Hey Lains, I want to get my thoughts out but I will do my best to avoid verbal diarrhea and schizo-tier writing.
I have been reading philosophy for a long time in a fervent search for any semblance of meaning in life. I am no closer than I was when I started, but it does bring me some enjoyment to think about life and to see what the great minds of history have thought. At this point in time I think that there is not inherent meaning to life and that every person has to create it for themselves. I was raised Christian and I still attend church, but I have not been putting in much effort and as a result I don't really feel any sort of spiritual calling or connection that might bring some meaning to my life.
I feel depressed by the state of the world. I hate seeing everyone being controlled by their consumerism and I hate being drawn into it every time I lay down my guard. I hate seeing little children being given a tablet by their parents to shut them up. I don't want to participate in this world, I don't want to raise children in this soul-devouring system. I want a farm with a nice stone house and I want to grow my own food, but I can't have any of that because I don't have a cent to my name and saving up for something like that would take nearly my whole life, then I'm stiff and old and can't enjoy it anymore.
I want to write for a living or play music for a living, but I started too late and I don't have any networks in those circles at all. I'll probably have to work some blue collar job until I get arthritis and die poor and bitter without every having time to produce anything worthwhile.
The only manmade things in life that has ever resonated with me was art. Literature, visual arts, music, etc. Art is the only thing that has made life worth living for me. That and true human connections.
I don't want to be a cog in the machine, but I don't see a way out.