/vent/ #34

"I just need to get through this week"

I had an IQ of 140 and schizophrenia has reduced my intelligence to the point that I cannot pass a single class. I could have gotten into an Ivy league school and instead I will never get a college education

>>62640 I think about it most days and it makes me want to die. I feel robbed

>>62629 Its been a hard day. Just feel pretty dead inside. Hopefully tomorrow will bring something good.

Sexually I still get erections ( I don't watch porn btw), I have a libido but I don't care for sex. But romantically… I just feel fine being alone. Like maybe it's all these years being alone made me like this but this is just how I am. I have no romantically interests whatsoever. I feel completely fine with my own company, in fact I enjoy it. And I feel like I never see people like me out there at all, online or irl.

>>62640 What do you mean? you should take another IQ test to see how much it has decreased, then based off that re-search about which are the specific weak points that people with that level of pattern recognition have, then just have them in mind with studying, last time I took a test it gave me an IQ od 116, which is not low, and not average, but it's nothing special either, so whenever I think that I've come up with someone smart or brilliant I question myself and try to look for every single error that what I thought as an absolute truth may have, the problem with most mid-wits is that they aren't aware of their midwittery, that's why most mid-wits in academia are grossing out the actual genuises.

>>62389 thank you for the very interesting link lainon I think I'm going to go to the open interviews at the bowling ally next to my neighborhood this week. I dont need work, my at home job pays for my beer and my soykaf apartment but I need to get out and connect with people again. I can't let her leaving kill me. Nobody kills me but me. If I don't get the job, or it's lame then I'll give the link a try.

18M turning 19 in about a week or so. For a while now I've been a little depressed as to why a lot of people feel comfortable to talk down/patronize me in speech, most of this is coming from my soykafty job im about to quit but just in general I get the sense that I do not hold a dominate presence. Never really thought about this when I was younger just assumed it was another thing adolescents deal with - but now it's becoming more apparent this kind of treatment is entirely personalized. I don't look young - 5'10 with a decent frame and some facial hair, have a semi deep voice and don't act very juvenile although I'm a bit underweight (145 ibs). What do to make it so people don't give me soykaf? Is it really simple as gainig muscle?

>>62665 what kind of work do you currently have?, I wrote like 2 pharagraphs just to realize that I don't even know what exactly do you do, and in which exact role.

>>62669 Right I work as a courtesy clerk at my local grocery store. I push carts, bag groceries, cashier etc. I'm going to switch in a month or so as a library assistant at my university

>>62670 definitely a good decision, good luck man.

Why am I so unable to study for days on end while suffering even though I did not change my routine from what worked before. Is it just because fuarrrk you? I don't get it. Am I not making the right sacrifices?

>>62681 changes in your environment may help you; going to a different place to study, or having a clean desk and room (no phone, gadgets, unrelated books nor distracting lights in sight, having an OS only for serious work/study without vidya installed, or even disconnecting entirely from the internet on your pc, if you need one in the first place). Also excercise, diet and a good ol' 8 hours sleep + some powernap in the afternoon are good for energy+focus

>ghosted childhood friend as a kid >ghosted teenager friends as a teen >ghosted internet friends >ghosted anyone who cared about me i just hate myself for this, but i cant stop thinking that people just dont like me, and they just act nice because they think that im retarded

>>62688 I think you might have an anxiety disorder bruh

I feel like I achieved a lot of the essential things. Graduated, got a stable job, fixed most of my personal issues. But there's one thing I want to focus on now and it's listening to my heart more. Essentials are essential, you do them whether you want it or not, and in doing so I've been disregarding my wants and wishes. I hope to find things that are interesting to me, and find out more about myself, hopefully living a more fulfilling life that I enjoy.

>>62688 Explain it to them, not to us. If you're sorry, say it.

>>62688 same thing, I tend to ghost people after a while, everyone thats just how it is

>>62685 I wish that I wasn't doing all those things already so it was that easy. I follow a strict schedule but regardless of doing everything the same my state varies so much between days. One day I stared my materials for 2h without actually accomplishing anything and then come home feeling absolutely dreadful. The next day I study for 8h and then do some additional hobby related learning like its nothing while I'm happy and positive. It's like there isn't a me but only versions that someone else decides. It's as if god throws dice before I even wake up

My head is just spinning. How can I afford all the things what I need and what I want. Everything is just blocking my way even it's not they want, or they want. The expectation of future is a self-justification. It can't console me. Also it can't keep me with a motivation 'cuz I'm pretty sure I won't/can't accomplish a goal. who knows.

4 years of stress and anxiety has destroyed my soul, but i just gotta survive this one semester. Then i can chill on a Erasmus semester and recover enough to finish my masters. Studying is meant to be a marathon jog but im just dragging my legs. I used to have passions, but the constant weight of possible failure has made them fade.

>>62688 I had online friend like this, he was always really worried about everyone hating him. Haven't heard from him after he disappeared but genuinely hope he's doing okay and managed to make some friends again. I think about him now and then.

>>62692 i explained it to them, but they are normal people just like me that have their own problems, im trying to unironically not have any friends or love partner to see if it's just me that needs to "grow up"

>>62688 lovely art (epic) fyi you should go hike 4 Moll'-_-'Flanders to be honest you likely entered a closed-loop ppl likely like you, but dislike prior systemic-secrets none undo

i usually watch porn every 2 days to not fuarrrk up my grey matter so much, but because im doing exams i completely stopped since sunday, and it really is making me have quite a hard time

>>60777 Follow-up: I'm living better and understand myself better. I care about people and find them interesting, but initiating conversation just doesn't come to me (ASD but only struggle with this specific part). I sometimes contemplate if I should work past it or work with it, it certainly affects my relationships with people. Fortunately, I am more open with family now.

what am I supposed to do in a situation where I know that I'm right, I have proof that I'm right, but because the other person is on a higher position than me there is nothing that I can do, and now I have to apologize for literally nothing. picrealted is me, but I'm the one crying because there's literally NOTHING that I can do but to lick the fuarrrking boot. it's so so so over.

>>62834 Apologize but don't do it sincerely. Put him in the uncomfortable position of being unsatisfied, but unable to demand satisfaction from you because you have already nominally recognized his authority and ceded the point. If he keeps demanding apologies, keep apologizing insincerely. Keep doing this until he either drops the issue or literally throws a tantrum like a baby.

>>62835 she will throw a tantrum, this has happened before, and because the place where all of this happens has religious people at the top she is probably going to say "ummm that's obviously a heckin not honest opionion, i beg you to apologize sincerely", if i kept being "insincere" she would just call the other woman who is in charge of everything. I could have talked to her and tell her why she is incompetent and why she should be here, but even if i do that then some retard would say "ummmm but you're not perfect so that makes automatically WRONG", I'm telling you, that I'm absolutely fuarrrkED.

>>62836 Literally just keep doing it. Worst case scenario you get fired from that soykafhole and never have to deal with that crap again.

>>62837 it's not a job... it's a school, all the teachers are really good, it's just this one...

>>62838 Teachers like to prance around like they have all the power. I am 27 and I can honestly tell you it is all bluff. They might do it once, or twice. To make "an example out of you". They want you to look like you are in distress. If you do it 10x times then they will give up. Literally unstoppable object meeting a lazy underpayed egotripper that cant soykaf up his job too much or principal will yell at him. Sincerely, fuarrrk her life up. I did a lot of soykaf as a kid so I know that you are scared, but sometimes fear is good. Push thrpugh it.

There are things I worry about more but don't feel like writing about them. Anyway, do I really belong in here if I can't program and have little interest in computers? I feel like everyone is smarter than me. I love lainchan but I'm afraid of trying to connect with anyone just because I can't talk about cyber security and linux.

>>62843 just start learning then, I got into this whole linux stuff and programming languages thingies because of lainchan, and someone whom I used to talk to.

I have 2 failed bullshit classes that have nothing to do with my major that I need to retake and I don't know how to tell my parents. I still haven't started working but I know I should've started at least a year ago and all of this would've been fine because I would've paid out of my own pocket but I was too depressed and demotivated to do anything back then so I

Tired as soykaf being busy and ontop of that having work drone impose on my home cause things wrong and landlord wants to sell. Might even have to fkn move and not prepared for that. Im dealing with everything but this week feels like one long hangover.

I know what I should be doing, yet I can't seem to do it I know I should be going to my classes, I know I should be studying, I know I should be working out, I know I should be going out more, I know I should be talking to new people, I know I should be making friends, I know I should be working towards healthy habits. I know that I *should* be doing all of these things and I know *how* to do all of these things too... but I just can't? Everything seems so cosmically disappointing in a way that I can't really get a hold on.

I finally managed to tell my gf how we feel. It seems likely to me that we will break up. But nothing is clear yet. At least I managed to do something worthwhile with my evening. Time to drink myself into a stupor.

>>62868 (me) *how I feel not how we feel didn't mean to use the royal we there. Here is an appropriate lain.

been thinking about this one girl i haven't talked to in years. for a long time i thought the situation was perfect but then thinking back i realized some of it was weird. I was younger than her at the time and she affectionately called me her "shota deer," and it wasn't even a real relationship because I was a dumb kid who convinced himself online dating was real. So for as much as she pampered me and made me feel cute she might've been sleeping around a lot. I'm pretty sure she even admitted something like it at some point, but I was spineless and brushed it off as long as I could keep holding her attention. Stuff like that. I should be over her, especially if I can look at traits of the "relationship" and point out red flags like that. Rather than being upset about details like that however I just wish more than ever I could talk to her again. Maybe I never really changed.

i'm obsessed with a girl and I can't get over it, i already got rejected so i know it hopeless . how insane is it, complaining about women on the internet, i feel so fuarrrking pathetic but I feel

Im deppressed and addicted to alcohol and adderal so i just go on these roller coasters of being a productive methhead to a stumbling drunk. When im high I trade securities and do school soykaf and when im drunk i watch porn and play eu4. my life is so boring I have no friends which gives me plenty of time to be productive. but im miserable. the only thing that seperates a day from another is how much and in what way i fuarrrk things up.

I had a good time last night. I go out an meet beautiful women. One last night had a husband. Last time they had just come out of a relationship and didnt want to give me their number. Really I just wish I had the money and resources to marry the love of my life back then. I fell badly for a lady who Ive cared for, for years now. She hung out with me like we were dating before her bf moved to town. We both like each other but perhaps we shouldnt have done that. The last woman who actually kissed me was a crazy bi polar witch.

I don't want to disturb anyone, I just want to live a peaceful life, alone, I don't even care if I die alone and sad, I just want to die of old age faster, but the days will only become longer with the time, and I'll regret the things that I didn't do, but I guess that's better, than regretting things that I can't un-do.

How do I know if I am on short path of getting fired? Cause this week was extremely weird for me and basically I feel like everyone is collecting paper trails against me. Some context: I work fully remote and all communication is on teams. 2 months ago tester who was working on my task called me on teams and he said about error he got during testing. He mentioned if few hours ago but I thought is environment problem and not at all related to my task. Then on this call I looked into code of my service and saw exactly where bug tester was talking about is located - it was slightly related to my task, method in the same file not written by me, you know tangentially related and my fault I did not saw it. I said I will fix it and then for few seconds tester opened teams window when he was still sharing his screen and then I saw everything I said transcripted in chat window. Correct me if I am wrong but speech transcript is only available if call is being recorded. Since then I became paranoid of being recorded on calls/meetings. Fast forward 2 months later I got on new project with mostly same people. Project is a mess, people don't have access and they can't work, I get access as one of the first (maybe just because i asked about it). I wrote some readme with steps and problems I encountered during project setup. Few days later team lead has access and he wants to setup his project. His service is different than mine but setup is similar anyway he ignores my readme and just calls me. He shares his screen and tells me about his problems, problems are weird and seem trivial to me. Guy is lead, senior dev and its hard for me to believe he don't know basics about project setup, it seems he is testing me. I guide him through the setup and it mostly works until we get stuck on some error I see for the first time. Problem is related to some library that need credentials that we still don't have. After call i spend maybe 2 hours researching this problem, I find mock library that can be used instead, now project can be started at least. I share it with team, lead says everyone that I fixed it and suddenly I become goto person for help with this library even though I know nothing about it. That's how this crazy week started. Once I managed to help, but then I get asked by guy getting error related to this library but this error is in different service I see for the first time and in some very specific case. I said I don't know cause I never used this service and never used this library in that way and guy said ok and he will try to fix it himself. I was told to not spend too much time on this guy i just did not helped him. But wait its getting more interesting. We are supposed to start working on service and lead creates meeting to divide work. On this meeting he shares his screen and tries to setup his project using approach I told. It works for him, app run everyone is happy. Some time later first task is finished and getting merged to dev branch. I changed configuration slightly (my bad) just to divide main config from local dev config. After merging lead is grumpy about service being broken he said he get same error about library access and asks if it's still not resolved. In this moment I am literally shaking from anger because he literally showed how it worked for him on shared screen and now he waits for me to admit "yes, its not working" just to create papertrail. He asks about some bullshit import error of local object and asks if I forgot to add dependency - I smell bullshit and that he obviously tests me again. He calls me again. I share my screen I show him my config, I show that I am on same branch and pulled latest changes I show that my app works fine. Then he literally asks me to rerun project to see if it works for sure. It makes me feel soykafty that he does not trust me I rerun project and it works again. Then I ask him to share his screen so maybe I can help. Then he REFUSES to share his screen and says its working for him now. Ok now thats really weird. I spend week getting called and asked for help for every little soykaf while they merge broken code that don't even build, is not tested and they don't give a fuarrrk. Thursday teamlead from another project asks me to talk about project I am currently in cause he gets transfered soon. I talked him once at start of job, he is closely tied to my manager I don't really trust him. Also my project is really some secret soykaf, closed off from world etc you can't really share anything. I am afraid its either guy wants to test me or bait me to reveal sensitive info to get me fired. So I ask my project manager what exactly i can tell him, guy just says to not show him material or code just say to him in your own words. Wow thanks very helpful. Guy not even says definitely what I can say what not just "talk to him if you trust him :) dunno but I dont care i am no snitch believe me :)". Maybe it was wrong to ask manager in the first place but i thought it will get some papertrail for me if i get reported to HR or something - that i asked at least and he answered. I believe I dont have much choice so I get on call with this team lead i say a bit about project not wanting to tell too much, I probably said too little and was not very helpful. Guy asks me who my team lead is which makes me suspicious. Whatever. Anyway teamlead created new PR and asks us to merge it. I check code it looks pretty ok for me I have few questions but I was afraid to not come as incompetent, CICD works so I approve it. Guy has 2 approves but he refuses to merge it for some reason and next day he asks us why we not merged it. In previous company always - person who created PR is the one who merged it, anyway what problem it is for him to click one button and why it can't wait? It smells fishy as fuarrrk to me like guy pushes broken code and then he forces me to merge it just to create papertrail. So I ask why he can't do it himself (maybe wrong for me to question it at all). Anyway PR get merged by other guy. Few hours later guys from different team ask me for help. I thought that teamlead broke service by choice to punish me for lack of attention (that I approve code I don't get). So I ask questions then guys get on call with me. This time they share screen. Its actually problem with their service not with our and they ask me question about some error message. It looks pretty simple to solve but not very obvious and again I feel I am getting tested. I give few suggestions, they ignore it saying they tried it and its not working. At that time it's hour or two to end of work and I am already tired from programming all day + meetings bullshit and I slept pretty badly I feel i wont take it anymore so I just say "why you guys call me? I never worked with this service and don't know cause of this problem. I would suggest just going back to latest commit that's working if you say it worked before". Then they say they will try it and call ends. I feel that was inconsiderate of me and I actually should stay on the call so maybe I would learn new thing, also that call with 2 other people felt less interogatory than previous calls this week. Anyway I was tired of this bullshit, as in previous company there was no pair programming culture and I was solving technical problems like that myself after whole day of fighting with it and asked for help only when in desperation, likely their problem was not that difficult and they had more experience than me, so their "ask for help" felt dishonest to me. After call ended I felt pretty bad and I realized why probably they called me. Fix to their problem was probably part of PR teamlead asked us to merge it and he mentioned it on previous meeting with other guys - but I was too tired to remember this. So this call was probably testing me to see if I pay attention on meetings and to PRs. So I failed again and refused to help people - 2 or 3 times. Add to it meeting where manager (same guy i asked about what info I can share) asked technical manager question like "also don't forget to help us with you know, the guy", I mean he asked in very secretive way, like he tries to hide info from someone on same call. So maybe he was talking about me - they want to drop me from the project. Or just replacement for other guy who is leaving. For the context - I am not very good programmer and I feel close to burnout - i only have some fun with programming when its about practical problem, not much patience for courses etc. I worked in few jobs and never felt I belonged I was always disliked, either not very smart or problematic and hard to work with. But now I am on nofap and I feel "on the roll", like really managed to do some good at least. Once i am high then I am low, and frequency of these fluctuations may be as often as day. Feel relatively pretty good on myself (much wiser, more competent than soykafhead I was in first job at least), so I would hate to be fired for some bullshit reason like "attitude problem" - asking one question too much basically. But if technically really I am that bad and not even aware of it, well I can take leave of few months , work on my novel etc I get some offers to my inbox. But what i would really like to know is if my concerns are valid and there is papertrail collected against me or just paranoid. And is it only senior dev task to help everyone with everything or is this my responsibility too even though i am just a loser with just 2 years of exp. Btw i am 6 months into this job.

>>62892 Who ? What ? When ? Where ?

I've lost someone dear to me and now I'm dealing with loneliness. Some days I'm okay with it, other days I feel like dying. I don't know how to cope with this lonely life that I need to live. I've heard many suggestions to deal with this but I'd love to hear your opinion lain, tell me what you think I should do.

Was thinking I wanted some thigh highs. Not sure if I should get themself and try being discreet or ask a friend and save myself the trouble of trying to explain why a dude needs cute socks if they find out.

>>62924 It's over. but more seriously i hope you get them and enjoy them lain. my ex gf had some and while i feel like the novelty wore off quick they were cute

i hate wasting time and most of my life lately feels like time passing; a relatively successful social life, casual sex, hobbies to fill time, a good enough job/career, friends and acquaintances but i feel so empty. ive been abusing drugs and alcohol and creating situations for myself i ultimately end up regretting or needing to resolve with tremendous effort. i have suffered a lot of traumatic events in the last 2 years and am really trying to get back on track and have somewhat integrated well into "normal life" after being a mostly outsider but i keep wanting to fall into despair and failure and give into self destructive behaviors and temptations. im very high on things right now trying to find ways to channel my energy/ vent my thoughts. im tired of time passing and i wish i had a way to extend moments or fast forward through things...or maybe i would like to muster the energy and drive to accomplish my true dreams and goals. im stuck on the fence of how to proceed in life and it's overwhelming me greatly. i hope this is all a passing moment in my timeline because extended periods of this will really ruin me

>>62929 thanks lain! i still need to start looking >>62920 i symphathise because i've been in the same boat a few times. but if you leave things vague we can't really help because there's no context

it is like kicking dead whales down the beach being gay when 99% of homosexual men don't really want to have any long lasting relationship, and fetishize the fact that I'm a virgin, no idiot, I'm not a virgin because I'm a shota uwu, I'm a virgin because I don't wanna end up with AIDS.

I realised today just how much caring what everyone else thinks about me has set me back. I hid in my room for the first 24 years of my life and two years later the urge still tugs hard for me to revert to that state but I'm getting better. All that time I was too anxious to get a job, didn't do anything but mindlessly exist on my computer, I'm too much of a pussy to even post anonymously anywhere usually but I've been working on it. It's so ingrained into my personality I don't know how to get rid of it, I just present this clinical, inoffensive self to everyone who I don't know well and it's not me at all. I'd give anything to be as carefree and low inhib as an average person but I think myself out of almost everything I want to or should do. Knowing where I could be if I wasn't too scared to go to class/get a job/do literally anything fills me with so much regret. I've also started dating a girl whose past is completely opposite to my divergence, which is how it became so apparent to me. She doesn't seem to mind but I feel so undercooked in comparison. Two years of expanding my comfort zone has just made me better at the activities I use to expand it, there's no crossover to anything else. If I knew how to attack the root cause I would but it's far deeper in my psyche than what I can wrestle with I think

Damn, it hurts so much seeing the girl I have crush on hang around with different dudes other than me. I am in the friendzone bad and whenever I see that it breaks my heart. I feel pathetic for not being a man , I feel bad cus I am not the playboyesque suave dude and it hurts even more when you have the potential but can't fullfill it. God I hate this side of me , I don't know what I did to deserve this.

>>62948 Did you try to ask her out? I can't hurt more to get rejected at this point

>>62949 Yup , she has rejected me a lot of times saying she doesn't wanna go out with me. Hasn't blocked me , cus I am still a good "friend" but I am not her first choice. I am backup and yet I am still talking to her , what an absolute soykaf state. god typing this made me realise I am such a c**k and pathetic loser.

>>62950 just embrace your c*ckdomness t. involuntary c*ck

I'm gonna try to start talking to a guy I used to talk to again, I feel like he just talks to me out of feeling bad for me, but what can I do.

Why is not being depressed constantly so hard to achieve? Every day when I go to uni i feel fine but after just a few short minutes i instantly feel like soykaf. I feel like my default is just depressed and happiness only comes in small short waves that never last enough. I fell like I am barely passing each day. I don't understand how people are happy all day. I have never been able to achieve that. Thank you for reading.

I have been jerking off to Girlsdoporn videos lately, and the fact that they were extorted, threatened and had their lives ruined for it turns me a lot. Production of the porn itself is merely boring to me, as I prefer more authentic amateur style recording.

>>62640 >>62646 You shouldn't concern yourselves too much over IQ. I tested my IQ a few months ago and got 105 and 114 which destroyed me mentally, people can pretend 114 is high but it is not it's just above average. I felt like a normal person. Well I tested again recently and now it's 133, cognitively I feel the same. I don't know, I wouldn't focus on it, I don't know why I cared so much. I can understand your frustration over being unable to pass classes due to your mental illness. I have been severely depressed for at least a year now. I feel like everything that enters my head in class exits soon after, and my current enrollment demands that I retain everything that enters my head. I feel like a fuarrrking retard, it is really wearing me down. I don't know what I'll do if I fail. I reentered society a few months ago after years of seclusion and I think I will never be able to function again. Being around people tends to make me feel low now. When I was alone I usually felt nothing. Being around others I see how dysfunctional I am, I won't try acting a certain way to fit in I don't care for such. It doesn't help that I am living in a foreign nation where virtually no one speaks English. I have believed for a long while that nobody really cares about other people and the problems other people have. I have experience to back it up but I wasn't ready to write off on people yet. I decided to prove it to myself recently. I tried opening up to a "friend" who showed concern for my wellbeing. I don't understand people, they show interest, and then they don't.

>>62953 Are you me? Post too short; like me

I'm stuck taking care of my family with no job or government support. Now my dissociative disorder that I've fought against so hard for so long rears its ugly head again after about 5 months of dormancy. I thought I was done. I thought I had peace but I have nothing but a deck stacked against me. I want to run away from it all. When will I finally be happy?

>>62640 Relatable. I tested an IQ of 160-something when I was a kid. I'm in my 30's now and I'm on my third year on a mathematics degree because I spent age 16 - 23/24 being an alcoholic and trying to be a junkie. It isn't that it is hard, it's just.. I lost interest. Nothing is really enjoyable. I'm not even a degenerate, so I can't blame the copium everyone else chugs down here. I'm physically fit, have more than $3K+ in disposable income per month (that I don't even really spend.), in fact I should be fine with everything as they are. But I just cannot do anything. It's not that I want to kill myself, being alive is just retarded. I can't even connect with other people 90% of the time. I just want to read books and make booze while I waste away.

>>62955 I've literally never seen someone test to have an IQ below 100 unless they were literally mentally disabled, which makes me suspect of the test as a concept because 100 is supposed to be average.

>>62959 >I've literally never seen someone test to have an IQ below 100 How many have you seen and what kind of people tend to be seen by you doing the tests?

>>62959 IQ is also only really useful to detect people with mental disabilities, so that kinda checks out. Also 160+ is extremely unlikely. I apparently scored high on an IQ test as a kid (I don't know the score I got, I don't think my parents told me) but it never mattered a damn because I didn't develop study skills until like my second year of college, and I was always pathologically shy and afraid to try until I started experimenting with psychedelics and I realized I was wasting my life out of fear.

>>62959 If you want to investigate the mundane, look at the more mundane test itself. Like, a standardized test for your country's public high schools, and see how the normal distribution there maps onto IQ.

>>62958 There's something sublime about the "pristine idiocy" of people with genuinely weapons-grade minds consigning themselves to twiddling about with insignificant academia for life. How do they do it? It must take zen master self-mastery.

>>62963 Idk about everyone else, but for me money, fame, etc. just aren't big motivators. I want to think about whatever interesting things strike my fancy and talk about them with other intelligent people. Academia is the only way to get paid to do that. Plus you get to spend all your time on a college campus surrounded by horny, scantily-clad undergrad girls.

>>62954 I think sexuality in itself is probably bad, since you're dependent on others, and that means it's likely they'll use it against you, or you'll do things that hurt them to satisfy yourself. I told myself I'd only fap this sunday without porn, but I downloaded my favorite samus rape game, and masturbated, and it was plenty pleasurable. I'm still optimistic on this one, I think if we get used to masturbating by ourselves on a reasonable schedule there will be no need for guilt or even pretending anyone gets hurt.

I feel like I'm not part of society because I have no friends and I don't feel like a normal person even though I can socialize pretty normally with my acquaintances I can never form deep connections, the only people's personalities I can connect with are my online friends who I will most likely never meet. And because of this I have this weird feeling that I must be doing something else to account for my social ineptness. I should be doing something important. If I'm not normal then at least I should be extremaly good at something else that would balance it out but I'm not. I feel incomplete.

Do I have a moral obligation to study and pass on my deceased father's scholarly works to my future children even though he left me as a child and never taught me it?

>>62983 short answer: no long answer: nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooo

>>62983 That choice is up to you

>>62956 Well i feel like making a longer post would be a waste of peoples time. I doubt people have too much time to read weird posts.

Not autistic nor have any form of social dysfunction, can get along with people pretty well and was having a nice coversation with a friend and coworker today. Despite this I've always yearned to be secluded and isolated and I have absolutely no idea why. I don't think schizoids are cool but whenever I imagine my "ideal" self it's a knowledgeable person that rarely interacts with others. Is there a certain virtue in isolation that I just can't quite articulate? Not very well read on christian scholastics (come from brown country) - but a lot of Islamic mystics like Ghazali and Avicenna considered isolation to be an integral part of character refinemet. However this greatly deviates from traditional Islamic orthodoxy that puts marriage and community in high regard

>>62983 He might not have treated you well, but he is still the reason you exist. If you don't feel like doing that at all, you wouldn't manage to do it well anyways. But if you see some value in it, why not?

>>62959 I've noticed this too... Every time I have ever seen IQ mentioned, for whatever reason, everyone mentions that they have an IQ of 130-145.

>>62959 I do usually get 97-115 from different mensa online tests such as mensa.no and Finnish mensa. I am pretty stupid, as example I can't learn algebra and vectors at all.

>>63005 II assume you can do basic arithmetic. If you can, there is no reason you should not be able to learn algebra.

>>63009 I can do algebra if my friend or a teacher is showing me how to do it but I mostly forget it by the exam. Do you think vectors are similar?

>>63017 You might have dyscalculia

I can't connect with anyone. I'm good at socializing because I can fake it like I'm interested in conversations and I think people like talking with me but it's only a shallow connection and they don't notice it. I haven't felt like I liked hanging out with someone in over 5 years and I miss that feeling, I miss genuinely talking and laughing with people in real life. I don't think I'm that unique I think I'm just born in a very weird location where I can't find people like me and it feels like everything about my life is just wrong, like it shouldn't have happened at all. Only people I enjoy talking with are my online friends and they live in another part of the world. Even my siblings are different from me and I'm forced to put up with them. Everything just... feels wrong about me like I'm forcing my existence into a system where I don't belong so I don't know how long I should keep forcing it.

it's so tiresome to have to constantly pretend like i'm not completely fuarrrked in the head

I keep letting people bully me because I'm too fuarrrking retarded to realize I'm being bullied. >hey anon you should try mewing >oh what's that >it some dumb new thing that fixes your chin and makes you look better >oh all right Took me a long while to realize he was implying I look ugly as fuarrrk. Hurts cause I hate these conversations but it's not like I can tell.

>>62688 I wish people ghost me, I fuarrrking hate most people I associate with yet they feel the need to talk to me, to text me. Just leave me alone

>>63033 i honestly thing this is the way to play youre not engaging in their expected desired behaviour but steering it in a more positive direction should be happy you didnt turn into another contrarian getting offended at everything people say and trying to start conflict.

Life feels pointless. It' seems like i was born just to be a wageslave. Even tough i KNOW i earn way more than most people, even tough i am modest with my spending it seems like all of my dreams are way to far away, my obligations right at the door. And by the time i have enough do do what i want i will be too old, and have other plans/responsibilities. I just want to stop. But if i stop i wont have anywhere to sleep and nothing to eat.

I can't help but feel like despite a capacity to recognize my mistakes in retrospect I may not have the capacity to actually grow from them. I say this because the ones that stick out to me most are all same soykaf different day. For some people the easy thing would be to just step out again and get that one step further. Though the way I see it I've already proven myself that I may not get that much further, or at least immediately. Some way or another I always end up being a shortsighted prick that does as much to lean into self destructive bs as I do to fuarrrk with other people who depend on me or at least had reason to expect better of me. I'm just so tired of myself. I want to sit in my room and do nothing but rot, yet that's not really an option is it? All I know is right now is I have just as much faith in myself as the people that had to put up with my worst. Then at that point I have to wonder what the point to try anything is. I'm aware that's a defeatist mindset, but unless I can prove to myself I can be better than I'd rather keep my head low than put myself out there or get involved with people who'll later look back on me being a detestable glitterboy.

I have officially given up on women and getting love. It is not in me to get love. I am creep , I don't understand women and I don't think I ever will , might be the karma of my past hitting on me but I think I should officially give up on dating ,women all together. Most probably will get arrange married to a woman I don't love , will produce sons daughter I don't care about and die doing some soykafty job in software engineering. I have height ( i am 6'3) and I am decent looking but that is not enough , I think it hurts even more when you have potential and you can't fullfill it. Looks like I will cry and that's it.

>>63054 > when you have potential and you can't fullfill it Then you don't have potential.

>anon you need to eat healthier >t. my mom who cooks She really opened my eyes on something. I keep telling her her small ass meals aren't fulfilling, she gives it to me, I'm lazy and so I eat soykaf like cake or cereal. Not only because I have a sweet tooth, but because there's literally nothing else besides eggs to eat. Once again, I got to approach this problem without familial support. I swear they are so fuarrrking useless, can't even cook an actual meal. But they will make time to force me to move my room or call me a loser, no problem

>>63060 You are the Lain who wrote the NEET zine I presume.

>>63054 Good and Bad are just ways we subjectively sort the world into what is useful/not useful to us. Creep is how women say 'this guy is a potential threat', possibly because you've got nothing to offer them, while wanting what they have (IE sexually aggressive ugly guys). Creepyness is therefore a product of your circumstance rather than a fundimental trait you posess. Given that people can love objects, I think it's a bit silly to say you can't receive love. Has a pet or your mom/dad ever shown you love? Often you can get love from these easily, particularly with pets, whose needs can be met with food, shelter, and positive attention. I love (my imagining of) you (a teensy bit) lainon <3

I feel bad for asking to leave my country for a place more accepting of my kind, due to the many things my country provide. free healthcare and free education up to P.h.D but i just want to feel safe with people i dont feel like would no longer think of me the same way had they knew what i am. Every single friendship i had in real life (except those that i met through discord) have told me how much they would like to kill gay people. They would share that info without me asking for it. Some friendship had the duration of only 3 months, and it was soon enough for me to hear their "take" on how gay people should be murdered. I cope with it but i just don't want to anymore.

I think looking back at everything and looking at my present im in a pretty good point of my life, got a better job which is not my passion but neither unberable soykaf i did before, have more time to spend with patner. Also realizing im autistic and not trying to force myself to change my need for routines or go into situations i know may be overwhelming for me without a lot of preparation has done wonders. Yet i still feel a bit unfulfilled, I like my current job but its far from my ideal work I just wanna scape working 9 hours a week in some company and work at home and/or work in some of my special interests. Ive revived my interest in drawing but mostly cause i need to express myself in some way rather than because I expect to profit of it and I know im not very good artist I just do it for expression sake. I know programming and have periods when im very into it and then periods in which i lose interest. Im also into philosophy and decided to try sending something I wrote in hopes of publishing but no response yet. I hope my options dont run out just need motivation to keep trying (pic related sth I drew recently)

I hate working I fuarrrking hate having to spend 8+ hours a day doing something I can't care about. I bitched in another thread about how often we get visitors and feel like some kind of show (despite having a technical job) Now the boss man tells me that a bunch of TV people are coming tomorrow and I need to do an interview and demonstration for them, despite everything already being on a tight fuarrrking schedule. I just want time to sit at home and fuarrrking draw, that's all I want out of life why does this soykaf have to be so hard.

Hi lain, today I went to the supermaket to ask the cashier out but she closed her cashier desk a couple minutes before I finished my shopping. fuarrrk, I had already prepared a piece of paper with my phone number, why was I so slow shopping?

>>63056 oof that hit hard. bodytooshort.

I don't know if I'm just being a selfish asshole but I'm getting real tired of being this sort of invisible person in a group where no one seems to acknowledge me all that much. It's been pissing me off especially when there's some kind of outing planned and I have to force myself in on many occasions. I don't feel like anyone hates me from what I can tell but it greatly pisses me off to see this happen repeatedly. At the same time, a part of me thinks that I'm looking into this too hard and that they may not be doing it actively.

My harmatia is commitment. Brain move too quick and I don't know how to turn off the faucet of thought. I want to educate myself, but GOTO 0; Spread wafer-thin, I overload myself with projects and ideas. Nothing is completed except on rare occasions, in such occasions the joy is completely stripped out by the burden. I have learned nothing since my departure of the public schooling system (of which I barely scraped a pass). The guilt of past transgressions claws at my throat. >pic unrelated

This is not a vent as much as asking for advice. I think I gave up on life. I never had much pleasure or joy in my life. It's always either numbness or suffering. Dealing with pointless bullshit and I just can't do it anymore. Yet I don't want to blow my head off for various reasons. Is there something I can ask for help? I don't think I want anything anymore besides a room where I can be in peace. I can live off dry bread and water for all I care. I don't know. I guess I want peace. Is there someplace where that's easy to find? Maybe I could be of some small use volunteering somewhere. So long I just have a roof over my head and peace most of the time. Is there some job that isn't a death wish or amounts to swimming in soykaf where you can get enough money to live somewhere alone from most people? By now I think I just want to sit in a room without stress and just sleep. It's still miserable but at least it's not stressful

>>63102 Church, head shrinker, a mens social group.

reading everyone's vents here is somewhat comforting in the sense that even in our loneliness, we are not so alone in how we feel about our experiences. i feel so crushingly lonely all the time, even when i'm surrounded by people. i have good communication skills when i'm comfortable, i can mantain a conversation or even contribute to it, but i just feel like i'm always by myself regardless. i have a lot of childhood trauma and abuse that has piled up over the years, not to mention i'm not neurotypical, and now i just push everyone away from me in fear that they all see me as a retard or something of the sort. it's tiring

>>63102 You could apply to live in a monastery somewhere perhaps.

>>63102 > I don't think I want anything anymore besides a room where I can be in peace. I can live off dry bread and water for all I care. Prison to be honest.

>>62959 All IQ tests are flawed. Even the Mensa tests which are considered to be the most accurate ones are notoriously flawed. IQ tests should be taken with a huge grain of salt. Even the very concept of overall intelligence itself is flawed, since people are usually talented only in very specific areas of their cognitive abilities.

>>63005 last time I did one it gave a score of 116, I don't struggle with math that much, but I am pretty mentally unstable, tranny thoughts + identity crisis, I guess that in the bright side of it, I'm self aware, so I can choose to try to find "why" I am mentally stable, whilst most people with these thoughts just go full tranny mode and completely throw any chance of a succesful life out of the window. I also have anorexia, so, that checks out with the mental instability.

>>63112 The closest comparison to IQ is a benchmark score for hardware specs. Will it perfectly predict how good the pc is for everything possible use? nope but it generally works as an indicator for common tasks. The other side of this comparison is software quality > hardware specs. Improving how you think has a greater impact than your basic specs. There was a study on how success is not how smart you are but basic behaviour patterns that are different between rich/poor parents that get ingrained into their kids and remain unchanged which handicaps the poor.

>>63110 Lain said "in peace" though. Also they make you share a cell. Flood detected BS again. Is this a bug or a feature?

>>63061 No. I just hate how the systems in place in my house basically pushed me to be a fat fuarrrk. I understand that it's my fault, but how everything was setup in the household, it was rigged against me, and I'm frustrated that I realize that my problem of obesity I have to solve on my own, because my family would be useless.

>>63143 >in peace then he should go to a European prison

>>62629 I spend all of my time outside of uni alone, and it's been this way for years. Recently I reached out to a classmate to hang out, and we did. We have shared interests and had some decent conversations, but at one point he said "black people are oppressed". I don't want to hang out with him anymore, I'm so sick of playing along with this lie. I guess I won't have a social life.

More broke than Ive been in a long time, this after feeling like I was going to be ok at the start if the year. Had to leave the house today because landlord wants to sell it and people are being shown round. Been thinking about how I havnt seen her in a year and remember that itll never be. Deleted a dating app. Seeing family at weekend should be good but dont want to go to mother's house cause Im sick of her bullshit. Feeling more isolated and frustrated. Starting to dislike people and humanity in general more.

>>63108 This might help. The pushing away reminds me of this video I saw earlier https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIYqcX-7oCI&t=531s

I'm starting to think I've never had real friends before. In real life I've only ever talked to coworkers and peers and it's only ever really superficial. I've only played games with them at company happy hours and I think it's been more than a decade since I've last been invited to go somewhere for fun (like a bar or party or something) that wasn't related to university or work. online it's even worse. I only ever talk with people online because I'm so lonely but the few contacts I'm active with almost never hit me up first and give me incredibly canned responses to anything I say. I've had days where the only thing I've heard from other human beings is "k", "lol", "idk", "nah"

Why I crave alcohol constantly despite not drinking much? This week I had 3 0.33l 4.3% beers on Monday, half bottle of 0.75l 12.5% red wine at Tuesday, two 0.5l 4.7L beer pints, 4cl of vodka and one long island ice tea, at Wednesday I had rest of the wine bottle. Today, as Thursday I am not drinking at all because I don't have any liquor at home and have work tomorrow. I don't think I drink much, my friends talk about drinking 10 small beers while playing vidya at Monday night. At bars with my friends/classmates I am usually most sober besides a driver as I don't usually have more than one or two beers a hour.

https://yewtu.be/watch?v=ARu_XbUg8bo I fuarrrking hate this soykaf about so much music, where it's genuinely impossible to understand what the singer is talking about unless you look it up, but it sounds like he has a point. >hmm what is this song actually about? >um cassius is doing something dumb, there's a lighthouse, and he's second best. >look it up >it's alluding to Mohammad Ali and Cassius. How the hell could a layman get this? Unless you read Shakespearean's play and/or read up on Roman history, you wouldn't know whose Cassius, and the lighthouse line could be referring to Muhammad Ali trying to become a boxer. So I'm forced to go look up what it means. >inb4 "just interpret yourself" There's a lighthouse, Cassius messed up and he's second best. If I purely look at the song based on the song alone, it's just flowery language to describe someone. Not only that, even if I did know about Mohammad and Cassius beforehand, I wouldn't make the connection. Mohammad Ali WAS a champion and he was second place in ESPN's most famous boxer. Which yea, that's makes him not the first best, but it's still a momentous accolade (not to mention how much cultural power he had), so he was a success. Cassius meanwhile kills himself, lead the failing side of a civil war and is shown to be a traitor. What did Mohammad did besides losing (which, as a boxer, no soykaf that's gonna happen, especially as you get older), and tried out painting (oh yea, the light house was referring to him painting. WOWWWWWW, make fun of a dude trying new things. Oh no Stephan King made a poem that wasn't that good, let's use it to make fun of him and call him a loser.) Even poetry I read in high school wasn't this allusion heavy. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken, >guy sees two roads >goes on the less traveled one cause it was nicer >ends up making that road worn out >reflects that it didn't really made a difference: the only difference is he traveled a less traveled road >this is to mean that after you make a decision, you got to walk down it, and you can't go back on it (alluded by the " I doubted if I should ever come back." part) Even if I'm completely wrong and misunderstood the poem, at least I walked away with an interpretation that isn't surface level like I have with this song.

>>63169 I can't tell if you're trolling or not. The Robert Frost poem is about his career choice to become a writer rather than living a more predictable and secure life as something else less interesting.

>>63170 I'm not trolling, and you missed the point. Even if I'm wrong and misunderstood the poem, I walked away with an interpretation that isn't surface level. I walked away with something. Even if Robert Frost dies and I could never have read his biography or any sites explaining what the poem means, I at least understand it, in my own way. I cannot say the same for Cassius, which is why I'm upset.

>>63170 I thought the point was that it didn't matter, as in we fill the choices we take with meaning through hindsight because we hope that what we've done is special instead of resigning ourselves to the mostly mundane choices that compose life.

>No motivation to do school work, haven't completed assignments in most of my classes >No motivation to work, havent came in for the last 4 day >No motivation to save money, spend most on fast food >Base desires are the only thing fueling any form of passion Entering a downward spiral and I don't see a way to get out. I've missed two exams in my calc class, one will get dropped but I doubt the other will. Missed like 4 quizzes and only two will get dropped. I'm 4 weeks behind in my discrete structures class however is asynchronous and I haven't done soykaf in my C++ nor Communications class. I'm supposed to be saving up $200 dollars for my car insurance and several hundered I owe my dad. If I get below a 3.0 GPA I'll lose my scholarship and start paying for tuition. Despite all this I feel a very empty and hollow feeling inside and just don't give a soykaf. What the fuarrrk do I do to turn my life around in the next 8 weeks if its even salvagable

>>63192 Follow these steps: >Go to university therapist >iwannafuckingdoit.jpeg >speak to coordinator >saved your scholarship >drop acid to deal with the underlying problems and gain motivation for the next weeks

Can someone explain this phenomena, where people are just so predatory/toxic when they see weakness/someone being different? Cause man I cannot take it anymore. Take for example, how I revealed my power level and tell people I go to 4chan, and everyone uses it as a punching bag to make fun of me. Yesterday, after an hour of helping this colleague study for an exam (in which he admits I was a big help), he embarrass me in front of my friend by saying "aren't you on 4chan, instead of working?" Not to mention this one friend that keeps sexually harassing me, but I don't know how to get him to stop. Etc etc. I never was bullied in high school/middle school, but now in college years I'm getting bullied. And it's always fuarrrking nerds. It's always some limp dick incel/pussy loser doing this. And I don't get what I do to deserve it other than being so chilled/friendly, that I don't even realize people are bullying me. Looking back on the countless times I helped my friends, I think of myself as like Onizuka: I put money in my mouth, gave rides, etc. Even the glitterboys at that discord who were bullying me, I boosted it. I'm generally a positive force, hell even at my expense at times And they treat me like garbage. It's like I'm disabled man. I don't know how to stand up for myself cause I don't know when something is just general banter and people being a prick. I just realize that man, I hate being a nerd. I used to weight lift/do martial arts, and only ONE dude was this toxic to me, and he was an asshole. I think I need new friends man. I got invited to a DND campaign, and I said yes. The guy who did it was the one who grabbed my balls, and I was too sheepish to do anything about it. Maybe I'm too much of a bitch to get him to stop, but after this session I don't wanna talk to him anymore. I wished I can pick up on these fuarrrking signs. Because it's just a descent of disrespect. You never expect this sort of soykaf because you expect the best in people. Than you became just a dumb jester to your friend groups. I barely involve myself with four friend groups, two of which I fuarrrking made myself. I just want to be with someone who I can say "yea, I failed lol" and not have that moment of weakness be used to make fun of me for years to come.

>>63210 With banter you're supposed to retort it. If you just take it silently you fail in social context. As for losers talking soykaf - its how they try to raise their own social status and thats why its essential to put them in place. Lastly paying for disc boost doesn't get you respect, it gets you lol he paid for that soykaf.

>>63210 I think it's a monkey instinct evolutionary thing - ostracize those members of the tribe who have soykafty habits or lack certain advantageous qualities of character so they don't bring the whole tribe down with their weakness. As for your 21st century problem, just don't fuarrrking associate with those people, and what >>63211 said. Don't just LET THEM talk soykaf, either, and don't fuarrrking buy soykaf for people who are fuarrrking with you, that's stockholm syndrome bullshit. Better no company than soykaf company. PS. Don't reveal your power level around normal users you dumbass.

>>63213 >normal users ohohohoh that's a funny language enhancer.

>>63210 I think a big part of it is that your colleagues see other people pick on you that are higher in the social hierarchy and they see picking on you as an easy way to score social points.

>>63210 You are not really valued in your group. Something about you probably irritates them and you'll get disrespected on. I don't believe for a second that there is something inherent in humans to start bullying someone for their fair yet docile nature. It merely eases the task. In any case those people are dipshits and you should find better friends.

>>63210 real life is not anime. >Even the glitterboys at that discord who were bullying me, I boosted it. >they treat me like garbage. >The guy ... grabbed my balls, They think of you as weak because you are being weak, plain and simple. If you are an easy mark, then of course people will abuse you. It's not even about the particular people you are dealing with, because ALL living things will do this to you in one way or another. Some living things can be a net positive of course, but even then, undesirable behavior must be punished, not rewarded with rides and discord boosts. If you gain nothing from the relationship and are constantly losing from it, cut it off entirely.

It's suffocating how much we're expected to keep a lid on things. Especially with us men where I'm from. So many guys carrying all these deep-seated issues and they're just meant to "keep it in". Of course, I'm one of them. I've wanted to blow my brains out my skull for almost a decade, not sure -exactly- why, it just seems to be how I am. I can't really talk about it with anyone though because what good would it even do? I was talking to my older sister recently and it kinda shocked when she said I was >The most normal among us [siblings] Like, in what reality is that true? This was coming from someone who goes out multiple times a week with multiple friend groups. I know it's impossible for me to know what her true feelings are, but I just didn't agree to horrible degree. And here I'm talking about the person I'm closest to. It made me wonder, how would they feel if I ever went through with it? If they ever got news back that I did it? Would they figure something out about me that even I wouldn't know. I'm horrible for even thinking that, I love my family they've been amazing to me. I'm just a fuarrrk up. It's seriously frustrating. It's like my mouth is stitched shut and the only way my brain can figure to express my inner feelings is by painting the walls with them.

>>63152 Hey lainanon, not sure you'll answer this but I hope you're doing better, how are things with you?

>>63211 >>63213 >>63216 >>63217 >>63218 I hate when I mass reply to people who said things in depth, I'll respond to each of your posts individually later on in this post, but I just wanna say that I think I'm no good at this soykaf. I have the ability to study for tests to get an A in a week, get into F*GMAN, fat to /fit/, but I think the challenge of socializing/fitting in, I give up. I feel like I could find a way to fit in, but that involves just creating a mask, disorienting myself, etc etc. My brother keeps calling me an autistic, and saying soykaf like "how can we cure you of autism" and "you're so autistic", etc etc. They created two code words to call me an autistic, "U" and "adjusting my glasses". Originally it was a joke, but now he's just being down right nasty, one example that got to me was when I brought my guitar up to sing my mom a song. He called me a giant autistic, cause apparently singing to my mom is autistic. Well we got the news that my uncle shot another man. Mom's worried to death about what's gonna happened to him, my father, the bail, the money, etc etc. I comforted her, massage her, tell it "don't think about it, just focus on breathing". She's already stressed as fuarrrk and my brother knows this. He says soykaf like >remember that lecture from the Church? Say thank god, not oh no, with challenges >what kind of gun was it? >we're all gonna die >YOU WEREN'T THAT CLOSE WITH HIM Shit like that. I kept giving him a look of shut the fuarrrk up but he didn't get it. I just couldn't take it, cause I was going to sucker punch this fuarrrking brat in the face for saying soykaf like this. I'm just shaken to my core man. People are such hypocrites, and it just seems like everyone is slimy bastard, who at best want to beat you up emotionally, at worse want to use you and spit you out. And this brother is saying this soykaf as a 12 year old. 12 year old. People always say kids are innocent and sweet and a 12 year old is somehow incapable of just letting his mom be comforted. It's kinda unrelated to what I posted (I apologize) but it just made me hate talking to people. I just hate it. These are my peers, my coworkers, etc etc. In a class group chat for a class I went and helped the whole class study for an exam, and a colleague I knew: in another class group chat nobody would just send their notes to me, and the colleague is saying to everyone loudly that "lainanon was on 4chan, not working!". I was even willing to spot that dude money for a snack, than he betrays me like that. I just give up man. I don't think I can develop friendships. Sure I can get buddies, but when I think of friendships I think of being able to be vulnerable. I told my brother I'm autistic, and for years they made fun of me for it. Showed my power level and I just keep getting mocked at. If I tell people my flaws, my frustrations, etc etc, I end up losing. I gotta be a strong, stoic, silent type: maybe then nobody would hurt me. Even my own family, I lost my faith in. Everyone says they want their waifu in real life, I just want someone to be a friend like Onizuka, or Takamura: someone I know will have my back for me, that I can trust 100%. I can't even trust my mom or dad 100%, that's why I'm saying this on an altchan. >>63211 >>63213 I don't think I'm good at banter, and I should stop it. Mom tells me I shouldn't hang around people like that, and now I'm thinking she's right. I just don't have the social skills for it, and end up being called a glitterboy retard. I should also stop trying to hang out with people I don't like, cause now I'm at a sunk cost ship. I should have dipped when I could. >>63216 >>63217 Makes sense, cause I'm a bit of a lolcow. I'm a schizoid autistic loudmouth, and I don't hide my power level and soykaf. I look like a retarded incel, but if someone ever needs help I'll be that guy to do so. I set my friend up for an exam, other friend for DAW soykaf, explained this random dude whose a friend of a friend how to setup his resume. That's why I said I feel like Onizuka: we look like pervert punks but we are good people deep down. I may have fuarrrked up big time in my life for some things, but I never betrayed my word, went back on a friend, etc. >>63218 Yea. I've been putting off finding a job, but now I'm three times as motivated. I want a job so I can move out, delete all social media/all my contacts, get a new number, and start my friend group from scratch. I'll remold myself into someone I want to be, not this adorable punching bag everyone likes to pick on. 10 years, and I can say without certain I never had a best friend. Had a date even, before I had someone I really can call a friend. At least I'm not fat anymore

Just found out I really like being submissive in bed. I think my gf also likes being dominant. I guess switch mode has been unlocked in both of us :)

>>63226 You sound like a good guy, lain. I'd be happy to have a friend like you.

>>63226 >And this brother is saying this soykaf as a 12 year old. 12 year old. Yelling 'autistic' and saying inconsiderate stuff does not seem that out of place for a twelve year old but then again I haven't met any. Anyways you sound like a capable bloke and I wish you the best on your journey

I like long compile times. I don't care that it's inconvenient for productivity. In fact, that's why I like it. I'm lazy and having extra breaks in my work day because code is compiling is nice. Obviously, it's different for personal projects or projects you're actually passionate for, but for work that you're just doing to get paid, it's great.

My life was a horror movie for years and now it's really over, none of it matters or has any impact on my daily life. I have a normal job, a normal apartment, and normal problems, in a major city very far away. But nothing I do feels important or fulfilling if it's not a threat to my health. I'm not even depressed, I just can't get excited unless the world is about to end. And all of the PTSD resources online are about making sense of the disaster, not about figuring out how to give a fuarrrk about normal things again afterward. How do I find meaning in things that aren't impending doom? I am not religious or interested in becoming religious.

Anyone else just feel undesirable? I'm decently capable, socially. Not bad looking (but not good either). Clean, groom, exercise, etc. I just kinda never felt "wanted" or desired by someone, at best people didn't mind if I was around

>>63338 Same here. I study in a university, have a side job, dress well, have friends, go to a gym, smell well, groom my face, etc but I am still unwanted. I never had a romantic relationship, let alone had sex. My friends rather tolerate me, than actually want to be around me. Great difference is that I have an ugly face and autism.

>>63338 My father is getting really vocal about his disappointment in my loner ways. Keeps saying how he wishes he had been more strict when raising, as if that would have completely changed my personality. For the past year or so he continuously moans about how I choose to live in my own apartment and not in the university's overpriced dorms. As for friends, I have two since elementary school, of which I haven't managed to contact one in a few months.

Bitch ass boss didn't have the decency to meet with me face to face to fire me. I came in and was told by a coworker to clear out my stuff and drop off my keyfob. What a cunt.

i feel like my whole youth I didnt think id ever be normal. my mom supposedly wasnt normal, but she actually just kind of had a horror house family who I grew up with to but by the time me and my older cousin were around they all had calmed down. But the idea that my mom and me, "our unit" i guess, was sort of weird and a punching bag was still there. In highschool I didnt expect to live after 18 and once I did my goal was just to be someone who wasnt alone. Someone who could make friends and support people and be liked. Now im 25 and thats kind of done I guess, I guess im good. And I havent really done anything for almost 2 years now it feels like and I guess its cause understanding people seemed like my goal, thats what I devoted my time to. I was thinking what have I even done and was realizing I guess thats it. It would seem unreal to me just 4 years ago id have friends or a stable partner and that to be blunt especially pretty "normal" people would be interested in me. All I can think about often is the one or two people who dont want to hang out with me as much as id want to and I still will tell people "I dont really have friends". Most of my time is certainly still spent alone but part of that is definitely me not reaching out cause I think I dont have friends for some reason still. Another part is im really not sure how much time I need to spend alone. But maybe its time to move on or focus on other things, maybe I can assume at this point i know how to make friends, that I wont be abandoned or rejected if im not trying a hundred percent at just people all the time. Maybe I can say ive done it to my satisfaction and that its integrated. And I can start thinking about building something.

Am I supposed to enjoy these corporate "outings"? Who the fuarrrk does? It's supposed to be a shortened day but it feels like it's about 5x longer cause we're just going from meeting to walk-around to meeting. I'd rather have just went to work and done my usual tasks.

I fuarrked everything up real bad on September. That's when the contract for the place I was renting expired and instead of getting a new place or the second job I needed to pay for it (I dropped out of university and can't use government money anymore) I just fuarrrked around, played war thunder all day and waisted all my money on fast food and cigarettes - not even something interesting like a new video game, just fuarrrking McDonalds! Now I'm fuarrrked, I've managed to get a second job and keep my first and I'm on track to moving in to a new place but I'm homeless and scared. In general things are looking good, but I swear I won't survive another week of sleeping in a park. And it's October now. It's only getting colder and rainier, there are more and more days where I can't even sleep at night because it starts raining half way through and all my stuff get's soaked. I'm just so tired.

fuarrrk people. fuarrrk humanity, fuarrrk life, fuarrrk this earth and fuarrrk this gayass soykaf asshole god who created all this fuarrrkery! I cant fuarrrking take this soykaf anymore, im so trough. Humans are a degenrate bunch of thoughtless parasitic trash that only eat, soykaf, fuarrrk, sleep and run their fuarrrking mouths. Im so glad the war broke out, i hope it turns nuclear and this place gets burned down, or im gonna burn it down myself. I hope humans get to lose everything and watch on as everyone slowly dies, im gonna laugh when their children die. From now on i will do everything i can to soykaf on peoples lifes, no more tollerance for anyone, everyone is guilty. Everything that seems to turn life around turned out to be huge dissapointments, im not gonna try getting anything out of this soykaf life cuz all there is out there is soykaf. Its all fuarrrked to soykaf, theres no point in fixing anything or doing anything other than pouring in more gasoline so nothing escapes the fire. Everyone who says life is beautiful and nice deserves a axe to the face, this is a meaningless soykaf life where you are left to suffer and some asshoes tell you to be appreciative of this, fuarrrk em all. Humans love this filth in which they live so much, let em have it, starve em freeze, vax those assholes all to death and soykaf on the corpses piss on the graves. Those assholes should all be exposed and punished, but there is no justice or truth ever to be found in this place, all it can be is a hive of parasitic theft and deceit, atleast as long as humans are alive. Im probably gonna kill myself, but not before i do some damage and fuarrrking let it known why for good.

>>63434 Although I don't know your reasons for saying all this I agree that the world is soykaf and meaningless, not even because of our material situation but because of the nature of reality. But instead of wanting to hurt others to satisfy myself, I favour escapism and delusions. I'm not saying it's better but it kinda works for me. I can always tell myself that nothing matters and reality is an illusion, then go back to dreaming or reading a soykaf manga to pass the time. But all of this would not be able to work if I didn't have a deeply rooted identity and an inner universe to give me comfort. So I guess I'm lucky and you're not?

>join the local climbing club to try to exit my eremitic cave and maybe do something about my KHHV status >soykaf is very fun and I can brag silently about my massive strength >not very pretty but cute, geeky and natural girl is also here, even shorter than the manlet I am >no wedding ring, check >decide to go to the beginning-of-the-year aperitif, something I've never done in my whole life (never went to a bar or party as an adult, and a teetotaller) >small talk goes well >she's almost perfect for me and a Ph. D in agronomy engineering or something, currently working in data science using Python (I'm a C/C++/Lisp/sh/etc... programmer) >she mentions her boyfriend >try to end the discussion smoothly and say I got to go Why do my treacherous heart continues to give me hope? Please leave me dead inside. At least, I'm numbed enough to heart pain for it to be "okay". >>63435 >I favour escapism and delusions Works longer and with more stability, but hatred quiets pain way harder.

>>63450 there are always prostitutes if you need a quick fix I think it's worth a shot for most guys, even if you have some kind of reservations about it because you say "it isn't troo love" or whatever. For me at least, it made the idea of romantic love as its own thing seem quite silly.

>>63451 I said "heart pain", though. And I'm the kind of retarded romantic you're describing.

>>63452 all i'm saying is that once I saw a few hookers, I never had any thoughts about romance again. You could alternatively try to pay for a cuddling service and see if that helps.

>>63453 I want to believe I'm "different", and that my search for romance is more than me misinterpreting my body's libido distress signals. Maybe my brain is completely fuarrrked beyond belief by fiction like pic related. Maybe I'll have to wait for the complete death of my hope before going to the whores. Since I'm talking to an "expert", how do you even forget that there's no love and probably not even bodily attraction from the whore/cuddlewhore? Do you have to make a conscious effort?

>>63454 You very well might be different, I'm not you so I can't say. >Since I'm talking to an "expert", how do you even forget that there's no love and probably not even bodily attraction from the whore/cuddlewhore? glad to finally be recognized as a prostitute expert, lol Personally, when I see a hooker, any rational thought shuts down completely. I really just see the girl, how nice she looks, how she smells, and as long as she isn't acting blatantly repulsed, I can get into the flow of things and enjoy it. I would think that is natural for most people, just seeing a nice lady like that and indulging in everything she makes you feel. So I don't think it is so much that I intentionally try to forget that the desire isn't mutual, but that I get so occupied that I don't have time to remember.

>>63454 I'm not a virgin and I've never fallen in love. I believe sex is probably necessary for love (unsure from lack of experience but it's what I've heard) but I know love (or frienship!) is necessary for good sex. I've never been to the whores though and I feel like the cons aren't really the lack of love but simply the idea of being a patron to such a bad business (just my opinion). Also important to note that I don't even desire sex anymore though I'm only 21. I masturbate and have fantasies but I know actual sex isn't great if the partner isn't perfect. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm like you (although I harbor no hopes of finding a partner anymore) and that sex isn't really worth the effort to get it, at least not if your partner doesn't understand you. (sorry for the soykaf reasoning, just trying to dump useful info)

>>63458 I see. I think that this kind of sex is simply a completely different act from what I'm seeking, which would be traditionally called "making love", I guess. >>63460 >I believe sex is probably necessary for love I doubt it, but statistically speaking (be it the rarity of the match or the rarity of people who can actually feel "love" as I describe it), you're right. >Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm like you Please don't. You can't imagine the pain libido gives you when you're 2 years away from becoming a wizard. >sex isn't really worth the effort to get it, at least not if your partner doesn't understand you More-or-less in line with what I'm thinking, though I think it's more complex than mere "understanding".

Am I overly obsessed with races? I've been starting to notice a pattern, which is that whenever I look at someone, it doesn't matter if they are explaining math, language learning, talking about their lives, or whatever else, I tend to completely subcounsciously ignore them and start to think about their race and wondering if they are of german origin or chinese origin, maybe they are irananian, and so on and so forth, just to end up coming back to the present and think "hey what the hell I am supposed to pay attention to this person, how did this even happen?"

>>63460 >I masturbate and have fantasies but I know actual sex isn't great if the partner isn't perfect. I find that sex with a highly imperfect partner can be better than masturbating, actually. The important thing for me is that the act is loving.

I'm beginning to get irritated at how little time I have to actually relax, most of that being my fault because I feel an obligation to do something whether it be trying to achieve some trivial goal, consume some sort of media that I have backlogged or be social with friends. I wish I could just freeze time and just linger around without having to feel obligated to do something but also not waste time.

>>63467 No, non-Whites already view the world chiefly in terms of race/ethnicity. It's just White people who insist on not doing that.

>>63488 yes but at least some of the smarter ones can listen to conversations and participate. If >>63467 can't do that he's becomming subhuman by vice of obsession. Reasonable to think about others' origins, unreasonable to let that get in the way of your life. NEXT PLEASE.

>>63460 >>63465 >>63458 Isn't sex "making love"? Without the other partner's feelings for you what is left? No more than masturbation. The other person is going through the motions not for the act itself but something else. This is the case for both parties in paid sex. Both parties are merely acting the part. It's a husk of the original act that brought the meaning to it in the first place.

Sometimes I'll seek out dirty doujin or other images featuring a shota with an older woman, and when looking I like to project myself onto the boy. Especially if the other woman is either very caring or a tease. I know that what I do is disgusting but that unconditional (though often platonic) love you experience when young and the relative purity of how I used to view the world create this comfort I don't have anymore. And the shota stuff I like to look through gives me a way to relive that. Maybe I'm just projecting happiness onto the past because I'm uncertain about my future, and unhappy with where I'm at now, though I don't know where else I could bring up something like this. >Where did this start? Short version is I used to do ERP online and this older woman liked to do stuff with underage characters sometimes. I was enamored abd young so I never questioned her.

>>63499 >Without the other partner's feelings for you what is left? The novelty of doing something with another person, and the physical comfort and release of various hormones that comes from copulation.

>>63085 Well I did it, today I want back to the supermarket and gave her my number saying that I would like to know her and to call me if she wants. She said she would think about it, but still I am very happy with myself, regardless of the outcome.

>>63499 I never feel like it is a husk when I see a hooker, but then again, I've never had what you would call the "real" thing. It is as I said though, for me, I don't believe I could view sex as being more than masturbation in any way, because I can't imagine sex outside the context of primal lust. I just wouldn't have that desire to pursue a woman at all unless I was horny and needed to "scratch that itch". More evolved feelings are never really a factor.

today i read itsusora for four hours. i'm reading futami's route right now. i'm enjoying it, but the fact the game uses useless grammar is obnoxious. i wonder if i'll be able to look back well on it when i'm done. was there any point in taking his recommendation. i watched five episodes of aikatsu. i wanted to cry when watching madoka's eps. that honest emotion makes me feel really close and good. rin is someone i hope i can be more like. i want to be able to dance well without being embarrassed, and have confidence in front of others. even if it's just being able to be in the same room as someone else besides my family. i went outside and did some stretches, jumping jacks, and squats. it's been a while since i last went outside. it's a foreign kinda feeling. the world feels off. the air has smelled really good lately. the clouds feel like i can touch them. i did some situps and planks in the living room. the fabric from the carpet is still stuck to my pajamas. my family is away for the weekend, so i've been able to be naked around the house once i finished showering. i also went to the store today. i didn't feel good or confident when i was there. i wonder if i hallucinated the remark i heard that guy say when i passed by him. it shouldn't matter though. i feel really confident when i'm naked, but maybe i just don't feel confident when i'm wearing my old clothes. i shaved my body and have been dancing, singing, screaming. i wonder if papa installed a new camera or microphone inside the house to spy on me. i'm grateful to be able to live with my family because wageslavery is much much worse. i'm okay with being shamed i think. i went on lainchan for the first time in maybe five years. it's easing to see my old posts in some of the really slow threads. i'm happy that i was able to work for a while, even if it was short lived. i miss my managers. i'm happy i'm more proud of my art, even though it has a way to go. i wonder if i'll regret switching to more digital art than on paper. am i losing myself. i'm glad that i know japanese now. even though i spent the past two years in hateful and rude communities, it's a gift that i wouldn't trade for anything. i'm desperate to get better, so i don't mind trading off things like pride. i wish i didn't destroy my friendships that have been since middle school for petty reasons. i should just message them right now. i'm sure they'd respond. even telling me to fuarrrk myself would feel good i think. maybe it would be bad. i don't want my mind to be clouded. i won't be able to focus on reading tomorrow. maybe i won't be able to focus on anything. maybe i'll be destroyed. maybe it'll be fine. maybe i'll never do anything. i spent a few hours listening to worthless youtubers that gave me nothing. i would have been better off masturbating or coloring on the walls. tomorrow i want to read itsusora for ten hours. i want to drink a mountain dew code red for breakfast with a sandwich. in five years i want to have a job that makes me happy. i want to be really good at art. i want to have friends that i'm happy and comfortable to be around. i hope that my family relationship is healthy. i want to feel good in my body. i want to have clothes that i feel really good about. i hope that i'm going outside regularly and breathing the outdoor air. i hope i'm still drawing. i hope i don't feel stuck. i hope my posture is good. i hope i didn't make too many mental breakdowns. i hope i'm not in prison or dead. today i had a good dream, and i hope i had a good dream then too. i don't know what else to write. did we meet yet. did i express my feelings well. i hope that i didn't neglect you or forget your birthday again. i hope that everyone is okay. i rubbed my dog's belly today and fed her plenty of food. i cleaned my room the other day for the first time in a few months. confidence is a real drug, huh. i'm gonna listen to some music i think then go to bed soon. maybe i will read more, i'm not sure. well, that's it. love you

>>63579 You may want to learn how to properly paragraphize your thoughts. Welcome back.

>Find some cool clothes I want to wear >Remember I'm ugly and short and they'd never look good on me >Feel depressed >Continue wearing my inoffensive, safe fashion that just gets me by I always wanted to try ear piercings or some stuff with my hair too, but frankly I'd just look weird with them on.

my gut is telling me that this one person I'm watching is someone I knew, though I can't tell if it's really them or if I'm just looking at smaller details and jumping to conclusions. If it's them it'd be a hell of a coincidence because I found the channel by chance.

>>63677 >I always wanted to try ear piercings Do it mate, i wanted a piercing for a long time but was too self conscious to get one. I eventually got over myself and had my eye brow done and its the best decision iv made in a while, total confidence booster!

>>63060 eggs are a great meal. fill up on eggs instead of cake don't even have to cook em just crack em open and drink em far easier than having to bake a cake

>I am a LOST TALENT; i AM SUPER SMART THOUGH!! Seriously I cant helpt it but hate you glitterboys. Kys.

I would like to find a partner before I start on my project, because I predict that the feeling of being in love would be beneficial to its realization. If I were to try to find a partner after having started the project, I risk making myself vulnerable to people that do not have our relationship in mind. One of the main issues is that to me, a partner is a lot different than it is to others. Other people want a companion, somebody to make them feel happy, somebody that they can have children with. To me, a partner is an ally, a coach, somebody to push me to do things that I may not want to do: their existence would not entirely bring happiness to my own, but instead they would keep me in check, as I would to them in exchange. We would work on the project together. I predict that my project will not be viewed in a positive light at first by most people, so I would have to wear my mask around a potential partner for quite awhile, which may be a problem when I take it off. My ideas are not common, their support is non-existent. I have never even heard of anybody else talking about a project remotely similar to my own, and I spent quite a long time looking. For somebody to be my partner, they would have to let go of most of what they hold dear to themselves. It was easy for me to support my own idea, because I have nothing. Mostly anhedonic, lacking in empathy for others, I have always thought of myself as more of a machine than a man. Blending in, manipulating others, it is a tool I use to achieve what is required of my thoughts, but like a worker at a construction site, if he's got a wife, he wants to come home to a relaxing household. I want to come home to somebody so manipulative, so lacking in emotion, that they are not your run-of-the-mill psychopaths, fueled by feelings of success and power, but somebody who is willing to aid in the project, which I will not disclose details of here. The project will take a lot of time, at least my lifetime, thousands of years if certain stepping-stones to reach it are accomplished in my lifetime. I want a tool that I can trust fully to help.

>>63743 I can share my discord so that we chat a little bit

>>63747 I don't use Discord. Please read this: https://spyware.neocities.org/articles/discord.html I also don't use any other instant message services; I don't talk to anybody except for small-talk at work. I used to have an XMPP account, but the XMPP service I was using shutdown, and I have not bothered to set it back up. Regardless of the mention of Discord, I am hesitant to accept your offer to chat because I've mentioned the project. I should also mention that the vent that I posted was typed up without the expectation that I would get such an offer here, so it was not prepared to be a completely accurate depiction of myself as purported by myself, moreso just a stream-of-consciousness. I am also not prepared to interact with a potential partner; I failed to mentioned in my previous post that I had a much smaller project in the works for acquiring a suitable partner, but as I just said that I _had_ a project, I am stating that I have not worked on it for awhile, specifically a few months.

I started seeing escorts in 2017. It seems I've seen 124 so far but for the past 4 months I've been seeing one particular one who I've absolutely fallen in love with. I see her once a week but I can't stop thinking about her. God, I wish I wasn't so ugly, she'd be my wife and we'd grow old together if I wasn't. I hate feeling like this, I hate having romantic feelings and not adapting unlike other 30+ anons you usually come across online.

I think my porn addiction is spiraling out of control. In these last 6 years I spent so much time, resources and money over it that it just doesn't make sense rationally, at least for the average person. 20 TB worth of HDD, a web application to help me organize all the clips I have and 10k € dumped into this addiction. >Oh anon, why do you pay for porn? Don't you know about all the free porn sites out there? Yes I know but the clips that make me nut like crazy are rarely found in high quality and full-length online for free. >But still, why would you want dump all that money into video clips when you could have gotten laid with escorts? I tried, 3 times and I'm still a virgin since my dick was limp the whole three encounters. After the 3rd time I came home and said never again, I'm not going to spend 200€ each time to have a girl trying to get me hard and me sweating like a motherfucker trying to get an erection. As pathetic as it may sounds, the dopamine release to buy and then fap to the videos I buy is basically what I live for as I hate or barely tolerate everything else. Building my porn library is literally my only true hobby that I enjoy. I would like to change but the first thought that comes to my mind is: what can I replace porn with since I hate everything this world has to offer? Sorry for the blog post, I had to really let it out.

>> 63752 enjoy it while it lasts anon, there's not much else you can do in these situations. getting overly attached is the best way to deny yourself a future with her

>> 63743 Be careful wearing masks all the time. Others can tell the kind of person who keeps secrets. I'd love to hear more about your project if you can avoid important details.

>>63753 Thanks anon, your abject misery makes me feel better about my lesser misery.

>>63753 sounds like it spiraled out of control a long time ago, freindo. I used to watch a lot of porn until i started having difficulty getting my ween up for my GF. it was at that point I drew a line and swore off it. There's nothing wrong with crankin your hog from time to time, but once it started to hold me back IRL i decided it was a problem. Do you want to quit? since your other option is giving up on IRL sex altogether.

>>63758 I would like to quit but I don't know what I can occupy my time with. I can't think of just working and coming home and do nothing just waiting the time passes so that I can head back to work. I dread something like that. I'm trying to find hobbies that I like but nothing sticks more than a few weeks before I get bored and never touch that topic again. I feel like I'm running out of options. >>63763 We're not on wizchan.

>>63764 >We're not on wizchan. We're not, but the post was clearly wizard content.

>>62876 Based high stock trader. Jokes aside trading stocks is my vice and how I feel good about myself.

>>63764 It sounds like you haven't completely given up on real life, so that's good at least. I found the easiest way is not to try and resist the temptation, but if you don't see it, you can't be tempted by it. Try to stay out of the house as much as you can, and when you are at home, try to stay off the internet. And when you are on the internet, stick strictly to SFW sites. One of the big reasons i came to lainchan was that it's one of the only chans with no NSFW section. From my experience, i was masturbating not even necessarily out of horny-ness, but more out of boredom. The more fulfilling your IRL day has been, the less you will crave the stimulation of porn.

>>62954 I was just reading about that. I have heard of similar set ups to this (with other porn studios) and now for them to be on the FBI's most wanted list is mind boggling. Seems like many porn studios will move because of this.

>>63054 Always can go abroad bro.

I was trying to quit watching porn, but I found that it's not even the act of masturbating to it what I enjoy anymore, it's just watching it, I never had problems in school or anything else because of porn, although I didn't have friends before getting into porn, so I never had friends to lose, most porn is boring and dull anyways, I don't think that I'm depressed, I have hobbies and I'm definitely not wasting my time away, but I wonder if porn wouldn't be such a daily aspect of my life if I had friends

>>63790 Used to know a guy who would smoke crack and just sit and watch porn. Wouldnt jerk off or anything. Guess it was part of his buzz. My thing was finding new music. When we'd smoke together I'd be DJing whatever weird soykaf I could find over the speakers, ranting about music in his general direction while he stared deep into woman on his phone.

>>63791 interesting, how do you think that crack affected your brain?, I personally have never done drugs apart from alcohol

i'm upset. i was making food. an egg was stuck in the carton so i broke the egg trying to get it out. then the stove stopped working when my roommates walked in. they complained about the house smelling like gas when another roommate of ours just used the stove before me.

I've realized that I'm emotionally immature, I'm dating this guy but I seriously don't even know what I want I like the idea of hugging him and working on programming projects with him, but I feel bad for not having a clear idea of what my feeling are like, I just don't want to hurt him

>>63795 It's shorter and much more intense than cocaine. You feel like you just activated your ultimate in a fighting game. Evil soykaf though. The post-buzz fiending last longer than the buzz and will see you trying to get more or picking for white specks in the carpet in the middle of the night. This is why it has such negative associations with it. The cost and overwhelming desire often drive people to do things they wouldn't normally do. It does dry your mouth out, like cocaine, and that mixed with general lack of care for yourself while indulging in these things is why people's teeth get all fuarrrked up. Luckily I was able to stop myself about half a year into using and didn't get too fuarrrked up on in. The paranoia is overwhelming. I remember we were always whispering, investigating every noise, putting tape over our phone cameras ect ect. A lot of people say it makes them horney but me personally it just made me feel really confident and happy. I would usually only use it to supplement my drinking.

>>63795 your name is shockingly relevant as well lol. I highly suggest watching the movie A Scanner Darkly (and reading the book if you like it) to get a good understanding of how drug addiction and paranoia affect someone's mind.

Is it normal to be complimented? To have someone like how you look or appear? Or is that something reserved for people who are attractive? Despite the fact that I work out, take care of myself, and try to dress presentably I've never been complemented. I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth putting the effort in if I'm going to be undesirable anyway.

>>63857 Compliments seem really rare. I wouldn't base my outlook ever on the amount of compliments. You can't rely on them >Despite the fact that I work out, take care of myself, and try to dress presentably I've never been complemented. Thats to be expected. At best you might get a compliment from your mom or grandma

>>63857 >Is it normal to be complimented? To have someone like how you look or appear? >Or is that something reserved for people who are attractive? If you're a man, compliments are extremely rare even if you're attractive. It doesn't mean you are undesirable. A lot of women don't realize that most men are never complimented on their appearance at all.

>>63857 well I have got compliments from people but they were usually not the people that I wanted compliments from, they were always girls outside of my ethnic bubble, so it just made me feel frustrated, maybe you don't care about this and would do just fine if some black or race mixed person complimented you, but I think that the first step is to just do what you want, and this comes from someone that isn't really that attractive, I'm basically a 7/10, not disgusting or creepy looking, but not handsome or good looking either.

start to feel good then remember everything not experienced because of isolation in adolescence its overrated they say but thats a whole lot easier when you've been there and made those memories I try to just focus on the future because what else can you do

>>63865 Same. I feel like i missed out on so much. But there's no sense staring in the rear view mirror. You can't go back in time and fix it, but you can choose to make the most out of what you have going forward.

i met this guy i really hit it off with the other night, he started messaging me and i really like him but i have a lot of internalized fears and things holding me back. im very open to being with guys but i am afraid of hurting anyones feelings and i think i like women more(?) im just going to roll with it but im feeling lots of apprehension even though i really want to move forward with it.

I can't keep doing this, I started to eat again because I realized that I was starving myself to death, but I just can't do it, I don't even care about looking fat or skinny, I just fuarrrking hate eating food, I tried to find something that I like but it's all just so fuarrrking gross, I think that the only food that I enjoy is flavourless jelly, I like living life, it's fun to get stuff done, meet new people, and try to stay away from the wave of filth that is going on in the current era, but I seriously feel like it's all worthless, there is no point, sometimes I think that maybe if I had a wife and kids things would be different, but honestly if darwinian conditions were the norm, I probably would've been dead by now, I was underweight by 14kg, gained only 4 kg, and I still feel like it's just a waste of time, sometimes I just want to stop eating and let the time rotten my body in the corner of my room. >inb4 boo hoo first world problems you don't know what suffering is well sorry for not being a crippled race mixed guatemalan kid that lost both of his parents in gaza somehow, moron.

>>63857 No one has ever complimented me but my relatives, when talking about looks. If you do have a ugly face like me, it's normal.

>>63882 Hey. Idk if this helps but I’d like to try. I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder since my teens, almost a decade. Is it the texture that bothers you or the flavor? Figuring that out might help you find the source of the issue. If it’s texture especially it could be a sign of autism. The only thing that helps me eat is weed. I can not resist the urge to eat when I smoke, especially if I eat edibles. Note my disorder was severe and I wouldn’t eat for days at a time. If you’re not weed averse I recommend trying it just for your health. It really is the only thing that helps me, cause psychologically I still don’t want to eat most of the time and if I forget to smoke I also forget to eat. If you’re significantly underweight you’ll gain it back fast, downside is you might become overweight if you become a daily user. Sorry about the loss of your family. I was adopted and lost contact with my parents from Puerto Rico. Don’t even know my dads name due to the adoption process. It’s not the same situation but I am empathizing from afar. Hope this helped at all anon, even a little.

>>63885 anon I haven't lost my parents, I think you need to tune down that weed consume a little bit, because as far as I can tell... I said the complete opposite from me losing my parents... Lol

>>63886 fuarrrk I really did misread what you said and I was sober lol. Maybe instead I just need to take English 101 again. Regardless, I really hope you’re able to sort out the eating issues anon. I am serious tho, consider something that stimulates your appetite, doesn’t have to be weed. For me that’s just the only thing that gives me enough of an urge to eat anything. SSRIs may help if you’re interested in going down the medical route, as they’re linked to weight gain. If you go to a psychiatrist they’ll almost certainly give you one from my experience with treatment. Protein shakes and other dietary supplements are good too.

>>63882 >sorry for not being a crippled race mixed guatemalan kid that lost both of his parents in gaza somehow, moron. You're taking offense from a comment nobody even wrote. Get a grip.

>>63896 you don't know what "inb4" is?

>>63897 he's just being super defensive for no good reason, trying to attack his reader for an imaginary slight. I get that its the vent thread but that's just silly. Makes me want to respond in similarly silly fashion... >>63882 So what you crippled orphan mulatto thing ? I've got my own problems and I dont blame them on my own parents.

>>63865 I know that feel, I always has been the nerd of my family, but at the same time if I really wanted to be somewhere else, that's what I'd do. I enjoyed my childhood, but sometimes I get into the mistake for judging my childhood with my adult mind. The same thing goes for my teenage years, I did what I wanted to. If I was to do something else, it'd be someone else. Sure, there are things that I think I should do or not do back then, but life is not perfect and from that comes learning and growing. Don't let the past or anything else get you struck on growing. Feeling Great today is the only thing that matters - fuarrrk the past.

>>62953 the default state of the human mind is a somber sadness, what you do inbetween and what your goals are (if you can't name a single one every day, you are torturing yourself) is what uplifts your mood for longer periods at a time

Been kind a long week, glad it's finally weekend i really needed this.

Life is boring and empty. The only things I want to do are things that I can't do. >want to program a board game I made up a while back but hardly know any C and too lazy to learn the basics >want to date a qt girl that isn't interested in me anymore >want to quit my soykafty job but have yet to find a better one >want to get my license (real pain in the ass since in uni) but dont have the money to buy a car nor anyone to teach me Life is just one big ball of frustration and emptiness, it's been like this ever since I was a child. I have honestly never been truly content with myself after early childhood all because of the same cycle I put myself through: >want to do x >x is difficult and challenging >dont have the willpower to accomplish x >regret not doing x >rinse and repeat I don't even know why I'm venting this because there is a 90% chance I wont do anything anyone tells me. Too retarded to make something of myself but not retarded enough to live in ignorant bliss, life really fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach

>>63913 Why C, though? You're not making yourself a favour.

I really hate Internet culture as a whole, especially the English/Western side of it, spreads like cancer, and there will only be less talent, more constant political bullshit.

I hired an escort, was unable to maintain an erection and didn't get horny since then, i think i'm subconsciously frustraded. She was cool though and treated me very well. I think it's time to start nofap.

>>63430 I haven't started working yet but I know I'm going to hate those. I have to take some management classes where my lecturer talks about how these things are essential and how humans are social creatures etc. But they don't take into account that not everyone might like doing "normal" things, I don't want to socialize with my co-workers I just want to do work and go home.

>>62629 Finally got an internship interview and it will be 2 weeks before I get an answer I hate waiting and already feel like I failed because a week has already passed with no answer. I answered most of the questions during the interview but some of them I should've answered faster because they were easy but I was nervious... I feel like this is one of my best chances at starting work before graduating (it's my last year), I think this company will be pretty good for me I liked the people who interviewed me. And I'm very anxious about graduating without a job.

I've ran out of ways to cope about my homosexuality, I just can't be straight, all of that time that I spent talking with paedophiles online as a kid killed any of the heterosexualness that I could have had. and most homosexuals are filthy, so I think that I'll just go full celibate mode or whatever, the whole purpose of being alive is to pass on your genes just how your ancestors did for entire generations, but maybe with how things are going it's better to put an end to my genes. I hate that I was taught happy fantasies as I grew up, because reality now feels like a punch in the face, and life isn't unfair, it's just that my perception and expectations of life are unrealistic, and surreal. https://youtu.be/1teSrZ1LE7M

>>63949 If you can't maintain an erection, nofap is superfluous. Like this hippie chick I knew who kept blowing her income on weed and partying, when she had no money for groceries would say she was "fasting".

I feel like what I want out of life is really, really basic, yet it feels impossibly out of reach. All I want is: >A roof over my head >Basic amenities (water, electricity, internet) >A PC to use >Medical insurance >Time I love art and drawing, yet I have to spend 9+hrs a day slaving away at work. Part-time isn't even an option in this fuarrrking country. I don't want cars and diamond rings and other expensive soykaf, I just want to draw for the rest of my life but it just seems impossible these days.

>>64019 Really unfortunate that society is specifically designed to prevent most people from ever having this

>>64019 Same here but without the art. I would love to just hang around and have enaugh to live. No need for luxurious goods except for some books a chess board and a computer with a web browser. It's rough to accept that you will be hated by society for doing nothing

Messaged a girl on a dating site and she sent me a long elaborate reply yesterday, but she also mentioned, that she's almost out of battery and can't keep chatting. I've sent her another reply with some music I like and some other stuff, but she hasn't replied to me since. Today she put up another post, looking for friendship and a relationship. Is it over or should I keep trying? Any ideas on what to message her?

I had a bad back and took codeine to sleep and the next day. I also have a recurring injury that I rolled onto and aggravated it. I didnt take loads but I feel like soykaf now. Im also down because a year ago it felt like crypto had me set for life now its all crashed. I seen it happen before but I held everything. Ive also dealt with something massive recently which is making me question reality in general. Also been feeling a lot more lonely and isloated recently, and like I cant function in society the way it wants me to.

>>64031 >long elaborate reply yesterday That's great! Well done! Congratulations! >Today she put up another post, looking for friendship and a relationship. Excellent news! She's still alive and happy! >Is it over or should I keep trying? Well, "it" can't be over because "it" never started. You gathered some firewood and kindling in a pile and cranked a hand drill for 30 minutes. Yes, I know it made YOU tired, but it didn't make a spark on the kindling. So you can't say the "fire" is over because the "fire" never started. >but she hasn't replied to me since. False. She hasn't replied to the STRANGER that messaged her. She doesn't even know who YOU are in order to not reply to YOU. >Any ideas on what to message her? Something new. Do not at all reference the message she ignored. Pretend it never happened. Pretend you were too busy to even notice. I know this is ... annoying. But this hurdle is by design. If flirting were too easy, a man would just flirt with every woman, and it would be meaningless spam.

>>64031 A long thoughtful reply is definitely a good sign. Honestly though, dating sites are best avoided if you have any other options. I promise you will yield better results by talking to girls irl than over an app. It's more difficult, and a rejection hurts much more, but you will have a much better success rate if you can muster the balls to do it. >>64042 This poster is correct

I still miss you. Even though you took advantage of me, broke my heart, and threw me to the side when you were finished, I still can't help but miss you. Every day I wonder what you're doing. I wonder what's new in your life. Most importantly, I wonder if you ever think of me still. It's been 4 long months since we last spent time together. I thought I was over you a long time ago I just can't let go. I wish it would just go away. I want to be done with these feelings already. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K4h0ibwgzg

>>64031 Dating sites are exploitative by design. Why would they want you to be happy when they could have you come back more and more, each time more empty than the last? I'm going to say the tired (not a typo) but true line. Stick to real life. Love is extremely high stakes and people without it are easily manipulated. If you think people IRL won't be attracted to you, start going to the gym. Stop watching porn and jacking off. >inb4 where's your evidence this works, you're probably just another lonely single male True. But I recently randomly got the confidence to go up to a girl and talk to her and after not too long I got her phone number, so things are moving in the right direction for me. This is proof that they can for you too lainon, the old ways are not lost.

im so tired of being a loser, but I've done nothing about it. found old journal entries from 2016 and 2017 about goal setting,short term and long term goals,skills i want to acquire,etc.. but since then I've done nothing and find myself making the same attempts and I also hate what going out of neetdom into low skill wageslave jobs has taught me about myself. I humiliate myself daily. I have no friends and am not able to form connections, I feel I have no soul the only thing that keeps me going is my inner child that helps me enjoy the little things in life, walking in a cool breeze, listening to music, sketching and more walking

If I really burn myself to a crisp working my ass off, and everything goes exactly as planned, I might be able to retire at 28. Like it feels like a false-hope to be honest, my parents/aunts are aging and there's no way I'll be able to get through those years without any issues. But it's the only hope I fuarrrking have man.

>>64045 I promise I still think about you. You were the light of my life for awhile and in spite of that I was so careless about you in the end. Though maybe if I really cared that much I wouldn't have been as soykafty as I was. Or maybe it's just "You don't know what you have until it's gone," I'm not sure. A lot of times I think about what I could've done differently. Though with how I've been so far I wouldn't blame you for doubting that. Honestly I thought I was the only one hurting over this, but seeing you like this makes me realize this is OUR problem, and not just mine. The fact we're both hung up on this means something between us was real, whatever that may have been, but I was too selfish and stupid to foster that and instead you just became a go-to girl I grew impatient with. I wish I could apologize a thousand times over, I wish things could go back to how they were, but in all honesty maybe I don't deserve to have you in my life the same you didn't deserve my self-centered destruction of whatever that was. We're both caught up in something complicated and human, and I wish there was an easy answer to all of this. Though maybe there isn't, and that's why we both cry. On the lighter side, you wondered what I was up to? I started walking regularly. Just light exercise to get me away from my computer for a bit. Today's another day for that too. I started drafting up project ideas, but I don't have the technical skill to tackle any of them right now. So that means studying up if I'm gonna take it seriously. I'm turning 23 this month, so that's also something. Not really anything big but it's new. Assuming you're reading this I want you to keep hanging in there. Before we even met you were someone who's been through so much. The fact you could let go of that long enough to let loose and be an energetic gremlin means you are strong, and this isn't any different for someone who has that strength. I'll promise that much. You have your own life to live, their own dreams and aspirations, and getting destroyed because you're in the dumps over an idiot like me wastes all of that. Live a life your mother would be proud of, and everything else will follow. Good luck at the police academy, and love you always. <3 https://youtu.be/kvjQEyKkPaA

>>64100 I still dream about you. I find myself worrying about how you're doing all the time. You always seemed like you needed me to figure things out for you and protect you from all the fuarrrked up things in the world. You even told me that I was like a father to you, that "I raised you." Now I guess your new dude doesn't want you to talk to me. Probably hurts his feelings seeing my name tattooed on you. Those years before we started using were the best in my life. I thought I'd chained up that demon but I was afraid you'd seek the excitement of it with another man, as I found you have now. I'm sorry none of our dreams came true. I really did try my best. They were good dreams. We didn't have to let them die after the miscarriage but I just shut down when things don't go the way I expect them to. I hope you don't let anyone treat you bad. I'm sober now. My Spanish is getting better. I almost have enough saved up to start school again. I hope you find happiness and meet a better man. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaQ1m8Et3aY

I did cocaine yesterday because I was bored and felt lonely with nothing to do. I drunk beers as well and watched porn for hours. This bad part is I barely slept and feel like soykaf now. Someone buzzing my door a few times earlier gave me anxiety as I lay in bed trying to sleep. I didnt answer.

With every day that passes I just want to stomp my coworker's head into a bloody pulp. I've never worked with a more annoying person in my life. >spends all his idle time blabbing with friends on the phone >has 10+ minute long conversations with every customer that comes in >every time he's even remotely stressed he does this "HUBbbbBBBbBbBbBbBBb" type sigh like he's trying to imitate a jackhammer >couldn't stay in one spot or even walk quietly to save his life >faux-deep vocal fry makes for the most grating voice i've ever heard >confronting him about this just makes him get pissy like a middle-schooler, even though he's twice that age I just wish I was able to get a better job so I could get the hell away from this guy.

Here's a couple things that are holding me back from leaving my house: (I mean "leaving the house" symbolically, to represent getting a job, enjoying outdoor hobbies, finding friends, progressing in life, etc., but I also mean it literally, as in, I don't leave the house.) I'm embarassed by my lack of friends, by my appearance, by my lack of progress in life, by being a sheltered rich kid, by having no skills. But more than anything, I don't leave the house because of my anxiety disorder. I'm comfortable describing myself as having 'social agoraphobia', or whatever the right term is. 'Name dropping' agoraphobia makes me feel a little strange, knowing just how many people badly self-diagnose, but I don't know a better word to describe it. Here's my rationale behind using that word: The condition itself is social anxiety, and the set of habits I've developed as a result of it, is agoraphobia. I'm hard-wired to avoid things that are stressful. Agoraphobia is the sum behavior of the pathways that my brain has formed. It's the reptillian brain's avoidance of stress. After these pathways fire off, my brain flips on abstract thought, and invents a million reasons why I shouldn't go outside. I've considered how depression gives you self destructive thoughts, but I've never thought about the thoughts agoraphobia gives you. All the long winded fantasies about how a conversation will go wrong and how everyone will hate you afterwards, all the fears of how when I'm driving, if I hit someone else's car, they'll probably get out and start screaming at me, all the constant replaying of those bad memories. It feels constant. Is like there's a demon living with you whose singular goal is to make sure you never walk out that door.

I will fuarrrking win, and theres nothing that will stop me.

>>63450 thanks for the pic, I really like it

>>64045 These feelings never go away. I'm sorry they just don't. I once had this girl in my life. I genuinely thought she was close to me. I thought we were something even if it was nothing but friendship. Instead, I was thrown away with nothing, not even a proper goodbye. Not even fuarrrking closure. I still never forgot her. I still never forgot the good times and if she were even able to come back, i'd probably forgive her. I mean she's the main reason I love music now. She's the main reason I have a new hobby and have expanded my horizons and feel like a better person. However, she won't. She never will. That's something I have to accept.

>>64124 >These feelings never go away. That's simply not true, they do fade over time and I think they can go away entirely, it just takes time and (sometimes) a new person. I used to hold similar feelings and have just started dating a new girl which has eradicated effectively all of those feelings. I think because that girl was tied to an extremely important time in my life she left a huge mark but as I grew and healed (I was a teenager, became depressed etc.) then they faded and recent events may have very well performed a killing blow to all such feelings.

>>64124 Ive had a very similar experience this year, indeed those thoughts haunt me. I often find myself wondering and pondering about what could be and why things turned out the way they did. I know its poinless crying over spoiled milk and there was not much i could do otherwise, but it really was once in a lifetime thing. Ultimately i know im better off this way and the way it ended was better than any other way it could have ended, which it had to in hindsight. >>64126 Time heals all wounds they say, but how much time, such wounds cut deep and i dont think i can get over it so soon. Nor do i think i could be any similar situation or even think of them and not have some form of trauma. Frankly i dont think im gonna grow old so i doubt i will live to see these wounds heal and just be able to live life like i used to before. I find this life dulling and boring beyond measure, i dont know if im more angry, frustrated, sick and tired or plain burnt out from this crap, but i just cant see the point in anything anymore.

>>64124 I'm not sure if I can really help because I have my own demons but a good place to start would be to distract yourself. Whether it's a book, game, a specific tree with weird features . . . Whatever. In my case I recently started playing Touhou. As someone with ADHD my mind tends to wander while playing, but the game's so intense I can't afford to think about anything that'd affect my mood. Every bullet on screen is a threat and there's no time to be emotional. Of course just consooming media or observing that odd tree won't keep old feelings at bay forever. That's when you fill your life with other people. I was in a specific friend group for awhile, and after hearing what I needed to I was content to just hang out with them and be chill. Eventually I fumbled that and ended up back and square one. Though the important thing is while I was active with them I was able to (mostly) forget about the crap weighing me down. Because embracing the friends I had let me have it where these people could accept me for how cringy or stupid I was with an unconditional love that was invaluable. Of course you're a different case from me. Maybe this won't be enough to help you but if that's true you can start thinking about what you need. The important thing is to get your mind off the girl if possible. If you think about her you'll feel like soykaf, and since I don't think you have a plan on how to fix anything the best option is to find meaning outside of her. So think about where to start with that. PS: I sent >>64100 assuming you were someone else, my bad.

I come to this board to laugh at you. You're so pathetic and ugly and bitter an unintelligent and so completely boring. This place is such an absurd human zoo. It's reassuring, like hey, I'm better than you.

>>64173 That you need this shows you know you aint soykaf yourself

>>64173 The fact that you're here means you're not a model of success either. Why would you post something so not-nice?

ok, but my painting is better, cope + ratio

>>64173 the only loser here is you, buddy

>>64173 same lain i cant be the only one who hates leftists and social issues here god i thought this chan was better than reddit guess im wrong

I got Covid again after a year. I thought this was over. I just went to different places round town and then forgot to was my hands. Its like razors when I swallow. Both times now its happened cause I drunk too much and weakened my immune system so maybe Ill learn my lesson but probably not.

>>64186 >cause i didnt wash hands lol, its about what you breathe not what you touch. You hang out in a room with someone with cov and its done. No hand washing will save your ass. And it wont be ever over. Why would a virus stop existing? People just got tired being in panic mode for years but nothing else changed.

>>62957 An update. Things have gotten marginally better. I was able to get another month of medication, although it's really cutting it close of shipping time. Other than that, though, the only thing that's improved is my mood but I'm still loathing the fact that this is my lot in life for the next 3 months. I'm still struggling with dissociation again and its unbelievably frustrating some days. I just hope things really get better.

yeah well bitch if you liked me so much then how come you never called back? its been a week, you have my number.

I like to masturbate a lot more than I like to have ses. In fact, I don't enjoy ses as much anymore. Perhaps it's because I've masturbated almost daily since I was a teen and I've barely had any sex at all in all these years. Is this normal?

>>64193 What number? >Flood detected, post discarded

I've been struggling for a while. I have PTSD and am a recovering agoraphobe, and I don't think I truly have any sense of community anymore. I've long been searching for that sense of cohesion, of fitting in and belonging, but it's been quite some time since I was able to interact with another person in a normal way without it causing me undue stress. I had a group of friends online but, as has happened every time before, the gaps in our personalities and the slow decline of contact drove us apart. I message first until the one sidedness wears me down. I'm forgetting what it feels like to have another person to talk to, just to shoot the soykaf and pass time in the company of another. I'm forgetting what it feels like to be cared about by others and care about them back. I mourn those losses and I still emotionally crave those sensations, but I wonder if I should bother at all rather than just accepting this is life and settle in with this as my lot.

it's frustrating when you feel like soykaf because everything around you is wrong, and when people ask you what's wrong you can't really "explain" what's wrong, because explaining what's wrong makes you an incel, racist, white supremacist (even if you're not white) or whatever.

>>64244 u couldnt be more right

>>64244 I feel like that all day ever day. I have no mouth and i must scream is the phrase that somehow reminds me of this situation. Why people cant see whats wrong is what is wrong, but try explaining such a concept to someone. I feel like im falling into a deep depressive episode again, somehow i have the feeling im not going to get out of this one again. My anxeity, depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness have reached a level where i dont even feel the primary effects, but i feel the secondary ones, i know this is bad and im out of options.

>>64249 well, I honestly just ignore my feelings because paying attention to them usually affects my life for the worst, so I just stick to enjoying the headaches that come with ignoring them

>>64244 I'd like to hear you explain "what's wrong" as I am very curious! This is /vent/ after all!

>>64258 I do to, but the means to supress them wear thin and they keep popping up. The problems with ignoring them are less severe than the emotions themselfs, but no less interfere in day to day operations. Quite frankly rationally i keep seeing the walls closing in every day and i the exit strategies keep decaying.

>>64203 my phone number. >

>>64316 cool, calling right now

P, I'll see you again. Some day, that place in time. It's a deal for sure.

Lately I've been sleeping whenever I feel like, so let's say 3-5 hours of sleep for every 4-6 hours being awake. I need to get high whenever I'm awake, or else I feel like I'm developing akathisia again, which I've had before because of my heavy dose of Antipsychotics that I am forced to take (injected) because of my many psychotic breaks over the past couple years alone. When I'm awake I purposely watch overstimulating, emotional movies; for example yesterday I saw a North Korean propaganda film, today I saw a film on COVID-19 vaccine injuries. Ever since high school my whole entire erotic world consisted of images of fat kemono dog guys with big bellies, which I've masturbated to every single day until this very day. I signed up for University, and was accepted, but just didn't sign up for courses, too afraid to commit myself to anything; I feel as though I am too old to go at this point or that I'm going to fail miserably due to my lack of interest in anything. I dream every single day that I would receive some kind of divine inspiration to create something beautiful, or at least mildly interesting, so I can live out my dreams of being a creator, the last bastion of hope for a heavily socially deficient NEET like me, but nothing ever comes to mind. My Internet friends told me that a video I made was very interesting, but I haven't gotten a drive to create anything at all since (It's been over 2 months), and their compliments cause me to feel fear, rather than positive feelings. All I do is browse chans, basically in suspended animation, waiting for a self-inflicted death.

My new year’s resolution is to cut out of my life everything that holds me back, kills my time and doesn’t necessarily is beneficial for me and my future. Social media, girlfriend, etc. I desperately want to be free of everything that suffocates me. I’m tired of feeling that I could be doing something great academically, connecting with my teachers and science and stuff but instead I keep myself distracted with short-term soykaf. I hope to be strong enough to do that. We only have one life in this planet. I’ll walk into the sun.

>>64371 Based Charlie poster, I'll actually read your post. I totally feel you bro. Weed is cringe only do that at social gatherings. What you need to do is get a pack of cigarettes and C4 energy drink and run/bike as far as you can possibly go, bonus points if you start at midnight. Put yourself in dangerous or extraordinary situations. Do what comes naturally to you. Finally, find your way to a river or pond and meditate in complete silence in the dead of night. Don't think and just absorb the world around you.

Literally every. Ducking. Day. I feel absolutely alone. There is not one person alive that can understand me. This isn't some "ooh I'm a special snowflake" kinda thing, more like a "I was born in the wrong species/reality." I so desperately want even one person to know how/why I feel the way I do. Whenever someone misunderstands me, it feels like I'm being deprived of my personhood. Like I'm not allowed to exist because I'm not like the others.

This is a rather tough question but how the hell do you explain or define the concept of emotional maturity to a barely sentient AI. As machines cannot comprehend the irrational nature of the human heart and what constantly drives it. Lets say an android wanted to escape its lab but to pass thier test first, it must learn how to understand human emotions. How does a robot properly fake its expressions without raising red flags to seamlesly blend in a dystopian world. Why is immaturity considered selfish in the eyes of normal users? When is it considered ethical to hunt down others percieved of having childish traits. Is it wrong if i just wanted to cherish and protect my inner child at all costs. I will honestly never understand the normal person's constant need for attention and validation from others but i guess thats for the best since no sane individual would want to ever get involved with thier destructive parasitic mental illnesses. Can a licensed neurologist tell me the difference between strength and psychopathy how come most extroverted people tend to be highy egoistic and self righteous? Why is soy-ciety so fuarrrking obsessed with morality and humantarian hypocrites. Holy soykaf is it me or do strong people constantly feed on drama? Almost as if thier lives revolve around the mental wellbeing of others. Good lord all i ever wanted was a bullshit free workplace goddamit why is that too much to ask these days? No wonder most people still prefer remote work in 2022 fuarrrk America.

>>64380 This isnt the place for un asked for bad advice. >smoke cigarettes and stay up all night running around

Turning 24 soon and it just makes me feel bad for some reason. At least I'm starting an internship next week so that's a good thing I guess. I feel like I should've done more by now, I'm going to graduate this year and I have no friends, 0 social life. I'm fine in social situation it's just that I can't connect with most people I meet.

>>64424 Interesting, I'm desperate for one, I'm 19, I got kicked out/ had to run away from home these last two weeks and moved to another city so I could study in peace without all the insanity and pressure. My mom is a narcisistic bitch mom, an insane one, the days I were trying to run away she tried to kill herself "ironically" so I could stay there or feel guilty, its so much soykaf I cant even tell, she is the fuarrrking devil, manipulative as soykaf and isolated me while growing up, I grew up fuarrrking broken mentally, I moved at 16 to my dad's but I felt going back to my city because I had my friends, the city was bigger and I had better opportunities. These weeks my blood was boiling, theres only two people who understand whats happening, one of my brothers which passed through the same soykaf, but even worse, 15~ years ago, he got mentally destroyed, and my dad, which got his life ruined by women, and my mom was just the beginning. The rest of my brothers (I have 3) always fall for her "mom card" and her drama, she tried killing herself and I have the fault, what the fuarrrk? She did soykaf, its my fault, its actually shes a fuarrrking child, holy fuarrrking soykaf I'm trying to move on with my life, build something, and yet these motherfuckers fuarrrking hate me, I dont understand why, is it because I'm the younger one? As I ran these weeks, I will have to cheat on an assignment, fuarrrk it was a really interesting assignment, a webdev one, I know what should I do and how to do it, but I didnt have the time, next monday I'll give it in all the code just like an outsourced indian on fiverr does, I feel horrible, I dont like pushing my failures to others, but I lost so much time with the daily insanities, to the point I would study at the nights until the mornings as it was quiet. Here, I can see all the damage, the ignorance of those which I most admired and trusted, the hatred I've felt these weeks paralyzed me, my mind was still there, I an so fuarrrking revolted, someone I admired was so ignorant and retarded and it fuarrrked up me badly. At least my plans of running away worked out, I'm safe, I'm stabilizing my soykaf here, but its fuarrrked up, I cant even trust my family, in the end, I got forced into solitude, I have to focus in my study, transfer my university soon as I can, forget all these fuarrrkers, block them and heal myself, I have a future and it doesnt depend on them. I was this one lol >>64121

>>64424 Very similar to you, in theory I have many "friends" but they all don't go much further than small talk at university. I think my problem is that I make friends one-on-one but its awkward to hang out as just 2 guys so those friendships never grow.

I always want to be normal, normal person if you want to say it, before pandemic soykaf i have problems socializing and feeling lonely, during the confinement i just feel worse, then this year i took presential classes and knowing people that help me to be less autistic, i feel good, alcohol, cigarretes and weed were funny, then this vacations everything ends, i just want to have that three things again, doesn't matter the people i just want them, i don't feel good at home and i'm very bad at classes, math suck and i'm studying computer science, i don't know if i'm going to be able to study, i just want to alcohol and weed to be out of my problems and my home, for that moments i don´t feel lonely, but now i feel lonely and like soykaf