/vent/ #36

Did no one start a vent thread? Last vent thread has reached it's limit. This is a safe space , vent out your frustations.

>>69410 Its culturally more acceptable than ever to quit. Some people are looking for legitimacy in addictions and mental illness for giving up.

>>69410 It's probably has something to do with their upbringing. You really can't escape your parents. Even if you rebel, you do the opposite of what they wanted, not go sideways. They set the basic parameters you view your life through. And if it turns out that you're on the lowest step on the ladder In their system? For example you have a mental illness in the family that doesn't tolerate such talk calling it laziness or threatening to put you in an asylum if you don't behave. Even if you don't reveal it to them it drains you mentally. My parents still don't know I have a diagnosis. My partner knows, one of my friends knows, but they don't. I'm not sure I should tell them now, since I'm much more successful than I was when I found out, so they will probably accept it and over the years I realised that there were several people in my family that had issues so it's not an anomaly, but it is still a bit scary to bring up.

I'm becoming aware that somewhere I lost my way and was inverted. I used to create and contrive emotional states and sequences, the drip feed them into the mind and body, and use them accordingly. If I needed something from the sad or mixed state, I would script it, enter it and take what was needed, then exit. In cases when I wasn't capable of that control I made sure things were at least dual use. Now emotional states are like sinks, I get stuck and they come about on their own. It is is because I am a walking corpse living on negative hope, my power source isa drive towards death and fulfiulling the criteria which will bring me relief, hoping I find the end in one way or another eventually. The idea that this will be over is what allows me to remain directed and with meaning despite being apart and essentially in a state of living death as a walking corpse circling the drain in Hades. This has become unbalanced and too unearthed, now the need for relief (self soothing and compulsion loop) has ovetaken me. Rebuilding consciousness requires facing the past, which I have done, but it is still apparently beyond me to maintain the desire to face having to live a life. Still I guess it's gotten better. The emotional thing is the key. I find my emotions are creating me, not the other way around. That's what has changed and I don't know exactly how I crumbled and this came about. I partially blame prolonged phenibut usage, I think that soykaf really fuarrrks up your brain.

I've missed my friend for longer than I knew him. Was it a mistake to have met him in the first place given the pain that his loss caused?

>>69509 I'm on a similar place, but it was definitely, 110% not a mistake meeting him. we resonated on a lot of stuff and it was extremely nice and validating to meet someone with similar goals than me. you feel pain because you cherish his presence/actions. it is better to experience smth of that nature rather than staying "ignorant" to what it feels like

I fuarrrking hate politics, oh my god I fuarrrking hate it. I just hate all of it, I hate the people obsessed with it, I hate having to "pick sides", I hate how not picking sides immediately makes you the fuarrrking enemy of everyone, I fuarrrking hate how even the mere mention of it ruins any fuarrrking atmosphere or mood the room had previously, I fuarrrking hate how I have to essentially sit through either a fuarrrking screaming match with no end or resolution in sight or just be forced to just fuarrrking smile and nod along and pretend that I care (which I don't)to some deranged fuarrrking rant or sermon or whatever. I hate how it consumes people's lives and souls and spirits, and preys on their impressionable minds. I fuarrrking hate just how many people it's managed to corrupt. I fuarrrking hate how complaining about politics immediately makes people assume that you're talking about one side and not the other, and the mental gymnastics they go through to assume that I'm somehow on their side or some soykaf, like everything I'm fuarrrking saying somehow doesn't apply to them or their side as well. I am not fuarrrking "agreeing" with whatever fuarrrking bullshit you're trying to grift, push, or peddle. I fuarrrking hate how it's essentially a giant rat race of "intellectual superiority and moral heroism" for people with nothing else going on in their lives, and that these people don't know that they're being manipulated and groomed by people who honestly couldn't give half a rat's ass about them. I fuarrrking hate how people use it as a justification and excuse to perform the awful behaviors they do or say the awful things that they say like it somehow makes it fuarrrking better or immediately absolves them of wrongdoing in the first place. I fuarrrking hate how it's divided us and keeps dividing us. I fuarrrking hate how it's made the average fuarrrking person fuarrrking insufferable and impossible to talk to. I fuarrrking hate how the people on either side don't realize how fuarrrking hypocritical they're being, and that they both essentially act the fuarrrking same way, but with soykaf mad-libbed around. You're both genuinely fuarrrking awful people, no matter what side of the fuarrrking fence you lean on, so shut the fuarrrk up. I fuarrrking hate how people in politics cannot shut the fuarrrk up about politics (yes I understand the fuarrrking irony here with me making this stupid fuarrrking rant). I fuarrrking hate all the awful things politics has enabled over human history. God I just hate it all, just all of it, and if you really have to ask, yes I have a political stance, it's called "I don't fuarrrking care, can we please talk about something else, something genuinely interesting or not interesting for fuarrrks sake, if you can't talk about literally ANYTHING else, then shut the fuarrrk up and get out of my goddamn sight you brainwashed cultist". I don't have anything to fuarrrking prove, I don't have some fragile little fuarrrking ego I need to protect, I don't sit in some ivory fuarrrking tower with some pompous derisive holier-than-thou attitude, no pearl clutching, bible thumping, fist shaking, fuarrrking whatever. Just fuarrrk politics.

>>69509 Nah man. You liked the mf and if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else.

HOW DO I GET A REFUND ON MY DEGREE I WANT TO SEND IT BACK I DONT WANT THIS. HOW CAN I PROVE THAT I DID NOT MEET REQUIREMENTS BUT WAS ALLOWED TO PASS THIS ISA. RESOECTED STATE SCHOOL I didn't learn fuarrrking anything. There was supposed to be a final project and test but they went way way was easier on me than other students. They even allowed me to cheat on the test. I want a refund. At least a partial one. I even plagiarized my project because I straight up have zero knowledge for my degree. I want a fuarrrking refund

Feeling a lot of anxiety these days.

Feeling anxiety is my default state

>>69602 Hope it gets better for you anon. This imageboard is such a life saver , I can vent here anonymously.

>>69603 Interesting. I almost posted a passive and lightly mocking soykafpost like "pwned", but stopped myself realizing I had begun to uptake mindless banter related behaviors and was simply polluting a space with the very thing I had always hated.

>>69605 Hey, it's not too bad. The ability to notice incongruity between your beliefs and actions and to correct one and/or the other is very valuable. Personal growth and community growth is impossible without it.

Sometimes I wonder , if there was no law and regulations, what would I would have done? My mind immediately went trying to get sex from minors Idk man , all these intrusive thoughts. These thoughts came when I was searching living life unapologetically. *sigh* fuarrrk man , I thought I conquered my OCD and demons but yet here they are.

I'm tired of being nagged and judged by everyone around me. I just want to be left alone. Its not fair man. Everyone always wants to treat me like soykaf or fix me. I'm so sick of this world

>>69607 This sounds sort of like those Christians imagining they would commit all sorts of cruel and evil acts if the rule of God wasn't holding them back. It's natural to be afraid of your own actions and sexuality, but a fear doesn't equal a desire. When I have intrusive thoughts (self mutilation, incest, etc), I think it's best to interpret them like a dream, where the shame and pain they elicit make them the most accessible and convenient symbols for a more abstract tension and mental disharmony that needs exploring and addressing. Also worth thinking honestly about how you feel about the acts in question, fears aside. I think a lot of the time there's not really much there, and the real conflict is around the sheer weight of strongly enforced external restraints and wanting that discomfort to be lifted, rather than wanting the actual thing they prohibit in itself.

>>69610 > It's natural to be afraid of your own actions and sexuality, but a fear doesn't equal a desire. When I have intrusive thoughts (self mutilation, incest, etc), I think it's best to interpret them like a dream, where the shame and pain they elicit make them the most accessible and convenient symbols for a more abstract tension and mental disharmony that needs exploring and addressing. Yeah I am aware of my intrusive thoughts not being a reflection of my desires but here and there it comes and just gives me so much anxiety. I am trying to handle it. Are you christian if you don't mind me asking?

>>69624 Nope, lifelong atheist. Hope your anxieties diminish.

I'm a man who's anorexic. Yeah, a man. What kind of stupid fuarrrking pansy am I to care about stupid bullshit like weight and appearance? I'm not even fat or anything I'm 119 pounds and still I can't bring myself to eat more than like 800-900 calories a day. There's people starving without any escape from that hell all over the world, hell I do my best to help when I can, and my dumbass cringe ass self still intentionally starves myself even though I have more than enough money to eat healthy. And I self harm. Cut, burn, bit my skin till it bleeds. That's some cringe ass little kid soykaf and I know it is but I still can't stop myself from doing it. My knuckles look like I've been punching bricks from biting them so much and I can't stop. Sometimes the wounds ooze thick white puss like some sort of soft pimple, probably because I'm using my teeth which are some of the dirtiest things on your body. No one sees my cuts or burns because they're in hidden places, but even then I see myself when I shower and these scars that will never go away and feel so ashamed, so why tf can't I stop myself from doing this stupid soykaf? I'm more ashamed of my eating disorder and my non suicidal self injury than anything else, and I know it's sinful and wrong, so that just goes to show how absolutely weak and pathetic of a man I am. I'd say don't start doing any of this because it's hard to stop, but why would anyone in their right mind start? It's cringe, it's immature, it's unhealthy, it's painful. Do I just want attention? I try to hide it from people but here I am whining about my first world problems online as if someone's gonna pat my head and give me a sucker. Idk, sorry for all the filtered words I'm just being a silly goose.

I'm tired of barely ever feeling anything except vague impressions. I'm tired of feeling delightfully melancholy and then losing everything when I cum. I hate it. How do I become a more emotional person? Even if it's to my detriment? I need to turn my life into art.

>>69626 I know it's self explanatory but it's really high time for therapy for both you and me, lainon, and I don't have it as bad as you do. No meds or asylums, just talking. Anyway, could you go into more detail with your esting habits? Do you live by yourself and cook for yourself? Do you have a partner? Are you constantly concourse of the food that you eat and the caloric intake of each food item? I have some suspicions about the neture of your ailment but I'll wait for a response is you want to talk about this situation. Just tell a bit about your eating habits and how they came to be, maybe a little about your childhood and current situation, your hobbies and occupation. That's usually enough to spot some pressure points. I'm not a therapist but I myself have a disorder and some people I know who do and so I had a lot of experience dealing with this plus I have some academic knowledge on the subject.

>>69628 I usually consume mainly protein shakes, 300 calories in the morning and evening to make my antipsychotic meds work. I don't cook cause I can't cook. If I get hungry throughout the day I usually eat cucumber since there's only 30 calories in a whole cucumber. I drink a lot of coffee and smoke a lot of cigarettes because they have basically no calories and suppress hunger. Sometimes I'll have chips or something but I have to do math to figure out how many calories are in each chip. I log every calorie. Idk exactly how my eating habits came to be this way. I was always bordering on underweight but just cause I wouldn't get hungry. One day I started getting hungry and gained some weight, and I freaked out so much that I started basically starving myself and I guess it went from there. I didn't realize I took pride in my low weight until it wasn't low anymore. My childhood was silly I had my first sexual experiences between the ages of 2 and 5. My hobbies are mainly just like browsing the internet and reading. My occupation is I work at a gas station. Hope this answers your questions. Also what is this disorder you have that you speak of? (if you don't mind me asking)

I feel creepier than I probably am. I had a girl straight up tell me I look like my brother if he were casted as Edward Scissorhands(pic related). Fat lips, baggy eyes, pale skin, thin frame. The only difference is I comb my hair, got eyebrows like caterpillars, and dress exactly how you'd expect from classic american west coast white trash back when grunge was still cool. She said it's a compliment. I've also been described as "dark granola", "edgy geek", all of which were also "compliments". HERE'S A FUN GAME. Anybody who's read this, reply with a guess on what kinda guy I am, based on nothing more than these descriptions and the fact I visit this website maybe 3 times a week.

>>69634 People seem to be creeped out by me as well, so I feel ya. It used to make sense because I was an edgy emo kid who was trying to be creepy, but now I wear like formal clothing the kind you could wear to a church, but people seem to think I'm creepy still. I guess I rock and pace a lot cause of my meds, but that's not uncommon I don't think. Also my eyes go a little wide sometimes but not all the time. But really, I've learned to not care what other people think about how I look, or how I think about how I look. I dress for modesty and comfort, no need to invoke pride.

>>69634 If she told you that you look like Johnny Depp it doesn't matter what movie it is, you need to nail that board down famalam.

>>69631 It's bypolar disorder type 2 for me. Long depressive episodes (about a month or 2) broken up by hypomania episodes (about 1 to 2 weeks) where you feel like the king of the world and have the urge to act like dick to everyone and your thoughts race like you're on speed intil you burn out and turn into a husk. Then that will go into remission afterwards for some time to come back later. Hopefully it will stay that way and not turn into type 1. In that you have actual mania instead of hypomania and attack people and stuff, people talk about dangerous beasts living inside them as a teenage delusion but I have to be mindful of the fact that I can one day just actually say "I am the bipolar! type one!" and then type every one around me to a wall. Well, not likely, I'm really mindful of my anger mostly out of health concerns and not wanting for my close ones to be hurt by my outbursts and... Well this type of neurodivergent activity that facilitates jumping from the lowest pit of depression to a self induced high puts a big strain on your body and you are expected to have a heart attack by around 40 to 50. I have a lot of people that had heart issues in my family and have a blood disorder (erythrocytosis) on top of that so yeah. I would recommend you listen to this podcast and/or read the book the guest mentions that he wrote https://youtu.be/OaeYUm06in0 Other than actually getting help, which is hard I know, I'm also not as far along that path as I should be, Bipolar is associated with resistance to treatments obviously, I would recommend you entrusted your food consumption to someone else who would not disclose the caloric profile so you wouldn't be able to measure it. Obviously checking your weight every day is a bad idea too. If that's too much at least try to get some vitamin and mineral supplements. No way you're getting enough of the full protein, healthy fats and other nutrients from what you eat. It's a health hazard not in the way of starvation, but in the way of nuking your immune system.

I'm just now realizing that if my current relationship goes south, I'll probably never actually find true love, and I'm not sure if it's disturbing or not that I've accepted it. Maybe it would help if I gave some context. I'm almost 30 years old; I'm a gay man. I've tried to like women, but it's never worked. I've never been the typical type for gay men or ordinary men. I still live with my parents, although I think that is more of an economic thing than anything else. I've always been a little bit odd and not in a socially acceptable quirky way but in a way that makes people anywhere from slightly uncomfortable to downright disturbed. I have a far stronger physical attraction to men that can't possibly exist, or even if they did, I'd never be able to get a date with them. It's already bad enough that I'm a homosexual; that in and of itself feels like a curse most of the time, and I know that's unpopular to say out loud, but it's how I think. Somehow, by the grace of God, who I don't believe in, I managed to find a boyfriend, but he's on the other side of the world, having more significant problems than mine. So I keep quiet; I hide what's happening because I don't want to seem like I'm not weak and effeminate. I realize now that I probably was meant to be alone. By some cruel fate, I wasn't attracted to women, and I'm not attractive to them. People call me "self-hating," but my better question is, why wouldn't I hate being like this? Sometimes I just wish I was normal. I won't say straight or heterosexual because that makes it seem like something other than usual. I'm fully aware that I'm the mutation among society.

I spent six whole years trapped in boarding school and, when I do occasionally go home, deal with a batshit insane religious helicopter mom who doesn't even let me listen to music or be in the same room as a girl. Now that I've finally finished, I thought I'd finally get a break but no, I have to stress about getting into college now. When do I get to take a break? I feel like I deserve one.

>>69659 Anon, I know this doesn't make sense now, but from someone with a buddy in a similar situation, let me tell you that college will be more of that "taking a break" period than you may anticipate. In college, you have more freedom and explore interests your mom would disapprove of. If she's not being controlling about your major, find something that genuinely interests you , but also be realistic, have something as a backup for a minor, for instance. There is nothing wrong with majoring in something that isn't a STEM field. Believe it or not, people get into places like medical school or law school with degrees that aren't prelaw or premed. College isn't just about academics and studying, but it's also about discovering who you are as a person. Good luck, anon!

>>69658 As a straight man from a very conservative country I say you're not a mutation. Homosexuality is perfectly natural and is present among many species of animals. It's obvious that you are this way and it's not a delusion. Ive experienced a long distance relationship once and it wasn't pleasant so I'm generally not very for it, but it does work sometimes for a year or two. I would recommend talking to him about whether or not he wants to hear about your personal feelings. For me hearing some of my friend's probls was actually kinda therapeutic since it put things into perspective plus it wasuch easier if we tried to brainstorm each others problems due to the outsider perspective being a better representation of reality.

>>69662 I don't think there's any basis to assert homosexuality is natural. Animal behavior is highly malleable. Some conditioning has to occur in certain developmental windows to stick and be propagated forward, but even after that crystallization is not complete. I really despise this "homosexuality is natural" narrative. Not only is it extremely shallow, it ignores that for any functioning brain homosexuality is disgusting. I feel bad for them. Something happened and they need assistance, but the work has not yet been performed and properly synthesized to trace out the various branches that can be at work and how to reverse or otherwise depattern them. There are early childhood, environmental, gestational, and other factors. Parasites in the brain are a strong possibility, as is genetic susceptibility to endocrine disrupting metals. The mouse utopia population density dependent birthrates and behavior stuff only offers a set of correlations and a description, rather than an explanation. I don't think it's natural. Even if it was, it's not good.

>>69662 >>69664 See, this is the thing; I appreciate it when people (especially men) try to be supportive, but based on what I know, it falls flat. Men react to seeing two men kissing the same way they see rotting meat or maggots. I know it's not natural, and it's an abomination, so I guess it's fortunate that I have such a reclusive nature. I know where I am in the grand scheme of things, and I think it's arrogant at best to say I'm anything other than an abomination or aberration; at worst, it's downright offensive to propose who aren't mutated or deformed in some way.

>>69666 Look, lainon, this is just plain not the case everywhere in the world in every country and community. Just look at Thailand and their relationship with this. Look at Achilles and Petroclus from the Iliad. This aversion to homosexuality is mostly Judeo-Christian in nature (let me disclose that I am a baptised person with Jewish heritage although I don't practice the religion) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals I'm a biologist. Living things are very malleable and there are many reasons the males or females would engage in sexual behaviour that will increase or stabilise the propagation of their genes. >>69664 You're not helping, man. Just because you don't like it, you shouldn't make other people's lives miserable. Mind your own fuarrrking business to what people do in their bedroom. I don't really like people kissing on the street period, don't matter to me if it's MM, FF or FM

>>69666 Checked. All I'm saying is that by any reasonable metric of a healthy and fulfilling life (personal) or an external organizing principle in the form of nature's intention or whatever, it's not natural. I think all these quasi-molester creeps who shpw up saying "it's fine man, it's natural you're fine, just you be you, do whatever makes you happy, I accept you however" are borderline abusive. Lack of feedback is one of the most profound forms of covert abuse. I am telling you like I see it. As I'm sure you know: -Homosexual relationship cannot lead anywhere. They're dead. Sterile. -Homosexuals cannot start a family. They have toa dopt or use a surrogate. The process of unity of opposites, merging to create new, etc is disrupted. -Their behavior disgusts others, even if overt experience or display of that disgust is culturally conditioned out. -Homosexuals for whatever reasons have a high rate of fetishism and paraphilias. This implies their brain is malfunctioning or it's unable to be satisfied, so you have hypersexual diffusion into all areas of life. Unchecked and unregulated libido. No sink. Because it's all being applied to the self, autoerotic symbols projected onto others. Trying to find self apart from self. Or trauma reenactment from prior abuse, physical or psychological. You know, whatever, it just goes on. You know this. I would say the same thing to a straight man that is an autogynephilic or is hypersexual in some other way, or is prone to sublimation int he form of creating internal fantasy worlds to the point where they have issues in their life. Denying people honesty is wrong. Homosexuality, in some cases, may be treatable for those that want it. The assertion and taboo around it being genetic or "born that way" or "natural" is a barrier to this, it has to go. It's tied in with a broader "do what you're fuarrrking told and don't ask questions, truth is whatever I say it is and you're going to accept and tolerate it" trend which encomapsses everything from genetic determinism of diseases in medicine to various behavioral aspects. It kills the society from the inside and maims both the social ecology and everyone in it for life. It serves no one. Lastly it's not like I hate you or something. I do hope you find a way to become whatever you think you need to be. I will say though that I absolutely hate the pride flag. 6 colors, pride month is month 6. Missing indigo, the throat chakra. Disgusting baby blue and pink added now. You know that surgical smell of disinfectant, pain, and cut flesh? And that sardine oil-like interstitial fluid substance that comes out? And the gross sickly smell of wounds, trauma, and decay and your body can almost feel their damaged tissues screaming in UV and ultrasonic signals? I experienced this going to an "animal rescue" place with a bunch of fresh catches they'd just got done genitally mutilating and chopping off half their ear. Never forgot it. When I see the pride flag, I smell and feel that, combined with poop and urine, and the vague outline of a mass trauma reenactment in plain sight. It really is like brightly colored bait for children. Like an ice cream truck. Jump in kiddo, don't listen to your parents rainbows are great, let's go be rainbow warriors together! *slam* Disgusting, NPCs hang it everywhere.

>>69669 I'm curious, why do you think homosexual relationships can't lead anywhere?

>>69669 I've tried to cure myself of this; I have some severe mental issues, as well as some permanent body damage as a result. I had to get sent to the hospital because I wanted so hard to be normal and to be how a man should be. My parents tell me they're okay with it, but I know well enough to know they will never see me as a man. It truly stings. >pride flag My undeniable issues with the LGBT nonsense aside, I find the concept of being "proud" of something so trivial pointless. I'm fine being left alone by society; I don't need approval or acceptance. I'm content with not being targeted. >>69670 Homosexuals can't reproduce, so instead, they either need to groom minors or adopt or use a surrogate. Somehow I seem to be the exception to this, but I'm self-aware that I'm the aberration, not the norm.

i don't feel like typing it all out. i don't feel like i have any real integrity as a human being, any real personality or whatever. the things i used to think i was into and the things i identified with turned out to be "larping" so to speak, just wishing to be someone i'm really not. now i'm at a loss. i'm doing fine, i have a degree and a job related to my major, but eh. at this point i'm lowkey envious of people i find annoying and disgusting, weebs and art hoes and mcu fans and the like, solely because they're passionate about stuff. is this "growing up"?

>>69673 Do you think that the top priority in a marriage is to reproduce? Why is that?

>>69673 Yyes, in my opinion all of this stems from the polarization of states between "totally natural and okay" to "abomination and not a real man". If you simply view it as phenomena without all these external identity based pressures attached, viable treatments could be devised and effective models of common causes derived. There is really no need for you to be experiencing that level of shame and despair to the point where aggression is directed back onto the body itself. You're the inverse of other types of homosexuals that go on about and brandish how gay they are everywhere, every joke, every story, every everything is shoving in everyone's face they gayness and it's fuarrrking annoying. These types have turned their aggression outwards, to defend against it being directed back onto the self. Sexuality and aggression are linked, obviously. Same brain regions handle both. >>69670 I could outline all possible permutations and value systems to define what it is to "lead" to a "somewhere" vs a "nowhere". Instead I think it makes more sense for you to describe where you personally think it leads.

>>69676 >there really is no need to be experiencing that level of shame Isn't homosexuality inherently disgusting and shameful?

>>69674 You know those stupid dreams you have as a child? I want a full Lego room! I want a whole fridge full of ice-cream! Something cringe like that? Now you can afford it so do yours. Be grown up about this. Plan it out, allocate funds so it doesn't hurt your budget and go for it. Maybe when you're sitting among your Legos eating ice-cream while you're 27 (or your personal equivalent, maybe a giant teddy bear or an immaculate model of your room in miniature, go wild) something you can do an ultimate cringe and realise that it's was actually childish sisnerety that was missing

>>69677 Why bother? What are you going to use that shame and self disgust for? Just loop endlessly like a mother smashing itself to death against a light? Whatever is going on for you, after you've seen and gotten what you needed out of self hatred, existential terror, and regret, it doesn't really serve you to stay there.

>>69679 >a mother smashing itself to death against a light? Freudian slip. Moth* obviously.

>>69681 > A mother smashing itself to death against a light As a rural frenchman, this expression made perfect sense to me considering all the other dumb soykaf I grew up saying.

I've been holding onto some soykaf for awhile and after realizing how it's been affecting me I decided to try and let go of it. I can't be upset over the crap I've done forever if I want to live my life. That said I don't know what comes next for me. I have ideas in my head of a hobby channel and a different job but no idea how I'll get there or make the most of it. I guess when I've been stuck in my head in the same spot so long trying, anything new is scary.

>>69682 Not sure how to interpret, but alright.

>>69678 thanks for the advice, but i don't think it works. "it's fleeting" is the best way of putting it. to give an example, i built myself a new, well-spec'd pc a couple years ago after my old dual-core, 32-bit machine with 4 gb of ram i had for almost 13 years became unusable. were i happy? sure. but the happiness lasted for just a couple days, just short of a week, then it was business as usual. same would apply here. there are a bunch of things i wanted as a kid that i never got to have or try, like the gamecube. do i still want to play mario sunshine? kind of. am i going to be overjoyed playing gamecube games all day? no. most games i played, be it retro or recent releases, lay unfinished and gathering virtual dust, because figuring out the primary gameplay loop is easy and wasting my time and energy on a videogame makes me feel almost physically sick (this sort of applies to posting on imageboards, but hey, at least i'm talking to someone). furthermore, it kind of misses the point. it's the disconnect between my "two personalities" that's making me uncomfortable. i grew up excelling academically, which earned me the title of the "smart kid", so naturally i held highfalutin stuff in high regard while despising your average joe who spends his weekends getting drunk or watching tv. here's the kicker though: i was never into literature or philosophy, i honestly hate reading, i hate using my brain, i actually couldn't care less about the academic world and science and what have you, i just regurgitated encyclopedia articles and analyses other people made, and it carried me all the way through school and college, and i fooled hundreds people in the process, including myself. i'm really below average in regards to genuine passion for intellectual topics. i can't focus, i hate intellectual challenge. essentially, everything i liked about being the "smart kid" was just the title and the impression it made. i like the whole image of a book worm, passionate about whatever, reading books all day, knowing everything about his area of interest, but if you forced me to read about the gamecube, its innards and video game programming, i'd rather kill myself. what i truly want from life is to coast through it with as little friction as possible, i want a small apartment, internet access and a job that doesn't have me busting my ass while still covering my basic expenses, internet and electricity bills mostly. tl;dr superficial joys are temporary and unimportant and also make me feel bad, since for the longest time i identified with this scholarly persona i made, when in reality i'm a slob without any real interests who just wanted to impress others. flood detected, post discarded. cheers, lainchan.

>>69683 Go for it man. I left the uni, got a job and stated a podcast in February and it's grinded to a halt after a second ep in march due to personal reasons but I'm honestly living my best life even though the world is crumbling around me. It really feels nice to get that mountain off your shoulders, especially after the second episode to prove it wasn't a fluke. I'll get back to it when I have time and I'm reading up on material to speed up the next episodes in the meantime.

>>69625 Thanks lain , hope your issues get resolved as well.

>>69652 cool podcast. sorry to hear about your bipolar. I'm schizoaffective bipolar type and I'm in a bit of a manic episode rn. Honestly I like being manic. I like the extra psychosis. I don't wanna trust my food consumption to someone else. I live alone I don't hang out with anyone and no one absolutely no one knows about my eating disorder and I kinda want it to stay that way. I know I shouldn't log my calories and I know I shouldn't weigh myself but I'm probably to far gone. I have ensure shakes and they have vitamins and minerals or something. Sorry if this is a ramble or doesn't make sense I just ate the 300 calories for my meds but in solid food and spent an hour slowly squirming around on the floor and it's hard to think. anyway thanks for your advice and all sorry about the bipolar peace be upon you my guy

>>69408 Why do I hate modern religion and my co-religionists but adore ancient texts and occult stuff? What is wrong with me?

>>69828 It's all right, lainon. I'm certainly coping with my situation better than most but I appreciate the sentiment. I understand the ecstatic feel of mania is great and you are a grown human being so you do you but I would suggest that genuine human companiship is really great in almost any situation. Maybe it is egotistic of me but I hope you survive and find peace of mind while alive.

>>69835 human companionship is cool but being around irl humans is blegh I just talk to ppl online it's helpful tho. the path of the hermit concealed by flauros B)

>>69832 Perhaps you would rather follow your own path than follow one heavily trodden, laid out for you by someone else

>>69832 Nothing at all. Popular things generally suck.

All those nonsense threads are so annoying. Threads about the occult, conspiracy theories, history that may or may not have truly happened. Endless navel-gazing, all of it. How do you people not get tired of this stuff.

Feeling really lonely today Want to talk to women , have some numbers as well but they usually ghost me so I don't want to message them cause I have dignity.

Every once in a while I get really lonely and right now im almost craving it. My family is supportive but they annoy me so much with how loud everything is. Work is like kicking dead whales down the beach as well with too much forced social interaction which I like at times but really want out of right now. There's a girl I've been talking to from work who's really into me and we had sex but she's overly attached and now I have to manage her responses as well. I'm so sick of her and girls in general I feel like there's no hope for anything worthwhile. When I get home and have free time I get on my computer I don't find anything enjoyable. No anime/movie interests, dont want to talk to friends, play video games or anything else. Im really missing the old days of highschool when things were different. I want to find an open field with literally no one in sight and just fall asleep under the sun/stars by myself. Thinking of going on a trip somewhere up north for a weekend for solo travel but don't know what I'd do or stay. Haven't gone camping before so worried about just taking a solo backcountry trip off the bat and what I'd tell people. Would probably have to say im going with a friend to not sound like a total weirdo and have them think theres something wrong with me which begs the question, is something wrong with me? That's all ive got to vent. I know Lains would probably understand me and have gone through similar so thank you all for giving me a space to exist.

I'm terrified of being seen on a deeper level by people i respect and think highly of.i cant read people and i usually feel like my existence is burdensome. most of my actions ,around people like this, are based on fear. like ill not say something because i think ill have nothing to contribute or that it wont be very interesting. my brain panics and i feel like if i say anything ill die or burst into tears. so i usually say nothing or the bare minimum. the only exception is when i see these people suffering or experiencing hardship, then i don't feel as intimidated because they feel human or relatable or something.i feel like because of this Ive spent most my life being around people i don't look up to or left most of the communities i've been apart of , so as to not feel this. while I'm sure most these people don't actually feel these ways, the emotions overtake me and crush me under their weight , and it makes it hard to interface at all.

>>69925 >There's a girl I've been talking to from work who's really into me and we had sex but she's overly attached and now I have to manage her responses as well. I'm so sick of her and girls in general I feel like there's no hope for anything worthwhile. >>69925 >There's a girl I've been talking to from work who's really into me and we had sex but she's overly attached and now I have to manage her responses as well. I'm so sick of her and girls in general I feel like there's no hope for anything worthwhile. Damn anon , I would want that headache , I so want sex but I got no bitches.

>>69914 You're just bored. Find something stimulating to do and it will go away.

I hate my fuarrrking life I'm miserable all the time, I want to kill myself All I fuarrrking do now is work, eat, and sleep. I have no hope of retiring early... My country is going down the drain, there's no money left. Scams and crimes everywhere. They're squeezing the people for every penny they can get, they're turning every job into slave labor and accepting high turnover so they can pay employees peanuts. I've wanted to die for a nimber of years. I've tried to cope. Relatively speaking, I have a somewhat alright job. But that just means that it can only ever get worse from here. I have a plan to do it quickly. Once a year, every year, we're handed some rifles with full-auto capability to shoot at a range. Every year, I get the chance to punch out and every year it becomes more tempting . Just sneak off to the toilets, load up, stick the barrel in my mouth. Die

>>69952 Thanks anon >body too short

my soul hurts

It feels like at the most important crossroads of my life, and this moment is decisive of whether I'll ever be able to be happy again, or even continue on. Throughout my entire life I've been alone, rejecting everyone and everything, including hobbies, passions and a will to live, more and more with each passing year, cutting all connections with the outside to alleviate the pain of never being loved back. Despite all the efforts, I've never been able to unplug myself entirely since being left alone - abandoned - has always made me tremble in sheer existential terror since literal infancy age. So i was cautious, fluctuating, distant, yet close, cold, yet warm, all while remaining an outsider, considered of never letting anyone to truly hurt me; for a while it went alright, I had friends and was somewhat happy, even. And yet, as everyone and everything I've ever loved or cared for from within the desolation of my distant, cold castle have been moving forward one by one, the pain and fear have been slowly mounting. I was abandoned. The shelter I've built to secure myself have turned into a tomb, and what I've feared the most have caught up with me, now in full display, polarising off of the walls of my prison. Realising what I've done, I tried to flee only to get hurt by the harshness of the outside, again; it was even harsher than I remembered - I've grown weaker over the years. The only way out was to let somebody in. So I began my search and it paid back. Or at least I believed it did. Both of us share a lifelong struggle of trying to break free from the creeping loneliness, of trying to be loved whilst dealing with it in a radically different way: I've been numbing myself, and she's been rigorously trying to connect. So as the pain grew larger, I went colder, and she went thirstier... I'm terrified at the thought of not been able to quench that thirst in the long run, especially when it comes down to sex since she said the connection it brings is important to her, and I'm borderline asexual. She's more open, adapted to roam the wilderness in her own search for home, and I'm not. And though she says she wants to stay, and I know she absolutely means it intellectually, should her heart command otherwise... she would leave... I've never allowed anyone to come this close and should she leave me, no - should she leave me for someone else - I'm not sure if I'll ever recover. I couldn't just let her go willingly and cope with it either, it's not the random sudden intimacy that I'm losing my mind over. She's... the one I've been searching for all these years - I know it, feel it, we both do. I don't think I'll be able to truly forget her. The walls of my sarcophagus have soaked in her scent beyond time. I'm so scared. I've never been this frightened. Letting her go feels like being buried alive in the quicksand of pain and despair; staying with her feels like watching your childhood pet die, forever leaving you, over and over, every day. I'm loat and just want to kms.

>>69983 I hear ya, Lainon. If you love Her, but your back into this relationship. Give it all you've got, since you have nothing to keep saving up your strength for, right? You said it would be over if she goes and while I think it won't be so bad, who knows, maybe it is for you personally. So put your back into it line your life really depends on it. I'm sure she had a lot of bad experiences with partners that are different from you in alot of ways since she chose to stay with you. This indicates that she really is willing to settle down I think. Relationships are hard lainon. There are plenty of people who had or even still have the purest of loved but just couldn't make the relationship work for some reason. Try to think of you two as a team, as a family. It's not easy at first, but then it becomes natural. And family doesn't abandon each other just due to some passion, right? If your partner likes sex, try to identify what is it exactly she likes about it. Often ladies just want intimacy and to hold each other and stuff, the actual sexual intercoirce is just a bonus for them and a way to entice men who are too insecure to be intimate without the sex. I was like that for a while, actually shuddering at unexpected touches. Now I love hugs and sex is not nessesary, honestly it's kinda of a hassle sometimes but this oxytocin boost is really great. Anyway, I would strongly advise you give it your best shot at keeping the relationship for many different reasons. 1) if you give it your all and fail you can move on. If you never tried you will always think about missing an opportunity. Have no regrets. 2) action is inherently much more therapeutic than inaction. 3) You care about her feelings too, since you love her , right? Think about the fact that she may feel similar things. Use the golden rule and treat her the way you want to be treated. She clearly wants this relationship to succeed so why not indulge her?

>>70007 Thank you. It means a lot to me right now.

i wanna kill myself i wanna be done with this whole dumb ass soykaf word's just not for me i can't think of any other solution and i really thought about it. im so tired

I wish I had real friends who actually understand, respect, and appreciate me. I'm always just stuck with these fake-ass "friendships" where I'm always silently ostracized or belittled in a way, whereas the others get treated like real people. I'm always the weird one, the one who's different, the one they can say anything about and think it's true. I just try to "bee myself" and be "real" and live life at my own pace and all that garbage, but where does it get me? Where does being honest and not hiding who I am do for me? I see now why people do dumb soykaf like "hide their powerlevels" or whatever, unless you lie and hide, you'll just end up like me. Yeah I like anime, yeah I like otaku things, yeah I play Japanese video games, somehow that makes me the weird one, the one they talk about in a mystified hushed tone. I'm always the "anime guy", the one they can't get over (mostly because they can't get over themselves in the first place), the one they associate with all the negative stereotypes even though I do not meet even a single one because they just can. Why does life keep punishing me for deciding to like the things I like? No wonder so many other anime fans become bitter, negative, anti-social, and vitriolic shells of themselves. You either shut yourself out, or attempt to retaliate. Sometimes in moments of weakness I think about doing just that, just throwing all of my ingrained good manners and what have you to the wind, and becoming what they think I am. If you're gonna constantly associate me with all of those things, that's what you're gonna get. So fuarrrking sick of every person I meet just not being able to realize that they're not in fuarrrking high school anymore, and grow up. So fuarrrking sick of their hypocrisy and their endless justifications for it, so fuarrrking tired of people just being stereotypical people. The worst part is the lies, the fake mask they wear, the grin they'll sport while saying or doing it all. If they were just outwardly horrible, it'd be fine because anybody who actually decides to get to know them will know what they're getting into, but no, they sucker you in. They promise you false hopes of community and camaraderie and good times, then when you get too close, you see the razor sharp edges to the teeth in their big toothy grin. So why don't I leave? Because I'm the best and worst person to have fallen into their trap, the one who will have absolutely nothing else if they leave. The one will be completely and utterly alone without their "company", the one who constantly dreams of leaving, but knows they can't. The one who knows that they can't survive alone, not when they've tasted what having friends was like, the one who's spent so much time alone already and doesn't want to go back to that, the one who spent the majority of their school-life being bullied yet never stopped wanting friends. Maybe I'm the one who's never grown up, despite all my self-awareness about my situation and knowing what the right thing to do is, I'm ultimately too weak and scared to do it. Meeting new people is impossible for me with the life I live now, I've just completely missed the timing. Out of college, making friends with co-workers is a bad idea and never works out, and my neighbors are an even worse idea. There's just nothing I can do but sit here and bitch about it all, like a loser.

I forgot to do something for my mom yesterday for Mothers day and she cried. I feel terrible.

>>70044 I forgot it too bro But fyi the French mother's day is on June the 5th!

>>70045 My mother ain't French

>>70044 The international mother's day is Sun, Nov 26, 2023 Prepare a surprise for her. That's what I would do

>>70043 Feel the exact same way bud, people really like soykafting on me for having different interests and knowing about weird things, I have no real way how to explain this but say for some reason I mention within context the story of a pedo or some disgusting soykaf like that, just because I did everyone looks at me weird like I'm the freak. I try to be nice to people and let them talk but what does that lead to? them cutting me off every time I want to talk about something I like. I'm in uni and I can say no one in my class is my friend, I also have no real friends outside of class. I'm sorry you're going through that, I wish you the best you can get through this, something that has been helping me a little is to make a schedule for doing things I like so I can focus on that more than the fact that I'm lonely or that everyone I know is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

I miss the days before wireless devices were near omnipresent. As someone who doesn't use them, doesn't really have prolonged close contact with them, that they're mind control devices is extremely obvious. They directly influence your brain activity and behavior. If I'm around them for 15 minutes to an hour, I begin to feel it and can notice the gradient. It's very clear. People say weird soykaf if you try to discuss it. Fixing this is going to be a fight for life.

>>70043 Put yourself in their shoes. You're a normal-ish person. Your interests include climbing social hierarchies, reproducing (or having sim reproduction with a rubber on), and making money. Wouldn't you feel a little apprehensive about somebody engrossed by literally fake, unreal, things, like games and cartoons? I feel your pain on "missing the boat". I spent most of my high school and especially my college years miserably depressed and agoraphobic, and this is where people meet lifelong friends, if they have any. I have a few good friends, but I feel like I could've met higher quality people if I was a better person. I think you should look at things in terms of incentives and game theory to understand. It's not evil, it's just rational.

>>70062 When someone is soaked in the psyops that run the world today, game theory is not only inaccessible, but also may push them over the edge.

>>70062 I'm grounded enough to understand that people have different tastes, that we all have weird things that we enjoy, that "normality" doesn't really exist, that having everyone like and dislike the same thing would lead to a boring world, and that treating people differently or wrongly solely on the basis of the things they enjoy being different from mine is wrong. I'm also affable enough to not shun, but instead try to at least engage the other person in their interests. There's making conversation, and then there's forcing the conversation to be about what you want it to be. There's acknowledging that some things can be weird in a friendly manner, and then there's the sneering or scoffing or less-than-subtle attempts at forcibly changing the topic. I put myself in their shoes, and I just can't understand the blatant mistreatment of everyone you deem "not worthy" for any motivation other than the validation and approval of those around you. It's not like being a "normal person" and being decent folk is mutually exclusive, yet I've only experienced evidence pointing towards the contrary. I could go on and on but you get the point. >>70049 It's good that you made a few real friendships, regardless of their character. You're a lot farther than I am. Unfortunately, I really enjoy sharing the things I like with other people, whether that be wanting to stream or host a game I like to a few friends or organizing groupwatches of my favorite shows with other people. The more I seclude myself, the more I start to think things like "man this show is funny, especially this moment" or "this part of the game is so cool, I wish I could show someone", so on and so forth.

>>70063 Wow ur so dangerous mister paranoid sociopath man Have you in all that unempathetic vitriol care to think that most of these people live and operate in system they don't fully understand, care for or support even tho their livelihoods are dependant upon it?

>>70062 Hey man, what exactly is a high quality person? I'm sure your friends are trying their best with what they got the life lottery. >>70065 Perhaps you should consider getting a partner that likes these things. I know it sounds unrealistic, but there are plenty of girls who grew up on some 2000s anime and manga all around the world. Videogames are a bit rarer, but if you count Sims then there's also plenty of girls that are gamers. The issue is those girls are also ostracized just like you and since it's not really socially encouraged for girls to proactively seek men for friendship and romantic relationships, they are feeling just like you with their friend group of girls that don't care about anime and streaming. At least that's my experience, if weren't set together as a pair for a practical part of classes and had to interact to finish projects I don't think I would have had my gf. Took a few years till she warmed up to the idea that someone might be actually interested in her and that she would like that. Despite my attempts she told me long afterwards that she just thought I was friendly basically until the second before I kissed her. Her disbelief in that someone was actually interested was that high despite looking quite attractive. Probably a bad idea to advise to raise the bar from friend to partner but that's what worked for me, she is basically the only person who regularly talks video games and anime with me. We watch stuff together after work sometimes and discuss games.

>>70062 the rationale of "normal people" if following majority for safety. The problem is perception is reality and sufficient marketing creates a false perception of what is majority opinion which then steers their direction. This is the root of the npc meme - people who lack personal opinion and merely repeat fabricated ones can be programmed into anything.

>>70067 I am too old for this. I have no classes to go to and no events to go to. The only single women I meet are absolutely terrible and just looking to hitch a ride on someone for purely economical purposes. Thats basically all relationships are at my age.

>>70065 You are wrong here. normal people exist. There is a huge difference. You just are already marginalizing the people who aren't normal. You don't even conceive of how they could exist.

why are people so mean? like mind your own bisnis you don't need to give your opinion on everything. if someone like something you don't that does give you the right to ridicule them and make fun of them just be polite man!

Recently went out for a friend's birthday lunch, I despise how much people care about their online presence, they spent the entirety of the lunch talking about what Instagram stories they're going to post after, what useless designer clothes they want to buy, which girls they'd wanna bang in which order. I like to ignore their subtle backhanded racist comments they make towards me, I shouldn't be ignoring them, but I do. I'm thinking about just fuarking off and leaving, but there lies the unavoidable anxiety of seeing them pass me, or the dread of sitting alone and realising they were the only people who talked to me. But the reason why I'm thinking of just leaving the group is because I realise they are the first type of the two types of friends one can have. The first is by circumstance, and the second is from a genuine connection. Maybe I'll pull the trigger and finally tell them to fuark off.

So tired of busting my ass for one dollar above minimum wage. I work on hot ass roofs everyday because im too autistic to apply to a grocery store, or some other significantly easier wagie job. Doesn't help that I have constant demoralizing thoughts in the back of my head screaming at me, saying "there's people younger than you making 1k an hour off superchat donos and all they're doing is exerting one percent of their energy talking to an internet chatroom, while you're making 15 bucks exerting 110% of your energy working in 90 degree weather :)))))))))". How the fuarrrk is it so easy for most young people to make major capital? I'll admit I never went to college, because I dont have the money for it and I'm afraid to socialize with people my own age, but Jesus fuarrrk. I dont indulge at all, all I ever buy is food and clothing. I need to get an ebt card or some soykaf, and as for the clothes... maybe dumpster diving would work. Its fuarrrking depressing that by the end of every month, I'm always left with 100-200 dollars in my bank.

>>70110 buy andrew tates real world online course for making money, I dunno

>>70111 >buy this course on how to make money le oxymoron face

>>70110 >so easy for most young people to make major capital? It's not and they don't, popular livestreamers are like famous actors or musicians, they do work behind the scenes and get extremely lucky while the vast majority fail. Economic mobility is in the toilet overall. >I need to get an ebt card or some soykaf, and as for the clothes... maybe dumpster diving EBT card is worth getting, thrift stores have very cheap clothes. btw my asphalt shingle garage roof has a leak, how can I fix it?

>>70114 >popular livestreamers are like famous actors or musicians, they do work behind the scenes and get extremely lucky while the vast majority fail its actually even worse, the "zero to hero" story is run by corps to viral market with people they put on contract and then grow into fake popularity. All the popular recent kids like beast belong to same company owned by mickey.

>>70067 Definitely, I understand that there are people on the other side in my situation, but the problem is finding them and meeting them in the first place. It's this fuarrrked up perpetuated (and sometimes, encouraged) downwards spiraling cycle of shunning everyone and hiding yourself away, setting up walls and defenses and coping mechanisms and stuff like that, and then wondering why you're so lonely and depressed. Worse still is when people set up a crabs in a bucket situation, where they say "well I'm never gonna be able to make any meaningful relationships, so no one else should either", essentially doing all they can to stop people from actually trying to move on and do something about their situation. Everyone secretly wants to be found, but no one is doing the finding, and when someone does try to find, they do everything they can to make sure that they aren't found. It only serves to exacerbate the situation further, and drives that knife of loneliness and isolation deeper and deeper into your heart. Nobody is willing to take that risk and make that step, and we all just sink a little deeper because of it. It doesn't help that years upon years of social ridicule, ostracization, and shame has essentially ingrained this kind of conditioning deep into our brains. I've noticed that a lot of people involved in my hobbies have kind of "internalized" being anti-social and introverted, like somehow being involved in this stuff just means that you're inherently those things, and that being involved will forever bar you from having any form of friendships or relationships or anything like that. They then just start avoiding any and all social situations as a whole, slowly forget how to interact with people because of it, and then just become virtually indistinguishable and totally alone. You never know if that person you pass by on the street or see sitting down somewhere is a massive fan of the same things you like, and we never do get to know, because we all put so much effort into avoiding everyone, including each other.

>>70129 Yeah, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and try to slip through the barriers around the person without tripping any traps. In my case it was asking for some notes for the thing and then inviting her to a bar to celebrate after completion. In this situation her feeling of insignificance and not deserving attention and nice things was overwhelmed by the duty to show up since she's very insistent on following obligations (like a literary demon with their contracts). Sounds shady and it is, but when you get 2 fuarrrked up people who have mind games with their demons you gotta be a little sly to get anywhere. I told her later and she is very much ok with it since we started dating afterwards. That story probably didn't really help directly, sorry. The ideas that life is complicated and sometimes you gotta really try and think strategically about this

Have you ever gotten a helpful advice on any chan whatsoever? Something that has actually worked for you when you tried it. Something that is not vague/ambiguous/hard to interpret correctly. Me neither. What is even the point of talking about your problems if nobody is going to help you unless they are: a) smarter than you; b) invested enough (either philanthropic or you pay them to help you); c) know enough about you so as to be able to understand specifics of your situation, because situation-specific advices work better than general ones. My depression isn't real, external circumstances that make me unsatisfied with life are though. >you can either cry about things you have no control about or you can be reasonable and work on things you can change Yeah, but what if I am not satisfied with options I have? What if someone has it better just because they happened to be born in the right place in the right time. They didn't earn it. They just 've always had what I would have to spend half of my life to earn. Is that so unreasonable to be outraged/depressed/fuarrrking seethe about?

>>70135 >Have you ever gotten a helpful advice on any chan whatsoever? Got actually relevant advice on naiver strokes fluid sim on quadchan. Like always in good tradition completely off topic.

>>70135 Imageboards are the reason I'm not a complete tool. They showed me what I could be doing where my environment did not. I'm very grateful that I began to use them.

>>70135 Some good scientific articles, some good recipes, some good life advice, some good X recommendations. Tons of funny or interesting pics, tons of cool stories, tons of weirdly specific porn. Pretty sure I found out about libgen and audiobook torrent sites from them. That's like Huge. I knew before, but you can also find out about sci hub and other article sources that circumvent paywalls. ... There's more that eludes me at the moment. There's a lot of you're looking. You are just being a bit too emotional. Humans are incredibly empathetic and our brains are fuarrrked by technology so much we can fall in love with a chatbot or Hatsune Miku for real. So I don't see how reading words from a contemporary human that is probably more similar to you than not since this is a niche board won't trigger an interest. I was a part of witness to many people who got some advice or even direct help from anons. The thank you and knowing that they are OK feel really nice, I think. Totally worth spending 20 minutes of your life to write something that you think might help. There are a lot of lost causes that can't be helped by a post on a screen, but you pick your battles. As someone with mental issues I don't blame people who lash out and sympathise. Even if I can't take the verbal abuse I try to just keep silent and not respond until I calm down.

My mom opened my door without asking and caught me jerking off. I think i have to move.

>>70145 I've been there, man. Weirdly enough, i've never had a full-on "parents caught me wanking" moment. I can only think of a few times anyone has walked in on me, and every time they just pretend like im not doing anything; hell one time, my mom walked in on me and didnt even change her expression, and asked me what I wanted for dinner. Did your mom say anything when she saw you in the act, or did she just immediately step back and walk out?

I had so many experiences during my time on this planet that I have a hard time connecting to anyone on a deeper level. Might be my arrogance or ego, but I just can't have a normal conversation with people.

>>70148 She just walked out. Today I am avoiding her. At least I get some comfort out of the fact that this is so common, and jerking off is alright, she probably masturbates as well. But now she knows what my dick looks like, it's so embarrassing.

>>70152 Bro she saw your dick on the ultrasound

>>70174 this may surprise you, but penises look different after a decade or two than they do when they're brand new.

>>70175 not yours

>>70152 >jerking off is alright, she probably masturbates as well. This is a meme they propagated to make everyone shamelessly masturbate, ie consooom.

>>70181 Jerking off is a time-honored tradition, pornography isn't.

>>70184 jerk off responsibly :)

>>70184 Ever heard of Pompeii or emperor Tiberius's villa? Or maybe Chinese literature with nephrite rods and golden gates? Maybe Kama Sutra? Almost every culture that's not Abrahamic (maybe not Zoroastrianism, I'm not sure) had some erotism in it's religious practices, some even had temples for the religious form of prostitution. As such, there was religious art and scriptures that were of that nature.

>>70189 Pornography is only a problem when it's combined with either atheism or an otherwise Abrahamic core to a culture's organization. Society itself is based on hijacking and redirecting the sex drive, libido. So in Abrahamic cultures which both actively and passively regulate the channels of libido, pornography is a very potent poison. There is nothing to check it.

>>70192 Augusus famously meddled in people's private affairs for most of his reign and some modern churches seem pretty ok with these things as long as you ask for forgiveness genuinely so it's not nessesarily Abrahamic stuff. What is the issue with combining pornography and atheism though?

>Hard to enjoy things now because was bullied for enjoying them years and years ago >Always a little voice in my head making fun of me whenever I try to engage in something >Can't enjoy the things I used to now because of it >Hard for me to do anything but the things I was "allowed" to like so to speak How the fuarrrk do I get rid of this? I want to go back to how I used to be

>>70201 Unconventional advice. You don't. What people think of what you do is valuable. Sure, there's a level where one should "not care" what others think, but here's the thing, that's true only if one actually knows better, as might be the case with an engineer defending an idea from a layman. NOT a teen defending his interest in gaming from his parents. If what they said is sticking with you, you probably know in your heart that they're right.

>>70135 Sameanon I hate challenges, I hate taking risks, I hate things that require constant maintenance (why can't I just do it for once and get the problem permanently solved), I hate having to constantly put effort into just keeping oneself afloat. Why things can't be just fine without me having to make them?

Yes, I am a degenerate nazi incel pedophile sociopath transsexual who you SHOULD be afraid of walking on the street. Yes, you SHOULD watch out for me so I don't rape your children and fuarrrk your wife. Yes, I will buttfuck you and eat your organs. You SHOULD be nice to me so that I don't kill myself. I AM mentally retarted so you should treat me nicely. I AM a white supremacist and you SHOULD be afraid of me. I AM a psychopath and you SHOULD NOT associate with me. You SHOULD kill/arrest me to protect yourself and others! Do NOT let me pet your dog, or else I will fuarrrk it in the asshole. No, I don't want to be your friend, I only want to fuarrrk you. Yes, I AM an antisocial unstable freak.

Those who spam IRC channels, can you please fuarrrk off and spam Discord instead?

>>70200 Jeez, thank god i'm not Christian and Christian ideas are slowly getting out of my system and asking for forgiveness due to my sex drive? God can go fuarrrk himself.

>>70232 Lots of people got dead bc someone couldn't keep their junk in their trunk, lainon. As if to spite dem Augusus his own blood be whoring around for centuries after and from that we still got the notions of depravity that Christians are against. In the backdrop of Tiberius, Calligula and Nero this appeal to decency was a novel and popular part of the marketing strategy. Not a as potent as others though https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_communism

I think my life is driven by nihilism

>>70260 I think your mom is driven by nihilism.

I pretty much fuarrrked my life over to a degree that i live with narcissistic sociopaths who want my own destruction because i refused to give them cash. Im actually a very good person but actually very tired of doing this soykaf anymore. They antagonize eachother and there own child for fun they fight and scream at eachother. I actually do hate it here but unfortunately i have no cash or a car. hell theyre so paraonid they have a camera in there own living room and there childs bedroom next to mine. One of them is a family member but i dont consider them family at all.

>>70264 Consider getting a job that provides corporate housing in another city. Yes that is essentially serfdom but it's better to be an economic slave rather than a psychological one It's not the best thing in the world, but it's a start. You can try to build a life from there

>>70266 Do you know where i could find something like this? Like what kind of jobs have this?

>>70268 Well, there are few different options. If you don't want it to turn into a situation where you're stuck at a job not to lose a house you can start with contracts that go for 2-6 months. Small towns in the north or somewhere remote that exist due to resource extraction, they usually need people to come in for all sports of jobs. Some companies are trying to integrate as much of their employees life in their hands as possible like companies in South Korea already do. Pretty dubious but if you get out in time might be beneficial to all involved. You might have also heard that Elon Musk Is trying to make his own corporate town and there already is one for Facebook/Meta, so it's something of a future for tech it seems.

>>70269 How bad do you think canning jobs are, like for tuna companies and other canned fish? So i sort of have a small list of options that are probably failures. 1 ive considered the military but the chaplin corps not the actually armed forces. Why? Because i rather not fight some useless war that doesnt even matter for society one bit. A chaplin cant fire a weapon its very illegal 2 Ive considered a church that would send me on a mission easily (despite not being christian) I know the mormon church is very lenient with church missions but itd take time 3 go back to living with my abusive uncle who chased me and my grandmother off probably not the best bet but sure why not 4 staying here which is the last thing i dont wanna do i already have enough here thats terrible 5 get student loans and live in some soykafty dorm for 2-5 years or whoever long it takes to get a career You can probably guess what 6 is

>>70270 I don't think joining the church if you're not religious is a good idea. If you're physically capable ships is a good idea, you would be physically and emotionally as far as possible from those people. Military is also an option, plus you get a scholarship if I understand that correctly.

Wow. For whatever reason (not really, I know why) I've returned to and become fixated on Evangelion, on and off. I just found something I made in third or fourth grade, and wow, highly narcissistic. I could practically read it in Asuka's voice, among others. That's interesting, as by the time I watched Eva the first time (16, 17) the only character I could relate with was Rei. And I had no recollection or conception of anything else. My memory is a series of hard lines. I really do feel like my mind has been wiped repeatedly. I'm just a clone with small fragments of someone else's memory. I found the Kabbalistic tree very familiar when I first encountered it. As a child I "found" a spot "in" my brain that I envisioned to be a dark black blob against a dark pink background. I felt it was with me, but not part of me. If I sent it numbers, it would hold onto them. If I gave it instruction regarding the inner world, it would carry them out. It is used to sort and structure memory. It is in the left hemisphere. On the right there is something I envision as a ball of light. It's not actually visible to anything in the inner world however. I can reach the fingertips of my mind and glance its surface, but it always feels out of reach. Connecting thinsg to it, or sending things into it, allows non-local control and scripting future events. It controls reality and self. So one controls the past (memory), one controls the future (events). One is the black moon, one is the light moon. One is the left side of the tree, one is the right. One is Boaz, the other Jachin. The concepts fit nicely. Very odd. The show Ergo Proxy is basically about me. Right down to the gematria and appearance of the main character. While I was watching it (and hyperfixated) a taller woman with long black hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and a celestial nose appeared in my life, in a sense. She was very noticeable of course, but also seemed to be oddly fixated on me. I suppose if I was Vincent there had to also be a Re-L. It really does work this way... I've since confirmed it beyond doubt. Sidenote "Re-L Vincent Pino" gives 666 in the Satanic cipher. But yeah. "That which was divided must become one". "The ark and cradle will nurture you, but it will not educate you." It seems like I'm coming to the end of the line. If Eva's characters are all parts of one person, I lost all of it except for Rei (the primordial schizoid core). I don't even seem to form autobiographical memories in any complex sense. I don't think I want to either. It's easier to not be a person. Maybe that's it, I'd been nearly engulfed, remerged with the inner Lilith. Part of the Anima, like a mother that protects its child. Lilith was said to steal (neglected) children, like Lamashtu.

>>70297 I feel like I lost some sanity points reading this post. Try watching some other works by Anno like Nadia, Gunbuster, Shin Godzilla and Ultraman (haven't seen that one yet, but heard good things). Anno was in a bad place for most of the 90s, but then his life continued and improved and so his works show that progression. The whole rebuild series is that, especially the last movie. The movie franchise makes almost zero sence as a standalone story if you watch it blind in order, but 3.0+1.0 is an amazing movie if you watch it in the context of moving on and allowing yourself and the main cast of the show to grow up and live life. I watched Eva when I was 18 and my life was pretty good at the moment. Then it fell apart and I got super into it, I read Asuka/shinji fabrics for years during nights instead of sleeping to calm myself and detach from reality. ... In time I found and lost a few relationships and finally found the one. She's also a tortured soul, but we fit each other without the need for explosive conflicts and so we're happy. I was very conflicted after watching the movie because I wasn't really feeling the whole Mari waifu thing at the end. But then I realised that at that point Shinji grew up and stopped being my proxy in the plot and became his own person and it was his choice to pursue any relationship he wanted. I grew up too and my relationship with my equivalent of Asuka didn't work out and so I moved on and found a person for me. to be honest it seems I'm actually Asuka myself more than I want to have a partner like her and my partner is much more like Shinji than I am despite us being a rule 63 version of that pairing. I hope that Anno would be glad that people had similar feelings about the movie since he seemed really miffed that me and other fans used his anti escapist work for escapism. We made him a lot of money, but I feel he was feeling responsibility for creating more socially isolated ottaku instead of reducing their numbers. Anyway, I'm very thankful for his work and look forward to him bringing his dreams of reviving kauju films to life. PS I of course know that it wasn't only Anno, I'm thankful to everyone who was involved in production, Little Witch Academia (2017) made by people that worked on Eva is one of my favourite anime and I feel it's message is a continuation of trying to answer questions brought up by Evangelion. There's actually a few pretty good "response to Evangelion" type of anime amid loads of cheap knock-offs

>>70299 >>70297 Wanna live together?

>>70299 3+1 just made me sad, it felt like shinji is just moving on without me and becoming normal person and leaving me to die. >>70300 not that anon, but very much so.

>>70318 >Relating to Shinji >Being the hikkiLGBT afraid of his power >Not being the hikki200IQ yesman moss-growing-on-log strategist that allowed Gendo to circumvent reality with pure seething anger Even Kaji knew who the real chad was. Taking second place was the most Gendo thing he could have done.

I'm angry. I'm angry about rain. I need to finish my balcony so I can lounge and drink beer in the sun all day. I need 2 to 3 days of nice weather to get it done which should not be a problem this time of the year except it rained all day today again. Everything's wet and I can't do anything. I need to fix the concrete in some places, prime it and waterproof it with this cement sludge thing, I have no idea what it's called in English, then just Lego the deck tiles and it's done, easy. But it needs to not rain. All of the materials are lying all over my living room, bags of mortar, tools, buckets, tiles, it's been over a week, it's legitimately annoying me.

>>70297 >>70299 This is like a real chicken and egg problem to me. What comes first, the mental health issues or anime fascination? Was being a schizo what drew you to anime or did anime turn you into a schizo perhaps? I'm asking because a lot of anime, Evangelion very much included, is inspired by the works of a science-fiction author that for some curious reason was very popular in Japan and virtually nowhere else and turned out to be a real life psychological warfare expert Military/CIA spook. It is known that the state influences popular culture, could it be that anime is essentially a psychological warfare tool aimed at controlling post-war Japan or whatever? Because it reeks of it, the target audience, the shallow, mass-produced nature of it, the unnecessary sexual weirdness, the gross boot-licking agency-robbing narratives, it's just wrong. Japanese cinema or literature are not like this at all.

>>70319 Gendo was an asshole

>>70318 How old are you? Anno was born May 22, 1960 and married March 26, 2002 according to the internet (kinda scary that I could find that info in 2 minutes, but that's the price of being a famous person, I guess) so I have a feeling that you have plenty of time to grow up and rewatch this film with a much better aftertaste. I think that's what this film should be: a beacon leading you to a life where you can watch it again when you are ready to say goodbye to Evangelion. It will remain there as a testament to the fact that it existed. >>70319 I advise not to look on Eva as a masculine power contest because it's not really a healthy way to process it. It could be argued that Yui is theost sigma person of them all >Be born into a power elite >Become top researcher in spirit biology >Despite the pressure and looming catastrpe that you are aware of, marry the man you love and have a family with them as long as possible >In a situation where your life is jeaopardy, go out on your own terms and exploit and torture every single person you love for about 10 years to give humanity a chance of survival and to become an immortal beacon instead of helping your son to recover in a desolate world with the worst possible person if you consider that you refused to move a bit sooner (dick move) to save her life as companion. >... >Profit!? >>70324 Could you name this author?

>>70330 His name was Cordwainer Smith aka Paul Myron Anthony Linebarger. The entire concept of instrumentality is directly lifted from one of his works as is a lot of other ideas in Evangelion. It's a real crazy rabbit hole.

>>70332 I would say that it's a name reference for sure, but the concept of instrumentality in his fiction is fundamentally different from the anime that actually borrowed the concept from the endings of Ideon and Devilman, up to Christian references, which Anno references constantly. In my opinion it's like the blade runner situation where the name was cool so they took it, but not much else. And the instrumentality in the books is not really unique, there are a lot of galactic agencies in sci fi before his writings. With that said, What the hell are you going on about in this post >>70324 ??? He certainly had an interesting biography but I doubt he used his books for the reasons you mentioned since they were written and published in America first and read mostly by them. Have you seen Japanese puppet shows, drama or tokusatsu on TV? One of the main sources for inspiration for anime in the 70s and 80s was the western world, and then later on the otaku culture from the fan magazines that sprung off the girl from castle Cagliostro and the female cast from Gundam movies if I remember correctly, it's somewhat documented and is described in several academic books written in English language. Obviously the US was involved in the creation of anime since it occupied the country for some time and then remained closely involved in it's business to this day. But it's not a CIA project, why would they even want to make the young generation of Japanese people into dysfunctional adults? Seems like something the Chinese would want to do

>>70335 >Christian references, which Anno references constantly. There's very little Christianity in Evangelion. Shinji's arc amounts to a crucifixion allegory, but even then it plays out more like a Masonic ritual, where he and Unit-01 (the devil) blast out from under the pyramid, ie the tomb. Like Christ's resurrection. This happens after Asuka's resurrection (fetal position in a lake, connected to an umbilic4l cord). Finally you have Rei's resurrection, as Lilith. They all have to be killed to be made anew, reborn. Hence Death and Rebirth. Lilith in Evangelion is the First Mother, and in these related models Lilith also represents "something that has been made unconscious and is struggling to become conscious again". This is why Lilith is nailed to the cross, with a mask over her face (made by who knows, it has craters in it like the moon) in the "Central Dogma". It's also stated they didn't actually create the geofront/NERV, they found it and added to it. It's mostly Masonic, Kabbalistic, and Hermetic. The show follows Shinji, bult really I'd say the core focus is actually Rei and Lilith. It's also why Rei is on the fool tarot card, rather than Shinji. Rei was likely created by part of the primordial essence of Lilith, she exists as a manifestation of Lilith's ignorance and submission. Rei says to Gendo "I am not you", but it's also a statement to "the world" as well.

>>70336 So Gendo and Fuyutsuki played out something not unlike Lain's Nightmare of Fabrication. They wanted something that was gone, so they made another one. A tamed artificial version that could be controlled and resurrected infinitely, as needed. A replacement to merge with. No more need to be afraid.

>>70336 >There's very little Christianity in Evangelion. Well, I suppose actually you could say Gendo, Shinji, and Unit-01 are the trinity. Most character groups in this type of show form 3's, even NERV's central command has three groups of 3 on the bottom, each with 2 male and 1 female, and the core group on top, 2 male 1 female, and finally the upper command, Misato, Fuyutsuki, and Gendo, 2 male 1 female. Misato's apartment complex is an inverted version of NERV's command center, 3 tall buildings and 1 small one in the center. The main characters invert this of course, 1 male and 2 female. Texhnolyze is constructed the same way with the sexes and the presence of dominant and recessive genetic traits. Extremely meticulous and clearly deliberate, because they're actually particles in a field created by the Obelisk and their flux reflects the system cycling through stable bonding arrangements. In the end you have the formation of the Bose-Einstein condensate, all motion is halted. Texhnolyze is similar to some of Paul Myron Anthony Linebarger's works just from skimming the wiki. It goes beyond it though, given that it ends with that humans originated there to begin with, so it had come full circle. that's more of a buddhist inner earth thing.

>>70336 >There's very little Christianity in Evangelion. This isn't meant to be a "this is the way it is" btw, I definitely want to hear your take on it. I can also see how Buddhist inner Earth / cyclical phenomena mythology could be exploited for psychological warfare.

>>70318 where are you located

20M here, Taken from another thread: https://lainchan.org/hum/res/68528.html >If you abide by the principles that stand against corporatism and the propagandized quest for materialistic fulfillment, you're already pretty fuarrrking cyberpunk. >I think there are different variations of a cyberpunk in real life and its no reserved to a single "type". There are anarchist techies that care not about materialism and use their skills to do damage to a corporation or person to get their point across while on the otherhand you get cyberpunks (particularly those from the East) who utilize their computer skills to do illegal deeds in order to climb out of poverty and gain social status and you have cyberpunks who do abide by the rules and choose to serve the government/military/corporations on a signed contract These last years I tried hard to find ways to not even get in the rat race and to break free from society. But at the same time I followed the script and i went to a CS uni, which i hate with passion, although i already know much and i need to know more (linux and sec stuff mainly). I would study philosophy or history with much more pleasure but again, isn't university just another factory to mass produce workers, that spills all of your money and chains you to the system? And what then? Job... buy... marry... die. I am thinking of dropping out and just do what i want while keeping my part time job. I have countless soykaf (in my HDD: lockpicking, urban exploration, server admin, guns info, general sec stuff...) i want to learn and i really feel like i want to take action. But this uni is fuarrrking leeching my time and my parent's money, and i still live with them also. I don't want to just pose being a "cyberpunk" or whatever, i want to change things. say anything, i just need advice.

>>70336 Sorry, I meant to say that Anno constantly references Ideon and Devilman as opposed to obscure sci fi authors. I added the Christian stuff because Devilman is definitely very Christian and didn't notice it skrewed things up. The Christian stuff is mostly on the level of Nordic mythology in modern pop culture.

>>70341 Don't be ridiculous, lainon. If CS university takes all of your energy away then you need to first train to get more energy. Don't think you'll get more when you switch to things you enjoy. Your enthusiasm will rise, if only for a short time, but your body and mind are used to live in a subsistence mode so you'll still get tired too quickly to operate effectively. Phylosophy and history are as available to self study as they ever were, there are tons of academic texts and adaptedadapred audiobooks and podcasts to listen to eny time you have your ears available. I'm truly sorry for people who find jobs and marry because you should. You do that when you find a person just for you and want to build something great with them. It can be when you're 21 or 41, Life's uneven that way unfortunately. Just leave the fate a chance to intervene and not close the door shut. Trust me, years of complete loneliness away from parents or anybody is not good for you even if you enjoy it for 1 or 2 years at first. I still shudder when I remember waking up in a cold bed because there's no one to share it with and how food tasted worse because there's no one to cook for other than yourself. The lone wolf stuff is great and all, but there are plenty of people who wait for something like that that are much more committed so maybe put it as a plan B. Learn how to raise crops and care for livestock instead. Maybe some basic architecture, chemistry, biology and engineering, some hands on stuff is very useful no matter what you do.

>>70345 >I still shudder when I remember waking up in a cold bed because there's no one to share it with and how food tasted worse because there's no one to cook for other than yourself. This implies having a conception of anything else. A lot of people have no such higher awareness. There is an infantile partly unconscious conception being cold, haunted, or alone in the sense of there being no one around (and depending on early childhood conditions), but the other aspects are only hypothetical. For example creating a meal may just be seen as pointless, hence abandoned. Waking up alone is the default, the idea of there being another body in the bed, much less a body that creates its own warmth, is completely alien. Not a thing, never was. So the effect changes. I imagine it also depends on age of first exposure, and extent to which this crystallizes into the core personality.

>>70345 Thank you for answering, i'll make myself a bit more clear: >Don't be ridiculous, lainon. If CS university takes all of your energy away then you need to first train to get more energy. Don't think you'll get more when you switch to things you enjoy. Your enthusiasm will rise, if only for a short time, but your body and mind are used to live in a subsistence mode so you'll still get tired too quickly to operate effectively. Phylosophy and history are as available to self study as they ever were, there are tons of academic texts and adaptedadapred audiobooks and podcasts to listen to eny time you have your ears available. The thing is that i get tired not because i lack energy but because i actually hate math and how CS is taught, and i hate the whole exams system. I really prefer to learn this stuff by myself, which is also why i meant that i would not go to uni for history or philosophy. Also for the reasons you stated; It's all out there in the end, and going would be a money slandering. But, if we want to play devil's advocate here, the social aspect is important and I had some opportunities that i didn't take because i don't like the course.. i wonder how that would be in a course i actually like. Because in the end these are the relationships that count, in basically the rest of my life. But, that would be important if i wanted a "normal" life, which i absolutely don't now. I know it sounds cringe and "lone wolf" but it's really because i just realized that society is rotten to the core, based on wrong morals, everyone is tied on an illusion, and entropy is coming, and i don't want to take part on this whole show. I really feel like it's either going to jail because i want to provoke change, or going to military because that's usually where someone like me goes when he feels like he belongs to nowhere. By the way, for context, I have SPD. So the feeling of not belonging anywhere is common. >Trust me, years of complete loneliness away from parents or anybody is not good for you even if you enjoy it for 1 or 2 years at first. I still shudder when I remember waking up in a cold bed because there's no one to share it with and how food tasted worse because there's no one to cook for other than yourself. I am gonna be honest, being a schizoid i just never really tried these years, but i feel a lot of frustration only when i see something that reminds me of my loneliness. I talked to a girl in class (actually sat near every day) for a couple of months lately. Felt like a dream, like she was just like me, really interested, and the usual stuff. We shared a lot, i even helped her sometimes if she had anxiety or anger attacks. Then she tells she had a fear of males. Turns out she has a boyfriend (while we hanged out by the way) and i think she has BPD (probably narcissist). She started seeing a therapist anyway. I'm sure her parents are as she told me. I spilled my beans one day and told her that i felt like i was getting too close, and i needed some time alone. After a couple of weeks we regained contact and she was usually very much more swingy with the mood (always was but more). Then she started talking to me really really less and less. Eventually someone else tried to approach her and i felt disgusted with my own self. She went away without saying anything, and posted a story that goes with the line of "women when they realize no grown man just wants to be friends" I just stopped sitting near her and realized that she might be a narc and as a schizoid I was too tolerant of the various episodes and things. I just wanted someone to talk to, really. I never even thought of love for a very long time. Then i got too close and, well is it my fault if I felt something? Well, classes are over and i will probably never see her again. I just feel bittersweet. All of this just to tell you that i feel like finding her was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that it's not worth trying anymore. It's like i was searching for something that kept me out of my own path of self-destruction and would keep me in the "normal life", and now even this illusion is done and gone. Did you see Taxi Driver? When Travis eventually fuarrrks up with that woman and then feels resentful of the whole society because he can't be normal like them? That's probably how I feel now. What other barriers are there now? Anyway, sorry for the rant, >The lone wolf stuff is great and all, but there are plenty of people who wait for something like that that are much more committed so maybe put it as a plan B. Learn how to raise crops and care for livestock instead. Maybe some basic architecture, chemistry, biology and engineering, some hands on stuff is very useful no matter what you do. Exactly! Those are things that i want to learn too, but as I said, uni is wasting my time as I am forced to learn stuff that i don't see as useful. I really want to get independent overall, and those things are needed.

>>70349 OR you're just lonely and then when you get a partner the bed is warm and it's nice to cook for someone. I find that giving tasty things to my partner is sometimes more enjoyable that eating them yourself. >>70352 The one thing that makes people the most dominant species is the society it has, and University is avoid approximation of how society is generall. A lot of people who are just as clueless as you in positions of authority granted by archaic social institutions forcing you and other people from all walks of life to drink their flavour of cool aid and then treating it like it was a privelege to get to experience that. One crazy girl is not the end of the world, lainon. I'll even go as far as to say you dodged a bullet. Learn from it and don't try to get into a relationship with someone when there are so many red flags, you'll get burned. It's a good memory for future when the wound heal, cherish it. There are 8 billion people lainon, at least 1000 would suit you great, so just keep going and getting better at this relationship thing. Human connections are a great thing even if they are fleeting. I'm sure you'll find someone again soon if you don't shut yourself off. It might be just a friendly person, but thats more than many have. To be frank, when you get a job it's even less time to do all of the fun stuff. I had most free time in high school and early years of undergrad, now I usually go to sleep early since I'm tired and go to work after I wake up. Not to mention I have obligations and want to spend time with my partner.

>>70330 >I advise not to look on Eva as a masculine power contest Of course it's not that simple, Evangelion is a work of art and the peices of Anno himself in there are fascinating. Gendo was basically Shinji before Yui 'committed herself entirely to her work.' A squeamish little soykaf afraid of success; Yui didn't just die, she left him behind. Maybe he petitioned, pleaded, "there's another way..." She smiled and that was the last time he saw her. They both sacrificed their humanity(parenthood) in the pursuit of a singular purpose, but he never forgot, because he couldn't understand. 10 years he forgot about Shinji? 10 years he couldn't even look at him. And Kaji watched it all go down.

>>70352 >The thing is that i get tired not because i lack energy but because i actually hate math and how CS is taught, and i hate the whole exams system. I really prefer to learn this stuff by myself, which is also why i meant that i would not go to uni for history or philosophy. All of the academic system has been doomed since the beginning of the consoomerism era. Students are not meant to acquire higher knowledge. In fact, our education system has never been as different as the one introduced by ancient Greece. First and foremost, although studies are introduced spiritually as a continuous learning path to gain a better understanding of our environment (that is precisely what first schools were meant to be; they were not about gaining a diploma, abilitities recognized by a materialistic society, rather it was a philosophical study of the being and the non-being, what our world is made of and how the humain's nature interact with it, but more importantly, it was not thought to converge to an end. You see, one of the most ridiculous ideas raised by modern society is that knowledge should be limitted to its immediate use for the larger group.

I've had a crush on my online friend for months now and I don't know what to do, we'll mostly likely never meet in person and it's stupid that I'm obsessed with her over the internet. I think I'm just lonely... I need to focus on my schoolwork and this is really distracting me.

>>70356 >A lot of people who are just as clueless as you in positions of authority granted by archaic social institutions forcing you and other people from all walks of life to drink their flavour of cool aid and then treating it like it was a privilege to get to experience that. That's why i don't blame anyone in particular. Everyone is bound to the illusion, It's just the overall system that has to fall and to fall hard. We are the ones that are aware of this, It was a continuous chaining of illusions made possible by our whole inept morality. Anyways, entropy is true for everything, even for social systems. >To be frank, when you get a job it's even less time to do all of the fun stuff. I had most free time in high school and early years of undergrad, now I usually go to sleep early since I'm tired and go to work after I wake up. Not to mention I have obligations and want to spend time with my partner. I am sure that's true. I can't do anything after my part time and I can't imagine what a full time is. But a job gets me money (while uni takes money, although not so much as in the US), which i have in very scarce quantity right now, and makes me independent from my parents. I can try another year at uni, but if everything goes bad I lost two years of paychecks and independence while playing the grown up teenager trying to find a connection. Not labeling everyone that goes to uni like this, it's just someone like me that goes without even liking the subjects at all. I guess you're right that i dodged a bullet, but you know it's just that it was really unfortunate and a missed opportunity. In a way i was still a shut-in and I still am, i just talked to her one day and we kept going. but i never talked to anyone and she also has no friends, and never talked to anyone but me. So yeah, no worries about "returning to my filth" and "shutting myself off", i was here from the start. >>70358 Praise to you lainon, we think the exact same. The problem is that after realizing, one either conforms or tries not to. Do you recommend any solution?

i am at the lowest point in my life, the future is so uncertain. i don't want to but i fear i might just end up statistic, im so unfit for life

>>70370 I don't know you, but I've been you. I might be you again, but I'm not you right now, and don't intend to be in the future either. So I know how meaningless and flat it will come across, but I believe in you Lain. You can do it.

>>70370 I have 1 evening and 1 day to off myself because of this. Im actually debating on doing it right now.

>>70366 It's whatever lainon. When faced with something you don't like, think about how long will you remember about it. Think about all of existential crisises you had but now they are just echoes in your mind. At some point I just learned to preemptively designate unpleasant things as future forgotten memories. Like I'm playing an unskipable first chapter of a game so I'm mostly checked out and moving along towards better stuff.

>>70297 You think you're fixated on Evangelion? Laughing out loud. There's some dork that's been writing a fan fiction piece for longer than you've been alive. There are stories out there that are longer than Lord of the Rings, there are stories that are twice as long as Lord of the Rings, there's a story that's nearly two million words long. It was completed in less than two years which is roughly 2500 words a day, every day for nearly two years. Just putting things in perspective here.

>>70340 Eastern US.

>>70352 >By the way, for context, I have SPD. >being a schizoid i just never really tried these years >and i think she has BPD >as a schizoid I was too tolerant of the various episodes and things. Diagnosing mental illness/neuroticism is becoming pretty popular, but in your case I don't think it is very helpful. You chalk up some of your problems to you being a schizoid, as if that explains anything. As for going to a soykafty uni to promote technological slavery, I don't know what to tell you except do things that you find useful for yourself, not for the sake of fitting in/going the path of least resistance. >I really feel like it's either going to jail because i want to provoke change just curious what kinds of things do you think provoke change? >All of this just to tell you that i feel like finding her was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that it's not worth trying anymore. I feel the same way. It hurts so much to feel like you're not alone anymore and to have that taken away. it seems that at the end of the day, I'm always going to be a stranger. I don't want to date anyone I just want to have someone that I can talk to, and feel some sense of companionship, but I don't think that's ever going happen because I can't delude myself into thinking people care about me a second time.

I'm socially maladjusted. I only have one RL friend I speak to regularly, and barely. I don't know how to keep up a conversation, I learnt from child abuse to never talk about anything important or it would be used against me, and I don't know anything much in detail so there's nothing for me to talk about. It often feels like my brain is not capable of formulating a response, or when it does, it does so slowly and never in time. And then conversation just awkwardly dies on me. I'm lonely. Often I feel like I should just rope, I provide nothing of value, not even entertainment value (except maybe as laughingstock), and am sick in the head. Maybe three people would truly grieve, I find it hard to believe people may enjoy my presence.

fuarrrked gf for first time. She started crying. Said it was because she was overstimulated (she had edged herself right before) but it spooked me.

>>70401 It's ok Lainon. First experience is usually awkward even if both partners had sex before if it's been a while. As embarrassing as may be, the best way to go about it is to talk frankly. Ask her about her experiences and share yours. Sex is one of the ultimate ways two people can connect so it's best to have no secrets as it will enhance both physical and emotional satisfaction from it. Think about it as if you're dancing in a pair. You're a team and you are training to learn to work together. Learn her preferences and encourage her to learn yours. Also at least around 15 minutes (much longer if you have the time) of foreplay is recommended as it would eliminate the issue of male and female libido going at a different pace. After that much priming both of you should have all of your erogenous zones active. You can be surprised how sensitive the innocuous places can get. Regulate based on your unique set of characteristics. The man is usually much more aware during sex so look out for facial expressions and movement. Even if she doesn't really realise it herself she may indicate displeasure by trying to push you or herself off. Don't disparage, just change the approach. The same zone can become too sensitive after too much stimulation so vary it up untill you feel like she's ready to go for the finish line. If you really want that to happen (many women are not that hung up on having orgasms, so don't press it if they want to stop earlier) oral sex is the best way so if you learn it you are basically guaranteed one at the end of each session. Just don't forget to rince your mouth and it's best if she took a shower before. >>70393 I've read some genuinely great Eva fanfics in my time so I'm thankful for their dedication to the craft.

>>70399 I actually don't believe most of it, because i believe it's labels that society puts to people that just don't conform to the normal required way of living and abiding by society rules (normal basic stuff like interacting with people and pretending you care, wanting a family and a normal job, abiding to the current morals etc..; maybe we are just the "normal" ones) but i can guarantee that i have the symptoms of "emotional absence" (or better: emotional hiding, as I am really more of a covert schizoid) and i also know exactly what caused this in my childhood. Also, i relate to the dilemma of SPD as well (not wanting to make relationships, because you crave the independence and you don't want to be vulnerable, and wanting it at the same time). Couple this with what is thought to be the relationship between an SPD and a BPD, and what she told me, and i think it's pretty accurate to what happened in the end. >As for going to a soykafty uni to promote technological slavery, I don't know what to tell you except do things that you find useful for yourself, not for the sake of fitting >in/going the path of least resistance. Thank you. unfortunately, at this point I know the end goal but not the means to do that. >just curious what kinds of things do you think provoke change? it's really hard to explain. it's something that i realized after, well, years now, of reading philosophy (Nietzsche in particular, also accelerationism) and various similar media, history, and self reflecting. To summarize, i think that history works on cycles, and it is like entropy in a way: every empire (calling empire every power structure, even our current world and way of livings together with the morals and customs that distinguish us) has a beginning and a great period of wealth, brought on by a will to power that permeates on those that command the empire and by extension on the things that the empire creates (art, architecture, technology, institutions, laws, religions...), but then with nothing to "battle" anymore, the empire weakens and the morals of a time of war are not needed anymore, so by extension, again, the morals weaken as well with the people (and everything associated with it, religions laws etc...), and there comes a time of "welfare" and "good for all". Every people start pitying everyone, everyone start helping everyone "selflessly", the nation start to indulge in pleasure and ways to do so, there are no natural values anymore. and the illusion is that everyone thinks that this is done for the "good principle of life" when in reality, there are background causes to these new, weak morals that are egoistic as the one of the time of war and splendor. For example, Christian morals, which happened to develop at the time when the roman empire was transiting to a period of decadence, happened to be good morals behind sentiments of resentment towards the rich and the noble, which then translated, to our day, to sentiment of resentment towards anyone that is "better than me" ("one day the kingdom of god will come for you" etc...) . A very small example: when you help your good neighbour, you do that thinking that you do it for him, when in reality you do it for your own gain, to feel good about yourself and to feel accepted and to being seen a reliable neighbor by society. Morals of today are still remains of that Christian (and not only!) resentment, this is very well explored in Nietzsche and i suggest you to read the Antichrist if you are interested. Even fascism and socialism are just a shadow of the christian morals (they are full of resentment values: especially the "revolution" side of it). Our whole society even, is built on wrong presumptions. Being here in this chan, you probably are aware that we are a society built on the blood of other exploited countries and proxy wars.But the thing is that our society pretends to be good and just, and to be democratic and to promote peace. But no society can work without slaves. And the thing is that, if you are one of the people that can feel a "historical sense", you can feel that this society (the "collective unconscious), just wants to end. Again, you can see this in the things that we create, art, laws, institutions, media, music, etc... You can see it in the faces of young people and in the delusion of old men. Everyone is bound to an illusion (social media, smartphones, news, the hope for a future, marriage, modern religion, modern family values, modern academia values, capitalist values...) to avoid facing the reality of our current dread without actual natural values that follow our instinct for power. We males know this too well, there is no noble way to live life anymore, no tragic way to die, no value worth following, democratic institutions have no use for that anymore. Even institutions are crumbling and useless or desperate laws are made. Fascist rise is a way to fight this entropy, but in the end, just another illusion. Everyone has some kind of illusions, even those in charge, but we know deep down that we want this to end, AGAIN. In a way, the first and second world war was an extreme attempt to this, and a desperate way to follow the will to power (pic related being the ultimate show of that, i would say), and we are living in the post world of that attempt, that in truth is not over yet as we all saw lately. Yukio Misashi (that japanese actor of the 50s that killed himself with a katana after staging a coup d'etat) explained this feeling of "expecting the world to end" after WW2 that never quite came. i suggest to read him also. And someone, or something will eventually provoke the spark. We are just on the borderline and our society is getting to an end. Eventually the cycles will continue, until entropy takes us all. But new , different morals will be made and that's what humans always did. To build and to destroy, forever, under our eternal will to power. Provoking change is just the natural feeling that I and other want to follow. And I'm sure other of the cyberpunk culture here want this as well, maybe unconsciously. If you read all of this thanks, really, sorry for the length heh >I feel the same way. It hurts so much to feel like you're not alone anymore and to have that taken away. it seems that at the end of the day, I'm always going to be a >stranger. I don't want to date anyone I just want to have someone that I can talk to, and feel some sense of companionship, but I don't think that's ever going happen >because I can't delude myself into thinking people care about me a second time. That "i just want someone that i can talk to" hit deep in the feels, because i felt exactly the same when i took the courage to talk to her the first time. If that helps, i think that if you get to know people they actually care about you. She did and I'm sure that someone will find you interesting as well. But we are all following our instincts and for people that have some issues this can be a problem. In my example, she needed a lot of acceptance by others, and she probably had some issues with her feelings even if she was actually in a relationship. Common in narcs unfortunately, and it was also unfortunate, because we related somewhat well in the end. But the times when she preoccupied for my well being were there and I remember those, behind the soykaf that was eventually caused by her upbringing. This is why i don't blame her in the end, and you should not blame anyone or think that everyone is like this also. You can find someone, but remember that we all have flaws. Don't compare too much with me because in the end, i could have probably tried to be with a narc being an emotional sponge, but even then she was engaged. Now, if you want to know how i truly think about this, we are all bound to that will to power even here as well. Males want someone to project their feelings over, and to feel powerful over, and women want someone to feel protected and to be reminded that they are beautiful and accepted by the "tribe". >I'm always going to be a stranger Again, i know that i am being obnoxious, but this is another common SPD thing and i know that feeling. But, with all these things that i believe about society that I just told at you, i don't see any problem with that. Do you want to belong to an illusion? "And the reality that I don't have anywhere i belong, is where i truly belong!" (from paranoia agent, very good anime similar to lain)

I spend so much of my life online when I meet actual humans irl I find them disappointing. They sweat, talk, have toenails and vomit. Their soo fleshy too. Whenever I meet actual homo sapians I find myself recoiling in horror and retreating back to my hiki room. What do I do?

>>69966 learn how to live in the wild and move to a forest or accept christ and join the amish,christianity is a big part of their life

I'm getting let go from my job as a janitor. While I was under the assumption I was doing everything As I should've I actually got told that nobody was happy with how I was doing my job and my contract isn't getting renewed come January. Part of me is frustrated because I don't understand where I messed up, but really since being a janitor's so simple I feel like I can only really blame myself. It makes me wonder why I'm here if I can fuarrrk up a low level job like that so bad I end up being let go. Do I really belong anywhere if a job as simple as "clean that room and that one" is something I manage to fuarrrk up?

>>70408 I don't know about your situation but such jobs tend to not be related much at all to any personal ability of yours and more about how well you fit in with the work environment and how much you're socially liked.

>>70409 Well if it really is about my social standing there's this one coworker I tend to fight sith a lot, even if I get along with my other coworkers. Though the official reason given was "you're not doing a good job cleaning." Now I don't know if it's really what they said or what you're suggesting. Though IG it's something to consider.

I've spent almost a year now learning a foreign language while living in a foreign country, My language program is almost over now, there are 3 weeks left, but this teacher I have is making us do soykaf like write and read poetry (2 pages), perform theater, give news presentations, teach, and other things. I had no issue with teaching, I didn't want to teach but I did it anyway because I understand the benefit which can be derived from doing so. I see there is even benefit in all of what the teacher wants us to do, but I am just not willing to fuarrrking act out a scenario in front of dozens of people, or read my gay poetry, I enjoy writing in my free time, I even write in the language I've learned, but there is no way I'd read something I wrote from my heart and soul to the class, or anyone for that matter. If I miss a certain amount of class I will be removed from my classroom roster, and will be unable to take the exam to graduate from the last level of the program. I'll have to pay a couple hundred dollars to redo the entire level, but I can't afford it, and I don't want to waste even more of my life. I don't have to finish this last level, but I should. Universities typically require their students to know a foreign language for admittance, I've just learned one, and a "difficult" one at that. This last level is just to demonstrate further proficiency, it would look better on a resume I guess. This last level doesn't strengthen your comprehension of the language, and your score on the exam doesn't reflect your knowledge of the language, but all some asswipe at a university will care about is the level of some stupid certificate and the score on an exam associated with it. Once the program is over I am going to be all alone for several months as I study for my GED. I turned 18 a few weeks ago. I have "friends", but they aren't true friends. I never spend time with them. These friends of mine are good people, they are kind to me, helpful, generous, but we just aren't similar whatsoever. I am somewhat close with an old teacher of mine as well, but again we are not similar in regards to our personalities. I can always quickly determine whether or not someone will, or can be my friend. I don't know how to explain it. I only met one person who could be my friend as of being here. We became good friends. Our friendship ended months ago, I've had no friends since then. I don't really feel human anymore, and I don't feel like pretending to be human. It drives people away from me and I prefer things that way. At the same time I still feel something is terribly wrong with me, I feel horrible all the time, all day long, only for brief moments can I distract myself from the feelings and memories I have. I am at conflict with myself, I think I desire some form of relationship with someone, but I haven't found anyone else I want to engage with yet, and now that this program is over and I am set to return to seclusion, that's it. These past few months I've just been, I don't even know what the fuarrrk I've been doing. Just doing this program, the program isn't even stimulating enough for me anymore, in the beginning levels it was, but once I reached the third level it all became too easy. And when it ends, then what, after I get my GED what next. Some more bullshit to keep my life from falling stagnant, but in the end it'll lead nowhere. I always come back to the idea of suicide but I'm afraid to do it, so I'm not really suicidal. Only good thing I can say is this program has sparked an interest in learning languages for me, I'll see what I learn after this.

>>70411 You'll get over it. Traveling to distant lands and engaging with different cultures is a good thing not too many can have under their belt by 18. At that age it is completely normal to have a strong desire to have a romantic relationship and to be consumed by youthful absolutism. You just put one foot after another and work on being an interesting person who doesn't push people away and you'll find your company.

So the other day I looked at the SNPs in my parents' genomes. I found that both parents had https://bots.snpedia.com/index.php/rs53576 as AA, i.e., low oxytocinergic activity. I'm a USDA-certified medical-grade robot, and it's been played out many times in my life. Others call me "too serious" and I've constantly turned down romantic relations. It's not /that/ bad. I'm capable of some amount of love, but seemingly not as much as others. Not as much as some of them want from me. Over the past year, or two, maybe three, I've been just about completely absorbed in my computer work. Yet I feel that I don't have what it takes to be truly brilliant in this domain, to invent new algorithms, to readily work at the edges of arxiv.org. Most people I know regard me as smart and are impressed by my productivity and insight, but most people I know are also kind of retarded. Such things are one of my few pleasures, but I feel that I'm not actually that good, world-class, at them.

>>70412 I tried chatting briefly with an old teacher of mine from middle school and they gave me the same schpiel, like any of you know jack soykaf about my life. I've been here long beyond the point of "getting over it", not even factoring anything else into account. We'll see if you're right if I enter university.

I'm gradually losing interest in cyberpunk. I like it less and less. I've been in this place before, for years I quit forums and image boards. I even threw out my PC. But I'm feeling burnt out again. I'm loosing interest and becoming more tech hostile once more. Even though I've been into retro computing since my teens, I go through these phases where just looking at a machine fills me with dread. My grandmother found living in a house with fixed walls hard, she grew up as a tribal living in a tent, in a world of magic and superstition, of arcane knowledge. All of this lost to time, swept away by these fuarrrking machines.

>>70212 This is some terrible, misleading "advice". It's true in some cases, but considering anon didn't specify what the things they're talking about are, it's just a bad thing to suggest. Also that last statement was just straight up malicious.

>>70417 That last statement is only malicious if a person believes that their interests are both immutable and genuine. This is not necessarily the case.

I've thought of killing myself since I was 14, but it's not until now that I've been thinking that maybe I should just plan it correctly, and oof myself already, but I'm not sure. Killing myself could potentially harm people who have formed a bond with me in some way, it would also be self-fish because I don't want to kill myself because I live a miserable life or because I don't like my life or myself. I don't have a high self esteem, but I don't hate myself either, and really the only reason why I want to die is because I don't feel like I could really make a contribution to society, I have an iq of 116, I'm a hapa, I have atheistic tendencies which just means that I'm too dysgenic to function in something so natural and healthy like religion, and I have a distorted dissociated view of myself, which just means that I have schizophrenic traits to some extent. My other option is to just keep educating myself as much as I can and try to find someone I can serve to who has better genes, higher iq, and life goals, that way my life would be somewhat useful, and not a complete waste of space. I'm not even sad about this, I just don't get why would I keep torturing myself living a life that I don't enjoy, sure i have fun sometimes, but deep inside me, I don't seem to be worth of the gift that life is, because I don't even know how to enjoy such thing and therefore I don't truly deserve it. I also have the theory that maybe I don't like myself subconsciously or that I have underlying self.hating tendencies that I don't see, but how can that be true?, I take care of myself. I don't do sports but I try to eat healthy, shower regularly, brush my teeth, try to socialize even though I suck at it, so, I don't think I hate myself, but at the same time I don't like myself either, mainly because I can't see anything that is admirable, unique in a good way or important about me, so it would be silly to "like myself", when there's a lot about me that I still need to work on, but again, I'm dysgenic in nature, so does it even matter?

>>70419 >but how can that be true? Underlying regard exists independently of rationalization. Rationale can form around it, I think it goes less often the other way. >I have an iq of 116, I'm a hapa, I have atheistic tendencies which just means that I'm too dysgenic to function in something so natural and healthy like religion Had to look up some of these words, sounds like maybe you have internalized too much from people or ideologies that arbitrarily see things about you as inferior. If so, they don't deserve your respect. >sure i have fun sometimes, but deep inside me, I don't seem to be worth of the gift that life is, because I don't even know how to enjoy such thing and therefore I don't truly deserve it. Maybe it's the other way around? That you see yourself not deserving it, and therefore do not know how. I believe that just outside of the conscious mind is a ledger keeper, apportioning joy and anxiety, and this authority is not really a separate entity from the person it governs, even though for the sake of maintaining a narrative of self the appearance of separation is maintained. And what is the rightful purpose of it except to maintain and uplift your existence? If that isn't happening, the rules can rightfully be changed; accept that you deserve a measure of joy, for nothing, as basic fuel for your life and what you might like to do with it.

>>70419 hey lain, thanks for the wallpaper. Nobody wants to live, not even me. I don't want to say some cliche soykaf like "just find a purpose", however you should really evaluate what you do have and what you don't. Look at your pros, and you don't have to use them to better the entire world, but use them to better something. Anything. Your going to die one day anyway, so you may as well show God that you did something with what he gave you rather than jumping ship early.

>>70413 Hey, are you the lainon that was asking me about this stuff In the biology thread? Glad you could find some answers. I would suggest you don't just surrender to your genes. I'm bipolar and that really made some periods of my life a struggle. But after I talked to my mom and realised it was actually her gaslighting me about being intolerant to the idea of mental illness in our family and making me feel as if I was just lazy and unmotivated or overly rude and aggressive. I've had plenty of close relatives from both sides of the family that were "unusual" and that was a relief. I don't go around telling everyone IRL but my best friends know and are more accepting of my behaviour. It takes a lot of self control but it's possible to not ruin your relationships if you're not too stressed. Anyway, I don't want you to consider yourself a robot as I don't want to consider myself emotionally defective. You've just got lover reception on your oxytocin and that results in lover empathy. That's not too bad. You just need to be conscious of it and correct that a little bit. Some things that are easy and natural for others come to you with effort. Humans are not gust genetic, they are genetic+memetic. If you cultivate your habits and beliefs in away of compassion and love, after a while no one could tell that you have something like that. It does make you feel different and apart from others of course but every person is fundamentally alone in this world. I can get very low empathy during the hypomaniac episodes or if I'm too bitter during the depressive state. It's fine. As long as you know that it's not the fault of your character and don't blame yourself for these things you have a chance to course correct. What speaks are your actions. No one needs to know your thoughts as you do good deeds. Anyway, TLDR is Don't give up on yourself due to your genes, just work on your memes to compensate.

>>70425 >>70413 >Be 8/10 >10/10 if I dedicated my life to money like a rat >Obviously have a similar deficiency as genome friend >Women constantly throw themselves in my way to attempt to be noticed >Waste of my time >Ignore them completely >They have to mop themselves up off the floor because of this I've realized every experience females have had with men is just an entry level practice game they were playing preparing themselves for a man like me. Too bad I legitimately do not give a fuarrrk and am not faking my absolute disinterest at all. I'm practically the milk-man stereotype. This isn't a flex, it's a bid for why this lack of oxytocinergic activity is viable as an evolutionary/sexual trait. I don't flex, that's trait most commonly exhibited by the same rats that chase money. In fact, if you look at other mammals, doting, sex addicted males are extremely cúcked, because females carry a massive disdain for rat behavior across the entire mammalian kingdom. This same lack of oxytocinergism is likely how females deviate from pair bonding to cúckold lesser males, too.

My president has started a war of aggression with a neighboring country. I live in a constant state of anxiety because at any moment this man could come out on TV and call a mandatory draft for all men and i could be sent to prison if i refuse to be conscripted. I'm afraid to go outside because of facial recognition cameras, i'm afraid to stay at home and because at any moment i could hear loud knocking on my door. Everyone i know has buried their head in the sand and pretends like all this is normal and all this will pass if we just wait it out like we always do with everything.

Recently I realized an obvious fact that the absolute majority of people are following the same biologocal goal: multiplication. Regardless of their age, wealth and intellect they are consciously or uconsciously seeking for a mating partner and, eventually, breed. The word "love" is too cliche, let's call this process "nature". Nature picks a target from subject's environment and starts to affect his/her rational thinkig (arguably, depends on the definition of "rational"). It inflicts positive emotions (i.e. long lasting thoughts thst affect one's behavious) associated with the target. Nature gives a taste of what it feels like to be loved by persuasion of the fact that the targed experiences similar feelings. If these engrams, for the lack of better word, are not the case in reality, cognitive dissonance follows. This experience should cause the subject to act in a way that will make those dreams come true. If it is realized that the target is a lost cause, another one is choosen after the recovery from psychological trauma that followed. This process is repeated again and again, lowering requierments for target's appearance, personality, social status, age and even gender, untill the subject is beaten into submission. ScPD mixes in really well, substituting any real world actions by fantasy. As a result amplified psychological effects without even ability to comply.

>>70435 Well, no, not really. There is a reason why this behaviour is not present in the majority of the population because this SNP and others like it are not exibiting enough advantage to propagate in the population. You can be as sigma male as you want but it seems you won't have any offspring with that mentality and so you'll just be an aberration. Granted, in complicated systems like our society an abberation can be at an advantage due to not having the restraints of unspoken rules applied to them, but beware. As soon as people find out you are like this and the news spread you will be targeted and suppressed. Don't take it personally, it's just how the system keeps itself the way it is. The nail that sticks out will be nailed down. You can go around thinking you are owning the world but to the world you are just a speck of dust and your memory dies with you. That said, I wish you well. >>70435 It seems the times between around 2001 and 2019 were a strange abberation in Russian history because everything else (exept may maybe the zastoi period) was just a socafshow of different levels of intensity and things are just returning to the way they were. Too bad for the generation that grew up in those strange times where there was hope, huh? Anyhow, the Russian people defied the odds many times so maybe there will be a change of pace in our lifetime, hopefully in the next 10 years. Also, the rest of the world seems to be going mad so maybe this situation is just a sign of the things to come. Every prominent country seems to be on the brink of collapse by some deeply historical and unavoidable reasons so it's just a game of brinkmanship that is about to turn into the domino effect as the global society crumbles into something new. We certainly live in interesting times, that can't be denied. I recommend moving somewhere more rural, no cameras or law enforcement there, the strictness of the laws is compensated by them not being enforced. Sucks to live in a fachisist state but I guess it will make for interesting stories for children since the country experienced monarchy, socialism, capitalism and fascism in a span of about 100 years. Absolutely wild. I recommend reading Michail Zygar's books, starting with the empire must die. Fascinating how things are just about the same like they were 100 years ago with small and victorious wars. >>70436 That's one way to look at things, but that implies that partner's have absolute values which is not true. It's subjective and somewhat determined by your genes and upbringing. So someone you might consider a bad partner is just great for someone else. So it's not nessesarily lowering the standard, more like looking for the right one while having a good time and getting experience for future relationships. Trust me, I appreciate my partner 100 times more because I know how the alternative could be. Meanwhile some of them are in good relationships it seems, so yeah, it wasn't about me or them being bad, just incompatible

>>70403 As much as that makes sense, I can't bring myself to believe that provoking change or anything for that matter is meaningful. I feel like it is all just cope. Religion and politics exists so that you can feel like you have purpose. Sorry, I read what you wrote but I don't have much of anything to say about it. >This is why i don't blame her in the end, and you should not blame anyone or think that everyone is like this also. You can find someone, but remember that we all have flaws. No, in Real Life everyone's an asshole who has their own interests at heart. I just don't want anything to do with anyone anymore I just can't handle it.

>>70419 >My other option is to just keep educating myself as much as I can and try to find someone I can serve to who has better genes, higher iq, and life goals, that way my life would be somewhat useful, and not a complete waste of space. I'm not even sad about this, I just don't get why would I keep torturing myself living a life that I don't enjoy, sure i have fun sometimes, but deep inside me, I don't seem to be worth of the gift that life is, because I don't even know how to enjoy such thing and therefore I don't truly deserve it. This is an... objectively interesting mentality that I feel not many have these days. I picture a romanticizing of being an artist's apprentice, of nearly-gay servitude (but not in that sodomite prideful way, hm.) What I'll say is that the combinatorics of life play out such that it doesn't necessarily take that much to make a meaningful contribution, secondhand or not. Let's say that you're really into A, B, and C. The amount of people also into precisely A, B, and C are probably relatively low, especially accounting for D, physical location. So making a contribution can consist of synthesizing A, B, C, D. Now you're handily in an elite club of maybe 10-100 people even capable of doing the same thing.

>>70440 It's actually more weird than that. It's essentially like you are blindfolded and have a key in your hand and you are in a big room full of keyholes. About 20% of the locks can be opened so many do you find that it opens a compartment with another key inside. You are the. Led to another room like that but now only 10% of the locks can be opened and there is another key inside. Eventually you get to a point where your blindfold is removed and you are given a big keychain. You might think oh yeah, I made it baby, but that's when you see that the next room is huge and you are told that there is one lock that can be opened with one of those keys that can give you what you want and that some keys open other locks that lead to suffering for you and other people. So mist people alternate between looking for the lock, debating the risks and giving up for some time. Many people that changed the world had a moment where they found themselves opening the wrong lock and it blowing up in their face. I'll use WW1 as an example Lenin thought he basically burned all the bridges at the end of 1916, just a year before getting to the top Churchill thought he was done after the disaster at Gallipoli Gavrilo Princep thought he missed his chance before the fate turned his fortune Hitler was devastated and full of impotent rage at the end of the war Yiu never know, the next key might just open the next lock and there might be something awesome inside. And probably not the good kind of awesome. >>70441 Not really, Rudolph Hess was essentially that to Hitler. There are plenty of literary and real life examples of people pledging their allegiance and forfeiting their own autonomy to serve someone they feel can be a great person.

>>70440 My point was that everything tries to make change subconsciously. Religions and politics just do that in a illusory way, promising utopias and what not. All started with Plato and then Christianity. The best thing is to realize this potential and act just like you would do it if you didn't realize, but without false promises of utopias and "good for everyone" and "we are good; they are bad". Acting knowing this and acting without knowing can be life changing. >No, in Real Life everyone's an asshole who has their own interests at heart. I just don't want anything to do with anyone anymore I just can't handle it. A prime example of what i said: society, and religion, has conditioned us thinking that everyone should be this selfless caring person for each other. Then, when we finally realize it's not like this but we all pretend it is, we start to think like you do, we become disillusioned and without hope. "Why is everyone an asshole? Am I the only good one?" Nihilism, and this applies to everything else also. And all of this is subconscious as usual. If you grew up in another historical context, one not conditioned by Christian morals (that permeates the whole west now) you would still think that everyone is selfish, but with no disillusion or hopelessness. In antiquity it was nothing like this, a human knew that it was expected that everything was a trade, but there was nothing wrong with it. A true friendship would be made to empower each other trough egoist means, which in the end benefited everyone. And again: the key remains in acting KNOWING this, in contrast to acting without knowing (or acting believing the contrary, which is what happening right now). This is what i meant when i said "morals made on wrong assumptions". The whole modern world is made on these wrong assumptions. The end goal is to accept it and empower yourself trough this realization. The guilt will extinguish itself.

i hate myself so intensely and deeply but i love people so much and only try to spread positivity. it feels like my body and soul hurt when i harm someone through my actions. i am no good at all and like these past few months of being hopeless and addicted to drugs have really just put a dent in my life that i am terrified could be really difficult to recover from. idk man life is fuarrrkin tough

>>70440 >>70444 also, nice metaphor, it makes the point a tad clearer another thing, it's not quite to "bring yourself to believe" that provoking change is useful. Two things: You should stop to "bring yourself to believe" anything. You should instead try to listen to your fundamental will. Behind everything there is a will to power. Life is a struggle for power and you can see it in every living form. My response to this is: i want to provoke change. This is now MY purpose, but everyone has to find his own, personal purpose that compliments their will to power. As much as I try to convince anyone that my words are correct, they are true for me and also, 15 minutes of reading my thread cannot make up for the hundreds of hours I spent reading and reflecting on this all my life. This is in the end a very personal thing that grows in the self. So my hope is to at least introduce you (and others as well) to this skepticism, so that you can start to realize and indulge to philosophy, history, and related media, and to start reflecting on this. Everyone will find their own personal thing to build their purpose upon. But in the end these things take actual time to grow in your mind. I often read or watch things regarded as deeply philosophical and touching that i don't understand until i watch or read them countless time or I wait weeks or months before i just "get it". The mind actually connects the dots by itself trough time and experience.

>>70444 >Yiu never know, the next key might just open the next lock and there might be something awesome inside. And probably not the good kind of awesome. The whole point of being mature as an adult is to be able to control yourself and not get too excited when things go well, and nit fall into endless despair when they don't. If you were to draw a tree of every decision you would have or could have made and all those what you can or will make, the possibilities are limitless. The only thing you can be reasonably certain of is the here and now, and that is even limited by your perception. Life makes no sense but follows basic laws of the universe. Few people truly realize what one man can do. remember that behind every high profile figure there was a person or people who made them that way, by either their actions or inaction. Nobody is the main character, but we are all important.

>>70403 the first part of this sounds like glubb's the fate of empires. are you familiar with his work, or have you both just converged on the same conclusion?

>>70462 Thanks for posting this lain, my mom made me read this when I was 10 years old and I could never remember what it was called. Its been nagging me for decades. This made my day a little better.

>>70462 Never heard of it, very interesting and I'm going to read it tomorrow, thanks lainon. I think it's more or less that works often share the same inspirations and we are also both western men with the same unconscious archetypes. Perhaps some of the authors of works and media that I enjoyed have read this. Also, the cycle of empires and history can also be attributed to eastern philosophy. AFAIK there are roots that talk about the entropy of all things in nature that applies also to human things. The circular symbols and the ouroboros symbol are all eastern if I remember correctly. By the way there's actually a very interesting interview with the authors of SEL that explain why Lain is so similar to the girl in Evangelion even if they haven't seen the show before, and they talk about collective unconscious and how having the same inspirations brings to that. The collective unconscious is actually real, even if not in a tangible, "14 year old anime girl in the wires" way.

Sometimes I wish I had saved and indexed every post I'd ever made. I could probably mash it together into a book several times over.

I wrote a huge wall text and after reading it multiple times I have come to the conclusion that I'm just really mentally ill, and should stop trying to be someone and accept that I'm doomed by my own dysgenic genetics. I talked about this with someone and this individual told me that "it could be something in the water", what do you think lainons?, could "something in the water" really drive people mad to the point that they end up having a shattered and fragmented perception of themselves which consequently leads to depression?

>>70478 No. Though it can play an amplifying role, it alone is unlikely to act as the sole initator and driver. Unless the halogens really are the final nail in your thyroid coffin, and thus hypothyroidism is causing psychosis. Which does happen.

>>70478 the water could be a catalyst. when i feel like ass, the water from my tap makes me feel more like ass, but water from the library downtown makes me feel a little better. but my mood doesn't wholly hinge on the quality of water im putting in my mouth. it could also straight up be poisoned. i dont know what water you drink so i can't say.

>>70478 I mean, it is known that cigarettes, Teflon and Lead in gasoline were spread around and caused immeasurable ammount of damage to the population. We are knee deep pesticides, microplastics and such and they do get inside our bodies. ATM, we don't really know what are the long term effects of those. Maybe it's manageable and you just need some vitamins or something, or maybe it's slowly poisoning us through the rising rates of infertility and spread of mental illness (though that can be attributed to a mirriad of factors working in conjunction) What I don't get is why you feel like giving up and just accepting this. I have mental issues that stem from my family history so I probably have some genes that are whack. So what? You can be a decent person and support those who you love and that's what matters, right? In you spare time you could work on some personal projects. The pace would be slow, but you should leave at least some trace of your existence like that after years. I mean the kafee can be very soy sometimes, and kicking whales can get your legs sore, but there is some catharsis when you get a little break once in a while and just for one evening all is right in the world and god is in his heaven

>>70478 if you live in a city they literally recycle the piss into water, and artificial chemicals like antidepressants don't break down tap water has mind altering drugs that can definitely cause psychosis and depression whether you could cure yourself just by drinking to distilled water, maybe not, there's a lot more going wrong than just the water, and damage builds up over time it doesn't go away instantly its painful and overwhelming to try to make things better and it takes so long, but if you don't try to improve things if only by a little bit things won't get better tho pushing yourself too hard can be even more destructive, it can be immensely difficult to find the balance and very easy to just do nothing or to burn yourself out on every attempt

>>70478 Medium and message bro. While chemical/neurological damage is unlikely to shatter a person by itself (short of something extremely heavy like a TBI), it can create a mental state better suited to certain modes of thought than others. It only takes a little push at that point to send someone spiraling down what, to their altered brain, is the path of least resistance. You gotta pincer attack it imo (if change is something you want, that is). Changing your physical health won't alter the habits you've built on it's own, or your genetic predisposition, and in a lot of cases (lead, for example) the damage is cumulative and permanent. There's psychological work you need to do no matter what. On the other hand, you wouldn't want to try and shove a manifesto in a tiktok, or bodybuild while eating a salad a day. It's not impossible, but certain environments tend towards certain results.

>>70488 This Lain is correct. That's why you have to prime populations, soften them up. Lot of ways to do this. Not all states are connected in the same way, some states make it much easier to go down and solidify certain channels.

Posted this on 4pol. Was derezzed + deleted in under 2 minutes.

>>70478 Your question at its core boils down to your own genetics vs your environment. Professor Robert Sapolsky said this: there are no bad genes, only a bad match between genes and environment. The suitability of your genetics depends entirely on your environment.

>>70493 Can't say I blame them, it reads like a it came from a markov chain trained on a schizophrenic. Like, what were you expecting when you posted that? It doesn't invite any further conversation nor do you talk about any single tangible event for anyone to give input on, you kinda just name dropped a soytillion topics and then left.

>>70495 What do you mean "what were you expecting"? What does that even mean? You play off what you get. The search space is too large to anchor into a small set of expectations.

>>70496 >What do you mean "what were you expecting"? What does that even mean? I'm suggesting that your post was of such a low quality that it's hard for me to sincerely believe that you expected it not to get deleted, so I asked what your expectations truly were. If you had written an op on the same topics more coherently, I bet it would have been allowed. Instead, your post feels like you dumped a list of topics that might be relevant as "jumping off points" if someone had expressed interest previously or you had written some sort of introduction to explain why people should go and search up the list of topics you dumped.

>>70502 I'm not in my 20's anymore. I can't pretend everything I do matters, or that prayer to unseen ripple effects and no tangible ROI is a valid means of doing anything. I have to show for anything I have ever created.

>>70503 >I have to show for anything I have ever created. nothing to show*

>>70478 Look into ketosis and the work of dr. chris palmer.

I'm at a crossroads in my life. It presently makes no sense. My upper-middle-class parents pay for a studio apartment and mid-tier private school tuition (although I get a substantial merit scholarship). I don't have a job - I've done some freelance programming gigs and I have a part-time programming position coming up in the fall, (at least - I'm also interviewing for a full-time position in the fall soon). They seem fine with it, and I've agonized about this point with them over and over again (just how much I suck in this regard) but they don't budge. "Don't worry about the money, it'll come later." In the meantime, I'm doing unpaid scientific programming work at the university in hopes of getting letters of recommendation. That and doing something with my time. Imagine what goes through my mind when somebody asks "so what's up with you these days?" I'm a bonafide loser. In my defense, I've spent the last year in a genuine mental breakdown followed by a depression, and had to take time off of life. I'm no longer graduating early, but graduating on-time. I'm infinitely grateful to have recovered but picking up the pieces is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I've burned just about all of my social bridges at the college, sans one loyal aspie friend who I love dearly. I'm also quitting pornography, and I feel The Hunger set in as a result. I have one female friend of a few years, a nominal lesbian. She's smart and great to talk to but tattooed and on antidepressants, and she'll be coming over in a few weeks (driving 2 hours one way) just to see me. She says that she's glad we're friends. I'm 21 and starting to think about having kids, and I wouldn't want her as the mother to my children. Not in this state. I'm not going to presume that I can fix her and I actually do genuinely enjoy her company greatly, so I wouldn't want to ruin things by being, in her mind, just another creepy man. I feel a drive to fuarrk, but I don't have many friends, and the friends I do have are all mentally ill (like me!) I'm not trying to be a rightist tradwifer, but I don't want to invest time and money into a sterile relationship, with somebody unwilling or incapable of raising kids with me. This question has been pushed to death on here, but I'll ask again - how do I come back from this socially? Of course, at some level, I don't. But to the extent that I can, how do I? I hate bars, restaurants, and drinking. These foods and drinks actually usually give me depression again. But I do like social coffee. I'm into literature, bike riding, amateur radio, computers. Should I join a cycling club around here or smfn?

The only thing that really kept me going these past few years was my friends online, until I realized that they aren't really my friends. I feel like my entire life I have been the only one upholding any relationship I have ever had. I had to approach, and reach out to virtually everyone who was my friend in real life and online after middle school. If I didn't actively work to maintain relations with people, the relationship inevitably withered away. Every time. Someone once tried explaining the concept of nurturing relationships to me, like I'm some retard who doesn't understand that a relationship must be cared for. It's always been me holding up relationships, and caring for them. Not the other way around. I don't want to be the only one keeping things going anymore. I despise these one sided friendships, what kind of friendship is that? No friendship at all. It's the same way with people online. Online it's just some competition, if I'm not around enough and don't do enough of the "right" things then I inevitably wind up alone, and other people replace the role I once filled in the lives of others. The most likely response one would deliver to someone in despair over a conundrum such as this is to state that they will, or just need to "find the right people". My whole life, every time I thought I had found the right people, and my search was over, it wasn't. It's not even a matter of being attracted to the wrong people, I've been with a variety of peoples throughout my life. It's all my fault. To shift the blame upon everyone else would be insane. I don't think I have a personality. All I know is that nobody really gives a soykaf about me, not sure what to do anymore.

>>70507 >Should I join a cycling club around here or smfn? yes, you need exercise anyway and its a good option to get both done in one. Your uni bike club is easiest choice to get in contact with peers Also if you hang around campus you tend to get in contact with classmates and opportunity arise from that. As examples i came into talking with another guy in the computer room and we ended up working on a mobile game together. Another guy offered me to join their startup. That said both already knew me from common courses so we weren't total strangers. Since you mentioned scholarship i assume you also outperform most so should be good enough to attract attention as long as you expose yourself.

>>70510 Exposing myself is an issue man. I hate myself, oftentimes others, and I'm kind of a recluse. I'm certain other people can smell it on me, the neurosis. That said, I've been having more career success (lol) once I stopped being such a hikki, so I'm sure you're right. I'll have to exert myself. Yargggh, an actual challenge in my life.

>>70510 Do you think I could haunt a cafe to find a cute gorl? I'm short but I have a nice face, per my exes.

>>70509 For me it's always been mostly the other way around; the few friendships I've had I was very passive about it and didn't initiate anything. But a few times when I felt guilty about that and tried to take more initiative, it was made clear these people did not want that. The only thing I can conclude is that by being extremely passive I selected for people who wanted someone to talk to but wouldn't impose or ask for attention or anything. The idea of people not caring about you sounds bad, and it is bad, but I'm not sure it's really that bad. You can still call someone your friend if they aren't strong or considerate enough to care for you, and it can still be worthwhile to be a part of their life. Friendship isn't a credential and it can mean whatever you want it to. That isn't to say you don't deserve some reciprocation, or that you shouldn't look for relationships that have some of that, though I have zero idea how that can be accomplished. Maybe be ok with being alone for a while.

I feel like I lost a lot due to my experiences in childhood. Most of the trouble was not at home but at school. There seems to generally exist this assumption that problems need to emerge mainly from homelife and I dont relate to that. It sometimes makes me question if what I went through was so bad or not. I was generally blessed. I just get sad and angry when I think about how I was such a happy child and then how my experiences with the school system messed me up. I remember noticing that I never felt excitement anymore at around age 10-11. I was depressed to varying degrees for most of my teenage years from around then on. I dont have a very wide memory of it and I lost a lot of experiences because of it. I just coped by closing myself off and now this is part of who I am. I do not want to feel more. I want to just indulge in feeling cold and not caring. I have no inate drive to be moved or make a special effort to make new relationships with people. I feel alienated from other people. In my mind there is a conflict between this experience and my philosophy that despises misanthropy and nihilism. Its my egotistical dream to just not care about other people, to show no regard. I think my feelings are muted and my socialization a bit messed up. Making myself care is difficult and its uncomfortable when people expect it of me, though it makes sense that they would. I am bad at empathising and talk about things in an inappropriate way because I do not feel the weight of the topic, even if I understand it cognitively. Im just annoyed with it. Not with how I am, but with what is expected of me, and I grieve what Ive lost due to things out of my control.

My life is becoming more and more dull. Old relationships seem to fade away and I'm bad at making new ones... and the things that I found exciting once now seem boring or uninteresting. I think a change is coming soon.

>>70507 Socializing is a skill; practice makes perfect. And people who are around you a lot, or for a long time, will tend to like you regardless of your specific personality. Proximity breeds affection. So the more you can be involved in social activities the better (according to your tolerances for social exposure, of course)! Having friends and by extension romantic partners is an ironic feedback loop - the more social connections you have, the easier it is to form new ones. Luckily it seems you are in a populated area and attending school which should give you many opportunities. When you enter the workforce you may find this a good place to form relationships as well.

>>70435 Honestly I'm mostly managing ok with this situation. Just as COVID, it allowrd me to reconsider my priorities and break away from norms that were stifling me. You know, when you are a bad guy for just having a misfortune of being born here or immigrating and that basically leaves a permanent stain and blood and tears of a million people on your hands and simultaneously you are an internally unwelcome element and a ideological traitor you have 2 ways to go about it. The first is to feel like soykaf. The second is to realise how arbitrary this whole thing is and finally have the chance to detach yourself from this whole moral paradigm. Ironically I'm half Ukrainian and a bit Polish and Jewish myself, so yeah, that's fun. That being said, I do have something to vent about that grinds my gears to no end. It's the expectation that is indoctrinated into everything including myself that I should strive for a better career, education and living situation despite the circumstances. I dropped out from university because it's an obvious honeypot as soon as they want to start getting more people and just got a job that has nothing to do with anything I did before close to the place where I live now. I love my parents but it just infuriates me to no end when they in one breath talk about how we should get harsher and win this war already but simultaneously I should avoid going there at all costs while at the same time I should go back to university and finish my degree. I dropped out at the start of the last semester and basically have everything except my diploma and one exam passed... Too bad you have to register at your millitary commissariat when you go back. I had to do the same to leave, but I got lucky because they weren't there that day so I just promised I would go in the other day and fill my papers then... It's kind of amazing how most of the system works on assumptions that you must do all the government tyranny upon yourself willingly just in case they actually punish you if you disobey. Well tough luck because their institutional infrastructure is so bad they can't process willing volunteers. I ironically feel that Western idea that I should be on the grind as long as the situation allows some degree of normality. Nothing wrong with this fascist authoritarian/oligarchical cleptocratic capitalism, you just need to grind harder for the motherland or some soykaf like that. While we literally are having every available surface covered in this bizzare symbology that makes zero sence historically and basically all media channels, speakers in squares and busses are taking a page out of Goebbels. It's a very special kind of rat race mentallity, the most deranged kind. Reminds me of the NEPmans from the 1920s. So yeah, TLDR is why do I feel the pressure to risk my life just so I can make more money or get a more prestigious degree? It's ridiculous.

>It's another day of thinking "If I was a 6/10 white girl, my life would be ten times better"

>>70530 and 10x more neurotic! bluff with the cards you've got in your hand. if you pretend it's fine, it might just turn out fine. you can't pull an ace out of your sleeve without cheating, and cheating often has consequences.

Is there any hope for neetdom recovery after your 30s? I spent all these years half-assedly learning web dev, thinking that if push comes to shove, I could always work as a programmer. I managed to date a true keeper of a girl and I thought that it was time for me to get a job with all the soykaf I knew, but the market seems fuarrrked. Other than the massive gap of nearly 10 years of unemployment in my cv, I also discovered that even for the greenest junior position, they want a year or two of experience. When I did finally land an internship, I realized how little I actually knew. Turns out there was a whole world of difference between just following tutorials and working on a blank project and building it up. That and with all the layoffs and AI soykaf happening, there are barely any junior position offers I can take anyway. Been feeling like soykaf for days now, can barely stomach food and barely got any sleep. Meanwhile the team is expecting me to give them my finished part of the work today while I was busy looking up tutorials all week. Shit's fuarrrked, I think.

>>70530 9 times out of 10 a thought like that means you *are* a girl (assuming you identify as a man). unless you're just being misogynistic.

>>70533 You might be projecting. I had an education that aligned almost perfectly to my first job, and I was useless for months, and could do some limited tasks for a while after that. When you work somewhere for a while you get hyper-specialist knowledge about the system and the context. In your case the libraries being used and the coding style of the colleagues. Just make sure you learn things and keep improving, By the way, I also can't find any openings where I meet the requirements, and feel very soykafty when doing job interviews. So you're not alone and it's not hopeless for that reason. I've got an 8-5 near amsterdam available, btw. linux stuff, web stuff, windows stuff, and other misc computer stuff, all wanted.

>>70536 I would be all over that if I was in EU. Still real nice of you to leave the info out, lain. Ngl, I found your words really encouraging. Guess I will keep grinding and hope for the best. Good luck to you too~

>>69408 I just feel trapped in my ways. I am a normal person doing ok in life, but I am just addicted to porn/masturbation and eating bad food, and I feel like I tried everything to get out of this. Self improvement, philosophy... But I just relapse. I need help

>>70322 Hell yeah, it stopped raining. I fixed the concrete but there are still some finishing touches I need to do. It all takes so much time.

>>70540 Allow yourself to be yourself then, lainon. When you feel temptation go for it voraciously, don't deny yourself, indulge instead until you are satisfied. And when you are just move on an live your life A little porn and fast food addiction that spikes from time to time is not something to fret over. Just make sure to compensate by doing exercise afterwards. This idea that life should be a static linear or exponential growth of character is ridiculous and only harmful You oscillate. We all do. Just try to enjoy both the sinking into the depths of hedonism and the climb back up the slope from it. They are both enjoyable in their own way.

How do I stop hating linkedinposting, and other forms of public braggery and arrogance? Let's get this out of the way immediately: I /am/ envious of many of these people. I have a fairly good reason for being a year behind in life, but it still burns. My "Uhgm, actually..." brain revs up whenever some AI grifter opens his mouth.

I hate living in a 3rd world country soykafhole.

i am paranoid, i do not trust anyone that isn't a direct family, i wanna make friend but i am afraid that they might hurt me or my family (i know it is ridiculous to be scared of Jeff the it guy but i don't know the man he might be a sick indifideule). i do not have a personality because i never socialized with people and never share my interest with people. i wanna die so i don't have to deal with people.

>>70408 >>70410 Followup post: I looked it up and apparently if your employer lies about why you're being terminated there's no legal repercussions (at least not in Burgerland) Maybe me complaining about this stuff is naive but why aren't there legal protections against this sort of thing? You'd think that if your income, and consequently your livelihood, is dependent on corporate/contract work the minimum requirement for letting you go would be transparency. Though apparently they can just make soykaf up or make claims unrelated to their actual decision. God I love my country.

>>70548 Thi spresumes human beings have some inherent rights and are equal before the law. Thats probably the most sinister way to take these rights and the equality: to simulate that they exist in everything but practice. Rights are a privelege granted to the masses by the ruling class because they deem it beneficial to them. As you can see, there are thousands of people like you and they can't do anything about this even if they tried. "Burgerland" is a republic, your Constitution is full of distrust of both powerful class, military, clergy and the common folk. Too bad the millitary industrial complex and corporate political syndicate circumvented that to a noticeable extent.

>>70549 That's not all the US circum'd, without which they couldn't have accomplished even a fraction of the mindless algae bloom behavior they have.

>>70542 yeah, idk... "self improvement is masturbation", or some soykaf like this, but I don't even enjoy those activities that much

Since my last job ended, I've been having a very hard time finding another one that doesn't want a PhD (which I've also been unsuccessful with). Most stuff I'm qualified for seems to be in the US but I've failed to marry the Americans I've known on at least three occasions. There's also a couple of posts in Singapore which might be easier to get a visa for so maybe I'll try those.

I've been forced to interact with normal people for a while now and I hate it, I truly believe that nothing goes on in their heads. They are two-faced, ignorant, passive aggressive, shallow, and dismissive. Yet they will constantly bitch about their problems and pretend that they're good people and go all "oh woe is me, the world is against me", then they turn around and say or do awful things without a single shred of self-awareness, usually behind peoples backs. They are just not grounded at all, they've never really been through anything real in their lives and it shows, they are just insufferable to be around. All self-absorbed, they wear their ignorance like it's a badge of honor. They will force their interests and tastes onto you, and then scoff at your attempts to introduce your interests to them, then they go even further and try to obstruct any form of happiness to you because someone having interests that differ from theirs is unforgivable. They just love to hear themselves talk, and are obsessed and addicted with gaining the validation and approval of their peers. Their whole identity revolves around shallow things, they will bitch about their lives but then do nothing about it. A bunch of shiftless, ignorant, trifling, pathetic, fake as fuarrrk, immature, good for nothing assholes stuck in their lot in life. I could contest them, challenge them, talk back, whatever, but it's ultimately not worth it. I usually just go the high road and not fall for their baits, not because I'm the bigger person or anything like that, but because I don't want to give them the satisfaction nor the time of day. I'm smart enough to know that it's what they want, someone they can belittle and provoke so that they sink to their level. I don't claim to be a good person, far from it, but at least I don't debase myself doing petty soykaf like this because I actually realize that it causes more problems than it's worth. It does wear you down day after day however, but I don't know what requires more effort, stonewalling all their crap or succumbing and standing up for yourself day after day.

>>70573 >I truly believe that nothing goes on in their heads Why do you think some people like to call them NPCs? They're Hylics, they are empty inside

>>70569 > I've failed to marry the Americans I've known on at least three occasions. have you tried sex?

I have developed the habit of eating for self soothing. I used to view food as a drug, eating strictly in functional terms. I used to be able to go days without eating. I fasted for 7 days with ease. My willpower is gone, I feel as though the world is draining and devouring me.

>>70562 I know it's questionable but consider this. Most people who are now known to be successful had weird stories full of wild changes of fortune. Failure to do something provides you with valuable life experience that can help avoid this or incorporate it into your life in the future. >>70569 I mean, you don't seem very motivated for pursuing this career of yours. Maybe try doing something different? The fact that you have an education in a specific field doesn't restrict your choices, it only expands them. Nowadays it's becoming more and more evident that what people need is a person with knowledge in two fields of expertise that can bridge them because everyone is so hyperspecialised it has become a problem. >>70573 There's always a bigger fish, lainon. There are millions of people on this earth who would consider you a waste of space if they were inclined to be judgemental. In the end your real bar of measurment is yourself. If you find it hard to live among people like that leave or adapt, otherwise it's on you. Nobody owes you to be more cerebral and frankly they probably lead much happier lives than you do. >>70577 Your will power is gone because you drained it on questionable practices. Try intermittent fasting instead, that worked for me and many others. Also, consider that you might have bulimia.

>>70579 >Your will power is gone because you drained it on questionable practices. I would say I used it incorrectly. It was ultimately drained by the factors which the practices were intended to counterbalance. Agree about IF. That's basically what I do these days, try to anyway. Eat one meal per day.

>>70576 I'm rapidly approaching wizardhood. I knew two from the internet but I lost contact with them. I was too shy to ask the girl I knew from university on a date. >>70579 >you don't seem very motivated for pursuing this career of yours I check job sites daily for research posts I'm qualified for (worldwide) but at the moment there's only one in my country. Even then, I don't have the experience they want for it. The biggest problem is that nobody is hiring for this kind of work where I live, and it's unlikely that I'd get a visa for the any of the posts in the US (of which there are a lot more). My last job was interdisciplinary and entirely unrelated to what I've published, as are the jobs I've seen advertised in Singapore (where it's much easier to get a visa). I was very, very fortunate to get my last job, even though it only lasted for a few months before the project ended. I could publish more or apply for a non-resident fellowship to make my resume better but I wouldn't be paid for either of those.

>>70579 >I know it's questionable but consider this. Most people who are now known to be successful had weird stories full of wild changes of fortune. Failure to do something provides you with valuable life experience that can help avoid this or incorporate it into your life in the future. you're probably right, but it's not about being successful or whatever, I'm just not happy with those habits, and mostly, I keep on repeating the same mistakes.

>>70579 People are the same the world over though, I don't think much will change if I went somewhere else, and I'm already adapted but it's soul sucking and mentally draining. Unless I somehow find a way to completely isolate myself from everyone in existence, I don't think I'll be able to find a way out of this. Also I'd rather not derive my happiness from stepping on the toes of everyone around me, it's just stupidly selfish. Sure I'm happy, but what about everyone else?

>>70580 Good on you for acknowledging and learning from your mistakes, lainon. Life's a journey that would be pretty boring if you never experienced any hardship and reached the destination fast. >>70583 A fellow academian, I presume? I kinda decided to just drop it for a while till I get a reasonable independent source of income or get a good job offer before I come back to get more degrees and join the lab. For now I'm enjoying the simple pleasures of 5/2 40h job that doesn't really tax me (I usually actively work for like 4 out of 9 hours that I'm here but still manage to get stuff done while I listen to audiobooks or read on my phone) My personal projects stalled a bit but it's mostly due to personal life interference so I will resume work on it soon. It feels good doing your favourite thing not as a job but as a hobby at your own pace. >>70584 Perhaps if it persists so much it's not a bug, but a feature of your character? If so I would advise against fighting yourself or hating yourself for being the way you are. Focus on your good points and discourage bad ones and it's going to be fine. I'm sure you are an all around good person so a little blemish is not something to be so judgemental over. Do a good deed every time you fall for some of your shortcomings and you are fine >>70587 That's a very contradictory way of life, lainon. In one hand people are repulsive, but on the other you can't bring yourself to use them for gain. It seems your upbringing or something like that has trapped you in a no win situation. I suggest reconsidering your views. It can go both ways, I think it's not really important. Either go all the way and just live like a protagonist surrounded by NPC's or accept that some people are just content with less and maybe your superior understanding of the world is more of a curse than a gift and you might envy that simple outlook. Intelligence is not always a good thing to have, nothing is.

It's 2AM the night before an important job interview and my brain wants to have a manic episode FUARRRK

>>70416 You see it with people like Luke Smith and Mental Outlaw, generally people who were previously into tech, and are affiliated or identify with cyberpunk, niche technology, retro tech circles tend to become more hostile to tech as their life progresses. I see it happening with myself, remember that you have no obilgation to be here and if you want to leave, leave. If you want to pursue a more grounded, natural, and traditional lifestyle, so be it. It's a very nice life

>>70590 Based and mood lability pilled. Will show up for interview either addled or exhausted. 10/10

won't the sun just raise again? just why can't I go back into those days? what should I do?

Now more than ever I think I must disconnect from the world completely. I have become completely lost and hollowed out. I am too old and not ready to move on. The world is trying to devour me, it did everything to thwart and break me, it tore me into pieces and cast me into an inner labyrinth. I emerged only to find it's way too late. I suspect I'm already dead and this is purgatory. I died in a car crash 5 years ago. I'm losing the plot completely, the script is not in view, I am being dissolved. I thought I had to recreate a self, but maybe that is what will rob me of the last of my power. What good is it to try to recreate the past in the hope of doing it right this time? that person is dead, that time is gone, everything is gone. I realized years too late.

>>70638 Everything I think about, everything I've ever come up with, is now manifesting into reality as well. Is that why I'm here? They were mining me and everyone else for ideas and now I'm no longer needed? The more I think about it the more it seems I have no free will. I feel extremely boxed in. I was taught that your thoughts affect reality in childhood, now that I see how true it is I feel completely paralyzed. Trying to think at all I feel like I'm a bird bouncing against a window. My mind reflexively recoils and returns to a default "safe mode". Extreme brainfog daily. Want to go back to taking NAC, but in the short term it trashes my gut and produces drowsiness. Something I cannot afford right now.

>>70639 >Extreme brainfog daily. Look into insulin resistance, fasting, ketosis for mental issues. You probably haven't yet.

>>70643 Looked into all of it. I was doing all that stuff 10 years ago, now I get to watch normal people and b 0 0 mers do it and just get to go back their lives while nothing works for me. I've been slowly degenerating my entire life. Failed to conquer it in my 20's.

Lately I've been thinking about how staggeringly impossible the odds are that I'm here. First the universe would need to exist in the first place. Then countless generations and centuries would need to pass before my family cones into the picture. Then they have children, and put of them all I specifically am born and given consciousness. There are billions of people with lives and personalities all to their own and I am not even 1% of that number. Yet in spite of those incredible odds I still feel like my life is devoid of purpose. I don't need to be the president or a billionaire or something crazy to feel like my life has meaning. Though I feel like considering the incredibly low odds I specifically would exist and have my own sense of self, it seems almost like I need to exist for some reason for that number to make sense. Like I was chosen to achieve something or qt least live with some purpose in mind. So why can't I tell myself my life has some meaning? To be fair I'm still young, in my 20s, and I could easily discover something later down the line. But it's frustrating for me to thing that for whatever one in billions odds that I would be here I don't know what that purpose is right now.

>>70646 Look into the anthropic principle. As for the purpose, it's to survive and reproduce.

>>70648 Organisms create and intentionally sacrifice certain tissues to protect others. We are cells in an organism.

>>70646 >So why can't I tell myself my life has some meaning? Because it doesn't have, and this isn't a problem. Buddhism solves this problem without having to depend on an artificially produced meaning.

>>70646 The world is probabilistically impossible because it WAS chosen, by God, as a testing ground. Jesus Christ is HIS son, the world over says his name over and over again because HE is real. No other name is said in vain constantly like his. The world likes misrepresenting him and his words, especially those who claim to follow him. Read the KJV Bible if you have any interest answering your feelings.

>>70646 If you choose any point and then throw a dart at a dartboard, the probability that it lands on that point is exactly zero. The ratio is literally 1:infinity. However the chance that it lands on the dartboard is much higher than 0%, depending on how strong you are and how far away the dartboard is and whether you're on Jupiter or whatever. Point being, pretty much every event is improbable, but events happen anyway. Improbable != remarkable.

>>70654 That is obviously not true. Don't listen to him him >>70654 We all came from the primordial that birthed the night Nd day, the earth and the sky. Put 8 corn seeds and 2 drachma on your altar of goddes Athena and pray for her wisdom to whisper in your ear

i wish i did not exist sometimes why do people act different when they become part of a group. i hate them, they are like blobs, not even human.

The only animal that I consume the flesh of, is the pig. This is because cows and sheep are really nice, and the only tasty animals (IMO) are cows and sheep. >>70672 You can convince an animal-minded human that its ok to inflict suffering on people who don't drink milk, it will do so. This makes animal-minded humans (95% of them) evil by way of stupidity.

>>70672 survival tactic. join group, act like group, group shares stuff with you. it's automatic from the largest scale (civilization) to the smallest (playground hazing). have you ever met an autistic gangster? there's a reason for that, and something tells me you're autistic as hell. thats a good thing :)

>>70677 Autistic masking has overlap with NPD. Autists however are poorly conditionable (albeit often naive) and have to expend a lot of conscious cognitive resources to imitate humans. It doesn't come as naturally as the uncanny valley NPD or the psychopath's quite natural and fluid mask of sanity. Though it can be done, autistics have the underlying machinery required to make better shapeshifters and chameleons than normals.

>>70678 probably very true. just last year at a thanksgiving dinner, we talked about thankfulness, and i spilled the autist beans. i dont remember what i said, but i do remember saying something after along the lines of "i don't feel feelings about people. what separates someone special to me from anyone else is how much i owe them." the past year I'd gotten really good at imitation, so maybe it caught them off guard or something. there were tears and "i didnt know it was so bad". it freaked me out because I didn't know it was such a big deal. it's just a math oriented mindset, which i was raised to think was a good thing.

>>70679 Makes me remember one of my own autist moments at Thanksgiving. "You know when you think about it, it's better to have your body injured than your clothing. Clothing isn't self repairing, and costs money." Then the silence... and the look. Sigh.

>>70680 some people get weirded out more than others by that kind of thing. my family would have laughed and argued that hospital bills cost way more than clothes, and clothes can be mended faster than clothing. and i would agree they're right, and add that naturally ripped and patched grunge clothes are awesome. but the old dudes from california retiring in the "rich asshole" district of my town feeding off the housing price consistently look at me like I'm insane. that could be classism at work, though. i wouldnt know. im not middle-class.

>>70681 It depends. I mend my own clothes, and generally it's fine, but it's never quite right and in many cases not as durable as intact fabric. With relatively new clothing or a short term task, trashing what you're wearing is pointless and a hard net negative. Some potential cuts or scrapes to the body is preferable to near guaranteed damage to the clothing.

>>70682 If you're all utility and don't like grunge, I totally get it. I grew up around grunge and 200X "cool guy" archetypes on TV and games, therefore it's familiar, therefore it's the easiest path towards the objective to appear human. thanks to y2k being cool again, it works really well.

>>70675 >I only eat pig but I don't like it As a person who likes cooking, I assure you you can cook pork the way you wouldn't be able to tell it from the same dish with beef or lamb. All animals have different parts with different cuts and ways to prepare and season it. TLDR Skill issue + eat some fish, poultry and beans, it's good and cheap. >>70672 People are social creatures. The worst punishment we do onto someone is isolate them in solitary confinement. I once got so depressed that I shut myself off almost completely for a month or two so and started seeing hallucinations like the walls were pushing in on me and I had the internet and went to the supermarket once in 2 weeks. People forget how to speak and go crazy after a few years of solitary. So I think it's more weird that we are somewhat intelligent on our own or in small groups. Never felt better that living with my partner even if we just do our own things in the same room. Seeing people you trust living their life alongside you is just so primordially comforting. >>70683 Is it really that time? I'm forever in love with the 90s aesthetic even though I only lived there for a few years of my life. Though I'm from provincial background so maybe stuff stuck around enough for me to absorb it

>>70687 y2k/90s is only differentiated by the camera quality on TV. Otherwise the culture was essentially the same where i live. changing the millennium didnt catastrophically change the scene much here. it just inspired the tech industry to future-proof better, and writing the date was a little more interesting. you could say the cultural attitude changed as the alt scene caught on more and more through the 90s, but as a pacific northwesterner, hippies never died. they just wore more black.

>>70677 they do so to establish a power hierarchy. an environment of hostility. it doesn't matter if it's autism or narcissism. i hate people who try to control others.

>>70695 in fact, the more i think about it, the more it starts to irritate me. the worst part is when, instead of admitting they're wrong, they dig their heels further and further into their own assertions and make things difficult for both parties. both for themselves and the people they're trying to dominate. frustrating behavior.

>>70690 Well you live in one of those special places like North Korea, Amsterdam, South Africa, Balkans or Texas where the the local local culture and issues dominate over the globalisation trends.

>>70698 Being wrong = being at fault Admitting fault = removes all doubt and maneverability Losing maneuverability = weakness Weakness = dependency Dependency = loss of social status Loss of status = death Yes. They are like this. They'll fight to salvage their image and only admit indirectly. Fact is, it works.

I don't get how programmers can learn new languages so quickly when I still can't manage python after a year

>>70730 Learn something like C. Python is bullshit. I learned in MS batch though. Then went right to C and C++.

>>70730 how quickly they learn new languages depends on familiarity, familiarity depends on the similarity of previous languages they know.

I feel like I am too stupid to learn programming. I also feel that I must become a programmer. The most surefire way of improving my life appears to be to pursue programming but right now I really don't give a fuarrrk about programming, maybe if/as I learn more I will actualize its potential and develop an interest.

>>70730 define "learn" basic programming is identical regardless of language with the exception of some nice features which you choose specific languages for. The only annoying part is library/api knowledge but that just means wasting more time searching together what you need. That aside i like the previous posters suggestion to learn C/C++ simply cause it doesnt hide anything. If you learn C you understand how computers work at a low level and can reason about performance easier on abstract languages that might hide memory handling and data types but still fall under same performance restrictions. Phyton aint bad though if you just want fast results and dont care about other details. Its used a lot by academics so you can find easy libs for math, cv, ml

>>70733 I self taught myself programming while I was -In constant pain often to the point where you vision desaturates and goes white -Autonomic dysfunction, low blood pr[essure, and tachycardia -Heat intolerance -Couldn't eat without extreme brainfog and amplification of the above -Couldn't sleep -Regularly went days without eating -Would get tired and just lay down on the floor, then get up and go back to programming -Visual snow -Tinnitus -Upper cervical issues that cause the left side to feel strange and be weak -And many others In this state I still TAUGHT MYSELF to write in C and C++. Though admittedly I'm pretty burnt now and never worked in the industry, fact is I did it. It is the pressure that shall hold you together. You have no excuse. Do it. Do it NOW.

>>70736 I don't believe you. But also, the person you're replying too is a pussy and should lern.

>>70739 Nice time stamp. I don't care what you believe. He needs to do it now. And you need to piss off and do something now.

Despite being a hikineet all my life, I decided to go to a bar and ended up meeting a cute girl. She blushed and giggled at my jokes and stories and seemed fun to talk to. As I got up to go, she looked disappointed and asked "your leaving?" I replied "Yeah, I gotta go. Nice talking" she stared for a while, almost like she was expecting something, before I headed for the exit. It didn't hit me till about an hour later that she was waiting for me to ask her number. I'm never leaving my room again.

people who betray others need to be shot. how hard is it to act on a level of reciprocity? i don't think narcissists and blob people are capable of doing so, they are hypocrites to the maximum degree. i hate blob people they all need to die

>>70742 Damn. I feel second hand pain from that. Look into the LoA threads on /x/. You can manifest running into her again. And or try going back to that bar at a similar time / day. It can be done, done it myself only with someone I hadn't seen in 10 years. Ran into her within a week.

>>70742 Oh come on lainon, people didn't have numbers back then and that managed. Be a bit more Romantic and pursue her. Go to that bar again and ask the bartender if she or someone who was with her comes regularly. Even if not just visit occasionally in holes she shows up. You may even meet someone else in that time. If you visit regularly and let people know you are looking for someone the word should reach her. Even if not you'll meet new people.

>>70713 why can't they just say, "i'm sorry." "i acknowledge what i did was wrong, doing x was bad and i will try to do better." what is so hard about that? i don't understand. it's so infuriating sometimes, they should just admit what they did was wrong, especially in a context where it's so inarguably black and white.

>>70760 Puts them in a submissive state, for which they gain nothing.

>>70761 people are only put in a submissive state if they are morally unadaptable. because they rationalized things incorrectly.

i'm in the fourth year of my cybersecurity bachelor's. i've still got four more semesters to go until i finish it, provided i pass everything this time. the idea of getting a job is scary. i'm not sure if i actually enjoy the work, but i have no idea what else to pursue. and in computer science fields, you need all sorts of certifications and experience and connections that i don't know how to get. i've kinda been studying for some certification exams, but there's so much material and there's no timeframe and i technically don't *have* to do it so it's very easy for me to slack off. i don't actually have any ambition in life. i just want to sit around all day. does that make a loser? if being a loser means i can do whatever i want, then i don't care. i used to dream about being an author or game developer whatever, but i've come to realize that i just liked the *idea* of being those things rather than the actual act of doing them. i just want the recognition and praise. it seems that you're supposed to somehow discover some burning passion within you when you have a lot of free time, but nothing interests me. i have no hobbies. i've tried lots of stuff, but it's all so boring to me. even when it comes to watching anime or playing games i have to force myself sometimes. in my free time i tend to just sleep because i'm so bored with everything. i'm very jealous of a lot of you people who do computer stuff for fun. it's like it all comes so easy to you, and i'm the only person in the world who's struggling. normally you'd recommend that someone in my position seek therapy, but i live in america. what's my plan for the future, then? i think i'll get whatever crappy job my degree will allow, then continue doing the bare minimum to survive.

In my senior year of high school I fell into heavy, heavy dissociation and DPDR. The summer afterward I spent in isolation with almost no human contact. I fought it hard and have recovered mostly but for some reason I'm still very fond of those times and I don't know why. Even though I have a successful career path, friends, and people, I have a strong urge to throw it all away and become a hikkimori. Why is this? Is it just to avoid the effort of living a successful life? Would it even be worth it? Maybe I just like how dissociating makes me feel special? Why am I fond of dissociation?

>>70772 Living in your head. Dematerialized space of (illusory) infinite possibility, no reflections, no bounds, no bonds, no world constantly telling you who you are. Even success does this. The loving wife does this. The kids does this. The whatever, does this. They're all reflections creating a self and imposing a sense of who and where you are. When youa re detached and isolated, you return to the primordial state of being everything and nothing. States are wider, there is less need to constrain. You don't need to lock yourself into the same name, same body, same behavior and personality everyone expects to remain relatively constant day to day. It's all gone, you're floating ina void, everything and nothing, life is a dream. Imagine yourself walking over this triangle. You start out at the base, full spectrum. As you walk into the world and become both in and of it, you are narrowed down to the point at the top. Yes, real life opens doors, but once you've known complete detachment and isolation with the DPDR component you never truly forget that place. Especially if you weren't quite done with it.

>>70773 Are you done with it? What did you find?

>>70773 I know I wasn't done with it. I think I'm going to make art about that place, at the very least, so others can see what I saw.

>>70736 yes but your IQ is probably higher than mine

That big ass blast in Beirut back in 2020 was really cool. Hope they get another one of it so we get more videos. Tired of pretending it ain't so :)))

Does anybody else avoid work due to what teh n0rmals call "hyperfocus"? I feel like I need at least 1.5 hours allocated, maybe 2 hours, to actually get some real work done. Although I /can/ make progress in 30 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, it's like it's barely enough time to warm up, and the work ends up "sticking" to my brain when I end that interval. It's more of a problem than one might think, as interruptions and appointments in daily life are constant.

>>69627 Turn your life into art? Unironically, lose something or go through pain such as a breakup or unrequited love, having it snatched from you at the last moment. You'll be filled with so many thoughts, pure emotions such as love, closure, annoyance, irritation, self-pity, anger and eventually, the decision of action to overcome that struggle. Every moment becomes a reflective art, and eventually becomes a dynamic art where you decide to become a better person to find a better person for you.

I miss having online friends who are into tech/music/linux and soykaf and it is so hard to find now. I have irl friends and relationships which are fine but some online buddies would help. I used to be big into IRC and niche forums but that was 10 years ago. Now it is all Discord and gaming centered. I just want to bullshit with some people on an IRC channel but nobody would know me and I would feel awkward interjecting into someones conversation.

>>70877 Bitch, hop in Lainchan irc