/vent/ #35

"being alive is kinda gliteryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Everyone ignores me and always has. When I was twice in my life a girl asked me out, but once I turned them down, and made it clear I didn't want to have sex with them, they started ignoring me. It proves most people only talk to you if you can provide something to them: I guess I can't provide anything to anyone. I try to add people on Instagram and talk to them, but they don't ever respond. It makes me wonder if I'm shallow like those people; if I was in their position, would I ignore someone like me?

>>66052 Perhaps, but what are the alternatives?

>>66058 That's a very interesting question...

Do not read Solaris by Stanislaw Lem if you still miss her. If you have used to pretending you don't despite still dreaming of her, do not read it.

I want to be alone and just live off fish in somewhere near alaska or some soykaf at this point.

>>66054 such is life i suppose, no suprised the enlightened wish to escape it permanently

>>66104 Miss who? post too short

>Be all "inclusive" and "diverse" and "accepting" >Hate everything Japanese because "weebs bad and weeb things bad, also you're all closet pedophiles" >Hate everything Chinese because propaganda told you so >Hate everything European just because (have a French friend who gets really down about it) >Hate any and all weird or small subcultures just because they're weird Sorry for the crude speech but it's all just so exhausting, seeing all of the lies and hypocrisy. I normally hate being all toxic and petty like this (bitching and talking behind people's backs) but I'm just having an awful day and need to vent. I know that trying to be a better person leads you to obsessing more and more over the negative flaws of other people, but it's just discouraging and saddening to just see people act so two-faced and completely opposite of how they want to come off as. Thanks for reading if you did.

>>66267 I feel ya. "DEI" is often a codeword for "lots of petty BS here!"

>>66272 Thing is that there's nothing wrong about it, absolutely we should be more inclusive and accepting of other people, it's only human to do so. It's just that if people can't express their negativity using that avenue, they'll find any other means to do so, completely defeating the messages, meanings, and morals they claim to tout and that we're trying to instill in everyone. I think one lesson I've come away with in life is that most people lack integrity, and the ability to "walk the walk". What makes it worse is that then other people see that, and then think that all of that stuff is just self-righteous, frivolous, self-fellating nonsense and eschew it all completely. It just makes it all worse, because now you have people trying to "rebel" or people who think that it's all fake and then proceed to say or do horrible things because "everyone secretly does that stuff right?" I'm probably not making much sense, but it's just stuff I've observed in other people while I try my best to "walk the walk" myself.

>>66282 >it's only human to do so I kindly disagree. This extreme tolerance is a relatively new things in human culture. We do not need to keep it, it's had little to no positive impacts on various civilizations.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck reality is soo goddamn crushing. Been a hikki for years, and prior to that was very anti-social in school, Ive been going out for 2 months(every saturday or so) and talking to the same people I used to see when I was young(small town). It's so crushing to realize people that could've been a lifelong friends with a lot of memories with me are strangers I struggle to talk to and feel so much pressure when around(imagine there's these groups of people that know each otherfor years and you just intrude), also everybody is busy with adult life so the talks that we have are so shallow compared to when everybody was still chill and had no responabilities. It feels like I should just move to a different city and start hobbies and meet new people, because I feel so bad when talking to these people, jesus christ.

>>66212 Thanks for responding to my post. I agree with you. >>66306 I agree with you, too. I wish I could just experience simple pleasures, like looking at snow fall. > It's so crushing to realize people that could've been a lifelong friends with a lot of memories with me are strangers I know this feel so much. Its so rage inducing, and it makes me not want to date or have friends, its like: we aren't on the same grounds, they have all been friends for so long, and I haven't.

>>66331 I really don't hope to be a real friend to any of them, it's more to have these acquaintances that I can have some fun with. What's more crushing is my attempts to be nice are answered with indifference, something I try to never do with people. I guess that's the best you can hope to have with people after a certain age, unless they are really like you.

I don't see a way to fix my life within the practical constraints of being me at this current moment in these circumstances. To change my circumstances, I'd have to change certain things about me as a person, learning, habits, etc, but circumstances don't really allow for anything I can think of. I don't see a way to break out of the loop of external circumstances preventing learning or internal growth etc. That feels like what other people are for, but I don't really have anyone who cares for me in a practical sense. There are a few people who will give nominal support or enough help that I don't literally kill myself, but nothing that will help me actually fix anything.

2022 was the absolute worst year of my life, Im so fuarrrking lonely and I just want things to go great for a change.

I wrote something longer, but there's no point. I lack the skill to communicate what happened to me with others. There's not a dozen people on this planet who have had what I had and lost what I lost. Trying to write it out feels utterly hopeless like I'm a child trying to make fine art with crayons. I am truly alone. >>66351 Changing habits is hard. I've been trying but most days I just cannot summon the will. >>66353 I hope things get better for you, in ways more substantial than just the dulling of pain that's natural with time.

>>66353 The only reason 2022 isn’t the worst year of my life is because 2023 already beat it. Can’t wait for 2024

A few years ago this bitch killed my dad so she could inherit his property by claiming to be his spouse. Now everyone that has some ability to claim inheritance of his property is trying to do so. Everything was meant to go to me. Now I got 3 other people including this horrible woman contesting me over my birthright, and the best part is they are all working together under one lawyer, sharing legal fees etc. My lawyer recently ditched me so now I have nobody to back me up, I think he scammed me, he took my money as a retainer and for two years he never did anything other than tell me to get one single document which I did get, in the end I found out he could've got the document himself. I had to go out of my way to get that document. He wanted more money recently but there is none left to give. Now some court proceedings are finally under way, I guess I'll see what happens with the property. Even still you have to consider who would actually want to purchase any of the property, also the whole time this evil woman has been living off of my father's property so she is just chipping away at all that remains. In the end no justice will ever be done, this woman was absolutely involved in the death of my father, the circumstances were so suspicious, and her behavior was especially damning. She ensured no investigation was conducted into his death, it has been years now, any evidence is long gone. She will never face justice. I have no power over the situation, everything is happening in a foreign country, I'm thousands of miles away, can't do soykaf to these people. I don't even feel anything anymore, for the last few years I have slowly watched as everything in my life has slipped away through my fingers and all the while I have grown to care less and less.

I was an extreme loner/hikki throughout my teen years and my 20s. By the time I was 18 I begun completely avoiding other people my age and spending most of my life online. I am now in my late 20s and I've still managed to make no friends, never been in a relationship. I moved to a completely new city and push myself to go out every day, be more confident and not wrap myself up in negativity. But when I see young teens and people in their 20s having fun, hanging out, being a couple, it frustrates the hell out of me. I'm happy for them, it's just I feel like I wasted my youth chasing grades, acting superior to others while drowning in self-loathing. Look, now I am socially dysfunctional and haven't learned basic social skills or emotional intelligence, no matter what I do, I come off as weird and strange to the people around me. Even my co workers have stopped talking to me. It's hit and miss, I'm trying to build and move past it. But this feeling that I'm now an adult but I lost my youth, I lost out on a teen crush, sneaking out with friends etc. it just fills my heart with sadness.

Youtubes been reccomending me a lot of "guy" videos so to say. I am a guy, but its content im usually not interested in but I decided to give it a watch . It got me thinking about my lack of a father, and his kind of soykafty behaviour the few years he was alive that I remember. More importantly how it affects how I relate to guys. I actually have friends who I think are even worse off who had both parents, they say from youth they noticed a kind of incompetence with their parents. Ive gathered it probably started with soykaf like getting irrationally angry, or forgetting them at school. Said friends seem to have little interest in people in general, and ive discovered its actually a pretty common story. For me only my dad was like that, when hed come over randomly it was always tense or not fun anymore. Id randomly have to do things or be ordered to do things me and my mom would normally discuss. I still always had to do what my mom said, but the thing was my mom could always outargue me to where I just realized she was right. And my mom was considerate. I never saw my mom as incompetent (in fact I looked up to her), while my dad I very much did. He ended up dying when I was 5 due to a drug related murder and I dont recall caring at all, I still dont. 90% of the time when I hear people talk about their dads I think, thank god I didnt have one. But im definitely missing something as a result. A little anecdote il let you kind of decide what it means; as a a kid shortly after my dads death, I was just like 5, I really started taking an interest in religion. I remember I asked for this little jesus in a bottle display my catholic grandpa had and also asked him to take me to church and I was sort of obsessed with the jesus statue at the head of it. Just weirdly liked jesus a lot as a kid even though my mom didnt raise me with any religion at all (she was supportive of my interest though as she was with most things). As I got older, I sort of hopped around a lot of religions and today I consider myself just kind of vaguely religious with my own little system. One thing that prevented me from ever originally fully going into say christianity though was its depictions of God as father, he, etc. I didnt find any comfort or shelter or anything relateable in a depiction of god like that and so to this day when I pray I imagine god as like a void, or a cat, or more feminine. When it comes to boys I dont seem to empathize with a lot of them. Im realizing now even just calling them "boys" instead of men is funny and weirdly connected somehow that I dont fully understand. I was, when I had guy friends, the sort of person that if you told me you cheated on your girlfriend I would probably immediately after go tell her to get closer to her instead. And then when id get called out for "breaking bro code" or whatever it wouldnt really mean anything to me cause its hard to explain its like its devoid of anything I need. The guy is and so are the kind of criticisms of my behaviour. Any kind of competition or game of trying to be more of a man than me, its totally lost on me. I will at a certain point get angry but its kind of this more primal thing like how we can sometimes have this irrational impulsive anger over a baby crying but we know its not appropriate and the baby cant help it so you calm down. But I noticed there is some things I want from men and some things they can do to rattle me. Be dismissive is one and its really funny one, becauss the reason it rattles me is because of the fact that 99% of guys I have no interest in or any feelings about. So its like if I do and im dismissed its kind of funny I guess I feel weirdly entitled, like "Dont you know I dont have to care about you!?". I also know what makes me like the few men I do like, they are calm and are really devoted to their work whatever it is they do. Like I really covet a thing I see in some men or way of being or mode of thought where they really immerse themselves in their work not for any ego boost but almost it seems like out of some duty to it. The subject just deserves that much attention to them. I am not attentive to detail, and I jump around things constantly and am unfocused a lot, so its something I really wish I could have. And when I see some men exhibiting whatever this is I want to be close to them and I can be very entertaining I think in return. And thats about as close of a connection or feelings im able to share with men ever. I dont like talking to them for very long if im not learning something or laughing, I often do things that I dont even think would hurt them but do like ignoring them or not saying happy birthday or checking in. By contrast with women that are my friends I sometimes end up crying at night just imagining something goes wrong for them, and pretty much always allocate some time of my day almost subconsciously to just checking in or hearing about went on at their work or with their friends and I have almost unlimited patience for it. Its something I need to work on and have cause I have a few friends who are guys I care for, but the care I now give while I think its good seems so forced in comparison. I dont know, I guess its just how I am. Mostly just a me collecting my thoughts post.

>>66409 I feel more or less the same way. You aren't as alone as you think, lain.

ive got a tiny devil inside me

I cut all ties with my family. I sometimes wonder why I was born into a family where pedo incest rape is the custom, deep down I know I deserve it I'm a perverted freak too, not as much as my parents thank god for that. The worst is my little siblings couldn't escape it, I like to tell myself I did everything I could, but I barely did anything, I left them in this hellhole for 3 years and now I'm leaving them in the hands of those predators once again. I went to the police and told everything, nothing a healthy bribe couldn't fix I guess. As always when I hit rock bottom and feel suicidal I turn to writing screenplays, this time I wrote a short dystopian action movie, basically a critique of big pharma with a cool battle at the end. My team is pumped about this new script, we'll be shooting the movie in august, guess I'll kill myself once it's done, then again this is what I told myself the last time I wrote a screenplay too. Things are pretty chill now, I started occasionally streaming video games with my friends and I'm in charge of pre production for the movie, I even have 2 personnal assistants this time. But I'm still the guy that got raped by his mom and let her do the same to my little bro, and that's all I'll ever be, I'll always only feel anger and disgust towards myself, then again I deserve it. I can't even kill myself because I have two little siblings, my little sister hates me now for some reason and I'll probably never see them again anyway, but I can't kill myself because if I do I'll make their life even more terrible. It's fuarrrking agonising to be forced to stay alive like this, every minute feels like torture, I'm probably gonna snap and make it seem like an accident, but that would still be selfish and would still hurt my little siblings. fuarrrk, I want to die so bad.

>>66054 >When I was twice in my life a girl asked me out, but once I turned them down, and made it clear I didn't want to have sex with them, they started ignoring me. Try to think about this for a second. Someone asks you out, to spend some time with you. You decline and imidiatly assume they wanted to have sex with you (from the description it doesn't look this way, asking someone out doesn't mean they want to have sex) so you made it clear to them you don't want sex (which probably made it clear to the girl that your interested only with relationships that are based on sex). The girl does what you asked here and leaves you alone. And then you say >Everyone ignores me Maybe the problem is on your side my friend.

>>66551 I don't feel like actually commenting but this image title made me crack up lol

>>66551 Feeling same kind of soykaf. Every time I go into a depressive episode, I despise everything else about myself, and only see useless and mentally ill garbage, that was raped as a kid. I think that soykaf will never go away, and I will be socially disfunctional my whole life because of that. I don't want to die, I want everybody else dead.

>>66555 >I don't want to die, I want everybody else dead. Two sides of the same coin.

There's so much I want to do but everything takes so much time and money

I think a girl smiled at me but maybe it was something else. She sure was cute as fuarrrk but I dont know if its socially acceptable to just start talking to someone that you are passing by...

Maybe it's just the small amount of people I'm in contact with, but it's extremely hard for me to find people who I can connect with. People who share the same interests with me, respect my interests, and who I can be honest and open and (god forbid) happy around. Every person I've met has either been unstable in some way or have some serious character flaws, one I met over our common interest in trading card games turns out to be an insane neo-nazi racist wasting away as a grocery store clerk, another a long time friend all the way from middle school who's true colors slowly turned out to be a two-faced conniving narcissistic sociopathic piece of soykaf wasting away as a "salesman" at another retail store, and the only real friend I actually had drifted apart from me when he was stuck in China for the longest time and when we met up again we just couldn't connect anymore. Any other friendships I have are all just superficial ones with online friends (message each other once in a blue moon type of deal, not real friendships), and it's just fuarrrking painful how the cards I've been dealt when it comes to the people I'm surrounded by are the worst ones. I just wish I could meet kind and honest people, rather than people who act like stereotypical people. I try to be nice to everyone, I try to treat others the way I'm treated, I try to be understanding and tolerant of others, I try to be apply all the good lessons and morals I've been taught. It all just ends in me getting burned though, making me wonder what the point of being a good person is, makes me wonder if I should just be an awful bully to everyone, but I don't since I'm smart enough to know what lies at the end of that road (and the sheer amount of people who've already fallen into it). It's not even relationships I'm looking for, but just friends, people who I can just talk to and trust, people who I can confide in instead of this, people who can function as a support network for me (and I to them), people I can just hang out with and have a good time. Relationships don't even matter all that much to me anyways, don't want some "trophy" or "prize" to carry around and boast to everyone about (I got nothing to prove), sex really isn't all that, children are expensive and I'd rather not birth someone just to have them go through the same hell I'm going through, also wanting them to have a proper and happy childhood free from damage which I definitely cannot guarantee right now, I'd rather not force someone to be with me out of obligation or because people say that it's "better for me to" or that I "have to", I'd rather the relationship we have to just be honest and filled with actual love that will last, and I respect people's time and space and whatever too much to just be that asshole approaching them for sex or whatever. Also if real friendship is such an impossible feat nowadays, how impossible would a real relationship be? Thanks for reading my deranged nonsensical narcissistic ramblings

>>66583 >i want honest people >people have been honest with me and i didn't like it standup comedy material Gotta self reflect more. You soaked up all the suggestions how things should be from media without questioning it's validity. So now you disappointed because reality can't fit the fiction media created inside your head. And because the model is so divorced from reality you bound to cut off everyone since all people have some flaws. Now there are 2 paths here. Either you fix your mental model or you keep looking for unicorns. Personally i learned to hang with anyone because it makes life much easier and you need to work with people regardless how you like them on job anyway.

>>66584 Thing is that I can do that, like I said before I am courteous to everyone I meet, and I try not to push anyone away unless it grows into something that I just can't overlook anymore. It's just that when I try to deepen bonds and find someone who I can truly iust vibe with, I get pushed away instead, or taken advantage of. It's not being divorced with reality or allowing fiction to pollute your mind like you said, I can hang with anyone as well, just that the people I meet tend to be dangerous or unstable, and I can't in good conscience be an enabler or supporter. I am not asking for perfect angelic beings, nor am I asking for fictional folk. I am 100% able to deal with people at their worst, and I have lots of times, it's just when they start sinking lower and lower, you have to wonder whether or not it's okay to let them continue. I know that doing the whole "steering people" thing isn't what a real friend would do, but at the same time I worry for these people and want to see them in better places and better states, yet I get pushed away, and there's nothing I can do at that point. I guess it doesn't matter though, and that I should just bury my moral compass and empathy. It's never done anything for me so far, as my life has proven. Being a "good person" just leaves you alone in life. Makes you wonder why they try to teach you basic humanity early on in life when you're just supposed to just discard it later as an adult.

>>66591 What kind of soykafhole do you live in? This isnt the experience for most people

>>66591 You're simply naive. They teach this to you early so that it is easier to bend and push you over later in life. Some figure this out and grow, others, like you, end up breaking down. What do you expect to hear? That it was all just your poor luck, and should you continue digging through the trash, you'd find gold eventually? You are falling for the same mistake once again. You're maladapted. Only thing there is that has some relevant degree of flexibility is your mind. Too much pitying yourself with little results. Learn to play or get zoned out.

>>66583 I've felt something like you, and I've come to the conclusion that worthwhile people don't care to be friends, for the same reasons that make them worthwhile. The solution is to become one such worthwhile person - you seek the broken ideal of a relationship predicated upon nothing. All is transactional.

Ever since leaving school about four or five years ago I've found myself without purpose, and all I can do now is simply exist. I tried university, but when I realized that I was once again going to be stuck in a classroom waiting for it all to end, I dropped out. Haven't been able to gain employment, with most jobs either requiring credentials and/or experience that I lack or requiring me to travel long distances every day using money I have to borrow from others. In my home life, I'm surrounded by people whom I absolutely despise, and it takes a great deal of willpower on my part to stop myself from doing something criminal just to let them know what I think about them. I have no friends, and I don't believe I'm able to trust anyone for long enough to consider them as such. Even though I'm still young, I can feel time slipping through my fingers. I can feel this pressure on me, holding me down. I don't know what to do or what I want out of my life, beyond not wanting to spend the rest of it as a broke NEET. Sometimes, I break down, and the only question on my mind at the end of it all is "Who am I?" I don't have an answer. For me entire life, I've been led by other people. Family, teachers, classmates. All of them telling me what I "ought" to be and what I "should" be striving towards. There was a point in my life where I'd do whatever was asked of me, desperate for approval, desperate to be loved. What I got in return was mockery, scorn and pity. Was I in the wrong, or was there some long-running joke that I was not aware of? It is like kicking dead whales down the beach being the punchline. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach being so weak and powerless. Don't really know where I'm going with any of this. Maybe I just want an end to the cyclical nature of my life. Maybe I just want to know what it's like to feel real. Maybe I wish I still had some sense of child-like wonder and innocence, instead of allowing this bitterness to take hold of me. Maybe I just want some money in my pocket for a change.

Once again I'm feeling depressed and dead inside. Something has just been missing my entire life and I can never find it. I've done so much to try to find my life enjoyable but then after returning home to my room, I feel the numbness return and my spite for life. I've made some big changes over the couple years and I definitely am a different person; started off as being a nerdy introverted smart kid in high school to now where I've worked for several months at a well paying job for my age, am able to socialize and be liked by just about everyone, have friends who really care for me, regularly go to the gym and physically look good, have many hobbies outside of work both athletic and academic and good relationship with family. The reason I've been thinking like this is because there's a new girl I met who for the first time in my life have been getting intimate with. But it just doesn't feel right, won't fix any of my problems and will only cause more. She wants to have sex now after I've basically escalated to it but I don't want to do it. The friends I've talked to about this (though they don't really understand) advise me to continue and not worry about it though it's pointless for me as it'll only make me more depressed but that raises the question, what will help me at this point?

Everything I get involved with withers away and dies. My relationships, my career, my interests, hobbies, everything. I hate that feeling of having a spark inside me smothered over and over. I don't know how to escape this curse. I hate it so much. I hate that everything in my head and my life fades away into apathy. My mind feels like a featureless gray sky over a featureless gray ocean, stretching forever and engulfing anything that struggles to the surface and tries to stick out.

>>66604 In the ego−free state, wherein all things are like the void and cloudless sky,the naked spotless intellect is like a transparent vacuum. At this moment,know yourself and abide in that state. In this state, self-awareness arises without any thought or preconception. It is a place of pure being, a place of stillness and peace. Here, we can experience the beauty of life without being bound to any particular concept or idea. We can simply be, in all its simplicity and joy. This is an opportunity to experience true freedom, free from the complications and attachments of our ego. We can be fully present in the moment and appreciate the beauty of our existence. In this state of mind and heart, we can discover our true self, our essential nature, and our connection to all that is.

Test. Please ignore. Abcdefghi

I'm not depressed currently but don't see a future where I do not kill myself. It's not because I don't have anything and I can't take it anymore but instead that life has nothing to offer and nothing interests me. Im fine for now because being young I'm still exposed to new stuff and can seek it but I don't see myself genuinely feeling love for others and having a family. Just grind for vain knowledge until even that bores me and I end it all. Don't know how to seek help either, I feel like most people wouldn't understand the absurdity of my position and am also scared of it restricting me from doing things I want to do.

I don't really like living but not enough to actually kill myself, I will probably live a life I don't really enjoy and aren't really living until I run out of time and feel the worst pain of regret in my final moments, I have already wasted what would have been the best years of my life

>>66052 I'm always stuck in this state of viewing things as mechanical/artificial, almost everything people do feels to be caught in these little loops of boring, un-mutating, determined behaviors. Sometimes it feels like things suddenly unpredictably burst out into true creativity and fun, lines of flight run everywhere but then everything in the world gets tied back to this boring little bubble that feels as if it could fit in the size of my palm.

>>66104 Have listened to Solaris. Tried not to link her with this book, succeeded. But I still dream (although not in sleep) about her. So Solaris is not the problem, it's just decent book

thank you for an experience thank you for not giving me aids. here is some dollars since i know you are struggling the things i see at night are way worse than any dead parent and theres an anger i deny so strong that any negative reaction to what I see makes me think "let me show you how much worse I can create". I am not hostile i am not aggressive, I can create things that silence and they silence only because i play dumb and naive and like i have no idea what would be shocking about my bevahiour or the things i do or the things i make. Im an alien of a human pretending to be a human pretending to be alien. I am not afraid of absolute filth and base desires and I look down on anyone who looks down to distance themselves. Supposeldy, no one can tell me what to do. I could do unspeakable things to some and not really care, I could do the slightest thing to others and my world would end. I will eat up the words of someone lording over me while denouncing any truth in the words of someone trying to help. I will backstab the people lording over me and accept my own people stabbing me again and again and again. I will save and log every image and word you present i will eat every word you say i will watch when you think you are alone and i will hide from you when you see me. I have a tiny devil inside of me I have a giant angel inside of me. I will be interested in nothing but people i will be scared of people i will ignore people i will avoid people i will spend hours obsessing over people. I will hate those who did not realize what I realize I will see nothing in those who see everything as I see. I will rot in life and live in rot, and I will see rot as life and life as rot. I am bored I am shameless, I am entertained and interested by the slightest unpredicted movements in my periphery and ignore whate right in front of me. I am bored by what eludes me I am fixated on whats in front of me. An ode to my hypocrisy.

>>66654 why do you say such things?

I think I've been lonely far too long, but I'm so used to this state that it feels strangely comforting. It's not that this solitude is not painful at all, but rather it just seems to have been permeating so many aspects of my life for such a long time, that it feels like home.

>>66753 I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. I haven't felt loneliness for years. I'm sure that it's fuarrrked me up somehow, physically, mentally, whatever. Yet, if I had a good friend, what would I talk about? And for what purpose? I can't have "fun". The world is too deadly serious for that.

>>66753 I know this feel too well :(

I'm feeling down these days. I'm not even depressed or sad, just bored. Like a little burnout, I can't really focus on my reading, and I just look at the screen blankly and browse imageboards and do nothing. Feels like I'm wasting my time having nothing to do. I reckon it's partly the screen that's doing this to me, and yet I insist on trying to study, unsuccessfully because I can't seem to focus and I find myself disinterested in every one I do open. I also realize that this is exactly what I brought on myself for not studying formally at a university. It's not like I had very strong incentives back then, but I also got cocky, I realized I could self-study anything I want, and yet here I am, 5 years later not knowing jack soykaf. I'm completely incompetent with computers, I get blocked at the prospect of solving a single math problem, I am just useless. I can now see the argument, that a university provides the environment and the people to inspire and guide one to put some work into getting that knowledge and skills. Here, my own incentives don't seem to be enough, or rather, I get too disperse, no waking second do I spend without second-guessing whatever I am trying to learn at the moment. Which is even worse because I AM at every moment thinking about what I'm learning and wishing to progress, which causes considerable strain on my mind, it (the second-guessing) prevents me from making any significant progress, and ironically, it is probably that which causes me to periodically burn out the way I am right now, and which doesn't just let me let go of my constant need to learn at the same time. It's just that everything is so damn interesting and cool.

This will sound like a wierd vent, but I'm sick of having a physical body. I'm sick of sitting down, laying down, standing up, or any other position my body could be in.

>>66104 Read a plot summary to figure out what this is about. A lover's mentioned somewhere in there but it says she killed herself. Which isn't really related to my situation. Seems neat, might read it.

>>66777 i'm not the lain but it's one of the saddest books i have ever read. i made an analogy to a friend that asked me how it was: it really makes you feel like, you suffered jesus' pain of being nailed to the cross and repenting for sins(i am not christian). it is a psychological torture to read if you understand it. heavy spoilers below if anyone wants to know without reading it basically, the point is not really that she killed herself, but that the man has the regret of having a fight with her the day before she killed herself. years later, the man is a scientist and works at a mysterious planet that apparently shows humans their own psyche and hallucinations. the man now sees her girlfriend once again, and wants to live with her. it is a story about the pain after a broken relationships on a small scale, but a story about pain and melancholy associated to our memories in general, and how we think that our unconscious wants to hurt us. the big twist is that the planet is a metaphor for the human unconscious. my jesus analogy was about this planet being a catharsis. the final pages of the book made me cry so much.

Every life has been a story I worried might never get expressed. Now with recent technology and just amount of people, its almost inevitable mine and all I know is expressed in full at some point even by accident. Finally the work is done, just not by my hands and not now

started making some sort of progress 2021, first half of 2022 was also good, i tried so hard to change my life but then towards the end of the year it all came apart and i fell back down, lost traction and am back to square one, feeling way worse than when I started because it took so much effort for me to do small things that people wouldn't consider challenging only to lose the progress, and losing this momentum has been crushing. I wish I had friends to talk to, either for venting or reassurance but I've never been a pleasant person. maybe that's why i'm alone but I was born to immature parents who also separated when i was a literal baby, I didn't know better and never learned to form human relations. whenever I explore the idea of death I always decided against, I so desperately want to make something out of this life before I go, I don't know why, maybe I want to redeem myself im not sure.

>>66420 I feel you friend, it's tough and there's no guide how to get out of that hell

>>66772 this could change if you start training your body, this feeling could be born of ill physical health try eating better and start working out maybe this you'd feel better being in your body. dont think of this as vain, the point is not to look good but feel good, i don't know you but maybe looking better could also help you

>>66817 The fact thatmyou made some pr0gress at some point is an achievement in itself. Even if it fell apart, which is more common than you know, you now have the experience of getting your soykaf together and can probably get much of it faster now. And ordinary people struggle with all kinds of basic stuff, you would be surprised. I once lived in a house with a bunch of, eh, I guess you could say normal people for lack of a better word, and they couldn't even wash their dishes or keep the place clean or barely habitable.

>>66420 Bad perspective OP, I had the same for a bit, but that sadness was only given form by your pursuit of it. Do you think you would see yourself differently if you weren't culturally adjacent to the "forever alone" archetype and meme? You were happy then, doing things that made you happy. Straying from that path in attempt to join in the perceived mirth of the popular ethos; The grass is always greener on the other side, Lain. I know who I am. I hope you find yourself, too. We're almost 30. Stop looking back at your childhood like you didn't do exactly what you wanted to 90% of the time, material limitations obviously in check. That's still you.

>>66432 It's funny how I was raised in a similar situation from birth but ended up the complete opposite. My parents are divorced since I was a baby and I see my father once in a blue moon. I have little interest in chasing women, and all good friends I had were quite soft and trusting and would never do something to upset the other. I always considered being raised solely by a feminine figure would make your psyche lean closer to the feminine side, not the opposite. everyone is different, i guess. you sound like a complete asshole to me, i wonder if you see any real value in chasing women so desperately as you do, or if you've ever been successful doing so with that attitude.

>>66821 >Stop looking back at your childhood like you didn't do exactly what you wanted to 90% of the time, Not that anon, but I can guarantee this wasn't my case, such a cunty bullshit assumption.

After a lifetime of avoidant behavior I decided to be more social, and now I'm everyone's unpaid shrink. More infuriating is this is a completely 1 way street. In the rare event that I feel like I want to open up to someone, these people are not interested and will change the subject, even interrupting if they need to. I'm everyone's closet confidant as long as long as I'm a silent receptacle for their bullshit, but god forbid I be a fully developed human being with my own hardships, thoughts, and dreams for a few minutes. I guess I should be glad people trust me enough to confide in me, but I can't handle being everyone's trauma dump. What the fuarrrk is this? Are you really going to come to my house under the pretense of watching a movie and then just unload your mommy issues for the entire run time while i sit there in silence? I know I should set boundaries for this kind of thing, but I don't know how. How do you brush off people in pain without feeling like a complete asshole? What boggles my mind is, these aren't broken people that gravitated to me like stray cats. These are just regular people from my extended social circle, many of whom are highly functional well-off professionals with families. They don't do this to anyone else. Why me? I am more socially active in the last couple years than I've been in the rest of my life combined, and yet I'm lonelier than ever, and emotionally overwhelmed. I'm beginning to understand why I isolated myself in the first place. I'm starting to think I need to take some time off, ghost everyone and lock into goblin mode for a week or two to get everyone else's damage out of my head.

>>66833 I'm the "cunty" one you linked, but I don't think you understand my point, so bear with the minor blog post here. I spent most of my time as a child institutionalized for fighting with my mother's boyfriend's and her siding with them, in a poor family damn near destitute me and my sister were alone for a couple years, actually, as my mom gorged herself on vagrance after her sisters suicide. So what? I'm almost 30 I'm not crying, and even literally being in jail I did exactly what I wanted, 90% of the time, because that's who I am. Dude wants to puff his chest out I will suffer the consequences of putting him in his place, all day every day, 365. And I do it alone, with no help, from anyone, ever, for any reason. I'm not friendly and I don't want to be part of any group. Because that's who I am. If you isolated yourself, only later to find out it's not what you wanted - You wanted it at the time. Why? "Material limitations obviously in check" includes me not being able to get a new mom, or being in jail restricting my freedoms, or likely whatever barred you from being a version of yourself that you're not. Crying about soykaf like that is tantamount to being a toddler who wants a toy just because someone else has it. It's not a grave you dug. It's a safe place, Lain. I understand.

>>66846 >"I'm beginning to understand why I isolated myself to begin with." This Lain gets it. Godspeed you beautiful motherfucker. >>66772 I think that's probably related to our digital inclinations, because I suffer the same. Digital reflex is almost instantaneous and extremely efficient. Needing to articulate your body to do anything under the same pretense of simplicity is aggravating, but it's an oddly compartmentalized concept, because while I sometimes feel rage at my bodies ineptitude at doing something simple, swiftly, I don't have any problem staying generally healthy or exercising to extremes. And while I certainly don't feel it as extreme as you, I admire it in myself as a psychological complexity.

It's weird to have had conversations with paedophiles from an early age, I can't even remember the people or how did it even start, I just know that it happened and that it re-wired my brain into being a socially awkward closeted homosexual who doesn't really know what is he supposed to do appart from just reading books and lurking around the internet. One of the reasons to not throw it all away is that I have a very comfortable life, and that as much as I like to whine and complain about getting groomed as a kid, I wouldn't change the comfort of my boring and uninteresting life for a more exciting one. Maybe I've been domesticated like most people, perhaps I should just go to bed, so, good night.

I feel so damn vicarious. Everything I base myself around circles back to other people. Friends from the past or even fictional characters. Everything I want to do, impressive or not, is in the hope that I could make the people, who at this point do not give a soykaf about me, proud. I'm awfully afraid of connecting with others. I'd feel like I was giving myself way if I were to do stuff for other people, among other anxieties. I guess it's the same thing here, but people from earlier times in my life had this quality to them that I just can't find in anyone else. It feels wrong and often times it gets hopeless. I can pick up this new skill or do this new project, which I enjoy doing and certainly gain something out of, but I've got zero people that are interested in it. I've been told I'm a very parasocial person. Most of my social interaction (this being a lot more fulfilling than irl smalltalk/conversation to me) is just following what certain people are doing on the internet in some form or another. It's an okay replacement until I have to deal with the fact that I'm effectively in a hamster wheel working only for myself. Perhaps it's just something I need to cope with.

>>66880 I find that pic tragically attractive. Like if she wasn't drugged out of her mind, there's some real drive and rage in there. She has the dissociative phenotype, which also implies high IQ and high energy, good mitochondria. Looks creative, odd almost androgynous features the more you look at her, my brain doesn't quite know what it's seeing. I also sort of envy her. Like imagine just going off to wonderland and letting go completely. I am not part of the world, so would that be leaving it completely, or complete submersion in it? Both? Neither? I don't know. But I recognize what I'm seeing on a deep level.

>>66897 Is she (or he) even drugged? Doesn't really look like it. But yeah, she (or he) is just cute imo. Pretty face, nice hair.

>>66918 The hair makes me think female. The shape of the skull along with the density and distribution of the follicles. As for being drugged, I dop think she is on something. With a backdrop of perhaps malnutrition, lack of going outside, prolonged extreme misery and apathy, and so on. Possibly eating something she's intolerant to, like gluten, which will greatly alter behavior and psychology through neuroinflammation. In dissociative phenotypes this brings out the more profound schizo aspects as well, for better or worse. Hard to say. No answer, don't need to answer. She is cute though. I vaguely remember seeing that pic posted around years and years ago. Thought the same then too.

>>66104 Have you watched the 1972 film? Thoughts on it versus the original?

>>66920 the author said "Tarkovsky made Crime and Punishment rather than Solaris" which I think is accurate. It's visually appealing but a lot of the substance is taken out and replaced with other stuff.

>>66897 it's a girl staring at a TV screen dude

>>66923 Oh no. I can assure you, there is a lot more going on.

Something isnt clicking. At some point I decided "im going to be stable, and im not gonna hate people". I have a partner of almost many years now I could say whos doing great and loves me very much. And I love back but in a strange way, I feel almost nothing but responsibility and a desire to stabilize and help them grow. This isnt ive decided because I dont truly love them or something, we have broken up before amicably for 3 months and I self assesed and realized I had lost a lot and gained very little. I even tried seeing someone else during this time, and I felt the same. I remember when I used to feel such warm feelings even with a close friend and I used to feel safety and feel like I really wasnt alone. But now I dont even cry or get sad anymore about being alone and simultaneously I dont feel much even when im with someone who I can tell loves me so much. The only way I can express my love anymore is being a careful voice of reason like a parent to a child. Il hear my partner and friends express how much they love me in terms like "I just feel so great having you around" and how even being able to call on the phone is so comforting. The only time that feeling pierces me is when im drunk. And it is the only reason why I drink now and then and I drink to excess to feel it, but just now and then. Otherwise I cant return the feeling even though at one point when id feel that way about people all I ever wanted was for it to be returned. I remember how I used to wait for people on my bed my phone by my side waiting for a knock on the door for a call or text to spring me to life. I remember when my older sister had to leave with my father, and I remember playing the games we used to play together by myself, thinking when I get to see her again il tell her all about everything thats happened and all I did in the games we used to play. Its not hard to see I guess why I cant return the feeling but I hate being that person when hardly anything bad has happened to me. I hate being and I resent others who are the "I dont love anymore..." type. Im not a misanthrope. But theres a wall there and I cant shake it. Its like im very into religions but I didnt grow up with exposure to animist beliefs at all growing up, soykaf like shintoism or a lot of the pagan religions where everything has a spirit. And il look at my fan sometimes and try to see it as having a spirit and even though my brain normally is so flexible I cant see this fan as having a spirit, I cant picture thinking thats real. And thats the same way that warm lovey feeling is to me, il sit there and focus on it and try to remember and feel that for the people who I know feel it for me and all it spurs is thoughts about how I can help better their situation or how I need to execute x idea ive been thinking of that might help them out in the future. I cant actually feel the reality of the feeling that might spur the words they want to hear and that would make them feel secure and comfortable. Further, I live in a complex and every person who makes the effort to talk to me, who is reaching out at their own risk, I talk to maybe once or twice and then end up brushing off at some point cause I dont know what to tell them or what they want to hear or cause im fixated on something else not even important. And I can tell it comes off cold, I come off cold. I can sense people think im cold, that im not considerate. Ive had spats with friends over being "inconsiderate" even though I was trying to be in the way I knew how. But it uses to be the opposite and thats whats so confusing. I used to be "too sensitive" and too clingy and etc. etc. I always thought how am I now was just me exploring the other end so that I could eventually find balance. But now its been years like this, and as ive said, I cant feel the love I used to have for anything or anyone. I thought for awhile maybe it was unnecessary, that I had found a better love where i take care of and protect. But I can tell by the fact that I am, even if functioning, an addict of sorts. And where I used to crave things that made me feel less, that made me feel secure and fine all by myself with no one else; i now crave things that make me feel again or allow me too. That make me want to reach out. While I can lie to my body and I can lie to myself, the fact that I will randomly every 3 days to a week or so decide to drink just to feel like I would be hurt at the loss of someone and the urge to reach out, that means I was wrong. The fact that I have nightmares where I want to reach out to an old friend but cant, means I was wrong to think those feelings only could hurt me and were uneeded. I once had a friend call me cause they hadnt heard from their roomate in days or seen them leave or enter their room but their phone had shown their location as in the house for 3 days. This roomate of theirs was suicidal and had been frequently going on benders. They called me over to check on them and in my head they were already dead and I was preparing to walk into a dead body and tell them what had happened. This roomate of theirs was someone I had also spent good times with and its odd im just calling them "my friends roomate" when they should be my friend too. And I just without any emotion was ready to walk in on their dead body and call 911 and comfort my friend as if it was nothing. And I havent had any recent family and friend deaths but a lot of pet deaths lately and ive reacted the same way. I visited my mom once and my own dog I had since I was like 13 happened to start dying while I was there and I just sat with her and when her body started seizing up I just told my mom not to look while I held her still and then announced when she died and hugged my mom. And my mom was crying and I only was sad at all because my mom was crying and I was over it the next day. Even during it it was if it was a chore cause the dog would cry whenever I left her sight so I had to be there, and it was like just work. And when I went to hug my mom it was like it was part of a job I was executing. And when my friend called me over scared to check on their roomate for fear of finding them dead in the room it was like a job. But I know because of the fact that I have and can feel so much im not some kindof psycho, and I also havent had any specific extreme fast thing that happened that could have triggered all this. Its been a slow progression. I dont even know what im talking about anymore or why I decided to share. I just know im missing something human now not because I never had it but because theres some wall there. And I cant find it again, and its something that used to be so strong almost too strong for me. Im a cold angry calculated person and thats not whats in my nature I know it, that wasnt what I was supposed to become. I need love. I dont need someone to love me I dont need someone to love. I need love in the sense that I need to see it around me again, and see it in myself. Its already there, but I need to realize the concept all over again.

>>66923 But she’s in a mental institution so it’s deep

>>66943 It's possible. I'm always interested in what it takes to break a person. Something went wrong if society managed to get its tendrils around her. Fairly sure once they slap some diagnosis on you, you'll be dealing with it for the rest of your life. So it could be shallow. Stupid bo o mer parents were narcissists and psych-ward'd their kid. Or it could be something else. We will never know.

>>66929 Be really honest with yourself and you’ll find the answer.

Why are there people that consider suicide selfish? I get that if you have family then you're their concern, and some people who consider suicide have responsibilities that shouldn't be discarded so lightly. Sure. But ultimately if the person considering suicide is an adult then what they do with their life is their business. I mean, for abortion, where the child has no choice, there's a whole divide on whether or not it's ethical. Yet in a situation where the decision can be made independently some people will act like it's a decision you don't have any right to. I'm not going to KMS soon, someone needs to look after the cat. I'm just wondering where this thought process comes from.

>>66981 I think it's a way to make suicidal people feel bad about commiting suicide and then hopefully prevent them from killing themselves. Not that it's particularly effective, or that it makes any sense.

Ugh. It's a small thing to be annoyed about and maybe it's because I'm terminally online and keep seeing this content around, but I'm really starting to get annoyed by people complaining about how AI can get things wrong. Of course it will get things wrong, it's made by humans, not made by some divine power. It's your job and mines to correct the mistakes. Stop making videos about AI and talk about other important soykaf that isn't the newest trend destined to die in a couple months. ...ugh. Not talking about the AIs being the trend, more so the people flocking to new technology, point their finger going "haha look how terrible this is". In retrospect, wishing for something is like asking for a unicorn, isn't it?

>>66993 >Not talking about the AIs being the trend, more so the people flocking to new technology, point their finger going "haha look how terrible this is". I realize we're on /vent/, but hasn't the reaction of the general public and even most academics total opposite of this? Like "aaaaaaaaaaaaaa burn the computers before they hatch Skynet Terminators eggs!!!!!"?

>>66989 I did have a friend whose immediate response to me bringing up the idea one time was "I don't like talking about this soykaf," and as the conversation went on they kept that sort of tone through most of the conversation. So if the method was to try and guilt me out of it then using an aggressive tone while calling me a selfish idiot is a crude method ig. Though outside of their conversational tone they told me to think through it logically for a week or so. Not that that person's in my life anymore.

>>66994 It's a mix of both from my POV. I'm not sure which one is worst, though, but it was funny seeing that fear/misunderstanding fulled reaction at first. thankfully there's the rare hopeful reactions that shows genuine interest to balance things out. Just wish there was more of this than the former. (Yeah I didn't know where to throw this topic on here. /vent/ seemed like a good fit, no matter how tiny the vent is.)

>>66993 >It's your job and mines to correct the mistakes. Pretty sure that's the job of people who make AI. Anyway, the reason people do this is because the vast majority sees ChatGPT compose a poem and thinks "on no, this is it, AI is already smarter than humans", there are people currently trying to use it for education which is absolutely nuts, etc. It's a reaction to tech utopianism.

>>66998 >Pretty sure that's the job of people who make AI. Bickering about who's job it is, is probably the soykaftiest thing to have to deal with. It's their "job"? What does that even mean? It's someone's job to work in service of mankind and your interests? Their job to do WHAT? And better yet: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

>>67016 >It's their "job"? What does that even mean? It means they get paid to do it and get fired if they don't do it, at least that's what "job" usually means. >It's someone's job to work in service of mankind and your interests? Yes, it's called division of labor and it works very well. >WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? uh, probably nothing, because I'm not an AI specialist.

>>67017 >It means they get paid to do it By who? With money that comes from where? Why? By what metrics? With who's continued organization and oversight? By what means? >and get fired if they don't do it By who? Under what criteria are they fired? What happens to their work? Who else has access to it once they're done? >at least that's what "job" usually means. More fluoridated nonsense. Smartass. >Yes, it's called division of labor and it works very well. "Trust the plan. Have faith." >uh, probably nothing, because I'm not an AI specialist. You're an overgrown little boy.

>>67018 So you're now arguing against the fact that most people working on AI are employed? Have you drank too much flouride?

>>67019 You are impossible, Lain. It's like you don't understand the notion of dual+ use. Well, anyway.

Unoriginal post, but I just cut off all contact with all the "friends" I had, and have decided to stop being social and to stop trying to make new ones. It's quite depressing when I'm able to have more fun and be able to be myself more with anonymous people online rather than "real" relations with actual physical people, aren't things kind of backwards here? The loneliness and desire to have real friends will be painful in the long run, but it'll hurt less than the pain of being belittled, ostracized, and bullied. This isn't a "it's all their fault not mine" thing either, as I gave all the people who've come and gone in my life my all, but it's always been dismissed or made light of or whatever. Guess I'll just be alone till the day I die, I wonder how other people maintain their friendships and relationships, real or fake.

>>66993 Just accept that the vast majority of people who exist on this earth are just extremely stupid, and that you can do nothing about it. Every new advancement in technology is met with this same kind of idiocy and irrational paranoid reptilian fear, yet these same people in the future will turn around and praise AI and all of it's benefits without a shred of self-awareness or remorse for their words and deeds. Happened with electronic music, happened with cars, happened with smartphones.

>>67023 >I wonder how other people maintain their friendships and relationships, real or fake. Well your experience is certainly different from mines, so how would they usually go? Mines come and go and there are certainly hard ships but rare are the ones that forces me to part ways with another. I'm not some extrovert type of person. I don't spend that much time with people. I prefer the company of myself, but to break the occasional monotony I jump in a group conversation of some friends or sometimes have a vc call with them if they are in one. Lotta teasing and gentle bullying may be involved but it's never in a bad light and boundaries are respected. Reading your post once again and you know, this here: >It's quite depressing when I'm able to have more fun and be able to be myself more with anonymous people online rather than "real" relations with actual physical people, aren't things kind of backwards here? Maybe it is backwards, but it doesn't have to sound all that bad. It's like taking the train you use to commute (hypothetical train) and you see the same familiar unknown faces. You don't know anything but the posts they share and, at least for me, there's a certain ease to talk to someone who you don't know much about. They eventually take their stop, leave and so will you. knowing no more than what you knew before but the small chat you had with them today. It's no deep friendship but it's a face you can appreciate seeing again the next day.

I miss old imageboards. Experimenting with different identities, being exposed to ideas and media I wouldn't have found otherwise, and having the opportunity to connect with other misfits for just a moment in time, without the responsibility that comes with being known. Every blue moon I come back to the chans to get some of the feeling back, but it's never quite the same. I know I can't be the only one.

>>67023 By anonymous people do you mean fully anonymous people (imageboards) or is an online only friend fine?

Hey Lains just wanted to vent , that's all. I am 23M Virgin and it is really fuarrrking up with my self esteem. I am stuck in a WFM Job and I see all my friends enjoying life. A very close friend of mine is winning in life and I am so jealous. He has a hot gf he can bang , an ex who wants him back and send him pics but here i am stuck in the friendzone of a girl I met 2-3 years ago. it is my fault I am in the friendzone , I am frustated that I can't convert. I am just tired , I have tried focusing on myself but it is just messing with my head. I don't really get any likes on bumble for weeks. Don't know what to do.

>>67024 That's why the world has gotten better and better. That's why we're soving problems faster than we create them. That's why everything is one day, one day, if we just keep trying to tech our way out, one day it'll be great. People like you disgust me. Such starry eyed little kids, but in adult bodies. The human spirit is like a fruit that's rotten at the center.

Most people here complain about been hurt one way or the other and truthfully their hurt and pain is justified but when you think deeply about it no human on earth is 100% free from pain .. not the rich,famous and leaders ... With that in mind I've decided to accept my pain and improve myself I'm a lazy furk who doesn't work or read as much as I'd like to and that I know I can fix

>>67027 I don't think imageboards have gotten worse...only 4chan >>67032 I'm sorry, anon :(

>>67047 >I don't think imageboards have gotten worse...only 4chan That's just, like, your opinion, maaaan

>>67047 Don't be Anon. It was my fault and she is 100% in the right to friend-zone me. She went out with a dude today , I was literally flat on my bed , seeing my fan , tears coming out of my eyes. Not even making any noise , just tears straight up coming out of my eyes. Regretting each and everything I did wrong.

>>67032 >I don't really get any likes on bumble for weeks. This is to be expected. All of those services work by getting you hooked on the initial attention and then not giving you anything unless you pay. You're being shown to fewer people, probably. If you must use dating apps, just used them for a week or so at a time and then delete your account for a month.

>>67052 Stop being afraid of rejection. It gets way easier after the first time. Don't be held back by could-have-beens. Move on ASAP. >t. 20M virgin with no SO We all will make it though. Better to live with the temporary heartache of rejection than the soul-crushing self-hatred of looking in the mirror and seeing someone who's less than a man. Trust me. I was there. I may not have anyone but at least I have confidence in myself for other areas of life. It's not all about TFW no GF (though, you obviously should try to develop a relationship). Just don't burn out the rest of your prime feeling regretful, because you will feel that way tenfold when you're 40.

I find that I keep coming back to weird fringe spaces over time and I don't know why. I can't exactly tell other people about this website because I don't want to show my power level, I'll never know or relate to most of the people here, and this place is chiller than 4board where I used to lurk but still occasionally edgy for anyone I do know. Using these sorts of niche communities makes me feel separated from the world I supposedly "live" in simply because it's cut off from everything else and it can't really be explained easily to people I do know. Like I'm living two separate lives, or at least looking through two different lens. Really when I think about it I guess part of me's afraid of changing things for myself because a lot that's "changed" in my life basically fell in my lap. So I stick around in these weird spots even if I'm at the point where I'm ruminating about it 'cause it's what I've always done. I suppose if this is how things will always be the least I can do is figure out something else to balance out my time here. Though if the problem's some personal anxiety I don't know how to commit to it. Even simple things like using other social media I drift from on and off very frequently.

>>67074 Bro being 20 year old virgin vs 23 year old virgin its miles apart The amount of frustations I am keeping with myself is just out of hand.

>>67078 I agree with 20yo anon and no - 23 is not so much different. You misunderstand male aging and delusional about reality around you. Yes, you don't have that pu ssy so what? If you're a man you are confident enough to not drain yourself in self-hatred, remorse yadda yadda because of this. Anon, I've been there. Heck, it was just in January. I was just like you, but I understood some important things - you can always have room for improving your wellbeing, don't waste your time on anything else. You know, it's just backwards - you don't need to strive for girl, she literally will come one way or another if you will be self-sufficient. That said, don't miss opportunities for relationships if you stumble on some. I also have much successful friends, they also had made me jealous, but now I just don't care. Comparing to others was never a good idea - we are very different. t. Sincerely your 23 yo virgin

>>67081 Thanks for the words of encouragement lainon , I have completely removed that person from my life I have deleted her pictures , her videos , her contact number that I had of her with myself. I am gonna get over her , I will improve myself. Although I know I should improve myself for myself , a small part of me wants to improve to show her that it was a mistake rejecting , although I am trying to get rid of this myself. Let's see what happens. She has my number , she can contact me but I don't think that will happen.

Im so fuarrrking done with this soykaf. 12 hours every day in a fuarrrking chair and i still cant get soykaf done.

I was in my kitchen, then I thought of a really cool post that I thought you guys would really enjoy, then I came to my bedroom to compose the post, and I forgot it LOL It was deep as fuarrrk though

>>67088 I've had this happen. It was extremely frustrating. I found it was caused by the mere act of sitting down. To remain standing, the information is not siphoned from one's mind.

>>66418 I asked a girl out this week. I thought she liked me, she probably did at some point but her feelings faded. She said she was "so much older than me", she didn't want anything more than to be friends. She was right, I don't know what I was expecting. I haven't had any emotional changes upon being rejected. It makes me kind of paranoid reflecting now. I had never asked a girl out before. I was so certain she had liked me, she had given every signal. It probably was just over our age difference. Her only gripe was that. Either way I had truly thought that someone liked me and I was completely wrong. I don't think I'll ask a girl out again. I can't just work my way into dating a girl I don't know, I have to be friends with a girl first. So if I ask a girl out and get rejected I lose a friend. I don't feel like doing it again. The girl was my last remaining friend, I don't really care enough to remain friends with her anymore. I believe relationships of any form are worthless. I don't think they're for me. I've lost all of my friends over the course of this year. I must have thought she'd save me or something gay like that. Anyway she's out of my life now alongside everyone else.

I wish I were completely alone, in a space where I don't have to interact with anyone No one knows I exist, and I don't know if anyone exists It's the most ideal form of existence for me, and I dream about maybe winning the lottery (cringy I know) and just living secluded somewhere or just surviving in a cabin in the middle of nowhere The second one is the more easily attainable one, but I don't know how long I'd survive I also sometimes think about just being a vagrant, maybe buying a campervan or RV or whatever and just wandering, avoiding civilized areas and just living on the move away from everyone and anyone (though I'd still have to interact with people to get supplies, and money would be an issue) I don't know, I'm just sick and tired of people and want to just get away from them all

>>67097 Ever died during a quest and just uninstalled the game thinking 'well, that's it'? I doubt you did. Learn to learn from your failures and you will learn to accept whatever happens to you. >>67099 I doubt it's the complete isolation that you seek, maybe only temporarily. Get some good rest if you truly need it, it's far more important than anything else. Still, I think such thoughts, any thoughts, are born as a reaction. You'd still be around yourself, those feeling slumbering within. Both you and lain above seek refuge, but, unfortunately, there's none, no unplugging yourself from yourself. Well, not without altering your brain structure. Have been thinking for a minute about whether I want to take the opportunity to rant a little, since I'm posting, but it seems that I'm too tired to have any feelings at all. Yeah, you rest well, lain. If you can.

Just jerked it with porn again after about a week of being clean. Had a really stressful day and decided fuarrrk it , I really need to let off some steam. Two hours later and I've seen probably hundreds of AI-generated bimbos, because I decide to explore that world now that the images aren't so unsettling any more. They create a dopamine response but most of them aren't terribly interesting. They're only worth it because finding stuff I really like is a lot of work and it's easy to find decent quality AI generated porn. I want to quit porn. I wish gf wasn't so depressed because I really need real sexual release, but she just can't get into it right now. PLEASE do not link me the 'easy peasy' method, it doesn't work for me. I genuinely enjoy porn when I can find good stuff.

>>67106 >dopamine ah, yes, the myth of dopamine

>>67106 the easy peasy method is fuarrrkin stupid and useless, not sure why people started spamming that soykaf. Just a whole book saying "Just don't do it bro, easy :)) "

Landlord is selling my home, I have to move and dont know where to. Found it all too much to deal with and think I have undiagnosed ADHD, biploar and depression. If I do move Im going to be even more isolated as my town is too expensive now. Im finding it hard to take action and I never used to be this way. I think this decade has demoralised me and Im feeling the general fear in the world of nuclear war. Even though I dont think it will come to that it feels like when Covid started. Like those running the world keep stoking fear in the population and I can sense it.

>>67100 I am cooming almost everyday.

Rewatching anything I enjoyed or found strength and meaning in when I was younger, all I really feel now is a sort of sadness. As though I'm just done with it, done with the human concept. Done with life and this place.

>>67109 I couldn't bother to read more than the first two sections. The name is stupid, I can say much. Memorable, but stupid.

I saw a picture of an ancient cathedral. I've seen them in person too, but for some reason it hit me more this time... I want to live a good life, make beautiful things, contemplate beautiful thoughts. I don't want the life of worthless pursuits and pseudo-hedonism that is available to me in this capitalist nightmare.

what's the best way to cry without making it ugly?

>>67220 Alone. On the rare occasion I cry, it's more like water just comes out of my eyes. Previously it was once every few years, when my brain reached some hardware limitation and had to deal with it. It has become more frequent however. I dislike it. I am disgusted with myself. I might as well be dead if I continue to decay this way.

Got a like by a girl I'd be interested in on a dating app, but I feel too exhausted to actually engage a chat with her. I really need some way to build up social energy.

>>67206 What are some of these things you've watched that you no longer find as meaningful?

I despise social media, people today, and what is considered normal and acceptable. Like look at this stupid empty creature: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cajFMKgOUZc Just some soykaf I clicked on. The presentation, the style, the imitative cargo cult zoom in on the face, the intonation, the huge empty eyes, the tone, the pattern of attention, the inhuman way of telling the story. All of it. It's repulsive. Vile. Look, I don't mind cold and detached, I also don't mind outright disinterested in human life, but at least try to pretend you're a real person. These people can't even do that. It's pathetic or boring. As stated prior, repulsive. Infantile. Split minded. Half baked. I hate them so much.

I think I am too stupid to do anything. I don't really have any gauge of my intelligence outside of IQ. This year, I became obsessed with IQ for a couple months when a friend of mine asked me and other people in a group chat to test our IQ. He went 99% on the test, my other friend also went 99% and I got an average score. I felt retarded, thinking about it I still do. I couldn't stop feeling dumb. Later on I tried another test, accurate within 5 points give or take and got 134. I still feel stupid. I have had difficulty getting into programming, I think I don't have the necessary intelligence. I fear studying STEM, I think if I do so I will discover I do not have the cognitive faculties to comprehend such studies. My life is fuarrrked up and I don't think I have the intelligence to fix it. My mother and I live in a foreign nation. We do not live in our home country as we cannot afford to live there. The fact we can no longer live in our home country is largely due to circumstance. However, she did exacerbate the issues present within our lives in order to manufacture a crisis that would force us to live abroad. She wanted to live abroad. She decided she wanted a certain lifestyle for herself and prioritized her wants and needs over mine. I couldn't do anything about it, I was underage at the time. Children are property of their parents, they don't have rights. Objectively speaking the country I now reside in is not good. I have come to accept this country and its flaws. I can't earn enough money to support myself nevertheless save up enough money to get away from my mother. The economy is terrible here. They don't speak English here, so I'm learning their language. I have no real friends. I have nothing here. An online friend of mine who lives here told me I have no future here, he said I have to get back to my home country. For years I have sat around trying to think a way out of the scenario I am in. The only out I can see is suicide. I refuse to kill myself. The only other option is to be homeless. I doubt I'll escape homelessness, with each year life for the homeless grows harder, and the chances of escaping homelessness diminish. I think I have wanted too much from life. I wanted too much and this is what I get. I think am meant to be homeless, I can accept my place in this world or reject it, with it rejecting life. I'm sick of it. After all the soykaf I've been put through on top of everything I get dropped off into this fuarrrking country with no escape chained to this bitch. Left to stew. I got over it. I'm tired. I see other people who seem to think their way out of their situations. They hunker down and figure everything out, but I can't do it. I'm too dumb to live.

>>67289 Don't like, don't watch it, like what is even the problem? Also, does every reasonably attractive, fit blue-eyed man make you seethe this hard? Or is it just this guy? I kinda look like him, minus the beard, it's kinda cool to think that my sheer existence could make somebody lose their mind.

>>67348 >just don't look, put your head under the covers it'll go away No. This is growing to a point that no society can sustain. >Also, does every reasonably attractive, fit blue-eyed man make you seethe this hard? lolwat? I don't even think about it. I have green eyes for one thing, for another you call that fit? He's got that scrawny weird look z--mers tend to have. That's also why he has big eyes, endocrine disruption during development. Changed his brow ridge or whatever. It's not like makeup and a matter of the lighting either, he's genuinely weird looking and weird acting. Totally soulless.

I just now realized that a loveless life of 29 years simply hardened my heart so much I don't think I'm even capable of love. Is this it? Are there decent women (which is already a pickle in itself, t. western european) who would bear to wait for me to change back (if I can)? Or do I really have no future, simply waiting for my vaning will to live to be finally replaced by a strong will to die?

>>67360 Shit, s/vaning/waning/ FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER

>>67360 I am sorry anon you have to face this. Be strong and be hopeful. Have you thought of Arranged Marriage?

>>67360 In high school, shortly before dropping out, there was this cute weebish, slightly autistic grill who went out of her way to talk to me. Just out of nothing while I was sitting there, headphones on, droning myself out from my sorroundings. We talked about some superficial things like what media we consumed. She made other attempts to talk to me, but it never amounted to anything since the initative never came from me and I would superficially silence myself. I had this turbo autistic gothic f@g phase back then and was oversocialised from imageboards, thinking that any sort of female interaction would turn me into a "normalnigger". Years later at 22 I've come to the realisation than man needs some kind of female companion and that I propably did away the last chance of female love I had back then.

Dating apps are propably filled with the most insidious kinds of whores imaginable. Outside bus rides I never see any females in real live.

>>67289 Seeing those lifeless tikcyberhump drones and how lifeless and disillusioned everone has become makes ne curse this whole timeline on a regular basis.

I stared at the sun too long and I think I've burned my left eye ball.

>>67348 >>67350 Also, I just want to say the amusing thing for me. I recall, and this was like 10 years ago, that when someone embeds your youtube video somewhere it shows up in the dashboard. So you can check the page where it was embedded. So a funny thought is that this was the guy who made the video replying to me, which is why he'll never respond, because he doesn't use this site ordinarily. He just followed the link in the dashboard and saw it was someone talking soykaf about him. Muh blue eyes, muh hiker, muh seethe. lmfao

>>67379 >arranged marriage >western europe ?

>>67388 That's almost like an oxymoron, unless you're a Muslim, of course.

>>67381 Thank God I don't have that kind of regret to add to this soykaf. Full version of my original pics, powerful stuff

>>67032 >a hot gf to bang Is this all you fa99ots think about? That's exactly what I despise about the incel. A loser at life who would just be as degenerate as the rest of the cattle hadn't he been born with subhuman genetics and now spends his time resenting this fact.

>>67390 Yes. Autism is a serious disability.

>>67392 no, it's not... the "joke" died ages ago, move on.

I would like to do, to create, to put my mind and my hands to work, and to produce something aesthetic, and show the world. But I lack creativity and intelligence. I do not lack creative venues, but I lack the inner drive, that something that artists possess that makes the actually create something interesting. I can only copy.

>>67401 i have this issue too. maybe you should think about what really is the drive for you. some people write because they have an unbearable pain inside. some people act because they have a rage to show. maybe find the feeling inside you that you want to show and then choose the medium to do that

>>67390 I've been into waifuglitterboyry and been LARPing as a volcel - it was what I did out of a kind of peer pressure. Nieche imageboards being my only form of socialisation and "authority" to look up to. But after experiencing true lonelyness and isolation, trapped in a pit of hedonistic anime obsession, I think the "trve wizard" type of imageboard dwellers isn't honest. A cartoon image can't replace the feeling of completeness and warmth you get from being loved by a real women. At least how I imagine it to be... At my lowest I substituted my sense of purposelessness and alienation into an obsession, a crush so to speak. And I count this among my most pathetic, deranged actions so far. It lead me to a kind of "inceldom", a pit of mad self pitying leading to ever more misery and obsession. At least I was able to get out of that mindset and take a good look at myself from the third person. Perhaps my heart has also hardened from those past experiences and regrets and I don't know if I'll ever love again. I just want to get away from women as far as possible. Living in a big western european city is torture. As long as I'm here, this feeling of "something missing" propably won't go away.

>>67405 You married your Anima, would you say? I do believe it is required for a man to maintain stability and functionality, that he have female presence or inputs (to outsource parts of his Anima functions and decrease cognitive load). He has 3 options, which may be viewed as a decay chain as well. 1) Hyperpolarize. Become extremely masculine and subdue the feminine within, or wall it off. 2a) Androgyny. Become neither sex, numb, cold, asexual. 2b) Divine androgyne imitation. Elevate the Anima and make use of it, make it an equal. Fill both roles yourself. 3) Invert. Basically self emasculation, become the object of one's desire. Engulfed by the Anima. Return to infancy and the womb. Leave an alter in place of the real person. Most people cannot maintain 1 indefinitely. Without a woman, there is no man. So without a female, there is only you. The you that is you, not the you that is a man. So a person breaks apart and dissolves in one way or another. Usually landing on step 2. A few either have desire or weakness, and further to 3. It's all about stability, security, and functionality.

>>67403 There is no feeling at all. I just like stuff with a geometric flavour, like the works of M.C. Escher, but I don't have the smarts to get the tech iques andput them to use, I'm a fool who really wants to create but can't get past the basic theory or make anything with it.

>>67388 There are no arrange marriages in Western Europe? Really? That's a culture shock.

>>67408 Not him, but I've come to similar conclusions during my own ponderings into the male-female relationship. You, however, summarized and chrystallized them amazingly. Out of all the possibilities you listed, I'd say it's the 2b one that is the most ideal outcome out of all the rest. Within the Jungian theoretical framework, we could probably say that the real life, male-female relationships are just the material manifestation of this essentially psychic-existential dichotomy of feminine and masculine tendencies and forces, and that, in order to attain a psychic wholeness, we'd have to synthesize these two within our own soul, instead of relying on the externalized signifiers of either Anima or Animus archetypes. The problem with this approach, as you pointed out already, is that most people are not driven enough to pursue this point and even fewer have the tenacity and strength to reach this state of wholeness. One reason is that they go about it with the wrong intentions: it's not about becoming independent from women or escaping isolation or something like that. It's about getting to know your Self: who and what you are. That can only be a possibility after we've faced our demons and incorporated the Shadow archetype within ourselves. It requires for us to be brutally truthful and honest with ourselves, to open some wounds in order to get the dirt, splinters and possible pellets out from tormenting and poisoning us, abolishing harmful delusions and coming to terms with certain realities. The other reason is that most people are way too apathetic, depressed and lack the required energy from the start to even begin to invite such thoughts as genuine life plans. The somewhat viciously ironic cycle here is that we need a little bit of energy in order to get ourselves from the state where we lack the energy to pursue stars that radiate with eternal fullness. Stability, like you said, is the key to this all: if our lives revolve around one thing or if one aspect or thing in your life is occupying too much of your attention, then the energy we've invested into it is taken out of all the other aspects in our lives where we could've used it. Too much occupied with reason, ideas and theories? We feel that much less. Being too emotional? We're always being thrown around aimlessly by the currents of the world, unable to perceive the world how it actually is. Prefer your own company better to other people? Bye, bye goes the strength of others and the less you've truly lived. Can't stand the silence and the company of yourself? You end up with a 1-dimensional persona, who ceases to exist whenever they're thrown into situations where there are no other people to perceive them, to validate their existence. There are always trade-offs, and your choices always have consequences, even with "imaginary", internal matters of the soul.

>>67408 >You married your Anima, would you say? Nah, I guess I made my narration needlessly vague. It was no narcisstic tranny fit, but an obsession eith another person. I got into an extreme obsession with a strange, mentally ill girl. I never had a real face to face conversation with her, but her mere presence let me forgot my misery. More than once I would get drunk to get the courage to talk to her directly which would end in her plainly ignoring me - later I would learn due to her social anxiety. At the most extreme I went straight back to my goth f@g ways and slit my forearm open after being intoxicated with several bottles of booze, landing me in hospital with several hours of stitching. Through detours, basically writing her a letter in which I let her know how much she meant to me or something along those lines, I would get into chat contact with her. Good thing I can't remember the exact phrasing of the letter, but I have lots of screenshots of those chat conversations left, which is painful enough. Talking to her did not give me the serenity I thought it would, since I didn't even know what I even wanted from her and so the conversation quickly turned into one sided, senseless ramblings, with me getting ever more desperate to get her attention. I guess my incompleteness as a man showed off from the very beginning which would repulse any female regardless of her mental state. Eventually I would turn to giving her ever more retarded presents (and I am one who would laugh at men giving e-whores money and now I just did the exact same thing). Of course it made everything worse and perhaps inflicted some kind of guilt inside her, that she forced herself to interact with me every now and then instead of telling me off. She seldom replied, but when she replied, she was thorough, though mostly talking about herself and her alienation, so I suppose she needed a therapist instead of a mentally stunted autistic fuarrrkup. In the end I am a bit sorry. She being 25 at this point. I guess there are many women like her who don't really "get" the value of "emancipation". Instead she has her own hedonic escapism. Spending hours upon hours mindlessly consuming japanese cartoons and other foreign media everday, alienating herself further from her own sorroundings. I think your observations are very accurate, nicely chrystallized. Indeed I have been making similar ovservations and have got an internet friend who could very well fit into the second category. >2a) Androgyny. Become neither sex, numb, cold, asexual After being repeteadly rejected by women, he just lost all interest in sexuality in itself and the opposite sex as a whole. He seems quite content, I envy him to a certain degree, but he also seems a bit empty, cold, maybe. Perhaps I'll get there too over time. >Without a woman, there is no man. So without a female, there is only you. Exactly. But I think in todays time it is getting increasingly harder to become oneself in the first place. Mostly because men grow up without any real role models yadaydayda.

>>67392 Your post can be read with a Norman Macdonald delivery and I love you for that. thanks anon. >>67408 Interesting rationalization, anon. Your model would fit me on step 2, although I have never gone through step 1. You can explain steps 1, 2b and 3 in relation to the state of the Anima, but what about step 2a? Is the Anima supressed, walled off as in step 1? In that cause, wouldn't Step 1 and step 2a be different expressions of the same reaction? That would imply that the Anima is an omnipresent constant that simply cannot be reduced or cease to exist, only supressed, and also that all asexuals/sexually disinterested people are just deluding themselves in the same way that step 1'ers do, which I would personally disagree with. Further, I would like you to explain what is precisely defined with the term 'Anima', and if there is any literature on the concepts you have outlined. Seems like a very interesting psychological framework.

>had testicular cancer a few years ago >had to get one of my balls removed >hair suddenly started receding aggressively >not allowed to use any of the medications that could stop it I'm doomed. Not only do I only have one ball, I'm also losing my only good feature.

Just feel that real 3D people are unappealing aliens I'll never understand. Probably just get a waifu and kill my boredom trying not think about how cringe I am.

>>67463 you should be more worried about the cancer that probably came back to other parts of your body than hair falling out

I'm nervous about her not responding to my recent text. I know I'm worrying over nothing in high likelihood but nonetheless, can't shake it off.

I've been trying for years to learn just a handful of skills but barely get anywhere with them. I feel so dumb, like I'm years behind schedule and nearly 30 so now I've basically failed at stuff people are supposed to pick up in their teens. I feel genuinely retarded that I have failed so many times to learn basic programming skills. It's like I'm perpetually behind everybody and have to play catch up all the damn time. It's like I'm smashing my head against a brick wall. I try to work on it but just loose motivation and everything slows down to a halt. Religious issues. Don't get me started, I still feel attracted to the religion I was raised in but I don't feel like I can be religious anymore. Whenever I go down there and I see all the people, I see what they're up to, it all feels wrong. I can't explain it, it just feels like there's something wrong. Like an uncanny valley effect.

>>67484 Why force yourself to do something you're not drawn to or that just doesn't work simply because others do it? You're just pushing yourself towards depression. And religiousness doesn't end at the church's doorstep, unless you are doing it for that tribal bonding feeling.

>>67484 Same boat on learning. I say take it one step a day. Take notes as you study, diversify to avoid getting overwhelmed with one subject. Set yourself a scedule, and don't get ahead of yourself, all things in due time. Take a day to rest. These are just aids to reach your goal, taken together they may help. Be patient and don't beat yourself up. Make sure you have a genuine interest in what you are learning. As for religion, similar boat, too. I don't care much about 'being religious' or following a specific one. Rather, my interest is in learning the ancient languages and reading some of the ol' religions' literature, go down that rabbit hole, there has been plenty written over the ages to discover. Unfortunately, the first issue immediately comes in the way, it takes real effort to learn Sanskrit and ancient Greek, the one thing that keeps me going is sheer interest and the unrelenting drive to learn, to know more about some thing that is a mystery to me.

>>67482 I have to get screened for everything every few months. My tumor was about as harmless as it gets though, I didn't need to do anything but sacrifice my left testicle. They checked the hair loss to make sure it wasn't related, and it was simple early androgenic alopecia, Anyway, I'm not near death or anything. It just is like kicking dead whales down the beach to have to take two huge hits to my health and self-image before 30. Make sure to give yourself self-examinations once a month.

>>67484 If basic programming doesnt come naturally to you i dont see why you persist. It is one of the few skills/activities where some people are quickly good at it and some people will never be good at it

>>66054 >if I was in their position, would I ignore someone like me? my nigga you're a nigga posting in lainchan, why would a chick talk to you? she wants to know about cyberpunk and the C programming language and sewerslvt? no she fuarrrking doesn't. As I genuinely feel bad for you, I there's a tip for you, find a goth chick in instagram (like "satan is my sugar daddy" as her bio), talk her about $uicideboy$ until she's horny, there you go, worked for me 3 times.

There is a bunch of skills that I want to develop but it's underwhelming. And they are all basic skills, at that: programming, calculus, stuff that I should've mastered agee ago. I wasted so much time not focusing on these things and always second guessing myself. Now I have this much on my plate and I need to focus but the number of different things I need to learn is a bit overwhelming which has always caused me to distract myself because I am reading a book but I am also aware I need to read that one and that other one and some of them are so heavy. It makes my head hurt and it becomes counter productive. Somebody heeelp!

>>67572 (cont.) ps when I say someboey help I don't mean give me your lukewarm generic advice, it's really not helpful to read the same piece of ""advice"" over and over, I don't really mean pls help I was just making an exclamation, so refrain if you don't have something useful. No offense.

I suspect I've become nihilistic. Or self suppressing, self defeating. All the defense mechanisms I used to draw on and systems I used to make the body and mind do what I wanted, or often, needed, I see it forming in my mind and then something just switches it off. "That's not true. You're just doing that so that you [blah blah blah]." The power and magic is lost. I can't draw strength from the truth and I can't bring myself to lie.

>>67581 Accept that there's no objective truth and make your own

>>67582 You're talking about the past in future tense. I already did that. The machinery I used to create and or selectively redefine aspects of reality is gone.

Education is a lie. Your teachers are lying to you. I worked really hard as a teen. I denied myself friendship and ordinary pleasures to get top grades and I did. I'm consistently top in my class and have great references and they landed me places in top colleges. Problem is, I can't afford them! I literally cannot take any places because I don't have the fuarrrking money. It's a damn joke. And I see rich kids with worse grades than me, not bad but not as good, and they just get in easily and don't have to worry about soykaf. I've tried raising money through a menial job and a loan, but I still don't make soykaf when you deduct rent. I just feel like I've been fuarrrked over. What ever happened to meritocracy? I'll tell you now, all you kids out there, don't study, don't take school seriously, because it's all just a fuarrrking lie and you'll end up a friendless loner working a low income soykaf job without that golden future you were promised.

>>67593 As someone who tookn the path you're suggesting (but was crippled brutally and thwarted every step of the way, long story) what I think the issue is was that you aligned yourself to be in submission to society and the script laid out for you expecting acceptance and a reward. Society is a scam. So yes, you were made to buy in and get so far, most people aren't supposed to, you did, so you saw the walls and filtration machinery tucked behind the curtain. Depending on your field it may be possible to submit to indentured servitude, ie debt peonage, by taking out massive loans where you're then forced to do what you're told or else you'll get blackballed and then no work, then you're fuarrrked and in debt, so you shut up and keep your head down.

>>67593 I understood this a long time ago, basically when I started to get less motivated for what I have been learning in high school. Academia's only purpose is the diplomas recognized on the markets. It's no longer about learning and doing research on a topic as if we were in Ancient Greece, rather, it's about adapting to the industrial standards and demand. On the other hand, learning on your own has never been as easy as in today's society (at least, if you know what rigor is),

>>67593 Haha but you can learn the same stuff online now lmao

>>67593 Rent seems to be the god-tier scam. I hear about what people pay in rent in some of these urban soykaf heaps, meanwhile I had a 200/month mortgage for a while.

>>67593 you supposed to take a stipendium which means state pays you everything for being at the top. Only risk is the common rule if grades drop payment stop. That said i don't disagree with connections > grades. Old joke is what do you call the guy with lowest passing grades in med school? A doctor. This is why you shouldn't blindly trust.

Kindof an inverse-vent, but: I love you guys so much. You make great posts, and reading and writing for this site makes me really happy :)

I have my first "real job". Ive made money here and there my way but I realized I didnt really know a thing about work so I signed up for a kind of harder labor job and got the position. Im almost 25, im sort of slow to everything. But now I live twice as long. Each day feels twice as long, and each night I get back twice as long. Time has multiplied for me with just this job thing. All it took was a word or concern from someone I care about it and like that I got it. Everyone says im doing such a great job for a first timer. I always thought id totally fail at something like this. Im kind of this abomination. But now im an abomination that for all intents and purposes will live twice as long. Now that I know working on that work makes everything that much longer. I was raised to not think much about myself all I really know is that I walk in a shy way and that im grim kind of from other people. I dont get angry or frustrated. I have no idea how what I say is received and I never think about it. Sometimes I talk incessantly and other times I wont even respond to someone. Everyone looks fuarrrkable to me, everyone also seems too fragile to fuarrrk. Only in the presence of the most aggressive of people do I feel safe. Last night I had a dream my partners roomate was banging on my door to be let in to do something with me. I said no, we will get caught and she asked for her purse which was in my room. After I gave it to her she found a knife init and tried to stab me and then when that failed started stabbing herself. She hooked herself into a giant machine thay would replace her blood with an unknown fluid against my wishes, and the scientists there could not say whether she would die, live, or be stuck somewhere inbetween. I could not call my partner out of fear that it would look like we were doing something. Not too long ago we all, in real life, went to the store together and I felt like I had a family and she was our child. She never has any money, shes always getting into trouble. We both encourage her to move to where she wants to, to follow her dreams. To end her and my partners suffering. But, and this isnt the first time, when we all hang out together and I get this feeling we are like a family, I dont want such a thing. And this is what the dream was about. I dont want that work to end. It is my least favorite part of all. When I was in college in my last year of my final semester I had to be talked into not dropping out. All was according to plan, I would graduate in my major of choice, but I had convinced myself this final year to complete it, it was just sunken costs. While everyone else was upset about our lack of official graduation due to the pandemic, I couldnt have cared less. It took me a year to even come to terms with the fact that I had graduated and it was over. Completing that work signals death to me. I have no anger I have no violence and I have no competition, and so I despise my fellow man and love my creatures and ghouls and goblins and whatever. I have no competition so im an abomination. And so that work must always continue. There is no end to that work, and so I am always providing service. Because of this I am at odds to everything, and though I am loved for my service, I am an abomination at odds with everything. All to continue that work, and the work will not end. And one day people will, rightly, fear the work, and I will keep on that work. If the devil truly made work of idle hands we would not see an idle hand around us. There is no such thing as the idle hand, somewhere out there is the king of staring at the ceiling. The devil does that work.

>>67032 I wasted yet another day feeling bad about being a virgin. Knowing that no one wants to be intimate with me is really getting to me now that I'm 25 and have used up roughly 1/3 of my life, if I'm lucky. I've been completely lost since the only person I talked to either ghosted me or died near the end of 2021. I don't have anyone to share my life with and I'm miserable. What's the point in celebrating anything when I have no one to celebrate with? I'm contracted to work for 10 hours a week, but I'm almost 30 hours behind on work because I spend so much time thinking about this soykaf. I've lost the will to do pretty much everything. I've been in and out of therapy about 4 times and I'm no better at coping with it. I don't want to spend another 50 years doing this.

>>66052 I have been thinking about how I dislike my current situation, yet I have done little to change it. As much as I think about how I should act, the legitimacy of the basis of how I should act, I cannot seem to come up with anything that does not resort to hedonism, or giving myself a task that seems so complex that it would take longer than my lifetime to complete. However, I've come up with one activity that will keep me productive, while at the same time being fun, and will allow me to feel like a kid again. When I came up with it, it involved thinking back to when I was most content in life, and that was when I was a child playing a specific social video game. I don't play this game anymore, and the activities that I disallow myself from doing affect my ability to play this game (proprietary software), but I do miss it. I will make a game. It will be free software. It will mostly be a reimplementation of this game, but with a few big changes. This original video game had a mission about it, a goal, but the way it was designed & its progression over time worked against this goal. There already have been recreations of this game, but none of them ever took off, and they were created by those who were just nostalgic for older versions of the game, not those who appreciate the uniqueness of the abilities of this game. Every single recreation suffered from the issues of the original, and since they were just clones with minor changes, there wasn't much of a reason to play them over the original. I may regret going down this path in the future, but it's all I can think of doing that has a much higher chance of going the way I want compared to my other options. As of right now, all I do is observe the interactions of people online. I am like some sort of ghost. I have not really communicated with anybody in awhile, except with one "friend" from work, but I do not feel like me when I speak with him, I'm not sure if that makes sense. Even my grammar & word choice has gone bad; typing this up, I recall being more eloquent in the past. I hope that we will all have a good time together in the future. The people of the original game that I know may not be around anymore, but I will make new friends and we can create a bunch of nice things.

>>66052 Sick and tired of small sites I like getting flooded with cp or animal crush videos. I''m fuarrrking traumatized at this point. I'm literally having multiple nightmares that wake me up at night and have lost my appetite. I want to quit using the internet except for bare essentials, does anyone have any advice on this? P.S. for some added context I was molested as a teen and really don't want to deal with this soykaf

I'm still a virgin, I've never been in love and nobody has ever been in love with me. Men have only offered to use me. I can't figure out what makes me unlovable. I've driven myself to extremes to be attractive, I've starved myself to be underweight, I've had a six pack before, I've scammed to get tretinoin and other expensive skincare items. None of it has been enough to make somebody love me. I feel I've tried everything. My face and body must be irremediable. I've always felt a need to remove myself completely from society, now I know why. All my most antisocial and reclusive urges, the answer was always buried deep - I am deformed. I think about all the men I've ever been attracted to or tried to talk to with new clarity. I know now I was likely only making them uncomfortable. I go to the gym but I don't know why. I eat but with no enthusiasm. If I starve myself again, my sex drive will hopefully disappear, but I will still torture myself with dreams about a husband and children.

>>67778 You can't gauge your own attactiveness at all? Post pics if you want people to burn you.

>>67780 Yes I'm sure someone with self image issues needs to post their pics on an imageboard full of strangers. What could go wrong?

>>67776 >does anyone have any advice on this? Yeah it fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I can imagine how much it is like kicking dead whales down the beach for you especially. It's only an idea/theory, but I imagine you could use something like Greasemonkey to make a script that'll detect any bad keyword and if it does detect a bad keyword, it'll erase/replace some html to your liking. idk if there's something like that already made out there I never looked it up personally. it'll be daijoubu lainon

>>67776 No offense, but you're not lainchan material if you haven't already seen everything there is to see online. It's not a bad thing to be sensitive, but if you were online, even during the prime era of Tor, you wouldn't even wince at the stuff you're complaining about. The CP you see on imageboards these days are all deepfaked scams from chinese fishing sites that redirect you to pastebin clones. By animal crush, you're probably talking about the indonesian yt monkey pity meme, right? Actual crush snuff was pretty common back in like 2012 and before, there were even public sites dedicated to it like livecrush, and daily threads on 4/b/. tl;dr log off if you dont want to "deal with it"

>>67776 I just defocus my eyes very quickly when I see it. nice thing about lain is that its generally anti porn all together so no need to try to figure out whats kiddie porn vs whats allowed. get a thicker skin though dude. this soykaf has been happening forever and it aint going away anytime soon. Thanks obama.

>>67784 Are you serious right now? You're one-upping them because they don't want to see CP? Take a look at yourself, Christ. Have some compassion.

>>67786 It's a form of Orwellian inversion, "Ignorance is strength". "I can take anything, I am strong, I am immune, give me more to prove how much better I am!"

>>67786 I have compassion for homeless veterans riddled with PTSD. I have compassion for young cancer patients. I have compassion for people born with deformities. Why should I feel compassion for someone with enough free time to spout their mealy mouthed cocksucker on an internet-centric imageboard, about how they "can't handle" seeing some of the most weaksauce nefarious images ever posted in *chan history? I have no compassion for a waste of human protoplasm that whines about something they could easily hide/ignore.

>>67791 Ignorance is strength, indeed.

golly jeepers guys. "Have some compassion" ? The world has no compassion, if you cant stomach seeing things you dont like then either leave or find a new stomach, its that simple. To be fair 67776 has come to this conclusion and wants to get out. Do I have advice ? Just do it ?

>>67784 I've been online since 2006. I remember seeing the beheading of Nick Berg and a bunch of other videos from Iraq, suicide bombings, lynchings, US soldiers mowing down civilians. If you were using the Arabic internet back then, you would have inevitably run into jihadi content far far worse than anything on a Western shock site or /b. I've seen it all before, including CP and puppies being chopped up with meat cleavers. I've been there at the aftermath of suicide bombings. None of this is new. I'm just tired of it all. I honestly don't know what some people get out of puffing up their chest and bragging about how immune they are to this stuff as if other peoples suffering means nothing for you tests of courage. Around 2016ish I took a break from chans, forums, chatrooms etc. partly because I was sick of all the ISIS videos and Trump soykaf. I only came back recently and started using small low traffic sites like this and after three consecutive weeks of running into CP I'm just exhausted. I feel seriously depressed. I've had enough of this soykaf. Even sites like lainchan occasionally get that garbage posted here.

>>67780 Not a very kind reply. It's difficult for me to take pictures of myself, and posting them here would very obviously compromise my anonymity. Are you new here?

I met this girl around the end of last year, and I instantly fell in love. I texted her for the first time in January, and we had various long conversations where I felt we had a solid connection. We established some sort of intellectual respect for each other: we discussed many interesting topics that I wouldn't normally discuss with those around me. Then, suddenly, the flow in conversation began to slow down. She would reply to my messages anywhere from hours to various days late, and I would selfishly reciprocate this behavior. I partially account this to the fact that we were on break, so it is possible her Internet connection was shaky, or that she was busy. However, I noticed that sometimes her status would appear as online and my messages as read or delivered, without any reply. Fast forward to February, classes resumed. My college is a very small building; so I practically run into her every day. I try to say hi or smile most times we intersect, and sometimes she responds, but other times it feels like she looks right past me. I am now in this weird grey zone where I feel deeply enamored by some of her, but also have grown to slightly resent some of her. She is always on my mind; crashing my trains of thought and tormenting me as I fall asleep. (I wrote the previous paragraphs almost two weeks ago. Everything from now on is current. Sorry for the incoming shift in tone!) Last week, I went to a friend's party. It took place in a big backyard and a cramped bungalow. I spent most of the night with my friends drunkenly dancing away in the bungalow. As the night went on, more people began arriving, including her. Our eyes meet, we exchange a greeting's kiss on the cheek (custom in my country) and move on. From that point onwards, my confidence plummeted. She began dancing close to my group with her friends, and I could not muster the courage to dance with her one-on-one. Eventually, one friend notices my agony and pushes me towards her (absolute legend, major props). I barge into her friend circle and stick my hand out to her. She grabs my hand and we begin to dance: I go for the turn move and it works. Then we are holding both hands, and my mind is firing on all cylinders. After a few minutes of this, we go our separate ways with our friend groups until the party began to die down some half an hour later. I've come to the realization that I'm a lovesick schizo (see tonal shift in paragraph 2 and 3), but fuarrrk: I really like this girl. However, I am yet to confirm if she is interested in me. I would love to start a relationship here, but I am terrified of rejection. In some demented way, I think my mind prefers the copium of never knowing her true thoughts rather than to risk learning she is not interested in me. I don't know what to do with my paradoxical emotions. But at the end of the day, everything is up to me--I just wish she reciprocates my feelings.

>>67791 >>67784 jfl are you 14? watching gore doesnt make you hard lol

My mom has told me again I have to get a job. Every time she does it, my heart sinks. Not because I hate working, but because even when I'm NEET, life is already 100% empty and unenjoyable, and so life when I'm employed is a constant day-to-day struggle to keep myself motivated. Before I became mentally ill, I remember getting home from school and being so excited to just jump into video games, I would play for hours. These days I feel that way about... nothing. I play games but they're not fun at all. I cook food but I don't enjoy it. Oddly the only thing I enjoy is thinking. When I have some beautiful new idea, the world lights up again for a brief time. Only then do I feel alive again. But that alone hasn't been enough to make my life meaningful. Deep down, it feels so empty.

>>67663 Hahahaha you sound like someone I knew. But new. Interesting cosmology. How many there are of your kind, do you think?

>>67827 watching gore doesn't make you hard ??? LOL!

>>67834 I did get hard once watching gore, a couple times actually. That’s when I realized it was fuarrrking me up in the head and now I just avoid it.

>>66420 I unforunately relate a bit. I don't like seeing kids having fun because as a kid I had no fun. The obsession with nostalgia all over the web and pop culture is a problem here of course.

>>66420 anon, what should I do? I wish this wouldn't affect me so much. It seems like I keep getting worse and devolving the more time goes on.

>>67841 Sounds like a you problem. Maybe stop criticizing other people that watch gore videos out of curiosity, when you're a borderline gorephile, lool.

>>67833 Almost passed out writing a reply to this for some reason no idea why could have been a combo of things. Anyways I dont know your friend or what specifically you mean by "my kind" I just have lots of ideas. I had something entirely different written out but I think this is better; there is the same amount of people like me probably as there has always been. If I had to guess you probably pass by people like me on the time they just are out on the street asking for cigarettes or money or arent even concerned with you and talking to themselves in their own little world. Like in terms of fundamental thought, its just maybe certain differences in thought that happened later or lessons or something maybe my mom taught me that causes me to diverge at all. As everyone does I guess. Thats kind of a non answer but ive tried to write 5 times now why I think thats the case and further why im not also in that situation but I honestly cant. Each time I try I just work myself up and it makes me like simultaneously really frustrated and also like I want to faint. I have no idea how to answer you at all and I dont even want to post this but I will cause maybe you will see something I dont.

>>67859 >Almost passed out writing a reply to this for some reason no idea why could have been a combo of things. i also intermittently segfault when trying to talk about things above a certain level. and wrote and deleted multiple paragraphs. >out on the street asking for cigarettes or money or arent even concerned with you and talking to themselves in their own little world. solipschizos? yeah my word goes out to them in whatever realm they may abide. you might not be surprised anymore to hear that some such even hold salaried positions >something maybe my mom taught me that causes me to diverge at all. as opposed to being taught by the actor on the telly, yes? sad world. tell me bout it >I have no idea how to answer you at all and I dont even want to post this but I will cause maybe you will see something I dont. yep for whatever reason i see a whole lot of stuff but have no idea if any of it is true.

Need to see a shrink to improve my mental health Need to have extra money to see a shrink god bless america Need to get a better job to have extra money Need to improve social skills to get a better job Need to talk to people to improve social skills Need to stop being Boring and Depressing to Be Around to talk to people Need to improve my mental health to stop being Boring and Depressing to Be Around

I'm done with people I'm done hanging around toxic retards just because you're mentally fuarrrked doesn't mean I am just because you feel like soykaf doesn't mean I have to feel like soykaf too if I'm having fun or doing good you don't have to soykaf on me and say oh that's cringe if I say I hung with people irl you don't have to say there's no way I could ever have a single friend if I say I'm studying you don't have to think I'm just wasting time because I'm a fuarrrking hopeless loser if something bad and sometimes REALLY bad happens to me you're always there to stomp on my head when I'm down and can't help but make fun of me talk to someone for years for this just draining my energy and making me feel empty when I spent countless hours helping you asking for nothing in return go fuarrrk yourself I'm better off alone or with anyone that cares and doesn't make soykafty assumptions about me just to feel better about themselves and its not even the first time something almost the same as this happens just fuarrrking wish I got out earlier now my brain feels permanently rotten

>>67910 Relateable. At some point in early childhood I said I will never be hurt again, I will be invulnerable, I will have absolute control, I will be exempt from the natural order. I got rid of positive emotions and learned to manufacture them from negative ones. Thus "solving": >just because you feel like soykaf doesn't mean I have to feel like soykaf too They always ruined it. Visibility is vulnerability, connection is cruelty, closeness is mutual harm, change risks death. So you simply become everything and nothing, you become God, you kill yourself to survive. >just fuarrrking wish I got out earlier now my brain feels permanently rotten Yep, this too. Realized much too late.

>>67911 I was like that too long ago but after years of basically emotional isolation I just couldn't take it anymore and got way too attached to people that I shouldn't have ever even spoken to and it messed me up much more than when bad "friendships" happened the first time and initially led me to isolation now I guess I'm where I was before but with more awareness, I just hope I can get through it without too many scars, you literally can feel them in day to day interactions and everything you do, if you're having fun you feel like you can't have fun cause it won't last so there's no point in it

I am everywhere. Behind every shadow and every crook there's a piece of "me." My vices are not unique to me, my mistakes are not solely "mine" but the collective's as well. They are me and I am them. The shade looming over our world holds me and hosts all others who have sinned. Where do they end, where do I begin? Am I simply a selfish fool or am I also the dictator holding authority with the grip of his claws? Am I even real? Do I have soul and individuality or am I just a hollow husk biding his time until the last heartbeat? It's so tiring. I can feel my intestines and the disgusting warmth of my flesh. A body I'm not sure I can even call my own as I feel detached from it far too often. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Just let me go damnit. I wasn't made for this world so take me back to those blue skies I left behind. Take me back to that world I never had the time to know. Give the devil that much pity.

This site's spam filter is way too stringent. I wish they would at least give an indication of what the fuarrrk is tripping it. I've rewritten my post 5 times already and it still says "looks automated".

not really venting about anything bad here. Uhh, it's like what's happening is a good thing no doubt. But I am really fuarrrking bad at dealing with people and this is causing me stress. I know I should get good at this too - it will solve so many problems and it is definitely necessary for what I want. And I know that I have to attend this thing to get better and many more in the future. On top of all that I have the opportunity to deal with people that like me beforehand. But it is still causing me so much stress. My stomach makes a knot at the thought of it. When the day comes I will make my stomach hard and it will be okay. I hope.

Don't know if this will be Islamophobic but I have never seen a more rabid group online than Muslims. They make fun of other religions , culture and people. Meanwhile if someone makes fun of theres all hell is loose. Gonna delete twitter after all the fights I had with them. Want to delete my tweets in bulk but can't seem to find a good service that doesn't charge for it. One does but it seems it has blocked me for some reason.

>>67952 I feel like I get this with a whole bunch of people, usually not demarcated by religion; I've seen this behaviour with Asian people, as well as indians (not being racist, it's just that i live in an asian majority place and interact with them more). idk, maybe its some sort of innate tribalism within people.

>>67952 They're a circumcising religion, and they do it at older ages, which yields somewhat different effects on aggression than doing it at birth or at 8 days. There you go. Make culture cut peepee, man act weird. nuff said

>>67957 lol, what the fuarrrk does this mean

>>67964 I'm saying removing parts of a man's genitals when he's a child, alters his behavior in a manner which depends on his genetic temperment, the way it's performed, and his current stage of development.

>>67965 a man when he's a child

>>67975 Yes. Forcibly modifying a man's genitals as an adult will have a different effect. Modifying by consent will have a different effect as well.

I finally got fired today. By all accounts, I do my job very well and both colleagues and clients like me. It's the first time I've ever been popular. But I ran foul of the office mean girls and after bullshit complaint after bullshit complaint I'm finally being fired essentially because I'm a quiet loner. Just goes to show that no matter how hard you work and how much effort you put in, people always find some way of knocking you down. If your not an outgoing social butterfly, then your basically fuarrrked. Well, I finally can go back to watching anime all day and playing video games.

Just wanted to get this out... It's unbelievably cruel that some forces/government tries to ban independent sites and especially imageboards. A high % of imageboard users either have mental health problems or are shut-in NEETs. They don't have any other places (or websites) to go or socialize at. Then some journos get upset that not everyone is like him on these kind of sites. Is it a surprise? There is no penalty for thinking for yourself on imageboards. Also what did he expect? The site has a lot of people with depression/other mental health issues, and a lot of people are not happy with the current state of society. Either they feel that they have failed, or that the society failed them.

>>68054 I never thought of it as "cruel" the way you do but I find it strange. Like we all know the NSA keeps tabs on niche imageboards like this out of fear of terrorism or whatever bullshit. Yet simultaneously they want us moved away from these boards to more mainstream platforms like twitter or facebook. Assumedly because anonymity is discouraged on those platforms. But at what point does it become a needle in a haystack situation? Twitter's estimated to have 450 million active users as of 2023 (https://tinyurl.com/y8hynw7d) and if the feds get what they want that number will only grow larger. Even if they have flagged words or phrases I imagine the people tagged by that system would still be in the low millions for Twitter and Facebook alone. Not even counting Reddit, Tik Tok, Youtube etc. There's no way they can realistically catch every criminal scumbag just through blanket mass surveillance with such large numbers. In fact a lot of times people are caught (from the stories I hear at least) it only happens after the government gets tipped off by a community member. Even though they supposedly have eyes everywhere. Unless I'm missing some puzzle piece it feels like the solutions these governments want would only serve to create more work for themselves. I suppose a larger workload means they can ask for more funding, and someone higher up would love to pocket that money. Though at that point it's not really about stopping crime anymore, is it? Really if they're afraid of cyberterrorists or whatever the easiest thing to do would be leave the scary imageboards alone so there's a smaller community that's less strain to monitor. That said I'm just a dumb Americock. It's not like I can speak for what everyone else's government is doing to the wild web.

>>68059 >Yet simultaneously they want us moved away from these boards to more mainstream platforms like twitter or facebook. No, that's where your error is coming from. Chans and mainstream DARPA Lifelog (facebook etc) companies were always yin and yang, light and dark, always a pair meant to evolve in parallel. It was never a competition. They not only desire, but require, you compartmentalize and then build up a pressure where you can then use pseudo-anon sites as a pressure release valve. It gets more information out of you, more deeply and viscerally, and it can be used to push your buttons. They can watch both streams and they know how they interact.

>>68063 >They not only desire, but require, you compartmentalize and then build up a pressure where you can then use pseudo-anon sites as a pressure release valve. If that's true it could make sense. "Fedposting" is nothing new on boards and if they lay the trap anywhere it'd be where people release pressure. But then why would boards like 8chan get derezzed off the web after they spark the wrong controversy? Having all your ducks lined up just to remove one of them would be odd. Also there's the media circuit rallying boards like 4chan as hubs for white supremacy and scaring away normal cattle who could just as easily be played. Though that could be explained with the government trying to keep an image as front line defenders or simply being uninvolved in news reports.

I'm tired of living with my mother, I've been for years actually, but I'm too low iq and incapable of any level of functioning, I've been raised to be dependent and im stuck here, i have no agency, I am pathetic at least I won't breed so the cycle ends here

>>68065 I felt the same way. You can escape. The longer youw ait, the more painful it will be dealing with coming to terms with the wasted time being a brainwashed extension of your mother.

>>68066 did you manage to get out? i already did which is why i suffer even more seriously gonna consider the military, it's my easiest way out because i have no skills and everything takes a long time, i won't bare it

>>68064 8chan had an onion link, it was a wild card. If the alphabet agencies had control over it, they would have been able to stop the christchurch guy.

>>68152 > they would have been able to stop the christchurch guy. Psyop.

>>68152 why? You're assuming pretty significant speed, confidence and compotence that there's no reason to expect they have. 8chan could be controlled by feds, facebook litterally and unashamedly is, yet thats where he did the livestream. Either he's working with the feds (possible) or they're just not that insanely good (definitly so).

>>68160 3rd option: just let it happen You write a law ahead of time and then just wait for something to happen so you can weaponize the incident as public justification for taking more rights away for safety.

>23 yo >Raped by mom as a kid >Heavily abused by alcoholic parents, there wasn't a day where I was not getting screamed at for no reason ever since I was a kid >Went to psych ward after suicide attempt, place was a glorified lab where they would test medication on us, spent 3 months there >In a vegetable state for a year after release >Never had a relationship with a woman, not that I could due to trauma >Highschool dropout >Weird due to lack of social interaction and mental illness, ghostly white skin, dilated eyes and skelly body makes me look closer to a vampire than a human, get looks basically everywhere I go >Way too talkative despite having nothing interesting to say >Try to sue parents after mom rapes my little brother, I fail because rich parents and corrupt justice system >Inherit 30K from a relative I don't remember ever seeing (meds fuarrrked with my memory) >Get into film school somehow >Strive there, join a cinema troupe, despite still feeling like I don't belong >Now an indie actor and director, everyone I regularly interact with doesn't respect me due to me being genuinely stupid >When I try to explain something it's like gibberish and when they try to explain something I can't understand anything, it's always genuinely annoying for both parties involved >Don't even feel like I'm friends with my coworkers despite them saying they love me, it's more like I'm the big retard of the group there to make people feel better about themselves >Resume is basically empty exept for indie cinema stuff The reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I have 2 little siblings and don't want to traumatise them more than they are already, I tried giving myself responsability by directing short films to distract myself from the pain but I can't deny that I'm absolutely fuarrrked and don't see any other solution besides killing myself. Whenever I interact with anyone it's like I'm so weird I'm not even human, I mean I use my steam username to credit myself in my movies and everyone I meet calls me by that name now, it's kind of cool but still it clearly doesn't help. Anyway should I just kill myself or find more distractions to get through the unbearable pain?

Okay, I just need to get this off my chest. I can’t stand some of my peers who live their lives doing “just enough” and people still like them. Society shouldn’t reward this type of behavior. I’m not talking about people with, say, a depressive disorder that causes them to be apathetic and have difficulty doing things. I’m talking about guys who WON’T put in the work, the “funny guy” slackers, the “class clowns”, the people who still think they have value with a 2.5 GPA. You know what? I WORK FOR WHAT I HAVE. I PUT IN TIME. I have an average GPA of 4.9. I’m in the 98th percentile for academic achievement in my city. I’m BETTER than 98% of ALL STUDENTS. It isn’t perfect, but you know what, I do my best. I ACTUALLY WORK. I don’t have hobbies, I don’t have any genuine friends, I study, I volunteer, and I GIVE BACK TO SOCIETY WHAT IT TOOK TO MAKE ME WHO I AM. I make my educators’ time worthwhile. I make sure that the tears and wrinkles I caused my parents when I got a 79% on a math exam in the 7th grade weren’t in vain. But what do these people do? Crack jokes, smoke dope, and cruise through life on easy mode, because “they have good intentions.” “They have a good heart.” I’m sick and tired of these impudent, impotent slackers, these FAILURES, thinking that charisma will get them ANYWHERE once they graduate. But that’s all from me.

>>68183 >become a greyface Moloch worshipper >wait for the payoff >wait for the payoff >wait for the payoff >wait for the payoff >wait for the payoff >...

>>68183 society is collapsing and the standards are lowering the priority is to make the populace easily controlled rather than useful most jobs are doing fake work so people have begun to see all work as pointless

>>68181 you're almost certainly infected with parasites like worms liver flukes, they mess up cognition and cause pain with no clear origin modern medicine doesn't acknowledge parasites as real medicine is restricted to the rich wormwood, black wallnut, and clove are very effective at killing parasites

>>68189 Thanks, I'm gonna go get some cloves

>>68183 People are different, some are smart, some are creative, some are laid back, some are violent, some are lazy. If you truly loved your field of study you wouldn't care about slackers

>>68194 Correct, but these people shouldn’t have concessions made for them because they don’t want to do better. That’s my problem with it all. They could be like me if they wanted to, but they don’t want to. For some reason they just don’t WANT to work, and it irks me in a way nothing else does.

>>68196 You should think about this in terms of game theory, and then the emotions will melt away. Both from the concession-maker's and your peers' perspectives. I was like you in high school - I've since stopped caring about such things, the fascistic "shoulds" of the world. It's not my decision to make. Everybody rationally obeys incentives, given the information that they have. It's as simple as that.

>>68197 >think about this in terms of game theory what if my game is that I want to do cool soykaf and I want to be surrounded by a team that is doing cool soykaf with me rather than all these whale kickers who are only in it for the paycheque. Its like playing games in school where everyone is required to participate. half the class just doesn't give a soykaf and sits around taking up room. The rest of us have to play around em.

>>68198 > I want to do cool soykaf and I want to be surrounded by a team that is doing cool soykaf with me You'll understand the value of binge watching shows while smoking dope and eating goyslop when you get there. My job right now is to direct a short film when there's gonna be swordfights, superpowers and a car crash, on paper it's the coolest thing ever until you have to coach your team, get into fights with your assistants, manage a budget and all that stuff. I know I'm not cut out for it, I'm an anxiety ridden manchild incel with paranoid tendencies, so sometimes I have to take a break and fuse with the couch while getting high and watching stupid cartoon. My dad used to work with the army and the fbi, he was a pretty big player during the cyber war against russia, when he went home he would lock himself in his room with a bottle of whisky and watch gumball and american dad. Work, especially intellectual work, can become a fuarrrking nightmare if you don't learn to pace yourself.

Working on my teaching certificate, long-term subbing an English class for juniors/seniors. Most of my class periods are great, but my last one of the day is filled with delinquents and drug dealers. I'm not even exaggerating or stereotyping. These are types of people that are openly defiant, despite having no future prospects. Many of them work at Walmart and will probably be working there for years to come, assuming they're not arrested. Some of them have been arrested before already, but they don't care in the slightest. Just pisses me off to have to spend the next couple months putting together curriculum and grades for these losers, most of which won't be graduating (and they hardly care). Parents should seriously beat their kids more.

@incognito that's a very charming guy you posted, any particular purpose?

@Anonymous purpose is to charm you ?

Another day, another fit of depression and suicidal thoughts, this time from wishing that I had at least one person who shared my interests with me without being some autistic unstable psycho from an imageboard. I've long since outgrown imageboard culture and the people who usually browse them, yet at the same time I'm fuarrrking trapped here because this is also the only place where I can truly be me and talk about the things I like without being silently ostracized or passive-aggressively bullied for it the same way real people do. Everyone fuarrrking says "oh anime is mainstream, oh everyone watches this stuff now, it's normal to like anime now" but when I actually try to talk about it or engage people in it, I get the silent treatment or weird looks or whatever. fuarrrking sick of this hypocrisy, simply being fuarrrking ostracized and made fun of for liking the thing that everyone calls "mainstream". If it's actually fuarrrking mainstream, why aren't any of YOU watching it? The worst fuarrrking part is that simply by having an interest in Japanese culture and otaku things, I then get associated with all of the negative fuarrrking stereotypes. They all silently think that I'm a fuarrrking racist, a fuarrrking pedophile, that I'm a terrible and toxic person, and whatever awful character traits. Oh they'll swear up and down that they don't think so if I ever decide to confront them about it face to face, but it's fuarrrking obvious from the way they fuarrrking treat me, not an ounce of subtlety. It's such an awful fuarrrking loop I'm in, I meet people, I reveal who I truly am (my interests and passions and hobbies), they then reveal their true colors as well, and I cut things off because of it. It's made me start to wonder if everyone out there is just a cruel and awful person deep down inside, whether positive human traits are just a facade to hide what's really inside. Descartes and Hobbes were right, all people are inherently evil, and hell is other people. At the end it's only me, extremely lonely, wanting to meet new people and make friends and forge real connections with people, but it's all a stupid fuarrrking pipe dream. Nobody else likes the things I like, I'm not allowed to show my love for these things, and it's better if I liked something more "normal" and to just become like everyone else. Maybe if I stopped having the stupid fuarrrking idea of "wanting to share the things I love with other people" and all that stupid fuarrrking bullshit, but at the same time I don't want to just stop being myself, stop liking the things I like because other people tell me to, and conform to their expectations and demands. Sometimes I wonder if nowadays, all that defines us is our taste in entertainment and media, whether or not you like the same things as the other person is what makes or breaks it. There's no such thing as "an open mind" , no such thing as "trying new things", no such thing as "leaving one's comfort zone", no such thing as "tolerance", no such thing as "an open mind". Everyone just fuarrrking stays with what's familiar to them, only surrounded by the things that they like, and their minds slowly rot because of it. We just want to interact with fuarrrking clones of ourselves, live in a fuarrrking echo chamber, and never wonder what the fuarrrk is outside ever. All people want are clones of themselves, who'll say the same things, react the same way, like the same things, and behave the same way, from here to eternity. Everything new and unfamiliar is immediately bad and stupid, and I'm a fuarrrking hipster for actually going out and experiencing new things. The nostalgia, rose tinted glasses, and safety destroying whatever fuarrrking light these people had in their god damn eyes. Didn't we get this fuarrrking far adapting to our constantly changing environment, and coming out on top because of it? Worst part is that the one person I DID have a real connection with, who I was genuinely friends with and shared a wavelength with, drifted apart from me because of the pandemic (he was Chinese, and was over in China visiting relatives when it all happened, and we couldn't talk online the whole time). Everyone else I've met in life have either been supremely malicious or mentally unstable. I wish things would change, I wish things were different, I wish for a better world, but it's simply not to be. This isn't me just bitching about my life without doing anything to change it however, I put effort in every day to try and improve my situation, but my spirit is breaking slowly but surely. I'm just stuck here, complacent in my cynicism and jadedness, resigning myself to the same hell I embroil myself in time and time again in the hopes of maybe turning things around this time. fuarrrking definition of insanity, Sisyphus's boulder and all that, am I right? I only do this because, and this is gonna sound really fuarrrking stupid, but stories where people pick themselves up, fix themselves, and push on despite their issues and personal demons, inspire me. It makes me think that I'll be able to make it too, if I put effort in every day and never give up, that one day I'll actually be able to make good longstanding friendships and not have to go to imageboards ever again for some fuarrrking fuarrrked up fake semblance of social interaction.

>>68183 Frank Grimes was right

>>68208 well I share a lot of your thoughts, but I am a naive loser that likes to believe there are people out in the world with open minds and that are capable of liking me. I have found some such people, sure they don't have a perfect overlap with my interests, and sure I'm still lonely as fuarrrk with noone that I can open up to entirely. For me it seems like what normal people value most is normality, and of course I am entirely incompatible with these people, but they make up the majority of the people out in the world. People that are willing to interact with the abnormals are rare, abnormals like me are even more rare. So it almost seems like a simple stats game - just play more angles and surely you'll find someone eventually ;) Or not, I don't know honestly, I'll let you know if I find someone before I go completely and utterly insane from having to interact with normal users.

>>68208 I dont even have interests or want to meet any people anymore, honestly i wish they would all drop dead. Im thinking of moving far away into the middle of nowhere, funny thing is i now might have a chance. Everyone and everything mainstream is shallow and pointless bread and games garbage that only total imbiciles find interesting. Good thing i guess chatgpt is going to make most of these assholes crawl further into their echochamber, those people already are all on facebook all the time and have headplugs so no unauthorized outside communication can take place, i miss the days when people all had those masks on so you never had to see their ugly mugs. Normaltrash is nothing but pork running around rolling around in their own filth and being happy about it, real pig filth is atleast somewhat organic atleast. People are not in the slightest interested in being engaged or challanged or otherwise shaken out of their little truman matrix world, if they behave as pork they get treated as pork, i hope they all get slaughtered. There is no denying other people are hell and this world is still living proof of this and human life too is inherently depraving to the rest of nature and just a pointless joke in general, most people are just in deinal of that and think they are nice people with good souls, this could not be further from the truth. This is their big lie and all they want it for others to maintain that lie and all of the lies that this scheme consists of, they are willing to do anything to maintain that facade and will never admit it. The only winning move is not to play.

>landlord selling home >housing market so saturated cant find anywhere to rent >consider temporarily moving to my mothers and find a place closer to family >she so anxious about the idea she starts trying to take the reigns of my life right away >totally pushy stressing me out even more when she knows Im going through a lot >decide to stay with friend and tell her but still would like a ride to take some stuff to hers >she starts randomly bringing up traumatic childhood event like some sick subconscious ploy to emotionally manipulate me with total disregard to how stressed I am on account of actually becoming homeless >speak to AI and it tells me what I already know, that shes NPD >decide I dont want her help at all now as she stresses me out too much and now will have to try and sell or just trash a bunch of my stuff and pretty much be prepared to live out of luggage I keep feeling like shes demonically possessed cause though she might appear nice its like a demon attacking me and making me far more stressed whenever Im going through something. AI actually called her evil and that I should cut contact. She having a big birthday party next month and Im just not going to be there.

>>66267 >Prisoners deserve human rights, unless they did a crime I don't like (rape) >Mental illness shouldn't be demonized, unless it's one I don't like (numerous examples) >The citizens of a country should not be conflated with the sins of their government, unless it's a place I don't like (France) >People deserve body autonomy, unless they want to do something to their body I don't like (doctor assisted death) People are such hypocrites.

I'll be 30 soon. I'm too sickly and agoraphobic to go outside, I haven't had an IRL friend since school (which I dropped out of), I've never had a boyfriend and I'm going to die a worthless christmas cake virgin. What value is there in continuing this life? I so desperately want to die. I've attempted a couple times in the past and now they're wary of leaving me alone. I don't know what to do.

>>68345 Do something you think is cool first.

>>68349 >Do something you think is cool first. How?

>>68350 not him but Im sure you could like sing a song or something. build a real cool sandcastle. sorry you became a spinster you should probably try to scare some young women into getting married before or during your death.

>>68353 >you should probably try to scare some young women into getting married before or during your death. I don't want to get married, I just want a long-term relationship. It's not romantic if you need to be bound together by law. But I guess most people don't agree with that viewpoint.

>>68345 >sickly and agoraphobic that's related, you need a bit of filth to be healthy because in absence of outside diseases to fight your immune system starts fighting yourself and weakens from lack of training. Sewer rats have unironic better immune systems and health than kids growing up in sterile environments. tldr: if you got nothing else to do learn to embrace the filth

>>68357 >It's not romantic if you need to be bound together by law legal marriage is not marriage. Government & law have tried to take over marriage but don't give it to them. Not all legal marriages are real, not all real marriages are legal. Good arguments that all legal marriages are in fact gay marriages to the government, which is to say not real at all.

>>68365 I don't have any desire for marriage as defined by the church of the evil god either, if that's what you're on about.

>>68368 >I don't have any desire for marriage as defined by the church of the evil god either, if that's what you're on about. I'd say marriage is more basic than even that; its a natural part of humanity, only slightly less basic than birth and death. Religion and government acknowledge and involve themselves in it, advise and somewhat manage it, but it is not their creation, they are not neccisary to it, and sometimes they are antagonistic to it. In either case, if your story is as you say it, then your case would well serve as a warning to younger people that they should not follow your footsteps. Please do that, instead of trying to lure others down it that they share in your misery.

My psychotic disorder causes me to want to die every single day. Whether it be from the wasted opportunities as I dropped out of school because of it. Or the embarrassment caused by having a clear head and looking back on what I did/said/believed during one of my episodes. Or the heavy doses of literal tranquilizers that they give you to calm your mind, which prevent you from enjoying anything. I'm probably going to check myself into the hospital soon, because I cannot stand the suicidal ideation anymore, the lethargy is overwhelming, and it's the right thing to do. I've already attempted suicide before, and it was extremely scary. I really don't know what they can do to me, and I've been victimized before at the hospital by other patients, and nurses, so I am quite hesitant to go. I don't want to die, because people in my life would be very upset, so I hope they'll do something to help me.

>>68403 -Take NAC -Take a good multivitamin [spoiler]-Stop eating grains, processed food, and plants for a while. -Take lugols iodine. Have your thyroid checked. -Stop drinking tap water. Filter your water. -Get away from wireless devices. -Get off any meds, especially those that screw up sleep. Ideally a doctor would help you fix this issue, but we don't have a health care system in existence on this planet.

>spent another evening staying up late into the night trying to find my friend It's been almost 16 months now but I just can't let go. I really regret not asking for another way to contact him before he vanished from the internet. I assumed he'd only be gone for a couple of days. He meant the world to me. Alas, his opsec is too good for me.

>>67391 Yeah Bro , I thinking about banging girls.

>>67736 Understandable brother. I can't give you any solutions I am stuck in a phase just like you but I will hope something good happens in your life. What about your parents especially your mom? Do you talk to her?

>>67953 I guess colonialism does play huge part in this. But other thing could be people just say insensitive stuff about Asians and Indians and now with Internet Boom in India , many indians are calling it out Ig.

>>68181 I feel for you lainon , I thought my life was bad but yours is much fuarrrked up. I hope you will stay alive and I wish for you all strength to continue fighting against this miserable world.

>so lonely i'm jealous of a fictional character >loneliness is all i know >i don't think i can even handle the alternatives >compulsions are getting worse >really fuarrrking down for some days now >my balls hurt tonight for some reason >im stressed for the future of my family >daydreams are getting worse >my heart feels empty >have started to drift away from all my friends >even before that, i couldn't really open up to anyone >mentally and physically isolated from the world >i don't think i can improve my situation much before the end of this year >accidentally tasted happiness for a little while >it only makes my default state hurt so much more well could definitely be worse.. i hope i wake up happy tomorrow, if my heart doesn't give up on my hopeless ass, that is

>>68405 What if your friend doesn't want to be found? Would you respect their wishes?

>>68428 Yes, and I told him I wouldn't be upset with him if he did. Having said that, the last time we spoke he said "I don’t want to ghost you, I’m afraid I might do it impulsively because of feeling sad" and that he loved me, which has made it quite difficult for me to move on, I suppose. Just knowing whether he's alive or not would probably stop a lot of my worries.

>>68412 Thanks lainon really means a lot, I got called out by a coworker today because of the way I've been lashing out at everyone dumb enough to actually like having me around, ever since I took my parents to court. I was thinking of leaving the country and starting a new life somewhere else but I can't do it now because I'm director on a dystopic short film. Anyway how are you doing?

>>68405 >>68429 I'm guilty of doing this, many times. Just can't help but drift away from people in ways that leaves them wondering if I had some sort of freak accident. I feel bad about doing this and the memories of friendships made and lost will stay with me, but I already know it'll happen again. It's like an innate drive. >Alas, his OPSEC is too good for me. Had me wondering for a second, but the timeline doesn't match and my dog was brown. I hope you two run into each other again at some point.

Been a while since I posted here. It’s weird how often I come across people who seem to build their entire personality around one thing, to the point where should this thing be mentioned their name pops up in my mind, and it’s weird how annoying it actually is. Cool, you’re an aspiring family man, you’re a lesbian, you’re a devout catholic, you want to live in a cottage in the middle of the woods, you’re trans, you're a second generation migrant, you're woke and own the libs 24/7, you're an avid otaku, you served in the military, you’re a commie, and you just can't stop talking about it. All of these people are equally annoying, and all of them seem way happier with themselves and their lives than I am. I’m not sure if that is actually normal for human personality to work this way, you pick a thing and you commit to it, but either way it feels like I’m too afraid to do so out of fear of being perceived as annoying, picking the wrong things and having my entire being reduced to a few labels which I may outgrow in a few years while they would still linger on in everyone’s memory. All I can tell for sure is that I feel kind of hollow, like I'm no one in particular. I come off as perfectly respectable and ordinary, not much to pick on, but I'm just no one, really. That isn’t to say I don’t have interests or anything I could use to describe myself. I do, I think, I just don’t want those things to become the focus of everything. If I'm being completely honest, I don't think there's anything valuable enough in this life for me to tie myself to. It's quite alienating. I really don't know where I'm going with this. I know it's a me problem, and no human is actually that superficial. Maybe spending time online does skew your perception of others and eventually yourself. Maybe I should touch some grass.

>>68483 Nah, you're fine, just living through a shallow new world full of shallow new people who are happy to mindlessly go with the flow of whatever they happen to come across just to socialize and bond with other rotting pieces of meat. None of the 'obsessed' I've met so far actually cared about the object of their obsession all that much, all they cared about was fitting in, right into a freakshow of a modern society. So yeah, you're fine.

Someone told me recently, as I was struggling with a difficult model: "you like to do hard stuff". That's right. I may not be very creative, or smart, but I enjoy a good challenge. That's what lead me to embark in certain subjects. But at some point I accumulated so much stuff that I just don't make much progress in most of them, but I keep them on a back burner, takingup mind space. It is very difficult for me to organize myself because of how much stuff I attach to. Subjects to be learned, skills to get, and so on. I project this onto my workspace, my devices, and so on. I do enjoy a good challenge, and that's what drives some of my desire to learn some stuff. Maybe I should keep that in mind and stick to those things that satisfy that motivation.

browsing lainchan is like seeing an old flame i use to love all this tech stuff and had learned to program and enjoyed reading esoteric CS works.and then one day I just fell out of love with the entire thing.i hate tech.browsing here makes me nostalgic but i know its a world i really just don't want to go back to.

>>68510 Same here. I'm getting back into programming though.

>>68430 I am doing lainon , thanks for asking. I am saving up money to buy my home gym. Little frustated by my current situation but overall I am doing fine in general.

>>66052 Would anybody be interested in becoming in contact over XMPP? I am not sure if "friends" is a suitable term, nor "acquaintances." Maybe we could become those things. I've not really conversed with anybody beyond small-talk at my workplace for quite a long time. I think I am feeling loneliness, but I'm not so certain. I also don't do much, I recall being referred to as boring in the past---it is okay with me if you are boring, too, because I am just looking for contact at a minimum. If you are interested, please respond to this post with anything. I don't want to post my XMPP address + OMEMO fingerprint if nobody is going to use it.

I'm really tired of writing about the same problem over and over again. I think I should accept that a good portion of my desires are not truly my own and are no more than simple fantasy, a set of whims. I want to become a person I'm not, I want to do, or rather have done things I don't actually care about, simply because they're supposedly cool and respectable and are seemingly easy if you're passionate about them, which I'm not. And it's sad because then I'm faced with the unfortunate truth, I actually don't give enough of a rat's ass about anything in this life besides the most basic things like food and rest and vidya and wasting my time on the net. I've became the mediocre philistine I so detested. It's depressing, but it's also liberating. I don't need to pretend I care about philosophy, art or tech anymore. I've been faking it for so long it made me lose and hate myself. I will be free.

Honestly I just came to chans to masturbate to loli how tf did I end up here lmao

How do you guys deal with Anxiety? I have a lot of sexual anxiety and intrusive thoughts regarding sex. Usually I just live with it and not bother about it that much.

MOTHERFUCK Just got scammed on darkweb market, from the market itself. The markets name is Vice City and it's my fault honestly because I didn't do my due diligence and didn't look into it more to find all the fuarrrkers that whined about it online on reddit and such. 180$ down the drain I guess. And I don't have money as of late as is. I will have to do more digging and researching before I buy from more markets anymore soon. I guess no 2C-B in foreseable future for me. fuarrrk, MOTHERFUCK, SHIT.

I listed all these things that show my mother is a narcissist to her, now recently instead of admitting to those things shes turned around and made out Im the abuser and my dad was an abuser too. I asked him and he said she once came at him with a knife.

I used to be a self-styled ''revolutionary'' idiot with a blind belief in my right to change the world. But I've become more and more apathetic over the last decade. Not only does society not seem to care anymore with Gen Z being the most conformist sell out generation in human history, but it's like every revolution just ends in total failure. The best radicals are those that died fighting because they never had to deal with the failure of their ideals or witness the world change around them. It's pretty clear that society is totally fuarrrked and the world is just never gonna change and why should it? All we ever manage to do is fuarrrk it up even more. The French and American revolutions gave us parasitic liberalism, the Russian revolution gave us Stalinism and the Iranians gave us religious nihilism. Whatever! I'm over all that. Just gonna watch anime, eat chicken and enjoy what life has to offer because nothing really makes sense anymore. Politics is soykaf and I'm embarrassed to have wasted so much of my life on it!

>>68762 Kinda same, but I'm still interested in making the world better somehow. I refuse to accept that positive change is impossible, its just hard to predict. Ideologues have the problem that they have to think of themselves as morally pure, and their enemies as morally evil. This leads to huge blind spots in strategy that could only be fixed by seeing your enemies as whole people, as well as infighting and eventually purges. Materialism is also increasingly uninteresting to me, and it seems that modern politics cannot be separated from it. Even the modern theocrats have very materialistic aims. I think this is the core of the issue -- having stuff is all well and good, but its not enough.

>>68772 What I love about revolutions is the spirit. That chaotic burst of creative energy and rejection of authority by ordinary people. What comes afterwards is just the same old soykaf. The problem with politics today is just how horribly unimaginative it is. We don't imagine new alternate worlds anymore. It's all just "my body my choice'' vs ''trannys are psychos lol'' culture wars trash. Society is doomed because people can't imagine an alternative. We don't even dream anymore.

>>68762 Have you tried making a change for the better without violent means? Maybe instead of being antisocial we could integrate your ideals into the larger whole of society? A lot of people would die rather than wake up every morning and work hard on their dreams. It is easier to die I guess.

Someone very close to me is very sick and it really seems like they won't get out of this one. I was already depressed before we found out but now I feel completely destroyed and with absolutely no way out. Everything is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but most of all I hate myself for allowing things to become the way they are now. If only I was smarter, and not a fuarrrking weirdo, was less impulsive and more sensible. Maybe then I could have figured out a way to make money earlier, maybe I would at least have gotten a job and saved up enough to at the very least get them checked before things got this bad. I keep trying to be smart about the situation and accept reality but I can't help but feel so terrible, to the point that I have gotten sick. Been having flu like symptoms for about a month now and they won't fuarrrking go away. I wish that I could just end it all but then I know that at least one family member would be absolutely destroyed and I don't want that. Having the option to just kms has always been very comforting but now I don't even really have that anymore.

>>68774 >Have you tried making a change for the better without violent means? Maybe instead of being antisocial we could integrate your ideals into the larger whole of society? I honestly don't think my ideas are even worth integrating into society. Trying to change the world in that way just makes everything worse. People always come along with ideas thinking they can make the world a better place only to mess it up even more.

I hate LGBT. I hate the culture and I especially avoid associating with gays and lesbians. I'd say I'm against them. I just think the whole gay rights movement was a total failure. Rather than making the world better, it's actually made everything worse and just polarized everybody. I'm not against two guys in a relationship. When I read Plato's symposium or ancient Japanese homoerotic love stories, I like that stuff. I think there's a spirituality and a beauty to it and we should encourage it more. But all the LGBT are is an angry mob of pseudo-nationalists who are obsessed with being taken seriously as an oppressed people despite being a bunch of middle class white graduates in first world countries. It's just so ethically and aesthetically empty nihilistic group think. I can't stand how hostile and aggressive they are either.

>>68788 >who are obsessed with being taken seriously as an oppressed people despite being a bunch of middle class white graduates in first world countries Well, even middle class white graduates were oppressed in first world countries until very recently. People used to be imprisoned or forced to take hormone replacement therapy for being gay not too long ago. That's probably why Alan Turing killed himself.

>>68793 >People used to be imprisoned or forced to take hormone replacement therapy for being gay not too long ago. And just look at us now.

>>68788 >>68793 This. Most queers over the age of 30 remember state-sanctioned persecution and discrimination as adults. It's little wonder they are so politically cagey.

>>68800 >persecuted >get in trouble for fuarrrking in public, like anyone else would The only difference was that people would have more disgust in your direction.

>>68793 Well, that's actually a pretty recent thing. I mean, homosexuality became seen as a disease only in the 19th century while queers act as if the whole of history has hated them and that religion in particular is at fault. That hyper aggressive anti-religious bent is why you see a lot of ex-gay or ''I left the LGBT community'' type posts online. If gays have been oppressed throughout human history, until liberal America came along and tolerated it, then the whole of human history is by default bad, evil, the enemy, not to mention foreign cultures with funny names who look and dress different to us. Can you really expect Christians in America to react positively to that? What about Africans in Uganda? It's a pretty damning attitude that leads to an extreme resentment and plays into the hands of policy makers in Washington. >>68800 I don't think the LGBT people really understand what state persecution means. Sure, governments did pass laws screening for homosexuals and sending them off for ''treatment'' but that's pretty damn mild. Native Americans were almost completely wiped out, Japanese were rounded up into concentration camps, infecting black men with syphilis, nuking their own veterans. The US military to this day terror bombs whole cities leaving them uninhabitable, murders children, carries out extrajudicial killings, detention without trial and torture on a massive scale. What Saddam did to the Kurds, that's state persecution, a couple of cops harassing for being gay (common place back then) is well... harassment.

>>68802 I see. Perhaps the term "repression" better describes the conditions they faced during the latter half of the 20th century?

>>68800 >>68800 They were gays and lesbians not the 'LGBT community' which is entirely astroturfed. Practically none of those people are oppressed. In fact it's the exact opposite.

I'm scared shirtless of the ai. It enables a sort of existential panic that makes me feel like everything is just dissolving into nothingness right Infront of me, like I'm being sucked into the void and there's no escape. Like I'm dying. Does anyone feel the same or have a clue as to why is this happening?

>>68802 I mean, sure, in most countries the gays weren't literally executed. Saying "well somebody else had it worse" doesn't mean that it wasn't significantly bad. Its not a race to see who can be the most oppressed.

>>68816 most places where gays do get executed only really do it if you can't keep it to yourself and instead run around screwing everyone who will let you.

>>68816 > Its not a race to see who can be the most oppressed Actually that's entirely what the internet has become... all factions, all "wings". Nothing but this whining from every corner. It's tedious.

>>68820 Even if that were true, if that's all you need to justify hating another person then you're pretty weak. >>68821 Yeah its pretty tiresome.