(TL: DR Warning and sorry for the phone post)
It only seems so relatively recently in life where I possess a certain degree of peace(2022-2023) in life. Before hand, I have had a relatively troubled background and with me possessing a certain consciousness of my life, I ask myself why was I just so abhorrently aggressive in not only my surroundings, but to other people. I’ve slightly made peace with the past as all of that is relegated to pedantic memory which is hard to recollect, but one thing that I keep on seem to see in my own my mind that I had altered my own fate/destiny. I believe in free will to a certain degree and with me having OCD, I have a tendency to focus on singular problems, yet I have to ask what was really the source behind my emotional disturbances and other soykaf I want to leave out.
My relationship with both parents and a sibling have always been rocky. I have gotten kicked our of my house before and while the last time I was kicked from my home was in 2019, I do remember being sent out of my home in 2006-7 ish once I moved to my new home. It seems like my mind is purposefully leaving out certain details to not make me become livid, yet there always seems to be some missing element. Other issues I have had would be violent beatings, yelling, and berating from my parents in haphazardly assembled memories. One instance, I decided to choke someone for whatever reason when I was younger after something was done. This was never really solved until slightly in high school, but even then, there were a capacious amount of issues then. Not only do the rather violent memories concern me, but the development of strange and rather bizarre behavioral patterns that became part of a routine. I’m not disclosing much as I’ve done much to curb and even remove it, but I just want answers at this point. Even if the truth may not be what I want.
I finally have obtained a sense of reason, self, and even intuition that I never really had before. I’m not perfect and my living situation isn’t better, but I definitely do feel like I have narrowly avoided a bullet(.308 FMJ as I liken it) to the chest. I don’t need to cower every day or really expect some reprisal, yet I’m kind of concerned about the fickle nature of my life. I have neurological issues that really distort my sense of space and really where I am, so it might play a role. I want to be happy finally and do my hobbies in peace, maybe even forgive the abysmal parenting I had received, or even find a girlfriend with similar interest, bur there is something I know on an intuitive level that things may not be they seem.