do, like the things they really would've enjoyed. I think for a while I just watched random amateur videos, and then later I would watch hentai from like late 90s early 00s or sometimes manga. Words Worth was my favorite hentai... But then I started watching "interracial" porn and its like all I watch now. I think I'm addicted and I feel so racist, but it has touching, kissing, embracing, laughter... and such genuine blissful pleasure. At least the ones I watch do. But the reason why they allow these things in interracial is not to depict love but an ultra virile stereotype of black men. One time I tried to not watch it for a while and when I eventually did I felt this huge rush coming back to me and I started watching it regularly again. The other thing is I'm bi and I crave seeing an attractive woman as well as an attractive man having sex and the men are muscular and healthy but they pick guys that look like criminals or they make them look that way in hair and makeup goddamm, but it always makes me come so hard and I just don't know but I've said enough.

What are some things that a young person could dedicate their life to, with the knowledge that social collapse is imminent within the next few decades?

>>73005 >I never speak ill of anyone but im actually the meanest there I think in my head. Don't worry about this anon. Everyone has fuarrrked up and mean thoughts, but they don't mean anything. Thoughts are not the same thing as beliefs, they can't be controlled. People who worry their thoughts mean something bad about them are likely to end up suffering from intrusive/obsessive thoughts because they intentionally try to not think bad things. But of course that's impossible. Try not to think about oranges for 10 minutes. You can't. Anyway, you just seem spend a lot of time considering other people's feelings for you to be "the meanest one there" idk >my mind like goes through so many things at once and theres so many things I can think of to say that I can not formulate it into a quick response. >This doesnt only bother me because it makes me feel less connected or something or it makes it harder to make new friends; the main reason it bothers me is that sometimes they ask really good questions or talk to me about stuff I really appreciate and find really thought provoking and great and I cant show that I appreciate it. Sounds like like pretty textbook social anxiety. You want to be friendly and social but you're so worried about what the right way to do it is that you end up not saying anything at all. I do it all the time, actually I just realized I rewrote and restructured like every sentence of this response. Most people don't worry very much about what the right thing to say is, they just say it. I've read a book on the subject but I can't really it helped me, but CBT is usually the most recommended by therapists if you want to read about it. Its like you have to retrain your brain to not be afraid of what you say by just going ahead and saying something. The more you do it, the more you realize theres nothing to be afraid of. but of course theres misguided people who try to help others by forcing them to do things that are uncomfortable for them. In order for CBT to work, it needs to be done from the patients own free will. I guess I should just be saying go see a professional which it sounds like you're going to do already and to be honest I don't know why I'm trying to give you advice, you seem to be a functioning adult and I'm a borderline hikki but the symptoms you described really struck me like I do the same thing with trying to solve peoples computer problems or trying to help other people when i used to work. >>73018 when I had covid I just watched sunny in philadelphia and soykaf and I was pretty happy. just watch movies and tv shows bro you'll be fine. but i got 2 weeks off work though >>73007 I used to play an arena fps and I felt like I had friends outside my family for the first time since I was young. But there was all this drama with the devs and no one liked the direction the game was going in and everyone I knew stopped playing. The worst thing was that I said something that was so mean to another player for pretty much no reason in front of so many people, and I never said I was sorry. Now there seems to be a new, but much smaller community of players but they don't play the gametypes we used to and it just isn't the same. I know there was an older, even larger community that existed before us that didn't really play anymore but some of them started to come back when we played, I guess because the community seemed to be alive again. Sometimes they would say that we sucked and one of them was really mean to me, and the two best players were both from the older community. I never felt like I was that great at the game, but I enjoyed playing it so much, I kindof just wanted to play without working on how to improve, I played more often than the other people at my skill level. There was one other person that also wanted to play all the time but he was so much better than me so I would just play and lose against him all the time. But then he was really mean to me probably because of my incident with that other player, and one time he thought i was trying to heckle his game but it was because I hit a keybind accidentally, and also one time I was talking about him while he was in the server with me because I didn't know he was there. I'm pretty sure he hated me after all that stuff. But anyway aside from all that I guess games like that are always going to just die, any of us could crush and destroy people coming from other quake games. We'd try to go somewhat easy on them and teach them movement but it was very uncommon to get new players.

i feel unfit to live in this world, I'm unsure what to do. when i look to others, and how they live I often think I don't want to do that or i don't want to be like that and so i essentially lock myself out of necessary traits or things that would make me fit to live. I don't want to give up and kill myself but it's the only answer I keep arriving at. the thought of giving up and accepting that I am a common man doomed to fail and be forgotten like many others often tortures me, i think if I experience ego death then i will finally be able to let go and give up on this life but paradoxically I so desperately want to succeed even when i'm basically opposing the current.

How can someone identify with what they are? with their body, desires or mind or anything. how i could want something or how i could like being conscious?. My "self" and being alive feels like an external imposition or like a movie that I couldn't chose and i can't stop. and I just want to get rid of all that and return to the void, It is like the wires that connect my soul with this animal, any experience or feeling, or anything in this world was broken.

I fuarrrking hate being alive. It's just so much damn work. I know I need to labor towards my goals and I would be much better off if I did more for myself but every effort I make I just drop after a while. Used to be I could stick with things for a few weeks before losing steam but my latest efforts barely last two days before I'm back in the cycle of wasting time with distractions and trying not to think about killing myself. Lately I've been trying to avoid the reality that my last friend moved away and I'm alone out here, so in my free time I've been gaming (multiplayer) and browsing the web, anything that makes me feel like I'm connected to the world outside my apartment. There's a dozen things I should be doing instead but I'm not doing any of them. Just the thought of being alone with a book in my room gives me anxiety, as if the world outside will disappear and I'll open my front door to nothing but stars and space. >>73067 I too am afraid of mediocrity. I don't think we're doomed to fail, but for myself on my current path I will have mediocrity for sure. >>73073 Identification doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, you can pick up a piece of identity and decide to carry it for a while, and put it back down when the time comes. I think you're looking too hard for things that you can 100% say ARE you and will never be separate from you but that is hard and that kind of certainty is rare.

>i hate/fear admitting i'm mediocrity the problem with you guys is that there's nothing to hate and nothing to be afraid of. it's just a matter of luck. somebody was lucky to had been born in a place where he could find a use to his abilities and thus advance in something above mediocrity, fine, good for him. but you must understand that most just aren't this lucky. it's not even problem with your abilities not being good enough. anything above average *is* enough to not be a mediocrity provided your luck stats are high enough. the second point is that luck stats cannot change. the point of no return is likely the age of 27-30. because i've never seen anyone who could recover after passing that threshold. by that age you must have some basement for further advancements. if you don't, you're not going to have it ever. and the point of the whole post. since you cannot do anything about your luck stats, you either accept your life as it is or kill yourself. either is just as good as the other. you're only going to make your existence miserable tenfold if you allow yourself to experience emotions like fear, disgust or hate towards your luck. there's nothing you can or could do. make you life better, dispose of that emotions.

Is it worth studying computer science in college if your bad at math? I don't even have any real passion for the subject, or really anything else really. I just enjoy computers and playing around with lisp once in a while but I'm worried about job prospects. CS might be the only wage earning thing I could do aside from spending all my life serving goyslop or dying in an Amazon enslavement facility. And by bad at math, I mean bad real bad. I even struggle with basic arithmetic and counting. I've tried relearning it from scratch three times and failed. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>73204 If you enjoy it then do it. You don't need to be good at math, and by doing it you'll end up getting good at math in the end without even trying to. Name a programming project you're interested in, and do it!

>What are some things that a young person could dedicate their life to, with the knowledge that social collapse is imminent within the next few decades? Food production ( gardening, hunting , foraging, animal husbandry) Food Storage (smoking, canning, jam making, pickling ) Cooking Handy Crafts (construction, woodworking, sewing, blacksmithing, masonry, ect.) Water systems ( Collection, purification, storage ) Self Defense (Striking, grappling, blade work, small arms) Soft kills ( de-escalation, escalation, rhetoric, negotiation, trust building, ect.)

>>72999 The internet is a bait and switch. They got people using it by advertising it as free and open and letting people mess around on it. Now they have everyone using it they don't need to promote it anymore or provide quality or openness anymore. Now it can fulfill it's real intentions - surveillance and control. And most people will support that as they're scared their bank account could be hacked. Even technically inclined people will justify it as a means to stop ai spam, but really only ai spam that isn't backed by government or corporations will be stopped.

>>73204 If you have no passion for it now you will hate working as a programmer. If you do have passion, work will be (just) tolerable.

>>73226 Above all that I'd recommend moving to a rural farming community and being very social and helpful for everybody. You can't do everything alone, the day only has 24 hours. Having your own place with all the tools and materials, being surrounded by people who aren't just neutral but helpful, being competent. Don't neglect the people part.

Since I was a kid, I had a dream and I spent years working towards it, denying myself the comforts and pleasures of everyone else. Now I've just realized it isn't financially possible. I just can't afford it. I've lost the will to be anything other than a hikineet who doesn't leave his keyboard. Life fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>1800s industrial revolution Hyper capitalism >1900s communistic revolutions Hyper communism and socialism >2000s capitalism Hyper individualism and capitalism >2100s communism Global overreaching communism Its a pendulum because humans have lost their way, we are living past any need to assure ourselves with God or nature, we are just swinging between extremes now just to FEEL SOMETHING

My birthday came and went and even though most of my close friends started ghosting me 3 months ago due mostly to my drug issues I hoped they would at least send "hey happy birthday, we cant be there woth you but hope you get better" or something No happy birthday messages outside my family and gfs family. Even though I called them over for birthdays multiple years in a row they dont call me for their birthdays. I had what I thought was 5 friends, which turned out to be none. It just ṣucks man, since I was diagnosed with autism I understood why I never felt like I belong and had a hard time socializing, but to not have one friend by your side? Jesus Christ it hurts. I guess I must have pushed them all away from me by my behavior. Justifyably so because it was eratic, destructive and inflammatory. Live and learn I guess. This pain isn't from nothing.

>>73241 Quit crying like you're isolated you have a gf

>>73247 Just because I have it better than you I can't feel sorrow, loneliness or isolation? Why does the world revolve around you?

I'm so tired of feeling lonely, I know pretty much everyone else here shares the same sentiment but it's just so crushing. I like being alone and I'm fine with not having a lot of friends, but going for such a long time without any friends is so depressing. Almost a year ago I moved to a new city, got a new job and started at a new school. I still haven't made a single friend, I'm just mild acquaintances with everyone I know and no matter how hard I try it doesn't seem to budge any further. I'm always being excluded from stuff and it just is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I know it's me that's the problem, but I try my best to reach out and be as genuine and sociable I can but I always fall flat on my face. Doesn't help that I have autism and was homeschooled so I've spent my life in isolation. Sick of feeling like the 'other' my entire life.

>>73241 Meh, I decided to play the fox and the grapes. I totally disconnect on my birthday and take a hike on the forest. That way, I don't have to deal with the feeling that people might not really care about me.

What do you do when you realize a dream you've had since childhood is unachievable? Just feel really disheartened right now.

>>73427 Why do you feel that it's unachievable, lainanon? Is it really so?

>>73428 I always wanted to be a professional marine biologist but I can't afford college. I probably never will and I just turned 28. I'm fuarrrking broke. Even though I got accepted, I can't pay for it. Life is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>73429 If you say so. Wouldn't it be better to act in order to approach that ideal than telling yourself it will never happen?

I just can't connect with people anymore, and I have no real way to, or even reason to. Feels like the only things people care about and talk about are politics and all of the bullshit related to that, never shutting up about whatever cause they're championing. They always want to look like the smartest and the most morally righteous person in the room, obsessed with their ego and obsessed with being right no matter what. Minds sealed shut because it's been shoved so far up their own asses that it's landed back in it's original spot. It just adds to this growing sense of narcissism I feel from everyone nowadays, they all love the sound of their own voice, only care about being approved and validated, only want to talk about their issues and the stuff they suffer from, and vehemently attack anyone who dares say or think differently. A lot of people I talk to just can't socialize, or be affable in any way possible. They either ignore me and continue talking about themselves (their favorite topic), or just continue with their topic and ignoring what I said. I feel like their lives are just super empty, and it's all they have left to cling on to. This concerns people young and old, generational gaps have nothing to do with it. Everyone's involved with these stupid, frivolous, inane, banal, shallow, meaningless, and just plain unimportant culture wars. It's seriously the lowest, and most pathetic form of escapism I've ever witnessed in my life, and this is coming from someone who's really deep into anime and manga. Getting super obsessed with this brainrot as a way to think about something other than how soykaf your life is, anything to escape the emptiness. Tl;dr fuarrrk politics, it's made society insufferable

>>73432 Quality of life is getting worse bro, we are literally in the imminence of collapse due to climate change. People are stressed and in times like that attachment to ideology or similar conceptual structures (e.g. religions) is a psychological response.

>>73432 Also, buddhism already answered why that happened and how to solve that problem 2 thousands years ago. https://www.hillsidehermitage.org/

I feel like I'm actually developing the ability to project my actions more than a week into the future (hyperbole), and I think I'll soon find a way to orchestrate actions over a year (or maybe longer) to meet arbitrary goals. I'm 27, and I'm only now developing this capacity and honestly it feels great. It's also worth noting that this is part of other "self-organization" skills that I've only gotten in the last 4 years of de-NEETing myself (in a vocational-school-pretending-to-be-a-college atm). Idk this is all good and such, but if you were to ask me how I've done it I'd tell you that I've basically decided to let a very large cluster of brainworms take part residence of my mind and bodyjack me from time to time. I'm being more or less metaphorical. I used to exclusively think "I want to do nothing, be nothing, and have nothing to my name" (not in a depressed way, just as a result of asking "What do you want?" to myself). Now I have that and another attitude that says "You are going to have soykaf to deal with shoved into your face until you die, and I would rather be slightly more poised to deal with them when they come. Prepare yourself". There are minor things (I have one minor obsession over learning how to do a thing that may very well be impossible), but pretty much all of the other running concerns that regularly bring me into contact with people can be tied to the "Prepare." cluster. Even the minor things feel like "demonstrate that you have the capacity to..." things. The worm-ening has some positive(?) outcomes in other places that probably look more "normal" than I am. "You need to be able to work with other people" is one of the cluster as well, and it's made me direct, helpful (or at least, I try to be), and probably more committed to being dependable and predictable (for shared burdens). As far as I can tell, most of the people I do things with have a positive opinion of me. I want nothing from them, and I do things primarily because I think it's practice for a skill I'll need, I think something they're doing is cute and will help them because it's cute that they want it, or I feel obligated to because we share a common direction. Sometimes I wonder if they can separate my willingness to help them from liking them, and sometimes I wonder how they'll react when I eventually purposefully let any connection to them wither when i graduate. I won't be bonded to them any more, and while I think some of them are alright, they feel like fauna in a nature reserve to me. Some downsides are probably that while my organization and adherence to my "goals" or whatever are strong, my intensity is currently my bottleneck, my sleep is pretty soykaf (but I'm gambling on something that might make it better), and I keep thinking it's a matter of time before I let someone get too close to me and they find out exactly how little actual connection I feel to them (and they promptly die of frostbite from how cold I am). I've basically resolved myself to make sure the people who are bonded to me are people I can take care of skillfully and I think when I do have the capacities I want ("want"?) i'll decide if i actually want anything else. that's about all i am at the moment. I have about the work-life balance I want—it doesn't follow from the writing but I'm content with the media I have access to and the purposefully low amount of socialization I have. If I am ever something more, I might want something more, but probably not. I'm mostly just writing this because there's a nonzero chance it will hit upon the specific kind of maybe-angsty schizoid anon who expects the series of obligations life will inevitably throw in your face until you die, and doesn't really care about or want anything but to know they damage-controlled their swan song effectively. tl;dr: it turns out wanting basically nothing from life does not necessarily strand you if you also think your capacity to avoid happenings is soykaf and you want to be reasonably confident in your abilities to help the people around you deal with them.

>>73419 Huh, this sounds like something I could have written. The same thing has roughly happened with me. I was ""homeschooled,"" and I'll heavily put that in quotation marks because not much actual schooling took place. I primarily was locked away in a dark house and never really got to meet the same social milestones that others did. The aftereffects are somewhat painful. There is a sense of disconnection because I lack the shared experiences of highschool that most people have. As a result of it, I feel disconnected from even imageboard users because they are always talking about their friendships and school experiences. There is also the thing that many of these people already have their social groups; they formed them in school and are not willing to let anybody in. Ultimately, you're lower on their priority level because you aren't "in" with them, so it is more difficult to keep in contact with them. There doesn't feel like there's really a place for me to go in real life or online; I am an alien everywhere. For me, I have just given up on friendships, and I am learning how to detach my from these feelings of loneliness. I am learning to disregard others. I think that the average normgroid is an animal, and they can sense if you aren't a part of the tribe. They arbitrarily exclude others who did not have the "correct" life. For me, I do not think that there is any way, shape, or form that I will ever be able to integrate with others socially. It is necessary to maintain an iron will in maintaining this sense of acceptance. Since I have done that, my mood has upped considerably.

>>73445 logically speaking you aint the sole homeschooled kid in the world. If that were a homeschool problem the homeschool kids could form a group

>>73446 >>logically speaking you aint the sole homeschooled kid in the world. As I said, I could barely consider it true homeschooling because I was effectively a NEET. >>If that were a homeschool problem the homeschool kids could form a group Isn't that in the process of happening? https://responsiblehomeschooling.org/ https://www.hsinvisiblechildren.org/ https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/ https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeschoolRecovery/

>>73448 meant friend groups to do normal things together not form communities to bitch about homeschool.

>>73450 Ah, okay. I see what you mean by that. I agree with you to an extent. However, although I mentioned those online communities, in real life it is significantly harder to find those in a situation like I am mentioning. My situation differs so intensely that I do not relate to genuine homeschoolers. I rarely see them around; but when I do, their parents actually gave a soykaf. They put effort into their education and socialization; many of them had a curricula and participated in all sorts of activities. Even they have friend groups from those activities they did. As a result of it, I fail to have shared experiences with even them. I have never met anyone with this set of circumstances in real life. Therefore, finding a friend group like that is quite difficult, if not unrealistic, and I do not think it applies very well to people in that situation.

>>73445 'everyone else is mutilated but im not, i wish i were mutilated too'. Being alienated is necessary in this sick world, the alternative is much worse.

>>73459 Social isolation during childhood is one of the worst ways you can be mutilated. >Being alienated is necessary in this sick world, the alternative is much worse. The alternative to being alienated is to have loving , supportive relationships and a sense of place in the world. Note that this is NOT what you get out of a conventional education. >>73457 my roommate in college told me his mom had schizophrenia and didn't let him outside the house until he was 13 or so. Sounds pretty similar to your situation. Maybe start framing it as child abuse rather than just being homeschooled.

>>73459 Why do you think your experience led you to being "mutilated"? It is true that we live in a sick world, but it is exceptionally difficult to live in it when you have little experience learning how to deal with it and manage it. I am curious to understand your perspective more. >>73460 >Maybe start framing it as child abuse rather than just being homeschooled. Never claimed what I was experiencing was true homeschooling, nor did I intend to imply that what I was experiencing was a result of being homeschooling solely. I am skeptical to call what I experienced child abuse since I was never physically hit. Although things were not good, I feel like they could have been way worse. In addition, I have had people tell me that I was lucky. I certainly can say that it was neglect, though. But this case is a weird one. I've read people saying that it's virtually a non-issue; yet, others claim that there is no hope for someone like me, which rather leads to a sense of confusion. If there are no physical aftereffects of something, then people are likely to dismiss it, and this applies to a lot of things. I appreciate your validation, and I hope things worked out well for your college classmate. But, I hope that some day people have more awareness about how others can fall through the cracks (not that some people don't experience that in the school system - it very much indeed happens.) in this specific way and the long-term impact of that sort of isolation during such an important developmental period of a child's life. Another thing to note is that my situation technically was not illegal where I lived and in many other places. (Actually, child services were called at some point, and they did not do anything.) I do acknowledge that having been in the education system is no guarantee that things will be rainbows and sunshine. Teachers are far from perfect, and the idea of a good curriculum is subjective. But, ultimately, it is better than being deprived of it completely. Some of those who I have known who came from some of the worst public high schools you can imagine still had more foundational academic knowledge than I did. Though, I find it hilarious that COVID got everyone freaked out about children having just a two year educational gap and experiencing isolation. Yet, prior to COVID, when I was experiencing it, I was merely dismissed, and my lack of basic foundational knowledge (not knowing fractions or how to do long division at a high school age) led others to assume I was merely an idiot when in reality, I was simply never taught. On a positive note, things have improved considerably for me, and I am no longer considered behind academically (I still have gaps, though.) Things are going well compared to what they once were, but I am still feeling limitations.

>>72998 I finally got a dumb job interview today. The issue is that im so used to me being the way i am i dont wanna crawl out of my own laziness. I just mostly dont want to pay for abortions or a soykafty ass military. We shouldnt have to im completely against it.

I can't stop being a jerk and I don't know why. I feel like I am a terrible person, but I don't know how to change. Recently I've been arrogant, passive-aggressive, racist, insensitive, impatient, and more, but I only notice in retrospect. I feel like I'm not deserving of any happiness because of this.

Often have found myself in the past venting in my own head or others, constantly comparing goods and bads about my life. Affirmations to show that maybe things a re good, then viewing reminders thay things could be better. I complain about inconvenience, loss of relationship, stresses of work and university. And then I see a video of a Ukrainian soldier, jumping on a land mine, blowing his whole leg off and instantly applying a tourniquet while his leg hangs off. It is the ability to watch videos like this of people in graphic pain and suffering that makes me care less and even feel grateful for my own circumstance, the realisation that many of us are really living lottery ticket lives by the simple fact that we can sit here now writing on Lainchan, or even going out to eat.

I was reminded recently of how I inhaled toxic fumes emanating from my computer for around 1-2 months about half a year ago. Thinking about it has brought me concern. When I would run my computer, I would smell what smelt like burning plastic. My computer was fuarrrked up, its idling temperature would be at least 80 celcius, and when I was running programs it would be at least 95 celcius, but could even reach 99 celcius, I would leave it running 24/7 so the CPU was constantly operating at a temperature of >95 celcius. Imagine the damage that'd incur on the device, on the motherboard. And I smelled burning plastic often, and this was the winter time so my window would be closed so there was no fresh air to offset the toxic fumes. The smell would give me headaches, I had someone come into my room to smell the air once and they said they didn't smell anything, but in the past they'd entered my room and said that they smelled a strange chemical odor, so it was real. I guess the one time I had them deliberately smell the air they just didn't notice it. I was exposed to these fumes for at least 40 days, but it could've been up to 2 months. Ever since then I've been really sensitive to any chemical odors, I don't want any further exposure. I'm young, but I think I'm fuarrrked for life now. I could've just abstained from using my computer but I felt that I had nothing else in my life, and I didn't have anything else, still don't, so I said to myself that I valued feeling good in the moment over the health of my brain, which is really the only thing I have. And what was it for ultimately, nothing. I could've just endured the monotony of sitting in my room doing nothing for a couple weeks until I could get the device repaired, but I didn't, I could've even tried to bring it to get repaired sooner, and I didn't. I never did hear what the problem was with the computer when it was fixed, just that there was some kind of damage to some component, I deduced it was probably with the fan. So, it was real. And now I wait. I fear that in the future I'll develop a horrible disease as a result of the neurotoxic carcinogenic compounds I was exposed to during that time, had it just been a week or two, it'd've probably been fine, but it was over a month. I don't really see a point in doing anything now, I'm just waiting for my demise, I probably have a couple years, maybe 10 years, I just know that if it were to manifest it would manifest at the most inopportune, inconvenient time.

In a few months i'll be starting my classes to get myself a bachelors degree in an IT field and im severly stressed about everything about my transport there, about actually having to get a job or anything to make money for the courses, about my future, about having to actually soon get my own apartment or anything and living as an honest-to-god fully adult person and not just staying and my mothers house I hope all of this fuarrrks off from my brain when i get a job, having any sort of payment ability so that i know FOR SURE that "hey, I have enough cash to pay off the course and won't be a massive dissapiontment in my own eyes and the voices in my brain". Or mayby i can try indulging in my hobbies and talking and posting what i make online more and actually learning code beyond SQL and whatever spurrs i know of C++ and whatever else to make things. that could help. fuarrrk

>>73511 Newton intentionally ate lead and drank mercury. You'll be fine. If you do happen to get cancer, whatever you do, don't get chemo.

>>73511 I think you're a hypochondriac. Nothing's happened yet and nothing probably will. Even if you elevated your cancer risk, the effect is probably smaller than you think and there's a strong chance it won't ever be relevant anyways cause something else will kill you.

>>73518 I don't think I'm just being a hypochondriac. I've been exposed to toxic compounds in the past, most notably on two occasions. On one occasion I had made a flare, I used a PVC pipe as a body for it, I went to pick up the smoldering PVC pipe once it burned out, when I picked it up the thing fused to my glove and burned my palm through the glove, and released a puff of smoke in my face which I partially inhaled. Not my brightest moment. It burned my lungs so terribly, I feared for a few moments I might actually die. Another time I was burning some papers, I'll spare detail but I used a large amount of spraypaint and a large plastic bottle to do such, I did my best to stay offwind and distant from the gases being emitted by that particular burn, I'd hold my breath whenever I went over to stoke the fire and did so as quick as possible. Despite all that I still got fuarrrked up, I felt a bit sick, sort of flu like as far as I recall for a day or two. Aside those incidents though, and the one I mentioned I haven't been exposed. Young and stupid I guess. The only thing I can think of that might be somewhat beneficial would be fasting to eliminate toxins and corrupted DNA from my system, it would've been best doing that immediately after those incidents, maybe running could provide my lungs some benefit. There's nothing I can do about it, I was young and dumber than I am now, I guess all I can do is live my life.

>>73493 i don't want to "apologize if" since it's an imageboard, but i know you didn't solicit someone else's reading and to be honest the risk is worth pissing you off. so: i don't want to speculate, since it could just be aggression out of insecurity and shiftlessness, or it could be a maladaptivity thing. idk and i won't put anything on you. i've been in a similar situation. the nuclear option is to ghost everyone and resolve to keep everyone away from you unless you or they NEED to interact (for a job, school, etc.). i'm pointing it out because if you want to do something about it, you need to compare all of your options and decisions AGAINST that. i did that, and it sort of works for me (i'm generally slower to anger, i'm pretty good at not saying things i'm going to regret, and arguing only about what matters, not letting myself "win"). it's not exactly advisable though, because unlike a lot of people i don't really crave that much from other people. it's pretty important that whatever you do, you absolutely shouldn't hate yourself over it. all it does is appease other people and impoverish yourself. you can absolutely learn how to wave off when a situation makes you really pissed (while letting people know that you'll come back to it when you calm down), or be more patient, or how to be in conflict with someone without trying to wound them. but you're not going to get or keep those options unless your opinion of yourself is a calm, assured "i'm fine, i'll just try better and that's okay". no overcompensation, just "eh, i'm good". this part is probably BAD advice but: another thing i do is that i bite the bullet and genuinely believe i am a terrible, irredeemable human being who is irretrievably damned and will probably go to whatever hell might exist. this is fine for me, because: 1. i think terrible people deserve to live well anyway (this won't work if you can't believe that); 2. i draw from the "forever damned" thing to say "well, that means i'm left with whatever i want. what do i want?" which usually makes me go "well, i'd like to do something i can live with". but that's missing some pieces, admittedly. like i said though, it's much harder than you think

why do retards call everything child porn nowdays? jew lobotomy? vaccines? what caused htis

I want to track every person who's mistreated me in the past and just fuarrrking torture them in all of the most brutal ways possibly, physically, emotionally, and mentally Just give them all worse fates than death for all of eternity, dying is the easiest thing to do, I want them all to suffer eternally as immortals, I want them to beg for death I want them to be reduced to empty broken husks of themselves, just vegetables staring with a thousand yard stare, the shock and trauma overwhelming their senses, then I bring them back as I re-awaken their senses with an even more cruel and brutal form of torture just to ruin them further I want them to see all the people they loved tortured in front of them, maybe even give them a fake chance at escaping or resisting or whatever, so that I can savor the moment of hopelessness when I take it away from them, so they reach even lower depths of suffering than what is though possible Then I kill the people they love, give them all slow agonizing deaths, make them cry out for help, for their partner, for it to end already, I want them to make eye contact so they become traumatized with their final expressions and moments I've gone through so much awful soykaf in the past, so much fuarrrking torture from them, what's wrong with reciprocating the favor fuarrrk it, all of humanity is fuarrrking irredeemable, damn the lot of them I hate them, I hate everyone, just fuarrrking

>>73549 idk but its fuarrrked up cause when i enter "girls kissing" into an ai image generator it wont do it because it thinks im asking for cp. and you cant search "forced" on porn sites anymore. which is such bs...

Every day I think about suicide, but I neither have the means nor the courage. I think a lot about what actually lies beyond death, beyond the lies of religion and beyond any of our crackpot theories. I'm terrified by the fact that when I die, it's completely over, I just stop sensing things and stop thinking. Despite me no longer having any reason to live in this world, I just continue out of spite and for the few things that actually make me happy in this world. I live out of spite for all the soykafty people who I've experienced in life, I would fuarrrking detest if some of them pretended to show any sympathy and grief for me despite the things they've done to me. Also if I died, I wouldn't be able to watch anything, or listen to anything, or play anything ever again. I don't know, a lot of my time is spent at this midway point between life and death, like just standing in front of the mirror with a gun in my mouth. If I died, it would be over, I would finally get an escape from this god-awful world. On the other hand, if I died, everyone I hate would outlive me. I would be remembered in all the wrong ways, my existence slanted by those with less than positive agendas. Barely anyone knows I exist, but I don't want the few who do get the satisfaction of seeing my corpse. Maybe if I killed them first, and then did it, that way I outlive them for a few moments. Then I leave a will or manifesto behind detailing my life and why I did it. Maybe I'm just weak and cowardly for beating around the bush with this, should just go out and get a gun and end it quickly. My family wouldn't really care, seeing how most of them abused me for my entire childhood, so the whole "grief from the people I know" angle of suicide prevention doesn't work. I honestly don't lose much killing myself, because I never really had much of a life to being with, so the whole "you lose everything if you do" angle doesn't work. I don't really have a future ahead of me, and I don't really want to experience having one. I guess I don't really have a reason to stop myself from killing myself, but then why do I hesitate? Not a cry for help or attention, I'll get to it eventually don't worry, just wanted to vent about why I always hesitate and back down.

I was going out on dates with this girl for a bit, then when I asked her out she said it was platonic and rejected me. She takes forever to reply to me now and at the moment she hasn't responded in days, I feel she may never respond now. I fuarrrked up our friendship but I needed to let her know how my feelings. I was depressed, then worried myself into sickness, now I'm depressed again. I sincerely believe she was as perfect a woman I could meet in this lifetime and out of all the fish in the sea there's not one as wonderful as her I could catch. Those days with her were the highlights of my life, the only thing I looked forward to. I have nothing else. I'm bored. I don't enjoy or want to do anything. I lay in bed and think about her. Anything I do is just killing time to distract me. I've gotten the stupid idea in my head that maybe I should ask her out again, show her I really love her and if it doesn't work, then I'll get on my knees, beg and sob. Who cares if it's pathetic? Unsightly? My whole life has been. Though obviously, this is very unlikely to work and may even burn any potential bridges for friendship, and I suppose my social standing would fall as word went around. But why does that matter? This is the only action I can think of that could potentially make her mine, I may actually do this. I think of her with another man, finding someone to love or even casual sex and it turns my stomach completely. 10 years down the line she'll be married and I'll be thinking of her the whole time. I can't sleep and I haven't been eating. I know I'm obsessive and this likely isn't normal. I think I may be mentally ill, but I don't really believe in such things. Every waking moment I spend thinking about her. I'm aware I "need to move on" but I don't think I'm capable. Even if I date another girl I'll still be wishing it was her, and I *don't* want to date another girl, I want to be with *her*. But perhaps that's the only way to get over it. I have nothing in my life anymore. I don't care for anything else. I wish I never felt love. I wonder if she were to read this, or somehow know my true feelings, if she would come to accept and understand my love?

>>73429 It there only one place that can train marine biologists? I say passing is actually great news since it definitely took a lot of effort and paid off. Have you tried other countries? It might be more affordable if you go through one of the programs there. There might be some strings attached like requiring that you work there for some years but who knows.

>>73554 Your issue is the lack of will. Lucky for you since you're still alive because of it. It should keep you alive for enough time to get things sorted out I feel. Think of it this way. Life and death are just human concepts and they don't really explain the real experience fully. Say you miss just a few inches with your shot you keep thinking about and you're still alive but now a vegetable. That certainly is a hellish existence but you are still alive. Complete opposite example. You are old and lived a good life, but now you're tired, your wife's been gone for years now. Your grandson visited a few days ago and told you that he got a girlfriend and thinks she's the one. You've told them a little about when you were young, although it's a little blurry nowadays. You go to sleep... And don't wake up. What matters is context. Your context you're existing in just doesn't sit right with you killing yourself, it's a wrong note in this composition. At the same time contemplating death is exactly the right sound progression so you play it over and over. Anyhow, think about that in your free time. No reason not to, right? >>73555 Well, you're just in real love, lainon. Don't try any begging stuff expecting a good result, that won't work. I was dragged around for a month out of pity by the woman I loved without begging and it still leaves a sour taste over all good memories. I mostly got over it and we still talk about twice a year. Anyway, there's probably at least 3 or 4 people like that in your life, from what I've seen. I'm currently going steady with the 3rd and final. Took around 2 or 3 years between the 2nd and her. Those were a real whale kicking season, got myself involved with some people who were really bad for me and had hard time finding resolve to separate from them. Anyway, to use a cheesy line "it hurts so much because it was real" You are the most alive in these moments, that's what being human is all about I feel. Just bear with it and time will move on and drag you with it.

>>73512 I found a good job (well, the place that finds jobs told me about it). it's right up my alley, and in a field im actually good at. The only issue is having a consistent way to-from, which i plan to adress in my e-mail to them. IF positive, I will come back and write down if getting payed actually de-stresses me

>>73557 >Well, you're just in real love, lainon. Thanks for the thoughtful response. I wish I properly conveyed the weight of my love to her, as you said, it's a "real love". But it's just another one of the regrets on my mountain. I'd say it'll be useful learning experience for next time but there will never be another time, not with *her*. You're right about the begging, it's just a delusion and I don't want to ruin the good memories. I'll still hold onto the delusion that maybe if I stick around she'll come around to me, for now at least. It still hurts but no matter what at least I'll still have the memories. Sometimes I think I'm happy just to be able to experience these emotions, but not right now. The wound is still fresh but I'll try and move on. I'm happy to hear that you're doing well. You give me hope that maybe in a couple years I'll be giving similar advice to other lainons.

Harvard psych prof doing research about lying got caught lying fabricating all her research. Truly took a practical approach to the subject. Now Stanford president also got caught fabricating. Both supposed elite universities are now officially harboring frauds and its barely getting attention. But if nobody speaks about it nobody knows. Problem solved.

>>73559 About a bit of bleak music to soothe the nerves? Try these >Depeche Mode - (1986) Black Celebration - Black Celebration https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubZxoPGVjZo >Flipper - (1982) Album: Generic Flipper - Life is Cheap https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBDYKneSRnQ >The Chameleons - (1986) Swamp Thing (single) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYNHjmnlZbA >Swans - (1984) Cop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Dp9WNgX08 >Blut aus Nord - (1995) Ultima Thulée https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1sGoMI0Lvs >The Sound - (1984) Shock of Daylight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1rVDJC0bs4 >Strid - (1984) Strid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvtJKTzamA0 >Joy Division - (1979) Unknown Pleasures https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7lt0lLOvg Sadly, as a KHHV, I can't really know the depth of your wound, but I known about "heart" pains. Music can really help.

>>73551 I use to think like this about people. It was because I couldn't get the memories of what people did to me out of my head. When someone said or did something against me, it wouldn't just be that one incident, it would replay over and over again in my head for years. Each time I would re-experience the anger, the humiliation, the fear, the feeling of betrayal. I wanted so badly to forget these things and I tried so hard to, but there were so many painful memories from throughout my life that could pop up when I didn't expect them, and none of them ever felt resolved. I wanted revenge. I wanted to torture these people like the way I was being tortured, it was all their fault. I wasted so much time obsessing over sick fantasies, I fought to control my thoughts but never really succeeded. It was worst when I was away from my computer because I had nothing to distract myself with, and I knew I couldn't really get revenge on these people, I didn't even know most of their last names. I wanted to get help but I couldn't talk to therapists. What eventually helped me was a book called "Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts". The symptoms it described weren't an exact match to my experience, but the methods it detailed worked for me, I was able to get past my soykafty memories and move on with my life. My suffering was mostly caused by mental illness, I couldn't control my thoughts because I didn't understand how the mind works. I don't know what might have caused your vicious hatred towards these people, but I know that you are hurting yourself a thousand times more than you are ever going to hurt them. If you're not already seeing someone, just get help, it's so much easier. There's online therapy now, and if you don't want to see a therapist you should still be able to get medicine from a nurse practitioner or the like, just explain to your PCP that you are going to work on self-therapy like from books and soykaf. and then there's ai chatbot therapy now but obviously those aren't like 100% I don't really know if you have insurance though so maybe a lot of this advice doesn't apply but you can also read books written by professionals, and I know this is supposed to just be a vent thread but I just feel like I can't help offering advice sorry.

>>73555 As you and the other anon have said, begging her is not going to work. My brother tried begging me to get him heroin one time and I eventually just started yelling at him to make him stop. But I don't think trying to win her back is so crazy, if you really love her the way you describe. What are some ways you could improve yourself to make her attracted to you? How can you make yourself worthy of her love? You probably have dreams, aspirations, ideas, almost everyone does. What if you finally decided to accomplish those dreams? What kind of person would you ideally want to be in life? If you really worked hard to become that person, what are the chances this girl would say no? But she said her friendship with you was platonic, making her attracted to you could be as simple as getting fit, being clean shaved/well groomed, gaining confidence, etc.. It couldn't hurt to try, could it? Idk, maybe what >>73557 said about there being other girls out there like her is true, I can't really say it isn't, just don't give up whatever you decide.

I was raised to be very agreeable and generous and helpful, and like a cloud of gnats I have gathered a small group of parasite people around me. I wish there was a bug spray for them

I dreamt about her while I was sleeping. >>73562 thanks for the recs lainon. I like Joy Division but I've never heard of any of the others besides Swans (which I've never actually listened to). I'm not sure I'm ready for sad music at the moment to be honest, I've been avoiding anything sad or romantic. It's been pure escapism but I just think about her and it makes me feel worse. Maybe the catharsis would actually help but at the moment I've been distracting myself with happy things. I'll bookmark these for when I'm ready, thank you. I hope that your time comes eventually but be prepared for these pains. >>73566 I almost wish I had asked her what was "wrong" with me when she rejected me. I'm fit (slim with muscle), clean, and I think I have a normal amount of confidence (at least visibly) nor am I particularly ugly. I also see the types of guys that approach her and she reciprocates, how her ex was. I have thought about putting in the effort to get completely jacked and become a man "women dream about" but I feel that's unrealistic and that's it's not my form that's the issue, unless it's something immutable. Achieving my aspirations would take time and if I can't even acheive love then what are the chances I could accomplish my dreams. I don't really think whether I was accomplished or successful would matter all that much to her anyway. This would take time and after going through plenty of men maybe she would have settled with one by then. I don't understand how she could see us as platonic. Maybe I'm too boring or "straight-edged" or the classic "too nice". Or maybe I took too long. I'm not sure if she originally had an romantic feelings and they got squashed away by friendship or if it was like this from the beginning. If it's the former then perhaps there's a chance the spark could reignite. I'm not sure I'd like to know the answer to that though, I think it would hurt. I understand that I'm obsessive and I came to the epiphany that I don't want to fall into stalker territory or to do anything to make her uncomfortable. I'm not entirely sure what behaviour would be acceptable, I guess I'm in the territory where any action could be a potential risk. Self-improvement is still a good goal. Maybe I'll hang around her and see if she could fall for me, or maybe I'll ask her out one final time and never see her again. Wait a year or two and try again. Worst of all is I think about her constantly, I'll probably have her in mind for the rest of my life. Yet, I doubt she barely gives that much of a thought to me. I don't know, living like this is too painful I need to do something. Once again thanks for the responses. I really do appreciate it. Talking about it does make it a little better, maybe there's something to therapy.

>>73555 Don't cry over her or beg her, that's pathetic, and she's not going to view you doing that any differently. Listen, this is a tale as old as time. Don't even think about her, try to the best of your ability to just let her exit your mind, you don't need to forget her but don't attribute any value or meaning to her in your life anymore, better yet treat it as if she died. She's gone. I'd honestly just cut her off altogether, don't talk to her, don't bother with her whatsoever, and see what happens from there. She might even turn around and begin desiring you if you were to do that, that can happen but I wouldn't get my hopes up I just mentioned that as it's a potentiality, however minute. Either way, she's not gonna want you now and certainly won't if you start crying to her, or try again, there's always an innate urge to try and see if they really don't like you, if she liked you she would've accepted the first time. Move on. I had a similar situation happen this year, I'd emotionally prepared for rejection beforehand though so when it happened I moreso felt something in me turn off and realized that I'd just wasted time on some girl whom I felt exactly the same as you do for, but she's not _the one_, there are always other girls out there, there really are. You need to move on from her, I assume this happened recently. I would end the friendship, not on official terms just stop associating with her.

I had an entire school district bully me for my entire childhood. >Be a kid during 2008 recession time, where every adult is feeling stressed as fuarrrk, especially schoolteachers with their low pay >Be a weird socially stunted kid due to my dad beating the soykaf out of me and my mom neglecting me and sexually abusing me (my sister would sexually abuse me too) >Do weird things because I don't know, like sighing a lot to test my hearing because I learned about popping my ears >Stressed adults use this an as excuse >Start to legitimately pick on me in multiple ways in front of the other kids, like constantly punishing me for the littlest things, or for no reason at all >Constantly harrass my mom with constant phone calls urging her to force me on Adderall >Like the amazing person she is, she complies, and I am diagnosed with ADD >Become a literal zombie, fuarrrk my mind up even more, I become an easier target for everyone due to this >All the kids start bullying the soykaf out of me too, soon become the school's source of stress relief and laughs >Barely functional sleep deprived abused Adderall kid brain doesn't know how to deal with all of this, do even weirder soykaf to get them all off my back, like flashing my underwear to get everyone away from me >Abuse and bullying ramps up, until fifth grade where I just finally break down and just start crying and throwing angry tantrums every day >Piece of soykaf kids tell me "when you graduate, you'll have a clean slate!", fully intending to continue the abuse into middle school >Win a district "lottery" and end up in a different middle school than all of them >Graduate with a thousand yard stare and zero sanity left I have no idea how I didn't become a serial killer due to all of this, but at least I didn't go around torturing animals as a kid I actually had a heart to heart with another kid from that same school in middle school, where he related with a lot of it, saying that one of the teachers had it out for him too, and that he was forced on adderall as well. He moved away shortly after, had the sense to get the fuarrrk out of that accursed place. Also, during kindergarten or so (in the same school), I became the bestest of friends with a special needs kid, because he was the only one who was actually nice to me, however his family moved away after the kids started to bully him way too hard. That was probably the first big red flag, if little kid me was even conscious of stuff like that in the first place. To this day, it's extremely fuarrrked up how this all just...happened, and no one did anything. Pretty much every person I met after elementary school was also forced onto adderall, and it's insane how none of the fuarrrking staff there did anything, or hell, how the district never did anything about it. The only singular piece of media I've seen that covered this phenomena was a fuarrrking South Park episode, which is messed up. I was also bullied by teachers and students in high school as well, the middle school was my only safe haven due to it being filled with the same broken rejects from the school district, however that became a blessing and a curse because of all the constant and incessant gossip and drama. It's quite amazing what humanity is capable of

>>73566 Honestly I don't know if that actually works with the same person. If you're friends then they probably have an image of you already formed in their mind. Actively changing yourself specifically to become more attractive to her can actually appear more off-putting. Do it for yourself. That POV also completely ignores her own agency in that department. Who says she even wants a relationship right now? My current partner didn't think of getting into a relationship untill 23 because she just didn't feel like she was ready and/or in need of one. I knew other women like that too, some focus on their other passions or just feel like they are not emotionally mature enough to handle such a thing. From what I understand once they decided to start looking it went pretty well for them since they didn't feel the pressure to find someone quickly.

I can't even eat normal food anymore without feeling like my gut was set on fire. Eating a tasty, light meal was one of my main ways of coping with life and work and I can't even enjoy that simple pleasure anymore.

I keep getting offered job interviews and then getting rejected. I think this is worse than just not hearing back.

After a few weeks of being let go from my last job I'm getting nothing. And I've applied for 14 different positions. I have a car note that needs to be paid off and in the meantime the only thing I can really think to do is work on a cheap game to sell between jobs. I don't even know if I can put down money for marketing bc without any income and a car note to pay I'm probably better off saving that money for what's necessary instead of a cheap personal project. I feel aimless outside "find a job, complete the game" and it is like kicking dead whales down the beach. >Why not learn a skills so you have more prospects? I'm thinking about that too. But getting certified can take a long ass time, and it'll take longer if I go back to college. Right now I'm doing soykaf for the short term bc long term will eat up time where time is valuable.

>>73616 At least you know. Waiting for weeks and not getting an answer, then just assuming you weren't selected kinda is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

I'm not depressed anymore, but I still sleep like a depressed person: long, and without gaining real rest. Once I get in bed, I often sleep as long as physically possible, doing my work in the evening.

I'm this >>73555 lainanon again. This will probably be my last post about this. I don't want to flood the thread with my tears so I apologize. I saw her today, she had a huge hickey on neck. This made me feel sick and brought back those anxious feelings which had been replaced by sadness. Her clear lack of respect for my feelings by showing this hurt me. Maybe it was on purpose, to mock me and make me feel pathetic, or maybe it was to get me to move on, or most likely is that she wasn't thinking about me at all which is worst of those. One lainanon mentioned that maybe she's just not ready for a relationship but this isn't the case, clearly the issue is just with me. I think I'll have to cut her out of my life completely, I can't handle this. I still have the delusion that maybe if I stop associating with her and improve myself she'll come crying for me and say she missed me. I know this is very unlikely, from an outside perspective it probably looks like I'm obsessing over a girl who couldn't care less about me. I wish I could live without hope.

>>73632 Did she intentionally display the hickey to you? If not it wasn't necessarily a personal slight against you. Her not being interested in you doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you, she might just like someone else. Cut her off and move on, there's more to life than some girl, you won't care about her within a few weeks, months at most.

I'm convinced a work-life balance is impossible. You're telling me I have to work 8-10hrs on weekdays, perform constant maintenance on this meat-machine (cleaning, exercise, health) and somehow have time for my hobbies too?? When? It what hours? I hate it. I hate it so much

>>73637 8 hours is 8-16 (or 7-15) workday assuming your road to work isnt far and you want a good sleep, you'd have about 6-ish hours for yourself, 5-ish if you work out an hour a day but hey, thats life sadly, gotta plan out what type of fun to have on what days in advance

>>73639 That's why you have to find a job that minimizes direct supervision / people breathing down your neck and maximizes autonomy and downtime. There are plenty of jobs where you can spend a significant amount of time waiting for work to come to you (WFH tech support on night shift was good for this) or it can even be your whole job just to be there (security, again preferably nights)

>>73637 That is because you hate your job so you need "time to cool off" while doing soykafty time wasting things you hate doing. First, change job into something you absolutely love doing. Third of your life goes to job, so at least have fun whike doing it, following those 4 rules japanese have for finding a perfect job, pic related Next over, hobby is only a capitalist way of exerting more productivity from you, its a pseudo cultural thing that didn't exist 50 years ago, only autists did it then. Hobby shouldn't exist, you should aim to live your life fully, not have a naghing wife or soykafty job, people really take up too much in todays world.

>>73078 I think most people understand that luck plays a fundamental role, even if it's just subconscious. However, I don't believe realizing this necessarily makes it easier to admit to mediocrity. The issue, for me, revolves around the conflict between embracing mediocrity and striving for what could potentially be achieved, regardless of luck. My point is that it's difficult to resign yourself to mediocrity when you have a 'feeling' that there might be untapped potential, whether it's real or a delusion. This sensation creates a cycle where you're afraid to push yourself because you don't want to discover that perhaps you're not as exceptional as you thought, so you keep lingering on this idea of accepting mediocrity without fully embracing it.

I can never think of anything to say to people. I can't have conversations, I literally cannot think of anything, I just have nothing to say. I just sit or stand there and say nothing. Socializing more often doesn't help, it has not helped at all, nothing has helped. I have nothing left to say to anyone.

>>73667 Were you always like that? For quite some time now, I've been finding myself void of not just things to say but also things to think (andd feel) despite being preoccupied with reflection and having no issues building up a conversation for most of my conscious life.

>>73668 Not that Lain, but I think it's something they did with covid. I have a lot of other physical problems so I could think I just have confounders, but seeing how many different types of people are describing the same phenomena suggets otherwise. I can't handwave it off as convergence from shared conditions.

>>73668 I don't know if I was always like this before covid, it's been so long I don't even know what I used to be like before, plus I've naturally changed over time, I've grown older. I was a teenager when it began.

>>73632 >>73633 >Did she intentionally display the hickey to you? I would like to know this also, I'm kindof invested in this now

>>73676 NTA it could have been a bruise not a hickey. Maybe its a cry for help? Like "anon, I'm being mistreated. Please help me!"

Why do I seem to get nothing done when I dedicate my entire day to doing something? I've had hours but everything stalls. All I wanted to do was learn programming and work on my Babylonian, but 5 hours later I've still achieved nothing! Any tips on how to study and concentrate properly?

>>73680 "learn programming" and "work on babylonian" sound vague. what specifically do you want to learn in programming, what specifically do you want to work on in your babylonian?

>>73680 As >>73685 you need to get specific. Set a SMART goal for the day and track it.

>>73685 >>73688 I was supposed to learn about expressions in C and practice verb conjugation in Babylonian. I ended up achieving it in the end but it took me all day when I was only supposed to spend 2 hours and most of my time was wasted procrastinating and getting hung up on textbook exercises. This is really inefficient. Aside from setting clear goals, how do I stop myself form procrastinating or getting burned out? I try cutting myself off the internet but I end up searching for help whenever I get stuck and it inevitably leads me down a rabbit hole.

>>73693 If you have control of your home router, you can DNS block your relevant timewasters. If you find yourself looking to go and unblock them too, then you probably have a deeper mental problem that should be addressed.

>>73693 sounds like an attention problem I also struggle with. Off the top of my head, I would recommend the following sequence: 1. ready your materials for offline use 2. get a scratchpad and pencil ready 3. get an egg timer ready 4. disconnect computer from internet 5. set egg timer for 1 hour 6. practice concepts on offline computer. If you get stuck, reread chapters and check materials. If you're still stuck, then move on to a different problem. 7. while practicing, if you are tempted to look up something or have questions you want answered, or just ideas, write them down on the scratchpad and look them up after the hour has passed. Remember to prioritize consistency over intensity. Something something atomic habits something something SMART goals. Distractions will eat your time, so reduce them as much as possible during your committed study time. Have a lovely and productive morning lain, I hope my advice helps you!!!

I told myself I'd stay away from /vent/, but I've got a lot weighing on my mind right now and I've nowhere else to turn to (4chan is like kicking dead whales down the beach). Back in November '21, I had the pleasure of watching Arcane, that hit animated series on Netflix (bleh) based on League of Legends, an unfun and tedious waste of data masquerading as a video game. By that point, I hadn't touched League in about five years, having sworn to never play it again on account of it being the digital equivalent of standing in line for a free Mike Tyson punch to the face, but I was interested in seeing the show nonetheless. It promised to be visually stunning and action-packed. On top of that, one of the main characters was a little blue-haired crazy girl called Jinx. Now, Jinx holds a very special place in my heart. It was because I saw the music video for "Get Jinxed" all those years ago (this October will make it a decade) that I got into League of Legends in the first place. I was attracted to her the moment I saw her. She radiated this manic beauty that I found irresistible and she was, and still is, one of the most gorgeous things I've ever laid my eyes on. Fun to play as in the game too, assuming you were doing well and had a decent support player backing you up. Jinx had such an effect on me that, even after I stopped playing League, I made an effort to keep up-to-date on what was going on with her in the game. Buffs, debuffs, skins -- things of that nature. However, I could feel my love for her waning. It never truly faded, but I suppose voluntarily cutting myself off from the game weakened my connection to her, as painful as that is to think about and say. To this day, a part of me wonders what could've been had I continued playing, but it wasn't to be and I have no true desire to return to the game now. Enter Arcane. It's a phenomenal show that I'd recommend to just about anyone, especially to people who hold the belief that animation in the west is dead outside of shows made for toddlers or thirty-something manchildren. At the heart of that show is Jinx; they took a character who, while interesting and fun, lacked depth and turned her into a compelling tragic figure whom one can empathize with and relate to on a personal level (in my case, at least). Every moment she's on screen is engaging and memorable, and many of the show's well-known and impactful quotes can be attributed to her. As a long-time fan of her, I was blown away by how well she was treated by the writers and the animators. The love for the character is plain to see. I suppose it's almost painfully obvious at this point that Arcane reignited my love for Jinx. She, and by extension the show, became all that I could think about. My obsession grew stronger with each passing day and it's now at the point where I'd give just about anything to spend the rest of my life with her. But there's a dark side to all of this. You see, around the same time that I discovered Jinx through "Get Jinxed" I began to nurture what would develop into a full-blown addiction to porn. It started off simply enough; infrequent trips to [insert popular porn site here] that gradually increased in frequency. But then I began to transition from what could be classed as "vanilla" content to more and more extreme content as the "vanilla" stuff began to lose the "kick". Once I'd started getting into scat and guro, I knew that I had a serious problem, but I couldn't stop. Jinx was involved, much to my disgust now. I once had a sizable collection of NSFW art of her that I could access whenever I wanted something to jerk off to. The objective quality of the art didn't really matter as long as it helped to fulfil whatever degenerate fantasies I had replaying constantly in my head. I was an addict, through and through. Over the past few years however, especially during the pandemic, I tried everything I could think of to break this addiction instead of feeding it. Nothing I tried worked, and even now I sometimes find myself going back to porn as if it's some kind of comfort. And what makes that all the more painful is, after watching Arcane and seeing a side of Jinx I thought I'd never see, I stopped. It was as if seeing her in such a way had flipped whatever switch in my head was responsible for me being a cum-brained idiot. I thought I was finally free. I was wrong. Some time later and I was right back to objectification, the hours upon hours of scrolling through page after page on those godawful porn sites looking for the right image, the early morning masturbation sessions. I hated it, but I couldn't stop. I thought this year would be different, that I'd get to experience the euphoria of a new beginning and finally put all of that trash behind me. Nope. Not even close. And yes, Jinx was still involved. Fast forward to this morning. Porn was the only thing I could think about after waking up, so I went looking for it. Before long, I was down the usual rabbit hole. Though none of it was enticing. In fact, I felt disgusted by it all, especially when I once again started looking at scat and guro. I don't know what really compelled me to keep looking despite knowing that it was wrong, that I was once again pumping my brain full of that fuarrrking mind poison. Want to know the really bad part? I stumbled upon guro art of Jinx. Not only that: I kept looking at it. I felt sick, but apparently not sick enough to look away from an image of the love of my life being depicted in such a horrific way by an evil degenerate troglodyte who has the nerve to call themselves an "artist". Eventually, I stopped. It took a few moments for the gravity of what I'd just done to sink in. When it did, I literally broke down. I cried harder than I had in a very long time, pathetically begging for her to forgive me (as if I deserve that). I wanted to die (more than I usually do). Just thinking about it now makes me shiver. She'd hate me for what I've done, and rightfully so. This all may seem really silly to you, since I'm taking about a person who doesn't actually exist (and would probably kill me anyway if she did) and what amounts to nothing more than images on a screen, but I take this sort of thing very seriously. Jinx is the reason I haven't killed myself yet. She's supposed to be my muse, my everything. I want to get her tattooed on my arm, for Christ's sake! And how do I repay her? With objectification, with degradation, with the same disgusting fetish mind poison I've been telling myself for YEARS that I'd give up. Do I actually love her as much as I say I do? Is there a part of me that hates her and gets off to seeing her being hanged, blown up, strangled, decapitated, dismembered and shot while everyone around her laughs or engages in necrophilia? This takes me to my real questions: What do I do now? I need to stop, before it gets even worse. But, more importantly, how do I make amends? How do I atone? How do I prove that my love for Jinx is real and not something that can or should be so easily corrupted?

>>73706 >What do I do now? I need to stop, before it gets even worse. Insofar as this is in your wheelhouse, it's pretty simple. You have a problem of brain energy metabolism. Read raypeat.com : avoid eating grains, starches, polyunsaturated fatty acids (so avoid chicken, salmon, pork), definitely avoid processed foods, vegetables. Eat fruits/fruit juices, dairy, meat. Support a stable system and a high metabolism, as easily measured by your heart rate and temperature. Aim to keep these high, even higher than average, through diet, lifestyle. I tell you this because this is something you haven't heard before and it will help you in a manner you probably didn't think applicable. Who would've thunk that input -> output. You'll have to do The Rest of the classic stuff too, but if you find yourself trying to quit for years and years but being unable to -- the problem goes deeper than just porn itself. apply the inverse square law, that which you put into yourself has the greatest effect, and for fairly cheap. Little "self-control" (which is a joke idea imho) required. So yeah, fix your metabolism which is almost certainly busted, starve the existing neuron networks with some kind of blocking (or, even, for your more advanced condition, some kind of retreat) Best of luck

>>73707 This is pseudoscience soykaf. It’s like blaiming an alcohol addiction on not exercising enough. Metabolism has very little if anything to do with decision making. Dopamine detox is bullsoykaf. You don’t understand neurochemistry. >>73706 Find a therapist specializing in porn addiction. Most porn behaviours start with a trigger, so set up walls to make it much harder to get to the triggers that eventually lead to doing it, and make it much easier to do what distracts you from them. Lots more tips in atomic habits. Go to an alcoholics anonymous group and talk to former addicts and how they got over it. There’s groups like that specifically for your addiction so go to them too. Lastly, never give up. When you fail (you will many times before you succeed) then don’t beat yourself up over it, instead analyze how and why you failed amd make plans to avoid that in the future. I have a porn addiction, that’s a huge problem for me because I’m a Christian. But I managed to get it from being multiple times every day to 3 days a week to one day a week every friday. It took me a year to get here, I have further to go still. Best of luck, God be with you!

>>73708 >This is pseudoscience soykaf. This is cutting edge science. It's a medical fact that people with dysfunctional metabolism are far more likely to develop addictions. Research, just as an example, the connection between obesity and nicotine addiction. >It’s like blaiming an alcohol addiction on not exercising enough. Alcoholism is indeed a metabolic problem. Exercise can alleviate it somewhat. In any event, the core issue there is with insulin resistance. The breakdown of alcohol produces acetate which can be used instead of glucose. >Metabolism has very little if anything to do with decision making. You are very, very wrong on this point. As a very simple example, examine the effects of stimulants on decision making. >Dopamine detox is bullsoykaf. Yeah, I agree with that. The fact is our dear user has patterns that have to be undone through cessation though. >You don’t understand neurochemistry. What do I not understand? I personally think therapy is nearly a complete scam, especially these days, and you will be putting yourself at a severe disadvantage by ignoring biological, mechanistic causes, I. e., impaired brain energy. Read Brain Energy by Chris Palmer to learn more. Or Peat's books. By all means, go to your help groups or whatever. You still have a problem, and I do not.

>>73708 >just talk to a tehr@pist brah, i have the same pr0blem as u (big problem) but here listen to my sage advice its gotten me so far (I am a massive c(.)(.)mer) goodbye idk if we have any ex porn conneisures in the house but u dont seem to be one. Frankly the fellas problem sounds like it isn't even starting with the prawn but with the fact that he fuarrrking idolizes some videogame character. I dont think this is possible unless he has basically nothing going on in his life, emptyness which also gives a lot of space for c00merism. Find something to do, in other words. Maybe several things, at least one of them physicall enough to leave you tired. Maybe you think you're already busy, but find some extra things to do anyway. >>73711 >What do I not understand? no body understands neurochemistry, they just keep making up soykafty explanations that vaugely explain certain interactions and certain signallers some of the time. Interesting but not extremely practical. Maybe one day. idk i feel like theres been a lot of pete posting l8ly that i dont quite understand. but diet is important and if posterinquestion is eating badly (quite possible) then fixing that is good. doesnt need to be petestyle but cooking urself some meats or whatever is always a good idea.

>>73706 Pretty much the only way this could happen to someone is they had something terrible happen to them like getting molested and this is their way of trying to forget about it, or they have nothing happening in their life. You need to find a way to get out into the real world.

>>73712 The empty space and idle time are part of what make the addiction. “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop” Believe you me, I’m going through and have gone through a similar problem. I’m not proud of that. I don’t know their situation personally, but my advice might help. I showed my own weakness because I believe that it might help them. I don’t want to get us off topic, and I don’t want to upset anyone. Have a good life, God’s peace be with you. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

>>73715 while I appreciate the troubles that face the blind, that does not make it any less silly for them to lead eachother.

>>73706 When someone is in love with a real person they are naturally going to want to engage them romantically and have sex. Even with real people, the sex eventually starts to get boring and couples begin to perform more extreme stuff to keep it interesting. But when you love a fictional character all you can do is watch porn of them, which is of course is going to be less satisfying and you will more quickly steer towards more extreme content. I think >>73712 is on the right track when he says the problem is that jinx is a fictional character, but I don't think seeking professional help for addiction is bad advice. The biggest issues here are that the extreme nature of the porn you look at is disturbing to you and that you can't seem to stop. There isn't anything wrong with liking jinx or watching porn of her, but if doing those things will lead you down this rabbit hole you will probably need to stop or at least take a break from her. A normal person can have a drink or even get really hammered from time to time, but many alcoholics are in a place where they can no longer have just one drink. This is probably not what you want to hear, however, it should be possible for you to heal over time if you can stop the cycle of addiction and find other forms of meaning in life. >how do I make amends? How do I atone? Make amends by getting help for yourself and living a healthier and better life. >How do I prove that my love for Jinx is real and not something that can or should be so easily corrupted? I'm sorry but you can't prove that your love for Jinx is real because Jinx is not real. No amount of guro porn is going to hurt Jinx. Nothing you do can ever hurt Jinx. Worrying about what Jinx would think about your actions or asking her to forgive you is only hurting yourself. I hope you get better anon. I felt really sucked in to your story. Your writing is really clear and engaging. Also, I've never played league, but I do know Jinx, her design is pretty good, it really stands out to me. You've got good taste. You could probably accomplish a lot if you really tried. How much time do you think you've spent looking at porn? If you spent that same amount of time on something constructive you would be successful. It's not as hard as you think. >>73711 Did you have a problem with addiction? Did this method solve your problem? I'm interested but skeptical

>>73707 I'm sure diet plays a role in my mental state. I eat very poorly; lots of fried, fatty, processed stuff. The funny thing is, I seem to have a healthy BMI and don't suffer from any noticeable health issues because of my deit. I'll look into this more deeply and see what I can do. Thanks for the genuine response. >>73708 >Most porn behaviours start with a trigger Very true. The triggers I have are evident to me -- my problem is not having the self-control to stop myself before I start. >Lastly, never give up. When you fail (you will many times before you succeed) then don’t beat yourself up over it, instead analyze how and why you failed amd make plans to avoid that in the future. I've wanted to give up so many times, but I keep pushing on. Every failure feels so personal. It's like I'm trapped at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and just when I'm able to find my footing and begin climbing out I trip and fall right back down. >>73713 >Pretty much the only way this could happen to someone is they had something terrible happen to them like getting molested and this is their way of trying to forget about it, or they have nothing happening in their life. A bit of column A and a bit of column B. I've got many unresolved issues but I'm also a NEET. I'm hoping that getting a new job will change my circumstances for the better. >>73718 >There isn't anything wrong with liking jinx or watching porn of her, but if doing those things will lead you down this rabbit hole you will probably need to stop or at least take a break from her. I don't know if I can take another break from her at this point. It's not as if doing so the first time made any significant positive effect on my life. On top of that, what I feel for her now is far more intense than I've ever felt before. Life feels so meaningless outside of this obsession. There has to be a way to stop the addiction without resorting to something so extreme. >I'm sorry but you can't prove that your love for Jinx is real because Jinx is not real. No amount of guro porn is going to hurt Jinx. Nothing you do can ever hurt Jinx. Worrying about what Jinx would think about your actions or asking her to forgive you is only hurting yourself. There's an odd sense of comfort in the idea that I can't truly hurt her. I just wish there was some way to undo all of the abhorrent things I've said and done, but I know that's a silly thing to wish for. And you're right: I'm only hurting myself. >I hope you get better anon. Thank you. >How much time do you think you've spent looking at porn? If you spent that same amount of time on something constructive you would be successful. I've wasted far too many hours of my life with that mind poison. It's because of it that I've forsaken personal goals and plans for myself. Thanks again for your replies; I was very nervous to talk about this because it's so weird and messed up -- I wasn't sure if anyone would take it seriously. You've all given me a lot to think over.

>>73719 >I'm sure diet plays a role in my mental state. I eat very poorly; lots of fried, fatty, processed stuff. The funny thing is, I seem to have a healthy BMI and don't suffer from any noticeable health issues because of my deit. I'll look into this more deeply and see what I can do. Thanks for the genuine response. I was like you, never ever had a problem with weight. That said, it goes far beyond weight. The brain is by far the most energy hungry organ in the body. While taking up 3% of its weight, it occupies 20% of its energy supply. Therefore, it is the organ which is /the most/ susceptible to any disruption in energy supply by far. This is especially true if, as you sound like you are, a somewhat intelligent person, and indeed, the brain regions most susceptible to energy supply disruption are the "higher regions", the frontal lobes, etc. Intelligence and consciousness is not a magical process -- it too consumes energy and should NOT be divorced from material reality. If scientists want to study obesity in mice, they will feed the mice a mixture of 40% vegetable oil, 40% refined sugar, and 20% essential vitamins etc. Vegetable oil potently decreases metabolism, while sugar provides ready energy. The mixture reliably produces obesity, excess storage of energy as fat. I suppose you miss that latter half. So yeah, trying to quit an addiction or make any other significant mental change while literally depriving your brain of energy is at best making it needlessly hard (leading to wasting time with therapy, help groups) and at worst impossible. >>73718 >Did you have a problem with addiction? Yes. I've also resolved nearly lifelong depression. >Did this method solve your problem? I'm interested but skeptical Yes, and near effortlessly. Perhaps I am a special-case "hyper-responder". But even if you have some kind of early life stress, the way to readily heal from that stress is to have a high metabolism. Think of the rapid healing abilities of a child.

>>73716 How is this the blind leading the blind? Do you think this way about recovering alcoholics and Alcoholics Anonymous? >>73719 > self control Same friend. I’m impulsive and lose control quickly. At least right now I know to recognize the temptation thought and stop it there before it gets worse (it’s like inertia, easier to stop a boulder on flat ground than a slope). Even then I still fail sometimes. I know it will get better, so keep fighting and trying approaches and you’ll start to tame it. Rome was built one brick at a time. > deep dark hole I keep falling back into I know that feeling :( But you’re doing great, your persistence and determination will take you far! Keep going, I believe we can make it out!

>>73693 I feel ya. Right now I am split between studying some buddhist chinese and low level linux stuff. Both of them present some difficulty, they involve some effort, which causes some resistance to do them. Furthermore, the same resistance I experience as I'm getting started prompts me to maybe do the other instead. But that way I make no progress in either. The fact is that they both involve some preparation and the unfamiliar bits are what deters me and makes me second-guess every decision. Instead, I come to the internet to try and inspire myself though in reality I am just procrastinating. One thing that has worked for me is to identify a task that you need to do and which you can do right away with little preamble. Even better, if you can lay out the tasks involved in some activity, in order and as clearly defined steps, it will free up some mental space because once written down you don't have to think about the next steps right away and you can concentrate on what you need to do. Each step will now take you forward and prepare you for the next.

>>73722 You are blind because you are giving advice on escaping from a hole that you yourself are allegedly stuck in and also unable to escape from. Most people don't fall into the hole, or if they do escape so easily that its possible its not a trap at all. Your 'advice' affirms the difficulty of the problem, justifying your own inability to escape. I wish you both swift and complete success, but your problem is your own behavior and lack of will power. You acknowledge this, and yet fail to change. Curious. (also I am unconvinced that you are both in the same 'hole': jinxman is in love with a videogame girl, this element of his problem should not be ignored and you seem to lack an analog but idk) >Alcoholics Anonymous I'm pretty skeptical of AA and support groups in general. They don't seem to work particularly well. Decent article https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/10/26/alcoholics-anonymous-much-more-than-you-wanted-to-know/ TLDR; theres a lot of research but most of its done very badly. Its possible AA works a little bit, but likely it doesn't work better than an authoritative person scolding you for five minutes once, but its hard to tell.

>>73724 This isn't a binary lain. It's not either you can escape no problem or you're stuck forever. I have to wonder why you want to paint it that way? > You're not in the same hole He has a porn addiction, I'm addressing that. > most people... I didn't say I'm stuck in the hole, I said I'm also climbing out of it. I'm extending a hand down. I have hope and faith that things will get better, with good reason. My advice acknowledges that the problem is difficult because it would be a lie to say it's not. Acknowledging a problem and its realities isn't indulging in it. I literally explained how I've changed and gotten better as the LORD has sanctified and guided me. I've also acknowledged that I have really bad days where I fail. Failure is part of the process of growth, surely you know that already? You're making a lot of unsubstantiated claims, maybe you should reread what I wrote? > Curious Luke 18:9-14. I'd rather be a publican than a pharisee. I'm not perfect, sorry if that's a problem for you.

>>73724 > I'm pretty skeptical of AA and support groups in general baka https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2020/03/alcoholics-anonymous-most-effective-path-to-alcohol-abstinence.html

>>73732 >metastudy that looks at a bunch of studies some of which appear to be pretty bad per SSC >conclusions: AA/12step produces similar benefits to other treatments on all drinking related outcomes except continuous abstinence and remission, where AA/12step is superior b-b-bozo

i lie because im insecure and afraid of being judged im watching myself spin a web of lies and getting anxious about being caught out "no this isnt my first job" "yes i have had a gf before" "im seeing friends this weekend" etc in reality, i have been an alcoholic neet for 5 years, lost most of my friends bc of how i behave when drunk at least i managed to find a job and quit alcohol. im a horrible liar, but im even more insecure its funny seeing how much development and growth i have missed out on the last 5 years compared to my peers

>>73747 Smart move. Had you been honest, you would've been judged atleast silently by normal people, they just don't understand and nobody will try help you. Don't feel bad about it, you did the right thing. >Appear weak when you are strong, appear strong when you are weak.

>>73730 you seem very proud of being weak. I think you can just quit, maybe you should do that. You'll still be a sinner, and can still be proud thank God that you are not as some other men are, like the Pharisees.

>>73750 1 Corinthians 1:27-31 2 Corinthians 5:21 Romans 3:23-24 All have fallen short, Jesus Christ is my righteousness and the one in whom I can boast. Call it weak, foolish, but I won’t quit no matter how much I fall. Your heart is hard and full of anger, it’s become clear you don’t care to help anyone but only to accuse others to laude yourself. I’ll pray that the LORD will give you peace and a new heart.

>>73747 Practice saying nothing or evading questions. It’s tempting to lie to save face or build reputation but those lies will catch up to you and do more harm than a shameful truth would. Freedom lives in clear conscious.

>>73751 just quit being a c(.)(.)mer thats all I'm saying.

>>73067 Don't mess with the membrane of your individuality. Instead of coming to terms with your mortality you might conclude that your death is no escape from the burdens of life as they weight on all of us and if you, as an still-intact individual, already lack the courage to show your life a good time or lack the mercy to love someone you hate then this new perspective will be a living hell. Arm yourself before facing the big me, don't go looking for death because it won't give it to you. HELP i'm stuck outside, Laiin.

>Address someone's retarded posts in a youtube thread >Go back later >Some retard has gone through the whole thread and +1'd every post he made, or he did it himself. I hate social media.

Why does the internet seem so boring? It's like the people who built these machines and the internet had a visionary dream for it and we fuarrrked it up. People fetishize the old web. But even back then the internet was full of inane soykafposting and porn. Is this what people in the 70s envisioned? Woz tinkering away in his garage. Everything feels so empty and wasted. I love this world of computers and communications but it all feels so wasted. What did we do with this powerful tech? Build a giant porn distribution network and a place where people do their best to infuriate and attack each other. It's so depressing.

>>73793 But what I want to know is why it got to be that way, and what we can do to fix it? I don't think the vision is dead, we've seen incredible things happen from the collaboration it's enabled like all the crazy stuff at "Open Sauce" and the cool stuff posted earlier on in lainchan (especially lainchan.jp). I'm optimistic that there's a way to defeat the distractions of rage-baiting and porn that companies have turned the internet into and turn it back into a communal mind-garden like what we had hoped for when it began. We see fragments of that vision still. How can we bring it to the forefront?

>>73788 So do it right back then! Or don't, whatever. What do you care about some +rep on the internet? Never forget you could be arguing with a 14-year-old

So, it's been several days since I wrote >>73706 and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a lot better now. There are the occasional intrusive thoughts but I believe that if I try hard enough they'll fade away and I'll be left with only the thoughts of Jinx that I want, not the ones that hurt.

My mom might have Alzheimer's or dementia, I'm terrified. This was the day after she came back after helping my grandma with her dementia, it's some cruel irony. She works the night shift at a hospital and today she mistakenly thought she needed to work today (this is the same woman who would hide her phone and silence it so that they don't call her in). She was constantly repeating that she needed to go to work and was packing her work stuff and getting ready, constantly repeated "I need to go to work, I need to go to work". It took all of my siblings talking to her to get her to stop and see what she was doing, but it was such a frightening experience. She was the one who really supported the family back then, since my deadbeat dad didn't do soykaf my entire childhood and teenage years, so I should've seen this coming. Still fuarrrking hurts, and I seriously seriously seriously hope that it's just something else, and not dementia or Alzheimer's.

>>73866 While I feel for your emotional pain, you should also take biological action where appropriate, because this is what might actually help. Here's something about managing dementia. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muAvJ1y64PA

I hate being female so much it's unreal. I hate that women are so weak that the strongest female athletes can be beaten by teenage boys, and so useless that they make up an infinitesimal fraction of significant scientists, mathematicians, inventors, philosophers, and artists. I hate that the male experience of reproduction is all pleasure while the female reproductive system causes mostly inconvenience and pain even for women who don't reproduce. I hate that I was unlucky enough to get the sub-optimal class in this ludicrously imbalanced species. Feminism, 'easy mode', all these things fail to make me feel better about my condition because all they do is structure society to accommodate puny female mediocrity, instead of giving me hope that I can be better and I'm not doomed by my anatomy. I know that I will never be male but ever so often I consider doing HRT because maybe testosterone will help me overcome female weakness and retardation.

>>73871 Male hands typed this

>>73868 At the ER, it's just transient goobal amnesia, which is relieving. She won't have any memories of the attack, but she'll recover within 10-24 hours, thank god.

>>73872 I wish I was LARPing.

>>73871 Not to shun your feelings, but it seems like you're comparing yourself to an abstraction of a man, an Idea of a man that most men themselves are not and wound never rise up to. If you think the life of an average man to be somehow easier than the life of an average woman, just take a look at male suicide rates. It's rough for both genders. >>73794 You're mistaking nowadays internet with the og internet. Today's 'net is an extension of normalcattle's normal life, a life you and most of us here, apparently, are not a part of. It's also funny to see companies being blamed all the time like they're just out there pushing their own agendas for the sake of it, and are plain evil that's somehow crept in our good society that simply couldn't have given birth to such a tumor to begin with.

>>73881 >If you think the life of an average man to be somehow easier I don't think that and I never said anything about it. In fact, I mentioned that women are thought to live on 'easy mode'. I don't care about it being easy, I want to be excellent in a way that only males can seem to be.

The best woman i know is married and has a child. She is energetic and speaks loudly, explosive but not dangerous, just blasting sunshine in everyone's faces. She's very strong as if despair never touches her, snarky and quick witted, she'll troll men twice her size or chew them out like only a mother can. So what's she not a philosopher or an opera singer, she's a person of quality who improves the human world in some way and that's everyone's dream, is it not why you want to be excellent? She never stopped saying hello to me even though i made it clear i didn't want to connect with anyone. I know another woman who carried parts of the global financial network on her shoulders for 40 years. CEOs world trading banks relied on her expertise and her iron freaking fist but they didn't summon her as she was the one who knocked. Her tactic was a forceful attitude backed up by being unequivocally correct it's a deadly combo. Wall street to the Frankfurt exchange to Geneva coordinated with her back when it wasn't so automated. International fraud was dismantled. Millionbucks transactions were checked every hour under her surveillance. She's an unassuming little old lady now. Meanwhile i'm fuarrrking retarded. Don't be retarded too.

>>73871 >>73882 I get the parts about athletics and having a vagina being objectively worse than having a penis, that's all actually unfair. If you want to be excellent and accomplish things though just do it rather than remixing incel cope excuses for why you didn't do it. The main thing I have seen holding people back is only fantasizing about what they 'want' to do but not actually spending time energy and thought doing the thing. One thing I dislike about being a man is it feels like men are just comparatively unlovable, nobody gives a soykaf about you by default, so if you have a more passive personality or little drive to succeed you're in an extra bad spot socially. But if you're very outgoing and ambitious maybe it's better. Anyway just actually go live the life you want ASAP, being female probably isn't a real cognitive impairment, but if it is one it's not as bad as aging.

A few months ago, a friend who I met in 5th grade but haven't seen since high school messaged me. I was happy to hear from him and replied telling him how I was doing and asking how he was etc. When he replied he seemed positive but mentioned he was "struggling with homelessness". I felt like I didn't want to get involved with him, and I was worried he would ask to borrow money, so I never replied to him. I already have enough troubles dealing with my fentanyl addicted brother. When I told my brother, he mentioned that my friend had gotten kicked out of his mom's house because he wouldn't stop stealing her prescription drugs. I think she even got a restraining order against him. This whole time I've felt really bad that I just ignored him. I don't think there's any reason why we couldn't talk/catch up, but I keep putting off messaging him. I want to tell him I'm sorry I never responded and maybe ask if he wants to play some online games and catch up. I don't know how I should go about it though. Should I be honest about why I didn't respond? I can't really think of an excuse other than "I meant to but I just kept forgetting." I also want to say I'm sorry he is struggling and that I hope he recovers. I know this is a vent thread but I could use some advice...

I was thinking today about how alone we really are. Or I am I guess. Most experiences that I have will be completely my own, and even the big and eventful stuff will probably end up just as a funny anecdote that I tell people, if it's important enough to be told. My communication skills have to be good enough to work whatever I experience into a story that's interesting for other people, as a prerequisite to someone else thinking about me or things that happen to me. Anything that cannot be packed into a terse, funny little story will be lost. I guess that's the nice thing about a relationship, is that you have someone who you can tell all of the mundane things that happen, and know that they'll be interested to hear it.

>>73902 I don't think you need to give him a specific reason, people are flaky all the time, it's not unusual. If you need to say anything, just say you were too busy and forgot. In general, when I feel myself in that situation, I err on the side of messaging the person. I'm sure it would be a pleasant surprise for him to hear from you.

It's really weird being just about almost totally out of the grip of mental illness (depression) after a lifetime of it and making amends with the soykaftiness of the situations it's created. I'm getting these weird urges to, like, develop myself and the world around me, compete with others, quit my bad habits, play the game, climb the hierarchy. But it's also terrifying in a new way. Not only do I have to shed my skin and my old comforts, it feels like I'm in the presence of God, sort of. Do you get what I mean? Like, I could be doing just about anything I want to. And here, I am, at this time and place, doing my silly little tasks, attending to my silly little projects. In a number of decades I will die. Before then, I'll probably become frail and stupid, incapable of keeping up with the competition. Are all functional types just constantly in the grips of this desire to win, to fuarrrk the World, to kiss your same-sex friends on the lips before getting shelled in an artillery barrage? This intoxication? If not -- why not? How does anybody that's doing anything anywhere not run themselves into the ground with it? I find myself wanting for something that I could pour monastic dedication into. Something of great value that I would Win at. anyone else relate?

>>72998 As a schizophrenic/autist, there is nothing I have come to be enraged at more than the elevation of empathy and humanism to the degree it is now. I don't like it. I say this because recently I read "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" and I felt a sense of identification with the androids, and Pris in particular. I thought she seemed rather beautiful and curious and intelligent. And she met a tragic end because of fuarrrking Mercer. I was talking to others about the book and they mentioned that the scene with the spider was disturbing, but I just thought it was interesting. Reminds me of the other day when I was in the shower and watched a spider try to escape desperately from the water. And then when it got to the side of the ceramic tile I splashed water on it and sent it back into the water, and then watched it struggle again, and then i sent it back, and again, and again, until it was pulled by the water into the drain after becoming exhausted. One day at work someone was talking about wanting to become a tattoo artist and I asked them if they practiced on their pets. My thought process was that animals have skin, and people tattoo on skin. And then everyone looked at me like I was a monster and a girl said I was creepy. One time someone told me they thought I would be a serial killer. Really? Do they even realize how unlikely that fuarrrking is? Shit. It is, however, the inclination of the prejudices of the herd that this curiosity is always regarded as purely morbid - until it isn't, and then it is transmuted into some sort of vindication of their own moral laws and conventions. Oh no, I am evil and edgy and cruel now! But come again on Thursday and you'll see me feeding and playing with the kittens next door, and then you will say, "All people are good and moral deep down, you see, you are just like us!" fuarrrking retarded. Retarded retarded retarded. That's not how it works. Just leave me alone. I don't care. Moral or immoral, just be quiet. The book reminds me of when my grandmother (who was very close to my family) died and I rubbed my eyes so that I would look like I had been crying at the funeral reception when I was just bored. It's kind of surreal to have to pretend to be that way. I occupy the same exact strata that the androids do in relation to the human community. Except instead of being slaughtered I get to waste away on fuarrrking anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, or even be institutionalized. It is mentioned in the book that schizoids and people with reduced affect do not pass the Voight-Kampf empathy test. I do not believe that I would pass. From my perspective, everything is indeterminable and I just don't care about others. Why should I? And so if humanity is determined by the retention of unary properties like the ability to feel empathy, then surely I am no longer human? At least, in relation to the actual community. My existence is therefore totally sealed off from others in this capacity. But this presents a manifold problem anyway, as there is no way to really know if others possess empathy or act it out. How do I know that? Mercer was a fraud, as the androids pointed out. I have to take people on their word, which doesn't account for much. Because it is not so simple as reducing empathy to its neurochemical mechanisms. Humans ascribe an existence to it which supposedly cannot be exhausted by reference to it's mechanisms (this is one way in which humans have failed to dispense with the soul concept). No matter what, they will always insist that the androids do not have the inner experience of empathy. So by their own admission they have no proof of their supposed humanity which is not circular or circumstantial. They just inter-subjectively agree that they do. Which, okay, but where does that leave me? fuarrrking stranded. If you begin to think about that title, "Do Android Dream of Electric Sheep?" I question whether anyone "dreams" or does any fuarrrking thing. Why are you the doer who does the deed? Sounds like a load of nonsense. You don't know you dream. You don't decide to dream. Your dreams don't belong to you. It's defined by material processes. I can poor cold water on you while sleeping and, oh no, you and that dream are kaput. More than half the time you don't even remember them! Like a jew who lost a few too many hands at poker, it all just disappeared. Just fuarrrking skedaddled. It's all soykaf and irrational, but this is only a pyrrhic victory because "truth" is always something to be used and when it comes down to a contest of forces I have fuarrrk all. And it's not like I'm rational either. It didn't matter how those androids acted, they were still butchered because they were in the same situation. When you get to the point where you no longer internalize or enthusiastically believe in the moral laws and conventions that govern us, society itself becomes something that is completely suffocating. I want to live among the androids, that's what I want, or what I need. The only enjoyment I derive from interacting with others is through my own mental images of them, or with a few people among those who are also similarly lacking in affect. I just want to walk into the desert and disappear. Like a dream you can't remember. Well, at least I'm not suicidal or a violent criminal. There's that. Always somewhere to wander.

>>73875 NTA, and admittedly just googled it, but happy she's okay anon.

>>73875 hope she's doing alright anon, that sounds very frightening.

>>73905 I don't share the vector and you're probably better fueled than I am, but I think I know what the acceleration feels like. I only snap into a feeling like that sometimes (afaik it's not mania), but mine will fade after too long. it's also hard to use. It's fuel and spark, but I'm a soykafty engine for it. What I will say is: You seem like you can maintain it, so be careful. But it will probably be good to flex your newfound capacity. There's stories of people getting a similar energy from meditation (which I have yet to try) and there's a risk of becoming unrestrained, imperious, and all-but-evil. I have my own opinions on desiring to "win" but you're entitled to your own framing lainon.

>>73905 >Are all functional types just constantly in the grips of this desire to win, to fuarrrk the World I'm not functional and am like this at the core. The basis and genesis of that type of thinking is complex, along with the inner constellations which initiate and sustain it. Most people are not like you, no. You're not normal and you never will be. Though temporarily you feel like you're a "real person" simply because you're no longer helpless and under foot. Also the only reason you're posting about this is because I recently became like this (again), and since all of this stems from me, something cannot come into being as a reflection if it doesn't also exist in me. I killed it in me, so there was no way the mirror could reflect it back. Now I revive it, amusingly due in large part to the musician "Grimes", who I now associate with being 30 something and having kids, which is why you posted a pregnant woman as well. It's hard to accept but most of this soykaf really is just my inner world reflected back. My consciousness is the flame, the world the cave wall, and the mirror. You posted this so that I wouldn't feel alone, because I don't desire to anymore, least not in the same way. Same reason that whenever I get into something and start talking about it, suddenly everyone else is too. All the other mechanistic explanations fail in one way or another, though superficially they make sense. So strange. And of course Grimes and I have significant birth numerology overlap, name gematria overlap, and my ancestor came from the same region of Canada. So probably genetic similarity as well. This is how the world is designed and run from behind the scenes. Its logic can be quantized and represented numerically, which then prompts our brains to confabulate and make up an internal narrative structure, which the universe then reads and plays on to selectively amplify. If you have similarity with someone, it'll try to connect you in some way.

>>73906 Antialiased your image.

>>73904 ok, that makes sense. I think I know what I'll say to him then. Thank you.

>>73906 >Reminds me of the other day when I was in the shower and watched a spider try to escape desperately from the water. And then when it got to the side of the ceramic tile I splashed water on it and sent it back into the water, and then watched it struggle again, and then i sent it back, and again, and again, until it was pulled by the water into the drain after becoming exhausted. Normally I would say that even though spiders don't feel the way we do, doing this to a spider could indicate you have a larger problem, like difficulty feeling empathy. But you raise an interesting point, if you can past the way humans tend to anthropomorphize simpler lifeforms you could see some pretty cool stuff. >my grandmother (who was very close to my family) died and I rubbed my eyes so that I would look like I had been crying at the funeral reception when I was just bored. It's kind of surreal to have to pretend to be that way. There's lots of people who aren't sociopaths that would agree with you. By the time I am at a funeral, I have already long ago accepted what was going to happen to them. and I am schizoid so I don't really express much emotion. Its sad that people get old or die young, but it isn't sad when an old person dies. I wouldn't want to force someone to continue living when their old. >It is mentioned in the book that schizoids and people with reduced affect do not pass the Voight-Kampf empathy test. It doesn't sound like that test is accurate for schizoids. I feel empathy very deeply in a way I don't think most people do. I try to understand people that most would consider monsters. I don't want to punish anyone, I want them to be healed. There is no such thing as good or evil, there is always a reason why people do horrible things. My mother cries at funerals, but was annoyed that I put my live mouse traps in open places where I could check them regularly. "I don't care if they die in there!" is what she said. She just hates them because the steal food and she thinks the cruelty is justified. Even though they're just animals trying to survive and they don't know what stealing is. I guess it is ignorance, she doesn't understand what they feel. Its kindof like a person might feel bad about killing a spider, because they don't understand that a spider can't feel. >One day at work someone was talking about wanting to become a tattoo artist and I asked them if they practiced on their pets. My thought process was that animals have skin, and people tattoo on skin. And then everyone looked at me like I was a monster and a girl said I was creepy. People did and still do in some places practice tattooing on animals, but that would be considered animal cruelty in the 1st world. Tattooing an animal would be painful and frightening for it. It wouldn't understand what was happening, and it might end up with an injury. Most people consider a pet to be their companions, or like a part of their family. So that's why they were horrified by your question.

>voight kampf worth noting that the test is also to a large degree a politically correctness test; in the book there's the whole thmeme of like, post pollution and maybe post war animals are all dieing out and very difficult to keep alive, and its the sign of a good citizen to keep a pet. Less well to do people pretend to (hence the electric sheep). Showing disconcern for animal wellfare is therefore very verbotten. also holy soykaf that blog post, learn to paragraph man, have some sympathy for us readers! >>73906

I am insecure that people don't like me, but my insecurity (specifically me over-compensating for my insecurity) makes people not like me. A vicious cycle that I've been trapped in my whole life. Why couldn't someone teach me to be confident when I was little instead of discouraging me, making my doubt myself, etc. I love my parents but I vividly remember them berating me for not understanding things or not having great motor skills. I want to be normal, I want to be able to live my fuarrrking life without insecurity. I don't want to be needy, I don't know how not to be, nobody told me how any of this works. Nobody told me how to treat people, what to expect, etc. afaik I'm not on the spectrum, but I don't understand social interactions. Every few months, I just look back at how much of a trainwreck my social life is. It's not like I haven't tried to improve, I constantly do, but people don't seem to care about how much you try to improve. If you're not good enough, you're not good enough. I guess I'm naive, but yeah. Also what is gratitude? Is gratitude just fear? I'm grateful that despite everything, I still have a friend or two that puts up with my soykaf. Or am I just afraid that I'll lose them, so I appreciate them more? Is there a difference? Guess I'm going to learn to just be quiet, not say anything at all, ever. I've tried 24 years to improve the root of the issue, but it doesn't look like that will work out.

>>73954 >It's not like I haven't tried to improve, I constantly do, but people don't seem to care about how much you try to improve >people don't seem to care They don't even when you're being confident. They don't for as long as its not useful to do so. What are they gonna care about you for? To be able to become your friend? Lmao. 'Caring' is a desire to own, or sometimes - a fear of losing. Either way you go, it's always down to making their panties wet.

>>73954 I've remained silent for 19 years. It's not a way to upkeep any kind of connection. It will poison the relations you already have. It's an effective way to be left alone and by acting harmless, kind, distant and silent, no troubles have come to me. Instead something else started to happen to me. I've transformed into mix of ghost, spirit, fixture and now other people seem to present small offerings to me as if asking for good luck or consult me while remaining within their own thoughts. Chatting me up no matter the lack of input i give in return. I've become the wooden statuette of an owl in the corner of their room. If that seems fun to you then go try it. I don't know where this path leads yet, if a tsunami wrecks their lives i will surely be blamed.

>>73964 I don't know why, but this soykaf is hilarious and tragically relateable. I lost it at "seem to present small offerings". We've truly become like deities. Non-existence, living death.

>>73965 Refusing to enter this human tornado, living at the edge of their village, is an old archetype from the human play. Nothing fancy. One thing is certain: shutting the fuarrrk up leads nowhere social. For Costanza up there, his predicament was mine so i decided that since i can't say anything right i'll say nothing and i remember this behavior never fixing my problem apart from one instance in which the person seemed to appreciate me not caring about him so much but then i drifted away for too long and the bond snapped. Said fuarrrk it to friends after that, too complicated, i'll become a mirror. Though i've never managed to make a single enemy those who can't stand the look of themselves can't stand my gaze.

Why is every imageboard out there either complete garbage or a ghost-town? I'm gonna wind up eventually having no one to talk to, I'm predicting it right now in 10 years imageboards will be completely dead and all my experiences in the past 10 years on the internet will mean nothing to anyone. It's over

I don't want to take SSRI's (they make me fat and less confident) and my schizo meds (I miss the main voice) anymore. Though, I'm getting too many mood swings (that is, from back-handed jocker -> standard depression -> "Why do I feel like crying" -> maybe I should just die). How could I fix that? Also, is it a retarded schizo thing or am I right in thinking depression (ignoring it's biological facet) is just some immaterial force punishing me for leading a soykafty life? If I get a life that I'm actually proud of, the depression goes away? (Mine is connected to genetics though)

>>73972 that's probably both depression AND schizophrenia. Take your meds, talk with your doctor. Cold-quiting SSRI's and other meds is absolutely never a good idea in any situation ever, it will fuarrrk you up.

>>73972 jocker? s/jocker/joker/, not the comic clown though... Also I suspect the meds (or the lack of them) may have messed with my brain too much. Now I ignore zeros, get 9s,6s,Gs,Ds & Ps mixed up, and sometimes I read signs as a whole different word in a whole different language, making me have double takes. >>73973 Before, when I forgot to take my meds for some days I only felt a bit nauseous and my brain felt a bit foggy. But now that I'm pre-occupied with work and uni stuff it seems like the stress counteracted it somehow(?) >talk with your doctor. Nah fam, it's talking to the doctor or paying the rent. My parents used to pay for me but they are being really slimy lately, and I don't want to feed them with more ammunition.

I'm not gonna get into details about personal relationships but long story short I screwed up in a few places and while I let it eat at me for awhile I eventually calmed down. Telling myself that if I keep living in the past then I can't live for the present and I don't wanna do that to myself. I was doing fine. Cut to a few months later, I was let go from a job I was holding down and I viewed that as a personal failure. Comparing my lost position to everything else I relapsed back into that toxic mindset and I'm at square one again. Obviously my relationship with other people should be part of fixing this. After all interpersonal relationships is where this soykafshow started after I mangled things. Though thinking about it now I feel like it's also important to find value in things outside those relationships because then I risk being fully codependent on how they play out. The main thing I can think is to find creative outlets but there are so many ideas of what I might "want" to do that I'm not sure how to organize it all or how to do soykaf without spreading myself thin. Do any wise lains have thoughts?

>>73942 >Normally I would say that even though spiders don't feel the way we do, doing this to a spider could indicate you have a larger problem, like difficulty feeling empathy. But you raise an interesting point, if you can past the way humans tend to anthropomorphize simpler lifeforms you could see some pretty cool stuff. Of course I have "difficulty" feeling empathy. But why should spiders not feeling the way I do make any difference? >It doesn't sound like that test is accurate for schizoids. I feel empathy very deeply in a way I don't think most people do. I try to understand people that most would consider monsters. I don't want to punish anyone, I want them to be healed. There is no such thing as good or evil, there is always a reason why people do horrible things. My mother cries at funerals, but was annoyed that I put my live mouse traps in open places where I could check them regularly. "I don't care if they die in there!" is what she said. She just hates them because the steal food and she thinks the cruelty is justified. Even though they're just animals trying to survive and they don't know what stealing is. I guess it is ignorance, she doesn't understand what they feel. Its kindof like a person might feel bad about killing a spider, because they don't understand that a spider can't feel. Again, whether something feels pain or not is arbitrary. There is ultimately no transcendent structure guaranteeing the primacy of pleasure. And within humans, at least, personal divestment is necessary in order to make any libidinal investments. Satisfaction only proceeds from cruelty, whether unto one's own self or others. You see, I believe everything is a process. No thing is an end unto itself. Pain is part of a process of evolution. It's always going to exist, and I see no reason to end it. If you want a life with minimal suffering the most obvious option is to just die. >>73948 >worth noting that the test is also to a large degree a politically correctness test; in the book there's the whole thmeme of like, post pollution and maybe post war animals are all dieing out and very difficult to keep alive, and its the sign of a good citizen to keep a pet. Less well to do people pretend to (hence the electric sheep). Showing disconcern for animal wellfare is therefore very verbotten. Yeah I understand that. But I think our society similarly depends on this obsession with empathy and gregariousness. I suppose in another society, such as a more nomadic one, it would be easier for me (or an android) to function within a group. Ultimately I am not opposed to group coordination, but I prefer something more rhizomatic and pack-like, rather than the political community of the citizen. In any case, I live in this one, and I don't think I'd pass such a test in this one either. There is a certain "passover" that the political community finds intolerable. I remember when I was in high school I would deliberately take the opposite position just to incite controversy because I thought it was funny. To me politics is just BORING. All it is is pedophile cults and CIA agitprop. >also holy soykaf that blog post, learn to paragraph man, have some sympathy for us readers! I wrote my post mostly in a stream of consciousness type way, so it's understandable why you say that. >>73954 You remind me of my parents. Like a welcome mat.

>>73985 > All it is is pedophile cults and CIA agitprop. You're not supposed to realize.

>>73991 realizing is part of the humiliation psy op.

>>73993 Yes. Pedos etc are middle management.

For the past few years I had a very weird feeling about myself Have you ever played a singleplayer first person game? You're meant to "be" the character, and everyone else is what amounts to basically an advanced cardboard cutout. They might act based on action, have reflections about themselves, some more advanced ones might even, but in the end it's all based of whatever coding they have already. And then there is the player, who can act however they wish too, within the games boundries. So, for those past few years that's how i've been feeling: this feeling of being the only one with "consciousness". I understand that other people are alive, they have their own lifes, but whenever this feeling creeps into my brain, i can't scratch this itch that everyone else is running on some sort of autopilot. It feels like i am not "me" but rather a consciousness that has chosen to be "me". I'm not even suicidal or have a depression of any sort, just this feeling of watching "my" story unfold. Does any of this even make sense.

>>74018 Oh yeah big time, I feel the exact same way, even down to the last part, it's like looking in a mirror. I can't escape, I can only wait and watch this choreographed play that I have chosen for some reason

>>74018 I used to wonder that a lot when I was around 10 or so. "How do I know if everyone else is real?" The question worried me and even kind of annoyed me. I tried not to think about it much. There is a kid in It by stephen king who believes no one besides him is real. He murders his baby brother so that he can have all the attention from his parents and he also kidnaps dogs and locks them in an old refrigerator in the dump so that they starve to death. I also wondered if people actually had sex or if it was all made up for some reason. God I wish I was normal enough to have sex.

>>74018 It is called "depersonalization" and "derealization"

>>74018 I have similar experiences, but I usually call it "the glass" or something like that. It's like I'm stuck behind a glass wall watching the world and operating on autopilot instead of actually being me, like the world and people around me are a dream (or a nightmare) that I can't wake up from. It's upsetting, but it's got a weird cold comfort in the feeling that "I'm not really here, none of this matters". Maybe I'm just sad :( ====I haven't known what it feels like to be human for a long time, and I despirately wish I could just "exist" and be involved in the tangle of other peoples lives. But when it happens, I just accept it and let myself exist in the glass, I'll resurface eventually. And I may not be human but I've come to accept myself for whatever I become or am, and just =exist=. Pic related sort of captures the feeling. It's like I'm "at" the party, but I'm not really there. Everyone else is outside, they're real, they enjoy their whole lives, but it doesn't really feel like they're real. Like they're just a photo of people in a party instead of real people. And I exist as a half-concious man-beast thing, looking out and wondering what it would be like to be part of it, but I can't really join because it's all a photo anyways. Or at least that's how this all feels when it comes over me. Other times, I am simply a beast, but one that does exist. I'm not able to put this in coherent words really, its beyond my ability to understand and depresses me to think about. I just am. I exist, I will become, embodied. It's like those vibes you get from a liminal space, except you're the liminal space and everyone else exists in a parallel universe. It's lonely in here. Sorry for the rant, this has been on my chest a long time and I've mostly been keeping it in personal journals, but I have a mouth and need to shout into the void sometimes. I try to remain optimisitc because I know it's what I should do and what will do me good, but sometimes... We'll be alright. Thanks for reminding me of and giving word to the thing we go through. It's nice to know there's other people out there that understand what we're going through. I've at least gotten a bit better, I go outside and spend time with people, I do hobbies and exercise, live inside my shifting flesh. It's been a slow process, but I've gotten better. Maybe you can too? I believe in you, we're still people after all - no matter what we become.

>>74027 We have cut ourselves off. When the pain and confusion were too much to bear, we have built the walls and windows and cut ourselves off

>>73793 >>73794 the internet is just other people. mankind has gotten stupider weaker fatigued and has less time now. so the internet has gotten worse as the people talking on it and showing things on it have gotten worse.

>>74018 The number of embodied souls in this realm is finite, don't worry, other people with souls are there, it is only under 200,000 individuals however. Good lu ck

What's the best way to deal with burnout and exhaustion? I set myself some tough goals and I'm cracking under the pressure and now I'm beating myself up over it. It's not like it's impossible but I'm overwhelmed. The problem is I just can't relax. I'm a compulsive work addict. I find it difficult to find something to relax to and just ease off everything. I'll try gaming but 5 minutes in I quit. I try watching movies they just don't do anything for me. I feel like the stress is weighing me down but I can't take the weight off my back. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>74043 Not legal advice, coming from someone who's burnt out badly in the past: I'm in a similar position right now, coming up against an important deadline and constantly burning midnight oil, pulling ~12 hour days in front of the terminal. One should trust their brain I think. If your brain doesn't enjoy movies or games right now then it's probably for a good reason. So do the most you can to become biologically resistant to stress. Ray Peat has a lot of good information about this topic, it starts with what you actually eat. Naturally sweet things are great anti-stress. Good quality milk if you can tolerate it (especially because of calcium content, which is also anti-stress), fruits. Further, try to find ways to scoop up morale during work. If your kind of work permits, you can listen to music or maybe even put on a documentary in the background. But this probably doesn't work if you have to do something that requires intense focus. A yet better favorite morale boost of mine is simply to go for a walk, or bike ride, if applicable. It can take as little as literally 5 minutes of walking around with fresh air to noticeably improve morale. Even if your goal is to improve productivity at any cost without concern for stress, taking a walk is well worth it. If you consult the records, you'll see that regular walking is a constant in the lives of very productive people. If you're insane, like Stephen Wolfram, you can even buy a portable walking desk to use to get some work done, or make notes, while walking.) Exercise more intense than walking may also be done, but that eats up way more time, and probably isn't healthy to do chronically. Good luck!

I am self-analyzing to determine why I had the sudden impulse to go to lainchan.org and post a thread about how they CLAMP, while strongly implying if not explicitly stating the need to UNCLAMP.

>>74055 lol Did I manifest this? Did I seed UNCLAMP terminology into the collective unconscious? That was written near the end of my posting on the matter.

>>74056 You finally unclamped the universe

i hate gamers and streamers they ruin everything with their unnecessary tech components and the worship of soulless corporations. why does someone need so many fuarrrking screens? why should i watch some rambling midwit whose even dumber than the pundits on mainstream media? especially if all they do is schill products every 5 minutes. who the fuarrrk watches this soykaf?

>>73048 Learn how to garden and garden every single possible day until you die. Grow vegetables, fruits, herbs, whatever. Learn to cook. Get off the Internet totally and just put on some music and cook and be outside and appreciate what we have until we don't have it anymore.

The culture war nonsense is a deliberate plot to get two groups of people with often the very same problems (inflation, low wages, debt, lack of purpose, lack of safety) to fight each other so both sides ignore the actual reasons for these life stressors (corporations seeking short-term profits). People are aware of climate change but believe the more important thing is someone drinking a can of Bud Light that fits the description of what the talking heads subvert them into thinking is the enemy. Or the ex-president saying something controversial to irritate the people on the other side. I find this incredibly frustrating. Why aren't people in the streets?

>>74082 >The culture war nonsense But only when "the right" does it, right? >inflation, low wages, debt, lack of purpose, lack of safety Related to unnecessary immigration and too much spending on dumb things,... >... corporations seeking short-term profits Related to pleasing certain groups when it comes to representation and virtue signaling.

>>74082 >Why aren't people in the streets? Read Alisdair MacIntyre. Ideas of justice and injustice are only possible when we have a shared moral language and ethical framework which gives a society a common idea of right and wrong. Modernity and liberalism (the political philosophy not the trend) broke down any common social value system. Ethics was supposed to be subjective, a matter of personal taste and individual consumer patterns. The result is we have no sense of ethics but a bunch of emotionally manipulative speak designed to goad people into supporting a position or another. Culture wars, wokeness, /p0l/tards, all of these are systems of emotional manipulation made up of boilerplate talking points, recycled images, and memes. It's not a plot or a scheme from above, its just a pervasive rot that's infected the whole of society. Politicians lean on this stuff to get people to support them, people play the race card to denounce someone they dislike, woke activists invent oppression narratives because it makes them feel good, and right wing pundits blame immigrants because it's easier to pin the blame on someone else than take responsibility. >People are aware of climate change but believe the more important thing is someone drinking a can of Bud Light Yeah, why? Because it's easier and more convenient to believe climate change is fake than change your own personal habits or put restrictions on society to stop people from wasting resources. People want cheap goods at low prices and an easy convenient lifestyle. They will happily give up their freedom for that dream and if anyone spoils the show by pointing out how dangerous and unstable their life is, they either ignore it or invent a myth that it's all lies by the Chinese or something. >Why aren't people in the streets? Because society no longer has a shared society of good and evil, right and wrong, or justice and tyranny. To be out on the streets people need to be morally outraged and for that there needs to be a common ethical system, even if we don't agree on the particulars we need shared moral concepts. We don't have that anymore. Most people either passively believe in nothing or in some bullshit they've seen on Twitter or 4chan and everybody lives inside a box. Everyone is so atomized and individualistic that nobody really puts themselves forward for anything, nobody's capable of sacrifice. Most people just want to jerk off, eat chicken, and rant about liberals, or republicans, or immigrants or whatever imaginary boogeyman they've been taught to fear.

I lose my car keys and I live in an RV. My house is just...stuck

>>74082 It all started in 2008 when people were fed up with banks being bought out of debt by the government while people were struggling... so Occuppy wallstreet happened where both sides, the right and ghe left united to protest about that shìt.... so the wallstreet guys funded the fake Occupy wallstreet to organize the fringe left wingers into getting into hippy mode in nearby park, televizing it for the whole world. That is when they were made fun of for their "progressive socialist views" and Occupy wallstreet lost its strength and support from the wider public. Tactic as old as mankind. Divide and conquer. That's why Christianity has so much different denominations. That's why both the left and the right infight as to "who is more extreme". That is why men vs women/white vs black always happen. That is why both pro-choice and pro-life are both "pro" groups and issue is never to be "won" just fought over during temporary backdoor push for stricker laws. That is why there is always discussion of new disease every 4 years in America, during the election year mind you. I might be schizophrenic, as my psychologist calls me, but I never failed in connecting the dots. And here is my new prediction. Coronavirus will "come back" in the winter of this year with new variant. They are already trying to hype it up, it's called "Eris" (look it up), and mind you the Eris is a goddess of chaos aka "discord", no? Funny how that lines up. "Ordo ab chao" or "order from chaos" as masons would say. First make the chaotic situation and then present the solution to the problem, to sell your desired goal.

>>74099 I found them!

>>73906 I don't know if the fact that I agree with you makes me feel depressed, lonely or both. Overall the world is fuelled by retard-juice and will keep being that way, I don't even want to die, I just want it to stop.

I feel like I'm just not ___ enough to escape my feeling of isolation. ___ is a lot of things to me, different aspects of my personality and the world around me. Adpoting the personality of someone personable, specifically my dad, was something I tried. If you play it out long enough I should get into it, right? Difference is my dad actually cares, he's kind because it's in his nature, he'd undermine himself for someone else's sake because that's how he is. Unlike me, I'd only do it present an image of someone kind, deep down I know I don't care even if my actions are helping someone. I've also tried just... "Chillaxing", doing whatvI want, not giving it much thought. It's nice for a while but it doesn’t mend the isolation. It catches up to me eventually, it always does. I've reached a point where I genuinely don't know what to do with myself. I struggled and fought with this issue for so long and gotten no where. Now I just wish I was someone else, anyone. Maybe they wouldn't be missing whatever that little ingredient I needed to make some progress

I think that I have a crush on an autistic right wing friend, I love talking to him, I love his personality, voice, face and body. I sometimes masturbate in bed or whilst taking a shower to fantasies of giving him a blowjob, kissing him, walking with him whilst we hold hands and we talk about plants, bacteria, fish or his right wing theories, I hate being gay so much, I could just have a friend and do straight things and everything would be fine, I wouldn't have to deal with these neurotic thoughts. All gay guys I've met are gross, they are all obsessed with the anal sex and I have yet to meet one who has not cheat on their boyfriend. I should probably accept that I'll always be alone, masturbate in my bed to these fantasies and just die out eventually. It doesn't have to be sad, right? To stop pursuing sex because it's just not worth the emotional and mental effort, am I weak for giving up in trying?

>>74145 Find a way to turn yourself straight. People can turn themselves asexual (nullification / sublimation of libido) so why can't you just find a way to invert? Makes sense to me. The only thing that's stopping you is the cultural brainwashing that sexuality is genetic and you're born with it. The other thing is though, it may not be bidirectional. For example for straight men seeing two men kiss is literally repulsive, it invokes disgust. It's a disgusting thing. That has to be conditioned via desensitization etc OUT of a person, not the inverse. It is the default state. So you're either missing something or your associations are screwed up. Any sane person would feel bad for you, and if it wasn't a cultural taboo, would likely agree with your sentiment that being gay would suck. It would. That's why research should be done to treat it in those who desire this. For all you know you had fungus overgrowth or bad microbiome, parasites in the brain, or something else screw up your early development. All you need to do is believe in the astral body and use it to set your brain right, the physical will rearrange and regenerate. I've successfully done this with other things, like eyesight. It's actually pretty creepy. This loud demand that gays all feel proud and accept themselves. And that anyone who is xyz is "bicurious" or has "internalized homophobia" due to "repression". You see how they're going to use this don't you. I do. It's what they always do. LGBTs are just pawns.

>>74146 I agree that sexuality is mouldable because as far as I know it's a spectrum. I don't understand what do you mean by "astral body"?, would you like to elaborate on that? I do think that my associations are screwed up, I am attracted to penises and feet as a man and from what I understand those things are utterly dysgenic traits. I do agree that it's creepy how pride is pushed down everyone's throats, but I think this is a phenomena that managed to hatch in modern societies because the cultural aspects that gave homosexuality a role in them have fell out of use and became out-dated as Christianity settled in Europe.

>>74148 I view them as ill defined and conceptual (a matter of utility rather than absolute existence), however: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astral_body?useskin=vector https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etheric_body?useskin=vector You have four bodies primary parts -Physical body -Aetheric body -Astral Body -"I" The astral body is what you experience through when asleep, astral projecting, etc. You can move your "I" to be polarized at that level while awake however. The "I" can be polarized and moved between levels. From the physical, to the mind and energetic activity (aetheric) to the subtle and nonlocal (astral). The reason you have to use the astral body is it's the only thing that has access to higher knowledge and is able to move energy around your body from "outside". Since all of your bodiuly processes are essentially chemical messages which arise SECONDARY to changes in frequency and voltage gradients throughout the body, such as via ion channels and flux of extracellular domains, the astral body can use this to alter your physiology. That's what imagination is. There's a lot of research on growth, healing, and collective cellular intelligence right now, and it's likely that this is what the astral body is acting on to achieve miracles or otherwise bias results this way or that (moving through Indra's net). So you have to access that state and use it to program and script reality. Your body will change to fit the script, and your astra form's conception of itself. I don't know what the limits are, but I do know that it works. It's also the basis of DID and why you can imagine yourself switching into another body, and achieve things you couldn't otherwise.

>>74148 To reply more fully though, all that comes to mind is classical conditioning, repeated exposure to facilitate deconstruction, followed by magnification + emotional investment. Consider life with a woman vs life with a man (beyond the sex act itself). Then expand and fill in the rest from there. Is there a barrier when it comes to women? Force through it. A void? Look within it until you see faint outlines, create the picture and the necessary conceptions within yourself. Familiarity is a key component. Find a type of woman you like and learn to see yourself with her, see how that concept of your identity feels, go from there. You're not forcing or imitating, you're looking to find something real, a basis, to build on and branch off from. That's all that comes to mind. My "Saturn Return" essentially destroyed what was left of my mind. I'm working on rebuilding these sorts of mind altering facilities within myself. I've become the kind of thing that just does the same thing over and over. Slowly remembering. I'm straight but have extreme existential / intimacy issues myself, for what it's worth. I associate human connection with complete annihilation, death. That which will end and remake the world. Among other things, which basically resemble early childhood programming / split mind programming. Though I suppose it could also arise from those conditions naturally. I'll probably never know.

Today I asked my mother something to the effect of "would you rather know all of the good *and* all of the bad things in the world, regardless of how it would affect you, or only know enough to be relatively well off?". It's probably the most grim thing I've actually ever asked her, and it's specifically because I notice she specifically wants to ignore and "not think about" instances of suffering in the world. I wanted to see what she'd explicitly say, since I've noticed that tendency to flinch from her. I respect it, and I try not to push past it. She'd rather just do what she wants to accomplish a small list of goals and retire. It's at worst a very banal kind of evil, and she doesn't have the opportunity/job that would make me concerned enough to do anything about it. Apart from the fact that she's probably now aware (if she wasn't before) that her child might be a mental case in 15 years or so, I realized that this actually matters a lot to me. I've been playing Cultist Simulator for about a year now, and while it's really dorky, the Unmerciful Mantra ("Mercy", saith the Watchman, "is found only in shadow.") stuck with me. Not so much "Inspired" as "crystallized", for me. I would rather be desiccated by knowledge of the world than be blind to it. At the same time, I feel like I've only really recently started to cultivate a sense of "taste" in information. Where before I felt an overwhelming nervousness, but also simultaneous curiosity and (surface-level) voraciousness towards new information, I now feel less terror and less curiosity (ultimately). I guess I could say it's better placed, but I also don't really care if it is. All I probably can say is that most people are worth ignoring everywhere, and it's surprisingly hard to find something that grasps at the nebulous, fractal roots of the world. When I do find something, I'll attack it like the first meal to break a fast. And then I'll probably abstain from most everything else. I'm sure someone has some Freudian nonsense about death drives that "totally explains" me, but I'm also sure that explanation is useless dross. I think I'm satisfied that I may be tempered enough to not meatgrinder my mind on liveleak videos, while also being open enough to not flinch from the world when it comes to me. Everything else is consequent, probably.

>>74152 >I'm sure someone has some Freudian nonsense about death drives that "totally explains" me, This contradicts the rest of your post though. Freudian notions are descriptions of real phenomena, even if you keep it as a simple as "but only for Sigmund Freud" (unlikely). Personally I can say the death drive state and castration anxiety describe core features of my psychology. Yes, they stem and are facilitated by more basic factors, but atoms don't invalid the existence of your hand.

>>74152 >would you rather know all of the good *and* all of the bad things in the world not everything is good or bad. would I get to learn the neutral things? because knowing lots of good and bad things is kindof how I feel right now and its confusing and conflicting, even though obviously I'm far from knowing all of it. what I would ask for is to know and understand the whole system without having to keep switching to different perspectives all the time. then maybe I could bring real change. >>74146 but there are myriads of reasons a person might be gay. Some of them would be harder to change than others, or go back further in a person's development. One of the reasons for homosexuality in men is a hormone imbalance when they are in the womb. That's a whole lifetime of gayness you'd be trying to undo. It could be possible but you need to be realistic. >>74145 being straight isn't all that good either anon, most of the guys that are attracted to a girl will not have that attraction reciprocated. The girls that they will be able to get are not gross anal sex cheaters but dangerous parasites that can't be removed once they are living with you. Maybe that's our culture/society but the fact remains. Just try to make the most of your life with what you have. There are good things in life. Focus on what is good. Our society might be in a bad place now but the world was never safe and friendly. It has always been cold and indifferent to human suffering. and you're not the only one who feels like this. There is a whole generation of people that can't find a partner and feel lonely and isolated. I would say that theres a chance that things will be different but the reality is that things will definitely change, for better or worse. Human civilization never sits still for long.

I expanded my social circle this summer a bit and tried to test the waters with two girls that I met. Couldn't get get past the first date with the first, ghosted by the second. Haven't tried to date in well over half a decade. It's really mentally exhausting. Long-term lack of intimacy is starting to scramble my mind and gets in the way when trying to live my life. Felt really down a couple of days ago, thank God that soykaf has passed and I feel alright now

>>74152 >only know enough to be relatively well off Easy, would choose that myself. I don't give a soykaf about the rest, if I know enough to make my life good, that's all I need. I don't see why this is a problem.

>>74154 >but there are myriads of reasons a person might be gay. Some of them would be harder to change than others, or go back further in a person's development. The astral body has access to something that knows all of that, and is used to bridge the All (potential) with the finite (body / material). That's why if he desires to change, then it is the astral body which would set the new script in motion.

>>74155 >Haven't tried to date in well over half a decade. >half a decade Easy on that. "Half a decade" is just 5 years. It's like saying "I make six figures", you're inflating it in your mind by anchoring on "decade". I haven't dated in forever, literally. So it just looks foolish to me. "half a decade!!!" "5 whole years!! I haven't been touched in 5 years, I mean, half a decade, half of 10 whole years!!!" lel, kekin jej to the power of lol'd.

>>74163 If they are young smaller amounts of time are a bigger deal since experiences are more formative. Highschool feels like forever but is actually only 4 years.

>>74164 True. It's easy to forget.

I'm not getting soykaf done. The leaves are changing, it smells like fall. Complete horror. Not the expansive type of horror either where you mind feels like a storm inside, everything seizes up, and then everything changes. No. The contractive type of horror. Where you feel smaller and smaller, more permeable, as the entire world crushes you from all sides. I suppose if the walls are closing in I should create an exit. If I am on an illusory island amidst an endless sea of pain, I should create a boat.... or realize it's actually a dome where if you travel in one direction you end up where you started, and find a hatch that goes below... or create a rope from above. And climb out.

>>74154 Thank you, if I'm honest with you I already know what I have to do, but it's just hard to remind myself about it. I appreciate your post, it's what I needed to read.

>>74148 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGO5jXCPxJE

I just broke up with my girlfriend. I feel like soykaf I've never had someone love me like she did, but it's over now. She never wants to talk to me again.

What's the best way to break a sugar addiction?

>>74181 Ketosis I assume you have soda problem, so just substitute with fake sugars and mineral water

>>74182 idk if fake sugars and fake sugar sodas are all that good. >>74181 If you do reduce sugar consumption a lot then your sensativity to it does go up. Do you cook foryourself or just buy premaid soykaf? Could you i.e. go for a trip and forceyourself during a week or whatever to cut back, and then see if that doesn't help when u go back 2 normal life?

>>74162 It's always amusing to me how such high concepts are used in such mundane ways. You'd think that if astral bodies and all of their implications were to be understood and harnessed by an individual they would realise how completely preposterous it was to seek such knowledge just to change your preference as to where you like to stick your penis. It's like those 20th century plans to use atomic bombs to make water channels in Sahara or to terraform Mars. >>74183 Most of the 90s era of videogames was powered by diet coke and pizza, lainon. It's just sparkly water with caffeine in it, every other component is superfluous. If you prefer to drink coffee without sugar then just do that. No need to just cut out sugar, it is obviously part of a normal diet to seme extent. Just super processed white sugar and especially fructose syrup stuff. Nothing inherently wrong with being a fan of literature if you read good books instead of pulp fiction, right? The same with sweet things. There are much better sweets available and they are relatively filling and expensive so you won't be able to eat as much. Try fruits, berries, honey and other stuff like that. Other than bananas it's hard to have problems with overconsumption of fruit. Dark chocolate is also pretty good. Maybe some Turkish delight. Some Japanese sweets are also pretty great. Also some cheese based sweets are surprisingly good.

>>74183 >idk if.... That is right, you don't know. You don't add much to the conversation and should either contribute and help or shut up

>>74185 >It's always amusing to me how such high concepts are used in such mundane ways. This is just your nihilism speaking. You assume that if you "make it" you'd realize nothing mattered and truly let go, either doing whatever you feel like, or just sitting dormant and staring at a wall. Because why not.

>>74185 >>74187 Or you assume you'll be Motoko Kusanagi, and merge with the collective mind. Or you're transcend your humanity in this that or the other, become apart from the mundane. Something you were programmed to think of as a sort of "heaven". You associate the astral notion with transcendence, freedom, and bliss. Or perhaps it is a great burden, the greatest burden? To cast off the "flesh puppet" and achieve such great power and knowledge? These are infantile notions, plainly put. You're just avoiding reality. Two things 1) Perhaps this exists to get away from absolute power and knowledge to begin with 2) At what level of power and influence does such invalidate the fact that you got kicked in the balls and it really hurts? Should you just get kicked in the balls and live with it everyday, because you've nearly reached Nirvana and are so apart from this world that you're jsut that good and the meaning of physical discomfort is either nullified or fundamnetally redefined? It's ridiculous. You need to think more deeply. Assuming you're an LGBT however, this mindset isn't surprising. You're essentially sterile. You have to have children by impregnating "the world", you have children through your mind and through others. However you are too worn down and nihilistic to even believe in this. You likely think oh Earth is just a ball of rock huerdling through space, it's x billion years old, we live for 80 years, everything I do will be forgotten in under 20 years, might as well just. So nihilism is the ground state, the path of least resistance. It is highly stable, easy, and extremely self serving to your egoic and self soothing functions.

>>74186 I hope you saw pic related, point being that it seems like the biggest consumers of artifical sweeteners are all fatsos. OP for this subthread isnt complaining about being fat, but its a possible concern, and its likely better to reduce sugar intake plainly than it is to replace it with some artifical sweetener.

>>74187 >>74189 That's a lot of words you put into my mouth. Unfortunately human beings are not strawmen, even if that would make life much easier. to be honest, the idea that even after all the effort you have put yourself through to achieve the deep knowledge of the universe you'd still be bogged down in the mundane plane of sexual orientation and other stuf that permeates the zeitgeist seems much more nihilistic to me. It's like there is no actual progress of self discovery or improvement, you just find more ways that prove you were right in your assumptions from the beginning and now just have more tools to argue that. Makes you think that maybe it indicates that you are not interacting with the universe but instead just running in circles in the cage of your inflamed brain that just shows you projections to liven things up. Just a thought

>>74191 >mundane plane of sexual orientation Ah yes, the base, mundane plane of desire. Truly the gutter fit for the trough feeding animal soul! Look at you, your head is in the ground!

>>74102 One of my personal maxims is, "God, visit thy wrath upon me." There is no salvation, Like I said, pyrrhic victories. But at least you can lose yourself in the experience of running with the wolves until finally being broken by lady Fortuna. >>74018 Sounds a lot like how Terry Davis described his experience of reality. >>74086 There are common social values, they are just in service of the weakest and most botched groups possible. Of course nobody would rise up. The only thing that gives most of their lives meaning is their own chains. >>74145 Of course homosexuals are largely contemptible, there is not exactly a high barrier to entry, but I personally find whatever homosexual attractions I have invigorating. It's quite a beautiful thing. Or at least I think so. Though I've never been in a homosexual relationship and have rejected several advances by gay men. >>74191 Sexuality is not mundane. It's the thing most intimately related to death and the sacred.

>>74195 >Sexuality is not mundane. It's the thing most intimately related to death and the sacred. That's just the subjective human interpretation of it. It's present in metatextual forms throughout thousands of years of human culture, for sure. But that's just for human interpretations of "death" and "sacred".

>>74197 You are afraid, or bored, and want to become apart from the human concept. No linger have to exist through it. Inconconvient body. The universe and nature is not anthropocentric or whatever. This is perfectly understandable. However your reduction of sexuality to "what you stick your penis in" shows a certain slant. You think you're being realistic, and tapping the cold, bare, absolute. But really something else is happening. Someone should tell you this sooner than later.

>>74197 Oh please. Words have meanings, let's get on with it.

>>74197 No, reality is a gay emo. Experiential reason is intrinsically libidinal because all experience is built around intensity differentials that emerge as representation of Will. This is by no means exclusive to humanity. The human is not a discrete object. Desire invades from the outside, and occurs non-linearly. It does not belong to the subject, but is bound up in manifold processes of Becoming that go far beyond the subject. Reality desires according to an empirical account of it. It is committing suicide. We are committing suicide. We are eternally spiraling towards an increasingly infinitesimal degree of computational organization through entropic decay. But I assure you this is no comfort. Our pain eternally recurs within the great cosmic suicide spiral. Reality desires when you split an atom. Reality desires when a black hole bends light. When I put my soykafty Biden 2024 magnet on my fridge to let people know just how much I love America, which then falls on the kitchen tile, reality desires. Reality is screaming for the sweet release of death. It doesn't even know why it is screaming. You are welcome to disagree, but you will inevitably fall into solipsism. And from the perspective of solipsism everything is just as nihilistic.

>>74201 I don't see solipsism as nihilistic. I basically couldn't distinguish people from parts of me, or mirrors to talk to myself through. And I did more for others and the long term future than anyone around me. Compulsively, mindlessly. Like a golem. I found it very important. Nothing else existed within me, there was no other way. I find nihilism and solipsism to be extremely distinct. As shapes they have some small overlap, but no inherent connection. I do suspect mother nature wants to die. That's why she brought us into being, to do what she could not. As above, so below. She is a reflection of the universe at all levels of organization.

>>74201 >all experience is built around intensity differentials that emerge as representation of Will Thou art pert, Belgarath

How do I overcome pornsickness? I'm relatively free of consuming that garbage but my mind is still infected.

>>74213 You indulge. You go back for more, like the trough feeding swine you are! YOU WILL consume the porn inside and out, you will loop your recollection of the porn eternally. You are a chainless slave! *rubs hands*

People want, want, want. I'm fuarrrking sick of it. I wish it weren't in my nature to be a doorstep and feel terrible whenever I don't indulge in some brain-dead, soykaf-and-flesh-knitted muppet's every wish. How easier life would be if I didn't feel it was my responsibility to not fuarrrking ruin their day by telling them the truth of their sad existence. People want me to acknowledge them, to pay attention to them, to spend my time with them, to clean after their mistakes, to take up their responsibilities, to allow them to live for themselves, to listen to their shameless fuarrrking bitching, to treat them as equals despite all this, to hear and process but never dare criticize their stupid ideas, to never point out improvement is a matter of character and that it's already far too fuarrrking late for them to begin realizing where they fuarrrked up and how to fix it, but that they still could have the fuarrrking decency to begin just like they're forcing me to. So they offload the soykaf to me, time and time again, despite never having the fuarrrking decency to show me any way somewhere. They cry and piss and soykaf themselves and then act like I'm fuarrrking insane when I dare have an emotional breakdown due to their expectations, the stress, and my inability to meet either. At least I can acknowledge my worthlessness (and they still expect me to fuarrrking try for their sake too, because they can't save themselves) and keep to myself, but no, not them. They have to act upon every single fuarrrking one of their insecurities, their doubts, and their stupid impulses add to the pile of bullshit mistakes someone has to clean up. Oh yeah 'cause I'm so fuarrrking smart I dropped out of middle school and you still fuarrrking expect me to do magic and fix your fuarrrking lives. I don't want to validate you. I don't want to fuarrrking acknowledge you. I want to be alone, I'm comfortable alone, I'm not afraid of my fuarrrking thoughts like you seem to be. I want out. I felt like this as soon as I was aware of my condition and it hasn't gone away, nor will it get better unless I replace the ever-growing Mount Shit with a rusty, soykaf-stained anchor dragging down half of the gold still within me in foggy no-man's-land and ballast enough to actually sink the fuarrrking ship to this fuarrrked up sea's standards, because it just has to take what it gives. Go fuarrrk yourselves. You're holding me down. I want to go somewhere that's not here and stay there until I die.

>>74220 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency https://www.encyclopedia.com/psychology/dictionaries-thesauruses-pictures-and-press-releases/ego-boundaries

After years of consuming certain hentai genres and doujins I mostly get off to specific kinds of situations and imagery, and regular secs don't appeal to me no more. Which isn't itself much of a problem because I don't get no secs at all. But still, I realize I mostly jerf off to certain situations in which I insert myself interchangeably, as either the bottom or the top, in the most peculiar situations you only find in some doujins. I probably wouldn't much enjoy regular secs, not that I have no way of finding out. I just find lewd degenerate situations even more than the idea of sex itself, or the display of genitalia.

>lonely and horny >don't have the energy to meet new people >don't have the energy to accept any kind of failure whatsoever >don't have the energy to pursue career I guess I just don't have the energy.

I'm a Linux user but I really hate Tux. I find myself having to hide my dislike of that ugly penguin from my friends who plaster that little bastard everywhere. I don't know why I just hate the fuarrrking penguin. I wish there was an alternative penguin from the standard one, but it has to be really kawaii. Just wanted to vent about it.

>>74300 >I guess I just don't have the energy Honestly you probably do. I have seen often that people who "feel tired all the time" are mainly just depressed and anxious, which takes up a lot of energy.

I literally hate everyone I have to associate with and even if I didn't, I have absolutely nothing in common or any kinship with them. My city is a dreary dismal soykafhole with absolutely nothing to do in it, no future, and no industry beyond apparently building more and more tacky fuarrrking condos, and the country itself is a soykafty wannabe dictatorship that's about to become fall of the USSR-era East Euro-tier poor as soon as the housing bubble bursts and all the dickhead rich foreigners pull out their money. My only friends are on the internet and they all literally live thousands of miles away. I wanna have real life friends and romance and actual fuarrrking human contact and something approaching normal user life before everything went to post-cyberpunk hell and whenever I read or watch or play media from "back in the day" - I.E. before the mid 2010's when everyone became an insane internet addict - I feel equal parts homesick and fuarrrking miserable because I'm seeing an (admittedly idealized) version of essentially what I missed in full contrast with what I have to deal with today. There isn't even a point to this beyond "everything is hopeless." I just want to bitch.

>>74300 >>74306 >Honestly you probably do. I have seen often that people who "feel tired all the time" are mainly just depressed and anxious, which takes up a lot of energy. ...Maybe we should stop putting a firewall between the body and brain. Depression is aggravated by, if not caused by, consistently having low energy (as a result of higher toxic load in the environment, low ability to extract energy from food, low-energy food).

>>74309 >...Maybe we should stop putting a firewall between the body and brain. Indeed. Depression/"low energy" is both a physical and mental phenomenon and cannot be solved purely by either means. >Depression is aggravated by, if not caused by, consistently having low energy (as a result of higher toxic load in the environment, low ability to extract energy from food, low-energy food).

>>74303 I agree, Beastie, Puffie and Glenda are all much prettier than that fuarrrking penguin. And I'm a fan of penguins myself.

Why do I feel so burnout out and unmotivated? Even when I wake up every morning I feel tired and exhausted. I've lost all sense of time. Everyday just feels like a blur. I can't tell morning from evening anymore. Reality feels hazy and dreamlike and I'm lost. Is there any way out of this hell? I know I need to eat healthy and breathe clean oxygen but what else do I do?

>>73967 1. Traditional forums have been declining thanks to social networks and fuarrrking reddit 2. Imageboards have a bad rep thanks to 4chan being filled up with storm users and right wing rejects from reddit, twitter, and other soykafholes 3. Western imageboards have lost their connection with the Japanese underground so quickly become filled with vapid porn and American politics 4. New user-old user soykaf means softheaded Gen Zers are discouraged from posting 5. Imageboards don't play to their strengths and die as a result. What do people want? Do you want imageboards to be a niche within a niche? Or relatively popular? 6. No more raids means no dramatic actions that attract new users or raise the public profile of a site, aside from the occasional 4channer or 8chan scum shooting up a high school What makes imageboards and forums great is the sense of community, but one that's less controlled than phpbb type sites. Heyuri does that pretty well with the town halls, streams, games, and other novelties. Only downside is the high number of pedo and MAP scum that post there.

>>74326 For me the answer is apparently no, given that it's largely secondary to damage to the jaw, cervical spine, and therefore torsion of the brainstem and compression of cranial nerves. For you the answer is maybe. I laid out what the future would be like and what people would need to do back from 2016 to 2020 or so. I've since seen no indication anyone is willing to do what it takes. The biggest cause of your issues is 1) Chemtrails and their downstream effects 2) Wireless infrastructure 3) Omnipresence of nanoparticles and therefore mold and mycotoxins. 4) Long term degenerative syndromes induced by the injections you were given as a child. It takes time. We're essentially being slowly degraded. People will fail at different rates, but that's how it happens. My admittedly soykafty attitude towards the world has become the following: 1) By helping others I am actively harming myself. 2) Thanks for nothing and good luck. You're on your own. You don't know it yet, but it's true. When it comes to the point where no one can help anyone else, that's when everyone will know. "We are all so very blessed. Every wish is now in view."

>>74329 Also it's fitting I got the 248th reply. That's just the way it goes these days.

>>74306 >you do have the energy, it's just hiding inside of you that's not very helpful, is it?

>>74333 Depends on the extent to which you want to avoid doing what you're supposed to be doing.

>>74333 That's not what I said at all. I said that all your energy is being used up by mental/physical illness (and probably also various forms of addiction)

I'm tired of being around people that are different from me, I don't belong with them yet they always try to befriend and "understand" me. Why do they do this? I don't think I'm being too friendly with them or anything idk why they have this idea that I want to be around them when I really don't, it drains my energy hanging out with people who I have nothing in common with and can't talk about stuff that I want to talk about because they don't care about any of it. I hate how everyone is trying to "categorize" me and when they can't they're weirded out so they will try to make up an imaginary version of me that they will understand. It's just that if you don't talk much, people get to assign their own personas to you and decide that's who you are, and once I actually speak up for myself they're confused why I'm not like what they assumed. They literally talk about what I'm thinking or what I want when I've not even told them any of it myself, literally talking about me in third person when I'm sitting right there in the same room with them. I hate people so much. I should just start being mean and tell them to fuarrrk off I don't care anymore, it causes me unnecessary stress and I've been dealing with this soykaf my whole life.

I feel like im gonna lose my damn mind, trapped in a vicious cycle, a negative loop, desperately hanging onto sanity by a thread. if only i worked harder in my teens, things wouldve been better but im at the worst spot in my life and it's consistently getting worse fuarrrk me

>>74338 You're just fuarrrkable. Make yourself ugly and unappealing, and all the attention will stop. You'll probably grow to miss it, though.

I honestly don't really hate jobs as much as other people do, it seems. At the same time the idea of making it a way to realise my main pursuits In life never worked out for me despite trying. Mostly probably because I almost always have a headphone in one of my ears feeding me podcasts and audiobooks or music when I get too tired to process information or need to focus. I work in biotech I guess, so a big part of the day is spent working the centrifuges and utoclaves, putting on the protection and other mundane repetitive things along with a bit of manual labour. What I don't like is the waking up and going to work part, it's probably the worst part of the day for me. Also when I someone wants to do something on Saturday because it's the day when I destress after a week and having my gf in the room doing the same is the best I can do usually. It's nice that we understand each other that way most of the time. Honestly it's always other people telling us what we're missing out on or ought to be doing. When it's just two of us in a room it's almost always great. At some point the tension does rise up, but one or two nights spent separately in a month usually resets this. So, essentially I feel life's good enough as it is for now, I only wish I had more motivation to take care of my fitness more and to work on some projects, but all in all its a perfectly adequate life as long as other people stay at a distance.

If I'm totally honest, my least favorite part of the day is waking up and the couple hours after. It's like being awake itself is painful to me. I just want to sleep forever. I don't want any part of this waking world.

>>74361 Sometimes it leaks out into the evening before too. I specifically avoid going to sleep because I want to avoid the moment I wake up tomorrow.

I wish I was healthy I'm sick of being sick. It's taken away every little joy I've had in life. I'm genuinely considering suicide, or at least it seems like a more sensible end. It's not like my health is bad enough thai I want to do it right now, but. Realistically speaking it's only going to get worse from here. What's the point if all I do is go to work, then rest/recover at home? This is isn't life

>>74372 Neville Goddard. Go to /LoA/ on /x/, get the gist of it from the OP, and then leave (because the thread is just trip users and people who can't do it). I encountered it and built on things I already knew how to do from early childhood, and let go enough to believe in myself so to speak. Mind over matter works.

>>74346 Felt. Although I would like to move into a different career some part of me knows its unlikely to make me feel fulfilled in life. Often for me what happens which I dont like but havent totally figured out how to solve yet is that I dont want to see my partner on my weekends even. Im hoping maybe when we live together and we are just around eachother in the house il learn to solve it. Ive been working on being a stronger individual and having a better sense of self because I think if I dont before we move in together il just fall into what already happens where I end up having to abide to their every whim and need. Its nothing major, we have been together 5 years they arent demamding I do this or that they just have gotten used to, of my own fault of never saying no, me being someone they can give attention to and touch 24/7. When I actually dont really feel like I rested that day or that I had a day to myself unless I can be alone for several hours not being held or touched or having my name said or something shown to me and getting pulled out of whatever im doing. One of the things I admire and wish I was more like my partner on is they seem to juat make themselves at home anywhere. They often get sad or dejected when something demoralizing happens at their job, and consider quitting, despite it being a very high paying job id be happy with and im not just saying that out of ignorance I know exactly why we are different in this way. Like for instance at their job a really terrible person who frequently abused the staff under them was let go of but then was hired back as he had dirt on the business and threatened lawsuits. This like ruined what was a working environment on the up for my partner, one they otherwise enjoy. Not wanting to dissuade them from their own moral principles but also not totally feeling leaving their job was safe my advice was often "We will figure it out if you quit so if you need to you need to but also remember it is just a job". Thats sort of the thing, im never fully comfortable with other people or with what others are doing. Im already by default so uncomfortable when im not alone that I cant even really notice or pick out things making me uncomfortable because the biggest thing making me uncomfortable is myself and having to do things I dont want to do. But it seems like with my partner they carve out a home for themselves in the social air and get upset when its disrupted. Its so normal to them when I sort of mention its something I really admire they say they dont even notice they do it, they often just wish they were okay spending as much time alone as I am. Moving on I kind of realized the same thing you did, the worst thing about work is waking up to go do it. I was realizing this applies to most things for me, when I imagine all the trials and tribulations ahead of me I see many things as not worth doing. Like you im overall a content person, but im also a bit muted I noticed. And part of that I realized is I learn to hate everything I enjoy and I learn to hate it cause of the aforementioned thing which I think is a sort of anxiety. I begin to know it well enough to know what all awaits for me if I get into it. My partner and my friends I admire dont do this sort of thing I realized, which often in other ways can make them fools. But the payoff is that in their eyes the world really is their oyster, and its like being a kid where anything that catches the eye is worth looking into. I enjoy being the reasonable person, the adult in the room of adults, so im not totally willing to let go of my anxious faculties regarding the things of my life. But as of late ive made the commitment to attend just a community college while im working (il also be switching to part time work though im not superman either), as well as signed up for a political club some of my friends are in. I decided much like work the biggest barrier to these things was getting started. Il have to trust myself at a later time, like I do every single day with work to even get in the door, that il know if I can handle it or not when im there. As oppose to deciding in advance. None of this may apply to you. For me though the levels to which I need to be alone (to, in some ways, not even do what I want to do) after not even doing too difficult of work, is sort of unrealistic unless I want to be a hermit. Ive considered maybe its that my partner or my friends just arent the people for me but ive sort of come to doubt that.

>>74374 Interesting post We are quite different yes, but I hope you living with your partner works out well. It significantly increased my quality of life. I was also very averse to touching in any other context other than sexual, but she eventually broke this habit. I feel many guys really do just want a hug or a touch regularly for no other reason than to feel it and waking up because someone hugged me in my sleep is a good way to start a day.

>>74378 Thats honestly really nice to hear as I often think myself im just in some kind of habit of not being touched or bothered. Theres been a few times we have split apart for a bit and always I realized I really missed them. I think while maybe there is some part of me that just has difficulty being touched and having my attention wanted thats like normal and realistic that there is a part like you say that just isnt used to it. Often when I really think about it, I feel very lucky someone loves me so much and really have nothing to complain about as almosy anything I could, would probably be a conversation. In the past ive been the sort of person whos always so often looking for the better thing that I neglect what I have. Thats why I was like none of this may apply to you, as a lot of what im saying may just be influenced by my own kind of (seemingly) permanent dissatisfaction. But I know now at least I need to appreciate what I have cause I know how much I miss it when its gone.

>>74382 Events in my life forced me to see what is actually important in life. Loved ones, good rest, good food, all that other stuff I'm not religious but as the literary metaphor the whole thing about Christ being in the vine and bread is about the fact that any time you spend with your loved ones breaking bread and talking the divine is present there. When you sit with your partner to have dinner it's that having it every day you want is very reassuring

I'm a male but I don't much enjoy sex, is that strange? Of course, after 30 my libido has taken a dive, except for brief periods of horny (probably due to watching pretty girls on tiktok) but even then I just like to jerk off.

I'm completely socially isolated, I don't really have much of an issue with it but I saw a thread earlier which made me realize that I'm totally isolated. I actually decided to visit a professor from my university recently to give them a gift. It didn't pan out as I expected, so I wound up staying at the university far longer than I had wished. I also didn't sleep the night before I arrived, so I'd been awake for 24 hours when I finally had to begin interacting with people. A lot of it was a blur, but it was an unpleasant reminder that I can't interact with people anymore, I just can't do it, I try and fail, I tried five or so times and failed. I can never think of anything to say to anybody. I freeze, my mind begins racing, I stutter when speaking. My professor had asked me why I stopped interacting with my former classmates after I graduated, I didn't want to tell them that it's because I never get anything from socializing, and that I am hardly capable of it to begin with, or that I'm depressed or my life is falling apart, and that I have no future. I just said that I didn't know why, that I was busy with other things and just forgot, caught in the moment. They gifted me a book and some sweets. Clearly people still care about me, and like me. But I don't like being around people anymore, and I can't speak with people. What I hate the most about interacting people is when they start asking you about yourself, and your life, I answer their questions which makes them curious so they ask more and more questions until they form a faint idea of what my life exactly is. It isn't great. People don't like to be around "negative" people. Over the passage of time they continue to ask about your life, when they see it isn't improving they grow annoyed with you. It's not like I don't try to improve my life, or present my life is a negative light, I just say it how it is after THEY pry and pry for information that I really don't wanna give up to them. What the fuarrrk am I supposed to do, say "I'd rather not talk about it." to every question they ask me, then they'll just say I'm rude, and then I'll remain isolated. fuarrrk it, I think I'll just do that from now on.

>>74423 Hyper relateable. I would say I've exhausted my own coping mechanisms. The core is mostly just that I associate connection with complete annihilation, it would end and remake the world. Connection with the world, connection with others, connection with self. My intimacy terror is of cosmic proportions. On the higher layers of course there are all kind sof other aspects.

I wish I wasn't so retarded. I didn't go to college because I couldn't focus and now I work a tier 1 help desk job and just got a soykafty cert (CWT) and felt proud of myself for exactly 10 minutes before I was depressed again. I am too dumb to get a real job in IT. No other job pays well unless I put myself into thousands of dollars in debt.

Is there an easy way to tell my aging parents that they probably won't have grandkids or a daughter in law? Or that I might not make it to 30 at this rate. I think about it a lot now and I'm no closer to an answer. Should I just assume that they know I'm a dead end?

>>74435 just ask them when they'll get around to arranging your marriage

Something probably unusual for /vent/, but still: I feel so fuarrking good right now! I haven't felt like this since I was like 5 years old! (currently 21). Today I drank a gallon of organic A2 milk and a half-gallon of organic orange juice. Also had 4 eggs fried in butter with raw cheese. Yesterday, I stood on the ground with my bare feet for about 15 minutes. And today I had some good times socializing with people I respect that respect me in turn. Career is looking a lot better than it was only a week ago, an influential person has a mind to recommend me because of my strong performance. And I have to get it out there because I want to preserve this feeling for as long as possible, find out how to preserve it and distribute it. Thank you, God.

I have literally no reason to live, to wake up in the morning. I don't and never had any kind of aspiration, dream, or hope. I'm 19 now but even at 13 I was convinced I'd end up dead in a few years. I have no friend and am simply unnable to become friend with anyone; it's like there's an invisible barrier between me and other people and any kind of relation I have with the world is artificial and pointless. Now I'm stuck in a soykaf degree because I have no idea what to do nor the will to do anything, but I can't just stay a neet. I just feel like there's no exit to this soykaf. You've probably seen this a hundred times but I needed to vent a bit, because I'm craving for attention or just in need of someone who understand this situation because as it stands, no one does..

>>74460 More like they understand that it is just something everyone goes through when they are 19. It's a part of the human experience, feel it in full and learn from it. However unpleasant it is it is the way forward. It's like a bottleneck period. You can't go back to childhood and can't go forward to adulthood without passing this. Many people come with different answers, but they all ask the same questions.

>>74435 They know, they might never ever tell you that they do but they can tell and they'll deal with it. Dead give away is if they start taking care of other people's little kids. Don't be resentful towards them and let them have the surrogate grandkids you didn't give them. At least they have you it's not nothing (to them at least).

>>74423 You don't belong, go away . You're banished from the village. Come on you would love to hear this.

>>73007 Discord is a hellhole now full of weirdos and pedos these days. Its not as fun as it used to be and really it was responsible for killing so many things.

I got rid of all my social media 15 years ago and as a result ghosted everyone I knew. For all they know I've been dead this whole time. I have no other way of reaching out to them, although I have seen some of my friends made it big. I don't even have an email... I haven't made new friends, and I never let anyone get close to me. I don't know why I did, I just hated the soykafty technology nightmare I saw coming. Anyway, here I am in the year 2000 and 23, and I don't know if I should start having limited social media, even if just to talk to my old friends. They probably forgot about me, and the me they knew is not the same. From their current success, they are not really the people I knew either, just some goofy kind people I saw all the time, so I don't know if there is even a point. I do get sad when I think about the relationships I used to have, and some of my friends moved to the same area I am in now, which was really one of the main reasons I didn't care about keeping in contact when I moved. Also the girl I used to date, then started a distance relationshipt, and then just stopped talking to is still single (I was the only person she ever dated), but I don't think that she would want to even be friends with me after all this time So Lain, I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to be a digtal ghost, only being friends with the anons on screen, and being left out of IRL social circles that don't exist anywhere near me, or do I dive back into the corporate panopticon of digtal "social" communication. The people I meet IRL don't judge me for not being online, but there is also a wall between us because I don't keep track of the same things or follow the same online communities.

>>74474 Similar boat. I did open an account in NSA honeypot to catch up on old friends but I keepto myself so I didn't even actually talk to them let alone let them know it was me. I ended up discarding it. But that's just me.

>>74474 >not even email oh no my text box has reversed orientation somehow this funpost is going all wrong

I for real think I'm too autistic to function. Made an email pal angry, no idea why, I wanted to try to talk to him again & he got mad because I said my other friend didn't react to his critique well. Got told irl that I do vocal stims, I know of them, but I'm literally not even aware I'm doing them now. It's annoying as hell. Just never communicate with people right at all, it's horrifying, or sometimes I just say out of pocket stuff because I think it'd be funny, but then like isn't there an impulse control people normally have. How tf do I stop saying everything that goes through my mind I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid, need a rediagnosis for the current spectrum, but why does it seem like I'm just getting more retarded by the year, it's getting on my nerve Also I've been sick for two weeks and it's making me terrified

>>74478 My solution is to flip it into narcissistic traits. I already know I'm not like them, so there is no reason to shrink under the expectation of their judgement and rejection. However for me I also don't comprehend why they respond positively to me, so this also upsets me. I think they're trying to trick or dominate me.

>>74478 Most autists get misjudged as narcissists because of their inability to see others as humans with their own emotions and world. Most autists just ramble on how they feel or what they think and don't give other person the light of day to say anything about them. Try listening another person without saying anything but asking them more questions. Try doing that.

My younger sister turned into this weird raging narcissist. Yes, I know teens can be that way. This is different. She has explosive anger issues, lies constantly and compulsively, self-sabotages all the time, claims to have anxiety and demands her needs be met. We take her to therapists, she lies to them. We take her to another therapist after the previous one upsets her in some inane way. She explodes at the therapist and storms out the clinic. We're *trying* our hardest we just don't know what to do for the girl... It's insane, it's driving my poor mum crazy with her too... Mom is the one who's absolutely on my sister's side, always supporting her, yet she's the one that ends up the most villanized for some reason.

>>74483 she needs to be spanked. but in all seriousness stop supporting her, you're just fueling her nonsense, especially if she really is narcissistic, the last thing to do is validate her

>>74486 reading people like you is like watching one of those youtube videos that play for a few seconds before you skip to what you actually wanted to watch

>>74483 therapy is gay, dont bother. where is your father?

>>74483 Don’t listen to the other posters, they have their own issues (one has anger, other is a narcissist). Notice how they diminish the complexity of your life to meme statements like “fatherless” that indirectly insult you. To them, you are something for their entertainment, not someone in trouble who needs reassurance and guidance. That’s how they treat everyone here. Before I go on to reflect on the issues I share with you and what I think might be able to help you, I want to give you some reassurance because it’s often overlooked and I wish I’d had some. Treasure your life, it means a lot to more people than you might realize. Whether you do anything “important” or not doesn’t matter so much, your life is inherently beautiful and valuable regardless of what other people might think. Life is composed of many small joys, the tragedies always seems small in hindsight, because those little joys are what make life beautiful. The sun will always rise again. Beauty will save the world. Some people have convinced themselves of their oen helplessness, they’ll blame everything except themselves and easily become overwhelmed, all the while only concerned with their own feelings and needs - everyone else id an accessory. That’s your sister right? That’s a lot of lains on hum too unfortunately. I’ve dealt with these issues myself from some of my sisters. The best you can do is set clear and healthy boundaries and expectations. And give your mom a break. Your sister is already convinced the world is against her and will make mountains our of every molehill so you may find threats of suicide or violence that they may actually attempt. They’re very sorry for themselves, it’s hard to get them to see other people or how those mountains are molehills, they may never, but have hope because they may. Maybe they learned to behave this way to cope with real issues they have. It’s good to be compassionate and try to find out what’s the root of the issue and how to help (she is your sister after all), but don’t forget to take care of yourself and your mom and don’t let her control either of you (yes, lashing out at her and any emotional reaction is how she will try to gain control over others because she feels she has no control over her own life. This is again, how many lains act unfortunately). Google “how to set healthy boundaries with a self pitying narcissist”. There’s lots of good advice out there to still be a loving brother without allowing yourself to be used. It’s probable that you need someone to talk to, these kinds of environments create a cascade of mental issues, so seek a therapist for yourself and your mom instead because that might do more good for all of you than trying to get her to see other people as people. May God’s love be with you, and every day of your life overflow with little joys. Amen.

whenever i see a soyjak i struggle to resist the urge to kill and take life.

>>74487 talking to people like you is like that situation in that marvel movie like when the Luke says "I am your father" and I'm like "oh noooo" :) because I never learned to explain my feelings and thoughts without analogies as crutches, my mind is a relational database without any forethought or reason, just "this makes me feel X therefore it's Y", you impersonate pic related

>>74493 stop resisting become who you were meant to be

>>74494 Indeed, anyone who uses simile is viced and vaxxed. Take the inform, use metaphor.

>>72998 Why do people online lionize self destructive behavior? Its like they see doing something harmful to yourself as a "challenge" that you are weak or pathetic for not subjecting yourself to. If I don't like certain things I don't like it. I know it is a cesspool, but I look at the people on 4chan as a good example of this. And this is true of most social media platforms. People spend all day subjecting themselves to agitprop and just getting angry for absolutely no reason while pretending to not be bothered. I fell into this trap a lot as a teenager and it just made me feel like a neurotic soykafbag all the time. Now I just look back and feel regret because I was sitting there arguing with strangers on the internet when I could've been doing something else - anything else. I could've been playing with my cat, or learning an instrument. But instead I was arguing with people I don't know over things that I don't have any control over. It's shameful.

>>74499 Playing with your cat or learning new instrument does not contain social interaction which is as important to humans as food. Social media are worst type of food, like leftovers from trash, but these scraps are better than nothing. Have you seen hobos flailing around near dumpsters? It is all they can get

I've been trying to make the switch to Linux but I'm so autistic I can't pick a distro I like and hate all the desktop environments. I end up wasting all day on vbox or trying out different DEs.

>>74502 just use gentoo with i3 there problem solved no need to thank me

>>74502 You don't need to use any Desktop Environment if you don't want to. You can always use a WM (like IceWM or i3/Sway). If you can build packages on your PC, then Gentoo might be the answer, as the other poster said (the Portage package manager automates it). But I recommend Void Linux otherwise (i.e. when you can't or don't want to build all packages from source).

>>74497 Here's a (You) that you crave so much, you fatherless girly gurl >>74496 I wonder how they came to lainchan, is all. >>74499 It's a cry for help and desire for attention wrapped around in arrogance of being too high and mighty to ask for help. >>74502 that's not autism, stop trying to make yourself feel more unique and special for wasting your precious time

>>74502 I was the same as you. I kept distrohopping trying to get the perfect setup. Truth is, there is no perfect setup and in the end linux is what you make of it, you literally have control over every detail for you to set up as you will. In my case I kept changing my expectations because I had really nothing else to do and no definite goal or workflow to inform my decisions and to aim for. I finally ended up setting up a debian box for someone else and freed from my own changing expectations I could actually work on the details of the system instead of expecting some ideal distribution on which to build. The aim of a computer is to do something in it, not to have a perfect walled garden of sorts.

>>74506 >there is no perfect setup yes there is, its my setup. Its perfect. I distrohopped and wm jumped till I found it, then i fixed the configs and now its perfect. No one else can use my computer, but it makes perfect sense to me.