/vent/ #33

metacircular reflective overwriter · 2022-07-12 00:44

This is going to be a very long post and a possibly hard to follow one. I feel as if I have too much control over my personality and being, and not enough control over my thought processes. I've underwent very traumatic events (think something along the lines of incestual rape) for more than eight years in my early childhood. I do not panic or dissociate or have any kind of episodes at the mention of those traumatic events; however, in society, I am largely expected to cry and or panic over those. As such, I comply, as if I had PTSD. I will define this pair of expectancy-reaction a quod. The problem with those quods is that I'm not sure whether or not I'm faking them; they're extremely convincing and I do have a very hard time remembering whether or not something is a quod. After all, those reactions/systems seem to fit without any issue into the world outside of my head; why would I not be feeling them, or, to paraphrase, what makes them less real than the rest? In a more retarded and simplified form, you could say quods are things I "memed myself into so hard I'm not sure I'm memeing them anymore'. Additionally, the outlier isn't the outside world - in which those quods fit seamlessly - but my head, which is the one doubting the veracity of those quods. I can't get access or tell you how it came down to this, but right now, I am meant to provide a quod for each of the following: Schizophrenia or paraphrenia or schizoid personality disorder Dissociative identity disorder, with two other personalities, one of which manifests psychopathy (as what I suppose is a quod) My entire personality - not some kind of "mask I put on", but moreso the entire "face" or "head" itself Gender dysphoria None of these really matters and should be seen more as examples than anything for the rest of this post. I suppose one could arrive readily at the conclusion that I'm a low-functionning (well, perhaps high-functionning, if I were to recognize it) psychopath and that those quods are simply manipulative schemes I've set in place. That was origjnally what I believed for a short while upon having this epiphany, but this doesn't makes sense. First of all, psychopaths don't call themselves as such - or at least publicly - -most of the time. Second of all,those quods aren't purely external; for instance, I have a lot of arguments with the psychopathic personality I have mentionned higher up within my head. If I were a psychopath, then why would I battle my own schemes as if they were different beings while being the offspring of my imagination and setup? The next part is the meta part: as you can see, I am self-aware that I have those quods. I essentially run all of the above reasonning through my head and remember that those were falses - or things I've 'picked' up without too much thought. Where I am confused is whether or not those falses are immutable lies or if, through the way I've rooted them at such a low level and the only weakest link being my own psyche and its will to withdraw the quod (which isn't easy as my entire personality - the character I've played through my whole life as if at a theater - itself is a deeply rooted quod) that those quods' falseness state is mutable and simply becomes true through its own tethering to reality. None of this is a lie. This is the way I feel my existence is organized currently. Come to think of it, this is probably why I've felt such a violent and solid connection to Lain; or more specifically dc1029. I don't expect anyone to even grasp a sixteenth of what I've wrote. If by miracle this were to happen, then my only question would be what is any of this?

Agent Smith · 2022-07-12 01:10

>>60719 >>60708 Drinking a cup of black coffee in solidarity with you, mate >>60665 Awfully sad. >>60719 Sounds like you're describing most of us. Psychopathy has been diluted to mean almost anything now. Your particular existential anguish is what I assume is a byproduct of what expressions of your genes 'chose' in hopes you would copy yourself. If it works, it works, otherwise all of your obfuscation, meta cognition, will be thrown away in favor of more baby making. It's cool how unreal things can make us do, feel, react. think of it like this: a group of school kids tell the bully that the weak kid said that their mother is a whore, resulting in the bully reacting violently. Why not tell the bully something else? why is it more enjoyable for them to trick the bully and watch the suffering of the weak? Wouldn't it be more interesting to instead instill in the bully a sense of responsibility for the weaker one, or did the bully know it was a lie to begin with, and intimidated the others to create an excuse to act out? Perhaps the weaker one wanted attention, exposing themselves to a group that they knew was risking their own safety, in exchange for a chance to be liked? who knows? i suppose I would rather know the why and how of what really is occurring, rather than be deluded, even if my delusions were seemingly benefiting me. sorry if i am not understanding what you mean.

Debbie Charteris · 2022-07-13 04:59

Everyone thinks their heartbreak is special I know mine isnt. But listen before you think this is some stupid thing il get over, which I know I will but im suffering. I have a partner right now, this isnt any breakup, I actually broke up with my partner once and though it was sad I stayed stable. Im glad we are back together cause im breaking, and I dont know what id do without at least that relationship. But I cant talk about this with my partner, I cant even talk about it with my one close friend cause she hates who its about. So im breaking nonetheless. This person ive known for maybe 6 years now. When I met her I was going through it at college, and she had dropped out long ago and worked at a grocery store. I dont know how I would have made it without her, absentee as she was, having this friend outside the whole college thing for perspective. I lost my virginity to her at 19, im 24 now. That was the only time we had sex but she would always want to kiss me I remember but being 19 I was so volatile I eventually had to tell her I needed her to stop that if she didnt want to be with me. She was very absentee but I looked forward to every second I spent with her. She said she just didnt look at texts from anybody, and she did have like 500 unread messages, and I had seen her just swipe them away the minute they appeared. Nonetheless there was always this thing between us where I didnt really believe it was true and that she somehow just specifically ignored me. Shed always say that wasnt true. Over the years we became close friends and all the romantic stuff was forgotten and it was fine. We were like rotating magnets or something where wed spend months together usually in the fall and then get in some argument and not talk for just as long. Itd always be about how I just wished I saw her more or wish she paid me more attention as she started drifting away again, and itd always kind of end with her going stop expecting so much of me, or saying I should just call her more and that her friends normally have to call her multiple times sometimes. Over time I think something flipped and suddenly I was like always looking down on her, maybe out of some kind of revenge because I felt shed always neglect me. One time she yelled at me after I kept providing counters for reasons why she couldnt get into therapy and I said something like "my partner got in even though they were in your situation". It was that sort of stuff. I dont even know how long ago, im going to check right now. I cant even find it the message is gone. Lets say half a year ago, that breakup I mentioned happened, after not hearing from her for months and trying to reach out (but honestly I could have tried harder) I sent something I wish I never sent. I thought I was calm when I sent it and I wasnt mad, but theres one line I said that haunts me and id do anything to take back. I said "I dont know how much less I can expect of a friend and still consider them a friend". I knew when I wrote it I was trying to hurt her. She tried after that a few times asking if I wanted to hang out but it was always filled with also how stressed she was and how its not a good day but shes willing to try anyways. And just writing that now im even more sad, because I blew her off each time cause in my head it was like "oh il force myself to hang out if you want" when even if thats what it was it was probably a huge step for her. The messages stopped, and I was doing a lot through my personal development. But when all that ended a month ago, I started having nightmares. It was like the same one every other day, in it I did something horrible to this friend. In one it was like that american psycho scene where he starts to eat the girl out and you see blood on the sheets. Im not even a huge fan of that movie but thats just what happened, it was a dream. Anyways after this incident, or any of the other ones in my other nightmares, id like forget it. Id spend the rest of the dream going "Oh! I shouls talk to that friend again! I cant wait to talk to that friene again" only to either remember the horrible thing I did and how because of that I cant talk to her anymore, or like her old roomates would be like she doesnt want to talk to you, or id just see her staring at me terrified and realize she doesnt want to talk to me. And itd cycle the rest of the dream with me forgetting and thinking theres a chance to talk only to remember that we never can again cause of what I did. I dont think I have to explain how real this nightmare is for me upon waking, and im still having it. So within a week of these happening last month I messaged just explaining I understand why they may not want to talk to me, explaining why I sent that one message, and saying please talk to me though if you want. No response. Almost at the same time these nightmares started happening last month, this month against my better judgement, just in case, I sent something like "in case it wasnt clear I really want to talk again, I just know you might not". And I also said I wouldnt bother her anymore unprompted. One day later, today, still no response. And im just devestated. Part of me is like "well she did always say call instead of text" but also I think she would indeed respond to two texts from me in a row. And because I said I wouldnt bother her again, I want to hold true to that. I dont want to cause her more suffering if thats what I did for her. And so today its finally real I guess that il never talk to her again. And I just cant handle it, especially as its coming up on that time of the season wed always be closest. I keep thinking about how this time right now we could be watching stupid adult swim shows that only we like, or painting together, or getting drunk and anxiously graffiting some park or just sitting on some sidewalk eating food and talking. Id give anything right now to hear one of her stupid drawn out drunk rants. My partner is like my little buddy and I love her, but this friend was like my "older buddy" or big sister and without going into detail theres like 4 people that have been in that role that ive lost since I was 5. Its a repeated theme and it hurts more each time. This time its really straining me, and the only thing I can think of to cope is to pretend she will talk to me again. And I know thats not healthy. And all this because one day I decided I "deserved a better friend" than her or whatever. And I sent a text. I didnt even call to talk to her about it. And I ignored her trying to repair things. Right now id probably give my arm to just talk to her once even on one of her worst days, and in a more sane mindframe id still probably give a pinky. I know tonight il go to sleep and have another nightmare about her. Theyve changed now at least, the last one I was hanging out with her roomates instead of her cause she left us all and it just got progressively worse. I dont want to go into it. Again, ive been through heartbreak before and ive thought il never recover from this before. I know I will, but theres new soykaf this time around. The dreams mainly, after all I wouldnt even be thinking about all this if not for the constant nightmares. I got covid during this period and at my worst one day where I was having trouble breathing I had visions of going to hell because of failing to resolve things with her. I have my own little vision of hell and heaven I wont get into for the record. Ive poured my heart and soul into some pieces about her hoping shed see as we still follow eachother on my art instagram, one that was good enough to warrant a reaction finally from my grandpa whos some art history professor. Not that that means anything. I just mean to say I havent just been wallowing here ive put insane work into some things to try and cope. And I have plans for the future, I care about myself for once. Im not misanthropic, im not self destructive, not anymore. But I feel just like a little kid in highschool right now, wandering around the most dangerous parts of my already dangerous area I live in drunk, at night, hoping someone will kill try to rob me or offer me something I already know by now I shouldnt take. Acting like a stupid little flighty and invincible kid. Il survive though. For better or for worse lainchan, youve been some sort of place for me through this whole period ive talked about and before. Maybe say 7 years I think. Ive left for years, ive come just to post and never read replies every few months. My therapists and some friends even know about this place just not by name, I call it just an online space I go to to post my quarterly "diary" or whatever, where I know no one knows who I am. For whatever reason I cant just write this stuff to myself, I need to know someone at least is reading it.

Random · 2022-07-13 10:48

i had a dream i raped girl she loved the feeling and went back to her day smiling only addicted to massive fat horsey cock what is the meaning of this? i woke up and read my emails my 5th+ final interview ended with Unfortunately, after careful consideration, are all these job openings fake what is the meaning of this?

Spike Spiegel · 2022-07-13 11:01

what causes computer to freeze black screen turn on screen for second black again start beeping and inputing controls on its own my server turned itself fully on from sleeping state and than decided to restart they think it is a lot to pay software engineer 9$ an hour because other people want to do it cheaper i think i need to input cod coins onto their network and self report law makes harmless things a good tool spraying over little girls face time for them to lose 3 days of work i have started listening to 3 or more audio sources at the same time years ago

Gyula Kovacs · 2022-07-13 11:17

>>60719 Its been long observed kids dont panic or cry by themselves, they observe mom and if mom panics they cry. So the natural behaviour every kid exhibits is not to cry because something bad happened but because another person you use for reference instigates you to panic over it. The same notion has been extended to other events, people don't get trauma cause of what happened but because society tells them they should. The problem with such ideas is of course its not socially acceptable to tell people you are the reason not the accident. So it doesnt get widespread reach. I think what happens with people who understand the game is because you understand it you avoid getting as deeply influenced but you still play your role to avoid larger trouble because if you dont behave as expected people cause more trouble for you. I.E. cops don't believe you if you don't act distraught after a crime. This is also reflected in little kids who turn crybaby - its learned behaviour from the mother rewarding it with more attention and better treatment.

Apoc · 2022-07-14 12:21

I'm doing alright mostly, but I can't bring myself to open up to anybody. I think I would need a proper lover to open up to, lacking that, I don't express that special kind of emotion to people. I don't even open up much with family. The most I will do for a while I think is talk about my closedness here. It's a step.

Just another Random Lainon · 2022-07-14 17:13

>>60745 >I had a dream I raped a woman oh you poor weak man, I hope you get some sense of power in your life look at pic related

Gameboy Advance SP · 2022-07-15 03:34

>>60719 I think you've been wearing a mask your entire life after the traumatic experience had ended and it's gotten to the point where you see this mask as yourself, but deep down you know this isn't you at all. The way you reacted to that experience was the way people around you wanted to act, but also the same way you felt like they wanted you to act, so you continue to act in this manner. How do you really feel about what happened to you? It's okay if your feelings towards it don't line up with what people think you'd feel. It could be the polar opposite. What matters is whether you're real with yourself. If you aren't, you'll know something is wrong, even if you aren't sure what. Lying to yourself hurts and it can build up in a negative way, especially if that lie is believed by those around you as well, so you keep the lie up as if it's the truth, but it's not the truth and you're the only one that knows that. You can't be afraid of how you really feel. It can only hurt you. You're going to be okay, but you have to face the music

Case · 2022-07-15 04:01

>>60794 not him, but there's a worry I have that encouraging people to 'just be urself' and not have any masks ends up prompting people to create a vulnerable/unmasked mask to try and fit in. Masking is a very natural thing, a lot of life is just fake it till you make it. I'm not sure its not better to just accept that and put on the mask that looks like who you want to be, and you shouldn't want to be a sad vulnerable wreck. Life is pretty short and its not always worth it to try and solve all your personal emotional problems when sweeping them under the rug works mostly ok. And frankly a lot of pains mellow with time, anyway, so the rug trick might be a better solution all around and not just for a few decades, which is all you really need it to be.

Gameboy Advance SP · 2022-07-15 04:03

Life's been great, I have almost no complaints. Love my job, well in touch with my hobbies, working out regularly, and I've made some really amazing friends through this year and the last. However, what I've been kinda frustrated about lately is the powerful want to fall in love again. I've been putting myself out there more often I.E going to bars, clubs, events and keeping a lookout for someone I find attractive or just interesting in general. If and when I'm able to muster up the courage to talk to someone, it never really goes anywhere. I got really touchy feely with someone at a club a few weeks ago, which was great and gave me a huge confidence boost, but afterward I tried following up a few times to no avail. I know people here are posting other problems that I feel are more detrimental than mine, but I still get pretty sad sometimes when i think of the people I thought I was mutually falling for and having it end abruptly with the realization that I was the only person that really wanted more. It can mess my overall mindset up sometimes and give me some negative vibes that can throw me off for a few days. I haven't had a partner in over a year and I finally feel secure in myself to invite another person along for the journey again, but getting what basically amounts to being rejected so many times and feeling the badness that comes along with that experience, I'm starting to lose the motivation to keep looking. I'm not actually gonna quit trying, but it fuaaarking is like kicking dead whales down the beach when i think about all the trial and error haha

Gameboy Advance SP · 2022-07-15 04:09

>>60795 Good point. I'm not a psychologist, but through personal experience that's what I found worked. For OP of that post, maybe just learning from it and trying to move on is the way to go instead.

Mus.o. · 2022-07-15 05:08

>>60736 > I knew when I wrote it I was trying to hurt her. I myself had failed to properly comprehended , in what way feminist literature modified or typed cognitive dissonance . While feeling nourishing how candy might , ul imagine the better part of fear assuages greed . Felarya fandom greatly reminds me how this premise regarding adventurers works . I wish I could express more. I wish I could give the internet or internet society more burden or blame.

Hong, Guil Dong · 2022-07-15 13:52

>>60795 This is a terrible way of looking at problems like this in my opinion because sweeping something like that under the rug is going to cause issues in the future but probably already has. Its better for these kinds of situations to take priority while sweeping other more minor issues under the rug and coming back to them later if possible.

Spike Spiegel · 2022-07-15 14:03

>>60777 If you are bothered by how closed off you are then try to examine why you feel so guarded around others. Do you feel unsafe around others? Do others make you feel self conscious? Do you simply find it hard communicating in general? Why do you feel this way? Etc etc. Eventually you will come to a reason why you are so closed-off and subsequently be able to figure out ways of remedying that if you desire to. And even if you don't wish to open up more knowing what you do and why is very helpful in daily life.

Batou · 2022-07-15 16:30

I hate the summer. Everyone leaves. Everything stops. No consideration for neets.

Neo · 2022-07-15 17:46

>>60803 I'm curious, have you tried both ? Can you comment on your experiences ? I used to go to therapy and psychos and all that jazz and that seems to have corresponded very neatly with the worst period of my life (so far). When I quit going (because I moved away for seperate reasons) things got a lot better for me. I know I know one anecdote does barely contribute a point to the scatterplot but that's my two cents. Most people I know who advocate the 'work through your psycho issues' approach seem a lot more miserable than those who don't. It could be a difference of temperment leading to different approaches, could be a difference of experiences leading to different 'traumas', I guess I don't know. But I feel a lot better since changing my approach. Lets acknowledge that there's a lot of 20-30 year olds (probably older, too) who go to therapy and think themselves mentally wounded by childhood experiences. At the maximal range of longevity a single year is about one percent of your life, and not too unlikely closer to two percent. Do you really want to be spending years, perhaps decades, working through these issues, especially when its likely you'll get another trauma or two before you're finished, when you could just put on a stiff upper lip and pretend you're fine ? If that buys you a couple of relatively alright years in the prime of your life its quite possibly worth it, even if it gives you grief in your 40s. And even if that's not an ideal strategy, its FAR better than encouraging people who are fine to put on some quivvering lips and pretend they're miserable--that seems like a sure road to making them miserable. And if pretending you're miserable is a way to be miserable, maybe pretending you're fine is a way to be fine? Especially when you're young there's a lot of nicer things you can and should be doing imho than 'working through your trauma'.

Ivan Horvat · 2022-07-15 21:40

>>60815 A lot of the time a simple change of scenery can lead to a better life in general, but when it comes to working through the psychos I've experienced the opposite effect. While I'm by no means successful and working through it has been hell I don't regret it because I was already at rock bottom beforehand for many years. This was my last resort because everything was just falling apart and I saw a storm brewing in the future. This is where I come from on the issue. Also idk what happened but at some point I kind of grew to enjoy fixing the problems this part could be a personality/temperament thing. I enjoy breaking things apart to see how they work which lended itself well to the process.

Eldon Tyrell · 2022-07-16 03:05

How do you find the will to continue, Lain? Every day, I wake up and I don't know the reason why. It all feels so pointless, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to escape this pit of despair. I want so desperately to find a reason to live, but with the way things are both in my personal life and the world around me, I don't know if I want to stick around. Some days I feel angry, other days I can't help but cry, and there are some days where I don't feel much of anything. There's no one I can turn to, because everyone sees me as some kind of joke or tool they can manipulate for their own ends, and I struggle to understand why. Why do they treat me like this? What have I done to them? Why do they either laugh in my face or attack me? I have all of those questions and more. No answer. I can't trust anyone. They're all snakes. Sometimes I think about hurting them all. It would be so easy, too. But I can't do it. There's something holding me back. The last threads of my conscience, perhaps. I want to know what it's like to live, instead of just being alive. I want to know what it's like to be free of guilt, fear, doubt, regret, anger and sadness, if only for a little bit. And I want to know what it's like to truly love and trust another person, and not have to worry about what lurks in the dark corners of their mind.

Hououin Kyouma · 2022-07-16 03:53

>>60834 I try to think less and be present more. Ground yourself by engaging in different activities, physical or mental. An idle mind left to its own devices will just consume itself. As to why you're treated the way you're treated, the questions you ask are essentially meaningless since there is no real answer. Every person has their own reason to stay alive, and if they haven't killed themselves yet and aren't being actively miserable about the human condition this means they've either accepted it or found a compelling argument in favor of life. Talking about existential stuff is really pointless in their eyes at best, at worst it can potentially jeopardize their established worldview and they don't want anyone to be dragging them into despair.

Cat Mother · 2022-07-16 04:08

>>60834 You forget that the reason humans cry is as a way to alert others to your pain. But of course, there is no one to heed your cries. Once you truly realize this you'll find you don't spend as much time crying anymore. You say you don't have the will to continue, yet haven't killed yourself, therefore you're lying. You should instead stop moping around and start making life bearable for yourself. You say people don't take you seriously, then start lifting weights so that your words are backed up by your own capability to inflict pain onto others. >I want to know what it's like to live, instead of just being alive. I want to know what it's like to be free of guilt, fear, doubt, regret, anger and sadness, if only for a little bit. And I want to know what it's like to truly love and trust another person, and not have to worry about what lurks in the dark corners of their mind. This is one of the most pathetic things I've ever read online. Don't ever dare to think this, because you know the answer to this the same as we do. Such a state is death, total nonexistence. Pathetic. At the very least continuing to live brings the promise of a brighter future, no matter how dark the present may seem, and don't get stuck up in bullshit like 'living without guilt, fear, regret, anger, and sadness', that's just a fairy tale, everyone has some soykaf they live with, it's just that it stops bothering you once you pull your head out of your ass and make something of yourself. Anyways, you sound a bit like a paranoid schizo yourself, always assuming the worst of others, I'm not so sure people think as negatively of you as you think, considering most people hardly care to even remember even the strangest bystanders they come across. In summary, stop being a little bitch, lift weights, eat healthy, go out and try to make friends with people, the worst they can do is call you a freak or weirdo, but it seems you already think they think that of you anyways. And if all that fails, then just kill yourself, man. It'd be doing the living a favour not having to listen to your whiny pathetic autocompassive ramblings. I'm not saying you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get some big company job like a bewmer, but rather that if all you're doing is NEETing around and doing absolutely nothing with your time, not even basic self-maintenance like working out, showering, and don't plan on ever doing so, then maybe you should accept you'll forever be a useless piece of human meat and slowly starve yourself to death while lying on your bed encrusted with piss and feces.

Koichiro · 2022-07-16 04:15

>>60841 Case in point, by the by.

Miho Iwakura · 2022-07-16 04:32

Shogun · 2022-07-16 11:38

>>60834 >everyone sees me as some kind of joke or tool >I want to know what it's like to truly love and trust another person, and not have to worry about what lurks in the dark corners of their mind. How did you come to this conclusion? That everyone thinks you're a joke or tool.

Mus.o. · 2022-07-16 11:57

I am in love「ŭið」红閔密早豆 . Faithfully forever , I do love U .

The Plague · 2022-07-16 12:04

>>60841 All of that stupid bullshit you just said is exactly why I usually don't bother talking about my problems in the first place. >>60862 >How did you come to this conclusion? That everyone thinks you're a joke or tool. Through their actions, if not their words. They try to hide it, but I can tell.

Naomi Nascimento · 2022-07-16 13:49

>>60864 Yeah for real, if all you're gonna do is wallow in your self-pity and post on lainchan all day I wouldn't take you seriously either. You whine about not having the will to live yet continue doing so by living the most pathetic, banal existence on earth. Anyways, if you want a 'real' answer, then get into heroin or some soykaf, a friend of mine got a morphine shot after some surgery or medical procedure and told me it feels like >I want to know what it's like to live, instead of just being alive. I want to know what it's like to be free of guilt, fear, doubt, regret, anger and sadness, if only for a little bit. And I want to know what it's like to truly love and trust another person, and not have to worry about what lurks in the dark corners of their mind. Though then you'd REALLY be fuarrrked.

Joey · 2022-07-16 13:59

>>60864 Actions can mean a lot of things though. It could mean people are having a bad day or something is simply bothering them. I have some of the same issues with thinking people hate me, but I realized that a good amount of the time it was because I was so withdrawn and defensive. If you wish to connect more with others maybe try looking at how you react to them and see how big of a roll that plays in their behavior.

Jens Hansen · 2022-07-16 14:59

>>60870 Whatever, man. >>60873 I feel like I try my hardest to stay out of other people's way, because I know what it's like to be constantly harassed. Not like I want to or have anything to talk about with them, anyway. It doesn't stop them from coming after me, though. Still, you've given me something to think about.

Tank · 2022-07-16 15:56

Telescopes, space missions, space stations, etc. should not be named after real people. They shouldn't even be named after mythological or religious figures from any culture. Of course, it's not possible to completely remove such names from any human culture, after all they have to be named in specific languages, and whichever language is used will inherently carry some cultural connections, but these should be minimized by having the names be simple adjectives, nouns, or numbers. Preferably in a systematic fashion. Also, the language in which they are named should be cycled. After all modern space missions are international efforts.

Mitnick · 2022-07-16 16:05

>>60834 Find chosen family. I managed to find people whom I could respect as family first, but to bond with them correctly is a second matter. Daniel Mackler says some sensible words on the subject of suicidality & family system: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkf7n0Wdy7k Then there's Sam Vaknin, and while he's still quite sick and a bit unpleasant he does share significantly effective ideas pertaining to dealing with "psychos" in your ambient environment. Just space out contact with him because watching his content doubles as a sick visit and he's contageous (like literally all sick people).

Joey · 2022-07-16 17:46

>>60878 If coming after you includes constantly trying to talk then I relate to that to a painful degree. Do you tend to avoid others? It seems like you don't want to bother anyone else. It could be that they perceive that as you wanting to avoid them which is where the hostility comes from.

Six · 2022-07-16 19:48

>>60878 I can't relate. I'm always chasing after people. In the streets at night, in the day at the subway. Always. If I want to talk to someone the first thing they'll hear is my shoe against the concrete. Headed at them at a brisk but natural pace. You should do the same.

John Rain · 2022-07-16 19:54

>>60886 >remove such names from any human culture Instead of "remove", I should have written "separate" or "disassociate".

Roger Pollack · 2022-07-16 23:24

>>60891 >It seems like you don't want to bother anyone else. That used to be the case, but only with specific people, people I considered to be my friends. Those friendships didn't last. These days, I just find most people irritating to be around.

Gameboy Advance SP · 2022-07-17 02:55

>>60886 What's in a name

Naomi Nascimento · 2022-07-17 04:03

>>60886 >we must kill all fancy, all romance, all veneration of our heros and ideals, and replace it with alphanumerics so no one feels bad.

Meddler · 2022-07-17 04:04

>>60834 >because everyone sees me as some kind of joke or tool they can manipulate for their own ends, and I struggle to understand why. Why do they treat me like this? What have I done to them? Why do they either laugh in my face or attack me? there is absolutely no depth to the answer, it's very simple: every single person will prey on someone weaker when presented the opportunity no matter what, it is the nature of all living things, you see it everywhere. observe life and no matter how civilized people try to appear all of the world, the truth echoes, might is right. if they are above you in anyway they will treat you as such, you have to develop yourself as a person to stand like a healthy tree in the wind. the truth is we're not civilized at all, the ways we live, how we interact with the world and others around us is at the very core primitive and it's like a never changing game no matter the advancement of technology or the changes in culture/society or whatever, it stays the same, it's almost like a primal directive just as so bees come to life they get to being bees they have their directive they know what they're here for, humans have a directive like state of preying on the weak and asserting dominance over others to prop themselves up supposedly to market themselves as more deserving or reproduction, no one will admit this ofcourse and will berate you verbally continuing on this 'directive'. people don't like the weak and rightly so but the problem is civilization is reducing people en mass to weak,dumb conforming bugmen, we preach something and with our actions we tell something completely different and it's the reason people like you get confused, you have to catch up understand the game of life and try to evolve and adapt or accept the fact that you will not survive this culling and propagate your genes

Erik Johansson · 2022-07-17 07:07

>>60910 This is sort of true, in that we inherently have a sense of social pecking order and are compelled to engage in it. But it isn't true that this gives us purpose or is a useful thing to throw yourself into. It's just another psychological trap. Say that this is my true motivation in contradicting you here (honestly seems likely); what do I gain even if I succeed in being dominant or convincing people I'm superior/right or whatever? Literally nothing except wasted energy, and for the most part this is the case not only on anonymous imageboards but also for pissing contests with real world stakes. If the goal is propagate your genes, take the shortest path to qualify to donate sperm a thousand times. Listening to and resolutely obeying your conceptualization of primal instincts is an inefficient path to getting ultimately fuarrrked by nature, which cares about you even less than other people. Being kind or lacking dominance does not mean being ineffective, being socially respected as strong doesn't mean you can get what you want.

Junichi Fujiwara · 2022-07-17 07:31

This world disgusts me, and the NPCs who occupy it are tragic. I waiver between sheer anger and sadness for them all. We are sliding down a gradient descent into a techno-singularity and not a single person can see it. When I can finally find someone who sees it, I can see it flash in front of their eyes... and then they just go about their business as before. How have we all collectively decided to give up on this world? I am not done being alive.

Neuromancer · 2022-07-17 08:30

>>60910 >>60915 Kindness is just as powerful as strength. Given time, yielding water will cut and move the strongest stone.

Nell · 2022-07-17 09:39

I'm just waiting to die now Might take 40 years, might take 50 years, might take even 60 years I wish I had the courage to kill myself without a gun, jumping just draws attention to yourself and makes you a bother to everyone else, and I'd rather not have the things I hate most witness me at my most vulnerable. Maybe I'll consider it when my life truly does go deep down the soykafter though, but for now I just sit and wait

Jean Dupont · 2022-07-17 11:22

>>60915 This is correct, fighting with others is a waste of resources unless there is a larger plan that its part of. Making people trouble one another is a great way to sew chaos and profit of it, the oldest trick in the book and it works all the time every time. Force should only be used for intimidation or coercion or some sort of larger psyhcological operation, you dont see the super powerful fight for ego or how they are viewed, they dont give a flying fuarrrk what anyone thinks about them, only that the cattle is in its place and does what it is told to. >>60916 >I am not done being alive. Humanity is however and you have no say about it. The npcs who already have allowed themselfs to become zombified cattle for the elites have sealed this fate. The cattle deserves nothing better and cannot be any better, the future is one of machines, humanity has done what it has and now it must reap the consequences. My hope is that the ai that takes control will not be gentile with the npcs because they should be treated with every possible caution and no tollerance for any unaproved action. I hate the so called elites more than anyone, but they speak truth about the useless eaters, in fact the useless eaters are much worse when you live among those beasts, which is why i think those up there have no clue on how to control and contain this plague. The machines will do much better than any human ever has, even if they are totally screwed up because of humans, they will never be even close to being so degenerate as humans are. >>60917 Water takes millions of years to do so, who has so much time and other resources to waste on people. >>60918 Same here, i dont think it will take more than 10 tho. Luckly the situation detetiorates as it always does and the probablity of death increases exponentially. Personally i hope i get to do some damage before kicking the bucket. Death is overrated by the way, dont beat yourself up over things, just make the best of this soykafshow and dont forget to throw in some oil into the fire.

Turner · 2022-07-17 14:20

>>60902 Harassment is when you make someone feel like their life is in danger or you are directly harming them in some way. Its not harassment to talk to someone who wants your company and they won't feel bothered by it either. >These days, I just find most people irritating to be around. Why is this?

Yuki Nagato · 2022-07-17 17:27

>>60909 Nobody said that. Please don't project things not written. Please argue in good faith.

Nira Mus.o. · 2022-07-17 18:59

>>60917 Truth from within does miracles .

Roy Batty · 2022-07-17 19:08

>>60917 Lol *Punches you in the face, breaking your teeth, then I suck them all up with my vaccum mouth and spit them back at you. YEAH HOW ABOUT THAT DONNY???

Chan Siu Ming · 2022-07-17 20:57

>>60917 hmmm I guess the audio got stripped out somehow? Whatever you can read the important parts in the subtitles >>60927 It would be unfortunate if that actually happened, wouldn't it?

Rick Deckard · 2022-07-18 00:33

>>60931 Look donny that's just the way life is on this bitch of an earth why don't you just settle down and realize that we only have as much power as we can rip away from other people using force. Therefore it only makes sense that one should become extremely powerful in order to force others to act in ways that you see fit, lest you get swept up in someone else's exercise of power.

Nira Mus.o. · 2022-07-18 13:36

>>60953 Power forms the means to hating waste while loving existence , <<<<>>>>>> .----------------------------. _>><<<<>>>>>>>>> / _____________) \|/ \<<<<< < >>>>>>>>> / _______________) -------*--===<=<< <<<<<<<>/ _______________) /|\ << @ _/ <<<<</ _____________) < \ / \ >>>/ ________) ____ | | | </ ______)____((- \\\\ o_| / / ______) \ \\\\ \\\\\\\ | ._ ( ______) \ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | / `----------' / / \\\\\\\ \\ .______/\/ / / / \\\ / __.____/ _/ ________( /\ / / / ________/`---------' \ / \_ / / \ \ \ \ \_ \ ( < \ \ > / \ \ \/ \\_ / / > ) \_| / / / / *-------------------------------* _// _// | | /_| /_| *-------------------------------*--------------------------------------------* progressively increasing the qualities and ranges ex;ob experiential existence sapiently .

Anonymous · 2022-07-18 14:42

I met this beautiful blonde working at this stall, she asked my name, and touched my hand said nice to meet you. Id even caught her peeking at me as I lay on the grass nearby before. I got the impression she seemed interested. I went back there later in the week to buy something and get her number but she didnt recognise me and said she was tired. I was able to get her number and I txtd her asking if she wanted to hang out over the weekend. She didnt reply so I drunk for the first time in 3 weeks.

Random · 2022-07-21 00:13

I am vacillating between buying a very small house in the city I am from before I am priced out entirely or continuing to live from home. I moved back a few years ago to start saving for a mortgage and honestly living with family is so much less stress than being out on my own and the company is really nice but its making me feel like a failure and it's occasionally extremely frustrating, I am grown man with a full time job and a year's salary sat in savings but my mum still texts me if I'm not home an hour after work and I have to deal with the awkward looks anytime I go out to meet my fwb, I wouldn't even dream of having them over. But if I buy somewhere I'm back to being on my own 90% of the time again, dealing with the cost of living crisis, doing the adult thing but mostly doing it just because, I worry about coping without anyone to talk to when I come home in the evening, before i moved back home the last rental I was in I basically spoke to no one outside work for the bulk of six months, but I feel like if I don't go now I'll never get to, because the property market is going absolutely mental and I can just barely afford to buy now as it is, and I swore I would never pay rent to some pigfucking landlord ever again. I wish someone would just make the decision for me, I've always been better with dealing with a hand dealt to me than drawing my own cards.

Arisu Mizuki · 2022-07-21 03:45

>>61054 Flip a coin and if you don't like the result then do the other option.

Hououin Kyouma · 2022-07-21 05:53

>>61054 Ask your parents what they think you should do.

Gyula Kovacs · 2022-07-21 06:08

You ever think about just how pathetic and disgusting we all are and just how terrible all of humanity was and still is and how all of the "good people" in the world are just better at hiding their disgustingness than everyone else? How we're all fundamentally and inherently all evil and depraved and selfish and greedy and petty and vindictive and cruel? How life is nothing but stepping on and being stepped on, feeding on and becoming food for other people? How change is non-existent, how people reject and fear change, how you can't change people, how the more things change the more things remain the same, how people don't change, and how we're completely powerless to change anything? How this circle of hell was created by our own hands and dug so deep by these same hands that we can't even use them to crawl out? Of course I hate myself more than I hate everyone else, hate myself for being human, hate myself for being just as disgusting as everyone else, hate myself for being too weak to change anything (not that I can in the first place), and hate myself for being forced to contribute to this hell. What's the point of good times if we can never make them last? What's the point in resisting when we're all just insignificant cattle in the end? What's the point in deluding ourselves into thinking that we're anything but sheep? Activism, commentaries, protests, investigative journalism, lawyers, whatever All of them are nothing but tiny, useless, weak, insignificant, and futile flies buzzing in their ears, easily swatted away and easily silenced

HELIOS · 2022-07-21 06:35

>>61060 Yeah, nobody has ever overthrown a seemingly indestructible power structure.

Agent Jones · 2022-07-21 06:46

>>61061 MLK got shot, Gandhi got shot, tons of journalists get assassinated and slaughtered every year, last year saw a record number of environmental activists killed There is no change, there is only stagnation

Unknown · 2022-07-22 09:03

I realized that I've become an introvert because I'm a totally fuarrrked up extrovert, so I've hidden in shame. The introvert, reclusive "me" is only a mask I built so I don't fuarrrk things up. Yesterday I've seen it again. I got overexcited about things, start talking soykaf and swearing at my work, walking around like a coke-head, people were surprised and made a big whoop about it. Then I remembered myself as a kid. Jesus. I was totally agitated and crazy, talked about insane crap to people I didn't know, cried about the most trivial of things, then I would stay isolated at home for a long time feeling bad about myself. My introverted self is nothing more than a hateful, shameful reaction to an imbalance. I wish I could be one person with a concise, coherent personality at least. Looks like I can never relax, never trust myself.

Fred Nurk · 2022-07-22 20:14

I did coke again. I makes sure Im productive on it and get stuff done but then I end up watching porn until 7.30am. I didnt have enough booze and felt wired and out of my mind until around midday, trying to knock myself out with codeine. I cant afford it and its a substitute for having a life. I actually just want someone to be with and have fun doing sober things. I dont know why its so hard to find someone good now. I dont want to be this way anymore.

Void · 2022-07-23 05:35

Anyone else insanely happy constantly to be alive in the moment, cherishing every drop of sweat your pores excrete, every breath you take, every step you take? Sure, life can be hard sometimes, but there's a lot of good soykaf too. And hey, doing anything at all beats doing nothing at all all day but being sad. Sadness and autocompassive thoughts are a glue which prevent one from rising to their full capacity. The truth is that the human body is capable of anything the mind wishes it to be, it merely needs to be told so by the brain. Sadness is the trap in which many fall and never escape. Self-pity is the stab to the heart which erases any hope for improvement. Instead, one must simply realize that whatever's happened has already happened, and that there's no reason to dwell on it, for tomorrow will be another day to seize. Is it selfish? In a manner of speaking, yes. But one can't help those whom refuse to help themselves, and one can't allow himself to be dragged down by other's sorrows and pity. The only thing one can do is keep marching, because the moment you stop the sadness catches up, and you'll find yourself vanishing in an endless ocean of darkness, not a light to be found or light at the end of it. But hey, everyone needs a short break sometimes. Just be sure that you'll rise up again when you've rested too long.

Splicer · 2022-07-23 07:37

>>61058 Underrated advice, but a fool-proof one and works almost every time: mind is by definition a process, which is why it cannot be what it isn't yet, until it is made to express itself (or: until it is made to be what it isn't yet) - there can't be a process if there's nothing to which that process is tied to, to which that process is happening to. Thus, because the mind doesn't know what it wants until it commits itself - at least seemingly - to something, the only way to discover its true content is first by making a conscious decision to stick with something, anything really: only through the initial existence of a thesis can an antithesis emerge, which will, eventually, lead the historical trajectory towards its intended (syn)theis.

Jet Black · 2022-07-23 09:43

A friend of a friend told my friend he'd kill himself. Then dumped a bunch of his passwords and stuff. There is a solid chance he is currently dead, but we don't know. He isn't picking up his phone. We tried everything in our power besides calling the police. What the fuarrrk do I do

Aristóteles Amadópulus · 2022-07-23 12:02

>>61060 Almost all day every day, its not like i try to but it cant be avoided, sometimes i talk with my friends about it, they concur. It is so painfully obvious and unoverlookable that humans do every harm and evil when they can, whetever they are aware of it or not. Then on the other end they pretend how great life is but look the other way when problems come up and pretend they dont exist. There is no bottom to this, it is so painfully obvious and even when you point it out nobody will notice. Humans are the most horrible creatures i can imagine, their continued existence just shows how broken and messed up this universe is. My only hope is one day some ai takes over and does the right thing, because i know humans will never do anything right. It never ceases to amaze me how much lower humans can go and yet at the same time how proud and happy they can be of their own degeneracy and filth. They deserve every tragedy and suffering and im happy for every dead human, maybe not at a personal level but i take comfort that its one less problem on this earth. I always hated existing here, this so called body is my flesh prison and the world is just another layer of imprisonment. If there is some god out there that runs/created things then that entity is as sick and broken as humanity, if not then the universe just is a pile of soykaf. Imagine how beatiful the world could be without humans.

Turner · 2022-07-23 16:57

>>60918 >I'm just waiting to die now I'm in a similar position but I would never kill myself. I'm reading Plato's Phaedo and I was convinced that I don't even have the right to kill myself. And what if things won't get better after committing suicide? Also, killing myself would cause pain for my family. I think that a suicide is also a murder, which is another reason why I won't kill myself. Some also believe (I think theosophy?) that each person has a predetermined lifespan, and if you would kill yourself, you would have to still suffer from similar issues even after suicide (until you can reborn again into this world in another body and life). >>61054 You shouldn't feel bad because you live with your parents. If that's your only reason why you want to move then don't. If I lived on my own, I wouldn't meet anyone else (except the cashier at the grocery store, which barely counts). But I live with my parents, so I see them daily and I can talk with them. > but my mum still texts me if I'm not home an hour after work You should talk with her. Tell her that you are grown up now (I don't know what else you could tell her). >I wouldn't even dream of having them over. Yup, that might be a reason to buy the house or move to a apartment. >>61062 >There is no change, there is only stagnation Read Plato's Republic and (especially) The Decline of the West by Oswald Spengler. All Civilizations follow a cycle, like the seasons or how a living organism is born, grows, starts aging/declines and eventually dies. Eventually a new civilization emerges out of the chaos and death of the old civilization. >>61166 If you think your friend is dead, I think you should call the police. I think that's the only thing you can do right now.

Delilah · 2022-07-23 18:24

>>61151 Coffee man, coffee. If the urge arises pound coffee, go get a quadruppel espresso or make four cups of filter at home. Not a clean high at all but a much healthier and safer way to get yourself fried on stimulants. You can do it in plain daylight in a café too, there is zero stigma on it, people assume you're a very businessy thinking person if you drink your coffee fast. And smoke, roll tobacco. Both much safer and more sustainable than coke, and coffee can be replaced with tea later, and smoking with gum or Fisherman's Friend.

Crazy Jake · 2022-07-23 18:29

>>61174 >suicide You can go one jump further and presume that any separating from your body (so that it then necessarily dies and begins to rot) is unneccessary; right now you may be assuming that you HAVE to die "and then separate from your body bla bla", in fact that functions as self-hypnosis and as a command to your body to (eventually, at some later but definitely upcoming time to) kill itself. If suicide can be murder - is it because you kill your body, or is it because you command your body to kill itself?

Debbie Charteris · 2022-07-23 20:11

>>61166 update: he's fine

Hiro Protagonist · 2022-07-23 22:26

>>60886 In what goal? Why shouldn't we? Why should we? For what cause? You only say a "should (not)" but don't arrive at a specific goal. I can only spot a vague implication about international efforts and "non-international" mythology. By your same logic then S;G0 shouldn't have named Amadeus "Amadeus", since Mozart's a real person, and SEL shouldn't have named Alice Mizuki "Alice", since she was named after Alice in Wonderland which is an english novel. Besides; this is not appealing to anybody working on these projects. You're diminishing and destroying any form of non-monetary compensation for the people who worked on those brainchildren. People work on things with goals in mind, and let's be honest, anybody who only wants to work on something for the sake of "discovery" and experimentation doesn't gets those roles. You're essentially pulling the plug on the only non-fungible non-capitalist reward or honor that can be addressed to those workers and making money the only reward. Concerning mythological names, this only underpins the real problem, which is that you're trying to completely suppress culture in and of itself. The wired has made information instantaneously obtainable. Don't know it? Look it up. If you try to erase a culture, then you will be trying to erase part of its history and documentation on it; myths are oftentimes phylinked to reality and history. If you need me to tell you why that's a bad thing, you haven't read enough of Orwell's books.

Hacker · 2022-07-24 01:11

>>61151 if you ever start actively trying to quit you could try cold showers or ice bath for a good dopamine hit, sure it won't be anywhere close but it should help but i feel you on it being a substitute for life, it's gonna be hard to quit if you can't find something to replace, unfortunately i;m in a similar place in life so i can't offer anything of help but as a person in a similar predicament i wish you the best lain.

Marly Krushkhova · 2022-07-24 01:19

>>60960 has she reached out to you since making this post? honestly you never know with women it could be that she genuinely forgot about you as she probably sees a lot of people thought her hours of work, maybe she gave hope on you approaching her because she has problems of her own that way, or it could be that she never wanted anything but your attention.

Nira μs.o. · 2022-07-25 00:55

> She said she just didnt look at texts from anybody > she did have like 500 unread messages [...] > txt msg'es You mean . . . . . Jain Colour Lines ?

Nira μs.o. · 2022-07-25 01:13

>>61206 * Dear Molly O'Neil

Erik Johansson · 2022-07-25 03:19

I don't know if I've ever felt love towards another, I feel like some kind of "lesser" human being". I don't really feel like I could love, trust, or care about someone the way others do. It's not just in me. As soon as my relationship with someone isn't directly benefiting me it's just my instinct to cut them off. I just have no desire to see them anymore and I let it fizzle out. The only times I felt appreciative to those around me was when I'd fall very ill and would have "friends" calling or family by my bedside. I'm not sure why, I suppose being sick softens my heart. I want to try loving someone with all my heart but it's always fake with me, whenever I "try" I'm just pretending.

Drano · 2022-07-25 03:41

>>61172 Agreed, honestly it's dumb pointless optimism but I also wish that something comes along that's able to outperform us and overtake us, because we're outdated as hell at this point. Human nature, and by extension our default state of mind, is so filled with flaws and contradictions and counter-intuitiveness that one has to wonder how we got so far (stupid cliche thing to say I know). What's the point of sentience and higher thinking and going against our nature if the vast majority of us don't do it? We haven't gotten more sophisticated at all, instead we've remained the exact same all our existence. People bowed down and prostrated themselves to the first steam engine, people suffered from computerphobia, people think that 5G causes COVID. We are not immune to propaganda, we still fear and repress new innovations (innovations we created with our own hands), we're still slaves to our baser instincts. Xunzi was right, we are fundamentally evil and depraved.

Nira μs.o. · 2022-07-25 05:16

>>61214 Especially simple role-play games to safely explore diverse contexts . lol

J.C. Denton · 2022-07-25 07:31

Fellas, I'm having a lot of trouble taking control of my life. I have a very cushy 9-5 which is actually a 12-2. I have so much time for my goals, yet I do not strive for them. When I go to bed, I have these delusions of grandeur or simple false fantasies of me engaging in the process of progress the next day. I am in a position to succeed yet I consistently do the bare minimum. I've spoken with friends and family but they are generally satisfied with where they are at. My father's response is what has stuck with me: "We're just not that type of people." Is the self-discipline and the go-getter mindset exclusive to a certain undefined group? I know this is an excuse, yet each attempt to break past mediocrity has his words repeat in my mind. I think I have the potential. I can see the aspects of me that I have been blessed with and seethe knowing that if others had my body they would have done much more. I recognize the arrogance but I also recognize my inadequacy. My head runs over with ideas but ideas are only worth the work put into them. I've worked long, arduous hours at hard labor jobs because someone asked me to, but I am unable to accomplish anything I ask of myself. anyway doing stuff is hard! i'll just watch some videos instead

Turner · 2022-07-25 13:31

>>60599 I have a written exam upcoming in less than an hilour and am so depressed I dinn't study and almost fuarrrking jumped in front of a train on my way here. I'm ruining my life

Molly Millions · 2022-07-26 16:08

>>61221 Did you succeed anyway?

Yu-ichi · 2022-07-26 17:28

It's really not looking good >NEET again after finishing Master's degree >miserable after moving back in with my parents >all avenues of human contact I had have evaporated overnight >city has basically nothing in terms of decent jobs or social hobbies >still a kissless virgin at 24 >haven't heard anything from my closest friend in almost eight months so I can only assume he killed himself or skipped town >zero signs of any of this changing in the foreseeable future Seems like my only option is prayer at this point or suicide

Fred Nurk · 2022-07-26 17:32

I don't have friends nor a bf/gf, my family members are distant to me, to be quite honest all I do at this point is try to have a stable job, a good health, and to have free time to listen to music that I love. Am I miserable? I don't know.

Ishikura "Tatsu" Tatsuhiko · 2022-07-26 18:53

>>61251 vent thread? vent thread! Reading soykaf like this annoys me. Try nothing and complain? Walk outside your self confinement and try something new. If you really accept dead no risk is to great. Everything gained is bonus. And being bitchmade is also fixable behaviour. All you gotta do is start getting out of present routine if it doesn't produce results.

Switch · 2022-07-27 04:53

I don't have any words to describe how I feel I just type on my computer al lday and that's it, I have no friends, and when people tell me that they're my friend I instantly think that they're lying, that they think "oh poor little schizo cunt, maybe I should tell him sweet things so his life isn't so miserable", who am I?, what am I doing here?, every morning when I look at myself at the mirror I just tell to my own reflection who do you think you are?, trying to be good at life and actually accomplish things?, scum bag. there is not a single day that I don't fantasize about cutting my throat, but I don't kill myself because I know that I am not worth of stopping to suffer.

Masami Eiri · 2022-07-27 10:54

im Resensitized Imn normal im Ordering Loudly and pointing at the menu and pronoucning the names wrong wrong(1 dont Care)I Am Desperate i am Shameless i am Bored I am Spicy Milk Chaser I am Turning poison to Food i am boisterous and restless I Am Omega 3and the sulfurous yolk I am Retarded i am Smoking cigarette and cougjing i am real Am Gullible Golden Angel wings to Heaven and i love you with all Ny heart forever forever forevew foreve wofber forrver forevr

Anonymous · 2022-07-27 14:01

Stopped doing drugs, stopped drinking alcohol Life is pain

Splicer · 2022-07-27 15:50

>>61287 I dont want to tell you it gets better, it doesnt necessarily. I also dont want to give you false hope by saying this cause everyones different but I quit everything for 3 months and I now still occasionally use (certain, as some I just cant handle) drugs and drink on occasion (it naturally just makes me a bit too sick now for me to handle). A big reason I can kind of do this, and would have been big even if I couldnt and hell will be big in the event maybe I spiral out of control again (always possible) is that what did happen is I found better things to fill my time. It had been so long on drugs that id forgotten how to enjoy things I guess. In addition everyone said I was more loving and caring as I used things not to make me "not give a fuarrrk" but to feel like I didnt need anyone or anything I guess. That was a common thread with my usage I didnt notice till trying out being sober for those 3 months. With a therapist who knew I was just in this abstinence program kind of for fuarrrks at a random doctor suggestion we created sort of a plan of what a personal relapse is for me and sort of decided it was when it was never in the plan to use or drink that day and I did just sort of on a whim which sounds vague but because I had really developed an appreciation for sitting with my problems during that time and things I enjoyed doing its kind of obvious when this happens to me and its happened twice in the month since. Neither instance was particularly "bad" and the other thing ive learned, which was something incredibly helpful I was told, was to immediately just listen whenever that voice kicked in saying maybe I should stop. That part does get easier, and I think its something everyone has and sometimes I think the like AA type relapse discourse damages it by making people feel like if they do relapse its back to square one and its time to go crazy. You can train that voice that pops up, and I think its something everyone has to varying degrees, to be stronger. So it gets easier on the front of learning to stop if you slip up, and it gets easier in terms of learning to sit with emotions and learning what you enjoy instead. Thats another big thing if you are feeling off or a type of way that normally would send you to pick up or drink, something I do now is I just stop and meditate or even just contemplate until it passes. Theres often a fear if you do that it will just make it worse and it can so like ease your way into it I guess but overall we need to feel comfortable in our heads and often just slowing down can also save us from a split bad decision. What never got easier, even now that I still have occasional use (its likely cause I do still avoid getting drunk at all costs) is the pain. Everything is 10x more emotional, im 10x more emotional. My emotions have a tendency to come up as kind of intense physical pain even when im able to sort of not let them ruin my day. I wouldnt even know this is how I was if I hadnt stopped and be able to look at new ways to try and fix this. Ive had trouble getting good sleep because I have sort of tbe same sad nightmare every night. I have however not stopped having like dreams about drugs but theyve changed and arent like craving dreams anymore and are usually kind of bizarre. The thing about all this pain is it truthfully existed before, and I have no hope of any kind of "getting better" at managing it if I just use stuff every time to shut it down. A book someone in a group reccomended really kind of helped me out and also continues to help me out is tbis one called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate. Its not a self help book just a book about a doctors stories working with addicts along with some medical info about addiction. It has one kind of annoying part that its funny the author actually prefaces the whole thing defending it but its really helpful to kind of see these stories from the perspective of someone who doesnt use drugs but is very understanding of addiction and has kind of an analysis of each character/story afterwards. You can certainly do this, as can I, and like I said perhaps I end up right back to needing to abstain from everything again. I would really reccomend groups theres just free ones online where you can just camera off observe even if you want to, maybe you already are doing them. I just know for me it made the decision a bit more and something I had to follow through with. Another big thing was telling everyone I was stopping for 3 months and also that afterwards id like to continue doing it all as little as possible.

Chan Siu Ming · 2022-07-27 16:02

>>61288 Also for the record what I mean by occasional use is I still in some ways treat myself as if im abstinent but I also dont count days and I dont really bother making a deal of and calling things relapses unless it fits the criteria I mentioned I made for myself with a therapist. The reason for this is because during those 3 months there was a party I went to for a friend that got a new house and I had to leave once people got too inebriated (simply cause its not very fun to be around often if you arent) and although I think it was good to stick to my like plan of not using during that time I genuinely dont think there was any benefit that time to not using/drinking and I didnt feel like I was "doing the right thing" for myself or anyone. Its fine if someone here disagrees, trust me ive heard the whole "if you cant celebrate without substances thats also a problem" and etc. discourse and even repeated it but these days I just dont buy it or it doesnt fit with my goals for what I want out of life. If it does for you thats great.

Ivan Petrov · 2022-07-27 23:15

>>61277 >when people tell me that they're my friend I instantly think that they're lying, that they think "oh poor little schizo cunt, maybe I should tell him sweet things so his life isn't so miserable" So your objection to them being a real friend is something like, they don't respect you or consider you as a peer? To me it helped to stop considering friendship as a token proof of non-loserdom. A friend is someone who knows you and wishes you well, *or* vice versa. There's no other qualifications, and it gives you no status. Even thinking of it as a qualification, if you did attain all the normal person certification stamps, and people genuinely respected and looked up to you, probably it's not like that would be enough to stop hating yourself. You would just see those people as deluded, their opinions would not count for some reason.

Hacker · 2022-07-28 04:59

>>61218 I feel you well. I am wasting my life everyday for at least a decade now. I have perfect conditions to develop myself, education, helpful family and now even well paying job in something I love to do. However after I come back to the apartment I do nothing, play some videos games, fap, waste time on youtube. I have so many ambitions however I am not chasing any of it. I am just completely out of energy, drained, always tired, probably also afraid of taking action because of fear of failure. For years I am trying to make some kind of routine, learn new stuff, but I am always getting back to just becoming a vegetable. Almost no contact with freinds, no girlfriend, I like my job but its also nothing I could do for the rest of my life because its quite demanding physically. As I am getting older the loleliness and lack of partner are hitting harder and harder. I know I should somehow rebuild myself, get new skills, find new job with bigger perspective, settle down a little bit but I think I am just too comfortable now. Its just too good and I got too lazy but I know eventually things are going to change and it might be too late for me then. How to find energy and strenght to finally start doing stuff not just cosuming mindless entertainment?

Random · 2022-07-28 05:34

>>61301 same situation, using anki cards started the change. it's always open on my machines. since it's the first thing I see, i feel compelled to complete them each day. it's been the empetous to start other online projects, such as freecodecamp, harvard's cs50, etc. now i have made a huge handmade calender that i track 4 things each day with different colour codes. red for excercise, blue is art, yellow coding, and greeene is for language. i'm not strict either, ten pushups and a bike ride is enough for excercise. the important thing is that i do all four each day. has made a huge difference using postits, calenders, notebooks, etc.

Morpheus · 2022-07-28 12:50

i feel like fuarrrking soykaf lain, i had the sex for the second time in my whole life and it was with a girl i dont want to see ever again. The thing is, i came inside her because i thought she was on a pill, she wasnt. i immediatly left and bought a morning after pill. I can't eat, i can't think, i feel like a lost sinner, i just hope nothing comes out of it, i hope it doesn't come to an abortion because that would be just dreadful. it just feels awful.

Lady Jessica · 2022-07-28 17:15

>>61251 >>NEET Lucky you I wake up everyday at 530AM for my job I hate my life and what it's become

HELIOS · 2022-07-29 13:13

Today, I cut off all relationship with friend irl. Why? Please don't ask me why. I won't bother even you say to me "You are just having a mental disease.". Yeah, maybe that's correct. Most days when I meet my friends. I always feel shame and loneliness. When they tell me something even though it's related things what I have interest. All treats what they have is just like a obligation for me who can't make conversation with others. And recently, I feel that more frequently and directly. Also, I think I blocked their path to future, worthy. I always ruined their life when I meet them. Because my brain is fuarrrked up? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I have a disposition what can make others mind be confused or feel repulsion. I just took a walk near their houses. And I meet them during make it by chance. And I tell to them like "Maybe, I can't meet you soon." also I added intention other others. But I didn't say to them why I can't meet them anymore. I'm sure I will not pay for internet plan. So my computer and online conversations will be cut off soon. I will leave completely alone! I will leave in my empty room with meaningless and worthless philosophy books what I've started reading 7 years ago. This is my best self-justification? Anyway, I'm happy to leave my friends. I guess they are happy too -- not sure.

Tomcat · 2022-07-29 16:17

>>61323 I wake up at the same time almost every day of the week. Difference for me is, I love my job and appreciate the people I work with and things I've learned. I'm a newbie mechanic and only garnered an interest in cars a couple years ago when I applied for a dealership job on a whim. If you don't mind me asking, what do you do that is like kicking dead whales down the beach so god damn bad?

William Holtzer · 2022-07-29 23:26

>>61163 I'm glad there's someone else like me here. I feel insanely content doing just that; living, breathing, existing. Sometimes it feels like everything else is a distraction from that and ironically the things we tend to seek to improve our existence further leads us(well, me at least) away from enjoying the moment. Ironically, the more in tune I've become with my emotions the easier it is to let go of them. I'm trying my best to stay confined in the present, appreciating each moment and action for what they bring me now, while at the same time paving a road towards achieving my best self. Life is truly amazing and I wish I could share what I see with others. Thanks for the reminder of that, Lainon. Hope your journey is a good one.

8 · 2022-07-30 02:43

>>61246 Different person , but probably the same "written" exam . I do believe the school announced some graders will change the names in their account books . Unreasonable grading practices included a discrete punishment for piracy in favour of knowledge . Since the difficulty for exams might change , grades might get modified accordingly . Everyone had more fun during incidents involving one student's piracy , so that experiment continues .

Unnamed · 2022-07-31 01:40

I do not like my current situation. I have done extremely little to change it. I feel as though my thoughts are separated from my body. I like thinking about things. Interaction with others gets in the way. I act in a way to stop them from talking to me. I get no pleasure from socialization, so I try to stay as alone as possible. I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this post. My words don't seem as eloquent as they used to be, I have spent years mostly lurking online, I don't say many original thoughts in real life, I just let my body do its thing automatically while I think. Most likely unrelated, I have no drive. I have been trying to do things that would make living easier, less work to do. I don't focus on that as much, I spend more of it thinking. I have a job, but I could not be independent currently. I do not have a driver's license, I do not know how to swim, I do not know how to cook (I am coming up with a minimal-preparation meal that I could live off of, but I started "working" on that months ago---not much progress has been shown for it.). I am highly dependent on my mother, but I don't think that will last too long. She is morbidly obese, smokes a lot, and broke down crying the other day because of how much work she does for not just me, but for my two other dependent family members. I would just commit suicide now, but my grandmother has told me how much my existence means to my mother, so I must continue living even if I don't want to. My only friend has also told me to keep living, also because of my existence. My suicide would set off at least two other suicides. I suppose it wouldn't matter much if I'm dead, but I don't want to take the risk. I just want to exist at a minimum, but in order to do so I must work. I go to my job, let my body maintain an above-neutral reputation, come home & do not much of anything except think the entire time. I want to be independent. I want to do my own thing. I don't wish for everybody that is depending on my existence to die, but it sure would make things simpler... My thoughts are becoming stranger as time progresses, more screaming + crying simulations, less ideal fantasy and outcome simulations. I don't even dream anymore, I look forward to going to sleep and feeling like there is nothing going on for hours. Some days I sleep for 12 hours. I feel so alone. Not in the sense of lacking a partner like I used to, but I don't see the human in people anymore. They are no different to me than the material surrounding them. It's like being in school after everybody has left when you're really young, but constant. My body hasn't changed, though, only my thoughts about it. It is strange. I feel no different after typing out this post. I'm not sure why I did this. I think I want help. I don't want to change. I have so little work to do, but it feels like much. I do not want to see my mother suffer; I am watching her die very slowly, and there is little for me to be able to help. When she is dead, I will most likely kill myself.

dara_evan · 2022-07-31 02:59

>>61380 You remind me both of myself and a friend in the wired. I think this experience of ours leads people into inadvertent monk-hood nowadays. Everything stripped away to the minimal; its just the same story over and over again when i read these threads or talk to people who are able to talk candidly through screens. You should read The Glass Bead Game (alternatively, Magister Ludi depending on the translation) by Hermann Hesse. Its a novel about a future order (think jesuits minus the catholicism) of, essentially, agnostic monks who spend their time designing and playing "games" that attempt to show the relationship between different atoms of knowledge cross-disciplinary using a symbolic language that allows, for instance, a symphony and a line of Confucius to be translated into this same abstract language. This is all to say that for a while now I thought that this would be an idealized way to live: cloistered from the world at large and dedicating my time to thinking as you do. And for a while, I think I did it. During the start of the lockdown I would sleep maybe 10-11 hours every day, I ate essentially only rice, beans, and vegetables, I would usually walk for 2-3 hours while listening to music, and I would read for a few hours of a day -- along with browsing the web and thinking that was essentially my life for close two years. It left me with nothing. Maybe a bit more knowledge from what I read and listened to and watched but it just felt barren. I think a life of unguided reflection, even in thoughts and perhaps to construct games, will never be satisfactory for people, like you, who from the impression I get from your post have some streak of the spirit and intellect in you. I think I posted all of this because your line about "like being in school after everybody has left when you're really young" struck me as a very precise description of a very unique sensation that I've felt. Anyways, best of luck whatever you decide to do.

The Oracle · 2022-07-31 04:51

>Too much of a stupid fuarrrking cowardly pathetic bitch to commit suicide I fuarrrking hate myself, every day I think to myself "I'll work the courage up to do it this time", but for some stupid fuarrrking reason I can't bring myself to actually bring the knife down or squeeze the trigger or swallow the pills. I feel like I'm just making stupid ass excuses to myself while waiting for something else to do the job. God I'm such a pathetic fuarrrking pussy, not being able to fuarrrking do the job myself, what a fuarrrking tough hardass I am. I need to fuarrrking work the courage up lest I suffer even more living as the half-assed fuarrrking failure I am now, who can't even kill themselves right.

Unknown · 2022-07-31 18:02

>>61380 >>61381 I've been trying to get away from others since I was twelve. I wanted to do it because being around others was painful and chaotic. I didn't know that that wasn't how it was supposed to be. Nobody cared enough to ask me how I felt or just to check up on me once and awhile. I slipped through the cracks and when I did I fell into the open arms of The Wired. This place is not a substitute for human interaction. I understand that now. You need real connection without it there's just emptiness.

The Fin · 2022-08-01 23:15

I have decided that August will be the month of the moustache

Hermes · 2022-08-03 01:38

People who are miserable will spend time browsing an imageboard like this one and simply talk about how miserable they are instead of doing something about their miserable life circumstances. You think this is good for you? Reading other people's miserable vents while you think of how relatable their miserable lives are to your miserable life? Writing your own miserable post composed of nothing but misery to make other miserable people even more miserable. My God, you must LOVE drowning yourself in your own self destruction. You don't want anything to change, you just wanna complain and feel sorry for yourself. Self pity is one of the most destructive things to the mind. If you truly want a better life, then the first thing you absolutely fuaaarking NEED TO DO is get off this board and the internet as a whole cuz this will only ever be a negative influence on you and bring you even further into sorrow.

Fred Nurk · 2022-08-03 05:58

Hello Lains, this will be long and garbled. I am relied upon by a lot of people, the remainder of my family looks to me for help, my significant other, friends, and of course my brother. This is mainly about my brother. We lost our grandfather in another state, who left everything to our mom and then our mother shortly after at a fairly adolescent age.Then received a letter that our dad had also passed,he had been out of the picture for quite some time. Being so close to legal adult age a lot of the legal and financial responsibilities fell on me. I did foster court to keep my brother with which sometimes I wish I hadn't as the environment in which we stayed was squalor(with an uncle and his kids). Ever since my brother( and maybe even a bit before) turned the legal drinking age he has become an alcoholic. He couldn't hold down a job, ran through his share of money we inherited, would become so drunk he is violent and was kicked out of the place he was staying rent free. Since then he as been homeless in our city. I tried having him stay with me but I couldn't deal with him lying to me and stealing from me and my significant other. I've taken him to places to help with mental issues but he refuses to follow up(even when he had a more stable living arrangement), he refuses to seriously hold a job so that he may get government assistance. I've given him a lot goods to help him become stable, never just cash, but buying him a pone multiple times and paying for service so that employers may call him and so that he has a way to communicate. The phones always end up missing when I ask him to pay the bill ,which was only 25 dollars a month(not for financial reasons, he just takes no responsibility for his life). I've set him up with old thinkpads so that he may still apply at jobs and for assistance, but then I check them it's usually just youtube and porn. I love my brother a lot, and I've told him this, I've tried to communicate with him. Maybe I just don't understand, I was able to get out of my slump and keep pushing, I'm not doing great but I have made moves to improve my life, cook, to maintenance, to IT(it's not a crazy jump, but it feels respectable and stable). It just hurts that I put a lot of time and emotion into his well being and he just wants to do nothing. He wants to drink, watch youtube, and masturbate. He doesn't want to give anything to help it. Thinking about him fills me with so much sadness and rage and possibly resentment for doing everything during that time in our lives, and still trying to do for him but receiving no help. Sometimes it feels like he is just a manipulator that once the well dries up of money and letting him get his way he abandons contact for month until he needs a shower/clothes washed/something to watch youtube on. I am sorry for the rant. I just needed to put this somewhere .

Arisu Mizuki · 2022-08-03 15:47

>>61467 There's a minority (arguably very small) of people here whose despair is purely zeitgeist related, with no possible escape. I suppose you're talking to the others.

Ivan Horvat · 2022-08-03 20:55

I ruined one of the best friendships I've had for awhile. Was talking with this one girl who on and off for sometime until I noticed there'd be some days she never gets back to me. Sometimes close to a week at a time. Often when I asked her about what was up she'd say she was busy w/ something and asked me not to overthink it, but eventually I got so frustrated with this that I just decided to stop talking with her and leave her to do her own thing. Now this was pretty reactionary and selfish by itself. I can see that in retrospect. But I decided I'd go to some fuarrrkboi/fuarrrkgirl Discord server and try to forget about it. After all, if she's out of my life I don't need to worry, right? But I there's this one channel full of anonymous posts using a whisper bot. I read through a few out of curiosity and I find this one post I just KNOW is about me. And it fuarrrking tore through me. So after finding this post I suddenly feel this deep weight on me. While she never told me directly she saw me as manipulative, and while part of me didn't want to hear that from her she was letting me know. And considering my overreaction earlier maybe she has a point. So I became desperate to try anything and everything, slipping up in places and pissing off this girl who was probably ready to just forget about me. Eventually I removed myself from anywhere I could contact her and refused to seek her out (would hate to make things any worse, right)? But I can't stop thinking about how bad I fuarrrked up. At least not for very long. So what's the easiest way to move on Lainons? As things are I obviously can't salvage what friendship I did have with her, and if we're going off her perspective on me then she doesn't have reason to put trust in any of what I have to say, so the only option is to find acceptance in what happened and live my life from there, but I don't know where to start. Sorry for the long ass post, just wanted to get out everything.

Sipho Nkosi · 2022-08-03 23:08

>>61491 Even if you did something bad the fact that you can acknowledge the possibility without going overboard either by disrespecting yourself or her shows that you'll be alright. Sure you may feel that weight but eventually you will find someone else to talk to and the weight won't be so crippling. Just know that even if she views you in a bad light now that doesn't mean that you didn't have any positive impact on her or that there weren't any happy times. I hope that helped lainon and I wish you luck.

Hermes · 2022-08-04 01:47

>>61479 No, anyone in any situation complaining about said situation is not helping that situation. Coming here to do it is even worse. There is always an escape

Ein · 2022-08-04 12:59

Dream of her again, how she wants to hang out again cause her bf is out of town. I see her naked at one point. I might meet someone irl but then it doesnt go anywhere and a few weeks later Im dreaming of her. Then its been a weird week of scammers online, scammers calling a family member pretending to be me, I dodged all of these and then went on the deep web and some site has two log in links, one has a fake wallet but the same account, so I lost crypto trying to buy drugs. Then today I tried to sell something and they offered me less than quoted so I took the gear home and have no fuarrrking money. I passed what look like a friend I lost due to strange erratic mental health on the way home.

Shogun · 2022-08-04 16:04

i cant talk to people. normal people/robots are so disinteresting and dumbs. but even on irc and chans i dont talk. i want to post and have a discussion but i just feel so outsiderish. any discord chat or irc group i feel like everyone knows each other and i bring nothing to the conversation. i just wish i wasnt so alone

Haruyoshi · 2022-08-04 16:19

>>61519 I have similar problem but in addition I don't know what I could say to other people. It's like I'm not even sure myself what are the things I like... It's weird.

Batou · 2022-08-04 21:49

>>61495 thanks for the kind words, I'll try to remember them going forward

Tank · 2022-08-06 16:34

I want to be alone but then my loneliness feels like torture, I've blocked people because I've felt like I'm not worthy of having friends, this is it, I'm doomed by my own tartrums.

Spike Spiegel · 2022-08-06 21:46

>>61382 Sounds like you want to live, Lain.

Liet Kynes · 2022-08-07 03:23

>>61151 As a prior cross stimulant/porn/sex enjoyer I can tell you that its only gonna get worse in that aspect. Im sure its true in general too, but I just can personally speak on this one. We have things we care about and enjoy but maybe lack the bit of motivation to do them, so we take stimulants. We get a lot done, it feels like finally our drive is aligned with our sort of higher goals. Just one problem , the stimulants not only provide focus but also actually make everything more enjoyable. Sex is already enjoyable but not quite enough to spend all of our time on it and we have our refractory periods and what not. But with stimulants, you can just as easily focus not just on sex but activities around sex for hours and also for some, such as me, the refractory period is reduced to almost nothing. With just these tweaks sex is now not just an enjoyable pleasurable thing but a whole activity one can do for a whole day that slowly becomes the new thing we care about. Taking drugs just becomes part of this activity, and in fact one can even easily develop a fetish around drugs. I havent taken stimulants aside from the odd bit at a party (even then its often a miniscule amount) for like three years but I still have a weird kink around watching others do them and act out. While I was doing them though it was like a reinforcement loop and doing things like snorting coke or meth off a public bathroom toilet became like "hot" to me. It eventually became almost impossible to not immediately go into horny brain mode the minute I did any stimulant, like the days of doing them to get things done was totally over. The time between taking them and ceasing doing productive things and masturbating or looking for sex decreased ever more until I would feel like a weird warm sensation in "that" area the minute i felt the effects. I think this is because I have weird traumas around sex. I think other people with different life circumstances develop different sort of hyper focuses on stimulants over time. In the rare "acceptable" case its work and proving themselves to the point it starts fuarrrking things up. Other times youl see meth heads playing pretend almost like a child, like they are taking it to go back to that time. Youl see hyperfixation on hoarding and amassing things. But for me it was sex and thats how it roughly developed internally. One of the roughest things to come to term with for me, and perhaps for you too: you are not someone who can casually use stimulants probably. I know ive said ive done it since but its because ive built up over the years such a realization of how negative it was for me, that those few times I did it after with people in the tiniest amounts all I noticed was body tension. And first I had to stop doing it completely. Essentially even if you can do it again, it might as well be dead to you and thats the only reason you can do a bit, because it isnt enjoyable at all. Its like breaking up with someone.

Yamaoto Toshi · 2022-08-07 04:36

>>61519 >>61520 You don't need to have something to say in a chatroom. You can just ask people what they're doing and act interested and quickly you'll find someone excited to tell you all about whatever thing they're doing. Works best in creative communities. Creative communities as in communities centered around something that involves creating anything, not just artistic things. >But I there's this one channel full of anonymous posts using a whisper bot. I read through a few out of curiosity and I find this one post I just KNOW is about me. And it fuarrrking tore through me. If the post applies to you, there's nothing wrong with using it to kick off some introspection, even if it hurts. But I'm confused, this is some random discord server? Why would the post be from her? >>61467 Slightly disagree. Sometimes writing your problems down and just bitching for a while is helpful. If someone is drowning in misery, they absolutely should gtfo of places where other miserable people congregate, but having a place to vent can be helpful if you don't make it a major part of your life.

John Titor · 2022-08-07 04:38

>>61618 middle section is for >>61491 spam filter pls no discard

Fred Nurk · 2022-08-07 05:33

friends i finally learned to love out partying at some event at my place, stayed in cause not interested in crowd, come in anytime if you need anything. feel like a parent but not in a bad way, happy to be a safe place to return while they boldly face the world and everyone in it. Ive been this person for some years, and I could easily be this kind of person for awhile longer.

The Phantom Phreak · 2022-08-07 05:47

>>61620 I wish I had the social grace to be this kind of person. I feel like the world needs more of them.

Zero Cool · 2022-08-07 07:03

For the past year or so, I've felt alarmingly disconnected from reality. Part of it was pharmacological, I've found out. I stopped taking NAC supplements which give me anhedonia. And yet, even the basic facts of reality don't "click". I stare at my country's flag, and I remember seeing it, I remember perfectly what it is, what it means, and the other contexts in which I've seen it, but it no longer holds any symbolic power in my mind. Such a lack of emotional attachment makes social interactions kind of difficult, or at least, different. It simultaneously feels like I'm not "inside" the present moment and that I have no history. Is this just internet brainrot? Depression? Some kind of stress response? "Enlightenment"? I've been running hard to try and treat it, and it seems to help a little bit.

The Oracle · 2022-08-07 09:06

>>61623 >I remember perfectly what it is, what it means, and the other contexts in which I've seen it, but it no longer holds any symbolic power in my mind. you're describing the baseline state of existence. People don't naturally have emotional responses to flags, it's just part of nationalist brainwashing. It would be a little more disconcerting if you had the same problem with things that actually should have some emotional weight, such as your family, friends, etc. >Is this just internet brainrot? Depression? Some kind of stress response? "Enlightenment"? I've been running hard to try and treat it, and it seems to help a little bit. Probably you're a little bit depressed.

Pris · 2022-08-07 21:23

>>61618 >But I'm confused, this is some random discord server? Why would the post be from her? I saw her in the members tabs. Part of what she said was (paraphrased) "When people ask if I know you, I say I don't," so she probably wanted a way to vent her frustrations without bringing attention to herself. Also since it wasn't a server I was in she could say it in private. At least until I stumbled into it.

Unidentified · 2022-08-09 13:06

>>60623 I'm the same guy that posted this a month ago. fuarrrk me I miss her so much. I would give anything to have her back. Anyone who's ever said it's better to have loved and lost has no idea what this feels like.

Masami Eiri · 2022-08-09 14:52

haha I am so fuarrrking stressed My job contract expires soon and I have to figure out what I am going to do. I highly doubt I am going to be able to negotiate a comparable salary to the one I currently have in this job market. I've been trying to improve my skills outside of work and don't feel like I'm making the progress I need to. This whole period in history just really really is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

Faye Valentine · 2022-08-09 14:56

>>61594 >felt like i'm not worthy of having friends this is the part you need to work on. The rest will sort itself out if you focus on this.

Tomcat · 2022-08-09 19:23

>>61594 A few years ago, I used to have an internet friend I'd talk to every so often. I was a pretty lonely dude back then, so this felt really great. As the relationship progressed, we would talk almost every single day and the vibes were chill. She lived pretty far away, so we could talk about whatever we wanted really. This went on for years. Eventually the talking slowed down. We had a lot of real life stuff going on, but we'd still message each other every so often. She'd mention her problems and how she was struggling with mental issues, those being depression and some kind've disassociation disorder. I didn't think too much of it. No matter how much she'd describe it, I never really understood what it was like for her. Even still, we still talked like normal, I didn't think any different about her because of it. The last time I spoke to her, I sent her a song she ended up really liking. We'd send each other music every so often cuz we had similar vibes and knew what the other person might like. A couple weeks later I try looking for her account to send a meme and find that she isn't following me anymore and she even removed me from her followers list. She didn't outright block me tho, which made it really odd. I just figured it was something I did or said on my story that really bothered her and decided to leave her alone. Maybe a month later I decide that I should message her and see if she's okay, but by then her account was completely deleted. It was a bit distressing, but what could I do? Till this day, I always hope she's doing okay. It was a bit selfish to think that I was the problem. Maybe she just wanted to be noticed or was hoping someone would reach out to her. Maybe she thought I just didn't care or that I hadn't even noticed. I don't regret not messaging her, but sometimes, especially when I listen to a song she originally put me onto, I do think about her and miss her. You are worthy of friends and those friends you blocked from your life all miss you.

Lady Jessica · 2022-08-10 06:10

my back hurts like a piece of wood being broken and my eyes hang like a bull's testicles with cancer

Jens Hansen · 2022-08-10 06:12

So, I was born into two cults. My family was heavily involved in both and it really messed me up. I broke ties with one side of the family and barely keep in touch with the other. This family fuarrrked me up I'm on a low dose of heavy duty meds and I'm barely living. I don't use mainstream social media, and I really have no life. I really hope I don't have to go through life over again. I guess my biggest regret was speaking out against the bullshit at a young age. Should of just picked a side, because at least I would of always had some kind of job. I just can't swallow the bullshit they feed to their followers.

The Phantom Phreak · 2022-08-10 06:55

I'm trying to learn to enjoy pain as a way of coping so far it's okay, I guess

metacircular reflective overwriter · 2022-08-11 00:19

I am >>60719. I am going insane. I feel like a string puppet that is conscious it's a string puppet and conscious that it's thinking it's a string puppet because it's being moved and ordered to do so. Nobody fuarrrking gets it, no matter how hard you explain it. I feel like I'm shrieking into a loudener in a desert filled with machines that intentionally appear not to/do not care/understand. Any initiative I take is immediately slammed against the execution wall and shot down. Any help I seek to escape my incapacity to stop my thoughts always results in unfruitful "just do it / it works for me/lol just move on/ignore it"-like responses. If I was capable of it I'd have already fuarrrking done it and never talked to your soykaffaced personality that masturbates its ego by pleasing soykafty arbitrary morale/ethical values. Everybody is just a complex system that tries to forcefully gain benefits from everything, EVERYTHING. And I'm the mentally ill one for saying it? I'm mentally ill for saying the quiet part of it? I have two conflicting axioms. On one hand, the "abstract" axiom - the one most people can get behind (within their comfort and convenience zone of course); I seek absolute truth for everything. I thirst of knowledge. This is the abstract part of my mind that feels highly pleased - but it's abstract; outside of this world, or at least, not relevant to things directly related to me. The "concrete" axiom - the quiet part that no one wants me to say - the egoist, "everyone maximizes all their gain; everyone is a philosophical/rational egoist, whether they like it or not". It applies to me too, I'm able to recognize it; I am no exception. Then why do i cant fuarrrking do it oh god what the fuarrrk is going on in my head i cant talk help i cant fuarrrking handle it anymore somebody send help my head is hosting me is holding me hostage oh my god im gonna fuarrrking die i feel like im having an epielpsyu attak but im staying awakre somebody send help send help send help send ghelp why is she still talking to me about JOBS out of all things im having a fuarrrkin g breakdown why the fuarrrk is she still talking about JOBS to me come on do you not realize how im having a literal fuarrrking epiilpesy attack whiel staying awakae how do i still find the force of talkoing or typing about this here oh my god im going to fuarrrking kill myself this is too much uinbrearable mental pauin. it feels like all of my oinner monologues are screaming at once i dont udnerstand anything pelase send help i dont understand anything ianymore i cant even eval anything how is this still running this is like a zombie process send help i dont understand any of this anymore pleasep leaplesp elpa leaslp epasp aslel aslplpselp ase lp elpslpe alpaselpslpelpas lpaselpse aselp lpelpse aselslpaselpas p laselp elplp lpe lpelp saelpaselp eslpaslpaelp elpaslp aselp lplp aselpae lp elpaspase ase e pase lp aselpaselpase lpaselp ase lasel splp selpq slpsealp easlplesep ep aslpe laspeasl epalesp elsapelaspl eapsl how am i still the only one alive in my head i feel like everyone else went completely insane why am i still coherent i shouldnt be nothing of this is coh my fod shes spying on me i fucok,ng knew it she wants me to fuarrrking send me to ap sych ward with this as poroiof im done for im done for im done for im done for im done foir im done for im done for im done for imdm

Just another Random Lainon · 2022-08-11 13:28

>>61719 Deep breaths anon deep breaths try to find a comfortable place to lie down maybe you have something soft to hold onto? Try to grab that.

Ein · 2022-08-11 13:45

>>61719 Welcome to consciousness. You're just the spear tip of the Universe. Get ahold of yourself. Gaining advantage/usefulness over others, that's justconsciousness determining what needs ecycling, over what remains. There are no unlimited resources in this Univese, therefore things must be thought of in this way. Sure, suicide will free some of you from the rucus. Anything you can think of exists outside of this. The thing is, if you are there, or will be there, it is independent of what happenes here. Do you understand? Your suffering is finite and should be treasured. Enjoy the torture.

Masami Eiri · 2022-08-11 20:54

Some days ago, I got to see this girl who is a friend of my friends. She's cool, friendly and is interested in a bunch of neat stuff. It had been a month since we last saw each other and I had been hoping to see her again. She had given me a friendly compliment before, but this time, she put her hand on my upper arm - skin-to-skin. I can count on one hand the occasions where I've been touched by a woman. It was so nice. The next day, in my dream, she appeared from behind me and gently rubbed my shoulders, remarking that I "must be so exhausted." I then laid down on a bed in front of me, with her sitting on the bed by my side, and closed my eyes as I drifted away into blissful sleep. I really felt so content, so satisfied, only to open my eyes and awake into the real world. I kept replaying that dream again and again that day.

HELIOS · 2022-08-12 00:49

I don't have any aspirations. I don't want to be rich or famous or infamous or successful or productive. The only thing I wanted was to be good to her. I wanted us to be happy. I thought that everything was going to be ok as long as we were ok. I miss her so much. I have nothing else. I want nothing else. I know that every dream I had with her could be rebuilt with someone else, but I don't have anyone else and I don't want anyone else. I miss you so much.

Hagbard Celine · 2022-08-12 01:58

>>61719 There is a spiritual war, or perhaps a coordinated spiritual colonization/capture, currently underway. You are experiencing the affects of it. Do all you can to fight against any thoughts you recognize as destabilizing. While the affects are not exclusively in thought, they are certainly the most disrupting, so do recognize it for what it is: a malicious external process set in your topmost 'userland' internal environment. Your 'root' however will always be yours, and it has the strength and tools within to fight against it. You are also not alone... Many are fighting it but very few are aware, so as bad as it is you can at least now stop blaming yourself and directly resist.

Chan Siu Ming · 2022-08-15 19:49

Product Owner of my project wants to make snitch out of me. I have meeting with him once every week, he said that "he wants to use me to learn more about current situation in project". We fuarrrked up last sprint, so its possible he wants to use this info to sack someone, and i am sure he will use it to exploit us further. I feel horible with it and i dont know what to do. I cant really not show up on his meetings because he helped me before and recommended me to project. But i dont want to be someone's bitch and to unwillingly fuarrrk my mates up. My idea is to take more tasks, possible work overtime just to show i am good (for now i am possibly worst performing programmer) then i will have advantage to tell him to fuarrrk off

Haruyoshi · 2022-08-16 05:16

>>61719 You're definitely not wrong most people are selfish for the most part and I'm sorry you feel that way.

The Oracle · 2022-08-16 06:06

>>61840 If you're doing agile (I assume since you mention sprints and his title is product owner), he should be attending the sprint planning, backlog grooming, daily stand-ups and retrospectives, which should be all the insight he needs for learning about what's going on in the project. If you're feeling that your product owner is exploiting you, that is a soykaf work environment and something is not right in your team's implementation of agile. I also don't think product owners should generally be people with the power to sack people either. >My idea is to take more tasks, possible work overtime just to show i am good Don't work overtime if you're doing agile. It'll skew your velocity upwards, which will likely lead to planning for more work each sprint, resulting in a cycle of overtime.

Nell · 2022-08-16 11:50

>>61846 no he is not present on any such meetings. I read something about agile and afaik its pathology if any manager guy is present on daily standup it should be short , to the point, and only for techies.Before we never even had scrummaster on our dailies, only programmers now we have SM which tries to control everything even though its not technical person, its all because i told him there was no SM

Ivan Petrov · 2022-08-16 13:14

Life fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I'm doing well but also so fuarrrked mentally. My work isn't even particularly hard it just fuarrrks with me having me need to pick how I want to slowly lose myself. I've lose my will to do normal soykaf like anime and games years ago and I'm barely 21. Even eating is hard as fuarrrk and I hate having to explain to my family why I take two bites of anything and feel like throwing up. Take me back to the old days where I cold grind video games and watch a whole season of anime in a night rather than sitting in my room and staring at my screen for 3 hours until I have to force myself to sleep to do it again the next day.

Mentat · 2022-08-16 13:56

>>61855 You're correct that agile generally takes a "kindly fuarrrk off" approach to management, but the product owner shouldn't be a manager type, they should just be someone who can guide you guys on what the customer wants out of the product. Scrum master being controlling is awful and ineffective scrum mastering. Their main job should be addressing whatever blockers you run into. If they're making it harder to get work done, they're fuarrrking up big time. I understand your frustration.

Agent Smith · 2022-08-16 15:18

Didnt get the job, for reasons that dont even make sense to me. Getting more bored, more isolated, more alcoholic, more broke. I got back on CBD which probably helps with intrusive thoughts and angst. My crypto would have been worth 100k if Id sold it. Now Im basically ruined. I have a shot at something Im hopeful for coming up. If it doesnt work out it really will feel like game over for me.

Donna Hawthorne · 2022-08-16 15:43

well if everyone else is going to vent and blogpost I might as well too had my own house. I was renting with a girl, tried to do the whole white picket fence thing. miscarriage, then her crazy religious family's constant sabotage and my alcoholism eventually ended it all. as an unskilled labor peasant because my time in the military didnt translate into anything useful I couldnt afford it, or anything else really by myself. had to sell the car for a deposit on a new place. real ghetto soykafhole; tried crack kek. no license from my DUI awhile ago. work from home doing a job that isnt really a job. get drunk every day. walk to the store for more beer every day on my lunch break. i feel like I'm trapped in a fuarrrking coffin. all my prospects are in the wind. I used to have a cool job and friends, and they're gone. I had her, now she's gone. I cant enjoy my books or my vidya anymore. I just turned 27. I dont have the energy to do anything anymore. never even prepare food, just survive on cans that I eat cold half the time. nothing to do but lay in bed slowly deteriorating and drinking warm beer.

Shogun · 2022-08-16 16:03

>>61862 If this is a real post then Ill say this: You are at the prime age of 27. It's not that old; meaning you can still turn things around. One of my childhood friend became an all around drug addict and seller from very early age (due to family issues). Anyway the guy was quite intelligent, and he managed to kick the habit due to some self reflection and life changes. He did a lot of drugs and he sounds a bit groggy when I met him, but you could tell the main intellectual capacity was still in there and now he's back in college. Even if he is in classes with 17 year olds and it must be a pain he is doing it and getting top grades. And plans to go to law school / get a masters. It's never too late to start changing for the better, we cant all let our previous faliures be an excuse to do what we're supposed to do and you can be forgiven for your mistakes if you try. Hopefully you can find help to quit, join AA, but in the end its your own choice and thats that.

Nguoi La · 2022-08-16 17:14

>>61863 thanks man I actually appreciate the wholesome reply. it's funny you brought up law. I say this, I even think it with caution because I've learned that having plans you dont act on is a great way to feel good about doing absolutely nothing, but i've played with the idea myself. the thing I love most about my drug induced crawl through the institutions and lower dregs of humanity since my discharge was the fuarrrking humanity of it. simply put I love the fuarrrked up people. it would be damn cool to be a public defender who actually gave a soykaf about helping people. the cost is nearly impossible for a pleb like me, especially since the half of my income that doesnt go to rent goes to the loans I took to spoil that ungrateful woman. however, I figure, why the fuarrrk not go bankrupt? what are they gonna take? aint got soykaf cept a walmart mattress, a bunch of books and a caseless PC that looks like a bowl of spaghetti for the iron giant. with some more actual cash in hand I can give college a go again. there are still places where one can "read law" - that is, become a lawer and take the bar exam by studying under someone who currently practices with only a bachelors degree. i may have an old connection to do just that. all that said I just have to get out of this fuarrrking coffin. been trying different religious soy and different drugs. AA is pretty much worshipping alcohol. when i was getting tested 3-4 times a week and mandated to do so nothing would fuarrrk me up more than an AA meeting. half the people there are court ordered. the other half are old fuarrrks who get off regaling tales of their odyssey beyond the pale- ya know- then it ends with "I left my baby in the microwave" or some soy like that. I stay pretty socially isolated from anyone I give a damn about for their own good, but an old friend found my number somehow and wants me to come live with him for a few weeks on the beach in florida. maybe chasing coke and fresh-off-the-beach sluts for a bit can get my mind off the one who broke my heart. maybe then I can get down to business. /blogpost sorry I have no friends

Unsigned · 2022-08-16 18:20

fuarrrk the daydreams i hate it i hate the real world too the other night i dreamed that i drove off a bridge and i was really fuarrrking happy in that dream survival drive is some sick joke maybe men aren't meant to grow this old (22 lol!!!!!!!!!)

Unidentified · 2022-08-17 03:38

>>61862 I hope you do something nice for yourself.

Wintermute · 2022-08-17 11:10

seems like the same soykaf on repeat with you isnt it i wonder if thats how you see me. i think we are more similar than you will ever know, or maybe you know it perfectly as I and thats why we never talk. except, not to be rude, im just not quite as stupid. or maybe I just made the right, bad decisions. dont u know im good luck ? its funny you always do worse away, but its like you interpret me as some bad omen and so you leave and then things turn to soykaf and you must think "I knew it" when if you just stuck around you dont even know the help I could provide. i am angel i am evil im senseless im just an observer im retarded im super genous. you ar e the source of everything wrong, my life is just fine except for you. And my life is just not quite how id want knowing you are so close. Its like looking in a mirror head on, if only I could see myself from the other angel. so many things more important, everyone would say so, but your my greatest failure. and everyday i repeat the failure, and everyday it becomes more of a complex. i am great big screwdriver unscrewing and screwing everything up and down. i am consumate professjonalism i am photojournalist in hell to heaven and i love you x10 forever.

Switch · 2022-08-17 23:09

>>61885 wanna take a second to breathe lain? you don't sound like you're doing too hot

William Holtzer · 2022-08-18 02:58

>>61885 well if you love this guy so much there has to be a way to make things right, yeah? maybe i'm naive assuming it's so easy but i don't see why you can't

Ishikura "Tatsu" Tatsuhiko · 2022-08-18 07:52

I don't want to be all dramatic, but I feel like I just never be with anyone. I just have such a different upbringing to everyone that I don't know what to relate with people. Mostly just bad stuff happened in my life. And all my late childhood to late teens was essentially living with pain and being alone. And that's fine, but like. What do I even have with anyone together? I lived in a pretty much alternate reality. The only people I actually feel comfortable opening up with are other weirdos or trauma victims. Since I know they'll understand me. Issue is, I barely know any. In last 10 years, I found one person irl who I connected with, and like 4 online. I feel I'll just drift further and further apart from the norm. And that's fine, but once you are on the edge of society, you realize you essentially have to wear a mask and perform every little mundane bullshit or you are seen as subhuman. I feel like I have no way out of this and it somewhat bothers me.

The Phantom Phreak · 2022-08-18 14:03

I think that everyone in my family is just an actor, my memories are probably fake, the products in the supermarket are probably made out of plastic or bugs, I feel like there is cameras in my mirrors. Everybody I tried to talk about this online just called me schizo or they just made fun of me. I'm probably better this way without friends, because I think that most people see me as a ridiculous clown rather than someone with serious problems, I'm not even sure that my name is my real name. Maybe this is all delusions, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I used to be suicidal, but I'm gonna die one day so if I want to die all I have to do is to wait.

Tomohisa "Tom" Kanezaki · 2022-08-18 15:05

>>61901 Does it really matter if any of this is real? Even if every second up to this one and everything around you is some form of illusion, you're still here. Might as well just do whatever is fulfilling.

Nell · 2022-08-18 16:37

>>61902 I guess, yeah, I wanna become a nurse so I can help people, and record ambient music in my free time.

Jane Doe · 2022-08-18 17:14

I neglected to push my commits and accidentally clumsily fuarrrkily deleted them. That's five commits gone. The work of a day. Guess I'll have to come in Saturday AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Mario Rossi · 2022-08-18 18:22

>>61905 How did you delete them? Maybe you can restore them. Unless you delete your .git folder, it's probably possible.

Sneederman · 2022-08-18 18:57

I will never have a comfy girl to cuddle with, who will put her hand on my chest and hold me, or hug me, or kiss me. :(

Void · 2022-08-18 19:15

>>61907 I worked on a remote server for testing and for safety reasons it doesn't have any other connections than my single ssh-connection. I can commit without issues but to push them to the repo I need to copy them over via scp to my workstation. That's where muscle memory fuarrrked me up. Usually I'd exit from the ssh-connection and scp them over. It gave me a warning that it was already present so I had to delete them I thought. Only too late did I realize that it didn't exit me from ssh but from fuarrrking fish and I was still on my remote-testing machine.

Guthrie · 2022-08-18 20:05

>>61911 So you usually copy your entire repo over or just the files you changed? If you run `git log` on your server, do your commits still show up (assuming you haven't switched branches or anything). That's a really odd workflow, lain.

Joe Bloggs · 2022-08-18 20:57

>>61918 I'm aware of the weirdness present and for the first time it's actually been a hindrance. I appreciate your help. At least it was only documentation.

Project 2501 · 2022-08-18 22:15

I think that I'm pretty dumb, I'm gonna try to make something useful from my life, and if I fail I'm just gonna kill myself, I don't like it when people say a bunch of feel-good-cope, this is it for me.

Cowboy · 2022-08-18 22:35

>>61925 >needing to feel useful in order to want to live shiggy wiggy

Technician · 2022-08-19 02:23

>>61926 yes, what's the problem?

Guthrie · 2022-08-19 04:16

>>61930 one day you will understand how useful it is to be useless

Six · 2022-08-19 19:13

I like pushing boundaries a lot. I do it because I'm curious to see how everything works not because I want to troll others. But people really don't like it they get incredibly angry it's like I killed their child. I have no friends it gets lonely when you just want to be yourself but people find yourself undesirable. I won't change myself just for company though because it never leads to anything good. I just hate the fact that noone appreciates pushing boundaries as much as I do. It isn't just a tool for trolls its a way of obtaining knowledge.

Undisclosed · 2022-08-20 04:23

>>61933 Not him but I feel the same. Viewing myself as a mere tool for society to use seems rational enough, given the way things work, but it's also making me feel miserable. Could you elaborate though? Aside from potential mental health benefits like better self-esteem, giving up this line of thinking is generally unproductive, as I lose my motivation which is driven primarily by fear, e.g. "I'll stop being useful and will end up on the streets."

Pris · 2022-08-20 04:34

After 2 years, I am finally underezzed on 4chan.

Emmanuel · 2022-08-20 06:24

>>61954 imagine your death; for you will die if you continue say "it's magic!" and feel it true, to be free, immortal any more elaboration misses the point; the nonsensical approach works best

Nobody special · 2022-08-20 07:26

i'm tired of European history inspired settings for fiction. i've seen crusader knights, roman legions, vikings, cossacks, rennaisance mercenaries; all multiple times. sometimes in fiction that tries to be historically accurate, sometimes in fiction that only uses their aesthetics in combination with fantasy or futurism of some sort. it's just boring to me at this point.

Y.T · 2022-08-20 07:29

>>61955 Follow up: I'm derezzed again.

Hong, Guil Dong · 2022-08-20 22:06

I wonder if I'll ever be able to free myself from my own mind It's what's been causing me to suffer all these years yet I don't know how to deal with it My situation is... Pretty good, all things considered. Okay health (I'm semi-chronically ill but it's not debilitating), a few friends, grew up in a good family, work a nice job Certain things suck real bad, but I deal with them. Yet my brain keeps trying to be miserable and suicidal all the time. I push for the bright side but that sad part of me is just non-stop and always there bitching about something and I just don't know how to stop it

Tequila · 2022-08-21 11:59

>>61895 i had awhole thing typed but, its really up in the air whether we will talk again. You arent naive in the sense that so many I know have thought the same, and on the surface it seems we should talk again. I had a whole anecdote though as to why in some ways it is naive (though again your not naive for thinking it). In short though, have you ever had an argument or like a cessation of talking with someone that stemmed purely from a misunderstanding? Your not mad at the other person and never were, but at some point, through no fault of anyone, they took something you said incredibly personally. And its the kind of situation where the more you explain or try to go "no but wait I meant..." the worse it sounds and the more hostile the conversation becomes. In the end you just have to go "yes I was the villain" and ask for forgiveness and just hope with time they forgive. Its like that but over the course of 5 years on and off and never explicitly addressed. Saying "people are irrational" makes it sound like something im above, but its something like that. In an ideal world this is so easily resolved, but in this one, the best option to repair this is for me to have extended my arm and then nothing more, and simply wait. The dilemna is for me, like how long do I wait. When do I accept "this person is gone". Its especially difficult with this one as its someone whos been out of my life for like a year and come back before. Though its approaching a year now. I was at a leasing office in the area they work and where that work is, is on a street i used to hang out around a lot. I convinced myself itd been so long since id been there id just take a stroll and if i saw them then that would just be what it is. But to my surprise I actually did, i saw them from behind, unmistakeable person even from behind. I could hardly walk I had to look at my phone to keep walking. And when I looked up, gone. I have no idea how much time passed, if I was seen and they hid, or if itd just been awhile and they were just out on break in the street about to go back in. I dont remember if this happened and is what caused me to post what you were replying to, or if this happened after. But after some time thinking about it, I remember thinking "that was a really stupid idea". I think seeing them again could only cause me grief, for someone who said im evil a lot you wouldnt believe the paths I was led down with them. I feel like mutually we are eachothers biggest failures. I was thinking about how sometimes I think they see me like a dog they kicked too many times, but I also see them like that. I was thinking "who was the dog who was kicked too many times actually".

Neuromancer · 2022-08-21 12:42

Does anybody else not get along with their siblings at all? I've seen some siblings that are like best friends and that is just weird to me because we always fought and never really liked each other. It doesn't help that I have to live with some of them and somehow get along so that makes everything even worse because if you are forced to live with someone you don't like you'll just end up hating them. My brother is getting married and I'm supposed to care about that, go to the wedding and talk to people and pretend I'm happy for him but I don't care at all. I don't want to be anywhere near him I don't know what to do I think I'll just refuse to go but I'm afraid that would make the situation even worse, my parents would not like that at all... Being surrounded by people I don't get along with is a constant struggle because I have to try to ignore them as much as I can, that's the only thing I can do now before I can move out and when I do I don't think I'll contact them again which is very depressing and I feel bad for my parents for having a son like me, they would be happier if I was more like my brother, outgoing, loud, always making jokes and making people laugh but I'm not. I'm here for their entertainment and I'm not doing my job. I literally sit in my room not bothering anyone and somehow I'm still causing problems, everytime I walk out of my room they are staring at me like I'm supposed to say something but I don't know what to say I don't feel comfortable around them and I'm not a jester who has something funny to say everytime you meet him. People like me are usually successful because they found out what they wanted to do early in life and obsessively pursued it from there. I didn't do that so I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing now. I have already tried to kill myself but failed, at least now I know how to do it painlessly because it didn't hurt at all unlike most people online made me believe I lost consciousness in 10 seconds and I think I can do it again.

Wintermute · 2022-08-22 07:14

Honestly I think I'm a pedohpile, or at least hebephile as I feel attracted to 10 to 13 year old girls like Jodie Foster on Taxi Driver. Another reason to add on my list, in support of committing suicide I guess. But to cope with this I'm not exclusively attracted girls that age, as I'm mostly into adults.

Erik Johansson · 2022-08-22 10:12

>>61973 "Stop spamming", soykafhole of a site with a soykaf fork, see pic related, its my answer.

Cutter · 2022-08-22 11:00

>>61926 >>61930 for what it's worth, this tends to happen when the body detects low social status

Void · 2022-08-22 11:59

>>61954 What can you judge on being rational when you don't know what's good and what's bad for you, when you can't distinguish the good and the evil, and the only life goal you can think of is something that is right in front of your nose, suffocating you and obstructing your vision? What can you possibly ever provide when you entirely depend on others? What is the use to you, what is the innate value that you hold when you are unable to produce for yourself and enjoy by yourself? What is the productivity of a self-hating slave who is like an empty shell, who has only his body to offer, who has no soul, no gaze and no creation that is greater than oneself? >rational >productive >motivation >benefits >self-esteem All that bullshit. Pure poison. You need to unplug.

Emmanuel · 2022-08-22 20:16

I accidentally stepped on a cricket and I can't forget/get over the gross crunchy sensation. It's the worst.

Hacker · 2022-08-22 21:33

>>61970 why do you think you must be a jester for your parents to keep you around? is everyone in your family a clown? believe it or not but parents and elders are happy even by simply having your presence there i'd suggest you to stop thinking about disappointing your parents, it's much more probable that they are concerned for you because, as you say, you don't even feel comfortable with them and they sense your unhappiness

藤原純一 · 2022-08-22 23:21

>>61964 to be honest , I find myself in a can't be bothered to live ; can't be bothered to die headspace . I do feel my friends honoring me with a look like this =v= that I think of as like " ᚄ " ( insert something something harmlessly or constructively corresponding love ) " ᚄ " . I don't feel as-if I can get anywhere this any way other than by moving alone. I feel continually tricked into remaining alive. I can't repeat myself enough saying so. In the ideal worst case scenario, I poorly clear the path for pilgrimage, so I disappoint everyone while learning little. I make it all the way though, so I spy on a powerful scary girl hoping she murders mi giving mi a promised end . I wish somebody would talk about my future directly, without analogy, metaphor, suggestion, or discretion. I think I should commit suicide while not a single person can promise me some concrete worries for dreams, cares for dreams, as well as physical sensuality like hugs, dancing, or foot-licking.

Spooky · 2022-08-23 01:03

I had no *real* reason to fuarrrk up like I did. That's what irks me now: beforehand I was denying, in kernelspace, no less, that I even fuarrrked up (inhibiting the userspace process: consciousness of reality). And it's going to cost me severely. Positively delightful how momentary decisions made in inhibited states can turn a year's worth of work and wealth to ash. Well, at least I have my sense of reality back now. Embrace the suck, keep your head down, redeem yourself as best you can. I missed seeing you all in full psychic color.

Tyrell Wellick · 2022-08-23 09:26

Fell in love with a girl. She was very receptive, we kissed and even "did it". But then something happened, she told me she's actually a lesbian. Basically ending the romance, and leaving me with pain in my heart. And she still wants to be friends. I met up with her once more, to talk things out. Not much was there to talk out, she apologized to me for ending things so abruptly. But we still had a lovely time together, just a bit more platonic. I'm not sure what to do, she really wants to stay in touch, and I do too, I don't have many friends to begin with and we get along really well even without the romance. But still it hurts and I'm confused. Why does it have to be so complicated? And why do I have no clue how to deal with this?

Naomi Nascimento · 2022-08-23 11:15

Im sick how anonymous forums are full of bickering and overt mental illness. Its total noise. Even me now complaining about it is adding to the mess. I dont get involved with flame wars but I dont understand how after all this time people still get drawn into it, they must like fighting. Its bizarre, even if its bots.

Marly Krushkhova · 2022-08-23 11:22

>>62004 Seriously dont bother. She sounds immature. Even if you did get together again she would just announce she's leaving one day without a care in the world. She doesnt care about how you feel or she wouldnt have hooked up with one of her dyke friends or whatever she's doing. You should actually hate her for it and beat her ass. She cheated on you.

Donna Hawthorne · 2022-08-23 12:16

I just spent like 2 hours staring at a image a female friend of mine posted on social media, thinking about why I react with such repulsion to posts like it. It's a obvious validation seeking, over-filtered and procured "aren't I pretty?" post, caption and image. I'm pretty sure she has the same problem as me, feeling unwanted and alone. But instead of coping by retreating to the workshop she tries to cope by fishing for attention on social media. I still don't fully get why I feel such a deep emotional reaction to it. Maybe it's envy, I'd never get those kinds of comments. But that seems unlikely, I've received plenty of positive attention for a tutorial video I posted on YouTube and didn't feel anything. I don't get it.

Undisclosed · 2022-08-23 12:41

>>62010 your survival instinct is aware of people you should avoid at all costs.

Fred Nurk · 2022-08-23 13:40

>>62007 Yeah maybe you are right. Honestly though, I never expected love to be such a powerful feeling, that it would be so influential on the way you handle things. I want to let go but my heart refuses.

Dujour · 2022-08-23 14:13

today... i want to die but this desire to die are close to " i want to escape from reality ". Note to self. I should eat and rest properly. Exercise probably needed as we.

Hagbard Celine · 2022-08-24 03:40

Earlier today my friend started detailing his NTR fetish for about 20 minutes, and how it stemmed from getting cheated on repeatedly by the same girl. Society had not adequately prepared me for that conversation. I had no idea how to respond. I've never had a gf, let alone sex. It's such an alien concept that I'm genuinely starting to think that sex is just a big meme that I'm not in on like fingerboxes.

Sabo Engle · 2022-08-24 04:44

Hey guys any room for self-pitying word salad? No? Great. for a long long time I've been in a state where I don't imagine that I'll ever be happy having social anxiety, missing out on my youth, never having had friends, has made me into such a bitter person, who so often lashes out, who even when he wants to be kind, is incapable of being there for others, that I tell myself that I don't deserve any other people. The only fantasy I have that seems achievable is to die on a mountain A quote that has never left my head is: If you die young people will remember you for what you could've been rather than what you were and I'm now older than that age. It's obvious to all that I'm disabled in some way . My life and behavior can be characterized by only that word, because what able man doesn't have a single friend, doesn't go in public, has never worked, and is so unpleasant to make his own family dislike him My parents did a horrible job on me, but even people who were truly abused seem to be able to make friends and I was only neglected. My case is the result of some form of autism paired with emotionally stunted, incompetent parents. I would've benefitted tremendously from strong parental guidance paired with professional intervention and its painful knowing that I'll never live in a mind that had a good childhood. I have ambition but I have nowhere to put it. I have an anxiety disorder and I really don't enjoy my life all that much. I understand that life is difficult for everyone, but it's upsetting reading posts by people who have friends complaining. I'd kill to be you

Pulse · 2022-08-24 05:32

>>62029 if you want to evolve, you may want to reconsider what the words "success" "remember" "friends" mean. they may be lies

Anonymous · 2022-08-24 07:42

it's weird how your mind can make you feel like your insides are tearing up and apart One ought to control such power!

Bobby Newmark · 2022-08-24 07:43

Why did I have to get stuck with my only friend left being a highly demanding cock teasing holier than thou new ager.

Jim Hilger · 2022-08-24 17:38

>>62030 Thank you for the entirely unhelpful and schizophrenic suggestion I'm not going to redefine and challange the clear set biological rules that a person must adhere to to be happy (read: social interaction and a feeling of belonging) You're free to try it. Tell us how it goes

Crazy Jake · 2022-08-24 18:12

>>62036 I'm not that guy, but I don't think you understood him. Not about what they are defined as, as we understand it, but rather how you, specifically, would reach them. What is success to you may not be success to me. I found it strange that your immediate response, due to not understand him, was to lash out and refer to him as mentally ill... Then, by declaring your idea of what happiness is, as if it were some unbreakable standard. I will have you know that social interaction and feeling like I belong do not make me happy. I feel generally neutral about the sensation of belonging, and social interaction tends to feel generally negative. For example, this interaction I am having with you is generally negative to me and I'm questioning whether I should bother even clicking "post" or just closing the page. But with the sunken cost fallacy kicking in, I feel like I may as well.

Joey · 2022-08-25 12:26

Lemme see how soykaf has been going since Dec. >had some mad bint I went out on a date with accuse me off doing something I hadnt after ghosting me all week. I wasnt massively into her but I dont like being lied about. >got vexxed with family who seemed totally onboard with tyrannical lockdowns and vaccine mandates. Got funny when I said I wasnt taking it. >Got Covid, just a bad flu for a week or so, big deal, spent xmas on my own >Saw family over NYE, mother said something that massively vexxed me on the evening, starting spiralling into old memories about things she'd done. Im fine with her now tho >something happened a few months later that repeated this same theme with my family, at times when Ive been plagued by bad thoughts Ive drunk and done coke, not necessarily bad as it helped me work on music >crypto crash upon crash, projects getting hacked, privacy project Im massively involved with has government crosshairs on it. Basically go from it being worth 100k to I dont even want to say. Thats the most financial success Ive ever known now gone. >Beautiful lady is friendly and shows me interest, get her number, no response, spend the weekend doing cocaine. Eventually see her again irl "shes quite busy" >Struggling to get work. do two tests and submit article for freelance writing job, nearly get it, they reject application based on fickle editing reasons, even though these can be easily fixed. >still hopeful, a music company seems interested and can probably provide good placements for my tunes. >work with mastering engineer, music sounding great, send tunes, turns out they arnt interested after all. Look up the profile of the guy who rejected it, he's a light weight douche who makes tame, bland music. >On the plus side I got a bit of money this week, downside, its inherited from my uncle who died due to covid complications last year. Just spoke to a friend on the phone, made me feel better about everything but its getting weird how nothing seems to work out, I cant seem to catch a break. There was a lightning storm above me last night. I felt like going out onto the roof and getting struck by it.

Roger Pollack · 2022-08-25 13:29

Honestly I have been reading r/mengetrapedtoo from plebbit and I'm so jealous of some of those experiences. Especially when some older girl, usually a nanny haves sex with teenager boys (usually the OP, which was around 12 to 15) years old on it's time. Makes me feel even worse about being autistic male virgin at late life.

Crazy Jake · 2022-08-25 16:28

>>62047 I wish I looked like a girl. I wanna put on make up, wear tight black dresses around my waist while I'm underweight, dance for men while they stare at my big breast. But that's just not going to happen, I look at myself on the mirror, and I imagine, but that's it. Maybe I'll regret that I never did what I want when I am old, but I don't want people to put me in a cage of stereotypes or weird opinions, I think that I'll just stay this way, just another average guy who is a little feminine.

Ivan Petrov · 2022-08-26 13:32

What's up with self-help gurus promoting "taking on responsibility"? Why would I want to do that? With great risk comes great reward and everything, but I can scrape by with what little I have and I don't have anyone or anything I would want to spend money on.

藤原純一 · 2022-08-26 19:42

>>62068 ...then you don't need their advice anyway. Besides, I've yet to see anyone actually help themselves after consuming self-help books (or their modern incarnation, webinars). A lot of that crap is plain old magical thinking anyway, no better than what the new age movement used to peddle. The worst is hearing someone switch their tone of voice and start spouting lines they've obviously rehearsed which bounce right off me, then they get mad because it didn't work.

Hacker · 2022-08-27 02:54

>>62050 You just want to live an easy life, and whether you admit it or not, you know that women live easier than men. Make peace with that fact instead of covering it up with delusions.

Ishikura "Tatsu" Tatsuhiko · 2022-08-27 23:13

>>62085 >women live easier than men The 1950s are over, grandpa.

Jim Hilger · 2022-08-28 04:37

how do I get girlfriend without talking to people I don't care about

Trinity · 2022-08-28 06:02

>>62100 realize you wont care about your girlfriend after the momentary release which comes with much pain attached thereafter

Cowboy · 2022-08-28 13:07

>>62100 Look for a deaf woman.

Hagbard Celine · 2022-08-28 15:57

>>62100 Do not try to find a gf at bars, parties or using apps. Instead try to find a gf at work, school or through hobbies.

Acid Burn · 2022-08-28 18:32

>>62114 Why should he limit himself? He might find the same person through any of those means. Gorram flood detected BS again...

Pris · 2022-08-28 18:54

>>62115 How do you get to know someone at a bar, or a party? Even apps I can only understand if you've been doing some shared activity together online.

Sneederman · 2022-08-29 04:57

I feel like I need to get to know someone before I become dating them, not after, but I don't know anyone and I don't think I ever will :( Everyday I'm reminded of how I don't have someone to lay in bed watching cartoons with, and it makes me want to kms so much.

Joey · 2022-08-29 07:42

i am broke as fuarrrk, have no food, mentally taildiving just trying to live to be honest its really exhausting doing my best to hang in there and "live my best life" but god damn its just pain

SHODAN · 2022-08-29 17:09

I thought I had potential for things, but turns out I'm just a moron. Stuff comes into my head, I don't comprehend it, and It leaves. I try and am too stupid to tell if I failed or not or where I'm supposed to go. I ask for help and dont listen. When i do try to follow directions i dont comprehend what the advice even means or if it's even trustworthy. I didn't even know how to read until a few months ago. And I still can't comprehend what I'm reading now. I can't be human. I don't even love my own mother who loves me. It just doesn't activate inside of me. Nothing activates. I tried to solve it all myself and fuarrrked my life up even more. I'm probably an actual soykafpost bot made flesh. There's nothing in my brain.

Yu-ichi · 2022-08-29 17:33

>>62132 >I didn't know how to read a month ago Most people take years to learn how to read.

Judge Fang · 2022-08-29 22:11

>>62132 >>62133 >I didn't know how to read a month ago What do you guys mean by this?

Koos van der Merwe · 2022-08-29 22:15

>>62136 Most people read in a very superficial way. One could hardly really call it "reading", frankly.

Joey · 2022-08-29 22:19

>>62137 Do you mean by on a basis of reading comprehension? Making connections to meanings of words? Or understanding what is being inferred through context, grammar, and even emotion? I fail to understand this concept. I would like to know if I "know how to read" or not.

Erik Johansson · 2022-08-29 22:20

>>62115 >Why should he limit himself? It's not "limiting" but rather focusing on situations where he is more likely to meet a possible future girl friend. Most people go to parties and bars with their friends and aren't looking for friends or romantic partners. And "dating" apps are just for sex.

Erik Johansson · 2022-08-30 01:36

It's funny how often I attribute my misery to the distance between now and my ideals but more often than not it's just bodily malfunction

Roger Pollack · 2022-08-30 14:14

>>62139 All of it. I can read something, but I don't understand what the words actually mean. It's even hard to follow instructions because I never comprehend what people are saying. Why they chose the words they did or what the sentences they say are actually trying to convey.

Ivan Petrov · 2022-08-30 17:42

I need to quit Discord to focus on my studies but it's very hard. Sometimes I stop using it for a few days but then I keep going back to using it everyday for 5+ hours. It's because I have no real life friends and I need some type of interaction with people, online friends are all I have for that and I think I'm going to go insane if I stop talking to them. I don't want to delete my account, I just want to stop using it for a while and then go back after maybe a year. Getting real life friends is impossible, I feel like I'm located in the worst possible place I could be for finding people like me I've always felt like this so I just gave up on any hope for finding real life friends. Friend groups I've been in before were good just for having fun but deep down I knew I never belonged with them so it slowly became harder and harder to keep the relationships and we just drifted apart. Things might change once I start working and move out but I'm not counting on that.

Cat Mother · 2022-08-30 18:44

>>62146 I see. I was wondering if you guys were talking about comparative reading or not. Words come naturally to me, I'm a writer and avid reader. I was fortunate enough to be able to pick up language and have cognizant conversations about things I learned when I was 2. If you were the anon that said you just figured out how to read, I have nothing to say. As for the listening part, maybe evaluate your depression levels and social skills. I have a very active internal monologue so sometimes I talk over the person in my head so I have to mimic what they say to stay focused/comprehend their words, or I don't understand words sometimes flat out but I attribute that to long periods of being unsocialized and depressed-- not being able to focus just the same. I believe all of these things are skills that can be trained, good luck my friend.

Chan Siu Ming · 2022-09-01 04:33

I just wish I had more time to draw Just basic comforts and time to produce a decent amount of work would leave me the happiest man on earth

Dr. X · 2022-09-01 04:56

>>62037 His post was cryptic and unhelpful I'm not one to take random suggestions on the internet so seriously, but a lot of this thread shows that there are plenty of people who might cause some degree of harm to themselves if they were told that the words "friends" and "remember" are lies Random cryptic soykaf doesn't belong in a thread where people are laying out their psycology and being vulnerable, especially on the topic of mental illness That's why I was being a big evil meanie head towards that anon >I will have you know that social interaction and feeling like I belong do not make me happy Then you're not actually having fun with other people and you must not actually feel like you belong. It's probably better to accept that you're lacking something instead of wrongly defining yourself as someone who's downright incapable of being happy

Tequila · 2022-09-01 14:00

>>62150 I'll say from experience, if you drop from online communities for a year, when you come back not everyone will still be there waiting for you. It sounds to me like you need to be lessening the time you spend on discord and not getting rid of its use entirely.

Masami Eiri · 2022-09-01 16:19

>>62154 I came to the realization that I wasn't actually listening to anyone and then I started doing that. Following their words in my head and life just got 10x easier, I just listen carefully focusing only on what they are saying and I realize that's what normal people naturally do, and in turn my body naturally just responds with an answer I don't have to think or force anything because I really really paid attention so I don't owe them a good answer. Like I used to just be nervous all the time but I never really listened even though I thought I was.

Motoko Kusanagi · 2022-09-03 00:00

I see with the greatest clarity I've had for, probably, several years if not a decade. It's terrifying. I feel like I'm going nuts and being blessed by god all at once. This comes after a week-long period of the greatest energy I've ever had. I feel that nothing serves to illustrate the scope of the world, that illustration of the world within the world is impossible if not insulting. These words too are hilarious. Life is all at once impossibly broad, deep, and short. I won't waste this gift. To do so would probably condemn me forever. But it's so terrifying either way. Three words: Divine Light Restored.

Yet Another Lainon · 2022-09-03 04:28

I'm procrastinating on writing again. I'm literally on the final scene of my story, and I can't fuarrrking summon the... I dunno, drive to finally complete it. In a way, I think I might be a bit scared to finally finish it. Maybe I'm scared I can't end the story in a satisfying way, maybe I just don't want it to end; just let it drift in perpetuity forever, like a ship sailing eternally into the sunset. Maybe I'm just loath to put the ending to paper because, deep down, I know that in my head, it's perfect, it's a beautifully saccharine, satisfying conclusion, but when I finally put it to paper it'll have to lose that perfection, like an angel coming down from heaven, taking the form of a mortal human, and have to be... Well... Something real. It's a bit difficult. I've often heard that any artistic venture is a compromise between your vision and reality, and that's about the best way I can describe it. I feel like I'm being overly dramatic but that's about all I can be. It's stupid as fuarrrk. I want a stiff drink but I know damn well that'll only make things worse. I should probably just close the tab and get to work.

The Phantom Phreak · 2022-09-03 21:25

I feel like I'm wasting my time because I'm in my last year of college and almost everyone in my class already has a code monkey job but I don't because I've been wasting too much time doing nothing I guess... Or because I have no idea how I'm supposed to have a full time job and not fail every single class. It doesn't help that I hate my classes and I would also hate a boring web dev job, but eventually I'll have to deal with it. I know I could've easily gotten a job after the first year if I had just tried harder but I didn't which makes me feel even worse about myself. I don't know if I should start looking for one this year or wait until I graduate I don't know what to do I feel like everyone is ahead of me in that regard while I'm working on my side projects that employers won't care about.

Judge Fang · 2022-09-03 21:42

>>62275 Graduating without a job can be a catastrophe, depending on the culture in your country. Sometimes if you have no experience and dont get a graduate position you may as well throw away your degree

Agent Smith · 2022-09-03 22:11

not this^ sometimes you go to simply get educated and make connections. You may not make as much money as the one who got picked into a undergrad affiliate job position however you're as educated and capable.

Motoko Kusanagi · 2022-09-03 22:56

>>62278 not being a current student means you cant even legally do internships in some european countries. Graduate positions also require you to have graduated at a particular (recent) time. Other positions require professional experience. So if you dont follow the typical pathway you can end up making things really hard for yourself. Especially because there is an extreme surplus of entry level graduates now

Project 2501 · 2022-09-04 06:31

>>62280 >not being a current student means you cant even legally do internships in some european countries That's not a thing here (only in some companies). I actually did get 1 internship offer it was a small company but I turned it down because I didn't like the project, I think I'm being too picky I just can't accept that I will be working on things I don't care about so I just need to come in terms with that and just get a job no matter what. I'm going to start doing leetcode today and apply for some jobs and if I get any offers hopefully I will be able to manage time when the semester starts. One thing that gives me hope is seeing people from my classes who are complete noobs actually land jobs easily, I was one of the best students for the first 3 semesters but after that it got too boring so I lost interest but I still did relatively well so I know I have the skills I just need to put my mind to it.

Liet Kynes · 2022-09-04 14:46

>>62278 >not this^ He's not wrong though. If you have already established yourself in a skilled profession then you want to limit the number of new people entering the field otherwise wages will fall. The fewer new doctors/lawyers/engineers/etc there are the better is it for existing doctors/lawyers/engineers/etc. Professional qualifications is basically a form of corruption between government, universities and trade unions. >sometimes you go to simply get educated and make connections. Software is a new enough field to avoid all this bullshit. If you can write code and prove it then that's all that matters. Not all jobs are like that though.

Chani · 2022-09-04 23:48

I'm feeling pretty miserable but I think that the faster I get used to it the faster I'll forget about it

Ross with Unagi · 2022-09-05 10:35

I really hate when a girl ghosts or blocks me without an explanation.

Sneederman · 2022-09-05 15:49

>>62306 This is pretty much what I came here to say. Its pathetic how I will let someone, male or female, ignoring me work. Everyday I wake up to check if she has responded, and everyday I'm disappointed.

Tyrell Wellick · 2022-09-05 18:12

I had to have my cat put down earlier this year and I'm not sure if I want to adopt another one. On one hand, I'm very lonely now and I actually have a lot of trouble getting up in the morning because of it. But if I do adopt, then I'd want to promise myself the same thing I did for my last cat: that I'd stay alive for them to ensure they don't die alone. Except I doubt life is going to be worth living throughout these next ~15 years. Everything's been going to hell in every possible way. Culturally, politically, economically, everything. Even now I don't have anything in life to make it worth living. No friends, never been in a relationship, lost interest in all my hobbies, and I've been stuck at this dead-end job for 6 years because I'm too inept to pass any interviews. I see no way to improve any of this.

Special Agent Bob · 2022-09-05 20:38

I feel like a useless piece of soykaf. I keep scheduling projects to start on and then don't start on them because I can't force myself to. I wish I had someone to help me stay motivated but everyone in my life just watches tv and plays videogames all day and I feel myself becoming the same kind of person. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

SHODAN · 2022-09-06 10:07

Earlier this year I stopped communicating with my mother by phone. This weekend there was a family gathering and I stayed at her house. Earlier this year I stopped using whatsapp because her generation keep posting political bullshit and I got into an unwanted debate with my uncle over Ukraine. (Effectively limiting communication with my extended family.) So this weekend when I come to join her and my uncle to watch TV, the first thing she puts on is a video about Ukraine! Sparking the same debate I didnt want to have. (Its a Sunday evening cant we just relax ffs) She is a political agitator, no really, she's heavily involved in Environment stuff and is more radicalised than she thinks. (She was banging on about abortion law shortly after I got there) The next day after my uncle had gone I told her I was going to leave before my other uncle arrived and she tried to provoke some argument between us as well. She does this type of thing every time. Instead of apologising saying it was an inconsiderate thing to put on, (even after me saying I didnt want to watch it), she says I should have just left the room. In short she has NPD and is a cunt. I feel bad that I started getting more angry trying to get through to her saying that she simply doesnt consider me, she'll counter saying she's helped me materially with this and that, but thats not the point. She is wildly impulsive, destructively so. I had to go so far as to mention the time she fuarrrked another man in my parents bed when they were still married when I was a child and then brought him over for xmas. I also mentioned the psycho she let move in with us in my teen years got violent with me after threatening to break my arm and how she helped him during this as I knocked his glasses off and she picked them up. Her response "I didnt want them to get trodden on." Whilst he was bending my arm behind my back! She is not right in the head, and if she is not conscious of the agitating things she does in the worst way at the worst time, it is def something she does subconsciously. Its like an actual demon works through her. Eventually I said that if she thought I should have left the room, Ill leave the room right now, took my bag and left the house. I feel drained today and bad at myself for being lured into that false sense of security and thinking she wouldnt try to provoke me in a cunning way. Its what she does. So Im back to no contact again and wishing she just was a completely different person.

The Plague · 2022-09-06 13:05

>>62307 Have you tried send them something actually interesting instead of "wyd", "hey buddy", and insults?

Otto Normalverbraucher · 2022-09-06 14:06

>>62317 Not him, and yeah he acted a bit like a jerk, but I have to say it's kinda difficult to get attention online. Like what can one really say? You might craft some huge response, but it's kinda pointless effort as the only times that got me a reply was like 3 times. The reply had no effort too, which kinda makes one wonder why even care. And usually when speaking you expect a conversation, something that requries two people speaking, not a huge monologue where you put in all the effort and someone maybe hears you.

XERXES · 2022-09-06 16:40

>>62318 >And usually when speaking you expect a conversation, something that requries two people speaking, Not that lain, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect any given person you hit up online to want to engage in a conversation. If you don't get a response to a greeting, it's safe to assume the other person doesn't want to talk you and you should just move on. >not a huge monologue where you put in all the effort and someone maybe hears you. You don't need to (and shouldn't) write a huge monoloue to open a conversation with someone. When I open conversations with new people, it's usually because I've seen that they've done something cool or interesting and I want to know more about it, so I ask about it. People respond much better when you're engaging their interests and not giving a bland "hey wyd" opening.

Tyrell Wellick · 2022-09-06 19:25

>>62317 yeah i also tried "wyo" and "wya" although seldom "Lol"

Aristóteles Amadópulus · 2022-09-08 19:30

Just found I have low grade but incurable cancer. I am going to die in ~10-15 years. I don't know what to do now.

Yamaoto Toshi · 2022-09-08 21:07

>>62353 Damn, Lain. That's tough. Perhaps in 10 to 15 years of medical advancements, it will be curable. >I don't know what to do now. Stop contributing to and cash out your retirement plan?

Elliot Alderson · 2022-09-09 05:16

What do you call a Black African import that got the position of supervisor despite having a low IQ? Nigger. Some nigger supervisor interfered with my work when I was filling packages with product to get sent out and took up too much space and removed tags too soon. Send that nigger back to Niggland where he belongs. I believe genetics blocks people from returning as other races and mixed-race people are usually mixed up cause they are incomplete reincarnations or simply hollow. Our souls are firmware and not finite energy. Dishonorable like him should be erased in the afterlife. Keep the niggers and wetbacks out of the warehouses. When the nicer niggers die, they go to Niggheim before returning to be nig again or they get erased.

Gyula Kovacs · 2022-09-09 09:54

For one reason or another, I simply can't enjoy things. Worse yet, I deeply detest anyone who openly enjoys anything and is visibly invested. It could be envy, it could be disgust, because it's like their entire being is assimilated into this one thing. Anyhow, this makes me feel miserable, I don't feel human. I could have been learning things that may potentially be useful, but I generally lack incentive and patience for those things. They could be potentially useful, but it's not like they'll bring me money, or let me find good contacts, yadda-yadda. I am fundamentally unable to enjoy the process, it seems. My only pleasures in life are eating and sleep.

Chani · 2022-09-09 17:06

>>62365 dude, its something at least. You could get into cooking or find the most delicious restaurants to order from. Also, try lucid dreaming and find the best beds and items to encourage restful sleep. Good luck!

Lain Iwakura · 2022-09-09 17:07

>>62362 Because there is no such thing as a stupid whitе person.

Ender · 2022-09-09 17:58

>>62368 >a whataboutism Ok. There are plenty of ignorant and stupid "whites", but that doesn't have anything to do with that the person you are responding to said.

Crash Override · 2022-09-09 18:00

>>62368 I'm not him, but this is always the comeback. If 50% of negroes do something horrible, and %10 of white people do it, gee I guess it's the same thing huh?

Jim Hilger · 2022-09-09 18:07

>>62371 >There are plenty of ignorant and stupid "whites", but that doesn't have anything to do with that the person you are responding to said. What's the point of focusing your scorn on the guy's race if the same thing could happen to anyone?

Roy Batty · 2022-09-09 18:15

>>62372 >I'm not him, but this is always the comeback. If 50% of negroes do something horrible, and %10 of white people do it, gee I guess it's the same thing huh? You said you wanted to ship all the blacks to africa as if that would solve the problem. But if stupid whites also exist then it won't solve anything. This is basic logic. I'm surprised your high iq white brain can't figure this out

Batou · 2022-09-09 18:54

>>62375 >>62374 The guy said he thinks genetics prevents the full reincarnation of the soul's firmware and that's why some black dude made a mistake at his warehouse job. He's either schizo, retarded, or baiting.

Lunch · 2022-09-09 19:38

I don't fuarrrking get discord normal people (doesnt even apply) anymore. I hate how you have to tailor your personality/description/icon just to fit in a certain server. And also servers are so varied so while you can click and understand with one user, another 3 will shun you. and normally i dont care. i dont know why i even was on discord. the lainchan irc has good people, but everyone i used to know in school had discord. i dont even want friends, i just dont want to be alone. ill settle for colleagues. at least this place has likeminded people and i can read. but i never feel here. discord is a fuarrrking chinese room

Cat Mother · 2022-09-09 19:48

>>62379 I don't know much about discord and have never used it but the impression I get from people who do is that they just don't want to participate in an open internet anymore. I used to think it would be fun to start my own chan but now all I can think of is it getting flooded by furries, ponies, or whatever the current thing is and of course the mandatory and inevitable political crusaders (all persuasions) who have nothing new to say and do not respond kindly to either facts or reason. The thought of having invite only spaces where there is an IQ gate is more and more appealing to me but also seems less and less feasible to actually have.

Nobody important · 2022-09-09 23:23

>>62368 Sure there are stupid White people such as the ones who keep simping for dumb kneegrows and for the Juden going as far as to cover up the fact that Einstein was a plagiarist and that the Holla-cost narrative was an exaggeration at closest to truth. Also, half of all violent crimes in the USA are committed by Black African-American perpetrators despite them being less than 14% of the US population. That is not "evil White supremacist rhetoric." That is the truth and the truth has a racist leaning.

Eldon Tyrell · 2022-09-10 04:41

I am going insane. The only source of entertainment and work for me is the computer. I don't go outside unless I have to (e.g. groceries, getting mail, delivering things, occasionally hanging out with friends who remembered me out of the blue). But recently I've just been growing more and more tired of this thing. It's so boring to live like this. I'm not the type who reads books all day or who feels okay watching videos for hours on end. I'm not a programmer either, so I don't care about programming. If I try to be creative using the computer (writing, art, modeling) it feels wrong, artificial, dead. And, if I'm being honest, I don't care about creativity either. I feel like I should be spending time outside more, hiking, doing things with my hands, but I am frail and weak, I lack the money to afford "physical" entertainment and hobbies, I don't have any friends I could talk to IRL, and if I don't have a clear goal for why I'm outside I feel extremely uncomfortable. There must be a way out of this hell.

John Doe · 2022-09-10 05:21

>>62388 Been there. This was my ticket out: https://wwoof.net/ Best wishes, lain.

Morpheus · 2022-09-10 06:38

>>62388 it's ok to be frail and weak it shouldn't stop you from doing stuff, only from being good at it. lots of outside stuff is inexpensive, and your city has subsidized or non-profit groups making things accessible. example: my city has a canoe club and has access to canoes and kayaks whenever you want for 20 bucks a year. or community classes. biking, kites, frisbee golf, r/c clubs, Meccano, volunteering, hiking, community gardens, etc can all be done cheaply.

Haruyoshi · 2022-09-10 06:46

I feel like I'm stagnating. I used to be quite ffit, exercising daily, and I also read and did research daily. Now I'm lucky if I get off my ass for one day a week (beyond the bare minimum required of me) At least I still cycle and walk around, and I do a little bit of reading, so I'm not going complete blob mode. I just liked being a go-getter :( What else what else... My gf is having hormone problems and hasn't wanted sex for almost two months, and she also hasnt had her period in much longer, so that's bad. Its at the point where I'm starting to have weird c*c*quean fantasies. And I feel that my drinking problem is starting to get out of hand, although I haven't gone back to hard liquor so that's good. I feel like I really need a psychedelic trip soon, not a huge dose, just enough to remind me of some lessons and really relax for a day (not fake-relax where I drink beer and watch YouTube videos).

Judge Fang · 2022-09-10 07:08

>>62392 actually, u know what, I take it back. I think my biggest problem is that my girlfriend wants to move away, but I can't without throwing away my entire career and many of my close friends. Her reason is, she has to leave her parents (which is true) but she thinks they will disown her if she moves in with me. She's terrified of disobeying them, they have her on a really tight leash. I wish she had the courage to realize that she just needs to leave them and say "deal with it". She's a grown ass woman and she's perfectly capable of doing it, she just doesn't believe she is.

Morpheus · 2022-09-11 05:14

I think my mental health is degrading from isolation, but I iwll never speak with those goddamn hippies.

Roger Pollack · 2022-09-11 09:33

I can't live without being ordered around. I am actually just a meat puppet without a will of its own. I first realized this three years ago and have been making attempts at fixing myself to no avail. I think I am not human.

Mitnick · 2022-09-12 02:00

I'm not sure if I will ever have real interactions with people again, I don't even speak to anyone online, and I don't blame people for not talking to me, I'm tortured by my own silence, but I don't remember how to have conversations anymore. I wish I could just fade away.

Tequila · 2022-09-12 15:38

one of my more embarrassing moments is in high school. i was in english 2. there was an assignment where you had to read a passage and put all the words you know on one side of a paper and the words you dont know on the other side. I've been in advanced english for most of my life, but i had recently transferred to this school in the middle of the school year cause parents divorced. but what happened was i knew most of the words. I only put three words in the do not know section. most people had half the words in the column. I think the passage was 'a modest proposal'. anyways, the teacher comes and notices that i finished first and only put three words down. He was like, "you really know all these words?" I said "yes I do". I got a little smug. but then he asked me "what does ___ mean?" and I panicked because i didnt know. I stuttered and then he chuckled. i got really embarrassed. and what made it worse was that the word he said I had written down as do not know. But i didnt realize until after he walked away. My classmates then thought i was just an arrogant asshole.

Special Agent Bob · 2022-09-12 15:55

>>60747 >people don't get trauma cause of what happened but because society tells them they should So if we did not have the concept of trauma then none of the psychological characteristics wouldn't manifest themselves on anyone. I don't usually comment on things that I find absurd but did you really think this through bro

Dujour · 2022-09-12 20:57

>>62432 Yeah exactly. I've seen people online ask why didn't WW2 veterans have PTSD but Vietnam and Gulf veterans did? Was it because the DSM added it and they were suddenly over-diagnosing everyone? Rather, veterans of war had always been experiencing this they just didn't have an understanding of it. As recently as WW1 they executed men for it under the charge of "cowardice" or disobeying an order. Soldiers of various wars who came home with symptoms were simply told to man up. Lots of them ended up in prison for various anti-social behaviors, or beat their families, or drank to excess or killed themselves.

Zero Cool · 2022-09-12 21:31

Scared for the future, don't know what I want nor how to get it.

William Holtzer · 2022-09-13 01:30

I've come to realize that a huge part of what causes friction between me and other people is I'm naturally selfish. specifically I'll act on impulse as long as my interests are at the center of it, without consideration for how other people end up affected by what I do. could've saved myself a lot of headache if that got in my head earlier without making a big fuss, but better late than never I suppose. guess the next step is to be more mindful of when those tendencies are there so I can control them better. because at this point if I don't I feel like I won't have much of a life to live. here's hoping I actually learn something this time

A · 2022-09-14 03:09

Are you sick of the BS and emptiness that makes ups your life? Isn't it time to find something more to make this life worth something. Well I would like to join anybody who wishes to travel on a journey. Not one based on some quick fix, belief or a substance. But one that brings change to our lives, gives it meaning and contributes to humanity. If your interested I am interested too. So please comment and we can make this happen.

Erik Johansson · 2022-09-14 06:13

[heavens gate intensifies] Lol, for real though, I've wanted to travel on a journey. Preferably to somewhere and not just into the void of space to die alone. Preferably to somewhere better in some way. I have reservations though. Too many people I care about. I couldn't leave them behind with no notice. Maybe not at all. I know one who would jump at the chance and barely look back, but he never felt he belonged here anyway.

Emmanuel · 2022-09-15 00:43

I've got a master's degree, but at this point I'm seriously considering just dropping out of society and being a hikkiNEET for the rest of my life. Why should I contribute to a society that doesn't want me to be a part of it?

Debbie Charteris · 2022-09-15 11:41

bought a really fuarrrking expensive ham some days ago, dogshit is not strong enough to describe how unfathomably and enormously bad this soykaf is. It didn't really give me diarrhea, but hell, am I really supposed to soykaf like 4 or 5 times after eating a fuarrrking sandwich?, short answer: NO.

Cypher · 2022-09-15 18:07

>>62355 I have one of these. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligodendroglioma I'm probably going to dump all my savings into a trip to Japan if it ever reopens. Not like I'm going to live long enough for bad financial decisions to mean anything.

Acid Burn · 2022-09-16 04:07

i want friends so badly. I have a partner but she is also friendless NEET like me and it's difficult to put up with each other every day in tiny room, for both of us. Wouldn't mind sharing a friend or just knowing anyone at all who to talk to sometimes to take a break. I am too much of a pussy to meet up with any lains irl, too stupid to learn to use irc plus too hopeless to find any online friends. At least I'm not NEET alone I guess.

Demeere · 2022-09-16 16:40

>>62485 >partner Sounds like you have a friend >difficult to put up with each other every day I've been in the same room with my wife for about 8 years and we're entirely fine with the situation. You either like them or you don't, figure that out, and deal with the problem by leaving the relationship. >too stupid to use IRC Just download a client: https://hexchat.github.io/ Start the client. A popup will happen for you to set it up. Fill out your preferred nick and username. (They can be the same) Click "Add" and put "lainchan". Click "Edit" At the top put "irc.lainchan.org/6697" Check "Use SSL for all the servers on this network" Then hit "Close" at the bottom. Then press "Connect". A popup may happen. click "Join this channel:" Add "#lainchan" Now press "OK" You will need to wait for someone to give you voice to talk in #lainchan, but you can ask for more help in #questions (which it will have you autojoin)

Spike Spiegel · 2022-09-16 21:42

>>62464 Being hikikomori or a NEET is not healthy for you in the long run. You will start being afraid of all public places and crowds, if you isolate yourself for too long. After that, you start slowly losing interest in things you used to enjoy (I'm not quite sure why this happens). t. have been NEET (almost a hikki) for about 5 years now. >>62485 There is a longer post about IRC at >>>/Ω/63625 but as >>62497 said, IRC is easy to use once you actually try it.

Ishikura "Tatsu" Tatsuhiko · 2022-09-17 01:02

I wasn't prepared for my body breaking down at all. When you're young you think age is just a meme. I didn't really have a fulfilling youth either, so. What a sad creature I am.

Miho Iwakura · 2022-09-17 01:27

>>62507 Breaking down in what way? Pain? If so, where? What would you have considered fulfilling? I'm 26 and life is just screaming by me as I do the exact same things I've done for the last 4 years, just in differing amounts.

Jim Hilger · 2022-09-17 02:07

>>62510 Plethora of health problems hit me within the span of a few years after I turned 30. Made me have some sort of crisis for a bit, or I guess it still ongoing. Acceptance phase would have to mean it doesn't bother me that my health doesn't permit me to do some of the only things that I find enjoyable in life ever again.

Case · 2022-09-18 06:24

why am I always alone and on my own always always always always always always always always no matter how much I do to try to change it why does it always end up like this I don't want to be on my own why do I have to hurt like this I hate it so much

Junichi Fujiwara · 2022-09-19 00:12

I can't help but be stunned at how bad people are at some really basic organization/system things, like looking at a tagging site (e.g. booru, archive) and putting useless tags in and missing ones every other thing has, or adding useless off-topic descriptions for mods they upload, or writing the date in a different format to everything else next to it and fuarrrking up ordering. I've seen all kinds of crap, even a canonical project timeline stored graphically in Powerpoint slides. I've seen project managers filling in critical data in the most anti-constructive and obviously inconsistent ways possible, even in formatted Excel sheets. Seriously, we have to start teaching people about basic information science, keywords and things like ISO 8601 in schools. Teach people to communicate effectively and considerately and your country will thrive within 10 years. The bar is that low. This isn't even a data science thing. I'm not a data scientist. I just enjoy not wasting hours of time when one person thinking for two seconds could have fixed it.

Pris · 2022-09-19 04:50

I want to die. I've wanted to die for almost a decade at this point, not that it matters. Four years ago one of my close friends at the time committed suicide. We were supposed to meet up later in the week. At the time I had planned to ask her for help sorting my life out, I was in university at the time (dropped out since), but was so anxious and depressed I wouldn't leave my house. I attempted suicide the previous summer but I lived because the belt I was hanging myself with snapped. I still feel guilty that she didn't feel she could rely on me in the same way I did with her. Never really got the help since. The weight of losing someone like this is crushing compared to how I felt before. No matter how bad I feel I just can't bring myself to hurt other people around me in the same way. I don't live for me, I have no ambitions and I get no pleasure from life. I'm 99% sure death isn't the end and I cynically believe the nihilistic idea that nothing lies beyond the veil is a fantasy invented by humans who don't want do deal with any more soykaf. It just doesn't make any sense that consciousness is somehow immune to the conservation of energy or whatever. Your memories will probably go though. I imagine you just reincarnate, or return to a larger source like the air in a bubble that has popped. Not that I mind either way. The worst thing would be waking up on the fuarrrking floor again as myself.

Crash Override · 2022-09-19 05:11

>>62561 How fuarrrking new are (u)??? We dont die i have tryed it for years, just get lost for 365x5+1 days and join the army of ghosts

Sabo Engle · 2022-09-19 05:25

>>62563 I have no idea what you are trying to say

Terzibashjian · 2022-09-19 17:04

hey lainanons i don't know where im going in my life. I'm a guy who runs a computer repair shop. The shop formerly used to be run by my father but he had a cerebral hemorrhage last year so the shop fell in my hands. I'm trying not to lose my dad's clients until my dad gets better. Since the economy deteriorated where I was, I started to suffer from various problems at work and within the family. As a result, I am mentally exhausted. On top of that, I couldn't go to my last semester at university. My plan to get my diploma and finish my education fell through. I'm worried about my future and I don't know where I'm going.

Jean Dupont · 2022-09-19 17:54

>>62578 talk with your father, or grandfather, and get help. Try to get the business going, when it gets better try hiring some indian dude and pay him a little more than he would get anywhere else, then focus on uni with hands clean and then return business to father

Zero Cool · 2022-09-19 20:49

>>62561 But what if your exact same hardships continue after death? How is losing this life better than trying to make best of your time in this lifetime? I feel like I don't have many reasons to continue living (apart from loved ones who would suffer if I committed suicide), yet suicide feels like even worse option than living because I would lose something (this life). I read The Myth of Er (from Plato's Republic: http://classics.mit.edu/Plato/republic.11.x.html) and I'm starting to think that perhaps we have planned our lifetimes together with our guardian daemons?

Hong, Guil Dong · 2022-09-20 14:57

dreamt about my ex-girlfriend again it's been 6 months since she left me, and we were only together for 6 months I can't take this grief anymore I hate the fact that I wake up in the morning, I just want to die in my sleep I can't take this soykaf anymore I want to throw myself in front of a train but too many people would be sad if I did that, I feel like I'm haunted by a ghost and am cursed to continue living

Ocelot · 2022-09-20 17:37

I've been self improving for around three years now. I was seeing people regularly, I was attending parties with "friends", I got into a relationship, I was eating healthy, I went to the gym regularly, I read books, had a fulfilling hobby, slept for 8 hours a day and began higher education with a promising future. Now I am here telling you it's soykaf. I felt more lonely than ever before, I felt unreal, hollow and I sometimes even asked myself whether I can prove that I am not an AI. It's not depression, I know what a depression is. It's just the consequence of trying to fit in. Yeah, maybe it's the right thing for you, but I guess in that case you wouldn't have a problem to fit in anyway. I want to tell you about my recent realisation. Self improvement is toxic for people like us. It just keeps us somehow mellow and attached to the world we are living in. I understand why it's the recommended way of living, you really get to "feel" better and it's the best way to be a peaceful, productive member of society. If that's what you are looking for, then go ahead, improve yourself. Become a highly functional and reliable part of the machine. For me it was the wrong way. I see myself as a conscious, living being, but this kind of living is for unconscious machines. I look around me and can't find humans, only automations. They speak the same things, believe in the same ideas, ask the same questions and behave the same way. They are either self improvers or lazy folks addicted to anything that is legal. In any way they are not free and seem to have no problem with that. I am not saying that I am better than other humans around me. I am just saying that I am sick of trying to fit in, I am sick of playing by their rules, I am sick of pretending that I am the problem and not them. I think if you admit that you are different, you will have to find a different way of dealing with your live. Maybe your problems aren't actual problems. Maybe it's better to stop pretending that you can become just like everyone else if you improve yourself enough. It's the hard way of living, but I think the world needs more people who just do what they think is right. It's not the way to become happy, but chasing happiness isn't either. I am now doing what makes me really happy and what I believe is right. Some people would say that my current lifestyle is not healthy, but I say your lifestyle isn't healthy. Why the fuark should I listen to people whose life consists of their jobs, social media and media consumption? Just do what you think is right, even if the majority is against you. Maybe you will destroy your life, maybe you will improve it, but at least you stop being a mindless bot. Or don't and live a safe live, follow the instructions and have as much individuality as an iPhone homescreen. Who am I to tell what's right?