Let It All Out #6

A thread for you to vent all your worries and anxieties away.

I really like this girl whos like a small time drug dealer, and the thing was she probably liked me at least a little and thats exactly why soykaf isnt working out. my friend who introduced me to her told me she gets nervous around me which fuarrrked everything up because my biggest like insecurity is that i make people uncomfortable. Shes literally perfect and everything I want in someone and also things I didnt even know I wanted. Shes dominant (except with me :/), very controlling, physically my type, and just so fuarrrking smart. I never have had a conversation with someone where I just really felt entertained like I did with her, to be fair we were coked out. Still though its just like, I realized and this isnt to toot my own horn or some soykaf cause I see no value in being like this but it takes a lot for my brain to be entertained. This is why I have so many problems because any moment I spend not entertained my brain just makes problems up for me to deal with because it clearly hates being bored more than being depressed. When it comes to people I usually get bored with them, but im also very empathetic and nice so I never ditch people, and its not like oh I get bored and dont enjoy their company anymore. Its just that they dont make my brain really move like she does when we talk about perception and consciousness and soykaf. I decided it was worthless to think about that stuff at some point and she really opened it up for me again. And then I go back to my other friends and I just think like wow, I cant even talk about the stuff I talk with her about to them. They literally wouldnt get it, like thats crazy but im being honest they wouldnt be able to comprehend. I didnt realize things were like this and she did, she asked me if I thought I was smart. I didnt go to her birthday, even though she invited me I didnt want to stress her out or be a burden or something on her birthday. I realized it was stupid to be like this, but me and another friend realized that me having doubts meant it probably wouldnt have been good to go over and do drugs. She really just is all I could ask for, its all so complicated too because shes my friends best friend. Hes a very weird exclusive person, he judges a lot and perceives me a certain way and probably has some influence over her. Is it so complicated, maybe it isnt. I have such low self confidence too. Its insane to me anybody would find me attractive which doesnt help here, when I need to be confident a bit to break down that barrier. I just have this idea that I am perceived like ugly, creepy, and weird. That I make people scared or whatever. Its probably from middleschool and early highschool where I was perceived like that because I didnt take care of myself. Then later I did and now I look, its funny cause im just gonna say normal. But I really feel at best I just look normal yet my friend whos incredibly attractive and brutally honest says im attractive. Most people do now, and on dating apps I get a pretty good amount of matches with horrible pictures. Yet I can never ever accept that I am. Until recently I didnt even think about fashion because I felt like I wasnt worthy. Like I literally felt bad if I spent time picking out clothes cause it implied I thought I looked good enough for anyone to care or to deserve spending time on myself. Thats how low I thought of myself. I think if I could fix my posture I would be willing to say I look "good". The concept of my needs prioritizing over someone elses is foreign to me. When someone says oh what do you want to do its usually always like I dont care what do you want to do. And thats not me just being nice of trying to kiss ass, its like also so engrained in me that what I want to do is probably stupid or not fun that my brain doesnt even consider it an option. Often times I myself dont know what I want to do. Im still not sure if its a good or a bad thing but I have little wants. Part of this stems from as im saying most things making me bored. The only thing I actually find interesting is other people and me so just people in general I guess. Unfortunately getting to know other people often involves doing things together. For example with earlier mentioned girl, the other thing is if we ever had one on one time I dont know what id do. If I could keep conversation etc. I think she too gets bored easily but shes figured out how to solve that because shes less anxious and cowardly. She sells drugs and takes drugs and parties a lot. As for me I just hide, I gladly partake in those things but only if somebody else lets me in. I couldnt ever set it up myself. And half the time maybe I go quiet and sit trapped in my head, as I am right now alone. Im on break, ive spent 5 hours in my room in a loop crawling around or meditating. My mind just buzzing and getting irritated and frustrated. Instead of just fuarrrking doing something, why is my mind content to sit in hell, what am I so afraid of. I think I spend at least 3 hours a day just alternating between my phone lying down thinking moving a bit in some kind of cycle that just infuriates me and clutters my mind. Thats AT LEAST 3 hours. Its like I cant figure out what else to do, and I wait for someone to save me. Get a text or something. But being here trapped in this house its like soykaf, is this what I do when im alone. fuarrrking just fume and rot. This soykaf isnt gonna be like this tommorow. I need to make plans, is that how you dont end up like this? Do you just plan out your day a bit the next day? I never plan anything I always feel like its limiting but am I wrong? I dont know any fuarrrking normal coping strategies so I have to learn everything myself.

>>6170 I love arisu. Thank you for image of arisu.

>shipping for army infantry in 5 months >going to selection for a SOF unit after OSUT >hoping I'll pass >working out like a madman but it might not be good enough >not sleeping enough and haven't done so since middle school >khv

>>6174 If you like each other then hang out more. Hell if she loves drugs try taking E with her (and just her) and seeing what happens. As for what to do, I have no experience but I suppose just be slow and touch her a bit IF it gets like that.

>>6179 we were going to once. we went to a rave, she asked if i was going to redose back home cause i had two pills, i said ya even though I had taken both because my dumbass thought she was going to sell or give me more. She was like oh so you still have your other one and I said no and that was that. We got back she seemed upset. My first time doing molly in her house I was all over this other girl in there too, which I think she was thinking oh if we do it he will be like that with me and im just so fuarrrking stupid that even though that should be true it isnt. But on the other hand maybe im assuming too much and she just doesnt care. I think its best for me to assume she doesnt want anything out of me and has no interest in me. Its not worth anxiety. I sort of just feel like with people like her anyways that they have so many options and are such interesting people that by comparison im probably so boring im not on their radar.

I feel like im more empathetic than most but i'm not sure. Not even oh im so nice im a great person, but one example that just happened is I was watching a video about the brazen bull, that torture device that basically cooks the person inside alive. When I hear about things like this I literally go into a little world in my head, and like vividly picture it happening to me. The pain is beyond my imagining but il feel the intense panic attack and freaking out if being brought to it knowing what is about to happen, and then being inside and the pain and the clausterphobia of not being able to get out. Even right now im there in my head, and when I snap out I realize I was shaking. This happens all the time, for example if my mom sends me a message or calls and I can hear that she is missing me, even if its a happy message il start to cry because I imagine myself missing somebody but pretending to be happy for them. Of course I can choose who to extend this to, thats why im not just the nicest person ever. For example as a kid it was extended to ticks or mosquitos even, I wouldnt kill a mosquito. I used to kick my friends when they would kill ants or bugs as a young young kid which only incited them to do it more to get a reaction out of me. Ironic I guess, but to me they just took a life, and a kick didn't even do enough justice. I dont know if its related but il picture these elaborate scenes in my head, where some unjustice is done to me or a friend and I picture what I would do to the person thats doing it. I get so intensely angry again I shake, il twitch, and my fists clench up and I just feel like that extreme intense anger. But yeah no idea if its normal. From what I see of other people it isn't, I think for most people just their thoughts cant make them feel that much; something has to actually happen to them. But I could be very wrong, it just seems like its the case since the few people ive told thought it was strange. I think its part of the reason why im so depressed and moody, its so easy for me to feel sad or what not for someone. Oddly i've never had this happen with happiness? I've had it happen with comfort or peace, but like if someone tells me they got a promotion or something good happened I feel absolutely nothing. However if they tell me something sad that happened to them, depending on how serious il start to cry. I would be a great actor and used to be as a kid, but then I got this idea in my head that people could always see through me; i think because I can see through a lot of people. Im basically unable to seriously manipulate or fake anything about myself because what happens is I think "they will find out, they will see through it" and then that causes me to be nervous, so then even if I did it really would be obvious cause I wouldnt have any confidence. yeah thats my story about how great and perfect I am. hopefully it doesn't sound like that, its actually caused some problems for me. My moms the same way but she just sees it as "im a good person in a bad world" but I can't see it like that.

I don't actually like my friends I just don't want to be alone

>>6239 I think either you arent valuing your friends or you need to confront your fear and be alone and learn to be happy alone. Once your happy alone I think is when you make real powerful friendships. If you think you dont value them enough listen to this too, if not skip it. But dont limit yourself to one friendgroup, and realize these people who hang out with you even when you arent appreciating them are like your springboard. You can always fall back to them if another relationship fails. But also always make sure you keep in touch because those are your roots, you wouldnt be anywhere without them even if you dont think they are as cool as new friends you make. They probably love you, this attitude of I think your boring or I dont like you shows, im sure they know a bit but just enjoy your company that much. I know how it is, im the same way, and I still have lapses. Il like talk soykaf about one of my best friends to almost anyone because I never liked him and he just attatched to me, but hes also doing way more with his life and always takes care of me when im down and soykaf. So its a bit fuarrrked up, im never unjustified in what im saying, and he totally is the exact opposite of who id hang out with. But he does so much good? More good memories then bad. Its like is it worth it for a laugh with somebody that might not even stay by my side or trust me like he does? Big risks, think about it for your situation too.

I'm too stupid for maths and I never really enjoyed them up until recently, when I had to focus a bit more on them and they turned out to be pretty cool, but I guess it was too late. I really wanted to devote myself to programming, be part of the whole cyberpunk culture and contribute to something important. This was kind of my last chance to be worth something and be happy. I guess I'm going to fail the upcoming entry exams for the uni I want and end up with some mundane job and truck along for as long as I can. If only I had taken things more seriously and wasn't dumb as a rock.

The longer I stay on this planet the worse things seem to get. I think my brain is just not compatible with the standard more of living that most people don't mind. It seems like my brain doesn't want to budge on this stuff so I'm probably just gonna be sad and scared for the rest of my pathetic little life if I just continue doing the done thing. But taking the path less traveled is also very scary and there's no guarantee it'll be any better. I don't really want to kill myself but I also don't want to feel like this forever. I don't think there's a place for people like me in society, and that's okay. The problem is, living outside society is both expensive and very difficult by design. The more I look at it the more hopeless my situation seems. I'm fuarrrking pathetic.

I don't know if there's anything I'm particularly good at. All I seem to have going for me is my curiosity. And I'm old enough to know that it's not sufficient for anything. I don't have the discipline to do more than learn esoteric/aesthetic information and ask naïve "what-if" questions, and I lack the practical knowledge to follow up on those questions. I try to reassure myself by thinking that as a teen, being too young to know better; struggling against undiagnosed disorders; and faced with teachers who taught examples rather than principles; all combined put me on a shoddy foundation for continuing in my fields of interest. But I've always set high standards for myself, so those feel like excuses. And though I know all I've been doing is looking for shortcuts, actually putting in the work feels like a wasted effort. So many people already know more than I do, and even if I weren't discouraged by that, all that attracts me is the possibility of trying something crazy. I can't even really say I'm very creative, I'm more of the "it's stupid but let's do it anyways" mindset. Sure the rare times that proves valuable are awesome, but let's face it, 99.99% of the time it's just pointless and the rare chance it isn't never turns out to be enough to justify the rest. Well I tried not to make this about my mental health but here we are. I probably need help.

I'm done with people who try to take you down whenever you are doing something you are good at, something you enjoy, something that makes you happy. it's like that bucket full of crabs analogy. the second one tries to climb out, the other immediately pull it back down. Like, i'm sorry i'm trying to improve myself and my skills and i'm sorry for being passionate about the thing I do. ugh I hate that so much

>>6251 True for all of us. You can find a way, you have to because there is others like you who are killing themselves because no one like them has made it. We need to make it for the next kids growing up who are outcasts, that are or were like us. And tell them being an outcast is okay. The road less traveled as you say.

I feel like histories repeating itself but even worse, france before the revolution, rococo. The way to elevate your status is through beauty. I love beauty, I love art! I love makeup as a guy, I dont wear it but I think its interesting, pretty. I love models, I love the designer clothes. But nothings happening. Even modern art now, something at one point intended to be revolutionary and a challenge to the norm. I love modern art, but now its made for the sole purpose of blending to some rich persons white walled house. Its worse than rococo, the rich have taken the very movements and politics of the poor so that no challenges can be made. They make people feel empowered, here is a makeup brand for all skin tones. Now you too can be beautiful like us, you don't need to fight your oppressors, look here is a movie depicting people of your beliefs and values. You dont need to fight, look at your feeds everyone agrees with you. Yes even as what those of you who are right or alt right would call an idiot, I still see the lies. I just don't assume the propaganda to be evidence of anything beyond pacifying people who truly are still oppressed. Thats where we disagree, who is being oppressed, but on some level we might share some things such as it being the poor. Just to me your class and appearance are linked. Not always, there is people who are beautiful in societies eyes and poor, and ugly in societies eyes and rich. But broadly I know them to be linked, my opinion of this wont change. Im not asking to convince you of my politics, im not trying to fight this battle here, im making a cry for help actually. No matter what you believe, so long as you believe there is unfairness in the world I want you to hear me. Thats the core of it, maybe I feel this way because I never got much love and never had a dad; just as likely as me discovering information or as some of you would say me being brainwashed. I just see unfairness, thats it. I cry because of if, I have since a kid. And sometimes I think im a terrible person because I believe too everyone should follow their own path, that violence isnt the answer, that the way to a better world is to let go of our desires. But ever since I was a kid I always just pictured revolutions in my head and it was so good to me. Like finally things would be right, and I would do it because I was a kid so I had a lot of hope and was mostly undamaged. But I cant fuarrrking speak, I cant sing. I look at famous musicians now who share in this with millions of devoted possibly crazy fans and I know they have the power to change it all. And maybe thats the thing, im a bad person and bad people like me could never succeed with music. So with literally no voice, all I can do is yell on an imageboard probably only to be yelled at back. This is my only audience, just because I still have some slight hope il inspire something. I have no desire to feed my ego or be some revolutionary figure, I just want a flip. And not a permanent flip, I know how it goes. Once things flip the revolutionaries too suddenly are evil and rich. Then eventually it stabilizes, swings around a bit. But the fact is its in the history, no longer do people think "That could never happen, no one will do it". Thats where we are right now, we all think theres absolutely nothing to do that things have been so internalized and checked and balanced and the military is so strong that nothing can be done. Whos going to be the people that show thats wrong? Ive always thought that the day even I, weak as I am would just say fuarrrk it im ready is probably the day it would happen. And clearly im not because im just screaming here on this stupid website. Because I dont even know if im doing the right thing. Am I crazier when im feeling at peace, content with life, thinking that fighting it would solve nothing, and that I should simply try to go with the flow of things. Or am I crazier right now when im saying what im saying. I just dont know, does this even matter in the grand scheme of things? And should I even worry if it does, being something that can only live in the present. I wish, I would die if it meant I could find the words that would be so powerful it would inspire someone to fight and not just fight but succeed. I dont care what happens after that, just have this take place here in my country as it has in others. This is stupid and dramatic, im over it, and I have work to do. I guess il always remain a sheep, a sheep thats just a bit weird or is missing a leg. All these strong emotions came purely because I didnt see a friend today I see every day. Isnt that funny. My friends that I feel safest around because I never feel safe always leave. And when I noticed today that I was getting depressed purely because I wasnt seeing my friend I broke down, because I knew it was happening again. I have created a dependence in my mind on someones company. I slapped myself until I stopped crying and then cried about the above, this has been my existence. Its so strange, these bursts of energy. I cant imagine what I would have typed here in the thick of it, itd be even worse. The least I can do I think is get ahead in my studies, I think thats probably for the best right now. Thanks for listening. Sorry if I pissed you off.

I'm tired of being alone. My entire life, I have known there was something off about me. I'm always scaring people away. There is something creepy and misanthropic about me that I just can't shake. It's like a roadblock of my being. I tend to get bored of people that I can't relate to, either. All of my interactions happen over the internet. I feel like that is the most pure connection to have. Talking to people in the "real" world is hard. How will I know that we have things in common? People are at their purist on the internet. All of my relationships have occurred online. Friendships and romantic relationships. Even enemies. I still feel so alone, though. I try to make friends irl but quickly get bored and want to be at home on my computer. I ignore them and stop responding to them like a total asshole. These days I barely have any online friends anymore. Maybe one or two. I am not apart of any communities like I used to be. I just feel really lonely.

I wish I was smarter. I wish I could hold more objects in my mind at one time. I wish I could process information faster. I feel like I'm someone with an 80 IQ or lower. I'm just so much slower than a lot of people my age. People my age know more, understand things much faster, and are generally just ahead of me in every area. I can't focus for long, and my attention span is nil. What takes someone a week, takes me a month. And it fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach because all my life I've been told how smart I am, mostly by relatives and teachers of course, only to meet people online that simply amaze me. And I'm jealous of them, I'm so envious it's gross. If only I had won the genetic lottery, or was born to parents who can actually think, or stayed in one school for longer than a year, or who knows what else. I hate myself. And there's mostly nothing I can do to improve the aspects I hate the most. I'm stuck with what I have.

I pretty much gave up on women. I had some bad experiences as a kid and as a teenager that screwed with self esteem pretty bad and I guess I never really learned how to get over it. I tend to act the clown in public since I figure I'd rather have people laugh at me because I'm acting like a retard than be another silent beta loser. It kind of helps but not when it comes to stuff like romance. I've got friends and a lot of people know me, I guess, but I wouldn't say I'm popular or well liked. It's gotten to the point where if I talk to a girl I might have a chance with I think something like "don't even try, she thinks you're a creep, she probably has a boyfriend already, she hates you" over and over. I have no clue how people form these kinds of relationships since all my experience in that area has been overwhelmingly negative. I'm a KHV too, if that wasn't obvious. What gets me the most is when I see couples on the bus or the street holding hands, falling asleep on each others' shoulders, et cetera. I crave that kind of subtle physical contact more than anything else.

>>6271 Here is some advice, even though you aren't asking for any. Try to get rejections. What? Yes, go for the rejections, take is as a challenge. Go for the girl you know is out of your league, and if she says no? You got what you're looking for! What's the upside to this? Well.. you'll eventually get a yes, and you'll learn how to get the yeses. Fear of failure is oftentimes worse than failure itself.

>>6272 >you'll eventually get a yes what makes you think that?

>>6274 statistics there are ALWAYS outliers to the norm

>>6278 To expand on that, you will learn from getting rejected. If you don't give up and you work to improve you will eventually succeed. Such is the nature of determination.

My friend likes older guys because of something that happened in her past. Shes my best friend, a lot of our relationship consists on us trying to better eachother and give feedback. Im not going to lie and say I dont find her super attractive, we are the same age. However part of the reason its been so great is I was able to just accept nothing like that would work out, we want very different things in life. Ive been okay with all the guys shes tried to date through dating apls so far which is almost a new one every week. They all have been only one or two years older. This guy though is fuarrrking 29, she is 19-20. And he looks 40; wrinkles and graying. Shes so focused on settling for less if it means being in a relationship and being normal, something ive been trying to help her get away from. Also out of all these guys this is the only one she said was "great". I want to be supportive if he really is great but I just have doubts about some 29 year old rich white dude looking for young dark skinned girls on dating apps. I also HATE, unfairly maybe, old rich people that have that culture because I have people in my family like that and we dont get along. Thats just it, so il never be able to talk to this guy without hating or judging hard. Just from his texts I can already tell he texts overly formal like "Alas, we will have to schedule something tommorow" and soykaf. My only hope is that she is very sex motivated and she said he was ugly so maybe they didnt fuarrrk and when they do he will cum in 5 minutes or his ED will kick in. If they did though its over at least for like a month. And horrifying thought for life, I honestly cant stand the idea of her settling for some ugly pathetic soykaf just because he was nice to her and is rich. Hes a whole nine years older than me but I already know I could make him uncomfortable as soykaf when I do get to meet him, and I probably will test him. I guess if he can handle it id be cool with him. I just want her to be happy, and I dont want her to think my dissaproval is jealousy or me trying to prevent her from being happy. I just generally as I said dont trust someone like that is good for her.

>>6271 You arent a creep, its in your head. The beta loser thing is a myth spawned from a society that has for a very long time idealized men that lack any form of emotion. Try to build trust with people, its the best way (in my opinion) to form meaningful relationships that are capable of blossoming into what you are looking for. also just because you have someones trust does not necessarily mean they want to go out with you - dont take it personally because it isnt something wrong with you, after all you gained their trust. I know you have it in you man, you're a beautiful soul just like the rest of us

>>6170 That's it. I'm going to die alone. I'm going to die alone in a shallow grave apartment, working a back breaking job, forever subhuman. I failed at the most basic human thing, attracting another human and finding companionship. I don't even have friends. Is this really what I was meant to do? Some days I'm fine with it, I like the silence and irresponsibility. But other it's just crushing realization after realization.

I hate women I like guys Not homosexual

So my 6 year old relationship ended and got a notice how my department will get outsourced so I will be unemployed soon. All this happened this month. I feel pretty soykafty and lost right now and unsure on how to proceed.

I cant tear myself away from how crazy the world is going. Politicians dont respect the will of the people ever. We have live close ups of everything that is going on and people are more divided than ever. We are headed to Cyberpunk 2020 in its truest form. and tho this may be edgy and cool. The reality is less of a novelty.

Why does the bakery put raisins into everything they make? Why does McDonalds add pickles to their cheeseburgers? What the fuarrrk are these retards thinking? Who enjoys this soykaf?

>>6301 (pre-op) Traps are gay, lain.

>>6301 If I understand the problem (not sure I parsed it correctly but...) I do think hiring prostitutes is the answer to your problem. Since they are in your hire for the time, you can simply ask them not to speak their whore gibberish in your presence.

I feel more and more disconnected from the society. For the last years I made a big progress towards socialization however now I feel like I don't belong enywhere. I have literally one friend who shares my worldview but soon he will move out of the city and I will lost the contact probably. The rest of my social circle seems ok however I always feel that I am different from them. I tried dating some girls but every try ended up as a fail and I don't really see any point in trying because I see that everybody around me values totally different things than me in life and it seems that I am too old to change surrounding and look for new friends. Also I feel that I am totally not prepared for adult life but everyone expects me to fit into society and act like the rest because apparently that's what adult do. When I talk about my doubts and fears all I get is get yourself together, don't be a loser, find a job and start a family. It's like the idea that someone might want different things and looks differently on aspects of relationships and contacts is completely alien to them

>>6292 Theres more to life than reproduction. Youre obviously hurt and i know that all too well of my own experience, but you can give meaning to your life. Its hard to do and harder to believe its doable, but you can break free of it. >>6254 Agree with that, youre not the first and you wont be the last. If you dont want to pack it anymore, thats your choice, but i for one wont back down and let it go one without fighting back. >>6307 That is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but not everyone is like this, you may be lucky like myself and manage to find friends who dont try to be conform. As for me: my life is out of control and i enjoy it. Its like im stuck in some sort of dream, the days go by so sudden now, memories feel so much like memories, i dont know whats real and what isnt, everything is a flash. I get lazier and lazier by each day, i lost track of my track almost, im on the total edge of society and the only thing keeping me afloat are my parents, they arent getting any better and certainly not me. I fight a complicated double fronted war against reality, on one end i want this nonesense world gone and long for order, stability and reason, on the other i am aware of how unreasoanble it is to expect reason, uncertainty is the only real certainty and the disbelief and denial of reality is what gives me power and drives me. I think i understand so much more than i want to, yet i am paralyzed by it, its like trying to look at all the trees in the forest in detail. I have friends now, i havent had any for almost 10 years before this, they are all stoners, weed binds people, they are friendly and mostly generous and caring and chill. I feel so much less anxious and scared then i was even one year ago. And we get along well, yet for some reasons there is a wall, or maybe its what i tell myself that. I get this feeling i cant trust them, but perhaps its because i dont know if they understand how fuarrrked up i am, i know probably wont mind, yet it feels like my personality got so shaped around it and i feel sort of scared. Every once in a while i miss my old depressive life where i would break down sometimes.

>>6304 raisins are good man, the problem is when people use bad raisins

It's frustrating not knowing a good solution to the problems in this programming book I'm reading. Then I read the solutions and it's like the author conjured up the perfect solution and I sit there feeling like an idiot, which I might be.

I am worried for the way my addiction to the internet affects my life. lainchan is not the only imageboard I go to. some of the alt-chans I use have this constant drama going on in which I for some reason get too much into. this is not a good obsession. it affects my attention span in real life. while doing something mundane, my body goes on autopilot and my brain starts thinking on good arguments to fight back with on those websites. there have been countless times where I skipped doing my college homework just to fight in one of these stupid cyber arguments... this is destroying me on the inside because I feel so alone in this! I feel like everyone else is not taking it so seriously and realistically, I shouldn't either, but I just can't help it! I have tried to take action in this, such as forcing myself to do something, literally ANYTHING else besides fighting in these stupid arguments. I usually either play video games or watch anime to distract myself from the drama. on some days it works but on others I can't concentrate on watching or playing because my brain starts to wonder off, thinking on what to respond with next time I visit... I don't know what the fuarrrk to do at this point. maybe I should just focus on trying to stay here for longer periods of time, since this place is mostly free from cancerous drama if anyone here has gone through something similar, please tell me! even if you haven't found a way to beat the addiction, I would at least like to talk about it with you

>>6311 >this place is mostly free from cancerous drama

>>6312 Not him and only go here once every other day for just a bit now. But dont you remember if you did feeling like this place was super calm snd drama free compared to 4chan or most of the others? Cause it really is, like I know what you mean because I can barely stand this place anymore but in comparison.

>>6315 >I can barely stand this place anymore but in comparison. what? why?

I'm losing ground. I don't make much money. Can't afford to go back to school. The bills keep going up, and I've already cut my all the fat out of my budget.

I'm tired of my left eye slightly seeing double. Doesn't help that my left eye's vision is a bit sharper than my right's. I also hate that I don't want to do anything anymore. Well, I want to do things, but somehow everything feels like it's going to take so much time and effort, and at the same time I can't believe we're almost 1/4 into 2018. I can't concentrate on books either anymore, I want to do things but I give up easily. I just want to stay in bed and browse soykaf on my phone forever under my favourite blanket, or alternatively I like to stare into nothing and simply think and fantasise about things, and mull over past events. One time I spent an entire hour sitting in the bathroom doing nothing besides thinking about things and looking at the walls and the floor. Time goes by so fast like this as well. I also dislike that once bad things happen in my day, I can't do things to make me forget about the bad stuff, because in the future I'll associate bad feelings with the thing I'm doing. I don't understand how ice cream cheers some people up, it's just fuarrrking ice cream and in the future I'll associate ice cream with bad emotions if I use that to console myself. I've tried rewatching SEL again, 4 or 5 days have passed and I'm only through two episodes, one episode a day, I don't want to ruin that show by associating negative emotions to it so I'd rather not touch it at all. My mindset is that once my day is ruined, I must wait for the next day for a fresh start, and I can't change it. why do i have to be like this?

>>6170 I am scared to think of my own future. My current job gives all the meaning to my life after years of actively trying to kill myself and I'm terrified of the success and moving on to another job. Part of me doesn't think I will succeed in applying to new jobs, the other part doesn't want to leave all my new friends behind which I know I will do when already I don't keep in good contact with friends from previous schools and university. I just can't accept that I could ever be good enough to deserve success.

>>6318 It seems to me like you're not living in the present. Once you realize that, things will improve drastically. I used to be the same, constantly depressed, unwilling to do anything, had no friends (I still have no real friends, but I pretend to be more friendly around people. They mostly use me as an emotional tampon and technical help, so I don't take them seriously.) and spent days watching pointless videos or lurking on junk boards. What helped me to break from this cycle was watching shows like Non Non Biyori, Gochuumon wa Usagi Desu ka, Acchi Kocchi... At first those shows look completely pointless and stupid, but watch them carefully and you'll realize something really important.

Why is love so hard? It seems like such a basic desire for people yet it seems nearly impossible to obtain. I went on a few dates with this guy on tinder and for once it felt like if wouldn't be loved i could atleast be valued and share some intimacy with someone else. Coming up on Valentine's i thought i would do something special for him and make a few gifts for him. The problem was that he was too busy and our scheduals hardly lined up but whatever, I could wait. A whole month passes and i finally have a date set for Sunday until two days before he cancels because of work but it's okay because he says next Sunday will work. Two days before that Sunday he cancels again because he has to babysit and he'll be working that entire week which was my spring break, i'm upset but atleast we can text and whatnot. one night I ask if i can call and we eventually do get to talk but right before hand he says that he's not interested in me romantically and would rather just be friends. I didn't even know what to say anymore I was so blind sighted by the situation that all i could think about was not making a fool of myself on the phone. Now, i don't even know what to do anymore. i'm stuck in with people i don't relate to almost all of my friends have left or are leaving. On top of all this I strongly wish that i was a women but i don even know if that's legit and i'm trans or im just lonely either way i'll just be further alienated from the people around me.

>>6364 soykaf man. It happens and it never feels great. Stick at it. Most people's romantic lives are a series of failures and disappointments until eventually it works out and they settle down and end the story there. Take a few weeks off. Treat yourself to something nice and when you're feeling better about the situation give it another shot. It's only over when you give up. >On top of all this I strongly wish that i was a women Iktf. Still, that's a massive step full of all sorts of hardships and pain. Not something to do on a whim.

>>6366 I'll keep that in mind, i'm glad i can come to a place like this where people can be real with you. I sometimes go to certain reddit communities and their so concerned with being supportive that they'll just say nonsense like " you are valid" or "your are beautiful *hugs*". They don't even know me yet they feel they have the authority to make statements like that. At least i have studies to look forward to.

>>6366 >trannying is really hard Some things take care of themselves over time, like body hair and (to a lesser extent) face and figure, after a year or two on HRT. Other challenges are just mechanical skills to be practiced and eventually mastered, like doing mascara without poking yourself in the eye, or coordinating your outfit. The rest is just grappling with the same problems you’ve had your whole life - body image, sexuality, socializing, etc., except now you understand them and are better equipped to take them on. >>6364 >if I wouldn’t be loved I could at least be valued and share some intimacy with someone You deserve to be loved, lain. Tinder is not for emotional intimacy, and people are “valued” only inasmuch as being fun to fuarrrk (relative to a vast, ever shifting sexual marketplace).

>>6364 Are you sure you want to be a women and just not feminine? If you are sure then nothing important here, just proposing this in case. I think sometimes people feel because there is such a strong attatchment or even unshakeable reality of men being masculine and women being feminine it seems the only option is to become a women. Rather then just ignoring gender norms. That can be in behaviour or dress. I appear very masculine and in some areas an but am largely more feminine. It does create some confusion in certain types of people, mainly just very normal suburban types. Oddly nobody really mistakes me for gay, sometimes straight dudes will but ive never had a gay guy or a girl think im gay. I usually just get strange descriptors as people try to explain ny behaviour while still confining me to things the image of men feel. I imagine this is also some of the discomfort people who think about going trans feel, but you have to consider that its not from within. I dont feel any desire to change sexes or identify differently but has popped in my mind briefly or for extended periods before i realized this, so if being trans really does involve some unshakeable desire to be the other sex I just wouldnt understand. I mainly bring this up because im sure these stereotypes did come out of the way biology is structured. However as we grow further from that and our natural environment becomes more entroached in the modern world people will be confused when they dont match up, especially younger people. No matter what you choose it will be more isolating, however this is all the more reason to take it and not hide yourself. If you wish to behave as what is labeled feminine do so as a man or a trans woman. Because otherwise there will always be people feeling confused and disconnected internally from the world, having no one to look up to in society and learn from. Any deviation from the norm involves a lot of mental struggle and anguish trying to cope with where they fit in the world. Right now you are lost, but when you figure out how to exist or start to in terms of society you probably will feel as I do that if only there was someone to show you all of this. And then you might realize you can be that person simply by not compromising yourself. If everyone doesnt like you after, you can at least know that there was nothing else you could have done without suffering and being stuck in your head forever. Thats the nature of the unbeaten path, if its meant for you then explore it. It doesnt have to go anywhere, the joy is really in seeing if it leads anywhere. Lots of cliche advice here but I think its true.

>>6389 >wanting to be feminine I (different lain) want to conform as closely as possible to the ideal of womanhood. I’m not sure if this makes me trutrans or not, since I also get sexually aroused by the thought of myself looking like a woman. I’m faced with the choice of if it’s better to be a complete, reasonably attractive man or an ugly (at best) and forever incomplete facsimile of a woman. I’d make a very good man were it not for the fact I really don’t want to be one. I’ll bet the globalists did this, putting chemicals in the water and soykaf.

>>6394 There is no trutrans. Only stories we weave around bodies and minds we do not understand, adjusting what we can to make the world coherent and palatable.

>>6320 Something important? Can you elaborate on that I didn't see a deep meaning in those shows although I am out of that unhappiness cycle the thing that broke me out was me just realising life is too short to worry about this soykaf

Programming is thinking, and if I can't program, can I think? I think not! Literally.

>>6395 >we try to impose order on an inherently meaningless or incomprehensible world Some trannies say they transition so as to better reflect an invisible (eternal?) truth about their soul. We change ourselves after an objective reality, as a painter might try to penetrate to the esssnce of his subject; the resultant painting reflects the eternal form of the subject, despite not being photorealistic. Trannies do the same, with the object being either their respective souls, or the eternal ideal of womanhood/femininity.

My best (and only) friend is my 3yo cousin.

>>6398 Observe the behavior of characters. They live "in the moment", solving problems as they come. In contrast, most people now days live either in the future, imagining themselves doing something and preparing to do something or they live in the past, contemplating about past events. Without new experiences their life becomes miserable, they become depressed and spend even more time doing nothing, but thinking how awful their life is. It's not the goal that is important, but the journey towards it. This message becomes even more obvious when analyzing the lyrics of Gochuumon wa Usagi Desu ka 2nd season opening song.

>>6404 My only friend is my uncle's cat who I haven't seen in some months. He's the only being who would seek me out because he'd enjoy being around me.

>>6408 Are you not allowed to have a cat in your building or something? I had an "Anne Frank" cat once and lived in fear of the landlord making a surprise visit.

I don't really want to have friends, or interact with people at all for that matter. But I start to feel weird after a week or so with no human interaction. How to I get around this? It's not that I don't like being around my friends, I enjoy their company, I just find it very scary, and I can't help but pick up on every single flaw in them. So I'd rather be alone because at least I know who I am to a certain extent. I wish I could just live in a never ending lucid dream.

>>6395 original poster here, this is part of what's the problem for me. intellectually, i don't believe in people having a "true self" i think identity is mostly a lie we tell our selves but that doesn't change the fact that really don't identify with what it means to be a man and i feel like i would like myself more if i looked like a women and got to act in "womenly" ways.

>>6423 Even if we had the perfect technology to create an anatomically correct woman complete with gene modification, you still wouldn't have the 20 years worth of memories that are a part of being an adult woman. And right now we don't have the technology to correctly transform someone into a woman either, so that's an extra hurdle. You will ruin your fuarrrking life if you go through this at this stage even with only HRT, you need to learn how to accept yourself for who you are instead of wishing to become someone you can't possibly be. I was born partially paralysed and even though I wish I was born normally, I realise that without this life defining thing everything I believe would be completely different. I wouldn't even be posting this, I would be enjoying things my current self loathes. I'd probably think the Superbowl is the most important event of the year, I'd post soykaf on Facebook all day and that'd be my entire despicable normal user life.

>>6429 >born partially paralyzed And rely on many expedients, medical, technological, psychological, and social, to reduce the negative effect it has on your life. Without meaning to trivialize your condition, it looks similar in character (if not degree) to what we trans women experience. We KNOW our lives will never be “as though we had been born normally.” Yet to sit back and live “as God made us” would be to wallow in self-pity. So we fight. For our lives against what seems to you imaginary, because you can’t see it. Tilting at “windmills” - they are really giants. We KNOW what they appear to be, and that our lives would be more comfortable to treat them so. But putting down our arms denies humanity’s struggle for eternal Truth, which chooses us as its unlikely champions. To deny this calling would be worse than death.

>>6403 If one listens to oneself there are many such voices. Ideals that yoke ones mind to try and grow and spread. But they all compete and change -- one worries they aren't as real and constant as they appear. Perhaps one's mind has created such a feeling to try and convince the remainder to achieve something concrete? It's hard not to envy girls... the emotional warmth, freedom of expression, more desirable and at ease in society. >>6423 I'm no stranger to this feeling. But it comes and goes. When I'm surrounded by people who don't impose strict definitions on manly / womanly behaviours it goes away. Same with exercising plenty (read: being comfortable in ones body). I don't mean to invalidate peoples feelings, just suspicious of where they come from and for what purpose.

My job kinda is like kicking dead whales down the beach. But I don't have anything better, and for some reason they still keep me around even though I haven't performed all too well since I changed the area where I am working. Yesterday my friend told me that she heard that the guy who got me in the company was the one that interceded for me when I quit (reason I moved to another area) and that makes me uneasy overall because that dude told me he hadn't known about the whole issue until I got there. Now I am left wondering who is lying to me and why. And I dislike being lied to this way. Especially when I am holding to a job that I don't really like. The reason I don't like this job is because I don't do much, and I am also no earning much. Of course it's hard to find another job and any job will suck and will be underpaid and overworked, but right now I am not content with my situation. I don't know what to do about this whole issue, of course I still get paid but I don't do much (or anything at all at times) and I hate being idle yet having to report in a way. Sometimes I'm too lazy to do all I have to do, but often times even if I do what is asked of me I don't deliver much resuts, and in the end results are what matter. So I feel kinda like a parasite in that sense. In sum, I feel trapped in a job which I feel is not doing me good, not earning enough to pay the bills, and yet I can't seem to leave it partly due to the fact that I'm not a very employable person. I want a programming job, at least I thing I could do that....

I've been concerned with my mentality and attitude towards life for a while. I've always been a very unhappy person, it seems ingrained in my approach to life and how I react to life. I received little attention from a young age, stayed inside all day and became more and more cerebral, my parents had a violent divorce which echoed over years as I was in primary school, I was diagnosed with autism when I was 7, and I've had a consistent disconnect with any of my peers that has been difficult to mend. I can assume these cover most of the negative impact on my development. Towards the end of high school, I started trying to 'get it together', but I wonder if that's where the problem may lie. When I talk to people, I feel a disconnect because I want so much more out of it. I want to understand every aspect of them moreso than I do myself. I want to see them inside and out. I want to bond with them like a singular entity. That's a summary of the issue that can be applied to many of my approaches to different subjects. "Perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon." I must control everything; I must understand everything. I do my best to cut any and all dependencies that are not necessary, I feel like I'm evolving in the direction of a more and more efficient machine. I try to plan and spare far more thought to everything I do than others, from what I gather. I will zealously drag each piece of the foundations of my psyche as they break under stress like limp limbs, forward, as if it's a virtue. I subject myself to the elements, for the sake of standing the elements. I only want to be stronger, more independent. This level of forcing myself forward, trying with a constant awareness to crush my being into an ideal form personal to me and me alone, is starting to drive me insane. I can't spare the time to think on what is wrong here, on what else I want. I only take exactly as many breaks as is needed to optimize efficiency. I want so fuarrrking much. I don't want the traditional sense of power over others and the world, but power and understanding of myself, optimization, to be able to do whatever the fuarrrk I want as an independent person. I've come far in terms of being a 'functioning and capable human being', but I can never be sated. I feel so much rage at my incompetency in not getting to the root of the problem already. I think if I were to change for the better, I'd end up wiping my entire personality and all of my history at this point. When a superior must control something, it is done for a reason, they have a reason to fear it. When I think of why I must control my life and awareness so much, it really makes me wonder what I'm afraid of. This has been dramatic, but it gets the point across, I've largely written this for my own sake. Thanks for facilitating me, Lainons.

Today I am on vacation and I have a chance to put things into perspective. One is that I dislike my job. I would quit if it were my choice to make. But I have a rent to pay. And I can't really miss that. I do have a comission for a translation, and my job does take up precious translating time. But once I'm done with the translation, do I have a chance of getting a second translation? Another one is my desire for a decent set of technologies. I have some rather specific needs, but it boils down to wanting to have a nice trio of lappy tablet and phone. I want to ask my parents for it, considering it's within their economical reach. But it's no small amount and I am left wondering if once having it I will actually manage to do anything good with them. In particular I want to study the maths and do some of the programming, but will I really? I really want some decent technology, I am sick of having second hand soykaf that never works.

>>6239 In this case, I prefer to be alone. Be around people that i don't like makes me bad. Persons who like to talks about useless things, extravagant people and even unexpected visit. I like to be alone when it comes to be without people around me, because I fell the same way when these people are close to me, my loneliness is constant, and the most of time I do not even feel sad. I'm already used.

I've been fuarrrking up with the only person that show the slight demonstration of affection towards me. Well, I must admit that's partly due to the lack of affection I daily receive. I am not used with this. I am not used with people actually caring about me. I've been living in total isolations by 8 months ago. I only had one friend, and he is a man, so of course it is not the same as having a woman friend. The thing is: it's complicated. It's almost impossible to not feel attraction or even some light love towards someone who has the opposite sex as you, furthermore, both of you talk daily and share basically the same interests. I feel like I can finally open myself with her about all the kind of issues and expections, but at the same time, I feel like I'm pulling a great weight against her shoulders. I am not sure about my feelings as well. I told her I love her, but is it really love? Isn't it fear of her leaving? We're not in a relationship, we are just casual friends... But still, what am i afraid of? I don't know. We've been discussing a lot lately. I feel like everyday are just a big fuss over nothing, just like today. We are nothing more than friends, then why have we been discussing everyday? Why do we both of us talk abour our feelings so damn much? I honesly can't understand. I can't understand at all. I think it would be easier to me if I'd just die. In fact, I have been thinking about suicide, but that's not the point of the thread. I don't like my parents nor my family at all as well. I don't hate them, I just don't have any empathy. I don't have anyone who I can discuss about this besides you guys and her. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I'd lose someone as much incredible as her again, I might have one of the biggest mental breakdowns I have ever had, and end up doing something stupid.

I need drugs to numb myself, a lot of them. Drugs and challenging technology to dissasemble and try to understand. Those two things do it for me.

I've been addicted to pornography for years and it has destroyed my life. I can't look at women the same way anymore - I'm caught between an endless hormone rush, a desire to couple with everything even vaguely female, and a reactionary impulse - a desire to be pure again, to cut myself off from women lest I feel tempted, to never speak to women again because I'm unworthy, to someday live and have a pure, modest, chaste relationship with a woman. All of these desires are of course contradictory. I'm a KHV, of course, and no girl has ever deigned to give me the time of day, much less go out with me, though whether as a consequence of my degenerate lifestyle's influence on my thoughts or simply of my pre-existing ugliness and general social autism I don't know. I fantasize a lot. I used to imagine elaborate scenes where I date that cute girl from work or that athletic one from the team confesses to me. I'd get lost in them. Over time I started rejecting my own fantasies because it seemed jarring and unrealistic to think that a woman, even an imaginary one, would want to spend time with me. These days, I think about simple things - momentary fragments - the brief warmth of a hand holding mine, some vague female outline falling asleep on my shoulder on a train going nowhere. Things that feel, if not realistic, easier to suspend my disbelief with than entire romantic fictions. I want to quit my lifestyle so desperately but I want to keep going. When I'm in the grips of it I start justifying what I'm doing to myself - "it's not like I'm hurting anyone," "everyone does it nowadays," "I can't resist anyway." It's almost part of my personality at this point. When I'm not doing it it's easy to to think I quit, I'm never doing it again, but the temptation and the rush always comes back. Anons, never use pornography. Quit while you still can. It is poison for your mind. Your views of relationships, women (or men), your own body, and ideas of purity will be permanently altered for the undoubted worse should you continue. I'm so tired.

I deeply love my friend, and it's unconditional. I see a lot of potential in her, so in spite of her being incredibly pretty I know that I am not the one to complete her life and can cast that aside. Probably her being cute is part of the reason I developed this, but in the same way we often feel especially attached to anything cute or pretty in our environment. But shes deeply troubled, I don't know how to help her. She may even be autistic, it's so hard for me to tell because she isn't awkward but part of that is because her appearance and her sort of heir of superiority makes any weird interaction feel like its your fault. She also has hinted at being sexually abused as a child by a family member, so it's possible much of it comes from that. She just is so dead inside it can seem like. She endlessly goes on dates, all of which I hear about. She describes the conversations and everything that happened and the more I hear the more strange it is. She has so little interest in everything, that everything is equally uninteresting or interesting. A conversation about water holds the same weight as a conversation about politics. She can't even tell or judge if what the persons talking about is boring as soykaf or if it's her fault for not listening enough. She was telling me how she fuarrrked up on a date because she wasn't being responsive to his conversation about miniature airplanes. She even was trying to ask probing questions about this topic. It then shifted back and forth from her realizing this was something she wasn't interested in and only a few people would be, and then she for some reason reverted and said "No I was interested your wrong" essentially. She is wildly judgmental and at the same time very expressive which is a terrible combination. If you are doing some weird behavior because you are uncomfortable she will make a point to ask why you are doing that in a very angry tone. When I asked her about this she said because she doesn't need people doing weird soykaf around her. When I pointed out she does weird soykaf she said but no one ever says anything so until somebody will confront me i'l continue doing it. Not false, but it's always been my opinion in life that you can't afford to be judgmental unless you either already have friends or are willing to live without them. Neither of which are true for her. Mid conversation sometimes you will ask a simple question or elaborate on something and she will ask you "Why are you bringing this up" or "I don't get the point in you telling me this" when you really are just talking about something you thought was relevant or interesting to the conversation. If you explain "Cause you said X" she will say "yeah but I understood I don't know why you are saying this to me". Like she thinks you are trying to get at something besides just having a conversation. When I finally said "I was just talking, I just thought it was interesting and relevant" she was semi surprised, and kind of just said oh sorry. Like no one has ever told her that in response to that question, because the way she phrases it seems like she is upset. This led to a conversation about this behavior she has later. But of course shes such a specific person she needs exact examples because she couldn't remember doing it, and so we agreed i'l just point it out to her next time. The worst of it all is she is unwilling to accept she is a bit weird. Her whole goal in life is to be normal, work as a doctor and be a housewife. The guys she goes on dates with are always intensely boring to her, and she has no respect for them but they are older and wealthy and have their life together. Often times she unintentionally destroys their self esteem. If I didn't overthink everything like I usually do I never would have asked her questions about her mannerisms and behavior and would be a mess right now or not friends with her anymore. Even knowing somewhat the background behind why she says what she says, I have to have incredibly thick skin and not get nervous no matter what she asks me. Just a bit ago I was really down about it, it's easy for me to throw a pity party and just cry and be dramatic thinking people personally hate me. So in that sense this is why I love her so much, and why I love being around her it really helps me work on my problems. Its also a confidence boost in other situations, if I can handle her I can handle almost anyone. Plus as you might agree with, some of these flaws i'm stating actually are positives in some aspect. I just wish I could help her as much as shes helping me but I don't know how. I feel like she has so many barriers that would have to be broken down. I think because of the abuse she deeply wants to be normal and for things to be stable, to the point of rejecting any sort of chaos into her life. I've only barely convinced her, and i'm not sure I have, not to settle for a soykafty relationship where she endlessly just hates on her man. She was willing to do something like that for awhile so long as he was nice and not abusive, even if she found him just boring as all hell. I managed to get her to agree she maybe should be single for awhile to figure out what she really likes in life and what makes her happy, and that she should go on dates and explore but not with the intention of getting settled. In spite of her judgements, another quality which is a nice one but also naive is her complete inability to make assumptions about people. I think many of us can sort of pick up when somebody is a "loser", which is a soykafty thing but true. Something about their mannerisms or the way they talk or what they talk about give it off. But she lacks this completely unless they explicitly do something noticeable OR they look the part (on the bad end she is very appearance focused, she sees it just as a part of life that is bad but how it is). This also means though unlike most of us, she can't avoid many relationships with people that won't work out because she can't tell until they actually do something. On one hand it's probably why we are friends, we have such different goals in life and attitudes that we may have never interacted if not for this quality. I'm semi into drug culture and because of the things I've taken I am a bit of a weirdo probably to those who also haven't. Just unlike my friends I don't have this attitude of "sober people don't understand". Another reason I value her a lot is she keeps me straight, as unstable as she can be. She is pretty against drugs in general, and I tell her everything that I do so I can get that perspective and not fly off into my head like some of them. I'm a very people obsessed person, and it's probably obvious. The most entertaining thing for me is getting to know people I think are interesting and how they work and absorbing some of their perspective. I also though, because I see so much in people i'm interested in and love the parts of them they might hate, always just dream of them doing great interesting things. And it makes me intensely sad, knowing she really is an interesting person who is on the fringe, having her try to conform to what a normal girl should be and settling for less. I just wish she could embrace her weirdness a little, and be okay with meeting people who aren't maybe perfect but at least interesting to her. Shes said im one of the more weird and interesting people she knows and I think that's pretty sad because I always think i'm boring as soykaf compared to people I know. Even then though, what really hurts is to know for the most part everything I say is boring to her. She listed only one exclusion to her lack of interest in other peoples words and it was a family member; and even that took a lot of me pressing her to come up with someone. The things I say are no more profound to her than a conversation about miniature planes. I'm around during the best times because I can give her company and help her think through things when no one else will, and during the worst times because I am this concept of a "friend" and you can't abandon friends because that's not what normal people do. and she's my best friend right now. I'm like a pet to her, and she is my best friend. I always have had weird attachment issues with big sister type girls, I think because both of my older female siblings left at separate times during my life suddenly. This ones just weird because it's almost flipped as I've gotten to know her and realized she really is just kind of a lost kid. We still are pretty even, there is things she still knows a lot more than me about. I don't really know where it's at right now, I can't tell if she has any respect for me. She will go from asking me for advice to blowing me off and saying i'm being weird. Very hard to predict. I could probably talk about her all day, as I can with most people i'm friends with. I just hope things will work out at the end of it for her and also for us. I hope we can always continue being friends, I feel like we make a good team. We both are possessive jealous people and I hope that never gets in the way as she finds people and if I ever find people. I hope she can learn something from me as I have from her. It's always been my dream for somebody to be able to look a me the way I looked at friends who I've looked up to. I hope if our friendship does end it's on good respectful terms. I should probably stop now, i'm on adderall and just getting absorbed in this instead of doing my work.

Gotta push out an MVP ASAP so I can leave this disgusting workabitat. Good thing I'm reasonable and understand that I can do that a bit even before finishing up. Although that only prolongs the ETA. My work surroundings are terrible.

https://www.maa.org/external_archive/devlin/LockhartsLament.pdf if there was a similar one about philosophy, i would put it here

>>6476 that sounds awful lainon, but if I could give you some advice, just forget about everything. start by running (or speed walking long distances if you cant run) the hormore rush you get will start to counteract your desire to get other forms of hormone rushes. You will also have lots of time to contemplat life. jsut take an mp3 player or something with. I dont know about your particular relationship situation, but if you fix yourself, you will probably be able to start connecting with other people. even if they are just the wierd ones you find on the internet, but still people. >>6477 >I deeply love my friend, and it's unconditional. I see a lot of potential in her, so in spite of her being incredibly pretty I know that I am not the one to complete her life and can cast that aside. Based of f the post you made, it sounds like you think about this quite a bit. I would say the best option for you is to encourage her. maybe ask her out on a date because you think it would be fun for the both of you. encourage her by talking about her quirks but telling her that they make her a better person when she feels bad about them. >This ones just weird because it's almost flipped as I've gotten to know her and realized she really is just kind of a lost kid. your description of her sounds about right. so the thing she and you both need is a guide in life. why not be that for each other?

>>6476 I have a bit of a problem with porn too and now I can see how it destroys your brain. Earlier I never believed it when someone said that porn messes with your mind and how you see the world and others but now it's pretty obvious to me. I wasted so much time for watching porn and fapping that it's really sad. I even have a collection of 800GB porn videos with favourites pornstars and it makes me hate myself but I can't somehow delete it. Recently I started nofap again, I hope I will regain some mind clarity, have some more energy to live, you should do the same. On youtube there is huge amount of inspirational videos why you should cut the porn out of your life. Fantisizing about relationships and girls may put you in even greater depression if it's the only thing you do. I know that "get out there and meet some new people" argument is bullsoykaf but meeting with others, having normal contacts is probably the only way out of this addiction. Anyway I wish you good luck and I hope you will be ok >>6477 Partially I can understand your situation. Not a long time ago I thought I was in love in a girl. She was similar to the one you decribed: self-concentraed, unpredictable, hard to geto close to. We even went for a couple of dates, all I could thought of was her. Now however I see that I was stupid, she was playing with me like with all the others and I let it go, somehow I was able to colpetely get over it and now I am much happier. So my advice for you is let her go, stop bothering because she probably doesn't think much about you. She may have some problems but that doesn;t give her the right to act like a bitch. We all have problems, especially here, most of us had hard childhood, mental problems, anxiety or feling of exclusion for the whole life. If she want's to act like that, let her to it, soon she will be alone or in toxic relationships. Concentrate on yourself, find some valuable friends. Don't waste your time on helping people who don't want your help

>>6469 Don't tell her you love her. Love is quite a strong word, especially that you don't know if it's really love. Talk to her, seriously, tell her that she is important for you but you have problems with expressing your emotions. Hopefully she will understand your weirdness, tell you what she feels toward you. It's good to confront those kinds of things but try to not make it weird. Don't tell that you constantly think about her or that she is the best thing in your sad life. It will scare her or make unnecessary weight and expectations. Simply ask how she sees your relation and its future

>>6476 I feel the same way. Since I was 10yo I have a relationship with porn. Do you know that theory of 10.000 hours? Then, it is the only thing that I am an expert (maybe 3 times an expert). My life is a fuarrrking joke.

I haven't been to uni all year, some mix of anxiety and depression threw me out of it early on and now I'm way too far behind to catch up. Could have fixed this earlier but it was probably impossible. The only friend I had at uni that I can talk to about stuff like this is dead now, and I don't know how. I'm so used to lying about how I feel to my family that I could never drop the truth on them. I was in a similar pickle last year and I only studied for my exams after I failed at suicide and last year wasn't nearly as bad as this year. I'm emotionally dead on the inside and all my feelings just fall into a pit of nothingness. I get through each day by getting drunk, doing drugs or just sleeping, it's the only way I know I can make it to tomorrow. There's only a few weeks left now and I'll probably end up killing myself when exams start because I can't deal with how much of a piece of soykaf I am. I hate opening up to my friends as well, used to do that soykaf in high school but nobody ever actually cares enough. I'll probably just reincarnate into soykaftier circumstances though to be honest knowing what life is like. I wonder how many of my depressed as fuarrrk friends will get pushed over the edge when I die.

>>6507 Thats pretty awful to see you stuck in this condition. Seeing another one of us down in the dumps and ending up on the loose and of the noose is terrible. Maybe the next life will be better, or maybe you will get lucky and some kind of miracle happens that might give you another way out and maybe fight back against this soykafty world. Either way i hope your suffering ends, i wish i could tell you something better, but i cant.

>>6512 Thanks I need to have some meeting with the uni department heads about my attendance, if they take mercy on me and let me resit the year I may well carry on but if they boot me out I'll probably do it.

I had been moved out since I was 19 Got myself arrested for an incident involving a baseball bat. Was destroyed financially dealing with legal fees Lived at work for a few months and lost the best job I ever had by getting caught I've moved back in with my parents since September. Havn't been able to hold a soykaf entry level job for more than 2 months at a time. Got fired 2 weeks ago because I had a panic attack at work. My mental health is in shambles. I an alcoholic. I can't connect with people anymore. The people I consider my friends have either moved on to bigger and better things or cut me out of their life for being such a colossal fuarrrk up. And the people that do love me unconditionally and want to be there for me? I resent them for it. I can't deal with it. I don't know how to let people love me. I just wish they'd go away. What the fuarrrk is wrong with them? I turn 28 next week. Honestly... Thinking about joining the 27 club before that happens

>>6493 Oh I knew someone like that too but she isnt like that. She really wants to help make people better, and she does a lot for me. Its just the things she does for me are mostly services or things. Like buying me food as thanks for something or inviting me to go somewhere. She can't really show any affection for some reason. >>6487 It just really wouldn't work. The minute we are in a relationship shes going to want a lot more out of me, if thats something she is even interested in. I also think maybe me wanting her to embrace certain things is bad for her, it may be having the normal life is the only way for her to keep stable. It would just result in so many arguments and fighting, i'd never feel like I was doing enough and she would feel bad about me getting upset with her. If I was maybe a few years older and a bit more put together it might have worked. Im also not looking for a relationship pretty much ever.

It looks that I have problems with staying in reality. I never seen that before however now I know that it was always an issue. My mind always wanders, often I don't know what's going on around me because I am constantly thinking about different stuff. I tend to think too much about the past or the future, never about the present and it is probably one of the things I am always failing in everything, getting bored or loosing concentration instantly. My guess is it's because I spent most of my childhood with computer games, I stayed in the meatspace only to go to school, eat and sleep, always waiting to get in front of the computer and loose myself, escape from the world. Now I don't know how to stay connected to this world, despite the fact that I don't play as much as before and try to socialize more. How do you stay connected to the present lainons?

>>6507 Why even consider uni if it drags you don so much ? Whats the worst that can come out of failing that ? Either go hard into it or drop it and do something else. Death is far worse than a couple of bad grades. Pick up a soykafty job and try to find something that makes living bare-able, a hobby. Right now isn't the time to beat yourself up about things you haven't achieved.

>>6541 I'm tired. I can't bear the thought of working some soykafty job just to exist either, I'm sure there's some soykaf jobs that aren't so bad but fuarrrk me working with the public is some soykaf. I don't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore anyway, sure I could try some other things but if I have to motivate myself just to do something that's supposed to be fun to me what's the point in carrying on? My soykaf goes a lot deeper than just flunking uni but I sure don't help myself.

>>6542 I get what you mean. Failing uni is only a single part of the depression chain. Problem is, people cling unto things they use to enjoy and force them into their loop, in hopes to relive those times again. These thoughts are baggage that many carry with them. It sounds like you would benefit from "walking away" from your situation. Suicide isn't the outlet I would chose (thinking about it makes you only more miserable). Why not try and visit another country ? It sounds pretty cringe but years ago I told myself I would move to china and see what's being a monk is like, before killing myself.

>>6543 I ought to apply for a passport and go some places really, if I make it to the summer I probably will go somewhere but I don't know if it'll help. I'd likely be going alone, which is probably not ideal for me. I'd like to see the world if I am going to carry on. One of my housemates lives in Greece though, so there's a practically free holiday to be had there. I've been like this for so long I don't think I can just walk away.

Life is boring mess of pain without drugs. My whole body aches, the noise of reality, cycles of behaviours of nearby people getting on my nerves. Who the fuarrrk can deal with this soykaf without a substance to abuse? I certainly can't.

>>6546 To be fair, most people drink to help let out the demons, and even more people drink coffee or tea to make it through each day. What drugs do you like lainon?

>>6549 Benzos and opioids

I have no friends because I am a toxic person no matter how hard I try to be normal and not bad. I've been doing the meds+therapy deal for a few years now and I'm still doing really poorly. I don't like pushing people away because the people who were close to me were very precious to me and I cared about them deeply. I'm really close to being kicked out of college which would mean I have no friends, no money, no future, can't get away from my abusive family for good, etc. I will probably kill myself if it reaches that point. Not sure how much I've got left in me.

>>6550 If I can give some bad/good advice. I love those myself. Even better feeling though is popping some adderall and getting a fuarrrk ton done. I had always avoided adderall but when the things I was using became more serious and I quit I tried it and just having that complete focus and dedication to whats in front of you is amazing. For the pain and opiod feeling try kratom too. This is whats worked for me to get off harder soykaf. Not that adderalls any better but im at a point in my life where im gonna do whatever it takes to get my soykaf done and thats what it takes.

>>6554 It isn't that I created physical dependency on those mind you, I take them every other week so I don't think kratom would do much but still thank you. Adderall I can't really get since I am not in USA but I will get meth/amphetamines and just microdose that. Thank you.

>>6544 Why not do it ? You do want to change, right ? Motivation is hard to build up, but doing a little here and there might help. I used to find comfort in my depression, it's terrible. I hope you're past that.

>>6551 What's a "toxic" person ?

Feels like most of the people who I thought were my friends actually hate me and only want me around to have someone to make fun of or hurt. I wish I had been born in a secluded mountain far away from modern civilized society so my parents and the few people in our village could have convinced me we were the only people on the planet. My dream, really, is to be moderately successful in creating a book or video game or movie, while also remaining anonymous and sperging about how much I hate the media and normal people whenever anyone tries to interview me and figure out who I really am. I'm sorry this post is so unfocused, I'm just letting it all out.

Computers just don't cut it for me anymore in terms of entertainment. Lately I hate staring at the monitor. Also I don't like reading books. Basically, the visual and mental strain combined is just annoying for me. I lack other forms of entertainment though. I listen to music but I can only listen to a limited amount of course. I do like sleeping recently. Life is so dull.

>>6565 Try finding some sport you enjoy doing. I felt like that for a long time as well and running got me out of that rut.

>>6565 You should try doing something with your hands, something physical. Depending on what sort of materials you have access to you could try: whittling (wood carving with a knife), creating mail (medieval armor created from metal rings, you can use steel wire), creating gauntlets from sheet metal (I've seen people make really schway designs)... Basically something time consuming which doesn't require too much mental effort.

>>6563 Sounds like you need better friends.

relationships girls sex kissing love holding hands cuddling women It's almost everythings that's on my mind for almost four months now. Being kissless virgin and all that never bothered me enough to actively do something about it, but now I'm apparently finally matured sexually enough for it to be EVERYTHING to me now. I'm 20. It's pretty bad now. It's gotten to the point where I can't watch anime about young love anymore, feel physically ill when someone mentions the word "highschool sweethearts", and constantly dwell on my past grieving about missed opportunities (about girls). What the fuarrrk do I do? I tried quitting porn (I could only read hentai and solo videos at this point) and stopping masturbation, but so far, that only made it worse. Serious relationship is not really an possibility at the moment, I'm moving pretty far away in 5 or so months. And I don't meet much new people anyway, and I'm afraid that if (or when) I meet the kind of girl I dream of, she wouldn't be at all interested in me. Hookups/fuarrrkbuddies/hiring a hooker is out of the question, It's something that I would without a doubt regret later.

>>6570 The most important thing to do is let go of your past, don't think about it, it will destroy you. I know it because I did it for many years, was in your situation, still being kissles even when I was 24. It's definietly not good to beat yourself about missed opportunities. Think about the present, what you can do right now, how you can improve yourself. Wanting something too hard will make you fail even harder. I know it's easy to say for me to let it go but it's really the only thing you should do. fuarrrk the past, you have missed all those years like most of us here probably but instead of regreting it do something so you won't waste more years. Those memories will be always coming back to you but you must try to push them back. Hopefully the relationship will come eventually. If you concentrate all your energy on finding someone you might end up in something that will make you even more miserable because of too high expectations. Believe me, if I was able to get laid and have some intimacy you can too so good luck

>>6568 I probably do. I haven't talked to any of them recently, mostly been keeping to myself. I think I'm just gonna go off the radar with this group of people, I know they're just going to talk soykaf about me either way so better to not even try to talk to them.

>>6563 Yeah this is gonna sound heartless but it's always important if you want to grow at all to consider both perspectives. Do you imagine they think they did anything wrong, or do you imagine they have a valid reason to hate you and the only real bad thing they did was keep you around in spite of this? Are you so lonely you ignored obvious signs or let them be mean to you just to have someone to be around? There is a happy medium. Im telling you this because im on the far end where I assume I always am at fault. I grow a lot, rarely am I ever on the receiving end of this like you are. I also am constantly suffering because of it. But there is somewhere good where you can see your problems that may cause people to hate you, decide based on how confident you are what you are willing to be confident in and ignore hate, and what you really should probably work on.

Ever played out a game of Tetris in your head ? Try it. Try making the blocks appear in an as-random-as-possible pattern. What I found out is that it is impossible to get a block, that isn't easily traceable to a part of the board you just "looked at". This is especially true for the S, Z and O blocks. Did you really happen to randomly get that T block or did it appear because you knew it would fit well there. Sincerely, somebody with an unhealthy Tetris obsession.

I am so much pain right now because of what my brain thinks as a result of what my eyes see, that if I didnt love drawing so much I would tear my eyes out. I feel everything, and the idea that I value and place judgements, idolize and demonize, hate and love based off of uncontrollable aspects of appearance makes me sick. Everyone does it sure, but not to the extent I do. If what my eyes create does not overpower what they destroy by the time I am 30 I must kill myself or poke them out. I am not crazy in the sense that im not in control, or trying to be romantic here, just able to see my flaws and the harm they might bring to people I love. Even when the intentions seem good, by nature and hidden subcomscious associations and foundations I may harm what I love the most because the nature of my love comes from a negative place. I maintain normalcy in my life but every now and then the thoughts I only put here bubble up into real life as this one has, too true to ignore and I speak it into existence and am shattered completely as my friends move away out of fear, being the stable person in their lives. Its the same sort of fear that would come if a great peace leader suddenly advocated war, and the comparison of that to a lack of shock hearing a dictator say the same. The very essence of my being to them floating away. And yet im still incredibly stable. I am not thought of as stable I am, I maintain more composure, have more patience, takes far more for me to show any inner upset. Yet my words and thoughts don't reflect the action. I think it confuses my friends more than anything to have the rock in your life speak and think things that only somebody who is completely unstable would say. So when I have any inclination to really do something everyone leaves. If I cry in front of someone people leave slowly because they are disillusioned with what they thought I was all about. They arent trying to be mean, they wouldnt pinpoint it on me crying, but its the start.

>>6613 I used to play A LOT od tetris when I was a kid, had a thing called "tetris effect". Basically it is when you play a game so long that you can't stop playing it in your head. Whenever I had those few seconds between doing something I would get somewhat like a visual hallucination of tetris screen and a way to put a block down. I don't remember getting perfect shape blocks for a part of screen I saw, as I remember it. I just got part after part and made mistakes frequently.

I don't give a shit about myself. I didn't just blow my fuarrrking head because my parents are alive yet.

>>6632 Also, I fucked a married woman. Holy crap, I feel so bad about that.

I have been slowly falling back into a deep depression. It's almost the one year anniversary my mom was killed. I'm getting closer and closer to turning 30 years old with no accomplishments achieved in my life. I have extreme anxiety, can't drive a vehicle, can't find a job, can't function as a productive member of society, and I'm not really good at anything. I've been feeling I have no purpose in my life. I'd love to just figure out one thing I'm good at or something I could try out that would make me happy. I need to have some sort of self-worth in my life. I also have no friends or a social life. Most of my social interactions are on imageboards with anonymous posters such as on here as well as other "altchans". I just wish I knew what direction to take in my life and where to start. I lost control somewhere along the way and never gained it back or found my true reason to live.

>>6630 Tetris effect was my life. I guess being unable to mess up is my thing ? I thought it worked like that universally, because humans cannot really make up random numbers. I wonder what is going on in my head to cause this.

I like doing drugs and partying but its slowly feeling like I mostly can't anymore, or maybe that I shouldnt have ever. Like im just not stable enough to deal with those ups and downs I might really kill myself in a bad mood one day after because my serotonin and dopamine is just gone and when i feel like that I dont have the sense to recognize its just a mood. Plus every time ive gone to a party now I feel like im wasting my time, I withdraw and stop talking pretty quick. I always go remembering the few times I really connected with someone or just had long ass coked out conversations but now I have more of a party taking some adderall and studying and doing the most woth a friend, and I dont feel nearly as soykafty after because I got so much done. Im just so antisocial and a loner, but is that my nature? Is the desire I feel to form connections one born out of societal pressure or is it really my desire. Would I develop the most alone only focusing on work, being sad and depressed but having accomplished a lot? I feel like I offer nothing to anyone, I can never organize things for me and friends to go to because I do not feel that urge others feel to do something. I will sit alone in my room because its safer, I dont have to worry if people wont like what I propose or if il be in the mood to talk/have the energy. I have the patience and the tolerance for loneliness to do that.

>>6641 I guess it has something to do with both the emotional state and general pattern seeking nature of humans. I was in rough patch at that time so my general vibe was paranoia and reckless overdriving my own body and mind beyond my capabilities. Pattern seeking was kinda shut down when you play tetris all night long to feed your escapism. The tetris effect just continued the escapism into the day.

>>6640 Jesus fuarrrking christ Stop watching the movies about the protagonist being "the one". Real world isn't that. Go do something you enjoy doing and do that at every turn when you can. Stop worrying about "being the best". Stop worrying about being recognised by others and getting money/attention. You just do what you like doing, everything else will come it's way.

>>6640 PS >I just wish I knew what direction to take in my life and where to start Start with baby steps. Look around yourself, what can you change with little bit of effort and time? Do that. Then get to other things. >I also have no friends or a social life Is that "boo hoo poor me" or "this is what I need to change with my life"? If it's the latter, find people you would like to associate with and then try making some friends.

i'm going to fail a course because i spent the last month downloading eroge and fapping instead of studying i dont even know if i want to graduate and continue my career, or if i want to just barely graduate and go into industry, or if i want to just rot at the bottom of a river

>>6686 buddy! i think the nofap thing is stupid ive tried it and its never boosted anything for me but in your case thats kinda crazy. You might even wanna look into drugs that decrease sex drive like SSRI's. I think I jack off a little too much but its never interrupted my work like that. I know its a bit embarassing but you gotta see a therapist man, your college probably has some counselors which are usually equally trained. Trust me they have heard far worse, and they will ease you into the topic, all you have to do is introduce it and they are literally trained to approach it in a comfortable way. You don't have to tell anyone, it's just for your health. Like really im being serious you probably HAVE to do this, if you want to stop im giving you your ticket right here. I dont know what sort of aversions or judgements you might have to it but please try letting em go, just try it. Nobody here is gonna be able to help you like that, its an addiction. Ive had drug addictions and honestly its the same, you really can't or rather are making things way difficult for yourself by not getting some help. And if your lazy like me any sort of difficulty is enough to make you not. The only advice I can give right now is, as silly as this sounds for something like this, you have to make jacking off an impossibility in your mind or only reserved for when you have absolutely all of your work done. Not only have I had drug addictions im just an addictive person in general so before college I was hardcore addicted to video games. When I cut that out my free time opened up, and due to me saying I CANT play video game I found other ways to preoccupy my time. Often doing work or for once in my life making friends. Your brain has to do something so the solution really is as simple as cutting it out. For the first week maybe you might just sit around and cry for that time you usually wasted but after that youl get sick of it naturally. But again thats why im saying see somebody because they will be able to remind you of this and keep you straight. pleaaaase do this. so many people with so much potential on this board, id give this advice to all of them but especially you because I dont want you to have to accept you jacked off your way to failure. Lets make it stay at one course. Again if its any comfort I failed a whole semester got put on academic probation and lowkey tried to kms by binging and now im getting A's and B's, so you can recoup from a course. lets get it friend. also hopefully if your not gonna be premptive about it actually failing the course will kick you into gear. Thats what happened for me, not to project but I think its universal that a disaster will always cause some kind of change in us.

>>6688 i can't really say i have a particularly active sex drive, i just see fapping as a daily routine that i get done, but the urge to edge is quite strong for me its more of an issue of "easily distracted by things", whether that's eroge or various other vidya, its just hard for me to force myself to start studying unless its probably already too late or if i'm genuinely interested in the subject i usually give myself a ton of time to get stuff done and usually do get it done, but i just can't bring myself to give a soykaf about some of the courses i'm taking due to a slowly draining pool of motivation i'm well aware that failing and realizing what you're doing wrong kicks you in the ass and gets you going but lately i feel like i've been defaulting to "well, so what if i fail?" and not really trying to improve myself as a result there's a good chance i wont actually fail the course/exam but some part of me thinks that's worse than failing outright i've had moments where i just didn't feel like gaming and wanted to get work done but those are far and few inbetween i don't know, i've yet to find a way to access school counselors due to egregious amounts of red tape, maybe i'll take a crack at it again over the summer or in the new term

I found out three days ago that I have split personalities. I just never really considered it'd be something that bad. There's therapy to fix it, but I feel like ending it. im not sure if i can take it. The confusion and guilt and bruises after I "wake up" I can't control it, but still it haunts me. i can't not feel responsible. My mom thinks I do it on purpose because I never told her any of the things that caused it up to this day. I'm so worried about the ones i love. I've said awful things i don't remember. I don't know anyone who has something like this. I just want to get better and be able to live my life without this ruining everything. ..soykaf i don't rember writing the part about me ending it.

>>6170 Well, I've had just about enough of my sister. This is a bit of a long post, but I just need to get it out there. I'm in college, so I had an idea that things were going badly in my house while I was away, but I didn't know the extent to which they got to. Alright, so background info. My sister is addicted to the internet. Well, less to the internet and more to wasting as much time as possible with technology. If unchecked, she'll stay up until three in the morning doing Lain-knows-what or texting to her "friends" (which, given how much of a soykafty influence they are, I'm hesitant to even call them that). This was a known issue, and my parents basically took away her phone and any/all devices that could connect to the internet (and strictly limiting her internet access on the family computer). Although a bit harsh, I understood that this was out of my parents wanting my sister to do better in school. And for a while, her grades improved! She started getting a lot more sleep, was taking her medications regularly, and things seemed to be going upwards and onwards. Unfortunately, something happened, and she somehow found the phone my parents took and connected to the internet (despite said parents having changed the password on the wifi. I think what ended up happening was that she stole my dad's laptop and used a hotspot of sorts. Anyway, we didn't find this out until later). Here's where things get bad. My sister was showing signs of relapse, so to speak; she was getting more aggressive, having "a lot of trouble sleeping" (this was entirely due to staying up late and texting her friends), and other such signs. My mom had the suspicion that she had been using the phone, but she couldn't prove it. One day when she was cleaning the house, my mom heard a ring from my sister's phone. She quickly went to her room and saw her stuffing her phone in her bra (ew). My mom gently asked for her to give the phone and she straight up denied it (why would she hide something if she knew it was allowed?). Things escalated, and when my mom got closer to her, my sister started kicking her and punching/scratching my mom. Hard. My mom tells me this on our way from the airport to our house, and I'm just in complete fuarrrking shock. My mom's the least confrontational person you could meet, and she had bruises on her arm. She even got a chance to get a video, which was just fuarrrking awful to look at (the camera was kicked out, so we didn't see the violence, but we definitely heard punches and my mom falling down). In the video, my sister even told my mom she hopes she gets deported (even though she's a US citizen. My sister isn't the sharpest bulb in the shed, so to speak). But the *really* incriminating thing in the video is the fact that, despite the fact that my sister began the violent attack, she was crying "ASSAULT~~" the whole way through, just so it would be easier for her to make the case against my parents. So I'm already pissed off at my sister. She's had the same fuarrrking opportunities as everyone else in my family, and she's throwing it away. She doesn't fuarrrking realize how good she has it. But fine. teenagers occasionally do stupid soykaf. Whatever, right? But here's where things get really fuarrrked. A couple of days after I arrived, we notice she's a bit late from school. My parents had agreed with her that she would walk from school (10-15 min walk. Literally two blocks), and it was already getting close to 30 minutes past. So my dad and I go to school, he asks the nice lady at the counter if they know where she is, and she's at the counselor's office! Turns out, she's crying crocodile tears and saying how she has all these mental issues. My dad and I walk in (he walks in, I'm asked to sit outside, but I can still here what's going on). Right after my dad walks in, she changes the conversation about how she wants to commit suicide. Now, I've actually known people that have committed suicide, and I 'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist, so I can't be 100% sure about this, but my sister's proven to be a manipulative scumbag. She's not above using (empty threats of) suicide to get her own way. Again, I can't know for sure, but her pattern of behavior definitely suggests this. So now my dad looks incriminated. My sister takes a bunch of things he's said out of context to make him look as bad as possible, and it almost works, but the counselors are keen on having the two of them reach an agreement. Eventually, they "agree" on letting my sister spend more time with her friends through her phone. The rest of the week goes by without too much going wrong (through her actions, she's made it clear that she isn't really interested in spending more time with the family). But yeah. That's where things stand. Trust me. The whole mental health issue thing is something that can be taken 50 different ways out of context. But I've known her for 17 years. And I've seen her morph into this disgusting shell of a human being that lies, deceives, and uses violence against our younger family members to get what she wants. From what I've seen, she's not above using something as serious as suicide to get what she wants. My parents are unfortunately against a wall here. They're going to play the nice parents for a couple of months longer, but they're gonna kick her out of the house (and she said she wants to leave. Despite all this, my parents have made it clear that they'd be willing to help fund her college education). I guess the thing that bothers me is that she can't even see the path she's going towards. She somehow has a boyfriend (and pathetically enough, due to how limited her internet access is, she's sending videos to him over google fuarrrking classroom), and we don't know how old he is (and whether he's a legal adult or not). She's doing terribly in school, and she doesn't really have any useful skills. The other thing the bothers me is how much she's wasted. She's wasted her time, my parents time, all the opportunities presented to her. If you made it this far, then thank you for listening to my story. If there's a moral to be had, it's that "Everybody deserves a second chance. No one deserves a third", and if you have any comments on it, lemme know. I'd be interested in hearing others' perspectives on this.

>>6399 You can think without immediately making progress, I think. You can program without thinking. Sometimes I think, think, think, and then bam~ one measly line of code Or at least, I think I answered what you were trying to say. Your post sounds like a Lewis Carroll character! I like it!

>>6310 No one's born with all the answers Not that this'll be incredibly helpful, but if this happens again, try taking a step back and seeing some of the trends you're seeing. Is it a particular type of problem you have trouble with? Is it the way the author frames a solution? What can you learn from the solution and how can you apply it to future problems? I find the simple questions to be most conductive to learning.

>>6310 It's not just you. Anytime I look at a proof in an analysis textbook I just stare at it until I give up and decide to look up the solution, and its either something along the lines of "the proof is left up to the reader" or its something the author pulled out of his ass with assumptions or random declarations all over the place. When it comes to programming, I'd recommend doing a bunch of practice problems and maybe even puzzle games (would recommend the glory that is Zachtronics) to learn/practice/improve the kind of thinking that makes programming easier.

Last night I killed myself in a dream, I only call it a dream because the following moment I was in my bed. I've attempted a few times in my life, and lately it's been on my mind again. Now I'm terrified I'm living in some kind of unending purgatory. It was so real, Lain. I think it was real.

>>6404 I can be your friend.

>>6720 I wish I had some actual decent advice to give you, but I'm a retard when it comes to dealing with people. Unfortunately, it seems your sister has become a burden on your family, and even worse than that, a poison. I might come off as cold, but, I don't see how having her in the house will bring anything positive to your family, or for her. Since she doesn't want to improve at all and hates her family, apparently. Honestly, from what you've said, imagine the amount of soykaf that would happen if she started even using the law against your father or mother (since you already said she has no problem doing that kind of things), she could lie and get your family in trouble. I know it must be very hard to deal with this. I can't really give you much advice since despite me being a weirdo with no friends or social interaction, my family(parents and brother) are great with me and we get along well, for the most part. Maybe if your sister gets in a position where she has to work and provide for herself, she will realize what she's doing with her life.

>>6720 This might actually be a very common problem. My sister has exactly the same issues. Overuse of social networks fried her brain. She is constantly angry, depressed and manipulative. One time she posted on twitter that she is going to kill herself. Someone noticed that and informed the police in our city. Police came soon after, together with psychiatrist and they took her to the hospital. She spent close to a month there. Once she came back home things improved, but after few weeks it was same as before. She had lost it again and threatened to kill herself. We luckily somehow managed to convince her to calm down and go to bed. It's a tricky situation to be in. I know that she uses "killing myself" tactic to manipulate and control us, if things were that bad, you would just do what needs to be done without telling anyone. Other than social networks, I don't see what else could have caused this. I'm living in same environment as her and don't have any mental issues. I don't use any of those services that she uses, so I could block them on router, but that would certainly cause more issues. Maybe doing some traffic shaping, deliberately causing gradual decrease in bandwidth allocated to those services and adding random disconnections would make her stop using those things so much. What worries me that even more people are like this. It has gotten to that point that I am very wary of people that use social networks, they could become unstable at any time. I especially avoid girls that exhibit this behavior. Just recently one such girl seemed to be interested in me, she is a heavy facebook used. It's so sad when you see a potentially nice person ruined by social media abuse. Naturally, I avoid and ignore her as much as possible.

>>6726 How else do you think we ended up in this soykafhole? We’re doomed to keep respawning until we find a way to beat this game.

>>6720 This is completely the opposite of what you usually hear here. If only you could combine the suicidal people lainons with maniacs like her.

>>6729 Thanks for reading it, guys. It's pretty reassuring for someone to affirm that the situation is indeed "fouled" up beyond all repair, and I'm glad I could find a sympathetic ear to listen to something I can't really talk to anyone but one or two of my really close friends about. It's an absolute shame what's going on, but Kovacs brings up a good point: these sorts of things will only become more common as time goes on. If I ever become lucky enough to become a parent, I'll need to have a serious talk about technology and responsibility. >>6732 > My sister has exactly the same issues. Damn. I'm really sorry to hear that, buddy. I wish I could offer some help, but I don't know what to do or how to cope with these things. Hope things improve on your end.

I'm legitimately ugly. Girls cross the street when I walk by and I overheard one say to another that I looked like a rapist or school shooter. One called me the ugliest guy she had ever seen. I'm not fat or deformed. I guess I was just unlucky at birth. It's been slowly eating away at my confidence for a while. I know that no matter how confident I act or how much I improve myself I'll always look like le 56% face.

>>6751 Don't worry about the opinions of shallow meatspace puppets and just work on getting some useful skills from which you can provide for yourself. Hell, do exceptionally well and become a millionaire or something, and those same meaty soykafstains will beg you for a share. That's when you smile and say "Yuck, get away from me! Disgusting 3D pig!"

Then the time comes to war-tier situations I feel really soykafty. It's like my whole life (19 years) is nothing but empty void. I never been outside of my country, I never did any drugs, never had sex or relationship with girl, never been alone in the woods, just enjoying nature. Didn't even have real friends. The only actual "accomplishment" I have is some soykafty scripts I wrote. Yes, I went to Moscow one time, but all I have seen are the same dark commieblocks filled with people I don't know. Last year all I have been doing is rewatching old movies, rereading old PDFs, replaying same games, listening to the same music albums, remasturbating at the same pornography. And now at the edge of the war I feel nothing but endless sadness going across space and time, galaxies and stars, slowly decaying my inner self. I was going in circles, refusing to learn or try anything new because old stuff gave me the sense of stability and comfortness. Any of you guys feel the same?

>>6765 I have a few ideas about sadness and happiness, stability etc. which are ultimately just projection. One is that with some differences as a result of depression and the like, we all ultimately feel the same levels of sadness, loneliness, etc. The second is that we all have different tolerances for how lonely, sad, and bored we can be. That those who have loads of friends and make tons of connections feel a NEED for that many and that is what drives them. One person can sit alone in their room for 8 hours watching movies, and another persons drive to meet people would force them out within the first few in spite of fears of social failure/anxieties etc. So that ultimately, everyone does experience social anxiety, apprehension and the like. Yet it all comes down to a balance of the strength of the need, strength of the fear. Overall I like to see it as "How much boredom can you tolerate" because for me social interaction is the only thing that's fun and interesting, so thats what it comes down to for me. I can handle quite a bit and this is what I attribute to my lack of friends (although I have quite a few, but I know some people who can't be more than a day or even a few hours without hanging out with someone). So in my mind, it actually isn't that one would be more of a loser, that one is more lonely, they simply have a higher tolerance for these things and can bear more pain. As sad as that is, I guess what i'm saying is those who can bear more boredom and pain will always. So there isn't anything to be ashamed of, or upset about. You feel endless sadness in my opinion because you can feel that, some can not. Some would reach a point where they MUST do something about it. It's only a partially false connection that I think "I bear more pain so others don't have to". It's false that its that direct, but it expresses like this in many ways. When friends are sad or lonely, they can rely on me much more despite the fact they may be hurting me at the same time as one does when they are in a very negative head space. I get very little in return, because I (going with my thinking) don't need as much. This elevates them so long as I don't make them guilt over it. Such is the life of sadboyz. If you can learn to be a servant to the world around you while simultaneously not giving more than your emotions and protecting yourself a bit, being steadfast in your limits and what kind of things you will take you can be a great boon to those around you while engaging in some novel experiences and warmth. At little cost to yourself, other then a letting go of the recognition that you will be the main character. Instead you will live vicariously through the lives of people you meet.

>>6494 I gave her an ultimatum. I told her either she becomes my girlfriend or leave forever. I know it's stupid. I know it's childish. I know it's a fuarrrking bullsoykaf. But I did it anyway. The reason? I don't even know. I just couldn't burden those feelings anymore. I felt like I was about to explode at any minute. I just couldn't. Well, it seems like she has choose the second option. I can't blame her. In fact, it's all my fault. I'm stupid. I know. Well, it can't be helped anyway. I just have to deal with the consequences and move on. It wasn't the best for two of us. I know it goddamit. I know it wasn't. But I am selfish. I'm so fuarrrking selfish and stupid. And if I wasn't meant to be like that... then I don't want it at all. I don't want it. I'd rather living alone than living with someone who obviously just is making fun of me, watching me suffering everyday with those feelings. I don't want that.

>>6751 Statistically, more girls are raped by their fathers or their dates. Getting grabbed by some guy on the street is not so common. Someone should tell them.

>>6773 Yep you fuarrrked it but somehow I can understand why you did this. But I don't really get the end of your post about being with someone who is making fun of you. Was it that girl? Because I didn't get that from your previous post. If yes, it's better to let her go. But if no, maybe try to get yourself together and talk to her again, admit that you were stupid and childish for that moment. Don't push too hard and perhaps there is a chance she will give you another try. And seriously, work on yourself, manage your emotions and feelings. Start meditating because it really helps a lot. Right now it looks like you're a mess, I was like that too and believe me, you can overcome this. And if she won't give you another chance, don't worry. It will be hard at first but it will pass. And for god's sake do't tell her or any other women to leave forever if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend because you sound like a 15 year old kid. Don't cut out all of the contact with her. I got rejected also couple of times but I try to keep it on the friendship level. Accept her decision but if you get along, just stay around as a friend. But it will be possible only when you won't allow your emotions to control you. I know it sound like some philosophical esoteric mumbo jumbo and soykaf but it's true at least for me

>>6776 >15yo kid Those are probably the consequences of a 8-months isolation. Like, it can't be helped. If I'd talk to her again, she would probably agree and would hang out with me again, but I simply don't want that. Like I've said, it's childish as fuarrrk and I don't take pride on any of it, actually it makes me feel ashamed, in fact it is a shame, hence is why I can only talk about this here. Yeah, it was meant to be her, but I have only said that because I got irritated for some reason while writing the post. I've been taking antidepressant, and it seems like I've got myself to be tired and / or frustrated way more easily. The problem of controlling emotions is that it is so fuarrrking hard, at least for me. Well, it must be way easier to someone who doesn't have a fuarrrked up mind such as myself. I must admit: I have admiration for people such as yourself. People who can control their emotions and manage to hide them / erase them and have a good relationship for someone which you have strong feelings to. I find it amazing because I can't.

>>6778 Of course it's hard to control your emotions but thanks to this is feels really great when you finally succeed. And don't admire me, I struggle a lot with this, very often failing to the point when I want to just sit in the corner and cry because of how weak I am. But I try to not give up, keep going. And relationships are hard, actually I never was able to sustain a long term relationship and feel really soykafty about myself bcause of that. Now I am again alone and it's hard to stand but giving up is the worst you can do. Observe and use every failure to learn something new. And back to the first part of your post, you should decide what do you really think about this girl. Because from your first post I got the impression that she is the only bright element in your life, the only person you feel good around, next you write that she makes fun of you and your suffering and now you say that you don't want to hang out with her because not. I get that it might be because antidepressants and it's probably hard for you to sustain one solid worldview. From what I see in these 3 posts I would say don't give up on her, keep around. Even if she never fall in love with you you might get a really good and real friend who will help you get through rough times in your life. Anons can help you but at some point you will need a real human being next to you or you will lose your mind and become one of this strange guys everyone is afraid of. And seriously try some meditation. It's free, doesn't take long time and after a month you will really see some improvement in controlling your thoughts and emotions. Or maybe try some therapy, I never went to any but some anons said that it helped them a lot. Anyway, good luck and don't give up.

>>6780 Thanks. I'm sorry for leaving it for the interpratation. Well, what I want is simple: I want her love. I want to feel her touch close to mine. I want to feel her body. I want to both of us to be together. I want her to be my lover. It might sound selfish, but that's how I think; what I was refering when I said "I don't want that" was the fact that she doesn't seem me as such, and thus I should just leave it behind. She doesn't seen me as a lover, I'm just a friend, her best friend by what she told me, but still, due to my lack of experience on controlling my emotions, I often feel like we're lovers, and then I realise we aren't. She's a great person and deserves the best, still I can't just ignore my feelings in order to mantain this relationship, simply because it is impossible for me. I can't. No fuarrrking way.If i can't have her all to me, then I don't want nothing of her at all. I would try, but I don't know. I don't know about those things. Where to begin and etc. I might try some research and post my results throughout the thread. Then again, thanks, talking with people about it, even if it is online it's a great help.

>>6784 I'm glad you felt better thanks to this talk. If you can't really function as a friend with her maybe you're right to let go. She won't fall in love with you now, that's for sure, you just created too much of expectations with what you said to her. But still I believe that if you stayed as friends, no creepy talks about love, touching and feeling her body, she might start to have some feelings towards you in time. After all you said at the beginning that you talked about stuff and were pretty close. Serious relationships are not all about passion but more about trust and feeling good around somebody, so in time maybe something will develop between you. But it depends if you are willing to take that risk and probably struggle with this at the beginning. And of course there is a chance I am wrong. My overall philosophy is don't try too hard, the harder you try, the harder you fail so take it easy, go with the flow, don't be a control freak

KHV here. I do very badly with intimacy. I hate discussing what I'm thinking and feeling with others. Sometimes, on rare occasions, I let things slip that I regret later, but for the most part I use irony to ensure that nobody really knows my beliefs or what I think except for me. I can make people laugh, but intimate and deep relationships continue to elude me, despite my desire for one. Likely my issues are connected to my lifelong self esteem problems. I have a hard time seeing myself in a positive light and I often feel that I don't deserve to be happy. Not only do I struggle with relationships, I actively avoid taking action that might result in one, because deep down, I feel like I am unworthy. There are moments where I feel, just a tiny bit, that maybe I can do more than I give myself credit for. Times when, through accident or just random events I end up talking to someone and getting along really well, or when I speak with a friend in private and feel relieved instead of apprehensive. These are rare.

I'd like to say something but putting down thoughts is too tiring.

Don't know where else to ask, so here goes: How do I know when or if I should introduce myself? In situations like some loose form meeting/moment/activity, like coffee moment between Christian students for example, or maybe hostel dorms... I have no idea what to do in situations like these. I'm a complete social retard due to years of isolation.

>>6819 When you are meeting someone for the first time and you will be talking to him or be with him in the same room for some time just say hello, I'm anon. I guess that's enough. But sometimes if it's just a small talk or some casual conversation on a party or something like that it's ok to skip the introduction and just talk.

I have nothing nice to do, and no mood for anything useful to do so I decide to finally read this thread. Almost halfway in but it soykafs to being gender-bullsoykaf. Holy fuarrrk why do people care so much about this? Gender as a concept has become more cancer than political views these last few years.

>>6832 They give a damn about it because it heavily influences their daily life. >>6819 If you're with a friend of yours, say hello and wait till the conversation shifts to be about you (at which point you will be introduced). Introducing yourself to another person alone is heavily depended on context. Most of the time it won't be important to know how you are, but rather what you have to say. Don't beat yourself up. Introductions are dictated by other people. It's normal to leave without somebody else knowing who you are. >>6806 You're a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of aren't worthy of a relationship if you keep yourself down like that. Don't you have any source of pride ? Even something that some call "irrelevant" like being damn good at DDR.

This sunday is my last day of the perpetual weekend that has been my life for the 2 years. I've somehow managed to get accepted into college - and this is totally new ground; I've never made it this far before. I'm nervous, yes - but also excited.

I'm so jealous and bitter... How do I get rid of these feelings... I can't watch anime about high school romance anymore because I feel physical pain out of jealousy Pathetic I know...

>>6852 I am familiar with this. It comes back every once in a while. Nothing much you can do while its there, as its impossible to think str8. Just get away from soykaf and give yourself some time to cool off. Once you feel better try to keep busy and remind yourself that its all beneath you. God also helps. I'm sure other lainons will recommend drugs as usual, however that will only make it worse. It may seem irrational, what you're feeling, but it's not unreasonable in today's society. I'm sure if you dig a little most feel the same. Also it's perfectly normal to not be able to self-insert as some jap kid. I only watch qt SOLs as most anime is pretty cringy and dumb.

>>6852 watch watamote. I could relate to Tomoko so much. I love her.

>>6170 even though I finally got my basic life support license and will finally start college soon after dropping out previously I dont really feel any sort of joy. My depression feels like its not getting worse but as if its just stagnated and frozen. I can enjoy vidya and talking to a couple friends but it usually dosent last too long. I just want to feel happy but time after time if I ever get a modicum of joy its usually followed by despair. all we can do is wallow in our own despair anons

I guess I'm something of a contradiction. I'm strongly religious but I'm addicted to pornography. Not anything normal either. I've been told that I'm great at public speaking but I never feel confident in my speaking abilities. I often feel jocular, bubbly, and excited with others, but in private I feel like none of my relationships are very good and that I am very alone. Many people have assumed that I had a girlfriend and wondered why I didn't but I've also been told by multiple girls that I'm the ugliest guy they've ever seen. I desire an intimate relationship with a girl more than anything else but I deeply feel that I am totally unworthy of one or happiness of any kind. I have purposefully sabotaged my own relationships on multiple occasions because of this. I've been told I'm very intelligent and interesting by some people but I have a hard time believing it. I feel retarded. I feel dull, ugly, disgusting, and shameful. I feel an overpowering desire for physical intimacy more than almost anything else bur I also hate unwanted physical contact with a passion, and people touching me without asking make me incredibly uncomfortable.

>>6867 Maybe you'd have better luck finding a girl in a young adult group/activities of your church? Of course, that won't solve your desire for intimacy in short term (waiting for marriage and all that). Also, porn/masturbation is something you need to get in control. It's poison for your soul. I'll pray for you.

I am hopeless. A lost cause. The only words I've said for the past 3 weeks have been to the spider living in the corner of my room (I named him Charlie). I know all sort of things I don't want, but have no goals, plans, desires, wants. The Buddhists seem to think this is a good thing, but I say it's living hell. I stay alive because my existence is a fuarrrk you to everything. If something good happened to me I'd hate it, if someone loved me I'd push them away. Not only am I a drain on society, a useless lumpen, but I am proud! I am a lifestyle accelerationist. Every day I wake up and say "how can I make it worse". We runnin' our lives into the ground in 2018, if you still breathing in 2019 you a fake one. I tell myself as I sob into my pillow. Who knows what tomorrow may hold! >>6866 iktf lainon >>6867 Life is absurd! Embrace the contradiction!

>>6842 Good luck and godspeed, hope one of us makes it to something in life. >>6863 Tomoko is a lovable character, have you seen welcome to the nhk too? I get the feeling you might be the kind of person that would like that and be less depressed by it too. >>6866 I know how that feels, hang in there, it only gets worse when it doesnt change. >>6876 I get what you mean. Its my 28th today, still no girl, job or any other prospect or meaningful achivements in life other than being ripe to be locked up in the looney bin. I feel pretty detached from reality, selfperception and emotions of others, i lost control, i feel like my life is a slide down a waterslide knowing the inevitable concrete wall that i will crash in to one day. I gotten really lazy and careless, feels like any grip on life is gone. I have irl friends now while i like them a lot and they like me, i feel strangely disconnected from them. Oh well, life could be worse i guess.

>>6876 We are all going to die eventually anon. Don't have to lement and waste time to spite existance. Yea, it's meaningless... but only as much as you give it to be. Meaning is personal, and as you said it, there are some things that you wouldn't like to be doing. How to find what you like doing? Just stay away from what you don't and keep experimenting and doing a bunch of stuff until you catch yourself smiling while you sre totally engulfed in action of something. Some people never find that thing. Some people find multiple things at once and can't seem to find time of day to do all those things so they have to sacrifice part of themselves they love. Some people find a thing, stick for a while sometimes even for years and then get bored by it and find another thing. You seem like a smart fella so I assume you like STEM? You like understanding deep and intricate things?

>>6751 A haircut redresses or exaggerates the proportions of the face and I think makes a bigger difference than you would otherwise expect. What you want to do is wash it very thoroughly on the day beforehand else things like the fringe on the front will carry weight from grease or mildew and measure up differently, so it'll end up one of those haircuts that wasn't cut properly and falls into your eyes all of the time - do not underestimate it for I'm talking multiple passes with whatever shampoo you have. You want to explain to the guy how you normally wear it (and that this but shorter/sculpted to avoid the eyes, is how you want it) and then you want to pay the guy properly. $25 minimum. Compared to your ugly face that is not much of a (monetary) burden is it??

Why am I getting depressed when it's becoming spring/summer? It's totally reversed to normal people who get the feelios in winter instead. I like the sunny weather but when I see all those cheerful people outside, I guess that's too much of a punch in the face for me since I hardly have any people to spend time with leisurly - or much freetime at all anyway. This fox and grapes situation is so futile, makes me lose all motivation for life itself.

>>6726 What is real anyway?

>>6881 >You seem like a smart fella so I assume you like STEM? I am neither smart nor do I like STEM. I used to be very into physics as a kid and was planning to do that until I discovered I am terrible at math / hate doing math / might have dyscalculia (according to a medical professional, but I never actually got diagnosed.) So then my life was left without meaning and now we're here. I make music now, but sadly there's not really money in that. I don't mind being poor but I do like not starving to death. My ideal life would be to live in a cabin a thousand miles away from any "society" with just a load of music equipment and an internet connection. With plenty of heroin and lsd. And I'd sometimes hold performances with other musicians in my backyard and I'd start fights with audience members and other bands. Then I'd shoot myself in the face when I turn 27. >You like understanding deep and intricate things? I used to like thinking I understood things. Not so much any more. I don't think things can be understood, not really. If they can then not by me.

>>6263 Tell me about yourself. About your political and religious views, preferences in music and movies. About your temperament and the possible philosophy you adhere to. Be as detailed as possible.

>>6889 Welcome to the club, dont take it so hard maybe you meet some people one day. Being outside and stuff is less depressing than being inside and keep wondering what if, trust me i know that from experience.

>tfw 2/10 face >tfw creepy smile >tfw friends all say I could make it and find someone if I tried but I never believe them >tfw rejected every time I've asked a girl out >tfw even girls I just try to be friendly to act cold and disgusted >tfw manlet >tfw first girl I was ever interested in rejected me harshly and screwed my best friend instead >tfw even if someone said yes I would screw it up anyway >tfw no gf ever

>>6899 At least you aren't a manlet without friends like me.

>>6894 >maybe you meet some people one day I do meet people in university but I'm too socially retarded to make legit friendships out of them - like meeting the people outside of uni or something. Keep thinking who the fuarrrk wants to hang with a dull guy like me anyway. >Being outside and stuff is less depressing than being inside and keep wondering what if, trust me i know that from experience. I don't know man. The bitterness of not getting the grapes is so overwhelming at times that I'm glad when back home and distracting myself with internet or whatever.

Long story short I made a big mistake two years ago and I've been paying the price ever since. I was/am your typical nerdy loser. I had no actual friends outside of school and my interests amounted to consuming internet pop culture. It's 2015, I've just finished my degree though I've learned nothing. I somehow manage to get an amazing job and I have a small group of people I play games with in my free time. If I had put in the effort in this job I could have been making fat stacks with great benefits and an easy commute. Instead, I constantly bitched about it because it's my first real job and I wasn't used to losing so much time and energy. My group of 'friends' are dicks to me and I'd disappear every once in a while when I got tired of being soykaf on. I'd always come back though because I don't have anything else to fall back on. On top of this I had/have pretty bad depression and considered ending it often. It's now early 2016 and my 'friends' are still dicks but we have a decent dynamic which I've gotten used to. I quit my job because I figured I needed to find something in life that I'd enjoy doing and if I didn't find it by the time my savings ran out I'd just kill myself. A genius plan. Just before I quit my job half of my 'friends' stop talking to me out of the blue. I can't find my life's passion and I can't find a new job to keep myself afloat. I get new neighbors who are junkies that blast music until 2-3am on weekdays. I don't have the balls to kill myself. Two years go by filled with nothing but a quick stint in a job I hated culminating in being fired. No achievements or any kind of personal progress happen during this time. Just me wallowing in my thoughts and regret for two years. What really annoys me about all this though is that I sometimes reminisce about the time I spent with those people. They were real pieces of work and yet I miss having fun with them. I'm not even annoyed by what they did, I'm more annoyed that I keep thinking of them while I haven't crossed their mind in years. I'm now 24, I live/leech off of a relative, I'm fat, I have bad hygiene, I have no money, no skills, no friends, no gf, no job and no hobbies. I go months at a time without going outside. The lack of social life has stunted my ability to talk, I feel so slow and my wit has just disappeared completely. I'm trying to get my programming skills to a hireable level in order to dig my way out of this soykaf but progress is slow. Sorry for the wall of text, I didn't expect to type so much.

I never thought anyone cared about me, I always thought my classmates invited me out because we were forced to stay 6h together in the same room and since we talked they felt obligated to. Today I found out they're worried about my mental health and are afraid I'll kill myself, and thought I behaved differently with them and not showing my real behavior, which I didn't do. Now I feel miserable, miserable for thinking so low of them, for thinking they only felt obligated, to the point maybe I didn't even see them as friends but people who were forced to be me with me.

>>6909 > The lack of social life has stunted my ability to talk, I feel so slow and my wit has just disappeared completely. Oh, it comes back fast once you are around people regularly again. It's the least of your troubles I think.

>>6902 >I do meet people in university but I'm too socially retarded to make legit friendships out of them - like meeting the people outside of uni or something. I have friends but to be honest i have no idea how to make new friends on my own, i just tag along and let things happen. >Keep thinking who the fuarrrk wants to hang with a dull guy like me anyway. Sometimes being the quiet or listening guy can be appreciated by people. Obviously if theres a too large distance between you and others then it will be hard to connect. But its not all hopeless, even i somehow made friends. Though i have been thinking of trying to make friends on my own but i have no idea how to do it, i think i will try regardless. >>6909 That just fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but modern life is like kicking dead whales down the beach, i think you should try to hold out and look for something beyond it all. Life often goes like that for people like us, we need to find a way out of this soykaf, feeling soykaf about yourself doesnt help anyone. >>6910 Dont take it too hard, its reasonable to think of people youre stuck with as nothing more but accomplices. What evidence did you have that were genuine and why would they care about you? If they dont know the real you how can they care about you?

I dont believe we have any control of ourselves/our behaviour but I also believe we do. I just dont know how it happens that this control is executed. It is not, and this is fact to me, how we know free will. I dont believe we choose to think anything, where do our thoughts come from is how I see it? When you really get down its a link, you can trace a thought to a previous thought but eventually it seems to have just popped in or came from the environment. Yet I think we can choose which thoughts to hold onto? Which thoughts we pay attention to? I have grown the position that there is nothing I want to change about myself because I cant by force. There is things that would be nice to change, but now I say "thats not your way, at least yet". Am I giving up or am I actually moving forward by thinking this. I realize comparitively I have lost all push to impress people but most people my age havent. I see no good in it though, when people try to impress or judge me it seems kind of silly and doesnt work. Ive also lost interest in sharing any knowledge I have unless the person asks. Again is this good or bad? I know most people show off to find others who also know about it and gain credibility from the other person if the shared knowledge is something both sides value. I think I surprise people a lot which is nice. Often times someone will be telling me about something I know about and I dont feel any kind of irritation in just sitting through it and I usually am still interested because I like hearing how they choose to explain it. But at the end il jump to some question I have about the topic beyond what info they gave me, because I forget I wasnt sharing what I knew. Most people are just pleasantly surprised as I dont ask if I think they know less than me. But again showing off seems to make people friends. I think this all might stem from my desire to have friends that are forever. I know building up my reputation or credibility makes me a thing. I used to be a class clown type in elementary and middle school but slowly stopped in highschool because I felt like some kind of thing people only stuck around if it is entertaining them. I also didnt like the pressure of my friends trying to show me to their friends and putting me on the spot. I slowly developed anxiety and could no longer be funny except with my closest friends. Either I tripped too much or just stopped caring because ive also mostly forgotten about social conventions. Like im aware of when im being annoying or too much and I usually am not, but in terms of very small things I stopped seeing meaning in. I dont have the energy if I do something awkward to be embarassed by it anymore, like I can run into a pole in public and feel no shame at all. Or in conversation I think I say things that people dont know how to respond to a lot because im not saying them looking for anything. I know at one point in my life I think I thought a lot about "How would someone respond to this" but ive stopped entirely. I do attribute this maybe to tripping, because of how it sort of gives you an entirely new perspective. I had many bad trips realizing very basic things such as changes in inflection or certain ways of describing things probably did not look how I thought they did to other people, and that the reaction/impression I thought it had bore no relation to reality. Its also made me entirely disillusioned with places like this which is a good example for real life, I used to be hyperaware of how people on chans see certain things. Like now I get called a bormie, or autustic, or edgy whatever because while I could phrase it all a certain way where it doesnt provoke those comments ive forgotten how to be anything but myself and how I naturally think. Like I have no conception and my brain basically refuses to think about what kind of assumptions youd make about me from what ive typed here and the way I did. I think maybe it sounds narcissistic but I literally always use that word when I force myself to analyze how anything I write (and say too to a lesser extent) comes across. I guess what im saying is ive become a very flowy person, who is unconcerned or at best refuses to be concerned for very long about how I come across. I dont have no ego, I have a bit of one. If I had none I think if behave much more eratically cause my brain works as such. Often times I want to wave hi to a statue or do something silly because it would be funny to me iin public and dont, thats probably the extent of my ego. I just dont know if im happier like this, or would be happier if I forced and strained to "develop myself" and then resigned back to this after acquiring new skills. I also dont know if thats even possible. While ive done that and changed in the past, I think its equally likely just things going on in my environment at the same time caused the change.

According to my friends most guys have 2-3 girls interested in them during school, and a good portion have more. Is that normal? Really? I've never had that experience. No girl has ever been interested in me and certainly not more than one. I've never had a 'secret admirer' or someone with a crush on me. Heck, I never got play-married in kindergarten even though plenty did. Is there something wrong with me? Am I really that ugly?

>>6931 to me, it just sounds like you aren't paying attention so long as you exist in physical space, and more so if you speak or provide any sort of neutral or positive content to evaluate, in a mixed group of people there are inevitably going to be some amount of them which find you attractive if these people are the sort that you would be interested in is much more uncertain try online dating!

>>6931 One of my friends is one of the most beautiful girls I've seen. Has over 1000 matches on tinder just from a few months of using it. She knows consciously because of this that she is attractive, yet subconsciously thinks she is ugly because for most of her life it has seemed that way. I am the same, we actually met because despite having known each other in real life at one point we matched on tinder and she was trying to set up a hookup/see if she might be interested in dating. Me seeing myself as ugly thought we were just hanging out, ended up spilling a lot of stuff to her because rough point of my life, and thank god because she would have been dissapointed and I would have been embarassed and we wouldn't be friends. This was something we bonded over, we both clearly can see the other person is attractive and both have some reason to consciously be aware we are, yet again just have that subconscious belief we aren't that affects so much. Your assumption about how you look affects way more than you think. For me I really was kind of ugly from like 6th grade to throughout highschool because I didn't take care of myself. And it had to have started before that because I didn't take care of myself thinking that it would be wrong if I did, that only attractive people get to do that. Going back to my friend, she has never once been asked on a date or had someone at our college show interest. Despite so many guys finding her attractive online and then OUTSIDE of college, it's never happened with those she interacts daily with. Before I knew her well this seemed impossible, but as I got to know her I understood why and reflected on myself a bit too. We have many subconscious assumptions that sort of form our reality. As I hinted, your belief about your appearance is one of them. Somebody who subconsciously believes they are attractive does not have to go out of their way to flirt, or smile at people, or do an immeasurable number of things that make them open and inviting. They exude it, again a foundational part of their reality is "i am attractive", so every sort of interaction they have is influenced by this. For people like US it's the opposite. I can tell you some of my behaviours I noticed and whats going on in my head. I noticed now I can flirt with people I don't think are attractive, but can't even smile at somebody I think is. My brain assumes it would be creepy or annoying, because why would somebody want that kind of attention from someone as ugly as me. Me even flirting with people at all is recent, my subconscious perception of myself has changed ever so slightly to match what I logically know to be true (that I am at least slightly above average) which is why I feel I can give you this advice because whatever i'm doing is working. At parties when a girl sits by most dudes they get closer, but I shy away a bit fearing I will make them uncomfortable. As for the things I see in my friend, the way she talks to somebody she actually is interested in shows ZERO affection or interest, and in fact less than how she normally talks to people. I wouldn't be surprised if I do the same. Beyond appearance too I also have low self esteem in general, I don't feel worthy of most people im interested in. I always feel some other guy would probably be better, and that after spending significant time with me they will realize this. There was this girl who I liked very much who I didn't realize the whole time she was telling me about guys she was seeing she was hoping i'd be jealous or something. At one point I said something like "i don't care" and she said "you never care" angrily. What she was doing was stupid and unhealthy and a poor way of communicating she wanted my interest, but regardless most people who were interested in someone like that would have some reaction to them talking about other people. Yet to me I instantly dismissed my attraction to her upon her telling me about guys she was seeing because it meant I had to compete and would probably lose. I hope you can sort of see how even in the prettiest of people that disposition of "i am ugly" can make you completely unapproachable. Think if you would feel okay flirting, making a move, etc. on someone who was treating you the way you treat girls you might be interested in. The other thing to realize is most guys who are "normal" are raised a certain way I don't approve of, but regardless serves the purpose of getting girls who are also raised normal. It'd take too long for me to get into what is normal but in a gist I mean mom and dad, men are masculine and take care of and guide their feminine girls, pre millenial family structures, etc. My roommate is ugly and fat, yet still has had more romantic interactions then me because he PUSHES it. Every girl to him is just fuarrrk potential, which means 90% of the time it fails horribly but because he tries so much he still has that 10%. He also does not care if he is inadequate for a relationship, he isn't thinking if he will be good enough for his girl hes thinking the other way around. Nowadays despite me knowing I would "get girls" doing this, it has no appeal to me because I don't really like normal girls that it would work on and the ones I would like it would make uncomfortable or even come off as harassment. Many guys have no issue with being accused of harassment, they just talk with their bros and say "what a bitch". For me being raised by a single mom probably, and also only ever having female role models, girls were always "above" me. Girls meant safety and open discussion, it wasn't until I was in middle school I even had to interact with any masculine types because my other family my age I saw frequently was also girls. When I finally had to I hated it, so much ego and judgement and tests. So yeah you could just be ugly, but there is no way you are THAT ugly. Also even if you are you can actually still make it work, you just have to find a style. Most of my friends who are girls have at least a few ugly guys they would date in real life or in entertainment/media. I can say the same that there is girls I like who are ugly. Many celebrities right now are actually pretty ugly if you think about it, they just dress in a way and carry themselves in a way that turns "ugly" into "interesting". Personally I've grown to like this more, when girls look weird yet know how to make it a strong point it makes me want to be with them just because they seem interesting. This in my opinion is more true for girls even, as it's common in our society for girls to want a guy who has a presence and they are proud of. Its my personal belief everyone should feel that way but I do think its more common for girls. Don't give up, try to work on your appearance in ways you can control and realize very slowly there isn't a point in thinking your ugly or removing the negative association from that word, whichever is easier. For me its the latter, and as I remove that idea my appearance slowly has less effect on my actions. But it can take years so don't get disheartened. Remember too, getting girls and bragging about it is just a big game that you don't have to play. If someone tries to judge you for it you know you two aren't at the same place. I understand a bigger reason to want gf is loneliness, but it should stay at that and not be out of social pressure and its easy for things to get mixed up. I feel like i've said personally fifteen times here, but I personally realized I am just as happy simply having attention from girls who are my friends as I am being in a relationship. I realized that the only reason I wanted a gf is because society tells you that is how you fix that lonely spot, but that's not true there is many ways to fix that. I realized the only real reason of my own I would rather have a girlfriend versus a friend is for sex, but that I can just jack off or hookup and thats not a good enough reason to play the relationship game. hopefully this all makes sense I may or may not have taken something that is causing me to have too much fun typing.

>>6934 >Has over 1000 matches on tinder just from a few months of using it. She knows consciously because of this that she is attractive This is what online dating is like for all women. I don't think it's a good place to form theories or draw conclusions from. >There was this girl who I liked very much who I didn't realize the whole time she was telling me about guys she was seeing she was hoping i'd be jealous or something This happened to me once too. If so many guys are chasing you then go and fuarrrk them, why are you standing here telling me about it? Maybe it does work on men who are "normal" though, how would we know. >The other thing to realize is most guys who are "normal" are raised a certain way I don't approve of, but regardless serves the purpose of getting girls who are also raised normal. >For me being raised by a single mom probably, and also only ever having female role models, girls were always "above" me. Girls meant safety and open discussion, I have this problem too, looking up to women when everyone else looks down on them like sex trophies to be acquired. Judging by their success though, that does seem to be what women really want regardless of what feminists think they want at an intellectual level. >I realized the only real reason of my own I would rather have a girlfriend versus a friend is for sex, but that I can just jack off or hookup and thats not a good enough reason to play the relationship game. Your solution is to focus on non-romantic relationships and give up on love?

>>6935 Commenting on tinder remark, for sure but compared to other girls I know thats still a ton. Most I know have that many matches after a year of use but not after two to three months. Mainly was just trying to provide alternate sources besides myself on her being incredibly pretty though, as I already made it somewhat clear I dont have normal tastes so I cant speak for normal. And yeah not being in a relationship is my solution but just my solution. Said friend for example enjoys relationships a ton and unlike me doesnt see a partner as just a friend you have sex with. I originally thought my way was "better" and people just were following what society says but after arguing with her realized that was stupid and we all have different and different levels of needs. I def havent gived up on love and could see myself being in a relationship if me and that person had been friends + doing romantic stuff for years and it showed no signs of ever ending/its easier being together then alone. I just am not looking for one, and have only rarely been more comfortable with someone then by myself. I agree though that yes it is what most girls want. Probably why I support feminism in spite of this is the idea that maybe we cant see results now but it will lead to a change in that. I dont think its necessarily biological, the nature of biology definitely led to the system being put in place are but knowing that there are girls who are very dominant in life (and in sex too) makes me think society has more to do with it. Also the fact that im the opposite as a guy and cannot change it (I tried in the past). In spite of this the way I see it, would you even be happy with a girl like that? I imagine not only do you have respect but are only interested in people you do respect, as you should I feel. In some ways I pity guys who look down on women they date/are partners with as I would be miserable spending that much time with someone I have no respect for. This is another reason why I am not looking for a relationship It takes a bit to discover these things about people and thats a lot of emotions and repeated failure. Id rather just put it off my mind but be open if somebody does fit the bill. Ive known a few and know one now, but the ones before were when I was far too clingy and it didnt work out and the one now is just kind of a sad thing where we both like eachother but I am the one person she respects too much to take control. It really goes both ways. Ideally nobody should be taking control, I think we should all feel very independent and equal. When I said I tried to change this is what I meant. I am much like those girls, and when a friend essentially describes just wanting to be "owned" by a man or that they need a man to be complete it makes me sad for them and angry at the world that produced them. Because I know if I feel that way I too shouldnt be like that, and in the past have let myself be used (sexually and in life) and paraded around as theirs. These were those past interactions where I was clingy, but I also know i'd let it happen again. The reason im so confident it isnt purely biological is because of this, its quite a projection but I feel im right. That the same poor self esteem, the lack of feeling powerful, and slave mindset I LEARNED to have (Up until maybe 4th grade I had no such feelings) is what causes that traditionally "feminine" behaviour. That most girls just dont realize there was an alternative, and many of the things we associate negatively with women (being weak, being emotional, approval seeking) are symptoms of a kind of dark mental place. I never feel safe unless I am being "taken care of" (controlled). Again a lot of projection here, but don't think its unreasonable to assume that this group of related symptoms I share in common with women like that stem from a damaging mental place. Many feminist readings seem to agree, and that may be why many feminists arent the independent type themselves. If they were they wouldn't be able to see so deeply what is that bad about it. What men at large don't understand about women and what women at large don't understand about men always seems to me to be these negative effects of being raised to be a manly man or girly girl. And it makes perfect sense they wouldnt understand, its like the ultimate secret club where you usually only get raised to be weak if your a girl and your only raised to have a fragile ego if your a boy.

>>6677 God I feel ya

>>6943 tell me more amigo.

>>6249 You don't need a degree to program. You just need to want to enough to do it anyway. Even if you do go to a university you'll be teaching yourself to program the same way you would without it, except you'd learn to hate it because of grades and arbitrary meaningless assignments. "Intelligence" is mostly bullsoykaf anyway. There are a nontrivial amount of "smart people" who never do anything interesting and a huge amount of "average people" who do amazing things. People do what they want. You're on the internet don't let a lack of information stop you.

>>6943 >>6677 l-phenylalanine

Does anyone else feel alienated from how "hands off" american culture is? We are all told to keep to ourselves and any breach into other peoples personal space (whether that be literal or social) are considered to be serious offenses. I seriously don't think this is how we as humans were made to live. We are social creatures, we are meant to be together but now we are so isolated. I miss the touch of other people (handshakes don't count). To hug people, to lie next to (or with) them, to hold them, these are necessities that are as important as food but we rarely get to so these things. Why?

>>6993 That stems from a lack of trust which is the bigger issue. On some level letting someone into your personal space is submitting yourself a bit to them, letting them do that is an act of trust. Its a trust that they wont do anything and also that they arent getting some kind of sinister pleasure from doing it. And I dont think its peoples fault for not trusting always. I think there is something a bit sick about american society in this aspect and its probably spreading. If I had to guess its a lot of repressed sexuality.

Things have went horribly wrong in past 2 months. My STEM buddies I used to soykafpost about tech have now decided to grow tired of my antics and my "bragadocious" STEM brewing soykaf (I just do it for STEM and lols, not my ego), giving me cold shoulders and general uncomftorable body langauage when near me. But what is more interesting and what I noticed before, but now came into focus due to me being "excluded" out of group is that they have been always like this. Cold, to each other and themselves. The only time they aren't cold to each other is when their goals, desires and functions allign with each other(rare cases). I tried substituting those friends with others but nobody fits that need of mine to constructively group IRL soykafpost about various electrical circuits and engineering inside jokes. Tried doing it with my gf and she does the usual "I dont understand the joke but its funny because you said it" fuarrrking soykaf. I feel alienated and could possibly slip back to my hard drug usage. I feel lonely. I am starting to become a soykafty e-buy user that goes around satisfying his loneliness with buying soykafty bootleg ICs from ching chongs on ebay. This pattern of behaviour is self destructive. I need a way out of this mess or I might sink even deeper than my teenage depression of not leaving the bed whole month. I might start thinking I am the only person in this world and that I can't talk to others without getting preprogrammed predictable NPC-like responses. Any suggestion might help.

>>6993 Legitimately this depends on your community. America as a whole leans libertarian in its society - the attitude of "don't tread on me and I won't bother you" is pretty prevalent. However, some places are more like that than others. I live in North Dakota and everyone just wants to be left alone here. The state I used to live in, Idaho, was the polar opposite - people would actively take interest in your life, even if you didn't know them that well.

Anyone else have issues with intimacy? >feel dread and anxiety when discussing something personal with someone >use irony all the time to hide my real opinions on certain things >really bad with touching others >recoil by reflex if someone touches me by accident >also intensely crave physical contact (hugs, cuddling, hans holding) >obviously khv Any way to fix this? I've felt like this since I was little.

i have never felt such love as I do for another human. I know one day and this friend of mine will have to separate, it may even be soon. We both have never kept in contact with people who left which makes it harder, we thought about how strange it was some people have friends for life, us never having that. Again it was a theme in both of our lives that people leaving you just never saw again or when you did things were different and not the same. I would like her around forever, I don't know if the feeling is mutual. I think she might but only because she does not know how to make friends. Yet many people would like to be her friend and she doesn't know that, or how to capitalize on it. She's one of few i've seen where she isn't lonely because people don't like her but because people don't know how to approach and talk to her. I was the same, it took me forever to realize she was a human like me. Now its funny because in my dreams she has this archetypal role as a child, and I always lose her and I freak out only to find her perfectly safe doing something silly. Kind of like how I imagine a mother might react when she loses her kid in a store. I think she will figure out how to open up and lose her barriers and the people will come flooding in, and even though she's told me its wrong for me to think i'm peoples last choice, she will find i am right. And I hope when that time comes she can forget that actually, because I don't want her to keep me around out of debt or to prove me wrong. And this all makes me sad, but also very happy. It's kind of self congratulating, but i'm happy I have somebody I love so much that there would be no jealousy or resentment when she moves on from me. I will be sad for sure, no matter how we split. Whether it's because she has to move when we graduate, or because she gets a good job opportunity, I will definitely be sad and she probably will be too at first. Yet I know she will be happier in the end, I also know people like me are not unique even though I've found no others. Really all she needs is someone patient, someone who is understanding/listens, and someone who doesn't have a fragile ego. The difficulty will be in them being able to appreciate her fully, she doesn't appear to provide much. But if you can listen and be open I think everyone in the world would learn a lot from her. There is much that isn't so good too, but the good is incredibly unique and I know no one else with her qualities. Its a strange friendship we aren't really that similar. We share some interests, we share being loners. But we are loners for different reasons and think very differently. This makes me think, as cheesy as it is, that it's a spiritual kind of bond. Whatever spiritual means, all I know is that it isn't necessarily an emotional bond, or a romantic bond, or a bond out of attraction, a bond of shared experiences, its none of the above it seems. And I think perhaps this is why unlike many bonds in my life, I know I will be okay this time when it ends. This is definitely very sappy and over the top without even reading it over again I know it. but it's a little ode to my friend I guess, I hope one day you can not feel so lonely. I will try to be my best self and get clean and mentally stable so I can continue to be there for you, I hope i can change your life in a way that makes you look back and be glad you met me, cause I think il look at you that way if I make it.

>>7008 You fesr being judged by others and socially ostricised. It is common in todays world to hide behind ironic jokes because otherwise you might have to face disagreement and conflict. Same goes with you not liking to be touched. I found that I could calm down my public talking anxiety by finding more important focal point that me and my ego. What do I mean by this? I put in my mind the idea of me spreading this information and truth being more important than what they think of me or my way of talking. Maybe you could do the same with your anxiety. Think to yourself, "is me being anxious really worth it when I really want to interact with these people for this goal?". This is usually called cognitive therapy where you try to reason out your emotions to yourself in order to get past them and install new emotions that you want to feel. Were you hurt by others when you were a child? Why do you think others might hurt you if you open up to them? Asking questions like these might get you to feel easier, and over time you will see that feeling overwhelming anxiety like yours is not productive.

>>7008 >Anyone else have issues with intimacy? Im in the same soykaf really. >>use irony all the time to hide my real opinions on certain things I tend to use a lot sarcasm and edgy humor myself when faced with those issues, it distracts from those issues and lets me brush em off easely. >Any way to fix this? I've felt like this since I was little. Not on long term without getting laid i suppose, smoking fixes it on short term for me, soykafty advice i know. >>7013 Well, i think you should try to make some new friends, its not that easy i know, but thats probably the best thing to do. Since im already at this, it might seem silly but this is bothering me, so i could use some feedback. I usually hang out with my buddies at the park, theyre not exactly pussy magnets so to speak. Often i see pretty cute girls just by themselfs, reading or listening to music. I wonder if it would be rude to just chat them up, but thing is im not a talkative guy, as you can guess. So beyond "hi, what you reading" ... etc i have no idea how to make contact. Another problem is i dont want to emberass myself infront of my buddies, i could never live with that. I told myself i stay away on the weekends, to avoid having to see happy people and cute girls, still i see too much of that and frustrates me. I guess i should try to talk one up and maybe give up if it goes wrong, but i have no idea how to handle all of this.

I detest racism, imperialism, europe in general, my own race. But I also detest white guilt and "liberals". While I hate most white people, and that sort of rich fake culture, I don't attatch it to myself. Not as in I don't think i'm white, I know i'm white, I know I get all the benefits of being white too. But i've always hated being babied, and its been a theme in my behaviour I think of biting the hand that feeds me. Guilt is something I don't feel, because I either dont do anything id feel guilty of or I fix it and make it better. When it comes down to it my hatred of my own race is fundamentally probably nothing more then an extension of a hatred of parts of my family that have that white culture. My immediate family was always the black sheep, we were always the poorest, my mom was abused horrifically by her parents. And yet wed go over and it was so fake, fake fake. Everyone talking behind eachothers backs, things you just "cant talk about", snobbish judgement and a lot of fear. Talking about dumb soykaf, dumb boring vapid meaningless soykaf they think is interesting. By god I dont know how. And I made the connection its pervasive, and you know let me be fair its not always white people, just a majority. Its just an attitude and life perspective that is born out of an ignorance and fragility, and ego. People who dont talk like them are stupid, you have to conform to social norms because its "weird" if you dont. I know people who pass judgements pass them on themselves, and often times its out of a fragile world view that would crumble if they learned it was okay to do certain things. That the people who dont value what they value and live as they live arent stupid, or ignorant, they just dont give two soykafs about what you think is so important. If I could find someone charismatic enough id do something. I know all of these fake white liberals with all of their guilt, they all want to feel like they arent part of the problem. Theyl do anything to seperate themselves from the problem. And I know just the way, because I think its a fairly large group right now, to set things in motion. To give them a list of things they can do that will ease the guilt in their minds, and its so easy too. But over time I think these things im thinking of would weaken western society enough, to finally allow for some kind of rebirth. I think its stupid to think of revolution right now, society is god right now, its impossible to challenge in our heads. We have to sort of weaken it first, and confuse it, and that comes from within. These people are within society, most white liberals are middle class social normal people. As I say the only problem is I dont know if they are really that numerous, and I cant release these ideas I am thinking under myself. But I hope I can find a way, I would love nothing more to see these people play a part in building a new world that they could never survive in. A bit dramatic probably, dont worry I know its all talk and thought. I know it wont happen, but I can have dreams.

I'm caught in a struggle between two parts of myself. I am a very religious person and in recent months my faith has deepened greatly in conviction. I have moments where I feel ready to carry out God's will in my life, times when I know that I am one of His children and that He knows and loves me personally. Rare occasions when I see, just a little, as He might - when the miraculous nature of the world and everyone in it is but slightly apparent. Yet on the other hand, I've spent most of my life grappling with a harsh view of myself, feeling guilty, ashamed, inadequate, pathetic, and sinful. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I've sinned. Even before that, my attitude towards myself was unmerciful, to say the least - I constantly felt that no matter what I did, I did not deserve happiness, that anything positive in my life was a fluke at best. This attitude influenced and continues to influence my behavior, causing me to sabotage opportunities that come my way because I feel undeserving, ignore others' attempts at connecting to me, and generally make things worse for no reason. It seems more natural for me to assume responsibility for the slightest errors and judge myself punitively for them. It even extends to external details about me - I see myself as physically 2/10 at best, though others have judged me in varying degrees above that. Often, I feel that it would be easy for me to repent of my sins and become clean once again, but that I almost don't deserve to. Obviously this is a dangerous attitude and totally against the purposes of the Atonement but it remains nonetheless. What I need is right in front of me but I refuse to take it because I'm retarded and can't willingly choose to do myself some good. I even feel guilty writing all this BS because it feels selfish to talk about nothing but me. I don't really know how to fix this issue with my personality or even if it can be fixed. I rarely bring this stuff up in real life, especially since I have few friends and almost none who really care about how I feel. Obviously I don't have a girlfriend either and never have. Maybe if I did things would be different but again, I've never allowed myself to imagine for one second that a girl likes me in any way and I've been rejected every time I've tried asking someone out. It's alright. I'll spend every Friday night alone in my room while others go out somewhere. That pretty girl I fantasize about sometimes will look up at the stars with some other guy who's better looking, less self-doubting, and more interesting. That's the way I've always lived and for better or worse I've learned to deal with being alone. Sorry if this post was a little dramatic.

I'm really scared to start studying again this fall. I already tried studying something years ago, which went to soykaf. I decided on what to study after high school based on what I thought defined me, something I "was good at my entire life". The first semester went fine, and then it went downhill. After barely scraping through the second semester, I attempted to continue. Aside from the hit to my ego upon realizing that I might in fact not be talented or good at all, the second semester of my second year really went to soykaf. That half year might have been the worst of my life. I moved out, which was a pretty bad idea. I went into a deep depression and went full NEET. I remember once I stayed in my chair for 48 hours straight, aside from some quick toilet breaks. Needless to say I stopped attempting to study after that. I've been slightly getting better since then, working on my social anxiety and climbing out of depression. I've decided to attempt studying again this fall (something else this time), but I'm seriously scared it will end up the same. I don't have that many years left of possible student loans either. These issues probably seem trivial compared to the others in this thread, but it's something I've been struggling so much with. It has kept me up so many nights and has possibly been the biggest source of stress for me since. Feeling like you're not able to accomplish anything is a soykaf feeling.

I made a really good internet friend over the last few months, and we've told each other some very personal things and consider each other to be quite close. Two nights ago he was really upset with me because I blanked him for seemingly no reason. The truth is I just fell asleep because it was quite late and I was in bed. The next day he vented about someone doing that and it took quite a bit to work out he meant me. When I did, I felt awful so just kept apologising and explained that I really did just fall asleep. We patched up quite fast, so that must be a testament to something. I think, for me at least, I was a bit hurt that he thought I'd do something like that out of malice or a blatant disregard for their feelings. And I became quite worried that a good friendship would just end because I fell asleep once. Either way, I'm glad we made up since I'd really miss him if he wasn't a part of my day anymore.

I had too much to drink and smoke but i felt like saying true friendship is to be tresured and not to be taken for granted. Its one of the few things in life that is truly important and makes life worth living, value every moment with the ones who you truly feel connected to. For the ones left out in a world of darkness alone, it can get better, i know what its like to be trapped in dark place place of crippling lonelyness first hand.

I was realizing your average person finds people similar to who they talked with growing up, they have a definitive way of communicating with their friends, they change some of their beliefs but never flip everything. They have something they consistently unwind with, video games, TV. They have a sense of normalcy, there may be weird moments but they dont exist in that state. But I do, none of my friends were people is ever talk to. Most I dont particularly vibe with, it takes a long time of talking and what we develop is very special to me and them, its not a revelation of the "real me" that my true friends only know. I completely stopped playing video games years ago, my brain becoming neurotic while playing them feeling like I dont deserve to and a overarching "this is so pointless" thought in the back of my head. My free time is spent pacing, jumping from task to breaking neurotically as I dont feel deserving of free time but do not want to work. I can not have consistent interactions with friends for more than a bit, this as far as I can tell is out of my control but exacerbated by moments of antisocialness where I no longer care to reach out for a little while. The only comfort and safety i feel in life, is when people i respect are making decisions for me or ordering me to do things. In moments like these, I can focus entirely on them and forget everything else in the world. Doing my work brings me peace, homework studying or painting, but obly when I can break the cycle of neuroticism to get started. When I have done everything I needed to do I used to feel good, now I only feel as if there is more to do but this is also a busy time. While I am no longer depressed as my natural state, which is fantastic, I now have "unrest" as my natural state. My days as a kid looked like this. Id wake up, incredibly tired for school. Id go to my classes, hang out with one friend during break or just in the class, talk a little. A little disconnected but never bullied, attempts were made to be my friend but I was too in my head to see or accept. I would draw a lot during my lectures, bizarre drawings which people were impressed by and also worried for me, which is what I wanted to be fair. After school my mom wouldnt be off work so id get a coffee and explore my town a little, every now and then see a classmate and have a conversation. My mom would pick me up and id get a soda, oddly just getting this soda was such a joy for me. I would come home do my homework and play video games with a combo of real and online friends, but none went to my school at that time except sometimes there would be crossover. It was always fun, id be yelling and laughing and making other people laugh. After though sadness that it was not real life, i usually cried myself to sleep. Id post on places like this a lot, the one consistency in my life I guess. I never partied, or did anything. I had no interest either, all I really wanted is friends who didnt just like me because I was weird or funny but really understood me. This was just two years ago. Tommorow I will wake up, rail a line and roll a few cigarettes because I am too poor to buy packs. Make a hot dog in the microwave, and then practice a speech for a class. I will do another bump before this speech. After il take a nap, and try to do some reading and go to my night class. Il then do another line and go to a art lab with my friend, who likes me but I only like her as a friend yet find her sexually attractive. Il flirt with her the whole time in the lab despite not wanting to have a relationship. She is younger so shes getting attatched. After il go to my friends room, where an opposite scenario is happening but ive learned to ignore romantic feelings so all is well. I will listen to her talk at me for hours and feel safe in her room, il apologize for not seeing her today. I do see myself as her guardian kind of, she keeps me from going off the rails with drugs cause I always try to be sober to see her and help her. To be fair this coke was a recent purchase, its been a month since ive done it. Its to get me through the end of the semester. It also, quite terribly, will work not just to help me study and work but in conjuction reduce food costs as I wont want to eat. my brain is forming ideas of what it wants and what kind of place the world is in relation to those wants. my brain doesnt know who I am and it doesnt care, it knows things about me. It knows I have a strong sense of justice and right and wrong, but am also cowardly. It knows that my unconscious brain is smarter then my conscious, as things often work out without planning. I am patient and calm compared to other people, even when I think im not. Im intensely empathetic, if someone cries without knowing the reason il cry too. I have tried to change this as its also a weakness and I cant. I am a loner, even family stresses me out and I often think that while I will be intensely sad, things will be easier when some of them die. I also dont know if I wouldnt become a psychotic mess if it did happen. as implie, while some feel safety in control i feel safety when i dont have it. This is because im insecure, and I trust other people more then I trust myself. These are all things I know about myself but as far as a perception of who I am, and how I look, I have no idea and also dont care because when I have in the past it caused uneeded stress. I realized I make a bigger impact on people then I thought, and stand out more then I thought, because my mannerisms and how I talk has slowly lost any normalcy. Ive forgotten how to be polite even, a teacher the other day gave me a compliment on a question i asked at the end of class and I smiled and said "goodbye" and left. This seemed okay to me, i dont give compliments looking for a response im just making an observation so that person knows they are doing good. this might sound autistic but it rally just stems from me not liking compliments, they dont mean anything to me. They dont make me feel good, they just make me feel in debt to that person ever so slightly which I hate. well the final thing I guess is that I have a life view of it will all work out in the end. If I was meant for any kind of success I will succeed, and if I was meant to be homeless so be it. In my final moments itl all be the same I think

>>7093 Sounds like your friend is a little bitch boi. You should look for a replacement.

Have to go for Masters degree in order to not be conscripted. It will be a lie not to say that I am not really excited about getting a masters degree. Uni is such a soykafhole. Both students and teachers are incompetent. Not that I am so smart and everyone isn't, I am definetely not the smartest one, but in comparison to the other people surrounding me... Another 2 years of this soykaf. There is so much I want to learn by myself, I want to learn C, networking, all this stuff, but instead i'll have to dedicate a lot of time for uni. Interacting with people, going somewhere. I'd rather go to military, if it wasnt so soykaf in my country. Literally no place to take soykaf, and total morons from villages whose only concern is to find a drink. And this also concerns officers. Feeling awful.

>>7114 To me seems that you like the field you're in. I'm studying for a field which I don't like, feeling less and less motivated. Psychologically it's a tough field, even more so when you have no further interest in pursuing more than mandatory provided knowledge at the academy. From an observer's point of view I may seem like an incopetent fool at times, I think. But I just can't force myself to fake interest anymore. I regret not pursuing the field I was interested in. Maybe I would have found another way to be unhappy about what I do... I don't know what to do. Regarding my inability to take actions in the past I'll probably keep floating down the drain, with the flow. In the past I had hopes (as a kid), now I just keep lowering my standarts/expectations and still am disappointed. I get the feeling of the void calling me but how could anything be worse than the void, making it not worth it. Maybe someday the call will overwhelm me completely and I'll commit to it. I want to shout.

>>7115 Is education paid in your country? Is there anything that will happen against your will if you drop out? Like conscription I mean, or something like that. If not - just leave. Do something you are passionate about. I'm graduating in Computer Engineering, not that it's not really interesting for me, but it's not everything that i want. My personal interests involve, as you may guess, networking, security. Well studying is not hard at least, but i feel like wasting my time.That's against my will. But i really have no other choice. If i could, i would be some fruit seller or a farmer, with computer stuff as a hobby. Somewhere in New Zealand, in the fields, having a small house, raising crops/animals, and in the evening hacking some C on my linux machine. Dreams, dreams... Anyways, if the environment you are in is not hostile, and you are not obliged by anything, don't be so depressed. It takes time, but eventually you will find something you love.

fuarrrk deadlines What a fuarrrking serf soykaf People acting up like it does fuarrrking matter if they get their soykaf today or tomorrow, at 13:00 or 14:00. Who gives a soykaf

It's done. Doctor at the Mayo Clinic says I have "Attenuated psychotic syndrome", which is basically schizophrenia. I don't feel that I can sensibly accept this answer as the truth, but I am running out of options. I still have a few more things to get checked out. This might be it though. It may be high doses of psychotropic medication for the rest of my life.

>>7118 I don't know if I will be able to handle the weight gain, the impotence, and the lack of emotions that come with the medications. I'm not going to quit. I still feel hope.

>>7120 *I'm pretty fuarrrking insane. I guess I'm just scared

>>7041 Try, fail, try again, fail again, keep trying or die trying. Don't expect to do well at something the first time you try it. Worst case you abandon the park all together if you become known as a creeper there.

>>7116 The government is paying for my studies, if I were to quit I'd have to pay for it all. Soon I'll have to go abroad for field practice. It can be a hostile environment, one of fellow students went crazy during last year's practice (we even had to tie him up for a few days). There's always hope, the advantage of my field is pay, so more options in the future. I'm hopeful, just so far it has beeen rather disappointing. Your field is rather flexible, it should work out, especially if you're capable for it.

I'm going travelling to Japan alone next week. I'll stay there for two weeks. I'm so excited, but also scared soykafless: it's my first time leaving my home country, and I've lived pretty much in social isolation hikikomori mode last 3 years. With this trip I'm forcing myself out of my shell, hopefully it'll start a change for better. I hope I won't die lol.

The European Union's Joint Research Center (JRC) has released the results of its study on fake news and the transfer of news media onto the online sphere. https://www.evolving-science.com/information-communication/online-media-and-fake-news-rise-disinformation-spurs-eu-action-00645

Everyone says I have potential and gets frustrated im not meeting it. Professors, friends, my mom. I can make something and work decently hard at it and it can be not the best but better than most peoples and I will get a lower grade because the professor thinks I can do better. Yes I can do better fuarrrking sure, but im trying, im trying a bit more then average. And its not easy, my brains working trying to do this. How do they even know I have any potential, I see potential in many people and they dont always have it I just see it. What is it that im doing where everything I make is good enough but has some hint of potential that just makes them judge the whole thing as "you could do better". Im gonna try, im really gonna try I trust these people in my life but even if I do have potential its easier for you to say looking outside then for me to see when I think everything I do is garbage.

>>7134 I just dont know, do they know me better then myself? i tend to think people do in general, know themselves less then other people viewing them. But what if this is what causes me to give up, do they know im strong enough or are they just trying to push me off a cliff. Its fuarrrked to have been told your entire life you have some unimaginable potential that you just arent seeing or reaching.

>>7124 Wow, good luck First time leaving the home country and straight to Japan. I heard many people get a culture shock in Japan. But I guess you're kinda the weeb like most of us and will handle it well. Hope you visit a lot of restaurants because that's what I'd do in Japan.

That's it, I'm broke. My bank account shows negative numbers. I earn less than I have to pay on a monthly basis. It was just a matter of time - but now it's done. Not sure how I will proceed. Probably wait until my few belongings get seized? Idk, it's fuarrrking over.

>>7134 Sounds like you have too much good boy points and just wanna rebel Just so you know, the most rebelious kids do meth

i'm so done goddddddddddd when will it end?!

This will be quite long rant, but isn't it what this thread is about? Recently I've realized that my "career" is not what I would like to do and I am kind of thinking about doing something else. Let me explain: I am 19 years old geek. I've been into coding since I remember (auto didact). I am at first year of CS and I just realized that I don't need this university (I am already a decent programmer and can easily be hired for part time job just to pay for rent and food) and I would like to study art, as I always liked it. Ok computers are great, my university is also ok, but I want something else, people at my uni are mostly dull careerists with no hobbies and huge part of lectures seems pointless to me. Furthermore I feel like I need to change my environment. I just can't stand my friends/environment vibe. I kind of regret not going to highschool with different profile as I always was interested in so much things other than science/cs. Ok, so what kind of art school should I choose? I see two options for me: 1. Music I am already a guitarist (self-thaught, I've been playing for roughly 4 years), I always wanted to learn another instruments and maybe form a band (I have no friends playing instruments, despite one online friend from another city). But I would like to continue studying in university. The problem is that I am definitely not good enough to join guitar class and I feel like this wouldn't satisfy my needs even if I would be somehow accepted to music acadamia. I can learn music by my own, only problem is to find people to play with. 2. I have always been fascinated with painting. When I was a kid I spent a lot of time playing with dyes but then I ended it. I've been told that I have no gift to be a painter. Maybe it's true. I can certainly tell you that other kids where better than me. But I think that "drawing nicely" isn't a true talent. Everyone can learn it. Some people are born with it, other need some time to posses this skill, it's just a technical skill. The real game starts after you are technically skilled. We had lot's of technically skilled painters, but only one Van Gogh (I will referer to him later). Despite all of this, being not talented, having zero skill in painting I would like to try to learn it during following year and try joining some art school. In addition, leaving CS and joining art school would be probably my first truly individual decision (my parents chosen all of my schools for me) which seems superb. Ok, but back to the Earth. Is is possible to learn drawing and painting from zero knowledge to the level which would allow me to join Fine Arts Academy, considering that in following year I will be: 1. Working half time as I still need to have money for rent and food (I am definitely not a rich person, neither my parents) 2. Still studying CS And another question which always bothers me: isn't it too late? I guess probably not considering that Van Gogh started painting long after he was 20 (too be honest I am not sure about that, maybe it's wishful thinking). It sounds crazy but I think I will go for it, even if only for teh lulz, people actually call me a madman/weirdo, I have nothing to lose. In worst scenario I will fail one semester at my CS uni which is nothing for me. What do you think lainons?

>>7156 I will add something as I really feel an urge to spew it down for fuarrrk sake Maybe it's not about art but about being one lonely kid for my whole life. All of my friends are bringing me down. They never initialize any action other than playing DND or drinking beer and merely have any interests. After all I like them, they are my childhood buddies, but I feel like I need more. I've tried 3d graphics, no one of them joined me. I've tried gamedev, no one joined. I learned musical instrument, no one joined. I used to read lots of books, there was no one to talk about them, same with movies. And I feel like they are even quite toxic towards me when speaking about my "weird hobbies". I have only this one online friends who is into programming and music just like me, generally super guy, even despite he is a weirdo NEET with marijuana addiction xD. We never met in meat space. I have also a very cheerful friend, who also plays guitar, but he study in another city. And of course there are a few people at my CS department who are into programming but they are totally not into arts. I don't know what should I do, I just realized that I should have find new people.

>>7157 Part 3 of my non-consciousness Nord-Stream VIII What I would like to achieve? In my idealistic vision I see myself in a few years as part-time programmer working remotely to some US based company (they pay very well for my local standards). In my free time I would play music with pack of friends (maybe some kind of a band) and paint some creative paintings. I would like to experiment. If I had enough money I would stop this part-time job and maybe try to live from art or maybe from creating games in free time instead of working? Well they say the grass is always greener on the other side. Jeez, It's so hard to decide.

>>7156 Universities became an overgrown babysitting institutions, and you can see that on faces of some of your teachers. No need to go on uni for arts, just pick up an art history book, or read about styles of art. You already said you can easily teach things on your own so it won't be that hard if you want to excel. >>7157 Friends can sometimes uplift you, they can sometimes bring you down. The childhood friends we all have is the ones we couldn't have chosen, even if we didn't want them when were little. They are playing the game of "lowest common denominator" which is usually, as you said, a common game they play together and drinking. If anything, this is stagnation which I find worse than outright self destructive behavior. Start looking for people like yourself, as you said, there are a lot of people online. And even if you can't meet them, they can uplift you and they can share common interests and ideas. Get yourself out there, whether that be a youtube channel, a blog, or something else, maybe in meat space? Go to a club, look up locales around you with live amateur music bands or collective painting sessions or something. >And of course there are a few people at my CS department who are into programming but they are totally not into arts. People don't need to be into everything you are in to be your friends. You will find a lot of people in your life that will have different interests in life but will have few same like you. You can still bond with them but on a more human to human level outside of those few key areas. If you successfuly negotiate terms of your friendship and keep it casuals that are interested in same soykaf, you can pull off not actually being friends but having enough human contact to help each other out in your paths. >>7158 Rely on first thing but try out the latter in free time. Also, your goals are mild and down to earth for someone your age. Glad to see that. Hope you good luck.

>>7156 >>7157 >>7158 I dont know if an art school would help much if you are starting from no skill, but 19 is certainly not too late to pick up new skills. You are still young enough to change direction if you wished.

>>7160 >>7161 >and you can see that on faces of some of your teachers. I 100% agree Well, I've done some kind of psychological projection with art school. You see: CS uni -> boring people Fine arts -> completely other people -> interesting people I need right now, maybe even a cute girlfriend I always dreamed of. I hope it work like this :3 >People don't need to be into everything you are in to be your friends. You will find a lot of people in your life that will have different interests in life but will have few same like you. You can still bond with them but on a more human to human level outside of those few key areas. I have expressed myself badly. Of course I am friends with some of them, but as I said I am looking for people with other interests that programming/nerdy stuff and I can't find them. >Also, your goals are mild and down to earth for someone your age. Glad to see that. Hope you good luck. Well, In my boldest dreams I am much less down-to-earth but we will see what the future will bring. Thanks for your warm words.

>>7157 >They never initialize any action other than playing DND or drinking beer and merely have any interests. After all I like them, they are my childhood buddies, but I feel like I need more. Ahaha same soykaf here. My friends only meet to consume drugs together and that's it. It's so annoying since I don't consume any and I'm getting more fed up every time we meet. I recommend many cool activities but they can't be arsed to go - too much effort for the druggie mind. All they want is play videogames and get high. fuarrrk that makes me mad

>>7175 I wish I had friends to get high and play videogames with.

>>7156 I'd stay in CS if I were you. Remember how ahead of it you were when you started? If you transfer to art school that's the level that the most successful people will be at. You realize you can almost always replace/supplement undergrad classes with grad classes if you just ask the professor teaching it, right? If your work is too easy, do that. You have the opportunity to be either one of the best CS graduates at your school or a mediocre art student (not because I think you can't do art, but you're starting way behind, for the purposes of getting an art degree). Have you considered trying to make digital art/music as a creative outlet for your CS abilities? It doesn't require collaborators or a band, it's easy to share online so you don't have to go into the art show world, and your programming abilities may actually give you an edge over most art/music students.

I'm currently studying for entrance exams into university. My first choice is Psychology, but the rates of acceptance are so low (2-3%) I doubt myself all the time, and it's really hurting my motivation to read. My plan B is CS, but I'm not looking forward to that nearly as much...

Hello lain.I read a lot of people’s vents on here and I can relate so well to so many of them it’s almost as if I wrote them myself.I’m still going to talk about myself so that I can do myself and others a good, anyways. Most of my worries are new to me.In middle school/elementary(it was combined into one school) I made it because someone made me appear more normal to everyone.At the same time I felt like this person used me at times but I’m over him, so I had no problems there. I ended up going to one of the “top 10 best” high schools in the country (USA).It was really just like any other with more money and more work to be done.Most people would cheat and/or work together to get stuff done, but I have a hard time approaching people so I couldn’t make it and I eventually gave up because it was way too stressfull for me.Even normal people were always talking about suicide and how much they were going through, so I asked my parents to take me out and they told me to try and make it to the end of the year, but I could not, and that I told them but they did not listen so I stopped doing all my work and I failed even more misserably than before.After seing my grades and one it was way too late they took me out.The next year I took homeschooling because I was way too burned out to see another human ever again and I was so ready to kill myself already. In the year I took homeschooling I learned all the things I needed but I did not do my work.Maybe I was lazy maybe I was scared of going back to what happened before, but at the end of the day I failed again.The next year I was able to get into one of the crappiest high schools in the country which I was actually happy about because there were a ton of people like me and the work is elementary. I’m almost done with my senior year, but I’m still fuarrrked because of my grades from before.I sort of cringe whenever people say I do so well or that I’m smart; I’ve only shared this fact with my close friends.Last year in my computer class I was with some people that asked me for help and because they were able to approach me I was able to make friends with at least two people there and one of them I sort of had a crush on, but it was no big deal at the time, because there was someone I was more interested in at the time mainly because they are a really social person and I was able to get close to someone at last.It deffinitely felt good, not the part where I kept my feelings to myself but having someone to talk to and I did not want to ruin that so I never said anything and it’s not like I could even if I wanted to.I started thinking about what it’d be like if I did share that desire to be even closer than we were and it felt like I’d have a heart atack.So I put that idea to rest quick. :P Anyways the year went by and I was generally having a good time, but this year I don’t see that person anymore.In case any of you are wondering why did I never try to stay in touch with people, it’s because I have a flip phone and to be honest I wouldn’t even have a phone if my parents didn’t make me.As you know most people today would contact eachother with some non-foss app or text both are not available to me, the latter because it’d be way to difficult keeping up.I tried with my mom, trust me.Anyways the reason I don’t have something that everyone else has is because I don’t talk to people really and I would if someone asked me too,but no one ever does. I have been seeing those people from my computer class this year and they even introduced me to their other friends so it’s really overwhelming now not being able to count all my friends on one or two hands. The thing is that girl/my close friend I was introduced to in computer class, I’ve become more interested in. I wish I wasn’t but I am.She’s been a good friend to me and she’s a good person overall.I can’t think of anything really immoral that she has done, that really stands outwhen everyone around you is sick.And it’s not like she would have a need to conceal that because all of us around her tell of our wrongdoings, and I can tell from the way she responds to these actions in general that she has good character.I feel like I’ve gotten closer than I should have with her.I, like everyone around her can’t help but smile and feel good overall when I see her and she does too. I know it’s more than romantic or sexual attraction which I won’t deny exist.People like her are rare and the kind of person I’d like to be. But I’m also struggling with wanting her to be more a part of my life, which right now is impossible because she’s in a relationship, which I must say I was jealous of at first, but after seeing how hard she worked to keep things together I can’t possibly hold ill feelings towars it.And now she has a child on the way.I’m kind of happy about that.At first I worried that I was only seeing her sexually but now that I know there is no chance for that and I still feel the same way as before so that must not be what makes me like her. I’m sort of glad but at the same time it’s going to hurt more than anything before if I never hear from her again because of how sincerely I love her.I know she cares about me as she expressed before our last summer vacation when she told me that she was going to miss me and a short while ago when I started to feel like I was a burden on her and I distanced myself I overheard her making an effort not to leave me alone, at first I suspected that she’d been telling me to hang around out of general kindness.And now I know it’s something that she wants for herself; to hold on to her friends. I know that this sounds sort of corny or maybe I’m reading too much into people. As an autistic person I usually don’t recognize people’s feelings until things are spelled out to me but I’ve been trying harder to understand people.This usually comes off as me being gay because apparently guys are not supposed to show love for one another???.Recently I’ve become more interested in men in general(I’m bisexual) I guess that’s why I’ve spent less time thinking of my crush in a sexual way even though I do at times which really is like kicking dead whales down the beach.For one straight men are usually less tolerant, and when I am around women I can be pretty unpredictable in how I feel towards them so I don’t really get a chance to let my guard down around people in general. All of this writing has been really spontaneous and I’m sorry for that, but if I go back and add any more at this time, or re read I may just delete it all and never post.

>>7162 cs boy who switched to arts, had sinilar projection. I was right. Its still mostly people I dont like but not all people I dont like. I dont like most people so its a given, but in arts at least there was people I could respect and made a few friends very quickly. I also felt challenged. Design major and I never felt challenged by CS, idc if people think im being conceited it was a lot of boring soykaf that wasnt actually mentally tasking just drudgery. Ive never been pushed like I have in the arts, every one of my art teachers has met up with me and talked to me when I was slipping from a B to a C or even A to a B and inspiring me and giving advice. I never had a CS teacher give two soykafs about me. Because in majors like that its rarely about helping people grow its about weeding people out. Or maybe I just have potential here and I didnt there. Either way best decision.

>>7176 >I wish I had friends to get high and play videogames with. Well, it's indeed a very comforting way to spend time but consider that when friends exclusively do only these two things and no other activities, it get so lame and boring at some point. Zombies man, I swear.

>>7200 zombies or... ... fuarrrrkiiiinnnggg normal personeeessss I am angry

>>7215 language enhancers did their job exceptionaly well xD I respect Lainchan for such type of functionality which ens up better level of conversations

>>7216 mutherfucking wordfilt3rception xD

I don't know if anyone will read this or care but whatever. I'm 18 and about to graduate high school. I completely wasted my time here and missed a lot of opportunities, and as a result never grew as a person in the ways that I should have. I'm a KHV. I didn't go to any school dances or events. I was in sports but I never hung out with people on the team. I spent all 4 years alone in my room, doing nothing with no one. I never dated anyone, not because I got rejected, but because I didn't even try. I was convinced that nobody was interested and that girls who seemed that way were joking or had ulterior motives. I was so convinced of my own inferiority and ugliness that I refused to see what was right in front of me. I didn't even ask this girl I had a thing for to prom the other day, because I was sure she'd say no - or worse, say no in a disgusted way. As a result, she went with someone else, and I had the gall to feel bad about it, like it was somehow not my fault that I couldn't summon the testicular fortitude to ask and accept the answer, whatever it was. I don't know how many underageb& lains there are, but if you're reading this, don't do what I did. Your youth shouldn't be wasted by yourself. Stop worrying about failing and learn to deal with failure instead. Stop agonizing about the consequences of every little thing and just jump and do it. You're only young once, and while it is true that people overstate the value of youth experiences, it is also true that this time is critical to your development as a person. Don't waste it

>>7225 Hi i'm u 3 years in the future. You'l figure it out, you will come to realize there may have been reasons you didn't talk to the people around you, didn't try. However you already have the self realization of "this was a mistake, I wish I didn't do this" so you will catch up. It's going to be a struggle though and at moments especially if you go to college you will feel this even HARDER. After you have rejected and hated yourself and mistakes enough you may eventually find that there was something good about that wasted time. Maybe you will never be exceptionally normal but there may be a positive tradeoff. You also will find other people who like you wasted highschool or were anti social, and some who even became social butterflies in college who can be an inspiration for you. You may realize this needed to happen, or that again it says something about your nature that you can work with/around. These are all maybe, maybe something I didn't say will happen or maybe some apply or whatever. Point is you'l be okay. The idea that society is a game you progress upon linearly through experience is only half true. You've made life choices that have made you different from most. Some people are born with those differences, or had them as a result of family trauma, and the people that shine in spite of them are people you should look to. But you have to realize first you have a significant deviation from the norm inside of you. Why I say that societal experience is half a linear progression is because there is definitely a standard narrative for life. That you do these things, roughly have this many partners, have this many friends, etc. You have to realize that if you also went with this it would be reality to you. All these things your supposed to and not supposed to do, you wouldn't want to do them because it makes you more normal and have more friends you wouldn't even question it. And I think you will find there is power to that. I maintain an idea that internet kids are just the modern day outside group, like punks or whatever. Or a new one perhaps cause those groups still exist. I think it's inherent to nature and the way we might be brought up, and that if the not cool kids in the past in high school had the internet they would have spent all day on it too because it would have been such a convenient escape as an outsider. and we all know outsiders and weirdos grow up to do great things! yet in our group and I can't explain it instead of wanting to rebel or take pride in our weirdness there is a prevailing attitude of despair and incompetence, insecurity. Perhaps because we hid and didn't have to even defend ourselves. Point is you are a person, with this experience that quite a few share. Your experiences and viewpoints are just as valid as anyone else's. As the internet becomes an ever increasing part of peoples lives, and kids get on it younger and younger, it's more important then ever for you to "live your truth" if not for yourself for others. What do you think young you would say if you heard your words, would you listen? I wouldn't have, when you are a teenager you can't possibly know how these things will affect you and someone telling you just is words not understanding. Accept that it happened, don't think "i wish" because to your brain that's implying you could change something, wasting energy thinking to fix the unsolvable. You need to carve out your place in the world as you are, after all if it's true your "too inexperienced" to function society is pretty fuarrrked cause there is a lot more like you and even more coming. We are just patient 0 of internet culture.

>>7226 sorry this is so chopped up, it looked like bigger blocks of text when i was typing.

>>6237 Hm, as far as the brazen bull in particular, I've actually imagined that one, probably because it's really horrifying. As for the bugs, I've never had that, so you might be pretty empathetic. I actually have a pretty hard time understanding things like emotions or empathy though, so I could be wrong.

>>6301 Fair enough.

I was gonna write a long ass paragraph about my story but I figured no one would give a soykaf so I'll just limitate myself to the thing itself. My main problem is that I feel alienated from the rest of the world almost all of the time, it seems as if like it follows a different pattern for thinking, trying new experiences and conversing with others. I really try my hardest to "fit in", using a rather bland term, and the more I force myself onto it, the more it tries to repel me from everything. It's not a matter of being awkward, strange or mentally ill because I can actually can be a pretty fun person to hang out with but for me it takes an enormous kind of strenght. I often catch myself thinking what the rest of the world is doing to make people look and act how they do, since I admit that my choices of entertainment are unorthodox for the average outsider (I wouldn't be here otherwise, would I?). It seems like the more I stay alone with my mind, the more I start thinking about degrading thoughts that become more and more terrible as time passes by, and they reset as soon as I'm in company of people. I basically can't stay alone because I don't fuarrrking know what's going on in my head and I realize that living like this is unfeasible, since you need to spend some time alone to develop yourself properly. I can't keep living like this, I'm on the brink of a mental breakdown from all my problems, my parents will die soon and I will remain alone without anything. I already made the preparatives, the nearest railway is 300 meters from where I live now, I don't know when, but I will go there, wait for a train for arrive, and at the last moment I will lay my head and hope that it decapitates me.

>>7257 > I feel alienated from the rest of the world almost all of the time But you are alone. Everyone is. All this nonsense about "friendship", "relations" is just another hypocrisy. It may sound edgy, but it is true. Everything people do is just a mere attempt to forget about the bane that is existence without purpose. You either embrace it and become strong, or live a miserable life. Read some Ancient Greek philosophy, follow by some Nietzsche, Kafka. Do some excercises, push ups, pull ups. Study something. Make use of the only thing which differentiates you from animals - self consciousness.

>>7263 How old are you? I remember illuding myself like this too when I was 14 but I refuse to believe that this is coming from a grown adult. Learn something about life before you preach to other what you think is right you autistic NEET.

>>7269 Eh I know people in their 20s like him. Fact is everyone decides to do different things to fill the void. Some people need to work out and read fancy literature to feel at peace, some need absolutely nothing. In my opinion, largely influenced by trying DMT (Say what you will, if my brain instinctively says "this is death" and so do most others who try it perhaps it is), the most important thing is that moment of death. Will you be at peace, will you feel relief, will you wish you did more. All will be considered, any desires you blew off and never pursued, things you ignored. Perhaps it's temporary and you go back, perhaps you spend an eternity in this state (or what feels like it). Regardless in my opinion it's most important, and I don't want to leave with bad vibes. Im in no position to make baseless assumptions. Il assume thats really what fills his "void", his immaturity is assuming it's true for everyone. You don't want to read kafka and do pushups you want to make friends. You maybe don't agree consciousness is all that differentiates you from animals. Perhaps, unlike him who sees the world in himself you see worlds in others and you won't be satisfied till you get to explore them. I advise you to not kill yourself when you feel the worst, only when you feel the best. If you still feel like doing it when things are best you are really ready. Remember that time is a helpful but funny thing. The past and future aren't places you can go to, but they have a mythological power so strong our brains think we can. Our brains think we are our past even sometimes. Our past holds us back. The future is grim or holds nothing, a self fulfilling prophecy because that would be impossible to predict. It would be helpful to you if you saw it like this. You are an outsider, but society has accepted outsiders in the past many times. Or other times, the outsiders create their own societies, or sub societies. Seek those like you, or who will accept you and be intrigued by your peculiarities you may see as unorthodox or even conversely boring. If in the end you have no luck, it's okay. You put yourself out there, there was nothing else for you to do. Think to the past, has attempting to be normal or change yourself for others ever brought you anything but anxiety? People never know what other people want, sometimes in deep relationships they learn, but at first never. People simply gravitate towards those who naturally give them something they like or look for. By accepting you can't change, you will change. And you will change into your purest form, and you will be confident as this form, and many will love you for it. This isn't something that will magically change in your brain. We all perceive the world differently, and this perception reflects to create our personality and being. Those who see the world as lonely are lonely, and the other way around. You have to break your perception down first, and then you can see what you want. No meditation or fancy drugs needed, just question everything. Why am I different then others? No doubt the answer you will find to these questions is in your past, and then you need to slowly assert that the past is not a real place. The world and you is a very different place from all those points in the past where you created explanations for how things work.

>>7272 I must say, you were able to read through things I couldn't have been able to figure out myself like a knife cutting through butter. They're things that are so evident when you understand them and place yourself in a position where they can be the light of your actions but at the same time hard as fuarrrk to extrapolate. I meditated a lot about this and the answer that came out of it is that it's up to me to find the steps that led me into this state and follow them back into my true self once more. It was always my fault for all of this, for becoming like this and just immense sacrifice can repay these moments of degeneracy. I know that I can do better than this, I can't explain it with ease, but I think we all understand where we can go, what are our limits and boundaries and in them we are given space to develop.

>>6394 Trans women are ugly. Just stick to being a reasonably attractive man.

>>6446 Yeah, that's a decent problem. Bad tech can really throw a fork in your life. I'm speaking from experience, since all of mine is mid tier at best.

>>7225 Don't sweat it... you're so young, plenty of time to turn things around.

>>6477 She sounds like the kind of person that's actually worth knowing. As bad as it is, I'm kind of jealous. Everyone I know is boring as soykaf.

>>7281 Nah. Even some of the amateurs in those old trap threads on /b/ were prettier than 90% of biological females. Quite a few of them took the positive attention to heart and became pro models who could afford surgery, hormones and makeovers. If you didn't see the meat swinging between their legs, you'd never guess. Surgeons are even getting good at replacing that too but it's expensive.

>>7294 They exist but are the minority. A random person's chances of becoming an objectively attractive tranny are probably not that different from a random person's chances of playing in the nfl.

>>7295 The other part of this is that what you personal find pretty or attractive and what some other person you're never even going to meet does to make themselves happy are entirely unrelated. And the odds are a lot higher than joining the NFL. Chances are you've seen passable trans women before and never even noticed.

Five years from now, exactly this day, I will kill myself. I am a 21yo informatics freshman student. No achievements. My grades can't be lower. Retarded hobbies and interests. Never had a gf. Never had a job. I stopped talking to all of my former "friends". Still living with mum. Looking like a wasp hive gang raped my face. Probably autistic. Sharing a room with my 13yo brother. Have no current friends. Scared of women... I'm not smart, nor attractive, skilled, creative, responsible, caring... I feel like I have no redeemable qualities... Since high school or even before, I've been feeling alienated from society. I NEET'd for almost two years. I became older. I lost my "friends"... I don't like my career. I hate everything I do. I can't be as good as I want to. I just want to have friends but I feel like everyone just secretly laughs at me. When they talk about their exes and their sex life, I have to make soykaf up to not be laughed at. I want to live alone. I want to get a job and take care of my fuarrrking self. I'd work out, study, go out and be dedicated to everything, but I can't because I do not have the time nor the space. Mum wants me to sleep at 22:00 and I never go anywhere but the uni that's an hour and a half away. Holy soykaf. Mum picks and washes my clothes. She feeds me, gives me money, buys me soykaf... let's me live in her house... I know she loves me but come the fuarrrk on. I'm 21 already! I want to have a life. I want to have friends. I want to travel. I want to be independent. I want to find love. I want to take care of myself. My problem with women my age is that I always think "they have had lots of partners and got drunk so many times, they will want nothing to do with a fuarrrking virgin like you"... and that is desperating. I have no self esteem and I can't hold a simple conversation. I feel like all of them are so out of my league I better stop trying. I cringe at myself when I see a loving couple, even on the Tv. I don't blame anyone but me. If I weren't a retard, I'd be finishing my career already. I'd be looking for a job and I'd be ready to move. I just want to be independent. I just want to achieve something. To live alone and to just have one. ONE PERSON to openly talk to and share my goals and dreams. I do not want to be special, or to have lots of money, or to be recognized. And if I don't have a job and live alone by then, I will fuarrrking hang myself. This is a promise. >>6931 I had "luck" back in high school and middle school. Couple girls approached me. Some girls handed me their phone numbers. One of my female friends (the only one I ever had) stole my first kiss at like 18yo. And the only thing I did was stand there and be a fuarrrking stupid. I didn't act on, because I was just a mommy's kid and if mum found out... Anyways, I guess they were desperate or just trying to prank me.

>>7297 You've got to move on, your mother is overly protective and seriously limiting your life. >"they have had lots of partners and got drunk so many times, they will want nothing to do with a fuarrrking virgin like you" You need to start thinking people as individuals. Some women your age might be like that, but certainly not all. There are a lot of different kinds of girls out there. Once you start meeting them, you'll see.

I feel dumb as hell. I already failed uni twice, had to find a job, as I needed money for a living, ended up in one that seemed interesting, but I've been fired because I fuarrrked up too many things. I found other one, minimal wage, at which I'm currently staying. I have to deal with frustrated customers who often yell at me, also recently my coworkers found out that I dont often know how to react and are making jokes of me and my soykafty performance. I'm looking for other job, but I dont have any usefull skills nor be smart. I dont know what to do, going neet is not an option in my case. I probably should find a way to learn something and find better one, but after coming back from job I dont have eagerness to do anything, I cook some food, lurk internets, read books (which will be forgotten after few days because Im fuarrrking dumb) and oversleep. Life is a miracle.

>>7297 Have you talk to your mother about this situation? Surely you should move out and start your own life, things will get better then. Maybe try getting a part time job and rent a room with someone. It will be a start. If not, try getting a job anyway, at least you will make some saving for later. You are still young, at your age I was similar like you, also my face looked like soykaf. Go to the doctor, it helped me a lot. and WTF is this thing with going to sleep at 22. You are an adult, not a little child. Seriously, you must stop living like that, because now it's not a surprise that you want to kill yourself. If you can't move out of your house you really should make some conversations with you family about all this stuff. Good luck and let us know how it's going on.

>>7297 >women my age Found your problem. Go after younger girls because they're sweeter, more attractive and just better. All the bitching about it is because roasties are jealous of how much better younger girls are. Don't settle for roasties. Go down to the legal age limit, or move somewhere that doesn't have feminazi laws and renounce your citizenship in your country of origin so you don't get dragged back to feminaziland for doing something that isn't illegal in your new jurisdiction but that triggers feminists.

>>7297 21 is still an acceptable age to be living with a parent. before you even worry about moving out you should get a job first and be mentally stable. dont think about the past all the time, your high school experience is already over and you have plenty of time to make new friends and have more life experience

>>7307 Younger women are emotionally retarded and alternately, overly clingy and suddenly so fickle they'll drop you for some new guy without a warning. One month to you seems like a year in their as yet short life, so expect her to be moving on just as you get used to having her around. Women under 23 are uniformly horrible in bed unless you want a motionless, emotionless doll. Oh that's probably it huh. Now stop spamming that pedo stuff all over the site again or at least have the decency to mask your writing style so it's not so obvious that it's you again.

>>7308 I agree. Moving out before you are financially stable probably means crawling back home on hands and knees a year later, and yes I speak from experience.

>>7297 I was 19 before I had a girlfriend or had sex. It was with someone almost five years older and she only had one partner previously. She kind of appeared in my life in the most random way, when I wasn't looking. Sadly, we met when a common friend we shared died but just saying, it was an unpredictable occurrence. It does happen. Also you're young enough that if your "career" is unpleasant you can start another. Use this experience to start building a resume. Good luck.

>>6477 I used to know similiar girl in highschool. I was thinking about asking her out but her weirdness and "cold approach" to everyone scared me out. She also had a lot of potential and I don't know what she is up to right now. Right in the feels, thanks anons ;/

>>7314 20 yo kissless virgin with no contacts with females despite "anon could you tell me how to do this task for uni?" or "(my male friends) anon we are going to xyz and have one slot free, would you like to?" (I mean no girl have ever approached me withinitiative, which is quite depressing ;/

>>7310 >Women under 23 are uniformly horrible in bed unless you want a motionless, emotionless doll. Have you had sex with every woman under 23? No, so stop talking out your ass. Younger girls are much more passionate toward you since they're forming a bond with you. What's more, different people like different things. Having sex with a certain person only teaches you how to have sex with that person. Being a slut with dozens of partners gives you nothing that a virgin won't have and it isn't a virtue, so quit trying to sell it as one. A couple consisting of a guy and a young virgin girl will tailor their sexual experience around each other as they form an emotional bond. Now stop spamming this feminist stuff all over the site, or at least have the decency to mask your writing style so that it's not obvious that it's you again. >>7297 If you can't stand being around girls who constantly talk about all their exes, there's a damn good reason for that. It's rather telling that I told you to abide by the legal age limit wherever you are and they're still calling pedo. This is for the sake of you not getting in trouble, not because I have any love for feminazi laws, but the fact that they'd do this reveals everything about them that anyone needs to know. Roasties don't want you to have the satisfying relationship that you could have with a younger girl. They consider you a resource to be leeched from at their pleasure, and if you're taken by a much more desirable girl, they can't do that. Chances are when you're 30ish you'll get broken single mothers crawling toward you to rescue them, and the feminist here trying to sell you on roastie "experience" will tell you that you should do it, but you'll hesitate because deep down you know our current social mores are feminazi soykaf. So anytime you run into a situation like that, remember this all-important maxim: A virgin girl can gain experience with you, but a roastie can never gain the emotional bond that a virgin girl will form with you.

>>7316 >Younger girls are much more passionate toward you since they're forming a bond with you. This should be worded as "can be" much more passionate toward you, to avoid making an overly broad generalization as our local feminazi commissar does. Obviously I haven't bedded every girl under 23 either, and I don't really want to because that's not what I'm after. I'm sure there are young girls who act like emotionless dolls in bed. However, the fact that younger girls have a higher potential for emotional bonding and thus for passionate, intimate sex can't be denied.

>>7316 > Have you had sex with every woman under 23? We are to assume that you have, of course. Not being a pedophile doesn't make one a feminazi or even a feminist. Congratulations on hijacking one more thread though.

>>7318 Ayup. Seriously pedo user, stop pushing your agenda into every topic. It got old months ago and the best you ever get out of it is everyone laughing at you for being an idiot.

>>7318 See the post right above yours for my thoughts on bedding large amounts of people. Or can't you read? >>7319 I haven't hijacked anything. All I did was offer this poster a perfectly legal option he seemed not to have considered, an option that seems to have you so pissed you're accusing me of hijacking a thread just for giving advice, whereas your "women under 23 are dead fish" bullsoykaf apparently isn't thread hijacking despite also being a piece of (wrong) advice. I didn't come to this thread to discuss what the law should be, I came to help someone experiencing difficulties in life. If you want to discuss the law, we can go to any number of threads better suited for it. But even in those threads, you thought you had a lot more support than you actually did. Then again, you think telling someone to get a legal age virgin for a girlfriend is pro-pedophile rhetoric, so I don't think you thought about very much at all.

>>7320 > But even in those threads, you thought you had a lot more support than you actually did. I came pretty late to the last party, and it seemed like the whole site was already against you before I even saw that thread. There's already two Lains against you in this one. > I didn't come to this thread to discuss what the law should be You were waiting for someone else to bring it up? Go ahead and keep proving to us that you aren't hijacking anything now.

>>7321 >I came pretty late to the last party, and it seemed like the whole site was already against you before I even saw that thread. There's already two Lains against you in this one. I'm sure it seems like that to you because you can't comprehend anyone disagreeing with you about anything. As far as I can see, there's no definite consensus. But for the purposes of this thread, that's neither here nor there. >Go ahead and keep proving to us that you aren't hijacking anything now. I'm going to do that by leaving this thread now because I have other stuff to do, and letting the guy who's having problems decide whose advice he's going to take.

>>7322 No it's actually true, other people were already criticizing you before I saw that thread. > you can't comprehend anyone disagreeing with you about anything Re-read your previous posts and savour the hilarious irony of this statement. Oh I guess you can't because you just left the thread. You aren't even reading this post.

Just the association of girls makes me cringe. Today i saw a really cute girl alone in the park sitting by a tree when it started to rain, it was the perfect chance to chat her up, but i pussied out. It eats me up, theres lots of other girls i see that are often alone and read books, i just cant work up the courage to talk to them nor do i know what to say. Maybe this was a sign that next time i should grab the bull by the horns and just risk it with trial and error, atleast then i dont need to wonder anymore. But i just dont know what to fuarrrking say. It doesnt help that im a old loser. The damn frustration is eating me up to no end. Some people recommended online dating, but i think the pressure alone having to look for someone would kill me.

>>7325 This idea that random strangers meet up in a park or on a train and fall in love is kind of a myth, and it's popularized by crappy movies. It happens, you hear of people who meet at a bus stop and spend 40 years together, but the reason those stories are so touching is that when I said "it happens" I meant "yeah but almost never". The only place you are likely to meet a total random is dancing at a night club, rock concert, etc... someplace where people are kind of looking for that. Most people meet through friends, work or school. Well, now there's online dating too as you said.

>>7325 You should definitely try if just to push yourself out of your comfort zone, though I warn you it's not going to work, women are just not cool (most of them, alas). Then again I'm talking from personal experience where you have to mind my complete lack of experience and conversation, perhaps it'll go better for you, so I wish you the best

>>7329 s/experience/personality/ idk why I typed that, I've tried it often so it's not quite experience what I'm lacking

>>7327 Bah i hate pushing this but i gotta let it out to someone. Yeah its absurd. But i just cant help the fact that i feel like i let some big chances slip, if i could have had only a little more fuarrrking courage and self confidence. I mean how goddamn hard can it be to casually walk up to a lone girl and ask her what shes reading and start up a generic getting to know each other convo. Like: "Hi, what are you reading? ..." Is it really that creepy? Maybe some of them are bored and maybe glad someone takes an interest in them. Especially today, all i had to do was walk under the tree where she sat and comment about how refreshing the rain is and ask if i could sit next to her and start up some conversation. But no i pussied out, it could have been my perfect chance. I spend a lot of time in the park and have see couples and cute girls with their friends and even though i like the friend i have, its a sausage fest where the big even is the j going round and the day is out the window. Why do i have to keep being tormented with the visions of what i dont have but want. One time i chatted up this painting girl and hit of a good start, i think she even would have made a good match, but i havent seen here since, im not sure if remember her face even anymore to be honest. In the past i messed up some good chances to get with girls every man would dream of and now it haunts me that if i could just muster up some balls maybe it could make up for that once. Im not getting younger and my chances are already really slim, im 28 already, i feel so old. A friend of mine who is my age has a 10 year younger gf who is really into him, its a pain to see this for me. Im so sorry to lay this on you, i hate this weakness of me, but holing things up doesnt help me.

>>7331 > Is it really that creepy? I could say, it depends on so many factors (your approach, the situation, are there onlookers to make it seem safer) but first and above all, it depends on the girl. Some would be receptive to the right approach if it seemed non-threatening enough; others would never ever take the chance no matter who you are or how or where it happened. Also... depends on the book or hobby. If it's something you can bond over, something she doesn't get to share with her friends who are all into lame stuff, you have a chance. If the book is The Da Vinci Code or Infinite Jest, forget it. > why I see you have a bicycle. I too have a bicycle. See? Doesn't work. If you recognize the brand and ask her for her opinion on some technical aspect, that's a whore of a different color.

After years of dealing with depression, I'm finally going to see a psychiatrist and see if I can get some sort of medication. The only thing that I'm anxious about is how much I should tell him: I feel like its important that he know about my suicidal tendencies and weed use, but I'm worried about the laws concerning this. Mostly I'm concerned about being hospitalized for being suicidal; there's really no telling how he'll react.

I think I'm getting close to the end of my rope. The suicidal ideation has become a desire at this point. I used to think I was just a little sad and depressed, but it has all but consumed me now. My personal relationships just feel instrumental and hollow, everything I used to enjoy is becoming increasingly mundane, and the universe around me just seems to go on with its same cruel indifference, tossing everything around with no choice or freedom. I don't think I have all the answers or that my pessimistic worldview, but I just constantly feel like I'm sinking. The only time I ever feel anything close to peace is when I'm altered on some sort of substance. It doesn't matter at this point, whatever will zone me out for a bit I'm tired and I just want my experience to stop. I don't know what comes after this, if anything at all, but I can't deal anymore. Going through the motions just to feel empty and depressed all the time. It just isn't for me.

>>7331 You are me anon

>>6170 i'm sorry I couldnt be there for you. Everyone was crying and grieving for you, your father was in tears and your mother was already broken down when I arrived. I took your sisters out to the store, I guess i'll have to fill in for you on that regard. I saw your ashes today and the funeral is tomorrow. I just stared blankly at it, I couldnt even fathom that it was you by any regard, it just didint seem real. I dont feel anything but a pain in my chest and a oppressive feeling of regret and sorrow. Ive had major depressive disorder my whole life but nothing has compared to this freezing feeling that you've given me. Everyone misses you, I miss you, I miss you more then anything and I just want you back to us see you space cowboy

I don't know if I'm single because I have an extremely poor opinion of myself or because I'm genuinely undateable. On one hand, while I tend to view myself in an unkind light, plenty of people have told me I'm an interesting person and wondered why I don't have a girlfriend yet. I'm decently sociable (though I like a healthy amount of time to myself) and don't have a fear of public speaking or of interaction with strangers. In school I tended to be a class clown sort of guy. On the other hand it's an objective fact that I'm genuinely ugly. A girl once told me that I was the ugliest guy she had ever seen. I was born with a weak jawline, misaligned and crooked jaw, weak cheekbones, and permanent bags under my eyes. In addition, I've been rejected by every girl I've ever asked out and most girls I know avoid me. Wizardhood here I come.

>>7335 I guess so, but if it might be better i think to try and fail, perhaps i learn and run into some luck maybe. Some people can pull it off, perhaps i could increase my people skills or just get over my fears. >>7337 Good luck, go easy on it, dont tell too much at once maybe and dont be hysteric or he might get hysteric about you too. >>7341 Damn thats just horrible, i dont know what to say. If you want to go out of this world, its your choice, but it would be terrible to see another lainon gone. >>7370 Well atleast im not the only one who knows this pain. >>7375 Condolences for your loss, i hope you can manage to live on and let go. >>7429 Looks arent everything, i seen some nasty dudes with pretty girls, maybe work on your style and develop charm, not that i know how to pull that off. Update on >>7331 The other day i met two reasonably attractive girls that didnt seem bitchy, trough a friend, but since we were sitting outside in a big ass stoner circle and me being the quiet guy i didnt get to talk to them in person, i was too stoned to really care much. I wonder if i see those two again and get to know them more. Then yesterday i was going some other place where i could be alone away from this many people and this pretty cute girl with her dogs passed by me, i said hi and bye later as she went on with her dogs, it seemed to go well. Now im too much loaded with expectation to see her again and wonder how i could talk to her and get to know her. What a pain, i think though i get over that expectation or maybe get a better chance next time. Today i saw this hot chick with a beardy guy, i always get soykaf about my beard and how i would look younger and more feminine, which is exactly why i want the beard. I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. I probably lost my sanity a long time ago or who knows. I have had many odd surges of coincidences where i tell myself those arent coincidences, but perhaps i just force connections on things that arent related. Oh well lets see how it works out, things had been going suprisingly good lately for me, i feel real sorry for all the lainons stuck down in the soykaf, i know how its like from personal experience, hope it works out for them too. Just felt like sharing.

Does it bother anyone else when women talk about "hot guys"? I feel so incredibly small and useless in those moments. I'm never, ever in my entire life, going to be the kind of man that women talk about. Even if I work out and improve my looks, I'm still not going to be a "hot guy" that women talk about. It really, really depresses me. It makes me feel so fuarrrking ugly and insecure, so fuarrrking worthless and undesirable. I know I'll never be attractive, why do you have to remind me so often. I know other men are attractive and I'm not just fuarrrking SHUT UP ABOUT IT

literally 90% of the problems here come from trying to be an imaginary idea of a normal person when you arent normal people. the problem isnt you dont have/never had a gf the problem is you see not having or never having one as a problem, because that means you are some kissless virgin stereotype that only exists here on chan culture cause its very nature is being hypercritical so you also are hypercritical of yourself and others. before i lost my virginity at 19 no one gave a fuarrrk that I was a kissless virgin if I told them, they didnt have some weird image of me as a loser neet because I wasnt acting like an insecure mess over it. I was just inexperienced, thats it. the problem is your experience with how people judge you comes from places like here when no one fuarrrking thinks like this except people here. Nobody cares about you, thats liberating not depressing. Do what makes you happy, stop creating problems for yourself and sure enough the wicked cute girls!! will come flowing by the time you dont even care like the rest of functional independent secure humans. Normal people dont jump into relationships cause they need gf!!! they do it because they get along and like that person specifically, they dont just pursue anyone they know is interested in them and attractive like you might. So your already failing by having soykafty motives and it will be obvious to any girl (or boy) how insecure you really are.

Getting real tired of every popular website I enjoy slowly turning into the samey garbage. Reddit is turning into nu-Instagram, facebook is a disgusting mess, and Twitter has such a Russian bot problem it isn't even funny how little fuarrrks they give. I hate acting like the whole "my secret club shhhh don't tell anyone", but a lot of the subreddits I liked at some point, like r/gaming have gone beyond soykaf. The post are low-effort, lowest-common-denominator trash I expect from soykafty facebook pages. And right now, I don't really know of any alternatives. Ironically enough, I find myself enjoying my time on some of the milder 4Chan boards much more than reddit or facebook. There, you don't see the same four posts about "I lost 9,000 pounds, then graduated high school and saved my parents from cancer". Sure, there's some funposting, but on boards like /co/ and /sci/ it's not as bad if you ignore the threads you don't like. Besides, with the reputation 4Chan has, it's unlikely to become like Facebook any time soon. Gonna join mastodon and see if it's less cancerous. Any particular instances you recommend (or is this one of those "Only Winning Move is not to Play" things)

>>7442 And goes without saying, but lainchan is a great community. Although small, it feels like an actual group of people talking to each other. Y'all are great!

>>7441 True, unless you are 25 y kissless virgin, because then it suggest that something is wrong with you or at least that's what people think

>>7442 >he actually likes reddit, facebook and twitter You deserve misery you wallow in

>>7447 the only ones i actually go on that he listed is twitter and 4chan. i use twitter because its a comfy place to find artists, but there are more places like pixiv and whatnot. i wonder how long itll take for a mass amount of people to migrate off twitter into some other alternative like mastodon

>>7443 >great community

>>7439 Same here, 175cm, 60kg I even a bit fit, I am a good runner but my arms are weak as I am only 60kg. There is no way to shape my body to 190cm 100kg slasher.

>>7439 no cause guys do the same soykaf. I know even I have consistently to one of my frienes talker about how attractive other girls in my class are and I know it makes her upset and I think its stupid cause its just an observation its not personal and there is more to people then how attractive they are.

>>7449 I mean, no community's perfect, but as far as what I enjoy, Lainchan fills that anime-cyberpunk niche pretty well. The programming board is a really good resource too. >>7447 I think you're the target audience for this C&H comic. Sure, those site aren't great. But they could be a lot better, is what I'm saying. Besides, it's not entirely unbelievable that some people like websites you don't.

its summer after my first year of college and I feel like it's going to waste. I'm in what's supposed to be the prime of my life and I barely leave the house. every night as I'm falling asleep I get this overwhelming feeling of despair that no one will love me and I'm going to be alone forever. I feel lonely, depressed, and aimless. I used to have friends I would hang with on a regular basis, but I've fallen out of touch with most of them. I just want to meet other people that I can relate to, but I don't really know where to go meet like minded people. sure I could go to coffee shops or something, but I'm not really sure how to successfully strike up conversations out of the blue. I used to be so much better at making friends and socializing, but years of being a hermit have made me regress in some ways. aside from that I feel horrible existential despair that prevents me from being motivated to go outside or fulfill my desires of meeting new people and turning my life around. I'm constantly questioning my reality and feel really out of touch with other people sometimes. when I'm trying to talk to strangers it feels so non-genuine, like I'm on autopilot. Ever since I was a kid I've had existential crises. I know cerebrally that I should enjoy life to the fullest while I have it, but it's hard for me to turn off the feeling of hopelessness that none of this really matters. From past experience, I know that a lot of this should get better once I start making healthy connections with people again. I'm having difficulty getting into that stage though. I just want to find some homies that are down to drive around listening to ambient techno and revel in the cyberpunk dystopia we live in.

>>7441 this is great advice.

>>7456 Sorry, but you're from Norway?

>>7456 It's like you read my mind

My gf and I broke up last night. I don't know how to feel about it, of course I'm sad and all but I think it's for the best. We didn't seem to be going in the right direction and instead we seemed to be stepping on each other's toes. Ever since I started dating this girl, I've always felt the anxiety that at some point she'd realize I'm just not worth it and she'd leave me. Well it happened, of fuarrrking course. Sort of. I've always been alone, and no girl wants to be with me, suffice to say that I hadn't had a gf for about 11 years, perhaps just a lover who never wanted to be my gf about 5 years ago. I already had my doubts about being with someone, even though that's what I wanted in a way, I started to realize that perhaps I function better alone, and that I'm alone anyway. I tried to enjoy this while it lasted, always knowing it's ephemeral and always anxious about it ending abruptly anytime, for that's always the case when I start dating a girl, they always suddenly leave me, to no surprise since I'm quite the dull uneventful kind of guy. What made me fall for this girl was that she has been the only one ever (except maybe my first gf at the age of 16) who was nice and kind to me, and who said nice things to me and seemed genuinely excited to see me. But that started to fade over time, to the point where we would barely touch each other and at the very end she denied me a fuarrrking hug. All in the course of roughly 2 months. Our mutual friend, who introduced us, used to say a lot of nice things about me, and she (my now ex-gf) also believed some of those things, but I always knew it wasn't true, and I was very anxious about it too. I had started to learn a lot of things with the intention of trying to become a somewhat interesting person, because so far I've been completely dull and boring and pretty much lack any social skills (sure, I'm not autistic and can talk to people to an extent but the consensus in social settings has always been that I'm a boring guy). I wanted to believe what they saw about me, but in the end it all turned out to be a mere mirage which I'd fabricated as a mask to the world to cope with my own lack of personality and everything. The final problem was precisely that, that despite all my intentions to become versed in several subjects and skillful at something my incapacity to do most things came back to bite me. So I am back to being alone, whcih at least is the natural state of things. The actual problems between us both seemed to be countless anyway, I think this was just the tip of the iceberg, and at least I'm glad it ended before darker stuff would arise. Indeed I am destined to be alone. One thing I know for sure, and that is women don't usually like me. Indeed being with her was kind of an accident, the fact that someone thought of me as boyfriend material certainly had to be some mistake, and as I said, it was all really due to some fortuituous alignment of events, my own prentensions and the nice words of our mutual friend who made her think big of me. I was irritated that they both put me in such a high place but in the end the real me came to surface, a very flat me; at least I don't have to live up to the unrealistic expectations of people anymore. I guess what I learned is that I shouldn't try to be more than I am capable of, and that I really shouldn't rely on others for my own happiness and neither should I wish for something that just isn't for me. In the end it was an experience, which served to show that I really belong alone and relationships just aren't for me. Onwards I'll just try to do my own thing, knowing now that it's the best way for me to go. I've always been the hermit and now I know better why, and why girls don't want to be with me at all.

It's weird I know i'm of above average intelligence (just because of things I can do/listening to other people) but i'm kind of primal. I'm terrible with money, I spend when I get it, I can't really think that long term, and the thing i like most about life is girls. I know dumber people who are more successful because they arent like this, however I dont know anyone smarter thats more like this then me. Im sure it exists but like huh, I just wonder whats going on. Im smart enough to where when I took chem classes in college I would complain about it being hard despite spending just maybe 3 days studying for a mid term and bejng flaky with hw, while most others were spending weeks and doing every assignment to get my same grade. Like thats kind of crazy to me because if it just came down to intelligence I could easily be a doctor, which I just see as an inpossibility. But thats also because it partly is, its easy to say "I'd just have to try harder" but clearly thats not in my nature. Like I still dont know perhaps its not that I dont try harder maybe im just underdeveloped in some other area so I cant try harder. This combination does mean il be able to live comfortably if I apply myself just a bit more, im smart enough to where I can not try that hard and make a normal salary. But like imagine I could i'd be rich! Again though even that means little to me, money only means what I can buy with it cause I have unga bunga caveman brain. I can recognize abstractly the power money holds in our society but I cant internalize it to where its reality and I act on it. I can almost imagine the headspace of somebody who does see these things as reality, it seems so spacious because they live not in the now but in the future and past too. My mom was extremely intelligent and my dad was rough and tumble street kid, clearly these things collided to create my brain. I study design now, the goal is to eventually take jobs and projects in a contract style because I think that would best compliment my brain. Work with it rather then against it is the way to go I think.

>>6431 just wanted to say thanks for posting this and also i'm crying a little

>>7479 that's kinda ablephobic

>>7476 >I dont know anyone smarter thats more like this then me I wouldn't be so sure there

>>7476 You type like a 17-year-old or a person of color.

>>7490 well im 20 and white so i dont know what to tell you.

There used to be this older homeless dude, looked mixed black and something else, deadhead hippie type that me and my friend would always ask to buy us cigarettes when we weren't old enough. We also got acid from him a few times and he had good weed but one of our friends had a card for that. He played guitar and had a fuarrrking crazy singing voice, I remember he first played for us and he was like "alright its not gonna be good though" and we were blown away. He traveled with this other dude, chubby white guy who would rarely talk except at certain moments and he always had hilarious interesting things to say. Not sure whether he was fuarrrking with us or a bit looney but he told us he was a demon hunter and had a collection of rocks which he said each had a different purpose for sale. I honestly don't think they were homeless homeless, because while they always looked rough and hung out on the street to sell they never smelled bad and had okay clothes. He also told us one time not to say he was homeless, but he was also kind of messing with us a bit in like a "Hey thats rude you fuarrrkin kids". This was my first year of college, and when that summer came around and I went back I got him to buy me a pack one last time and asked him if he'd be around and he was like for sure, I always come back. He said he would be gone over that summer to go to some hippie gathering thing up north, lots of the old deadheads and younger homeless talked about it and went. Seemed like it was just a gathering full of music and drugs for those who chose this lifestyle. The street he worked on was actually surprisingly clean, I remember one time I tried to buy oxy on it and was informed that I can't ask for things like that. Was strictly a psychedelics/weed hub with coke coming in every now and then. There was definitely meth heads too but they didn't really sell there just hung out. Come around that next year after summer he's nowhere to be found. I ask some of the other homeless and they say he went off to las vegas and no ones really heard from him since. That was the story I got multiple times. Come second semester of that year though, I see someone that I can't stop staring at and looks so familiar. I'm just sitting in a mcdonalds and this well dressed man, pork pie hat and coat, sits down and starts talking to a at least semi homeless dude. They are talking about the police and recent news, it seems to be like street talk. It's probably obvious by now but I realize the reason I can't stop staring is he looks like our deadhead homeless friend that left for vegas. He sounds like him too, but it's so hard to tell. See he always had rough grey facial hair and he wore a baseball cap with a hood over it, and was a bit dirty. So seeing him so clean, if it was him, I just couldn't be sure. I also look drastically different since he would have last saw me, cutting off my very long hair I once had which is how people usually identified me. We made eye contact more than few times though, it was definitely a possibility. Before I left for summer he was talking about how he had a lot of potential jobs lined up and they were getting a house, so him cleaning up is a possibility. I'm sure many homeless talk about that sort of thing, but he was smart and wise, and had his head on straight. He tripped almost everyday but was the most lucid homeless person I knew, and didn't seem to have any drug addictions except maybe in his past. Not that long ago on the bus in the rougher part of the city, not on that street I mentioned earlier but one where harder drugs do go on I saw him again. Still cleaned up and same style. He had a kid with him, I don't know if it was his kid but it was heartwarming. He seemed like a really good role model, the kid was playing on his phone but when the man would talk the kid would instantly put it down and listen. I recall something mildly scary happening on the bus which wasn't uncommon and he pulled the kid closer, calmed him down and what not. I so wanted to go up and ask if it was really him, but I also didn't know what kind of life he was living. I only knew his street name as he said he'd tell us his real name in time but never did, so I didn't want to refer to him by that if maybe he was trying to get away from it. Still as I walked out the bus the door wasn't opening, it was a different kind of bus then I was used to. Despite him being kind of far away in the back he called to me "You've got to step down a bit there" in a friendly tone, I did and thanked him and he said no problem. He ended up getting off at the next stop and we crossed paths again, stared at each other for a bit and kept walking. It's funny I never put much thought into this until now, and I often forget about him until moments like these. I know next time I see him i'l definitely tell him he looks familiar and then judging from his reaction i'l back off if it seems like he doesn't want to be recognized. Though I actually think he would be fine with it, he told me and my friend one time he felt like our dad but a dad that only gives terrible advice (as a joke). I hope I see him again so I can catch up with him and kind of wrap up this little mystery. It's funny I started talking to the homeless people on that street because I came into college a bit antisocial and was so shell shocked I had a "fuarrrk it" attitude for a bit and just put myself in weird situations. I spent more time with those hippies then with people at school some weeks, despite them not being similar in background at all, they were weird like me.

>>7476 The largest diservice to yourself that you subject yourself to is the way you say: "I don't know anyone smarter..". The problem with this point of view is that, if I guess correctly, you're using casual observation and certain conversations you over hear to tag them as 'dumber'. First you have to categorize what smart is in your epistemology, then determine if its an adequate reflection of their successes. So the next question is: "How do I measure their intelligence?" Is it money? You allude to the fact of success. I'm assuming it has something to do with professional, social, and monetary success. For example, in my own youth I was homeless and in a few Mexican gangs. Now the leadership were a scary sort. Not due to violence. The violence I coped with rather well. It's all I knew. However, their ability to not only use social interaction as tactical moves on an invisbile chess board was staggering. It was the way they maintained control. They would subtly nudge everyone into believing their fellows would like their prestige, but somehow the boss would make sure that some measure of fairness was kept. So out of fear or wariness he hardly had to resort to violence to keep those in line. Of course, flagrant dismissals of the rules had to be dealt with in a likewise manner; and that is in a brutal and public way. And as for their economic and technological prowess, you'd be rather surprised. They used rather good opsec, pysical sec, and social sec. They found subjects that would further them then learned them or delegated the learning to others and then you had an elite caste of technological individuals that handled ciphers (old school) and networked (both human assets and networking appliances) the entire organization over the entire state. The point of the entire story is, I suspect yours and anyone's metric for how smart or capeable one is simply through day to day interaction. I was relegated to special ed and you'd think I were slow. But that was my entire goal. They could leave the campus without being trifled or when caught punished, since I didn't know better. Perception is power. The perception of power is enough to having that power before conflict breaks. Similarly with money. That is if you know how to work human social systems to acquire it easily. I wager that information is far more powerful than cash.

>>6271 problem 1: Thinking someone is a creep takes energy. It's somewhat narcissistic of you to assume that people's perceptions even register you (even negatively). More than likely you don't register to the magnitude you think they do. Or more than likely they most likely don't even have any opinion of you. Problem 2: Next problem is you approach the opposite sex from the point of view of "creep" or "they're committed". If you approach every female this way then of course you'll feel and lookd esperate. Human interaction doesn't require you to go for the relationship from the beginning every single time. I'm definitely not a chad, in fact i have an unkempt beard and moustache and generally i'm literally an ass 24/7. Ornery is a better fit. But I interact people as humans first. I don't jump to any thoughts of affection or anything leading to courtship. I'm just me without the goal or thought of trying to get them. The result? I'm allowed (in my own mind) to be myself and just shoot the soykaf. Ask genuine questions and it allows me to know them as people. The ultimate result is that the majority of people I've been in relationships with have come ab out in an intersting way. From hanging out in mutual spaces, to hanging out with each other. THen at some point we hold hands without "labeling" anything. Eventually one of us asks, "hey so we should go steady, right?" or for them ore promiscuous they just go for that tact. So about 90% of my relationships (sexual) have had no official proclamations of anys ort. So instead of selfishly looking for what you are to others, simply pay attention to them as people. Not how they relate to you and what they can give you. Of course you're not that callous. But worryinga bout how others feel about you, or calculating if they're single or not is intrinsically a selfish approach. You're dealing withp eople in relation to yourself. Deal with them instead with your own ego removed from what they have tos ay or otherwise convey emotionally. Nature abhors a vacuum. And by removing your ego and expectations people often fill that vacuum by putting themselves into it. Either in conversation, touch, or familiarity.

>>7505 no not really. im not saying i dont know anyone smarter, i said i dont know anyone smarter whos also as dumb in the way I am. Also when I said I dont know anyone I meant literally. As in people I know, not overheard conversations.