The last few nights I just ponder for hours about death.
I've made it through 14 days until Friday, had Friday, Saturday, Sunday off, I don't do anything meaningful or fun anymore, no movies, my hobbies are neglected, I just lie around, don't enjoy anything anymore, don't even watch movies or play video games, I'm just waiting to go back to my soykaffy work on Monday to do my pointless job, I'm so fuarrrking tired during the day because my whole biorhythm is mush and I usually don't fall asleep until three in the morning, before that as I said I think about death and dying for hours.
Oh yes, and when on the PC I rattle off the usual pages as always, and otherwise I just drink coffee. The coffee (and munching, especially chocolate) still makes me feel alive, probably because of the happy hormones.
How do I break this cycle again? The funny thing was, when I was unemployed, I had less problems (no job, no money, although I don't have any money now either) but I used the day as good as I could, first doing the unpleasant things like cleaning, gardening etc. and also some programming afterwards either turning on the pc or the TV or reading a good book.
Today I do none of that, absolutely none. Before someone comes to me with "believe in yourself" or self-discipline: I already tried this, and it didn't bring anything but only made everything worse. I'm probably a stupid autist or something, but at home with my technology or with animals and plants I always felt most comfortable. But even that somehow doesn't work anymore. I only think about how the world is going down the drain (tyranny, war, environment, economy) or especially about dying, either my own death or the death of people and creatures that are close to me. Is perhaps also related to my work, which I do not want to name for privacy reasons.
What am I supposed to do there?