Reconciling the past after Recovery

Over a year ago, I had a nasty nervous breakdown (brought on by covid? vegetarianism? I don't even know.) which saw me disabled, having to take leave from university and take the summer off instead of getting an internship. I've since recovered all functional capacity and then some simply by focusing on my diet. I'm lucky enough that I could afford to take a break (and quality food), as it were. I am a much better programmer than I was then, I'm pretty sure. I can do more complex tasks in a more efficient way, and my supply of day-to-day energy is increased. So now I'm about to graduate from college (a semester early instead of two). I couldn't get an internship for this summer either, so I took up research assistance at the university, where I perform pretty well. But the fallout of this thing still rings in my mind, even though it's been over a year. I still have to explain to my more achieved friends that the reason I don't have multiple internships under my belt is because I was mentally ill. I managed to get my scholarship back at least (thank GOD) but I can't help but feel that I've failed my parents. And I can't help but entertain a nagging voice in the back of my mind saying that I have some kind of brain damage as a result of the breakdown and I'll never be a truly functional person, capable of working at a tech company. Even when I was depressed in the past I was pretty bright, scoring high on standardized tests and being appreciated by my peers. But I can't help but think that they are just unable to see past my literal big head to see the withered brain inside. How do I reconcile and connect with a disorganized past AFTER recovering from mental illness? I'm confident that I've recovered completely to the extent possible, yet I have a nagging doubt that the extent possible is overestimated by most. Sure, there are famous intelligent people who've recovered from or were plagued by mental illness, but I would be a fool to place myself among them. Many of them suffered actual brain damage (like hemingway), and I just... for no conceivable reason, really, became incapable of giving a soykaf anymore. Sorry for the disorganized post. Maybe someone understands.

>>72643 I’ve not broken down yet (as far as I can tell), so take my advise with a grain of salt. But, I think the only way to get up after a fall is to pick yourself up slowly, dust yourself off, and learn to walk again before you can run. You are not broken, you have inherent worth whether other people recognize that or not, and you will be the arbiter of your own life. So roll yourself out and take things slow, and be who you want to be!!

>>72648 I thank you for your comment, but I ask this site precisely to get a straight answer beyond the standard platitudes on the subject. I strongly believe that people do not have inherent worth. And what if I am actually broken?

>>72651 The apathy you’re feeling is a mental fugue/remnant from the breakdown, but it will pass if you take small steps to get out of your head and reignite the sparks of your now smouldering mind. I know you’re not broken because your mind did and is doing exactly what it needed/needs to get through traumatic events. Remember that the fuzzy emptyness is just a feeling and will pass. In the meantime, you tell me: why did you choose to be a programmer? Where do you want your life to go from here? Are you more afraid to fail or to try? And what makes you happy?

>>72652 >why did you choose to be a programmer Honestly? Getting into Minecraft as a babby. Before then I wanted to be a biologist. Maybe being able to effectively treat my own mental illness metabolically reveals my remaining biological bent. >Where do you want your life to go from here It's very important to me that I get some kind of programming or tech job so I can be financially independent from my parents, maybe move in with my girlfriend. I've been interviewing and applying but haven't had much luck. I interviewed today for a part-time programming job at a startup, to do while I wrap up my degree. The interview went well, but I don't put trust in my evaluation of the interviews anymore. >Are you more afraid to fail or to try I'm more afraid to fail. I've been trying pretty damn hard since I've gotten well. I attach self-worth to my ability to code, and to my smarts. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I failed outright, I might shoot myself or something. I'm already so embarrassed of still being alive, maybe I would've been better off never recovering and becoming a drug addict or something. I've had a few minor failures and I don't mind them. That's probably a major source of the apathy. I am still hiding from myself and from what happened. It doesn't feel real and it's completely out of the blue from the model I had of myself, and especially the model that other people had of me. Every time I make small talk with somebody and they mention an internship I want to die. >And what makes you happy From a young age I've told myself that happiness is not important. I think I prefer "what brings you closer to God". The answer to that is programming, especially doing things that I'm completely clueless at and figuring it out as I go. That's such a rush man.

>>72651 You have framed your plight across a single access of "accomplishment" but what does that actually mean to you? What are your interests/passions? Do they actually align with what your idea of general success is? Reality is infinite across all dimensions; to isolate yourself to a specific mode of being simply for peer validation is a surefire path to misery. You are broken. Everyone is broken. You are perfect. Everyone is perfect. These are pointless appeals to abstractions that do not hold inherent meaning--only a pandering to ideals. To become invested in your own wholeness or incompleteness is selfish in the literal meaning of the word. Do not rob the world of yourself because you are caught in a moral crusade against your own body.

>>72656 Suffice to say that I would readily forget about the whole thing emotionally if I didn't attach it to professional trouble. I'm confused. What did it mean? How should I proceed?

>>72652 I meant to ask “Do you fear failing or NOT trying more?” >>72655 I’ll talk more later but a lot of what you’re saying is relatable. I’m not who I was, a lot has changed and I’m less human, but everything will be okay. So keep breathing, keep going, and keep transforming: I can keep growing a little bit every day, and I’ll live a meaningful life. Steer my life in increments. That’s the hope at least. It’s good to be optimistic. What I’m trying to say is: don’t sell yourself short. Your life has only just begun and there’s so much potential within you to do incredible things. Focus on what you can do and be great. I believe in you stranger!

>>72643 I don't think that I'll be able to give good advice because I am on a similar situation myself, though I can relate. I was 2 years ahead at some point (graduated early from hs, did well at college), but due to various things I'm now kind of on the same place as everyone else. I don't really care about this though, at least not anymore. At one point you just inevitably quit being the 'smart kid' and that's okay. You don't have to justify taking a break, it was your right, you can just say that you were tired and needed to rest for a while or something, or you can just be vague about it.

>>72660 >>72655 >>72659 (me) Situations are all so similar to mine. I think this thread will yield good fruits later. God bless you and talk to you much later, I got my own business to deal with.

>>72658 To me it sounds like you have probably been suppressing parts of yourself since you are convinced that everything unrelated to success can be disregarded. Result being burnout. You should proceed by forcing yourself to take more breaks, try to enjoy things unrelated to your career, and take on less work.

You can tell people that you were sick and were debilitated, if they ask for greater detail you can refuse, or you can say you had mononucleosis, maybe you really did have it, you said you had a nervous breakdown which makes me think it was stress, but you gave little detail. If you don't just let go of what happened and move on you're gonna slowly degrade yourself, you have to roll with it, otherwise you'll just crumble away. There is nothing to reconcile, what happened happened and it cannot be undone or fixed, or made up for in any way, and it just is the way it is. All you can really do is continue onwards with your given situation, you had a setback but it wasn't anything major seemingly, I would assume it hasn't delayed you from reaching your destined goal by more than a year or two at most which may seem like a lot but really isn't in the grand scheme of things. You said you have a girlfriend, I assume you also have friends and family which is good. You shouldn't push yourself too hard to try and make up for lost time either, it'll just bring you stress which will wear on you. The very thing that caused this event was stress in the first place. I've had the feeling of being brain damaged for a few months now, I don't know what exactly brought it on. First I thought I had CTE, then I thought maybe I'd had a stroke, or prion's disease, a tumor, or brain damage incurred by exposure to neurotoxic chemicals for an extended period of time in my life, or maybe my brain cell count was lowering as a result of elevated levels of CO2 in my bloodstream when sleeping at night as a result of sleeping in a room without airvents with the window closed, but I calculated the approximate volume of ambient oxygen that should be in the room, which was saturated enough to sustain a human being for over 24 hours, so I don't really know the reason anymore. There's definitely something wrong with me though, maybe it's mental and not physical. I've been isolated from the rest of the world which could be the cause, but I lived in seclusion for a while before, and I don't recall feeling this way. Either way you're far better off than me, you've actually begun living your life, and are in university. If you've made it this far I'm sure you can hold down a job. There's no way for you to know you couldn't handle a work environment. You have no way of knowing what you are and are not capable of without actually testing yourself, to do that you'll have to enter into a workfield. I would say that you should just ignore the voice in your head telling you you're dysfunctional but that is far easier said than done, I can't even do it myself. Try to hold yourself together, don't beat yourself up over what happened, and don't compare yourself to others, otherwise you hazard unraveling further which will make life worse, which will in turn make you feel lower. You could seek support from people in your life. What happened really isn't the end of the world. You'll probably have the chance to look back one day and see how meaningless this event was, if you even care enough about this period of time in your life in the future to reflect upon it. I doubt any of what I wrote will help you to be honest.

>>72655 >>maybe I would've been better off never recovering and becoming a drug addict or something. This was me, you lucky bastard. Please never suggest this again. That small bit of rage and jealousy out of the way, I'd say the best thing to do would be to keep focused on your career path. Ultimately, the only metric you have to measure yourself is your output. There's no better way to disprove this whole brokeness idea than providing yourself with evidence that you're capable. Just takes time. I'd also like to ask why you care so much about things that are mostly social signifiers (internships, semesters needed etc.). and maybe suggest comparing yourself to your peers a bit less. You sound like you're already in a position to be financially independent if your pride can handle anything less than a high-prestige tech job, and I'm sure you understand that these are poor measurements of skill/intellect compared to, again, looking at your actual output. Does it seem more objective to you? Are you under some external pressure you haven't mentioned? Why does it bother you?

>>72682 I think the main reason why it bothers me is the cost to my family. We're wealthy and can more than afford to feed me for a bit longer than scheduled, but it still gets under my skin in a weird way. It feels like I'm cheating.

I won't repeat what other lains said but i agree with most of what's been said. Recovery isn't hard, just gotta give yourself some time and compassion. You seem to be struck by an immense guilt, for your family and work. Things are probably much better than what your mind tells you, but attaching your self worth to productivity, or to some twisted honor, will only bring you misery down the line. Everything will be fine, try to have a good work-life balance and ponder (not obsessively) on where this anguish stems from, either by yourself or with the help of a professional. I've been there, had terrible psychotic breakdowns and honestly believed i would never be a functional human being. Gave myself some time and after hard work, introspection and care from myself and my loved ones, i'm standing in places i couldn't even imagine. Godspeed lain.

>>72643 Are you me? I too scored high on my standardized test and being in the same exact situation you are, people being unable to see the rot in my brain. I failed 3 semesters at university, but I can't bring myself to study efficiently again. I can pickup textbooks, any material fine, but my brain cannot process the info. For certain, I am a better programmer than I was 3 years ago, but I feel like I'm missing out on something. I know I can do a lot more, and I get that same feeling of rush when I discover something. I did somehow land a internship at a medium company, but I feel like the biggest imposter in my company. Simply because I lied on my resume about my skills and projects. I, now have taken a break from university, but I don't see myself at university for some reason. I feel like I will go through the failures again, and it will end up a nightmare for me. I will be seeing a psychiatrist in 1 month and 13 days and I'll provide what insight they provide.

>>72940 Wireless infrastructure and chemtrails leading to an accumulation of aluminum in your brain. Basically that simple. You feel like your brain is rotting and foggy because it is. The only way to make it stop is to stop all of this bullshit It's too late. I was the canary in the coal mine but it's not bad enough for the rest of you yet to spur a reaction. It's abd enough to feel the inner void and disconnect, but it doesn't hurt enough. So the best to move you is to make it hurt, make it hurt ina way you can't live with, make it in a way you'll never forget. I have trepidations wishing ill on others because it tends to happen.

>>72941 Would you be interested in making a discussion thread that provides guidance on protecting oneself against the harms of industrialization? I'm considering grounding my bed to protect against EMFs.

>>72942 Prior discussions were flooded with bots and other weird posters, then subsequiently derezzed. Honestly, I don't particularly feel like it anyway. From 2017 to probably early 2022 I was hyperfixated, but I don't really care anymore. I've delivered the info though. Hope it helps. More here if you want it. https://www.mediafire.com/folder/dj875cd10yb72/EMF The idea of a grounding strap (people put eg a copper bracelet on to sleep and connect it to a ground) can work. Ideally you have a matress without springs in it. Those eg silver and copper weave mesh nets people drape around the bed can work as well provided there are no sources coming from below. However it's not good enough (and never will be), because fact is even a short exposure to wi-fi or whatever, most of the effects are going to manifest over the next 12 to 36 hours. Likewise, cell phone exposure causes inhibition deactivation of DNA repair enzymes for the next 48 hours. Any "rest" your body gets at night and melatonin it produces is going to be wasted on cleaning up oxidative and nitrosative stress and its downstream products. It won't do anything it was supposed to.

>>72943 I am a bachelor that spends practically my entire day in two places: my workspace and my bed. As such, near-complete grounding is a possibility for me. Would this be sufficient to most negative effects?

>>72944 No, not even close. There mere fact that you have a body surface and have to breathe guarantees exposure to nanomaterials, and being grounded won't negate effects of irradiation.

>>72945 What are the religious implications of human beings creating capital compelling them to self-destruction? Maybe a leading question. It's just something I've been thinking about intermittently for the past few months. If you don't feel like producing a whole thread, a one-to-two-to-three sentence prescription for my original question, >guidance on protecting oneself against the harms of industrialization? would be much appreciated.

>>72946 Humanity was conquered and converted to an algae-bloom death cult milennia ago. It's right in the name "abraham". It started in ancient Egypt and always aimed to build humans up to the point where life could be exterminated because it is a necessary obstacle to God's plan.

>>72941 Schizophrenic derails OP's thread about getting over a mental break. Some things go full circle :)

>>72957 'This is psychological abuse. Reap what sow. braindead gutter trash.

>>72957 Meeting the problem of mental instability where it is, that is, at the level of structure, is appropriate, once the psychology of the thing has been sorted out. But it is certainly possible to overthink it. One should aim to become as resilient as possible against biological offenses, not resign to being a hermit, castrating oneself creatively, reproductively. Countless eminent men of science had episodes of poor health or poisoning.

>>72960 No, while what you're saying is correct, don't even respond to that dumbass. I provided a mountain of hard scientific literature backing up my claims. Don't play along with him, at all. You're validating his false internal reality. He has no basis to be saying anything he's saying, he's invalid, he needs to be ignored and feel invalidated. Even this is more words than he's worth.

OP has garden variety burn out, scavengers leap at the chance to take advantage of someone's moment of weakness to convert em. Tale as old as time.

>>72963 OP here. I do not believe in burnout and did not before my posting this, which is a distinctly modern phenomenon. Sure, burnout is real and must be negotiated, explained. But its root cause is dysstructure in the brain and body, not working too hard. Addressing my bodily problems as just that is what has enabled me to recover at all, and allows me the luxury of asking the aftermath cleanup question.

>>72963 >Oh look, I'll just frame things in terms of proselytism and "misery loves company" predation to have a paralyzing effect >I'm totally not doing this so that they'll gradually drift back to where I want them >I'm the only one who [is unbiased and has the truth and other people's best interest in mind Yep, you're manipulator. Congrats. OP, feel free to follow this guy back into the dark. Your life, your problem.

>>72964 >which is a distinctly modern phenomenon. the name is modern but I do not believe it is a new thing at all. >But its root cause is dysstructure in the brain and body, not working too hard. Well yeah, you could say that about practically anything. The only thing working too hard does is make you tired. But being constantly tired _and experiencing self-doubt_ makes burnout.

>>72966 Evaluating burnout as a problem of mindset is frankly much more schizophrenic than your accused schizophrenic's outlook.

>>72967 I have not called anybody schizophrenic. >Evaluating burnout as a problem of mindset It's a problem of working very hard for something and realizing you don't want it. You can call that 'mindset' if you want.

personally burnout isnt a matter of working too hard intellectually at least (physical labor is different game). I've done 12h for over a year and was fine while i enjoyed making good progress. Burnout happened once progress stopped. Then you start doubting if its worth or if it's futile. Hopelessness is what destroys all motivation. Also based on self experimentation no exercise = no motivation. Just 30min daily vs doing nothing whole week is huge. Without exercise i go faster astray towards distractions instead of keeping focused on work whenever problems occur. I believe it works because exercise provides stress relief according to medical publications and an increased stress limit would naturally allow you to work longer before you hit your limit and stop.

>>72643 > I can't help but entertain a nagging voice in the back of my mind saying that I have some kind of brain damage as a result of the breakdown and I'll never be a truly functional person, capable of working at a tech company. No need to worry about that OP. The bar is very low for tech, and if you're connected you can even have no actual ability to get any work done and still get promoted over your more competent peers. From the sound of it you actually are somewhat competent so you'll at least do average. Actually, you'll probably do worse as a competent but unconnected worker than you would as a brown-nosing networker. >>72964 lmao, do you have any idea how many of those industrial accidents in the last centuries were suicides lainon? Definitely a lot of them were accidents due to soykafty safety practices, but many weren't accidental at all. Soul-crushing misery completely grinding down someone from overwork is nothing new.

>>72988 Would 'kafkaesque' be the right word to describe the soul-crushing feeling of many modern jobs? I think these days it takes willfull optimism to survive the drudgery...